There is a scene in the film ‘Chariots of Fire’, where the runner Harold Abrahams sits in the dressing room having won the ultimate individual sports competition, the Olympic 100m gold. There is no elation, in fact the scene depicts him with feelings of emptiness, looking rather flat, probably quite unlike how he thought he would feel. I have no idea whether this is a true depiction of the real life events it charts, but it certainly spoke to me as I recall that scene more vividly than any other from films I haven’t seen for years…
A Scene of My Own
May 2010. Isle of Skye, west coast of Scotland. It’s unusually hot, in fact the hottest day on Skye that year, 25 degrees. It’s a rare, beautiful, blue sky day with only a few ripples of clouds and there are stunning views all around.
But I’m not seeing any of this properly through my weary, sweat-soaked eyes. For at this moment I’m focussed on the road, slogging up the umpteenth hill of the day on a bike, a man on a mission. The euphoria from earlier has gone as my legs have turned to stone blocks, but as I close in on hour number five, the aim remains: complete the 95 miles (155 kilometres) and 3000 metres of climbing and get back before as many people as possible. It’s not really a sports competition as it’s not officially a race. But you couldn’t convince me of that, nor the guys who left me behind at hour three.
I’m not the fastest, but I reassure myself with being faster than most and that pushing, pushing, pushing will bring me the rewards I seek. The satisfaction of another goal conquered, another box ticked.
Giving Up? Not an Option
I can barely turn the pedals and can feel the burn in my muscles go deep – right to the bone, constant low-level agony. I stop at one point, wanting to give up, but that isn’t an option; I’m in a sporting competition with myself, the ultimate contest.
Finally, with the last hill climbed, it’s downhill and with the wind behind me it’s a fast, free ride into the finish line. It still hurts but it’s faster now and the end is in sight. As I make it back I have a satisfied feeling as I collapse on the floor of the village hall to gather myself. This isn’t a big deal to me, it’s what I do – cycle far, run fast, swim hard.
Competitive sports are within me, a part of how I identify myself.
As I take stock and refuel (we athletes don’t call it eating so much as filling up) like a car at the garage, the adrenaline that’s been pushing me around this island starts to leave my body and the glow is replaced with hard reality… what now? I came here alone so there’s no-one here to share the moment with: I’m a little bit lost, what will I do now… with the rest of the weekend?
I head back to the B&B, I shower away the sweat and grime and then I slump on the bed, exhausted and with a fair bit of heatstroke and dehydration. I am alone with myself, properly connected to my body in a quiet stillness for the first moment today, no longer shutting down to the clear signals it has been giving me for the last few hours. Feelings of emptiness arise that grip me, then slowly… tears roll down my cheeks, and an almost desolate feeling takes over.
My body cannot hide how I truly feel after a sports competition – empty and sad.
Starting to Question
Looking back, it’s actually beautiful to feel the tears and the strong sadness that comes with it. But at the time it was confusing: I should be euphoric, right?… another great achievement, a fantastic personal effort. But instead I’m unsettled and unfulfilled. I can kid myself that I’m proud of myself, tell myself how not many others can do this, but deep down I question…
Why am I doing this? When will it ever be enough? What is the point of putting myself through this pain, triumphing over another in a sports competition, investing in being faster, fitter, harder? This isn’t a new feeling but it is stronger and clearer than ever. Where am I really going with all this, where does it end, and what am I really looking for?
A New Approach
Fast forward to today and I don’t do this to my body anymore.
But I had to go through a lot more pain to get to this point, a lot more of these kind of races and a lot more feelings of emptiness.
Competitive sport always brought disappointment: I could finish first and it would be the same feeling. There was no eureka moment where I said enough, stop! It just happened over time as I learned what it is to truly respect my body, exercise within my limits and create a healthier vital presence.
After all, how can it be healthy to be constantly tired, hungry and anxious about fitting in more training?
For because I was super-fit, I was considered ‘healthy’ – but no way! You can’t be healthy if you are constantly tired, always hungry, with swinging moods and anxious about fitting in more training.
So now, instead of fighting my way through exercise, there is no clock to race and I stop when I’m tired. I feel lighter on my feet and eat foods to nourish me, not to fill the engine.
Recognising it’s about how I am too.
The way I am overall has changed too: now it’s about the quality of my being as well as honouring what I feel in my body. I am more with myself around others so they get a much better version of me, and I no longer have that restless feeling that whatever training I do is not going to be enough. I get out of bed easily in the mornings without having to unglue my eyes as I did before.
I can concentrate on tasks and engage with people with clarity and purpose. I can share more fun, more joy and loving moments with others, no longer distracted by this solitary, self-centred pursuit of feelings of emptiness that competitive sports always brought me.
And all this came about because I heard presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine which inspired me to reconnect to what I had felt for years but overridden because it wasn’t what society was telling me, leading me to doubt myself.
Choosing a New Way to Be
I don’t need to outdo others to feel amazing: now I know if a feeling comes from within my body it is always true and that it’s infinitely self-caring to respect it.
And I know that sport isn’t the fix it’s made out to be and can be self-perpetuating, damagingly so, and really quite, quite sad.
There is another way to be that respects your own body and doesn’t rely on outdoing others or being faster or fitter or stronger to feel amazing.
Being with myself is more fulfilling than any race or sports competition and from that being, my potential living feels limit-less. I reckon that’s the way I will now choose, to no longer be in pursuit of the feelings of emptiness.
My deepest appreciation goes to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, for showing me a different way to be.
by Stephen, United Kingdom
Further Reading:
True Strength – One Man’s Experience Of Body Building
Shock! I Achieved A High Level Of Fitness With Gentle Exercise!
Vitality versus Fitness
657 Comments
“…because I was super-fit, I was considered ‘healthy’ – but no way! You can’t be healthy if you are constantly tired, always hungry, with swinging moods and anxious about fitting in more training.” So true – yet sporting stars (who train 24/7) are idolised and considered ‘healthy’ in our world, yet continually get injuries as they push their body to extremes and dont listen to its innate wisdom. Competition is evil – yet so many get sucked in from an early age (often starting in school) – be it in the sporting, academic or music world – any world – all to cover up our lack of self-worth. If we deeply loved and appreciated ourselves why would we want to ‘beat’ another?
I used competitive sports as a way of coping with the world, it was easy to bury myself in something that never really fulfilled me, as all it gave me was recognition and acceptance, but never filled the pain I carried inside.
I remember tucking away 1,000’s of calories while I was doing sports, and the worst part was I could always eat more, my body really ached every morning, and what kept me going was always wanting to achieve more, I too had that empty feeling inside that I was trying to fill, although at the time I was not aware that that was what I was doing. Thankfully my body eventually told me enough was enough, and I am far more gentle and loving with myself and others too.
Superb blog Stephen, its crazy the lengths we go to, to try and fill an emptiness or bury hurts, although I played a bit of sport my indulgence wasn’t the sport but the socialising after, I never really did have the drive to push myself harder than when it hurt but looking back and if I did have my time over I would not even have played the sport I did as I feel my body is still probably damaged from when I did.
This is such a brilliant exposure of the illusion of what sports ‘supposedly’ deliver us. Stephen you write so beautifully bringing to light the truth, through your experiences. It is so true that we do not need to outdo anyone to feel amazing, as who we are within is already that and more, if we are willing to explore and embrace it.
What an honest article about the reality of giving your power away to competitive sport in an attempt to feel something.
We’ve all fallen for this lie, and the truth is, that sometimes it can take a loooooooong time before we realise how much importance we place on running after a ball, running down a line and suddenly stopping or swimming back and forth like a fish with dementia, doesn’t quite give us what we hoped it would.
It’s a bit like anything we invest in that is outside of us. Celebratory events of any nature also often leave us feeling empty once they’re over. So this other way you suggest Stephen, to love and accept yourself first before enjoying other activities….perhaps that’s something worth giving a go…so that when things don’t turn out as planned, we’re left with ourselves – but FULL of ourselves and completely ok with it, because we know we are enough.
A great sharing of one of the ways we try to fill that emptiness inside, and how it never works. I love your turn around and how now, ‘it’s about the quality of my being as well as honouring what I feel in my body. I am more with myself’, this is where I have come to in my livingness too, and what a joy compared to the former way of living.
“There is another way to be that respects your own body” yes, there is another way and that is The Way of The Livingness where there is no competition with yourself or others, it is a choice to be responsible for our every movement to live in harmony with all.
This is such an exposing article of the pursuit through competition, for a fulfilment that is unattainable or at best fleeting. It is gorgeous that through Universal Medicine, you now realise there is another way to feel amazing through being loving to and honouring the body accordingly.
I can relate to your sharing. I used to be very good at pretty much any sport I tried. When I was in high school I wanted to start rowing so I joined the school team, in my first training session at 13 I was faster than the girls in the u18s team who had been rowing together for years. They were all close friends and in that first session I knocked one of them out of the top four ranking and replaced them into their boat. Anyone would have thought this was an amazing feat but after that session going home on the bus on my own, I knew I was in trouble- the Year 12 students who were close friends were not happy that a year 8 kid had knocked ‘one of their own’ out of their team.
The bullying and taunting that ensued afterwards- I was hurt by and gave up rowing even though I loved being on the water. Competition for me kills the joy in sport as you describe the feeling is no longer in you but about meeting some external goal however when you do exercise because you enjoy it- the joy stays with you.
I appreciate your very real and relatable sharing from inside the world of an athlete. It helps me to understand how we are all in one way or the other looking for something but often looking outside of ourselves and our body for this something. In the end this ‘something’ is never outside of us, it is inside us and can be felt when we take deep care of ourselves and our bodies first.
Great comment Monica, I up until now did not really realise this feeling in myself but it is there. The feeling of passing an exam and wondering why I do not feel content with it. I now see life is ultimately not about results in any way, it is about how I am living with myself everyday. As you say the connection with myself and other people is the only thing that is truly satisfactory.
The Olympics is upon us and I can really feel what a distraction it is from what is really going on in the world. Perhaps we need an Olympic medal table of shame, highlighting the atrocities in the world, perhaps one for the illness and disease rates, who can top the medals in dementia and diabetes. So much emotion is poured into these events, so much hype yet at the end of it nothing will have changed, we will still have slavery, child abuse, starvation, war and suffering on a mass scale, and this olympic sized distraction will have finished and some other distraction will be needed to take its place.
Well said.
And now we are seeing in the Olympics literally billions of people watching as competition is pursued to its ultimate degree… And even more separation is being promoted in the world… And no one is seeing the actual awfulness of competition.
Such an awesome blog exposing the competitive drive that so many are addicted to. I recall training for half-marathons many years ago I was totally addicted to my running training and needing to do it everyday regardless of how I felt. I was very sick with bronchitis once and so I decided running was too harsh on my body so I choose to walk instead but for nearly 2 hours! It was crazy the lengths I would go to to complete my training regime and I completely agree Stephen that I was trying to fill an emptiness that never went away even after the marathon had ended.
This blog is a must for anyone who is addicted to the adrenalin rush of competitive sports and particularly those that are driven by being competitive with our personal bests. The emptiness you describe that reappears straight after the short-lived buzz is over is the reason we do it in the first place – to fill that emptiness. You offer a great alternative way of living in and with the body that can enhance all aspects of life such that the emptiness just gently goes away. That surely has to be a winner.
Very revealing blog Stephen and a story that needs to be told and shared. That the appearance of being super healthy, flogging oneself at the gym is not the answer to being healthy and exercising. That part of exercising is feeling into where our bodies are at, not just going for it no matter what the body is saying.
What a great blog on exposing the very short lived highs of sports and targeting personal bests. The harm that is felt goes well beyond the physical body and is alarming to read about.
Ive never understood how driving our body to extremes can be desired or chosen again and again! I think back to running the 800 M in little athletics and I was pooped by the first lap! One thing we do get very early on is recognition from parents and adults about “doing a good job” and “well done” when we do something such as this, it reinforces to us that driving our bodies is what we should do to get the love we so desire.
Stephen, this is a profound blog, and I can very much relate. Once you reach the top, you can only come back down. It is at best only a temporary high – and certainly not sustainable. Such is the nature of sport. It is simply a form of addiction that does not require a needle.
What struck me when reading your blog Stephen was out doing another person when competing; somehow it never felt quite right. I over rode those feelings and tried desperately feel good about defeating another, I never succeeded.
You have beautifully and truthfully exposed the consciousness of sport and the self worth and recognition it falsely affords.
Re-reading this today Stephen brought to my attention the ‘loneliness’ that you felt whilst in pursuit of your sporting activity. This must I feel not be an isolated case. So looking at the vastness of all the ‘sports’ and sports related pursuits out in the world – there must be a lot of lonely, isolated people. After each and every competition, behind closed doors we don’t get to see that true picture. Just the set look of determination, strain and defeat of an exhausted body. How beautiful Stephen that those previous distractions are lessons of the past and no more running (or cycling) on empty – to now being filled with love and joy and to share this with others.
Hi Stephen, thank you for the depth of insight you have brought to competitive sport and the power of the body to hold true in conveying the impact of this. Your willingness to go deeper has reaped precious rewards that you wouldn’t trade for anything. As you have shared – ‘Being with myself is more fulfilling than any race or sports competition and from that being, my potential living feels limit-less’. Inspiring.
In society we are used to pushing ourselves in all directions, this is condoned and supported and lauded, whether it be intellectually musically expressive in sport or work, it is everywhere and yet it is the antithesis of the true and deep understanding that we are all indeed one.
How great Stephen that you realized for you that extreme sports were a way to cover up the ’emptiness’ and the feeling of ‘not being good enough’. How important is this realization in order to make more loving choices. I find it very inspirational how you had shifted this in your life – from competition to connecting to your body – and so responding on what felt true and honest to your body and doing it so. This is very strong and a wise choice if so experienced.
This is great to read Stephen, and to see the falsity of extreme sports. As you started to ask the questions: Where am I really going with all this, where does it end, and what am I really looking for? – you realised that you had followed some false identification. I love this point where the soul gives its impulses to us. Then it depends if we want to listen.
Competition in any area of life creates divisions amongst us – I was recently at a school event where the students worked on a means of transport for carrying an egg without breaking it. There were eight teams and it was a competition with a final three and then a winning team, who were given a prize each. All the children had worked really hard on their designs and had worked well together, and we acknowledged that. There is always disappointment for the losers, but your article, Stephen, shows that there is disappointment for the winners too, as the emptiness kicks in after the event. Appreciation for all helps to create equality.
If I was part of that egg-transport learning scenario Carmel, I wouldn’t have had a winner. I think kids start off going that they will win, but when they get used to there not being a winner, just team cohesion and learning, the effort that goes into the task would be no different to when they were competing, and in addition, all the participants can feel worthy and included in the activity, no one person or team better than another. This is the future.
I just had an amazing conversation with a professional athlete who’s represented his country in athletics competitions. He exposed the truth of whats really going on at an international level and I’m sure across the board. He has never seen so much bullying and competition in sport, you never feel part of a team, the abuse comes not so much from the training but at a mental level, people give up because they can’t take that side of it anymore, there are guys as young as 16 injecting steroids because they have been hailed as gifted and pushed when young, on the front cover of magazines, so they feel they have to try and keep up with it, when obviously their bodies are saying no more. There is even abuse on the track, such as a competitors stamping on another persons leg when running in a competition, but this doesn’t get exposed, people know about it but don’t speak up. So good on this guy for calling it as it is.
The truth is out there, it just needs to be revealed.
Interesting what you share here Gyl in your conversation with a professional athlete “he has never seen so much bullying and competition in sport, you never ever feel part of a team”. A very distorted view of the word team, the complete opposite to working as one in brotherhood. A great expose of some of things that go on behind the scenes.
This is great, I am sure there are many who could speak out what is truly going on in competitive sport. All on cost of the body – this feels so wrong and empty to run after an illusion that is not satisfying at all, but running the emptiness from inside.
Competitiveness is baffling when you ask yourself the question, ‘What Now?’ after winning (or even losing). I used to watch the olympic swimming feverishly for years when I was growing up, but I couldn’t tell you the names of the people who won, lost, or anything about them. The swimmers would have spent years in the pool training, at huge cost to other areas of their lives, their relationships, their education, their friendships, their health, but for the millions who watch them perform, there is no thought about that. Once the race is over, the viewers simply go back to doing what they were doing, most couldn’t really care less about the result, least of all the damage the athletes have experienced. It is all so purpose-less.
Your comment Suzanne reminds me of the interviews afterwards with some of the competitors – their bodies heaving with adrenalin and being on a super high – but truly what would be going on behind the scenes. Just as you mention Suzanne so much training and at what cost to their bodies and relationships in their lives. Some athletes you do not hear of again as the pressures just get too much. Yes so ‘purpose-less’.
The idea that sport is healthy justifies whatever motivation takes someone to the lengths that they do in sport/exercise, but the quality of how it is being done or the impact on their body is generally not acknowledged (although some feel the affect but choose to ignore it) until blogs like this expose the belief that….” because I was super-fit, I was considered ‘healthy’” and the devastation on the body that follows.
This is a powerful expose of sport Stephen: “..sport isn’t the fix it’s made out to be and can be self-perpetuating, damagingly so, and really quite, quite sad.” This is a side of sport we hear very little about because sport is meant to be ‘healthy’, but the focus is on the sport itself and not the people doing it – the way they do it or the reasons motivating them. What you share here Stephen is the honesty around sport that few want to see or feel.
the emptiness of the sport’s competition is becoming more and more revealed… Just recently one country that has had such pride about being always in the top has been revealed to have had systematic government cheating all the way through to the point where the Olympics competition had been revealed for the sham that it is. There is no dignity here, just human greed and the pursuit of an ideal.
Where is the fun and joy in all that pushing and striving in any sports activity to be the best and beat time targets etc, when clearly the body is suffering so much. How amazing that you came to the point of asking yourself “Why am I doing this”? This clearly indicated a big turnaround in your life with big changes ahead.
I don’t need to outdo others to feel amazing: now I know if a feeling comes from within my body it is always true and that it’s infinitely self-caring to respect it. – The notion of outdoing people is present in so many parts of our lives and reality TV shows thrive on the dynamic.Respecting and caring for ourselves and our feelings and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable around others starts to break down this dynamic.
No matter what the activity is if it makes your body feel sore, strained or deflated then it probably isnt good for you
Stephen having read your blog I have come to realise the levels of physical abuse I would allow in order to “think’ I was fit. The pain and suffering after long bike rides which would leave me trying to beat my personal best left me feeling totally exhausted and unable to move for the rest of the day.
In today’s society we champion this behaviour but our bodes are a constant marker to the level of abuse we subscribe to with an array of sports and physical fitness regimes.
The honesty with which you deliver this marvel is the true achievement reached. To be so entrenched in a way of being with our body that does little to serve it and much to punish it all in the name of ‘sporting excellence’, to come to a stop to ask ‘what for?‘ is a true victorious moment. To lay aside the identification that adorns the need to be the best, and to choose instead to deeply care for oneself, shines brighter than gold.
If we all were to seriously celebrate the moment someone starts to love and cherish their body and wellbeing over beating another or winning a trophy, the that would indeed be evolution.
It occurred to me reading this blog today that in competition, there is always an end – a finish line or goal reached, even if not with the result we had hoped for. When the end is over, that there is a moment of “what next?”. It seems this keeps a cycle going, of being ahead of ourselves and always racing towards the end goal. Is it possible that the sadness or emptiness described by Stephen relates back to that point of what next and realising in this way of being, we can never be fulfilled? We never get to honour and appreciate the loving, tender quality of our being in simply doing something for the love it, in connection with ourselves just as we are and not for self improvement, building character, receiving recognition, reaching an end or any other motive that is part and parcel of competition. In this other way of being, there is no beginning and no end and perhaps that brings us back to the divine nature we are already part of and why it can feel so joyful and complete in itself.
“For because I was super-fit, I was considered ‘healthy’ – but no way! You can’t be healthy if you are constantly tired, always hungry, with swinging moods and anxious about fitting in more training”. Stephen, in one sentence you expose the truth behind the façade that because one is an athlete they are super healthy. Statistics show that athletes have higher rates of illness and disease later in life. One cannot disregard and abuse the body for so long without consequences and all for what? A fleeting moment of elation before the lovelessness and sadness kicks in.
I’ve observed exactly what you share with us Anne. So many sporting professionals training hard, living in complete disregard and, abusing their bodies constantly compounding heavily on the body structures and so overriding the bodies natural healthy rhythms. The ‘consequence’ is retiring early and having a body that needs replacements and operations.(often headlined in the news) How does that make them feel? Those ‘fleeting moments of elation’ seem very short to the rest of your life!
Stephen It is great to hear that you managed to get of the wheel or should I say wheels! I am not a sports person of any kind and didn’t like competition of that nature. It sounds like so much pressure on yourself, and as you said competing against yourself for personal best. When we learn to self nurture and Love ourselves that is when we truly listen to our bodies and what pressure and pain we inflict it with. Congratulations on your personal goal !