I had always hoped I would have children one day. As I got older and was approaching my mid-thirties I had started to give up on the idea that it would happen and felt quite sad about it. I had always been very much caught up in the ideal or need of having children and there was a big void in my life, something missing that I felt perhaps children could fill up or distract me from.
I can hardly credit it now but I had some very different ideas back then about what having a baby meant:
• That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.
Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it. There was a big part of me that felt empty and needy which I had not fully admitted to myself before.
I now knew that having children was not going to make this go away.
I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me. In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.
What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?
To get to this point however, I had to get to a level of self-acceptance first and a deep appreciation for my own unique loving expression. I knew I couldn’t really offer a foundation of love to a child when my body was still rigid with deeply held hurts, resentments, sadness and emptiness.
I have now healed many of the hurts that have kept me locked within the self-perception of feeling less or not good enough which caused the emptiness I had felt and had left me feeling in constant tension. I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn. I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.
As my children have grown, now aged 5 and 7, I have noticed a huge shift within myself as I have become more committed to me and to life. I certainly do not see my children in any capacity of having to serve out any of my needs or to confirm me in any way. This is something I am committed to owning – to honestly feel what is going on for me and to work out where the gaps in love are for myself and where my negative choices have the potential to keep playing out.
This huge shift has come about with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. With my increasing awareness of what the different tensions in my body have been/are about, and a deep inner knowing that how I was living my life was far from the potential of the love that is within me that is natural to express, I have learnt to sift through my un-communicated feelings, articulate them and am letting them go – one by one.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.
So now I have seen that having children is a great opportunity to:
• Know when to step in and take a step back,
• Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,
• Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,
• Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,
• Hold them more deeply in love and just observe – in this space they see for themselves whether the choices they make are loving or not,
• Hand trust in themselves back to them so they are not needy of anything from outside,
• Support them to understand what they need to work on and/or let go of, to be the greater love that they naturally are,
• Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.
Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.
I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.
I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.
After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.
As a responsible parent I continue to let go of any investment in this particular outcome, freeing up more space for more observation and more love and support – truly getting out of the way and allowing them the freedom to evolve at their own pace.
By Michelle McWaters
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Motherhood & Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love
1,077 Comments
=’The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.’ Beautifully said Michelle, for evefever expanding and enriching.
‘What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?’ This would be the most beautiful beginning for any child.
Michelle your blog makes me think how much we can prepare for true parenting in our general daily lives and also during pregnancy. How different things could it be if we embraced the blessed responsibility of raising our children to live great lives, to know who they are, to know they are enough just being themselves, to know they belong to humanity and to know their path and purpose within all of this. What if True Parenting started with the way we parent ourselves to know and live these things, and then by the virtue of our own lived ways we will naturally be able to share and inspire all this with our children . I think this would be world-changing for sure.
I agree Jeannette, parenting begins with ourselves, the way in which we nurture, love and support ourselves is something beautiful our children can then learn through osmosis just by being around us.
Such a great point Jeanette, preparing for true parenting begins way before conception and way way before birth.
‘The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.’
So beautiful and true Michelle – for how can we possibly bring care to another if we are lacking care for ourselves?
I totally agree Rachael, it begins with us and the children observe and take it all in, they don’t miss a beat. It’s really wonderful when you can let go of expectations and focus on the love that we are and which we can bring so easily.
Quite simply Rachael, we can’t! The level of love and care we have for ourselves is what we bring to all that we do and to how we are in all of our relationships.
Absolutely – I love how children innately know if you are faking it or not, they have this amazing radar for anything you say or ask that you do not already live yourself.
The purpose of parenting is a great topic we can all (parents or not) benefit from reflecting on and discussing as there are so many reason behind why we parent and lots of these affect how we parent.
And this includes parenting our own or other peoples children, as well as ourselves.
I agree Julie – we all have a responsibility towards children to reflect to them a true way of being to support them to stay with this feeling within themselves.
I agree Michael by speaking to children about how they are feeling and by living in a way that gives them the reflection of a true way of being we can support children not to leave themselves in order to fit in but to honour and trust what they are feeling in their bodies.
That is so important what you say here Fiona. To support them to honor and trust what all our children all over the world are feeling in their body by a holding of love and understanding.
I love that we all hold a responsibility, not just to our children but to all children. It feels so important to recognise that a child is raised by so much more than just their 2 parents, but by everyone around them, and the community they’re brought up in, It really highlights to me that we are basically one human family, and we need to work together to make it work.
Yes Julie, we all have a responsibility to parent children whether they are ours or not, to meet them as equals to ourselves and not to speak down to them or make them feel less. If we were all living this way children would be given far more space to express the amazingness of who they are.
Yes parenting ourselves is very key Julie in knowing how to parent and support others.
I would appreciate such a discussion Abby as it could help to get an deeper understanding what parenting also mean and on top of it it would help to break some of the ideals and believes around parenting.
Michelle, I love the fact that even though you realised that your initial reason for wanting children was to fill an emptiness, this didn’t stop you from having children. You could have held off having children until you had filled your emptiness which could be experienced as wanting some kind of perfection before moving forward. Instead you held this in your awareness so that this did not affect your parenting style, and you did not impose this on your children. It is possible to work on our own issues while continuing with life. We do not have to put life on hold!
That is a great point Rebecca, the idea that I have to be somewhere to be able to do something is very capping. I am also learning that when I make a choice and afterwards realise it wasn’t a true choice as in out of need or something, I can re-imprint my intention. As an example I took on a job last week which I felt later was chosen out of a feeling of having to say yes, yet I said yes so did not feel to change it as they were depending on me. Instead of keeping feeling bad about not honouring myself I chose to feel the joy that a day working can bring and it totally changed my situation around it too!
Yes great point Rebecca! Imagine if we all waited until we reached some illusionary pinnacle before we could start truly living our lives? Everyone would be in limbo creating huge delay for themselves and everyone around them – maybe this is the way many of us are living now to some degree.
Yes Kate and Rebecca – the perfectionist ideal is a huge delayer and worse than plateau-er. And the seductive part is that it looks so good, so worthy. How so many of us have been fooled!
How many Mums suffer a difficult decade at the hands of being a “perfect Mum”, living up to ideals and pictures that take them away from the innate knowing they have of how to be a woman first, and a Mum second. Every child needs role models, and a Mum who knows who she is by listening to her own wise words first and foremost is a wonderful role model.
So true Rebecca we will never reach that perfect point where we have sorted everything so the answer is to have the willingness to work on our issues whilst living responsibly to the best of our ability. I have held myself back in many situations feeling that I had not yet reached a point where I was healed enough to do x, y or z, recognising that this has a level of comfort in it and overcoming my fear of being exposed has been challenging but the more I am able to love myself for where I am at, the more I can let go of any need for perfection and allow situations to evolve.
‘Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,’ there is such love in this statement, the care to not belittle another after a mistake is indeed a precious gift.
Yes Michelle, this is true in all relationships and is so empowering for a child to experience that it is OK to make mistakes, as these children will become the adults that will not accept another to belittle them for a mistake as they have been allowed to and feel it is OK to make mistakes whilst they were growing up.
‘In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.’ To be aware and acknowledge this is very responsible and how wonderful for your children to be raised by parents with this understanding as it can feel so crushing otherwise.
It requires what for many would be an immensely raw amount of honesty to consider the reasons why we wish to have children. There is no doubt that for many children are a way to distract from issues that we may not have dealt with in our lives and for others they can be a source of comfort and pride. But I love the idea of raising children without need for recognition or reward, the only reward being seeing a child you raise become a loving independent adult that is able to manage life and who can retain that essence of divine joy without becoming too affected by the cruelty that is our current global way.
I agree Stephen – questioning the reasons people have for choosing to have children can almost seem like a ‘no go’ area in our current society but in truth is such an important area to look at as this provides the footing onto which we are born.
True. Many of us would not dare admit the true reasons we chose to have children as this would be hugely exposing of what we need to address within ourselves.
“I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again”, this is beautiful Michelle. Children have such wisdom and the way of expressing themselves truthfully and naturally, without all the complications we make as adults. they teach us to return to simplicity.
Simplicity and responsibility – key words for life.
Wise words Matilda – knowing you as I do, you are a master of both.
This is an outstanding blog and one that should feature in a mother/parenting magazine. I love the honesty you share Michelle, about the journey from ‘needy’ parenting to the realisation of true and supportive parenting. So many can relate to this, including myself, I am yet to have children but can feel the want and need for them are there as a filler or to give purpose to life. Much of what you listed was spot on for me and very exposing, especially wanting the recognition in my family since none of my siblings or cousins have had kids yet so I would be the first! How crazy and it feels so liberating to list all the reasoning behind the want for kids, clear them out and have space to feel the truth of what parenting can offer.
Awesome Rachael! I share similar feelings around the topic of children, and it really does feel good to see the ‘need’ list and realise that actually, it’s the last thing I want…to impose my need on to another.
Believing that motherhood is going to fill a void of love is a very easy path to depression, especially in the post natal period. If there are expectations set up around what a woman is going to feel or experience, especially post birth, and if/when they are not met – this has the capability to cause much emotional distress. Women need to be supported instead to understand that the process of giving birth and becoming a mother comes naturally from the connection to themselves first. From this place of nurturing and stillness, the relationship with their baby is allowed to more naturally develop, without the pictures and expectations that can otherwise be quite stifling.
Amelia that is an amazing point and a blog within itself. It is so true that many of us are unconsciously expecting that having a child will resolve our emptiness or our self-worth issues but the truth is only our love for self can do that, something that needs to be shared worldwide so we can begin to see that true parenting always starts with ourselves first.
Michelle what an amazing topic and discussion you have brought up for everyone brilliant to read and sharing that you have come to for yourself and that “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.” beautiful and a inspiration for all to see.
Maybe I felt the neediness of my parents as a child and this emptiness set me up for being “good” in the world. But no matter how young I was, it is always my responsibility what I take on board from outside.
Great to share from a child’s perspective Felix. When our parents live their lives through us the child feels this expectation and pressure which inhibits them from being free to naturally evolve as who they truly are.
We so often hear the term ‘Responsible Parenting’ yet rarely does it involve the deepening connection with oneself and thus with our children. “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.” And so there is the joy in this loving connection and the support for them to develop and deepen their own expression of this quality in the world.
This is a profound point you’ve highlighted Rosanna – to me it seems like it’s all about the children and our relationships with them and never really a focus on the parent as a person first. We are all people, human, man and woman before we are the carer, parent or guardian so the relationship with a true sense of self is super important and makes sense. I really love this blog and how it gets me thinking about true parenting.
Also we all have relationships with the children in our lives, not just those who are our biological children. This bond is there in a very simple way as soon as we realise that we are all in this life together.
There is so much more to parenting than simply following a biological urge or to continue the genes, it is about working with humanity to help us all evolve. When we are responsible for others as a parent, that responsibility includes treating them as equals, listening to their wisdom, not imposing ours upon them.
This is such a huge ideal and belief to expose Michelle – the notion that to be a mother and have children will complete any woman or family for that matter. But I love what you share here about bringing children into the world as a way to be responsible and support them to be the fullness of who they are.
As I prepare myself to bring a child into the world, I too have been working on letting go completely of this ‘mother role’ and rather seeing it as an amazing opportunity to support another. I used to have thoughts on a bad day at work that if I had kids that would be easier because I wouldn’t have to work – I let that one go a long time ago and now appreciate that I will be a constant reflection to my child to about what it is to be a parent, be responsible and committed to life.
This feels like a hugely inspiring chapter and I can feel the support already.
Michelle, how beautiful and empowering to read of your parenting experiences. What an inspiration you are. What jumps out at me is the level of responsibility you have chosen in your willingness to deal with your own issues and not impose any emotional neediness or expectations onto your children – awesome! What a wonderful foundation for a child to grow, knowing their worth and expressing from this the love that they are in the world. Society would certainly look and feel very different to what we are experiencing now.
“My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.”
The equality in this is truly inspiring Michelle and proves beyond doubt that if we allow it, we are all teachers.
Yes Lucinda the equality that Michelle brings to her parenting is inspirational and demonstrates how much our children can teach us if we just allow it.
As I look back on life, I can see how much wisdom children have to offer, and how often they want to be heard, they want to connect, and they want to share their joy and enthusiasm with us all.
“In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.” Indeed Michelle, what a contract this is, loaded with conditions and so capping of the of the glorious alchemy, that can be lived amongst each other.
As my eldest child grows in to a stupendous young adult, I am constantly amazed by how when our eyes meet there is still the essence of the person I saw when he was a baby. I look and I see him still there, now in a larger body and articulating differently, but it is him. And I love him for who he is undoubtedly, fully-commited and without end. there is nothing he can do to impress me or to gain my affection, because I am already so impressed with his every day, and already so open and willing to pour endless affection when it is called for. I see this person as someone I have the incredible fortune to live with, to be inspired by and to learn from and with. I see him as my responsibility to care for and to nurture to the best of my ability, but who he is needs no work, he is already complete and whole. So, we live very much as equals with eachother. And I love that he is able to accept that.
It amazes me when we are really truthful and honest how much emotional love there is in the world, love coming from need is completely different from love coming from true unconditional love, though many of us are not brought up that way and then continue to parent that way too. What Michelle has done has broken the need cycle and instead has chosen true love. Thank you Michelle, for when one chooses truth it lights the way for others.
Yes, once we all start our lives knowing what true love really is the world will change.
Thank you Michelle, your commitment to true love and constantly refining and building its expression in your life is inspiring. I especially love how you said – “I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.”
“What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?” – this is it Michelle, parenting is about evolving a person back towards embracing their own wisdom and them carrying this on to all those they meet to inspire the same quality they’ve been inspired and raised by. .. Although I don’t have kids, in dealing with my own beliefs or ideals, have understood over time that having kids really stems from quality of the relationship I have with myself first, and that it contains self-love, not self-interested need.. to ‘carry on the genes, tradition, name, look, produce grandkids’ – as what good are those genes etc. if they are not with thee essential aspect of love?
In essence and looked at this way, parenting is first and foremost about taking responsibility – a responsibility for humanity’s evolving in love or truth since all of us collectively make up our one race (and so it makes sense that raising kids is a collective, not singular biologically-assigned experience too). So often having kids does not carry this greater purpose, but of need , void or emptiness filling, and it’s no surprise that we have such dysfunction in families, communities, societies, and workplaces, economies.
“I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn.” Control can come in so many guises, insidiously…not always in what we say but in our body language and the energy we come with as well…and yes, there are many layers, many masks of control to peel away, but well worth the journey to so much more freedom, lightness, joy and natural flow in life.
Amazing and true post on parenting Michelle, love the honesty and also exposing of the beliefs that so many women do hold, myself included during my 20’s and 30’s, in regards having your own children. Ultimately parenting is about equalness (not ownership), no matter the age or size of the person… once there is the understanding then this understanding can be communicated and expressed in the way it needs to be whether the person is aged 3 or 30 years. The equalness remains, instead of a up-down or pedestal relationship that’s so often grown up with.
“In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.” This expectation we have of others to fill our void for us is the foundation of many relationships…it is an unrealistic expectation as no-one can fill that void in the way we want it filled – we are the only ones who can love ourselves the way we want love to be.
And often relationships fail because expectations aren’t met and we move onto another relationship hoping the next person will be ‘the one’ to meet our expectations…a set-up bound to consistently fail until we look at the void – as you so eloquently share here Michelle.
The craving of love forms a very strong emotional bond between people and especially between parents and children and creates dependency and nurtures mistrust. Michelle identifies to not want or need anything from your child, as a factor of a truly loving relationship. Developing that relationship first with oneself, then allows parenting to be a powerful confirmation of that ongoing choice, because children respond very clearly to being met, held equally with love yet not pandered to or imposed on by neediness or its bedfellow, control.
Being raised by a emotional neediness disguised as love sets the child up for having dysfunctional relationships throughout life, particularly the one with self.
As I was growing up, getting married and having children is what you did. In reflection I realise there was no conscious thought or feeling about what this really meant or the love that would be lived in our family. Pondering this and coming to the truth that I did not know what ‘loving me’ was at that time, I am now re-connecting to who I am and expanding that love outwardly. It is never too late to bring our expanding and full love to others in all relationships. It’s time to live the future we want now.
‘I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.’ Beautiful words, Michelle, should be on the fridge of every home, plus one for the children ‘I see my role as a human being to know who I am, to appreciate myself in full for everything I bring, and to take full responsibility for expressing everything I am all of the time, so that others can feel it and, despite any reactions I may get in return, to hold steady no matter what.’
Carmel…a new business in fridge magnets? I would very much appreciate both of those reminders on my fridge 🙂
I absolutely love this Carmel! I am definitely sharing this with my children…
I like your idea Carmel. It made me think of marriage vows and what we are bringing to the relationship … but we don’t do the same when we bring chiildren into it. Looking back, for me that holds a deeper and renewed level of commitment to the marriage and the family unit which is very much needed in the world.
Yes a very interesting idea Susan! I wonder what vows we would choose if we had to make them before getting pregnant?
This blog puts into words what I think a lot of women feel – if you don’t have children, that you are a failure or incomplete because you don’t have a little person to love you unconditionally. But it also articulates that some women who have had children still may feel that this emptiness they thought would be filled by having kids hasn’t gone away. I love this line: “I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me”.
Agree Jessica, love that line too — and there’s nothing worse in any relationship than to feel the burden of expectation which creates a pressure to deliver, ultimately causing a strain and later resentment that can lead to a parting of what otherwise had such great initiating potential. Far better to have a nurtured relationship with self to create the space for a flourishing and natural blossoming instead of an overcrowding with weeds to suffocate the beauty.
A very wise woman I know said recently that parenting is a process of ‘constant renunciation’. That is, a constant letting go of the belief systems based on all the ‘should’s’ and levels of need in our relationships with our children that still exist so predominantly today.
Michelle, your beautiful piece here honours that completely – how the relationship you have with your children, and the responsibility you take is one of a consistent willingness to be aware of how your children can be deeply supported in life and to let go of the attachments to them being a lived ‘definition’ of their parents, and rather, let them come into their own.
I am truly touched by the love permeating your every word, and the level of responsibility you take in honouring these precious beings in your charge, that they may be and express all that they innately are in this world.
I agree Victoria, but we also need to be careful not to idealise this way of being either otherwise it is just another consciousness (and perhaps a more insidious one) we then have to contend with.
‘Parenting is a process of ‘constant renunciation’. I LOVE that, instead of accumulating more and more things we should and shouldn’t do, renouncing those beliefs that control our whole life and starting afresh.
Gosh we all have so many pictures of how life should be, but really they just stop us connecting with each other, particularly as parents and children. Children may be young in years, but they are old in wisdom.
I agree Heather and the pictures keep us chasing everything else but “connecting with each other”. Is life really that simple, no need for anything else but a moment by moment connection that leads to the next moment and the next etc. So if for example you are a parent, all you need to is truly connect to your children and do what you feel from this in the next moment. If we hold pictures in front of us then we usual push things to fit into that picture. This isn’t and has never worked but yet we keep trying to make it better. Time to stop and simple truly connect and watch the whole world open up in front of you, no picture.
I agree Heather.. so often the parent, because they are older in years, feel that they know more, know better or are simply entitled to treat their children any way they please. The picture held is that the child knows nothing, is innocent, unworldly and needs to be protected. As you say this simply stops us from connecting to one another – one because the parent is unable to see exactly what is there before them and to confirm the love that the child is, and two because a child regarded as less often goes in to blame, resentment or rebellion unwilling to take responsibility for personal choices made. The whole relationship can then become one of an endless cycle of un-dealt with hurts on both sides.
“Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do’
So often we do not value the wisdom in the things our children share with us. We as parents use knowledge and experience as a form of control but they have much to teach us if we are open to learning.
A great sharing, Michelle.
This is a beautiful and honest blog about parenting, Michelle and most of the tips and revelations you share here are really useful not only for parenting but for relationships in general.
I agree with that in full Judith. There is a particular and deep responsibility inherent in being a parent, yet ultimately what Michelle has described is the quality of true relationships – where each person (whatever their age) is seen for who they are, and we, by virtue of the responsibility we take for our own lives and actions, bring all of who we are to the relationship. No perfection ever expected, but the true foundation that is willing to assess and review anything at all that may impinge upon that relationship, and foster the growth of all that truly nourishes it.
It is particularly poignant here, to feel just what this offers our children and the generations to come.
You have shared so much gold here Michelle. I can relate to what you have said and am continuing to deepen my relationship with my daughter in this way – letting go of expectations or the way I think things should be, to allow and support her to be herself and in doing this, I am able to be more myself. A beautiful and powerful sharing.
When we are free of these pictures we aspire to, its like we get to see that any position or situation in life, is here to inspire us to choose Love. When you support yourself and all others to know we are amazing before any thing we do, you bring a wisdom and care that is like a mother to us all Michelle.
I love this line Michelle. ‘Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less.’ This to me has become so key in honouring the beautiful and precious little souls my children are. I often see children ridiculed or put down or held as less by parents and I know I’ve done this in the past to mine but remembering how much it hurt me to be spoken to in this way as a child and not met for the brilliance I am even as I stuff up or observing what it feels like to see this done to anyone, I know I do not ever want to behave this way again. We all make silly choices at times but being honoured no matter what as we learn is so much needed and supportive so we can see through to make a better choice next time or else we feel bad about ourselves which serves no one.
There are so many different reasons people choose to bring children into the world, and so many are for their own gain and needs, but what better way to choose to have a child than for the purpose of it knowing love and always having the support to know and be theirselves?
Agreed Meg. Having reflected on this much in recent times, I agree with Michelle’s sharing here about the amount of personal need/longing for fulfilment that can come into play in the consideration of having a child.
What she has shared here about knowingly offering a foundation of love, that has already been built within oneself and the relationship of the parents (if two will be involved), is a powerful statement of truth. Many of us may take some time to truly ‘get’ to this, letting go our personal needs for they can be so strong, yet the knowing of this truth offers a marker. As Michelle herself is steered by in her life – which is truly beautiful, and groundbreaking for the way we ‘parent’ on the planet.
It brings the question – what truly is life about? And what is the purpose of bringing up children? Is it a self fulfilling prophecy, or is it giving a child the chance to know and live the absolute grandness that they are inherently born with.
The purpose of parenting – is it something that we ever really consider? Apart from attempting to curb teen pregnancy, the debates around abortion and the pressures of how to be a ‘good’ parent, the actual reasons for having a child are rarely discussed past the fact its just something you do when your relationship gets to that point. But what if we genuinely thought about why we are bringing children into the world, and the responsibility do so entails.
Rebecca I can really relate to what you are sharing here. It feels to me that very few of us actually go deeper with our understanding of why we wish to have children. There is so much that is unsaid about the feelings bubbling away under the surface, and because it is unsaid it falls away under the radar of conscious awareness and we revert back to conforming to societal expectations without really thinking about the bigger picture or the impact our choice to not be aware has on all around us.
Wise words Rebecca and Michelle…how different would society be if children were taught of the bigger picture from very young.
Absolutely Rebecca, as a young woman growing up, not having kids was never not an option, i always thought it would happen, like second nature it was expected…. that I never stopped to really consider this aspect at all – the purpose of parenting, and importantly – my role in it, but was more focused on ticking a box, that when it didn’t happen or wasn’t looking likely to happen, on an unconscious and everyday lived level, carried the impression of not feeling truly ‘worth it’ ‘less’ in some way, a ‘disappointment’ or not a ‘real woman filling my role and duty to produce’. So if i was carrying all this, then in what way would I be raising a child, and imparting a message? Discussing this purpose of parenting and life itself I feel as being essential conversation from a young age such to not have the carried tension of expectation as a child-bearing woman, or fathering man.
Hello Rebecca and what a great point, “why we are bringing children into the world, and the responsibility do so entails.” From the discussions thus far it would seem most of the reasons for bringing children into the world have been self centred and have nothing truly to do with the child. This could be something that school brings us or even a community discussion like we have here. As you are saying we discussed everything else but and I wonder if this isn’t in a way deliberate.
I loved reading your article, Michelle, it is a beautiful tribute to the relationship parents – children. The way you let them be themselves in their space and encourage them to speak up and to be aware of their feelings is gorgeous. A must read for all parents and parents to be. And for everybody else for that matter, because you are describing a way of being with other people of all ages, family or not. We’re talking love in the true sense of the word.
PS: I absolutely LOVE that photo. So playful and joy-full. Gorgeous!