I have been married to my husband for over 11 years now and we have an exquisite and strong relationship that is forever deepening in the love that we share with each other.
We form an amazing ‘team’, working through the many demands of life together, and though we can’t claim to have greatly enviable dance moves as a couple, in life we do know how to tango together with grace and tenderness. But this was not always the case.
When we first met there was a clear connection between us and we established a solid friendship before deciding to get together.
From the word go we were incredibly at ease with each other, so comfortable being together, and our relationship felt so natural and familiar there could be no doubt that we were made to be a great couple. In fact most people assumed we were husband and wife before we even started going out. But we had many things to work on in our relationship.
Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.
It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to. But as time went on we were granted many opportunities to explore the things that stopped us from evolving in our relationship.
Mostly this involved sharing with each other how we felt when certain things happened, when certain issues cropped up. This was often an excruciatingly difficult experience involving many tears, raised voices and sometimes door slamming. No physical violence ever eventuated for us but the abusive tones we used and the shutting off from the other was strong enough to feel like it cut to the bone.
Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.
There were three clear occasions where we got to a point that the communication was so poor between us that we discussed separation and divorce. But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.
So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck.
Finally, we decided to seek help. We found some help with counselling offered through Universal Medicine practitioners, and for 18 months we worked hard at our relationship, the way we communicated with each other and the way we treated each other.
At times the only communications we had without reacting strongly to the other was saying “pass the salt please”. In other words, we went through moments in our relationship where communication was so difficult one could have said that the only time we got along really well was when we were not in the same room.
However, thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.
I will be honest in saying that it was a hard road to travel – a difficult time working through the issues between us, exploring areas of discord and discussing things that just did not feel right – but I cannot begin to express how worthwhile it has been to lay the groundwork and foundation for our relationship as husband and wife: groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other.
This is not to say that we are perfect, for of course issues will still crop up for us to look at – but, in truth, these issues are very small matters indeed, and are nothing compared to what we now bring as love and appreciation of each other.
The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.
We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us. This is practising a tango with truth, which would never have been possible had it not been for our dedication to each other combined with the support of these amazing practitioners and the community of couples to be inspired by.
By Henrietta Chang
Further Reading:
Relationships – A Never Ending Journey
Making a relationship about true love
Sex vs making love – is there a difference?
Open and honest discussion is a more effective way of communicating than slamming doors.
This is an honest and beautiful sharing of how we can work things out if we are prepared to look at our hurts ideals and beliefs and not impose them on another, or expect someone to love us because we cannot love ourselves. So many of us do not even realise we have a problem loving ourselves as we have developed a blame culture where it is always someone else’s problem, we are just a victim. So to be prepared to work through all the stuff that we put in the way of developing a truly loving relationship is so worth celebrating.
Relationships should be on every school curriculum. And what a difference it would make to all of our lives and to Life itself if it was. It would become apparent that our investigation and learning of relationships would be a never ending study.
“But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce”. Henrietta this is something that I realised about my relationship as well but for a long time I would daydream about being with someone else and having the level of intimacy that I longed for. I think as human beings we do this a lot, dream about things being better with someone else or whilst doing something else and overlooking the fact that whatever isn’t working gets dragged with us into the next scenario. It might take a while to show itself but in time it will because in truth there is nothing that we can ever leave behind.
‘We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us.’ It is really important for the world to have role models of couples living in truly loving relationships – working on developing and evolving, very inspiring.
Your commitment to the relationship and healing the hurts is inspiring, ‘ thanks to the counselling support as well as implementing some amazing and simple tools of communication, we were able to bring understanding to what was happening in our relationship and each other, and we could begin to bring back more love into the way we were with each other.’
Being open to support when we are aware there is an issue is a great start, and then it really has to come from us, to be honest and to be willing to heal our hurts. Universal Medicine and the principles it is based on is a remarkable support, to stop and reflect inwards and heal the hurts so we don’t carry them around with us and pollute other relationships with it.
Yes, being honest and willing to heal our hurts are key ingredients in any relationship.
In fact, we have fallen so far from the love we are from. That’s why it is at times so difficult to return to it but for sure a way worth to go.
As long there is a willingness to delve deeper in the potential of the relationship you can speak of a true relationship that otherwise could be described as an arrangement when this willingness is not there.
I feel it is important to note that we create the issues that can come between us. It could be that both partners in their own way in the relationship are resisting going deeper in their love for one another but whatever is there to be looked at, will indeed keep coming round and round until one day both or perhaps one of the partners says enough’s enough and leads the way knowing through every step they take there is potential for a greater love to come between them.
When we don’t communicate openly with each other small issues can seem overwhelming.
Not communicating is an unwillingness to move with the love that is constantly pouring through our veins. Actually, we then go against our natural way of being that possibly gives us that feeling of overwhelm which in fact is just a result of denying our divine origin.
There’s nothing like being in a relationship – with anyone – to expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn, if we’re up for it, honest and open.
Your comment sums up an important aspect of relationships, relationships ‘expose and reflect exactly where we’re at and what we need to work on. It’s raw, confronting and uncomfortable, and an incredible opportunity to grow and learn’.
Relationships are certainly there for us to work on. They require space and commitment and communication and a willingness to keep going deeper. Your sharing is so telling of how we have to want to go there in a relationship in order to keep developing it. Things are never handed to us on a plate, and if we are willing to want to see what the blockers are, then we will continue to deepen.
It is inspiring the commitment you both showed to sticking with the relationship to get under what was causing problems. It seems a lot of now days hit that point where we are not comfortable to move past and separate. Your example even if it had ended in divorce shows the growth and learning on offer when we keep going deeper into the seemingly ‘scary zones’.
I love the appreciation that is so palpable in this blog and the gratitude that you have both been supported to work through your issues so that you can go ever deeper with your foundation of love for each other and for everyone.
Relationships offer us a way of evolving back to who we truly are, often through turmoil and upset as we are confronted with our ideals and beliefs. It is not easy to be honest and open with the part that we play within the relationship, so beautiful that you both stayed and build a foundation of love that could support you both through these times, and chose to seek the loving support that was offered by Unimed practitioners.
There is always more to share… And we have relationships everywhere.
This is very lovely. I feel there are many relationships that could stay the course, so to speak, if the partners were humble enough to get the support of counsellors of the calibre of those working in Universal Medicine. Although I am not in a couple relationship at the moment I am considering a few sessions to support me in deepening my expression of love and truth and renouncing the behaviours and ways of communicating that do not serve this purpose.
Perhaps our joy in relationship comes from the quality of engagement to face and deal with our problems and issues that come up.
It is very inspiring Henriette to feel how powerful it is when we are willing and open to being honest with each other, as we then are by the truth to deepen our relationship with love for ourselves and each other.
Yes we can play the sabotage game of right and wrong but in the long run there is always the knowing that together there is so much to offer others about the importance of honouring relationships and the absolute joy they bring.
What I love about your sharing is that it is not about striving for perfection but about building a foundation that is based on love and in this not letting things run that do not fit with this and bringing understanding to the fact that in relationships stuff will come up and that is also part of it.
It sure seems true to say that there is an amazing alignment that happens to bring us together in all our relationships in order to grow and learn together, and denying what is on offer (no matter how difficult it may seem at first) will most likely result in letting go of a great opportunity to evolve together. When we let each other stay in the emotional reactions of what another person does without seeing and reading the greater message or learning to be had, it can be difficult to ‘go there’, but much worth it in the end, as Henrietta has described in this blog. Henrietta,I would love to hear more about what tools of communication you learned from Universal Medicine practitioners to lay that groundwork of a more loving way in your relationship with your partner.
Life is seen as a thing to get through, with a strength to maintain when in truth it’s about a quality we develop to consistently go deeper. Rather than a marathon runner we are to be more of a deep sea diver. Thank you Henrietta.
Very true Joseph, there is no point going onto the next thing in life when something needs to be looked at and addressed in the moment… it is about the quality of our being and not quantity of how much we can do or achieve together in whatever way that may mean in the relationship.
Communication with honesty clears the falsity of ideals and beliefs out of the way and opens us up to true relationship.
It is worth ensuring that when you walk away from a relationship you do it with an understanding of why the relationship didn’t work, on both sides. That way you start the next relationship without the baggage that can be taken from relationship to relationship and poisons that deeper intimacy and connection.
Absolutely and yet so many keep repeating the same patterns over and over again – relationship after relationship and lifetime after lifetime.
We each deserve to be treated to the whole and complete version of who we are. But it’s not about skills, training or tricks we could bring to bear but living present, and being there knowing we are a multidimensional being worthy of care.
I can relate to this because I am also incredibly grateful for the enormous support my husband and I have received over the years from Universal Medicine practitioners. We have been married and working together 24/7 for over 25 years now. There has always been a great love and commitment between us but over the years we too have had some very difficult times. These days thanks to our choices and the support we received from Universal Medicine, our marriage is deeply loving, joyful, harmonious and awesome at a level I would never have even imagined was possible and there seems to be no end in sight as we keep evolving together.
A relationship based purely on function is never going to work…. our feelings cannot be ignored, and the fact is that we are in an energetic relationship first and foremost. The only way to make it through and ignore this is to dull the senses and hope that we don’t feel the disquiet inside too much. What kind of living is that?
Not knowing the qualities you bring and therefore appreciating the value of these manifesting will leave you in a state of needing to be confirmed by another. When this does not happen you are faced with your hurt. It’s worth gold in a relationship to never stop appreciating what you bring.
” we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other. ”
It’s great to express this and our views, ideas , ideals and beliefs that restrict the expression of love and this is the case for all relationships.
A lovely sharing, and understanding how important it can be to seek support with our relationships. Relationships bring up so much that it can be necessary for another person to support from the ‘outside’ so to speak.
I love your honesty in this blog Henriette. It shows that we can in fact turn anything around with commitment and dedication to each other.
I find it is easy to allow relationships to go stagnant, especially when we are not putting any love or responsibility into it. Relationships like anything else needs nurturing, constant care and love. I realise for anything to expand and grow it needs fuel and that fuel is love.
Very beautifully said Chan. If we allow stagnation in one relationship then this flows onto to all others. Therefore a relationship that is tended and cared for also flows on to all others.
It’s inspiring to read the responsibility you both took with your relationship, knowing that ending it wasn’t the answer before the issues were resolved because those same issues would present themselves again down the line and the cycle would continue.
“Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.” This explains why it is also not about staying together in a relationship at all costs and that staying together is never the end goal. But that it is about the quality of what we are living together with someone and as long we can bring this together to a quality of love and joy than staying together is natural.
This is really great to read Henrietta. The commitment that you and your husband have for each other and the dedication to your relationship is very inspiring.
This is a beautiful sharing and you show the rest of us what the end result can be, when purpose and commitment is present in the deepening of a relationship.
Yes and to bring it back to all – back to love when all the ill thoughts and games try to resurface knowing that these are the roadblocks back to love.
It was great to read this and see that although relationships can be extremely challenging and at times feel like there is nowhere for them to go, there is always the potential for them to deepen.
It’s my strong feeling that we are placed here together without any shred of coincidence. We are perfectly aligned to bring up just what we would prefer to never see. Yet isn’t this the most magnificent opportunity? You’d say yes, unless of course it’s you who is the one being triggered that day. But if we just develop the patience and the understanding we will get to see that there is a much bigger picture to what is at play and what seems hard is what is so needed for us to embrace. Thank you Henrietta for sharing your journey to get to this place.
It’s great to see the point where we meet someone, all the potential that is there for everyone to see. As is said in this article, “In fact most people assumed we were husband and wife before we even started going out. But we had many things to work on in our relationship.” There is a strong connection and purpose there from the first point that we often dismiss or walk past because ‘it couldn’t be’ or ‘you need to get to know someone first’ etc etc. It would seem most of the ‘issues’ are with us and understanding or living the feelings we actually have from the first point. At times it would seem we would rather live strongly the struggle and not live to all else that we feel. This way these relationships struggle not from issues but from the fact we are living that way and the relationship is simply a reflection of this.
I love what you are sharing here Ray as from the moment you meet with someone you can live everything that is there for the two people coming together to be lived and shared but there are a lot of ideals and beliefs around that say there needs to be a phase of getting to know each other, which of course is also needed but it is not all about that. At the time we are getting to know each other we can also already live all that is there for us.
This was really beautiful to read, both of your willingness to give it a go, to keep having another go at difficult conversations, working through hurts and issues..nothing can be too hard to heal, if we’re willing to be raw, honest and open about how and what we feel.
Yes and bringing understanding that it may not be the other persons ‘normal’. They may not be used to talking things through to understand the hurts, the belief systems, the ideals that come into relationships and plant seeds that spring up at inopportune moments.
Communication is the foundation of all our relationships, our expression is the fast track to opening to our true potential
There can be a picture that a relationship with issues needs to be let go of, that if it’s not smooth sailing then get out, but what you have shown here is there is great purpose to working on what’s coming up, and when that is out of the way it is a foundation for a very solid love and appreciation to grow. We can see our couple relationship as something for ourselves, but actually it has a greater purpose in that it constant reflects something to humanity, which means we have a beautiful responsibility to explore and heal our issues so we can reflect love as a couple.
Great point about false pictures – e.g. If there’s an argument or even the slightest bit of discord, then we must be incompatible and it must be game over. And how the opposite pictures are equally as potentially harmful i.e. We’re ‘meant to be’ together so let’s stick through it no matter what.
This piece says to me that it is not so much who you are in relationship that always needs the work, but the fact of being in relationships themselves that need the dedication and the care.
In all our relationships we go round and around until we learn what we need to master – and the blessing of our everyday human life is that we will always receive the lessons and the correct people and situations into our lives that will teach us what we need to learn, regardless of how uncomfortable it is.
I look around and I see so many relationships functioning out of convenience and lacking in joy yet this is so far from our natural truth. What standards do we hold when we are willing to put up with anything else then it is not true love.
There is such inspiration and common sense in this wonderful blog, so much so that it needs to be the first chapter in a book on relationships. I for one would have loved to have read it as I was struggling through my relationships which invariably ended in separation and the hurts I was carrying being taken into the next one. It was only when realised that I was the common denominator in all the relationships and so began the unravelling of the hurts that had impacted on all of them, that I began to understand the responsibility of what we bring into any relationship.
Truly there is no reason as to why two people cannot get along. If two people do not get along then they must be fighting something or hiding something. Thank you for sharing Henriette .
To be fully committed to your partner you must, and that is a massive must, be as committed as possible to yourself and all your other relationships. One area of life where you are holding back your love is another area of your relationship with your partner where Love will be lacking.
All the ‘Fairytales’ and ‘Love stories’ can mess with people’s understanding of relationships and what having a relationship based on honesty, responsibility and openness really is. Reading about your experience Henrietta helps to bring greater understanding to what it really means to be in relationship with another and that there are so many ways a couple can support each other to bring all the love they are to that relationship. It can be very easy to choose to close our heart with the belief that by doing this we will not get hurt but what it really means is that we close the hurt in and the love that is there out.
Such a responsible approach to a problem, because if you were to end your relationship without getting to the bottom of what was causing so much dis-ease, it would have without a doubt come back in the next relationship, and sometimes it doesn’t have to re-surface through a romantic relationship, it can come through friends or family etc.
A few days ago I had a small realisation about relationships, they’re not about the individuals involved, or fulfilling each other’s needs, there’s more to them. I am still fuzzy about exactly what that more is, how it looks for me, or what I should do in them, but I know that it’s about bringing all of me to a relationship and not expecting anything from the other person.
Love is a never ending path in which we learn, grow and heal whatever is not to come back to it
One of the most profound and beautiful aspects of life presented by Universal Medicine is how to build a foundation of true relationship with yourself… which is of course essential before we can relate to anyone else.
I love you honesty Henrietta and shows that relationships take work and that life its always linear its a constant cycle that takes patience, honesty and commitment to undo and or heal past issues that may be carried to then re-imprint a new movement forward. To be able to do this for ourselves is a blessing but to have the opportunity to uncover more hurts and old behaviours that are reflected by our partners that is truly amazing too.
Staying with what is true can be tricky in relationships, as undealt with emotions can come in and turn everything around. Getting support is paramount to help uncover what our part is in it all, so that we can move through it easier and with clarity and understanding.
Thanks Henrietta, I enjoyed the honesty and how relatable your blog was to read. We may think that relationships with “problems” need to be discarded because we have this picture of how a successful relationship is – all roses and smooth sailing. But what if the problems are actually a gift? I’m not talking about the problems we cause to create needless drama, but the ones that emerge that are our hurts, beliefs and ideals ready to be looked at so deeper love can be accepted and lived? It kind of changes how we look at relationship issues.
This line really grabbed me “there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to.” It makes sense to me that we may avoid deepening love because we avoid the sets of hurts that can come up when we are ready to go to the next depth of love. We can also be really held by pictures of love and thinking “this is it” when there is actually always more love to deepen into, live and share.
Being totally honest and taking responsibility have paved the way to loving communication and a true relationship, very inspiring. I appreciate that you did not throw in the towel but persevered, knowing that whatever couldn’t be resolved in the present was invariably going to present itself again in the future.
A great article, thank you Henrietta, the grass is never greener on the other side as some imagine because we take ourselves and our un-dealt with issues with us “we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.” a beautiful opportunity for growing and healing together.
What I take away from reading this today is how vital communication is between two people in a relationship, or any relationship for that matter. When a situation arises I now wonder – have I fully expressed myself or feel an unease with the assumptions, ideals and beliefs about the relationship put there to fill the gaps where my expression is missing?
What this shows clearly is that relationships not just flow like this but that they offer us to work on the things we still need to master, to let go of ways that let us be truly open with each other.
I can very much relate to the knowing that whatever arises in a relationship to heal will keep coming back until it is cleared. I know that I am to be in a relationship to support me to evolve and I also know that my partner is the very one to support my growth. It is a continuously commitment to say ‘Yes’ to love.
What if there’s always more to share with someone and always more to explore and deeper to go? If we embraced this in our lives it would mean that it was impossible for a relationship to go stagnant.
It isn’t easy at times being in a relationship with another person, especially when we’ve been taught from young to constrict and tailor the expression of how we truly feel about life. The pictures I’ve held onto that say ‘you can’t say that they’ll think you are crazy’ are exposing of the judgements I’ve adopted then placed onto my expression of how I feel. The more I say no to those beliefs and share what I feel I get to feel more of the real me and in turn get to see more of who they truly are. Disconnection from my feelings is where all the issues in life stem from and not the other person or life.
Beautiful Henrietta, thank you for sharing this. It is very lovely that you were both committed to working on your relationship and to getting to the bottom of the issues between you, I can feel how in relationships it can be common for there to be a lack of true communication; of us allowing and taking the time to express what we are truly feeling; to hear each other and work on what is not loving – you are great role models as to what is possible in relationships.
Communicating what we feel is super important in a relationship for the littlest thing left unsaid can start to grow into something really big between me and my partner I found. It is a little thing you keep for yourself, a distrust in the other. More and more I am starting to see that in a relationship it is about coming more and more towards each other and having less of my own ‘secret’ like ‘I can’t trust him’ kind of thoughts. Those thoughts are not something from us they are often only there to separate us from the other.
Every relationship offers incredible potential if we are willing to embrace it.
I can relate so well to what you have written Henrietta and agree whole-heartedly that the effort is so worthwile and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners a godsend.
When an issue is exposed in a relationship it is very often because it is revealing an issue we have within ourselves and we don’t like facing up to this truth so we look to blame the other. When we honestly and openly share our vulnerability with each other we offer ourselves and each other the opportunity to see the iceberg as a drop of water.
Thank you for expressing how worth while it is to lay groundwork and foundation for relationships. When we build a strong foundation it allows us to deepen naturally with each other and express the gorgeous love that is always there between us.
I also feel because we live from so many pictures in our head this is why relationships don’t work, because we are living from images, so of course no one is ever going to meet them, because they are not real.
I love this blog Henrietta, thank you for writing it. I have a lot of issues to work on in my relationships. And I also love the fact it is no coincidence we are together in relationship with our partners and all people we meet. It is very much about learning. What I also love and it os so refreshing to read as in this day and age people just bail out on each other or find someone else without working on things. People lack commitment. Working through things as you both have, for me shows true love, commitment and solidarity. Things may not always be plain sailing so to speak, there may be things we need to work on ourselves or together in our relationships, as part of a team. And at times it may be the truest and most loving decision to separate, but I really feel we are too quick in society to not stick things out, work on stuff, commit to people. This is saddening to see.
Henrietta, I was particularly taken by your words ‘We can feel that there is much more for us to share with each other and many more around us.’ Our relationships are beautifully constellated for us to learn more about ourselves and the world, or to help others learn things about themselves or generally to support one another. It takes a great deal of honesty to come to truth, and with the reflection and help of another, we are able to become more open and honest.
There is no coincidence in why people meet, why we have friendships and the people we have in our lives in general. In each relationship there is a learning and a blessing.
All kind of relationships are an opportunity for us to be more of who we truly are, more love and openness to others. This can be quiet challenging and confronting at the start but if we are willing and committed to heal our hurts we get to experience love for what it truly is.
This is what a true marriage is, to keep evolving and pull each other up to be more love and this has no end, whether this is in this relationship or in another.
Henrietta, this is the second article of yours I’ve read today and I’m blown away by your openness and honesty. Sharing what many people wouldn’t want to talk about is not only inspiring it allows us all to learn. It’s very easy to put on a brave face when things aren’t going well – but relationships sometimes need work. Thank you for your inspiring sharing.
Inspiring to read that you have both been so willing to go there. Many couples would break up to avoid exposing their vulnerability.
It is so true that we can all feel when a relationship is only based on function and there is a lack of true love and appreciation for each other. And we all need support sometimes to get past those hurts which get in the way of deepening and developing the connections with others.
Whether we are single or whether we are in a relationship with another, there is a constant change, and ebb and a flow that undergoes all the time. We can either resist this ebb and flow or we can go along with it making the needed adjustments along the way. In a couple, this growth can only happen if we embrace the growth that is offered to ourselves first and foremost. It is then this growth that we can bring to the other in our relationship with them. When we are in a relationship with another, the blessing is that our self-growth is accelerated as we get constantly reflected by another those things that we need to work on for ourselves. For example when we feel frustrated with another, perhaps it is that we have not allowed ourselves to feel and voice what we actually are feeling in a situation, but rather have attempted to ‘keep the peace’. Peace is never settling, as there is always something seething under the surface waiting to be exposed. But when we actually allow ourselves to feel and communicate the tension, it offers it an opportunity to clear, offering both in a couple a change to re-unite on a deeper level, having re-united deeper with ourselves first.
You are a living example of how you can never go wrong when you commit to love and are prepared to do whatever is required to let go of what lies in the way of living that.
A very beautiful and honest sharing Henrietta; your commitment to building a solid foundation and to the ongoing expansion of your relationship is deeply inspiring.
Building a foundation of intimacy requires some work, starting with self, until we are truly intimate with ourselves we will struggle to be intimate with another. ‘Intimacy seems to be a foreign ball game for many of us. And yet it is this that brings us together like nothing else.’ Intimacy can be partly built by taking time to stop in the day and see how I am really feeling, what is my body feeling- maybe scanning each part of my body, and being aware of how situations actually affect my body.
It took a number of years for my picture and ideal of how a relationship should look like to be taken back to reality, I was someone that sought relationship after relationship – looking for the other person to fix me. As you say “Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.” is what I felt numerous times. Today I understand that relationships take work, time and choices. Why because they are about evolution and therefore my picture perfect relationship was never going to happen as I had completely excluded evolution instead looking for comfort. It shows every relationship has great potential, potential for evolution for every person invovled.
It says something about commitment to love and one another to go through those periods of time when a relationship is difficult, and communication is reduced to statements by the example of ..”pass the salt please”… The commitment to working through these patches offer such opportunity to break down pre-existing ideals and beliefs that we each bring and from it, build clear and true foundations for all our relationships.
When we choose to have relationships that evolve us we will always be challenged to be more of who we are and this is a really great thing. If this is not happening then we are choosing relationships that keep us stuck and in fact are potentially very harming.
So beautiful to read your commitment to love in your relationship, working on the issues that come up in a positive, respectful way instead of using blame, shame and giving up, because divorce can be an easy way out in some situations, without taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.
This is honest and clearly articulates what love and commitment can achieve when couples connect deeply to the truth that lies within and the steps in bringing it into their livingness. Being in relationship brings up past experiences and old hurts to be cleared which is not an easy path but is one that can be beautiful in its healing. Thank you Henrietta for sharing this with us all.
First and foremost our first relationship is our relationship with evolution, depending on our own choice to evolve and how far we want to go there will depend on the type of relationships we end up with.
One of the greatest lessons I have learnt is that for every perspective I may have, another person has an equally valid perspective that is true for them. No one is right and no one is wrong, it’s about listening and wanting to understand each other. With this commitment there is a deepening of love felt and expressed which takes the relationship to a whole new level.
If I had of had the opportunity to seek counselling from a Universal Medicine Practitioner when I was within a long held relationship breakdown, it could have made a huge difference to the end result, as over 8 years ago before finding Unimed, I had no idea what a true relationship was and was definitely stuck in one that was only functional, with no true love to support it. Thank-fully now, there are so many gorgeous couples, choosing to be more transparent within their relationships with each other, and it most definitely shows.
Whilst I know that being honest with our selves and each other in our relationships is paramount, I’m not suggesting for one moment that this is easy. It can be incredibly hard as to do this we have to work through the tangle of ideals, beliefs, hurts that have held us captive for years, lifetimes even. However, when we do this, we are shedding layers that have kept us hidden and we start to see each other for who we truly are, as we share more and more, the essence of our gorgeous selves. Then we are in relationship with each other for who we are, without all the baggage.
Thank you for your incredibly open and honest sharing, Henrietta. I can very much relate to your journey, there are ups and downs in every relationship as we are always ‘moving’ either evolving or reversing, but nothing ever stays the same. So, it makes sense that our relationships will soar and be challenged. I have observed and found for myself that the key is always to be honest. It’s very easy to ignore the reality of what is actually happening, to pretend that everything is ‘fine’, to comfort ourselves with food or something else to take away that feeling of separation. There is a protection from our hurts stopping us from admitting that we feel lonely and unloved. However, the truth is, we are not loving ourselves enough to be honest and to share what we are feeling, if we can’t do this first and very important step our relationship is doomed as it’s not based on truth.
Sharing how we feel with each other I have discovered is something most people find difficult, but why? Do we have a default button that we want to keep ourselves from joy? Because when we feel and when we share, things may still be difficult but we feel surrendered and joyful. So it is inspiring Henrietta that although you and your husband has experienced a difficult time in communication that you did not give up, for it is so worthwhile. “Expression is Everything” S.B., it is worth everything to express ourselves back to truth no matter how difficult the route feels initially, for there is simply no greater joy.
Being single does not often expose the fixed patterns, ideals and beliefs that being in a close relationship can, but rather than cruise with that I am choosing to claim a foundation of self love that supports me to be in relationship with all. Being responsible and working on the feelings that arise as indicators of an issue buried within to clear and evolve to establish an honest and open relationship with self.
I’m discovering as a single person for several years now, that I still carry the trauma of past relationships. It became evident recently when I met a past partner and I felt the healing for me was not complete, my body let me know I was still subject to a certain level of pain and trauma whether from that relationship or previous, I still have some healing to clear the imprint I carry.
Every relationship needs to be worked at. It cannot be expected to flourish without input from both partners. I know I have been guilty of letting things slide in my relationship, and this can then lead to bigger issues. The reality is that knowing you love each other is not enough to sustain a relationship on its own.
Dealing with the issues that we find most difficult can bring the greatest healing. I found when I have tackled these areas, it’s as if my partner already knew but just needed to hear it honestly from me. Thanks Henrietta. This blog offers something for all of us ponder on when it comes to any relationship.
I remember a time in a long standing past relationship, there were times where I felt alone and it used to worry me why I felt that way, because I thought we loved each so how could I feel this way. Not being open and sharing how I felt did not help. I can feel looking back that we did not have a truly honest and open relationship and we’re living guarded and protected from being hurt by each other. How beautiful it is to read your blog Henrietta, and how supportive and inspiring your shared experience is for so many.
The Tango with Truth … this is huge when you stop and consider that you are willing to pull your sleeves up together as a couple and see what it is that is getting in the way of having a very deep true and meaningful relationship. To sweat it out through the tricky times and to have that trust with each other and what you both bring to the relationship is seriously very cool. Super inspiring and to have the support of Universal Medicine and their practitioners there to support the process is amazing.
The commitment to dig around in the mud that you have done a superb job of disguising for many years can be really exposing and awkward but the outcomes are almost always not what you expected and the ability to work through these issues together brings both greater strength and appreciation for one another.
Being in a relationship can be so lonely when we allow the function to take over and the friendship & connection to fade.
Henerietta, it is so beautiful to read how you worked on your relationship, I can feel that so often if there are problems within the relationship that a rift can grow between couples and they can grow further apart, it is wonderful to read how you worked on your relationship and deepened your love and appreciation of each other.
Thank you for writing about the realities that are there in a relationship that need to be resolved, otherwise they will come back time and time again. Relationships are super important in life to get these moments and evolve back to where we originate from.
And what’s more, you certainly smash the ‘happily ever after’ picture so many carry when it comes to marriage and ‘finding the one’. If a relationship is not seeking to evolve constantly, deepening the love and resolving things that come up along the way, then there will definitely be nothing that truly resembles joy at it’s core. We have been sold such a corker in thinking we do not have to work at having deeply loving relationships.
Henrietta thank you, I love what you’ve shared… there is no magic bullet when it comes to healing and restoring true love in our lives, but dedication and commitment to doing the work required. Just reading your blog it is abundantly clear that it is infinitely worth it… and the alternative… to keep going around and around. I know which I choose!
When I connect with the truth that loving myself and offering that love to my partner, I am transported to a place within me that absolutely knows the healing power of love. When I get caught up in my ‘self’ and stop taking responsibility for the love that I am and can share – misery descends and I know that this is not it! Relationships teach me more about myself than anything else!
“Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.” So true Henrietta our unresolved hurts from other relationships get played out in our next relationship, that is why we get stuck going round and around with nothing changing.. I loved your honesty and commitment you were both willing to make, to go through the painful and uncomfortable times, recognising that your relationship was bigger and worth so much more than the hurts you both carried.
Getting to the root causes are tensions/disagreements in an intimate relationship is painful but so well worth the effort and struggle. Not only does that relationship deepen but there is a ripple that then affects all relationships.
These hurts that we struggle to let go of is a reflection on how we have become found of them and how this has an enormous impact with all those around us. Being in a relationship and having the willingness to go deeper in pure Love and to treat each other with the love and respect we know we all deserve incredible once you get out of your comfort zone.
Such a great sharing Henrietta, thank you so much. You have shown just how worthwhile it is to be really willing to work on our relationships. This is what relationship is all about. We all carry our issues and hurts from the past and we need to face up to them and let them go, bit by bit as we can. That is the only way that we can evolve ourselves to the great people that we all can be. How beautiful it is to work with a partner in this regard, even though it may be a difficult exercise. Two people being willing to work together to resolve issues can result in each being much greater in the long run, how powerful a couple then is the result. What a different world we would be living in if people were more willing to work on their issues, letting go of their hurts, the amount of love that would be in the world would be glorious. There would be no need for wars and such like.
I think one of the biggest mistakes we can make in relationships is to assume that a relationship will not be hard work, or need effort or attention. Relationships are designed for us to evolve, and by virtue of that they are constantly changing and always need us to be working on them to work.
A beautiful story that many people will find very similar to their own situations. This blog offers a different way of approaching relationship issues.
What a blessing it is to have and appreciate a truly loving relationship thus evolving individually, together and humanity. Your blog is such a joy, and an inspiration, to read Henrietta. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
I find it so inspiring that no matter how painful things were between you and your partner, you never gave up on the relationship and the bigger picture of what you were here to bring. Asking for support in difficult times can be so supportive in expanding our awareness, when we can’t see the wood for the trees. Thank you for sharing such personal learning with us, Henrietta.
Henrietta as you share your relationship and that “we have an exquisite and strong relationship that is forever deepening” it shows us how lost and far from true relationships we’ve accepted. For instance the whole “meeting your soul mate” was in my eyes about meeting someone that could fill all the parts of life I was unhappy with. However I’ve come to appreciate how demanding and controlling that would be, wanting someone to be something for me. The way you now share relationships allows a possibility that everyone, everywhere can have the same quality of relationship with all others as it starts with us first.
When i broke up with a guy about ten years ago, i remember feeling frustrated with him because the actual breakup didn’t makes sense or have any warmth of approach or understanding to it/how he did it. A lack of transparency at that time made us bungle along in our relationship, in a pretence, and so when the break up happened…i wasn’t unhappy that it had ended as i had wanted that for a while myself, but really more the way it had ended so suddenly one day. I realised later on that i blamed my ex and our relationship for what i did not have in myself – steady communication, respect, real warmth, and understanding. Looking back at it now, although i can say the relationship was not an evolutionary one, it was one that had offered evolution through its ending.
“So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck” – what i love about this Henrietta is that both of you were aware of it, and equally felt to do something about it – together, (not so often the case where one is resistant to even talking about things) which shows how evolutionary your relationship was.. and therefore worth the work towards something even greater, even more enjoyed : )
What blessing it has been for you both to be that dedicated and committed to each other. To seek true support when you needed it and go where you had not gone before. To come out of the other side with clarity and a much deeper love and respect for each other. To know that you have so much more to expand and grow on with each is genuinely heart warming. Here you bring this to all other relationships because your experiences are what you live from. How cool is that!
Hi Henrietta, awesome article – thanks for writing it ❤️ My boyfriend and I recently decided to break up after 5 years together because we identified that our relationship was basically exclusively based on need. We are all too aware of the points you raise around not dealing with stuff however and as such are committing individually to forming deep relationships with ourselves first. This isn’t proving smooth sailing I can tell you! Essentially we still “love” each other and live very close by so since we’ve broken up have fallen into the friends illusion where essentially it’s the same as before, we’re just practically not quite as tied; as in we still see each other, hang out, talk about our stuff…. I.e. Using one another to not feel the loneliness we’ve created for ourselves by focussing our entire lives on anyone but ourselves….. It’s tricky to learn to put yourself first to get to know yourself which is essentially what needs to happen for us to eliminate any need. So even though we’re not together, we are still taking responsibility to heal this to build a solid foundation for the next intimate relationship we each have… It’s a pretty refreshing approach really when I look at how my other relationships have ended and consist of nothing more than a once yearly happy birthday message on trusty Facebook!
I love your honesty and openness in this blog Henrietta, and also how you refer to your relationship as like practising a tango with truth.
And I have also come to accept that the bumps in the road are all part of it, to be embraced, because it is at these moments that we are invited to go deeper, to evolve. For years I have turned my back on these moments, battoned down the hatches and tried to pretend that all is OK. Not so much now. Now we are learning to see these bumps for what they are. They are divine cross-roads. At which you can choose to turn to God or turn to protection.
Moving through your relationship together the way you both are Henrietta is a tribute to you both and what an amazing journey you share with us, offering for others a way forward that is all about true love speaking and a deep connection, and clearing out what gets in the way of that.
One of the best things that I have begun to do is start to drop the ‘images’ of what I expect/want/need my relationship to be. There are layers and layers of these and not only do they create untenable pressure to put on the relationship, but they also keep you away from truth, transparency and fragility. We have to be prepared to bare all, to let go and to allow our relationships to evolve in line with the constellations of who we actually are, rather than who we are pretending to be or aspiring to be. If this environment can be nurtured, then those elephants in the room turn into small little mice.
When we cary hurts from old relationships, they will present again until we choose to address and heal them, ‘Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other,’ the first step is to be aware of these images and then nominate them, great to read this Henrietta.
This is a great blog Henrietta, fantastic that you went beyond your initial comfort zone and so have kept evolving, ‘It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to. But as time went on we were granted many opportunities to explore the things that stopped us from evolving in our relationship.’
Relationships become about surrendering, we inevitably can not hold on to individuality. This doesn’t mean compromising, but it does mean if there is true connection, one must realise that to ‘get self out of the way’ is key in growing and loving a relationship.
What I find inspiring about this article is the honesty and openness about that fact that it has not all been ‘rose-tinted’ glasses. This debunks all the images we have about the perfect relationship and any deviance from this signalling the ‘wrongness’ of our relationship. For the first time in my life I am seeing the challenges that come up in relationships as opportunities for change and growth, not imminent and inevitable disaster and break up.
Yes, Matilda, getting rid of the images and the rose-tinted glasses off allows a deeper level of relationship and intimacy to unfold.
Those images create such an illusion, when we cut through them much more can open for everyone and relationships can become so much more true in the love that is available.
Thank you Henrietta for expressing what takes us to the heart of true, evolving and ever expanding relationships.
The love and care we show for one another whilst honestly communicating, expressing and taking responsibility for our part in the relationship is the key; as you have so clearly and wisely shown us.
I find the more challenging a relationship, the greater opportunity I have to learn to express more lovingly.
What a great learning and I am sure very challenging at times. Rising to that challenge can be an awesome experience when handled in the love that we are.
Very inspiring to read Henrietta, the courage that you both had to go there and open up to each other, and your commitment to dealing with your stuff. So true that the stuff we choose not to resolve is just waiting there for us and crops up again and again, until we finally face it and deal with it. Thank you for sharing what is possible when we are committed to healing ourselves and evolving.
Hello Henrietta and I have had the blessing of witnessing the relationship you and your husband have together. You both shine as individuals and yet when you are together that shine isn’t diminished. You are great people and then together a great couple. It speaks volumes for how you are, the quality you live with each other, with yourselves and with everything else.
“Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.” Yes Henrietta, we carry all of those hurts like a suit of armour, keeping the other out and stopping us from going deeper with our relationship and love. Only when we can surrender to our bodies and feel the truth of us, do we see the other as equally love-filled and can move past whatever may be in the way, from that great love.
Thank you for sharing Henrietta, its so cool what you share with us all, certain relationships can be very confronting, but if we only surrendered our hurts in all our relationships and shared the true intimacy that is truly there, to share with each other, allowing the other to see and feel the whole of us, to know what we’re truly feeling and to be honest with each other lovingly. In being and sharing this way with each other, it will have a ripple effect in all our relationships. We have to face our stuff.
‘Beautifully said Henrietta. And, in the end, it is not ‘ to divorce -or not’ that matters – it is the care, regard and love we hold each other in as we develop our relationship to wherever it needs to go. We only take into the next what we haven’t resolved in the previous.
Thank you Henrietta for such an inspiring blog, reminding us that every relationship is important and needs to be worked on, in particular with those we live intimately with. No perfection is required, but permission to be ourselves, express from our heart and call out what is not loving or respectful and caring.
We learn so much when we do not run away from the challenging things that invariably come up in relationships. The most important thing that I find is to remember that my primary relationship is with myself and if I focus on that then the relationships I have with others are much easier and more loving.
Committing to working through things in my relationship is one of the wisest things I have ever done, I have learnt so much from my husband.
The commitment you both have made to your relationship is true commitment based on the love you both have for your own soulful expansion and beyond your relationship to humanity. This is a beautiful reflection for others of what is possible when we choose love , honesty and integrity first. Thanks Henrietta .
Appreciation is one of the keys to keeping a relationship from going backwards.
So often in relationships we make it about the other person and we are quick to jump ship thinking that things would be different if we had another partner. We are mirrors for each other and with the reflection that another offers us we can explore the hurts that we carry. When we commit to working through those hurts within a relationship there is a huge potential for an enormous amount of love.
If not for Serge and Miranda Benhayon who have reflected to us what a truly loving relationship looks most of us would not have the relationships we have today. These two have inspired thousands of couples to work on their relationships consistently, to heal, deepen and develop them to their potential.
When we feel a connection with someone as you’ve shared in your blog Henrietta, we can choose to embark on and develop a ‘functional’ and ‘convenient’ relationship, or we can truly embrace this connection and build a super solid foundation of love to express from.
We are the ones that determine how many times we are wanting to dance around and around in the same movements with each other; or, to continually deepen the quality of our moves and therefore our love.
‘But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.’
When we appreciate relationships as part of a cycle; inevitably we will come to face everything we have left behind – both loving choices and unloving ones – it makes perfect sense to bring our all, and not assume we can walk away from something we are unwilling to look at.
A brilliant example of what responsibility looks like and the blessing that it is when we embrace it. In this case, opening up great depth and discovery in relationships.
Henrietta, it is very supportive to re-read your article and super inspiring how you worked on your relationship with your husband.
I can feel how in the past I had a romantic idea that relationships should be perfect, that when you found ‘the one’ we should live ‘happy ever after’, I now know this is not reality and that we are in relationships to evolve and that hurts come up for us to deal with, it feels very beautiful in relationships to work on old hurts and to evolve and deepen the love we hold for ourselves and each other.
Pre the support from the Universal Medicine counselling practitioners this sounds like many relationships I know. In a cycle of being stuck, ups and downs, frustration, resentment and the convenience of being together all getting too much.. most decide to walk as it gets too hard but what is awesome here is that you worked through and fought for what you initially felt at the very beginning. Letting go and communicating has much worth to it and seeking support when you need it so you can get honest with each other is super cool. Like every relationship we all need to work at them and not take them for granted.
Thank-you for this very real and honest account of your relationship with your partner. Choosing to be responsible for our part in a relationship can sometimes be hard and feel quite uncomfortable at the time, but as you have shown here Henrietta, it is well worth the choice to do that.
“. . . these issues are very small matters indeed, and are nothing compared to what we now bring as love and appreciation of each other.” When approached with love, issues are very small matters indeed. It’s the self imposed fear of allowing a deeper vulnerability with another that seems to become the big hidden issue that turns the daily life scenarios of whether the rubbish is out or not into an issue.
It requires an openness and willingness to be truly honest with ourselves and our partner if our relationships are to be deeply loving and evolving.
All relationships offer us a point of reflection so it makes total sense to me in that the quality of my livingness I bring to every relationship is my responsibility. For without the dedication and commitment to myself and my own path I simply keep going around and around in relationships that are functional, comfortable and are not true.
It is important to not lose sight of the connection and what brought a relationship together in the first place. We can either focus on building and strengthening the connection or we can choose to indulge in our hurts and distract ourselves from deepening the relationship with one another.
I love this level of responsibility and awareness – “But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again”. How many times do we not learn and keep going and going and going repeating the same ‘mistake’ and not learning from what is presented. It is only until we realise that ‘we’ are the common denominator and decide to look at what is truly going on as you have so gracefully showed us is possible.
I find that it is easy in all areas of life to settle for being comfortable. It is absurd but I have noticed that I can at times relate to relationships having a familar discord as ‘comfortable’ compared to the ‘imagined discomfort’ of what it might be like if I rock the boat by being transparent with what is going on for me. Yet I have noticed when we commit to love, care, honesty and expansion there is a power and vitality in the relationship that is well worth facing any of the transient hurdles and demons that may come up for us to deal with.
Relationships are tough. I respect anyone who is totally committed to working through the issues and feelings that arise within any relationship. It is so easy to run away or numb and distract ourselves. To stay and face it all, feel it all and work with it all is courageous, loving and commendable. Any work that anyone does in this way lays the ground work for others to do the same, therefore it is healing on a wider scale than just two people. The world needs us to commit to healing in this way.
Transparency in the way I communicate is a key so that I am open to bring an expression to all my relationships that allows there to be evolution for all involved, if it is so chosen for everyone has a choice to evolve. True expression is what connects us through a choice that is in our every movement, so I move in a way so that when I express it is me expressing and this is simply by choosing to move with myself. What I am referring to is conscious presence, so that every part of me to the best of my ability is with what ever I am doing while I am doing it, so I move with myself! For me this movement has not happened over night it is still a work in practice after 12 years of attending the presentations by Serge Benhayon. Just like Henrietta I am continually working on all my relationships, communication and expression for I am the only one who can heal the ill issues I have!
A beautiful sharing, Greg, summarising the consistent commitment you have developed over the years to feeling and expressing from the truth of what you feel moment by moment in your body. This is such a strong foundation for then being in relationship with others.
It is only through relationships that our lack of love for ourselves and each other can be exposed and then worked on. A great example of this fact here in your deeply appreciated blog Henrietta. Thank you.
Hello Henrietta and I can very much relate to this blog and the title. When a relationship gets to a certain point you either make the choice to put your head down and ignore a feeling or separate from it. I have seen this in many things and not only just associate this to a person relationship, work, friends, a group anything really. What you are saying is true in that if you don’t deal with what you are truly feeling and walk away carrying something, it will certainly surface somewhere else until you deal with everything that is there for you. We only think we can separate or in your example divorce and make it go away because we see the physical distance this brings, but there is much more to life then just what we see physically.
Thank you Henrietta. What this shows me is that it is absolutely worthwhile to look at every undealt with hurt that presents itself, as this is a grand opportunity to heal it forever and thus having less and less issues that can come between any relationship.
“But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.” This is so true and a beautiful thing to learn. Relationships are not just there to function and have a perfect partnership no, relationships are there for us to heal hurts and issues we carry and to deepen our love for ourself, the other and everyone else. To be more of ourselves so we can reflect that more to everyone else and are also inspired to be more of themselves too.
And this is very joyful too! Nothing brings more joy than knowing you are living the truth.
Very well said, Lieke – “relationships are there for us to heal hurts and issues we carry and to deepen our love for ourself, the other and everyone else.” It helps to let go of the ‘pictures’ we carry about how relationships should be, so that we can just be real with ourselves and the other in exploring what is there to learn and grow from together.
Just as no man or woman is an island nor are a couple or family (or location or nation) we can learn from and teach via reflection to others how to be in relationships. I love what you shared here Henrietta that with a willingness to let go of what is not you and be more open with another it allows another and others to do the same.
Communication is the key or is it to communicate is the key? To me I have found until we express we are holding back our communication so we are virtually treading water thus going no where and as our expression is every thing do not hold back expressing.
When a point of tension comes up in a relationship I see this as an opportunity for me to look at what patterns and re-actions I am in that are contributing to the situation. This helps to bring it back to me and what I can change, rather than placing expectations on to others.
“We can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.” This to me is the magic of life, the fact that we never meet someone by coincidence but that there is always something deeper to connect to and to learn from as TO why and how did we constellate together. To me two people meeting connect to a collective source that only can be sourced in that relationship and that is a great thing to be aware and in full appreciation off all of the time.
Thank you, Henrietta for being so honest about your relationship. I am really touched by the level of transparency you bring in sharing your learning and appreciation for the support you have benefited from in the process of deepening your relationship with your partner. It encourages myself and no doubt others to open up more about what is often kept behind closed doors.
When we get to that point in a relationship where we know something has to shift, there is nothing like the honesty and commitment that’s required in couples counselling to bring true change to this partnership. Sometimes that means no longer living together and other times it requires staying together and getting to know each other much more intimately, but either way the commitment to working together deepens the relationship whichever of those two directions the relationship takes.
Thank you Henrietta for your very supportive article on what a true relationship looks and feels like.
Bringing honesty, understanding , respect and appreciation for ourselves and our partner is what I am taking away with me.
I love the honest way you have expressed the highs and lows you were willing to go through because you both valued your relationship, understanding that for it to keep evolving it was, even if at times a huge struggle to have to deal with the issues that came up, a very necessary struggle. By not giving up on the relationship or choosing to settle for the uncomfortable ‘comfortable’ stagnation that many relationships accept as good enough and being willing to keep attending to even the small details when they come up shows a true commitment to keep continuing to evolve in your relationship with each other and with yourselves and is truly inspiring to read.
The main thing I got from relationship counselling through Universal Medicine practitioners was the space and unconditional attention reflected back to me so I felt met and that I was not always wrong for what I was feeling and thinking. It allowed me to see my part in poor communication and expression and to be able to let go of much hurt.
I get so much out of reading your relationship blogs Henrietta. Your expression of your experiences has so much to offer humanity. At the end of the day, we all have to do the hard yards and feel what we are not willing to let go of, or as you say, it will all come back to haunt us again and again until we do and at the end of the day what we are avoiding is the thing we all want the most in our relationships and that is to feel a deep loving intimate relationship with ourselves and others.
‘Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.’ What an honest appraisal of your relationship at that time Henrietta and one I am sure many of us can relate to. When I felt this in my own relationships there was always an emptiness felt and a sense of ‘there has to be more.’ In the past I would choose to walk away at these times, whereas now I can see them as stop moments offering an opportunity to connect more deeply.
This certainly dispels the myth of ‘happily ever after’ as I imagine most relationships require commitment and uncomfortable moments if they are to continue to deepen and expand the potential that particular union has to offer.
If our focus is on building love with ourselves and others, the issues and misunderstandings that crop up can be attended to with much more ease – and in fact attending to each issue or misunderstanding is an opportunity to deepen that love.
When we get to that point in a relationship where we know something has to shift, there is nothing like the honesty and commitment that’s required in couples counselling to bring true change to this partnership. Sometimes that means no longer living together and other times staying together and getting to know each other much more intimately, but either way the commitment to working together deepens the relationship whichever direction the relationship takes.
To bring more understanding and appreciation to my relationships allows for less reaction and the need to protect myself from being hurt.
In terms of forever deepening our relationships, it requires an openness and willingness to allow ourselves to be loved more and allow others in, past the levels that we were previously comfortable with.
“The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.” This says it all Henrietta, a true appreciation of each other, what you each bring and the light that this constellation offers to everyone. That’s very beautiful!
For me what I am learning is that the dilemmas and issues I feel in relationships are really unspoken communication. I’ve been focusing on that and observing how expressing something unspoken can unlock a stalemate or stuckness.
Henrietta, thanks to yourself and your husband, and many other couples who have committed to true love and to each other, we have these amazing role models, showing us the way a true relationship can look like. Very inspiring and beautiful to see and feel.
Our life is like a constant tango with the truth, yet so often we dance around the real issues. Whilst it can be challenging I love what you share here Henrieta, for it reminds me that the yuckiest part is becoming serious, mean and hard and loosing the rhythm of life’s beat. We are here to sway and swagger, groove and gracefully step into every moment full of joy and play and knowing that this dance is our way.
Thank you for writing this, I have been married for twenty years and can relate to all that you have shared here. For me I held onto a fear of falling more in love with my husband “what happens if I love him more deeply? how much will it hurt if he ever left me?” – It felt unsafe and unwise to love someone that deeply. As I learn to love myself more deeply, I have began to understand love and trust love more. This means it is beginning to feel safe to surrender to allowing that amount of love into my life regardless of the consequences.
It is awesome to be reminded that we cannot run away from the problems we create with others as we are the common denominator when it comes to relationships and everything we experience is an outward projection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
At the outset of a new relationship this article is pure inspiration. Thank you.
It’s so easy to try to ‘fix’ things from within a relationship – to not accept that there is a pattern or cycle that we might be stuck in that is dead set on creating separation. To recognise that support is needed is the first very big step in healing the hurts and rifts. It reflects a willingness to work together and brings a deeper commitment to love.
The belief that a relationship is going somewhere is an illusion. As we are not going anywhere and are in constant movement, the same goes for our relationships. There is no end result or something to ‘reach’, as we are forever deepening, learning, evolving and unfolding.
It may be challenging going through these issues and tensions but the amount we learn about ourselves and each other and hence the deeper level of love that can be shared through this understanding makes the process more than worth every step.
‘…an exquisite and strong relationship that is forever deepening in the love that we share with each other.’ this shows beautifully (along with the whole blog) just how in true relationship this is no end point, it does not stop and it is forever evolving.
Henrietta, I deeply appreciate how open you are with your relationship as it is such a gift for people to read. It really shows the importance of communication – how this is an every-deepening experience that need never stop, and will continue to take the relationship to the next level should we allow it.
I really thought relationships were just about getting to a point where everything was ‘going well’ but the thing is a relationship is something that needs constant work and commitment in order to keep evolving.
We cannot give up on the responsibility to live true relationships when we are not in a partner relationship. We can always take this responsibility with ourselves, in fact, it would be wise to do so. A true relationship is medicine. The world needs all the reflections they can get of what a true relationship is, as we are deeply lost in this area. Relationships, what most people are seeking for, take up such a big part of our lives, and currently for most of us, it is the poison that is killing us.
We have got to let go of the damaging picture that a relationship looks a certain way. A relationship is true when there is constant deepening, whether that is with another person or with ourselves. The truth of relationships is that there is never any comfort, this does not mean it has to be difficult, as whether something feels hard or not depends on how willing we are to take responsibility and express our forever deepening love, and there is always joy when we honestly do so.
It is a very beautiful and deeply touching experience to be truly transparent with another…
The level of honesty and commitment in your relationship is very inspiring Henrietta…and both your ability to stay connected to what was true and not settle for less
Always far more deeper to go with relationships, but there does come a time where the pitched battle to be right starts to die away and something magical begins to emerge…but you do need to work at it.
Your honesty is refreshing Henrietta. Too often we think we’re the only ones experiencing difficulties in our relationships with a sense of failure which can lead us to not seeking the help we sorely need but by speaking out as you have and sharing your experience it opens up discussion with the possibility for loving resolution. To have a true relationship can at times require a great deal of loving understanding both of ourselves and our partner.
This article is really supportive. It helps me understand and remember not to be complacent with myself or my partner and to keep stepping forward and surrendering into the love we know we have for each other.
It’s probably fair to say that most of us have experienced conflict and tension in our closest of relationships. I deeply appreciate what you’ve shared here Henrietta, as there have been times in my own closest relationships where I’ve felt challenged to the bone, yet held an absolute knowing that I needed to meet what was there before me – and not shirk or distract from all that it presented.
This willingness to go there – both personally, and as a couple – has brought a richness to the relationship I now share with my husband, that I never once could have imagined. And a knowing and ever-deepening learning of just what the true nature and ‘real deal’ of love is all about. It is most certainly no ‘sugar coated ideal’… To truly live love takes awareness, commitment (in full), playfulness, the deepest of appreciation… and a willingness to always be open to healing and dissolving the barriers that we have willfully created to all that love is. Our relationships offer us everything we could ever look to experience in this respect. It’s up to us if we are willing to go there…
The over-riding message I hear you sharing here Henrietta is one of commitment – and not commitment in a ’til death do us part’ way, but a commitment to healing, in the realisation that if we are at all triggered to react in any relationship, there is a learning ground there for us if we choose. A ground where we may traverse well-worn patterns of protection, defence, hurt… of control, domination, submission… whatever the ways we’ve chosen, we know them oh so well…
And, we have the capacity to heal the hurts of our past that have led to such ways of being.
The feeling of desolation that comes with a relationship that does not work is all too familiar. We have a relationship with desolation and that relationship may be totally detrimental to our own relationship. So, rising to new horizons requires working on the space that desolation occupies in each one.
The truth is that a stuck relationship is a very heavy weight we choose as travelling companion. It is a decision about how we aspire to move in life.
The tango metaphor is a really good one. For the relationship to work, each one has to do its part but always in regard to the whole. When we disconnect from the relationship we also disconnect from ourselves.
This is truly inspiring. What I did find more interesting was how different it feels being in a stuck relationship where both go their way and there is almost no common ground, compared to feeling that the common ground is aligned to the individual grounds.
Relating relationship to the analogy of a couple practicing the dance of tango is great… there really has to be a commitment towards self and with the other for the steps to flow in sync.
It’s inspiring that you guys are not settling for the false illusion that you’ve done the hard work and now you can sit back in comfort and grow old together. That you’re both aligned, dedicated and committed to forever deepening your love for yourselves and eachother is huge, and rare.
It’s pretty common for us to settle for convenience and function in a relationship, and it’s certainly not limited to the romantic kind. I can think of several relationships I’ve had with people both in the past and today where I hold back being who I truly am so as to both protect myself and not ruffle any feathers. The question begs to be asked…who at the end of the day is benefitting from this deceit?
Working on our stuff is the most valuable thing we can do for our on sake and for the quality of our relationships wherever we go.
What’s so beautiful to read here Henrietta is that despite the many challenges in your relationship, you have both equally been committed to getting to the bottom of it. Both prepared to go the distance and deal with the hurts, and continue to do so as your relationship forever evolves. That’s amazing in itself!
What you have shared Henrietta is what we can bring to all relationships, making them about honest communication and love.
Your commitment Henrietta and your partner’s is inspiring and shows the work required to deepen and live the potential of what a relationship can offer us in our lives, and those around us. In my relationship, similar to you we have had our challenges, but the willingness to make it about love, truth and growing together has become stronger than our hurts. As we stop blaming and communicate with honesty we are becoming more intimate. It is a wonderful dance, as you say, the dance of truth. Truth supports…hurt destroys.
This is such an honest blog about the challenges we are faced with in relationships. In my experience it is very true that we come with our hurts and unresolved things and somehow there is often a hidden expectation that our partners will be a certain way and if they don’t fit that picture then all ‘hell’ can break loose. We can feel unloved, disrespected, and so forth simply because our expectation and idea of how it should be is not met. Often these expectations and ideas are there to protect us from feeling those old hurts that we have not healed. But if we begin to become aware and give power and commitment to our relationship rather than to the hurts, it is the opening of what could potentially be a very deeply loving relationship with another.
This is one of the many keys in relationship not leaving things unresolved, as it does not go away, it just gets tucked away and brews, closing the door more and more on ourselves and our partner, with blame, protection, and whatever strategy we use to take a stand.
For any relationship to be open and real, to feel the exquisiteness of closeness, connection and love, to deepen and deepen, there is work to be done. First on ourselves and then with our partner. The courage to be honest and share what is going on for us, without blame…this is a building block for a relationship to communicate what is going on and listening to each other. That is making the relationship about love and not being right.
This is another fantastic blog ‘Unconditional Love’ – on relationships, communication and our understanding of Love – what are our conditions and do we hold the other in Love even when they can not do the same for us..? Reading this blog over the weekend really supported me in coming out of a sticky situation with my partner where our communication was lacking and protection was starting to take over. For me, feeling the shutting down of ourselves hurts far greater than any issue that crops up to be dealt with.
True union can only come from a point of surrender – letting go of all our pictures of what the ‘perfect’ relationship looks like and being willing to see it all, the seeming ‘good’ and ‘bad’. These polar opposites in-truth do not exist, nor is there any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. There is only what is of truth and what is not of this truth that we live with each other. How much we are willing to live what is true will determine the strength of our connection with each other.
Weaved through this blog is the utter importance of communication and how this can be the make or break point in relationships. I am learning this in my relationship where expression is a must, but I can not expect anything or invest in what the other will do with what I express. It is my responsibility to say how I feel and that offers a space for the other to question or bring further understanding to what they may be feeling too.
Henrietta, you offer a great reflection of the willingness to be in a true relationship and not just a comfortable arrangement where there can be no true movement/evolution. It is true that we get stuck in our relationships with others, romantic or otherwise and although we often stay in the ensuing paralysis, deep down we know that there is more to it than this. It takes great honesty and courage to allow ourselves to be truly transparent with each other so that we can love each other intimately, as we are designed to do.
Thank you for being so honest Henrietta in your relationship and process of evolution – it is obvious that all the hard work and dedication to the relationship has paid off and will continue to do so by virtue of what you both bring as a couple. The more true relationships we have in the world the greater the reflection of love is and the inspiration can flow like a ripple effect to all we encounter.
Relationships are something we constantly need to reflect on and evolve with; but many of us do not currently do this. If we are with a partner, friend or family patterns and routines that are not supportive all to easily fall into place that can then become stagnant. A relationship is something that should be seen as constantly flowing, growing and expanding, it makes perfect sense but not something I was concious of until meeting Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
You show us another way in relationships Henrietta, and you didn’t water down how hard it can be. But what stands out so beautifully, is the commitment that you have both put in, to truly wanting your relationship to work, as it would seem easier to just let it go. Great that you both chose to stay with what is true and reflect for us all a truly loving way forward in relationships.
I like how you show that although we can work at relationships ourselves sometimes we need outside support to support us further and allow us greater understanding.
It is truly appreciated to feel the commitment you have both chosen to stay with whatever presents that needs addressing. It is a wonderful, very called for reflection to anyone in any relationship. Staying may seem harder in the beginning but there is no residual pain to linger, prod and undermine the full potential of what is truly available in connecting to someone in true love and appreciation of who we both are.
Gosh this was a timely read. I can feel the need to get support with a relationship and the patterns we have gone into which is not loving.
Relationships are a continual commitment to ourselves and others, it is easy to reach a place of complacency where we get stuck in the comfort that things are ok and we get stuck before we know it. True loving relationships require us to keep evolving and embracing more of the love that we are.
Building a foundation in a relationship is so important, and sadly not talked about often enough. Laying a true foundation provides the groundwork that nourishes the relationship – providing a platform to grow continually.
Spot on Kylie, foundations are key – and I would say they are key in all parts of our lives – in relationships, at work, with self care etc. A foundation simply represents an established marker, something you know you will not drop below no matter what And as you have said, this foundation is the groundwork that allows the next step in growth. Foundations are well worth while nurturing – for how can you build a solid house if the foundation is shaky?
Meeting my husband was one of the greatest joys in my life, and still is. Learning how to develop true intimacy together is a whole other matter! I haven’t experienced the rollercoaster ride with him as was described here but I do recognise the challenges inherent in really surrendering in a relationship. There is always more to unfold, feel and understand… to bring. And that too is a joy.
Victoria – I love what you have shared here so honestly – that you had so much joy meeting your husband, yet found it challenging to develop true intimacy! This is a common trend for many of us as women I feel. Intimacy seems to be a foreign ball game for many of us. And yet it is this that brings us together like nothing else. Like with all relationships, I feel that the more we work on these things within ourselves first, the more we can then bring this to the other or others and Intimacy falls in the same basket. For me the challenge has been to allow the intimacy with myself so I can then bring this to my husband. And the intimacy comes from touching base with myself through the day on how I am, how I am feeling, how each situation actually feels to me, to really listen to myself and what it is going on, to treat myself tenderly etc. It is so much more than what we are conditioned to understand it as in our current society.
To continue this line of thinking: sometimes it is equally true for a relationship to dissolve – this can be equally evolutionary.
I so agree, we have to be truly discerning and connect deeply within as to which call is to be made for both people to evolve.
There is always a next’ X ‘ – a next point of evolution – to move to, be it for ourselves as individuals or as a couple, family, household, group, community… and so on. Taking an ‘always in development’ stance in our relationships means they are more likely to stay fresh and true. A double bonus.
How gorgeous Henrietta that you and your husband were able to move through the hurdles together. It feels to me as if the solid connection you felt – and the foundations you laid – in the beginning of your relationship supported you both enormously throughout the deepening process.
Any relationship can have fairytale moments but a real long term relationship definitely requires commitment and a willingness to work at it. I find that expressing and being willing to look at situation is such a crucial part of continuing to develop things, and that this doesn’t have to be serious but can actually be fun. It is all about how we approach it. I love your sharing Henrietta, such honesty that inspires me that working at a partnership is the way to take it to a depth or love and caring that otherwise could never happen.
Thanks Stephen – and what you say highlights for me the fact that we are conditioned by society (especially as girls and women) that relationships ‘should’ be of fairy tale quality and that they should stay as the ‘honey moon phase’. But the reality as you have so beautifully said is that relationships require work. Likewise you have also said that this (work on the relationships) does not have to be a dreary or awful thing, but that with this groundwork, we have so much more to stand upon for the next step.
We all carry a responsibility to look after our relationships and not allow any kind of abuse. We have the choice to run away from this responsibility or to take it and enjoy the beauty of harmlessness.
Spot on Felix – and so many times I did want to run away from the situation and how our relationship was too! But I chose to stay and thankfully my husband was also open to working on things. But as you have said, it is so important to not allow abuse of any kind at any stage in any relationship – this is part of our responsibility too in a relationship where we need to look at how we are with the other, and how the other is with us. And guess what – this never ends, it is an ongoing process which just allows the relationship to deepen all of the time!
Yes and that goes for all types of relationships, just everyone we connect to in any way.
Travelling the road to truly deepen a relationship and resolve long buried hurts as you describe, Henrietta, certainly can be “a hard road to travel” but it is one without any doubt one that is worth any hardships encountered. All that is required is to be totally open, honest, truthful and loving.
This is an incredibly supportive and selfless piece of writing. Thank you, Henrietta, for sharing so openly and honestly about the challenges you have faced in your relationship. What is not to be inspired by when I can feel the commitment and love you have for your husband?
“The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together” – yes, evolving in partnership is so very beautiful, well worth the work, and equally worth the wait too…Settling never being an option for a desired cherished love that’s true and clear.
“Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other” – it’s only when we begin to enter (as i found with internet dating), or are already in a relationship that these hurts come up to be dealt with to clear a space for love to be there. Your example Henrietta shows that having another is essential to evolving because of the reflection each reflect towards a greater love, from a point of hurt. A greater love that becomes the precursor to evolution, the truth in all relationships.
Spot on Doug – thank you! we do bring baggage to our relationships but often we don’t realise what we are carrying unless we have another to reflect that back to us! And so in each and every relationship we get offered the opportunity for growth and evolution, the question is do we take it? And no matter what relationship we are in and no matter how harmonious it seems to have gotten, the moment we stop working on it, then we are in effect saying no to more growth and more evolution, for it seems to be an endless process. Relationships with ourselves and with others are indeed there for us to deepen constantly.
Relationships offer a beautiful opportunity to deal with our past hurts, to be love and receive love, to grow and evolve – should we so choose. There is always the choice to ignore the opportunity offered and to skirt around the issues.
No coincidence you are together alright, you not only have built a foundation that is love and truth but you are also a couple that are now reflecting this to everyone around you and that we can all have relationships like this if we choose.
I love this expression Henrietta – “This is practising a tango with truth…” How awesome, especially when we look at the expression of a well danced Tango 🙂 .
I feel this is such a strong statement Henrietta and so true: “The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.” There are no coincidences and that goes for relationships too. Thank you for your awesome sharing.
How many of us can say this too: “Both of us carried many hurts from previous relationships, and we also had certain views and ideas that were restricting us from deepening our connection and expressing more love for each other.” And so many tend to give up and it all ends sour. With the help of Universal Medicine and the presentations of Serge Benhayon we have such awesome opportunity to learn to connect to self first, deal with our hurts and then out a more whole way of being we can be with each other more and more not in reaction and out of hurt, but in the understanding of where reactions come from and how to deal with them.
The potential of our relationships is everything; our connection to each other is why we exist. To live in harmony is our deepest yearning. The lack of it is the root cause of all wars.
Thank you Henrietta for such an honest and beautiful sharing. I am in a marriage, and this relationship is about the most challenging aspect of my life, and has been for some time. It reflects so much; but I now understand that without addressing it and the relationship also with myself I have no solid foundation with which to walk around in in the world. Even if everything looks rosy in my work life and social life and all appears great on the outside, in reality the disfunction is an energy which is picked up sub consciously by everyone and I’m only kidding myself on so many levels.
What I am also touched by re-reading this blog is how strong community support can be, and I have also found this to be true in my own recent experiences. It feels really powerful to make relationships about a bigger picture that involves everyone around you, rather than keeping it very private and just between the two of you. At the end of the day, everyone wants the same thing which is for a relationship to be able to evolve, no matter what that looks like on a temporal level, and sometimes we need others to assist with this process.
A relationship built on a solid friendship sets it off to a good start and it’s inevitable that road blocks will occur as our old hurts get triggered, and sometimes they can seem insurmountable. Yet if we can face it together and are prepared to work through it we eventually will break through to a deeper level of love and intimacy. It’s great to deeply appreciate this and also to know that there is no end – it is an ever-deepening process bringing us back to being Love.
Henrietta, it’s true that we do go around and around and if we don’t deal with our issues they keep coming up until we do. It might come in a different form, such as a new relationship, and how often do we see someone ‘marrying their father or mother’ or choosing a partner much like the last one. And having to deal with the same old, same old until they make different choices.
Henrietta, I so enjoyed reading your blog and what stands out for me is how much you were both committed to the relationship. It’s lovely that both of you were willing to work to bring more love to your relationship and you have now built a solid foundation of love that no “issues” can shake. In fact, in the light of such love, there really are no issues unless we focus on them instead of the love within.
Whether we are in partner relationships or friendships the absolute beauty of relationships is that we get an opportunity to deal with so many unresolved hurts that we may not be even fully aware is there until we enter the relationship/friendship. It just goes to show that other people are intrinsically linked to our own evolution.
It is a beautiful thing to work through issues together in a relationship even though it can be rocky at times. Once harmony is achieved over a particular issue I know there will be others for us to work through along the way. This is how relationships evolve and deepen.
The beauty of working on our selves and all our stuff and hurts we hold really does allow for a love appreciation and understanding in our relationships and our lives . This deeper connection with others is so beautiful and expansive and allows an ever deepening evolving for us to go to if we choose it .
Its interesting when you make that comment about no physical abuse, but door slamming and shouting were commonplace. How often is this the case? Not only that, but that the arguments and outbursts are allowed simply because they are not violence… and yet their effect on the body, on the people in and around the relationship are still immense. It is abuse and something that should not be accepted as normal.
It’s great to read about how committed you are to keep the ship afloat so to speak but not only that you seem to know that the wind in your sails had to be filled with joy as well.
Reading your blog Henrietta I felt how paramount commitment is in any relationship. Otherwise it just stays static and goes stale. Every relationship is teaching us to open up and let us be witness in full, in all our glory by the other.
Without working our way out of the hurts we have identified with and hence tend to hold onto, we cannot have love-filled and forever deepening relationships with people but will always be in the devastation of that one key element in life that’s missing.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with relationships publicly; usually that is something not openly talked about and hence we don´t inspire and support each other as couples, showing that there is a way that really works as can be felt and seen by others through the way a couple interacts with each other. We immediately know what is true and what is not as we all innately recognise true respect, love, trust, intimacy, commitment, dedication… We need role models that help us to overcome the age-old misery of miserable, mediocre marriages and relationships.
Most relationships are missing purpose, purpose that is greater than everything that may be challenging when developing a truly loving and intimate partnership. It is the purpose that makes it possible to choose love over hurt.
Relationship is not just happening, it needs to be constantly worked at; not as an irksome duty although at times it can be very challenging and unpleasant but with the understanding of getting out of the way everything that is not of love. If we weren´t carrying so many hurts and protections with us into relationship there wouldn´t be the need to heal them, but then it is relationship that brings up all the buried stuff in the first place.
‘This is practising a tango with truth’ now that is a dance worth actually moving too.
Yep love that too 🙂 Awesome dance indeed!!
This is a very inspiring and heartening read Henrietta.
It can never be the partner, friend, family member, etc. that is responsible for us being ourselves. Yet, almost everyone is measuring the amount of Love that they show in comparison to where the other is at. I’ve noticed that I do the same. Being honest about my past intimate relationships I can see that the relationships never really ended, even though I separated. I can feel the little boy in me who’s waiting and sheltering in order to be ‘safe’. But being ‘safe’ isn’t being me. There’s a choice to be made to surrender to life by saying yes to it as well as allowing myself to feel the pain and grieve. Rather than ‘acting’ strong and independent. It is beautiful to come back to this knowing, although not always easy.
I love how you describe yourselves as a ‘Team’, Henrietta. It’s so true that in any relationship we can support each other side by side and build an incredible platform to work from, where you are both assisted by the strength of one another/the team.
Relationships are a dance. But we do not get good at dancing without practice, and sometimes we find someone who we dance really well with. But even then it takes time and development to become the amazing duo that you can really be.
No matter how much we think we have dealt with something in a relationship by smoothing it over or turning a blind eye to it, we live in cycles and those cycles guarantee that we come around to the same place time of time… this confirms where we are at and if we have truly made changes that are loving or not.
For my husband and I, being our anniversary today, it is always a telling or confirming time of how our relationship is…. every year for the past 16 years it has been the same, everything that has been left to deal with later always arises around this time. A very interesting and wonderful opportunity to reveal what is there to be healed and deepened and what our next steps are.
The absolute commitment you have to your relationship is awesome. I feel that for me it is important to build a consistent level of commitment to myself first before entering into a relationship. If I am not committed to myself, how can I be committed to anyone else? Your story is inspiring.
Something that has stuck with me since I first heard it was that our lowest or most disharmonious relationship is the marker for all of our relationships. This is huge as we like to think we can be different with different people, however ‘even’ our best relationships are all being affected by what we might consider our ‘worst relationships’.
Beautifully expressed Richard. We cannot escape relationships or our hurts full stop. If both parties are willing it is definitely worth working together to heal our hurts and the more honest we are prepared to be with ourselves and the other people in our lives the better chance we have of doing just that.
I am so inspired by what you share Henrietta. By choosing to truly commit to your relationship you offer the whole world a gift.
Beautifully shared, Richard. There is always so much we can learn from each other and this is what life is really about.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing your counselling experience and the benefits of making the effort to work things out, which in this case seems to have worked out well. My husband and I were advised by a friend of mine for many years to communicate with each other and we both stubbornly believed that we were doing ok, but in actual fact we were still holding back and in a sense missing out on so much. Now after taking some advise from an Esoteric Counsellor we are starting to see the wisdom behind what we were told all those years ago. Even though it is early days we know there is so much more to discover about each other.
Henrietta thank you for your deeply honest account of your relationship and the reality of the fact that relationships take work, work on ourselves and then with communication. With that the real purpose of why people are together can come out.
Thank you Henrietta, your sharing brings a realness and the purpose of relationships.
Thank you Henrietta for such a beautifully honest and open sharing about your relationship and the steps you both took to heal any hurts that got in the way of you both deepening the love and respect for each other – very inspiring to read.
“The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together” – love this Henrietta, love the clarity that truth provides to show how worth it really is.
“…..but I cannot begin to express how worthwhile it has been to lay the groundwork and foundation for our relationship as husband and wife: groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other” –
Refreshingly honest post Henrietta, and to not walk away, but to remain in it together working to change the former foundation of your relationship via your “tango with truth” knowing of the relationship’s potential in great love, is very inspiring. What is equally inspiring is both you and your husbands resoluteness towards love that today is very beautiful to see; you are such a gorgeous couple and family.
We take everything with us into the next relationship… all we have learnt from the last one as well as all our unresolved issues – even if we try to do things differently it will only be another flavour of the same issue.
Love the honesty you bring here Henrietta… relationships can be seen to be perfect on the outside and what truly goes on is hidden away. The truth is we all have issues in relationship and it is so refreshing to be able to express all that is going on for us, lay it all out on the table and commit to change.
What stands out for me in your blog Henrietta is how worthwhile our dedication and commitment to ourselves and to each other can completely turn our lives around.
Henrietta your blog is testament to the fact that we are love and even when covered over by hurts it still comes through to offer us there is a way forward. Whether as partners or friends we deep down want love to prevail because we know it is true to our nature.
Communication and commitment…..to vital ingredients of a deepening and evolving relationship.
Thank you Henrietta for your beautifully open and honest sharing, you show that it is possible to get off the merry-go-round of convenience and function and return to a more loving way with each other. It can feel like the last thing you want to do when things are painful and difficult but reaching out for support, and being willing to deal with the hard issues, has obviously been extremely worthwhile in allowing you both to deepen your understanding and love for each other. Truly inspiring.
I’ve found that whenever we don’t deal with something in one relationship, the same issue invariably shows up in another at some point! Thanks for sharing your inspiring story Henrietta and your tango with truth, honesty and a commitment to yourselves.
‘ we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.’
This is so true Henrietta, we only take with us into the next whatever is not resolved.
You have summed up here Henrietta probably two of the foundations of a relationship – commitment and communication.
I totally agree Henrietta that it can be excruciating to face our issues and be completely honest with our partners about how we are really feeling and our darkest corners, but it is even more excruciating to stay in a relationship where there is no honest communication or commit to evolve it.
I reckon if most couples were honest they would admit to some times when communication has broken down to a point where they thought about ending it. How many of us just find a way to work around this and end up living separate lives whilst maintaining a front of a functioning relationship? Or are we willing to go there and look at what has been brought up by the relationship and commit to healing it?
What a beautiful blog. It just goes to show what has been my experience also which is that relationships do not and cannot stay static. They must continually grow develop or deepen in the quality of love that is expressed or shared and this requires commitment, dedication and some hard work at times but the joy and beauty that results is so worth it.
The pull to live with greater truth and honesty in relationships, in my experience, has caused a degree of turbulence. I see how it disturbs but expression of truth is truly the only way to evolve.
An incredible testament to the work and commitment involved in making a true relationship. With relationships seemingly becoming more of a disposable commodity these days it is very inspirational to observe a couple going there, particularly with regards to working through the hard bits and especially around communication. Your blog is super supportive to me also as I have always found myself getting to a point in affectionate relationships where I just want to give up and have often brought in methods to sabotage the relationship or where that’s not possible will just close down and retreat (another form of sabotage). This has left what feels like a poison in my body, a string of hurts I am responsible for and now have to clear, no doubt through building a true relationship. It is inevitable that as a couple times will get tough as living in close proximity with someone no matter the affectionate perks brings tension as your rhythms align and shift in their flow. What I love about the work you have done here is that it brings an inspiration and confidence to folks like me in that there is a purpose to keeping working on it. I know for me as I look forward to my next relationships this will become an absolute foundation for what I bring, a commitment to opening up continually and allowing myself to feel the rawness.
To look into my wife’s eyes after many years together continues to be a moment of discovery, rawness and honesty. Sometimes it takes courage, just to look and stay with my feeling because of things it brings up for me. Other times it is just pure joy. Being in a loving relationship and being true to the impulse to grow together is challenging but I would not give up on it for the world.
It is tragic in a way, the number of relationships that we kept at an arrangement level and never explored with love. So few are able to say that they are in truly deeply loving relationships, and yet that it is what almost everyone craves most. But what if the secret to an amazing relationship lies not between the two people, but with each of them personally – how much love they hold for themselves and are therefor capable of expressing to another
What you bring to me with this blog is so profound Henrietta. That an intimate relationship is there for both to deepening the love that can be lived and shared with one another. When we run into issues in our relationship it mostly is because we are asked to be more love and for some reasons we are rejecting that call. The beauty you share is that you were willing to go there as you could connect to the awareness that leaving stuff unresolved while running away from it does not relief you from this issue as it will again pop up in the next relationship you would enter into. Great learning, thank you…
“Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.”
It’s very refreshing and normalizing to call it as it is, and to be truthful about where we are at in our relationships, as without that foundation of honesty no changes towards bringing more love and joy to our relationships are possible.
If we are not prepared to work our issues and hurts in the relationship we are in, we will have the exact same issues to work our in our next relationship, or alone if we don’t choose to be in a relationship.
To be in an intimate relationship where both people are committed to bringing love, truth and harmony is one of the most challenging and confronting things one can do. The intensity of feelings and hurts and emotions that arise is extremely uncomfortable at times. But what are we actually being confronted with, is it our own skeletons from the past, the years we buried our hurts and pain, our issues etc.? If one is prepared to get a few knocks and bumps along the way, it’s certainly worth the journey, as really what we are being shown is all the areas of our life where we have not been the loving amazing beings we intrinsically are, and will inevitably return to, and this happens through our relationship with others.
How amazing Thomas that you have just reminded us all that when we are committed to bringing love and truth in a relationship it is completely normal and even inevitable that there will be difficult, uncomfortable and challenging times by the very fact of this commitment bringing up our stuff. I know I have often had this false picture in my head that a healthy relationship was one where there were no rocky or difficult patches and only smooth sailing but really my feeling is that if it is smooth all the time either we have dealt with all our issues and are in a completely harmonious loving relationship (which very few have achieved but is possible) or we are not dealing with our stuff and we are compromising or avoiding something.
“So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck.”
I feel as though I am in the same situation currently, it hurts to feel that I have reduced the love I know is possible to practical domestic function and daily chores, the possibility allowing more love in and out, feels terrifying as I feel so vulnerable in that, yet to not take that next step is not an option either.
What touched me about your blog Henrietta, is the honesty and truthful way you expose how it is being in an relationship, I found this very healing and confirming and it helps me come to terms with the challenges and hurts that come up for me in my relationship. And knocks out some of the images and ideals of the romantic picture I was holding of relationships.
“There were three clear occasions where we got to a point that the communication was so poor between us that we discussed separation and divorce. But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.”
This is a very true statement Henrietta, if we don’t deal with the hurts and issues in our current relationship, and we separate and go into a new relationship, those same hurts and issue will come up again to be dealt with. This is great reminder for me, as its stops thoughts of running away and being in another relationship, when things become very challenging in the relationship I’m in. As really what I’m wanting to escape from is dealing with my own hurts and issues.
In relationships if your not valuing yourself or at least being aware and living your qualities there will be no effective communication.
In any situation, unless an issue is resolved, it will play out again and again until it we have fully healed it. It may arise with another person or look a little different but if we feel into the energy that is there, it will be the same. When we understand this it helps us to take full responsibility in our healing any issue that arises with another person.
Your honesty and sharing is exquisite Henrietta. A powerful story to share. It is so common for couples to feel the love and know that there is a powerful connection between them, but our hurts get in the way and come between two people. The more we work on healing our hurts as an individual then this affects how we relate in all of our relationships.
The beauty of deepening a relationship is that all connections in life deepen instantly.
Relationships are what we make them to be. We are our relationships, they are not external aspects and as ourselves they need a consistent deepening and appreciation to expand and be more and more inclusive.
I always had this belief that a relationship had to be ‘good’, without any arguments or things going on. And when something was going on, it felt like a failure. I know now that this is not true and that relationships change every day and not one single day is the same. How can it be when we are evolving and learning every day? For me relationships are so much more about being at school, where you learn new things every day and yes, at times it is challenging but that’s fine too, when we keep it light and not too serious, we can deepen our relationship with a big smile on our face (and in our heart).
Nominating that undealt with hurts would just come back and ‘haunt’ you again, and dealing with them, is taking responsibility for your relationship, which also then becomes a true reflection for others in their relationships too, and probably the best relationship guidance you could ever have, bringing joy and honesty back, when the alternative could have been a separation. Of course, if you apply this philosophy to all relationships then the world would be a very different place, everybody living in openness, honesty and harmony… super!
Henrietta, it is awesome to feel both your commitment and dedication to building a foundation of love, understanding and respect and how this has allowed a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship.
It’s a true blessing to be in a relationship where both partners are committed to the ongoing evolvement of the relationship and not settling for a level of love. It’s the settling that causes complication and stagnation not just in the relationship but also in each partner. This relates to friendships as well as partnerships.
In many relationships issues are avoided like the plague, buried and never addressed, and what you’ve presented in your blog Henrietta is so vital as you’ve expressed that although these issues may look ugly in the short term, there is no doubt that the relationship blossoms long term as the foundation of it changes from there being many buried issues to there being a platform of deepening love and honesty.
I find it very inspiring to read of what you share here- I love how you both faced up to the ‘stuff’ between you, and went through the difficulties and now are on the other side of it all. I have seen you both come through so much and your relationship is a joy to behold- thanks for showing the way.
Henrietta, this is one super inspiring article – to commit to bring a depth of understanding and openness to all relationships.
Our relationships can be a tango with truth – with each step a commitment to deepening communication & love, or a tango of comfort – sidestepping issues that may be a little confronting and only sharing just enough of ourselves to keep the other party engaged, but never fully opening up. The choice is ours.
It is so great Henrietta to read how things were not smooth sailing, so it is really great to read about a relationship that could have become yet another statistic in the divorce courts. But you both stuck at it and love clearly was the winner in the end.
This shows true commitment not just to each other but to the quality you both bring out to the whole world. This is part of responsibility, as so many couple separate on a bad footing only to continue with the same issue in all other relationships that then follow. Even if they are not dating or remarried, the issues arise in all our relationships even those with your fellow colleagues as nothing can truly be hidden if it is unresolved.
When we are open and willing to look at our own issues that we are hanging onto and how we are bringing that to our relationships this allows an opportunity to let go, heal and choose another way of being. All those conditions that we have put on ourselves first that we then put into others are so dibilatating and harming it is incredible when we start to see that we have them for us then to let go of. Leaving us with our glory to share with others. Letting go of the protection from our hurts is worth being open and willing to go there.
Henrietta thank you for sharing about your relationships, there are many experiences that most of us will have gone through yet what is so inspiring is that relationships are work, and we have a responsibility to work on ourselves and allow the relationship to deepen, but what is possible from them.
I think many relationships ends or are lessened in quality due to us not communicating enough with each other. It’s so important to be as honest and open as we can which is also very respectful towards our partner since they can feel what goes on for us either we say it verbally or not.
This is inspiring to read Henrietta. To not just accept that this was it, when you ran into trouble in your relationship you reached out for support as you guided your relationship back on track and moving into the amazing relationship you share now through your dedication and hard work together.
A true loving relationship is constantly growing and evolving and cannot stay still. It is an amazing gift and way of living our lives with everyone and deeply makes sense with our connection with or soul. A beautiful blog and very inspirational .
How many couple come to the brink of divorce or breaking up, or live on that edge for many years? How detrimental and damaging is it, not only to them but any one caught in the cross fire, including children. And what you did that is different is that you made a commitment, a commitment not to leave it there but to work on it, to deal with your issues separately and together so you could work on building a truly loving relationship.
No one tells us the truth about relationships, and their true purpose. I grew up with images of the ‘happy-ever-after, that didn’t reflect the quality of relationships I saw in my own home. Consequently I and most of us walk into relationships without a clue of what is ahead, how we are to be, and the challenges we will face. Successful relationships are not a given, they evolve, and only with our full participation. Only when we are open and communicate honestly with ourselves, partners and friends, can we create doorways that lead to greater understanding and appreciation of each other. Knowing that difficulties and tensions are opportunities to deepen relationships not destroy can steer us away from getting stuck or giving up.
My wife and I have also said on a number of occasions that we would not have made it to this point without our commitment to working to understand and work through our issues and the loving support of Universal Medicine practitioners. We both had clear patterns within our relationships which often lead to their demise but we were able to expose these and re-imprint them by making love our foundation.
Thanks, Henrietta. What strikes me re-reading this blog is how you both could feel the bigger picture of what you were here to bring together as a couple, and so that supported you through the stormy times like an overarching understanding that life and relationships are more than the personal, day to day struggles we sometimes make them out to be.
Henrietta,your article is truly inspiring for couples reading this, showing how important it is to work on issues that come up rather than leave them unresolved and that however painful this may be the result will be truly evolving for the relationship, ‘exploring areas of discord and discussing things that just did not feel right’, thank you for sharing your experience.
I love the honesty and open sharing. This is a story that many go through and due to not knowing how to work with it they separate and go the other way. It is beautiful that you both seemed some support from Universal Medicine practitioners as they come from love and no judgement. My marriage has flourished with the support of Universal Medicine practitioners too.
How many of us are responsible and guilty of recidivism in bad relationships? I can raise my hand that I have been a repeat offended of failed relationships because I did not change anything other than partners. A foundation of self-love first and open communication was an alien concept for most life until now, where it has become our bedrock of moving forward together.
“we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.” This comment is so true so many of us carry the same hurts from relationship to relationship and at the end of the day our hurts are not going to just disappear they have to be dealt with to allow a deeper level of connection with self and expression of love. Understanding and communication are key here to deepen your true purpose in your relationship.
Henrietta- your blog is so inspiring! What stood out for me today is- “we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.”
It is so important to deal with what the soul is wanting us to deal with, felt in the body, in order to go deeper in our foundation of love.
If we don’t express what is needed to be said it is like building a dam and letting the water build up behind. At the slightest crack, what is released is a huge backlog that becomes the destructive experiences in a relationship.
Relationships provide us the space to heal our hurts if we are willing to take responsibility and be honest about why we react the way we do.
Understanding that relationships are about reflections and evolving really changed everything for me. Relationships are not about trying to fit the perfect picture and playing games and taking on roles, but about connection, love, truth and communication.
I felt it was important to share that there “was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to”. I used to think it was all about how much the other person loved me. But I am finding I have certain comfort levels with love, which can be very limiting. I am finding it easier to love out but limit what can come back. I am realising we need to have a constant equal flow for relationships to grow. It is crazy to think we can limit a relationship because we are unwilling to be loved. This is where having a partner who you trust and commit to can help us move past this, so we can accept and share love with everyone.
‘This is not to say that we are perfect, for of course issues will still crop up for us to look at – but, in truth, these issues are very small matters indeed, and are nothing compared to what we now bring as love and appreciation of each other.’ – This is super gorgeous Henrietta, and inspires a new way to address issues in relationships. As you’ve shared, if a relationship is based on mutual support, love and respect then issues that arise are totally insignificant compared to the love that is beheld in the relationship, thus although they need to be addressed there is never any reason to indulge in them or create any greater problems through reactions.
Without the reflections of Serge Benhayon and the many inspiring couples I see who attend Universal Medicine events, I would still be trying make relationships fit the happy ever after I was sold as a child. My understanding of relationships although still developing, has been turned on its head. I now know we don’t leave anything behind and anything we think we have left behind comes with us to our next relationship. I know that all relationships matter equally and there is no special one. Love by definition is universal and is equal for all. I also know now through observing other couples that a loving relationship requires constant dedication, commitment and the intention to build love, just for loves sake.
It was inspiring to read such an honest account of your process of going from a functional relationship to one that has developed into a much deeper love. It was great to read that having a natural ease and connection with each other, which society would have us believe means we have found ‘the one’ was not enough or give you immunity from the issues that can come up. We do not find the perfect person and live happily ever after. Our relationships like any plant needs constant tending to. Sometimes we over water or forget to feed and water it and we see the direct consequences. Love is the same. After developing many unloving patterns and collecting hurts over time, we need to relearn how to be dedicated and steady with love.
The title of this blog beautifully captures what relationships are about. Going around and around with each other, each time offering us the chance to grow in love and shed anything that gets in the way. This process is unavoidable and an amazing opportunity to return to the fullness of the love we are.
How often do we miss an opportunity because we are holding onto past hurts and therefore, lacing the present situation with something that is not even related and doesn’t belong in that moment. This applies to all relationships with friends, work colleagues, partners or children.
Thanks for sharing Henrietta, I feel that the love and commitment that you have for each other is what really enabled you both to go there instead of running when the going got tough. It just goes to show that anything can change when we choose communication and bring understanding too each other and with everyone.
Sometimes the man that comes along looks so perfect on the outside and fulfills the needs there are there, to not be alone for example, that I dismiss and override my actual feelings and sell myself short. Reading and feeling the actual energy someone brings is crucial for the foundation of the relationship.
To me this sharing is very inspirational: “But what was interesting was that we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.”. To me this shows a great commitment, a willingness to take Responsibility, an adult way of dealing with difficulties and the humbleness and courage to seek support. I can feel how much I want (long) for learning to seek support and let go of the idea that I’ve got to do it on my own, or that there’s nobody that can help me. I can feel that the beliefs are untrue, yet moving forward and seek support when it comes to deal with relationships is something I’ve avoided pretty much so far.
This is very true Floris. If we don’t deal with things now, they only come back round for us to deal with later. We have been taught that seeking support is somehow an admission of failure, but this is so far removed from the truth. As you say it is taking full responsibility for the situation, yourself and others.
Having an evolving relationship continually adds to the foundation of our relationships but this is not really talked about in most relationship books or courses. It can be challenging to know that there is no place of comfort to be reached and held onto but instead our relationships are, through love and understanding, a continual evolution.
What your sharing is really fascinating – because for many the best a relationship can be is comfortable and an arrangement – but for you both to have committed to evolving your relationship and making sure it is nothing less than love is inspiring because in the end, although it is hard work you end up with something beautiful
I love how you came to an impasse where you knew that carrying on as you were as a couple couldn’t continue but also quitting wasn’t it either. I can relate to this in other areas of my life – so work, certain projects, relationship with food (you can’t quit there!) and I’m really appreciating the answer being to go deeper, to put in the work to resolve and address things. There is so much more we can evolve to when we commit. It begins with an honesty that how things are aren’t great and running away actually isn’t possible.
In relationship it can be so easy to focus on whether to stay together or not instead of actually deepening within ourselves and learning from the situation at hand. When our commitment is to the later we begin to detach from and entanglement we may have to the relationship and begin to build a loving relationship with ourselves which naturally brings more love to all our relationships.
Having known you both since before you got married, I can safely say it has been amazing to see the two of you work things out together during that time. I personally have no issue with people getting divorced when things clearly do not work out, but all too often it is taken as an easy option without truly looking at what is going on in the relationship first. It is amazing what can be resolved if both parties are committed to each other and to the love they once felt for each other. Make that your foundation and the rest can nearly always be worked through. Of course, being committed to love can also mean that divorce is a truly loving option, but that is a story for another time.
There is no relationship that is ever ‘done and dusted’, sure a marriage can have run it’s course but the relationship between the two people is a never ending opportunity to go deeper into the belly of life, as are all relationships.
I love that you did not give up on your relationship and continue to explore and deepen your true purpose of being together.
The way you support each other to grow and evolve is inspirational and how all couples could live if they let go of the comparison and judgments of each other and the need for a ‘comfortable’ life.
We hold on to our hurts and use them as an excuse to not open and go deeper in our relationships. It is a game we play as we can easily see as adults that what ever has happened to us was not personal. That at the time the incident happened the person was channeling astral energy and it is our responsibility to read this and not take it on.
We have so many pictures and ideas about what we think a relationship and/or a man should look and be like that when the real deal comes along we often let it pass by out of judgment of what is on offer. I know this has happened to me.
Just like our relationships with ourselves so to with our partners and others they need nutrturing and when we get stuck or when we want to avoid what is not Loving – then seeking true support is key. How this has deepened your relationship with your partner is gold and something that Universal Medicine modalities are fantastic at supporting with. Ultimately it needs to come from you wanting to have what we all know is truly possible – deeply loving relationship.
I love the use of the word exquisite in your opening sentence. It brings such a depth to what you share and I can feel how much you mean and cherish this. It is a word we seldom use and yet it speaks so much. To be used about your relationship with your husband is beautiful and I can absolutely see why.
A very real and honest blog Henrietta, exposing how relationships can break down through lack of building a true foundation. I have found that unless we are willing to go there and fully express what needs to be said in a loving and supportive way, issues just fester and we then use our old hurts and past experiences to justify the situation rather than having an open and honest discussion and communicating how we feel. Like you say it can be hard work but for a true relationship to develop we need to talk about the things we try so hard to avoid.
Spot on Alison – we de need to go where we fear to tread sometimes – in other words talk about those things that we try so hard to avoid. This is of course not always easy, and it certainly puts us out of our comfort zone, but in that vulnerability we can also find the strength and then when both people allow this, it builds trust, and trust is the foundation of any relationship and allows us to further deepen and grow.
Henrietta thank you for sharing and showing that whilst things may not always be easy sailing and times can get tough, when you both fully commit to love then anything is possible.
You are so right Henrietta, if we don’t sort out the issues we have in relationships they won’t just mysteriously heal themselves, so if they are not sorted we need to look at them so we don’t have to carry them for all time. It is great that you persevered and received help, too many people these days jump ship at the first sign of trouble.
This was such a beautiful and profound sharing of your journey as a couple from function to truth. Your commitment to each other is gorgeous and the foundation you are choosing to walk together on inspirational.
Thank you for sharing Henrietta and it shows that through ongoing commitment, honesty and truth for not only ourselves but with everyone we are in relationships with, we can build a strong foundation for a life of love.
It’s inspiring to see that your commitment is to bring your relationship to truth Henrietta, and not simply an improvement in communication, or a bettering on one level alone.
Wow – Kylie, this is gorgeous what you have said. And it is common for relationships to have changes that end up in compromise, a compromise that looks right from the outside but does not really honour either party. Then of course there is the ‘bettering’ of the relationship as you have described, that makes things again look ‘right’ from the outside, yet leaves a feeling of incompleteness. And finally there is the bringing of truth to the relationship, an often challenging and scary road to travel, yet one that leaves no stone unturned, and offers only respect and deep honouring of self and of the other. And this too is forever deepening and asking us to deepen with it.
When I read this blog I felt like you were inviting me in to intimately experience how relationships can be transformed. I was right there with you!
This is a brilliant blog Henrietta which reflects the quality of your relationship with yourself firs of all! The world desperately needs this level of honesty about relationships!
Relationships really do take work, in those moments when it gets hard and you want to walk away you know that if you do its you walking away from something you need to go deeper with.
How beautiful, Henrietta that you can share the love you have with yourself with another, in a way that allows openness and an honesty to face whatever comes up, and move on to deepen that love which is endless and unfathomable, in other words, there is always more depth to go to, always.
Beautiful Henrietta, as you describe you worked through your issues and had not given up when it got difficult – that is amazing! And so, you are well right about if not dealing with it now you will have to deal with it later – in one way or the other. So acting on the moment in that relationship is quite beneficial. Thank you for sharing this with us.
What a beautiful honest piece of writing that has moved me to tears this morning. The commitment that you showed to each other to build such a strong foundation is exquisite. Thank you.
I can so relate to that feeling of having to coming back to the same issue again and again until it is resolved. What Serge Benhayon presents on relationship, or anything for that matter, tells me that it is all about evolution, and I am here not to perfect but to forever deepen our expression of love.
It is beautiful to feel the commitment you have for each other and the dedication you put into your relationship. Unfortunately nowadays people tend to blame differences on each other and move onto seemingly greener pastures too quickly or just give up and arrange themselves with what they’ve got… doing so we miss out on so much that we can explore with each other and access if we really learn to heal our hurts and deal with our stuff.
Henrietta, your sharing is truly inspiring as it highlights how we need to work in our relationships at all times in order to keep up with the constant pull of evolution, as you have mentioned it is easy to find a comfortable space and stay there but that is not it as we are constantly being asked to be more of the love that we truly are with ourselves and others around us.
What a sad and absurd situation that we all resist and fight letting another person in. We put barriers up yet say this is their fault or an insolvable impasse. All along what the greater part of us longs for is this connection and openness that is there. What an odd dance it is we do to avoid Love. Whilst it may be challenging to confront, surely this is nothing to the exhaustion and drama that comes from continuing to play at life, one foot in, one foot out. This makes certain injury guaranteed when we could be tangoing with such grace.
“The most beautiful thing to feel and appreciate too, is that with this now as a foundation, we can feel there is no coincidence in why we are together.” Very much agree Henrietta that is part of every relationship to appreciate the beauty and power of constellation.
What would life be like for more couples if they chose this lovely model? Not only in marriages but also in friendships too as these also can become stagnant, safe and dishonest when we don’t want to rock the boat.
An inspirational blog Henrietta and I can relate to the importance of developing a solid foundation of love in the relationship. Issues will always present themselves that will, at times, challenge both parties but I have found that these can bring a deepening of the connection in the relationship if there is a comittment from both to the ongoing evolution both as individuals and as a couple.
Thank you Henrietta for this beautiful example about a true relationship where we keep deepening the love in ourselves and between us. Like you shared there is so much to learn for each of us in any relationship. We bring so many expectations, pictures and hurts with us that get played out in relationships. Communicating what you feel is key in it and realizing what an amazing opportunity for growth this is for you and everyone around you.
Tango of truth, I love that. Let’s all dance this dance together!
I always thought that when it was getting hard in a relationship, that the whole relationship was not good. I am learning now that relationships have hick ups, just like we have in life, and that this only deepens it and exposes what is not true and from there that we can move on in truth and….joy!
‘Our relationship at this time was one of function and one of convenience, completely lacking in any joy.’ – This is a much needed discussion – how many relationships aren’t simply out of convenience, comfort or function as opposed to seeing it as an opportunity to learn and to grow together, to truly evolve.
So inspiring Henrietta, how you and your husband committed to working through issues that was restricting deepening your relationship any further. We are constantly moving and evolving and nothing feels more stuck and awful then stagnation. My husband and I have been together (dating and marriage) 25 years and have been supported big time by the amazing Universal Medicine Relationship counseling. It’s like we both feel completely held and understood with no judgement in these sessions, and supported to open up and let go of what is and isn’t working and see each other for who we are. Thank you so much for sharing this Henrietta.
I think communication in relationships makes a huge difference. If there is that open space to share and a tonne of understanding I don’t see much going wrong. Thanks for sharing the difference in your life now- inspiring for couples.
I love this bit Henrietta “and though we can’t claim to have greatly enviable dance moves as a couple, in life we do know how to tango together with grace and tenderness.” It was super gorgeous to read how claimed it is 🙂
I have been privy to couples that are living truly loving evolving relationships, for a long time I have watched them and have known that that is what I wanted but was not willing to put in the work that it took to have this type of relationship until recently. Started with deepening my relationship with myself and getting honest and then really getting to know the other with out all my expectations and ideas about how I wanted them to be. I realised I was riddled with pictures about how I thought the person and the relationship should be.
Thank you for such a super honest sharing Henrietta – it’s so supportive to share about the reality of relationships, that they do take time and dedication – no “happily ever-after” but an opportunity to constantly learn, and deepen the love for ourselves and our partners.
I am learning relationships are constantly offering us opportunities to deepen and break cycles and behaviours we have used to create a wedge or difference between ourselves and another.
All my relationships have been exposed as functional and only in the last 6 months or so are they changing. If we are not evolving each other then there is no true purpose to the relationship. I like how it is so simple, we just need to appreciate and support each other to evolve, instead of compare and try to keep each other less just in case they may evolve more then you. Shocking game we have played for life times.
Well said, Mary-Louise – “If we are not evolving each other then there is no true purpose to the relationship.” This is the key point of honesty in all relationships.
Your relationship with your husband is absolutely awesome Henrietta. I have always had a sense that I couldn’t leave my relationship issues behind by leaving a relationship and it is wonderful to see 2 people commit to working through the issues that arise between them with great love and respect for both each other and the preciousness of the relationship between them.
Thanks for sharing your personal story Henrietta, its an admireable example of a true and real relationship
This is a very inspiring blog Henrietta, sharing so honestly how it was and how you both have stuck with it and arrived at a place in your relationship that feels very natural, real and true. You are both committed to building a truly loving and respectful relationship together and from your expression here, you can feel your relationship is well on its way to going deeper and deeper with each other. Beautiful to feel.
Beautiful Henrietta, thank you for sharing so honestly and openly, this is very supportive for me in my relationships, I have started to say when something does not feel ok and although this can lead to a reaction from the other person I am finding that it is in fact very healing for myself and the other person once the ‘dust has settled’ and that what was said needed to be said.
I love your commitment to going deeper even when you were ‘stuck’. You knew that you were capable of accessing and accepting more love in your relationship and you committed to working together to get beyond the tension. How awesome to have such a shared awareness that made it possible for you both to do this.
It is through our relationships that we work our way back to God. There is no other way back.
My husband and I where friends from elementary school, when our relationship changed in our mid twenties we both could feel the solid foundation of the friendship we had and have. It is something we can always go back to and it is constant developing together with all the new ‘roles’ we have as husband and wife, parents, etc. What I have also noticed is that when you feel that you evolve in one relationship it immediately has an effect on each and every relationship you have.
I have had the amazing experience of growing up with many relationships around me that are being based on true love and evolution, it has been an amazing learning for me to hold a high level of love for myself and from those who I might enter a relationship with. I see the hard work it takes, but I also get to see the truly intimate, close and long relationships that result.
The road to a truly loving a evolving relationship is a rocky one – it takes time, commitment and hard work but what I get from your blog is how worth while it is to make relationships more than just the superficial arrangement and ‘love’ that we often accept – that there is more and we are worth exploring that more.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing how your relationship with your husband has evolved and gotten stronger over time, including the many pitfalls and difficulties and the new skills you have both mastered.
There are many keys to building a relationship. One of my most important ones is not to react or, when I react, not to express from that reaction. So much of my reaction has been based on a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation of what is really happening that it has always been better to get a deeper understanding before responding
well said Christoph!
Hi Henrietta, the commitment you both have shown is not prevailing in our society and therefor it is great and an ispiration for many that you are sharing this.
This is the sort of relationship I have always known could be lived between two people. It is a level of love that is worth more than gold. It is the sort of thing we know and feel the potential of yet most of us rarely live it. It is beautiful to have you and your husband as an inspiration for us all.
Thank you Henrietta for honestly sharing how you and your husband saved your relationship. I observe the relationships between partners with my own circle of friends and rellies. So many of them locked in to just putting up with one another and trying ‘to make the best of it’, having no idea of how to renew the original joy they had in each other’s company. It can only be done if the two are willing to tango. A skill that takes much work and practice by THE TWO together. High five to both you and your husband for working at it TOGETHER.
What I get when I read this is the importance of communicating in relationships. Sure we can come into a relationship with baggage (it’s our choice) but to then not talk about how we feel, what is going on, and react rather than respond is the perfect drama we can create within a relationship.
It causes fights, comparison, judgement – you name it – and then we all have the excuse to not deepen the relationship because we’re always trying to mop up the mess. But perhaps if we shifted how we approach relationships and make it about; what is the purpose of being together, what is my responsibility in this relationship, how do I choose to communicate – react or respond, and how open am I – we can start to build a relationship that is always willing to go there and be stronger each day. At least, that is what my experience has been. And what an amazing reflection that is to others.
“So around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. We were stuck.” How many couples and relationships find themselves in this position? Seeking support and introducing some simple communications tools seems like a simple answer to a common problem, with a commitment to bringing more love into equation. There is much to be learnt from your sharing and clearly what you put in place worked!
Wherever there is a foundation of Love present we will discover that there is nothing too big to face as there is in truth nothing greater than the Love that we are.
Being open to support from other opportunities to develop relationships. I have chosen this in a relationship, and it has really supported the honesty to develop and grow. There has been really appreciation felt from both people, for the commitment and transparency expressed through seeking support. Having an intimate relationship and committing to it really offers so many opportunities to learn and re-imprint how we are with ourselves and other people.
Relationships that are committed to and dedicated with purpose are a wonderful reflection and foundation to share with others. WE have something to learning life and then answer is not always to move on to the next partner, as you say the same issues will arise for us to work on. I have recently been very aware that I have brought the same issues I had with boyfriends when I was much younger in to my relationship now. They have changed their intensity, but they are very familiar. Being open to honesty and feeling the potential of the relationship is awesome to commitment to, it offers real change and understanding to develop.
i have felt like this and I have talked about this coming up in relationships, “It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to.” It has felt like stepping into a void, but this has been my fear speaking. When I go deeper I can feel an inner stillness and absoluteness concerning love and connection where there is no fear and I am learning to come from this place and in so doing opening up to others and letting love in.
Reading this blog brings up pangs of hurt for me as I relate back to my many ‘failed’ relationships where we could not get past the break down of communications between us. No one is to blame, it was always just a combination of a lack of true support and an unwillingness to take responsibility for ourselves fully. It is beautiful now to read this blog and see the possibilities that await should that situation arise again, that there is help even in the most stuck places we can get to. And what is awesome to appreciate, is that now there is a definite willingness to take responsibility, which will go a long way, whether I am in an intimate relationship or not.
All relationships exist in order to help us to know who we are. We each have people in our lives that have been hand picked to the minutest detail. We tend to think of ‘people’ as one big group but the set of people that each of us has at any one time in our lives is literally hand picked according to who we are. Their characteristics, their body shapes, their habits, the way they smell, the way they sound, everything is specific to us, to show us something about ourselves. There is no one ever in our lives that just ‘happens to be there’. Once we remember how life works again we shall use it to evolve.
This clearly shows how we have a choice as to how our relationships will be rather than the relationship being set to succeed or fail. Choosing to work through the issues that we experience from a foundation of love and making about moving beyond such issues by exposing them in truth offers healing of the hurts we can carry.
Wow Henrietta, this is such a beautiful blog, full of the honesty, realness and beauty that is to be found in relationships. I appreciate your honesty and realness in expressing that it’s definitely not all roses when working through issues, but from your writing it’s clear you celebrate this and wouldn’t have it any other way which is really inspiring. For relationships to even have a healthy chance, we need to see them differently and see them as an opportunity to grow and work through things, together. This doesn’t mean that we dive into relationships pretending we’re all great and everything is rosy, and then we wait until we feel it’s safe to switch on the lights and say actually I’m a mess and here are my issues, please tolerate them. For so many people, including myself, relationships have been a fine art of measuring what I show of myself and then controlling reactions. I think many people will relate to the initial connection that you spoke of then slump into knowing there is so much more but being afraid to go there. Knowing that whatever comes up in a relationship, if undealt with, will just come around again in another relationship is a great thing to accept and work with. I don’t have a partner at present but I definitely have many relationships and i’m always being presented with opportunities to grow through them, and have something different come round rather than the same patterns of issues, behaviours or reactions.
All relationships call for constant commitment to honestly look at and discuss what the other exposes in us, so our first relationship is with ourselves.
Henrietta this is inspiring to read and a great support. Having been with my partner now for 28 years and having held back in our communication with each other, we are only just learning to unfold our ideals and beliefs around what marriage means for both of us, and there feels like there is so much more to learn about my partner – it’s like living with a new man around the house. We are just embarking on the Esoteric Counselling but from what you have written it seems like a necessary step in our evolution with each other.
So often couples have a deep connection when they first meet but are unable to maintain the relationship due to previous unresolved hurts and protective behaviour patterns that become awakened as the relationship develops and deepens. If we do not explore and resolve these the relationship either becomes a compromised arrangement or ends. However, if we have the love, courage and support to face and resolve these tensions we establish a truly loving and meaningful relationship whether one stays together or separates.
Jonathan I know from my own experience that the ‘deep connection’ that I have felt at the beginning of relationships hasn’t actually been a deep connection at all but a lot of fizzyness in my nervous system combined with lust, fantasies about how things might be and also the very convenient fact that all of these things combined are covering up the internal damage that I had that was eventually brought to the surface by the relationship.
To read about a couple truly committed and dedicated to working through things and making it about true love is refreshing to read, it sets a way forward for how all relationships can and in the future will be.
I feel that you offer so much here, so many people have an ideal or a belief of what the perfect relationship should look like or be, and are not willing to work through things when stuff comes up. It’s a bit like our society where people are quick to move onto the next relationship when any issues comes up, not willing or wanting to deal with any issues, and moving on in the hope they will go away. But from experience the same issues will arise no matter who you are with unless dealt with.
‘Finally, we decided to seek help. We found some help with counselling offered through Universal Medicine practitioners, and for 18 months we worked hard at our relationship, the way we communicated with each other and the way we treated each other.’ This is immense and huge, it’s saddening as so many couples give up on themselves and each other and even love for that matter. There are many people who with commitment and dedication, plus a little dose of lightness, fun and joy could turn around the most unhappy relationships to ones of pure joy. We as a society tend to give up on people or relationships far too quickly, we are not committed to working through things or dealing with our stuff and the things we may bring to them.
You can’t help but feel the absolute strength and commitment you have as couple and with that to the whole of humanity.
SO beautiful to feel how you have both returned to and expanded on the purpose of your connection, to now celebrate the joy of the Love you share together, with each other and with us all. You are both an inspiration as you reflect the way that Love can transform relationships whenever we are willing to commit to it.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing the journey of your relationship so honestly. Your story reflects what happens so often in relationships. We meet and feel a connection but without a foundation of love and honesty we lose sight of the potential the connection offers. We instead load the relationship up with emotional expectations and begin to blame one another for the loss of connection once felt. What you have shared is so powerful as without being honest with ourselves and choosing Love to be at the heart of any relationship we will forever be going around and around lost as to what the next true step of the ‘tango’ together will be.
To bring honesty, my relationship had to start with healing my own issues and in doing this I opened up a can of worms that revealed the strong ideals and beliefs I still held around how relationships work. My wife pushed buttons and I would generally feel the rejection that would come up, which was a huge issue I had to heal. When I first attended a Universal Medicine event I felt the absolute truth of what was presented and had a deep understanding from the start that what I had in my marriage was ‘emotional love’ and not ‘true love’. It has been my experience that it is definitely worth putting the effort in to a relationship. My wife and I have both evolved and resolved a truck load of issues, through being open and expressing lovingly to each other to the best of our ability. Thank you Henrietta for your blog, it has allowed me to be open and express what I have felt that has unfolded for me over the last 13 years since first hearing Serge Benhayon’s presentations and how my relationship is now one that is solid and based on true love. This is not to say we do not have our issues but they now melt like snow from the joy that flows between us!
Beautiful Henrietta. Some things are absolutely worth fighting for. It can seem tough sometimes but we all know deep down the absolute truth and what, if we are open to exploring, can be brought to the table for us all to share.
Thanks for sharing how worthwhile it is to work on those issues that have so many couples stunted and feeling hurt, which causes separation! We are all so sensitive and wanting love, but it is our measures on what we think love is and how much love we allow that causes problems. Relationships are made to be ever evolving!
love the honest account of your relationship Henrietta, you have highlighted what a majority of relationships are like! The tension that is created in a relationship when it is based on convenience is huge!
Relationships and all of the consultations associated with it is not limited to couples. We form connections we everyone all the time including to saying good morning to the bus driver or the store cashier. With these last two examples we do not bring any of our rubbish or issues, so do why we with someone we live with? Communication is the foundation of every relationship we will ever have, without it, it becomes like a single ticket on a plane, who we sit with is just a potluck arrangement.
One of the tools I learned from Universal Medicine is to treat myself lovingly, supplement a gentle rhythm to my day, prepare with an eye for detail, plan my day spaciously… and already three quarters of my relationship issues disappear.
Surrendering to love, letting go of the need to be right, allowing appreciation and acceptance to enrich your relationship and not allowing abuse of any kind – from you or a partner, are all necessary ingredients of a loving relationship. Having a solid foundation of love in a relationship is inspirational and there is never a plateau that is worth just coasting along on. Relationships always are challenged, especially good ones. There is always the opportunity to go deeper. There is always the opportunity for a new foundation to love and repair a relationship. This is something I find the most encouraging. We can always put aside what has happened before and rebuild our relationships because love never stops being available and we come from love.
Thank You Henrietta, I can relate to many of the things you have shared about your relationship, and how it does feel like it cuts to the bone when we lock each other out. It can seem overwhelming or insurmountable at times to confront issues in relationships, however what I’ve taken from your blog is the inspiration to do so simply, gently, honestly, and with support if needed. Love can always continue to grow. It’s beautiful to read all you have shared.
Thank you Henrietta for the honest account of you and your partner’s true commitment to relationship. As there is never going to be the happy ever after scenario as fed to us in fairy tales, movies and other fictitious relationships that are romanticized are pretty much doomed. Real relationships, which are in fact opportunities to grow and learn more about ourselves and others, require a solid commitment as this can be a challenging process. Committing to the relationship and being able to take responsibility for ourselves are the keys to all potentially great relationships. If we do not have this as a foundation we are bound to jump ship at the slightest hint of discomfort or at any need to look at our self and our part in any disharmony.
Thank you Henrietta for your inspiring blog. What stood out was both your commitment to working together in building a solid and loving foundation in your relationship instead of saying it’s all too hard and give up. Like you shared, if we do not heal the issues in our current relationship and we separate or have a falling out, our issues will simply return again for us to heal in our next relationship and so our patterns continue until we choose heal and let go. I too am in a relationship term relationship. I can relate to so much of what you’ve shared and it deeply inspires me to also nourish my current relationship, to allow it to grow and blossom.
Our relationships do really go round and round, what we don’t learn in one, will remain to be learnt in the next one. This is something that my partner and I have embraced also as with the complete and total openness to working on anything that comes up, from the foundational loving team that we are, we know we can work together through anything. The foundations we build in (all of) our relationships are ever-evolving and it is important that we always look to them to solidify further or expand them as we grow, they can’t stay the same so to speak as it’s just not supportive. I love the absolute honestly you have brought to this blog Henrietta and the fact that no relationship is perfect, nor should they strive to be as the fun and the learnings come daily when we enjoy ourselves and the togetherness we can all bring too.
How many of us spend our lives and relationships dancing around (on tip-toes) the issues and hurts we can feel? How many of us dedicate ourselves to steadfastly avoiding ‘going there’ every day’? And then how often do we say that this relationship must end and well, divorce is the only logical way. You show Henrietta this is not true, and if we were but to switch our dedication, to being honest, open and true we finally would get to see relationships are not a matter of the special ‘one’ but of amazing learning we can all get to with the support of each other.
“From the word go we were incredibly at ease with each other, so comfortable being together, and our relationship felt so natural and familiar there could be no doubt that we were made to be a great couple.” I believe that many of us have felt like this and then sadly, small weeds started to creep into our beautiful garden which we either ignored or didn’t pay much attention to so they continued to grow bigger and multiply and before we knew it, the weeds had taken over. This often results in feeling a sense of overwhelm and many choose to give up!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Henrietta for sharing your dance steps with relationship so openly and honestly with us all. Your tango is deeply felt and appreciated – hugely inspiring!
The love, respect and holding are palpable in your article Henrietta. I loved your honesty in how it was you both finding your way to the relationship you knew was possible and the commitment necessary for it to happen. Finding and acknowledging the truth within yourself, each other and your dedication to each other is evident. The honesty within this article exposes so much of the false images society perpetrates in order to keep loved ones divided. Thank you for sharing.
A tango with truth…love that! And where there is truth, there is love.
The key here is that you put in the work – on yourselves, and on your relationship. Its takes effort, and weathering the difficult times in all honesty… not brushing over it as it simply pops back up at another usually inconvenient time.
Henrietta thank you for your honest writings. I appreciate the sharing that it’s possible to go beyond being stuck, it’s not often we see a relationship that can go through all you both have so openly exposed and to not only be together but to so obviously evolve as a loving couple as reflection for us all.
It is so beautiful when you can be totally honest and let your guard down in a relationship… What an honouring it is to feel truly loved and accepted for just being who you are.
Having been single for a long time (too long!) I’m now navigating dating again and what you’ve shared has confirmed for me that it is all about the connection that you feel when you’re with another. And from there, what is possible is limitless.
What a great testimony Henrietta and very inspiring to read of the committment you both made to make your relationship about love and nothing less. Thank you.
How many relationships are based on true evolution and not just partnerships but all of our relationships? What I am just learning is that it’s a really beautifull thing to deepen the next step in relationships, in being more love and to express more love, let others in more and let more love out .. and there is no plateau. Thanks for sharing it just goes to show how even when you think it cannot change if both people truly work towards it .. it can.
Relationships can be such a blessing and support for us to honestly see where we are being pulled to evolve.
So true Victoria, and any relationship has the potential to support us to grow – even the uncomfortable ones.
This is an inspiration for all relationships and shows a very real and true way forward working together on one’s issues and feelings for our behaviours and patterns to be exposed and cleared . This very honest way of living ,is very expansive and evolving and allows us to appreciate who we are and brings an understanding to each other and a intimacy that is very lovely to observe and live.
Thank you Henrietta for your honest and inspiring blog. The consistency, love and willingness you brought to your relationship have built a very solid foundation, which is felt in your words. I so agree that if we do not choose to be honest with ourselves and look at our own issues in our current relationships, they follow us into the next relationship. I can feel the power and evolution that is possible when a couple are walking together in life with this commitment and purpose.
Beautiful, Henrietta. Very few if any of us go into a relationship without some kind of baggage we are dragging along with us. I have seen many relationships within my family and between friends which end completely or settle into an uneasy state of buried anger and resentment due to unspoken and uncleared issues. It takes work and dedication to the truth that we know to be in ourselves and the other in order to let ourselves enter into a true relationship.
Avoiding the elephant in the room has been my way to distract from perceived conflict, but I have seen over and over that bringing it all out in the open, is a way to clear and deepen relationships. It’s to be celebrated as with each exposing of the what’s not you get a deeper appreciation of ourselves and our purpose and the what is.
Henrietta, never has anyone said relationships are easy, but the commitment you have with your partner in deconstructing discord and going deeper together has opened up more ease for all relationships in the world to do so. Thank you.
I love relationships, the fact that unless we go deeper, we will be going around and around in circles highlight the fact that there is never a destination in relationships. It is indeed harming to carry a picture that once two people are together or get married then the relationship has reached its destination because we then set ourselves up for failture. That said, a relationship that does not fit into an ideal whatsoever, even if it looks like there is no relationship on-going whatsoever, is not always the case when we feel into it. Relationships are the most fascinating aspect in bringing evolution in life.
Relationships are Life, it’s as simple as that and so if our relationships have plateaued, then so has life.
It is great, Henrietta that when you and your husband came to feel you were really stuck on the problems that emerged in your relationship, you were both willing to seek help from an Esoteric Medicine practitioner. And then you were both willing to try out the suggestions that were presented to you. It is so worthwhile putting this effort into our relationships, who knows how many other promising relationships have fallen apart due to a reluctance to go there and put the effort into resolving issues. Unfortunately so often people realise later just what a beautiful relationship they had walked away from and can then see with hindsight how miniscule their problems actually had been.
Beautiful, Henrietta, thank you for sharing what for you was at times a very difficult process for you both. But wonderful that you both had the courage to go through the process, and all can feel the great love that you are now both living together. What a great foundation you have now both built, and what great role models you are for all others to be inspired by. It is amazing the level of love that can be built between two people when they are willing to put the work into sorting out all the problems that we each bring into a relationship. All of us carry lots of hurts and issues that we take into our relationships, wonderful that you have cleared those and understand each other so much more deeply now. The love between you is palpable, so beautiful to behold.
Love the willingness all through this article, the humbleness and commitment to want to look at yourselves and each other. I enjoyed every word, I appreciate the generosity and wisdom through out, it will provide support to many couples that at times feel like things can get so bad that they don’t know their way back. There is much hope (for lack of a better word) for couples that toy with separating but know that it is not always the answer and finally much accessibility for those that have been there but may not have talked about being there. Thank you Henrietta and also many thanks to your husband for the bravery to share a chunk of your past with the world.
For me this is a very timely and inspiring read. Thank you Henrietta (and your husband!).
The dedication to being in relationship with another is first and foremost a commitment to being in relationship with ourselves.
This is beautiful Henrietta. So many couples (of any kinds be they friendships, intimate couples and even family members) walk away when it gets to the point you described of wanting divorce. The road of commitment is not easy yet any other road is much harder.
Thank you Henrietta. Your joy in writing and sharing this with us is evident. Yes it can be easy to run away but if we do stick at relationships and both parties are willing to work through their stuff, transformation is inevitable.
It is always worth coming back to feeling the love that was initially there in a relationship. There are hidden hurts from previous relationship and experiences that can influence every ongoing relationship and they can lie dormant until triggered. Well worth getting support from counsellors who know how to tell the difference and for whom intimacy and love are a daily way of living.
‘….in life we do know how to tango together with grace and tenderness.’ ‘This is practising a tango with truth…’ I love this as I love the photo
Thank you Henrietta, for sharing your experiences with how you and your husband were and are dedicated and committed to work through issues that came up in your relationship. Tonight at the dinner table we, (me, my husband and son) were sharing about how we had learned in our youth how to avoid any confrontation, and just to go for peace. And it is not about that at all, allowing ourselves to feel what is happening and work our way through with a foundation of love and understanding is the way to evolve together in our relationship.
This is beautiful Henrietta, thank you, it is so easy to give up on relationships at the first hurdle and here you show how we are able to develop and commit to growing and evolving together.
Wha a great testimony for getting the right support and where a relationship can go as a result.
There is always support on offer through Universal Medicine and I know for myself I have learnt so much and gained great clarity for myself through asking for and accepting this support. We weren’t made to be alone in life and nor were we meant to struggle through things on our own either.
This is a dance step we should all be taught at a very young age “The Tango of Truth”. When we ‘dance around’ the truth we collect hurts that then we have to re-trace the steps to clear. Universal Medicine Practitioners are truly wonderful supportive people who can offer insight into choosing our moves with loving wisdom and clarity that honours ourselves and others absolutely – with out stepping on toes.
Gorgeous blog Henrietta, thank you for sharing. I love how you described the foundations you and your husband set up in your relationship, “groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other”. It goes to show how powerful it is to build such a solid, concrete base of love in our relationships, and how this allows the building on top to be of amazing quality and just keep getting taller.
Henrietta this is so beautiful to read. The knowing that even if we want to walk away because something is too hard it will only come around again to be addressed. What a testimony to working through things and building a foundation of love that is there for all relationships, blessing us all. Thank you both.
The dedication you brought to your relationship is amazing. This is not what most couples who are in trouble for so long in their relationship do. A relationship does take devotion and work and it does need both parties to collaborate in the true evolution of it because patching up doesn’t work. This is true of all relationships and sometimes I know I haven’t necessarily wanted to stay the course. It is very inspiring to know that you have made it so far and are still tangoing through life and have the support of such great practitioners.
A tango of truth sure does take firm foundations and dedication but wow the power that is felt and expressed by a couple that is truly dancing together is deeply inspiring for one and all. ?
This is very inspiring Henrietta. To develop a relationship with this amount of honesty is not something that most people do. You deserve every ounce of true love that you have in your relationship, as this would not be possible without the honesty and truth that you have committed to together.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing your relationship and the trials and tribulations that went with it. I am sure that most couples would have given up once the tension and arguments began, blaming each other and wanting out of the relationship. The divorce rate is very high in the world today but you have shown that with the support of universal medicine practitioners, your honesty with each other and the willingness to work together to deepen your relationship, and also the inspiration of many couples living in a true relationship, separation does not need to be the way and relationships can deepen and become evolutionary.
Thank you so much Henrietta for this sharing with such honesty and openness. It is this plus the dedication you both had to work through things as they arose that is so inspiring. I can say it is definitely true that the same issues come up again and again unless we are willing to look at them and it is always worthwhile, even if uncomfortable at times, when we do.
Its great that you and your husband were willing to work at the relationship and seek support. I have found using counselling services very beneficial. It provides a space where the third party can facilitate more open communication and help bring out things that have been difficult to share in the past. Simply having a space to express what has previously been unsaid is very healing.
Thank you for sharing the journey you have had with your husband Henrietta. Relationships do take time and investment. We can take them for granted and simply expect them to work, but my experience has been that there are always issues to work through and if they are not dealt with they fester and keep resurfacing.
Dear Henrietta, I loved reading your blog; it’s so so real, and so inspirational to be able to read about a relationship that is enduring and deepening all the time. Life is a flow, so relationships need to deepen and expand; stagnation means actually going backwards, stunting our own and each other’s growth and potential. We all can be inspirational for each other in all kinds of areas. We all learn from each other all the time.
Thank you Henrietta for a very honest and inspiring sharing. Looking at you and your husband now it is hard to imagine what you both had gone through. With loving commitment you were able to work through and heal the deep hurts that each one has carried. Beautiful reflection for all couples.
Henrietta, thank you for your honest and real account of what it has taken to build the solid relationship you are both now enjoying and continuing to learn from.
Thank you Henrietta. I always find it very beautiful when people open up about their relationships. There is so much to work through in most relationships and the more honest and real we are about this fact the better. We all carry so many old hurts from childhood, other relationships etc that we then bring to all our other relationships. What I love about what you have shared here is the willingness you both had to work on your relationship rather than just walk away.
A deeply inspiring relationship blog!. Enough said…
How beautiful – and exquisite to read about your forever developing relationship Henrietta. It is amazing how as we let go of old perceptions and ideals and beliefs we can change almost anything. So often it feels it’s more like misunderstandings that get in the way rather than a deliberate act to sabotage the relationship. As I get to know myself more and hold an understanding of how I behave it allows me to understand others. It feels like we have made communication so difficult by hiding and protecting ourselves rather than shining our light in the world.
Henrietta, you really share the depths of where a relationship can go – in that they can continue to deepen all the time if we let them.
A relationship can never get to a point of being perfect – because there are things that come up every day to build on. And to seek support when you know it is needed is a huge humbleness and healing for you both. My husband and I have also spoken to practitioners about our relationship, not to fix anything but to confirm what is there and understand each other more.
So I very much appreciate when any relationship is willing to go there and be a reflection for so many others.
I am all for relationship counselling, sometimes in relationship hurts can get triggered that we may not be even consciously aware of. It is very healthy to seek counsel from someone who will hold both parties in an equal grace.
Thanks for sharing such honest words about the challenges that any relationship can go through. Honesty is the only thing that can ever turn things around and make it real and relatable.
A great reminder Henrietta, that we all have a responsibility for the quality of the relationships in our lives, no matter if they are intimate or other relationships. It is so true, that if we run away with or from unresolved issues, they will keep re-appearing until we have learnt what we needed to learn.
How beautiful that you both chose to work through the issues and deepen your connection with each other. And how many couples never discover the true potential of their relationship because they are unwilling to dive deep and discover what lay beneath the surface issues that obstructed them from opening to each other.
What’s also inspirational to me is the fact that you’ve (both) chosen to find support and being supported. To me this feels as a relief, it’s taking away a burden. A burden that we always HAVE to do it alone as a couple, that we need to have ALL the answers. Where do you go when both are very convinced and there’s (seemingly) no space to find union again. How great, Joyful and Light is it then to know that there are always others for support. We’re not alone! That in itself is an amazing foundation of Love – if agreed on by both. I’m certainly gonna take this with me in my life and definitely gonna put it into my foundation in a ‘couple’ relationship.
I love how you so clearly display that a intimate relationship isn’t always a rosy one. That this relationship has Purpose. Life doesn’t stand still, not in a relationship either. Continuous evolving asks a dedication and communication from both parties. Not being in an intimate relationship is allready ‘teaching’ me to less take care of others, but express more openly what’s going on inside me. Thank you Henrietta. That your sharing may inspire many others in setting a different foundation!
This formula could be applied to every relationship, if there is a rocky or stagnant patch then on some level love is not being expressed. And what I have found in a recent friendship is that often what irks me in them is actually a blessing because it is highlighting a pattern in me that has yet to be healed. In this way it becomes less about the persons behaviour but an appreciation for the opportunity to see and understand more of what is and what is not who we truly are.
Thank you for sharing Henrietta, I can relate to much of what you say. I have been married to my gorgeous husband for 23 years now and we have certainly gone through our times as you have described. We also have had great support from practitioners at Universal Medicine to work through any issues that have come up along the way and as a consequence our love and respect for each other and everyone else continues to grow and deepen in ways I could never have imagined were possible.
In many ways our relationship has gone beyond love in that we live, work and evolve together 24 hours. We share a common purpose and whilst each of us is very powerful in our own right, together we are something else!
Henrietta, I have just finished reading your blog and the sense of honouring I felt in my body in response to your communicating so openly your journey in relationship within your marriage. When I reached the last word all I could say was wow! in a tone that reflected the power I felt within your expression, and I am humbled at the awareness of the power we have within us when given the opportunity to be honest in relationship. Thank you for such inspiration.
What a beautiful and inspiring blog Henrietta. Your commitment and consistency to making love your foundation in your relationship with your husband is felt and appreciated. It offers others a beautiful, true reflection of what a relationship looks like and can be, despite the rocky road.
This is great, I appreciate the whole approach of this blog, it is not all roses, it is dedicated work to be in a meaningful relationship. I sense the relationship with ourselves is at the foundation of our relationship with all others. That can certainly bring things up for couples who want to evolve, both as a couple and individually. Thanks Henrietta.
It can be super awkward and uncomfortable to address, express and communicate what is not working. If there is something that you feel you are struggling with, or when something doesn’t feel right and you’re not sure exactly what, to go there and explore what is going on, has enormous healing. I too am inspired greatly by true loving and caring relationships that I see within the Universal Medicine community and it has given me much to ponder on regarding what is actually possible in relationships. Like myself, I am not in a relationship with a partner but I get to practise this level of intimacy with everyone, the people I live with, work colleagues, anyone really that I am in contact with and I can see that the more I let go and open up and let people in the deeper these relationships have become. Such a richness in my relationships than I ever knew was possible thanks to Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine teachings.
In my last relationship, communication was an issue and I must say that it was painful not to have acted before the relationship ended. However, we left each other in good term which can still leave some room for more communication should we feel like it or be open to it.
Reading your blog I recognise so many things which have also occurred in my relationship including the change that’s possible from an awareness that the issues we encounter will play out in all our relationships until they are lovingly addressed and an equal commitment to do this in the love and support of the relationship.
Henrietta as you also described in your blog, I instinctively knew that if I did not clear and heal my part in the fore mentioned relationship above, I knew I would be carrying it with me to every single relationship I had, and so my feeling was to ‘ stay with it’ no matter how long it takes to clear and to heal. Thus, there is much for me to appreciate in the steps I have taken.
I can relate to this very much. As my partner and I have known each other for 29 years now we had solidified quite a lot of behaviors with each other witch did not support a truly intimate relationship. We found if we want to go on together we have to deepen our relationship with ourselves first and be willing to live a change. And I agree it is sometimes hard work but so worth it as well. To see me with him now in a benevolent movement, not blaming him for every- or anything but offer my openness and understanding, see that we are making it together (the bad as the good) and never just one of us. Starting to take responsibility in and for all my relationships has brought me more humbleness, dropped the guard and so much more intimacy. And the realization that I thought I want to be safe but in fact I want to feel the love in me and others, I want intimacy. Then I feel safe because I feel connected and not alone.
Love this blog and love the title too – it is so apt, because I have found myself going round in round in a certain relationship, never moving forward. I was only able to see the bigger picture, when I stopped taking things personally, when I stopped having investment – only then could I accept and allow the other person to be where they are at and what they are choosing. It was difficult and painful at times, but well worth my consistent effort to look at my part, to heal my hurts and to let go, and when I did, the thick cord between us was finally cut that had kept us going ‘ round and round’ playing the same old record. With the cord cut, the bigger picture was immediate and clear to see which has brought me a deeper understanding of relationships, especially the relationship with myself.
Henrietta, this is a beautiful and very inspiring story to read in developing and nurturing our relationship with ourselves and others. I love the expression you use for your marriage, an ever evolving dance in action with ‘a tango with truth’.
“This is practising a tango with truth, which would never have been possible had it not been for our dedication to each other combined with the support of these amazing practitioners and the community of couples to be inspired by”.
Definitely Stephanie, it is worth the effort that I have put in over the last 13 years to build a solid foundation of love. Along the way I have been inspired by many such as: you, Henrietta, Serge and Miranda etc.
The tango of truth, now shouldn’t that be the dance for all relationships? And for those who are not so much into tango, any other style will do, as long as truth is the main ingredrient.
Your blog has exposed discussing the elephant in the room that we refuse to see or acknowledge. By simply meeting someone that we each fill the missing pieces of our pies, just means we don’t push each other’s buttons, and we form the perfect arrangement until one or both grow and want to fill the space that was missing with something else, but that just perpetuates the whole cycle. If we fill the space with more of us, the other feels threatened and no longer needed. If both choose to fill their missing parts with themselves, they either move apart or become stronger if that is what the big plan has in mind for us. These are true relationships.
Steven, I also have a few white elephants in my closet that need exposing for the false impact they have had in my life.
If only button pushing moved elephants! At times in the past it has felt like the room has been full of them! Firstly I had to see the elephant for what it had brought to my relationships and then move it on, only for it to be replaced by another. This has been a simple learning curve over many years but worth the effort as we can only work on our own issues. With a focus and an effort even the pink elephants have been exposed for just being a button that needs ‘no reaction’ from me. In not reacting I have found “true relationships” are developed! Now these elephants are seen for the false creation of making a mountain out of nothing so they simply disappear like letting down a balloon – it becomes nothing.
When we are in a true relationship there comes a point where we have a choice to remain individuals or to have moments of true surrender. The latter is quite amazing. The former is then very painful.
Lately I have realised in my relationship with my husband; how hard we are on ourselves and how much pressure we put on our relationship to be perfect. I can see how this has capped our sense of acceptance and understanding and consequently the quality has felt controlling and functional. Surrendering to the true woman i am through my body, my sacredness is KEY for in this I feel greater love, acceptance and understanding and a willingness to let the magic of life unfold.
Beautiful to read of your experiences Henrietta and your honesty in where you relationship has been. It is great testament to you both that you worked through your difficulties and had a knowing that the relationship was true and just needed work. I find it is always worth it when we express how we feel with any relationship, be it a friendship or a partner, as that expression can remove the barriers between any two people.
What is so beautifully highlighted here in this blog is that we bring all our undealt with issues with us to the next and the next relationship. These issues and hurts are then constantly triggered in the current relationship and it is almost like there are more than two people arguing over an old hurt.
It is us that are the constant. We move through life carrying all that we are with us. People and situations revolve around us highlighting what is inside us. If life didn’t highlight what was inside us then we would have no way of knowing what it was that we had to deal with. So the best thing is to say ‘thank you’ for it all, the whole lot of it because everything is designed perfectly to lead us back to the truth of who we all are. There are no dud bits, no irrelevant bits and no unnecessary bits.
“I will be honest in saying that it was a hard road to travel – a difficult time working through the issues between us, exploring areas of discord and discussing things that just did not feel right – but I cannot begin to express how worthwhile it has been to lay the groundwork and foundation for our relationship as husband and wife: groundwork that has allowed us both to deepen and expand the qualities that we bring to each other.” Henrietta this is hugely healing to read, thank-you for choosing to do this groundwork and earthing a foundation that stands there for all to be inspired by, you have clearly ignited what everyone could feel what there from he start.
It seems that when we enter a marriage or a relationship that we bring all kinds of images of what that relationship should look like and in particular what that marriage will look like to the outside world, regardless of what the quality of the relationship truly is. And maybe in the beginning we don’t discuss in depth enough what those pictures are and do we even agree on those pictures – we quite often assume the other person wants the same thing.
The level of honesty and ownership in your sharing is inspiring Henrietta. It is so much easier to blame others for what is wrong in our relationships and yet all we can take responsibility is how we connect with ourselves and interact with others.
‘It was like there was a certain level of love we were ok to express, as well as receive from the other, and beyond that felt really scary to go to.’ It is the commitment to evolve within a relationship and work through those challenging issues that is key to developing a truly loving and ever expanding relationship. Lovely to share your appreciation in your ongoing tango with truth.
Thank you for sharing, Henrietta, with such honesty about the discarding and deepening in your relationship. The ‘what is not’ that we carry with us from our old hurts can create a feeling that there is nowhere to go with the relationship, but I love how you both stayed connected to the common denominator of a greater truth, surrendering to that and asking for support through challenging times. Very inspiring indeed…
My husband and I have a similar experience, as we felt this deep connection from the beginning and then we were cruising on this connection with the result that at some point we felt we had lost it. But we didn’t loose it, we just had ourselves accommodated on what we had and did not evolve from there. Any relationship is a commitment to evolution as a whole and if it is not expanding, but staying with what it has it is stagnating and gets worn out.
A relationship is not something we arrive in and then it is cruising time and we comfortably live happily ever after. A relationship is always about supporting each other to evolve, to go deeper, to deepen the connection that is there and through this with everybody else. We often live by an image of how a relationship has to look like, being it with a partner, parents or friends, and we are busy with constantly adjusting to this image concentrating on functioning but not on evolving. What you share Henrietta is the beauty of a true relationship and that working on it means deepening it every day.
This is great to read and see that when taking the responsibility for your ways, instead of choosing a divorce to not take the responsibility, a relationship can completely turn around and make new things possible. Bringing that what is needed from you two as a couple.
Thank you for sharing how you approached the issues that have been encountered in your relationship. It is refreshing to read that it is possible to turn it around if approached from the foundation of love, connection and understanding that the relationship is there to grow and evolve rather than suit our own individual needs on a day to day basis.
What a great Sunday afternoon read. Thank you Henrietta for sharing your relationship with us. Beautiful.
Henrietta thank you so much for your blog. It’s great to read about the work you and your husband have done to come out the other side, so to speak, to make what you share about nothing less than love. Very inspiring.
And I can feel that the work that Henrietta and her partner have done in their relationship is not just for them, but for everyone. A powerful reflection of what is possible when we chose relationships for evolution.
What a beautiful thing to say Donna – thank you! And it has been a joy to share this intimately with everyone, as the responses have been phenomenal, and have really allowed me to feel how important it is that we share with honesty what is going on in our lives. In so doing there is a healing offered to the one sharing, but also a healing offered to all those who read and can relate or understand and open up as so many of you have done. Thank you again to you, Donna and also to everyone who has commented and is still to comment on this blog.
I wonder how many relationships in the world break down because of lack of communication. We bring all our unresolved issues and ideals of how we want a relationship to be, but without honesty, communication and a willingness to deepen the relationship it can become stagnant and functional. Honesty starts with ourselves first, what part do I play in the break down of this relationship.
Henrietta I only can agree :”. . . we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.” I once left a relationship with un-dealt things and had the experience that it “haunted” me again. So since that I promised myself to never repeat it and I did – I only can recommend to deal with everything as it is the best gift you can give yourself and others.
Knowing that if we don’t work through things in one relationship, they will just come back to be dealt with in the next one is a strong incentive to really deal with whatever comes up – in any relationship.
Thankyou so much for sharing about your relationship in such an open and honest way. So many get to “…. around and around we went, knowing that divorce was not the answer and yet a relationship based on function with only a smidgen of the love we were capable of sharing with each other was not it either. ” Both committing to the love you were deep inside – and to each other, enabled you to come through to the beautiful strong place where you are today.
Henrietta this is such a beautiful sharing that you got beyond the challenging communication to a strong and powerful relationship. Working though your issues must have been so worth it. Your sharing applies to all relationships whether they are husband/wife…siblings/parents or even friendships.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing your experience with your relationship with your husband, I can feel how it is common in relationships for us to not want to ‘go there’ and deal with issues and so things are often left unsaid and unresolved, it is wonderful to read how you have bought more love into your relationship and how evolving this has been for you both.
In a time where 2 out of 3 couples experience divorce what you share Henrietta is gold. When we divorce we often find ourselves at the same point in the next relationship as well as leaving our partner does not resolve our issues and hurts. In fact if we have a partner that brings up our stuff for us that is a blessing as true relationships are there for evolution and for this we need to heal our hurts and move forward. This takes time, commitment, dedication and a willingness to be open and honest with each other.
Spot on Carolien – I love what you have said here. Every relationship we have is an opportunity for growth. The question is do we want that growth or are we comfortable with where we are at?
The key ingredients you have mentioned are time, commitment, dedication and a willingness – so beautifully said. The investment is big and its consistency is necessary – but the returns are worth far more than any share or market value on earth.
I love how you say your relationship has been like practicing a Tango with truth, it makes it very tangible how any relationship need dedication and practice and what I feel most that it is not a heavy task nor a punishment but an opportunity to grow and get rid of behaviours that we have adapted over the years to cope with life, to then stand side by side to work with each other and for everybody else, bringing the most out of each other.
Henrietta. reading your blog I can feel the strong connection you have with your husband and how the quality of your relationship has deepened with all the work you have put into dealing with issues that have come up rather than leaving them lingering to come back and rear their heads another time. The appreciation you have for your husband and your relationship is gorgeous to observe and no doubt cements in place all the hard work you have put in.
“A tango with truth”; I love the sound of this. And as you beautifully illustrate, Henrietta, to master this rhythm requires the preparedness to meet one another in grace and tenderness.
It’s interesting that we often see divorce as the answer when all this will achieve is a delay of dealing with our issues. The same issues crop up for us time and time again until we address them be it in relationship or not. It is our willingness to address these issues that count.
Your blog highlights how important a strong foundation is with any relationship and not just intimate others, whether it be with work colleagues or housemates, friends or team mates. From this foundation of love and truth our power is amplified, and we can get on with what we’re actually here to do, as a unified team.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing your honest account of your relationship, and its ups and downs, and now finally, its ups. So many of us when getting to the point you got to when you were talking about divorce simply give up, as it is way too hard to imagine keeping on going, little knowing that it may possible to re-build the relationship, starting with connection and honesty. Your story is so very inspiring and I feel sure that it will support others whose relationships are not running smoothly, or perhaps even teetering on the point of collapse, as yours was.
Dear Henrietta, thank you for your dedication to developing a true relationship with your husband. The foundation of love that the two of you have grounded together, can be deeply felt by us all, and appreciated.
This is very inspiring, Henrietta. I find that when we are having a “rough patch” everything seems negative and it is hard to imaging things ever coming back together again but of course with love and commitment there is healing and a deeper love. Thank you for sharing
Henrietta the truth that you have shared about taking what is undealt with from one relationship to another is a truth that I have only just fully realised. I have struggled with intimacy for my entire life (unbeknownst to me for most of it) and thought that I could find the intimacy that was lacking in my relationship with a different person. It seems rather silly now but the fact remains that I did fantasize about finding intimacy elsewhere. A bomb was gently dropped in an esoteric healing session when it was pointed out that the problem with intimacy was just as much mine as anybody else’s. It was from that shared revelation that true change was able to really begin and also for me to fully understand that had I left looking for intimacy then I would have been searching for it for a lifetime.
Henrietta,
This is a beautiful honest sharing and I love that you have not held back from sharing the difficulties with communication in your relationship. It is also very inspiring, that no matter how difficult things are, if there is a commitment to love and each other and a willingness to explore deeply our hurts, relationships can and do become harmonious.
Henrietta the honesty that you bring to your story enables many of us to relate strongly to what you share. Often in society we are not honest about our relationships because there is a certain unspoken pressure to all be in great relationships. It would be so much easier for more people to be in great relationships if we began by being honest about where we’re currently at in the relationships we’re in.
Well said Alexis, in our society there is such a pressure to look like everything is perfect in the relationship, that the couple is doing ‘so well’ and yet behind the scenes, there is a discord, a disharmony or even abuse on subtle or more obvious levels. And then when you do allow yourself a level of honesty, it is like people don’t really want to hear it, or worse yet they step in to give advice or try to fix things because they are not comfortable about the disharmony they see. But the reality is that many relationships are not that harmonious for most people, yet because this is so common it becomes the norm, and it becomes accepted as such.
The other big belief in our society is that divorce is a failure of a marriage – how much is this seen as such in society? When if fact, it is to be celebrated that a person might make a self loving decision to leave an abusive marriage or that two people might just have reached a point where it is no longer supportive to stay together. This does not indicate a failure, yet there is this perched notion that prevails in society that for 2 people to separate or divorce, then they get an F, do not Pass, and don’t get their degree or certificate. But how many then continue to live a lie, yet hold onto a facade of a relationship?
The truth is all relationships need work, and constantly so. The moment we stop working on ourselves and the relationship, then this can get stagnant and issues can crop up. It is a huge commitment to oneself and to another (or others) to keep working on, all of the time, but how rewarding on all levels. This looks like another blog here… 😉
Yes, it is a huge commitment to ourselves and another and a responsibility to humanity to be a reflection of what a true loving relationship looks and feels like. Thankyou for the inspiration and the reminder that our relationships need the work and the honesty and the sometimes difficult conversations to go deeper with ourselves and each other.
So many relationships are based on comfort and convenience with an undercurrent of disharmony and /or subtle abuse. It’s time for a different reflection.
In my experience there’s no way of going deeper without a certain level of discomfort at times because going deeper requires honesty and there’s a mountain of dishonesty in us all. And so it’s hard at times to fez up to the reasons why we’ve been so dishonest about so many things but as you say Henrietta it is worth it because there comes a point for all of us that the level of dishonesty that we’re choosing to live with is just so incredibly uncomfortable that we have no choice but to start to come clean about things.
Yes indeed, Henrietta. Sometimes divorce is a true decision and sometimes not, but if we choose love and the expansion of both individuals equally we cannot go wrong.
A very revealing story about the reality of relationships. This ultimately shows there is no perfect relationship and no ‘match made in heaven’, prince perfect etc. etc. without doing anything. Relationships are here to teach us something about ourselves and about how to be with each other in life. Even a great constellation, like the feeling of knowing each other and gelling with each other so well, will bring up things, but that is what actually makes it such a great relationship. Very inspiring to read what you have gone through and what you have come to, thank you Henrietta.
Reading you blog brought me new understanding of a relationship that has broken down after going round in circles and never truly deepening. I can see how guarded we were with each other, rarely communicating our feelings, but often reacting from our hurts. With new understanding and the tools you describe, I feel inspired and committed to the possibility that this friendship can be re-gnited again.
Even when one side of a relationship – friendship, colleague, lover, is ready to go deeper, they still have to wait for the other to be ready. Sometimes that may take a while, sometimes the readiness deeply helps the other person.
I love the appreciation you have for yourself, your learning, the unfolding of your relationship, the enriched relationships with others that can now be and for those who supported you along the way.
It takes two to tango -a tango of Love is very hot indeed.
It is deeply inspiring to feel your dedication to expression and to each taking your responsibility for the dynamics at play — how worthwhile it has been, to leave the hurts behind and to deepen your love, truth and relationships with all.
Thank you Henrietta. What you share should be available to all couples, married or otherwise and friendships at the start of their relationship. I now know that people come together in relationships to evolve. And it is this truth that is missed by many of us. As you share, without honesty and willingness to go deeper and express what we feel without making it personal, we go round and round in circles. This causes anger, frustration, resentment because we’re unable to unlock the truth of why we’re so stuck. Your openness to seek support, stay committed to yourselves and the relationship, help you re-build and allow a more loving relationship to unfold.
Love what you have said here Kehinde, and it is spot on that this applies to all relationships really, not just an intimate relationship with a husband or wife, but with all friendships, couples etc. For the more we deepen in one area (essentially first with ourselves) then the more we can bring this to everyone around us.
This is the story of many couples, an amazing connection in the beginning, to loading the connection up with issues created simply to avoid the potential power in the constellated connection. To drop all the created issues and return back to the original connection is totally what is needed. This blog is a beautiful example of this. Thank you Henrietta.
This is a great point that many of the issues we have in relationships Robyn we create because of the old hurts that we bring from previous relationships. Appreciate the potential that we feel in the connection and focus on the foundations of respect, care and tenderness.
Great point Robyn, we can tend to focus on the issues yet what if the thing we are reacting to underneath is actually the next level of love we can share in the relationship?
Wow! Great point Melinda. And it reminds me how hugely important it is to be able to communicate openly with one another – no holding back.
It is so worth going through the trials, tribulations and even pain to establish the truly open, honest and loving relationship that you share here, Henrietta. Otherwise, as you say, “we both knew that whatever it was that we had to resolve, was something that could not be left un-dealt with, otherwise it would just come back and ‘haunt’ us again, be it in this relationship or be it in the next one we would move onto in case of divorce.”
It is so helpful, that when we get older, we do realise that the same issues keep coming up, from relationship to relationship. So what a blessing when you are in a relationship with somebody who is willing to keep working on a true foundation for the relationship to expand from, again and again. And the support of couples who are actually also living that, day in day out, deepening their relationships, is also amazing. Thanks to the Esoteric way of living, this is all available for us all now. We just have to choose it, and be willing to stick with it, even when it can become a bit confronting at times.
The trials and tribulations are a reflection of the baggage we bring to a relationship and, in a truly loving relationship, they need to be understood and resolved. It is quite a blessing to have a truly loving relationship.