I had always hoped I would have children one day. As I got older and was approaching my mid-thirties I had started to give up on the idea that it would happen and felt quite sad about it. I had always been very much caught up in the ideal or need of having children and there was a big void in my life, something missing that I felt perhaps children could fill up or distract me from.
I can hardly credit it now but I had some very different ideas back then about what having a baby meant:
• That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.
Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it. There was a big part of me that felt empty and needy which I had not fully admitted to myself before.
I now knew that having children was not going to make this go away.
I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me. In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.
What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?
To get to this point however, I had to get to a level of self-acceptance first and a deep appreciation for my own unique loving expression. I knew I couldn’t really offer a foundation of love to a child when my body was still rigid with deeply held hurts, resentments, sadness and emptiness.
I have now healed many of the hurts that have kept me locked within the self-perception of feeling less or not good enough which caused the emptiness I had felt and had left me feeling in constant tension. I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn. I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.
As my children have grown, now aged 5 and 7, I have noticed a huge shift within myself as I have become more committed to me and to life. I certainly do not see my children in any capacity of having to serve out any of my needs or to confirm me in any way. This is something I am committed to owning – to honestly feel what is going on for me and to work out where the gaps in love are for myself and where my negative choices have the potential to keep playing out.
This huge shift has come about with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. With my increasing awareness of what the different tensions in my body have been/are about, and a deep inner knowing that how I was living my life was far from the potential of the love that is within me that is natural to express, I have learnt to sift through my un-communicated feelings, articulate them and am letting them go – one by one.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.
So now I have seen that having children is a great opportunity to:
• Know when to step in and take a step back,
• Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,
• Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,
• Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,
• Hold them more deeply in love and just observe – in this space they see for themselves whether the choices they make are loving or not,
• Hand trust in themselves back to them so they are not needy of anything from outside,
• Support them to understand what they need to work on and/or let go of, to be the greater love that they naturally are,
• Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.
Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.
I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.
I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.
After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.
As a responsible parent I continue to let go of any investment in this particular outcome, freeing up more space for more observation and more love and support – truly getting out of the way and allowing them the freedom to evolve at their own pace.
By Michelle McWaters
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Motherhood & Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love
1,077 Comments
Gorgeous Michelle. Knowing both of your children, I can say that I am inspired by their confidence in themselves, and their sensitivity of feeling when things aren’t right and expressing it so. I love what you have shared about letting go of the attachments and emotional needs of being a parent, and how you have discovered that children need nothing more than a loving role model and supportive guidance when growing up.
Yep, music to my ears – I wish that I had that kind of parenting growing up this lifetime.
I feel the same Marika – and yet we chose this too…
This is great what you have shared that no other person can fill a void or emptiness we have; this is for us to heal and then we can fully be ourselves with others.
So it is, first heal our selves within and connect to who we truly are, and then we can bring that fullness to others, be it our children, other children or people, doesn’t really matter as we can bring it to all equally so in the knowing that that is who they are in truth too.
A blog I would suggest every parent or parent to be should read. To give children this solid foundation of love to support them to evolve, at the same time it is never a one way street, like you share with us Michelle ‘I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.’ Every relationship is there to evolve each other, we are all equal.
I agree Annelies, when we are open we can learn so much from our children. Mine continue to amaze me with their wisdom.
That is no mere trifling statement Annelies, that ‘we are all equal’. Do we truly see our children in this light? That they are equal and the same in the truth of their essence, as ourselves? That they carry their own wisdom, many, many lifetimes of experience, and are expertly savvy about human life? Let alone, that as children, we feel everything – nothing is truly hidden that goes on in a household…
If I reflect back upon the hurts I felt as a child, so many of which have today healed through my own dedication and with the phenomenal teachings, sessions and support of Universal Medicine, what hurt the most was not being held and treated or valued as an equal.
The child who is truly held in this way has the greatest foundation for life possible.
Victoria, I can so relate to what you are sharing. What crippled me most as a child was not being valued as an equal member of society or an equal member of my family – that because I was a child I was less and didn’t have anything much to offer. I knew myself and I knew my heart and I knew my wisdom. Allowing myself to be crushed capped all of this and filled me instead with self doubt and then self loathing. I was only last night thinking of how as a school girl at an all girls’ school, the prevailing consciousness within the institution was that we were “silly little girls”. It is not surprising to note that many of the girls did seem to behave this way, but if we are going to label children in this way are they not simply going to conform to these expectations? Where is the platform or foundation that asks them to be themselves in full and to recognise their innate wisdom of having lived life many times over? If we give children the responsibility to make their choices and learn the consequences without judgment but hold them in the love that we are and know that they are, they will rise up to it again, and again, and again. Have you ever given an older child the responsibility of taking care of a much younger one, but in a way that says you have so much to offer and so much to share? Watch them blossom and expand as they rise up to who they are and share that innate love.
Indeed Victoria a child held in this way is equipped for life, they know that they are love and do not need to meet the needs of others just be themselves.
It is so cool to read this take on parenting Michelle. As I read through your list of ideas about why you wanted children in the past I could feel that the ones that related to being accepted within society still have some hold on me. Having children to fit in seems about as unloving as it gets to me so it is great to be able to spot this and see it for the lie it is. Your blog shows how joyful life can be when we choose true relationships with everyone, including our children.
Choosing true relationships does require honesty, commitment and the will to want truth. It is a completely different way of being with people – children and adults alike – without the burden and complications of expectations and neediness. It is great to be aware of when these old ways of being in relationships present themselves and I am offered the opportunity to change – whether renewing existing relationships or entering new ones.
How many of us want a child because we feel it will fill the emptiness, give us something back, or give us recognition in some way? In some countries there is the investment for having them to support us in our old age. As you say a child can feel the burden placed on them this way. What you share Michelle in terms of allowing your children to be themselves with little need, or imposition from you is something amazing to share.
Yes Rachel allowing children to be their true selves sets a blue print for a life filled with love, responsibility and joy. You do not need to spend very long with Michelle’s children to feel the steadiness and love they naturally emanate.
I hear that alot Rachel. The idea that having children is an assurance you will have someone to look after you in your old age.
Welcoming a child into the world as a celebration of love and all that they bring, allows them the freedom to be just that.
Yes, it is such an imposition. I would imagine that expectations when a baby is born is more normal than no expectations and yet, when you meet your bundle of joy, you wouldn’t want anything to be a burden to them. The delicateness of a baby is palpable. It is so important to have this conversation so we can take off the invisible but very heavy layers that are not ours or our children’s.
Great blog Michelle, personally I did put pressure on myself in my thirties to get a partner and have children so whenever a relationship would not work then I would completely fall apart! There was also a huge expectation from my parents to have children like my sisters did.
Wow, Michelle, this line really sums up our responsibility as parents – “to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it” – and is so different to the ideals and beliefs I know I entered into parenting with. Thank you for sharing your learning process.
Yes Janet , a beautiful revelation of our true responsibility as parents – to be ourselves in full and hold no ideals or pictures, just the love for the gorgeous beings that they truly are.
A beautifully inspiring declaration of the true purpose of parenting. Thank you Michelle.
I wonder how many have gone into parenting with the same ideas as you Michelle only to realise that the children they conceive are not able to fill the need and the emptiness they are feeling. There are so many deep ideals and expectations around having children that make it difficult to come to parenting without carrying some of these beliefs. I love your understanding of why you have children now, and many of what you write here apply to life and relationships in general, allowing the space for people to be themselves without attachments or needs is a huge .
What is a shame is that many children do end up choosing pathways to please their parents, totally negating what they truly felt to do. It happens a lot with choice of study or profession. I hear so many adults talk about forgoing their passion to become something their parents wanted.
Yes I relate to that too – I always wanted to become a physiotherapist when I was a young teenager, and I actually made it to the entry exams etc, but was too young to start on the day the 3 year course started. So it was decided for me to become a Kindergarten Teacher. It was never my thing, and I lasted 1 year in my job after a 3 year course…. Having said that though – there are no coincidences – so when I look back now, I see the possibility that had I become a physiotherapist, I may not have engaged in healing through body & energy work which I discovered 16 years later…
This is huge and is so deeply embedded in so many cultures. The idea being in many that the child has to confirm with expectations of how things are done and are not allowed to go their own way, study their own way or marry their own way. As offspring we make huge compromises to get the recognition we want from our families or society, but it is a big price to pay as we end up feeling miserable and disempowered, bitter and angry.
As I read this blog I was wishing that I had had some of your wisdom when my children were growing up. I loved them very dearly but I was rarely there for them, believing instead that my role was that of breadwinner. I can feel now that if I had been able to love and appreciate myself more I would have been a very different parent for them.
I feel Doug that no matter how old our children get we can still offer that parenting to them simply by being the love that we are. The wisdom and support that can come out of this can not be underestimated – it isn’t over just because they have become adults.. I do feel grateful that I met Serge Benhayon before I had my oldest child and had started working on myself when he was born, but I have had to still work through a lot as they have grown. It has never been perfect and I have been learning as I go. I do know however that the more I evolve within myself the more this is felt by them and truly appreciated from the bottom of their hearts.
I so relate to what you share here in reply to Doug’s comment Michelle – It is never too late, and and by reflecting and offering them the love that we are steadily and continuously, and holding them in that equally so, evolution is still possible even though we may not see it or feel it at first.
“I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me.” Such an important point Michelle, as so many of us have spent our lives wanting others to fill us up, rather than doing this for ourselves. Then we can have true relationships- not based on need.
And here is that word again ‘need’ -boy does it make life hard for us… So glad that ‘need’ and ‘neediness’ are so very very much less present in my life these days, thanks to the tremendous work I have been able to do on my self with the deeply loving support of Serge Benhayon and all that Universal Medicine presents to us.
Thank you Michelle for sharing your journey, I am sure many of us had the same views and ideals of what parenting should be and not truly understand the meaning of true parenting. Like you say parenting is about “knowing that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it.”
I agree Amita, not having been brought up in the way Michelle now shares with us, we had a different ‘role model’ as to how things ought to be done. Thanks to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and blogs like Michelle’s we can start to re-imprint our selves with a different knowing and understanding, and by connecting deeply to the loving beings we are, we then can truly -“offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it.”
Michelle this is such an important blog and sharing for all parents and children bringing a true understanding to parenting and the loving purpose it can be. It feels beautiful and true to read where you are with your children and the love they are held in and you are too. Healing and clearing of your own stuff and having a true foundation for yourself can be brought to all children thus treasured and nurtured for the love they are naturally and amazingly. This is urgently needed in todays society with this responsibility that is lacking and unknown by so many. Thank you for sharing this. I also love how you share it is a two way learning and evolving relationship for you all.
So many women have a belief that they are not complete with out a child, many have children not from choice but because they are controlled by this belief. Blogs like yours Michelle are so needed to lift the lid on this societal pressure that many women fall for. Often if you are over a certain age and you have not had a child people ask you what is wrong or when are you having one and cannot conceive that you may not choose to have children in this life.
This is a great sharing Mary-Louise. As women the belief games start from a very early age and the judgement with having or not having children comes over time. Michelle has lifted the lid on such a much needed topic of discussion.
It’s interesting for a woman, when meeting other women for the first time, “Do you have children?” is often the first or second question asked. It throws some when you say “no, I don’t, because it is something that a lot of women share. But it also means that we are not meeting each other for who we are, but based on our achievements and what we have in common. It is important for all women to know that we are women first and foremost and this never changes, whether we have children or not.
Yes Mary Louse , this is a mind set that needs to be broken as it is not true, separative and serves no-one.
This is so true Mary-Louise, I know of quite a few women who feel less because they were not ‘blessed’ by having a child. It is sad to hear them talk, how they feel less than others, how envy comes into play, how there is no true love for themselves at all and how difficult it is for them to accept the fact that no child will come in this lifetime. The length some of these women have gone to to conceive and bear a child (unsuccessfully) and the level of comparison to others who were ‘successful and did get children, is truly astounding, and in fact immensely sad to witness.
To have blogs like this for the younger women is also amazing. In advance there are women sharing that these pressures exist in the background as we grow up we know they are there. To have this life experience shared so openly is cool because it shows that there is nothing wrong if you do or don’t end up having children and that having kids is not just about ticking a socially accepted box.
Wow Michelle. It’s like two completely opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to how parenting has been made to be (controlling and keeping the child as a child and somehow smaller so that we are needed – just typing that I could feel how yucky and sticky that is!). And the other being that they are a human being no different to those who are parenting them and no one is less, it was beautiful to read about true parenting and I have felt that this quality of love is not bound to parent/child but can be for ourselves and all others equally so.
It has been so accurately written here about those first intentions of having a child, how they can be at times really just about furthering oneself in many different ways. When the reality of parenting kicks in however, it can be a bit of a shock and I have found that it is at this point that we have a choice – to stay in the self motivated agenda, or to step in to the seemingly unknown and discover the depths of where parenting can go to. I say ‘seemingly’, because we do all actually know how to be loving parents, but maybe are just a bit unconfident or out of practise with it. This, I have found changes with time and dedication to living lovingly not only with ourselves but with everyone – including people outside of the family home.
Michelle, reading this bought tears to my eyes, what you share is so beautiful. As a a parent of a young child I can very much relate to what you have written, this in particular stands out for me, ‘Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,’ I have learnt over the past 5 years that my son has been born that if my son ‘loses it’ then if i react we are both lost and the emotions escalate and this does not support either of us, but if I stay steady then this supports him to come back to himself, I find it amazing sometimes how i can be so steady and calm in this situation and be able to not react to this behaviour, it feels very supportive and loving for both of us to be able to do this, it feels like it’s saying to him, this behaviour is not you, im not going to blame you or judge you, you just need to stop this, calm down and be yourself again.
Great sharing Rebecca. I know I have felt the same with my two kids. It is so supportive for them when I am able to stay steady and hold them in love knowing who they are and that they are simply choosing to behave in a way that is not them at that moment. They come back a lot faster! And now as they are growing older they are starting to support and hold me when I ‘lose it’! We have so much potential in families to be able to support each other without judgement and with great understanding and love.
Rebecca I love what you have shared. This applies not just with parents, but teachers too! I have found it all too easy to feel reaction when a child or group of children choose a behaviour that is not them. The child/children then feel a judgment about their choices making it harder for them to return to themselves. When I hold it and don’t react it supports them to come back much quicker allowing them to understand what they are choosing. It also allows the rest of the class in that moment to feel supported and held.
What a beautiful title for this blog: “The Purpose of Parenting” and you captured it all in this sentence:
“What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?”
It is a beautiful title and it sums up the responsibility we have as parents. Certainly when I first went into parenthood I would not have even considered that it had a bigger purpose! It is so easy to just have kids because that is what you do or that is what we need as parents to feel complete in ourselves. But as Michelle has described so well in this blog, if we consider that our children are going to grow up and become the adults of tomorrow who will determine how the world is run, then there is a great purpose to parenting well worth considering.
A foundation with unconditional love – that is a true foundation on which every child can grow in its own pace. Wonderful.
I love the list in your blog about your insights of what parenting now is for you and especially: “Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes”. This is something not seen or heard often. Most parents do the opposite and try to prevent their child from making the ‘wrong’ choice. Allowing our children to really learn and experience is a true gift and is true parenting.
I agree Monika – that is such an important sentence and thank you for bringing it up here. ““Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes”. If we don’t allow this to happen, then how can they learn and, from that learning, make different choices next time more in the direction of who they truly are, having felt before what they are not, through feeling the consequences of their mistakes.
Michele this is exactly what I needed to read recently realising that there’s a chance I only want children to fulfill my role as a woman, fit in with society and have something to talk about with every other women it seems who has kids… I felt with honesty how I have this picture in my head of how my life will be different being a parent but in that am making it all about me and using potential little humans to fill my needs – something I have witnessed in other people and as they don’t fulfill needs at all its not a pretty picture when that’s the foundation of having kids and the effects are long lasting for the child who grows into adulthood having had all that expectation placed on them befotr they were even conceived! It can lead to these people desperately trying to please, trying to fill those needs which negates all their own actual feelings and does not make a healthy happy human at all. It’s a big topic – thank you for initiating!
Thank you Michelle – a beautiful example of having true loving relationships with children.
Its that investment in an outcome that cripples any chance at a true relationship. As soon as we want things to be a particular way, we are playing out our own desires and foisting those onto the kids. If we flip it on its head and all we are there to do is encourage them to shine brightly, and reflect when they are not, without any personal agenda… this is when they are truly seen.
So true Simon. In fact if we have any investment in any outcome with any relationship we are in fact rejecting the person who is standing before us in favour of an ideal. I know for a fact that a child will respond badly to an expectation of an outcome as in that moment all they feel is the rejection of who they are.
Well said Simon and Kathleen. As soon as we invest in an ideal or an expectation we have rejected Love, the Love within us and the equal Love within another.
Great point Kathleen!
Wow Simon thanks for sharing. This is a great lesson for all relationships, having expectations of even friends and family members can put pressure on relationships and not allowing people to be who they are in full.
Yes to all Simon, Kathleen and Harrison – these expectations are true cripplers for joy-fullness in all our interactions, as no one is then seen in their full-ness or treated with the love they truly are.
A great blog Michelle – ‘What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?’ – this line alone is revolutionary!
It is absolutely revolutionary Eva, as it exposes all things about parenting that actually is not parenting, but molding, smothering, controlling and manipulating out of a need to fill up an emptiness within themselves.
Yes well named Diana – exactly so. This ‘need’ and ‘neediness’ is so insidious and so creepy, and it feels to me so very very important for us to get a handle on that one as it does not just interfere in parenting but in everything we do, in all interactions all of the time.
This is a revelatory line Eva. How many of us parent without even realising the impositions we place on kids. By becoming more aware of our intentions we can break the mould as Michelle is showing.
Thank you Michelle this blog shares many insights and wise words. The list of ideas for reasons for having a baby are probably true for most people, however it can take a while to admit these are running us which have an effect on our parenting skills. Seeing parenting in the way you are sharing releases so much of the struggle and ‘trying’ that goes into being a ‘good’ parent as the child is being treated as an equal, encouraged to openly express and being presented with responsibility which means they can then experience their own consequences from their actions knowing they are always being held in love by their parents.
This is gorgeous Michelle. No imposition just a supportive loving guiding way ‘What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?’ Many woman could learn much from this.
What a wonderful foundation you have built for your children by choosing to firstly be responsible for your choices in life and secondly for allowing them to express and be themselves in their relationship with you. It feels like this way of parenting offers children a firm grounding, while holding them in the fact that who they are is all they ever need to be.
Teaching our children by example and reflection that we are all responsible for ourselves is a great lesson.
It is a great lesson and brings with it a responsibility. It means we never have any excuse to blame anyone else for anything. With it also brings a far deeper understanding to life and what goes on. To be brought up and honoured in this way is something every child deserves.
Yes, Nikki. Parenting is essentially teaching children how to be responsible. Including the responsibility we all have to live our full and true selves in the world.
Michelle the depth of responsibility, playfulness and real purpose in your blog is very inspiring. It shows parenting in a whole new light, something that is very different to what I see the “majority” or parenting to be about. It provides lots to reflect on about our role as parents and the many ideals we may have. In the end the simplicity about supporting another to be all they are by having a deep appreciation and love for ourselves is beautiful.
Beautiful appreciation David. And to add . . . And a lot to reflect on for any adult who spends any time with any child.
I love this David – ” … supporting another to be all they are by having a deep appreciation and love for ourselves is beautiful.” This feels so right and so simple – and is not just for adults to children but in all our interactions with people.
i love that last line David, “In the end the simplicity about supporting another to be all they are by having a deep appreciation and love for ourselves is beautiful.” the realisation that the responsibility always comes back to ourselves and from there we can live in a way to inspire our children
I agree David, we don’t often consider that their could be a purpose to parenting, however what Michelle is sharing brings a whole new perspective to being a parent and raising a child with responsibility
Very true David. One of the things that Michelle’s blog reveals is that this way of parenting isn’t mainstream but provides a completely different foundation for those children (and eventually adults) to go out into the world with.
Michelle, I love the photograph of you and your children in a buttercup field, there is such a feeling of joy and harmony and stillness. My children are now in their 30s – I wasn’t aware of any need in me to have children, I just always knew I was going to have them, and I parented them as best as I knew how at the time. As I have learned more about our needs and how we can impose them on others, especially on our children, I have learned to treat them as independent and equal adults making their own choices with no interference from me. AS a result, no matter where we all are in the world, we still feel close, which is lovely.
I too love this photograph Carmel. It is gorgeous.
Thank you Carmel, from what you share here it prompted the reflection for me that the parenting I received actually has supported me to an extent, to finding my own way as I have, which has helped the relationship I now have with my mum to be more of a person to person, woman to woman, rather than parent/child.
Beautfiul Carmel – and it is so true, we can only do what we feel is best with what we know at the time. It is awesome that even though your children are much older now, your learning has provided for you to let go and the result being that feeling of closeness – very lovely indeed.
When we live true love then we can feel how we are all connected and that there does not exist distance as closeness lies in the equalness we live with all our brothers every day.
To remove the imposition of our need in all our relationships is truly a blessing and allows another to be who they truly are rather than a person with who we have expectations of.
This is a great article on truly responsible parenting Michelle, and something I have been working on myself. What I have realised is that true parenting or any role or activity must come first from self love and connection to self and before we can truly claim we are connecting to another.
Angela, that self connection is key, otherwise we go out in need and do not truly meet another as we’ve not met ourselves first. It makes absolute sense that of course we need to be there connection to our own love and connection yet the world is not currently set up that way, it actively encourages us to look out there and find that thing be it a child, a partner or a job that will fulfill us and yet we are not fulfilling ourselves; we are not giving that love to ourselves, the place it needs to start.
Absolutely Angela. I have learnt the same. Everything must start with self and our relationship with self first because it is ourself that we take to others and the world.
Absolutely Angela, and this applies to every relationship we have. Although I am not a parent, I find the exact same thing with my family, friends, school friends, teachers, work colleagues etc… In order for me to be totally open and loving toward them and have awesome relationships, I have to allow myself the space to be loving and open with myself first.
Every time I evolve more deeply into the love that I am, the more open I become and the more I let go. This is immediately felt by those around me especially my son, who is normally the first to confirm it by being extra specially affectionate and vocal in his love for me! A double blessing. One because of the deepening love and tenderness I feel within myself and for myself, and two that I get to share it with another and feel them expanding too.
I so agree Angela, and in that lies the key – to truly connect to our selves and embrace the love that we are, living it in our daily lives. Without any of that our interactions and connections to others may at best experience minute amounts of the otherwise awesome being-ness that is possible when we are loving our selves in truth.
What a beautiful foundation you are building for your children Michelle; a foundation that encourages them to be all that they are and that their worth is not measured in what they do. This is the loving and supportive foundation that every child in the world deserves.
I fully agree Ingrid, and the difference that this world would be naturally is what is needed and so slowly step by step this will be reflected to all those that are ready to make these changes.
This is a great blog, as true parenting is indeed only about supporting the child to be them completely, without any needs imposed on them.
Exactly Benkt, and in truly supporting ourselves as the deeply caring beings of Love we innately are, the child has all they will ever need to be so too.
A beautiful contribution to the Everyday Livingness blogs <3
A powerful sharing Michelle and I feel the joy of knowing there a parents like you, truly supporting their children to express – without reaction, judgement or wanting to control! So refreshing!
This blog shows the art in parenting ourselves before we venture into parenting others. Perhaps this is why many of us enjoy grandparenting so much as we no longer have the ‘need’ for children to be anything but themselves. We welcome their open observations of us and the world around them as we no longer have a ‘need’ for us to be anything but ourselves.
Well said Mary – parenting ourselves first is vital in order to not be needy and emotional with children. Serge Benhayon’s family is a reflection of true parenting and a role model well worth studying.
I love that Mary – the art of parenting ourselves. If we can do that, then all other parenting falls into place.
Gorgeous Mary, feels so true to me.
Ha- I love this Mary – “… the art in parenting ourselves before we venture into parenting others. ” Awesome realisation and so true. If we can’t lovingly parent our selves how on earth are we meant do it for anyone else?? So back to basics, parenting ourselves with and in the love that we are first and then this flows out to others all around us.
I love what you are sharing here Mary as I can feel how much you love being a grandparent and how you offer the whole of yourself without any investment whatsoever. The wisdom and warmth of being “granny” is really felt with you – there is also something very youthful, playful and fresh with it along with that gorgeous beholding elder quality. Your grandchildren or any child you come into contact with are very blessed indeed.
There’s evolution for both the parent and the child when you approach parenthood with the grace that you are doing it in…”My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again..” Very inspiration Michelle. This shows how self care and parenting augment each other beautifully.
Michelle, reading this I can feel how it applies to anything, having a partner, friends or a job, we cannot use any of these to fill those gaps in us, we can try and often we do but it’s not loving and it’s the ultimate irresponsibility. As you have learned with your children, when we bring the love to ourselves we offer a space for so much more in our connection with others; when we let go those needs and expectations on others we offer ourselves fully as the love we are to the world. Thank you for a beautiful blog, and for offering the understanding that always and ever it is about us being the love we are and meeting everyone in our lives in that.
When we rely or expect another to fill a gap it is so incredibly imposing. In such relationships there is little room to be yourself and it can be stifling. When we take responsibility for ourselves and have no expectation on others, we allow space for others to simply be themselves and express who they are and as they are.
This feels so light and freeing to read Michelle. I remember only too well being the child of a very needy parent, as though it were only yesterday. It was tough, because even as a young child, I knew I could never give enough or be good enough to fill her needs. The analogy of the bottomless pit serves well or the bucket with a hole in it. No matter how much you pour in, never can it be filled. What I now know is that only we can seal the holes in our own bucket, and fill it with pure, clean water for ourselves. We are not responsible for anyone else’s no matter how close the relationship…
For a parent to take responsibility for themselves, to raise truly independent children – not children kept in indentured service to their parents’ needs – that means that the next generation has the potential to be liberated, if they so choose, from emotionally based, draining relationships.
Exactly Rachel, they have that choice, and as a parent I am aiming as much as possible to provide this within my own family. Its been such an unlearning in so many ways, to let go of all the ideals I had as I entered parenthood 17 years ago, but its now becoming easier and easier as I know I don’t have to have all the answers, i simply have to be myself and aim all my parenting at the essence of the child I am talking with.
It sounds so natural that giving birth to a child is giving another human being the opportunity to grow and evolve through a life on earth. Having a child to fill our needs because we live a life incomplete with ourselves is actually anti natural and does not serve humanity as in parenting this way we add to the misery in the world as through that need we are not able to inspire our children to become who they truly are and that they have a responsibility, the responsibility for their own lives in connection with the all, that is so urgently needed in our nowadays societies.
Its so blindingly obvious when you put it like that Nico. We plump automatically for the version where its all about what we want from the relationship, and so often miss the opportunity right there in front of us because we are so needy ourselves.
Yep Simon, and that flows on to all subsequent relationships – emptiness and neediness are epidemic.
So true – that ‘neediness’ is so insidious and can pop up at the most unexpected moments, especially when we are not truly connected to ourselves.
It feels quite gross really when we stop and assess how we have been with ourselves in all our relationships, and much it has been about someone else making us ‘happy’. Yuk!
Absolutely, Nico and Simon. When we use having a child as a filler to one’s emptiness, what kind of foundation are we offering them, and what are we bringing into the world? And later in the years, if they go off the track, it’s the society’s fault, it’s the school/teacher’s fault, and we hardly ever stop and see the part we played and where it all came from.
I’ve felt this you describe Fumiyo, i know it as a ‘baby bubble’ where there is an emptiness that is seemingly filled by having a baby, but when the bubble bursts and we find out that a new child doesn’t fix anything but it is just us putting our ideals and beliefs onto another it is very revealing
This can be true for a lot of relationships not just parenting and it really shows how it can get in the way of what is really there to be enjoyed and learnt.
I totally agree Kristy. This applied to all.
Hello Kristy, yes totally agree and it would seem as soon as we give a relationship a title it gets lost. Not that we can’t call a marriage a marriage or children children but it’s to be aware of what else is possibly going on when we do this. Relationships are indeed special but from what I have seen that can’t be with just one.
Beautifully expressed Kristy, to bring love to all of our relationships and not just the relationships with our children or family and partners.
Exactly Simon, and this I feel is universal. If we have a need or expectation about something we might be missing out on a grand opportunity right in front of us!
I agree Nico it is so obvious to me now that the purpose of giving birth to a child is to give another spirit an opportunity to learn and evolve. We need to learn we do not own our children that they are souls on their own journey through life who happened to choose us to be born through and we are there to support and love them equally to any other child. I realized this through attending presentations by Serge Benhayon and it made so much sense to me and changed the way I am with all children.
This is really lovely Mary-Louise, ‘We need to learn we do not own our children that they are souls on their own journey through life who happened to choose us to be born through and we are there to support and love them equally to any other child’, I observe that it is the ‘norm’ for parents to treat their own children as much more important and special than other children, through the presentations of Universal Medicine i am learning to treat all children with equal love, this feels very natural and when i catch myself treating my son as more special it does not feel true or loving.
Brilliantly said Mary Louise, we are all hear to love all children and each other equally and the support is for us all to evolve back to the love we come from. The moment we make it about ownership and another being more important than others we are involution not evolution, continuing to keep us in the cycle of separation and not one of evolution.
This is a great reminder Mary-Louise :”… the purpose of giving birth to a child is to give another spirit an opportunity to learn and evolve.” Thank you for putting it so clearly, it feels greatly supportive when dealing with ones children when they choose to not be connected to who they truly are deep within.
So well said Mary-Louise we have to stop glorifying the human body and attach ownership to it, only because we have born a child. Birth is just a natural process of bringing another spirit into this world and the only thing we have is responsibility. Responsibility to be a role model for this spirit of how to live as an equal Son of God on earth.
Beautifully said Mary-Louise: “we do not own our children”
If we are willing to see the energetic truth of reincarnation, then everything changes. To parent from such understanding, must surely be a constant process of learning and growth, and a process of dismantling all the attachments, needs and demands we may place on the relationship we have with a child. There is so much in our society that does not acknowledge the truth of reincarnation and just ‘who’ we are giving birth to – i.e. beings deeply experienced in life through ‘many a lifetime’, who come to us for a specific purpose.
To see a child as solely ‘our own creation’ limits them from the outset.
The wisdom and authority with which you write Victoria is super powerful. Indeed how many of us really stop and ponder on “‘who’ we are giving birth to”? Where did the essence or energy that makes up the person in this little body come from? I know that science has proven that consciousness as an energy exists and that this consciousness leaves the body when the body dies. Logic alone says that this has to come from somewhere. When we are open to the fact of reincarnation suddenly it makes so much more sense and get to understand that there is purpose in each incarnation and purpose in the constellation of each incarnation within each family. In getting a sense of the bigger picture it reminds me of the responsibility I have for myself and others, as how I am now and in the future affects what I am going to come back into. I no longer wish to continue to contribute to a muddled, chaotic loveless mess for myself or the next generation. I want to start to clear it up but in order to do that I can only clear up myself, but I cannot impose this on another. I understand and know (given how long it has taken me to get to this point) that this choice can only come when someone is ready to make it. What has accelerated my own awareness is simply the inspiration of others who have made this choice before me and have shown me the way. This is the purpose of my every waking day – to inspire the way I have been inspired but only through my own living expression and humility in knowing that I will continue to develop it the more I allow. As those before me continue to light the way for me, I can do the same for those behind me without need or expectation in terms of outcome for myself or for anyone else.
I love this Michelle, when we look at our lives like this it really opens up the fact that our past choices have got us here and also our choices we make in every moment lead us to truly be able to clear things up
Yes. I feel this too Mary-Louise and have always had a sense that I am here to be one of many who are here to guide children. For me as a parent I have been very aware that my daughter is with me and I am here to express all the care and love I am for her to learn what she needs to but I have never felt that I own her.
I agree Mary-louise, how freeing for the child to not feel it belongs to the parent, but is supported on its journey to make its own choices.
Imagine being met for who you are from a young age and supported in knowing and loving yourself, imagine how much confidence you will have as you reach your adolescent years and beyond. I would like this in my next life.
I am totally with you Mary-Louise, this need’s to be the way we all are with our children and grand children.
Agreed Mary Louise and thanks to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine there are many children being raised like this today and they are not going through the generally accepted rebellious years, instead they are great members of our communities contributing greatly. Universal Medicine is breaking all the molds and showing us life does not have to be what we have accepted and put up with.
True Laura. Universal Medicine is breaking all the molds and showing us that life can be lived in a different way.
Me too Mary-Louse!! I really lacked confidence in myself as a child and if anyone asked me if I loved myself I would not have been able to confirm it. However I was really delighted last week when my daughter wrote herself a loving birthday card and told me that she loved herself. It was genuinely stated and there was nothing in her body that contradicted it – this really should be normal for all of us!
What a great confirmation Michelle – truly awesome!
That’s just beautiful Michelle, and it is a confirmation of the love that you have held her in as she is growing up.
That really is great Michelle. Your daughter shows what should be normal for us all and shows what is possible when we are raised without expectation.
And it is not too late as adults to be this way with ourselves. I bought myself helium filled balloons for my birthday dinner on the weekend and the joy of choosing them, and taking them home and now seeing them after the event is still there.
That is gut ground Michelle. What a confirmation!
Today it is like a miracle when a child says “I love myself”. It is not even celebrated by everybody, many comment this as being weird.
I agree Felix…this should be headline news…”A miracle occurred today. A child says I love myself.” This is highly rare and as a person who works with kids for a living I know just how rare this is. This should be celebrated. Perhaps it is indicative of where the vast majority of children and adults are at with themselves. If a child says ‘ I love myself’ those that do not feel the same internal openness will feel their lack, so much easier to say that’s weird and attack it than feel their own love-less-ness
Me too – it would be a different start to life and one that can support us to learn and evolve from a different platform next time round.
So would I
Rarely is a child born free of the imposition of expectation, great to have this blog raising these important aspects.
I agree Katie. This blog is ground-breaking is honestly talking about something that is rarely discussed amongst parents: our true purpose and intention in wanting to be parents.
Beautifully well said Nico, I agree full heartedly! Michelle beams a glorious light in this.
Absolutely Nico. Is this behaviour not what humanity has been doing for aeons and where has it got us as a race? Holding on to and investing in being met by another instead of ourselves first is the very basic root ill of all our wars and conflicts and forms an price we all have to pay not just for the physical result but the lack of love that could otherwise be.
I love the added dimension being brought to this discussion. That even if our parents are not able to meet us and support in the way we would like to be or would have liked, this does not excuse us from our responsibility in choosing to express from love. As children we love to blame our parents for all the hurts we feel and hang onto them throughout adulthood. Never do we stop to consider that our parents were parented in the same way and have equal hurts. The buck has to stop somewhere. With the support of Universal Medicine there is an upcoming generation that is ready to step up, and is stepping up saying yes to love, no longer blaming or resenting the older generation, but is understanding of the bigger picture and letting go of their hurts – prepared to look at the part they had to play in creating them in the first place.
I could not agree more Michelle, if we blame our parents we do not grow and learn, we just react and nothing is healed. If we take responsibility for our part in it we can stop the blame, feel what is true, heal our hurts, and learn from what life is teaching us.
So true Bernard, when we stop blaming our parents for what happened or for how we are, we can take responsibility for ourselves and then true healing can take place.
The power of all you have shared here in shifting the quality of our relationships across the board with all humanity is enormous Michelle. Our dealing with and healing the most intimate of hurts and relationship issues is tantamount to addressing the enormity of conflict upon our globe.
The buck most definitely has to stop somewhere, and all the support that could ever be imagined is there, should someone choose to be so responsible, and not pass on inter-generationally, hurts that may have reigned for thousands of years and generations.
Making love the bottom line of all of our relationships is indeed possible – here and today.
When we do take this responsibility for our own hurts and not hold them against our parents for what they did or didn’t do when we were children, is enormously healing for our parents. They then feel that we love them for who they are and not what they did or didn’t do, just as has been expressed here in terms of how to parent children.
What you say, Nico, makes such sense to me now, but unfortunately when I brought up my children many years ago, I had no such knowledge, and so many undealt with hurts, I did indeed somewhat stumble along in their upbringing. I had no idea of how to deal with, or even really be aware of all the hurts that were holding me back, many of which I have now dealt with. I rejoice that when I return, I will be so much clearer and more prepared to be living a life that is truly me, much more prepared for bringing children into my life.
Beautifully said, Nico, “Having a child to fill our needs because we live a life incomplete with ourselves is actually anti natural and does not serve humanity”. We can all, both parents and children, feel this is anti natural and stops us from evolving. Taking responsibility for being the love we are and feel inside ourselves brings a whole new perspective to living life and parenting.
I love this Nico, it makes total sense of re-incarnation and evolution on earth –
“giving birth to a child is giving another human being the opportunity to grow and evolve through a life on earth”.
I love this too Stephanie and Nico- it is such an empowering statement and supports our staying truly aware of what we are truly observing.
Yes, so true Nico. We so much get caught into our own needs first (to be the good parent, to have love, etc.) than we trick ourselves into believing we are putting those of our children first when in fact we are but are gratifying our own if we are truly honest
Beautifully said Nico. How much self do we put into our parenting? Do we make it about ourselves or about the child? If we can get ourselves out of the way while embracing the deep responsibility parenting brings, then our children have an amazing opportunity for evolution and the world could change quite rapidly.
Wow Nico, put like that I can really feel the energetic responsibility of our choices to have and raise children. Either to fulfil a need or to support another to live who they truly are.
This is the potential that human life on earth has- to grow and evolve. Currently, as this blog describes though, we have many people who want to have children to feel better about themselves or to be fulfilled in some way. This sets up a whole chain of events and behaviours that leave the kids being bereft of the one type of love they really need- that which comes from parents knowing who their kids really are and what life on earth is all about.
I can see that your children are going to get an opportunity for a start in life that will set a solid foundation for adolescent years.
Yes, very much agree. Those foundational years in childhood, will be a fabulous base for them to stand upon during the adolescent years.
Yes very much agree here too. It is so much more important then we sometimes realize. It sets them for their future. It is asked from ourselves as parents to be way more loving to our selves and looking at our own issues so we don’t project them so much on our children. They then can just stay blossoming in stead of starting to harden and protect and contract themselves when they get older. What Michelle describes shows that the way to go is to deal with our issues and hurts as parents in stead of wanting our children to be perfect behaving.
I have also found that my children are a great barometer for the quality I am in. When I am off their behaviour can change in reaction to it. The knack with this is to know if they are off because of me and my choices, or if they are off because of their own stuff. In the very early days these lines were confused at times or blurred. Knowing I was off and feeling guilty about it I wouldn’t connect my son’s behaviour with my quality. So rather than sorting myself out I’d go further into frustration or reaction with him, which he would then react more to. I often see this playing out with other parents and children and understand what is happening. The key as a parent is to be really honest with yourself and take a step back when needed to re-connect and re-set and take things from there.
Wonderful article Michelle. I agree, the openness and willingness to be honest as a parent is so crucial and healing. I have learnt so much through committing to being truthful about how I feel and what I observe. I can see my children feel held and meet in full by me, when I honour what they feel and I have also experienced feeling myself with them. Learning to discern the quality of energy / mood that we are in is also vital, because children can display stuff they need to work through, as we as adults also do, and it isn’t always connected to how we are parenting, frustration, tears, anger come up and learning to observe and feel the root of this is so supportive to how the relationships flourish.
“The key as a parent is to be really honest with yourself and take a step back when needed to re-connect and re-set and take things from there.” – very wise offering indeed.
Whenever I am not able to step back soon enough and rather snap with my daughter (or anyone else really), even a tiny bit, I can so clearly relate this wobbly quality of being to not having fully honoured the level of care and love that my body had been calling for. Whenever this happens, it is always such a painful “ouch” moment, it certainly gets me back on track quickly.
Yes children are a barometer for when we are not being honest but also they learn to play the game pretty early on, the manipulation game! So it is worth developing the relationship with yourself first and foremost that way you can tell what is your stuff to own and deal with and what is theirs.
Yes Michelle, i feel the great importance of being able to distinguish between ours and our children’s behavior to have a greater understanding of what is really going on and where the behavior is coming from. parenting from this place of honesty can only bring a true way of parenting that allows both the child and parent to evolve.
Michelle, I have noticed this with my son, ‘I have also found that my children are a great barometer for the quality I am in. When I am off their behaviour can change in reaction to it’, if I am rushing my sons behaviour can become quite extreme, what I am learning is for us to both talk to each other and so for him to say to me that im rushing and it doesn’t feel good. I can feel how if I do not connect with my son after school and he wants to be with me and I’m too busy, then his behaviour again can become extreme, the minute I stop and am present with him he comes back to himself – its been very interesting to observe.
Rebecca, this is an awesome sharing! I know too that when my kids have not felt met during the day at school they really need those moments of connection at home to re-settle and come back to themselves. Encouraging our children to not hold back in the expression of how they are feeling is awesome too. The other day I asked my son to do something but he clocked that the main reason I asked was because I wanted to the space to do something else. I was totally busted!! He said it so matter of factly and so lovingly I couldn’t help but laugh and I shared with him how awesome it was that he had called it out. We felt closer as a result…
Very well observed Michelle. Each situation is different and we always have to feel, what is really going on. Is my own hurt holding me back or is the other person in trouble? In such a situation we have to be very honest and we can only find out when we feel our body and read the energy which is coming towards us. We definitely need our sensitivity to be aware of everything.
So True Micelle we need to stay open and feel what we are bringing in any given moment, it is so easy to forget that and go off on one without addressing ourselves, with anyone.
Hello Michelle and yes to all of this. This is true of any relationship and so how we live as a person would be important or a ‘key’ as you say. Parenting is just another type of relationship in life for us. If you are having or seeing problems in any of your relationships whether they be strangers on the street or in your own home be aware of how you are moving in or around this relationship. Are you watching and feeling better or are you dedicating your movements to be in a way that supports everyone. The only way to support connection to yourself is to spend time dedicating to that movement, otherwise you walk right into something without knowing where you are. Every move you take counts and so you can walk how ever you want, your choice or you can be responsible for your every move, knowing we are all effected by it, all the time. So yes there is a responsibility we have in parenting but well before that, we are responsible for our movement in life. It all comes back to us, all of the time. No need to nail parenting or be better or work on your issues. Spend quality time with how you are (responsibility) and naturally everything else will be an extension of that.
And adulthood too Lucy. How many of us as adults are still dealing with our unstable childhood years?
Great question Rachel – the majority?
Yes the undealt childhood issues ripple effect, that carries on throughout our whole life, unless we deal with it.
Totally Diana! Many adults are still hurt children ( no critique here). True ripeness, true maturity is a heart full of beholding, observational love.
Absolutely the majority – there would be hardly any who don’t still lug their childhood hurts around with them.
Eva maybe ‘all of us’, because how many of us were brought up by parents who knew that they were the sons of God and brought us up to be equal expressions of divinity ?
How many of us? Very few. This says so much about where we are at as a society. However, the fact that this conversation is being had is also a sign of changing times.
My feeling is as well, that almost everybody is still carrying some childhood hurts. And it is our responsibility to deal with our issues and not to dump on any other person.
So true Rachel most of the issues we carry around with us in life, our hurts and frustrations, stem from not having a loving and stable upbringing. It is amazing how much we are able to bury and hide from ourselves and everyone else until we start to really look at them. What I am amazed by is how much I have held onto and used my childhood hurts to hold me back and keep me small in life
MOST Rachel Mascord! If the adults were actually responsible beings the world would be a very different place most of us are very hurt and acting out or protecting from that place of hurt, often in complete ignorance to the fact. To bring a child up who knows who they are beyond what they do is a remarkable achievement as everything in our world is the opposite to this. Thank god Serge and Deborah Benhayon have reflected another way for us to be inspired by.
would it be more and less than those that aren’t.. It almost feels endless to me sometimes how much there is to uncover in this, all the more is the beauty of continually tending to our foundations.
Very true Rachel, this is of the utmost importance for us at any age, if there is a solid foundation it enables us to build.
Yes Rachel, this is a great point. Parenting in this way gives children such a different outlook on life than the one most of us had when we were growing up. Some adults are still carrying around their childhood issues into their 80’s and 90’s.
Exactly Rachel. The beauty of offering our children a solid foundation of love and truth will re-imprint the generations to come as the way forward, unlike the past where we developed many issues from not being met or guided in this way.
Yes and what a true difference that will make indeed, the world then will become a more and more loving place with less and less disharmony.
And the way to support this foundation for children is most certainly building a foundation for ourselves first, as you have so described Rachel. This is responsible parenting.
Yes, Rachel, I understand your comment, so many of us have hurts from our own upbringing that we are still dealing with, giving us more understanding of why we have patterns of behaviour that are not serving us. But then, at the time, our parents knew no better. What a beautiful foundation Michelle has built for her young children to grow upon.
Very true Rachel, imagine not having to go through that! How important is what Michelle is demonstrating as it show a true foundation that our children can start with.
Practically all of us. A huge thank you to Universal Medicine for giving us all we need to make different choices and to start turning this cycle around.
Hear hear Laura – I can fully second that. I feel totally blessed to have met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine all these many years ago – what an awesome time we are all evolving into to, to truly turn the cycle into a much more loving and harmonious one.
Simply knowing about reincarnation brings a different perspective for me on life for a new baby, knowing they have been here before and have been adults takes away the neediness to over protect and parent, it gives perspective to observe, love and support this returning child.
I agree Merrilee…once I connected to reincarnation my perspective on life completely changed. It makes an enormous difference to how I relate to everything including children. I find that I am clearer, less imposing and have more understanding with them.
I so agree Merrilee and Rachel, knowing about re-incarnation gives such a liberating perspective on life and our relationships. We come to know our purpose here which helps us not to become entangled in false ideals and beliefs about life about what should be and shouldn’t be . . . and so we are able to keep open and observational on life.
I agree Merilee.. when we allow ourselves to be secure in the knowledge of what our bodies know, i.e. that reincarnation is indeed a fact, it changes the perception on everything. What I love about new born babies, quite apart from their gorgeous stillness is the fact that they are returning to evolve. Quite often in a new born you can see traces of the last life, and for me this is fascinating! As a parent I know that it is my responsibility to support the child in their awareness of what old patterns need to be cleared and how to support them to stay connected to the love and wisdom that they naturally are notwithstanding.
Well said Rachel and why are we still dealing with it, because we are not assuming the responsibility of choosing love over abuse and we prefer to stay in the comfort of blaming. There is nobody to blame for that we did not choose love as soon as we were old enough to take care of ourselves. We are born into the energy we left this world with passing over from our past life and we have to face the energy we created, but we have every second the possibility to choose love over abuse. How awesome is that!!!
That is absolute gold Rachel. Self responsibility in a nutshell
Yes totally awesome that the opportunity to choose love is with us every moment! We can’t blame our own parents for not meeting us, since as you share we come into what we left behind. The very solid probability is that we didn’t meet our own children as adults in our previous incarnation/s and so have to come in with this lack to learn through feeling what we have done to another which then allows us to make different choices. The trouble is that can take us many, many lifetimes to get, but knowing that love is there consistently and permanently is great to know when you first get this realisation!
I so agree, many petulant toddlers masking as adults! We so have to reimprinting childhood years with understanding and love.
Hello Rachel, I agree and what is at the core of those ‘childhood issues’? If it is the fact that we weren’t connected to, not met or seen for who we truly are then it would make sense from the point of this awareness that your dedication would be to connect, meet and see yourself for who you truly are first, before you take another step. Otherwise you would be just walking in some better or older shoes dragging the same issue with you. I guess what I am saying is that we can spend time with our issues, hurts, complaints or making things look better, giving our children what we didn’t have (including connecting to them) or we can consistently deeply connect with everything around us and magically everything and everyone will be taken care of in this. No need to parent your children because you will be truly living and so everything will be there for you, naturally. Parenting will be just part of a natural flow of life that is before you and not something you have to do or make better. Everything starts with how we are with ourselves.
I love how you make the contrast here Raymond between how most of us live in our unawareness and all that entails and how life actually is when we are connected. “No need to parent your children because you will be truly living and so everything will be there for you, naturally”. No trying in any aspect of life because it just is and everything needed constellates naturally. Lovely.
Yes, knowing true love as a child is about the best thing that can happen to us.
Absolutely.
Christoph I whole heartedly agree but can’t help wondering how many children have felt true love as in true, true love.
Hello Lucy and I agree. The ‘child’ years are important and yet it has little to do with what you tell them. It’s more how you are with them. When children are children their world is small, they see Mum and Dad as the King and Queen of their world. So the responsibility of how the parents are is massive. It doesn’t necessarily matter how it looks or what is said but the children watch and learn from what you do. So be nice and polite, well yes respect is important but anyone can say please and thank you because they are just words but the quality you live is what they truly see. So to ‘teach’ the children is a lead role in how you are. They see everything, so closing the door to an argument etc looks better but truly we are kidding ourselves. What Michelle is presenting is huge and she is saying exactly this, take care of how you are with yourself and that care will be there for everyone naturally. Words are great but backed up with a living quality to those words is everything, Universal Medicine.
Well expressed Raymond – it truly is all about how we are first, and if that is reflected in how we communicate verbally then so much the better too. No communication can be expressed in truth if what we feel inside and how we are with ourselves is not the foundation of that first.
Beautiful what you have shared here Ray, its shows the responsibility that parenting is but how that supports you and all.
Hello Kristy and I agree and “it shows the responsibility that ‘living’ is” This is life and yes parenting is a part of that, if I was only to parent my children in this way then it’s not true. We can’t just turn off and on how we are, every choice, everything is with us every time. So the way I am with my children is reflected in the way I am with life and the same back the other way. If you want to be able to connect with your children more, it’s not about time spent but more about the quality you are.
Ray so well said, and it can’t be overstated, it is that integral to raising children,
” it’s not about time spent but more about the quality you are”. It would be less confusing for the child navigating their way through life if we as adults were responsible for the quality we live, and their behaviours, a reflection of ours, drop in that quality.
‘Take care of how you are with yourself and that care will be there for everyone naturally,’ beautifully expressed Raymond. I understand this now from my own livingness. In the past I took care of others and neglected myself. Only to find that if I wasn’t taking care of me, the support I offered others wasn’t care at all, because it stemmed from a need to please, be liked and recognised.
There’s a big ouch at the end of your comment kehinde2012 but very true.
Oh yes I am having a big Ouch moment when I reflect on my past motivations. Thankfully we have a new understanding of life and importantly parenting. The foundations being laid now are a turning point for our future as a humanity.
Kehinde and Mary i have to agree, when I look back on my rather oily kindness, I thought that I was helping others but truthfully my behaviour was very self serving.
“In the past I took care of others and neglected myself. Only to find that if I wasn’t taking care of me, the support I offered others wasn’t care at all, because it stemmed from a need to please, be liked and recognised.” This is very exposing kehinde2012, but what so many of us do. We have been brought up to believe that this is ok and acceptable, whereas in truth it we do not help anyone when we ‘care for others’ in this way. It is with thanks and deep gratitude to the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that many people are now living lives where they care for themselves deeply, and as a result are able to truly support and care for others.
Your last comment is a huge one Kehinde. How many of us are open to seeing that our “niceness” comes from a need to be liked? This is one that affects very many of us I am sure – I know it did for me. I had no idea that how much I did was laced with the need to be recognised. Even though I have been working on myself for years the insidious claws of this trait still has a hook. It is something I have still to pay careful attention to even though I have come a long way with this.
Yes Michelle and ‘need’ is the key word here if we ‘need’ to be liked we will put honesty and truth aside to fulfill that need. While our aim is to fill that need we are not loving to ourselves, or the other person.
This is great Raymond. I think most parents understand there is a responsibility in being a parent but what you and Michelle are presenting is gold for any parent to read. Responsibility begins with the quality of how we live ourselves first for this is what is there 24/7 for children to see.
Spot on Jane and so even here typing, has a quality and when the children wake this is the quality that will meet them. Make every move from a quality, not slow, not trying to be loving but a connected quality to every touch you make. This is the quality that will be with you then in every moment, it can’t not be, impossible. We make the move that guarantees the next part or you can walk to get from here to there and then hope for the best or rely on your memory to get you through. I’ve tried that for years and it never work, connect with the quality of your every touch and life is super simple, as it’s all there.
Again – pure wisdom in the simplicity of what you are presenting Raymond. Each moment is in true connection or it is not. Each is felt deeply by us and everyone around us, but how it touches our lives and those lives of others is vastly different. In connection we inspire in contraction we impose.
Absolutely, also there is nothing inspiring about someone who doesn’t walk the talk. You can teach a child to do as they are told but it is not the same with a teenager. You would be wise not to tell a teenager to do something if you are not a living walking example of how to do it. They watch and learn through feel and sight more than through their ears and they use their mouths to let you know exactly how they feel about your example! Be open to honesty and both of you will grow exponentially.
Absolutely Raymond, great point. Please and thank you have become the parenting ‘musts’ but you bring up a great point that how we are in every way makes a difference, how we move, speak, cook, whether we drink alcohol or not and basically everything is a communication. Children are very sensitive and will pick up on everything! I know I did.
Harrison I have noticed on many an occasion when parents insist on manners how the child contracts and so reluctantly say the words their parents are imposing on them to say. They feel this as an imposition deeply because they are also aware of the fundamental difference between saying one thing and living another. I know when I was a child and was told to say please and thank you I was aware of the hypocrisy of it because I knew the foundation of our lives wasn’t built on love but was angry at the falseness of presenting a picture for outside the home.
Yes Michelle, I notice this imposition on kids and the contraction that follows too. Are we as a society directing our children how to be or allowing them to make their own choices and express who they naturally are?
Yes exactly Harrison and we have many sayings that relate to how the world is ‘more than meets the eye’. We walk around saying things to each other alluding to the fact of ‘everything is energy’ and yet we are so ready to dismiss it also at times, it doesn’t make sense?? Make life about how you move and not just what you say and it will change, it can’t not.
Well said Lucy…and the whole family grows in the process.
With an approach like this to parenting each day is a new day and life can be moved through freely. With a stable foundation as a child it provides a leaping pad for life. In contrast, when hurts are accumulated each day has more and more baggage. As many of us know, we don’t necessarily deal with that baggage but we do have to carry it with us until such time as we choose to deal with it. And this baggage can start from a young age.
I can see and feel this also Lucy. Even from just liking at the deep connection in the photo. It is quite powerful.
I agree Lucy – parenting doesn’t stop once kids are at school and able to in most sense look after themselves – the role of a parent, t love and support your child to be themselves is especially important in the teenage years, where they are going to go though a lot, and knowing the love and support is there will give them a way to come back.
In fact that is all they need a foundation of love and then they are much better able to manage the challenges of adolescent years.
Yes Jenny – this is vital. So many teenagers get sucked in to disregarding behaviour because they lack that solid foundation of self worth. It is hard to say no when you are desperate to fit in and when you are living amongst the intensity and pressure that today’s education system and society box them in with.
yes this is gold, so many adolescents struggle in that phase of life, but if they have a base within themselves to return to, I am sure the passage is easier and smoother for them. I wish i had known about how to navigate life when i was growing up. It would have made all the difference in such a crazy, upheaval of life at that time. Never mind, it is never too late to learn how to be yourself, and the more I understand the beautiful person I am within, the more being ME is enough- yes -the content of being enough is divine.
Michelle, thank you I can definitely improve my parenting and grandparenting skills, it’s never too late to learn and express from love.
So true Susan, there is always something more we can learn. What Michelle offers here is an insight into the fact that parenthood offers us an opportunity to grow, develop and evolve as not only as an individual but as a family. It is beautiful and confirming to read that we can parent in such a way.
Yes Jade. When I make the choices that allow me to evolve it supports my entire family to do the same and I love how we all support each other. My children although young are just as supportive of me and my husband as we are of them. They know they are equals and what they offer is gorgeous. I do know of many parents who do not treat their children as equals, as being lesser and not as wise – to me this is a tragedy because this doesn’t hand responsibility back to the child but keeps them locked away in confirmation that they are small and powerless – so untrue!
I so agree Michelle – treating children as equal is so important and I find this is the case with all children. I never treat any of my friend’s son as less than me or any less than him just because he’s my son. Great point you make about wisdom too – I know my son at times displays far more wisdom than me and is a constant inspiration. It’s a shame schooling is not based on equalness!
When a teacher believes that a child is less or that it is his/her job to fill up the child’s “empty” mind and to focus on results the child is deeply hurt by this. Moreover when a teacher cannot see the enormity of every child in front of him/her and honour it they are missing out hugely. There is such a wealth, richness, gorgeousness and love there wanting to express and when it is capped we all lose out, none more so than the child.
Me too Michelle and Michelle, its actually so much fun treating children as equals. They connect back to you and it offers an opportunity to be themselves. When they can just be it is a beautiful connection that takes place. They are not protected life adults and the relationship is very open. It gives them a choice.
It is fun to be with kids! i’ve just driven home with my son in the front of the car with me and we were chatting away like friends. I was really enjoying his perspective on what he was sharing – so unique. In this sharing and appreciation of one another the love between us was truly palpable…
It is so exciting to read all of your comments as I am realizing what I need to do more of.
The beliefs that we have grown up with and those that are pushed on us from outside of how we should be parenting and what got people through in the past is so archaic and damaging.
To read the beauty written here is truly inspiring. Thank you Michelle.
Yes yes yes – we need to get comparison and competition banned from our minds and lives and raise children to know they are equal brilliant lights in their own right. How divine for them and us all.
I love what you have shared Michelle. It is the norm to treat your ‘loved ones’ as more important than other people. This perpetuates the issues of inequality we have in society and the conditional love that is rife everywhere. It would feel amazing to treat all kids as your own, to treat them equally and not hold back the love or the responsibility.
Michelle I agree that, “It’s a shame schooling is not based on equalness!” It takes an adult to be really comfortable and settled in their own skin to allow for such a relationship to occur, with an appreciation and understanding of all the wisdom that children can access. Much joy can be experienced on both sides when equality is at play.
I love how children show adults up when they are given the space and freedom to do so.
Love this point about equalness. It’s very interesting to observe myself when I might feel more love for one child over another. It’s a sure sign there is something for me to look at where there are gaps in loving and appreciating myself in full, because I know, with every cell of my body that every child and every one of us is the same grand a very delicate love. And we deserve to all feel this equally.
I like how you have put here Michelle how your choice to evolve supports your family to do the same. This is one thing I often don’t give myself credit for and often don’t leave space for. If I gave this more credit I would allow more space for my kids to process, and bring more understanding to what’s happening in there lives.
There is a great value in allowing the space for kids to make their own choices if they can bring the understanding that can come from feeling life and reading what is going on.
Great point Kim, kids learn from reflection rather than being told this or that. The more we focus on evolution, the more love we bring to those around us and so the more supportive we are with our family, friends, etc..
This is a great point Kim. It is so impotant to give our kids the space to process what is going on for them, and also allows us to be there for them in a much more supportive role. I have found that the more I have stepped back from my children and allowed them to find their own way through things, the more they align to me. And our relationships just continue to deepen.
Kim’s comment really does bring home to me that when we choose to take responsibility for ourselves the impact this has on those around us. I too have not felt the enormity of this choice as I do today as I pause to reflect on the importance of living each moment in dedication to lovingly being present with myself and therefore others.
Empowering children to know they are equal to all and to value their expression is such a gift not only for them but also for humanity. The more people we raise knowing the fullness of who they are, the more other people will have the opportunity to choose the same too.
Not just “official” parents but all people can learn from this blog. The fact is that we are all parents at times – to our friends and colleagues, children we encounter along the way of our daily life, family members and our own parents too.
Parenting is not a role thrust on us by the act of producing a baby – it is as simple as supporting another when they need support with not a drop of condescension, sharing our wisdom, seeing and feeling everything about a person that is there to be seen and felt and loving them to the bone.
Even children can parent their parents when we look at it without the traditional belief getting in the way.
Well said Rachel. Parenting is a quality not a role and becomes a joy when you see it that way. It is offering a reflection of true love, commitment to life and responsibility for one’s choices.
Very true Rachel. We are all parents and role models to each other as you have perfectly described. This is an enormous responsibility and one that is actually diminished if we believe that we are only ‘parents’ to the children we give birth to.
Limiting our love and our responsibility means we have limited and diminished the acknowledgment and appreciation of our own love first and our ability to love all equally. Our love is far more grand than we can imagine…so why keep it contained…
Agreed Kylie and Fiona, I have always loved the saying “It takes a community to raise a child”. Today we have gotten so out of rhythm that sometimes not even parents are raising their children, they are leaving it to schools to do that, the end result is the out of control children we have today. Pushing boundaries and looking for love.
Beautifully shared Rachel. We can parent at any time to everyone and is inclusive of all friends, colleagues, family members and children alike.
Agree Rachel, kids have the capacity to make the best parents. True parenting is a quality and it is not defined by age.
Gorgeous Katie, “True parenting is a quality and it is not defined by age.” There are many parenting courses available and if none talk about the quality of the parent first and the choices they are making then they are not truly covering what it is to be a parent.
I like what you share Rachel, it gives us a big responsibility but also redefines what we see as parenting, we can parent one another and also ourselves. Sharing wisdom and the benefit of having anthers eyes run the rule over things that often we are too caught in to see. While we can provide this for all children I also love the fact we can do the same for each other as adults.
I recently saw an Esoteric Practitioner who suggested that I start to re-parent myself. I had grown up with very little discipline and responsibility. It was such a beautiful experience to feel the love in making myself responsible and accountable for things I once would have allowed myself to get away with. It truly turned my life around.
So beautifully said Rachel, we are all parents ALL of the time. The more I remember this the more I feel the need to be responsible in every moment as ultimately people are always watching each other and learning. So do we give people a truly loving example to learn from or a self destructive one?! The choice is ours!!
“Even children can parent their parents when we look at it without the traditional belief getting in the way.”
Absolutely Rachel, i love how Michelle shares with us that “I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard”. This level of equality is SO key in any relationship not only does it show a commitment to taking responsibility for our way of being but is also an enormous confirmation of the value of what they are feeling.
I love what Rachel shares too. It has redefined what parenting is – not just to care for a baby who grows, but to bring all of who we are to all others we know and meet, and to support them through the love we are. Likewise to be humble and to acknowledge there are times when we need that “parenting” too, and if we can’t give that to ourselves then to be open to receiving and letting in that love from another. I also appreciate Lucinda how you acknowledge the importance of what a child feels. It is so important that our children are given the space to express and that they feel safe to do so. So often children will choose to bottle up their feelings because they simply feel that they will get dismissed, not heard or reacted to. As adults we can’t ignore or undermine the validity of what a child is internally experiencing, even in the smallest of moments. There has to be a sensitivity to this.
It does support children to trust their feelings when there is an absolute honesty in the relationship. To call out another when they are hard, protected, unloving etc is such a loving thing to do which I too am encouraging those around me including my children to do.
Never too late Susan, I am learning daily and relearning and getting back up again and letting go some more, a continual process of evolution.
Hello Susan and I agree, “it’s never too late to learn and express from love”. This is something you live with yourself first as you are saying. We aren’t truly parents or grandparents, we are people first. So how I am with the children or the man at the servo is no different in a way. I can’t truly do something for my children that first hasn’t been ‘done’ for myself and so if I love my children so much that level of love will need to be first in my body. Parenting is like any other relationship, it just looks different. We aren’t there to tell the children the meaning of life we are there to live life in front of them from a quality. This quality they see and feel and they are inspired to do the same. So if we want improvement in “parenting or grand-parenting” bring it home to how we are and from there the rest just flows and no need to do anything.
I love the wisdom in this Raymond. Live the love within you first and it translates out naturally into all of our relationships. Gold!
So beautiful, live the love within you, not all the ideals and beliefs that you may have inherited.
Thanks Michelle and when you read this it makes so much sense. Living with things this way takes so much pressure off and makes life so so much simpler.
‘We aren’t there to tell the children the meaning of life we are there to live life in front of them from a quality. This quality they see and feel and they are inspired to do the same.’ – this is true parenting.
I agree Michelle this wisdom that Raymond offers is gold and is something for us all. Too often we as human beings focus our efforts on getting others right somehow thinking that if we do things/ life will be better but these are all great distractions from our own responsibilities of how we are living each day.
This is superb Raymond “We aren’t there to tell the children the meaning of life we are there to live life in front of them from a quality. This quality they see and feel and they are inspired to do the same.” To be a parent is first of all a responsibility for bringing up an equal Son of God and as you say there is no difference in this quality than to any other relationship too, just that we have to support them in the daily life tasks until they are old enough to take care of themselves. They are never less, they are only smaller or younger in physical form, but not in their expression.
I too felt Rachel that this sentence from Raymond was indeed superb, and really simply saying it how it is. This is certainly calling for a lot of self-reponsibility, which once accepted and lived makes parenting a lot easier – indeed as Raymond wrote front there it simply flows, no need to do anything.
Rachel I love that ‘They are never less, they are only smaller or younger in physical form, but not in their expression’. It is only something that I am coming to consider now that my son is 14. What caused me to reflect on this was an essay that he wrote on Socrates which showed a real depth that I had seen before but not reflected on for a while.
Love this and agree wholeheartedly. A wonderful expansion Raymond, live from a quality that they are then inspired to live for themselves.
Hello Lucy, thank you and this could be true for a sentence for life, “live from a quality that they are then inspired to live for themselves.”
Raymond and Rachel I love what you have expressed. Children are “never less, they are only smaller or younger in physical form, but not in their expression”, our role is simply to support them in the daily life tasks until they are old enough to take care of themselves. And just as in all relationships we are responsible as role models for living the quality of life we choose to live.
This is like a Mantra Raymond , something to develop and work on each day. I agree Golnaz we have our part the whole way along to not forget ourselves and how powerful our reflection is.
This is beautiful Rachel, and sometimes the parents can also learn from their children, as they are equal, like you say. Holding this space of truth will give both the parents and the children the responsibility of being the reflection for another.
So true Monika that “sometimes the parents can also learn from their children, as they are equal.” When this relationship is allowed to be equal the amazing reflections that can be passed between children and parents, parents and children offer a huge amount of personal growth on all sides.
Hello Rachel and while yes, I see the one of the first responsibilities as a parent is to realise you are not a parent. Confused? You are a person first and parenting is just something you do from there. In other words it brings it back to everything is about people no matter what they look like or who they are to you and it seems we are all sit in the parent and non parent worlds which divides things up when in fact we are all people first. It would seem as soon we put a ‘parent’ cap on it changes things.
Gorgeous Raymond. I absolutely love what you are sharing! What you are pointing out is that we are people first and foremost not the hats we put on. When we call ourselves or identify ourselves as parents, teachers, carpenters, accountants, cleaners, doctors we put ourselves in boxes and view the world and others through the narrow confines of those paradigms and all the ideals and beliefs that are contained therein. In that separation we have lots of little boxes all looking out but viewing each other as different – not relating to each other very well; viewing ourselves as either superior or inferior, more intellectual or less intellectual, more knowing or wise or less wise etc: judging and comparing or manipulating or controlling to try to get everyone else to fit into the boxes we have created. When we claim that we are people first before anything it is that we do the whole vista opens out to include everyone all at the same time. Those walls fall away and we can see clearly that we are all in this together – all with different expressions to offer but all equal and valid nonetheless. There is no desire to control from this vantage point, but to appreciate all the gems that make up the whole in full appreciation of what we all bring.
I totally agree Rachel and when children are given this respect but not given free reign to run wild, still being brought up with a loving discipline that is based on your own true way of living then they are given an opportunity to be all of who they are, without question. Each choice they make thereafter will have its own consequence, be that supportive and confirming of who they are or destructive and harming to who they naturally are.
Absolutely Natalie, in the equality there has to be love and discipline with clear boundaries just as we would expect from adult relationships too. When all relationships are founded on love there is base of truth and structure, which supports everyone to be themselves.
Rachel I really appreciate what you are sharing here. Discipline and boundaries are not an unloving expression but are in fact the complete opposite. When you discipline a child with love the words you utter are firm, but they are not done in judgment and in anger or in reaction, just with an absoluteness that comes from the body which comes from the knowing of what love is and that this is what the child is ultimately to learn, but in truth already knows. Any act or situation that is not loving needs to be called out and that includes me, so if my children clock that I am not being all that I am either or being unloving then they have my permission to let me know…
And this is where parenting often goes wrong… when we forget that children are absolutely equal in expression. It is a big lesson for us all to re-learn how to be with children in a way that is supportive of their true development and not hinder it with beliefs of what parenting is.
Yes if we forget that children are absolute equals then we shut them down with our expression.
Beautifully expressed Kylie, allowing children to maintain their expression, re-learning how to support them to remain who they are and not ask them to be what the world wants them to be. One of our biggest and greatest mistakes.
Absolutely Kylie. As adults it can be easy to quash and squash children in expression as often they can bring home some quite startling truths. If we are open to the equality and allow the relationship to be this then flourishing and development on both sides can happen.
Spot on Ray! Taking the pressure off ourselves to fit into a picture we may have in place and to instead allow and accept ourselves to be all the Love we already are, is for a child, or anyone else for that matter, all that is required.
Hello Giselle and I agree the ‘pictures’ we have can lead us astray. It’s not there is no plan but we aren’t driving towards a picture, more following a moment by moment approach that supports all we need at that point.
I agree Giselle and Ray, simply being all the love that we are is more than enough to offer our children. Love is all children, well any of us want. No amount of money, gadgets, holidays etc… can or will ever mean more to a child growing up than the true deep and real love of from their parents.
I agree James, you can never buy your children’s love with things…the best present ever that never stops is our love for our self that is expressed to them.
This is great Raymond, ‘We aren’t truly parents or grandparents, we are people first.’ I can feel how in society we live the role of ‘parent’, grandparent’ etc.. and how we can then go into these roles rather than staying with us, for instance as a mother I can loose myself as the woman first and instead identify myself as the mother and that becomes my focus, and thus I do not connect and live from the amazing woman I am, this can and has resulted in me putting my child first rather than myself, I am changing this now and it feels great to feel that I am a woman first.
Hello Rebecca and I agree. It’s not about putting you first or the child first but for us to appreciate that all relationships no matter the title start with ourselves first. The level of love and care you ‘have’ for someone will be determined by the same level you have for yourself. In other words what you live for yourself will automatically be there in everything thereafter. So no need to deeply love your children, deeply love yourself and all children will see and be held in this. Everything starts with us.
It’s the key ingredient in life Raymond, beautifully said. The relationship we develop with our selves, our inner dialogue, our self care and nurturing is the platform on which we base all our outer relationships, because it is our way of being. Deepen our way of being and everyone benefits from a deeper awareness, care and love. It goes against the grain of many people’s upbringing but Michelle’s article and all these comments prove that we can overcome our up-bringing, ditch the roles and re-establish true relationship.
Very true Raymond, it all starts with loving and appreciating ourselves first. If we can do this the reflection we give to others is very powerful indeed.
The ‘quality’ of our lives that our children and our communities’ children get to see and feel is everything, isn’t it Ray. What you’ve written about here is the responsibility we all have in the reflection we bring to our children, for they see-feel it all. There is simply no hiding from a child. And how powerful and empowering it is for a child to be able to voice what they see-feel, without fear of attack or censure.
Very true Victoria which is why we should never stay in a relationship that is devoid of love just for the children. They see and feel it all and then find it hard to make loving relationships. Children are smart, they can cope with so many things but they cannot cope with lies. They just learn coping mechanisms to pretend they don’t feel the lies which I find adults manage to be very vocal about!
It would be awesome to have our children expressing in full calling it as it is. Inspiring us back making us think once or twice about doing what we do. If they are out of control then where are we not choosing to be in control. Instead we blame and claim that they are naughty when in truth they are not been met in the love they naturally are. Gaming, self-harm, sex and drugs are on the increase all to numb why they have not felt the love.
So true Rik, we all can be their reflection for love, and aren’t we all responsible for children in general, not only to our own ones. This makes me step into my place of responsibility of being a bright light out there that can be seen from everyone as a reflection of love.
Rik you bring up some really great points and it just exposes the comfort that we enjoy being in and the irresponsibility that is being played out. Children only know what they have been shown, so to blame them is a complete cop out. Meeting them for who they are comes down to us meeting ourselves first, like Michelle so beautifully shared, and then we can have this with others. True Love with all comes with this within first.
In my work role I meet many parents who want me to fix their child’s behaviour without wanting to take responsibility for theirs. They expect their child to do all the changing but are often initially offended to be asked to look at their own choices and behaviour.
I am often still amazed at how, when a child is met, they drop their attention seeking behaviours because they have no need for them.
KB, what you are sharing here is really important. In the park recently with my kids I became aware of how little parents or carers actually “parent” these days. The kids were left to their own devices and were not brought into line when they were behaving inappropriately. It feels like parents are so riddled with their own issues that being role models for their children is way too big an ask… For me this is calamitous. Our children need love, they need boundaries – they need to be met. What happens to society when these kids become parents?
Hello Victoria and I agree, yes. I get what you are saying and we could possibly replace the words ‘children and child’ with people and person.
‘What you’ve written about here is the responsibility we all have in the reflection we bring to ‘people’, for they see-feel it all. There is simply no hiding from a ‘person’. And how powerful and empowering it is for a ‘person’ to be able to voice what they see-feel, without fear of attack or censure.’
This is something that all people want – young and old.
Love it Raymond – it is such a natural way to live and great fun.
I love what you have shared here Raymond. We are people first and not a role. Let’s make it about Love equally with everyone.
I agree Vicky and as you would see that love starts at ‘home’ first with us. So you can’t go out to the world and just say ‘I love you equally’. This is a living message, you need to walk it and it’s not that you treat everyone the same or that you tell everyone you love them and kiss them. We would need to consistently check in on what ‘love’ is to us, how it feels. Love comes in many different forms but it will always come from the same source, a connection, a deep connection with what you feel in every moment, a living love.
Absolutely Ray. If we are not living love, then how can we express it to another?
Yes Ray we need to walk and express love from a connection to the love within us, not just tick the boxes of society’s version of what love may look like.
Raymond I loved this line ‘We aren’t there to tell the children the meaning of life we are there to live life in front of them from a quality’.
Gosh can you imagine if we approached life like this not only in front of children but in front of each other as well?
I agree absolute gold Alexis, no need to tell children the purpose of life, we are born as love and to live that freely, we only need to live life in that same quality so we can truly meet them.
Lovely Jenny – we need to relearn the quality we came in with as kids so as to meet our children in theirs.
In this I feel the equality you bring to parenting Raymond. I remember being a child and really appreciating when adults spoke to me no different to how they spoke to each other.
Beautiful Raymond, it is just as any relationship, it starts all with our own love for ourself.
This is great Ray, a reminder that children are equal with us, no more or less. the way we live becomes an inspiration for them to choose to live by “This quality they see and feel and they are inspired to do the same.” So in bringing it back to the way we are in all our relationships with others and ourselves, the more love we are in these relationships leaves a true quality for our children to live by
So beautiful Chris and very true. The way we are with every single person including ourselves is observed by our children. It is an absolute blessing to be in this position of responsibility because it supports us to deepen our way with all.
Yes – our children clock absolutely everything! They clock when I am loving, hard, when I am checked out, present or not present. I notice that they do indeed notice everything … what a great resource to have on hand though if you are open to them supporting you in this way. Encouraging my children to articulate what they clock is not only great for them in their expression but great for me in my developing awareness!
So from what you are saying Raymond we can’t compartmentalise life, what happens in one part of our life carries over into every other aspect. So if we were rude at the servo then that would be carried in our bodies into the next encounter. Everything we do matters and our consistent quality is what counts.
I agree Stephen it is the ultimate responsibility that no one can run from or blame. We either are willing to choose it or not. The middle ground is just the comfort of our thoughts and how we want to think. It is funny our we have a fitted character and stand by this that this is who we are. We tell people this is who I am and I will not play with you unless you accept my behaviour. Kids quickly learn how this game plays and become a player too and another member of society living as unequal, thus the cycle begins again, and we all think we are moving forward because we are not treating our kids ‘like our parents did’, when the next generation after you could very possibly get the same treatment as 2 generations before. It is not until love and equalness is lived the next generation can change and we are not stuck in the loop of no return.
Great Stephen and spot on this is it. Everything is everything, so having a beer and talking to your mates at the pub doesn’t stop when you go home after and kiss your little girl goodnight. We physically leave one location and arrive at the next but everything that was there in one moment is with us in the next. We talk about responsibility, we fight what I have just said as being ridiculous or this or that because it is a big responsibility but ‘we love our children or we love our little girls’ which is true but we can’t just have this in one place. Physically you could say this is possible on one level but the whole world of science would disagree with that as well. If ‘everything is energy’ which is a known fact then it’s not something you can turn off and on depending on who is in front of you and what they look like. Everything you say and everything you do is with you no matter what physically you see standing in front of you. If we want to truly love our ‘little girls’ or our children then everything else we do will need to equal that love, including the love we have for ourselves. See you at the ‘servo’ Stephen, obviously kidding.
Its a great conversation Raymond, I can remember that from the times when I used to go to the pub and the energy I would choose to place my body in, looking back it is not something I would then want to impose on to children. I was certainly in denial that my drinking harmed anyone, but clearly it did and it is good to now recognise this.
Beautiful Raymond, ‘if we want improvement in “parenting or grand-parenting” bring it home to how we are and from there the rest just flows and no need to do anything.’ We have to truly know and live the love we are in order to inspire others to live it for themselves. If we simply talk about it, our children feel it is not true which then leads to confusion and misunderstnadings which can then be taken into every aspect of their young lives, sending mixed messages to everyone.
Walk the Talk 🙂 🙂 🙂
Hello Kathryn and it’s amazing how many sayings we have that ring this true, “walk the talk”, ‘actions speak louder than words’ are but two of many that sit in a vocabulary and we say them to each other without carrying them into how we live. In other words not actioning ourselves what we are wiling to say to others.
Here we go again – it is that simple, great call Raymond. What we expect our children to be, we have to live and practise with ourselves as role models for love. It is the total other way that is promoted and lived at schools and kindergartens. We can be the change in living it the way we know is possible, this quality we will reflect to our next generation. That is a huge responsibility, but is the only way to forward with LOVE.
Raymond those last few words are fantastic- ‘and the rest just flows’. How simple and easy it can be when we surrender to who we naturally are and let others be themselves too.
This is huge Raymond, the way parenting has been made to be is that we are to focus on our children and only if there is any time left should we then bring attention to ourselves. Caring for ourselves first, seeing how we are acting first and foremost is not what society deem the way to be a parent and of course as so many do air out their feeling of exhaustion and despair, having this completely different approach shows us that self responsibility is vital and very important for us and others equally.
Yes Amina this is huge – an absolutely revelatory game changer! I see so many exhausted parents who then no doubt get frustrated which passes onto their kids. The only way I have found that works in combatting this is to lovingly self care.
‘if we want improvement in “parenting or grand-parenting” bring it home to how we are and from there the rest just flows and no need to do anything.” Thank you Ray, very wise words.
Hello Julie, thank you and you could relate to the wider world as well. If we want to see change or ‘improvement’ you could say, “bring it home to how we are and from there the rest just flows and no need to do anything.”
I agree Raymond, and I love the wisdom in it. How often did I choose to live different, there are so many beliefs and ideals in my head how to be as a mother that it feels like firstly having to dig through a thick layer of mud in order to be able to feel what is meant by loving myself. But getting aware of these patterns supported me tremendously in my understanding of who I am and naturally supported my daughter in being more herself, which had as a consequence that she started to take responsibility for herself, her life and the tasks in them without me dictating her anything.
What you are sharing here Raymond is spot on. As a society at large we need to relook at how we approach parenting, there is till a focus on it being something rather than a quality that we live inside that is then felt by everything and everyone that comes across us, thanks for this reminder.
Hello Sarah and the only way we can ‘take this to society’ is from how we live. You walk out just talking what we are saying here and you will be just another of hundreds of thousands telling a story. You put this on the ground and walk it in your ever breath and there is a point of change. It may not be noticed straight away but appreciate the difference you see, no matter how small. In time the momentum of true appreciation will kick in and you will be pulled along and many things will open up. The world is ready we just need to open up to the fact.
“We aren’t there to tell the children the meaning of life we are there to live life in front of them from a quality. This quality they see and feel and they are inspired to do the same.” And that’s it in a nutshell Raymond, thank you. Regardless of what we say, as children we absorb the living examples of the world around us, we copy the quality and actions of others first, pay attention to what is said later. The quality of how we live is felt immediately, so when an adult focuses on ensuring the quality of their choices, actions, movement and words matches the intention to raise a child with love, job done.
When I have allowed myself to feel into my childhood I realise that much of what I absorbed were ideals that were communicated without words but through the actions and quality of my parents and others around me. You are right Rowena – these were not always communicated in words but what was imposed/shared/believed were nonetheless communicated very loudly and the quality was felt all of the time before anything was uttered. When we do not pay attention to our quality or think that our thoughts and relationship to self only affects us then we absolutely have to think again. If the focus in a family is on making a better life rather than a loving one, eventually a child will subscribe to those ideals (especially if that is being reinforced within our education system) and will subscribe to that quality whatever that quality may be.
So true Michelle and how often are we actually encouraged to stop and examine the quality of our upbringing before we have children, to see if what we have been raised with is what we actually want to pass onto our kids. As you say, focussing on a better life does not equal a loving life. The difference is immense because it creates two different approaches. Making life better can be very convoluted and self-centered, making life about love incorporates everyone including ourselves as we learn to build a fundamental platform of love, honesty and integrity within ourselves from which to live each day and engage in the world.
Raymond I can feel how effortless parenting is in the way that you have described it ‘so if we want improvement in “parenting or grand-parenting” bring it home to how we are and from there the rest just flows and no need to do anything’ as opposed to my many years of trying to impart wisdom to my son from an exhausted and frustrated body.
A great reminder for all, ‘ I can’t truly do something for my children that first hasn’t been ‘done’ for myself and so if I love my children so much that level of love will need to be first in my body. ‘ This is the case for everything, how can we share what we don’t have to share.
…..”we are there to live life in front of them from a quality”. All my life I thought responsibility was a dull and loaded word that meant I had to do my tax returns properly, service my car regularly and pay my bills on time – yeah sure these things are important but today the curtain has been pulled back and I realise there is responsibility in every choice I make throughout my day, I am a student of life, constantly learning and following the example of my children, curious not critical.
Children learn so fast because the child’s way of being “curious – not critical” is an expansive and effective way to learn, we can all do that with a change of attitude.
There is so much wisdom in what you have expressed here Raymond. So often we can take it out on our loved ones and then behave in an opposite way with those outside the home. How we are in the home we take with us every where we go as it is impossible to leave it behind because ‘every thing is energy.’ This is a great reminder of the quality I am in, in every moment whether it is in the home or outside of it, as it has impact on those and every thing around me and that is my responsibility.
I have had experiences where I have been driven at work only to realise I have been so because I recognise the energy more when I come home. It is a quality that doesn’t feel very pleasant in the body but it is highlighted because I see how it plays out with my children. I am far less open and loving with them than normal, and so I am encouraged to work on that part of me that simply needs to let go of the control at work and allow the processes in place to do what they need to. A stark reminder that the quality I am in every moment has an impact that either harms or heals.
Susan thankfully what you have shared is so very true ‘it’s never too late to learn and express from love’. If it weren’t then I would be devastated considering the way that I have parented and been in relationships in the past.
Very true Alexis, one of the greatest hurts to overcome is the guilt of knowing we were not there 100% percent for our children and that we were not perfect. As Michelle has so beautifully shared it is not about being perfect, it is about being open to what gets in the way of loving without need and recognition. What a beautiful opportunity life gives us, the reflection to constantly grow in love and let go of what is not.
Hello Laura B, I wonder if that is a trick, “one of the greatest hurts to overcome is the guilt of knowing we were not there 100% percent for our children and that we were not perfect.” So you spend time ‘overcoming’ or working through this hurt while in those moments still not being fully there with your children or anyone else for that matter. I’m not saying you don’t need to deal with the things that come or are in your way but it is where you deal with them from that would seem important. So you would need to be solid in the way you live and dedicate to that, so anything you do comes with that deep connection to what you are feeling. Possibly less time working on your ‘stuff’ and more time connecting to what is around you would bring a walk to you that takes care of everything with you ‘doing’ a thing.
I love this Raymond, it is so true that we can spend so much time and energy indulging in our hurts and trying to fix things instead of committing to and building the relationship with ourselves. When something does arise we are then in a solid, connected place to deal with it and move on.
Alexis, I feel the same about what Susan has shared ‘ it is never too late to learn and express from love.’ From this wisdom, I know not to give up on self and others.
So true Alexis. Every moment offers a new opportunity. Going into guilt or regret is just a way to deny taking responsibility for what we know is needed in each moment – our resistance to making the changes we know we can make to stop the momentum we are in. Changing past behaviours is often challenging, but always worth it.
Oh I so get that Alexis, I can forever beat myself up for what I haven’t done for and with my kids. But I have done the best I could, I loved them in the only way I knew how till I was shown more. My intention has not changed from the will to be love with them, it is just that my understanding of what being love with them is has deepened beyond recognition for me!!
I completely relate to what you say here, Lucy and love how you say “My intention has not changed from the will to be love with them, it is just that my understanding of what being love with them is has deepened.” Yes my understanding now of what love is has changed and therefore naturally how I am with myself and my children has changed. Thank you, something to appreciate.
So important Lucy to role model that we can only make loving choices when that foundation of love is built within our own bodies.
Absolutely agree Susan. There is always more we can learn about parenting, regardless of how old our children are, and as you say it’s never too late. We can learn from our children in the same way that they can learn from us.
Absolutely Susan. I feel I am always learning and unfolding what I deeply so know to be true inside- especially in regards to parenting. Lately I have been feeling the more I openly speak and hold my daughter in the fact that she does know a deep wisdom as we all do- then I can be loving, look after her but also hold her responsibly for being all the love she is able to express.
This is the way for true parenting, great sharing Johanna, our kids can be the parents sometimes, as well as they hold the truth equally so, and sometimes even clearer than the parents.
This is a concept that many may not want to know or hear, but having understanding that we are all equally responsible for what we do, say and think changes the whole dynamics and opens ourselves up to really constitute what we feel is true and or needed in each moment.
Hello Johanna and what you are saying is this is a two way street. We can only hold and speak to the depth of love we are first. So the most responsible thing as a parent and person would be to continue to go deeper into the way we are living. If we keep watching how our children are reacting, good and bad and then choosing something to make it look better then this would seem to be more of the same. Absolutely use what you see as a confirmation of what you are first doing for yourself but not as a picture of what you want. It would seem we are always looking outside for things to be better without first just deeply nailing what we are here to do and then magically everything is pulled to be of the same quality. Parenting comes always back to how the parent is, in other words how they live with themselves first.
I agree with you Raymond -“Parenting comes always back to how the parent is, in other words how they live with themselves first. We cannot get away from that fact.
I’m not yet a parent or grandparent but can feel such a difference from reading this. It occurs to me that it is not just children within our own immediate families that benefit from parenting like this but all of those that we come into contact with.
Absolutely Susan – I don’t have grandchildren yet, and even though I’m well past the baby / young child stage (several of my children have already having moved out!), I’m finding there is always something to learn about love, and bringing love to those relationships.
ME too Susan
this is a fresh perspective and one that i can relate to, having been working on doing this myself. over many years. I had so much to let go of and detach from. I am now finding a way to just let go more and more of the kids and let them be. its very freeing to know we don’t need to be controlling them, just allowing them space to grow and always hold them in the understanding that they are born enough and don’t need to prove anything to anyone.