I met ‘Toby’ (name changed) at an Art Exhibition about 10 years ago. I was immediately drawn to his warmth and open-heartedness: he was a caretaker at a disused church that had been turned into an Arts Centre. Toby suffered from a number of physical complaints, as well as mental health disorders, that impacted his life daily.
As I got to know Toby I would often pop in to the centre to see him for a chat, say hello and have a cup of tea with him.
Over the years that I got to know him, I witnessed him have highs and lows and it was here that I really started to notice how little support there is available for people with mental health issues.
I had been travelling for a while and, on my return, wanted to give Toby a card I had been carrying around to give to him. I remember going past where he lived, thinking to pop by and say hello and give him the card, yet was feeling busy that day and left it.
The following day I heard Toby had committed suicide. He was found hanging from the roof in the church.
- “Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1)
- Over 800,000 people die due to suicide every year and there are many more who attempt suicide. (2)
- Of the total number of suicides registered in 2014 in the UK, 76% were males and 24% were females. (3)
- More than 55,000 suicides occur in the European Union each year, including more than 6,000 in the UK and Ireland. (4)
These statistics are indeed telling us that we, as a society, have got it very very wrong. Every one of these men is someone’s friend, brother, son or dad. Beautiful men, like Toby, each have so much to give, and are cutting their lives short though sheer desperation.
Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?
And whilst we commendably see high-profile campaigns on driving safely, and testicular cancer, suicide – the biggest killer of men under 50 – is not discussed and highlighted as it needs to be. What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?
Unfortunately, from personal observation and from having worked in mental health, I can only see these statistics getting worse. Why? Because we are not addressing the root causes; we are still accepting the stereotypical images of what a man should be and not allowing and accepting men as they are, for themselves.
We all need to be starting the conversation and asking why are these suicide numbers so high? What can we do about it as a society to ensure people feel heard and then to ensure that there is enough true support? And why does this affect three times more men than women?
Is it because there is a deep, deep sensitivity in men that society just doesn’t allow for?
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“
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As a society, and in truth as a worldwide family, we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.
We can no longer leave any stone unturned when it comes to looking at the root causes of these statistics. Just for starters, we need to look at all the systems we have in place – the education system, the legal system, the healthcare system – and look to why there is not a fundamental level of deep compassionate care at the very heart of their strategies, policies and procedures. No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.
Many men like Toby have ended their lives too soon, leaving family and friends devastated. To me this highlights the responsibility we all have for our mental well-being, but also the lack of support and connection we have with each other in society. We can no longer keep suicide isolated.
We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?
We are in desperate times and unless we fully acknowledge the problem and no longer distract ourselves away from it, then the number of suicides will increase. Let’s not allow that to happen, by starting to change the way we relate to each other now, and no longer accepting the imposition society imposes on men.
“What do men want most?
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By Samantha, UK
References:
- http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/aug/15/suicide-silence-depressed-men, UK Office for National Statistics, Statistical Bulletin
- http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/
- http://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2014registrations
- https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 555
- Esoteric Teachings and Revelations, Serge Benhayon, page 560
| If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call:
Australia: United Kingdom: In other countries: |
Further Reading:
Is the Internet the Answer to Loneliness?
Haunted by the Desire to not Live: Finding my Way back to My True Self
Bullying and suicide in construction – Does building culture need to change?
636 Comments
Suicides really must be more high profile especially in relation to men. We really need to address what is going on in society that people are so down they give up altogether. My GP friend suicided over 12 years ago now and it was a shock to us all as he was so vibrant and enthusiastic about life. It is only now I have become more open with myself that I can be more intimate with others and share a connection that once was not there back then. I was taken in by my friend’s vibrancy but in retrospect can see how easy it was for him to keep hidden how low he sometimes got. I see this lack of connection, lack of purpose and support between people in all facets of life. Adult mental health services are cut to the bone and if a person is not forthcoming it is unlikely they’ll get help. What I know is that I need to continue to deepen my relationship with self because this depth I can share with everyone I meet. I know my holding back from myself prevents connection with others that could reflect the truth that we are never without love or support. Accepting the love that we all are a part of reflects this as a reality to others.
I personally know of two people who have committed suicide- a teenage girl who was highly admired and was very intelligent, and an adult woman who had a successful career and left two teenage children, a husband, her elderly mother, friends and family feeling devastated and shocked. – It definitely was a stop moment, to ponder on why it happened and could something have been done to prevent it. It’s something not spoken about in public and you never think it would happen.
“What do men want most?
All men want to be loved for who they truly are.”- Such an important statement to be aware of – as a society are we focusing on the stereotypical role and body shape of how a man should be, instead of seeing and appreciating the natural sensitivity and gentleness that they equally have as woman? Such high rates in suicide may suggest that men do not get met for who they truly are. Starting from birth in many cultures they already have expectations put on them of the role they need to follow, and are treated differently from girls.
The shackles of social expectation are so harmful and in this article we get a glimpse, through one man’s experience, of the devastating effects of the shut down of a man’s natural qualities.
Numbers can appear to be abstract especially in statistics and it is easy to dismiss them, therefore it helps to count every single number as a real person possibly even as people I know or the group of people I am living with like family, friends and work mates, then numbers become very real and relevant in an instant.
It’s a big topic, and itself points to a much larger problem in society – that of the lack of true connection. There is in many ways a tendency to look at people with suicidal tendencies with confusion, as though one cannot understand why they can’t just get on with life like the rest of us without causing such a fuss. We tend to have the same view with drug addicts, or people who sit on the outer edges of society, unable to commit to life like the rest of society. What we don’t do enough is question why there is such wide and deep reaction to life from so many of our “peers”. What such problems should do is make us question our own – is life all it is made out to be? Because if you look deeper, you realise that there is a perverse sort of honesty in one who ends up not being up to cope with life – perverse in the sense that they are at least acknowledging what we all know, but never seem to want to discuss – that life is not truly fulfilling. Yes, we have all learnt to fill up our days, to keep busy, to ignore the sunset and turn the radio up on the way home, and so we have learnt to cope. And yes, our coping mechanisms by comparison are “better”, but that does not make them in any way more true.
“We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be.” and this is where it really hits home. The reason for why we have ended up with Men being raised to be a certain way is all of us who have not stood up and said differently. I remember as a child feeling the tenderness, sensitivity and joy in my body – this didn’t fit with what society said I needed to become. This means I knew society had it wrong. I thought I would change society, change how adults live or raise children but then somehow forgot my promise to myself and became part of the system that hurt me in the first place. As you say we are all responsible.
It is shocking to read the statistics presented here in this blog, and highlights how desperate people’s lives have got. I was reading a BBC article the other day which was questioning why Japan has such a high suicide rate, and stated that in 2015 25,000 people (mostly men) committed suicide, which was averaging 70 people a day, and this is just one country. This alone tells us something is not working with the way we are living today.
It seems the common approach in society to suicide is to pretend it isn’t happening. Yet, the statistics are getting more and more shocking and it is now becoming more and more common for children to take their own lives. It is a topic that makes a lot of us squirm and perhaps that is why we avoid it. But it is happening, it is increasing and as a society we can no longer ignore it. Things will only get worse if we continue to ignore what is in front of us.
There is definitely something wrong with statistics as high as these. It really is time to address the root cause.
A young man recently said to me “You have no idea what it is like to grow up with your every move, mistake, choice, dream, fear, love and worry being watched by the whole world.” There was stuff that I did as a young man that I am still embarrassed about, but that only a very, very few know about. If I had been exposed the way social media now exposes this generation, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like. Being a young man is very challenging for very many reasons – lots of which are discussed in this blog and comments – doing it under the glare of social media and the merciless attack of cyber abusers is proving to be too much for some people.
There was once a time, not that long ago that all you had to do, was to try and avoid the schoolyard bully. The world has exploded outward and inward at the same time with ‘multi-media’ in a very short period. The world is now a small place and the same time the whole world can now see and affect you. The schoolyard bully can now with a few keyboard strokes cause a feeding frenzy and leave you nowhere to hide. I agree with you Samantha, that there is work to be done on the root causes of this plague we have created that is thinning out our youth, at any level is unacceptable!
Suicide is like a dead end and the desperation of the person who committed it is huge. But why is there so much desperation and giving up going on in our society ? In the industrialized countries we claim to have a reasonable social structure which seem to care for those who are financially in difficulties. When this is the case why then suicide. As a society we need to consider if what we live and have established is true or if it is just like a functioning mask, trying to put people into drawers.
It is very interesting to consider that the rates of death due to suicide are not discussed more widely in the media and in society. This is plague proportions and yet we hear very little about it! If it was a bacteria or virus like bird flu or something it would be all over the news, however the rates of people dying due to suicide are just as alarming if not more so.
The initial sharing about ‘Toby’ offered a very personal account of suicide which touched me deeply, in particular the impulse to connect with him the day he chose to take his life, showing how we are connected to each other. Then I noticed my tendency to ‘gloss over’ the statistics on this reading. To truly read how such a harrowing reality is affecting so many people, way more than those taking their life, was perhaps too much to truly take in. So sitting with this observation, without judgement, has allowed me to feel a deep hurt inside about what humanity is choosing and how we tend to want to turn a blind eye even when the statistics are staring us in the face.
The high rates of suicide are a radar showing that there certainly are unaddressed issues amongst humanity. It is a silent pandemic, and one that requires every bit of attention.
It is tragic that the most common cause of death for young men is suicide.. absolutely tragic. This is something here for us all to look at in how we are we boys and men, and whether and why we may treat them differently to young women.
I read a headline in the papers yesterday that there is a suicide every three days in the prisons in England and Wales. This is shocking statistics to know that there are many who cannot cope with prison life enough that they are willing to take their own lives. Many go to prison for minor offences and are confronted with a regime that is harsh and unyielding especially if you are a sensitive young male adult. The bottom line is we are not connecting to each other any more, we are not staying open to other people’s sensitivities, and in this we are asking men to be what they are in truth not. We expect men to be be hard and tough, so they try hard to live up to this image but in truth their natural way of being is no different to women, gentle, delicate and caring.
On a larger scale the choice to suicide results from the pressure to conform and fit in with society, and then perhaps feeling like life is too hard. And for sure we make life very hard for one another at the moment, we have such pressure on ourselves in terms of our gender roles, how we are meant to be in society, what we should be capable of doing and achieving. What we need more of is understanding of each other as unique, respecting one another for our qualities and not holding up a picture of how men and women should look or behave. There is too much conformity in our lives and not enough space to be as we were born to be, unique, equal and deeply loving and accepting of one another.
An article that really hits home. It is absolutely baffling that we are not made more aware of these statistics. Why on earth is it such a taboo subject. It’s like, we’re quite happy to talk about how drugs and alcohol affect peoples lives…without even really considering the very fact that people are going to continue to substance abuse, because the reality is – society encourages substance abuse. yep, I said that. And we ‘think’ we are doing well because we are campaigning around ‘responsible drinking’, and ‘say no to drugs’. But we are saying one thing and doing another.
We then make up some rubbish that if we shouldn’t talk about suicide, because we don’t want to put ideas into people’s heads. HELLO!! clearly the idea is already there if it is THE BIGGEST killer of men. I mean, what is seriously going on. Is it possible that if we talked about it a little more openly, then it would allow others to speak freely about why it might be something they would or have considered…and would that not be a healing in itself?
We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. So true Samantha. And we need to see life in a way that we all have a responsibility to open our awareness, our hearts, and our life to others.And that this not a duty, but a beautiful opening to brotherhood that we all gain and grow from.
Your words remind me Samantha how we have a tendency to look around at people in life and say to ourselves ‘its going to be ok’, to think that life will always be this way, that they won’t change or die or go anywhere. Sure we all have our ups and downs but that won’t disturb the way things are – right? Wrong. These rose-tinted glasses stop us from seeing and feeling just how fragile life can be. It seems to me we avoid this because we haven’t wanted to see how delicate and tender we all are, and the level of care and responsibility we have to live with every day.
I have known a few people who knew someone who had taken their own life and they had no idea that they had a problem. Seems that many people who chose suicide as a means to take their own life keep their problems to themselves which is why it is such a shock then it happens. If this is the case then how can we prevent the escalating rise in suicide rates? I suppose one answer would be to start to truly connect to people on a deeper level, and not ignore seemingly little signs along the way that something may not be right by talking about issues and problems when they arise and not burying them further or hoping they will go away.
What drives a person to take their own life? Despair, isolation, financial struggle, hopelessness, fear, depression, anger at the world? Maybe it is time to stop and listen to what is truly going on instead of brushing it under the carpet because we don’t know how to cope with it and hope it will go away.
Samantha I absolutely agree with you. The shocking statistics on suicide expose an extreme lack of support for each other within our communities. The statistics are there for all to see yet it seems the uncomfortableness of it all leads us to brush it under the carpet rather than ask the questions why is this happening and what can I do to make change?
The drive in society that leaves so many of us feeling bereft of any purpose, self-worth or value in life. This truly is a tragedy that we can all attend to and change.
Thank you for starting this conversation, Samantha. It feels huge and all of our responsibility, in terms of the conditions we are accepting in our society. You bring it to a stark reality when we consider that everyone who suicides is someone’s brother, sister, child, friend, parent…
Exactly. When you start to do the math of the number of people whose lives are devastated by these suicides, then the statistics become even more horrific.
“As a society, and in truth as a worldwide family, we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.” So true Samantha, it sometimes only takes that time to listen to someone and that could save a life. Its when we bottle things up inside us and not share what we are feeling when things gets worse. Allowing someone to just share openly without any judgements, gives them the space to truly feel whats going on.
A well presented sharing on the statistics and reasons for suicide and the role we can all play and bringing attention to this with our responsibility and care for others.” we are all longing for deeper connection with ourselves and those around us, and the simple act of listening without judgment can be such a huge support to someone who is struggling with their mental health.” Thank you Samantha a much needed sharing for us all to listen and care for others truly by meeting them having met ourselves first .
How can we as a human race ignore such horrific news and not question what is that is going on for men to get to this point of extremity. We are quite happy going along to a sports game and have a ball of a time supporting such events whereby there are pages and pages dedicated to the newspaper. Yet news like this just don’t even get a look in. This to me does not make any sense whatsoever.
The problem is that we can not support people who are off as many deep down also give up on life.
Many of us drink alcohol, use drugs or sleepingpills etc not to feel anymore as they can not cope with life. And that is the same issue as the one who is suicidal. The collectiveness of many people who letting energies into their body which gives them the thoughts to give up on life creates the energy for one to truly do it.
This blog reflects the absolute need for all of us to start talking about these things and not just ignore it or leave it for someone else to deal with. We think when these things happen to someone else, it’s not our problem but we have all contributed in some way through how we interact with men according to our ideals, beliefs around how men should be. Every man starts off as a tender, delicate and sweet little boy, that doesn’t go away when they grow up, that’s essentially their true nature but our picture of how they need to be eventually squashes that right out of them.
As a deeply sensitive man I’m experiencing so often how difficult I find it to truly connect from man to man. The answer on ‘How are you?’ is nearly 100% answered with “Good, how are you?”. We’ve protected ourselves to such extend that we’ve forgotten completely that we’re deeply caring and sensitive men. The only way to change these ill patterns and behaviours is by starting expressing. Maybe not the difficult parts, but simply how we feel (!!) about anything we care about. I’m astounded by the depth of men observing and caring for the world if we let them express openly. Let’s start the conversation, let’s start appreciating men for who they are, not (only) for what they do. As the statistics show, this is deeply, deeply needed. Suicide and loneliness, a sense of not belonging go hand in hand. And as far as I’m experiencing, this occurs when I deny myself feeling what is there to be felt. Personally I found it hard to give myself permission to feel what is there to be felt, being able to share it with others is to me incredible supportive. Even though I find it difficult to admit, the listening ear is something I absolutely need. Thank God for all those people who are willing to listen to us.
In truth I have felt overwhelmed by observing the state the world is in, from physical violence, abuse, alcoholism, suicide, aggression (and this is just in the home) to countries at conflict and at war. In my reaction I have withdrawn from life wanting to create a bubble of safety to not feel what is going on. Energetically I now understand this is not possible because we feel everything all of the time…I might be numbing myself to the hurt but I am still feeling it. I am realising more and more, through the teachings of the Way of The Livingness that as everything is energetic, my hiding away and closing myself off does not support others in any way. Where as, (as far fetched as it might initially seem) by being all of me, with a lived openness that can be seen and felt by others, I am truly supporting those like Toby who want to give up on life to see and feel another way.
Is not the disproportionately small percentage of men commenting on why we are choosing to end our lives speaking volumes!
Your ending of your blog with Serge’s quote – ““What do men want most? All men want to be loved for who they truly are.” Serge Benhayon” – is such a beautiful way to leave us with this foremost in our awareness. When we can keep this in our awareness in our daily lives and interactions and start to view men (and women and all of us) from this stance, then I feel something can shift in everyone’s life.
“And whilst we commendably see high-profile campaigns on driving safely, and testicular cancer, suicide – the biggest killer of men under 50 – is not discussed and highlighted as it needs to be. What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?” Great point Samantha, why are these statistics unseen, perhaps there is a bigger truth that we do not want to face – suicide is a taboo subject – as is depression for many. I remember after the birth of my third child walking into a dinner party, someone asking me how I was and me frankly telling them that I had been feeling depressed, the whole room changed – as if everyone was super uncomfortable with with this level of honesty, I noticed how people clearly blanked me – could this be the same symptom that keeps these facts swept under the carpet?
Thanks for sharing that, Lucinda. So long as there is such stigma around mental health issues, we will be unable to meet the needs of an increasingly large percentage of the population.
We all want to be loved for who we truly are and yet we demand of our ourselves and others to be different. There is something very wrong here.
Why are these figures not in the news? If as a society we keep treating as insignificant such devastating reflection of the way of life we have been choosing, we will never raise our heads above the illusion of a ‘better’ life we have created.
The statistics pose a very sad true story; thank you Samantha for highlighting this issue and the urgent need for change. The conversations need to happen, openly and honestly with understanding and love.
Yes we have to look at all our systems and be honest. They are not based on a deep compassion and care for people. Often people in these systems want to express their love of people but say the system is working against them. I see people being stretched and overwhelmed with the amount of work and a lack of care for the workers is there. But systems are made up of people so when and how can we start living another way based on quality we have with ourselves that we then bring to others? I know there is only me stopping me from this and saying no matter what it is quality before anything else – job security etc.
You’ve laid out very clearly Samantha. The root causes are not being addressed and the initiatives that are in place to address the issue of rising suicide rates amongst young men are paying little more than lip-service – it is only when we stop as a collective society to truly consider why men are taking their lives and why is there such a pain to go to these lengths that these horrendous statistics will start to turn.
Living with three gorgeous men I see how much they are rejected in so many ways constantly from when they are born and growing up, the biggest one is that they are not as precious, tender and sweet as girls, that they should not be sensitive or show how they really feel and definitely no crying allowed. It’s crazy even writing this because it is the absolute opposite of how I know and see boys and men to be. They get hurt deeply by roughness, anger or arguments and we all feel everything. This morning I read of a young man of 13 years old who suicided because he was bullied and attacked so much at school for what others portrayed as being feminine in nature. I’m sure if the children who bullied were interviewed and asked if they really felt or wanted to bully this young man for showing his sensitivity and gentleness, that they would be in a lot of pain and hurt and most likely craving to express these qualities as well.
‘Is it not time as a society for us to listen to what is really going on?’ – A question that should be asked everywhere in our society. What is going on in our homes, our schools, our work places, in relationships, friendships and, most of all, within ourselves, to have such shocking statistics in our so called modern day and age? How disconnected to ourselves and others have we become and how have we as a society allowed it to happen? It is truly time to wake up and see what’s going on right on our doorstep.
Most statistics on physical and mental health show a worsening trend, so it is a very wise question to ask: “Why so?”.
Samantha, as you have mentioned, it is certainly time we explored the root cause of these things, but it seems so many are distracted by a range of other reasons or contributing factors rather than actually looking at the true cause. How many more suicides will we wait for till we make a true change? That is a pertinent Question? What exactly is needed for us to be shaken out of our comfort and actually make some steps towards connecting with self and others? Thank you Samantha for opening up the conversation.
“No longer can we give up and brush statistics like these aside, as these men are our brothers, fathers, sons. They are our community.” This is true Samantha, the stastistics in many areas of life are now shocking and it is time these conversations at least were started to raise the awareness for everyone. Thank you.
Sensitivity and delicacy need to be championed, and we women can change the conversation and let men know how much we love them for who they are.
the statistics are most definitely showing that how we are doing life is not working. yet there has not been a real alternative in recent times until Serge Benhayon and his presentations through Universal Medicine have indeed shown there is another way. and the many articles written here stand as testament to the power we hold within and that we only have to make the steps to connect and bring that forth. Not always an easy choice but the only choice that brings true understanding and true freedom
The sheer number of men who have taken their lives is horrifying to contemplate, and then when you take into consideration the people who loved them, their families and friends and work mates etc and the devastating effect this has on them, it is unfathomable.
Men and boys are equally as sensitive and delicate as women, the more we honour that in ourselves and others the more people feel safe to express these beautiful qualities.
Samantha, this is really important to raise – there is so little discussion about suicide, it feels like it is something that in society we do not want to talk about or address. This is a great question, ‘What are we doing as a society to have such high rates of suicide?’ I have observed that there is so much pressure on boys and men to be a certain way, to not be themselves and to not live in their naturally tender, sweet, sensitive way, but instead to be tough, rough and hard, no wonder we have men not knowing where to turn.
These statistics are my responsibility. Every man I meet is an opportunity to reduce these numbers.
These statistics are horrendous. What is more shocking is that they are not more widely known or publicised.
These statistics are alarming and this blog is a true testament to understanding what is true felt by men.
How important it is for Humanity to accept that ‘Men are just as sensitive as Women’ and do away with our
harmful, stereotypical roles and rules once and for all.
We are living through a crisis of men at the moment. The rises in men committing suicide, sexual assault of women, violence, etc. around the world is being driven, in my opinion, by an increasingly desperate population of men who simply do not know who they are anymore. Or possibly never did, having settled for an image of manhood, which is being exposed for its impotence. Many men are welcoming the exposure and embracing their true selves, but many many others are not sure what to do with themselves anymore, and are choosing to move further and further towards the extremes of human behaviour.
Thanks, Samantha. I had no idea that there were so many more men (76%) taking their lives than women (24%). The ratio definitely indicates an acute societal issue that needs urgent attention. This concerns all of us, as we have collectively turned a blind eye to what is really going on for men nowadays.
Hear hear Samantha, “We are all responsible for saying no to loveless, empty systems and no to a society that dictates how a man should be. How many more men need to die? How many more have committed suicide in the time you have read this blog?” And the willingness to actually feel the heartless, cold and empty systems rather than just accept them, ignore them or think they don’t affect us all on every level, is key to awakening the pull to say “no!”.
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“ – This is so true what Serge is presenting here. I know so many men, nearly every one that I have met has this tough persona and won’t show there delicate tender side. I know it is in there and what we as woman have to take responsibility for is that we have expected them to be this and added to this shutting down. We have actually enjoined them by shutting down as well, so as to not truly be who we are also. Both sides not calling each other out to be who we are naturally designed to be.
Accepting people as they are and appreciating them in their deepest essence goes a long way to helping them to appreciate themselves.
Indeed Samantha, what is it that needs to happen before we can turn the tide on the amount of suicides that are occurring, the world over. There is more and more occurring, a lot of those making up the statistics are young men. What is it that is going on that young men don’t feel any other option than to suicide, there is so much more that needs to change here.
It is great to ask ourselves how each of us is contributing to such statistics by our willingness to see each other in stereotypical roles as men and women, accept the status quo which is clearly not serving us, or by remaining silent and in doing so, accepting an ill that has pervaded society and harmed man since old.
This is a shock to read how many young men see suicide as the only option, and as horrible as this is I doubt the families of the deceased ever get over such a thing. With suicide everyone looses.
It seems crazy that we live so far from the true, tender qualities we all innately are. What is the set up that men feel they have to be tough and live up to an ideal that is completely false…and one that goes completely against their and our true nature?
Just yesterday I said to a colleague it is all about building the relationships and then the systems unfold from there, but we have it the other way around thinking systems will hold everything and make everything work without any engagement with the people meant to be using the system! The more I see of the different services the more broken I realise they are and we really do have a crisis on our hands in education, health, social care, local authorities. We have gone for so long disconnected and not putting love and care at the heart of everything that our systems now reflect this back to us. It is not a pretty sight; it is very very cold, cruel and damaging.
Vanessa, I am finding more and more dis-engagement within family systems. It is possible for families, seemly loving on the surface, but with parents dis-connected from their children, no true communication or relationships. Instead I observe parental mindsets which say children will be raised in a particular way because that is how things are done or because this is how we were raised, little regard is given to the child. Children may be given every material possessions, attend the best schools, live so-called ‘good’ lives but are empty inside and dis-connected from themselves. This is also damaging.
Yes, Kehinde, material possessions and the latest trends do nothing to make up for the loss of connection and true intimacy between family members.
Without connection to ourselves or others we drift, we function, we lose purpose and give up on our true sense of ourselves. Practicing the gentle breath meditation as introduced by Serge Benhayon is a supremely simple medicine – that plugs us back in to a source that turns the lights back on from the inside out.
Such connection to ourselves is a needed start.
It is the most natural expression in the whole world to reach out to another, to care and to hold ourselves and others in the Love we are.
I spent a very short time at my local YMCA and there I met some amazingly sweet people, both the staff and volunteers and those they supported. They did amazing work but they couldn’t do enough because of lack of funding and people – there are so many people out there who need our help and that number will only grow.
These statistics are shocking Samantha – i had no idea that suicide in males was so prevalent in this country.
Thank-you for pulling back the curtains on a devastating situation that is rarely discussed so honestly, so comprehensively.
Something I realised the other day: how many times have I been too busy with my own stuff to be humane? To take 5 minutes to chat with someone. And when I type this I can feel the truth that in fact it is the connection that is called for an opportunity to listen and then if it feels supportive sure chat but the purpose is to be present for another. Imagine if we start this with little children what the flow-on effect might be in their lives?
So lost, so very very lost, we are to have so many feel like suicide is the only real option for them. It’s a timely and important conversation to have in a sustained and real way
Just today I was reading an article about a woman who has lost her father, brother and partner to suicide. She summed it up pretty well – men are not nurtured to share their feelings and express their sensitivity, there is a ‘suck it up’ attitude men are expected to live with.
Some one I know aged 95 has suffered from depression most of his life, some stemmed from the impact of injuries sustained as a young man in the Second World War, others from childhood experiences. Physical injuries attended to, but not psychological, he was left to make sense on his own of his inner world. Consequently this person lived much of his life disconnected, as if he was not here, deep bouts of depression, alternating with anger and often had suicidal thoughts, He was never supported to deal with his inner anguish, just given medication. Consequently he has lived with his condition, largely unaware and without healing into old age. Today, more support is offered to service men and women experiencing post traumatic stress injuries. This example exposes yet again that as a society we are less willing to face and support those with mental ill-health conditions.
I love your point that it is the sensitivity in men that we are not allowing as a society that is leading to so much depression and suicide. This is fundamental in the way that we see and treat men. What a difference it would make if men’s true nature was honoured and nurtured. I’m sure many men would breathe a huge sigh of relief and revel in being able to drop the tough exterior.
Rage is just anger that we hold on to! This is like drinking poison and hoping they die? Why do we do this? And as you have shown Samantha that men mastered this and think they have found a solution. The only flaw in the process is, they just get back in the same position in the line when they come back. Your end quote by Serge expresses the root and cure to this subject.
The compassion with which you discuss Toby and the issue of suicide is a great marker of how we all need to approach each other, with care and open understanding. The work done by social workers, mental health professionals, volunteers and all others who do amazing and tireless work to support the growing number of people in society who are struggling
Samantha it is devastating reading what you share and those statistics that are so very real. We have created a world where we are so cocooned in our own bubble that we don’t stop to reflect out and see what is going on and support others when it is needed. Imagine all the lives that would be still going strong if we actually took the time to connect with our neighbours, colleagues and even our own family.
Men are indeed as sensitive as Women – as society we have created and accepted a lie that men need to toughen up, be hard, be a provider, remain silent and carry the world on their shoulders. It is little wonder that we are left with the result that we have from centuries of pressure and disharmony with a man’s true nature and calling.
It becomes key to allow a man to be, to express his true nature from young and to encourage this in both our children and elders – to finally do away with the role-playing and unobtainable ideals that are contrary to our truth.
We need to look at why we work to bring other topics into the open but we leave this huge and ever growing epidemic of self murder and all the suffering leading up to and then caused by suicide, in the dark. Is there a self responsibility we are avoiding here?…
We must allow intimacy with each other now, like today, at the grocery store, at work on the bus… because we all want to be met, witnessed and appreciated for who we are, for the special light only we can bring to others.
I feel it is only without this connection that we can have such a devastating loss of purpose that we would annihilate ourselves…
…and with this understanding it is every persons responsibility to stop hiding and protecting who they are; to open up, be real, get honest and vulnerable every day so others feel permission to come out of painful isolation and do the same; connect.
I can feel that it is my & our most ultimate responsibility, to be open and fully loving in the world and that all the many years I have hidden myself away have been torturous because I could feel the harm it was doing me and every one else.
There is so much suffering in this world we have created. No more procrastination. No more adding to the hell. Time to contribute to the coming home, time to know we are contributing on the side of Love. Time to remember how to open up and be love with our selves and each other.
I love the beauty of your way of connecting to people, Samantha, regardless of what they do, think or suffer from. Your deep care for yourself is reflected in your care for people with such ease and joy.
It is a very touching point, that men are as sensitive as women. We as men can start to change this picture by living as sensitive men in the world. We can not wait until somebody out there starts to appreciate us in our sensitive way. I claim it first for myself.
If we don’t want to brush these statistics away, we can start with not brushing our own worth away. How often does the dismissiveness start with our own beauty?
There are many beliefs and ideals that we attach to the roles that men and women do in life. However in truth they only create a tension or pressure if they mean that we over-ride our inner essence. If feels like suicide unfortunately is the ultimate outcome when we cannot maintain unrealistic expectations and a way of being that is not our natural way.
True connection with ourselves and with others is essential to our very being and essence and living without this is a very sad way to be. The way our society today is going with suicide rates increasing rapidly it is time to express and really see what is going on and make a difference each of us simply by our connection and feeling with ourselves and hence everyone and an understanding of the responsibility we hold with this.
Having had two daughters myself, I have recently spent time with a young boy, and was touched by how deeply sensitive he is. I don’t know why I would have expected anything different, but it is interesting to note that it was a surprise to me at how exquisitely tender this boy was, and it felt super important to confirm him in that.
“Men are just as sensitive as women. If we keep expecting them to be hard and tough, they will continue to override their delicate nature.“ This quote is so important to acknowledge in our society today.
As a young woman I knew someone who committed suicide. At the time it was incomprehensible. They had a ‘nice’ house, were financially secure, had a family, worked in the local town and on the outside all appeared to be ‘good’ in what we are meant to achieve in life however what this shows is how there must have been such a desperation in them that it seemed like there was no other way. It seems like we have to question and look at how life is set up that we are driven to such extreme behaviours and also how we all have a responsibility to stay aware of ourselves as well as everyone around us
Suicide or the fear for someone who might be committing it is devastating to many in our society. Every suicide I can say is a failure of our society to treasure the true beauty every person is and to allow all the unique beautiful delicate and tender people a place where they are loved and taken care of. The way our systems are currently built is created from a picture, a picture that dictates how someone should be and look like and how you have to behave to become a valuable member of our society. But as the figures in this blog shows us so clearly, this system does not work and in truth has never worked and now it is time to acknowledge this and start the conversation on how we can change this and make our societies a place where everybody is honoured and valued for the uniqueness they bring.
You only have to spend time with little boys as babies and toddlers to know that their nature is not to become hard and protective, and that they are highly sensitive. So it cannot come as a surprise to anyone when we have a high suicide rate.
It is totally unacceptable that these statistics are not talked about when so many die unnecessarily. We as men need to stop competing with each other and understand that we are just as sensitive as women.
Suicide is not an isolated issue – it is worldwide and no one is left unaffected either directly or indirectly
If this doesn’t make us stop to truly ask ourselves what is going on in the world what will? “Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease.” (1).
As a teen growing up in a small country town that had the highest suicide rate in the state at that time, has been the harsh reality of how we as a society have not addressed this so called taboo subject. When topic of conversations would turn to ‘I wonder who’s next’ instead of ‘how and what we can do to support’, showed me 25 years ago that theire was something seriously wrong in the way we address or not address suicide. Let’s cut to the chase raw and uncut on the table and begin a new way forward.
“All men want to be loved for who they truly are.” It’s every single persons responsibility in the world to ensure that everyone experiences love in their lives and no one is left to deal with life alone. Stories like this show how vital we are to the well-being of each other, and just how big the responsibility we have to one another is.
Samantha I was thinking about this recently, what can we do? Well we have to clearly start afresh, we have to see that the way men are raised to be strong, don’t cry and take on the burdens of the world is not what being a man is and that allowing the tender touch to be in everything we do and building that connection with ourselves is the only way we can start to reverse the path we are heading in.
I usually find that I get a pick-me-up first that then same food could drop me like a hot potato and I would feel very tired.
As I was driving in the city today I was at the traffic lights waiting and next to me was a car with young men in it listening and singing along to rap songs that were pumping and intense to hear. The young men seemed exuberant but when I let myself really really look I saw young boys who were trying to belong, who were lost and also angry, angry with a world that has never met them in truth.
The world is bewildered as to the huge number of men who take their lives, but that is because the world at large is not choosing to stop and allows itself to see, truly see, that is to read the devastation that so many men are in.
Of all the thousands who suicide each year, there are all those family, friends and colleagues who are also affected by each suicide… so thousands upon thousands affected and yet suicide is not the front page news it needs to be, it doesnt get the funding/research warranted – why is this? Why do we allow these statistics to just pass us by?
It is so important to get ourselves, and the things we ‘have to do,’ out of the way when we have those impulses to do something. Invariably its not about us but the other person (although we may learn something as well). Like you Samantha, I’ve had impulses in the past to see someone, say something to someone, to go a different way… and they have always been for a very particular reason – one that I would never ever have conceived of. Its trusting those impulses, and also trusting that whatever it is we perceive we ‘have to do’ will get taken care of along the way too… as it invariably does – unless I find I don’t need to do it at all!
Serge Benhayon’s quote “What do men want most? All men want to be loved for who they truly are.”
is true beyond measure and is a way of living that we all need to get to, it is certainly easy to overlook the enormity of what is being expressed here but this is something that I feel we need to play close attention to.
It’s true that we are a ‘worldwide family’, so this issue is there to be addressed by everyone and not just those who have specifically witnessed or experienced it within their families or close groups, although more and more people are sadly seeing this first hand any way.
It’s super interesting that this is a problem much more prevalent with men, supposedly the ‘stronger sex’ – it becomes so clear that our perception of what it is to be a man and the expectation that we place on them from children upwards are so off track.
During a discussion this week a number of us were talking about suicide and how this begins with people withdrawing, but because we place so much importance on function and they appear to be getting on with it, then we dismiss the fact that when we look into their eyes they are not the same and do not take the time to connect and check in with them honestly asking what is going on for them. This blog goes a long way in exposing the fact that we have made life about systems and function and not about love. If we had based our foundations of society on love rather than on function we would not see so many people withdrawn from life and with mental health issues. All we are all craving is to be seen and met for the love that we are and to be given permission to express this.