Almost a year ago, as I write this, I split up with my girlfriend of nearly 2 years. Prior to that we had been friends for 3 years, getting to know one another. During our nearly 2 years together as a couple, we had plenty of amazing times: road-trips across Europe, her visiting me in Australia whilst I was doing an internship in Sydney, my spending days in Amsterdam with her during her placement year and naturally numerous wonderful dinners, walks and musings across London Town, where we lived together.
When the time comes in any type of relationship for it to change or move on, we can get hurt, build bitterness, experience resentment or even go as far as taking revenge, particularly when the relationship is romantic – something most would say we hold as being very precious to us. As a 21 year old man, I have seen too many of these instances to count, all the way from primary school till now, with school friends, colleagues, relatives, people in my life in general and even what comes up on social media where it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama. Insulting names get hurled around, accusations, blame, fury, rage, friends/families split sides, so called ‘evidence’ ends up being posted online and what not.
What’s interesting for me was that for many years, this was all I saw, so this was part of the package, i.e. ‘normal.’ When my first girlfriend and I broke up, it was arms up in the air ready to blame, shoot threats, lie about her/the circumstances/events and at the same time do everything to get back with her (seems crazy I know!).
I had the same experience with my second girlfriend. I made it clear that there was no contact to be made, let alone friendship to be had. I made the same clear to all her friends, some of whom with I used to have lovely, close relationships. All that just because they were involved with her and part of her life in one way or another. Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt, allegedly from that one person. I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.
For me to look back at this and see the unfounded behaviour with clear eyesight as I do now, may make you wonder if I have had some sort of a wake-up call or a revelation as to the fact that this was not the way I knew we should respond when our relationships came to an end.
So, if you are wondering – the reply is a resounding Yes.
This moment came when I travelled to the little town of Hoi An on the East coast of Vietnam. It was there that I was invited to be part of a family dinner with Serge Benhayon and his household and had the most magical dinner that would completely transform my perspective on relationships. The dinner was full of the freshest fish, greenest veggies and most delicious desserts. However, it was not the food that would hallmark this assemblage for me: it was the interactions instead.
Gathered around the table were Serge Benhayon, three of his four children, Miranda Benhayon (Serge’s wife) and Deborah Benhayon (Serge’s ex-wife). The very scenario of a current and an ex-wife sitting at the same dinner table could well be (and I’m sure has been) the basis of some comedy sketches. However, in this instance it was more of a parable than a comedy, although there was plenty of hearty laughter at the table too.
What I witnessed at that dinner table was beyond what I could even take in at the time. Here was a family who by all laws of societal norms should have had a great big division sign down the middle with children choosing sides and their favourites, wife and ex-wife bickering, hostility, disparaging remarks towards the husband from the ex-wife, jealousy, comparison, envy… the list goes on and on. This family however was clearly bucking the trend. This is a family where it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister… irrespective of all the circumstances, there was not an ounce of undertone in the conversation, not a sliver of jealousy, nor looking down or up at any other member. To see that this was possible, let alone a reality lived with such ease, was a mind-blowing experience for me.
So, what was my take away from this dinner? And no, it wasn’t the left-over fish or the most amazing desserts – those I managed to polish off there and then. My take away takes us back to the beginning of this blog and to my most recent girlfriend.
The process of the romantic side of our relationship coming to an end took a few months and many heart to heart conversations. At times we stumbled across a few challenges and frustrations, yet we never completely abandoned our sense of humour, or the knowing that we were merely learners and teachers of our own life stage. We continued to live as a family, sharing meals together and supporting each other where and when needed.
Even after we both agreed the time had come for the romantic side of our relationship to end, which included physical intimacy, we carried on living together for the next 8 months. I worked on holding nothing against her and to continue to love her as a friend. We went on weekend trips together, shared conversations and cooked for each other. During this time people around us gradually became aware that we were no longer ‘together’ but still living together, and some of the remarks I heard during conversations made me stop and consider how rare our situation actually was. How rare it is to continue to love one another, when the access to bed chambers has been closed off. Remarks that came were: “She’s still living with you? Doesn’t she have her own family?” and “That’s so weird!” “Must be very tense?!”
I couldn’t help but appreciate the role models in Serge Benhayon and his family and how they had inspired me at a very young age (I was 13 on that trip to Vietnam) to take the same/similar steps years later and to walk through the whole process of my own separation from a girlfriend with greater ease, dignity and LOVE. Based on what I have seen in society, it is blatantly obvious it would have been much more ‘normal’ and socially accepted to go the usual route of hurt and all that accompanies it: resentment, bitterness, blame.
Thank you Serge, and thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.
Published with permission from the Benhayon family and my ex-girlfriend.
By Michael Brown, Maths Student and Manager in Retail
Further Reading:
End of a Relationship and the Expression of Love
What is the Science of Appreciation and how does it evolve all of our relationships?
Relationships are about evolving – the key to making relationships work
Understanding how we can come to appreciate another with true-intimacy as we can not but always hold another in the same appreciativeness, as intimacy (letting another in) and appreciation (the relationship we have with our essences) are like twins you can not have one without the other, so deepening our relationships with another is evolutionary.
The magic is in the appreciation and learning from the Benhayon family for you to then reflect this to others.
When the communication is open and transparent, when we take the responsibility in looking at what interferes in the connection between us there is no one to blame but very much to appreciate.
Michael the way you ended up this relationship feels very honouring and supportive. Your experience makes me realize about that loving people equally is natural for us, no matter the situation we are in and how far away we seem to be from each other, at the end we are one.
Before I met Serge Benhayon and his family I never knew the power each person has on others. On one hand, I did because I had spent my whole life learning from the way others lived but it was only after I met them did I understand it consciously. When ones living way is based on love that effect of others is truly amazing.
“life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.” What a great line, and what a gem of wisdom to live by which would totally transform all relationships.
To have the role models of Serge Benhayon and the rest of his family is incredible, to know that life can be lived with a level respect and dignity towards one another which is almost not heard of or seen is reassuring, refreshing nad something which has the power to inspire.
How dreadful is it that the vast majority of us can’t afford everybody in our lives a very basic level of dignity and respect? But we can’t. Not only that but most of us are outwardly hostile to at least a few people in our lives, either that or we simply cut them out completely. This is what happens when you step away from love, you make room for another energy to come in and come in it does, in fact it rushes in, glad of the opportunity to derail us further and create even more separation.
‘all the way from primary school’ bitter break-ups and resentment in primary school!!!! Oh boy do we need to work on our relationships! ? Great to hear that you are genuinely living and reflecting something different to this.
It is such a shame that it has become the norm that when there is a romantic breakup the relationship ends completely and that person whom you previously had a very intimate sharing with no longer occurs in the future.
The Benhayon family are a prime example that love is the foundation for all relationships whether it is a romantic one or not.
We make it so easy to blame another when things don’t go the way we expect them to, far better to reflect on our part and learn rather then blame and remain forever stagnant.
‘We get hurt by ourselves and not others,’ this was such a confronting statement to me but one I’ve really allowed myself to be open to and discover is true.
No-one but me can take me from knowing and feeling the love I am within. When I am connected with this love whatever awful harm comes my way I can see the other person isn’t themselves, they’re hurt and what comes through them is that hurt. This is why people say terrible things in arguments. That’s not to say they are not accountable or that I tolerate abuse. It’s to bring understanding and love so all parties can be reminded of who they are and return to that.
Life is all about relationships, when we take that opportunity to connect with one and other we have the opportunity to confirm who we really are and where we are really from.
Its easy to stay in the hurt at the end of a relationship, but here Michael you present another way. A way that doesn’t involve operating from our hurts from the end of a relationship but from going beyond to a connection with each other that is not defined by romantic relationship but by something much greater, the oneness we are all from
I have often pondered on the love and adoration couples share when they are together, only to let that go at the end of the relationship. The love and experience that was shared always remains even if not always expressed.
Open or closed, big picture or small picture, Mini Me or Expansive Me, the choice is always ours.
Absolutely amazing, I too have been deeply inspired by the dinner table sitting and it is a pretty amazing occurrence to bare witness to. My seen occasion was at a event held at Lennox Head, and my mouth fell open with what I could feel from the whole family and how they conducted themselves in a way that was so beauty-full and deeply meaningful.
I’ve had my own break up, actually with this one there were a few makes ups and now a break up. The usual is to cut that person out and I did try this but it felt petty and mean and I felt less about myself. I realised why not have an openness with him – even if I never saw him again. I have not shut him out, we are good friends, there is a respect and love there that serves as a beautiful foundation if either one of us choose to start a partnership with someone else. My love for him won’t diminish – I don’t fall for the lie that there is only so much love to go around!
So, so different to what I see portrayed in the media and how I’ve witnessed the hate of an ex and the taking sides.
Serge Benhayon continues to be an amazing role model for all, he sets a marker for what is true family and what are true relationships.
This is so far removed from the breakups I used to have with a boyfriend; all emotional and drama to the max. With an unhealthy dose of feeling sorry for myself and blaming the other. It just goes to show that relationships and breakups can be a responsible grown-up affair.
When life is made about love first, we are open to learn from every occurance.
I’m with you there Michael – I’d rather have the break up than sell myself for a relationship that is not evolving.
So incredibly, this is a beautiful example of how unity and developing a depth of who we truly are can really hold everyone and all within our loving grasp. Truly beautifully explored.
Beholding has no condition or expectation – just space to be and breathe.
I find it quite shocking that it is possible to have a relationship with someone where we can appreciate their many amazing qualities, and the next moment there can be such an animosity. I have witnessed this not just in relationship break-ups as discussed here, but also in political situations when all of a sudden there is a turn and all the amazing things the person might have contributed gets dismissed and forgotten.
To me both of these scenarios show how we choose for whatever reason to close down our heart, there is a a host of negativity that is ready to flood our mind. I have learned from personal experience that it IS possible to keep an open and loving heart regardless of the changes in life, and Serge Benhayon and his family are such a great example always.
Serge Benhayon has taught me too -that we are all deserving nothing but love, and that we are all from a divinity that holds vast wisdom.
It is interesting that our ‘normal’ in society is for breaks ups to be bitter, unloving, emotional and upsetting. Reading your article makes me realise that it doesn’t have to be this way and that there is no reason why we can’t hold each other in love, care and understanding and make the whole process much more loving and simple. I know when I have broken up with partners in the past that I have thought that it needs to be emotional and dramatic – I’m realising that this way really isn’t supportive for anyone.
This is really lovely; ‘This is a family where it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – ‘mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister,’ Reading this makes me realise that the labels we have can cause division and that if we saw each other equally and not in these roles then we may not have the ideals and beliefs and pictures and we could relate more to each other more as human beings rather than ex/present etc..
‘Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt, allegedly from that one person.’ this is a point that we can all ponder on to more deeply consider the effect of our choices to have protection in our lives.
Deserving of nothing but love… yes… and it is up to us to know this and therefore be able to set the standards in our relationships with everyone.
We often can wait and wait for others to show/give us love before we return it… what if we were the ones to show love without measurement, without conditions and without holding it back?
“Break-ups are not always about relationships break-downs, but moving on, evolving and freedom to choose.” Beautifully expressed Richard and wisdom we would all benefit from bringing into our lives, and into our relationships. Too often I have seen couples staying together when the most loving move to make would be to end the relationship. And the longer they stay together the further away from love they move and the harder it is to move on, in any direction.
The wisdom with which you write Michael, certainly offers a whole new view on what a relationship breakup could be, and in my view, should be. But most relationships end very acrimoniously, totally overlooking the fact there would have probably been a loving beginning to them. Unfortunately many of us allow the hurts, anger, sadness etc get in the way of bringing the relationship to a loving close so then we are free to move on in our lives, allowing the hurt free space for another relationship to grow, if that is what we choose next.
Serge Benhayon and his family are certainly breaking the current trends in more ways that we realise – This amazing family treats all as equal and holds everyone with the same love, something to be deeply inspired by, as it is much needed in our world.
I do not fully realise opportunities to treat everyone as equals. It is a work in progress and one that I know starts with seeing myself alongside and equal to everyone – no more or no less – simply and beautifully equal.
Thank you Michael for your heartfelt sharing about separation and how indeed it can be possible to hold a beautiful relationship with the other despite not being together any more. Separation does not have to equal loss of love and being loved.
A loving relationship is not defined by outcomes or activities but by consistent quality.
And I know from my own experiences that a relationship that is defined by outcomes and activities lacks quality.
This is a role model for the future. A great example of how we don’t have to have such disharmony between 2 people who once felt love between them.
I wonder how much the fact that you had built your relationship on a friendship over a few years had to do with the fact that you were able to part amicably and stay friends.
Your wisdom in what you have shared Michael is not only inspirational but belief breaking, breaking down the aged old belief than when a relationship is ended, that it is, no more contact, no more loving interactions and often a huge amount or acrimony. I would have loved to have had this wisdom shared with me when I was growing up; a huge amount of tears and the pain of ‘heart-break’ would definitely have been avoided.
I love what you share Michael and can so relate with what you share – I have a great relationship with an ex-partner, and his new wife, and this to me seems perfectly normal. To me they are family and that will never change, even if we don’t see each other for a while. Perhaps it is because I have the same role model as you do in Serge Benhayon and his family or perhaps it is because I have woken up to the truth of how life could be when lived in equality and harmony with everyone, whether they be an ex-partner or not.
It’s so beautiful when need drops out of a relationship and we come together as fully loving human beings to share together without agenda or investment but with the beauty of ourselves,.
The breakup you have Michael from what you share isn’t a break up but a break-through to more love.
Beautifully said Zofia! It is a ground breaking break-through that is testament to the maturity and responsibility that can be lived by us all.
How inspiring Jane. If we subscribe to the cut people out of our lives model we run the very real risk of re-creating all the same problems again with someone else.
If we were open to this model of relationships we would have a far more harmonious community with a commitment to understanding and a standard of respect.
It seems that we like to play the blame game rather than staying with an open heart and taking full responsibility for our part in any relationship break up.
Very true Rachel and this seems to be the case for most things in life it is far easier to blame another than take responsibility for our own part in it. After all a relationship is 2 people, it is never just one!
It is correct that we often think that we are entitled to go into blame, hurt and anger when we break up with someone, just the one two words say it all, break up, to become separate, rather than lovingly bringing to completion our intimate relationships. We end up walking around with unresolved, incomplete relationships, that we use as proof time and time again for the reason why people can not be trusted and it is not safe to have an open heart. I agree, great to resolve and complete our relationships with Love, I have not managed this in person with past partners, but I have in my part resolved it and hold no animosity, but Love for them. This feels great.
There is much more space and grace in observing and appreciating the love that is there rather than blaming another for no longer fulfilling the role that we have assigned them.
When we make it about love and not need then we form unbreakable bonds with each other instead of suffocating attachments that leave us feeling broken and lost when they eventually fall apart.
Yes, Liane, those unbreakable bonds are formed when we relinquish our hurts and make our relationships about constantly learning and growing together.
The ironic thing is, we are all naturally bonded together already. A bond that it is impossible to break because in truth we are one united whole.
We seem to have somehow glorified a propensity to not embrace a change of relationship and to play a victim if it happens. I have noticed how people are more than eager to side with one party and feed such an outlook.
‘How rare it is to continue to love one another, when the access to bed chambers has been closed off.’ – How true Michael, we choose to make the hurts more important than love.
Eva, Michael – I agree and yet how often then are we shutting down the depth of love that has the potential to increase even if the type of relationship changes. After all the basis of all relationship can be love so why limit that love.
Very true, I know for myself just because I am not physically intimate and living with someone does not mean I do not love them anymore. Love is not a switch we can turn on and off. Yet it can be so easy to go into the hurt and blame at times that the love is ignored but overall it is always there and never goes irrespective of whether you ever see the person again or spend time with them.
Serge Benhayon, his wife Miranda Benhayon, his ex -wife Deborah Benhayon have all taught me that it is not only possible to get on with ones ex, but still love and respect them without any awkwardness, misplaced emotions, resentment, jealousy, competition, insecurity etc. I have to say it’s been astounding as I never saw this reflected before. What’s lovely is how open I am to past relationships – it’s not about getting back together or anything like that, but for appreciating them for who they are. It always seemed crazy and sad to love someone and then declare forever you hated or despised them. Much wider to see the hurts and protection that got in the way and let that go so you can be free to continue loving people unconditionally.
Divorce courts would be transformed were this approach to life understood and adopted.
Or perhaps instead of transformed, made redundant all together!
Very inspiring blog, and is a great example of how break-ups don’t need to be heart-breaks, with just a common sense approach that things are not working, and still being able to respect one another and remain friends, it certainly is a different way to the normal style of break-ups, which involves lots of drama and emotions.
True appreciation for ourselves and others brings the truth into our relationships and the fact that we are all love and nothing can change this. A beautiful sharing and knowing of how life can be.
Michael, I have noticed that this seems to be considered ‘normal’; ‘as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama.’ reading your article I can feel how different break ups can be and that there can be love and holding and support of each other and what a difference this would make to all involved – friends and family alike, as many people get affected when there is a break up.
When we truly begin to appreciate our own beauty and amazingness we can appreciate this in others, and then all relationships are honoured from this platform with no need or possessiveness.
What I read here is actually a deepening of relationship after two people decide that their relationship no longer is an ‘intimate one’.
If we can have our living standard as love (for ourselves and others) then so many of the perceived norms (acrimonious splits ups, family conflict, sibling rivalry etc.) would be exposed for the abuse and devastation they are.
Why isn’t this normal? Is it possible that we actually like the drama and the wounds we walk around with – rather than accepting the responsibility that we can be totally loving with each other all of the time. Perhaps if we were living with others all the time then we would have to look at being loving toward ourselves 24/7
This just shows the relationship potential we are all walking around with. We are capable of being purely loving and can completely turn our ways of being in relationship around.
We often compromise our own feelings when it comes to any relationship and do not stay to what feels true to us, this then builds resentment and complication. I have found the more honest I am how I feel in any given situation the clearer I become how things are for me and am then also able to express accordingly.
I know when I have finished a relationship the thought of staying in touch wasn’t on the cards at all. I knew I could walk away and forget about it and not take any responsibility for the part I played in it, convenient really.
There would be no drama shows left on TV to watch if we were living in true relationships based on love as described in this blog so beautifully. What part of us wants the drama? The part that wants to be seen as right and another person wrong.
At times I notice that people go through life often repeating the same drama or issue again and again. I used to feel sorry for such a person (at times myself) who seemed caught in what I considered as ‘bad’luck’. But now I know it is nothing to do with luck, it is the outplay of our refusal to learn the life lessons presented to us and also the love we are held within bringing the lesson round and round until we finally do get the message.
I always thought that if we leave a relationship on bad terms we will have to at some point come back and revisit that relation ship to right the wrongs even if it is in the next life time or the one after that, so what you have done here Michael is how it should be done as we should never move on without tying up loose ends.
It is possible that if a relationship does not end in this way that if we live it ourselves when we meet again we offer the same quality of relationship without having to do or say anything, it is the quality of relationship we choose which others will feel and have the choice to live or not.
The truth is no matter what happens in life it is always an opportunity to love deeper and that is the preciousness that cannot be ignored.
Yes this is true. The lesson is always offering us more love and to be more loving with ourselves.
Yes, Michael. Spending time with the Benhayon family is like a living parable, for they reflect true love, brotherhood and uncompromising dedication to humanity with every word and gesture.
It’s not uncommon to end a relationship based on there being ‘too much drama’, and yet the breakup can exactly mirror the drama experienced beforehand. The conversations we have to do with how we feel in any relationship, whether we’re talking to our partner, sister, dad or friend are so important and we should always address changes eg possible breakups with integrity and understanding, rather than drama and emotions which can be toxic.
Yes, this makes sense. Why would we choose drama, emotions and conflict?
Turning our back on another never works and anything less than Love will always place a not so loving energy on the relationship we have with every other interaction so our love-less way has a detrimental effect on us and all our relationships. Simple, Be Love and all relationships will reflect that as you have shared Michael.
What your blog is asking us to ponder, and I love this question, is what is actually possible if we put another human being above our hurts? Could it be possible that we’d make different choices and different actions to ensure that both people walk away as unscarred and complete as possible?
What is presented here is the possibility that we can have a loving relationship with someone always no matter if we are romantically involved or not. And that we can continue to respect each other no matter the circumstances. Very beautiful and sets a new way forward.
How gorgeous to live with such a death of love and honouring of one another that even if our past hurts are triggered by a change, we have the foundation to continue loving, cherishing and supporting one another.
The resentment and blame game is such a cop out to not want to truly take our own part in the relationship. Taking responsibility for most is too challenging because when we do we have to feel the impact of our choices and how they have hurt and disrespected the other person.
Love is love and there is zero hurt. Any hurt felt is what we came here with, it cannot be given to us by another and every relationship is offering us an opportunity to understand this deeper and hence to return to the Truth of us. This bridging process of returning back to love, the us that we miss, is very precious.
I’d rather break up in and with the transparency of love than not and be in something, a relationship, that was just a veneer.
Yes it is super important to have true role models so we know that there is a different and more loving way to go about life. As at the moment we are surrounded by so much that is not loving in society that it is easy to let go of what we feel is true. Confirmation by these great role models is what is needed to be able to break free from the mould and live how we feel in our heart is possible.
Absolutely agree great role models are needed so we don’t feel we are alone and that there is another way to live which is full of truth and love.
Having been someone who was never very good at ending relationships in a loving way, I deeply appreciate the example we have in the Benhayon family and in people like you Michael, who have made the effort to part with grace and love. Not always easy, as it requires us to take responsibility for the pain we feel and our part in the whole scenario, but as you have proven there is a loving way to move through it that honors both and expands our love rather than diminishing each other in the process.
Break up with love and there’s more than there was before, break up with hate and all are left with less.
Yes, Michael, if we allow our innately loving nature to remain part of the equation, any interaction, conversation or even a break-up can be evolving.
Break up with love allows both parties to evolve with a true understanding of relationship and gives space to deepen within oneself.
What you shared is beautiful. In my personal experience I have realized that what is possible and not possible is absolutely not a mental thing we can convince ourselves of. It is though an absolute body situation. When my body was surrendered and opened, the truth it knows is only love and connection, despite who the other person is or what we have experienced with them, it cannot change the fact that our bodies know connection and when there is no judgment we only want to be close. What you are saying in Truth is the relationship you have built and deepened with yourself allowed this to happen through the very simple connection with your body. This is inspiring and life-changing.
‘What is possible and not possible is absolutely not a mental thing we can convince ourselves of.’ So true. It is a body thing: we always know deep down whether we are being true to ourselves or not, and whether we are operating within the realms of our body’s limits, and not the minds – and then we deal with the consequences when we are not.
I have observed how initially many breakups in relationships do actually begin with an equal understanding and honesty, but then an outside influence starts to creep in and either one or both parties can be pulled in to a vicious web of hatred and betrayal of that once very precious intimacy that was mutually shared.
That’s a great observation Shami of how we can get influenced by others and not stay true to ourselves.
Shami I have too observed that, this is often the case when both are not held with the love and respect that they deserve. When the space and understanding is not given then other things can creep in and cause a disturbance.
Re-writing some rules that have been made ‘normal’ by our lazy acceptance of them, this is a brilliant testimony to holding ourselves and each other with respect, care and ‘deserving of nothing but love’.
It is a deeper level of understanding and holding of each other with that level of respect, that allows the depth of love to be felt.
The Benhayon family for me are a microcosm of how humanity could be: a depth of love beyond anything I have ever come across, an honouring of every single person at the deepest level, a dedication to living at the truest level which ends up ensuring that everything flows in perfect harmony for all, a level of inclusivity that embraces everyone else equally also, and a depth of purpose that embraces the whole of humanity – and wow you can just feel the power and magic pulsating from such relationships. Could not get better role models for starting to know and live our full expression.
So true, Golnaz. The Benhayon family are living heaven on earth…..not in any airy fairy sense of the word, but in the sense of how we all are capable of living without the imposed ideals and beliefs, hurts, slights, pain, anger, lies, and lovelessness. The Benhayon’s reflect back to us a way of living that we are all returning to whether we take the long and winding road of return or not.
Yes, Michael. I am enjoying a deepening friendship with my ex-husband which feels really honouring of us both, and we can now reap the benefits of having known each other so long in terms of sensing how to offer support to one another.
Janet that is beautiful to see that there are relationships out there reflecting that it is possible to still have a loving relationship with your ex husband and still live your life in fullness.
I have never experienced living with someone close to me after a break up for a long time…temporarily yes but I was not aware of the healing that is possible by not closing your heart then.
But since then in following the guidance of my body it seems true that the heart forever just wants to be open and that is the state I would like to be with people, no matter what our experiences have been.
I must admit the thought that it is possible to break up with someone and still have them close by in your life without any jealousy or hurt getting in the way feels very challenging to me but I can see from reading this blog that it is possible to do this.
It’s our normal to create dramas, lie and do all of the crazy things you’ve mentioned in the blog Michael, yet we all know deep inside that this is not normal, it is not our innate way of being and that we can handle a relationship break-up in a different way.
“Thank you Serge, and thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.” Hear, hear as indeed the Benhayon family are an inspiration for the whole of humanity.
A relationship breakdown needn’t mean we cut someone out of our lives completely and it is great to have role models who can show us how to stay open with love in our hearts
Crazy how it’s considered normal to hold resentment, bitterness, heartache and rage when ‘seperating’ from another.
Real love never leaves us, it may just be presented to us in a different way.
The Benhayon family are inspiring so many people around the world to buck the trend – keep up the amazing work Michael.
Haha thanks Sarah, and it’s true! I know many more just like myself who have gone against the grain so to speak and are living a far grander life (in terms of contentment not necessarily materialistically) as a result.
It makes so much sense to honour the fact that a change in the way the parties in the relationship relate to life, could lead to a place where the most harmonious and empowering choice is to change the form of the relationship. This however does not mean any less love, care and support between the people.
Pondering on this, if after a relationship ends we ‘get hurt, build bitterness, experience resentment or even go as far as taking revenge’ it begs the question what was the relationship built on in the first place as surely if a relationship was just built on love, including the love we have and hold ourselves in then, if it ended, there would be zero room for hurt, bitterness, resentment etc. We have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships both with ourselves and others.
What is so beautifully highlighted here is how our relationships offer us the continual opportunity to evolve, to heal and deepen our relationship with love so that we can support and inspire ourselves and each other to freely live the power of all that we are in essence.
And in that, I have found that it is the times that seem the rockiest, there is the biggest opportunity for both to advance to the next level of relationship in all aspects of our lives.
There is nothing you are breaking up when it’s about Love more like stopping something that didn’t belong any longer that was not of love or just an expansion and evolution that you are honouring.
I feel this too Natalie – it becomes something which changes in terms of what is called for if based on true love but the love it self remains the basis for whatever is next, just as it has been for what has already been.
I have noticed that ending a relationship lovingly is a reality that is becoming more common amongst those who study Universal Medicine. In fact these days my default expectation when I hear that two people have decided to call it a day is that they conclude the relationship with grace, compassion and respect. There are of course bumpy bits, but none of the usual fighting, eliciting sides or playing victim seems to surface when both parties are more than ready to take responsibility for them selves.
I have always wondered how much real love there was in the first place when people can behave so badly towards each other after they break up. I have been guilty of this too in the past, so it has been through great role models and hindsight that I can see that love is love, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not. I have found it very revealing to ask how true the love was when I am no longer getting what I wanted from the relationship.
In our lives our relationships will never stop, they will continue to adapt and adjust according to the level of depth each is willing to unfold into.
Yes so true Michael and it is always very fascinating what there is for us to explore with every constellation we find ourselves in, as it always involves the opportunity to deepen and live with a greater connection to our Soul.
The Benhayon family are to me, and obviously to you, one of the most powerful reflections of what true family is and what true relationships are. Society seems to promote that any break up in a relationship is a potential battle ground with people taking sides and all sorts of fighting and accusatory words thrown from one side to the other. To me, making it a battle not an opportunity to form a potentially more loving relationship is one opportunity not to be squandered, after all we are in truth, one big global family.
No true relationship will end, only change how it is expressed or lived, the quality remains the same.
Absolutely and when we are open to the purpose of each relationship then we can move on without rancour retaining love for the other person and the understanding that they were in our lives for a reason and celebrate that and the expansion we have been offered.
This is an interesting way to look at life. “…knowing that we were merely learners and teachers of our own life stage.” how can we be hard on ourselves or each other when we choose to see that we are all here to learn and teach….there can be no right or wrong but a progression and deepening of wisdom. If we choose it.
Being in a relationship, rather than not being in a relationship is just one example of a million different scenarios that we think we want, when in fact it’s often the situations that we peddle furiously to avoid that actually bring us the most evolution. Much to our detriment we continually keep choosing comfort over evolution.
Love it – “when in fact it’s often the situations that we peddle furiously to avoid that actually bring us the most evolution”. So true Alexis. Very often our greatest learning is in those bumpy, uncomfortable situations that force us to dig deeper and connect to the real purpose of life, to bring love to all situations. Cruising through life avoiding all the areas of life that call for commitment, responsibility and looking at our ‘stuff’ has zero contribution to our true evolution.
The question is how loving have we been? If there has been lack of love during the relationship, then likely this will be also reflected in the break up. But if there has been the commitment to be caring, loving and honest, when it is clear it is time to part, the foundation carries on.
Unbelievable now as you say, but it is very easy to fall into the trap of shutting out a swathe of friends because of a hurt, or an injustice. The openness and ease of communication and understanding you had, and continue to have with your ex-girlfriend, is testament that we do not need to let hurts fester, rule or influence our lives and relationships.
A healthy break-up is actually a break open – the opening of space for truth to breath and expand, hence a rather joyful and confirming experience for oneself and with each other.
Yes it is an expansion and moving on for all concerned and never a separation.
A beautiful way to regard the ending of a relationship, as an opportunity for more truth to be expressed, graciously so that empowers both people to positively grow and expand from the experience. Michael’s example here proves that this is not just a pipe dream but a reality that we can all achieve by taking full responsibility for all we feel, say and do.
Very cool, love this sentence….expansive indeed. Yes when we turn to truth and chose it we open up.
Much better to break up with love, than to break down in any arrangement that contains none of love’s quality.
So true Zofia. Better to break up with Love than bump along in an arrangement, burying all that does not feel true in favour of the little pay offs we accept. Whatever we do in Love simply makes more Love, together or apart.
True family is about initiating and evolution and never about a pace where it is allowed to have abusive relationships.
The energetic truth will always reveal the root cause and the truth of every situation.
“Thank you Serge, and thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.” Isn’t this the most amazing gift anyone could give or receive…
Yes, Serge Benhayon and the whole Benhayon family, are definitely the gift that keeps on giving. When you think you’ve received all that there is, there is always more coming your way. The question we need to ask ourselves regularly is – are we really appreciating this never-ending and most price-less gift, one that is not just for us, but for all?
Because we are all constantly being reflected who we are not, we have totally lost sight of who we all are.
Yes, it is completely crazy isn’t it and then when someone comes along and reflects the awesomeness of who we truly are they get vilified!
The strange thing is that not remaining loving after a relationship changes is actually the painful part but it also exposes that the relationship itself may not have been based on true love but a way of being in relationships based on pleasing each other and avoiding things which may already contain hurt.
Yes, the pain felt is that the relationship was not the love we know deep-down we are and deserve.
A beautiful sharing of the love we all are and the livingness of this in life in every aspect showing another way that is possible for us all.
I always knew (by an inner sense) that there is or should be a way but without the Benhayons I wouldn´t trust that it is possible, therefore it is possible to live it for me and everyone else too.
The power of a lived example Alex…
And then it is us who become the living example for others…
A true and typical example of how Serge Benhayon and his family demonstrate through their genuine love of each other the way we should by rights all be living. And so we are graced by their living example that steadily and relentlessly restores our trust in love and in each other again.
I love how in every situation there is something for us to advance with… we are never left empty handed or at a deficit.
The sooner we banish the notion of good and bad then the sooner we will return to truth.
It would be amazing if we could all just learn what is there to be learnt from the relationships that we have and then move on without any animosity. I have always found it weird how some people can go from being so intimate with each other to absolutely hating them.
Indeed Kev, it makes no sense to hate your former partner. But then, what does this tells us of the relationship you come from, was this truly a intimate relationship or more an arrangement in the type of ‘if you do nut hurt me, I will not hurt you’.
Beautiful Michael, what a gift to humanity it is to show that there is a true and loving way to end a relationship without the usual blame, hurts and dramas that accompany it. Working out how to end a relationship in this way takes courage and the willingness to take honest responsibility for our behaviour. Serge Benhayon, Miranda and Deborah have established a new benchmark for us all, one that you and your girlfriend have confirmed is completely possible and hence will in due course become our norm.
‘…life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others….’ This is my experience too, something I shied away from because it meant seeing my responsibility in life. But I now love the fact that I am not a victim and this brings much joy that I don’t have to be hurt but can be open and love with people.
Beautifully said Karin… we hurt ourselves through our own perceptions of people and situations – which may or may not be true – and often blame those people/situations for our current situation, holding those perceptions to be our truth when there is always our responsibility in every moment, every situation.
Yes that is a great way to consider it, all being part of the same soup. We think we get away from people and situations but we don’t and we can carry the baggage of hurts around with us for many years clogging up the soup. As we do the work to let go of that baggage, everyone in the soup benefits regardless of being in contact with them anymore.
Yes, because no communicating just feeds the stories we are building in our heads. Whenever we communicate it cuts the energy in half so the ‘problem’ is so much simpler to deal with.
It is only when we see the reflection from another of how we could be in relationship that we can consider how we are in our own relationships. What you and your ex-girlfriend shared will leave an imprint on both of your lives, and perhaps offer a similar reflection to others in your life just as you writing this blog has. That is a pretty awesome ripple effect!
Because we are all constantly being reflected who we are not, we have totally lost sight of who we all are.
All relationships in life are learning situations that are meant to assist us in evolving. A short conversation with the mailman or an intimate long or short relationship with another is presenting us with keys that unlock doors within us.
There really is a way of breaking up with a partner that does not have to be full of acrimony, bitterness and blame. Love can remain in the process and, as you say Steve, every relationship moment is offering evolution. In the ending of a relationship we can ask ourselves, what is my learning here? we can take responsibility for how we handle it.
We come up with a million reasons not to truly Love – yet none of them are good enough. And anyway deep down inside we know exactly what is the way. Live it more and we might find it’s easier than we think.
We only need one reason to truly love and to truly be love: If not us, then who?
‘… life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others…’ – two revelations that change everyone´s life as soon as one is willing to listen: 1.) life teaches us, it is us who needs to be willing to learn the lessons instead of holding on to righteousness and justification; 2.) we are no victims but self-responsible and free to make the choices we make and therefore the creators of our life, always.
There can be so much hate between 2 people who were once head over heels for each other. So in that we have something to look at. Why do we allow the drama of sour endings when in fact it does not need to be this way and we can still appreciate the other person for who they are.
Maybe because we were never truly head over heals with them in the first place but rather in a heightened state of excitement. A state of welcome distraction from our underlying discomfort. Perhaps we never really appreciated the other person for who they truly were and so when we split up, we are thrust back into all of our unresolved issues but this time with a failed relationship to add to the mix. A guaranteed recipe for bitterness and resentment.
‘A guaranteed recipe for bitterness and resentment.’ It’s like being a sous chef in a kitchen where the head chef refuses to surrender and accept that the original creation has been so tainted and soured that the only true choice is to 86 it and start again. Continuing to blame the sous chef for being unable to disguise the bitter taste the recipe leaves in one’s mouth and so blaming them for the bitterness in the first place is the pot calling the kettle black.
Love this analogy Brigette.
You and your partner Michael are a living, breathing, walking, talking example of two people who have put love before the needs and desires of self and hence show that there is no true place for hurt in any relationship. Hurts serve only to keep us separated and individual
We hold so many beliefs and concepts accompanied by a series of emotions and behaviours we simply consider to be normal because they are socially shared and agreed on that it appears to be strange or even alien when someone is not or no longer following this convention. Not that this is just ‘un-normal’ and therefore recognised but it can be disturbing because we are shown our own limitations, conditions, games and dramas to be artificial, ie. self-created and not a given we are a victim of; and if self-created it also means we choose it for a reason we may not like to be aware of. Could it be that we like to be irresponsible, indulge in emotions and complications, keep ourselves busy and entertained in the ‘turmoil’ of life? But why? A life of simplicity and love as presented by Serge Benhayon doesn´t feed such indulgence and ignorance but offers a life of love and responsibility to be chosen and lived ! , no one is or can do it for you.
Looking at it this way, a ‘break-up’ in a relationship is not a break-up at all. It is simply a recognition that the dynamics have changed and the form of the relationship needs to be fine-tuned. The foundation of love, care, mutual honouring and respect does not need to change one iota.
So many couples stay together “for the kids”. What the amazing example of the Benhayon family shows is that the only important lesson to give the children is that of true love. Wowzzers…and so much more supportive than the ‘facade’ of love when in truth it is anything but – and how arrogant of us to believe that the children don’t see feel and know the difference. The problem is that if that ‘facade’ version is shown to be more important than the true version, then the children become conditioned to settle for the un-true ‘facade’ version. And thus the rot and lies, deepen.
The children feel everything and when couples realise the lies no longer work children often say “its about time!”
We each receive many moments of inspiration in our lives. True success is when we have the commitment to convert that inspiration into a lived expression. Big respect to you Michael and thus you inspire many more.
“We are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.” this is it summed up in a nut shell Michael, such a great sharing, I too have known of couples breaking up, or it could be said in another way, such as choosing different pathways with none of the same blame and guilt that is often associated with breakups, only a respecting and an acceptance that it is time to move on, the situation that you described is rare indeed in this world.
I have definitely in the past had big pictures of what it is meant to be like breaking up with partner. Since deepening my relationship with myself I have come to realise that the respect and love i have for myself I have for the other also so it is quite beautiful to have a break up where it is not actually a break up at all, just a honouring of where each other are what is next needed when it feels complete.
Elizabeth beautifully expressed and something that I deeply know is true from my own experience in relationships.
Lovely to read again Michael .. and again, it’s a truly hearty read to take in a relationship written with a truth involved.
The unconditional endlessness of love… this is what constantly holds us, whether we engage with and live it or not.
‘…that we are all forever learning’ – this is a gift of a truth and teaching for us to understand and live in life; it invites a curiosity and humbleness in me.
Breakups are normally fraught with emotion, tension, sadness, anger and sometimes distress. To know that breakups can be dealt with differently is a breath of fresh air.
“The Break-Up I’d Rather Have” – there is no point in relationship when there is no love or expanding love [evolving], yet there is every point in relationship which includes break up when there is love. Love enjoys and responds well to the presence of its own love. There can be no place for hurt, when the space is full of love.
Perhaps this is the only true ‘break up ‘ we can actually have? I have often tried to end poisonous habits or behaviours with ‘cutting them out’. But reading this leaves me feeling that the true key to success is actually holding myself and whoever else is involved in appreciation and love.
Such a beautiful example Michael of how we can continue to grow and evolve in our relationships no matter what the circumstances, the standards you have set will be felt far and wide.
No one should ever be forced to ‘choose sides’ during a divorce or split up because it puts people in an extremely unfair and uncomfortable place, as a result of one’s own choices that were often nothing to do with friends/family/the kids etc.
Yes, Fiona, I have experienced that love can continue and even deepen, and it really helps to let go of any pictures of how a relationship should look.
Relationships offer us great reflections and sometimes these reflections are so challenging that we want to run away but we will only meet the same reflection time and time again until we get it. We have such opportunities to evolve with everyone we meet and it is so lovely that you have remained friends because there are still opportunities for reflection in the wider relationship.
This is beautifully shared and expressed Michael. If divorces were settled so amicably, it would be less harmful, especially to children who often (for many years) are left with the feeling that ‘it has been their fault’.
So in truth there is no ‘break up’.
Love it when one can see that direct link between a lived example of what is possible, and then taking that as the inspiration of how to make a different choice ourselves. And so you become the inspiration for others Michael…
How powerful is our lived experience and the role-modelling of those around us.
They say the journey is better than the destination – I say that the journey never ends and that each ‘destination’ is simply a moment to make our next move even grander.
I love how you finish, Michael, with such a strong sense of equality, in that no-one is the winner or the loser but rather there is a mutual openness to learning and growing, with no attachment to what that will end up looking like.
No need for winners and losers when no one plays the game.
By your sharing of the impact that Serge Benhayon and his family had on you demonstrate how the most powerful form of teaching is by lived example and hence what a huge responsibility we all have as we are all examples for others.
True Elizabeth, needs, expectations, resentments and hurts fuel the break-up if true love is not the foundation.
It’s quite incredible the level of abuse that some of us are prepared to put up with rather than break up with our partners. We’re willing to be ignored, ridiculed, tormented, beaten and even tortured both physically and mentally rather than walk away from a relationship. And as absolutely everything in life acts like a mirror, we have to look deeply into the mirror and ask ourselves ‘why?’
Such a beautiful sharing of interactions within a true family. Thank you for sharing!
Once we accept that we have had thousands of lives we have to accept that we may have had at least as many partners. We constellate together with different people in each lifetime, reflect each other’s patterns of behaviour and all the lessons we need to learn, then next lifetime, others come along. In truth we are all related, all connected, just going round and around the Sun learning or not learning, evolving fast or slow depending what we choose but nevertheless evolving. The more we can have harmony with everyone the more we can learn.
Yes I agree with you Elizabeth, and sometimes giving each other space to grow can be a deeply loving choice.
Every moment is a choice and if we are prepared to choose love, honesty and a willingness to observe everything within and around us a whole new understanding awaits us. As you have shared Michael it is possible to live this but many do not choose to and instead take their comfort in blame, disconnection and anger. Thank you for sharing your experience and the opportunity it brings.
Responsibility for self will always translate into responsibility for others.
This is great Michael, setting the standards of how we can truly love someone no matter at what point or stage the relationship is at. A massive bonus for the two of you and great learning as well. Thanks for sharing.
And that to love someone after the breakup of a relationship is not unique, impossible or inappropriate.
We always have a choice in our relationship with the world, then let the world decide whether it will reciprocate the quality back.
Even the term break up has negative connotations
The Benhayon family are true role models for humanity, nowhere have I witness a family like them who lives with the deepest respect, love, and adoration for themselves, each other and towards the people they meet. They are the role models for how to live in true family, and they don’t hold back in embracing people with the utmost love, openness, and appreciation.
A beautiful practical example of how love inspires and it can be in any situation.
It’s not uncommon to not just cut one person out of our life but many after going through a dramatic breakup or the like. There are times that call for change and transformation but there is a big difference between that and shutting people out of our lives in a massive reaction, which may not be the best way to deal with the situation at hand, and as you’ve shared Michael we could actually maintain great relationships with them.
Love is love so even if we are not in a romantic relationship with someone any more it does not mean that the love has gone away.
Beautiful sharing Michael and something we could learn from in society today that would change everything and bring truth and love to the world. “thank you to the entire Benhayon family for showing me that we are all human beings, that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.”
It’s interesting that the things we do seemingly to protect ourselves from hurt following the breakup of a relationship cause more hurt than anything else and we do this to ourselves.
I like the idea of splitting up in love – kinda like falling in love. Breaks the idea that we fall out of love, but rather there is just a point when the relationship naturally comes to an end. It doesn’t have to end with slamming doors and cutting people out.
When we experience and are inspired by a true way of living there is no telling how far reaching this can be. It highlights the responsiblity we have to live this for ourselves as it could be the turning point for another in their lives to live that true way for themselves.
The fact that when relationships break up and couples do not talk with each other or do not remain loving, exposes that true love and respect was not there in the first place. If this foundation had been built between the couple then this would be still present just the nature of the type of relationship would change. i.e no physical intimacy.
What we react to most of the time in breakups or arguments between Romantic partnerships is that we see hurt being hurled around. Breakups and fights can be about love. We have to be clear and feel and if we blindly reacted then we have chosen to attack with lovelessness..
When there is love in a relationship, there is love in every form it may have, and this is always an inspiration worth to be witnessed.
If a relationship doesn’t foster change and evolution it perpetuates stagnation, dullness and disregard. Your sharing Michael leaves me to ponder what my own relationship with change is like. Do I move on lovingly and gracefully or stubbornly hang to habits, comforts and the past?
Truly inspiring Michael.. the shift in our relationships need not be all dramatic and reactionary, though often the reaction and blame are chosen as a way not to feel our own hurts. That this is a choice and not a given is great to share.
Thanks, Michael. Love how you were able to keep the humour going with each other throughout the process of breaking up, which shows how strong your relationship was and continued to be.
I agree, there is a lot to be said for making light, but not trivialising the experiences we have. Things do not need to be heavy, if we are light, be gentle and understanding we allow ourselves space to see more clearly, and do not fall into emotional overwhelm.
Love holds us no matter what we are doing if we stay connected to our essences, so any relationship when living in such a way we will start understanding more and more and not judge or condemn another so that you we can all live in total agreement as Michael has so lovingly shared.
I love this article in every way, but most especially for the playfulness that you bring to a subject which for many would normally be very painful, and as you hold absolute respect for what that pain is – having been through it yourself, you are also a great role model.
The more resentments that accumulated during a relationship the harder it is to have a good connection afterwards. The reverse is also true in my experience.
Yes, resentment for me has come through self fury and regret, when I have blamed others, on reflection it has been because I have been unwilling to take responsibility, hence the self fury.
The way a relationship changes (never truly ends) will be determined by the way it has been lived. Relationships based on love and truth never end and have this as their foundation no matter what form they may take.
Hear hear Michael it really is that simple “that we are all forever learning and that we are all deserving of nothing but Love.” – I love how you have openly shared your inspiration and learning and how this is absolutely bucking the trends of relationships that end with such remorse and fury. There absolutely is another way and it starts with connecting to the love that we are and holding everyone equally in this, no matter what.
What a learning and the humour is , that this truly is just normal and the true way of interacting .
As a friend said to me one time its never about ” separation ” . ” There is nothing wrong in parting its all about how you part “.
What if we treated all relationships this way, understanding that they change and move on. It feels enormous to let go of our investments and pictures of how we want things to be yet immensely healing for all involved.
There is always, The Way, in every moment we breathe.
People seem to think it is almost a given that we need to be at odds with our ex’s but as we know this just isn’t the case. There are many examples of people, including myself, that are still in touch with those we used to have closer relationships with. There is no reason at all why we shouldn’t.
if we make our relationships about love then love can remain in the ending of it’s cycle.
Awesome blog Michael and it has made me realise how much we walk around guarded or in protection with people every day because of past hurts, just in case we get hurt again, but unfortunately this prevents us from really maximising the potential of love and connection that is in offer.
Protection is the greatest hurt and so I commit to be as raw as vulnerable and as honest to everyone as possible.
From former days of emotional break ups, lies, and bitter tears, to breakups that leave the residue only of love and the space for more love to be through expansion – what growth in understanding you share in your post Michael.
Absolutely Zofia there is no reason why this can’t be an opportunity for growth on both sides.
Michael, this is beautiful; ‘We continued to live as a family, sharing meals together and supporting each other where and when needed.’ It feels very true that we are still family and that we can still support each other after breakups and that there need not be bitterness and drama, but instead care and support.
Michael, this is really interesting to read; ‘it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama.’ I can feel how true this is, it seems rare for romantic relationships to end amicably, without blame and judgement. I love how you have shown what is possible – that there can still be love and respect for each other when the relationship ends.
“I say allegedly deliberately, because life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.” Yes we get hurt by our reactions to situations, not by the situation itself. It may seem a bit of a stretch for many but I also experienced that when I live in a loving way with myself and others, situations don’t get to me as much and when they do I know how to reflect, understand why and how to let it go. Becoming aware of our own input in the situations is exactly what gives us the power to get not affected by it and walk free from it.
Lieke, what you write is very true.
With your amazing blog Michael you showed us how important true role models are and which effect they can have in our own lives. With that knowing it is essential to be a role model too what you are with sharing how your last break up was – Thank you for being such an inspiration.
It is beautiful and in truth natural to live the love that we are which cannot be bound by societal rules, ideals or beliefs. This is the reflection sorely needed in the world. Being love is the greatest gift in its own right, a movement that is simple and flows with the universal direction of evolution.
So true Elizabeth. I experienced a breakup recently and now I am appreciating how deeply loving our relationship is because there was no drama, no blame or feeling hurt by each other. What has revealed to me was that our relationship was based on love and our breakup was a needed shift and we both appreciated how it supported us to see where to go next and allowed us space to ponder, appreciate and value what we shared.
Amazing Michael, you are an inspiration to us all. What you’ve shared is certainly rare in our society, to be able to live together with your ex-partner and continue a relationship after a breakup. This shows us that relationship breakups can be deeply supportive, loving and honouring of each other, very different to what most of us witness.
You could say that it shows we never need to have a “relationship breakup” as we stay in relationship with everyone it is just that certain things have changed such as no longer sharing a bed and maybe we have less time together but the love has not changed.
It is interesting how the words we use can frame situations in the negative when this is not actually true, such as ‘breaking- up’ or ‘broken heart’, ‘falling out of love’… The way we use words can reduce what is truly on offer.
So true Nicola, I love this. `the type of relationship may change but there will always be a relationship, In my experience, the love can grow even after a break-up.
We’re here to support our fellow brothers to evolve. Evolution doesn’t delineate between wives and ex-wives, it simply sees us all as the equal aspects of God that we all are. Every relationship bar none should be about lifting the other up to their highest energetic potential. Bearing a grudge of any kind, be that towards an ex, a family member or a friend retards us and the other person immeasurably.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I also had the experience from society, friends, the movies etc that once a relationship ends, the ‘love’ that was there ceases. People take sides, blame is sent flying and it seems any behaviour is acceptable because we are hurt. I also experienced the complete opposite being around the Benhayon family and this started to break down the acceptability of animosity when separating. Because of this I have an ongoing relationship with my ex and his wife, who are both an important part of my life.
Yes, Michael, I too have experienced the deepening of a relationship when it has changed from one form to another, and it goes to show that we cannot have any pictures about what love should look like.
Love is so much grander than any pictures we could possibly have.
That is beautiful to feel and really shows how constricting our traditional images are and how they literally stop a true development in a relationship.
Sitting at a family table with no inference to titles would have been a fascinating exercise. A bit to wrap your head around as the roles of mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son are deeply ingrained in us all.
Yes it is liberating to simply live who you are without having to live up to the roles that the world imposed on us.
Your experience observing how the Benhayon family are with each other is an experience that will never leave you and an experience that ought to be normal for children to witness, the sad truth is ‘normal’ is as you say the exact opposite full of hurts, anger and revenge.
Your sharing raises the question of what is ‘normal’? Is it what we see most and get as examples?
Great Serge Benhayon and his family set true standards for what is actually normal and then you can’t stop loving someone. Just like you cannot love one person more than another.
I have a few ex partners and can say I love them all dearly. I always felt it was such a shame that society views it as weird to keep in touch and remain good friends. I have heard people condemn their exes as horrible people and perhaps a lot of what went on behind closed doors was the opposite of love. But at the core of us all we are amazing.
It may seem so much easier to blame another and not look at our part in allowing disrespect or abuse at whatever level it was present. I’ve been in unloving and disrespectful relationships but I can see both our parts in this. Now I’ve healed much of my part, I have no need to hold whatever went on against an ex. If they want to remain friends and are respectful I’m all for being in touch. And though I know I will never see many of them again I know I hold only love for them in my heart as I walk around. That feels amazing.
I can relate to what you have shared Karin, in as much as that I do not hold my ex-husband as the bad guy. If anything I can see how we were together much more clearly now and even though I never see him and probably never will as he lives overseas, I have no resentment towards him and would welcome an open, loving relationship.
This is so cool what you shared here Karin about being honest about our own part in allowing abuse or unloving aspects in our relationships, and I can see how by you healing many things that allowed that disrespect and holding your ‘ex’ with love, that it really clears things and heals that relationship, even if you never speak to them again. The other bonus to this approach is that it allows all future relationships to be that much more loving, caring, considerate, and open.
To love an ex partner dearly can be looked upon as weird and unlikely but what if this was the norm and that relationships that come to an end does not mean that the love ends.
A beautiful tale with a loving ending, thank you for sharing yourself and the Benhayon family with us.
The beauty is that there is no ending, just an evolutionary step, a change in the relationship that can still offer so much to both as they re-orient themselves.
Beautifully put Elizabeth.
Reading about the Benhayon family makes me realise that once you are love, you love. It’s not possible to be love and not love. And if it’s conditional, it’s not love.
How beautifully put, Fumiyo. Love has no conditions, it just is love.
An awesome read, thank you Michael. What you share is amazing yet should be completely normal as it is natural. Serge and his family are the way we all could be if we simply let go of the drama and remembered that love comes first. It’s bigger than any hurt and we should never, ever deny the love we all innately are. Knowing this now and having observed the Benhayons for many years, it gives me inspiration for all my future relationships.
I never understood how it was possible that if you spent many years in a relationship loving someone that, that love could be simply switched off when the relationship ended. What was experienced and shared will always be left in the heart of another and can never be eradicated.
Me too Rachel and when we shut someone out or disown them in any way to me that is never about love. It also makes you question if the relationship was ever based on love in the first place when breakups are full of hurts, resentment, and bitterness.
There is a stop moment that is offered when you first see Miranda and Deborah together as it breaks down all these beliefs we have around how to act with an ex-wife.
It is absolutely totally inspiring how the Benhayon family are living on every level they are laying the foundations for truly loving relationships.
Wow it is very refreshing to read about a ‘break up’ in this way and I would definitely agree that this is currently not the normal experience for most people, but why not put love ahead of any personal hurts and see what happens?
Great question Andrew and when we put love before anything else, we receive love back and it just keeps expanding. When we respond to anything in life with love, the result is simple love. The equation is pretty simple and it looks like the normal our society has settled for is obvious to me that it is currently less than love.
Just because something is unusual does not mean it is not possible. For we’ve lived for way too long retracing familiar steps instead of walking our own walk with all our swagger.
It is beautiful to feel and see that a young man like you does reflect about all these things and live a different way in today’s society.
Michael, this is a really interesting point; ‘life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others.’ I have found this too. It seems common in our society to blame others rather than for us to take responsibility for how we have been. It seems from my experience that it is how I react to situations that feels key, I can go into drama and emotions or I can choose to have understanding and acceptance.
A couple of my greatest allies in life are the person I used to go out with and his wife. Apart from choosing to spend time with them, the fact that we have common friends, often frequent the same places and enjoy many shared activities, means I see them a lot.
In the alternative way, the relationships could have been my worst nightmare. Yet true to what this post shares, just thinking about these two people makes me well up with joy and smile.
If our love for someone is true love and not the emotional kind, there would be no animosity when we decide to part ways for what ever reason that may be, but the emotional kind is where the hurt can brew into hatred.
So true Kev, and I have seen this many times where couples break-up and it leads to resentment, bitterness and even hatred. Very rare do we see relationship break-ups done with love and absolute respect, with zero hurt and a deep honouring of each others evolution and choices.
When we are willing to take responsibility for our part in a relationship ending then there is no need for the drama and blame games, we can embrace the learning and evolve.
When we see every relationship as learning we choose evolution – a gift not just for ourselves but for all of humanity.
“The Break-Up I’d Rather Have” – there is no break up when there is instead the presence of love. Because when there is love, there is always first the understanding.
Thank you Michael for this beautiful testimonial. You have shown time and time again your dedication to growing your relationships and holding people around you with the utmost dignity and love. I remember the countless of times you have shared the story of this dinner you had with the Benhayons and how much it has touched you – only for you to start making your own steps to live in the same way.
Michael this is inspiring and I agree, the role model set by the Benhayon family is rare but very much needed. It is possible to have an amicable divorce and to remain friends with ex partners, even with the new ‘other partner’. As you say, the hurts are of our own creation, therefore we can also choose to let them go.
The Benhayon family are certainly role models for true family. I would never have believed this was possible, but watching how this family love and interact with absolute love and respect is so inspiring.
I can see how closing oneself off to continuing relationships with ex- girlfriends, boyfriends, and others, just because you think they hurt you is really a shame. If one stops and considers just how many learning interactions, that could lead to other relationships too, would be possible if that person had not been cut off from contact, the number of potential moments of growth, understanding, joy, etc. are astounding. Also, when we don’t realise that we hurt ourselves through our reactions and taking things personally (as Michael pointed out here so wisely), what we then bring to the next relationship is a shaky foundation that is ready to collapse once again.
Society shouldn’t determine the nature of any relationship or event, including break ups, marriages, divorce and ‘dating’. We should be allowed to express in our own way.
Very true Alison, these dramas are definitely not limited to an age group.
Could the reason that relationship endings are usually so full of drama, hurt and emotion be because that’s what they were founded on, to start with, i.e need, undealt with hurt, and emotion?
Great point Bryony. I feel a lot of relationships do start that way with need, undealt with hurt and emotion. They do not have to stay that way but that would necessitate both parties working through their ‘stuff’ and becoming more honest, allowing themselves to change and in that the relationship too.
The Benhayon family are living the future right here, right now. Showing the world that there is another way to be in this world. And here they are showing you, and by in turn you choosing to be inspired by them, and ending your relationship wth grace, respect and love, you are showing other people the future now, and so on and so on the cycle can go.
Thanks Michael, I especially loved your bio! It’s so needed for people to realise there are other ways to travel through life, that we can be open, honest, vulnerable and allow a relationship to ‘end’, but put love first and continue to love each other. The truth is even when a relationships ends we are really just changing how it’s configured as we are always in some form of relationship with each other. Even if we don’t see each other what’s there between us is the relationship, whether that’s angst or love is up to us. Taking responsibility to put love first no matter how the relationship appears on the surface is a great way through life.
So much of the way that we choose to behave is because it is the way we are expected to behave. But, as you have so beautifully demonstrated Michael, we do have the ability to choose another way and in doing so, reflect to others that there is always another way.
A very gorgeous sharing Michael. Love has no off switch and if it does, it is not love but a form of attachment that pains us to let go of. Thank God for true reflections like the Benhayon family that remind us of who we are and where we come from so we do not have to live less than this love if we so choose.
Yes and what I understand from reading your comment Liane is that maybe some of the problem with break-ups is that when we split up we declare that the relationship is ‘over’ or that we are ‘not together’ even though this is impossible because the relationship actually always continues, no matter what the configuration or shape of it may look like. Maybe most of the hurt and jealousy and inability to move on, or to allow another to truly move on, stems from the fact that we attempt to cut ourselves off and try and shut down the connection with each other therefore denying ourselves of the intimacy and love that is possible with that person, this hurts more than we care to admit and then goes on to create all the usual post-breakup issues and angst and behaviours.
Great sharing Michael, so good to have a read on what is actually possible when it comes down to ending a relationship and building one further with that same person (lady in this case) instead of dismissing the other person. How truly evolving that is.
This is a new perspective on relationships which in truth marks a return to a true way of living with each other where relationships are based on our deep loving connection to each other. How do we access and live these relationships with others? First reconnect to that same deep loving connection to ourselves and then it is clear it is there between us all.
If we build a relationship based on need and filling up our holes then of course we get hurt, angry and resentful when those needs are no longer met, we then ‘do not love’ each other anymore or even go as far as hating them. But all the hurt is based on the need and the expectations. Serge Benhayon has taught the true meaning of love and the true purpose of relationship, both through his workshops and his own living way, and when this is understood and lived to the best of our ability all we have left is opportunities to learn and grow and there is no blaming or resentment in sight.
very cool to appreciate the drama-less experience a relationship break up can offer here – and to see by amazing reflection that we can totally carry each other as equals no matter what our family role is.
What I find inspiring about your sharing Michael is your absolute lack of attachment to having the ideal picture of the relationship you may have initially wanted but instead honoured the impulse of love from your heart knowing that relationship is not about labels but about love.
Serge Benhayon has shown us the way to expressing, communicating and relating from love rather then from hurt and protection. It makes all the difference in the world (quite literally)
Beautiful Michael and I have a very similar experience where my ex partner and I are still closely related and allow ourselves to love each other. In a true relationship the love never goes away it is only the expression or form of the relationship that changes based on what is needed to keep growing and evolving.
What a powerful and inspiring learning from the reflection offered by the Benhayon’s at a family dinner. There is much wisdom, true responsibility and integrity you share here Michael about relationships and breaking up with a deep level of care, rather than blaming another.
“life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others”.
A great blog Michael filled with wisdom, true responsibility and integrity.
“life experience has shown me that we get hurt by ourselves, not by others”.
Every relationship is constellated, even when it is not a ” direct” one – as friends of a partner. What a shame to dismiss these, when the status of a relationship changes.
It must be very painful, when people end the romantic expression of a relationship and never talk to each other again. ( assumed there is no danger or other abusive energies at play that need to be stopped by having no contact)
Love does not end, only you choose a different expression, so why actually abandoning from it, when there is no need to?!
When my daughter got married earlier this year several people commented to her that her father and I seemed to get on very well seated next to each other at the top table to which she responded and why not just because they are no longer married does not mean they don’t love each other.
The best “take away” in life is having reflections of truth, that totally questions our ideals and beliefs.
The break-up I had years ago with my partner at that time gave us the opportunity to heal a lot of things as we continued to work for the same company. Both of us felt there was work to be done and that this was more important than us holding on to old hurts. And I was amazed how easy and lovely that all went. Purpose and our love for people united us in an instance.
There is nothing like reading a blog about relationships. Breakups are seen and known to be unhealthy instead of the greatest opportunity to take with you what was learnt to the next. I have experienced both before and after I was committing to the principles of energetic responsibility and integrity. The clear difference was blame. It was not easy but until you do resolve and complete what was provided, you continually live with that tension inside which eats you up more because that relationship is with all others and yourself until it is resolved within.
I agree, Michael. When you have shared a part of your life with someone, be it for months, years or even decades, you have a connection that is always going to be there, and this is an important relationship to still honour and cherish even if it takes a different form.
What came to me as I read your tender article Michael is that you had to work on this: you consciously chose to end the romantic side of your relationship with conversation, love and support of each other and rejected the usual choice to react, defend, attach, cling and hurt each other. These choices damages both partners and feeds into future relationships. To break what is considered a normal, but damaging, pattern of ending relationships rests on having a deep love for ourselves that supports us to hold steady and love another equally even through difficult times.
A beautiful example of the ripple effects of being with others who truly love and respect each other and how this experience can inspire another to bring those same qualities in their own life and relationships.
How important it is to understand the responsibility we have as human beings: we are all role models, teachers and people learn from us for better or worse. And the quality of your ‘break-up’ romantically, that is, from your girlfriend Michael is an example of this. How you and your girlfriend lovingly supported each other through a change in your relationship set a marker and example for your friends on how to break-up with out breaking up each other. This is true love in action.
So often inspiration is a momentary experience, where we feel and see something that strikes a cord and leave it at that, this is a beautiful example of how we can take that initial inspiration, commit & dedicate ourselves to making changes that bravely step outside of so called societal ‘norms’ of relationship break-ups and ground another inspirational way to grow, deepen & evolve our relationships – thank-you Michael.
Thank you for sharing this Michael.
I read a post the other day from a friend who also shared how their relationship with their ex fiancé was, in that it could have been bitter but they were still friends and there for each other when support is needed. It is great that we are starting to re-imprint, to the best of our ability, our relationships with respect and love and how this basic decency should carry out to all the relationships we have in life.
‘it’s as if there’s a rule that where there is a break up, there is a drama.’ This is the expected norm in a relationship break-up and as is often the case, resentment, bitterness and deep hurt accompanying the split. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be this way. When splitting from a partner around 14 years ago I had the amazing experience of splitting from my partner with a feeling of joy on both sides. We both came to the understanding, at the same time that it had to end, but there was a deep love that remained. We went on holiday together to celebrate our relationship and with a sense of completion it ended. It was simple and beautiful at the same time.
I am not in contact with anyone I have previously dated and yes they all ended badly. I did however get the opportunity to meet one of those ex boyfriends fairly recently and because I am in a different place I could feel I completed it, I also offered for him and his girlfriend to come around for lunch, they declined but for me that is cool. It is how we are in ourselves that dictates how we are with others, when I ended past relationships I was full of need and blame, being more responsible and loving has enabled me to hold myself and others in more love and not react and blow up as I used to. And the needy thing to be liked and not feel rejected…..well if we learn to love ourselves, and hold ourselves in that, there is no rejection. To be rejected we need to personally disregard ourselves. Sometimes it is true to evolve the relationship from physically intimate to not, but does not mean if the quality of love is established that it has to change. We can still be loving with people without being sexual. I Love what you share.
What stood out from reading this is how we bring people into our family and then when the break up happens it’s suddenly taboo to talk to the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, and as a mother I have met a couple of now ex’s and personally didn’t have a problem with them and thought them to be decent people with a lot of potential. We now have an ex-boyfriend that we consider to be one of our friends along with his parents and still wish to be in a relationship with them all.
It’s great to read about a break up that doesn’t involve denigrating the other. The Universal medicine community seems to be leading the way in showing that break ups don’t have to be angry painful affairs. Seeing Deborah and Miranda Benhayon enjoying each others company gives the lie to the fact that an ex has to feel embittered.
The Universal Medicine student body is changing many aspects of how we traditionally relate to each other. In relationships between women we work on letting go of comparison and jealousy to relate to one other via our essence, from the sacredness and preciousness we are as women, loving and adoring each other. Men are tender and delicate with each other, and there is a deep level of intimacy by sharing openly all of who they are together. And there is no inappropriate or sexual energy between women and men, instead there is a deep respect and honouring essence to essence and a willingness to continue to work on being more love together as a community. It’s pretty amazing.
I have heard many stories from people whose life was transformed at a Benhayon dinner. Each one had a different tale but each one was equally delicious. What is truly amazing is not how loving the Benhayons are but how come we don’t all live like that when it is so simply, natural and true.
Agreed Nicola, transformation over the dinner table. One meal, one meeting can change everything. What if we all lived knowing this – perhaps the world would change quicker than we imagine.
Thank you Michael for sharing something so important AND making me laugh as I read it which I needed today.
Always ready and at your service Nicola haha
Just shows that when love is the central core theme of any relationship, anything is possible. Which includes the presence of a burgeoning deeper love as your blog confirms Michael.
Great sharing and learning Michael, as you say it ‘Seems mad when I look back now at how many wonderful human beings we can cut off from our lives just because of one hurt’. We can do this all the time regardless of whether we have been in an intimate relationship with them or not. And if we have we were with them because we loved them and so when we break up does not mean we suddenly stop loving them just have chosen not to be with them anymore for what ever reason. The key I feel is to hold onto the love for each other and let go of any of the blaming or hurts as none of that helps and just makes things worse.
Serge Benhayon and his family are a reflection of the true and wider meaning of family.
And a true family is more than just ‘family’…it is a constellation – a specific grouping of people that are positioned together to reflect the truth of who we are. One day we will all be this, for what is lived in the home has an effect on the entire geography of the world. If this is so, then what we have long held to be our ‘comfortable nests’ are indeed so much more. The ‘everyday’ home has the potential to stand as a mighty pyramid (a structure that helps to transmute energy from a lower vibration back to the higher) based on the movements of those that live within it.
This is an inspiring blog to read, and again shows me that Serge Benhayon and his family live in a way that feels so true that we then feel that we can have a go at living this way too, because we have proof that it works. This is so important because in reality our society is in melt down as we seem to be continually dropping our standards. In contrast the Benhayon Family is raising the bar on standards, so now there is a clear choice to be had.
I love what you observed about the Benhayon family: “it didn’t matter what their titles were within the family unit – mother/daughter/ex/present/father/sister… irrespective of all the circumstances, there was not an ounce of undertone in the conversation, not a sliver of jealousy, nor looking down or up at any other member.” In fact each member of the family relates like this with every single person they interact with, the whole world is treated as part of their family and they are a constant inspiration to everyone.
This is a great example of how each of us are capable of sowing the seed of change in the world and making a powerful difference simply through living a true reflection.
Michael, this is gorgeous to read. How refreshing and inspiring to read that there can still be love and care for the other person when we split up in a romantic relationship. I love how you are showing there is another way, this makes the whole process one of love, learning, support understanding and evolving, rather than bitterness, blame and hurt.
Michael a beautiful sharing about what true relationships can be about and one where there need not be the normal break up drama despite the love, in fact, because of the depth of love the normal breakup does not need to be there. It shows once again what we think is normal is not and the true normal is one far grander than we fully appreciate. And within that is the inspiration, the dinner you had that stayed with you and the legacy in this blog to show others the same.
I have often wondered how it is possible to go from loving someone very intently to hating,loathing and never wanting to see them again. I have remained friends with a couple of girl friends although I seldom see them but their is no animosity but I have one that when the relationship was breaking down or was over set out to destroy me. It was a long time ago but I did have a sense of karma and I tried to at least make things amicable so our paths wouldn’t have to maybe cross in future lives but she knew my way of thinking and seemed to take pleasure in the possibility that we could meet up again so she could cause me more grief. I know now that’s not exactly how things work but at the time I wondered why things had to end so badly and now I know they don’t.
Yes, when we don’t question the ‘normal’ we just play out the script we have seen being played out around us for years when growing up, even though if we might get encouraged to feel what we truly would want to do in these situations this might be totally different.
Beautiful Michael, when we have love and understanding that our hurts are created by us and therefore to heal only by us it changes everything in how we go about and do life. Relationships are no exception; many hurts can come to the surface during the break-up of a relationship but what I have learnt and am learning is that it is never too late to heal and let go of them.
This is a beautiful blog. I never understood why we would want to cut off someone with whom we are obviously quite compatible. That feels very strange to me.
When a relationship does not evolve us any more there is the simple choice to break up and move on as that is true love because it needs to evolve to stay a livingness.
We all deserve to keep evolving and to let go of the relationship if this is not the case anymore. There can be so many reasons why people stay together that are actually not about love at all, but about needs, pictures and beliefs.
When we make love the basis of our relationships how ever can we then become resentful, hostile or dismissive to one another when the intimacy level of the relationship changes.
I remember when I first met Serge in a little hall for a Heart Chakra workshop some 11 years ago. I saw his then girlfriend and his ex-wife sitting together at the signing in desk. The workshop was an absolute knockout and from that day on I knew I had found truth BUT I couldn’t take my eyes off the two women, there were a million thoughts going through my head of how can it be that they are friends! So I was looking for any kind of dis-ease or annoyance between them… there was none! Absolutely nothing, but a love and deep respect and real appreciation for each other. It blew me away. I came from seeing marriages fall disgracefully apart, threats made on each other’s lives to not leave, absolutely annihilating one another and wiping each other out of their lives and their children’s lives to this divine reflection of love and respect in relationships. I’m sure the reflection you and your ex partner Michael reflected to those around you would have on some level left them in awe of what they were witnessing. Thank you so much for sharing.
A great inspiration the Benhayon are and you have taken it to heart and put into practice – separating from an intimate relationship need not be accompanied by drama, tears and bucket loads of other emotions. The love is still there, after all – but things and circumstances have changed and that needs to be honoured and openly communicated.
Well said Gabriele both in that the Benhayons are truly inspiring in their relationships and in how Michael has embodied and lived the inspiration.
Tears allowed ? But yes, not emotion-fueled ones.
The model we have today whereby a break up or major argument warrants completely cutting someone out of your life is absurd. So many people can relate to there being someone who were once their best friend, then they may have dated, it didn’t go so well and ‘I haven’t spoken to that person in 10 years’. As you’ve shared Michael this such a destruction and reduction of how great that relationship could be going forward as a friendship – who actually set the rule that you have to hate your exes?
I agree Susie it is absurd to once love someone and then wipe them out of your life. The ugly cycle continues when we then go into our next relationship closed off from not ending the previous relationship with love.
If it’s Love that you share how could it ever be cut off or ended? Stages of intimacy may come to a close but nothing can alter the Love that you feel unless you choose to shut it down. That’s something we have complete say in. Thank you Michael.
Well said Joseph for it is completely a choice as to whether one stays connected to the love or not. It is the letting go of the expectations and pictures that we have built about the relationship that makes maintaining the love challenging.
Yes and from hurt people do and say things that cause separation. Often it is the picture that hurt, not the person. And love and pictures have nothing in common.
Agreed, Love is Love, and it is a choice of energy that is lived or not and it does not choose favourites or turn off.
Well said, Joseph. If we are harbouring hurts or blame there is no chance of staying open, but when love is in the equation anything is possible.
When we close our heart to someone, we close our heart for our own love and choose to stay in some hurt or other emotions.
Michael, I love how you make what unfolded with your girlfriend, so very normal even though you are certainly bucking the belief system that humanity is firmly entrenched in; the system that says when you break up that’s the end of it and the idea of still being friends being totally unacceptable. That’s the attitude I had with the ending of most of my relationships, but the fact that I am able to have lunch with my ex-husband, shows that my attitude has well and truly changed; in a much loving way.