I had always hoped I would have children one day. As I got older and was approaching my mid-thirties I had started to give up on the idea that it would happen and felt quite sad about it. I had always been very much caught up in the ideal or need of having children and there was a big void in my life, something missing that I felt perhaps children could fill up or distract me from.
I can hardly credit it now but I had some very different ideas back then about what having a baby meant:
• That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.
Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it. There was a big part of me that felt empty and needy which I had not fully admitted to myself before.
I now knew that having children was not going to make this go away.
I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me. In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.
What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?
To get to this point however, I had to get to a level of self-acceptance first and a deep appreciation for my own unique loving expression. I knew I couldn’t really offer a foundation of love to a child when my body was still rigid with deeply held hurts, resentments, sadness and emptiness.
I have now healed many of the hurts that have kept me locked within the self-perception of feeling less or not good enough which caused the emptiness I had felt and had left me feeling in constant tension. I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn. I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.
As my children have grown, now aged 5 and 7, I have noticed a huge shift within myself as I have become more committed to me and to life. I certainly do not see my children in any capacity of having to serve out any of my needs or to confirm me in any way. This is something I am committed to owning – to honestly feel what is going on for me and to work out where the gaps in love are for myself and where my negative choices have the potential to keep playing out.
This huge shift has come about with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. With my increasing awareness of what the different tensions in my body have been/are about, and a deep inner knowing that how I was living my life was far from the potential of the love that is within me that is natural to express, I have learnt to sift through my un-communicated feelings, articulate them and am letting them go – one by one.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.
So now I have seen that having children is a great opportunity to:
• Know when to step in and take a step back,
• Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,
• Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,
• Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,
• Hold them more deeply in love and just observe – in this space they see for themselves whether the choices they make are loving or not,
• Hand trust in themselves back to them so they are not needy of anything from outside,
• Support them to understand what they need to work on and/or let go of, to be the greater love that they naturally are,
• Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.
Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.
I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.
I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.
After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.
As a responsible parent I continue to let go of any investment in this particular outcome, freeing up more space for more observation and more love and support – truly getting out of the way and allowing them the freedom to evolve at their own pace.
By Michelle McWaters
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Motherhood & Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love
1,077 Comments
Michelle how fascinating would it be to ask parents what they considered the ‘purpose of parenting’ to be. Wow I can’t even begin to imagine the range of responses and yet I feel that in years to come we will all hold a very similar view and that is to bring up children that will contribute to the co creation of life everywhere.
An interesting question Alexis! It would indeed be fascinating to get the answers.
I love how this blog points out the many ideals and beliefs that can lie behind the motivation to have kids. Most often these aspects are subconsciously lurking in the shadows without realisation of the self fulfilling need which is quite a bit for children to have to feel coming through their parents.
Michelle this blog is rich of many supportive ways to allow children to be who they are… this one I particularly love “Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.” – With this everyone is left just being who they are, no trying involved just the love of what’s true which exposes any choices that are not love, lovingly so.
And that is what I sometimes used to call the art of life, when we are able to let each other being just who they are. The only way I am able to live this art of life is only to surrender to be just who I am and to let go of any expectation or belief that I held on me being me.
…And how simple this makes life – truly an art.
This is a really honest revealing blog uncovering what is really going on in parenting in the world and where we can all aspire and work towards in changing this by simply loving ourselves and the purpose of us all being here. The comments offer so much also and the understanding of reincarnation really offers us a clear picture and understanding to it all . Thank you Michelle an amazing offering for humanity.
Beautiful blog Michelle. I love how you paint out the purpose of true parenting. As we are all mothers and fathers to many children, this article is for everybody.
So true Willem, our responsibility extends far beyond blood family.
Yes Willem your comment reminds me of a Yoruba saying ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child.’ The basic meaning is that child upbringing is a communal effort and that’s how we used to do it. We do all have a part to play in the raising of our young, whether we have biological children or not.
Beautiful honest blog thank you Michelle, I love the way you explore here all the dysfunctional reasons we can want children rather than simply providing that foundation for another to evolve.
I love how you’ve spoke about holding yourself steady when your children make “daft choices so they don’t feel belittled or less,”. This is the power of holding ourselves with absolute love, and understanding, knowing there can be no perfection in our current form. It allows us a steadiness that can then support another to make choices, feel the responsibility of them, yet not be hard on themselves about it (unless of course they choose to).
Yes Amelia this is gold – a parents ability to hold yourself steady regardless of your child’s choices so that they are able to feel the full consequences of their choices.
Thank you Michelle for sharing your personal insights regarding the purpose of parenting. I realize, when we are not connected to ourselves, we try to fill our inner void with everything, no matter what – having children is one possibility. In this case it is not about the children at all, in this moment we don’t want to feel our hurts. How you have turned your life around, it is just amazing – from a needy person to a full responsible mother of 2 lovely children. That is very inspiring.
Hello Alexander and I agree with all you have said here, “I realise, when we are not connected to ourselves, we try to fill our inner void with everything, no matter what – having children is one possibility” It may sound cold but for me in this context it is true and life becomes an endless ticking of boxes.
And what an inspiration for many others. It is never too late and a past mistake is simply an opportunity to learn.
Indeed Alexander the void fillers come in a mass of different guises but all can be sourced back to our original choice to not live us in full.
As a man I also did think for a long time that my life would not complete if I did not have children ‘of my own’. This is a belief which is not true as a child never truly belongs to somebody. A belief, when carried out, should fulfill my own needs and emptiness, giving me identification. Not a pretty way to ‘use’ children. Now I know, having no children, I can still be a father to many children, as children are for us all to take care of.
Hello Willem and I can relate. Only for me it wasn’t held as a “my life would not complete if I did not have children ‘of my own’.” It was more like I had an internal check list running. Finish school, get a secure job, be liked, be kind is how it started to progress and then I collected other, get friends, keep fit etc. It came to a point where I started to feel funny again even though I had ticked all the boxes and so it was like the next step or thing to get, have children of my own. If I can be brutally honest it was nothing about having children but doing something that was on my internal list, once I had them I again like many other things thought that was it. But sure enough along came that empty feeling and in a panic I turned to the list again, ah another child, a house, a business, a new car, a boat. The list goes on but the feeling didn’t end. Universal Medicine supported me back to have a look at that ’empty feeling’ and then to look at why I had the list and how it was never going to run out until I stopped. We can have all the things we want, it’s the quality of how we are that counts. I love my children not because they are mine but more because they are simply a joy to be with, a blessing.
Raymond you blow me away with your honesty and level of integrity. The awareness you offer in terms of our “internal checklists” is awesome, because let’s face it we all have them/had them. Understanding that this endless list is simply a way to combat the emptiness that keeps us in a never ending cycle of feeling unfulfilled and on a hamster wheel of motion is a key to allowing ourselves to feel the emptiness for what it is – to go there, admit to it and allow ourselves to feel why it is there. With support it is possible to feel what has always been underneath that emptiness – a fullness, a wholeness, a joy and vitality that we chose to reject as children. To support my children to grow up in connection to that vitality and joy and not to sell out to the emptiness is my commitment and dedication to them. I, like you “love my children not because they are mine, but because they are simply a joy to be with , a blessing”.. these words could have been taken out of my mouth! They deserve nothing less than to be in the fullness of their own self acceptance and love.
Hello Michelle, thank you and it is great to see the dedication you have to your children. The dedication you speak of comes for me first to how I am, that then naturally flows everywhere else including to my children. It’s not that nothing can be more important then that it is just I know everything has a foundation or a start from how I am with myself in each moment, otherwise it’s just a better looking checklist. How we are with our children is super important and if everything as we know is connected, then how we are with our neighbour, a stranger in the street all leads back into our other relationships. Everything comes back to how we are with ourselves in every moment which includes then everyone.
Parenting is a big responsibility, as we offer children the first foundation of how to be in life. Next comes comes education. As education is still not learning children to live knowing that they are beautiful just the way they are, parenting becomes even more important. Parenting is something which we can actually change and do in such away that it truly support our children living truly joyfully. Parenting is within our reach.
Hello Willem, and while I agree, I also see that parenting has nothing to do with children and also everything to do with children. Parenting starts with the parents as you know and from there the rest actually takes care of itself. Go and do something for the children so the children learn something and there is already an imbalance that takes what you are saying off track. Walk in your own steps and from there the children follow your lead.
Raymond I so love the wisdom you share. You keep bringing it back to the simplicity of the relationship with self and with nothing more to do. When you express “go and do something for children…” this is the current education model. The imbalance between “the teacher” and “the child” is vast and I see most children crushed by this and all of the impositions this causes. I know from experience I have myself been deeply inspired by those who have steady loving relationships with themselves and who walk their talk. They haven’t had to do anything for me – they have simply shown me through their own living way. The choice to live in a similar way has been mine – not based on what they say or what they do, but how they do it.
Following on from what you have shared Michelle, there is a real humbleness and learning opportunity when a teacher or other adult shares with children that they don’t have all the answers, and are not always right, this is part of a loving equal relationship.
Hello Michelle and the funny thing about this, “They haven’t had to do anything for me – they have simply shown me through their own living way” is the space that is created for you to actually make a choice based on what you feel. In other words we are all apart of any delay, unrest, complications etc we see until a point where we free ourselves of any need we have for others to do things for us. We may say ‘I don’t need anyone to do anything for me’ but there are many subtle layers to this. There are obvious ones and this is one of the subtle ones, parenting, because of the way we have set up the relationship. As a parent, my dedication is to what I feel and what is being reflected to me from the children. I run the house but there is a quality to this and it is the quality of how I am that deepens in every moment.
I love your definition of what the living way is Ray i.e. space to make a choice based on what you feel. To live my life on the foundation of what I feel (not emotions) rather than the ideals and beliefs I have taken on has taken some time to evolve! When I was a child that trust I had in my feelings being true I allowed to be eroded with the impositions of others and the world. Learning that I wasn’t cuckoo and that my feelings are absolutely valid has supported me in my expression of them and to call out what doesn’t feel right to me. When I parent too it has become much easier in expressing to my children what does and doesn’t feel loving in a consistent way, but in a way that recognises they have feelings for what is loving too and space is allowed for that in my lack of imposition on them.
I agree Willem. The responsibility we have as parents is huge. Sadly, and very much to the detriment of our kids, more and more parents are leaving that responsibility to teachers in schools. However, teachers in schools, because of the way the system operates are focussed on delivering the curriculum and are under enormous pressure to do so – they are not parenting kids either. A whole generation of kids is not being met, on any front. We need to open our eyes and be prepared to really see what is going on and how our kids are feeling and how they are relating to the world. It’s not pretty and we as adults need to admit responsibility for this because of the choices we are making.
Lovely article Michelle. You basically show that parenting is no other thing than the relationships we have with other people. Only the responsibility is bigger, because children need to be shown how to be in this world, as that is something they have to learn, whereas grown-ups have somehow already learned that. They were born with you with a reason, so there is a relationship you cannot avoid.
Parenting is one of if not the biggest responsibilities that we can hold. True parenting is about not inflicting our own ideals and beliefs on a child but to hold them in love so that they have the opportunity to grow up being themselves and shine the amazing light that they are. It is through true parenting that we will one day return to brotherhood, because there will be no ownership within parenting and we will eventually feel and see that we are one big family.
This is really beautiful Donna, ‘It is through true parenting that we will one day return to brotherhood, because there will be no ownership within parenting and we will eventually feel and see that we are one big family.’ I can feel at the moment in society it is very much a case of looking after one’s own children and loving them more than other peoples children, I can feel how there is competition between parents about how their children are doing, this doesn’t feel like a true way of being with children, what you share Donna feels very true and very loving and would change everything.
Yes Donna, when we are connected to our fullness we see everyone as our equal brother, as age is not a factor and your only impulse is to do what is needed.
Yes I agree Donna. One day we will see each other as one big family but we can live that future now. I don’t treat any other person’s child any different from my own. I meet them all in the same quality I meet my own children with and it is a joy to know them. I melt just as much and with many of the ones that I know!
It really is lovely to see everyone as one beautiful family, that’s so true.
Hello Michelle and all this comes from a quality we live day in day out. Essentially it matters not how many children we see or meet when it all cycles back to how we are with ourselves and how consistent we meet ourselves. The relationship we have with ourselves first will set the relationship we have with all else after, children included.
Hello Donna and Michelle I agree and true parenting actually has nothing to do with children but does include them as it is an energy, a way of being we hold equally for everyone.
I love that Donna, ” True parenting is about not inflicting our own ideals and beliefs on a child but to hold them in love so that they have the opportunity to grow up being themselves and shine the amazing light that they are. ” so true. It is as Michelle said also about letting children make their own mistakes and being there for them when they do.
“It is through true parenting that we will one day return to brotherhood, because there will be no ownership within parenting and we will eventually feel and see that we are one big family.”
You have raised an important point here Donna, it is the ownership of parenting that is so detrimental, for as long as we feed and herald the individuality of family, the more separated we become and the less we grow, evolve and appreciate the treasure of brotherhood.
Awesome quote “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children…” This is such a statement of common sense and so profound, for our children to grow up with the potential to live wise, content and self loving lives, the best place to start is by offering a reflection of this in the way we live ourselves.
As adults, blaming others, or the world in general for our problems does not support children to take responsibility for themselves. They then pick up that others are to blame when they come into difficulties. You are right Samantha this is such a powerful quote, “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children…” By living wise, content and self-loving we offer our children the opportunity to do the same and they can with equality reflect on their own choices and take responsibility for them.
Rachel you are so right. When as adults we are not honest and do not admit responsibility for our difficulties how do we expect our children are going to grow up? We all love to blame others for when we fall out or things don’t work out, but if we can admit responsibility and teach our children to do the same then our relationships would turn around.
I reckon it is just as important to be yourself with yourself as it is with your children. It is easy sometimes have a different way when we are alone and to put on the parenting hat with our children. And, as I have observed, with this other hat we can start to say things we would never say to anyone else and with tones of voice we would never use with anyone else, all because somehow this is what parenting is supposed to look like. But what if true parenting looks completely different to what we have been raised to believe?
What for me feels as key in parenting is appreciation. Appreciation for ourselves and reflecting this back to children. For me parenting should have a foundation of appreciation where children can feel that without appreciation, there is no true building of relationships and evolution.
I so agree with you Mariette. For me parenting is absolutely about appreciation. Definitely appreciation for myself and without doubt appreciation for my amazing children! As you say this translates to all relationships but you can’t get to a true appreciation of another without appreciating yourself first.
Michelle, this is beautiful, ‘The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children’, I have found this too, that the more I care for and value myself the lighter and more loving I am with my son and because I am confident in myself I am much more confident in my decisions as a parent which I can feel is very supportive for my son.
Nowadays it seems a high art what should be our normal: To raise kids without imposition.
Wow Michelle – I would have loved to have read an article like this when I first became a parent. What I love most about life is that we never stop learning and I appreciate that I now have a much greater wisdom to share with children and adults alike which is continually growing thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine and shared wisdom of the students.
I loved the honest way you said ‘this isn’t it’ when you attained the dream of family life you had had Michelle. It seems just in this clarity you opened yourself up, to exploring the truth of your relationship with yourself, and with your kids. The actual reality you describe here is so beautiful, with the teaching going both ways. So today I just appreciate how if we are honest enough to say ‘this isn’t right’ the world and our Soul will show us what is true.
Joseph I love what you are sharing here. There is such profundity in simplicity which I becoming more and more appreciate of too. I have also found that when I simply nominate something in real honesty everything then starts to open up to allow revelations through. There is no trying, or striving just a simple unfolding of thoughts, feelings and events that support me to see past what I have nominated doesn’t feel right, to dig deeper and to take responsibility for my part in what has been at play. The moment I admit my part everything magically lifts and clears leaving the way open for more love, more loving expression and the more will to make ever more self loving choices.
I can really feel the difference when relating to my teenage son when I am connecting to him from my need to be met or when I am connecting to truly meet him. The difference is incredible with the former way being harmful for us both and the latter healing for us both.
It is beautiful Anne how your children reflect this back for you and the openness you have to observe and see this within yourself. We bring great learning to each other.
I agree with you Stephen although I will always celebrate an achievement with my children because the quality of themselves in that achievement is always worth noting. I have noticed when my children really excel at something it is because they are feeling full and gorgeous. True – it is important that we don’t only express love and appreciation for our children when they do well at something but to express this love and appreciation for them at all times so that they feel held and supported. This is vital if they are not to bash themselves up for making mistakes or making unloving choices.
It is so common that children do bash themselves up when making mistakes, (as it is also for adults) but as you share Michelle in expressing love and appreciation to your children whether they are “successful,” or not means they will be comfortable with themselves no matter what they are doing, or what they have achieved or haven’t achieved. Raising confident self-assured children is a blessing for everyone.
My son was asked to some filming the other day in the format of an interview with someone older. He had never met this other person but what I loved so much about witnessing their conversation was how natural he was and how at ease he was not only with himself but in front of the cameras. He had so many questions and was so interested in everything around him – there was no holding back and boy oh boy did he melt me … and everyone else in the room. A blessing for us all indeed!
I adore the look from your daughter in the picture Michelle, it speaks a thousand words to me of, I know I am Love, and I am honoured in that. Children can show us so much in a look.
Yes it is a very knowing look, isn’t it? There is a steady presence there which is quietly powerful but very unimposing. To give credit where it is due, my daughter is an innate power house – she came in this way.. As a parent the only thing I have done is to recognise it and honour it – not in any way that puts her on a pedestal but to simply treat it as normal and to appreciate fully the essence and quality she is. Quite honestly both my children blow me away. They are a huge blessing for me and for everyone who knows them.
Hello Michelle and I agree. How do we know this, from first bringing the appreciation of the fact that what we see is merely a confirmation of what we already are first. So we don’t know more then children and equally they don’t know more then us. At points in life we may hold the lead and they may also. It feels important to mention that parenting isn’t about how good your children are or what they do but it comes back to a quality, the quality you hold first. Parenting like everything comes back to how you are, how you are with yourself in every moment.
I’ve been working with children for a good few years now and what I would reflect on is that parenting and caring for children is foremost about seeing them as they are, not needing them to be something. I have found it is easy to lurch in to that position where you praise children for what they do, but this is quite destructive and I cringe when I do it now as I see it feeds that need to be recognised that needn’t be there if we recognise children for the amazing beings they are, not the doers they become.
Thank you for sharing that, Stephen, I recently started to support a teacher in a local primary school and it is such a habit to say ‘well done!’ as a way of encouraging children – I shall pay more attention to what’s going on and what needs to be said, if anything. I am fast learning that just being there makes a difference.
This is a great point Stephen, not to fuel children with praise but to appreciate what they already are.
Yes this is a great point. By appreciating children for who they are not for what they do allows them to remain comfortable in their own skin enabling them to deal with life’s joys and difficulties at a steady pace. By investing in outcomes by what they do only encourages anxiety, jumpiness and not feeling enough and then the merry go round of needing praise to bolster self-esteem begins.
Beautifully expressed Rachel. It is indeed a merry-go-round of anxiety seeking praise to feel ok if that child isn’t met. But when a child has a foundation of being met and can feel when praise is received for when they have expressed themselves through what they have done this can be very confirming. The same is true when an action isn’t so great – if a child can feel it is not them but their action that is highlighted for not being great then they have access to great learning,
I wonder how many people and couples have children to try and fill a hole or a gap in their lives only to find that by doing this the hole were not filled and in some cases became all the bigger; quite a number I’d say and unless we find the true means to fill the gaps we just pass this on to our children so instead of absolute love they have ready made gaps as well.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen. This is so great for there is always a deep love for our children no matter what, but we can’t take that love to another level without taking the next steps in deepening our love for ourselves.
How awesome it is to bring children up so they are free to express the truth they are feeling. This should be the norm, yet looking at where we are at as a society, we have a long way to go yet.
I agree Samantha,’How awesome it is to bring children up so they are free to express the truth they are feeling.’ When we allow children to say what they are really feeling it is amazing what they observe and how sensitive they are, I work part time in a school and love to talk to the children, I can feel how if we are willing to listen they love to open up and share what they are feeling.
That’s great Rebecca. The freedom the children must feel to not be shot down or told to be quiet when they are saying what they feel is amazing. Just to be listened to and allowed to say what they are feeling without any judgement is something I know I would have loved to have as a child growing up.
‘…the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.’
I love the use of the phrase ‘outrageous burden’. When you view it that way, that’s exactly what it is and yet we place these burdens on others all the time. ‘Incredibly irresponsible’ is spot on too. Who are we to go foisting our lack of self-understanding and self-care and love on others? What an incredible imposition!
‘I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me.’
How often do we choose children or a partner to fill a void or an emotional need? Or a pet for the same purposes? Like raising a child, hosting an animal is a responsibility, not an indulgence or a looking for something or someone to love us or provide companionship. So too with a partner. Do we want an ever-evolving relationship or one of convenience, based on our inability to love ourselves?
‘I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me.’
This is a lesson it feels like all women need to learn in some form of the other. Our inability to love ourselves first, and nurture ourselves, is showing up in the myriad of diseases we now suffer, from endometriosis to breast cancer. All too often we give ourselves over to doing for others and never for ourselves.
Victoria this is a really important point to have made. The number of health conditions we live with as women I think is statistically shocking. Learning to put yourself first and to self nurture is a fundamental lesson we need to be teaching our girls.
This is indeed a lesson for all women. This week I have been hearing all about honour killings and forced marriages but recognise the more subtle dishonouring of women. I’ve felt the responsibility of me connecting to my qualities as a woman and no longer choosing to be subservient to others by choosing to be my roles before simply being connected to the amazing stillness of God.
This week I’ve really noticed my identification with who I am as my work. I have said to myself many times I am not my job. Whatever the practicalities of my work, that is not who I am. I am beginning to appreciate expressing from my essence (yes it’s just an inkling at present) but feeling how possible it is to bring this through the practicalities of my job, whatever they are.
It strikes me that parenting is an agreement to lovingly host and support another human to live responsibly and lovingly themselves.
Holding the love you are and nurturing yourself more deeply can only lead to a greater reflection as a parent for the children to see and feel Michelle. This is a true education of life for them to hold throughout their lives, there’s no greater foundation for this life than knowing Love.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen. Wow this is a corker of a statment and one that relates to all relationships not just with children.
Agree Samantha – powerful and true.
Gill this is gorgeous and I totally agree with you – there is no greater foundation for this life than knowing love! What I truly appreciate however is that as an adult I have chosen to develop this foundation for myself even though I did not live with this daily as a child. I am also truly appreciative that there are two more children I can support in knowing this from infancy. What they choose to do with this is then up to them.
Michelle from my re-read I have felt what an exceptional blog this is. The way you have summarised the ideals and beliefs about having a child and then how you have gone on to debase them with wonderful practical examples of how you can really meet and honour your children. And there is so much more besides – just how much our preconceived ideas about life come into our post experiences and instead of justifying and suppressing our disappointment, to instead be honest with our feeling and bring true change to our world. The wisdom that this allows is enormous and affects all our relationships.
Michelle your blog is a wonderful confirmation of what Parenting is all about. As a parent and now a Grand Parent, I can still put into practice the new learning I have now around Parenting, but in a different capacity. There is much opportunity as a Grand parent to support and encourage self love and self worth and to take responsibility for their own choices also. To know that they are always love and equal to all, and built on a firm foundation of Love through family and friends. They grow and I grow through them also.
“After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it. “This is beautiful Michelle and brings tears to my eyes, deeply felt and acknowledged wow how this would change the world.
Yes this is truly beautiful. What a different world this would be if parenting were like this.
I’ve been struck by this line, ‘the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone,’ knowing this is so for the majority. I wonder how this burden affects us all.
Until I met Serge Benhayon and came across Universal Medicine, I know I’d been role modeled love is something to be found outside of yourself and meaning found through what you do. I wonder if this burden invites us to never feel successful or good enough because we are being asked to fulfill a need in another that cannot be satiated no matter how hard we try to take on a responsibility that is not ours to take.
Michelle it was a great joy to read your truthful blog. I am not a mother but this sentences made so much sense for me: “Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.” I wished I was grown up like this – I am sure I would be much more loving and nurturing myself.
I have wished that too Ester, however the fact that I am open to “parenting” myself means that I’m increasingly much more self loving and nurturing than ever before – so much so that I no longer mind that my parents were not able to do this for me as I see it now as my responsibility to care for all of that for myself. In this acceptance it is easy to let go of past regrets and live in the now with an open heart.
I was talking to someone about breastfeeding the other day, and how sometimes the baby is ready to stop but the mother continues because its a form of attachment with the baby. It brought up another area we as parents can cling to or behaviour we have that aren’t always the best for the child. What you’re presenting is that in parenting we can’t act in the way we want because we are clingy – we have to put the child first.
Rebecca you have raised another really important point here. My son weaned himself off breast milk himself at 5 months, preferring instead to bottle feed. At that time I was still insecure about being a mum and I felt that I had failed him because he no longer wanted to breast feed! The feelings of guilt and failure that came up were quite strong, but that was only because I didn’t have enough of a foundation within myself to simply accept his choice as simply a choice as to what felt right to him and that I hadn’t separated the “breast is best” from what actually felt true. When we are clingy this is a sure sign that we haven’t put self love first, but what I love about having kids is that if we are open to seeing it they can reflect that back to us big time, which supports us to make the loving choices!
“I hadn’t separated the “breast is best” from what actually felt true.” This is such a great point, we can live from so many ideals and beliefs which can create this huge tension in us to be doing the right thing. Then when something happens like with your son that is outside what is deemed ‘normal’, it creates stress, tension and a feeling of maybe failure. I have found in similar situations, as in where I had to choose between clinging onto ideals or going with what I in my body felt was true, the choosing to listen to my feelings of what was true instantly decreased the tension and it created space and enjoyment. To be able to do this self-love and care are indeed key.
You raise so many amazing points Michelle, about yourself and your children, really showing that parenting IS a two way process with parents equally learning from their children and vice versa.
Yes Shevon, this brings a whole new level of awareness to the fact we learn just as much from children as they can from us. It really is the best gift we can give them to encourage and nurture that inner wise expression,
Absolutely Shevon and Samantha, ‘we learn just as much from children as they can from us’, having a young son I find that I learn from him all of the time, it feels lovely to be open to this as there is a common idea in society that adults know best’ and have to teach children everything, I have found this to not be the case, my son came into the world a very wise, knowing little being and I have been blown away by what I have learnt from him, and vice verse he has also learnt much from me, it feels lovely to hold him as an equal and to not talk down to him, this has allowed him to express what he feels and to be confident in himself.
What an amazing relationship you have with your children Michelle due to the awareness that you have. And it will continue to deepen and deepen as you all grow together.
Beautiful blog Michelle, what is so truly inspirational is where you have come from and where you are at now regards to your relationship with yourself and your children. How important what you share that should be principals of parenting, and so important. What we life is what is being reflected to others, and so our children. How amazing that you have this realization now and can be a woman, parent who actually educates them by living in love and setting a great example. This takes the whole pressure away that we must educate our young by our minds. Yes of course we use our brain, but how we live with ourselves will be the leading way of how we will parent our young. So focus on ‘our living way’ that is required.
Michelle, what you offer here to us all is huge, that nothing outside us, children, partners, jobs or anything can fill the void and indeed it’s great it cannot, as it offers us the opportunity to connect to and feel for ourselves what it is we need to do to live in a loving way. It asks us to not lean on anything outside us, but to come back into ourselves and feel what we need to address, any hurts we may have and how as we address those we naturally create space for more love in our life. I am not a parent but I feel what you offer applies to us all, no matter our circumstances and I cherish those children and adults I have in my life which show me how I can be love, and the more I do the more joy there is in our interactions and in how I am and feel about being me in the world. The more I live love for me, the more I can live it with others.