It was Valentine’s Day yesterday. In the eyes of the world, it may be considered that I have had the worst day of my life.
I had a disagreement with my partner which lasted for six hours. We did not just ignore each other but rather, we continuously communicated throughout these six hours almost non-stop, except for a brief period where we bought food, cooked and ate dinner at almost midnight!
Everything was so imperfect and completely in contrast to the picture-perfect images that were bombarding us all around on this day of love. We did not give each other gifts, we did not have a special dinner; there was no sweet photo of us together. We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.
Why would I say that?
In our commitment to get to the heart of the matter of this argument we dealt with many different topics, such as the consciousness relating to genders, money, doubt, insecurity, judgement, imposition, brotherhood etc., to get to the core issues of responsibility, attachment and need. That the truth is, we know the both of us are more than how we have chosen to live. So we got to feel what that was like. In the process, we received all of our honesty from feeling genuine frustration and stress, insecurity and reactions. In effect, we blatantly received all of our patterns and their consequences and during this, I felt a point of clarity of choice.
At that point, I also felt the deep touch of my partner who bared his vulnerability and threw away his protection to tell me how he was feeling. We received no niceness and gave none: we received no ‘holding back’ and gave none. It was the deepest vulnerability we have ever offered to each other.
Throughout most of our night, I observed myself. My movements also testified that no matter what, through thick and thin, I will always be by our side. Whenever I felt like protecting myself and wanting to cross my legs, I opened them again. I made sure I felt warm. I did not shout but my tone and manner was firm. I looked my partner in the eye. I sat beside him. We went to buy food together and ate our light dinner together. And I observed my partner’s movements changing from frustration to patience. We came to a mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed.
We did not have any sweet words or gestures. We went to bed separately, but the fullness and equality I felt within myself gave me the deepest sleep. When my partner and I woke up in the morning, we naturally cuddled together, now ever more in understanding and love for each other.
Our imperfections lived have knocked down the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders. As a woman, knowing how as a culture/gender we hold back our power and the truth of who we are. I take the responsibility to be seen by my partner, all the parts of me that I felt uncomfortable in showing, the qualities that I do not know how to handle or may feel embarrassed about because it would mean greater responsibility.
Qualities like being naturally in authority and expressive, having the ability to feel deeply and the ease in communicating these feelings, but always being faced with the resistance that, to be accepted, these are ‘no go’ zones. And what I felt was a man who has never wanted anything less from me. I have never felt equality like this before as a woman by not hiding myself.
Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.
Published with permission from my partner.
By Adele Leung, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
No Passport required: making Relationships about Love
What is true love?
Unconditional Love
545 Comments
Thankyou Adele. Allowing yourselves to show your vulnerablity to each other, and to let that unfold between you without any expectations or emotional attachments but instead to let each other just be in their own connection and then eventually return to a deepr understanding of each other is truly inspiring, and so not how disagreements usually unfold.
There is no other way but the way to love deeper, it might not happen immediately but the movement is inevitable.
It is very common to come up against challenging moments in a relationship but it is how we handle them and communicate with each other is key. We are either building a more loving foundation or we can add to the complication and destruction. What you’ve shared Adele is an example of how we can work through a challenging moment together and evolve.
These moments are so precious always reminding us that there is more to unravel, let go, clear patterns of and more love to deepen into. No pictures of perfection but feeling each movement is key to keep appreciating. There is no investment and therefore no struggle either.
In our letting go of pictures, ideals and beliefs of what love is or ‘should‘ be or look like we then are open to exploring how we can deepen our relationship with the true love we are in essence with our commitment to being honest about what is not love and our willingness to let go of that which is not in honor of the love we all are.
Letting go of love pictures show me love is truly everywhere around, the expression of it may not be what I expect, but my heart that is open can pick up on all these expressions and appreciate them.
This blog describes the greatest gifts and presents you can ever give another on Valentine’s day. As in reading it I could tangibly feel the love that was at play, the love that is so pure that it will bring all that is not love to the surface, to look air, deal with and discard it so it will never enter into your relationship anytime thereafter.
When things are hard or ‘go badly’ it isn’t the sign that we are no good as we so often think but that we are about to learn something great – and are given the inspiration to make the required change.
Yes Joseph so true – love is always pulling us up to be more. And the more we say ‘yes’ the more there is for us to explore. This I find totally inspiring.
Beautiful and this is what treu love is about, evolving and expanding and so a true relationship will be about this. In this understanding bumps on the road are not a problem but an opportunity and can be approached as such.
So true Joseph and it is awesome to appreciate the learning we receive when we are open to them no matter what we are presented with.
Thank you for this deeply touching piece of writing. You have sketched a day of love, of truth and vulnerability. I especially adore this sentence, “… mutual understanding of not needing the other to change, but everything had already changed”. There is true alchemy in this expression and it is very inspiring.
Hear, hear Gabriele, very well said. This is a beautiful example of how love is about expansion and allowing each other space to grow in our own time.
This rawness and vulnerability in expression is now deeply appreciated too Gabriele, and this appreciation has made it clearer for me to see what is Truth too.
“Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies. That before we open our mouths to express love, this love is first lived and felt within us.” The love and responsibility of this is beautiful to feel and very inspiring allowing ourselves the honesty to be who we are .
Thank goodness for movement in life! Not everyone would want to hear or speak it, but our movements say it all.
Sometimes love is a firm pull up, it is telling someone that their behaviour is not the amazing person we know them to be, it is asking someone to be more. Love does not leave us to be less
Oh yes! Ultimately this is a pull up of both/all sides if we all say yes. It is always loving to express if anyone is lagging behind, whether they react or respond.
If we keep that as its core, at our heart and its foundation knowing that love lets us be less when we don’t look at something that is not “nice” fight it when it is in fact the love we so desperately crave.
I love what you’ve shared here Adele, as you both chose to go to the discomfort and not settle for the comfortable arrangement. Most of us don’t like to feel the discomfort and find ways to mask over what we feel needing our relationships to be on a comfortable footing in order to feel secure and safe.
We all want security that’s true. But true security comes from dealing with our hurts, step by step…rather than covering up what we don’t want to face and pretend everything is perfect. That is just so uncomfortable to feel.
Adele a great way to look at what true Security is all about. Something that is based on our connection to our soul and relationship with ourselves in full.
You broach a very important point – the willingness to feel the discomfort and tension rather than pretending that everything is okay. The latter sweeps everything under the carpet and the former leads to openness, vulnerability, understanding, acceptance and more love.
And this comfortable way is actually our normal. It is the comfort we at time seek that make our lives so miserable.
We are addicted to our comforts after life times of having a Love-less relationship instead of looking at the discomforts of life and embracing them as our greatest teacher.
What a beautiful way to be developing and building your relationship and how we have to truly know ourselves first before we can truly another.
Nothing is more sexy than truth!
Yes! And I would add realness to the list. Truth in its nakedness can be overwhelming for some but realness touches the openness within us that eventually returns to Truth.
Love needs to be celebrated every day and not just on Valentine’s day.
I wonder about our incessant need to make one day, one event, one person special in our lives. Is this not a reflection of us wanting to make ourselves special too…when we have not lived the grandness we already are in our every breath?
I love this sort of honesty in relationships! We can get though life being nice but nothing is true, but when we open up to the truth things may get bumpy and rough at times but will become solid and everlasting.
Realness is very sexy.
Agreed Kev, let’s embrace true relationships. Where we are speak what is true and felt, no holding back.
‘We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.’ When in disagreement with another it can be very easy to throw in the towel, blame the other, or walk away. But this is a beautiful testimony of love holding the disagreement and winning out.
For many Valentine’s Day is not just a day of love, it is a day that we give permission to ourselves to express the love that we feel around the year, it is an issue not just on love but the expression of it.
It is a totally different experience when we are true to our relationship and feeings. How many people buy their partner flowers on Valentine’s Day or be nice just because of the day? What I love about this sharing is that it brings a realness in and it shows that we don’t have to be locked into a special day – what is first is the evolution of a relationship.
This is real, raw, delicate and powerful all at once. Thank you Adele for sharing the love you are.
Away from the expectations and norms of society it is very inspiring to read, ‘re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies’. I understand that it is here that we can have an unwavering foundation to build relationships and commitment to life.
Staying in relationship, no matter what. Dealing with the reactions as they come up and not letting them change the way you feel about each other. Holding true to the disagreement and being willing to find the truth, together. What better date is there than this… because its very real, and not sugar coated (and skin deep).
This puts a big smile on my face Simon, we can always feel Truth. Yes the recorrection back to Truth may be a bit challenging but if we do not start to express back to Truth, no matter how challenging it may seem, we would never get there.
‘I take the responsibility to be seen by my partner, all the parts of me that I felt uncomfortable in showing, the qualities that I do not know how to handle or may feel embarrassed about because it would mean greater responsibility.’ Beautifully said Adele, to be transparent and intimate with another is key to having true relationships with everyone.
So true Anna when we do not want to hide from ourselves we no longer can hide from others too. We are not perfect but we want to share it all.
“Today as a man and a woman, we are re-building our foundations of how love is felt within our bodies” – such is the beauty of truth that is the marker of wisdom – the livingness of love lived from the body.
I love what you said Zofia: love is a confirmation in the body felt, it is never just a gesture or outward appearance.
I really like the realness of this blog that blows out all the shoulds we are sold about how valentine’s day and relationships in general should be. Not only is it real but there is a lot of responsibility and care taken with yourselves and each other. The ‘goal’ is not to get back to ‘happy ever after’ but a deeper, truer love for each other, no matter what that looks like.
The Happy ever after is not the destination of a relationship, it is in fact the every moment of everyday.
The shoulds in life are a prison to truly feeling love and to being present with our bodies and what we need. Love is never a picture but a holding of each other always and more.
“Reflecting love on Valentine’s Day” – reflecting love on any day, is always love and loving.
Love is not a seek for perfection but a forever deepening.
I commend you Adele (and your partner) with your commitment to going deeper and exploring the truth of what is going on between you. It is far better to lay all the cards out on the table, deal with the issues and move on than it is to hold things back and be in comfort together. An arrangement that is nothing more than a convenient contract together and in no way true love.
The best thing Joshua is this deepening of relationship cannot remain only with partners but expand to all relationships in work and beyond.
If we reduce love to flowers and chocolate and a once a year celebration we are missing out on one of the richest most amazing experiences in this planet.
Imagine being upset over not receiving flowers and chocolates on this day, it would be like weeping for a reduced state but for the wrong reasons.
The expectations people have around Valentine’s Day are huge and overwhelming and it also feels very commercial. Thank you Adele for showing that there is another way to love somebody, by holding them equally to us and by being raw and real with each other.
The day when raw and intimate becomes just the norm depends on our every movement from this moment.
Living that raw and real every day can make every day a special one.
True love is to allow all that is not love in our relationships to be exposed in all it’s rawness which otherwise just is there but stops us from connecting deeper.
I really appreciate this Nico. Every moment when we exercise cruelty on each other we expose the energy that is not us, and we start to discover who we are.
When we are able to understand that ‘the other’ does not need to change, as in general that is what we want when we are in a disagreement with one another, there is an invitation to connect more deeply as the preconditions drops away and allow that deeper connection that will do the true work in coming closer together.
Wanting another to change is imposing an instruct into them to move in a rhythm that we want but not what they are naturally ready for. This is not love as there is a closing in of space rather than an expansion of space.
“We did not have any sweet words or gestures” – when there is instead the beingness and movement of love, words are not required.
There are many other movements including but not exclusive to words which when the expression is Love, we can look into all of these movements and observe if they are loving.
Love is the first and ultimate choice. It is always about love or not love and this choice would always impact everything in our lives.
We strive for pretty pictures. In fact we want to wake up every day and the world would be perfect. But it never is. So having a perfect picture would be wanting to have something that could never be, but the awesome thing is what we know to be true is always a deeper responsibility in Livingness.
This is such a breath of fresh air, the honesty and realness of your relationship as oppose to the superficial romantic nights on valetines. I know which one I’ll be choosing. Thanks for sharing Adele.
Love is in our breath, not whether it is sweet smelling or not, but if we are breathing who we are.
Feeling love when by all accounts you should be feeling that all is lost, is such a huge testament to you and to the power of Universal Medicine, for showing us all that no matter what – you do not have to give up on love.
Absolutely. Never give up on love comes from the divine will that is within us. There is no one sliver of hurt in love.
When we fight with our beloved then we are in reaction to something. The trouble with reacting and responding is that a reaction gives the other no reason to change their behaviour except for a fear of a repeated reaction.
And the fear of repeating something is always a contraction and never a fullness nor an expression of love. Why would we foster this loveless foundation if we are in a relationship that is meant to be about love?
WOW who needs gifts, a sweet photo or a special dinner when you have this ‘We were in disagreement but the truth was, I have never felt a love so true.’ I would rather have that ANY day. Sounds pretty awesome to me and very inspiring.
Love without a picture is always inspiring I’d have to absolutely agree Vicky but without this embodied it could be easy to miss out on it.
Dropping the expectations we have of one and other is one of the best presents we could give to another.
Returning to a more blank canvas with each other in relationship with the purity of love is truly freeing. We have to work at it constantly to return to love for the direction of movement is always deeper and backwards.
What a hugely embracing and confirming way to see our imperfections in any relationship, that when observed and called out they serve to knock down “the ideals of what love should look like, how love should be expressed for a man and woman, exposing the judgements we have between genders.” Without judgement we have acceptance and love of one another.
This goes beyond Valentine’s Day but every day we get the chance to see clearer without the blinkers of the ideals of perfection and love is in every encounter with everyone.
There are so many ideas and beliefs regarding what love is that sometimes we can be challenged when true love is in front of us or coming through us to be expressed.
Extremely so as there is no lived remnant of what love is in our body. That said, once love has touched us in the connect with our soul, nothing else is ever sufficient.
I know for me it is better for things to get a bit messy and ugly and get to the bottom of things than to let them carry on being nice in the surface but underneath still not be dealing with those unsaid issues and tensions.
Being real and raw can be messy but so true that love only ever wants to go deeper.
We so avoid raw and messy and being real as it doesn’t fit the picture, but this holding on to the picture is the very thing that stops us from going deeper and feeling the truth and beauty of the love we are, that is waiting to be felt, expressed and lived.
There is nothing like the honesty of authenticity of accepting where we are at in any moment, as from that point there is the choice or option of coming back and living who we truly are in essence.
‘In our commitment to get to the heart of the matter of this argument we dealt with many different topics…’ Your sharing shows that no matter the difficulty, when both sides are committed to getting to the truth, just what can happen.
If we have held off committing to something or going deeper for a while there may be some getting used to, but the joy and impact long term is so worth it.