When we send our children away to boarding school believing they will get a better education, what are we setting them up for? Can an education away from the parental home be truly supportive in developing us as fully rounded human beings? School is not the only part of our education – our living environment makes a difference too.
So, how was life at boarding school? I can remember the good bits and tend to forget the bad bits, but I do recall that I was terrified of the nun who looked after us, and even more terrified of the Mother Superior. I survived by being a ‘good girl,’ always looking for acknowledgement from the teachers and nuns that I was ‘OK.’
I was born overseas in Baghdad, Iraq, and when I was 6 years old, a few months before my 7th birthday, my parents sent me to a Catholic boarding school run by nuns in the UK. There were three of us, so I was not completely alone as I had my two sisters there, but when my own daughter was seven and we were enjoying lots of hugs together, it made me wonder what had I missed by spending so many of my younger years away from my parents.
Baghdad is 3,000 miles from London and in the 1950s that meant three plane hops, so we only travelled back home for the summer holidays. I only saw my parents for 8 weeks in each year until I was 12, when they returned to England to live. After that I lived at home and attended the same school as a day student until I left at 18.
I don’t think we were ever a particularly close family but there was a great ex-pat social life in Baghdad and my parents would attend loads of parties. During the day we spent most of our time at a club that had lawns, an outdoor restaurant, a climbing frame and three swimming pools. We had some fun times, but my mother was always chatting to her friends and we played with ours. Dad was at work.
Once we were all together in our house in England, we were still distant.
As a family we would eat together but I don’t remember them as particularly momentous occasions — the radio was usually on, and then we kids would wash up together then go outside and play with our neighbourhood friends. There were times when my parents would argue and my mother was always convinced she was right. My father would give up and go outside to smoke his pipe. I used to argue with my middle sister with whom I shared a room, so our life together was not particularly harmonious.
Moreover, my parents were not really huggy people, whereas I love hugs. When I first went to the boarding school I do remember the Italian maids, who were always up for a hug and, as I was one of the youngest and probably cute at that age, I had loads of attention from them. Despite that, and because of the lack of physical affection in my own family, I grew up feeling like an alien, distant from all humanity. I felt unlovable and instead of being open and friendly with everyone, I created a hard shell of mistrust and a spikiness that stopped anyone from feeling my true vulnerability, including me.
The combination of the separation from my parents, boarding school and the Catholic upbringing, left me with a few emotional scars, such as feeling unworthy, constantly guilty that I might be doing something wrong, needing to be good and wanting to do everything right.
At school we were encouraged to compare and compete, with everyone being streamed into class groups according to academic ability. In the senior school, we were also split up into four houses that competed in sports and we’d get house-points for good behaviour, so comparison and competition was encouraged in all aspects of my schooling.
The attitude of competition stayed with me as an adult: in sport playing squash, and with friends, comparing what jobs we were doing and how much we were earning. At work I would measure myself against more experienced colleagues and put myself down for not performing as well as them. Both comparison and competition leave me feeling very tired, so it is something I have recently been learning to observe and let go of.
Thanks to the many presentations of Serge Benhayon and healing sessions with Esoteric Practitioners trained by Universal Medicine, I am also learning to let go of the hard shell of protection that I developed in my body and to let people in. I am getting lots of hugs from fellow students, which is lovely, but I still find myself being distant at times, and I find it hard to express my love in words. If someone expresses their love and appreciation of me, I often find it hard to accept, not really believing it to be true.
I now know that it is important to appreciate who I truly am, to feel how tender I can be, moving gently, being calmer inside, connecting deeply with people, making good eye contact and speaking from my heart instead of my head. These days I don’t need so many acknowledgements from anyone outside of myself. I don’t need to try to be good or right because I can enjoy simply being me.
When families do not freely express their love for one another, it does not provide a great foundation for us in the future. My experience was compounded by being separated from everything I knew and sent to a Catholic boarding school. It gave me a good education, but I have realised that what value is mental intelligence and achievement when it stops us from truly loving ourselves and our fellow human beings, and from living in harmony with each other?
It is 60 years since that first day at boarding school and the scars are only now truly beginning to heal. It is not ‘time’ that has healed me, but deliberate healing through self-care, learning to nourish and nurture myself and to appreciate that I am so much more than my education.
What I bring is more than my brain’s intelligence and what I know; I bring a warmth, love, tenderness, and caring for all humanity that was never taught at school, or even in the Catholic Church.
Schools and religions often tend to pick up on our faults and try to make us ‘better’, so we grow up thinking we are not enough and ‘need to try harder’. Instead of that approach, I am now learning to appreciate the amazing woman I truly am and, as I let go of the hardness, I am appreciating the absolute fragility and delicateness that is my natural and true way of being.
It has been a long journey that has highlighted to me the importance of loving all our children in full right from the start, spending time with them, expressing our love and appreciation to them, and encouraging them to be loving and open without fear so that no matter where they are, they can enjoy being beautiful, tender, expressive beings.
If that loving service can be offered in every family, every school, every boarding school, and in every religion, then perhaps we as a humanity can be secure in the knowledge that our children will be fully ‘educated’.
Published with permission of my family.
By Carmel Reid, Ocean Shores, Australia
The true foundations of education – our future
Education, Schools & Teaching Our Kids: ‘Quality of Presence’ in the Classroom
The True Purpose of Education – One Size Fits All or Evolution?
Carmel brilliant blog, I’m sure you could write another blog on the brittleness of the ex- pat social life and how false it all is. It has always been fascinating to me that we don’t like people from other countries building their own communities here in the UK, but isn’t that what we (English) have done for years when we went out to other countries we had our own communities separate from the locals where we could go and it would feel familiar a home from home. The Middle East is full of ex-pat gated communities there are very few people that live with the locals.
So true Mary! My parents were ex-pat in the Middle East and in fairness didn’t join in as much with all the rounds of dinner parties etc., but neither did they become part of the local community! When I ventured out to meet local friends, it seemed strange and a little worrying to them that I was getting involved with foreigners! Heaven forbid, I might end up marrying one…well those white robes were very attractive to a cooped up western girl!
My brother and I were sent to boarding schools and both found it very difficult being away from our parents, seeing them mainly in the summer holidays, being farmed out to various relatives for other school breaks!
Brilliant article Carmel – opening up a can of worms! Despite my loathing of the boarding school system, I ended up having to send my children down the same route as my husband was in the Forces. Despite objecting to this, the situation at the time left me with no other option!
I can still feel sadness as I write this but am clearing some of those pockets of resistence as I express some of my experiences. Thanks Carmel!
In our case, Mary, we were mixed in, especially as my Dad worked in an Iraqi company and had a team of Iraqis working with him. But yes, there was still a bit of the ‘British Set’. In my late 20s I had a year in Libya where there were many gated ex pat communities, especially the oil companies, but we were living in an Arab quarter and shopped in the local shops, so we did get to mix a little with the locals.
This was something I was discussing with someone the other day – that for some children, school becomes the only place to learn the skills of life because of a difficult or unsupportive home environment – and yet the education system is already under pressure, and its one track focus on grades means that children often leave education and enter the world of being adult with very little in terms of a well-rounded upbringing. As you raised, there is so much more to being human that the level of intelligence we can reach and our measures of success often leave us very empty and/or dissatisfied. Beyond even just the practical aspects of life such as money management, getting a mortgage or how to pay tax which is not covered generally in education, we are not taught how to express ourselves truly, how to live who we are and not the expectations of others, how to have deep, meaningful and loving relationships, friendships and work connections. Without any of this as a foundation we learn to cope and to survive, but at what cost, and what behaviours do we take on to enable us keep going?
Yes indeed, Rebecca. Especially as young people nowadays often have more of a relationship with their phone than with other human beings, it is definitely essential for us to address this problem and build loving and respectful relationships as a foundational preparation for life.
Not only this but there is a trend, in Japan for example, to marry a virtual girlfriend. The population then declines and there are fewer people to care for the actual people who are still alive.
A virtual girl-friend? One that does not exist? How does that work? It feels truly sad if society feels it has to offer such a thing …
The part about not needing so much acknowledgement from others stood out to me in that I know I still do this, but nowhere close to how much my life was dominated by pleasing others like it used to. Being our true loving selves is not the popular stance in the world today but it has true sucess within our lives and to those around us.
Carmel, this is so tenderly written and there’s so much here I can comment on. I’ll start with what you have shared about the ‘good’ education that is void of love and warmth – an education therefore that is reduced to something very functional at best. This is not true education for our purpose in life is not to become functional output robots that can perform duties and roles and regurgitate knowledge to impress and all of that. We are here to express and be what you share in this blog – to be open with each other, to express from our hearts which has far more knowing than our minds can ever attain, and to not hold back our love and affection towards people.
When we connect to our love and nurture and nourish our children from this love that we have, a love that has no limits or end, we activate the child’s inner knowing. So they go to school with this knowing intact and education is something they receive to support them in life, but not to define them or indeed corrupt them. Then, a child is able to receive a true education one that encompasses all of life and not just the knowledge that will get them so called ‘success’ later on in life.
Katerina, I have seen a few children who are being brought up by what I call ‘fully aware’ parents – these children make eye contact with the adults around them, they are open, confident, and still do well at school. Some struggle a bit in their relationships with less open children, but at least they have full support at home.
And reading further, I love your words: ‘When we connect to our love and nurture and nourish our children from this love that we have, a love that has no limits or end, we activate the child’s inner knowing.’ This is true for all our interactions with people of all ages.
Love recognises love. Love is very very familiar to us all.
“It is not ‘time’ that has healed me, but deliberate healing through self-care, learning to nourish and nurture myself and to appreciate that I am so much more than my education.” Learning to heal our hurts through loving ourselves, self care and appreciation enables us to nurture and nourish our bodies and deflect the continual mind-talk that tells us we are not enough.
Yes, Sue, that self talk of not being enough is insidious and a complete lie.
“School is not the only part of our education – our living environment makes a difference too.” Yes – and if that environment is cold – physically – and emotionally cold, what does that set up young people for?
Awesome blog Carmel. What you are sharing is so important to be aware of. To me it is a fundamental human right that children are cherished no matter where they live, or with who and to be recognised for the gorgeousness that they are. Sadly your story is very common, but unlike most others you have now returned to a place of self worth and appreciation, which is incredibly inspiring. What you are sharing through your personal story is that it is possible to heal from an unloving start and that it is never too late to begin this process.
Thank you, Michelle, and I love what you write, that: ‘To me it is a fundamental human right that children are cherished no matter where they live, or with who and to be recognised for the gorgeousness that they are.’ to know that you, as a teacher carry that with you into the classroom and live that with your pupils as well as with your own family children, is in itself inspiring.
“Schools and religions often tend to pick up on our faults and try to make us ‘better’, so we grow up thinking we are not enough and ‘need to try harder’” Good point Carmel. As an ex-boarding schooler myself I have spent most of my life ‘trying’ and not feeling good enough, Competition was constant and there was no going home at the end of the day to find some relief from the constant pressure of having to perform. Discovering I was – and am – enough – through Universal Medicine presentations was like a pot of gold for me.
Accepting that we are enough is a challenge for many of us, well into our sixties!
Love this Carmel – 🙂
I’m not sure that we can ever truly ‘accept that we are enough’, it has to be something that is fundamentally known to us through our bodies and then there is no question, it’s just a given.
On second thoughts who is this ‘we’ that’s enough? When all we are is portals for energy then there is in truth no ‘we’ or ‘us’ to be enough. We’re either aligned to a consciousness that is everything or a consciousness that’s not and that’s basically it.
Beautiful Carmel, this is a piece of writing that will go down in history as one of the greats because it brings light to the fact that even the deepest hurts can be healed never to return or be repeated.
It is interesting, Shami to uncover deeper and deeper layers of reactions to current events that could well stem from the hurts of our past and good to know, as you say, they can be let go of and healed.
Yes I so agree 🙂 Awesome sharing and so heartfelt without blaming – love to read and most importantly the road to healing showing clearly that we can heal and that it is never too late.
Catholic boarding schools are a special type of Catholic schools. What I have noticed in my daily life that parents bringing the kids to Catholic schools have a particular way of moving. Seemingly, they totally entrust those in charge of the education of their kids. They are part of a bubble even outside the bubble. Their movement is ‘bubbly’. This way is fuelled by the total identification they have with the organization they totally trust in their lives. Such identification and such bubbly movement precludes them from being able to discern the energy of the schools they send their kids too and how much they have to bow to it every day. Fascinating to see the invisible game at play every single day.
It is a form of ‘brainwashing’ that the Catholic Church can have such a grip on people’s lives that they feel they can entrust their children to another’s care without discerning the energies at play.
Our whole education system is set up to pit us against one another and keep us separated. We’ve ended up with a society that prizes mental intelligence above all else – and in doing so, we’ve lost an enormous amount – not least, respect and decency towards one another.
Yes so it is Bryony – so we can be so grateful that we have the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to support us to connect within and return to who we truly are which will then reflect how we are with others.
Serge Benhayon introduces us to a whole new method of education – starting not with an ‘I know this and I’m going to teach you’ but with a ‘You already know this and this is how you can tune back into the wisdom you already hold inside each of you EQUALLY’. There is absolutely no cleverness, no one-upmanship, no exhibition of power and knowledge, just a simple sharing of techniques, a few presentations to inspire, and more than anything, absolute love and true support for each and every one of us equally.
Beautiful sharing Carmel, and very needed. Very important to expose the illusion of boarding schools. That they leave emotional scars in the boys and girls who attend. School tends to do that anyway, but if children than also get taken from their families, there is no loving foundation or a home to return to after school. That is what a true family should and could provide.
Not always is it like this, as I found out from a few dear friends that fully enjoyed their boarding school years, as life in the family was anything but loving and harmonious….
I can fully relate to being brought up in a functional family that provided all the required items… but love and affection. Which left me unprepared for loving relationships that were a bit alien to me. I carried on my family model, I had been taught through my first three marriages, this alone speaks volumes! With age, wisdom should follow, if you are willing to choose to change! I have found it is never too late to embrace the amazingness that resides in us all and it starts with our children.
What you show Carmel from your experiences that mixing religion (especially the harshness of the Catholic Church) and the education system together, and being sent to live away from your home life at such a young age, creates an un-loving environment and is a breeding ground for insecurity, lack of self worth and the need to compete and compare with our piers and siblings..
Exactly, it can be a breeding ground for dysfunctional adults.
Exactly – as can be seen by some of our politicians in the UK – many of who went to public school.
This is so true. In my family my grandmother’s parents lived and worked on Java. And my grandmother (long passed on now), was sent away at the age of 3 to go to school/preschool etc to the mainland somewhere. Interestingly to observe, that my mother, who grew up during the 2nd WW, was also put on a train amidst the bombing of our home town, with a name label round the neck to be transported out of the city to somewhere in the country, while her mother (my grandmother) had to stay behind and help as she was a Red Cross Nurse too. I myself was also sent away at the young age of 3 or 4 for long periods of time, and so the dysfunction in building relationships based on love and trust was passed down the generations. I am not saying this with judgement, just to show how it all repeats. One consequence for me due to this was that when I had children, I was not even able to get a babysitter for them, for me I had to be there all of the time so they would not ever feel abandoned.
That toxic combination is an absolute avalanche of forces all wielded under the disguise of institutions that are designed to bring about positivity but in truth bring nothing but harm. Sure some people will argue this and pick out the so called ‘good bits’ but just to be clear the concept of ‘good and bad’ isn’t true, so that in itself is an indication that it comes from a consciousness that’s rotten.
Carmel, thank you for sharing this, ‘what value is mental intelligence and achievement when it stops us from truly loving ourselves and our fellow human beings, and from living in harmony with each other?’ I can feel how there could be so much more to education than is currently taught in schools, that what is being taught is only a part of what a true education could be, what is missing is life skills, self-care, love, how to relate and communicate with each other, knowing who we are and what we bring, education at the moment does not feel rounded and as a result we come out not knowing who we are and often lacking in true confidence.
I can’t imagine what it must have been like Carmel to be sent away at such a young age just when you are getting to know who you are and who you might be.
This quote came from another blog read this morning: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all” Aristotle.
Love that quote – thank you Kehinde for sharing it here.
I watched a TV news interview with a man who publicly and for the first time revealed he was sexually abused as a child for years at an English boarding school by one teacher. Like you Carmel, separated (aged 9) from his parents and plucked from an environment he knew and loved (Kenya) he was sent thousands of miles away to an alien environment and completely alone. What stood out for me was the child’s inability to tell anyone what was happening to him. For sixty years he kept the abuse he suffered secret and only now found the courage to publicly disclose what happened The tendency, when parents select boarding schools, is to ask the wrong questions: exam results, sports, technology and extra-curricula activities. How many ask direct questions related to the emotional well-being of the child. How many ask, for example, will my child be loved, safe, supported, and nurtured. Or if even, can you guarantee our child will not be beaten, abused, isolated, bullied, made to feel small. To ask these questions would bring the import of what they’re doing closer to home. Parents too readily, leave their most precious beings to complete strangers and assume all will be well. Rarely do they ask questions related to how their child will be treated. We could ask ourselves, where are the parents, not just physically but within themselves that this is considered to be an acceptable way to treat children.
Of course, in Catholic circles it is assumed that the adults you are placing your child in the care of are responsible and totally trustworthy, It is only in our current time that the extent of the paedophilia within the Catholic Church itself is becoming known.
Kehinde, what a tragic case and I am sure far from isolated. I would question why anyone would send their child away to boarding school, it doesn’t feel right to abandon a child to an unfamiliar environment. Do any children do well from being away from their parents and in such a place. How rare i would expect it is that a child would receive warm loving care, particularly in an educational system that is all about being the best at recalling information and excelling at competition, and amongst other similarly lost and abandoned children cruelty can never be far away.
Great blog Carmel. It is really important to have love as our foundation of seeing life and even though we might not all get this in the family we grow up in, because they did not get it in the family they grew up in, it is never too late to start to make love our foundation ourselves so we can share this in the future with others too.
Carmel I didn’t go to boarding school but in many other respects, despite living at home and receiving (as far as I can recall) lots of hugs from my mum, there are many similarities in our upbringings, in terms of the general demographics of our social, school and home environments. Even without the boarding school element none of this is conducive to supporting children to be who they truly are – rather it all feels geared to creating ‘good’ or ‘righteous’ and ultimately ‘productive’ and compliant members of society. What happened to being honoured for who we are first and foremost? A truly well-rounded education that acknowledges our soulful and multi-dimensional natures from home onwards is what’s required.
‘A truly well-rounded education that acknowledges our soulful and multi-dimensional natures from home onwards is what’s required.’ I agree
Hear hear – that says it all, nothing to add.
I too went to a catholic school and due to not being seen for the loving, delicate young girl I was, I turned into the obnoxious brat that they were treating me as. I grew up believing I was a brat until I realized that I was actually the opposite, that I was loving, caring, delicate and extremely responsible. This change came about with the support of Serge Benhayon who met me for the qualities that I am innately and then, with this reflection I could claim back the real me.
And such a beautiful being the real you is, Mary-Louise – you are definitely one of my role models for tenderness and fragility and honesty without guilt.
It’s interesting how we come to believe as kids that we are what people treat us as. Such a great reminder that every single human being needs to be treated with respect, love and decency as a bottom line.
The beautiful you that you are today shows that change is always possible, It is hard to believe that you were the ‘brat’ you mention. Underneath that hard exterior was the warm loving caring woman I know you to be today. And a beautiful role model for everyone you meet.
Feels like living proof that anyone can change and that being presented with love has the capacity to change even the most extreme behaviour. No one is a lost cause and it makes me reflect how similar boarding school and the prison system are in creating a type of behaviour that does not represent the being. We all need love to blossom, it is near impossible without experiencing it.
Dear Carmel, so important to expose boarding school education for what it really is and describe the harm it inflicts on children. At last we’re beginning to understand that a ‘good education’ has nothing to do with brain intelligence but with the emotional well-being of the child: Do they know who they are, feel loved, worthy, secure with themselves and others. If not what is the point. It’s as if parents ignore the whole person and focus solely on end results. qualifications, career and earning potential.
Yes level of qualifications becomes the be-all and the qualities of the individual only matter if they are hard-working and intelligent. The warmth, caring, love-ability gets lost. A lot of schools now get funding based on results and the results are based on tests passed.
Hear Hear Kehinde -parents and significant others always being ‘result orientated’ does not make any child feel truly met for the amazing-ness that they are.
That is very true, and we may choose to remember that the same happened for generations now and this being passed down to the next generation therefore continuing this ill thought cycle. High time to make a difference, as we can see across the globe what is happening to the kids and society at large. Best to start in ones own house 😉
Thank Carmel for such an open and honest sharing. I, too, was at boarding school and reading this has brought up a huge mixture of feelings and emotions that I need space to unravel them.
I imagine it was far worse for boys who were not allowed to be a wuss and cry – I must admit I got very good at crying very quietly so no-one could hear me and as an adult I was very reluctant to let anyone see me cry, except perhaps in a therapy session, where it was actively encouraged.
There was a TV documentary called “The Making of Them” which followed young boys into their first term at boarding school. The toughening up process began very early. The ‘boys don’t cry’ lesson becomes ingrained as so many men believe it is a sign of weakness to weep. I too used to go off on my own to cry in the woods or in the cloaks cupboard when at boarding school and for years found it difficult to cry when people were around.
So true Carmel. true education is in learning to hug and to know who you are rather than stuffing your brain with facts and learning to be ‘good’ out of fear.
Learning to be good out of fear – yes at our school you were either good or you rebelled and were expelled…
Yep – fear-based learning brings nothing to humanity at all. It creates just more fear and perpetuates itself.
It seems Carmel, that you were 6, such a tender age to be off to Boarding School. You mention that within the school”…..you were either good or rebelled and were expelled…..”. Not much has changed it would seem, where it has reported in today’s Gold Coast Bulletin that more than 1,000 little prep. children of 4 and 5 years of age were suspended from schools in Queensland in 2016 for apparently being ‘ill-prepared for school’ – and behaving in a way that was not appropriate or acceptable. One has to wonder at the loving relationships within the families and the hugs that were either there or not so to have supposedly resulted in so many ‘rebellious’ tots. One can’t help but feel the hurt in these little children. Interesting they they used the term ‘socialised’ – or not so, as being the cause for such acting up behaviour. I recall many years ago our dog had to be ‘socialised’ before it was allowed to play with other puppies in the dog park – interesting analogy.
Love this Mary! Its so true. It does seem crazy that so amny people grow up being ‘very intelligent’ butdont actually know how to communicate with another when it comes to having a simple loving hug. Its what we all crave for and what has been so lacking in our society today.
Thank you Carmel Reid for writing such a real blog about real life. Having been raised as a Catholic and attending a Catholic school from the tender age of 5 through to adult life I was constantly fed the feeling of never being enough or that there always was a feeling of needing to be accepted which played havoc on my self worth. The teaching of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine blew the lid on this many years ago and I am now aware of the responsibility of discerning each moment and knowing that the past was a lesson and that the future is where there is more to learn.
And we can be living the future now as we show the world how we can overcome our hurts and love all the children in our care.
Love this Natallija – “… I am now aware of the responsibility of discerning each moment and knowing that the past was a lesson and that the future is where there is more to learn.” Once we get this life can and does change if we so choose to.
I feel it would have been quite tough at such a young age to be sent to boarding school; no wonder you toughened up. And how amazing that you now get the opportunity to heal those hurts and nurture your delicate- and tenderness.
I feel that too – very tough indeed. I my family, this was used as a threat to me if I didn’t conform etc. And as I had already been sent away to live with strangers for quite some time at a very early age, for extended long periods of time with next to no visits from my parents, the threat to be sent away to boarding school worked every time.
I agree Carmel the education that a child needs is more than what looks good on paper. Learning to be trusting, open and intimate with others cannot come from academia it comes from having role models around us reflecting this. It comes from warm and loving gestures such as the hug so that the tenderness and love that we need to show ourselves can be first seen and felt in another, no matter what their age, to remind us that this is our true nature. This shows us the great responsibility we have to love ourselves in a way that we can be a true role model to others.
Beautifully said, Kathleen, yes, we have role models and I am one of the fortunate ones, like you, to be living in a time and a place where such role models are available to us.
I also feel very blessed that this is the case and the more we can live what is being lived in expression for us to observe and behold, the more others can choose to have a look and maybe start on their journey too to self-love and therefor much easier loving others too.
‘It is not ‘time’ that has healed me, but deliberate healing through self-care, learning to nourish and nurture myself and to appreciate that I am so much more than my education.’
There’s something very important about this comment – well there’s a few things – but what I’m referring to is it’s debunking of the belief that ‘time heals all wounds’. What we really mean by this is that time creates the illusion of safety and distance from our hurts. The truth is they are still there, secretly influencing our behaviours. The recipe Carmel provides is the key to truly moving on.
I loved this first sentence as well Victoria Lister. The notion that time heals is playing into burying what has happened as it is not as raw and current in the frame of time- yet from my experiences and those of others the wounds and hurts can resurface within minutes when we choose not to self-care and heal from within.
I so agree with you both . The notion that ‘time heals’ – are mere words. The fact that deep hurts can be buried only to reemerge at a later date when it is safe to feel them, deal with them and heal them gives the lie to this statement.
Me too Natallija and Victoria, it is such a myth and needs to be busted – Mythbusters roll on 🙂
This is true responsibility. To heal our hurts and not be at the mercy of hoping time will make something feel better.
I so agree with the following – that what we really mean by the belief that ‘time heals all wounds’ is that time creates the illusion of safety and distance from our hurts. I also feel it shows that in that space and passage of time, most of us will do anything and everything to bury it deep into ourselves – so deeply that we are no longer conscious of it and it no longer ‘hurts’ because we have so numbed ourselves to any awareness of those feelings.
Along with many others, I will be ever-grateful that my ‘tuning into my self awareness’ has been supported by Serge Benhayon and other practitioners of Universal Medicine. I have become more aware of how I have allowed occurrences in the past to ‘mis-shape’ the person I became and have been gradually freeing myself from them and their constrictive influence on me.
We as adults are custodians of love and what is produced in this world. If we have more and more young ones doing drugs, having sex, numbing out with computer games, tattoos have increased, cyber bullying, checking out with entertainment through media especially the internet, and violence then what are we producing for future generations?
It is vitally important to reignite our awareness that we return back into the same cycle. None of us can escape that fact no matter how ignorant we choose to be. It is therefore vitally important to heal.
The modalities of Universal Medicine have supported me immensely to truly change miraculously age-old behaviours that I was stuck in.
We are required to shift the energy of the past to adopt the future of love in our generations. “It is not ‘time’ that has healed me, but deliberate healing through self-care, learning to nourish and nurture myself and to appreciate that I am so much more than my education.”
Carmel, thank you for the honesty in this blog. And to add that I deeply appreciate the woman you are – it has been (and it will continue to be so) an absolute joy to see the huge changes you have brought to your life over the past few years that I have known you, by making different choices to heal yourself. You are so different now – warm, open and gorgeous.
Thank you and yes, I have many friends who are making a similar journey within and the way their outer shines with that inner beauty is awesome.
Insightful documentation of the quality of schooling for you [and many, many others too] Carmel, and your line here – “but I have realised that what value is mental intelligence and achievement when it stops us from truly loving ourselves and our fellow human beings, and from living in harmony with each other?” – when schooling is focused on the former, we have disaster at work/in the workplace with disruption, unease, conflict, self-interest, cliques, competitiveness that destabilise trust and confidence. Not so educative, no matter the great school/institution’s name or reputation.
This is true, Zofia, the long term effects of our education system reverberate throughout industry and will continue to do so for years to come.
That is so true Carmel. The ripple effect of the education system and the effect it has on people and their ways of relating can continue for the rest of their lives unless true healing is sought.
Yes Vicky and Carmel. Our education basically has so much influence on us and ‘how we should be in the world’, it has probably more than we can fathom to account for in terms of how so many of us, if not all, have been moulded by it.
I know some people who have never been to school, were home schooled and who make great parents because they are close to their children.
Schools and religions often tend to pick up on our faults and try to make us ‘better’, so we grow up thinking we are not enough and ‘need to try harder’. Isn’t that the truth, and you share your story so very beautifully Carmel, giving us an insight of what it was like to live away from family at a most crucial time of your life when young and needing the support and love from family. So great that you have been able to move through that time of your life and come away with a true understanding of yourself and how you make a difference in the world.
Hugs are a simple gesture that can be so confirming of another human being, regardless of their age.
So true, I have never seen a hug depending on age – everyone benefits, young and old, male and female. Yet on a discussion with my parents and extended family, it came to light that they can not remember hugging after they finished being kids. And it is astounding that when I visit my aunt and uncle, to whom I feel quite close, they came with extended hands to greet me. I just laugh these days and move right in for the hug and their smiles show the joy then, as for them it does not feel natural to initiate an embrace…
It is interesting how some cultures are very open to hugging or kissing the cheeks yet others it’s quite distant, with the hand shake or the hug where you hardly touch.
I sometimes surprise a tradesman by giving him a hug – not often though. It’s a bit like signing letters – I love to use ‘with love’ but for business letters it’s ‘with warm regards’
Thank you for this great blog Carmel – a beautiful story of how you exited from a world of disconnection into the warm realm of love. What you describe is totally relevant to every adult and child, whether they went to boarding school or not. It is the love and connection in relationships that matters primarily before the accumulation of ‘knowledge’ – often very necessary knowledge to facilitate us with the practicality of living life on earth. The Education system as it stands is loveless even though there are many loving teachers out there working – and it is these teachers who bring the true gold.
Yes, indeed, having supported a friend in her primary school, I have witnessed the conflict between offering true love to the children in terms of support, confidence and nurturing against the need to ‘perform’ for statistics. And there’s the religious influence: At my old school, when I visited recently, the head teacher was doing her best to build the girls up, whilst the Priest at mass was invoking the words ‘Lord, i am not worthy’
And Carmels story and choice to exit a loveless world of disconnection to be with love just goes to show that age or experience does not need to hold us back from feeling the all we are and love we’re from.
Recently I’ve been getting how much we tend to ‘normalise’, to change our behaviour to fit in with those close to us. It’s heavy influence makes us crush the natural, beautiful way we actually want to express. Living our lives this way is literally like living ‘boarded up’ every day. We can be close to others physically, as you show Carmel, but even then still cut off in the most serious way. So here’s to everyone like you who is opening up and returning to that natural warmth we all have inside. A big hug to you from me 🙂
Thanks for the hug, Joseph, it is interesting that, as paedophilia is reported more and more in establishments so teachers, shop assistants and anyone working with or near children are not allowed to touch them in any way – so children are missing out on hugs from the adults around them – I find that very sad.
Carmel it’s clear that the abuse from a growing number of people affects everyone, not just those that are directly abused. The result is that we all miss the open and loving connections that could be there.
Beautiful expression Joseph and a big hug from me too dear Carmel…
Joseph, I never thought of the word ‘boarded up’ before and how it is similar to boarding school. Literally children are being sent to institution to be squashed in to a way of acting. It is of course all part of education but it feels like the sharpest end of a horrible stick. Of course we don’t need to be sent away to be squashed, it happens in education around the world, so as you say here’s to being open and expressing and sharing ourselves as we really were naturally meant to be.
‘squashed in to a way of acting’ and that what’s we do for the rest of our lives – we act as if everything is ok when it’s clearly not. Until we come across a true philosopher like Serge Benhayon who clearly exposes the illusion we have been living under, that all is truly not well, but that we can heal ourselves when we let go of the angst, the trauma, and all the issues that we have created in order to maintain the illusion that we set up in the first place.
To take the ‘boarded up’ analogy further, we also have Boards of Education as well . . .
The ingrained and falsely celebrated reality that competition is healthy has brought us as a humanity to the point where competition and separation are lived and believed to be normal and healthy. Is this really so when the only thing we all want inside is to be loved for the beautiful, tender, caring person that resides inside of us deeply under our own layers of hardness and protection that we have made real for ourselves to fit into the way the world is.
There are many lies that we are fed and most of them lead to ill-health in some form
Thank you Carmel for these deeply healing words that helps us to see we are not who we are shaped to be by the environment we are brought up in and that our real job in life is to peel back these layers so that our true self can reflect to others the truth of who we are. No matter how hard our shell, or spikey our spines, we are each a beauteous ball of loveliness and light on the inside, no different to the day we were born.
Yes, I agree, Liane, which means that no-one is marred for life by their early education – given an opportunity and the inspiration, we can all choose to rise above how we were brought up and open up ourselves and our families to true love.
This is very powerful to appreciate and very important to express. So many people have given up on changing their lives or healing their hurts because they think they are too old, or too set in their ways or, simply, because “that is how it has always been”. This blog is essential in that regard in that it shows us all, no matter what age we are or no matter how long ago something happened, we all still have the choice and ability to let anything go and free ourselves back to the divinity that we are and have always been.
I have discovered for myself that you are never too old to find love – the more I began to accept and appreciate me for being me, the more open I was to others and I have now entered into a brand new partnership that feels amazing, I feel like a teenager in love for the first time, and I’m 66!
Beautifully said Lianne. At the end of the day we are all divine on the inside and when we can accept this about ourselves we can begin to accept it about other people, no matter what our life circmstances have been or our relationships have been with others have been in the past.
Yes the ingredients that is shared here is the key to how we can heal our own hurts. Knowing that we are all equal and that within resides a knowing that we all come from the same source.
Could what Carmel has shared here be the beginnings of true education?
I have attended many courses that look at and bring healing to childhood issues. I have heard hundreds to stories from people of all walks of life, ages, nationalities etc and would consider most of them to be horror stories. Whether it be the most atrocious sexual abuse or simply being ignored it seems everyone carries the scars of not being met, loved and appreciated for who they truly are.
Of course this gets perpetuated from one generation to another. If we are not in connection to our essence and do not fully appreciate or love ourselves we do not have that to offer another and so it continues. Through the teachings and love of Serge Benhayon, I have broken that cycle within myself as have countless others. There is another way and we can make life about love if we so choose.
I agree, Nicola, making life about love is so much more important than any academic achievement – those qualifications are merely an access point for us to set up careers where we can bring that same love into everything we do.
All back to choice – and we can choose any second of the day, all of the time, anew.
It just goes to show how much a child who comes to life with a fresh innocent start each time round (each new life) can be hugely affected by what existed in those around them. And then they have the choice to be in the same way or choose differently. I distinctly remembering as a child as young as 8 the people who were here to teach me what not to do.
That is the joy of the work that is offered from the teachings and love of Serge Benhayon. An opportunity to let go of these hurts and carry no judgement or blame is an incredible leap in our current world and simply getting on with living what we all must offer.
I agree, Natallija, through Serge Benhayon we have been given such a beautiful opportunity to let go of our hurts so that we don’t have to live our lives as victims of circumstance but can take responsibility for everything that happens as a result of our own choices about how to live.
And not carry the blame and hurt that many ideals and beliefs systems use to trap us in this way of living.
I found that my relationship with my sibling was a surprising reflection of the relationship my parents had. When one parent moved out my relationship with my sibling was suddenly much better.
That’s interesting Christoph. It’s interesting how we can mimic the reflection we are given be it a poor one or a true one. Yet when that reflection is not there we are just left with what we choose. To be in certain patterns or to just be ourselves.
I found the opposite, Christoph, I was extremely close, and still am, to my only sibling, which was the opposite of the relationship modeled by our parents.
This shows me the impact of the hurts, jealousy and other emotions that can play out and repeat in a family unit or a group.