Ever since I was young, family was everything.
From the moment I was born, the first others I felt and saw were my family. I was the first-born child on both my mother’s and father’s side – and there was much celebration and many photo shoots, family gatherings and doting, just about me. From the very beginning, I was deeply loved and cared for. From my Mum and Dad, aunties and uncles to the grandparents, I took centre stage. Every move was watched, every word spoken and heard. I was the golden child with everything laid at my feet. With all of this attention, there was nothing I could do that was wrong.
With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do. I was the one others could tell their friends about and boast to their neighbours about. I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives. In all this, the expectations were enormous. The first-born baby and a son, too. What would become of me? Would I become a builder like my grandfathers? Maybe an engineer? Maybe I was so intelligent that I could become a doctor or lawyer? This would make everyone proud, to see the first-born son become something great.
I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way. If I smiled on cue, did things that made people laugh and did all the things that pleased them, there was much in it for me. I could get my needs met at the drop of a hat and all the attention I wanted.
This was all rosy, with it all going my way; I had it made, or so I thought. But next came something that really rocked my little bubble – along came some brothers and then sisters and I was no longer ‘the one.’ Now there were others that were smaller and cuter and who got all the attention. How could I compete with this?
There was no amount of looking brighter or being better that could compete with what I was up against, so by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again; not in the form previously, but nevertheless it was there and at this stage of the game I would take whatever I could get. My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.
With this way, I learned that I could manage life quite well. I could get all the attention I needed by not engaging with life, by disconnecting from the world and waiting for others to connect with me. My move was strategically planned and fail-safe, or so I thought.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I discovered that not everyone wanted to be around someone so withdrawn. I often felt isolated and alone. For a long time I lived like this, knowing all along that there must be more. Things didn’t add up. Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.
It took going through a family breakup and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners for me to realise that the way I had set things up was causing the problem.
From there, what I started to feel was my own connection within. The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what I knew deep down to be me. It had been there all along – I just chose to not connect within to my own essence.
Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to. I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me, without the concern of what others might think. I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.
When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.
By Chris Vale, Mechanical Fitter/Welder, Bunbury, Western Australia
Packaging and Opening Us Up
Returning to our essence
Gorgeous to read of your re-connection to yourself Chris, that had previously been tied up in what others thought of you. I love how you expose the games we all have or can play for various reasons. I played having something wrong with me when life and family got intense so to keep the focus off me. Having this awareness in schools would support teachers to understand and respond to children and teenagers behaviours.
Love this photo… inner connection brings forth streams of light that come through no matter what [cloud] may be in the way for nothing stops the connectedness of true connection.
I find it such a strong experience to feel the patterns of behaviour that became ingrained while growing up and what they leave us to overcome as we get older. It really makes sense to see that a child that is accepted and told they are loved and considered amazing will not have the same issues around people than one who is not given this. Our need for acceptance runs so deep, and so many behaviours will play out to achieve recognition. It is brilliant to understand this more and more, although arresting the neediness is not an overnight event, the mere awareness of it is a huge positive. Thanks for writing this Chris.
What a corker of a line – “I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives.” Such brave honesty, we can look to children to fill up our lives with joy as we seem to have lost our way on how to do that for ourselves.
‘I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for’ it’s so good to know that this is available within us all
You describe the ultimate responsibility Chris to be all of who we are, no more no less. This is however an ever deepening process that is an inward movement that can be shared with others.
Totally agree Jennym it is the ultimate responsibility – when we feel an ache be it physical or psychological, knowing that medicine starts within is deeply empowering and purposeful.
The truth is Chris, that you have already so much to give just by walking in to the room, and it is very fantastic to read you sharing this with the world.
Beautifully said Shami, we are already ‘all’, we have just mastered in covering this up.
It’s interesting because lately I’ve felt old hurts of rejection come up myself. And in that there is like a tug of war going on inside me, on one hand I feel the hurt and I’m instantly taken back to a time where it was extreme, and on the other I have the knowing that that’s not me anymore, and that actually everything is ok. So to be able to have that understanding that it’s not actually true and it’s a choice to either fall down the rabbit hole or hold steady in myself is great, albeit tricky at times.
A beautiful sharing of your development with connection. And how this is so fundamental to the relationship we have with ourselves, and in turn, others. What I get from this is that it is easy to please people and get our way and play the game, but this is not sustainable in any way.
I remember being told to be aware of the struggle my first born would have when my second child was born, looking back the same thing happened for me when I was born and grew up. If we can recognise how much of our lives we search for recognition and acceptance outside of ourselves we can live with a more connected focus and celebrate each other for who we are and what we bring from our essence not our doing.
I was the first born and my parents told me that I was very happy the first time I saw my younger brother. We regularly bickered but I never really saw him as a rival – we were quite different.
How funny (not really funny) is it that when we don’t think we will get what we want back, we withdraw ourselves. There is nothing for anyone else in that approach, it is all about us and meeting our own needs.
True, and the moment we make all it about us we have lost the truth of who we truly are, and in that, who everyone else is too…
I love this, the connection that asks nothing of you. I really get a sense that when you found that space again, you felt the ease and settlement in the body.
These are two completely different ways of life, one lived from the outside in and the other from the inside out.
So true. When we choose outside in we are a prisoner to the needs and wants of ourselves and others – when we choose inside out we taste true freedom.
“I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way.” This really shows when we learn to replace true love for attention and how we learn that we have to ‘pretzel’ ourselves (be a certain way we think the other wants us to be) to get what we want. And there we go, we develop our ways of being we end up thinking is us when it is actually not us at all, just a trick that works to get the attention we think we need, all the while not receiving what we truly want which is true love.
A great confirmation how there is little difference between striving hard for approval and attention, to being withdrawn and not engaging with life. Same with being really good, as opposed to being anti-social. They are all strategies to cope with life, have some form of identity and seek attention and recognition. In whatever form that comes.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” This is very profound for whilst it claims the truth that all we need to do is be who we are, it also declares the truth that who we are is constantly expanding.
Blogs like these are proof of the miracles available to all of us. There is so much to appreciate and be in awe at in these few words and the affect of the changes that you have made to your life and awareness will have ripples throughout humanity – certainly they are rippling through me and making me feel very humble at the gift that Universal Medicine is presenting to us all.
What you talk about here Chris about knowing and connecting to ourselves is the fundamentals to life, if we do not have this then life is but a mear painful merry go round.
This is beautiful Chris, discovering that the most valuable relationship is with ourselves is a complete game changer. We discover that relationship with self is a relationship with God and that within this deepening relationship we can never feel rejected or unloved for we are love and love has no emotion.
I like what you have shared Kim that the most valuable relationship we can have is with ourselves, I had no understanding of this until I met Serge Benhayon he and the Benhayon family have supported me to develop a relationship with my self and this had had such a positive effect on everyone else I know especially my family and work colleagues.
Thank you Chris. Your sharing makes much sense. How hard when as a small child we have the full focus of attention from adults (most often family) and then along comes a usurper and we are no longer at the top of the pile! I am so glad to hear of your connection to your inner most self and the realisation that we don’t need others to admire and build us up. We are all that is needed as we are.
A brilliant account of awareness and how to seemingly cope with the world. Your honesty is very healing.
A reality where nothing is asked of us, but the love we feel is profoundly available and shared unreservedly with others. Such honoring of the importance of connection with ourselves is the only true building block in the foundation that will bring another the wisdom so they too can begin to build their own foundation – their own connection with them selves.
I was the first born too Chris although my mother had had a son from a previous marriage who lived with my grandmother. I am now pondering more deeply on my own upbringing and how being the eldest in the family was for me and what an impact it had when my brother was born a couple of years after me, the first son to my father. I feel it is great that we all allow ourselves these moments to feel how what happened in childhood had an influence on us and may still have today. Level 2 Healing with Universal Medicine is a course I do my best to attend each year as it can shed so much light on this.
I am finding that developing my inner connection is a forever deepening one and that there is never a point at which we have, ‘made it’!
“I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me” connecting to our inner self does indeed bring a freedom, confidence and ease to being ourselves in the world.
The constant merry-go-round never stops, but if we live a life in which we foster a connection with ourselves the merry-go-round continues on but we don’t need to ride on it, we can learn to move ourselves instead of being moved by what is going on around us.
This comment gave me a strong image of something that always used to fascinate me as a kid. On merry-go-rounds and waltzers there was always the person whose job it was to load people in and collect their money. And I used to watch them as they appeared to stand still whilst the ride whizzed around them – they were of course just walking in the opposite direction to the ride – but this always enthralled me. They were doing exactly what you describe – moving themselves rather that being moved by what was going on a round them – and the impression it gave me as a child watching was one of stillness.
Great to point out Chris that our actions towards the children when they are born and how we value them within the family is often biased and subject to our emotional needs and wants. Within my own family it was often told to us that my parents kept having children to get the one boy that my father always wanted, and the irony is they went onto have 5 girls. So it makes me wonder if a boy had been conceived would they have then said their family was complete and have less children. This unfortunately is not an uncommon situation as we have examples from many cultures that value one gender over another.
Re-reading this what comes up for me is the imposition of using someone else as a distraction and how often this happens and how I have been part of this cycle of behaviour in my parenting but also in other relationships. I chose to withdraw early on as a way of punishing others and myself and lost myself in causes and other people’s problems and can remember years ago when one friend’s dilemma was solved she commented that I seemed almost disappointed which I vehemently protested whilst part of me acknowledged the truth in what she said as I no longer had that issue to focus on.
Feeling the impact of choosing to disconnect from myself and the wider ramifications of my irresponsibility.
This is beautifully written Chris, I can very much relate to what you have shared. If we as men are not held in the beautiful tenderness and delicacy we naturally are, we feel devastated and very much rejected. It seems to be our great learning to hold ourselves no matter what comes our way. Yet so many of us are in complete denial that we are hurt by the world in the first place. So it’s inspiring to see that you have been able to move past the stuff in the way to connect, go deeper and just be at ease in yourself in the day.
It is very simple and no pressure at all to just be who we are in every moment. And this is a forever deepening process.
Love this Andrew and it is truly forever deepening – I feel there is no end to the depth that can be felt when we let go of all that we have put in the way of feeling ourselves deeply and honestly.
Thanks Chris I can relate here to the pressure of being worshipped for what I did rather than being seen for who I was as a child and this is something that has played out a lot throughout my life and even into my adult life. It is a bit of a game that I have played just as much as others around me to seek recognition to fill the void of not loving myself. It is changing though now through developing a deeper connection with my self and greater appreciation of who I am and what qualities I really bring to the world.
Another awesome miracle Chris and living proof of the power of the Universal Medicine teachings and healing modalities, which empower us to break down our guardedness and allow our true self to shine in the world once more.
‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’ So simple – yet so true and profound. The more we stay connected, self-love, self-appreciate and express the more steady we are within and the more loving we can be in relationships too.
Chris, reading what you are sharing here makes me realise why we can withdraw; ‘My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.’ I remember times in my life where I did this to achieve attention and to some extent it worked in that I would get attention, but then to live being withdrawn feels awful, there is no joy, playfulness or lightness in this. It is very beautiful to read how you are now re-connecting with you and so do not need this outside attention from others.
So true Rebecca, it takes a concerted effort to remain withdrawn and at the end of the day does not bring us what we want. The more we choose to re-connect to our inner flame, the easier it becomes to engage, open up and to give the world what it is we have been waiting to be given: warm, bright, playful love.
Not holding back because of placing others before me or the ‘real’ truth, choosing not to be responsible for who I am and what I bring is becoming a natural way of being in my life and boy does it feel freeing and amazing. This comes down to nominating with consistency that which is holding me back.
Feeling rejected by parents, partners or friends is a heavy weight to bear in life. And yet it is a choice, not a given. Once we connect with our inner and true selves and regardless of past hurts, we’re no longer affected by them. Instead, we’re held by something far more powerful, a sense of self and knowing who we truly are.
Chris you describe well how the arrival of a second child can lead to the first child closing down and withdrawing. I’ve seen this happen to a child I know. Important for parents to be aware of how the arrival of a new born may affect children and begin to include children early on by talking to them before and after the birth.
Our inner-most connection is forever enduring, nurturing of us and leaves us to naturally express and be all that we are.
This blogs shows clearly that true parenting is of such importance, as when done from ideals and beliefs we create children that only respond to what we as adults need of them instead of allowing accepting and appreciating that inner connection our children are naturally born with.
Lovely sharing Chris, what i couldn’t help in reading this was how a few simple words of how important you were as a boy from your family would have brought you out of this and back into the world. That is no blaming of your family but just a wonderful knowing that the more we do understand and support children, the more they blossom. And what is shared by Universal Medicine in regards to parenting has been incredibly eye opening and amazing in its simplicity.
This is a great sharing Chris. It reads to me like you have come back from the rejection of yourself that you deemed was necessary in order to fit in with whatever you needed to do to get the attention of others. Now is the beginning of living with a connection to who you truly are without any expectations affecting you being you. This is a truly successful life to me.
Beautiful account on childhood and life Chris that’s so relatable. Self-confirmation of who we are brings the confidence to be and to live who we are; it is in confirmation’s absence that we then fall to the call of everybody else except ourselves.
Beautiful sharing Chris, I can remember the way for me to get attention was to be helpful, useful always there if you needed something done, I was the one you could depend on, this of course gave me recognition and I was needed, but I was left empty of me. i have since come to know and experience what you shared in your last line as so true. ” This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” and I am loving just being me, more and more each day.
A great account of the dynamics of ‘specialness’, sibling rivalry and the lengths we go to get recognised, to get the attention we’ve accustomed ourselves to. And we all do versions of this, in whatever way we know how and figure out works for us… which is ultimately fruitless and fatiguing. It’s quite liberating to see these games for what they are and choose a different way. Love your work Chris, and appreciating my own efforts in this regard too.
I love the honesty in which you have shared. Searching for recognition is massive and while we don’t fully accept or appreciate ourselves, we often search and crave it from others.
We are sometimes so focused on our own needs we do not feel into what is appropriate in each moment
That is very true Carmel, as we can be run by ‘thoughts’ that try and make us believe we need things without true discernment if that is so. These little ‘thought monsters’ can be very insidious indeed and it pays to be onto them the moment they rear up …
Chris what an utterly awesome blog, I love how you write so open and honestly, most of us (if honest) can relate to the constant seeking of recognition you talk about, yet not many of us are prepared to do something about it, yet you have and in doing you will inspire so many. Thank you Chris for this great fat reminder that we need not seek outside for we are already everything within.
A sensitive article Chris that exposes the game of separation that nobody wins. We can never be filled from anything outside of ourselves, this I have also come to know. Re-connecting to the essence we are and have always been is a very beautiful reunion, a love that confirms the truth we are.
Being put on any sort of pedestal is fraught. It may seem appealing at the outset but as you share Chris it is not real and if our worth is based on the attention or recognition from others it is very flimsy. It is actually harming to place our own expectations on our children or anyone else. Playing the game as you express it also just as harming to us and others. Connecting to ourselves is a true coming home.
The games we play for attention as a substitute for loving ourselves is truly fascinating. We have all played these games, at one point or another. What I love about your article is it exposes the game, it makes it powerless in a way just by writing about it. Sometimes when people come across as “shy” and speak really softly I feel that it is an unconscious game to pull people in, I watch my whole body nearly fall off my chair to be able to hear them. I felt to share this as it reminds me of the same energy as withdrawal, it pulls others in. Then there is the show off, the one that speaks really loud on their mobile when in a public place, almost saying to the world, “What I do dominates, look at me, I am the most important” and attempts to pull others away from what they are doing or focusing on. These are the bigger more obvious cases of attention seeking but I love that you have exposed the unsuspecting withdrawn person as being in fact in the same energy as the loud talking look at me person.
For a long time it was hard to feel anything beyond the constant undertone of anxiety – when I did actually bring myself to a stop, which was rare. Tools like esoteric yoga and the gentle breath meditation have been brilliant in helping me to slow down, to reconnect to my body, and start to feel more, instead of living completely from my head. With that, I’ve felt more spacious, more of a gap between me and my thoughts, which then leads on to feeling more space between me and situations, more space between me and reactions. Not everything feels like a drama, and I feel more connected to others, more connected to life.
This is an essential awareness you share Chris – that all we are seeking already exists with-in in quality and quantity that should we surrender to, shines, shimmers and reflects so brightly that it is felt by everyone equally – the way love is designed to be.
Great blog Chris, thanks for taking the time to share it with us all. When I read this “it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” I was struck by the simplicity of what is on offer and saw so clearly how we can override / ignore that because it is so simple yet so difficult in a way because we are not raised to be just who we are.
I love your honesty and can absolutely vouch .. particularly after just having an amazing and truly supportive Esoteric Yoga Session, that the Universal Medicine modalities do just that, that is to truly truly help and support us to connect to ourselves from within, re-claim this connection and build a relationship with ourselves and all others from this place. Absolute GOLD and what the world deeply needs.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.’ I used to do the same thing Chris and go into withdrawal when I felt rejected. It was like a sea creature going into its shell. This pattern has taken a long time to break and it can still surface in little ways but I too feel this connection now and am growing in the love I hold for myself and the steadiness and strength that I feel from within.
Great sharing Chris- it makes you stop and realise the importance of how we raise kids and how by our actions it can breed a ground of separation, pecking one against the other, comparison and jealousy. These are the very things that create many issues and tear families apart.
Beautiful simple message Chris. Be You, through connection to You, and know yourself by this. The step I’ve taken is to truly embody my connection by appreciating and confirming what is me in my connection. It is an appreciation of my literal movement of my activity that I acknowledge moment to moment. ‘That is me’ when I do what I do. The recognition is my own. This way of life the norm becomes not the mundane of repetition but feeling you and glorious it is to do any thing.
I appreciated reading about the process you went through to mould yourself to get attention and recognition. We all do this in different forms to adapt in life and the environment we find ourselves in as kids. A lot of people seem to make little change as they become adults and end up falling back on not so helpful or healthful behaviours to get by in life. Universal Medicine offers us a way to not just get by, but reclaim the gorgeous person we were when we knew all we had to do was just be.
Beautiful Chris, choosing to connect to your essence and be who you are is so empowering. There are many forms of seeking recognition which leads to separation and exhaustion, it drains us and the people around us. Exposing and letting go of the need to seek recognition is deeply loving as it opens up the space for us to just accept, appreciate and simply be ourselves.
This is great Chris. What games we play even when we are very small. Great to unravel it and gain an understanding that you can act on. Connecting to our inner essence should be taught in schools.
Super simple and super confirming of the fact that we are never alone when we develop a loving, connected, respectful and interactive relationship with ourselves. Thank you, Chris.
This is a great point to make Matilda – “…the fact that we are never alone when we develop a loving, connected, respectful and interactive relationship with ourselves.” A great reminder for all of us and something to really connect to as it will make everyone’s life so much more rich and gorgeous.
The inner connection you talk about Chris, brings the steadiness that holds us regardless of the intensity of what’s happening around us. And it is delicate, ever so exquisite and unwavering in its beholding quality of ourselves and everybody else. It is the hallmark of true strength and power – nothing pushy, forceful or muscle-driven – simply the ever constant steady holding of the love we are.
The connection to oneself never fails, it goes with us through thick and thin and it gets deeper and vaster, more encompassing. It is fail proof and the most delicious and fulfilling good one could ever wish for.
Agree Joshua – a very honest and wise blog that reveals that before anything – our connection to ourselves is first and foremost. Thank you Chris! – A wonderful blog!
Your beautiful words remind me that we already have everything we seek.
Absolutely Leonne, hence why it is exhausting to seek anything that is outside of ourselves, i.e, love, connection, religion, God and the list goes on and on.
Hear hear – all we need to do is allow it to come to the forefront and feel it in every cell 🙂
Thank you for such honesty of what it was like growing up for you. For a first born especially if it is a boy there are such huge expectations for the future. I know from my experience with my brother that there was a massive expectation from the family for him to succeed even if he wasn’t the first born and the girls in the family were left in no doubt that they were not at all important. And in many cultures this divide still plays out.
What a gorgeous piece of writing from a man and something to be deeply appreciated and celebrated. Connection is especially rare with men because of their guarded protections so very beautiful to read and feel indeed
I agree Joshua. It is truly beautiful when men express what they feel. I’m sure this blog will inspire many men to do the same.
Yes, it is very inspiring. It is establishing a foundation that it is safe to be transparent and vulnerable.
Yes, it is touching when men (and women too) express as they are without the protections. This is how we bridge the divide that can creep into our relationships. Being ourselves… yes to that.
I agree, we are all sensitive and it is beautiful when a man expresses what he feels.
Really beautiful indeed and opens up so much more then for all …
You said it – a game. Exactly that is what it is – all the tactics and strategies we cultivate as we attempt to go through life relatively unscathed, and to secure our identity. It is so liberating when we come out of it and are able to see through it all, and start to choose simplicity of just connecting with who we truly are.
Building our confidence on the approval of others seems great while the illusion lasts. But it seems all it takes is one rejection to expose the cracks in such a false facade and for the doubts and insecurities to seep in.
Learning to deeply appreciate ourselves and take care of ourselves so we know we are running on all cylinders, and gauging a job well done by the quality with which we can feel for ourselves, on the other hand, offers a confidence that is not dependent on the whims, beliefs and judgments of others.
Beautifully described Chris, we all developed a variety of ways to get the recognition, approval and acceptance that we craved and yet all the time we missed the point that we withdrew and rejected ourselves.
Chris thank you for sharing, how beautiful it feels to be able to connect to our essence. Our Essence is always there from the moment we are born, like you many of us lost our connection to our essence and was looking for it outside or us. Thanks Universal Medicine we where shown how to reconnect back to our own essence.
There are so many lessons we learn as children, from all our relationships, and the hurts we feel that we carry with us into adulthood, unless we have parents or mentors who can help us deal with them.
It’s quite amazing how duped people are in to believing that they must fulfill the pictures of life and how having a first son in the family is such a relief and not a joy for everyone . Thanks for sharing Chris.
Coming back to the connection with myself when I am feeling out of sorts, when things seem too out of control or if I have reacted to what someone has said or done, is one of the most valuable tools that I have in my ‘self-love tool kit’. Taking the time to stop in these moments and to feel where I’m at quickly shows me that I have simply disconnected from me and from there I have disconnected from everything else around me; no wonder then that life starts to unravel.
When something comes up in a relationship our immediate response is to blame the other person, be it directly or indirectly, it’s to do with ‘their’ behaviour that’s messing up the flow. But what if we were the ones who configured a set up where, for example, no one takes the lead or initiates moving forward, there is one sided support, sometimes we’re ‘too busy’ to have a decent conversation and so forth? Until we’ve deeply considered this ourselves, can we really point fingers?
So true Susie, a relationship is about how we relate to each other and how we relate to ourselves. When we just step back and make it all about the other person we don’t evolve, for we don’t look at what we are bringing to the relationship and how are we being. I see this play out at work and in families all of the time. It’s amazing how all the game playing just stops when we look at our reflection.
What games we play to get love and recognition yet none achieve true, lasting success. It is only when we stop playing the games do we achieve this.
Games are so tedious – how much more fulfilling when we just be who we truly are through connecting to our selves and reflecting this connection and others may choose to connect too.
This is so crucial to develop and honour the connection within, we will often be rejected for all sorts of reasons and to know how to return within when the outside is seemingly rejecting you which feels very personal, but in my experience is never personal, is a true support not just a way of getting through.
The expectations of others can be a heavy burden on us and many cope by manipulating this circumstance to their own apparent advantage. However in learning how to amend our behaviour to make us more acceptable to others we lose our connection to our essence and inevitably have to face the devastation of this at some stage (unless we find other behaviours to avoid this). It’s lovely to feel the solidness of your connection with you Chris and it would be great to get an update of your evolving relationship with you in the future.
How beautiful to have a relationship with life which doesn’t have any withdrawal. Or very little. The things we pick up in childhood we can actually be living as adults, out behaviours, reactions are not simply ‘us’ but have a traceable pathway back to what we have experienced and chosen as a consequence. How beautifully you have shown the self empowerment in all of this Chris.
Thank you Chris for exposing the way so many of us behave as a consequence of attempting to make sense of the world and our relationships. Universal Medicine restores the sense, our connection with our innate love and through the healing modalities and workshops, empowers us to relinquish the hurts that we used to block our vitality and wisdom. It is truly miraculous to witness this re-emergence into who we truly are, a joy to see the sparkle returning to people’s eyes and bodies as they re-embrace their unique expression and truth.
Recently I found myself in a small group of people where one of the group left me out when introducing someone he knew. I clocked immediately what had happened and found myself at a point where I could either indulge in the rejection or do something about it. I did something about. I read the situation and introduced myself. I chose to not play victim, accept what had happened and not allow another to try to bring me down because I was feeling and looking amazing.
Caroline, a similar situation occurred with me recently and I immediately nipped the situation in the bud by introducing myself. I am no longer the wall flower standing in the shadows happy not to be seen.
Thank you for sharing this Caroline and your clear simple steps of not indulging in reaction, reading the situation, and taking action. Essentially you chose to stay with your essence.
Well claimed Caroline. It is so important to not allow ourselves to feel less simply because another has either shut us out, rejected or simply forgotten to mention us. There is no reason others should miss out on an introduction to another, because of how one other person feels.
We love to be loved and the center point in other peoples lives and I can remember the same thing when my younger brothers were born that there was some readjusting in my ways to get attention. Yet I wonder if we would be truly loved from the moment we were born if this would still be the case. Attention is not the same as true love and I think that what we feel when there is another more cute and more small brother or sister born that then gets all the attentions, is the fact it was not true love, as that is always equal there for all and we would not feel like missing out. We then would also learn from young that we are love and how to confirm and love ourselves, this would change our world.
Attention is not the same as meeting, knowing and loving each other and ourselves in essence. Thank you Lieke.
Great to put the emphasis on this here Melinda as it is a great marker and something we can watch out for.
I enjoyed the candid nature of this blog and how open and honestly you’ve shared here Chris. Thank you.
Thank you Chris. Beautiful that you have arrived at a place within where you feel held and steady, without need of approval or recognition from outside yourself.
Re-connection to who we are within is an incredible restorer of all those old hurts. In the action of this its beautiful to feel those needs from others drop away.
Our connection becomes everything, because we feel that there is no such thing as being isolated, even though we may be alone. If we are feeling isolated or withdrawing we soon learn that we are off track and disconnected from the wonder and everything that we are.
Yes all we have to do is check in and look at our livingness and we can quickly make a change if we have not been with our selves, reconnecting, checking in and starting anew – this is possible any time for anyone.
Chris thank you for sharing your story, it is very confirming to read both to reflect on my life and also to consider what my daughter will be experiencing now as she grows up. I love your line “The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.” as this was the same for me when I came to Universal Medicine, its that feeling of connection with myself that is the foundation of everything and when I loose that connection nothing else matters until I feel the connection again.
Reading Chris’s story brought home for me too of what my sons feel around them from family and friends and how they are with that. It’s great to talk about these things and check in with ourselves of do we change or not.
Perfect Chris.. the games we play, how well we play them, and what damage they can do (especially as they feed not only the emptiness in ourselves, but equally are the other side required for everyone else in the family to continue playing out their own version). But building a relationship with yourself, as simple an antidote as it sounds, has immense power to break it down and show the world something real.
Sure Simon, if we can let go the individual need and see that there is something grander to adhere to we can connect to the truth of our being and with that to the grandness we are. That is then what we show to the world and bring into our families and which is as you say very real because we all do know it from deep inside.
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others” This is gold Chris. Seeking recognition from others is never enough as there will always be the desire for more, if not now then tomorrow or the next day, It can be like a drug. Connecting deeply with ourselves enables us to feel we are enough, without that neediness.
Yes Sue, seeking recognition is like an insatiable hunger never filled, connecting deeply with ourselves, to the love that we are, the hunger disappears as the emptiness is not there.
Beautiful analogy with the hunger – and our true connection is so yummy we don’t need recognition or acknowledgement from others then as we deeply know and embrace who we are.
Beautiful sharing Chris, it made me look at how I was the youngest in the family for four years and then a baby brother came along. This may explain a lot of how I also chose to withdraw. Finding that connection with self is such an important part of the puzzle of life and opens us up to be enjoyed by everyone.
It is such a delicate shift to make, between withdrawing into our selves verses re-connecting to our inner essence. One choice brings down the shutters, the other opens the door to our hearts and allows all our playfulness and love to flood out.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” A beautiful relationship that is the foundation for all relationships and connection with others.
Chris, thank you for sharing this, I can feel that in the past I have done this too and actually I have also done this as an adult; ‘by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again’, in recent years I have found that this is not a joyful way to live and that it is very up and down and so what I do now if I feel sad or upset is to talk about and express what it is I am feeling so that I do not have to experience the pain of withdrawing; expressing what I am feeling means that I do not shrink away and so I feel more empowered and consistent because of this.
When we re-establish our connection with ourselves, the world becomes a simple place, which requires nothing from outside of us to make us complete.
Yes, so true Steve and as we build trust with our inner world we are able to stop looking outside of us and trust what is within and know that what is within has been there all along, patiently waiting for us to re-connect.
Trust is a huge and fundamental part of our relationship with ourselves and the rest of the world. When we’re always tuning in, listening and responding to what we can feel, we naturally have our own backs, without needing anything from anyone or anything else.
I agree Bryony. I had very little trust in myself or the world and from building the connection with myself, with my body, what I feel guides me. I have my own knowing and with this I go out into the world.
We all developed strategies that got us the attention, that subsistuted the love we were missing in ourselves. Once we discover that this love is still there inside of us, these strategies will fall away.
Reading your blog Chris was like reading my own life story and once more I confirm that there is no other way than re-developing a true connection with ourselves. The stories whether same or different they are nothing but stories.
Thank you for being such a clear mirror .
The lovely thing about connecting with ourselves is that through that we connect with everyone else and as you describe we often find we all once had the same stories – maybe different flavours of separation but basically a story the exposes the hurt of the disconnection and the consequences of living in that way.
Many of us (and everyone eventually) are also blessed to share the story of the joy and glory of the reconnection 🙂
The stories are so familiar to us all as we are all ONE when we are choosing to make life about the whole than one self.
Why would we ever feel rejected when we are in that connection with our inner most in which we do know we are part off and in continuous connected to the all?
Nico thats a great point, whenever I feel that connection with myself the thought of rejection does not come in. The case in point is there can be two very similar situations occurring and based on how I am with myself I approach and am different with both of these. In One I get to feel horrible and worthless, i.e. when I feel that rejection and the hurt. And in the other I have more understanding and continue on with my day. The difference is me and how I choose to be.
Well said Nico – the simplicity of truth exposing the complication and lies of rejection and other emotional states that we believe to be the truth of who we are.
When we are in it for ‘self’ we are master manipulators, ever ready to bend and mould ourselves to our desired external experience. By handing the reigns over to this part of ourselves (the human spirit) we lose connection to our true self (our Soul), the part of us that does not wait for the outer world to confirm the truth we know ourselves in essence to be but more so allows us to bring forth into the world all the love that we are.
In an often turbulent and emotion-based world it is easy to get rocked frequently and want to withdraw, especially if there is no steadiness or knowing within to cope with what arises. To develop a connection to ourselves and with that an inner knowing and strength is of paramount importance for it to consistently support us to remain unshaken as we move through life.
so true to me Samantha, life is rocky and is constantly trying to take us out of that connection we all innately are born with.
Yes Samantha, I used to get rocked all the time and withdrew as a result feeling not able to cope, this was not the answer though. Developing connection to myself I no longer react in the way I used to.. withdrawing from life. As I build my connection my steadiness continues to build and my own knowing of how to deal with life is naturally there.
Beautiful Samantha. Yes, agreed. When I a have a steady rhythm and routine, nurture myself, express how I feel – commit to life, I develop an ever-increasing self-appreciation which supports when things get a little tough. When I feel a bit bombarded or thrown it is my rhythm and self-nurture that I return to.
When I feel more spacious it allows me to be more of me, there is less need to be confined to look or act in a certain or particular way. This confinement could be what I have picked up from those around when young or it could be what I have allowed myself to see. What does it mean to be me? This is what I have questioned…and I feel it is actually with space that I am discovering this deeper, as when there is more space I can feel much more than when I have been stuffed full of ideals and beliefs.
Beautifully written Chris, so deeply honest and accountable with much for me to ponder on with some similar patterns arising as a first-born too. I have either used striving for achievement or withdrawal as means for recognition, and agree that the simplicity of returning to our essence and establishing a steadiness with this provides a foundation to truly love ourselves and others. From our essence there is no need to seek the other seeming rewards we can desire when we live in disconnection from ourselves.
I was third born and also ended up in a mess – whatever happens same result for most which is to lose connection to who we truly are. What a blessing thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to reconnect to the true love I am and that we all are.