It was Valentine’s Day yesterday. In the eyes of the world, it may be considered that I have had the worst day of my life.
I had a disagreement with my partner which lasted for six hours. We did not just ignore each other but rather, we continuously communicated throughout these six hours almost non-stop, except for a brief period where we bought food, cooked and ate dinner at almost midnight!
Everything was so imperfect and completely in contrast to the picture-perfect images that were bombarding us all around on this day of love. We did not give each other gifts, we did not have a special dinner; there was no sweet photo of us together. We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.
Why would I say that?
In our commitment to get to the heart of the matter of this argument we dealt with many different topics, such as the consciousness relating to genders, money, doubt, insecurity, judgement, imposition, brotherhood etc., to get to the core issues of responsibility, attachment and need. That the truth is, we know the both of us are more than how we have chosen to live. So we got to feel what that was like. In the process, we received all of our honesty from feeling genuine frustration and stress, insecurity and reactions. In effect, we blatantly received all of our patterns and their consequences and during this, I felt a point of clarity of choice.
At that point, I also felt the deep touch of my partner who bared his vulnerability and threw away his protection to tell me how he was feeling. We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.
Throughout most of our night, I observed myself. My movements also testified that no matter what, through thick and thin, I will always be by our side. Whenever I felt like protecting myself and wanting to cross my legs, I opened them again. I made sure I felt warm. I did not shout but my tone and manner was firm. I looked my partner in the eye. I sat beside him. We went to buy food together and ate our light dinner together. And I observed my partner’s movements changing from frustration to patience. We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.
We did not have any sweet words or gestures. We went to bed separately, but the fullness and equality I felt within myself gave me the deepest sleep. When my partner and I woke up in the morning, we naturally cuddled together, now ever more in understanding and love for each other.
Our imperfections lived have knocked down the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders. As a woman, knowing how as a culture/gender we hold back our power and the truth of who we are. I take the responsibility to be seen by my partner, all the parts of me that I felt uncomfortable in showing, the qualities that I do not know how to handle or may feel embarrassed about because it would mean greater responsibility.
Qualities like being naturally in authority and expressive, having the ability to feel deeply and the ease in communicating these feelings, but always being faced with the resistance that, to be accepted, these are ‘no go’ zones. And what I felt was a man who has never wanted anything less from me. I have never felt equality like this before as a woman by not hiding myself.
Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.
Published with permission from my partner.
By Adele Leung, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
No Passport required: making Relationships about Love
What is true love?
Unconditional Love
It now makes no sense to me that we communicate our love to each other on one day of the year. Surely we should be communicating love with ourselves and each other every day of the year? Why have we decided that this can only happen on Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t make any sense to me. We have so many rules and regulations in life and about life that do not make any sense? who made them up and then implemented them?
” It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.” A beautiful commitment to love.
Thank you Adele, as I can feel the appreciation you hold yourself in (your essence) and thus not allowing yourself to dip or drop and as it is True Appreciation you also feel the essence of your partner and appreciate that in him. Creating True-intimacy, as we can not have appreciation without intimacy and the authority and confirmation of the essence you hold yourself in, gives you the most power-full divine purpose.
The beautifull thing that I know and understand about you and your partners’ relationship is that every day, in fact every moment, truly seems to be about love therefore why be held to ransom on one day about what a relationship ‘should’ be like when in truth this day is made only for the commercial and retail industry, it is not about true love at all. As you have shared we need to knock down ‘the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman’ or same sex couple. #lettinggoofthepictures #lettinggoofidealsandbeliefs #makingitabouttrueexpression ❤️
When another opens up and shares their vulnerability with us we are offered the opportunity of going deeper in love with both them and ourselves.
Before we can say I love you we really need to know what love is, unfortuantly world wide there are many of us who think we know what love is yet fail to understand it is already in us.
I agree it is easy to say the word love but are we truly living this? Equally do we truly deeply love ourselves before we love another? Anyone can be in a relationship but what is the quality of the relationship?
Vulnerability is such beautiful thing, seriously more people are going to be genuine and care for you when you are able to open up and show them that vulnerable side.
How can we express love if we have not felt and experienced it within ourselves first, so we express from a known, ‘That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.’
Being honest and sharing how we feel is far greater than any niceness or protecting ourselves against another we claim to ‘love’.
And here it is coming around again. We accept the tokenism of love when the truth of love is within us all, waiting to be connected to.
Adele, the livingness of your expression and the depth of your lived love is flowing from your blog off the page and into life itself. Thank you for sharing…..I thank you with my all.
When we let love be the foundation of our relationship with ourselves we are totally open to letting love be in our relationship with others… this magnificence first and then all the imperfections we have as humans.
The most powerful way of living is to simply reflect the love we are and then in this transparency we can feel how our relationships can expand or evolve and this is not just for couples. for everyone we meet we have a relationship with..
Adele, what you are sharing in this article is gold. For us to be open and honest and raw with each other feels like a true way to be in relationship. Being nice and polite and not speaking up through fear of not wanting to rock the boat can cause tension bitterness and resentment in relationships.
Absolutely, Rebecca, and what the world really needs right now is true relationships – open, honest, raw, imperfections and all, and with love as their foundation.
These images of what we think life and Love should be keep us trapped in stagnant arrangements and shut down to true change and hence vitality. So much better to let life be without judgement.
Love is being honest with each other at all times regardless of the day.
This is what is needed with a relationship, a commitment to get to the bottom of things and not to just let things go unresolved – it can only serve to make a relationship stronger.
As soon as we have an expectation for another to change in a good way or not so good then we no longer have a relationship and could it be that anything less than Love, True Love is a judgement disguise as an expectation?
Then could it also be true that we are addicted to wanting others to change and will even pay others to twist their arm?
Its amazing the clarity we can get when we are prepared to be deeply honest. Then what comes after that is felt and there is space for change if we so choose it.
The more authentic we are with each other the more opportunity there is for a deepening in our relationships. So drop the game playing and all that niceness!
“Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us” – yes, the foundational quality we set for ourselves we set for another to expand that quality even deeper.
This breaks the norm – it makes love about a true reflection and pulling each other up rather than using a day to be nice to each other. Where is the purpose in this?
With love as the foundation, we realise that pulling each other up is one of the greatest ways to support one another – no critique just inspiration to live our full potential.
Always with love as our foundation, pulling one another up, feels so gorgeous.
Being true, truthful and honest is to be loving, even when at times it is difficult to express and/or hear.
When we look at it from an observant point of view: we have a body filled with love or a body empty of that love. How can we express love towards another when our own body is empty of it?
This shows us that walking around empty is never truly expanding our love. We need to build a connection to ourselves that strengthens us in our understanding of what love is and to start living from there. That is whats building a body of love is !
A body of emptiness needs. Many bodies of emptiness make neediness and needing each other love. But that is a great illusion and falsity. Love is complete and full, there is no one ounce of need in it.
“Our imperfections lived have knocked down the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders.” So beautifully expressed Adele. Love has no perfection, but only the true expression of who we are in whatever shape or form that may take.
Love can only be lived before it is spoken.
The body our true market of truth. If we want to know love, feel and express from the body.
“In our commitment to get to the heart of the matter of this argument we dealt with many different topics, such as the consciousness relating to genders, money, doubt, insecurity, judgement, imposition, brotherhood etc., to get to the core issues of responsibility, attachment and need” – Adele what a relationship you enjoy with your partner and so too what love to be discussing these things/hindrances that deeply hamper a truer love from being.
The beauty of any relationship reflects a deeper potential and possibility we can go with ourselves and each other.
So well expressed, Adele, for if there is not expansion and evolution there is instead stagnation and that is not love. True love is self-perpetuating and thereby forever deepening and growing.
Every re-correction shows us the detour from Truth we have lived in the past, the discomfort is our own choice to leave ourselves, but this process (evolution) cannot be stopped and the surrender to each committing moment is because we naturally always move back towards Truth.
I love this for it reminds us that there is no perfection and to strive for it means we are missing out on all those growing and evolving moments that can deepen our love for ourselves and each other.
I love that evolution is a process, imagine how unnatural it would feel if it’s linear and non spherical…impossible.
We are bombarded by pictures about love, romance and relationships and these are exactly what will make us unhappy. If we strive for the perfect picture we will be easily disappointed but if we are free from the picture we are free to experience what is truly in front of us, and this might be actually so much more then a picture could ever capture.
Thank you, Elaine. Every reminder to dispense with perfection is gold. Being free of perfectionism opens us up to learning so much.
“We received no niceness and gave none” – that feels challenging as niceness can creep in to ‘keep the peace’ but it also feels very refreshing.
Peace is only ever temporary, it feels much more settling to the body to deal with whatever’s needed from the core.
My body squirms when I hear an often saying that if it is love then it should hurt. That is just a confirmation that we are so far from the truth of what love really is in our body. We have lost this connection but never is it too late to re-connect to it.
“before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.” Love does start with our own loving choices – lived first and then as an expression in our relationships.
We may not even need to open our mouths then, or more accurately, our words only come as a confirmation of how we have consistently moved.
Thankyou Adele. Allowing yourselves to show your vulnerablity to each other, and to let that unfold between you without any expectations or emotional attachments but instead to let each other just be in their own connection and then eventually return to a deepr understanding of each other is truly inspiring, and so not how disagreements usually unfold.
There is no other way but the way to love deeper, it might not happen immediately but the movement is inevitable.
It is very common to come up against challenging moments in a relationship but it is how we handle them and communicate with each other is key. We are either building a more loving foundation or we can add to the complication and destruction. What you’ve shared Adele is an example of how we can work through a challenging moment together and evolve.
These moments are so precious always reminding us that there is more to unravel, let go, clear patterns of and more love to deepen into. No pictures of perfection but feeling each movement is key to keep appreciating. There is no investment and therefore no struggle either.
In our letting go of pictures, ideals and beliefs of what love is or ‘should‘ be or look like we then are open to exploring how we can deepen our relationship with the true love we are in essence with our commitment to being honest about what is not love and our willingness to let go of that which is not in honor of the love we all are.
Letting go of love pictures show me love is truly everywhere around, the expression of it may not be what I expect, but my heart that is open can pick up on all these expressions and appreciate them.
This blog describes the greatest gifts and presents you can ever give another on Valentine’s day. As in reading it I could tangibly feel the love that was at play, the love that is so pure that it will bring all that is not love to the surface, to look air, deal with and discard it so it will never enter into your relationship anytime thereafter.
When things are hard or ‘go badly’ it isn’t the sign that we are no good as we so often think but that we are about to learn something great – and are given the inspiration to make the required change.
Yes Joseph so true – love is always pulling us up to be more. And the more we say ‘yes’ the more there is for us to explore. This I find totally inspiring.
Beautiful and this is what treu love is about, evolving and expanding and so a true relationship will be about this. In this understanding bumps on the road are not a problem but an opportunity and can be approached as such.
So true Joseph and it is awesome to appreciate the learning we receive when we are open to them no matter what we are presented with.
Thank you for this deeply touching piece of writing. You have sketched a day of love, of truth and vulnerability. I especially adore this sentence, “… mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed”. There is true alchemy in this expression and it is very inspiring.
Hear, hear Gabriele, very well said. This is a beautiful example of how love is about expansion and allowing each other space to grow in our own time.
This rawness and vulnerability in expression is now deeply appreciated too Gabriele, and this appreciation has made it clearer for me to see what is Truth too.
“Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.” The love and responsibility of this is beautiful to feel and very inspiring allowing ourselves the honesty to be who we are .
Thank goodness for movement in life! Not everyone would want to hear or speak it, but our movements say it all.
Sometimes love is a firm pull up, it is telling someone that their behaviour is not the amazing person we know them to be, it is asking someone to be more. Love does not leave us to be less
Oh yes! Ultimately this is a pull up of both/all sides if we all say yes. It is always loving to express if anyone is lagging behind, whether they react or respond.
If we keep that as its core, at our heart and its foundation knowing that love lets us be less when we don’t look at something that is not “nice” fight it when it is in fact the love we so desperately crave.
I love what you’ve shared here Adele, as you both chose to go to the discomfort and not settle for the comfortable arrangement. Most of us don’t like to feel the discomfort and find ways to mask over what we feel needing our relationships to be on a comfortable footing in order to feel secure and safe.
We all want security that’s true. But true security comes from dealing with our hurts, step by step…rather than covering up what we don’t want to face and pretend everything is perfect. That is just so uncomfortable to feel.
Adele a great way to look at what true Security is all about. Something that is based on our connection to our soul and relationship with ourselves in full.
You broach a very important point – the willingness to feel the discomfort and tension rather than pretending that everything is okay. The latter sweeps everything under the carpet and the former leads to openness, vulnerability, understanding, acceptance and more love.
And this comfortable way is actually our normal. It is the comfort we at time seek that make our lives so miserable.
We are addicted to our comforts after life times of having a Love-less relationship instead of looking at the discomforts of life and embracing them as our greatest teacher.
What a beautiful way to be developing and building your relationship and how we have to truly know ourselves first before we can truly another.
Nothing is more sexy than truth!
Yes! And I would add realness to the list. Truth in its nakedness can be overwhelming for some but realness touches the openness within us that eventually returns to Truth.
Love needs to be celebrated every day and not just on Valentine’s day.
I wonder about our incessant need to make one day, one event, one person special in our lives. Is this not a reflection of us wanting to make ourselves special too…when we have not lived the grandness we already are in our every breath?
I love this sort of honesty in relationships! We can get though life being nice but nothing is true, but when we open up to the truth things may get bumpy and rough at times but will become solid and everlasting.
Realness is very sexy.
Agreed Kev, let’s embrace true relationships. Where we are speak what is true and felt, no holding back.
‘We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.’ When in disagreement with another it can be very easy to throw in the towel, blame the other, or walk away. But this is a beautiful testimony of love holding the disagreement and winning out.
For many Valentine’s Day is not just a day of love, it is a day that we give permission to ourselves to express the love that we feel around the year, it is an issue not just on love but the expression of it.
It is a totally different experience when we are true to our relationship and feeings. How many people buy their partner flowers on Valentine’s Day or be nice just because of the day? What I love about this sharing is that it brings a realness in and it shows that we don’t have to be locked into a special day – what is first is the evolution of a relationship.
This is real, raw, delicate and powerful all at once. Thank you Adele for sharing the love you are.
Away from the expectations and norms of society it is very inspiring to read, ‘re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies’. I understand that it is here that we can have an unwavering foundation to build relationships and commitment to life.
Staying in relationship, no matter what. Dealing with the reactions as they come up and not letting them change the way you feel about each other. Holding true to the disagreement and being willing to find the truth, together. What better date is there than this… because its very real, and not sugar coated (and skin deep).
This puts a big smile on my face Simon, we can always feel Truth. Yes the recorrection back to Truth may be a bit challenging but if we do not start to express back to Truth, no matter how challenging it may seem, we would never get there.
‘I take the responsibility to be seen by my partner, all the parts of me that I felt uncomfortable in showing, the qualities that I do not know how to handle or may feel embarrassed about because it would mean greater responsibility.’ Beautifully said Adele, to be transparent and intimate with another is key to having true relationships with everyone.
So true Anna when we do not want to hide from ourselves we no longer can hide from others too. We are not perfect but we want to share it all.
“Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies” – such is the beauty of truth that is the marker of wisdom – the livingness of love lived from the body.
I love what you said Zofia: love is a confirmation in the body felt, it is never just a gesture or outward appearance.
I really like the realness of this blog that blows out all the shoulds we are sold about how valentine’s day and relationships in general should be. Not only is it real but there is a lot of responsibility and care taken with yourselves and each other. The ‘goal’ is not to get back to ‘happy ever after’ but a deeper, truer love for each other, no matter what that looks like.
The Happy ever after is not the destination of a relationship, it is in fact the every moment of everyday.
The shoulds in life are a prison to truly feeling love and to being present with our bodies and what we need. Love is never a picture but a holding of each other always and more.
“Reflecting love on Valentine’s Day” – reflecting love on any day, is always love and loving.
Love is not a seek for perfection but a forever deepening.
I commend you Adele (and your partner) with your commitment to going deeper and exploring the truth of what is going on between you. It is far better to lay all the cards out on the table, deal with the issues and move on than it is to hold things back and be in comfort together. An arrangement that is nothing more than a convenient contract together and in no way true love.
The best thing Joshua is this deepening of relationship cannot remain only with partners but expand to all relationships in work and beyond.
If we reduce love to flowers and chocolate and a once a year celebration we are missing out on one of the richest most amazing experiences in this planet.
Imagine being upset over not receiving flowers and chocolates on this day, it would be like weeping for a reduced state but for the wrong reasons.
The expectations people have around Valentine’s Day are huge and overwhelming and it also feels very commercial. Thank you Adele for showing that there is another way to love somebody, by holding them equally to us and by being raw and real with each other.
The day when raw and intimate becomes just the norm depends on our every movement from this moment.
Living that raw and real every day can make every day a special one.
True love is to allow all that is not love in our relationships to be exposed in all it’s rawness which otherwise just is there but stops us from connecting deeper.
I really appreciate this Nico. Every moment when we exercise cruelty on each other we expose the energy that is not us, and we start to discover who we are.
When we are able to understand that ‘the other’ does not need to change, as in general that is what we want when we are in a disagreement with one another, there is an invitation to connect more deeply as the preconditions drops away and allow that deeper connection that will do the true work in coming closer together.
Wanting another to change is imposing an instruct into them to move in a rhythm that we want but not what they are naturally ready for. This is not love as there is a closing in of space rather than an expansion of space.
“We did not have any sweet words or gestures” – when there is instead the beingness and movement of love, words are not required.
There are many other movements including but not exclusive to words which when the expression is Love, we can look into all of these movements and observe if they are loving.
Love is the first and ultimate choice. It is always about love or not love and this choice would always impact everything in our lives.
We strive for pretty pictures. In fact we want to wake up every day and the world would be perfect. But it never is. So having a perfect picture would be wanting to have something that could never be, but the awesome thing is what we know to be true is always a deeper responsibility in Livingness.
This is such a breath of fresh air, the honesty and realness of your relationship as oppose to the superficial romantic nights on valetines. I know which one I’ll be choosing. Thanks for sharing Adele.
Love is in our breath, not whether it is sweet smelling or not, but if we are breathing who we are.
Feeling love when by all accounts you should be feeling that all is lost, is such a huge testament to you and to the power of Universal Medicine, for showing us all that no matter what – you do not have to give up on love.
Absolutely. Never give up on love comes from the divine will that is within us. There is no one sliver of hurt in love.
When we fight with our beloved then we are in reaction to something. The trouble with reacting and responding is that a reaction gives the other no reason to change their behaviour except for a fear of a repeated reaction.
And the fear of repeating something is always a contraction and never a fullness nor an expression of love. Why would we foster this loveless foundation if we are in a relationship that is meant to be about love?
WOW who needs gifts, a sweet photo or a special dinner when you have this ‘We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.’ I would rather have that ANY day. Sounds pretty awesome to me and very inspiring.
Love without a picture is always inspiring I’d have to absolutely agree Vicky but without this embodied it could be easy to miss out on it.
Dropping the expectations we have of one and other is one of the best presents we could give to another.
Returning to a more blank canvas with each other in relationship with the purity of love is truly freeing. We have to work at it constantly to return to love for the direction of movement is always deeper and backwards.
What a hugely embracing and confirming way to see our imperfections in any relationship, that when observed and called out they serve to knock down “the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders.” Without judgement we have acceptance and love of one another.
This goes beyond Valentine’s Day but every day we get the chance to see clearer without the blinkers of the ideals of perfection and love is in every encounter with everyone.
There are so many ideas and beliefs regarding what love is that sometimes we can be challenged when true love is in front of us or coming through us to be expressed.
Extremely so as there is no lived remnant of what love is in our body. That said, once love has touched us in the connect with our soul, nothing else is ever sufficient.
I know for me it is better for things to get a bit messy and ugly and get to the bottom of things than to let them carry on being nice in the surface but underneath still not be dealing with those unsaid issues and tensions.
Being real and raw can be messy but so true that love only ever wants to go deeper.
We so avoid raw and messy and being real as it doesn’t fit the picture, but this holding on to the picture is the very thing that stops us from going deeper and feeling the truth and beauty of the love we are, that is waiting to be felt, expressed and lived.
There is nothing like the honesty of authenticity of accepting where we are at in any moment, as from that point there is the choice or option of coming back and living who we truly are in essence.
‘In our commitment to get to the heart of the matter of this argument we dealt with many different topics…’ Your sharing shows that no matter the difficulty, when both sides are committed to getting to the truth, just what can happen.
If we have held off committing to something or going deeper for a while there may be some getting used to, but the joy and impact long term is so worth it.
The beauty is these opportunities are there every day and every where, nothing supports us to return to the expression of love so much once this spark is realized. We just have to take the opportunities.
How is it possible to reduce the celebration of love to only one day of the year, a day we call Valentine’s Day? What you’ve share Adele is that love is not about comfort but a deep surrender, openness and honesty to go there and live love in our everyday.
Love is who we are , our breath that we breathe, we cannot ever find it outside of ourselves. What we don’t see outside as loving, we are asked to see how we are unloving to ourselves within.
Agreed Chan, lets make every day worth celebrating.
Reflecting love is reflecting all those tiny yet ever so potent sparks that are us, to shine the all of us.
And this exposes anything in our path that is not love through our loving way. The brighter we shine the more we inspire and heal.
What an amazing process of patience, acceptance and beholding.
Love is who we are. We should therefore be being blinded from every conceivable angle by it’s reflection. The fact that we’re not, speaks volumes about the choices that we’re all making.
To be bathed in the love we are is a daily washing not to be missed.
What joy and nourishment, true medicine and healing we all have the ability to connect with daily once the choice to truly love is made.
Love is an emanation – the Christ light that lives within us all. As such it cannot be given to another, for how do you give someone that which they already are? It is a source of energy we either align with or we do not. Therefore love is not ours to own, we are simply beholders of it and our job is to embody it so all others know they are equally beholders as are they always beheld.
The embodiment is the greatest gift and reflection to the world, and yet it is just natural.
Adele, this is gorgeous; ‘We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.’ How beautiful to be so open, raw and honest with each other, this feels like our true way of being together – not holding anything back, simply being ourselves. I find this deeply inspiring.
Adele, this is really beautiful to read; ‘My movements also testified that no matter what, through thick and thin, I will always be by our side. Whenever I felt like protecting myself and wanting to cross my legs, I opened them again. I made sure I felt warm.’ I am aware that during discussions it is easy to get defensive and protected and go cold and so it is gorgeous to be aware of our body movements during discussions, so that we are open and loving.
The details we can be aware of the body speaking and these details are reflected to others energetically always.
I agree Rebecca, it can be so easy to forget ourselves when deep in discussion so to stay aware of our movements and to take care of our body’s needs during this time allows us to watch when we might be closing down, resisting or hardening and gives us the opportunity to surrender and stay open.
The more I watch and am aware of my movements the more I realise just how key our movements truly are – they can change our moods and thoughts, release tension, bring clarity, offer nurturing and delicate tender loving care… so powerful and profound.
I deeply appreciate those who do not freely express I love you. From this I could sense a responsibility felt with any impart of this word, if it’s not true do not pretend it is truth.
Reading your blog Adele, I really get to feel how love is just so exquisitely precious for us to behold and whatever it takes for us to receive and to share this clear true love, really is worth all the effort and distillation of what is true from what is not true.
In love the beholding is solid and what is not true drops away.
Wow Adele, that was totally gorgeous to read and what a gift of love you offered each other in your willingness to be truly naked for the other. Incredible sharing.
Kim the inspiration is to look deeper and beyond any picture, there could be another underlying truth.
Being open and willing to not always being right is key, especially in relationship with another. Everything we do effects the other person, and everybody else in the Universe, and remembering this is key. Because as you have shared when we bring it back to love, there is no issue as nothing else matters. It is only when we step away from love that the tension or issues come. To have the commitment to say ok I am willing to be fully open, and express what is going on even if you may not like to hear it is a gorgeous testament to the relationship you have built. It can be easy to walk away being in the ‘right’ but then nothing changes and the other person is then left hanging, so really you both lose. It is only when we pull each other back into the love we are that then everyone wins.
I always remember the wise words of it is never about being right but being love.
All my body ever craves is the unity of love.
Reading this again I feel strongly that in relationships it is never about the individual but the togetherness, this is always a respect and understanding to go deeper.
I am very inspired by this article as the way you dealt with the argument with your partner is almost the opposite of how most of us deal with such a situation. You kept talking throughout – most would withdraw, fume or sulk. You acknowledged there was tensions and an issue – how common is it to carry on and pretend everything is ok? You didn’t try to hide how you felt and didn’t go into right or wrong – this allowed you both to stay honest and raw.
Yes, staying connected can be an excellent way to move from reaction to response and can remove misunderstandings.
Anything we say to another person in any relationship should be a confirmation of the movements lived in that relationship. ‘I love you’ means nothing unless your movements have already expressed this.
Very true Susie, so often we can use words all the ‘right’ and pleasing words but if they do not come from the body with love then they are meaningless. The energy we communicate in is far more important and felt deeper than any words can ever express.
Talk the walk that already is. Love should be no different.
Really there is truly nothing more romantic then seeing someone open up, bare their vulnerability and drop their protection if we don’t have this a foundation then we can’t ever truly move on.
Very true and what settles my body is never perfection but the feeling of that what has been difficult has been dealt with, opened up and expressed. We express and move ourselves back to love.
The vulnerability expressed in a partner melts my heart and the respect and honouring of me I absolutely adore – there is nothing greater in any moment than being met with the love of who we truly are.
The world would be a better place if we could all be this honest in the relationships we choose to be in, scrap being nice for truth and watch things blossom.
No matter what, it is not possible to stay in this very clear tension of any disharmony and the learning to return to love is to learn about this process of going back to this harmony.
‘At that point, I also felt the deep touch of my partner who bared his vulnerability and threw away his protection to tell me how he was feeling.’ – what a gift and an honouring of your partner and you, Adele. Being truly honest with each other can be very confronting – yet it’s the only way we can truly share intimacy and be able to work through anything that is getting in the way, deconstructing any obstacles that are preventing us from holding each other in the love that we are, unreservedly so.
What a picture to really deconstruct—true intimacy is not being picture-perfect but working through confrontations, to feel love again within us.
‘Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.’ – by living in this way we can truly support each other from a place of settlement, not needing anything from the other person, rather, connecting and enjoying building intimacy in the relationship without any attachment, but absolute joy in sharing and receiving love – love that is an expression of what is already being lived.
Absolutely love, love, love your blog, Adele, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. With your introduction, explaining how your day did not fit the ‘picture’ of a ‘loving Valentines Day’ – as I continued to read I could feel what an amazing and truly evolving time you shared together with your partner. No, it may not have ‘looked’ as though you were loving each other, but in truth, there is nothing more loving than holding another in the love that you know they are and offering them the space to be that love – the same love that you are equally holding your self in first. To challenge each other when you know they may be holding back, or resisting being true to who they are, not in a judgmental way, but with honesty and vulnerability – this is being intimate – something we too often trade for an easy comfortable life, which may ‘look’ good and fit a picture, but it feels empty.
I have realized recently that lovelessness is such a familiar feeling for so many of us. We crave being put down, fighting and bickering, the protection we put up for being rejected of the love that we are. We do not want to commit to the Livingness of love and hence choosing reaction is easier and much more comfortable. But what if we do not end in reaction, but go deeper? Are we willing to go deeper to feel and face the deep love that we have had hidden but we know is a part of us?
Love is an energetic quality that knows we are all equal. It never holds back for the sake of keeping the peace but it will always deliver the truth with such tender honesty that we cannot help but accept the invitation to look deeper within our selves. When we live this love, everyday is Valentine’s Day.
I hear you Rowena. Expression is an absolute crucial tool and we would never hold it back when the intention to express lovingly is compatible with the Expression itself.
‘We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.’ The moment we let go our investments we have in this human form, love can do its amazing work.
Yesterday was Chinese Valentine’s Day. The legend goes that a pair of mythical figures, lovers, can only meet once a year on this day. The heavens built a bridge for them to meet. It is supposed to be very romantic and painfully sweet. For starters, no love is ever painful. And secondly, only seeing once a year, no matter what the reason is, is a choice. Relationships with each other are a door to reflect and evolve, the choice to meet only once a year is not a relationship (there is no Skype in the legend) but an avoidance of relationship rather, to vacuum the definition of love to be a perfect picture full of emotional yearning yet devoid of the gold—our Livingness.
Very true, the body does not lie. And the authority and closeness first and foremost is always to my own body, not to any person, situation or thing.
Going to those ‘no go zones’ is where we need to go so there’s nothing in the way of being intimate with one another. Any time I smooth over what I feel the world becomes dull and loses its magic. In the past I’ve put on a great show of pretence that all is ok. Reading this I’m inspired to go deeper and clear out what doesn’t belong.
Is tearing down our walls and exposing who we have hidden for lifetimes, the most loving gift we could ever offer ourselves and those around us!
The true gift to anyone that is. Love is never just for one special person. Then that person we have chosen to spend our life with will truly receive what is love.
What have we done to the nature of the day when days like Valentine’s Day, birthdays and Christmas day are filled with so much expectation and pressure?
There is no conformation or a true celebration of togetherness in any of them.
If our one day of the year on love is devoted to the comfort of the superficial, then we are setting ourselves up for the rest of the year to not go deeper.
“We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed” – that’s so beautiful Adele, the change that occurred being the realisation of this.
Actually we all are longing for love and to have that reflected in our (intimate) relationships. The only way to let this happen is to let go all the guards, ideas, beliefs and any picture and to fully rely on the rawness that is underneath. The love that then can surface will show us the way and what true love in a relationship is. It is purely divine and with respect, decency and enormous appreciation for the being being exposed in its rawness and vulnerability.
The beauty of having an argument that starts of with all the hurt we then feel and tend to blame on the other is in the end in the understanding that it is our own responsibility to become open and transparant and deal with these hurts in a way that they do not work out on the other. Nobody has to change, but everything then has already changed because this is not the normal way people tend to deal with their hurts.
It is indeed amazing the opportunities we are given to look at our own hurts, patterns, beliefs in our relationships to never feel less, but to be obedient of the movement of love always deepening.
Rather than trying to fit the pictures of romantic love in life, can we first live the love that we are in essence with each other.
If we do want to live true love with each other, that is the only place to start, be in the essence of ourselves and with each other. All relationships are one relationship, I really appreciate this simplicity.
This is a beautiful example of commitment to truth, to bringing the utmost honesty to relationship – whether that takes 5mins, 5 hours or 5 days … rather than covering things over with ‘should do’s’ such as flowers, hearts and chocolates on one day of the year.
Be it 500 lifetimes, the commitment back to love is unwavering.
I love your Valentine’s Day – no gadgets, tricks or impositions but total honesty and delicious transparency, warts and all. It is rare we allow ourselves to fathom these depths but, when we do, the results speak for themselves.
The results do not only speak for themselves, they are emanated in space as a role model so to say available for others to choose and experiment with. It is so much grander what we are earthing in energy when we are deepening our connection with the love we are from than we only experience in the physical.
So many of us can have superficial or convenient relationships that can tick all the boxes and look great from the outside but are slowly but surely killing us inside so committing to truth as a stepping stone to true love is really the only option.
Being perfect on the outside is impossible but when we need to upkeep this appearance, it is deeply straining without the inner foundation. What I question is, the couples who show their perfected but empty relationships in public—what are we really telling the public? That that is already sufficient in a relationship. Just for show is good enough. But we can all feel the emptiness and we accept the lies and this has become our marker of love.
I would question how is it possible to bear even one moment of a non-evolving relationship, how much of ourselves have we chosen to numb?
Beautiful expression – our love is whole, never a part. What I got from this is that there is no reason to stop loving or to be more loving on Valentine’s Day than any other day.. I am inspired by The Way of The Livingness to make life more about love and the fact that our love is an endless movement we can connect to or either move away from.
Commitment is key to have a flourishing relationship with ourselves and all others. A commitment to consistent exploration of what is true and is not true, with a humbleness to always be open to learn.
Very beautiful yes…commitment is the movement of true will. Knowing the roots of where we are from and will return.
The fact that you spent Valentine’s day without the exchange of gifts, did not have a special dinner or instagrammed photos of you together… and were in disagreement to boot, yet had never felt a love so true is reason to look much more deeply into what love is, and what have we accepted love to be – that in truth, is not.
We have fallen for an emotional, romanticised ideal of love, borrowed from fairy tales and Walt Disney – to our great detriment and at a huge loss to true settlement.
I remember being a teenager and thought love was all you see in the movies but in holding onto a picture without feeling the substance is a huge let down. That sparked a long long journey to find what love is about.
We’re here to reflect love on every day, to be a constant terminal of love.
We can get carried away with a picture of love – the romantic emotional type where Valentine’s Day is measured by the flowers and nice things people do – but I know love to be a different feeling – that it is always developing and deepening and that we cannot have a picture of it because it is always about a relationship we have with ourselves and others.
I love the practical elements you’ve brought in here Adele with paying attention to what you were feeling and keeping your body warm, to support yourself to keep going for it and to keep expressing. How often do we do that regularly in our day to day life, let alone situations that we might find challenging?
Tools we can apply to every challenging situation Bryony, to come back first to the connection with ourselves.
Yes the connection of ourselves is pivotal in understanding and gaining a deeper awareness of all that surrounds us.
What I can really feel in what you share Adele is the commitment to communicating and the deep honouring of loving ourselves first and bringing those to our foundations in relationships.
So true Natalie the commitment to communicate opens the door to returning to and deepening of love. Otherwise it’s a dead end.
There is a whole relationship course in what you have shared Adele especially how you came back and looked after yourself but kept yourself open not closed. In not wanting another to change, we have also changed allowing another the space and possibility to come out of the emotional state they are in.
It would be awesome to share this in a course/courses, as relationship is in everywhere in life, everywhere we go we are talking about relationship.
I love the commitment to sorting things out, to keep expressing and delving into how you both feel. This is the love we should be celebrating not the once a year ‘flowers and chocolates’ kind of love.
Fiona it is through our communication and Expression that love can be deepened, what an amazing tool to have.
What a great sharing of the ideals and beliefs that go with one day of LOVE that is sold to us yet the true love is the commitment to delving and expressing ourselves with each other.
There are so many pictures of what love is. But it is not so much about what we do but about the quality that we hold each other in. It is the quality that defines the love, not how much we do.
Quality is an unknown concept when we remain hard and not feel. But once we drop our guards to truly feel we understand that quality is the foundation to everything. We cannot have appearance without substance.
So true Lieke, and we tend to focus on what we do and forget to appreciate the quality of love. Whenever we reduce love to function and doing, we lose the essence of love and miss out on the magic of true love by settling for the lesser version which leaves us feeling lost, empty and forever craving for more.
It seems to me, that there is love to be learned on all days. And this is what makes each day potentially very special – to be given the opportunity to embrace what has been given to learn through our relationships with each other.
Your dedication to coming to a point of truth in your disagreement is inspiring and the deepening of your relationship through doing so reflects the true potential of relationships.
I ponder what dedication is…it is a true adoration and commitment to ourselves. We know there is a deep deep beautiful beyond that of physicality that wants to be expressed out and we go there no matter what.
However challenging, and even painful, at times to deepen intimacy and transparency, to reflect lovingly areas of growth and heal previously unhealed hurts with another, there is one of the greatest expressions of love there is.
It takes a deep breath every time when love deepens in intimacy, the reaction that comes back requires taking a gentle breath to steady myself, read and observe. Then expressing resumes steady still in beholding. Hurts may arise and it’s okay, just keep observing and moving.
“we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt” – How powerful that the two of you are re-building foundations together; naturally they will be stronger than ever before with the strength of both contributing.
You just shared the true definition of relationship Susie.
“It was Valentine’s Day yesterday. In the eyes of the world, it may be considered that I have had the worst day of my life” – yes though in the eyes of those who seek truth in their relationship, it is embraced as being the very finest day in one’s life for the pearls that formed.
So often I have let things slide in relationships but now I’m saying what doesn’t feel true and addressing many of my old traits of not addressing things that are based on my beliefs about genders or stereotypical gendered ways of reacting. I may also address something but it takes quite a few layers to keep coming back to.
There are times when I fear that I’ve gone too far and the relationship will break down. I then come back to knowing that that’s ok even if it does because if it does I will still have shared more intimacy than if I’d let things slide. Letting things slide is like not cleaning away a layer of grease. The more we do this the less we know who we are or are seen for who we truly are.
This is beautiful Karin. We can only offer love by being it. It is then the choice of others to say yes or not. But we respect ourselves and the relationship by going deeper.
I cannot even recall a time of hearts and flowers—that’s true, as I have never wanted that or experienced that in my life. The truth of relationships have always been known within, and this is amazing to appreciate.
I think the whole world will benefit from a reflection of True Love, one that is consistent and holds another in all the glory they are. For why is it that on Valentine’s day a bunch of roses makes do for a year of up and down abuse?
If we indulge or ignore abuse we are losing the opportunity to go deeper and look at our patterns and our hurts, which are there and in our relationships as absolute gold for us to go deeper back in love, as individuals and as partners.
The commitment back to every part of life is precious, and relationship is in everything in life. And we thought a 9-5 job was everything ?
Expression is key. If there is no expression there is no exposing, understanding or going deeper. Relationships is all about Expression.
Yes and it gets uncomfortable when we stay at one point of communication with each without expressing what we truly feel.
I love it – when relationships get raw, honest, and express our vulnerability, it does not need to get indulgent, this is us being open and not hiding what is going on for us, and it leads to deeper intimacy.
True. It all depends on what our intentions are and what energy is fueling our actions.
It can feel like a great risk to take, expressing our vulnerability without our usual protections and yet it can allow another to take the risk too and greater intimacy and connection can be felt.
The greatest risk we put on ourselves and each other is protection. Then we would never have to show our true self and go under the radar for our lives, then we would never have to take responsibility to reflect our truth and Light, then this whole world would be a bubble that is boiling with tension waiting to erupt. I appreciate this honesty to really review about life and relationships, have we truly appreciated their power?
There is never a moment of stagnation in true relationship and I have come very unstuck in the past when opting for comfy status quo. The fresh opportunities in every moment are one of life’s many blessing and it is up to us to be open to learn and deepen.
I find that the comfort sometimes creeps in when things are going so amazing—not the world’s picture of amazing, but the deepening is constant. But nothing is ever too much if the purpose is love.
There are many ideals and beliefs that we hold that do not support what true relationship is and one of them is living in comfort of what feels safe eg. living in fear of rocking the boat, keeping the peace, holding onto a pretty and ‘good’ picture, holding onto financial security etc but it is exactly this that caps and prevents our growth and expansion in relationships. It is healthy and great medicine when what is being presented is explored, expressed and seen for what it is.
So so gorgeous to read Adele, the baring of oneself to another, warts and all, allowing the vulnerability to take you both to a place of deep true love and acceptance of the equality of being man and woman.
The foundation that you are describing is a relationship with ourselves as human beings, with our body. Everyone can nurture on this relationship, in fact, it is crucial to develop in any relationship with others.
I agree Adele. I was speaking with a young person about this today. So often we can get lost in our relationships and forget about the one with ourself!!!! Whereas both you and Richard share here, the relationship with ourself is the FOUNDATION for all our other relationships. So important yet globally we are not currently taught this or understand this to be the case …. yet!
It’s true Vicky, the way towards this re-learning starts with our body. How we communicate and care for it, it will take time, lots of mistakes, but it is well worth the steps.
If all relationships were this real imagine what the abuse statistics would be. The honesty and point of communication that you are willing to go to is deeply inspiring Adele.
We would only find out if we lived this experiment. And there will be time of recorrection but it is worth it in the long run.
Valentines day should be a culmination of the love experienced every day for the last year, not a day of love within a year of resentment and abuse.
If we see Valentine’s Day as the point where we go to the next level of love, are we willing to go deeper with each other? To be even more real and raw and honest? Big yes!
Gorgeous– when we reflect on valentine’s day we can feel that we have way too much pressure and effort on one day, lacking love in all the others. Now that to me cannot be a true day of celebrating love!
I celebrate Valentine’s Day—can’t but celebrate on that day too—as how could love not celebrate itself every day of the year? True celebration can never be bound by a picture.
We have so many pictures on what love is. So much that what we think love is, is much more of a need that love.
It is an inspiring process to unpack these ideals and pictures for we really just want to be love and be loved.
Arguments in relationships have been so normalised that we think it is unhealthy to not have them – but what is not made normal is actually working through issues, not standing for abuse or raised voices or hurtful comments, but truly being open and working on whats going on or why something hurt us – that is just as important if not more important to the ‘good’ bits, because without this as a strong foundation the relationship is nothing more than highs made high because of how low the lows are.
The willingness to truly express is more precious than not expressing any day. In the beginning there is bound to be more drama to get anywhere with honest communication, this is not to be feared especially when we can always check on our own commitment and purpose to our every expression.
Yes, Adele, relationships are a commitment to evolution rather than a picture of sailing off into the sunset together or a happy ever after, because we are responsible for expanding the whole universe with greater love and truth.
Why would we need a happily ever after if every moment is already full and complete? This ideal exposes a lot on how we choose to live our every day life. That which we have full power to choose again too.
Indeed Gill. Why should we save the depth of love we have for another for just one day? These moments are there to be shared everyday, and the more they are shared the more our love can deepen.
When we don’t need someone to change or be a certain way everything changes for we offer another the space and grace to be who they are and where they are at and to find their own way in their own time without any pressure or imposition. This is true beholding unconditional love.
There is a belief in the world that couple relationships have to happen where two people have to be similar or the same for a relationship to happen. So if this picture is not met, then couples try to mould/force each other to be in the picture that they want. This also happens in the ideals of family etc. But what we have missed then is this picture has completely barred us from feeling love and how to truly love in a relationship, which happens with space and not imposition.
To receive an expression of love from the body i.e. a body that lives, breathes it’s own love [aka self-love] is one of the most precious gifts to receive from a person; accepting this is graciously true love.
The most beautiful thing is love can never be rejected or feel hurt, so it just keeps reflecting and emanating, so even if love is not received the first time or a hundredth time, it still allows another the space and beholding.
It’s crazy isn’t it? The word love is so bastardized that when we truly live love, it’s so unfamiliar and often gets rejected. Until our body knows this love through our love for ourselves, we wouldn’t register this Truth.
Connection is really just natural. It shouldn’t be any effort or thought to be special. Otherwise it feels fake.
Yes, adoration, attachment, fear of loss and many other such emotions are not love.
A day like Valentine’s day can bring up things more strongly than other days because the contrast between what we are actually living and what we are expecting can be particularly strong. This is an opportunity to deal with this gap.
Awesome, and what an opportunity is Valentine’s Day to truly be honest and live the truth we know within. It is a day to test how strong our foundation is within and whether we can live in the world without being swayed by it.
The ability to bare your soul, so to speak, to another is so crucial in our relationships, the moments where we drop our protection and bare all our warts and everything are magic – that’s where real relationships begin.
I agree Meg this is truly making it about Love and not afraid to be who we are with another.
It’s beautiful that way especially when we bare our expression with one, we can’t but be the same with everyone. This inspires me every single day, the intimacy that is really natural.
When we are prepared to let go of the ideals and pictures about Love, the real McCoy is left to emerge in all its naked beauty, vulnerability and tenderness.
Ideals and pictures are presented in rather a romantic soft glow but when you feel into them, they are nothing but energetic bullies, designed with the sole intention of knocking us off track. Buyer beware.
I’m aware of this softness in advertising. It feels yuck. I want to react to it but then realize it’s emptiness seeking to be recognized. Breathing gently, it’s dearly clear to me that without the truth of love, this world is already lost.
Yes when we drop our pictures and allow the true unfolding from the heart, what we are blessed with is far more glorious than we have ever imagined.
We’re here to reflect love every day and if we think that we’re only managing to reflect it on certain days, then it’s a sure sign that it’s not love that we’re reflecting.
Ha, busting the arrogance of human beings.
This is such an inspirational sharing of the unpacking of those obstacles in the way of living a loving relationship. And what a ‘perfect’ day to be doing so when all the commercially driven messages around you were trying to cover up what you were in fact uncovering and that was, the truth of a loving relationship. You certainly knocked down some walls of illusion in your commitment to the truth.
No consciousness is too deep to arise from when love in our body is guide.
If we feel in full and stay connected to our true selves, there’s nothing that comes our way that is bad or too much to take – just more information about the gaps and hurts we are here to evolve from.
Correct, nothing is ever too much. It’s just another opportunity to look at our hurts, return deeper to love, not hold back in expressing. Super love it. Every moment is a relationship to evolution. Let’s go.
This is so true Gill, it makes sense that on these so-called special days there is often a feeling of deflation and being let down, and there would be because our pictures and expectations are often not met.
And also pictures themselves are empty to begin with, living up to something empty, can only perpetuate and magnify emptiness.
“At that point, I also felt the deep touch of my partner who bared his vulnerability and threw away his protection to tell me how he was feeling.” – gorgeously raw and gorgeously inspiring of your partner. When we do away with the grit of protection always are we left with a pearl.
Protection is what hurts us the most in any relationship.
Yet all along we are craving the openess that we can allow when we let this protection go!
There are so many raw moments every day and every time it is another opportunity to deepen our shining love a bit more. To surrender to rawness is to come out more true.
Very true, it can feel uncomfortable at times but in the surrender you are deeply held in love and great things can happen.
Sometimes the best way for change to happen is to step aside and accept people as they are.
Space can do wonders. But the Expression to cut what is not true is gold to leave this space in reverberation of Truth.
To accept self and others with all our imperfections and no expectations is love in activity.
Kehinde I felt such expansion in reading your words. Very beautiful to feel, thank you.
Yes that’s the only way to a relationship. With love.
We do need to know that true relationships need work and lots of it if they are to become true, strong and non-negotiable as many relationships today break down at the drop of a hat it seems, for the partied involved don’t appear willing to put in the time and effort.
Yes lots of work is needed to build a strong relationship with ourselves first and with each other always. This so called work is never ending but it is deeply enjoyable, because in every occasion no matter how difficult we are always given the opportunity to come out deeper in love.
If a card comes not only with words but the Livingness of words then it would be precious..
One of the reasons why most of us can’t use disagreements to go deeper with one another is because our disagreements instantly turn into competitions. Both parties are looking to be right and to win the argument, whilst at the same time abdicating ourselves of blame. What happens is that we are completely unable to be open to what the other person is either saying or feeling because we are so consumed with getting our point across and avoiding taking responsibility for any part in whatever it is that we are wrangling about.
How I see arguments is an opportunity to open myself more to the other’s point of view. This is understanding. Seeing something I might not be familiar with but being open to understand it because in love, we always want to know more about the other person. Also feeling beyond what words we say. An expression of hurt can be masking the need to be appreciated etc. no matter what got in the way to understand, to read, to always come back to love. So in arguments the gold that is there is always humility.
This blog blows apart what true intimacy in relationship is and the trade off that can be settled for. Relationships are often about giving in for peace, undermining self or the other to ease the tension or just so we can retreat further back into an isolated world of resentment and regret. What a gift to hold movements in love whilst continuing to unravel the hurts that threat to keep those involved stuck. Thank you for sharing Adele – this blog is life changing.
It would be dishonest to dress in the pictures of intimacy but feel empty inside, this is really too much to bear—for our bodies know true intimacy and refuse to be lied to.
There is no authority on Earth as the absolute authority of Love.
There is a huge difference between honestly investigating the gunk that is there and venting pure emotionality when we share. Whichever way we go, we’ll all come back to Love in the end, but why not go directly there and remember that the stuff that comes up is not the real us?
Easier said than done sometimes and yet it’s all a choice. The first requires deep honesty with ourselves and the expression of that, and honesty is the entrance to any true intimacy.
I love the title and how it questions many people’s pictures of what love looks like. Instead there’s an honesty, a transparency and level of vulnerability you and your partner choose to go to that supports a foundation for us all. For me reading this I’m feeling where what is true in a relationship – discarding what does not belong like beliefs and ideals, and embracing what is by really being open – and going there.
This opens the door for me on getting messy if needed and dropping the facade to showing what’s beneath. And what’s beneath the layers is worth allowing out.
What I find truly precious is, even if the other person does not choose to go there immediately, the commitment we can show in such a situation is how much we don’t give up in expressing ourselves in full without protection.
Adele it’s the ‘without protection’ that is the hardest part and also the key. Most of us move through life like fencers, face guard down and sabre held out in front of us, ever ready to defend and attack.
Perhaps Alexis. And every time when I run into such protection, I would cry from feeling it’s vulverability. If we do not let each know how such protection we have made to be normal is really impacting/hurting us, it may never change..
I think this is totally awesome and smashes all those sickly unrealistic pictures we are constantly feed about how love ‘should’ be it’s so damaging to real life relationships and how they can be deepened.,
The true damage is the perfect picture of how a relationship should be. The damage comes from not living the truth of how our life and relatuonships are governed by cycles, which is never a stagnant picture or cardboard cut out of how the people in it should look like.
It feels like true intimacy is put to the test when we come across a different point of view or a little hump in the way…do we retract and shut down in protection or do we dare to keep showing all of who we are and give it our all in staying open, meeting the other, bringing understanding and working together to the one unified truth.
Carolien, I love the fact that you have used the word ‘true’ in conjunction with the word intimacy because most of us believe that disagreements bar us from intimacy but as Adele has shown, by sticking with a commitment to go deeper and by not going into reaction, then we are able to go deeper into true intimacy.
The gold is when there are different view points or patterns between people. How can we still express ourselves and be with the other? Melting protection comes for me from always feeling the underlying foundation between us, the commonality that we are equal.
Arguments expose the truth that we are united when felt deeper, as who really enjoys to be separated—it is unnatural and it hurts, so how do we express in arguments to return to this truth?
This is beautiful, Adele – “We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.” When we have no outcome or investment, a space opens up in relationship for the truth to emerge and expand.
That is really key in all relationships to remain open and connected to yourself and the other. We so quickly go into protection and hardness at any sign of rejection that the simple act of keeping your body open as Adele shares of uncrossed arms or legs.
Imagine the abundance of truth, honesty and Love in the world if we all had this no nonsense approach to love, sure there may be bumpy rides at times but the end result would be amazing.
I really love the dedication you have shown here to work things through, to not give up, and to see what happens on the other side of your difficult yet deeply honest conversations. It is testament to your commitment to learning about love.
The dedication is back to expressing truth. Intimacy between people and in ourselves is natural. Relationships are our good medicine.
There are always deeper layers of honesty and truth to be felt in a relationship, and letting go of having to right yet holding to our felt truth opens up the space for acceptance and respect of each other. What a journey of discovery of the deeper parts of ourselves and the other this can be. Your blog is so helpful for us all Adele, for we are all in relationships of some sort. It does not have to be with your partner or on Valentine’s Day to express love in this way, it is everywhere with everyone all the time.
Relationship in harmony is the foundation to all of life. And to get to this harmony requires our openness and rawness and to face all that is not disharmonious with love and respect.
Expression is everything and when you openly express like you and your partner Adele this would be the most wondrous gift no matter what the day.
It is Greg. Expressing back to love itself together, beats the greatest present and celebration any day.
We have made love about all the good stuff and the nice moments, but it is only pictures we try to fulfil, if the love does not come from a love filled body.
Love in the Chinese culture is about eating food and sharing lots of food together. When we want to express love to each other, we eat. In truth, we have chosen comfort and numbing out of awareness as a form of happiness in exchange to true and everlasting stillness and joy.
A great, honest story here that offers me and others a great opportunity – it doesn’t just have to be about shouting, slamming doors and giving the silent treatment. It’s as if every argument can have its own purpose.
An argument just like love can have its own pictures. But what if we dropped those too and feel the purpose of each and every expression?
beautiful, if we drop the picture of what an argument is we can embrace the opportunity for mutual growth and expansion.
Adele, it is beautiful and inspiring how you stayed open and warm in this situation with your partner. I can feel that in arguments it is often the case that we are cold with each other, righteous and defensive with our bodies – such as crossing our arms and turning away; ‘Whenever I felt like protecting myself and wanting to cross my legs, I opened them again. I made sure I felt warm. I did not shout but my tone and manner was firm. I looked my partner in the eye. I sat beside him.’
True Rebecca. Letting go of pictures and committing back to our movements is deeply worthwhile.
We communicate with our bodies far more than we do with our words.
True. This is a interpersonal relationship course that a school can teach one day. Don’t just hear the words, observe and feel what communication is.
This blog pulls the curtain on untrue pictures of love and romance, it delivers us to a place of raw and uncut honesty, for intimacy is not fluffy and chocolate box, it is this absolute dedication to baring ourselves and seeding forth the evolutionary power of vulnerability.
“It was Valentine’s Day yesterday. In the eyes of the world, it may be considered that I have had the worst day of my life. I had a disagreement with my partner which lasted for six hours” – clearly from your post Adele this was the best ever Valentine’s Day and of your life too because of the absolute richness of heart that occurred for both of you during those hours, and past to set a new platform in relating. Just beautiful.
So true Zofia, real, honest and heart felt, a day to remember for the correct reasons, because it was dedicated to love, honesty and intimacy, truly getting to know, appreciated and love each other even more and unhindered by any pictures of how this day in particular should be lived.
I almost feel this blog could be made into a movie, but is mankind ready for such a movie, a movie that portrays true love and not the Hollywood version of it.
Yes I agree it would be a really awesome movie ✨offering the viewer an honesty and reflecting it is possible to change how we are in relationships with ourselves and others.
That one day Kev would have to be seeded now without delay and watered with lots of love, no matter when that day is.
Kev i doubt that as otherwise would we not already have that? On the other hand I think most of humanity are knowinly fed up with the hollywood version of most of life.
I agree with the feeling fed up so more and more unbelievable things are coming up and yet it’s not new as it is in the same energy that no matter how different it may look, it is all the same energy.
But the tension is escalating. We know it is not true.
Truth is ever so needed, everyday more than yesterday.
To me it is already extraordinary that the disagreement was only for 6 hours. In many people’s lives disagreement is for lifetimes as there is no willingness to get off their high horse but more so no willingness to surrender to the unavoidable, to open up to the vulnerability within.
After reading this blog I can get a sense of the activity that is behind any disagreement we have in relationships. They are actually moments in life where we as individuals are asked to become more connected to one another, more as one and to let go the individuality and held ideals and beliefs but also held hurts around that what is in front of us to surrender to.
It has allowed me Nico to let go of the pictures on arguments and confrontations, committed to working through them and seeing the light of the situation. Arguments no longer intimidate when we see their purpose back to love, in fact, all of Life has this purpose—to deepen our love with ourselves and each other.
And yet I am finding when we know in our body, the expression of it is a confirmation that is also true gold.
This is true love—what many have been seeking all their lives. To be met and to meet each other in full, but how to we get there? Yes by feeling the beholding of another and others.
I was pondering the same yesterday when walking around the city and seeing so many beauty billboards. If the love of these women in the advertising is not lived, then the outward beauty and well being coming from their physicality, photo retouching and Beauty procedures mean little. Our world is being dominated by emptiness (the mismatch of our inner and outer) and hence, to feel our worth, even if only one person is willing to honestly say this is what is real, then our whole industry and world gets to feel this possibility and the pull to go deeper, albeit the necessity to be more raw and real.
Given the choice of a candlelit dinner and presents on Valentines Day but with no truthful communication, or six hours of difficult but none the less truthful communication, then for me there is no decision to be made, the latter wins hands down.
So true Alexis building a relationship over 6 hours has much going for it as it touches the true heart.
Once we make the commitment to be love we can then deal with everything that is not love in our life, which can be quite a volatile period, and in the process love becomes more and more consistent and natural.
An amazing process of honesty that is deeply worthwhile. As every choice to love is impacting not only ourselves but all of the world.
I love the rawness and honesty presented here and that you allowed each other the space to feel the tension and the disruption and to really go there and look at how are you in those moments. Do you want to run away, or do you want to actually feel it all.
I agree Hannah, the pressure to be seen as ‘getting on’ with our partners and of having ‘great relationships’ can lead to us not addressing the deep issues that so many of us have within our relationships. We’re so used to ‘putting on a face’ not only with others but with ourselves, that we have totally lost sight of the truth.
Being raw and real is actually who we truly are. The level of love we then connect to is calling us to be all of us including all the in our eyes imperfections. These imperfections will be simply exposed as not being us and from there allow more of who we truly are to surface.
Being raw and real is how relatuonships will be—so are we really having relatuonships or something else?
“I observed myself” – We can learn a lot from self reflection and review!
The greatest fun and learning there is.
There are so many great lessons here for us all. To not get sucked in by the pictures about romantic love and feel what love actually is through your body. To stay committed to the process no matter what. To be vulnerable and honest and allow who you are to be seen, which may not be the norm for your gender. Very inspiring – thank you for sharing a real ‘love story’.
When we fully express ourselves as we are, how we feel with no holding back what is needed to be said, the quality in our movements changes as we do it so too in the evolving communication that is available with our presence. This is love.
What we hate/fear most in relationship – to let down the protection and guard – is this the way to make the relationship all that we long for in a relationship. Hence we need to step over our shadow to not stay caught in the shadow but step into the light and love we naturally are and like to share with another.
Yes, and remain open and not misunderstand what the other is doing, or expressing, or feeling.
This is one of the most fun parts—the consistent practice of seeing/hearing but first confirmed by feeling and making our own choice of what to believe, Truth or lies? And communicating with each other in no lesser than Truth.
Is that really so? I find such occasions natural. How can we really get close to each other with all the protection we adorn, I feel it with most people, an instant of hurt felt and let go and more importantly to instantly feel the call of responsibility to go deeper, be even more intimate with myself and express even more in connection with the other..
Your super inspiring Adele. Thank you for all you have to willingly shared along the way.
I love the honesty of this blog Adele, how you are not conforming to the way society has developed a certain way on how to express your love and for it to have all these pictures on how it needs to be. That actually if we are Love in every moment no matter what is going on then and remain open to each other there is a natural evolution that takes place.
It is super inspiring to observe relationships where there is no falsity, no silent agreements or settling in comfort but rather a continuous pulling up to be more. We need more relationships like this in the world, to reflect our evolutionary power when we unite and commit to bringing our all.
The amazing thing is there is only one way to relationship. If this s the way with our partner, it would be the same way with our children, our colleagues, our friends etc, because we are this honest first with ourselves.
The pictures of valentine’s day are just not real, yeah sure we can recreate them but they’ll never sustain us, sometimes there’s really tough things we go through in relationships and they can actually help provide us a new platform of love to stand on.
All I ever wanted was a foundation that felt real and solid in the world that kept offering us many promises and pictures that felt empty and with no substance. Can’t wait for the world to show me, but choose to live everything that I want the world to be.
You can wait forever for the world to give you what you want …. or…. we can take steps today to start to ensure that our life is built on the love that we always wanted.
Ah yes true love is very touching.
“We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.” Real love in action, the ability, willingness and commitment to go there and expose our most protected aspects of our selves so that there are no hidden agendas, vested interests or undeclared needs, a real Valentine Day’s present.
It is amazing to read: “We did not have any sweet words or gestures. We went to bed separately, but the fullness and equality I felt within myself gave me the deepest sleep. When my partner and I woke up in the morning, we naturally cuddled together, now ever more in understanding and love for each other.” Your story shows so well that when our love of one another and commitment to truth and understanding in our relationship is the foundation, there is a bond stronger than any disagreement and in fact such moments become an opportunity to deepen and expand.
I totally agree, Golnaz, and in those moments we get the reflection that love does not stand still, it is forever deepening and expanding and if we rest (stop) in comfort and not deepen and expand ourselves, then we experience tension and the possibility of conflict.
A very gorgeous call to deepen our relationships with a love that does not compromise or needs to be measured, a love that resides within us all and calls us to live its absoluteness. When we commit to explore living, expressing and sharing this love with ourselves and another, everyday is an awe-inspiring unfolding that can only be reduced by the consciousness of ‘ Valentines Day’ and other such obligations or impositions.
Deepening our relationships, our honesty, our expression, our rawness…is the deepening back to the love that we are.
We are not used to expressing love that holds another to be all of who they are – we often associate love with abuse, letting people be and do whatever with no consequences. But true love works through issues rather than leaving them unresolved, true love has the difficult and honest conversations so the relationship can grow.
Love in Truth can’t be just for one person. The honesty and extent we would go to love with one person (ourselves) will be the commitment we deepen love with all others.
A lovely sharing Adele, both your commitment to stay open, to show all of who we are to the best of our ability and to not walk away when things get a little difficult.
Picture perfect and images are the greatest enemy of finding true love. There is no picture attached to it, it is a way of being that can only be instigated from our bodies.
Valentine’s Day is not what governs the love we can express and in what way it is needed to be expressed in a certain moment. If you look at it we have actually settled for so much less with just having a Valentine’s Day to express our love as this should just be a normal every day thing including dealing with issues and so on.
Great questions Jane. And the obvious answer comes from how every single one of us have felt after each Valentine’s Day—whether we have indulged or rejected it. But to be in this consciousness, how has it served our relationships day to day? Especially the first relationship with ourselves? Are we more joyful? Have more vitality? Less sickness? More committed to life?
This blog challenges so many ideals and beliefs and what I find so inspiring is that through the commitment you and your partner had to lovingly work through the issues, a new foundation was laid that will give you both the opportunity to take your love and relationship even deeper.
That is the true nourishment of any relationship, the good medicine we nourish ourselves and each other with.
It is the greatest support to hold another with love, knowing who they truly are and never accepting anything less.
“not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed” The simple action of sharing in total honesty what you were both feeling offered the alchemy of change.
Adele, this is a beautiful sharing. I love how you and your partner are so open and honest with each other and how you have shared this with everyone to be inspired by.
I love your commitment to get to the heart of the matter of the disagreement, for what better way to find true love by not leaving any stone unturned. Too many of us gloss over such moments to arrive at some sort of peace but what happens in that case to the unresolved energy? It doesn’t magically disappear over time.
When we fill, sand and paint the cracks of our relationships, they may look good to the others and fool us, but without finding the cause of these cracks, they will return!
What’s great about this blog is that it shows that keeping the peace and playing nice does not grow a relationship and sometimes a lot can come from a tension or disagreement that is honestly discussed.
I’m sure many would say “I had the worst day of my life” on Valentines day if they had experienced a 6 hour argument. However what you highlight is that the pictures we hold, the expectations and the heightened ideals that this ‘special day’ conjures up are not what define a loving relationship, where evolution back to true love is the focus.
“It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other” – and in return it sounds like the greatest love to expand deeper into as a result. Beautiful to build a relationship this way showing that love is never static, there are always grander moments on the horizon (s) for us to enjoy.
Yes so beautifully said Zofia – when love is the commitment in our relationships there is always a greater depth to be explored as such the richness and freshness never wanes.
And this is what relationship is truly about – bringing the love and transparency – and growing together.
Yes and with a true marker of what may be sold to us to keep the illusion that all is fine and well when we know deep inside this is not bringing the love we know we truly are.
Truth is love can never be held back or compartmentalized to a day or certain days, and yet these pictures of expressing love in one day of the year takes away the responsibility of truly loving and reduces love to such a meager of itself, it is saddening to see how much we have compromised ourselves, to a fraction of the awareness that we are. But we can always start living the love that we know in our bodies again.
‘Rawness and realness’ places few of us are willing to go. Adele shows that with commitment and steadfastness and if relationships are to deepen, it’s the only place to go.
Sharing our vulnerabilities is rare in relationships. To go there and come out the other side stronger as you both did is testament to the depth of love you have for each other.
It seems very fitting that this happened on Valentines Day when much of the world is measuring their relationship or lack of to an ideal. I know many people make an effort just for one day and try to pull off an amazing day with a partner, only to go back to an accepted relationship that suffices. Having a relationship where both partners are willing to look at what’s going on, what’s getting in the way and be so honest whilst staying connected is very inspiring. I’ve been around couples considered successful – because they have remained together – but the lies told to keep the peace have been daily. For me, full transparency allows people to be themselves and be intimate.
Absolutely Karin. Although love can never be celebrated on just one day it was so apt to have experienced this on the day where the world is upholding the ideal of love to the max. The Truth needs to be shared especially in this day as well as any other day.
So moving to read: “We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.” How gorgeous to honour ourself and one another in this way.
This is indeed a very beautiful statement and a beautiful level of honesty and opennness that is very inspiring to read about.
Love cannot be found simply in a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers. It is our commitment to holding true to a divine and delicate quality within us regardless of what is occurring around and about. And so you bring us a superb example of how Love never gives up even when the terrain is getting tricky and that when adhered to with such commitment, delivers everyone to a deeper level of awareness, appreciation, honesty and joy. Not having a picture as to how love should look is a core ingredient in all relationships.
Love just loves, indeed it never ever gives up. In love all there is sight for is where it can keep loving, how does the Expression feel like love again? It doesn’t matter if it does not feel loving, in fact, be aware of that and the natural direction is to keep expressing until love is felt again.
By staying committed “to get to the heart of the matter” you gave each the truest gift of love possible to each other on any day and consequently most appropriate for Valentine’s Day.
You are busting so many ideals and beliefs in this, it is so refreshing to read your transparent and honest account of Valentine’s Day.
I really don’t know anything about who St Valentine was and if there is anything true about the day named after him orif it has anything to do with love at all but from now on I am going to view it in a very different way than what it is supposed to represent. You bring a truth and honesty to an otherwise commercial day where the sales of roses, cards and chocolates go through the roof.
In the past I would have never put the words authority – open and love together as I thought the word authority meant intimidating another, control, overbearing and forceful. I now know the truth in true authority as I felt this in my body the other day and with it felt an openness, equalness and love in my heart for all around me. True authority is a power that emanates from within us, it is not holding back who we are but bringing and being all the love that we are. ‘Qualities like being naturally in authority and expressive, having the ability to feel deeply and the ease in communicating these feelings’. I love all that you have shared here, this is something that can be read and re-read again and again and again always allowing the reader to reflect on something.
Thank you Vicky for living the truth of words from your body and not just blindly following or reacting to the so many bastardized versions of words we have accepted as normal.
Love is not for one day, not even for one life. Love belongs to the Stars ☺️
Michael, I wonder how many of us feel this is true? Probably most of us. Yet very few make it a living reality and so we all have access to the stars and this is a great reminder to make them part of our everyday lives.
And within each and everyone of us.
Allowing ourselves to be okay with being completely vulnerable and transparent and feeling the uncomfortable feelings, the awkwardness, all the feelings we’d rather not feel or admit to ourselves, let alone to others. All of this is what builds trust and intimacy with ourselves and others, and deepens our relationships. Love your commitment to be loving with yourselves first, as the foundational quality with which to express that to each other.
What an amazing present you gave yourself and your partner on Valentine’s Day something that is worth cherishing.
‘We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.’ What a beautiful foundation and way forward in being who you are.
´My movements also testified that no matter what, through thick and thin, I will always be by our side.‘
That is the best foundation to have, whilst talking through challenging topics with your partner. To actually manipulatively play with threatening of leaving the relationship underneath the skin is pure poison and a way to control the outcome of a situation. In communicating love and commitment to the relationship no matter what, the other gets space offered to express freely with no anxiousness or pressure. Very inspiring.
Different times call for different actions in any relationship, and it’s so important to honour that there are moments where intimacy and closeness confirms the love that’s there with a friend or partner, and also times where something needs to be expressed and called out to take it to the next level. Entertaining ‘Should’s’ or ‘Shouldn’t’s are detrimental to this.
‘…And I observed my partner’s movements changing from frustration to patience.’ This is a beautiful observation of what holding another in love can bring.
Bring it on. Evolution and evolution.
Such a beautiful and honest sharing Adele. Getting real in relationships is what it is all about.
Adele, this feels really inspiring to read, I love your commitment to truth and not just settling for the ‘norm’, but making your relationship about honesty and true love.
You very aptly describe here what being nice is, it does not allow us to breathe nor to heal, it only covers what we are not willing to address and deal with.
I love when there is honesty and a steadfastness in our expression things are already moving as you so beautifully say: “We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.”
What you share Adele illustrates how it’s not the disagreements that kill us but the suppressing that hurts. If there’s an honest disagreement – it can be worked through but feelings held back are poisonous to truth.
‘If there’s an honest disagreement – it can be worked through but feelings held back are poisonous to truth’. I love your use of ‘honest disagreement’ which is purposeful, not for ‘I alone but works to service humanity.’
Holding back suffocates and poisons and the explosion of what has to be expressed sometimes comes from a pattern of holding back due of the false pictures we have accepted of what love is, but these pictures can never be true. The body is just thirsting to express back in Truth and it would do anything to go there.
I love your sharing here, Adele – ‘the truth is, we know the both of us are more than how we have chosen to live.’ Your commitment to ‘baring all’ offers the opportunity for constant learning about yourselves and each other, and a truly evolutionary relationship.
A true relationship always wants to bring out the best in another.
Yes, Adele has shared a powerful example of a truly evolutionary relationship that is a reflection for us all.
A beautiful and real sharing of the understanding and true purpose of relationships and the evolution they are constantly here to show us and allow us to live in our day to day connections so clearly and relatable to and a real inspiration to see by your day so different to a typical picture of valentines day classically portrayed to be.
Without the rawness, the willingness to go there together, the smiles portrayed outwardly lack a foundation. Love is never just show, it emanates.
That is huge Richard… how committed are we to getting to the bottom of things and can we do that with a steady hand, knowing there is always more to see, always more growth?
Just breaking pictures apart and showing something raw and real is a great service to us all Adele – very much appreciate coming across this blog this morning.
How many people in this world choose playing nice instead of being real with each other? There is this fear of losing or rejection that prevent us to express truth. And with that there is a denying of who we really are. I can understand why we need such an amount of distractions after compromising ourselves to fill other’s expectations and needs in the name of love.
When Truth is the purpose, what is gained is much more than my mind can ever imagine.
Love the realness of your sharing Adele. The way in how you hold each other and yourself in such a situation is very inspiring. Truth is the best gift we can receive and offer as we can heal, let go old stuff and connect deeper with the greateness that lies within all of us. In the eyes of the world you may have had the worst day of your life but actually was a very honouring, loving and honest way of being with your partner. Without need of gifts and flowers you shared something very unique and precious, thank you
The coolest thing is there is really just one relationship and that affects all our relationships across the board—the relationship we have with ourselves is the first and foremost instigator to every other relationship in life.
Yes, so true Adele our relationship with ourselves not only impacts all our relationships with others but also our environment and the space we have around us.
It makes sense Richard, when we have a true foundation of love, nothing can rock that foundation and nothing can affect it no matter what has been thrown at it.
Beautiful sharing of how we can work together and grow, allowing each other space to return to love.
Adele this Valentine’s Day you write of has laid strong and solid foundations for the rest of your life to be living from truth. Deeply inspiring, thank you.
There is something very sweet and precious about allowing yourself to feel loved without it being all image-perfect. That love can be found in the depths of us at our most vulnerable points, is testament to how truly great we are as people.
I agree Shami, Love can always be felt whether it is super imperfect or not, that is never to be discounted and in fact needs to be deeply appreciated to honor what the body knows so true.
“That the truth is, we know the both of us are more than how we have chosen to live. So we got to feel what that was like.” So gutsy, so courageous. How many of us deep down know this truth, that we are more than we have chosen to live, but so many of us don’t allow ourselves to feel that. A key reason why we are so ‘busy’ me thinks.
Love knows and has no pictures or any emotions in it- it just is. Everything on earth that sells “Love”, which is a reduced/ false version- is a way of easing the pain we feel from the separation from the true version. Someone who sincerely loves knows that Valentine day is not needed and actually ridiculous.
I love relationships that are real, that don´t avoid expressing the truth and exposing each others stuff, no matter what- not following any picture. A “professional” relationship leads nowhere than comfort. For me, the true purpose of a relationship failed, as relationship is nothing but comfort – only there to evolve and become more and more of who you truly are.
Protection is a no no in relationships. Whenever I feel protection even with those I don’t know, I am learning to let that go because I know that protection will directly affect how I am and in turn my partner.
I agree with you Joshua, and any form of protection is a killer for relationships. When I detect protection from people I meet, I no longer take it personally but learning to read and understand why it is present. And, when I am in protection, I know this means there is an old hurt I have not healed and let go which is getting in the way of me being loving.
As we are in relationship with everyone we meet any protection has a negative impact on all of our relationships, also the one with ourselves.
Whilst love can be a beautiful gesture, in truth it is not the flowers or card or present it is the quality of what they express. Love is all encompassing part of life, it is how we cook dinner and make our beds and go through every day, not just one day.
Thank you Adele – the power and expansion of your words are palpable – when we express all that we are we let go of all the boundaries that we build and then employ to protect ourselves – and what are we truly protecting ourselves from when in truth we come from heaven?
“as a culture/gender we hold back our power and the truth of who we are” – This is so true. It’s very common for both women and men to treat themselves in a particular way or put limitations on what they can and cannot say, wear, express, be like or do based on their ‘identity’ e.g. their race, gender, age, rather than just being the true them.
What I enjoy about this blog is how it makes no one day more important than another, or put another way, how it makes each day equally important to express and deepen how to love each day.
When we actually consider and pay attention to how we are holding ourselves and moving our bodies, there’s a lot we can do to support ourselves physically to stay open and keep expressing, and not close ourselves off.
Thank you Adele and perfect timing for me, I am learning that a disagreement does not mean the end of the relationship but an opportunity to evolve, to discuss, to share, to be vulnerable. Not a stony silence but a silence of allowing each to come to their own realisation of what is important in the relationship and take it deeper as far as each is willing.
Raw, real and ready to surrender to what there is to embody, learn and expand on, this is where the richness of life lies rather than trying to control life and make it so called picture perfect.
So inspiring to read how you ditched the niceness and the holding back but how in the way you moved you communicated clearly that you were holding your partner in love and in your shared commitment to work through your issues you felt the equality in your relationship and the willingness to go there whatever it takes.
There’s always a way to deliver a strong message without persecution or investment in the outcome.
Brilliantly written Adele and we could actually say this about any relationship allowing the space for relationships to deepen and grow and not be stifled and wither.
Thank you for sharing Adele. Many of us in our relationships are so scared to rock the boat with some truths because we have a picture that the other cannot handle it. But in this case, clearly, you both could and what a true valentines gift that was.
“I had a disagreement with my partner which lasted for six hours” – that from your post clearly completed in a richer, truer love by the end of those 6 hours of love (making). Disagreement being not a bad thing when it results in mutual understanding of what is not needing to be there in the relationship.
Love making is really not just what we think it is, it is so much richer and far more expansive as you have put it Zofia.
To let in and accept ‘…a man who has never wanted anything less from me’ is very, very beautiful. When we open ourselves up to the ‘what is possible’ that which may be seen on the outside as a miracle then becomes our normal way of living.
There is much that can surface between the genders but jumping in and dealing with what arises brings much healing. Being aware of the resistance and holding back is simply a choice to acknowledge and express or ignore, pretend and saying nothing.
Thank you Caroline. When getting to know someone I can see how cautious I can be which is a holding back. Your comment is inspiring me to move forward with my expression, gently and lovingly even if I don’t know what i am going to say but to express the feelings that are coming up – to give them space, to give us space.
The power of true love to transform, heal, and rebuild writ large in this blog.
Adele, we often forget that true relationships above all have honesty at the core. Rather than cover up cracks you kicked them open to feel what lay beneath for both of you. You both in love together stepped up for yourselves and each other and yet without expectation. Natalie Benhayon said recently don’t walk away from tensions, they offer us opportunities for to go deeper and expand and you did.
I agree Kehinde, in fact, I jump at the opportunities to express and express when tension is felt, just have to keep feeling them and not to falsely smooth them over.
How many of us are in relationships that just gloss over what is a shaky foundation and use the occasions such as birthdays and Valentines day to sort of spruce up the gloss without really ever touching on the underlying issues that stop us from fully connecting to the love we all are and are connected to. What you have shown here Adele is how to re-imprint that foundation making it solid and a place to launch true love from.
What you have described Kev as our normal in relationships is stuffing up any opportunity to love and not just because there is cake and chocolates.
“That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.” That should be a normal thing to do! Thank you Adele for sharing your experience with your partner as it showed how important it is to let go of all the pictures we have in our minds.
What is interesting is you felt your partner wanted nothing less from you and yet you had held back in your life in order to be accepted. This is such a common situation.
Oh yes! The holding back is a strong pattern that keeps love out. So no matter how someone wants to truly love me, there is a protection that keeps this love out — but not anymore.
If true communication and expression is there – debate and untangling lies is one of the greatest things we can do. But if we vent with the single intention to continue on in our selfishness the exchange is super poisonous and anti-truth.
Brilliant blog Adele, deeply honest and totally busting the images of false love and going to the core of true love.
Yesterday I got a shock to realise how much I chase pictures and how this isn’t living or love. Valentines Day is totally saturated by pictures but this is no less than daily life for most, it’s just not so consciously focused as on this day. Reading this is very inspiring. To me I feel a permission to really be honest about what’s going on between me and people in my life. It’s going on anyways and not being honest is a barrier to intimacy. So thank you for busting out from any pictures and being so transparent, showing me it’s ok and possible to air what’s there when consistently putting down the armour and being open.
Karin if a deeper intimacy with myself was not felt during the process I would have walked away, one that I was letting my armour down. That is truly precious and valuable.
This left me feel very uncomfortable in my body as I could feel the lies that I have been allowing in my relationships. I definitely have avoided going there, and instead used judgment and sympathy to justify where I landed.
Exposing our-self in front of anyone as you have Adele has to be a great exploration value of feeling what we hold within that is less than Love and therefore how we can expand in every relationship. So as our relationship developed with one it extends and expands in to every area of our lives!
I just loved reading this. Totally busting pictures of what love really is about: no wishy washy emotional stuff, just real deal truth and an absolute willingness to be committed to being open, and working stuff out, for however long it takes.
As ironic as it sounds, what you have shared sounds pretty good to me … because you went there. With love. You did not ignore, deny, bury, pretend, belittle and from this it feels your relationship and love for both yourselves and each other is not deeper and stronger. Very cool. Love that you shared this.
Love is not a ‘perfect picture’, because perfect pictures aren’t reality. Love can call us to be more which can sometimes be uncomfortable, love doesn’t allow abuse, which can mean that behaviours get called out, love asks us to be all of who we are and not hide behind hurts and protections and sometimes this can feel exposing, but at the end of the day, it is hugely loving to not accept less than who we are because we are worth loving in full.
Absolutely love what you wrote
There are so many expectations of what days like valentines day will mean and represent. Its brilliant Adele that you could go way beyond this sugar coated (or should I say chocolate coated) day and be super real and very loving with your partner. To me that is the essence of what our relationships are about. Supporting each other to evolve out of the caves in which we retreat within, so we don’t live who we all are.
Gutsy 6-hours and gutsy sharing this with us all. Hats off to you both. A cracker of an article about the reality of love and how it can be uncomfortable to ‘go there’ but you did and look at the miracles that happened. I loved this one particularly – ‘We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.’
Being nice to each other is highly rated, but in my experience is often just a mask for an underlying holding back. I choose truth over nice any day.
Me too Heather, although it is worth clarifying that choosing truth is Love, and that choosing nice can be a mask that feels anything but Love.
So many things are left unsaid in relationships and so much resentment and frustration is built up from lack of expressing how we feel so your blog Adele feels like a breath of fresh air and shows how if we are willing to give it a go and be honest then we feel much closer to and more deeply in love with ourselves and others.
Being open and willing to go there and expose the frustration and resentment with understanding instead of judgement is deeply healing.
Adele – this is glorious to read – love your commitment to stay with the communication and be in vulnerability as never before and clear away the emotional stuff lingering between your relationship. Very inspiring.
Stephanie the commitment to stay vulnerable and real in any relationship is a breath of fresh air. No niceness, just realness, intimacy and pulling each other up. Love is reimprinted.
Gorgeous Adele – thank you for sharing. I can see how a day like Valantine’s day means we mask whatever has been before it. We put aside our differences because we ‘should’ be happy and in love and celebrating. But what you present is 2 people who are truly working on themselves and their relationship and are prepared to go where it is uncomfortable with the knowing that that is true love.
What is true has to be felt, emanating from deep within. Pictures and gestures on their own may or may not be genuine expressions/presentations of love.
We so often opt for playing it nice and not bring anything up or address anything on so-called special days like these… yet with in that there is not an ounce of love and what are we really offering each other when we play this game? There is so much you have both offered the reader in sharing your experience. For me, it highlights getting off the roller coaster of up and downs of being nice and acceptable and then being real and open.
I find valentines days comes with so many expectations, images, and pictures of how couples should be. I finally let them go a few years ago and decided to no longer play the game. Why wait for one day of the year to express how much you love and care for each other?
There is such an ideal and perfect pictures of how a relationship and family should look, everything in harmony and happy, but how do we get here? It can certainly happen but the process comes from deep honesty and not ever withholding Expression even if it gets tricky, be love and be love no matter what, that is my understanding from experience.
If a day has to be “perfect” this does not happen with masking anything. It has to be prepared by every step we take in all the days before this day, to come to what we have lived, and the perfection also does not come in a picture given to us by the world, it is felt within the body and then shared with the world.
Exactly changing the way we view our relationships and making them about true love.
Awesomely real and honest Adele… I love that you have continued the not hiding yourself, by sharing this here with everyone.
To be free of pictures leaves us free to build true relationships… this is an appreciation of love that no amount of red roses can surpass.
I love it, Adele! Being transparent and open doesn’t necessarily mean sharing our issues, but it does mean daring to show our power, delicateness and all of you.
Great point Monika. Daring to bare our vulnerabilities will dare us to bare our power too, for ultimately it is the same honesty and transparency we have with ourselves.
To truly feel love in a time of ‘conflict’ and resolution is a great thing indeed. So many of us can learn a thing or two here from your experience, Adele.
Rachel I’m now understanding that obedience to evolve is really just natural. The face of calamity has a stillness that magnetizes.
I enjoyed reading your play on words about love Adele. There is nothing like feeling the truth in words — it is love.
The widespread bastardisation of words, including that on the word love, is exposed if we start living the truth of the words we all know from within us. Our whole body just wants to return to Truth by never holding back Living it when love is our choice.
“It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.”
A scenario where many couples would react, shut down or even walk out, its game changing Adele to feel how your shared commitment and dedication to work this through offered an opportunity for greater intimacy and in turn greater truth – for chocolates and roses only continue to feed the pictures, true evolution is peeling them back.
I ask myself constantly why would I never give up on going deeper in a relationship? Because it is so much more precious no matter what is faced along the way, then staying stagnant and feeding a picture that keeps me empty. No way Jose.
Apart from the obvious gorgeousness of your blog it is not surprising that stuff comes up on Valentine’s Day. A lot of people have all sorts of emotions on that day in relation to whether they have a partner or not or one that is so called loving or not and all that sort of thing. None of this has anything to do with true love which does not have one ounce of emotion in it.
Also the most gorgeous thing we can possibly share with our partners is to evolve together. Note that the word evolve has the word love in it – so it sounds like you had a very loving day.
It is true we had a loving day Nicola and it’s time the world see more reflections of what love really is.
This is a good confirmation showing how important our movements are. In my experience they are far more important these days than we realise.
Our body does not lie and it’s true that sometimes I get confused when just listening to words imparted by the mouth but seeing how another moves, there is no mistake.
Wow! Now that’s a Valentine’s Day to remember! So raw and true. No fluff and niceness. True power and love. Amazing. Thank you Adel.
Absolutely agree Rebecca true love has nothing to do with being polite and nice and everything to do with rawness and honesty.
Awesome. Thank you Adele. The commitment and responsibility that you have shown to yourselves and your relationship is inspiring and it is wonderful to feel what a Valentines day can be, a day of deepening and evolution.
Adele this is so inspiring to read and so confirming of those same qualities within us all which most of us are tentative about sharing with the world. Thank you.
I love the power that leaps off the page and invites us to join in.
Very powerful sharing, Adele. To not play nice or conform to the ideals of relationship is a testament to the strength of your love for one another in your willingness to both ‘go there’, to a deeper level of truth.
“That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.” A master piece in how to build relationships. This takes complete commitment to live and is not always plain sailing, but when we adhere to the principles of Love, to remain open, firm and steady, it empowers us to expose all the ‘no-go’ zones and get them out in the light so we can lovingly observe all the ugly bits and bring a deeper understanding to why we are allowing them to exist. What an awesome day!
YES! What an awesome day indeed Rowena. Wouldn’t want it any other way.
Absolutely gorgeous Adele, thank you. It is how we live that is the truth of love, not the ideals and beliefs of how love should be.
“Our imperfections lived have knocked down the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders.”
That is gorgeous. Rather than canoodling (and colluding!) in that comfort zone that doesn’t go into the places that stir up our issues you both went there. If you can’t go there with another then it’s not a relationship but an agreement “You don’t push my issues and I won’t push yours”. But when we do go there openly and honestly we can grow.
I agree Leigh—going deeper with myself is always an invite to go deeper with others when I don’t hold myself back and the acceptance of this feels like true relationship—when we give and we receive in full, ah, love is very full.
Adele this is so inspiring and refreshing to read, thankyou. Most relationships when you truly look around lack this level of depth, equality, respect and vulnerability. What you share is it is a choice to live with this first within ourselves and then with others.
Absolutely wonderful Adele. There were so many inspiring moments throughout what you have so honestly shared but the words that stood out for me were: “We received no niceness and gave none”. How often do we go into being nice when we want to solve a problem and not upset the other person? I have learnt that niceness simply digs us into a bigger hole. This is one blog I will be sharing, especially when Valentine’s Day rolls around again with all its distorted messages of what we have been lead to believe love is.
“It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other” – so beautiful I can really feel this Adele. What a raw and moving account of the reality of love in relating and relationship.. and one that led [you] back in to a deeper enriched love, thank you for sharing this here for our inspiration.
It sounds like what you will end up with is a relationship of truth and total transparency, what a beautiful foundation to experience what love is capable of and what love actually is.
It turns what we have come to think love is on its head yet expression in a relationship is everything; it is love in the true sense of the word. How can exposing that which is not love be not love? Exposing through expression can be uncomfortable and can bring up a reaction in us but how do we evolve if we are not being pulled up through the means of expressing how we feel?
It’s so important to let go of the pictures around love and feel it for ourselves because it may be like nothing we expected when we experience love in it’s true quality.
I can relatie to what you are sharing about feeling vulnareble about sharing confidence in expression and authority. You would say tenderness is hard to express for many women but true authority is for me more challenging. It is like showing all of me and that with that that all that I expressed before was holding back.
The ideals that have bound me of what a woman is has kept me small and quiet, as that was how I would be loved or so I thought. But when the love felt within my body no longer matched these pictures, I had to just go with it and these pictures I had bought into started to lose power. As the truth felt inside is much more real and powerful than the in-truth empty feeling of any image, even though it may be a picture accepted by many.
Thankyou for sharing the vulnerability you both experienced at that time. Sometimes we need to deconstruct before rebuilding – where we often refuse to go, preferring to paper over the cracks and have an arrangement instead of a true relationship. You now have a true core foundation for your love.
So true Sueq2012. The deconstruction is important and never fear to go there when we know that is it Truth we really would like to re-construct.
We fight so hard to maintain an appearance of harmony – but if we have no understanding, or connection, there’s no love so it’s all in vain. So much better to unmask the junk that isn’t true to get to be real and clear. After all that’s why we are all here.
What is harmony? It’s not a picture. It’s every day and every moment being up for life, feeling and expressing and even when vulnerable not holding back going there, appreciating, confirming, surrendering, being raw and feeling strength, to start all over again with smiles.
I love the way you’ve written this. I felt everything that you felt, and I can sense the vitality and power of that day. Your relationship has expanded, deepened and we are all blessed by it.
That is beautiful Regina and so natural too. Every choice to love goes to the whole world and received by the whole world. Love never holds back or leaves anyone behind.
True love has no rules on how to behave, how to move or what to say, we are only expected to be raw and real and in that the love that we are will take care of the rest.
Yes trusting that we will know what is needed in any moment and staying open to that communication is key.
Why can we put acceptance above the truth that we are and in that behaviour and choose to live a lie?
Stunning Adele, how you offered each other so much more than a gift or special dinner for Valentine’s Day. You made it about love and it being another day to expose what is not love and letting it go together.
Rebuilding a body of love is not always a pretty process, but it is a deeply exquisite one. Your sharing here Adele allows us, by virtue of that which you and your partner reflect through this experience, to also break free of the chains that bind us and let more of our true selves out in the world to be seen and shared with all. Thank you both.
Thank you, Liane. ‘Rebuilding a body of love is not always a pretty process’… letting go of pictures and control can feel raw and exposing but as has been shared, to actually have a foundation of love means the trajectory is out of this world.
Yes Liane the body is our temple to return to love and by each step to honor all its rawness, love gets to be felt more real, goodbye to the perfect pictures we set ourselves up with in life, and hello to honesty and eventually Truth.
Wow, such honesty, openness, sheer rawness even. And woven together with such delicacy, strength and power. I am floored and can only just tiptoe, ever so gently, towards what this day provided, what you offered each other and now the reader.
And Love says I can only love and love you and you and all of you.
Gorgeous Adele and deeply moving…that there is to be no pictures in relationships, only expression, the willingness to be vulnerable and to support each other as we drop the facades and come to a more truthful way of being together.