Recently my eight year old son has gone through some changes – one such change being that he no longer shies away from his vulnerability like he used to. This has taken some adjusting to on my part…
I first noticed the changes after he hurt himself at school one day and we needed to go to the hospital to have his injured knees looked at. Before bed he had a big cry about how one of his friends had laughed at him when he fell over and hurt himself and how later the nurse had been a bit rough with him when tending to his sore knees. He openly expressed his feelings and what had hurt during the day.
On another occasion, I spoke to him harshly and he simply cried. The way I spoke to him hurt and he let himself feel that.
Then a couple of days later, he popped in to see me at work after school just to say ‘hi’ as I work next door to where we live. He was not his usual jovial self. He felt a bit flat and I thought something was wrong. I left work early thinking he needed me, needed something or that something needed to be fixed. When I got home I found he was quite content clearing out his drawers, having some quiet time in his room.
I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. Combined with the other experience when he hurt his knees, I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.
I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ But why was this not normal? Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.
Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility? Is it possible that when another allows themselves to be, feel and stay in their vulnerability, it is a reflection that causes us to feel uneasy, needing to change the other’s behaviour as soon as possible? We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.
In some instances, ‘fixing’ may not be the way, but rather mocking and ridicule. When they cry, boys are called a pansy or a ‘girl’ – as if there is something wrong or lesser about being female. As girls and women, expressing from our vulnerability just seems to make everyone uncomfortable. Male or female, fragility and vulnerability are seen as a weakness and is something to be avoided.
In my case, I was essentially telling my son it was not ok to be vulnerable. This was a big lesson for me – both in how I am with my own vulnerability and that of others.
Since this realisation, I’ve been a lot more aware of my own impositions upon another’s expression and whether it is triggering something in me. Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?
Perhaps there is much that can come when we allow others to be in their fragility, tenderness and vulnerability. We can take inspiration from it and accept the reflection and what it offers. The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.
By Anonymous, Northern NSW
Further Reading:
Building true relationships and positive parenting
Raising Boys – Are we Imposing on Them?
Real Men Don’t Cry
When we open up and show and share our vulnerability it is like the world starts to flow again, there is so much in being confident to be who you are.
A beautiful realisation that our children so often parent their parents in showing the strength of vulnerability.
I know how supportive it is to simply allow myself to feel what I am feeling, so it makes complete sense that it is supportive to allow another the same space.
‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden’, that’s very beautiful Anonymous, I love that.
‘I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. Combined with the other experience when he hurt his knees, I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling’, Anonymous this reminded me of how I was feeling at work yesterday, I was feeling physically quite weak, a bit flat and not what I would usually describe as my ‘normal self’. But although I wasn’t feeling or acting the way that I usually do I was ok with however it was that I was being and didn’t try to either eat my way or act my way out of it. There is an unspoken pressure in society to smile, even if we don’t feel like it and it goes hand in hand with an expectation that we’ll say we’re ok, even when we’re not.
It’s a really good point that when we ourselves aren’t comfortable with our own vulnerability we may think we have to jump in and fix others, when they may in fact just need space.
Yes, us wanting to fix another can be an imposition, and an arrogance; taking a moment to stop and see what we are feeling is a wise choice, ‘Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.’
He sounds like a very beautifull boy indeed ❤️ Great he is honouring himself and allowing himself to feel and express his feelings …. super cool.
I remember allowing myself to cry when I was feeling hurt. It definitely helped me to process what was in the way but very often, adults were confronting me trying to explain to me that I wasn’t a baby anymore and that would bring up so much frustration in me as they wouldn’t allow me just to be me. They would also compare me with other kids who maybe were not so expressive in this way.
Anonymous, I have found this article really helpful and this is a great question; ‘Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?’ The other day I was feeling very sensitive and vulnerable and cried about something that had happened, it actually felt very lovely to allow myself to feel what had upset me and to feel fragile and not try and be a certain way for others, but to simply be raw and true.
So when we are connected and feel our vulnerability death becomes a thing of the past and we can actually look forward to passing over in the power of knowing we will incarnate in appreciation of what we have lived in our previous life. Then this appreciation of our lives is deepened as we carry with us at every age the ability to understand the responsibility we have to live and reflect our divine connection to what-ever age we are at. This is already happening in the Students of the Livingness and their young ones as they deepen in the responsibility to develop a True body that will reflect their essences.
This is true; ‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’ I observe this with people and with myself – that the crying and feeling vulnerable can be very lovely to see and feel, because we are no longer trying to be a certain way – there is an honesty and a rawness.
Yes, allowing ourselves or another to be raw and fragile is beautiful, ‘that the crying and feeling vulnerable can be very lovely to see and feel, because we are no longer trying to be a certain way – there is an honesty and a rawness.’
‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’
This is so true. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable recently in a situation I really didn’t want to. I let go of how people would see me and was very honest. It was my not abandoning myself that I knew would be key to what happens next. I knew I had a choice to put back on the protective layers or commit to being transparent. I choose to remain open and clocked any judgment of them on my part. This is allowing an opportunity for a new, more open relationships where I can let people in and accept myself in full as I can feel my loveliness more. How others are with me is their choice and I’m learning to stay open whatever they choose, which isn’t always easy but is the way back to loving myself and humanity.
This is a great question; ‘Is it possible that when another allows themselves to be, feel and stay in their vulnerability, it is a reflection that causes us to feel uneasy, needing to change the other’s behaviour as soon as possible? We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.’ Since reading this article previously it has allowed me to allow my son to be, and if he is upset about something then not trying to make him feel better and trying to stop him being upset and vulnerable. This has been really helpful because I can feel that if I am always trying to fix things and make things ok then it is not allowing him to be honest and raw about what is going on.
I love this blog. It offers all of us the opportunity to let others see our vulnerability, for so often this is something that many struggle to do for fear of appearing to be weak and so looked down upon. To come to understand that it actually takes a certain strength to show the world our innermost feelings is very liberating. A liberation from the exhausting way we have been encouraged to live, by lying to ourselves and to others.
There is so much to learn from this boy, this young man who is clearly leaning how to become a master of himself.
As soon as we are treated like a True adult, with decency and respect, then the sooner we can deepen our awareness and become a being who is a vulnerable, tender and delicate person that can live in way that is evolving.
It is crucial we teach our children the importance of being fragile and tender and especially that that is in no way weak or pathetic. Being weak and pathetic is no better than being angry and abusive. Both are ultimately the same energy. Only being fragile and tender is the true energy of our being.
This shows we can find inspiration anywhere at any age! I am still learning at 47 to be OK with what I am feeling and being really honest about that. So to watch a 8 year old do it, what better inspiration!
Being Vulnerable keeps us young! I know elderly people who allow themselves to be Vulnerable and gosh do they look younger than many people their age. Showing our true feelings is so good for us.
Perhaps letting others in involves allowing people the space to be vulnerable without the need to fix them or coming up with solutions, as the answers are indeed within us all, within the inner heart.
‘Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?’ Yes, absolutely, because it exposes our own. But when allowing ourselves the space to feel fragile it can be easy to allow another space in their vulnerability and to hold them with love too.
Feeling vulnerable is much like being in the humble-appreciative-ness of our own glory and self worth as we feel our deep connection to our essence. So to appreciate the vulnerability of another is it not that we are also feeling the same vulnerabilitive-ness from the connection we have.
Sometimes it can be challenging to be vulnerable when you can feel something questioning you in this quality but it is really beautiful when we don’t leave this and harden up to save face but to show all of our face warts and all and not be a shamed of it. To appreciate and embrace what vulnerability truly is and how this is part of our innate being.
This is a great question; ‘Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?’ I have noticed recently that I have been expressing my vulnerability and have on a couple of occasions cried when someone has spoken to me harshly. This has actually felt great as previously I would hold everything in and go into my head about it all and become withdrawn, whereas I have found that allowing myself to be raw and honest and simply show how I am feeling allows me to release the hurt and not hold onto it.
Anonymous, this is a great question; ‘I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ But why was this not normal?’ I can feel reading this how we do not like it when people are upset or showing their vulnerability and that it is common to respond to make things better and try and make the person who is upset ok again. It’s great to be aware of this and to allow people to be vulnerable and be upset and cry when they need to and for as long as they need to.
I am so so glad your son is choosing to honour his sensitivity. I am even more glad that you are choosing to support him with that. It is NOT easy for children to remain in this sensitive vulnerablility and not cover up what they feel. Bullying is huge on every level and it is up to everyone of us to support this beautiful expression within each of us. There is nothing worse than burying your emotions and issues. It has to come out at some stage and society is all geared towards making you bury what you feel instead of express it.
When Boys are told to toughen up and don’t be a sissy they are being asked to deny and ignore what they feel. Most of the problems in society come from men who have taken this on in life by denying and ignoring what they feel and have toughened up so much they are abusive to themselves and others. This creates huge problems for men later on in relationships, mental health, and eventually physical health.
To me this boy is normal and real, he will not be a pansy he will grow up well adjusted by knowing himself and be able to deal with life and responsibilities knowing and being real with himself.
It is absolutely ridiculous that being lost is rewarded and being real is ridiculed. It is up to us all to correct this very damaging behavior.
It is exquisite to meet anyone who drops their guard and they also support us to drop ours if we still have our guard up. If we already drop our guard and then meet someone who is also very open, then our connection simply deepens and expands to another level. it is amazing, how we are with ourselves affects how we are with others.
Our society doesn’t support us to be vulnerable and to show our sensitivity, and we tend to shut this down because it is not often accepted. It is amazing to hear how you are supporting your son to be who he is and to allow him to express what he is feeling.
Reading this highlights how so easily as children we can start to mask over our vulnerability and to harden to life, and yet here is a great example of a little boy choosing to not do that.
Children are a lot more open to show the world who they are but if we shut them down and tell them to be tough and to hide their sensitivity and vulnerability, then we are setting them up to struggle through life.
Being who we are is always an inspiration to another – in this world where we can hold so many identities and be a million different people, it always refreshing when you see another naturally being just themselves. There really is not enough people in the world standing true to themselves.
Be who we truly are and all of the worlds problems will fall away.
It is great to be aware that we have ways to cut down anything that asks us to feel ourselves and be in our fragility when we or a part of us does not want to feel fragile or anything at all.
We are so afraid of children feeling all they feel because it reminds us what we felt and we go into patterns of behaviour that have worked for us in the past. Yet that is imposing as you have shared here because it doesn’t leave room for the child to approach it in its own way, feeling the vulnerability of the situation and letting their body guide them as to how to cope with it.
I can see how I have reacted when my children have shown their vulnerability. It has made me feel uncomfortable and therefore exposed how I too have wanted to fix them. It has also shown me how I would leave myself and go into sympathy and thinking they need me to make them feel better. Yet when a child or adult expresses their vulnerability it is such a beautiful moment of appreciation where they are allowing themselves to be seen for who they are… no hiding but just as it is. Thank you Anonymous for sharing
It is a great question to ask: why is being vulnerable not normal? For it feels so deeply beautiful to be met by child, boy or man who is at ease with being vulnerable, as what we are met with and offered for us to feel is a sacred quality that represents the divinity of who we all are in essence. And our connection to this quality that is how we live our true power.
It is such a blessing for our children when we catch these unconscious patterns in ourselves… And stop the cycle of disconnection.
This is such a great article Anon, thank you for sharing, this line is so true in the way I have been treating one of my sons who for most of his life, I felt that he was hurt and I wanted to fix him, instead of it being ok whatever he was feeling and honouring that. “Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.”
Great example of how imposing can be super damaging. This is one that even though I may not be obviously dominating or imposing in a situation I am keeping a close eye to just be me, let another be themselves and then letting go and allowing the what next to unfold.
I love the way your son is holding his own! Even though he can be judged and called names he is allowing himself his feelings and not pandering to anyone. Very different to a ‘pansy’! It takes strength to do this.
I love that this is happening with a young boy, when in society it is so much about getting tough, and going hard and not showing you care. An inspiration and very empowering for him and those around him to know there is a different way to be.
“I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. ‘ what beautiful reflections our children can give us of exactly that which we ourselves hold within equally so.
What a beautiful reminder of how important it is to allow ourselves and another the space to be in their vulnerability without imposing on them that they need to be any different.
Being vulnerable is deeply needed to be real, to be open, to be honest, a deep intimacy with ourselves and others.
There is actually so much strength and power in being fragile, tender and vulnerable – people are so inspired when another can show all of who they are.
I agree and this is from my experience of allowing myself to feel and not try to bury everything, it is powerful to reclaim the vulnerability.
Reading this really got me to thinking on how many times I tried to fix things for my children as they were growing up instead of simply letting them stop and feel their vulnerability. Fixing them as quickly as possible so they would stop crying and start smiling again seemed to be the unwritten goal.
Very true Ingrid, yet when we do hold the space for them to feel we truly support them for in the moment they get to feel the hurt that otherwise gets buried.
So much is hidden when we close our heart to others. Bringing us to a point where when we are connected to our inner-heart or the esoteric expressing Lovingly becomes simple and normal.
Greg so so true, when our heart is closed we are lost and yet our fire, our love and who we are is always there just waiting to be reconnected to. Being vulnerable and open certainly supports us to be connected to the world.
Reading this and remarking over when I have felt vulnerable or seen another’s vulnerability … it brings a feeling of joy over me. I love feeling vulnerable — there is an offering of innocence and realness to the situation giving yourself and others a true choice. It is power-full to honour just how much we feel.
Yes and like anything Rik, it needs space to get used to it and see how much more we are aware of how to support ourselves, rather than hardening up or squashing what is being felt.
Indeed Lucy and that space needs to be a non judgemental one, where we can continually refine and give permission to respond to our ever deepening sensitivities
I agree, Lucy. It is super important to create space, connecting to what we are feeling in our body and honouring it, as this allows us to read what is going on in any situation and gives us the authority to back what we feel.
The space we can connect to in ourselves is divine, it lets us feel our preciousness and would never want to fix the vulnerability in others and neither in our own.
Like flowers that pretend they are castles we’ve bumped and brutalised ourselves, forcing a way of being that’s not natural or true.
Being transparent and vulnerable is something I am coming to embrace – so much more graceful than hiding what’s going on, feeling disconnected and doing crazy stuff!
Anonymous, this is really interesting to read; ‘Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.’ I can feel how we are often conditioned to hide it when we feel sad or upset, rather than allowing ourselves to be honest and to express what it is we are feeling and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. I know that I try and show that I am holding it all together rather than allowing myself to be raw. Children can be a great reflection of being honest and being raw and not trying to cover it up and put on a ‘stiff upper lip’.
I can remember the first time that I tried to put on a ‘brave face’, it was when we moved house and no one in the family was particularly happy and everyone else was also putting on a brave face. I feel that the pressure to ‘suck it up’ is more intense when there seems that nothing can be changed about a situation, so in my case we couldn’t go back to our old house and so in these situations there’s a feeling of having to ‘just get on with it’ or ‘make the most of it’ but in all of these scenarios our true feelings don’t get aired or acknowledged and that’s never a good thing.
When my son was younger I was always the fixer and so I didn’t want to feel my own vulnerability and was stopping him to feel his. This behavior was very harming as he was constantly frustrated that he was not allowed to feel or express what was felt.
It is beautiful to feel how anyone, at any age can call us to be more vunerable. This is how it is suppose to be, that we support each other through reflection.
In my experience most men do not want to see women being vulnerable. It is too much to bear the reflection of possibly going there themselves, which in their belief is impossible. But men and women are no different, we are all tender and vulnerable, as well as steady and strong, all of this support comes from the body.
Reading this today connected me to the fact that I am feeling quite vulnerable and fragile and tears came to my eyes. Thank you. From this space, I can feel to give myself more deeper care and love.
This is so gorgeous .. how your son is just allowing himself to be tender, sweet, vulnerable and with what he is feeling and express what he is feeling and your relationship with him. I have been aware more recently how I can go into ‘fix it’ mode as well and how this definitely doesn’t help the other person or myself.
There is great power in fragility. It takes far more strength to be fragile than to be tough.
Very true Nicola, especially now in a world where promoted pictures/scenes of being tough are plastered all over advertising and social media.
What a great blog. It is true we very often fool ourselves into thinking we are helping others when really our incentive is very selfish in terms of not wanting to feel the discomfort ourselves and not about supporting the other at all. True support offers if the true call is there, has no need and never imposes.
Not needing to please is a stunning quality to be around.
I find it super challenging at times, but also stunning. It is my true preference to be around but gosh I also find it tricky as it is so different to the current quality status quo.
I know teenagers who also tidy their room when they feel raw and vulnerable to feel and to re-organize their space to feel more. It is a very honoring time for themselves.
Far worse than feeling vulnerable is the hardening up of the body and going into protection. The body feels horrible on holding onto all that tension.
It seems easier to put up a front but in reality this way of being induces all our illness and disease. So much healthier for us to be real, open and honest about how we feel.
I agree Gill – going to somewhere like Times Square in New York is where you really get to see a true picture of how our society lives and feeds off screens, distraction and hustle.
A great question to consider when we are raising kids or mentoring others – do we express our own vulnerability? I know that I can sometimes get caught in the parent child dynamic, when really it is about having boundaries and concequences but not letting this harden us.
What I love about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile is that it offers us the opportunity to reflect on and feel how tender we truly and naturally are, and as such allowing us to deepen our connection to the exquisite qualities and power of our love within.
Our vulnerability is like a cupboard that contains all the keys to us healing. Keep it locked and you’ll pretend that everything’s ok when you’re super hurt on the inside.
It seems an absolute must that vulnerability be fostered in our children, so they can know who they are by who they are and not by what society has told them is wrong.
What an important message. Showing us that when we impose on another in whatever shape, it actually takes the space away that we naturally can offer to another to make their own choice.
Anonymous, this is such an important point to raise; ‘ realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ I can feel how with children we want them to stop crying and to be ok. We say ‘it’s ok you can stop crying’. or ‘dry away your tears’. It feels like we are giving the message that crying and feeling vulnerable is not something that we want to see and that we want to stop it as soon as possible. I can feel the desire as a parent to try and fix things as well. Great to ponder on this, thank you.
An awesomely honest sharing Anonymous – allowing another to express their hurts.
Not expressing is what really hurts.
Staying vulnerable is a super power… with it comes openness, an ability to feel what is going on around and an ability to discern. It allows others to stay in their sensitivity also, which brings us closer to who we are. So far from being weak, its an enormous strength that supports us in life.
Imagine if we all allowed ourselves to feel our true fragility – we’d be like a different race! But of course we’d have to let go of the false satisfaction and recognition we gain from pushing through and being super hard. Are we willing to do that?
In an intense, overwhelming or heated moment where there is a group of people involved, often anyone who chooses to show signs of vulnerability or sensitivity is ridiculed for ‘chickening out’ or being ‘useless’, when what if the people that choose to take a step back and observe have got it spot on, and that heated issues can’t be solved by scrambling for the answers and being short with one another?
In a recent conversation with a young man, I came to see just how challenging it can be for a boy to remain openly vulnerable. The desire to harden and become guarded and protected is very present – constantly offering itself as an easy way out of difficult or challenging situations. So it takes a courageous and self-aware person to know that who they are is worth holding on to.
We can all learn a great deal from your son. He is authentic and faithful to himself. He doesn’t worry about how that appears, and he doesn’t try to be nice. A true inspiration.
“Staying Vulnerable” – is one of the hardest things to admit let alone to be, yet i find it is one of the most delicately beautiful things to observe about oneself or in another.
Agreed Zofia and yet it is so incredible when we allow it in ourselves and in others.
Straight to this article this morning as I wrestle with feeling very vulnerable and ‘needing to get on with things’… I understand, in theory, that these two things do not have to exclude one another and today will be a great opportunity to practise.
My grown up sons can still cry with people they feel close with. Maybe many men do too, but show a false bravado out in the world. It’s interesting to see how women apologise for crying in public, as if that’s something we shouldn’t be doing. I remember being very upset after a relationship breakdown in my teens and my dad telling me ‘we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeve in this family.’ Although I didn’t agree with him I still recall the details of him telling me this.
“Recently my eight year old son has gone through some changes – one such change being that he no longer shies away from his vulnerability like he used to. This has taken some adjusting to on my part…” what a powerful and incredible change to both notice and embrace, for him to be supported to embrace his vulnerability feels like what true parenting is all about.
It sounds obvious but a great first thing to notice is that we are actually hurt. From here we can care and be honest with ourselves. But moving on and venting to others without stopping first just causes more pain.
Vulnerability is something we are not used to just letting be – we can feel uncomfortable or at a loss as to how to ‘help’, when sometimes the other person just needs the space to be where they are at
What an awesome reflection to be reminded that we don’t have to please anyone and that we can be vulnerable and let this show. That we are not wired or insecure for doing so and that this is our natural way of being.
To me vulnerability isn’t a desired state. It brings with it a sense of lack of safety. Fragility on the other hand is a state where I can be me, and honour the feelings I have within even if they might at times be raw.
Hmmm I am loving the exploration I am finding here in this article and the comments this morning. I have experienced that I need to be willing to be vulnerable to expose and break through all my protective behaviours that stand in the way of the true strength of fragility.
Yes, Heather I agree. Vulnerability for me implies a weakness, whereas there is great strength in being fragile because we are simply allowing ourselves to fully honour and express what we are feeling no matter what.
Vagrantly frugal with fragility is what I was shown as a young boy, to the point where as a group of young boys and teens we were all becoming so tough we could compete in the most-fierce-competition and to be so tough to not feel the hurts. Fast forward 50 years and to no longer hold onto that tough guy protection, and through healing, my sensitivities have returned, because I have openly allowed myself to feel the tender man that has always been under that crusty façade that we all felt we needed to survive.
I was the same Gregg, it seemed like everyone’s job was to teach you to be tough from your dad or elder brothers to other kids at school, no one ever said that staying tender and connected to your sensitivity was ever an option, that stuff was for girls. And although most of us can do the tough thing well it is never a true way of being and never feels right if we give ourselves a moment to be honest.
I was with a friend the other day and I was upset about something that happened earlier that day, I felt very vulnerable and expressed to them that it felt different for me to allow them to see me in this way, as I was concerned they may judge me or think I was being ‘wimpy’. By me allowing myself to be open and transparent this shifted something in me and I felt a deeper connection with the person I was with, I then felt much lighter and more expansive for honouring how I felt instead of trying to ignore what I was feeling.
It is very beautiful and transformative to feel the safe hands of another in our relationships. The more we offer this to each other the more open, honest, real and transparent we can be… this in turn with start to break all the facades and lies we live behind.
Anonymous, it was gorgeous to read today how you and your son are teaching each other so much about life and humanity. What a gift you both are to each other and to the world – thank you for sharing.
‘Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility? ‘ I would say yes. Perhaps people allow it to a degree but if it starts to bother them because it’s triggering something in them, then moves will be made to shut a person down. I know this is so for me with myself and I’m learning to allow myself to feel. I am also getting to know when I’m avoiding feeling by staying with an upset that’s actually passed.
I was speaking with a friend earlier today. There was something truly exquisite in the way she dropped her protection and allowed her vulnerability to come through. In this moment, I felt her become lighter, more open and a silky quality filled the space that was so expansive. It allowed me to feel more connected to my body and surrender more too. Until, that moment I hadn’t fully clocked the power that comes with staying vulnerable and open. Magic happens when we do.
Indeed it does Rachel.
Yes, I am finding that the more I allow myself to be open and show my fragility at times, the more people respond in kind and share what they are feeling. It is giving each other permission and saying it’s ok to not have it all perfect, and even to make mistakes.
I agree and am having a very amazing time building relationships on being honest and open rather than the pretence and keeping up appearances of the past.
“Staying Vulnerable” as opposed to closing up and retreating behind a wall to seek protection, is what keeps us real, relatable and the teacher of love we are. And who doesn’t enjoy the subject of, or appreciate being shown love?
It is so important to let our children feel safe and able to just be themselves
Anonymous, this is very beautiful; ‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’ I have observed this also, there is a rawness and honesty when people allow themselves to be vulnerable, I have felt this with myself and others.
I have known those who have withdrawn so much from life that dementia has been how they passed the last years that they were alive. In this state one is completely vulnerable, dependent on others to support with every task needed to live. Yet in this vulnerability they are unable to connect with another. Let’s choose very carefully how we explore, experience and live with vulnerability.
There is a fine difference between using the word vulnerable as being ‘at risk’ in someway and it being a chosen way to be as we dismantle protective behaviours that keep us at arm’s length from one another.
This evening I was walking along a street right on dusk, when lights were on inside the homes that I was walking past and it struck me just how alone many are and feel. Watching a man do his dishes really brought home just how isolated we make ourselves when we harden to our experiences in life and hold back allowing our vulnerability, and in so doing others, to be a part of our lives.
‘He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was.’ – The need to please others is a plague in our society and so supporting children to be confident in their own skin is pure gold.
If only all our children were supported and encouraged to stay vulnerable and open to their own feelings, as they grow up we would have a much more honest and mentally stable society.
Yes so true, its up to us to start this with our families to then reflect to others, then there will be a day when the rest of humanity will do the same
True Sam, we need to break the generation cycle we are currently in.
The minute we are told as men and woman that it is not ok to be vulnerable and we have to shut this down and be hard is the moment we have a choice and say no to this or we can follow suit as the generations before us have done and keep a ingrained belief eat away at our very innate, natural way of being.
‘Staying vulnerable’ – a great thing to remind myself of throughout my day, dispensing with the guards and protection that keep people at arm’s length and all of us isolated from one another.
This article actually makes me feel the harshness that we have made life to be. The rules, expectations, beliefs, ideals that govern how we think we need to live are the complete opposite to how we can choose to be, if, as is shared here, we allow ourselves to be comfortable with what we are feeling.
Being vulnerable, is feeling everything there is to feel, this is something I am only just starting to comprehend, having wrapped myself up in protection and hardness for so many years.
Yes and the level of letting go with this may be frightening but it truly is powerful when we come out the other end.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is simply showing more of ourselves instead of living behind the many masks we learn to wear to get through life.
Ester yes that’s what I have been exploring, simply showing more of myself, no hiding behind any mask, you get what you see and it feels so loving and a great reflection for others.
To celebrate this vulnerability and not get in the way of this is so loving and nurturing. As we raise children, we have a choice in allowing them to be who they are and not holding back. This confirms that we don’t need to change or harden to get by in the world.
Sharing how we feel especially that we are vulnerable without feeling less, to someone who does not allow themselves to show vulnerability is a honesty and intimacy between you both, although not easy to feel the unease from the other and the possible unsteadiness of yourself but it is a needed reflection for both if this relationship has the purpose to deepen.
This is pretty amazing – that at age 8, your son isn’t shying away from vulnerability but actually embracing it. The more we allow ourselves to feel and show our own vulnerability, to admit that we haven’t got it all together, all of the time, and accept that it is okay and very human to be imperfect, the more we open up the space for others to be more of themselves, too. When we’re trying to get it right all of the time, and trying not to be vulnerable and fragile, there is a disconnect because we’re being hard and robotic. Letting go of that hardness and protective shut down is so freeing because we feel more of who we truly are, and not who we’re trying to be, and through that, it becomes easier to open up to and connect with others.
Feeling into what we call our essence allows us to be very nurturing in all we do including being vulnerability. Then so much of who we are starts with that divine connection, which will build when it is allowed to be our natural way and not shut down.
In the last month, I became ill with flu, sinus and bronchitis and couldn’t fly home with my husband and friend, and I won’t lie I felt vulnerable on the day they left. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, but I did feel very delicate and fragile but knew that it was important to feel it and accept it. When we are brought up to be strong, stoic and in control of everything allowing ourselves to be vulnerable takes some getting used to but it is worth it.
“On another occasion, I spoke to him harshly and he simply cried. The way I spoke to him hurt and he let himself feel that.” This is beautiful and it shows how far away we are how much we can actually feel, as, how many of us allow ourselves to feel how much it hurts to be spoken to in a harsh way. We learn to toughen up and be strong and face the world with an armour, and that we then call life – but where does it truly leave us?
The world can feel and seem a very hard and sharp place so it can be difficult to let go and allow ourselves to be tender and honour our fragility however the more we do the less hard the world becomes.
I love how children naturally show us that it is more then fine to be vulnerable, spending time with children who are still connected to this is a gift as we see first hand the power of not holding back and expressing who we really are.
You are making a great point here – why is it so difficult for us to allow another to be fragile and in their vulnerability? And why do we expect each other to ‘man up’ and suppress our feelings? It goes to show how we are imprisoned by a common regime to maintain a make-believe facade, and so seeing vulnerability in another shakes our own ground and everything we have worked so hard to suppress.
I got a bit angry recently about the way that someone acted that was in my opinion selfish and unloving, but it did not take long for me to take responsibility for my reaction, and instead just feel the hurt. Once this was possible, it helped to appreciate that it is ok to feel what we feel, and that by staying true to ourselves we do not have to launch into a tantrum or go into blame of another.
Understanding that our reactions are covers for how we feel, gives us space to be patient and gentle with ourselves as we explore our feelings, rather than jump habitually into reaction. Thank you, Janet.
Anonymous, this feels very true from my experience; ‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’ I find this if I allow myself to be vulnerable and when I observe my partner and son to be vulnerable. This article makes me aware of the tendency I have to try and fix things if so one of my family is feeling vulnerable, rather than simply allowing them to be in this vulnerability and holding them in love.
Gorgeous
this reminds me of the space that I am giving myself to feel more. Feel more what I have been putting between me and my relationships that is no love or truth.. What you share here is a great example, of how everything might not be as nice as you want it to be, but that letting yourself and others be in that very moment is actually what is needed.. Well a whole other level of being with another is revealed by this.. To make it truly about love and space with each other. Inspiring.
I am wondering whether being vulnerable is part of being truly transparent. We could do many things in response to a hurtful situation instead of crying and all can be used to hide or mask the fact of just how hurt we feel. Without outwardly showing the hurt we are presenting a lie as we are hurt but do not show it.
Yes – it adds in with the big lie of not living our true selves.
So true Joshua, I am learning all about what transparency means and the depths of what being vulnerable is. Its an ongoing development and experience.
What a beautiful understanding and allowing of your son in his vulnerability and sensitivity that is very special to feel .”I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.” Very loving honouring and the reality of who we are in our beingness and the love that comes with this.
Beautiful example of the effect of vulnerability by your son just staying vulnerable. As you wrote we often want to go in the fixing-mode. I had a similar example with a niece of mine, age 12. I had the inclination to go into the fixing-mode. In a way it communicates to her: you are weak and I am strong and… I will help you out of this situation. I stopped myself and instead I gave her my listening ear and to my surprise she had an inner-wisdom and very capable to sort out the situation with her friend herself.
The difficulties of admitting fragility as part of our normal, expose how fragile our own foundations are. It is not about them so much; it is more about us.
When we allow others to feel their tenderness without trying to interfere there is beholding for both that offers space just to be.
This is the safe hands I feel when I am with people that do not judge or impose… it is very amazing.
Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?
A brilliant question Anon, as a young adult i became a master of hiding my vulnerable, given up feelings; I had learnt from a young age that when i cried the people around me would become uncomfortable, that instead of allowing me the space to feel, they would mostly interfere and dismiss what i was feeling through there own investments.
Yes indeed very relatable – we become masters at hiding who we truly are, a task that eventually becomes exhausting.
Allowing others to be in their fragility is not only loving and respectful but also an inspiring opportunity to explore our relationship with how much we allow ourselves to accept and express our vulnerability and fragility.
When someone is being vulnerable and raw they are accessible and that is a very beautiful thing as it provides an opportunity for true connection if we are also accessible but what tends to happen is as soon as another person lets down their guard by being vulnerable and fragile, our guard instantly goes up.
The story of the boy who was hurt more by the friend laughing and the nurse being a bit rough with him than the sore knee shows me that it’s the injuries that come people we care about the most. This is because we naturally know how precious we are and know what love and not love feel and look like. But it’s also because in essence we are all connected and harmonious. Therefore, any harm thrown into the pool that is our shared energy creates jagged ripples.
Staying open to feeling vulnerable can allow us to let go of many patterns of behaviour that we use to protect ourselves, which in truth does not serve us at all, it just isolates us.
I have recently been allowing myself to be fragile when I feel so, and there is something very powerful about honouring myself to this degree and not compromising to go along with what everyone else is doing.
The sweetness and respect in this permission is very inspiring and transformative.
Deeply inspiring read ; I am encouraging my own children to let go of the pressure to conform to protection based ideals and realise it is my reflection of vulnerability and beholding of theirs- that will allow this to happen . Thankyou
The point is when we are not able to handle someones vulnerability, that we cannot handle our own vulnerability in the first place.
It is interesting to read that in the first place we tend to not be comfortable when someone is showing his or her vulnerability. That shows to me that we are so used to live that other way, to make ourselves hard and not show our feelings in any way whatsoever.
It’s such a joy to be in life without seeking to fulfil needs.
In a world where security and protection is deemed everything to the point of creating weapons of mass destruction that can take the whole world out ‘vulnerability’ is like a dirty word as it goes against all this ‘need to protect at all cost’ and yet it will be the thing that turns all this paranoia around as when each of us drop our guard and stand in our vulnerability we will inspire another to do the same and the power of this will be felt by all.
Sure Kathleen, when we all would appreciate our vulnerability more, the mass weapon industry would extinct itself.
I have several friends that have had babies recently and we have discussed how sweet, cute, fragile yet incredibly strong /resilient they are. It’s amazing that even though they are weeks old they let their parents know exactly what is going on for them. So then my question has to be what happens to this beautiful quality that we can feel in them and adore. Why do we then squash/crush those adorable qualities we so connected to, so that by the time they reach say 10 years old there is nothing left to adore because we as a society have seemingly have crushed their light out.
This is so beautiful and so very needed to be heard….how awkward life is at first when we accept another as they are and to be ok in and with their vulnerability. It’s something I’ve spent a lifetime covering up, protecting and avoiding yet more and more I can feel that my relationships are lighter as a result just by allowing in this tender and fragile quality. Like being with a baby, it’s deeply beautiful. Thank you.
Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs? A powerful question to take into my day… I know when I am feeling very vulnerable I feel so clearly and feel so open and tender but at the same time I feel I have to be careful around others – a work in progress, but also appreciating that I can feel my own vulnerability…
Vulnerability is attacked for the fact that it exposes others in the fact that they are also this way but simply choosing to live in forms of protection. It is therefore this which makes it confronting for them.
Recently my son told me he was sad. He didn’t need me to fix anything just wanted to process it on his own. I was honest to him how I felt when he is processing, being honest to myself how I am in my mothering role, and gave him the trust to deal with this on his own. He came back to his very lovely gentleness very soon.
Perfect and timely reminder.
I love the honesty in this blog because it is rare in my experience for a parent to admit that they have had to adjust to the loving choices their child is making. This is beautiful and a learning for us all.
You’ve exposed something really important here; in relationships, within the family and in the workplace we often get really impatient and frustrated with others when they are less talkative, bouncy, engaging and perhaps effective, but in instances where someone is going through a tough time or not feeling too well could it be that our frustration comes from a reaction to how WE look after ourselves when we feel less than 100%. If WE go into drive and function whenever our body feels down, it’s common to vent at this colleague/friend instead of supporting them through the period and to feel great again.
Vulnerability opens doors … when we are vulnerable others get to see and feel who we truly are – rather than the protection we have in place and or the facade we so often present.
love this; vulnerability opens doors – yes, the doors to our innermost.
I haven’t showed my fragility much at work but the other day I came to work feeling very fragile and instead of keeping it to myself, hiding the fact or pretending not to be, I simply said how I was feeling with my colleagues. I had some that were fine seeing me fragile and gave me space and others that were visibly uncomfortable and wanted to know if they had done anything. I could totally see myself acting out both those ways of relating to another when they are fragile.
So often when we express our vulnerability we can be criticised or be actioned to stop. It is when we allow ourselves the space to feel this and hold that for another it can be challenging. Staying true and surrendering is a far greater healing for all than meets the eye.
Deeply beautiful blog Anonymous. I love the way you are truly opening to feeling what is going on for your wonderful young son and not imposing in any way – just accepting and appreciating how he is and what he is expressing – giving space.
It’s very common to want to jump in and ‘rescue’ someone if we feel that they are vulnerable. But in this we don’t actually trust them to be ok or able to handle life on their own. And who’s to say that the help we offer will actually help and not hinder? We can be arrogant in our assumptions about others, and very often we want to help to stop ourselves feeling uncomfortable. I love this blog for highlighting this.
Fixing someone who is feeling unhappy may appear to be the initial response we all may want to do – and in some regards this is ‘normal’ as we can feel another’s unahppiness or discomfort and we want to reach out to help them. However, fixing can also be very disempowering and dishonouring of the process the other is going through. This does not mean we ignore the person or present a cold front, but if we can be there with/for the person to support them with what they are going through, it brings a whole new dimension to both in terms of connection and learning.
When someone else is being super vulnerable and bearing their belly so to speak, it is a reminder of the vulnerability that we all carry within and so it can be ‘infectious’ where we too drop the hardness and protection and allow oursleves to be vulnerable too, in a very beautiful way.
Yes there is actually nothing wrong with being fragile and vulnerable, they are actually beautiful markers for all of humanity to look at how society truly is making us feel and if we then want to keep society like it is or maybe change it.
It is very beautiful to read about the strengths and magic of vulnerability, to allay our fear of it or expose our judgement of it as a weakness, thank you.
We teach our children that it is not ok to feel vulnerable and that there is something wrong with us if we can’t suck it up and be tough – even as girls we are taught to be stoic. To get through life as if nothing bothers you and that you can cope with everything on your own. It’s just crazy because things do hurt us, sometimes we do need the support of other people, and we feel deeply that things are not right with humanity. So to then act like we can do it all by ourselves and we do not need anyone, or see the help as being a failure goes against everything that we are in truth.
I so love the way your 8 year old son showed you the way of love through expressing his own fragility – a teacher of love is age-less.
So much of what we think about others is actually about us and our attempts to control others so that we feel better. Perhaps better isn’t better after all and we can learn from what we react to rather than attempt to change it.
I was recently in the company of a very delicate and sensitive young man. His exquisite beauty was stunning and I felt in awe of his presence, not wanting to impose upon it or change it any way. But then when I thought about him in the world I became fearful and anxious – thinking about how he is going to survive in a world that expects men to be a certain way and at times actively works to close down such tenderness. But then a friend assured me that he will find his way, that it is possible to remain sweet and kind, but that it is a path one must make for themselves and not one that is given by society. I found this very reassuring and have since made a point of complimenting and confirming these qualities that the young man has, just how beautiful his tenderness is, so that he has the option to know it to be a valid way.
The fact that we try to ‘fix’ others does indeed reveal a lot – holding someone else in the love that they are is all that is needed.
What is this ‘fixing’? Seriously what is it? I would say that if you break it down then what it actually is, is an insistence that we all stay well away from the truth. It’s an imposition, an unspoken threat that says ‘you better not be the real you, otherwise they’ll be trouble’. And you know what, we know that there will be because we have all had trouble in the past when we have expressed the truth.
A, the big credit to you as a parent is your willingness to look honestly at yourself and make the necessary adjustments to be able to support your son to stay in his natural expression.
‘Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?……. We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again’. Yes , anonymous it is us that have a picture of how someone should be, and can be uncomfortable with the expression of another in their fragility.
Feeling vulnerable allows others to sense how we are feeling. Allowing others to sense where we are at can change how they respond, not in a sympathetic way but with an understanding and an acceptance. We are being true to ourselves instead of pretending to be something we are not and people clock that.
It’s interesting that we see being vulnerable as not normal and yet when we allow oursleves to feel our vulnerability there is a beauty and delicacy there and it allows us to truly deal with what we are experiencing, rather covering it up to be seen in a certain way, so trapping it in our body.
It is amazing. I had an experience on the weekend that was just like this. It was intense, I felt hurt, but I chose to remain open, vulnerable and simply just feel what I was feeling and it felt like a very different way of dealing with life.
When we give ourselves permission to be more tender, fragile and vulnerable it makes it easier for others to do the same.
So true Andrew, the ripple effect can be felt far and wide when we embrace and express our vulnerability.
There is great strength and beauty in being fragile, tender and delicate. The men and woman I know who live this way are the real deal, so sexy and drop dead amazing.
It is very beautiful and so much simpler when we allow ourselves to just be, instead of being what we think others want us to be.
The other day I had a really challenging situation come up where I felt overwhelmed, as if there would be no resolution of an issue. When I told a male coworker friend I was carpooling home with that I really just felt like crying about it he gave me a funny look with his eyebrows furrowed, as if to say “Are you kidding me, you’re actually going to cry about that!” But it felt good in that moment to tell him “Yes, I feel awful about what is going on and it deeply hurts me to see others acting in such an unloving and uncaring way.
Beautiful Anonymous – we all strive so hard to make this world ‘better’, but is it really for everyone that we do this, or just to make ourselves more at ease? It reveals how much we act still from a selfish covering up rather than accepting the brilliant constellations of life.
It can be tricky letting ourselves stay in a situation where we feel vulnerable as it can fell feel so foreign
I love reading about this, and I think the times are changing as I was on a school trip with my daughter to a local park and one of the teachers, who had been a teacher for a long time, remarked that the boys were as sensitive as the girls and weren’t into getting cold and wet and jumping in the puddles like they all would a few years back.
I love your closing line: ‘The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’ When we are met in this, without any movement to fix or make things better, it is as if we are met in the warmth of Heaven. We can rest within ourselves, deeply reposing and surrendering, and from there, immense healing takes place for all. The power of beholding.
Thank you for this very potent reminder.
I do recognise that at times I can be uncomfortable with the vulnerability someone is expressing towards me. But I do now understand where this feeling of discomfort comes from as when this happens to me it shows me that there is an opportunity to go deeper in connection and to connect more deeply with my own vulnerability that equally lives in me too but have been unexplored for a long time.
It may sound strange that we can be hurt by the way people speak to us as my first impression is that hurt is only felt in the physical, for instance when you fall and hurt your knee or elbow or when someone gives you a punch. But when I feel more deeply I have to admit that I am more hurt by what people have expressed to me by words or by their posture and gestures than all the physical hurts I have experienced in my life until now.
What you have shared here and the blog itself are very respectful, just allowing people to be where they are without judging it as less or wrong or needing fixing. We must carry strong beliefs and pictures of how people are supposed to be to not allow the different experiences we each go through.
It’s amazing what comes out of observing our own life. People travel to India, do lengthy meditations, consult with gurus, and use other practises in search of wisdom, yet it’s right there in our everyday lives when we live from our innermost heart and are open to new awareness.
This is so beautifully honouring of the fragility and innate sensitivity in all of us…thank you.
To simply accept what I feel is a loving work in progress. As I do this more and more, it exposes so much of what I have invested in that stops me from allowing me to simply feel it. For example, if I have invested in being right most of the time, and I make a mistake, it can be difficult to accept this mistake as I want to be seen as right, or in control, or all-knowing etc… One amazing thing about this journey is that in these moments, my investments are exposed and I have a choice to let them go or continue them. Both of them have consequences, which ones I choose is up to me.
Taking responsibility for absolutely everything we feel is something that takes a huge amount of integrity and willingness. When someone behaves in a way that we find uncomfortable we can make it about them and point the finger and make them wrong, or we can embrace the opportunity to take a look at why we feel uncomfortable and open to a deep level of healing. Appreciation for ourselves and the other person is key.
We wonder how we grow men in society to end up being sexual abusers and rapists but we don’t question why we encourage them to shut down their sweetness and tenderness.
Beautifully expressed Michael, thank you.
Very true Michael how often do we actually raise our children to be the natural sweetness and tenderness that they are without feeling they need to toughen up to be able to protect themselves in the world. After all, we ‘had to’, so surely thats what we should teach them. Wrong! It did not really work for us so its not going to really work for them either – sure it may get them through school but at what expense.
I know I keep saying this but I just love this blog, you and your son. I am constantly inspired to trust myself and what I feel even if what I am feeling I find upsetting. Your son has inspired me to trust and let myself be vulnerable and feel what there is to feel. My fear has been that if I were to do so I’d either be crushed by what I feel or I will be caught in it forever!! I’ve let go of much so now both of these things to be false but reading this is very inspiring.
Imagine if we all cried or expressed how it feels when someone speaks harshly to us. A lot of the pretending we are ok and the way we treat each other is ok would have to drop away with this level of honesty and vulnerability.
Being vulnerable is actually a beautifully exquisite way to be… there is such fragility, grace and delicate power in being vulnerable… and when others feel it in you they are like bees to a honeypot because they recognise themselves, that they also have that exquisiteness naturally in them too.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable takes some getting used to when we are brought up to tough things out and override how we are feeling.
Every single one of us is learning. No one has got it taped. We are all super vulnerable.
A quote to put on the fridge. Thank you Otto.
When we feel what’s not Love and how much it hurts we stay real, connected and able to feel. Pretending we are ‘ok’ and unaffected leads to us running away from who we are. So much for toughening up – what we are here to do is simply feel more. Thank you Anonymous.
Being tough and showing you can handle life when deep down you can’t has been a get out clause for many, only now when we can not escape the rising mental health statistics are we waking up to the fact that this protective hard shield has always caused more harm then it is worth.
From living the ingrained patterns in life we tend to react to vulnerability as something that is not comfortable to be with and therefore we try to convince ourselves and others to live otherwise, to not live that vulnerability and instead to grow some hardness around that fragile essence that is the core of our being.
These actions represent the delicateness that men naturally feel which is a joy to read. So often as men – they go into the doing or the drive to override their feelings but to welcome this sense of vulnerability is just beautiful and should be appreciated.
It is natural to be in my vulnerability. It may not be always accepted but if I accept it then this is a reflection for inspiration. The solidity to come to this point is the trust and surrender to my body.
Thank you from expressing from you vulnerability Adele, as it explains to me when I allow myself to be vulnerable and express that to the world, that I feel that surrendering in my body that otherwise would be in a level of stress from me not adhering to the fragility that I am.
I recently chose to cry rather than go to my go to anger. The choice to be vulnerable changed everything in the relationships with the other people involved, it passed and I wasn’t destroyed by being vulnerable rather I felt a deepening ease in just being myself.
On the radio today someone was raising awareness on men’s mental health (and the increase in suicides) saying how men find it hard to be both strong and tough and sensitive. The answer here is do not be something for others be true to you. Let go of the strong and tough and allow yourself to be sensitive. If more men gave themselves permission to do this then it would support many more boys and men (and women) to do the same. Your son is an AMAZING role model for all ✨
The suicide rates in men are a deeply disturbing and very stark reflection of where we are at. So much for men being “the tough guys” – doesn’t seem to be working, right? Vicky – I’d love to listen to this radio show if you could tell me what station it was on.
It is interesting that this toughness has its own female version of “soldering on” when one feels to honestly stop and have a good cry or express that things are not going well.
This is really interesting Vanessa as very rarely when we are angry do we see ourselves as being vulnerable. It brings a whole different perspective to being angry in asking what are we really hiding and not wanting to feel?
Vanessa I find that too, often I’m in a lot of drive or anxiousness or feeling quite unsettled and if I question this I find that underneath there is a vulnerability to be felt. Usually for me it is sadness, and after I allow myself to feel it I become quite settled and connected again. Allowing our vulnerability is so key to our overall wellbeing.
This is so cool to read as I see so many young boys that are told to harden up and not to be a ‘girl’ which I can see is just crushing them. To read and feel the impact of what it means when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and this to be supported and embraced no matter your sex is actually really important. Too many times we harden up and put on a front denying what we really feel.
Society in general needs to change to support our children so we feel safe in our vulnerability, I certainly want to come back in my next life to parents that will support this so I once again don’t have to go miles around the block before I connect back to something I should never have left behind in the first place at such a young age.
The key then for all of us is to live that vulnerability today and support our children by being role models. It is easier said than done when I think about it from my protective frame but it’s super simple when I actually let myself be vulnerable, as is.
And thus we as parents (and future children) need to pave the way for our children by reflecting a world in which vulnerability and true expression of one’s feelings is accepted, is the norm, is natural. The best way for me to do that is to live it myself – in full – no apologies – no holding back – no pictures – no judgement – just me, raw and real.
I have had fun considering this since I read it the first time “We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.” It could be a game changer in communication if we asked ourselves why the way another person is behaving is bothering us before we respond.
I agree Lucy – and I’d also been to explore what this being ‘comfortable again’ is all about. It seems we are more comfortable with the tension and protection of the walls we put up rather than be in the nakedness of who we truly are. Why that is would be great to delve into.
I’ve thought of this blog several times since first reading it and the many ways I can subtly change the subject or move into fixit mode all in order to avoid feeling someone else’s vulnerability or my own. We were watching some old family videos this week and we could pinpoint when we were truly laughing from within and fake laughing to make someone else feel good or special. If we change when we feel vulnerable or when someone else is, then it is an opportunity to feel into why that is, and what potentially needs to let go of the gets in the way. There is beauty and grace in vulnerability.
There is such a gift in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and honouring how we feel. We seem to have this picture that we cannot allow others to see us struggle or that it is a weakness, but that notion is so far off the mark. Isn’t it more honest to be open than it is to pretend otherwise, and from the onlooker, there is no need to try to fix someone, they will actually sort it themselves?
This is so timely; my 47 year old son expressed his hurts to me two days ago and this blog has shown me how I still try to fix it, giving him the message that it’s not all right to feel that way and even to share those feelings. I thought I had stopped doing this but I have been exposed by this blog! It’s never too late to learn.
“was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’” I recognise this tendency to not want to stay with what, is because of our own discomfort. Much better to allow people feel what they feel and express it without wanting to change them in anyway. Instead, we can be a sound reflective presence that supports them.
I understand this experience of watching your child openly claim their vulnerability, and it being in turn an exposure of your own protected ways. And each time this happens I often feel so very grateful for the opportunity to learn from such a small master, who knows way more than I do about how to handle life because they have not yet been influenced by all of its ways.
Staying vulnerable allows us to feel more that may feel uncomfortable at the time but allows us to release the tension that we have been living with. This can often play out in how we sleep, eat, work and relate to others.
I experienced a man recently being open and totally vulnerable and it felt very beautiful. How comfortable we are with ourselves and our own sensitivity determines how we respond to anothers.
“We want to ‘fix them’ so that we can feel comfortable again.” When I was younger I had an experience where I was feeling and expressing vulnerability and the reaction that came back was one of over protection and a message sent that ‘you wont make it through life if you express this way.’ It is important as you say not to impose our own protection and fear of transparency onto to our children or in fact anyone.
There is such an honouring of another by allowing them to feel and share their vulnerability, which in turn offers an opportunity of deepening relationships as we become more transparent with each other.
I agree, it does allow greater room for the other to see and to feel the manner in which they are expressing much more easily than when we go into reaction, hardness and defensiveness.
What comes across strongly in this blog is how the young boy was given the space to be vulnerable and to honour how he felt – in today’s society this never or very rarely happens without judgments placed on the young boys. It is clear that we could really do with more young boys like this one who is being parented to know who he is – awesome.
‘I looked at him and realised he was perfectly ok, that he was actually feeling incredibly gorgeous. He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was. Combined with the other experience when he hurt his knees, I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.’ what a beautiful example of staying with your vulnerability, your son completely at ease with himself. Something I am learning to do now and this blog is a great support with this.
Anonymous, I have found what you are sharing here really helpful: ‘I’ve been a lot more aware of my own impositions upon another’s expression and whether it is triggering something in me. Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?’ The other day I expressed with tears how I was feeling. I noticed from the other person that they wanted to fix things and give advice. What I felt was that this was not needed and it was enough for me to simply feel vulnerable and express what it is what I was feeling. It made me realise that is common for us to go into fixing mode and thinking we have to help solve other people’s issues – very interesting.
Since learning not to jump in when someone starts crying I have noticed the person crying feels less need to cry and comes to see how they feel better for letting themselves feel their sadness but not stay in it. This is quite a game changer for me in the sympathy stakes.
The more we allow our vulnerability to be with us for our entire life, the more we never forget just how tender, delicate and amazing we are. I lost this feeling for a number of years, and with it I lost myself, now to re-connect to me – to allow my vulnerability is like the greatest gift in the world.
One of the most beautiful moments in recent years was when I let down all the walls of protection and shared with a family member how vulnerable I was feeling. It was one of those moments that seemed to last forever, and then they wrapped me up in the most exquisite hug. It was a hug with not one ounce of ‘I need to fix you’ energy but instead oozed with love and understanding. It is not surprising that our relationship has expanded and deepened from that precious moment.
‘Staying vulnerable’, basically remaining who we are is key but it’s nigh on impossible in a world that has been purposefully set up to knock us off track by barraging us constantly with distractions that have been hand crafted by The What is Not to lure us away from Home Base. The only way back to Home Base is via the body, there is no other way other than through absolute dedication to the body.
‘I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’’
When I read this whole article I really get to feel it’s ok to just be – something I rarely allow myself. Instead I try to live up to an ideal. An ideal version of me I’ve equated with success, the details of which I haven’t been aware have been a driving force behind me the majority of my life. What am I trying to fix to fit into an ideal I have running me? It’s worth me taking the time to consider this and let it go so I can return to simply being.
‘ Perhaps I’d been sending the message that he had to be a certain way, that anything but his ‘normality’ rocked my boat and I wanted to fix it.’ We all, if unaware, place these demands upon people to be a certain way and woe betide them if they don’t live up to it! In other words we do not live Love. It is such a grace to ‘live and let live’ (true compassion) instead of in this old thwarting way.
I didn’t stand a chance of holding onto my vulnerability when I was a kid, probably lucky to still have it when I was 5, its as though no one around me knew it was a thing that could happen, if you were a boy you had to be tough and the sooner you could show that you didn’t need to cry that was when you earned a bit of respect.
It’s crazy how we bring children up. I went swimming today and a little boy ran around the corner, saw me and then ran joyfully back to whoever was looking after him. I was struck by just how joyful and playful he was, so at ease in himself and his movements. It was lovely just seeing his natural exuberance, though I did wonder if this would be knocked out of him as he grew up. There are so many obstacles in the way of boys retaining a knowing that their sensitivity is part of the preciousness of who they are.
“Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?” this is a fantastic question to ask, I know sometimes I have known myself to change the subject just as I know someone is about to share something that is expressing their vulnerability. It almost like I get the false notion I have to protect them from this feeling – crazy huh!
Or is it ourselves we are actually trying to protect so we do not have to feel our own vulnerability or sensitivity, as the reflection makes us feel uncomfortable?
I love being a sweetie 🙂
And you are!
Developing our reverence for fragility and vulnerability means we inspire and support ourselves and others to stop guarding ourselves in life and, therefore to be more open and honest with each other… all steps back to the true relationships we yearn for and innately know are possible.
how gorgeous to celebrate and appreciate children in this way – to totally honor where they are at and allow them to be sensitive. What a beautiful foundation and reflection this sets for him – knowing that he can allow this to in all of his friends who might be feeling the same.
There is such a great flow available to us when we share how we feel, as you experienced here Susan. Without any planning or trying to control a situation, by openly expressing whats going on for us with another without holding back, there is so often a natural progression that ends up supporting everyone.
Being content and ok with where we are is such a deep healing within itself, yet we are told at such a young age that you can’t be this. I love this blog and the reflection of how important it is to accepting of where we are.
Being vulnerable is standing open without protection allowing our self to be seen for who we are without the need to protect ourself from perceived incoming forces. As energy is moving through us all of the time, being vulnerable allows those forces to go straight through us and never touch the sides as they can only hurt us when we put up the wall of resistance we falsely think will protect us, which instead acts as a barrier so we end up entertaining the very energy we were trying to avoid.
Well said Kathleen – when we react to it we allow it to become part of the energy we use rather than is it just passing through us. Just remaining connected to love despite anything we may feel keeps us sourced by our own essence and incoming forces have no power over this.
It is our protection that hurts us most, I agree Kathleen.
This is a great reminder for me as a man to be aware of the ways in which I might look for protection as return to a greater awareness of my own sensitivity.
Staying vulnerable – a lifetime goal which can seem so difficult at times, yet its our natural state. Why do we harden up, create this protection and fortress trying to be ‘strong’ when our greatest strength is in being able to feel everything that is on offer? Its the difference between going hard or melting, in love.
” I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.” what a beautiful place to come to within for your son and for everyone also to be so content within and allowing ourselves to simply feel our vulnerability and be ok with this.
Stunning blog Anonymous. We are all on a learning curve with letting ourselves and others be vulnerable without judgment or wanting to ‘fix’ them (or ourselves). I had a beautiful experience yesterday of having to take a friend who was feeling very vulnerable and unwell to hospital. I didn’t want to be ‘sympathetic’ in any way and I called on my Soul to help me align to pure Love. What happened next was interesting. Basically as we sat in the Emergency area I just had my arm around her and then suddenly I went into my ‘funny vein’ and we ended up laughing helplessly – a couple of others waiting in the room felt it too and started cheering up, grinning, and saying a few things! It was okay to be vulnerable, and okay to laugh which somehow put things into proportion.
I am very much focussed at the moment to ACCEPT my fragility and vulnerability. The word accept is huge in this one, because I know myself in vulnerability, but if something happened in the outside which wasn´t loving or harsh I left my vulnerabilty to “protect” myself. I realised the more I truly, deeply accept my fragility, I won´t leave it so easily and cover it up with any false protection that harms my body more than anything that could come from the outside.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we are as well very accepting of however another person feels as we don´t have a need for being different.
I did a group presentation recently and rather than thinking it all through and getting uptight or controlling about how it should go, I stayed connected to my body with a strong sense of openness. This was a major step for me, as I allowed myself to surrender. And even though I did feel a bit fragile, there was such a feeling of strength in just being me.
It opens us up to so much more, when we don´t want to control the outcome and trust. We then become the ultimate vehicle that pours out what everyone needs to hear and not what we think they should hear. In fact we meet everyone with our bodies and not only with our heads.
Its amazing how much children show us about ourselves. I love the moment when you looked at your son and realised he was ok, being ok with feeling vulnerable and that you didn’t go into protection mode and just allowed him to sit with what he was processing. I remember feeling like that as a kid and I still feel like that now at times. Sometimes its important just to be in your own company and contemplate everything. But know that there is someone to offer support and a warm hug when its needed.
What a beautiful example that when we embrace vulnerability we actually allow the other to be themselves and be ourselves inspired from hier sensitivity, that we equally have.
There is so much to really consider from what you are saying here. I have just had an accident, falling over a ball on our way home from a walk, the pavement was full of little stones and I got the cuts and bruises that you get as a kid when you do just what I did. It really hurts and you can forget as you get older just how much it hurts. Our bodies are very tender and precious and feeling that can be quite scary as we realise just how fragile our lives can be, having to surrender to what is and staying open in the knowing we are held in a greater love than can be described.
It is interesting isn’t it – we walk around with an air of invincibility doing whatever we like, but it only takes a small knock like this, or an illness of some sort, to realise how delicate our bodies are and how in truth we should be treating them.
Most of us have to shut down that vulnerability to just get through life or maybe not all of life but at least our school and teenage years because often it can be seen as a weakness even though it is anything but. But still anything seen as a weakness is often pounced upon by bullies. So bullying is a crime on so many levels if it makes anyone shut down anything that they truly are.
Most of us feel insecure in life. Fact. To hide from feeling this way we avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs. When another is vulnerable it asks others around to open up to their vulnerability also and hence why there is the common reactions towards it in order to shut it down. Vulnerability though is a very powerful thing and when embraced and fully claimed as the natural fragility we are it is even more powerful.
Staying vulnerable can appear to be the scariest thing in the world or the most natural one – it entirely depends on our relationship with ourself, how much we accept and thus can hold ourself in every moment no matter what we are feeling. If we weren´t to allow judgement and expectations to take us away from who we are we wouldn´t feel the need to be or feel different and hence being vulnerable would just be something we feel in a moment but not make us who we are.
When we don’t allow ourselves to feel our vulnerability we put up a shield that say’s I’m ok, but in that we deny others seeing our beauty and essence.
When I stay with my vulnerability it allows me to move through things rather than covering it up or hardening to not feel it so keeping it there. I feel more open with others.
Staying in touch with our feelings no matter what, this is what vulnerability means to me. Showing others how sensitive we are is not admitting weakness but builds trust and strength and let’s others connect to their feelings too. Gosh I wish I’d done that today – but know everything is a learning. Thank you Anonymous.
‘He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was.’ – what a gift he is offering to everyone around him.
Michelle, this is so beautifully shared, and I love that feeling of space that we choose for ourselves, be it when we are children or when we are older, that allows us to simple be – what a healing.
When another allow themselves to be vulnerable, it acts like a beam on the person who is not being harmonious – in other words the harshness can stand out like a sore thumb. I have certainly experienced this is terms of another being super vulnerable and I have not tuned into this, and I then suddenly get to clock how harsh my movements are or how harshly I have been speaking. And yes sometimes the other can cry from how I speak or because of how I am with them, and other times, as soon as I clock it, I know to gently bring myself back to being more tender with myself and in this way come back to a harmony that we all hold within. It is actually quite magical to feel how between us all we hold the ingredients that help us all come back to our natural innate tenderness and vulnerability.
I have noticed within myself a natural vulnerability and sensitivity when I feel the harshness of the world that is often filled with unkindness and abrasiveness. To compensate for this I create a daily hardening and protection and relate to what you share, Henrietta about the harsh movements in my body that then follow. I melt when love is shown and yet, I know that I measure also how much love I will let in as this will bring up a level of vulnerability that I have not wanted to feel.
Beautifully expressed Anonymous! Vulnerability can be a quality that brings everyone back to what really matters – a harmonious way of being with ourselves and each other and expressing freely how we feel in each moment.
It’s a very gorgeous quality, vulnerability. And one that I find attracts delicacy.
I remember when my daughter first went to pre-school, she came home and told me how one of the boys had been ‘naughty’ and had been made to go and stand in the corner of the class. She had not come across this type of behaviour before so I asked her to explain how that felt for her. From then on until she left the education system when she came home we would sit down and go over her day and how she felt about it, what was happening at the school how the teachers and the children were. Giving children the space to go over their day and feel the affect it had on them I feel is crucial because they are able to bring a sense of perspective to the interplay of humanity and not take it on board.
I personally always feel deeply touched when someone is comfortable enough around me to show their vulnerability. In life, we develop so many layers of protection and hardness, not wanting to be hurt – there is nothing more beautiful we can do than share all of who we are with others.
Fighting the acceptance of the fact that I feel hurt hurts more than accepting that I feel hurt, having a cry then moving on as it clears. It hurts more because I don’t allow it to come up and out and it hangs around longer than it would if I accepted it.
In our current society, showing our vulnerability is seen as a weakness but in truth it is a strength to express our vulnerability without holding back.
Yes, it’s interesting how people are so often attacked for showing their vulnerability. I wonder if this comes from the hurt others around them feel when seeing and feeling another do something they do not choose for themselves. There is something very beautiful in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, loving ourselves enough not to hide away but share exactly how we are feeling and to be ok with that.
Great blog, thank you Anonymous! I have been a ‘fixer’ for a lot of my life, albeit much less in recent years. Your blog has caused me to stop and reflect on where I still go into ‘fix it’ mode rather than allowing for the vulnerability to simply be there. When I do stop and value it, there is so much more on offer …
A wonderfully honest sharing, and one we can all take something away from. I know that I have often wanted to fix those I love instead of just being there for them as a support and allowing them their own way of dealing with or accepting the situation they are in. I have noticed just how sensitive some young boys and girls are and their amazing ability to heal themselves.
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.” what a beautiful understanding and loving appreciation of our vulnerability and respecting that in ourselves and others and the ripple effect this has is very special to feel..
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.” what a beautiful understanding and loving appreciation of our vulnerability and respecting that in ourselves and others and the ripple effect this has that is very special to feel
I never would have seen it before but now I know there is a real strength and wisdom when we do actually show our vulnerability, some of my most profound moments and deepening in my relationships have been when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable.
Such a very tender and beautiful blog – I can feel myself opening up as I read the words and allowed myself a depth of vulnerability not before experienced.. Until we can fully accept our own vulnerability how are we able to let others be. When we connect and feel our own precious selves we begin a relationship that is forever unfolding and expanding.
When someone around us changes we are all given an opportunity to change which is the beauty of brotherhood.
loved reading this. I can certainly recognise many instances in my own life where I was uncomfortable with the way another person was feeling. I get the sense that this happens quite often. You remind me how important it is to read things observantly and gracefully to create space that supports others to feel what they feel rather than react and try to control situations.
I have been running a therapy group for young men at a local school and have observed that they are quite often in physical contact, even just shoe to shoe… Could it be that all the pushing around and tomfoolery is getting their needs met to some extent, and that they may be better at this than the girls? And when I go to the gym, it is often the guys who are touching each other, just even in saying hello and having a quick hug or greeting ritual. Are young men starting to recognise their need for love and support just as much as anyone?
Anonymous, this is great to read, I can feel how there is such a tendency when children are sad or upset about something to try and get them back to their normal rather than letting them be, this article is a great reminder to allow children to be vulnerable; ‘he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.’
Is it possible that., ‘as girls and women, expressing from our vulnerability just seems to make everyone uncomfortable’ because in that moment we trigger the vulnerably in another that does not want to be felt? If we were allowing of our own vulnerability we would be more allowing of another’s.
This blog made me think of how I am with other people when they have a ‘feeling,’ whether vulnerability or something else – anger, sadness etc. If I percieve the experience as ‘bad’ then I can often want to present a solution to wipe up the situation and bring them out of whatever feeling they are in. Then I reflected on how I do that with myself first- in not accepting the totality of what we are feeling, in not simply feeling. Whatever it is, can we accept it? Acceptance is so powerful as a means of spaciously holding ourselves and others.
I love that you realised and honoured that the changes in your son where offering you to make some changes too. This is a beautiful example how our living ways have an impact on everybody else and that we are constantly asked and offered to see more and learn more.
Kids teach us so much – they are full of truth and their movements don’t lie. So what a joy to behold what it is to be vulnerable and sensitive as a reminder that we are this too.
Yes it is quite challenging at times just to let them be and not try and not step in and try and ‘fix’ them or the situation.
Often when I express vulnerability adults around me would shut off or would react. But my teenage son would be supportive and this is a very lovely reflection that in our connection I have allowed him to be vulnerable too, and he has experienced it. And in the reactions of adults in my and their own choice of vulnerable, it is a golden opportunity to allow them the space to feel and be.
The learning we can offer each other in way of reflection is pure gold.
Love the sharing. Being vulnerable allows us to feel the simple nature of a situation and then if we are encouraged to voice how we feel, we won’t be winded by situations but rather can return to a rhythm of living and being okay with ourselves.
Staying vulnerable – staying open to the raw truth of who we are and what we are feeling. Nothing keeps us more real and more humble than this.
I agree Vanessa as reading the article again this morning I can feel how I try to fix me, I was extremely hurt by comments that were made recently. I didn’t read the situation at all and got caught by the energy coming through the person. And later instead of trying to fix it by telling myself it didn’t matter, actually it did matter. I was hurt and I allowed my self to feel not only the pain of the hurt but the poison I had allowed into my body. This shows me that I didn’t read the situation and by not reading everything that was occurring I allowed the energy in as it was so familiar to me.
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.” I simply love these words and the truth that they hold, a truth if lived by all has the potential to turn our lives around. To be vulnerable is to be our true selves. To pretend we are okay when we are not is to live a lie, a lie that will eventually impact our precious bodies.
It is interesting to consider why we tend to have an issue with fragility and vulnerability as it is a quality in life we dislike or even feel to dismiss in ourselves but in others too. Could it be that there is a power to it that possibly will have the answers we are looking for, for all the problems we are facing in our personal live and in society too, the power of our fragility and vulnerability opposed to all the hardness in the world?
Almost all of my ‘problems’ come from not allowing myself to feel what I feel. The fights or hardness that can come in are just a device to escape life. To accept and allow how it is, and be vulnerable allows my true natural beauty to shine. Thank you Anonymous for the insight
Yes fragility and someone openly showing this so, can really be a invitation for those around to feel the harshness of a situation and be honest about that. This is a great opportunity for change.
Being sensitive and vulnerable is not dependant on belonging to a particular gender. In fact its a true strength that belongs to every one of us regardless of gender.
This is such an honest sharing, one that needs to be read again and again as it requires the reader to reflect on where we ourselves may impose or suppress others when they are expressing vulnerable feelings.
Reading this article has given me something to ponder, how many times have I jumped in wanting to ‘fix it’ and sometimes by doing so making the situation worse. And how many times have people around me become very un settled when I have cried telling me it’s going to be all right when actually it doesn’t feel that way to me. What you seem to be sharing here is giving people the space to acknowledge the feelings express them rather than burying them just because it makes other people uncomfortable.
The issue is that we made being vulnerable a ‘problem’ and so now we get caught up in the game of trying to ‘fix’ it. When the truth is that there is nothing to fix, nor a problem to be had except for the one we create by trying to avoid a very natural state that allows us to feel all there is to feel in the world.
‘..he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.’ An open and simple way of living, there is an innocence in all when we allow the space to feel whatever is there for us.
Indeed Annelies, it is that innocence that is in all of us that can create the space to heal all the hurts that we may have encountered in this life.
The realness of embracing one´s vulnerability comes with a natural strength, authority and confidence.
It’s absolutely lovely to catch those moments where we see our children totally content in being with themselves, to realise it’s our own need to intervene and not necessarily what the child wants or needs.
This was beautiful to read and very inspiring. As a 50-year-old, I am now having to undo all the times I buried my vulnerability, so that it isn’t my first response when I feel something. I feel the way the parent responds with awareness, support and not trying to bring the child back to the socially acceptable ‘normal’ is vital. It is in our homes that we take on a lot of role modelling and it can be a place where kids feel supported to not let go of their preciousness.
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.” For me this is exactly what made us human. Our vulnerability is a gift and most of us ignore it by choice – Thank you Anonymous for putting your finger on it.
An important point of reflection to consider how we may be imposing on others in not allowing them to express as they feel to in any given moment.
Yes I agree Michael, this is an important point and awesome to be aware of when we impose on others and how this stunts their expression.
I am only just coming to feel my own vulnerability again and it is the most exquisite state imaginable when I allow myself to simply surrender into it.
The absolute beauty of your words had me shed a couple of tears. It is so easy to want to try and fix so we don’t have to feel the discomfort, or our own vulnerability. I know I have done this many times myself but so much tenderness and deeper connection with others can come with allowing people the space and grace to be wherever they are. How awesome would the world be if we all were able to be that open and vulnerable. What a beautiful role model your son is.
Ever since my children were small I have constantly and sometimes painfully been aware of how much they reflect to me a beauty, grace, vulnerability and joy that I had chosen to leave behind myself sometime in my own childhood. When faced with this realisation we can go one of two ways as a parent – we can try and shut down the reflection by imposing on children (in subtle and not so subtle ways) to get them to be less beautiful, graceful and vulnerable, joyful, or we can welcome, appreciate and learn from the wonder that these qualities are in children. I am forever working on taking the latter path.
This blog reminds me to stay open and allow myself to be vulnerable. I realise how much I hold myself in anxiety and this closes off my expression of fragility and vulnerability. It feels incredible to express who I am and also when I allow others to do the same.
It’s wonderful that your son does not hold back from expressing his vulnerability – there is a real strength in honouring how we truly feel.
Beautifully said Ariana… and acceptance of ourselves allows space for the acceptance of others too.
How powerful and revealing is it when another is vulnerable… simply gorgeous.
Accepting our own vulnerability allows us to accept another in their vulnerability and the need and imposition to fix disappears.
Beautiful to feel the vulnerability in our children and taking the responsibility to allow and nurture this and not let our ideals and beliefs creep in the way .
In order to really honour the fact that someone is feeling sensitive or vulnerable it requires us to relinquish our own agenda of what we might want to get out of a conversation or greeting with them. How often do we come home and want others to cook, clean, tidy up something or even just be a certain way that means we can kick back and ‘relax’, e.g. not be problematic and instead make pleasant small talk.
When I am in my vulnerability, the people I meet just melt. I feel super open in my body then and my whole face looks different. Vulnerability is for me best friend with transparency – it brings in instantly truth& warmth in a conversation and everyone feels the difference and being welcomed. We miss it ourselves so much, it is pure joy to feel it in another to then get inspired more and more to allow it ourselves. We´ve most likely never got appreciated in our childhood for our vulnerability – how beautiful to see, that there will be a young man who brings it out in this world from young on without loosing it, like we did.
Beautifully expressed and I melted even reading it 🙂
Yes, there is something very intimate and beautiful about being fragile with one another, and letting all of us be seen.
I love the way you have spotted that you can be imposing in order to deal with your own discomfort. Taking responsibility for our own feelings is paramount if we are to not impose on another.
There is much inspiration in seeing another simply honouring where they are – it is like a settlement in their body no matter the situation because they are accepting rather than resisting.
I was with a friend I hadn’t seen for a while and it was so beautiful for her to open up and share and express where she is feeling vulnerable about things in her life and how supporting her to feel that is totally cool. We need to encourage everyone to express and feel totally normal in feeling vulnerable when we do.
Having grown up feeling my vulnerability was one of my weaknesses its been great to see that its anything but and in fact being vulnerable is one of the greatest things I can be with my partner and in life, being willing to ‘take off’ the armour and walk as me is amazing.
Recently I’ve been noticing how I fill in space where a tension might be, finish other people’s sentences and stay busy, all so I don’t have to feel. This blog reminds me Anonymous how simple life can be when we let ourselves be vulnerable with no filler.
Yes it can feel raw, lost and unsettled but gives us the space to sit with what is offered to us in those moments. Appreciation is often the first call.
When space is given magic occurs.
Yes, I have noticed this too Michael and I also notice how loving it is.
Totally agree, we don’t give credit to what our children can offer, if only we allow and honour them in expressing.
I used to go into trying to fix someone if they where feeling sad or vulnerable, I used to feel I had to be the one to help resolve things. Little did I know I was avoiding feeling my own vulnerability. Now I allow others to feel where they are at and allow them to express their vulnerability without trying to fix them.
I am feeling rather fragile and vulnerable today – so rather than try to fix myself I will allow myself to just feel it. This feels far more honouring than thinking I am doing something wrong, or that I have done something wrong. By just allowing myself to be me is very nurturing and caring towards myself – amazing how children innately know what to do, and how to be, if we allow them to express naturally without imposing our ideals and beliefs on them.
Being vulnerable allows us to yield. A divine quality that is reflected in nature everywhere.
That is beautifully observed about being vulnerable Alexis. It really brings it home how natural and part of the divine flow it is.
“I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.” This is a loving work in progress for me. Sometimes I do this with open arms and other times the door is firmly closed. It is inspiring for me to read this, as it reminds me of the importance of it.
I have also noticed how quick we all are to give advice under the guise that we are helping the other person, but often it is because we are not comfortable with their situation and impose upon them rather than giving them the space to come to their own understanding.
Someone in pure vulnerability is beautiful beyond words! When there is a tension or even reaction in us receiving this beautiful reflection, what are we avoiding in us?!
I can feel the space and the freedom when you write:
‘He didn’t feel the need to please anyone and was quite happy being as he was ‘
Yes to me this teaches us to let others just be and not to impose what we think or feel. A great lesson for us all to learn particularly with our younger generation .. it then gives them space to just be.
Yes, it is so easy to go for the fixing, so what a beautiful realization that it is ok and absolutely enough to simply feel and be and observe.
When we go for the fixing what do we want to be in control of, how others behave or how we react and don’t allow others and ourselves become vulnerable?
A very lovely moment to observe your son simply choosing to stay with himself and all that he was feeling after his fall at school. I know from experience that when something traumatic happens and I don’t let myself feel fully what just occurred, I have pushed aside and dismissed what was felt, and to do so hardened up, which then becomes something I also must acknowledge as well as the initial incident itself.
It is simply a blessing for everyone when we honour and support each other to be vulnerable and tender with what ever is going on for us both men, women, boys and girls. Letting go of trying to keep it together and expressing how we feel.
It sure is a blessing to allow everyone to feel their vulnerability and tenderness. Just being their and allowing space for this.
After reading your blog I realised how much I will go into trying to fix, to give advice and to support someone during a tough time, all of which are no bad thing but at the same time do not allow the person the space to feel where they are and what’s going on for them, maybe the choices that led them to that point etc. Sometimes what we need more is space to be and someone to listen, who won’t let us indulge. We seem to have an aversion to being anything other than at our highest point, disturbed by any sense of anxiety or sadness or stress in ourselves or another, rather than seeing that all those things are opportunities to learn.
Ah yes Rebecca, I recognise the same impulse in me to ‘fix things up’ and I also recognise that I have some identification mixed up in that too, as in my ability to give ‘good advice’. I am learning however that often, as you so rightly share, people simply need to be supported to be left alone to feel whatever it is that is coming up for them, without any imposed timeline or expectations coming from others.
The question always is: do I express for my-self or the other ?
Rebecca the other thing that came to mind as I read your comment was what our perception of our ‘highest point’ is? I feel that there is a common misconception that our highest point refers to good health, big smiles and life being worked out but that really is a very false belief as a person’s ‘highest point’ might well be in the midst of being terminally ill.
Very good point- the judgement of what a “high point” is, is already a falsity where it all starts with.
I love this ….. ‘Sometimes what we need more is space to be and someone to listen, who won’t let us indulge.’ and equally someone who won’t let us self-judge and bash ourselves for our choices, but be there meeting us for the incredibly amazing being that we are, reminding us who we truly are.
Important to express our own vulnerability and sensitivity with others. Doing so releases pent up emotions and offers clarity especially when with another who simply listens, does add to or try to fix things.
When we stay centred in our vulnerability there is a strength and power that is humble and true
Knowing what we can do to bring ourselves back when we feel impacted by our day or affected by what’s gone on around us, comes down to really honouring our feelings and not driving through an issue but surrendering to what is there to be learnt and how we can look after ourselves going forward.
Yes to this, for me stopping, connecting and allowing myself to feel what is really there to feel is the start to getting back to myself after I feel hurt or impacted.
Looking at this picture and reading the title ‘Staying Vulnerable’ feels like a great reminder for us all to be aware of and allow ourselves to feel these natural qualities, we are all naturally, innately sensitive, fragile and vulnerable and so as adults too we can live these qualities instead of thinking that we have to be a certain way and that we can’t show vulnerability.
I know that feeling well, where I allow myself to feel what I feel and not turn it off, or turn the volume down. So much more real, honest and true.
“Staying Vulnerable” – is staying also true, or keeping it real.
I totally agree with you here Elizabeth, I have certainly learnt a lot from my daughter as sometimes her wisdom astounds me but also the reflection she offers when she is being messy and irresponsible, I have to look and most often I see I have been as well.
Beautiful blog that makes me ponder in the situations that adults commonly play at school for example when a child is hurt and cries…’it doesn’t matter, you are ok, you are strong and brave’… It makes me ponder on the manipulation we sometimes push on children to shut up their vulnerability. Maybe are we just avoiding to feel our own vulnerability with their spontaneous expression? Why not allowing it to be as it is? Why not receiving this invitation to feel again?
I remember listening to someone feeling very vulnerable, it freaked me out and I went away and kept thinking about it for a week till I saw them again. When I asked them how they were going (no doubt in a very heavy-handed caring kind of way!!!) they couldn’t remember what I was talking about! Being with others is simply that – no need to fix, have the answers or do anything, just being there if they want to talk and getting ourselves out of the way if we are asked for guidance!
I can totally relate to trying to fix things when another felt vulnerable and I now see this was because there was a feeling in me that is was an unsafe space to be in. This reflection is such an enormous gift and good on you for being aware enough as a parent to offer that space to your child.
I am reading a lot about tenderness and fragility lately and it is so powerful to read. Here is another example of not getting in the way of who men truly are. I am pregnant with a boy and my whole body has asked me to be still and surrender and I know this is coming from the baby – so I have a responsibility to allow him to be this always.
No matter what occurs, expressing how we feel is what will always save us. It’s not the incidents so much as the bottling up that really harms and brings us down. Thank you Anonymous.
Thank you anonymous, it is a brave and caring step to make in writing this piece. And I love the notion that vulnerability can be what is there underneath the layers of protection, and that this vulnerability is in fact one of our greatest strengths.
I wonder how much this is a reflection of the mother? If she is able to remain fragile (not vulnerable as this implies something is wrong), then her son may be able to as well.
Without judgement there is no shame, without shame there is no struggle with vulnerability. We are vulnerable, fact. But once we submit to shame the word and state of vulnerability is loaded with judgement.
Our children reflect such rawness if we allow them to be truly who they are.
As a child once I can recall my parents mimicking and reflecting how we should be and being vulnerable wasn’t one of those things. We had to bottle it up and our faces would say how we felt and yet we could not express this.
I am relearning to be vulnerable and it’s a great place to be and I agree with you, it does make other people uneasy but what a gorgeous reflection for them and becoming re-acquainted to something that’s been hidden for some time.
This is an absolute joy to read, I know I’ll keep coming back to re-read again and again there’s so much in this. Today I’m just allowing myself to be inspired by your son. I can allow myself to honestly feel all the hurts of my day and not gloss over. Pretending they’re not there just fuels unloving behaviours in an attempt to avoid them and takes me further away from being there for myself. Your son is showing how it’s ok to feel. That’s so inspiring. Thank you so much for this blog.
There is much we can learn from your son, anonymous about allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable. The beauty is that you allow him the space to do so and that is a gift.
It is incredible how when life does not fit our pictures, we tend to automatically think there is something to fix. Love the reflection offered here, of being open, feeling the truth of the situation and allowing space for the unfolding.
Amazing what a reflection your son is giving other boys and girls (and women and men) in that they too can allow themselves to be love, just be, be open and be sensitive. Very cool.
I am currently experiencing eye problems and this has brought up many feelings of vulnerability. Yesterday I couldn’t go to work because I couldn’t drive and I was shocked to observe how my mood initially dropped until I reached out to others for support and started expressing what was happening.
‘Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?’ These are great questions and I can feel how having struggled to express my own vulnerability I have often been uncomfortable with others expressing theirs, especially family members, and acknowledging how often I have gone into ‘fix-it mode’ to relieve my own discomfort and thereby not supporting them to express what they are truly. I cannot change how I have been in the past but the more I accept my own vulnerability the less I will be rocked when others express theirs.
There is a beautiful delicacy in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
It is deeply loving to allow your son to feel what he was feeling Anonymous and something most of us can struggles with at times. We can easily go into ‘fixing’ mode because seeing someone being vulnerable can sometimes make us feel uncomfortable if we haven’t allowed this quality in ourselves to be felt or expressed.
Anonymous, it’s great to read this and supports me to not go into trying to ‘fix things’ and to allow children to be vulnerable rather than trying to make things ok and sort things out for them, I can feel how if I do this that it is disempowering for them.
“In my case, I was essentially telling my son it was not ok to be vulnerable. This was a big lesson for me – both in how I am with my own vulnerability and that of others” – what a super reflection to have had Anonymous, and reading it, it’s also opened up the same healing reflection for myself too – why is it that we do have such a dismissal or non-embrace of something, a quality so precious? As the years have gone by where i find myself choosing to drop the protected harshness I have lived before, the gentle and delicate qualities emerge and i wonder to myself why i hadn’t chosen to embrace this sooner for the absolute realness, rawness and transparency this way of living and way of being in life affords.
Looking back at my life and my early years I can see that there wasn’t the allowance at all for me to hold on to my young sweetness, tenderness and vulnerability, but this did set me up to get through my school years and into adulthood where now I can choose to gain that back again. I don’t know how I would have got through those years if I had been that sensitive soul I came through as. I just feel the whole world needs to change in order for children to be able to be sensitive and not great targets for others jealousy.
A seven year old boy I know is the same Kevin, a sweet, tender, sensitive soul who seems to stand out from the more boisterous boys in his class. There’s this delicate balance of him needing to be himself but also relate to other children and not become isolated or a target. We support him by encouraging him to share what’s been happening at school and express his feelings, and not hold them in.
What a beautiful blog. How deeply honouring of your son to stay with his vulnerability.
It is so imposing to want another to be a certain way and we do this with children all the time, wanting them to have a certain job, wanting them to behave a certain way, wanting them to be ‘happy’ when all they need is to be allowed to be themselves.
When we are open to observing our children, without reaction, there is always a huge amount to learn. I love your openness to reflect on your part and the awareness this brought.
The more open, honest and vulnerable we are, the more those around us including our children allow themselves to be seen. True inspiration comes from our livingness first.
I love looking at this photo, as it is a wonderful representation of the exquisiteness and power of being truly oneself.
How beautiful it is that he has not shut this senstitivity down, and that you are providing him the space to just be. I have experianced those moments of feeling very relaxed and with me, not wanting to be chatty or animated and happy to just be settled, but those around me getting concearned or upset because im not responding in the ‘normal’ or expected way – being able to give each other the space to be where we are is very supportive.
The ‘mocking’ effect you’ve talked about, i.e. making fun of someone for any of their traits, features or behaviours and calling them names is something we often associate with children, but in fact it is rife throughout our society and adults are the worse culprits for this, labelling others and judgment.
Yes, it is shameful isn’t it. We say it is childish behaviour but I am not entirely sure we have grown up if that is the case.
Whenever I experience feeling discomfort when another is being vulnerable I have come to realise it is because there is something unresolved within me that is being triggered and I am holding back from my vulnerability.
Whenever we experience feeling anything as a result of how another is feeling it signifies that there is something unresolved in us.
You make it really clear Anonymous the investments that we all have in maintaining a superficial ‘status quo’. All it takes is one of us to go deeper and it asks others of us all around to follow too. We are so powerful together – it’s foolish to expend our energy fighting to resist and pull apart when we can open up our heart.
A deeply inspiring read Anonymous sharing the art of true parenting and the foundation for all true relationships to unfold back to the love we are – holding the space for a child (or adult) to simply be all that they are without ‘trying’ to fix anything. What a blessing your son receives from your wisdom.
A deeply inspiring read Anonymous sharing the art of true parenting and the foundation for all true relationships to unfold back to the love we are – holding the space for a child (or adult) to simply be all that they are without ‘trying’ to fix anything. What a blessing your son receives from your wisdom.
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden”.
“Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?” Great question to ask. When most of the world operate in protective mode its vital we have those that reflect vulnerability and openness for with out those reflecting this and true transparency we are all lost.
This is a perfect blog for me to read today about feeling and being ok with vulnerability. What a beautiful reflection your son is for you anonymous to show how being with that vulnerability is ok.
There is such a power in allowing someone the space to feel what they are experiencing fully without imposing our need to fix things so we don’t feel uncomfortable, even if they seem like they are hurting or struggling.
It is so confirming to allow another the space to express their fragility as it validates that what we feel is true and the importance of always listening to and honouring our own body, rather than how other people perceive we should be in life.
‘Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?’ – great question, yes, I feel it can cause a lot of tension for us as in feeling another’s fragility any protection we may be holding onto is highlighted and we get to feel how this blocks us from being able to feel and share our own fragility.
Our children can teach us so much … if we are prepared to treat them as equally wise, loving and responsible.
Imposing upon another’s expression because it may be triggering something in us is really a form of control and a way of avoiding the responsibility of dealing with our own stuff.
There is a great deal in this blog to consider, in how we are with others, and how we are with ourselves… we each offer so much in way of reflection for one another.
Anonymous, this is a beautiful blog to read – again your awareness and honesty bring more revelations to be felt.
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden”.
Yes, this is a most beautiful realisation – ‘beholding love’ is true love as there is no imposition or expectation
Yes Stephanie, for both parties this is a an honest and open communication that deepens the relationship and strengthens the foundations of it.
When parents allow their sons to be vulnerable and encourage their expression then I celebrate because that means there are more tender men to grace the earth with their presence
This is the most exquisite blog. Just this week I experienced all that you have described when my very young Son was having his immunisations. I realised that from such a young age we are taught to distract away from our feelings and not allow any moment to sit in our vulnerability and fragility, I personally then felt the huge responsibility that I have to hold the space and allow my Son to feel all that he is feeling; supporting him to know it is a great strength and will continue to bring stuff up for other people.
Yes, love is a beholding energy.
I love the way you are describing the sensitivity of your son and the ease with which he is at just feeling what he is feeling without questioning it or thinking that it is wrong. This is music to my ears as a man as so often we override or question our feelings based on what we have been told is right or wrong to feel by the world.
Beautiful humility in this sharing Anonymous.
Interesting also, how we misinterpret someones mood or simply no mood at all. We often have no sense ( because they are so less people who are in this state of being, including ourselves obviously) of how a very self content way of being looks like and immediately, out of irritation, we put our filter and judgement on top of what we are seeing.
Not knowing what is coming when we truly respond with no immediate re- action to a vulnerable situation/ moment with another like you described can lead us to a depth and transparency we´ve never been before. Neither ourselves nor with the other person. What an amazing reflection you have through your son- it is worth gold, as this kind of vulnerability is very very rare in this world.
Such great questions and reflections that you share here about vulnerability. What I love is how if we simply step back and not impose we can learn so much from others and how the children around us are just as knowing and wise as we are. Breaking the trend of suppressing and dismissing how we feel and being vulnerable and fragile. and to not feel ashamed of it is the only way forward.
Its great to see how, as others shared, when someone is feeling down the way we support them is not to try and fix them but to hold them with love which may be to allow them the space to heal and come back to themselves.
Yes perhaps the greatest support we can offer another is to give them the space and the grace to be where they are at without any judgement or need for them to be any different. This for me is a beholding kind of love and perhaps is the definition of true love.
So true David. When we allow another person space to express their vulnerability, we actually do them far more favours than stepping in to fix their feelings. So often lending a ‘good ear’ or giving someone ‘some space’ is all that is required and indeed asked for, as we do always know the answers to our issues and conundrums, we just need the support to take a step back and observe them. EDL
I am sure that if we did allow ourselves to express our vulnerability and fragility more we would realise just how hurt we are from life. But in this though is the deeper realisation that there a greater depth and beauty to us than meets the eye.
Battering another’s vulnerability by wanting to fix what we think is unsettling them is the attempt to deflect and alleviate our own discomfort over a quality we have surrendered and sacrificed on the altar of function, getting on with it and pushing through.
So true Gabriele and it takes great honesty and love to not impose on another person when they are sharing their deep vulnerability and feelings, and to appreciate what we have been blessed with.
Do I let others express their vulnerability? This is s great question and one to ponder on, I’m aware that if someone is upset I offer a cuddle to try and fix it, rather than allowing the space for them to express and simply allow them to be – very interesting to consider that trying to make things better isn’t supportive.
Growing up as a girl and then as women, I was never able to turn off my vulnerability and could never hide my sensitivity. However, I did feel shame and embarrassment with my tears and felt the frustration that I could never put on a tougher front. For men, the pressure to hide their sensitivity, I can only imagine to be far greater than I felt as a female. With the support of Universal Medicine, I now have come to understand what a blessing and strength our vulnerability and sensitivity is.
Wow that is a powerful stop moment statement that needs to be heard far and wide.
What a contrast to the gorgeous expression of tenderness described in this blog.
What a beautiful reflection your son is offering you and awesome that you can be so honest about how challenging you find that.
The wanting to fix things – is it truly for the benefit of others or is it for ourselves?
I feel the wanting to fix things maybe more about wanting to alleviate the tension we’re feeling. There is no doubt that when we see another person cry, we want to help and support them, however, do we allow them the space to deal with their hurt rather than just wanting the crying to stop.
A beautiful story that shows that when we stay connected with ourselves we are strong and know what to do and what we need, no matter what age.
Here is someone who is honouring himself. It’ so easy to judge if we are uncomfortable with it. Something for us all to take notice of here.
I loved reading this blog and the beauty that your son is expressing. It really made me look at how much I am prepared to just be vulnerable.
Its a great question Elizabeth – are we fully open to that, or are we protecting a bit here and a bit there.
To truly love another is to love ourselves enough to show our own vulnerability. To be able to hold ourselves enough to allow our vulnerability is the beginning of practicing holding another in love.
‘Male or female, fragility and vulnerability are seen as a weakness and is something to be avoided.’ This is true I have spent a lifetime creating a hard personality that quite frankly was spiky, and served well to keep people out. Now I am learning to accept my fragility and vulnerability and opening myself up to feeling all the love that is there in the world around me.
How lucky we are to be openly able to express our sensitivities and feel our True Tenderness. As A boy around eight I remember the accidents that really hurt, and I was given a cigarette to settle my nerves.
Beautiful, Elizabeth. This shows me so clearly how it is in relationship with others that we really learn and grow; opening up to the opportunities offered by others is a choice we can always make.
I wondered a while about why it is difficult for me to stay vulnerable and share that with another or why I would be uncomfortable when they reflect that to me. My conclusion is that sharing our sensitivity is way to deepen our connections and be more intimate with each other and that this was what I was avoiding.
What an absolutely stunning post to read Anonymous, I can feel everything you share about your son and the beauty of his sensitivity. Exquisite. Edible ; )
There is a lot of sweetness and grace in this article and a lot of inspiration to honour ourselves and each other; allowing the space for us to be ourselves and enjoying the qualities, fragility, tenderness and vulnerability of each other.
When we see the signs of someone being ‘down’, we can always offer our support but it’s important to see that this can be in the form of space and honouring, and doesn’t always have to be in words.
What occurs to me is that we quickly jump into helping mode as in a form of action while support lies in observing and and understanding.
When one of my children experienced something very disappointing today, I could feel my own unsettlement with it, because of how sad she was. Yet all she wanted was space, no words, no call, but support with accepting to be sad and feel sadness, without it having to go away.
Absolutely- space is the biggest love you can offer to someone. It is an open door, that the other person can always enter, if they would like. No pressure, just a beholding. And the beautiful thing is you don´t need the other person to enter either.
When a child or even an adult cries because we have not been present enough to read the situation we have reacted and imposed our expectations onto another. This is not love. What we are addressing may need to be addressed but it has to be delivered with the absolute love.
This is exquisite, Anonymous. Honouring our sensitivity and fragility, no matter our age or gender, is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, and something very precious we can offer one another in relationship. What an amazing lesson your son has provided for us all.
‘ The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.’ – this is so incredibly beautiful and so true. It is an enormous gift when those around us trust us enough and love themselves enough, to drop their layers of protection and let us in.
There is something deeply loving in the ability to observe and behold someone where they are, and not where we want them to be or where we think they should be, and yet also at the same time knowing who they truly are and loving them for who they are no matter where they are choosing to be.
Life should be an adventure. Not the maze we have created with doors, traps and hurdles that keep us lost from who we are. And, our part in trying to help someone in the maze they have created only creates more complications.
Love it Steve, and may I play-full-y add that lifes-door-ways, are a new paradigm, then we are avoiding traps so we are evolving from the simple lessons, hurdles are a leap of faith on the way to heaven, and all so we can find our-self. And, despite all the hierarchical help we are only at best complicating our own life.
I would love to hear stories of boys being able to hold that vulnerability through their school, and university or apprenticeship years, for life as we know it is just not set us to support this vulnerability or tenderness, in fact it is quite the opposite, it seems life as we know it in general is set up so we close it down for fear of being teased or bullied.
It is very obvious that when someone is in a vulnerable state that it can push the buttons of those around them causing many to go into fix-it mode. I wonder why in these situations we struggle to accept what they are going through and simply offer to support them in whatever way is called for, instead of wanting to fix them quickly probably so we can feel better? Maybe it is because we have been raised to believe that vulnerability is a weakness and hardening up is the only option. I would chose being vulnerable over hardening my body as I know so well what denying how I truly feel does to my body.
This article absolutely highlights the responsibility we have to observe another, to allow another and to practice beholding love.
As I was reading this article, I could feel how we always want another to be happy, what an absolute killer of vulnerability this is.
We should educate our kids about the fact that sensitivity is a superpower; a quality that makes us have super strength because we don’t fight our feelings and create villains in our own thoughts as a result of bottling things in!
I truly appreciate you sharing this, in doing so (sharing) your son is teaching us all a lesson and I have asked myself how often do I go into ‘fix’ mode rather than letting a person just be? It is quite a few times!!!
“The observing of someone’s vulnerability is a beautiful beholding love, where walls of protection come down and we are gifted the opportunity to truly see what has been hidden.” And what a privilege this is, to be allowed to see the tenderness that we usually keep so hidden behind our castle walls. This is a beautiful invitation to look at why we find it so uncomfortable when someone expresses their pain, because so often it triggers our own unexpressed feelings, hence the desire to fix another person’s pain in an attempt to quell our own.
Beautiful observations on how we often want to fix and make things okay for other people – effectively trying to manage their emotions or not allow them to feel them- so that we can feel better, safe and secure. When we turn up the love and acceptance for ourselves, it gets much easier to allow others to be where they’re at without that feeling that we need to fix everything. Much simpler and clear all round, and room for growth in our relationships with ourselves, and with one another.
When someone honours their vulnerability, it is a way of dealing with the situation. When we come in with solutions or trying to ‘fix’ things for them, it dismisses the process the person is in which is actually them healing and imposes a ‘move on’ approach.
So often we can go onto sympathy with our kids and try and care for them from our own hurts. I had one of these moments the other day when I caught myself parenting from my own hurt and not from reading what was truly happening for them. I realised when I read the situation there was a healing on offer for me to see things in another way, my children where offering a reflection for me to learn and heal from.
I take my hat of for your son Anon as in this world it is not an easy thing to allow your vulnerability especially not at that age. In this he will be a great inspiration not only to you but to many others around him.
Being vulnerable is gorgeous, to see and allow.. the magnificence of magnetic pull that then arises within and the love that than can constellate around us too.
What a gorgeous blog Anon thank you. And it is a great thing to explore our standard of ‘normal; both in behaviour and in how we know someone to be. If we want to keep them as we know them for our own ease and comfort are we not actually in the way of their personal evolution?
“I realised that he was choosing to stay in his vulnerability – he was ok with crying, feeling sad or simply whatever it was he was feeling.”….I don’t do that anywhere near enough, thanks Anon and your son for this inspiration.
From the moment we are born there are certain forces at work that seek to mould and shape us into how we should be according to the dictates of the world we have created, rather than live from who we each in essence are. We all feel this but as children we have less protective measures in place to not feel the depth of this ache. As parents, the best thing we can provide for our children is the space to feel all that they feel knowing they will not be ridiculed, judged, condemned or ignored. There is great strength in vulnerability, which is why it scares us so.
We are definitely taught to get in there and help the person out of whatever emotional distress they feel. I have even witnessed the panic of care staff and nurses in an elderly home when a patient was crying – this was immediately medicated.
And when we don’t let boys have all of their feelings they may end up just using powerful emotions like anger and rage or go the other way and never show anything until they kill themselves. We need to get much more ok with all our feelings.
Well said, Vanessa. The suicide statistics for young men speak volumes about the need to honour and express what is felt inside.
I wonder if another word for vulnerability is simply realness? There is nothing more real than how someone truly feels which is openly displayed without any editing. We are often told to “put on a brave face”, to “soldier on”, “toughen up” etc, which feels horribly cruel to suppress the realness of exactly where we are at. We seem to have an ideal that says realness and vulnerability is out and being stoic and presenting a certain face (which is really a mask) is in.
Yes, the vulnerability of another can be uncomfortable, especially when we don´t embrace our own vulnerability. Vulnerability and fragility can be gateways to intimacy when we don´t react and just be with each other.
I love this – they are indeed gateways to intimacy.
It is amazing to observe the changes in relationships when someone chooses to be open, honest, fragile and vulnerable and it only takes one person to set off ripple effects that can touch many, so if we can dispense with the notion that other people have to respond in a certain way for us to be able to do anything, we can accept that we actually have the keys to change in the way we choose to be (I am learning that vulnerability is not about putting ourselves in danger as I had previously defined it, it is about simply being me, no games, no pretence, no cover up and in this I have found great steadiness and strength).
So true Gill, this is a gorgeous and a beautiful observation too.
The world we live in doesn’t support us to express our vulnerability and fragility, and when we take this on and shut down our vulnerability and fragility, we can feel uncomfortable when we see someone expressing this so openly.
I too have often fallen for ‘fixing’ a situation with my children, a fact that I’m not proud of now that I am becoming more aware of the impetus behind that desire to fix. But, the other side of this is that we are all in fact learning, have all been parents, parented and children and thus all carry the momentums from those experiences and relationships, so there is no merit in the pursuit of perfection and no purpose in judgement. The best way to evolve is through transparent and honest vulnerability as exampled in this blog.
A deeply honest and touching story to read. Thank you. We all want a world where people are more open, honest, caring, loving and honouring. Really valuable step shown here, to observe how our own responses and reactions in life supports or impedes such an expression.
What an amazing sharing – this is just beautiful
To allow your son to be more vulnerable – what an amazing relationship this is and a blessing he has you as a mum who can see his and allow him to be him.
“Do we have an issue with allowing the expression of such fragility?” I think we do, I think for most of life most people don’t want to express fragility and so when we see our children express it we don’t know how to be with that, it’s a challenge yet beautiful for you to share how natural it is.
It’s gorgeous to read how an eight-year-old is choosing to honour himself and stay with feeling vulnerable.
The sense I got while reading this was how in life if you are not ‘ok’ or ‘fine’ then something is wrong. But I’ve experienced when I allow myself to be vulnerable then once it’s cleared I don’t accept that mediocrity as much as I did before because in that ‘ok’ I could be tolerating a lot of unloving behaviours. What if it wasn’t normal or even healthy for us to be ‘fine’ or ‘good’ all the time? That being vulnerable supported us to evolve.
We can be so quick to go into the fix it mode when others are showing their vulnerability or in many cases not knowing how to feel to respond rather than giving the person the graceful space to honour their expression and reflect that this is okay.
To not allow another to be vulnerable just because we feel our own irresponsibility in not living the truth of that vulnerability ourselves, is a pretty gross imposition. Basically we are slamming someone else so that we can feel less bad about ourselves. It’s brilliant to be exposing this and I deeply appreciate the vulnerability that you are allowing in even writing this blog.
It is so often the automatic response to say ‘don’t cry’ or ‘it will be fine’ or ‘there is nothing to worry about’ – while it may be the case, sometimes this is not supportive as it is like wanting someone to brush how they feel under the rug and go back to being happy and normal. Sometimes we just need someone to listen without sympathy or trying to make it better, just giving ourselves the space to feel loved and held and allowed to be.
Ah, the want to fix – so awesome that you have called this out so that we can be honest and open to bigger, truer love. It can be so subtle but I guess many of us have this sneaking around and we actually feel uncomfortable when we sense someone is not being their usual self.
As a parent of three children I am learning when to speak up and when not to and this I am finding is not always easy. So eg. a child gets hurt by an adult in reaction to their situation. I feel the attack, I see the child is hurt and has registered what has happened. I observe, I cannot react and this is my learning. When I observe I know whether I am to call it out by speaking up or hold myself in the love for myself and for all.
It’s absolutely superb to read and feel a blog on vulnerability. The image I get is children expressing all that they feel, and that’s being with all you feel (no thinking). No shame, no holding back, no guilt, no investments and being absolutely real with how it is.
It also really shows how we can heal ourselves and that it is our choice, nobody can do this for us.
To hold the space when a child gets hurt is absolute love as they are supported to feel and sense what has occurred in that moment. Tears may flow immediately, seconds later or not at all but they have felt the love.
Beautiful observation anonymous, I was also allowed in that space to feel how I have wanted to ‘fix’, particularly when it comes to our children or family members. But to know, and be reminded by reading this, that this is an imposition, a quelling of what would otherwise be expressed, and grown from.
Beautiful blog to read as it is lovely to hear your observations and your realisations. Thank you for sharing.
If there was more acceptance like this around fragility and staying vulnerable, the world would be a different place for sure.
I recall going into work recently and saying to a colleague that I was feeling fragile. It wasn’t a terrible feeling at all, I was open and delicate and feeling my sensitivity. There was no obvious reaction to that and I felt the concerns of my colleagues. But I could also feel how I never really let myself feel that way and how different it felt. There is no right and wrong with how we feel, its simply about how honest we are prepared to be with ourselves. Whatever may come up. Good on you anon for recognising this with your son and allowing him express as he felt at the time.
The vulnerability I feel expressed in your son is utterly gorgeous and unfortunately very rare in today’s society. I can see how there are many pictures around caring for another which at times are not true and in fact harming as they pander to need keeping another less instead of truly supporting to be who they truly are.
I find observing and not having to jump into rescue mode when I see someone upset is a lot more loving because it gives me space to feel what is the most supportive and loving in the next movement or expression.
There are so many deeply harmful ways we impose on each other all in the name of being good, nice and caring which makes it even worse for often the other not only gets imposed on and harmed but ends up feeling guilty for reacting to it because we are only “trying to help”.
wow this is absolutely gorgeous ~ fantastic insights that apply across all areas of life and across all relationships including and especially the one we have with ourselves.
Thank you so much for this blog. I have been realizing exactly the same yesterday about myself. I felt very fragile and tender after letting go of resistance and surrendering to the love that I felt, but I thought the crying had to stop after 2 big cries and I had to move on. This shows me that I limit my own vulnerability by putting a time lapse on it and for sure I do that with others too, all to prevent me from going deeper in myself and being intimate with others by showing what is going on.
Thank you so much for this, Anonymous. There is something very powerful about allowing ourselves to be fragile and simply staying with what we are feeling without adjusting it to fit in with what others may be comfortable with. What a true honouring of ourselves.
My wife has often said to me that I am much more myself and more open and tender when I am injured or unwell because the usual hardness or layers of protection or facade of trying to hold it together goes out the window at these times and I get to feel my rawness and vulnerability and if I am honest it actually feels like a relief to surrender to being fragile.
Gorgeous, Andrew and thank you for sharing. It makes so much sense that you love surrendering to the sensitive and sweet man that you are and that you allow yourself to stop putting up all the fences and protection.
A very real sharing and honouring of your son’s preciousness, vulnerability and sensitivity and the ripple effects of this and all it brings up for us all. Very beautiful to feel and read and know this for ourselves in life and the way we are which is an inspiration in every way of reflection of our sensitivity and true beholding love and allowing this to be seen.
Unfortunately the normals we have created are far from the truth of who we are. When we allow ourselves to feel more and do not inhibit our expression nor go into reaction there is an opening up and more clarity and love can enter the relationship. This is happening for me also and I can sometimes feel an old pattern of closing down in order to protect myself coming in, I feel it in my body as a tightening and a hardness and at those times I can allow myself to surrender to love for it is actually love that is holding the relationship.
Anon I am touched by the responsibility that you hold in your relationship with your son. By staying open to seeing what this experience of vulnerability brings up in you and to nominate the needs within your reaction is game changing ; for not only does this give your son permission to express his natural tenderness, but equally if offers everyone in your midst greater opportunity to feel with clarity what has bought them to this point.
This is a beautiful and tender blog… I was very touched to read about your 8 year-old son who felt fine with himself to show his vulnerability. I can relate to wanting to fix others so that my discomfort gets dealt with, rather than allowing myself to feel my own vulnerability and letting others be as they are.
What a gift your son has given you Anonymous. And how strong he is to allow himself his vulnerability when he can feel others being uncomfortable with it. Something for us all to learn here.
Thank you for sharing your experience with your son and how differently he is treated when he is simply being himself and by nature showing his vulnerability. I know for myself growing up it was a sign a weakness and I would get teased over it so would try to hide it rather than simply be me and to not stand out. I would try to fit into each and every group at school in an attempt to find one I liked but none were me and all I ended up doing was being exhausted and giving up on my sweet tender side.
I work in a small office with engineers that the standard morning banter is football related. Yesterday I received a box of Flowers By Mail that left them asking why and who would send me flowers. I replied to them that I liked flowers and they were just a thank you, for something I helped them with. I just turned 64, fragility and tenderness is a reflection of flowers and something we never lose but far too often build walls around it.
This is lovely Steve and for sure we as men never loose our fragility and tenderness.
It takes a knowing in us that being vulnerable is ok,that we will feel what we feel and this is always ok. Having someone there who understands and nurtures this is so loving. I’ve often felt impositions from others to hurry up and get over what I’m feeling because it’s uncomfortable for them and I have felt their irritation. I know how I don’t accept what I feel and how very damaging this is. I am so inspired by your son as I focus on allowing myself to feel regardless of if others’ have a problem. Look at how he’s inspired others to consider where they are at. And I’m so inspired by you and looking at where there maybe impositions in place asking myself and others to be a certain way.
Anonymous, thank you for sharing this, this is great for me to read as I can feel that I have the tendency to want to fix things if my son is upset and expressing to me how he feels, rather than simply allowing him to express. I can feel how saying what he feels can be enough and that if I make a big issue out of the situation and try to take it further that this can be unnecessary and make things worse, this is great to ponder on, thank you.
An attempt to fix can be detrimental to their future expression. Perhaps they don’t want it fixed, perhaps there is nothing to fix, perhaps they just wanted to express and that was enough…and thus, if we do impose, they may think twice about expressing next time. This is how expression gets shut down and so, it is our responsibility to meet the expression without judgement – simply with an equal vulnerability and transparency.
This is such a great thing to be aware of, how often do we try to fix or go into sympathy of how our kids are feeling instead of just letting them feel, acknowledge and then move on.
“Since this realisation, I’ve been a lot more aware of my own impositions upon another’s expression and whether it is triggering something in me. Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs?”
Such an awesome question to ask ourselves, are we opening up and willing to show another all of us – the tender delicate vulnerable parts? When we do we are sure in for a treat as not only does our own body receive a healing so to do those that we express to.
Dear anonymous, staying with vulnerability and not trying to fix it honours the person by not trying to smooth things over. There are many occasions when we are called to make a choice. For example, when a teenage daughter rings her mother from school in floods of tears and asks her to come and collect her. Does the mother rush in to rescue or does she stay, listen and be present? In one case the mother allowed her daughter to sob, but did not rush in. Instead, she lovingly and steadily guided her daughter find a teacher to talk to and in so doing supported her to stay with her feelings but share them with a responsible adult at school. This powerfully reflected to me, that when we observe and not absorb another’s emotion or try to fix it, we allow them to take responsibility for themselves and this is empowering.
“This was a big lesson for me – both in how I am with my own vulnerability and that of others.” Children are wonderful teachers and something that you can deeply appreciate with your son feeling confident to express his vulnerability with you is that he feels safe and held in love when he expresses how he is feeling.
“I realised my response in these situations – where he was simply expressing how he felt and allowing himself to feel what was there – was to want to fix it; to bring him back to his ‘normal.’ “ this one sentence just revealed so much to me and a pattern that I also do with my sons. I don’t like it myself when someone tries to fix me so this is great to see where I feel uncomfortable when someone is vulnerable.
I remember the ridicule that one of my son’s teammates got on the soccer pitch because rather than follow the ball he liked to pick the small flowers that grew on the pitch. How we hate anyone who reflects the purity that we have chosen to leave.
Such great honest observations anonymous and I could feel the natural questioning that arose in me as I was reading your blog.
Me too, Alexis, I love writing that invites me to question my own beliefs and behaviours.
It is beautiful when young children stay vulnerable and open in their connection with the all, with God. As parents, but to as a society we can learn a lot from these children in strong contrast with the fact that in general we think that we have to teach children how to be in this world instead.
Why do we think that being vulnerable is a weakness while to me it is a strength because it comes from a strong connection from deep within that has a foundational knowing from our divine origin and where we are from.
I agree Nico, but only recently can I say this, and also with much deepening and developing going forward of my understanding of vulnerability as a strength. Vulnerability is not commonly billed as a strength, so we can commit to and have fun with re-claiming its qualities and using the word in its true definition.
Yes, thank you Matilda as I still feel uncomfortable with the word vulnerability and although I get the sense of it being a strength it doesn’t sit well with me. I can feel how much as a child I believed my sensitivity to be a fault that continued into adulthood. It is only now that I am exploring what it means to truly allow my vulnerability and see it as a possible strength. I like what you pose here Matilda about having fun in reclaiming our vulnerability, it is not something to be daunted by but something to simply be explored.
Thank you Fiona – a light bulb moment on reading this sentence. It was constant drummed into me as a child that sensitivity was unacceptable and made me lesser.
“I can feel how much as a child I believed my sensitivity to be a fault that continued into adulthood”.
A beautiful sharing Anon. ‘Do I express my vulnerability? And do I let others express theirs? ‘ Some great questions. If we feel uneasy and want to go into ‘fix it’ mode it is often a sign there is an area within ourselves that needs to be addressed. Allowing people to be where they are at with their feelings can be uncomfortable, if we aren’t used to allowing others to naturally express . Our society so far hasn’t learned to understand and cope with this so far.