Last Christmas I received the most unexpected and miraculous present ever. I was speaking with my Mom, with whom I have had a difficult relationship for many years, particularly the last 3, and I noted a change in me: let me explain a little further.
A few months prior to our Christmas phone call I came to understand how I was holding myself back from accepting and loving my Mom just as she is, with no expectation, no neediness, and no agenda. When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way, we had some really great conversations in which we truly connected as we never have before.
So on the aforementioned Christmas day, as we were talking and truly listening deeply to one another in this new way, she shared with me something I never thought I’d hear her say. That she and my step-dad, who both drank 3-4 alcoholic drinks every single day for the past 30+ years, (hard liquor, beer, and wine) had stopped drinking completely – and it was no big deal at all! I was stunned. I was so deeply touched to learn that it was something they chose to do together to improve their health and vitality.
My parents are both losing weight, sleeping better, waking up earlier and have more energy. My Mom is 69 years old and my step-dad is 79. Alcohol has been a part of their daily routine for most of their lives, and now it’s just simply not.
In hearing this most amazing news, I connected with the pain I had felt deep inside for many years upon witnessing how different they both became after having even just one drink. I started weeping tears of joy and relief and humbleness.
The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.
This is so huge in my family, and such an amazing healing for me and my partner and for them – for us all together. In one short conversation I was able to let go of years of resentment, hurt, and blame, and truly connect with my Mom again without the intruder named Alcohol. I now feel such deep honor and appreciation for them both in a way that I didn’t allow myself to before, with or without alcohol… The best Christmas present ever!
By Anonymous, USA
It is so important that we do not judge another as we see them in front of us as we do not know what has brought them to this place in their lives at this moment in time. As the saying goes ‘do not judge a book by it’s cover’ and if we do we might be missing out of the wonder that lies inside. So, to take the time to look past the ‘cover’ of the person standing in front of us can be the most valuable experience for all.
If you back yourself and live in a way that is consistently effectively improving your health, vitality and wellbeing, and do not hide the celebration in expression what that feels like, others will feel the change and back themselves too.
When people make loving choices that truly come from them loving themselves more – then this supports them to deepen their relationships around them. As is the case with your parents – and that their choice to do something that supports them allows you to have a more supportive relationship.
nothing is more beautiful than sharing the love you are with another.
When someone we love starts to love and honour themselves more it is a real blessing and joy. It is also great to have no judgement and no expectation that people should be any particular way.
Once we let go of the arrogance that we know what is best for anyone else miracles happen.
Alcohol is an unwanted intruder in so many relationships to the detriment of having open loving interactions. However it never helps to see it as the enemy which is how I viewed it for many years with all the resultant frustration and angry outbursts that only ever provided momentary relief whilst cementing patterns of behaviour even deeper. It is only when we give up the fight that change becomes possible as this offers the other person the possibility of lowering their defences and feeling what is true for them.
It hurts us greatly when someone we love hurts themselves and is not love with themselves or us. Often we don’t ever really stop to feel the full impact of it, but it is there with us and with our interactions with them. Sometimes when the behaviour stops, we get to feel what we have been living with and the impact it’s had.
And imagine if society woke up so much that parents everywhere gave this gift to their children, that they would not hand over to addictive substances, that they would let children see who they truly are every day and every night, that they would choose to be themselves so that children would have the inspiration of transparent parents what a gift.
This is a really beautiful sharing. Everyone really does have the capacity to bring change into their lives, but we do do it in our own timing, whether we are 19 or 79 it matters not and there is no such thing as never too late. For as your parents are experiencing the benefits happen immediately.
It is lovely when we can relate to people without expectations, judgement, needs and agenda – makes a huge difference to them, us, our relationships and well-being. Best Christmas present ever!
One thing that supports with this is to not take things personally and to respect the free-will and timing of others. Nobody in connection to their inner-heart would ever say or do anything harmful so if people are behaving in hurtful or unloving ways then that is because they are already hurt and expressing in disconnection to their true nature.
This is an awesome blog that clearly illustrates we are never too old to change, grow and recommit to living our day to day life in a way that prioritizes our physical health as being vital to our wellbeing.
I can feel what a deep gift that was to you on so many levels. For example, the depth of the conversation you were able to have when your mom shared the love they were bringing to themselves and the potential for further conversations on this level discovering new depths together. It sounds like you were able to connect with each other on a whole different level.
A very poignant sharing. Thank-you Anonymous for all you’ve written here.
It is indeed a great evolutionary point to hold no expectation around our parents and birth families. To not only recognise that each is their own person with their own choices of will as to how they live their lives, but also not need nor demand anything, energetically, from them.
To hold someone in the absoluteness of love, whether they are choosing to hold themselves and/or us in the same or not, is the key. We have so much to learn and appreciate about the dropping of judgement, of need, of expectation, and yes, that which Love truly is (which contains none of the attitudes previously stated).
Beautiful. The best present we can give ourselves and others is to not have something. And this allows love to fill the space.
Wow it is amazing what happens when you allow someone the space and time to feel that life doesn’t need to be such a struggle. The willingness to explore another way of living is not easy and it challenges everything you once did, the fact that it is then easy is just confirmation that it is our perception of change being difficult that often gets in the way.
You describe alcohol as an intruder, I can definitely relate to that, once consumed it seems to stand between two people polluting the connection. Alcohol has become such a normalised crutch in society, it would be easy to lose touch with how great life can feel without it
Thank you Anon for a truly beautiful sharing, to have your parents back after so many years in the fog of alcohol is indeed a miracle worth celebrating, no alcohol needed. I feel your tears of joy.
Anonymous, this is very beautiful and a great life lesson, ‘to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’ thank you for sharing this.
Alcohol the intruder… What a graphic and simple description of something that invades so many billions of people’s lives…a Destructive presence that is literally invited in like some science-fiction horror movie, into people’s homes, always taking its toll.
Alcohol is an ugly intruder and yet so many people see it as their friend.
Humility is a balm that heals so much, costs so little, seems so inaccessible to many and yet is there for all.
How lovely and it strikes me how your mother was always there underneath the alcohol and whatever was taking her over even during those difficult years. So as we all are always still there in essence there is equally always the opportunity to let go off those intruders as you call them that we have chosen and let in.
Great to read this morning, especially how we can hold others in a picture that they will never change or cannot change, and in particular wanting something from them, and then being resentful if they do not deliver. Many of our pictures are not met or do not play out the way we want, but isn’t it far more healthy to examine if our pictures are true than to blame another.
When we expect change from others it means we are attached to an outcome. My experience of being attached is that I put pressure on a person or situation to be a certain way for me. Its all very self centered and never really in my control, so I set myself up for disappointment. Allowing people to be exactly where they are at is a very loving thing to do. I know, because it feels exactly like that when I am in the presence of people who do that with me.
It is amazing when we make true changes in ourselves how this can inspire others to break out of long held patterns and to be inspired to make changes that they too know will support themselves.
“The humbleness was because what my Mom shared was a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.” Wise words Anonymous and ones we can all learn from. We never know how much someone can change, by us staying true to who we are and presenting ourselves with love.
This is such a powerful reminder to never give up on someone whatever their choices. I had the pleasure of speaking to a member of my extended family on Christmas Day who has, in the last 18 months, chosen to not only give up alcohol but also smoking. The change in their voice and manner was so clear and I could feel myself letting go of the remaining judgement and resentment I had held against them for the impact their choices have had on my life. Acceptance is truly the best gift ever, not just of others but also ourselves.
What a true gift you received Anonymous.. It just shows the power we have when we don’t allow judgement criticism or frustration to get in the way of building true relationships.
When we stop focusing on what people (and ourselves) do or do not do or want them to do or how we want/need them/ourselves to be that’s when there is space for change and healing to occur. To see such unfold without effort is an amazing gift to behold.
I love how this clearly shows that judgement has no place in living a true life. We can never box someone to their previous choices, more can we push them to change. Pretty much as we can not hold ourselves to ransom for our past choices, nor can we stop our evolution. To limit our movement towards evolution is not ok, so how can it be ok to do that to another.
Christmas, Its that time of year again where many people indulge more then ever in alcohol chocolates and puddings. I love what you share here about never giving up on anyone, when we live our truth others are always watching.
“When I opened up to her without judgment and with true acceptance, not needing her to be a certain way, we had some really great conversations in which we truly connected as we never have before.” Having no expectations truly transforms the potential of every relationship.
Letting go of our judgements, however subtle and hidden we think they maybe, and just being love with another regardless, is in my experience the only true way to be with others, ‘a huge lesson for me to not give up on anyone ever, to never ever judge or blame another, never ever doubt what someone is capable of, to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.’ Beautiful.
Great story about the power in being consistent in connecting with someone regardless of who they are and what they are doing or have done. As is shown you just never know the impact this may have within some peoples lives and as you can see some people make life changing decisions for themselves without an instruction but simply from being connected to and appreciated for who they are. I have seen this many times as well in people and while it can’t be directly attributed to someone or something in particular the fact that there is a loving connection that places the person above all else gives them a consistent opportunity to make a choice on what they actually want to do for themselves and as you can see it’s never to late or no mountain is to steep to climb.
It’s to not hold back in any situation we are in, regardless of where and the choice of people around us, just be ourselves … That can be quite a reflection especially when we let people be and accept their choices.
what an extraordinary gift to receive… Just imagine if this spread around the world, and if parents everywhere gave the children this gift, that of living in an alcohol free house… Imagine how the world change and evolve immediately
That’s incredible. The gift really was the realisation that we should never give up, because the truth is, when we do, it’s just a sign that we have had an investment in something not turning out the way we want it to…but things/people have their own timeline, own process of how and when they will do whatever needs to be done.
A beautiful present to themselves and to everyone they meet; a present gift wrapped with love.
This is great to hear, how you not giving up allowed you to build a true relationship and gave them a space to make more loving choices for themselves. Your reflection would have played a big part in the choices they have been making to self care for themselves more.
“… to never ever stop connecting and loving no matter what choices someone makes.” This is a great reminder to have, to not waiver form one’s truth no matter what.