For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship. We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’
At that time, this mode of loving relationship felt quite normal as my women friends and I frequently shared about how tired we were and we talked about our declining ‘sex lives’ often in a humorous way, without truly feeling the sadness within as a result of this lack of connection. Many of us were in paid employment and had young children and we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.
I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact, and this type of thinking was supported in many of the women’s magazines and ‘agony aunt’ columns at that time. If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.
To the outsider it looked as though we had a very good and satisfying marriage and on many levels this was true as we both loved each other and were committed to caring and providing a great environment for our children. Unfortunately, at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.
Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better. We both have a more loving connection and a deeper understanding of ourselves as individuals – and as a couple – and we are always discovering ways to take this deeper, even if at times it is painful for either or both of us to admit to the other the imperfections or unhealthy habits which may surface.
We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.
The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.
We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker, which we do at times, we are able to bring ourselves back to a point of loving understanding much more quickly. After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!
With this new understanding, we can feel how in the early days of our marriage that when we had sex it was about seeking relief and solace from the inner emptiness we both were feeling. Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.
Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.
We are forever appreciating the loving support and reflections we have from those truly divine counsellors Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker, as there is always more to explore and we now both do not hold back from going there.
Published with permission of my gorgeous husband, Peter Campbell.
By Anne Hishon, New Zealand
Further Reading:
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’
Sex, Marriage and Children – Have You Got It All?
Sex and Making Love
So many of us hide our inner emptiness and instead expect another to bring the fullness that we deny ourselves. I have discovered that the more I am prepared to love and commit to myself then I don’t need someone to prop me up or take care of me. I can take care of myself this takes any relationship I have to another level where there is no imposition on anyone this allows the relationship to be open and honest with no deceit or hidden needs, no should and should not’s, it’s a completely different way of being.
My husband and I laugh so so much, we are always joking with one another, this to me is magic and what sets the scene for any form of physical touch.
Building a loving, tender and intimate relationship with ourselves brings an equal loving, tender and intimate relationship with another.
“If we did not have sex often, I could always feel the tension building up in my husband, reflected in his moods and stresses.”
What you are really saying is that your husband used sex as a way of reliving himself of the emotion he was in. And many men do this and woman feel this and know it is happening and play along with it but at the same time resenting it because there is no connection beyond the physicality no true intimacy just relief. Basically it is an emotional dumping of energy into the woman, but have we stopped to consider how that effects women?
Having a relationship based on filling needs and seeking relief put me right off for many years. These days I look forward to being in a relationship without needing ‘a better half’ or someone to ‘complete me’. Being in relationships that seek to remove expectations and investments, needs and demands for others to fill us are some of the best I’ve ever experienced.
Intimacy is super imperative in every relationship as is appreciation, as when we appreciate we are seeing our divinity first and then this is also seen in another and this is bringing a Truly-intimate relationship with everyone.
In the past, after sex I always felt like something had been taken away from me, that feeling of emptiness, of being used to satisfy another person’s self-centered needs always made me feel sad to a point where I was not even interest in sex for a long time. Making love is very different, to be held in the arms of another who does not look at your body like a piece of meat, who honours every part of it and does not need you to perform in order to satisfy their desires. Even if there is no orgasm, the fulfilment is real and one can actually feel more content and satisfied than at any other time when they reached a functional orgasm.
The missing ingredient for so many wanting to be in a truly loving relationship is loving ourselves and it is only when we understand this that we have the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our partners.
“Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present” Super inspiring Anne. Thank you for sharing.
I love your honesty here Anne. I am starting to understand more than whenever something is an ‘effort’ particularly in a relationship then it is time to stop and feel what is going on.
This blog is beautiful to read, how your relationship has come alive, and deepened, ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’
Anne, this is really lovely to read and feels truly loving and supportive of each other; ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact.’
Great article, as so many people out there are still measuring the quality of their relationship based on how often they are making love physically, when there are so many other ways to connect and go deeper.
The partner we find ourselves in relationship with is the perfect partner to the finest detail to support us and them to grow. Do we say ‘yes’ to all that has been offered for an expansion and deepening of the love in the relationship or do we give up, put up a fight or even walk away? – The choice is always in our hands.
Being in a relationship can come with so many pictures, expectations, and ideals about what intimacy is and how we should be in the relationship. Breaking these constraints and restrictions is the most supporting and loving thing we can offer ourselves and each other. It frees us to be ourselves and connect to the true way of being intimate and loving.
Anne, thankyou for being so open and candid about your relationship with your husband and sharing with us how much it has deepened since you began to understand the true meaning of making love. To have a relationship that brings the same quality to sex, and equally important as everything else that you do together is deeply inspiring.
When we don’t care for ourselves as deeply as we know we can an inner tension builds which can become a frustration, that asks for relief and sex is often used to quell this frustration.
Loving and caring for ourselves first and foremost is an important part of any relationship, ‘at the time we did not understand the importance of truly caring for and loving ourselves, and how pivotal this was in growing our own relationship.’
How cool is that when we surrender to ourselves and deepen this relationship we can then have this with our partners.
Very cool Natalie, this is the opposite of what we commonly think how connection to works, we often seek to deepen from the outside but it is from within that true connection is sustainable and forever expanding. Approaching intimacy and connection the other way around is like walking through life back to front. So, no wonder it can feel difficult, we bump into things and feel like we are not getting anywhere as it restricts our true movement.
Anne, I love this and feel how important these moments of connection are for building a loving, intimate relationship; ‘from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’
Your blog really makes me stop and consider what we might be accepting that is much less than what it could potentially be – I see so many married couples that don’t seem happy with each other and I wonder how many people actually gauge their relationship on the fact it’s still functioning rather than it being exquisitely loving.
This is a very beautiful offering of how we can deepen our relationship by bring greater true intimacy into our lives. Do we bring love to every interaction we share with our partners or do we ‘save’ it for the bedroom? I have discovered through my own exploration that when we bring the deep quality of love we hold for ourselves, to how we are with our partners throughout the day, when we then come together physically to make love it is a deep confirmation of the quality of love we have been living and building together. There is no need at play, just a beautiful surrender and a deepening of what has been lived, as we have been making love all day through how we are together in our day to day living.
It is amazing to have been witness to the change and growth within your relationship and how you now no longer hold this back from the world. It is clear that true relationships are not always going to be rosy and fun. There will be challenging moments but this is all part of the expansion and deepening a true relationship offers. Without that it is merely at best an arrangement.
Understanding, true understanding helps in any situation for there is always an energy to read. To then move from a deeper place within oneself that sets us free from the prision we have created to be in: lovelessness, creation. Which is the opposite of the truth we are and know to be.
“Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding” – without understanding there is no love let alone intimacy; instead there’s just function the same as “having sex”.
We seek intimacy from the special ‘one’. We are close but not quite right because it’s us who are the ones who bring intimacy alive – and share it then with everyone we meet. You can’t guard Love, for life’s about letting other people in.
“I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact…” – if anything requires effort which is an expending of energy to tire or exhaust, then that says it all. Making love, which is simply living with another in joy and harmonious connection requires no effort and can be 24/7.
So wisely said Zofia – if effort is required then it is not love, as love is the deepest confirmation of who we are and when surrendered to has an effortless flow to its divine quality.
It is beautiful to have this foundation of love and connection with our partner so when something (hurtful) happens in life or in the relationship we can feel held and understood in dealing with it. A relationship like that is a great playground to learn how to heal and understand.
Anne, you and your partner Peter are going against the trend , the considered norm. Very inspiring to explore bringing true intimacy into your everyday lives and not limiting to the bed room.
Connection and understanding is the basis of a foundational relationship. By us first having this with ourselves and then with our partners and all other relationships. The key is how much are we prepared to be transparent within ourselves to the depths of where we come from.
We assume that as a marriage ages the intimacy levels go down. But this sharing shows how we can continue to deepen our intimacy levels and our relationships in many more ways than physical.
It’s probably true that a lot, if not most, consider a healthy and successful relationship is one that involves frequent sex and that sex is an act that brings relief and a continuing marker that everything is allright. I love how you have shown that this is not it and never can be, that this cannot address our needs, and there is so much more on offer. “We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply. This is not about perfection as there is always more to explore, but this exposure has allowed us to experience a joy and togetherness in our relationship that we had not felt before.”
Choosing to evolve together asks us to be open and honest with each other, to not let anything come in between the love that we share as a couple and at the same time it is not exclusively for us as we can have the same level of love with and for others.
When we commit to making our relationships about love and only love it is impossible to allow anything to get in the way. For sure there will be much that will want to try and harm what we already have but it is for us to keep saying ‘yes’ to love and this applies to every relationship we find ourselves in.
With the vast array of publications available today, there are so many things which have been reduced to mere function alone without retaining their initial exquisite quality, such as sexual intimacy between consenting partners. How this has become something that magazines think they can write about, is far beyond comprehension, but through their writing and publishing the media have managed to circulate sexual functionality as the normal way to be and to succeed in relationships – for both men and women.
Although many people say that arguing is healthy for your relationship, but the times I have experienced arguing in our relationship I cannot say that they have brought us anything than separation and the unnecessary hurting one another.
Making love is as it says, making love, growing the love in your relationship while having sex is just an animalistic act many people use to give relief like drinking a bear after a stressful day.
The sex we market to the world leads nowhere near to the potential that is offered in making love.
Understanding the universe helps us understand ourselves and so others. Where frustration and irritation exist, blinkers to our own divinity are guaranteed to be.
Relationships may still have ups and downs as we develop, Anne, but whenever we return to love, they have an opportunity to grow.
Thank you Anne, you reflect us that there is another way of being in a relationship, one that does not keep us small and contracted by patterns and distractions but support us out of them.
Holding back what we feel allows distance in between us and others in our life. Expressing whilst confronting sometimes ignites our inner fire and has the potential to make things clear.
I have been in a relationship for nearly 20 years and the intimacy has grown, not dwindled, why because we have made healing and having a relationship of meaning with ourselves first and others, a life work, a student of life and we know a relationship not worked on is a relationship that is stunted, we need to grow to blossom. I am also constantly inspired by others who choose, healing and honesty as their way fo life, making it purposeful, I am seeing people all around me, who make this choice, prosper and flourish.
When we make love in our intimate relationships the relationship will prosper and flourish because of the love that is continuously deepening.
The intimacy is so much deeper when we introduce love into all the movements and connections during the day.
If you truly want to make life about Love it’s not hard – just keep returning to this in your heart. Then you can’t help but celebrate truth.
Everyday I celebrate the relationship I have with my husband, I always had a tendency to sabotage anything to good, yet with my husband we are still together and although by far not perfect everyday I feel totally blessed to be sharing my life with this amazing man. I know our relationship would not way be the love it is if it was not for the constant inspiration of couples like Serge and Miranda Benhayon and Annette and Gabe. Super super blessed are we to have them in my life.
There is a simplicity in this that I find myself fighting… which is so mad… is it really that I have to just bring myself to situations, free of trying, effort, or roles and let transparency and openness speak for itself? I am answering, ‘Yes’ to my own question!
Thank you, Anne, for sharing so openly about the development and deepening of your relationship. This is super supportive and I understand the importance of transparency and honesty in all our interactions as a foundation for intimacy and true connection.
We can compare our life unfavourably and criticise those we share it with or we can bring the grace of God to them and make love with the way that we move. What will you choose?
Beautiful Anne, love is so much greater than we can think of, often still when we do experience love, there are greater depths of love awaiting.. Continously asking us to deepen and expand. How loving is that ?!
Expressing how we feel is paramount in every relationship. This may be our appreciation for another or it may be calling something out but whatever comes up it is there to be delivered and not to be avoided. Through expression comes intimacy and a transparency from being absolute honest.
Do we ever stop to consider that the tension and the build-up in a man from everyday life should not be relieved by the act of using his partner for relief? And the same applies to women and same-sex partners.
When we drop our protection and allow the real us out and allow real love in miracles just have to happen.
A gorgeous sharing Anne, expressing what true intimacy is all about “The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.”
Having a marker of intimacy in our relationships is so useful, because then we can feel it straight away when we have dropped from that or deepened the relationship further.
Intimacy is a word that has been turned upside down and inside out, to the point where it no longer represents the simple beauty of openness with another.
The expression of relationship with each other is only as true as the relationship we have with ourselves.
If we are honest, having sex is a pick up – a high we seek. Making love feels more like a confirmation of everything that has been completed and something that is impossible to fake.
Anne, this is really gorgeous; ‘Let’s fast forward now to 15 years later – my husband and I are now living in an amazing loving relationship with each other, which continues to get better and better’. Reading it makes me realise how rarely I hear of relationships getting better and better, very often it is the other way around, that relationships are fun and loving and first and then the ‘honeymoon period’ dies off and function and boredom set in. Your relationship is a great reflection to show what is possible.
“… in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections” – yes and how come then why your described intimacy Anne, does not lead to having sex and the relief effect that happens as a result of not having the prior every moment intimacy you speak of. When there is such intimacy then sex can become the making of love and the confirming celebration of the already union it naturally is.
“The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day” when we start to see our relationship as a constant opportunity to evolution, for deepening and for reflecting to each other the fact we are from the stars we get to appreciate what you share here, that is true intimacy is throughout every moment we have.
Anne, I have found what you are sharing here to be very supportive in my relationship. I now love these moments of intimacy such as a loving touch as we pass each other and a hug first thing in the morning; ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact.’ Thank you for the inspiration. I can feel how easy it is to slip into function and taking each other for granted and so it is beautiful to share these moments of intimacy together.
I love your raw honesty in this Anne, not many couples can be so honest and go where you and your husband have gone. Its just not something that is ‘normal’ in our society.
My husband and I have also had support from Annette and Gabe and they are flipping fantastic – we have over time allowed ourselves to grow deeper in love which can feel a little scary at times but overall learning to love and let love in is super super amazing.
True intimacy is allowing another to see all of you without even taking your clothes off.
Its true that when someone talks about an intimate relationship with someone then sex is often assumed but we do a great injustice to the quality of intimacy if we allow ourselves to think along those lines for, as you share here, intimacy is so much more than that. And if sex is an action of making love then it is like a celebration of our intimacy, a natural joyful union.
Intimacy can be in any moment with anybody. It does not necessarily mean having sex. If the quality that we are moving in is loving then anything we do and any interactions we have will be loving. It makes total sense.
A relationship is not guarded by a picture. An engagement or a wedding. The truth is it is felt in our connection. First. When we first feel it and then move according to what is felt, it is then true.
Adele I agree but the way that most of us are living is to contort our brilliant and infinite nature into small and grotesque configurations in order to resemble pictures and ideas that are manufactured by the Pranic Consciousness Sausage Factory.
So true Anne, we hold ourselves in our hurts with a big layer or layers of protection so when you find yourself in a relationship be it partner, colleague, family member, friend, housemate, anyone that is willing to lovingly explore what is not of our all embracing love it certainly is going to get intimate. What I have clocked is the stages of willingness then coming to an unknown where you haven’t opened up like that before the best thing is to voice what we are feeling.
“We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply” – just beautiful, allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, fragile, expressive, communicative of ourselves and whilst in the company of another, our partner, is what truly grows and deepens the relationship to the next level.
Thank you for sharing Anne. I agree it is important to ‘not hold back going there’; after nearly 30 years of being married our relationship is developing more intimacy, honesty and transparency and like you have stated Anne, there is always more.
I love what you are saying here about setting a standard of love that supports you both in your relationship and also understanding that there is no perfection but sensing when you have ‘dropped the ball’ so to speak on your intimacy and tenderness and simply being honest with each other to come back to the love you know you have together. Very beautiful.
“Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.” The release from the tension of the frequency of making love is tremendously freeing, allowing for so much more space in the relationship, which can only occur from the deepening of intimacy and transparency.
The true beauty of making love is that it is certainly not reserved to the bedroom but rather is a confirmation of our movements and connections made with love, originating from our connection to the love we are within first, as such can be lives through our living day. Every day then presents an opportunity to deepen our relationship with love for our selves and with our partner, and with this, every day feels like a new beginning to the relationship as there is, as you say, always more to explore. Evolution is the greatest way to keep a marriage or relationship developing with realness and aliveness.
Sex without intimacy is cold poison to a body and being that is, or is looking for its own natural course of warmth; its fiery ember connection. When there is intimacy, the embers burn a lifetime.
I remember when I was growing up that in a relationship sex and making love was not something that was communicated about intimately with our partners. Every women’s magazine I opened talked about pleasing the man mostly on guessing what the guy would like not from talking about it or if we as women ourselves would enjoy it. And if there was talking about sex and what each person liked with the partners there was more of a superficiality about it. A ‘he said he wants me to do this…’. It is beautiful how you have been able to deepen your relationship with making love with your partner by being more open with each other in every part of your lives which translates to the bedroom too. And how it all starts with a relationship with yourself because how can you communicate intimately with your partner when you don’t know yourself?
Well said Lieke, the intimacy has to start first with oneself.
I have found that intimacy with my partner starts with the relationship I have with myself and how deep I am willing to go. The more love I have for myself, the more love I have for him.
So true for you cannot offer another an empty cup and expect them to feel replenished by it.
Anne, thanks for sharing this; ‘We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried’. This is a beautiful description of true intimacy. I can feel how important it is to be open and honest in relationships and how often we hold onto our hurts and stop the intimacy and evolution that is possible and that relationships can then get stuck.
When I read your blog Anne I get the impression that sex is often used as a relief or great moment to make up for the misery or stresses of every day life, but the way you are describing it here feels very different. That it could be a confirmation or continuation or celebration of a quality that has already been there during the rest of the day.
‘intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.’ Very beautiful Anne.
If we’re not intimate with ourselves how can we be intimate with anyone else? If we ignore the calls of our body it’s just not truly possible to adore another. We just pursue distraction from our disconnection.
One thing that is truly foundational in a relationship is creating a marker. Once that marker is acknowledged and claimed it provides a platform that is easier accessible. It never goes away if it is appreciated and accepted in the body as a new foundation of truth and love.
This is gorgeous Anne. There are so many false ideals around sex that many mistake for ‘reality’ or the ‘facts’ but deep down we always know that our natural way of being intimate with a partner is so much more than a physical act.
I feel the reason why we don’t question that we are in a loving relationship is that we compare with the norm in society. If we tick those boxes, then we must be doing ok! For society it is success if you stay together, rarely argue, appear to like each other and still have sex occasionally. Whereas what Anne speaks of is a lot deeper than this. It feels like there is no picture that you reach and sit contentedly forever after. It is a commitment to keep loving yourself and your partner more and being open to that not looking like what society is is good enough.
Togetherness is such a great word. It says that we are together in union, with harmony and with understanding. It says that beyond the highs and excitements of sex, first of all we are together in appreciation. I love this word, and I love how it can be applied to the whole population of the whole world. As we are all here together.
I have found I can avoid intimacy, I say I want it yet my behaviours and actions can say other wise, learning why I avoid this is a healing in itself. Many of us are unaware we are walking around blocking intimacy and love from others.
If we lived our lives in the truth of who we in essence actually are, our life would be so much richer in every aspect. A very wise observation when considering the barriers we put up for having something we crave like intimacy that “learning why I avoid this is a healing in itself”.
We need to approach every area of life like this, otherwise we remain puppets in a dynamic which we are choosing to stay blind and unaware in.
Imagine turning up empty handed at the bank expecting them to give you money when you had none. Well, why do we arrive at night with our lover expecting it to be explosive – having lived no love? There is no credit card or loan that can make you full inside.
Love this analogy and your comment here Joseph. If we do not live love the rest of the day the best we can hope for from sex is a temporary relief or distraction from the tension or emptiness of knowing deep inside we are not living the love that we naturally know we are made of. However when we live love then when it comes to sex we are confirming and celebrating the fullness of what is already there and I know for me it feels very different to have sex in this way from a fullness rather than from an emptiness.
Absolutely, if there is no love lived in the day it can only be sex. Interestingly making love does not involve making anything as the love is already there lived, just shared and celebrated with our partner.
Good point Jenny, no doing just being and loving in every moment.
Sometimes perhaps it can seem easier to hide how much love and care there actually is living inside our hearts for each other. I see how much, as a population of people travelling, working, doing daily tasks, we can allow a distance and a barrier to be created by our movements which not only keeps the other person or persons at bay, but also keeps locked up all the love that is in our hearts from being expressed. And the honest reality is that this is not that simple or easy after all, it is actually very difficult and challenging to sustain this way of living as the barriers and the distance constantly need to be re-instated as the love we naturally feel works to find its way out.
“Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding” – yes, if there is no understanding, then, there is no living.
Every couple who are willing to go deeper to feel, not make light of what we feel, but to truly honor it and express, no matter what the challenges are to keep feeling and deepening with each other, with the purpose of changing our patterns and not be held back by the needed process of discarding and the slight challenge, to focus on the treasure rather than the re-correction, is supporting all couples to feel what a relationship truly means.
I’ve heard many women speak of having sex when in a relationship as some kind of obligation or duty. I cringe because I once didn’t love myself and thought I had to be good in bed to keep and secure a partner. The connection wasn’t there and I felt bereft, bereft because I missed my connection with me and sharing that with a partner and people. It wasn’t about sex, it was missing the intimacy that we can have with ourselves and others – being present enough to be open to letting people in and being transparent. I can be loving with myself and know that all my past attempts at intimacy were just that and nothing more. I am loving with myself now in the simplest of things.
So much of what you have shared Anne is setting the world on fire, as this is what all those Dorothy Dix stories should be sharing so we get an evolving conversation, and we get a true understanding about “sex, making Love, relationships, Love, Intimacy, and self love” in the most simplest way
It is great to talk about this subject and dispel the myths and get more open, honest and intimate in the process.
“We now have a marker in our relationship of what is possible and when we stray from this marker” – Having the understanding of this marker in both of you is a key to ever deepening relationship where we keep creating new markers.
Intimacy is fundamental to any relationship, without it we cannot deepen our mutual understanding of ourselves and each other.
“The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day ” When we are aware of this depth of intimacy, it makes complete sense that there is no difference in a relationship that takes place in the bedroom, the kitchen or when out doing the shopping together. What a wonderful appreciation of another, and a beatuiful way to be able to approach a new realtionship as well.
“Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding” – yes, one massive understanding Anne. There is so much to cherish about intimacy being the forerunning backbone to everything in life and the way we relate to each other; sex or no sex. Without intimacy, life is lifeless.
Our ideas of what love is are so skewed there is little space for us to develop a truly loving relationship, but with the support of Universal Medicine love and all it means is now there for anyone to work with. Love is more than we ever thought.
Now not only do we have these magazines and movies perpetuating what is ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ in our sex lives, we have the whole other issues of pornography that is totally twisting our understanding of relationships, sex and sexuality, consent and what men/women’s bodies look like etc – it is causing us to lose touch even further from true love and intimacy.
I agree, Rebecca, particularly for young people. There is a plethora of highly explicit material only a few keystrokes away which anyone with a smart phone can access, irrespective of their age. We are already seeing the consequences of this in the rising number of incidences of sexual dysfunction amongst young people. It’s tragic that a young person may start their first relationship with someone with a very distorted perception of what making love actually is.
Intimacy is a way of showing myself and expressing the love that I am- that others can see a true reflection of connection. Not letting myself be caught by any beliefs and pictures ( what is allowed and what may be misinterpreted) is very important, as they hinder us to fully express and redefine what true love is.
Living love with your partner not departmentalised is absolute joy. It needs a focus at the beginning, because we are so used to retreating into ourselves and not connect to the outside, having our off moments. I agree, it starts with our own connection to ourself that we are able and willing to express that to another constantly. Then a relationship truly starts to blossom.
Bring on the blossoms.
Many relationships lack true intimacy, to be intimate with another is about allowing yourself to be seen and dropping any protection around this. It is beautiful when we connect with others intimately and allow this level of transparency in our relationships.
“Today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day and the quality of our relationship is no longer measured by the frequency of this, and the frustrations and tensions around this are no longer present.” How amazing. You have discovered a different way, and you are living examples of this. Very cool.
The change comes with a willingness to want the change and then the limitless potential is offered to ALL.
I greatly appreciate the way you’ve shared here Anne – the simple, honest and transparent words speak volumes for the fact that you can’t have openness and connection with one – it’s made to share with everyone.
Great to understand that what is most natural to us is to be intimate with everyone not just those closest to us.
The moment we restrict our intimacy and connection with a stranger we do so with our partner. Important point is, to not shy away, if the other person is not able to allow the intimacy that is on offer. Responding with that by not reacting personally to it and staying open and available is very healing for the other and ourselves. Intimacy can be denied, which is everyones choice, but can only be dismissed by ourselves.
“We unconsciously measured our level of intimacy on how often we performed the sexual act, which at the time we felt was ‘making love.’” – exactly Anne, we long for intimacy and place the act of sex in being/achieving/as a way to achieve intimacy, except that it is intimacy that precedes the act of sex/sexual activity. Because intimacy is the backbone that holds relationship from there on in whether sex is had or not. Sex without the backbone of intimacy only leaves the relationship far short to eventually collapse. When there is intimacy first, there is love making where enjoying being together in this true quality is what makes the relationship really blossom.
Thank you for so intimately sharing this Anne – it asks me to go deeper with intimacy in my relationship, knowing it is coming up at the moment for me to really look at so I don’t let the relationship become another stat in a women’s magazine. But it does make me wonder how we fall into a ‘normal’ pattern that we are all ok with but that does not actually support anyone. It seems there is a way to do it differently.
Intimacy requires letting down one´s guard hence we cannot have it as long as we seek safety over love, protection over openness and vulnerability. The process of reestablishing intimacy in one´s life and relationships feels like stripping off the layers that seemed to protect one, so that we eventually stand naked before each other, naked of what has separated us from being intimate but full of who we are. It is a return to what once was our natural state of being as children before hurts made us close off.
If you are not willing to deal with your underlying hurts, tensions and issues and hence evolve, you cannot have a truly loving relationship with another that is ever expanding and deepening.
Anne, I have found this very inspiring to read and love these simple, loving and practical examples of how you are intimate in your relationship with your husband; ‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact’.
We can be intimate in so many ways that aren’t physical when we are truly connected with ourselves – and then that quality we take into our connection with others.
The word “intimacy” has a completely different meaning when it is understood more deeply, and this offers a wonderful expansion and development between a couple.
It may not be something we feel comfortable talking about, but the reality is that sexual disfunction is rapidly on the rise and across all ages. I feel that a lack of intimacy, and our misinterpretation of what intimacy actually is, may well be a large part of the problem.
This is such a needed conversation for us to be having with each other, to connect with the true meaning of intimacy and making love, allowing us the opportunity to bring understanding as to why we may be experiencing feelings of despondency and dis-connection in our own personal relationships.
“The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day” – beautiful Anne. Without intimacy, there is no relationship. And there is no point to the relationship either. Because intimacy, being intimate, is what expands and enriches what is seeded there to flower and bloom naturally.
Sometimes I turn off my intimacy when I feel hurt and need time to recollect. In nominating what hurts me, I return to movements that support me.
Physical intimacy in the bedroom is a two-way street! You get what you give. Spicing things up in the bedroom and making your partner uncomfortable are two absolutely different things. You can ask him why you want to role play this situations. People like have all kind of new ways and find new ways for physical intimacy spicing up in bedroom. Depend on you if your comfortable and if your not tell them. Because Physical intimacy in the bedroom is a two-way and both should enjoy it.
A beautiful sharing and honouring of true intimacy and the sharing of this as part of our every day in our relationships movements and connections from the smallest gesture deeply beautiful touching and felt. Quality is everything as is a life based on love.
I have seen some relationships that tick the box of physical touch and yet seem to lack any true love and I have seen others where the love is expressed in every look and word and whilst it may be expressed physically it doesn’t rely on that alone
It is lovely to read about intimacy as a way of life and not just a grabbed at moment of tumbling between the sheets at night. Intimacy can be sweet and precious, it can be honouring of each person and delicate in its touch. Intimacy can be in the lightest breath breathed in the presence of another.
I appreciate your honesty here Anne and find it crazy that this is how women felt and maybe how some still feel today
‘I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact’. Anything like this just exposes how it is not a true relationship at all.
Vicky thats so true, it does make us think what is sex and what is love., what is making love and why do we settle for sex?
Yes Vicky, it does seem crazy, however I can remember feeling a similar way in a previous relationship. There were so many unresolved hurts between us at that time, that they all got in the way of our true connection, and the resulting relationship felt like it was being held together by a shoe string of ‘mutual agreements’, rather than being based on truth.
Accepting where we are at and where others are at feels like an important aspect to nature and environment where intimacy can flourish. Acceptance offers space, this is not where you do not call out what feels untrue, but we hold one another in an understanding and communicate holding what does feel true about each other.
Making love can be in the kitchen, in passing, at work, at play, at the dining table and in the bedroom. It is a quality of connection and intimacy and not a physical act, and its beautiful to be reminded of that Anne.
… and that making love does not have to be a physical or non physical act just between partners it can actually be with anyone. For me making love is about holding another as an absolute equal with no agenda, no protection, no barriers but instead allowing intimacy through true connection. Something I am continually learning ✨
I can feel how it’s about a consistency in openly sharing the essence of who we are, no holding back. Absolutely cherishing every cell in our sexy, sassy body and brining our all to everything whilst equally deeply appreciating the exquisiteness in those around us, again, no holding back.
Making love is… “… a quality of connection and intimacy and not a physical act…” beautifully said Simon. This also brings such a simplicity … that life and love is all about true connection.
There can be such a beautiful playfulness in deepening our relationships when we don’t place more importance on one kind of connection over another.
‘… intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply.’ – and in so doing we can make our relationship more about function and what we need from each other, rather than developing a deeper loving connection, which is what we all crave.
The most intimate form of stripping is when we strip ourselves back and bare all with one another.
It is quite interesting what you have written I feel this happens constantly with the relationship we have with our women friends and family; we support a way of life that at some level we are bored or dissatisfied with. Mostly we cannot put into words these feelings but never the less they are there, running in the back ground. It seems to me that no one wants to rock the boat and actually be honest about what is really happening. Is this because we do not want to be ostracized from family and friends for being honest by exposing the way that we are living is very far from the joy that we know it can be.
“I remember feeling that if I made an effort to have sex once a week that this would keep our relationship intact” We know exactly what we need to do and bring in to keep our arrangements intact and on track but void of evolution and expansion.
So true, Michael, without intimacy, our relationships become arrangements where we are both getting something from the other, but it falls very short of what we truly have to offer each other, which is what we crave more than anything, to be intimate with each other.
“declining sex lives……..we supported each other in the normality of how we were living.”
Its comfortable to accept this level of honesty, as if we are all holding back then nothing needs to change, it simply becomes our reality, our inevitable path. For me this shows how important it is to honour & share what we feel and in doing so come closer to the true potential and purpose of our relationships.
Intimacy is a word that has been misrepresented. Intimacy is not just a sexual act it is in our every moment body verbal and physical and offers us each an opportunity to connect with ourselves and others in a more honouring way.
I love the openness with which you share the deepening intimacy of your realtionship with your husband here Anne. Simply by your willingness to write about it, you are showing how you are deepening your own relationship with intimacy in every way, and not just with your husband. Thank you.
Without this open and honest sharing with each other, about what truly matters, we reduce the relationship to being more about what we do together, rather than the constant expression of love that we hold for ourselves, the other person and our relationship.
Thank you for your very open and honest sharing, Anne, it’s very beautiful to be reminded of what true intimacy is and note how we have reduced it to be so much less, making it more about the physicality of being together, rather than the deep and sacred sharing that it is.
The resistance to intimacy sometimes happen when we do not want to share with our partners what we are really feeling. Sometimes it may not be all rosy but we are still willing to share ourselves without needing the other to fix us. And the other person not absorbing but being able to hold us and seeing the situation in clarity. This kind of relationship is one which would grow and deepen.
Thank you for sharing so intimately about your relationship Anne… so very inspiring to bring the truth of how we can truly be with one another.
If all our relationships were based on true intimacy our world would be very different.
Holding back just one thing, small or big, it’s like we build a wall between others and ourselves. Expressing and sharing without expectation brings all of this down and stops us having to resort to ladders to get around. Thank you Anne for opening up.
We can only truly share with another the level of depth and intimacy we have connected to within us. Love ignites love so naturally when we allow it.
Thank you Anne, it is inspiring to feel how your relationship has developed from the willingness you both have to explore and deepen with yourselves. When we become more loving and intimate with ourselves having sex feels very empty.
And what I find really interesting and inspiring is that it is the quality of all our relationships and interactions during a day that advance or hinder our relationships with our partners and this is confirmed in the quality of our physical love making.
The physical act of making love is as pure and sweet as the way we interact with our partners throughout the day… it is a continuum of how we are when we are together and apart, a confirmation of the quality of our relationship, rather than an isolated event. I love deepening my understanding of this and the huge significance of it.
There is always so much more depth, honesty, understanding, connection and intimacy we can bring to a relationship and all this is making love.
The sad thing is we all crave true intimacy and we have settled for far less.
So true, Kim, it’s as though we make an unspoken deal with each other to ‘not rock the boat’. To not challenge the other person, but to stay in this cosy comfortableness, which in truth is suffocating. It’s through a willingness to be honest and strip back the layers that we discover the treasure underneath, the absolute beauty in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and to truly care for each other in this space.
We crave that intimacy in all our relationships – to really connect with other human beings in the way we talk, walk, shop, work, eat and move. That is the real purpose in life.
I can so relate to all you have shared in this blog, as I’m sure many women and men will also. Measuring our love for each other based on our sex lives has become the ‘norm’. It becomes a way to cope within our relationships, almost a band aid so we don’t have to feel the lovelessness that we are living. Until we choose to deepen our love we live at a level which provides comfort and asked nothing of us to be more.
Intimacy is so interesting, I know with my husband we will deepen and deepen and then something in me says no – with the belief it can’t be this good! Crazy huh, its like I have to de-program myself and release more beliefs and protection each time we hit another level of openness and love with each other in order for me to go deeper.
Intimacy is so much more than how it is portrayed in society. It is being open and vulnerable in yourself and sharing yourself without weakness, It is powerful and it is beautiful to receive and give. I am learning lots about this, letting myself be seen and sharing who I am.
I can see how it is not just about having sex but the quality of the sex that counts. And that this quality comes from connection.
I realised recently that I used to find it easier to touch a man’s penis than I did to stroke his face because stroking a man’s face is so much more intimate than stroking his penis!
It is beautiful to let ourselves be seen in full in all our beauty and all the imperfections, as only then will we be able to see where there are still habits and desires that are destructive rather than loving.
Beautiful sharing Anne, leading the way to true relationship.
We have come to believe that the more athletic sex is, or the more varied it is, the more toys that we use or the more outrageous it is, the ‘better’ it is but I have come to feel that the more stripped back’ that it is, stripped back meaning simply the meeting of two people who have already met themselves in full, joining together in loving union, then the fuller it is.
Yes and it doesn’t need to have anything to do with being sexual! Intimacy feels like it is related to our willingness to be transparent with each other, to embrace all our learnings and bring them to a deeper understanding together.
Sex is a very empty pursuit because when sex becomes full, it’s no longer sex, it becomes making love.
Its gorgeous to feel how two people can deepen there love, commitment and dedication for each other and within that benefit all other relationships too.
It is interesting that a relationship can tick all the boxes, not in anyway be bad and in fact be loving but still fall short of the mark of what is truly on offer between 2 people.
Deeper intimacy and connection is always there to be deepened as we evolve back to the love and being ness of who we truly are and it is through beautiful real sharing like this that we can set a way of marker for all we have and long for in our relationships with ourselves and hence with others in our lives . Inspirational and very beautiful.
True love is expressing what is there to be expressed to support one another to grow. We are given opportunity after opportunity to go deeper, letting go of those behaviours that hold us back from having a greater love in our relationships. There is no end to the love that is possible.
And love does not look a certain way. It may be very challenging to bring something up, call something out, or simply say no to certain behaviours. They can also be forms of love.
I agree Caroline. Truly loving relationships are about supporting each to grow in awareness, a continual process of honest sharing and reflection that positively challenges us to keep on expanding both personally and as a couple. A process that keeps on opening up new levels of love that we never thought possible.
What I feel you are offering here Caroline is the fact that love is not soft and smooshy, but can be challenging and firm when we support one another to live our full potential. I love this as an invitation to break out of patterns of comfy, rose tinted ‘love’ and into grand evolutionary true love.
When we see the reality of the city we do not see intimacy. We do not have intimacy with ourselves. We do many things but there is no quality to speak of. We judge, we do not accept, we are not honest, we are not understanding of ourselves and others. Most of all we do not express truth and we do not want to feel. All of this is reality, but can we appreciate and see why we choose this?
‘ in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections’, makes sense that true intimacy is present throughout our day, as opposed to viewing intimacy like a tap that can be turned on and off at ones desire.
I agree Jacqueline, when we develop intimacy with ourselves, we are able to bring this to all of our relationships, it is a part of our expression, our quality of movement throughout our day.
It’s lovely to develop the intimate connections we share through the day where we can be totally open and transparent with another person and with ourself.
Thank you Anne for writing about the way that in relationships there can so often be a focus on the environment we live in or on the practicalities of life and in making these appear to flow, when in fact the love and the care that we give to ourselves is just as if not more important and a vital ingredient in the relationships that we have with each other, which creates the greatest flow of all – true harmony.
We all crave intimacy and that deep connection with others and nothing else will truly satisfy.
Yes and when we offer true intimacy it is often rejected as the quality is more than what the meaning of the word would lead us to believe.
In relationships there is always so much to explore and magic and beauty awaits if we don’t hold ourselves back from going there.
The start of intimacy is nothing physical – it is about allowing ourselves to share openly how we feel with another and in the process feel safe and held and not judged nor criticized. This is the beginnings of true intimacy and hence allows for the physical intimacy to unfold easily. When we start with the non-physical intimacy, it is this that is the ‘foreplay’ and can happen anytime any where!
Such a long way from having sex once a week in order to keep the relationship intact to making love being “an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day”. Everything in life keeps calling for us to keep deepening our expression of love with one another. Without paying heed to that we can keep going round and round in the same limiting cycle for years.
I love how intimacy can be throughout the day, a glance from the eyes, a tender touch on the arm, or being totally present when listening to someone and so many more ways.. and that this can be brought to every relationship.
Spot on Ruth! Love what you have shared here – we are beings that seek the warmth of our hearts and that of others in a non-imposing way, and so it is about being open first with ourselves so that we can be like this with others too!
“Sex and Intimacy – a Journey of Understanding” – it is through understanding from a place of observation that the answers and raison d’etre become clear whether matters of sex and intimacy or matters of economic success and worldly affairs. Understanding is our life-line.
That is may experience as well. Relationships can go deeper / higher more and more and more. Even a truly great relationship can develop further which is quite wonderful.
There is so much more to healthy relationships than how often you have sex. It’s about quality, not quantity and its not even about physicality. We spend more of our days just living life than we do in bed, and if we cannot live every moment building connection and intimacy and love, then no matter how many times we physically meet it won’t make up for every other missed opportunity for love.
Find out what love making and true intimacy is all about has been a blessing and started for me with the Gentle Breath Meditation, which was the start of building a platform towards being-self-loving.
So true Doug, one is like a stream gently flowing through the serene landscape and the other is like a flood-ravaged-river, which is over in a flash.
Greg and Doug,
I love what you have shared here. Yes sex is all hot and steamy and then over. Both roll their seperate ways, so to speak and there is no on going connection. Intimacy on this level I have yet to experience, but I can feel from your sharing that there is no going seperate ways, even when each has their own life to lead, that there is still a connection, checking in and touching base that is not a must do, but a natural way to be with each other.
I love that a relationship can be re-founded on connection after so many years of basing intimacy on sex. It seems it is never too late to turn around a relationship and make it one that is alive and growing rather than comfortably maintained.
We like to think we can compartmentalise life and turn things on and off like appliances. The thing is this doesn’t work, it’s the accumulation of our every day choices that adds up to the Love we make. Ironic when you think about how we speak about being ‘turned on’ when it’s our heartfelt connection lived throughout the day that is the true aphrodisiac. Thanks Anne.
“For many years in our marriage relationship there was very little true intimacy between my husband and I as we know and feel it today, although at the time we would not have questioned the fact that we were in a loving relationship.” This sentence should not be taken lightly, for where are we really at if we can call something void of love, love?
This is an ongoing process. In another ten years the same may be said about today even though that was already amazing as we can develop much further than I realised in the past.
The more effort I make to deepen my inner relationship, appreciate my qualities and tenderly look after myself, the more natural it becomes to love, cherish and respect others, especially my close relationships, which continue to flourish the more I embody the quality of love that I wish to receive from others.
Being willing to know ones self inside out, accept our flaws, understand our choices and have the willingness to let go of what we come to feel harms us builds our first intimate relationship. As is shared in many comments above, the one with ourselves.
That intimacy is not just reserved for the bedroom, or for our significant other is very exposing if how far away from living from our true essence we are as a humanity. If we lived as Anne shares, we would have no need to protect ourselves from another, the tension in our bodies would be remarkably less and our levels of connection with others easier with much deeper understanding. So why do we go against this?
Clocking moments in life that show us what is possible and using them as markers to build our foundation is profoundly supportive and empowering. What a great example shown here of how in this way we can keep deepening our relationships.
‘After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!’ It is social accepted, arguing or constantly having something to say about the behaviour of your partner instead of truly feeling and looking to who your partner is and who you are yourself. The moment when you stop to adhere to social standards and open up to what is there to discover, what life and relationships are truly about, it all gets more simple and true love comes back into our lives. Thank you Anne for opening up and sharing your experiences with the world.
How beautiful to read about a long-term relationship that is going deeper all the time. This is the kind of reflection that we need in terms of relationships.
Quite often as teenagers, especially for boys, we can be starved of physical contact due to a breakdown in connection with our families and so porn and meaningless sex become a way of getting our needs met without addressing the hurts we feel about not having true intimacy in our lives. As such, the topic of intimacy is very important for us as individuals and as a society.
Awesome insight into one of the things that goes wrong for our young men… understanding one of the ways they may walk away from their innate tenderness and care.
I recently had several discussions with friends about relationships – either ones their in, potential ones they are considereing and where I am at with relationships. Getting honest, there was an achknowlagement of the tendancy to avoid true intimacy and pick safe partners or no partner at all because of all that a true relationship can bring up in you to learn. To me, intimacy isnt just a physical/sexual relationship – it is willing to be open and honest and all of me with another and allowing myself to be loved and adored for who I am. This may sound like exactly what we all want, and yet in my conversations I found more often that its harder to allow and accept. But this is the beautiful thing about relationships, they ask us to be more, to grow and deal with different things we otherwise wouldnt be faced with alone.
Anne, I can feel how common it is that the idea of intimacy in relationships is purely sexual. I love how you have written from your experience that intimacy can be so much more than this. It can be how we greet someone in the morning, how we touch someone and how we care during the day. This is really lovely to read and feels like the true meaning of intimacy rather than the very limited meaning.
Intimacy brings truth and transparency to relationships, then there is pure love in them.
“Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.” – yes and also the deeper the self-love and intimacy the less the physicality becomes the focus to leave something much more poignant and everlasting on another [multi-dimensional] level in regards union-ship. To have and enjoy a relationship that is other-worldly in the earthly world is heaven on earth.
Relationships are never at a standstill and forever evolve as we do, should we choose this.
This really does show that a relationship will never stop growing if we give it what it needs to grow and not get stuck in the stagnation that so many relationships get stuck in over time with people just giving up and letting the relationship become totally unfulfilling.
It is super inspiring to realise that our relationships are always fresh… stagnation is something we choose and put effort into.
Beautiful honest and a joy to read the truth in relationships and what we think we have to live up to without the real connection and love for ourselves first and the understanding that comes from this . Our level of intimacy grows beyond all by the simplest things in life with the passing by and look in ones eyes with another and has come with the support of Serge Benhayon – his reflection – and from others living this way: opening up a true way to live and making love with deeper understanding,joy, appreciation and cherishing of one another.
Natalie its great to come back to the very basics of life, or indeed all the things we do to try and be ‘full’ instead of the simplest way, build love with us. Of course for me I had forgotten what that was like, everything in life said fill yourself up on it and nothing really said – you are the answer to everything, you just have to choose to live in a way that connects you back to you.
It is fascinating what we try and fill ourselves up with when we don’t have the fullness of ourselves and Love for ourselves first. As you share Anne in relationships it plays out, it also plays out in addictions as well like ‘retail thearpy’, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, coffee – basically anything that numbs us from feeling the lovelessness we have settled for. Bring intimacy towards ourselves is the first step and this is about learning love, accept and appreciate who we are first. Slowly but surely we get to feel how under all those reliefs we are beautiful and tender beings worth loving.
“After all, none of us wants to live in a disharmonious way with our partner, even though I, like so many of us, had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship!” – yes Anne i’ve heard this too about the arguing, and the statements that it makes the couple and relationship “stronger”. The only thing that makes a couple and a relationship stronger is love, and because of love’s ever expansion, it grows bigger and bigger meaning there is always a pull up to the greater love, asking us to be more (love). When there’s no resistance to the pull up, there can be upset, tears, though it’s a different upset to that of arguing a point and imposition through emotional ways of being. Evolving to a grander love through love is what keeps the relationship healthy whether in marriage, partnership or friendship too.
Gabrielle Caplice and Annette Baker have been very instrumental in supporting my marriage to deepen in so many beautiful ways, supporting both my husband and I to open and see beyond the usual tokens of what we assume is love. When we focus on intimacy, respect and honesty it can only bring a much deeper quality to our love making, restoring a sparkle to our 20 year relationship we never felt was possible. (Published with the consent of my husband.)
Thank you for an open and honest sharing about the awesome evolution in your relationship. It’s clear that you both said yes to go deeper, ~ this is very inspiring.
Thanks, Anne. It’s great to expose the beliefs and ideals we have taken on about what a healthy sex life is and what we feel obliged to do in order to keep the marriage going; when all of this is void of the true connection and intimacy that starts with a smile or looking into another’s eyes.
Anne, this article offers an amazing support for men and women on how to be in a truly loving, intimate relationship. What you are sharing here is gold. ‘The ‘intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass’.
The more transparent and understanding one becomes in relationships, the more maneuvering under the waters gets exposed and the less you accept management as the way to go forward.
So true Eduardo, I have found how much I try to control life and situations and relationships to fit into a picture I have had. Whereas when I just let go and allow transparency and understanding then the pictures no longer hold the power rather what is experienced is far deeper and exactly what is needed. After all who I am to say what another needs?
I like that, Eduardo – “manoeuvring under the waters” is a great description of the subtle games we play to get our needs met, to stay in control and in protection. Transparency is a game-changer in relationships…
Beautiful Eduardo. The manoeuvring under the waters is something we think no one can see but everyone can feel it. How freeing to be transparent and that is how we let true love in and out – with our transparency.
“Without a deeper understanding of self-love and true intimacy, we sought the physical closeness of the sexual act to fill this need, which of course it never did.” Superb article Anne, thank you. What a huge shift this is to truly understand that sex and the frequency with which we have it in our relationships is not a true marker or representation of love. When we bring our focus to the quality of relationship throughout our day, with our selves and with each other, the eye contact, honesty, tender touch, the playfulness and true respect naturally builds our love for each other. It is these qualities that then become the marker for a quality that permeates all of life including making love physically with a rich and forever deepening warmth.
Intimacy is something that I have shied away from talking about in the past, associating it with sex and very private matters. But it feels important to discuss it, and look at ways we can be more intimate in every relationship as well as with ourselves, with regards to the level of openness and transparency we can bring and continue to deepen.
I agree, Janet, it is very beautiful to be talking about intimacy and bringing our awareness back to the true quality of this word. Isn’t it interesting that we try and sully some of the most beautiful words?
The flirting tender touch and the deep mutual connection with just a look deep into each other’s eyes where nothing is wanted or given is making and sharing love.
Beautiful Steve.
The evolution of every relationship is reflective of the evolution we have with ourselves, what a celebration.
This is such an honest recount of what many experience in a relationship, the outplays of how we do life and the impact this has on ourselves and those closest to us. Many crave a deeper level of love and closeness in their relationships but often past hurts stop them from going deeper with this.
Thank you Anne for this beautiful and honest blog that opens up a can of worms for all couples in the sense that so many of us can be thinking there is nothing ‘wrong’ with our relationships as it conforms to the societal norm. And yet if we are following a script rather than a natural and beautiful feeling within, then there is nothing ‘normal’ about this!
Wow what a huge difference there is between the resignation to being tired and declining sex lives, and the depth of awareness and joy expressed in your current relationship with your partner: “today, making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day”. Such a gorgeous turn around due to the greater understanding and your choice to explore and deepen your relationship. The insight offered in this blog about relationships is absolute gold.
Deep down we know what true connection is and often we miss it in our relationships making us move to another or the next relationship instead of finding out together what true intimacy can be. This is one of the biggest changes in my life, to find out how to deepen relationships, truly remove obstacles in the way, communicate in full and clear to open more and more.
‘Deep down we know what true connection is’ and that’s because deep down we ARE true connection, we are the interconnectedness of Life itself.
It is very easy to use physical intimacy for relief and connection but without a true loving connection to ourselves and our partner the expression of physical intimacy leaves us feeling empty and alone.
I can really see how this plays out…the trying to protect or hide our hurts (which are impossible to hide forever anyway!) which blocks any deepening of the connection we have with others.
Yes, Anne. Frustration builds in relationship when we are not connecting and developing intimacy in a way we know is possible with one another, but it is never too late to bring that level of commitment and love into every interaction.
I want to talk about the myth about arguing is something healthy for the relationship: our spirit just loves to find solutions to problems, which can be the cause for an argument. But what, if the problem is created by the spirit in the first place? So arguing or fighting might give you a feeling of moving on or clearing some great amazing things, finding THE solution, but instead you are actually coming back to the same spot as before “the problem” as everything that was there was not true and real anyway. The only thing that happened was putting you and the other person on delay in the relationship and poisoning your body by possible reactions so that true intimacy and surrender to each other is avoided for a little longer.
There are all these rules and proofs you can read in a women’s magazine about sex life and what is best etc. But are we robots? Is it an act of connection and intimacy way beyond physicality before it becomes a physical act or just a simple task or fun you enjoy or relief yourself in life by performing and checking any boxes?
It is great to see a relationship flourish instead of getting old and stale or breaking down. When we can truly respect and love each other there is no reason that this can’t keep growing for evermore.
Making every day an opportunity to deepen our moments of intimacy at every turn is a great way of bringing more love and fulfillment into life without having to do anything else.
Anne thank you for being so honest of sharing your experience you have made about the difference in making love and having sex. Most of us are so used to get the relief in making sex that there is no further question like – is there more to feel? It is inspirational how you describe that it all starts with the loving and intimate relationship to ourselves. With that offering it lays now in our hands to find out what is more to discover in making love instead of having sex.
Making love happens all day, every day in the way we look at each other, care for each other, are present with each other. The physical act is then just that – a physical act that is the confirmation of the love that has been built.
When we build self love and a connection with ourselves we naturally build deeper connections and intimacy with others
This blog exposes how much sex is around relief and not true intimacy.
Beautifully expressed Richard. I love what you’ve shared, it is so true, intimacy is abundant and can be expressed and shared 24/7.
Thank you Anne for sharing your life and relationship so openly. I’m sure many people could relate to your former approach to being married and intimacy and connection being though of as happening in sex, as opposed to the whole relationship actually being a place to be open, loving and intimate with each other. It’s a beautiful thing to read about couples who are dedicated to living more love together and continually exploring this.
It is almost painful to see what we have taken as the standard for normal human life, and in that, what we call normal for relationships. It is believed to be normal that our expression and love making changes over the years. But it is not normal, it is simply exposing the emptiness of the standard that we have accepted today.
It is beautiful to see making love is something that is always there in the relationship because of the quality we live together and not just about that moment when ‘it’ (sex) needs to happen.. This brings much more awareness of how we cannot just have that nasty snap at our partner because we feel not so good (without perfection) and it brings responsibility to make sure we don’t do that and communicate about what is bothering us without dumping it onto the other person. Plus it brings more consistent joy into the relationship instead of it being a rollercoaster of ‘hot and cold’.
It is gorgeous reading how the expression of intimacy now spans through pretty much every area of your life with your husband: “from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.” What a perfectly stupendous and yet normal foundation we could have in every single relationship.
Anne i remember attending a Women’s group not so long ago where we were asked to discuss intimacy; it was quite shocking to realise the pictures i had wrapped around this word, firstly that i had reserved it for sexual relationships and secondly for the bedroom only. What was so revealing is that i had never considered that i could be intimate with myself, there was a strong feeling of unworthiness, on top of this revelation understanding that intimacy could be how i made myself or another a cup of tea; the cage of ideals i had placed around intimacy was dismantled and suddenly i felt liberated to explore a deeper lived meaning.
I have fallen into the trap of thinking that if my husband and I are not being physically intimate a certain number of times a month then we cannot be intimate. It’s a complete reinterpretation of intimacy. The physical act of making love is a confirmation of the love that we make with ourselves first and then with each other. It is the result of intimacy for want of a better word, not the indicator of it.
I love the awareness you hold Richard that intimacy can be both precious and abundant. Thank you.
As we allow ourselves to become more honest in our relationships, taking responsibility for our own feelings, we can grow in intimacy and ‘afford’ to be more open and transparent for we do not have the investment, the need, underlying our choices.
I love the conversation you started here about the pressure on having sex (at least) once a week to keep your partner pleased without actually talking about all the underlying pressures and feelings and thus without actually being intimate. Making love is something that is there all day and I have to say making love in the flesh is new adventure for me in which I am learning what that actually is. Almost like being a virgin once again.
And not to mention truly making love is super fun! It is natural, easy and fun to live like this together and honour each other in this way. It is actually not natural to us to not live like this even if it may feel familiar.
Yes, Anne, being physically intimate with someone to fill our emptiness is completely different from uniting in the celebration of a day filled with love and connection.
Simply being present with myself and hence in my relationships especially in my relationship with my husband is profound. I cannot underestimate the power of being present and the intimacy that comes with it bringing a deeper connection to my relationships.
Anne this is so fresh, honest, raw and an appealing read. Just because one is having sex it doesn’t automatically mean that there is intimacy going on or being experienced/enjoyed whilst that [sexual function] is occurring like so many of us like to think. Intimacy is about evolution, taking something higher in love and evolving, not a climax point to something. The more intimate we can be with each other the greater evolved the relationship – and a relationship we want to keep hold of and deeply cherish for having the joy in being in.
Intimacy is a very ordinary, everyday thing “in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections.” it is not a moment in the bedroom but something that can be supported and deepened with ourselves and others, in any exchange.
Anne, I find this article deeply inspiring and supportive. This really stands out for me today; ‘the intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact.’
If making love becomes something that happens and the end result of living intimately and not for any other reason a natural rhythm will develop but this is not the end goal or focus it is in how we live in every moment that counts.
I would say so Michael, it then becomes a natural celebration of the intimacy and love making in everyday life. The cherry on the cake instead of a basic ingredient.
‘The intimate connections we have with each other are across the whole day – from how we greet each other in the morning, supportive texts and calls during the day, walking together, listening in full presence to each other, touching each other as we pass, meaningful eye contact – in fact intimacy is threaded through all of our connections’. I love how easy and practical you make intimacy look, because mostly the word intimate has been associated only with the bedroom.
Thank you, Anne for talking about this. For sharing about how common it is amongst women to speak about their endurance of having sex to keep their partners happy (and I reckon men often feel the same… that there is a performance they feel is expected) and how life is not about perfection but the willingness to continuously explore, learn and grow. Your openness is very inspiring.
It is interesting how so many relationships crave for this but it is never expressed Thank you for sharing the words to support so many to possibly start the conversation.
Thank you for so clearly contrasting the difference between your perfect picture but functional relationship versus one that is rich and deep with connection and true love and intimacy first before it is physical. We need to develop these standards of love and care in our lives as the normal
This made me want to a little dance…you and your husband are leading the way, showing the world it is possible to live together in a totally different – loving, intimate -way. It is what the world is craving and you are showing them how. Go you two!
Anne – I love how you have shared that making love is about so much more…and it starts with ourselves.
Funny how we can have this script of thinking that if we have sex X number of times per week or per month, then our relationship must be ok…Even having a number is crazy when really we need to make it about how we are feeling on a day to day basis. For myself, I know I need to stop and be honest with what is happening to me if I do not feel lovely and loving and am not wanting to make love – this means there is something that is bothering me – for example it could be that I have either been so busy and hard on myself that I have forgotten my own gorgeousness, or perhaps I am sensing something of that in the other, and hence am not drawn to them. There is so much more to life and love than numbers and linear thinking! Thank you Anne for this gorgeous reminder!
This is cool, because what you are saying Henrietta is that we learn so much more about ourselves and life if we are willing to explore why we feel a certain way (in this case not wanting to make love) rather than brushing it off, making excuses and/or feeling guilty.
Great points you are making Henrietta.
It is very interesting how we learn to tick boxes instead of truly feeling and living life in full and how this is a choice to miss out on so much. And then the feeling of something missing is nagging and hurting inside and we seek to make it go away with so many ‘remedies’ and solutions instead of just returning to a true way of living.
This is what should be written in the women’s magazines Henrietta! Real and practical example of living from love, asking ourselves these questions from a place of honesty and understanding… instead of the current onslaught of comparing that takes place and makes it just another thing that women see wrong with themselves.
I agree Henrietta – for me the idea has been instilled from movies and books and magazines, when women get together and talk about their relationships and its made out that those who are having sex regualrly must be doing well and in a good place. There is so much built up around the act of sex, so much advice and pressure that it to me strips away any consideration or space for love and trust and intimacy and letting it naturally develop.
True connection with ourselves and with others is what life is all about… we are born to be in relationship and to be in true relationship there needs to be open and honest connection.
Great point you bring in, Jane, about intimacy not having an on/off switch but being a movement that deepens the relationship. That is also why we cannot ‘demand’ it to be there all of sudden.
It takes a lot of honesty and hindsight – having come to the understanding of what true intimacy is all about, to be able to claim that sex is used for relief from the emptiness we feel. I suspect this is true for most couples at present but our ideas like ‘if we have sex once a week it will keep the intimacy alive’, keep us from knowing it is the little things in the way we relate that really count. I get the feeling women know this, in that they cant just switch intimacy on in the bedroom, but societal ideals and beliefs get in the way of us honouring this.
This is so true Jane. And we have so many things in life that try to tempt us with ‘intimacy’. It’s a whole industry; and not surprising – wherever there is a hole that needs filling, there will always be people prepared to spend money. Basic laws of supply and demand – and goodness knows that I have spent a whole barrel load of money on stuff like this in an attempt to get that intimacy that I so craved. But, as you say and so many others on this thread have also said, intimacy can be as simple as a look, smile or touch.
What I take from this is that if every single moment is an opportunity for intimacy then any time that we miss, deny, ignore or over-ride these opportunities is in fact a form of abuse on our relationships.
Whooh, that is so true, so the invitation is a contant deepening and clocking every opportunity.
When we build loving connections with each other throughout our day in our movements, consistently, this beautiful intimacy has a natural flow on into the bedroom.
Love reading this blog. Turns everything on its head and shows that if true intimacy is the benchmark, then a relationship will just grow and grow, rather than the oft-accepted notion of it slowly withering as we get elder.
So true. If we leave skeletons in our cupboards they are sure to come and haunt us.
Our most intimate relationship is with God and all of the intimacy that we share with others is, in truth, leading us back to our original relationship with God, so that ultimately we can be re-united with him in full. (Not that we can ever be separate from God but sure can make it feel like we are).
Yes, it is time to look at the true meaning of intimacy. Thank you Serge Benhayon, for presenting the fact that all words came second after the thing or action, that the word is describing.
If we get attached to the word rather then the thing that the word came from it is easy to change the definition of a word.
Anne, what you are sharing here feels really important. It seems that it is ‘common’ in society for us to think of intimacy as sexual and so I love what you have written about that has made your relationship with your husband more intimate; ‘We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply’.
Quality, not quantity. That is a beautiful message from this blog.
I’ve found that although I thought one of my relationships was amazing, there was a lot that was being measured and tailored to suit rather than being truly open and honest.
I am learning that when I am open and transparent with how I feel that this is what brings a sense of intimacy.
‘…making love for us is an extension of the intimate way we have connected during the day..’ this changes completely the way we view intimacy and connection. A beautiful way to be in relationship.
The word intimacy has been so bastardised that it invariably means sex… when in truth we can be intimate in many ways as described so beautifully here… thank you Anne and Peter for your inspiration.
The thing is we are born totally open, honest and transparent… we don’t see children with walls of protection (generally)… and yet we close down this openness, honesty and transparency to live behind a hardened wall … crazy really when we can be so absolutely gorgeous!
I love your description, Anne, of all the little moments throughout the day when you are truly making love, even in a glance or a moment of laughter.
When we begin to live life in harmony with the Universe and ‘being’ the same with everyone we can feel that ‘intimacy is threaded through all of our connections’.
‘We both have a knowing that intimacy is a deep connection with each other, which allows each of us to explore and expose to the other our own sadnesses and hurts, which we had previously buried, and it was the protecting of these that had kept us from connecting more deeply’. As I become more transparent and open about my true intentions I find that this opens up a space between me and another. When a friend quite openly accepted that their intension was manipulative this immediately removed any sense of division – when we feel safe to be all of us in any situation we begin to build true intimacy in our relationships.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, which is inspirational in itself to the truth that honesty and openness is the foundation to a true loving relationship.
To develop true intimacy with people we support and work with brings the quality of relating to another level.
Sex and Intimacy if we want to get it right will always be a Journey of Understanding a journey of deepening our own self acceptance and self acceptance of others. What a beautiful journey to embark on when we allow for mistakes we allow for love to grow often beyond measures we can not perceive.
And what about intimacy in all relationships? How willing are we to drop down our guards and be open with others we share our lives with, colleagues, housemates, neigbours, family and friends? This blog prompts us to assess all our relationships.
Thank you for sharing this Anne. There is such a difference when making love results from lived intimacy rather than a need for it.
I agree Alison, it is a lame excuse to not be the love we are in relationships delaying and holding us back from evolving. Sometimes, I can sense the opportunity to go deeper but do my utmost to avoid and resist it. The key is awareness bringing a greater awareness to the fact that I am in a relationship with self first and this is my foundation of the love I bring to another regardless of that which is in front of me.
Sometimes in relationships we can latch onto one thing about a person and make that bigger, it gets in the way and becomes something to blame for the lack of intimacy. Bringing in the understanding that the person we live with is more than their ‘faults’ and ‘irritating ways’, along with appreciating them will go a long way to seeing and feeling the person in a different light.
If we make the effort to have sex once a week our partner is less likely to wander off! How can we live every day in fear that if we don’t have sex often we’ll be left on our own? Where on earth has these beliefs and many more come from? Thankfully I have let go of these abusive beliefs and I am under no pressure put on by myself to have sex. This in itself is such a beautiful and loving gift I have given to myself and to my husband.
Could it be that even if we livied with true intimacy with everyone, that this way of living would still be too separative, compared to our most innate way of being, which is absolute cohesive Oneness.
We can only be intimate with another after first becoming intimate with ourselves.
Alexis that’s a brilliant point, it first starts with us and then it goes out from there. I love it, takes away the excuses and blame.
A couple could be having sex three times a day compared to a couple who aren’t having sex at all and yet the couple who are having all the sex might not be sharing any intimacy, compared to the other couple who potentially could be sharing many intimate moments together.
What a complete and utter blessing that both you and your husband have opted to re-trace your imprints on sex and making love Anne. Just a beautiful opportunity to bring healing to the world and enjoy yourself immensely at the same time. I Love God’s economy.
I love reading about how you both have developed a deeper level of intimacy in your relationship Anne. It highlights to me that intimacy is about our connection with each other throughout the day. Every little moment counts as they can support us to build a stronger foundation of true intimacy that can be live on a daily and moment to moment basis.
I love your openness and honesty here. I would say not many of us are so willing to be as honest about our relationships and what is going on (or not!) in them, let alone to then turn this completely around. As others have shared it is never to late to bring true love into our lives even if it is someone we have been in a relationship with for years. Truly Gorgeous ❤️
I agree Vicky, I too loved Anne’s honesty in how she shared her relationship with us. it is certainly not easy to go there -and yet it is the most natural thing to do, when we are born with this level of honesty and observation.
I agree. This level of honesty and transparency is the first step toward true intimacy.
I love the connection you make here between honesty and intimacy…being prepared to bare yourselves to each other and be honest about what is going on, even if it is ugly. From my experience in relationships this process of honesty and openness which also includes holding and understanding each other in love in all the imperfections, really does build intimacy and connection in relationships and opens the door for something very beautiful and powerful to emerge.
Society in general accepts relationships that are far less than what they could be. The myth about there being the one for us keeps us locked into a fantasy that we are either lucky in finding that person or not + so when it doesn’t work out we get up and keep on looking outwards rather than being the love we are and working on all that gets in the way. So beautiful and inspiring to feel how you are both committed to being this love with each other and discarding what doesn’t belong.
Yes I agree. it is excruciating to feel the emptiness of what we have accepted instead of the love we deserve.
So very true Anne. There is nothing like protection to close the door on intimacy. Being able to be vulnerable with each other is a real step towards deeper intimacy. And in this way our illusion of isolation will dissolve like mist.
As we each are love it makes perfect sense that we can make that love real with another by living in the intimacy of the love that we are together, we go within to deeper levels of being love drawing each other deeper into love and bringing it out to be expressed in the world. This is the true celebration of union with each other and with the Divine.
I have learned what a genius I am in avoiding intimacy. Creating an argument or issues, focussing on the other instead of on myself, being busy, over eating all really work if you want to avoid intimacy. The great thing when I take responsibility for all that and get to the root of why I don’t want to be more intimate and melt there is a whole new world on offer with so much joy, love and lovemaking.
Beautiful to read Anne and a testimonial of choosing the Way of the Livingness as your religion. Building that loving quality within ourselves and sharing this with each other connecting to who we are is true intimacy and this has nothing to do with sex but is making love throughout the entire day and night as you live it with Pete.
Could it be that even if we livied with true intimacy with everyone, that this way of living would still be too separative, compared to our most innate way of being, which is absolute cohesive Oneness.
I have found having a marker of love in connection is key. Once it’s established and an unresolved commitment is there, this can only deepen, and at some point it will be presented there is more. When it is honesty in communication is required to hold steady and maintain the path of truth, love, harmony, stillness and joy. They are all one in the same.
Well said, Jane. Generally if I mention the word intimacy with clients there is a reaction like a cat on a hot tin roof! It is a word that has been reinterpreted for sure, and it is wonderful that blogs like this bring out the truth of what it means and reflect how enriching it is to develop it in our lives.
Thank you, Anne. What I find so beautiful about your sharing is how it is never too late to bring true love into our lives, and that at any stage of life we can fully commit in ourselves and one another to a deeper level of intimacy.
One lovely thing about realising that intimacy is distinct from sex or making love itself, is that it becomes apparent that we could have an intimate relationship with pretty much anyone.
An open and honest admission and story – really cool, thanks for sharing this. Stimulation from sex or otherwise seems a quick fix whereas intimacy is lasting – and feels amazing.
Truly gorgeous Anne, thank you. You show us that there is so much more to intimacy than we have thought it to be.. A beautiful revelation indeed.
” had been told many times over the years that arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship! ”
Its sad to see that this is the advice people get, that disharmony is good for relationships.
Fascinating the extent to which we can avoid going deeper with the very person we supposedly love and trust so dearly. One of the barriers I am observing to going deeper within our relationships is letting go of the self factor and instead holding greater what is needed in the relationship and in humanity.
It has taken me a while to realise that the sexual act of intercourse is completely devoid of any true intimacy but that the holding of hands can be the most intimate of acts.
Changing making love from seeking relief and to feel complete to express the love already engendered through daily living completely changes the quality and experience of making love.
The feeling I get from your writing about intimacy is of being held by another which allows you to explore your hurts and sadness so that they can be brought out into the open and are not sitting there between you preventing a deeper connection from building. Truly inspiring and thank you for sharing.
I believe that a large number of the relationship ‘problems’ that appear in ‘agony aunt’ columns could easily be rectified if love and true intimacy was to be the foundation of relationships rather than putting the focus on a ‘healthy’ sex life.
What amazing role models you both are – in a world that has very few true relationship role models. You offer another way to be in relationship, one that is forever deepening and expanding – for love has no boundaries…
How many couples are stuck in the same old, same old and put up with what is not true intimacy and love, to merely exist together more out of convenience than anything else, a kind of co-existence, when with a few changes we can take our relationships way beyond any of this and find what true intimacy really is.
This is a beautiful sharing Anne that allows us to see that it is never too late to retrace our steps if what we have walked in our relationships with others is not true to the love that we are.
Thank you Anne and your gorgeous husband Peter for sharing this blog. What you shared is very similar to what I am going through in my relationship and it is very supportive for me to read and for many many others too I am sure.
Inspiring to read this blog which challenges the status quo of what we as society have settled for: an acceptance that relationships generally get stale and boring as you get older, and that it’s just part of life. Having the tools, the commitment, willingness and inspiration to keep taking your relationship to deeper levels, with yourselves and each other is a model for how all relationships can be.
It is so lovely to feel how you have built a foundation of intimacy in your relationship and how this sustains you in the rest of your lives. Thank you for your inspiring sharing and demonstrating how you turned your marriage around and are now reaping the rewards in your everyday life.
What a gorgeous blog and amazing turn-around Anne – from the mundane to the divine.
Lyndy I agree what amazing changes that are possible, a true inspiration for us all.
Wow, this is a stellar article, and really amazing in the way you have been able to see how you both were together before and how you are now, appreciating all the changes you have made and enjoying them too. Beautiful to read and to be inspired by.
Anne this such an important topic, to look at what true intimacy is and how we bring that into our daily life, with ourself and with our relationships and partner. I am finding a whole new level of intimacy is possible as I allow myself to open up with my partner.
So gorgeous to hear that as the years pass you are actually becoming more intimate and closer with each other than ever before and quite unusual no? It currently seems the ‘norm’ for it to go the other way. This is inspiring for those who are not even in a relationship of starting to see what a true relationship can look like.
This is what truly keeps all relationships alive and full. A willingness to be open, intimate, transparent with each other.
Such an amazing sharing Anne – intimacy is so much more than physical – and I am exploring this with my husband at the moment, knowing full well I am guilty of keeping it to ‘just making love each week’ – there is a much deeper level to explore – uncovering hurts, communicating in full, appreciating each other – that I had not embraced before. It feels like a fun journey to be on – starting new and going deeper.
Anne, thankyou for sharing this. It’s really beautiful to read about the level of love and intimacy that you have with your husband, this is very inspiring.
There are so many pictures and ideals about sex in this world that actually have the only purpose to keep us longer away from true intimacy. It is pure joy being in a relationship and revealing and discovering all these lies and uncovering the insecurities that lie within everyone, as true intimacy is something way too long avoided and kind of forgotten in this world, although it is the most natural way to be with oneself and each other.
Yes the pictures and ideals about sex are mere distractions keeping us from something deeper
So true Stefanie, it is time to truly live in true intimacy and not hold back expressing this beautiful quality to the world. Like you shared it is almost been forgotten in this world but we are being reminded here of what true intimacy looks and feels like.
Great to read this Anne, the rarely spoken being spoken about so beautifully.
What is commonly accepted is that it is right to go into a relationship looking for it to fill up the part of us we feel is ‘missing’ and then when this doesn’t happen, for how can we truly expect another to do what we are unable or willing to do for ourselves, we become disappointed. The drift apart naturally begins. Love and intimacy has to start with our relationship with ourselves first.
It’s lovely to feel the growing level of true intimacy in your relationship. How lovely that this is growing and expanding instead of dwindling and reducing like a tired sex life. True intimacy has a fullness and warmth that empty sex can never match.
Very inspiring Anne you and your husband have committed to doing the work of love until it no longer is work but a way of living that feeds you back all the love in the world.
With the process of deepening your relationship by discarding layers of protection you expose that there is no such thing as a boring relationship when you are willing to be truly intimate with each other.
I love the way you have described intimacy, and how you have found that making love is an extension of the intimacy you and your husband have already shared leading up to that moment. Kind of puts the idea that the act of making love is what create intimacy on its head
We can get quite hung up on the ‘we must have sex so many times a week’ picture and end up feeling resentful for giving ourselves away when we are just too exhausted and the last thing we feel like is being sexually intimate with another. What you share here Anne, takes away the pressure of feeling like you have to turn it on because it’s Friday night type of thing and that the being Love is always part of the relationship, not something that you put up with or turn off and on.
I can so relate to the ‘turning it on’ because it is a special night or it’s the weekend etc. to me there is no love in that, it’s just like another job to tick off. Reading this blog has got me considering where I turn it on and where I could bring more attention to how I am with my partner in all others areas throughout our day.
And anything fine in an untrue way or energy is actually a drain on ourselves.
Very well said Julie. How many relationships fall for these expectations, pictures and images of how we should be in a relationship? No wonder there are high rates of divorce in our society, because there are many factors and influences in life that can put enormous pressure on who we should be and when we fall for them, it puts a huge strain on our relationships.
Thank you for sharing so honestly, so often we accept less than the love we are because we think its the best we can do rather than starting with the love that we are and then seeing anything less than that as abuse and this starts with ourselves before we bring it to another.
Society around us also teaches us that accepting less than love is so common – when we all know this goes against what we know to be love deep down by the mere fact that things in relationships disturb us, hurt us or upset us. The relationship we must develop first is the one with ourselves and from here then all relationships will have a marker of truth and love.
It’s wonderful to read how you and your husband have brought more true intimacy into your relationship and how through this you keep setting new and deeper foundations. Beautiful.
The continual expansion is what is normal when you’re committed to your soul.
Beautiful article Anne. Our relationships are formed by all the moments that make up the day and when these are full of love then that is what is felt. If these everyday moments lack love, then the relationship is empty and no amount of sex or flowers can fill that emptiness.
Thanks for sharing yourself and your blog so intimately with us all. I really enjoyed reading it.
Many people have told me this and still do that having a fight now and then or arguing is a sign of a healthy relationship. The other day I saw an online course about ‘how to stay connected while being in a fight/arguing’. When we fight, we are already out of connection. Fighting and connecting can’t walk together, absolutely impossible.
The love and understanding that is talked of here can only be built if there is a base of respect and decency. Could it be that these two values are what we all need to foster, develop, truly implement and live in our lives? Society needs to see again these values in action as they have been lost in the sea of hurt, anger and protection that is affecting our relationships on all levels.
Thank you for your honesty, I can so relate to this and am very much learning what true intimacy is all about. I can relate to the tension of “oh, this week we did not have sex, so something must be wrong” as this is reflected everywhere, especially in the media. I have also learned that intimacy is so much more and it starts with me and from there in all my relationships. It’s in how we speak with each other, the tone of our voice, how honest and open we are etc.
What would it mean to our societal reality of high levels of sexual abuse, if what is shared in this article was adopted and lived?
An article that flies in the face of the so called norm of the sex life of an older woman.
Definitely. And therefore an inspiration and invitation for us all to not settle for what may be statistically normal (putting up with sex) but so far from our natural (making love).
Anne, I absolutely adored reading about you and your husband’s return to living a truly loving relationship that is constantly evolving and deepening. The change in your relationship is so palpable and beautiful to feel.
What a con that, “arguing with each other is healthy for a relationship”. It is but an excuse, a way of covering up and denying that there is something fundamentally wrong, for if you love someone one why would you be in conflict with them? It is also a reflection of feeling helpless, of not knowing what to do to resolve the problem
Very true Jonathan and taking it a step further how can arguing with anyone be healthy or loving. I find I only want to argue when I want to make a point which is definitely void of any true love as love in my experience holds us all equally and needs nothing so why would it need to prove a point?!
This is lovely to read, that a long term relationship can develop such a loving way of intimacy. As you describe, arguments can feel very uncomfortable in the body and our ability to restore harmony quickly becomes an essential part of any relationship.
For me choosing to be in a relationship has the purpose to deepen intimacy in the first place. With me and as a result with the other person. It is interesting to observe how much we shy away from going deeper and what gets created to avoid it. But imagine choosing constantly a deeper way for such a long time- I would call this a successful relationship.
It seems totally crazy to me that an argument would be in any way beneficial to any relationship let alone a marriage! And what’s more is that an argument is a sign of a build up of disharmony within the relationship that often started way back even days before the argument itself. We often don’t consider that an argument is a massive red flag for some harmony and re-connection within the relationship. And certainly not make up sex!
What you share is so important in so many ways – you touch on very current topics such as how so many people assume arguments are not only unavoidable, but actually a healthy and needed part of a relationship – if you are not arguing, something is wrong or maybe you don’t care enough. How abusive is this? That we have associated fighting with love, and then we wonder why we have such issues with domestic violence – the line is easily blurred when we accept one level of abuse. We need to make it clear that there is no ounce of abuse in love, no need to fight to show we care.
A brilliant piece of honest writing Anne that everyone needs to hear.
For so long I too measured the success of my relationship on the frequency and passion of our sex life, there was a lot of pressure, investment and ideals loaded onto this one act. Re-building greater self awareness, care and intimacy with ourselves has has been transformational. My husband and I have opened up, been more vulnerable and understanding and in turn our relationship feels infinitely more honouring, respectful and sweet.
Intimacy commonly and erroneously gets confused with sex.
Thank you Lucinda. opening up to another in full honesty and transparency is one of the hardest things I have had to do in our relationship for it exposes all the little “habits” and non loving things I do in my life but this level of honesty has allowed an incredible deepening in the relationship. And there is more to come!
The word ‘sweet’ feels very important. For a couple to be able to share their sweetness is very intimate… it is like rolling over and showing our underbellies and feeling safe and strong within ourselves to do so.
This is a beautiful sharing Anne on how true intimacy feels, in the knowing that it’s the connection with ourselves first that brings the strong connection we can have with another.
It is almost an essential part of a marriage if we want the love to keep on growing to have counselling of some sort, a third party that can cut through the nonsense we can get caught up in and remove an often stale-mate (stalemate) situation.
Because our willingness to accept support is part of the humility, openness and intimacy that is so important in any relationship, including the one with ourselves.
True intimacy has nothing to do with taking our clothes off, although that can at times come into it. It is the ability to stand before another truly naked and through such transparency allow ourselves to become a window through which another can see the divinity we all come from.
That true transparency is to allow our divinity to be seen is transformational. How many of us think that to allow our emotions full reign is to be transparent? When in truth it has nothing to do with our emotions or our perceived hardships, but about how truly divine we are.
Gorgeous Liane and so very true. We can be walking and being in work or friends and family fully clothed yet being fully transparent and intimate.
This is beautiful Liane. And through this transparency in another, we are able to be aware of our own divinity reflected back to us through this clear and divine window of expression.
Thank you, Anne for such a beautiful, honest and intimate sharing. You have certainly shown that there is more to the sexual act than the majority of humanity have come to believe there is and as a result so many are missing out on what you and your husband have come to know. I know that your honesty will inspire others to explore the bringing of true intimacy into their relationships.
Yes, I agree, Ingrid. Anne’s article is a very beautiful and inspiring invitation for us all to explore the quality with which we connect with ourselves, our partners and all those around us. Is it in line with the love we feel deep inside?
I love your description here of intimacy being the willingness to let go of the layers of protection and guardedness with each other. For me it is about being willing to be honest, open, raw and basically ‘energetically naked’ without shame or fear with another.
Yes being ‘naked’ with clothes on for another to truly see you and feel the divinity that we are all part of.
Me too. And how when we hold onto these layers we behave in a way to protect them and not let anyone in really.
Anne, this is a beautiful sharing of true intimacy in your relationship and a powerful living testimony to the fact that it is possible for the quality of true intimacy to forever deepen, however many years there have been of being together.
I love the way you expose how we can be in so called loving relationships, but each partner still has hidden pockets of hurt buried within. Only when these are revealed and shared with our partners can we begin to be truly intimate with them.
A beautiful account of true intimacy in a relationship. Thank you Anne for sharing your journey with us. We are inspired to know that even and how after many years of marriage, it is still possible to re-learn and deepen the quality of relationship we have with our partners.
Very gorgeous to read about and know what is possible – and going against the common of what society in relationship seems to be reflecting.
This for me is another example that how we are in our whole life can be felt in each part/activity.
I am discovering that if there is no true intimacy with ourselves there can be no true intimacy with others, we can say we love someone until we are blue in the face but actually it is meaningless in the true sense of the word love.
Love is the only thing we ever want from another and we hold back from another thinking us being completely open and honest might hurt another, but it is that holding back that push us further apart.
There is so much in this blog Anne, I love how easy it is to read and the honesty and clarity you write with and how gorgeous to feel the intimate connection you now share with your husband and how that has deepened with the quality you are with yourselves first and then with each other throughout the day. I do pan to return to this blog.
This is great Anne as you expose many ideals and beliefs around relationships. When there is no true love we seek all the outer boxes to tick and confirm to us that we do have a good relationship even though we know deep inside that there are things to look at and deepen.
Very true. Much has been exposed in this blog and much of what has been shared I have heard many couples, men and women toot over the years. Living from ideals and beliefs is not living the heart of who we are with each other.
Building an intimate relationship with another starts with an intimate, honest and loving relationship with yourself and then sharing all that you are.
Absolutely Mary. Taking that intimacy to another and offering the space for another to be just as openly intimate in sharing who they are and all that is going on for them is an expansion of what we have first developed with ourselves.
Very true, it always starts within and never ceases to expand.
Thanks Anne. It is beautiful when people share openly about their relationships because we can all learn from one another. I too used to believe that intimacy was about making love and hence if I wasn’t in a sexual relationship then I didn’t have intimacy. I now know that all my relationships have the capacity to be truly intimate which is just about my willingness to be open and vulnerable with another.
I recently spent time in two different cities abroad. Neither place, spoke English. But what I noticed was the contrast between the two places in the degree people wanted to connect, and open up to you. For ages I thought this was a language thing – but now I see supported by your words Anne, that true intimacy is in the energy we align to. No amount of coaching or classes comes close to the power of an open heart – that’s true Love to me.
I remember too feeling sad when having sex while all I was looking for was intimacy instead. But I was not able to let go of my hurts that kept me from connecting deeper with the tender and delicate beings we are as women and men in close relationship.
It is very beautiful to hear a man speak like this. It breaks down all the beliefs I have about men’s relationship with sex and brings it back to the truth of our unifying longing for intimacy and connection.
For many sex and intimacy are the same or close related and for me too this was the case in the past. But I have found that making sex (we tend to mix up with making love) is not intimate at all when it comes from a need or in seeking relief, it can be very distant and not from that deep and loving connection with one another intimacy is.
Anne what a gorgeous reminder of what it really can be like in a loving committed relationship when we don’t allow hurts and stuff get in the way. I could relate to so much, especially with following the women’s magazines in the past of what is ‘enough’ to keep a marriage ‘happy’ which was all based on how many times a week you had sex… crazy when I think about it now. It so sets up women and men to believe there is something wrong with them or that they need to not feel and just go along with the experts. Yet we are the experts of our own bodies, lives, relationships… we do have a very good idea of what is getting in the way, and sometimes getting support to really flesh it out is the most loving thing for everyone.
Very beautiful blog – so inspiring to see that a relationship can deepen over time and that old patterns can be changed simply if both parties are willing.
Amazing – no agony aunt or superficial bandaids in sight, but decency, respect, love and the willingness to be honest and face things how they are. A far cry from the usual giving up, pretending, making do and the arrangement so many relationships end up as.
Yes. I am inspired by what Anne has offered in this article. There is an amazing invitation (which has shifted something in me about the permission I give myself) to explore why I feel the way I do in any given moment, to let perfectionism and all its ideals go and to love the process of learning that comes from looking beyond facades.
Arguing may not be healthy for a relationship but when communication has been stunted in such a way that expressing is more important than not expressing, the perfection of an ideal relationship needs to be thrown out the window to really feel what is needed to come back to ourselves and each other. In relationships pictures really do not have a place to exist.