I had always hoped I would have children one day. As I got older and was approaching my mid-thirties I had started to give up on the idea that it would happen and felt quite sad about it. I had always been very much caught up in the ideal or need of having children and there was a big void in my life, something missing that I felt perhaps children could fill up or distract me from.
I can hardly credit it now but I had some very different ideas back then about what having a baby meant:
• That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.
Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it. There was a big part of me that felt empty and needy which I had not fully admitted to myself before.
I now knew that having children was not going to make this go away.
I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me. In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.
What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?
To get to this point however, I had to get to a level of self-acceptance first and a deep appreciation for my own unique loving expression. I knew I couldn’t really offer a foundation of love to a child when my body was still rigid with deeply held hurts, resentments, sadness and emptiness.
I have now healed many of the hurts that have kept me locked within the self-perception of feeling less or not good enough which caused the emptiness I had felt and had left me feeling in constant tension. I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn. I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.
As my children have grown, now aged 5 and 7, I have noticed a huge shift within myself as I have become more committed to me and to life. I certainly do not see my children in any capacity of having to serve out any of my needs or to confirm me in any way. This is something I am committed to owning – to honestly feel what is going on for me and to work out where the gaps in love are for myself and where my negative choices have the potential to keep playing out.
This huge shift has come about with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. With my increasing awareness of what the different tensions in my body have been/are about, and a deep inner knowing that how I was living my life was far from the potential of the love that is within me that is natural to express, I have learnt to sift through my un-communicated feelings, articulate them and am letting them go – one by one.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.
So now I have seen that having children is a great opportunity to:
• Know when to step in and take a step back,
• Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,
• Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,
• Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,
• Hold them more deeply in love and just observe – in this space they see for themselves whether the choices they make are loving or not,
• Hand trust in themselves back to them so they are not needy of anything from outside,
• Support them to understand what they need to work on and/or let go of, to be the greater love that they naturally are,
• Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.
Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.
I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.
I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.
After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.
As a responsible parent I continue to let go of any investment in this particular outcome, freeing up more space for more observation and more love and support – truly getting out of the way and allowing them the freedom to evolve at their own pace.
By Michelle McWaters
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Motherhood & Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love
1,077 Comments
How many of us hold these mental pictures you describe Micelle about other things and not just parenting? Jobs, work, relationships, in all of our life we seem to be ‘not living up’ to what we think we need to be. Yet where do these pictures come in originally? It seems from the thoughts and beliefs we allow, without checking them with reality. So your words help me see Michelle that regardless of our age our gender, we are constantly having children, and ‘giving birth’ if you like, to the consequences of our choices. In a way having actual kids seems to simply emphasise that it’s not about us having all the answers but being open to learn and keep seeing through these false images that stop us growing.
Knowing when to step in and when to step back, as you say Michelle, is a very sensitive decision and one that cannot be complicated by thinking…it must come from an inner knowing, from the body. With a teenager, I often find myself in justification for choosing one way or the other rather than trusting my knowing of what is needed and being in my full loving authority with it. A work in progress.
Ah Sara, parenting from trusting your knowing of what is needed is a big one to feel. And trusting yourself that you have done enough so far and holding the teenager in Love knowing they are allowed to make their decisions and have their own learning on their journeys is a letting go of outcomes that can also be tricky. We build that foundation daily with our reflections. Parenting is a learning journey for us all.
I don’t know how I will handle yet the challenge of my children’s teenage years, but working with teenagers every day I know that they respond in exactly the same way to love as my children do. They know the truth when they hear it and when as an adult I meet them in that and accept them for who they are and where they are at, they feel impulsed to be more of who they are. I know that many of my students have started to take more loving care of themselves as a result, choosing to go to bed earlier and eat a proper breakfast! When we hold anyone in love and trust to their innate wisdom and own love it can be surprising how quickly they choose to make those loving choices. The key with teenagers is as with little ones, it is not to judge and blame them when they make mistakes, but to keep confirming them in the love that they are.
Beautiful Michelle and what I am finding as I hold my children and others in the love that they are is that they are then not afraid to express the truth no matter what has happened… I find this so endearing.
Yes I am inspired by this too. When I am speaking less than lovingly to my son he doesn’t hold back in pointing this out, even if he finds it hurtful. This is impressive as he is only just 8. In those moments I take the point and quickly sort myself out…
My children are ages 6, 7 and 9 and when I have stepped in there has been no doubt but an instant feeling within my body to do so. It has surprised me because I have been one to hold back for most of my life. It is always very beautiful to receive a confirmation from another parent, teacher or in one incident the bus driver!
As I watch my parents age, the relationship between us changes, allowing them to sit back more as I take on more responsibility within the family as a whole. This brings up an enquiry for me in to the relationship between parenting and being an elder within the family and the wider communities we all live in.
“Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.” Totally agree Michelle having children was far from the fix I imagined it would be, in fact their arrival just exposed the cracks in my relationship with myself and hence with others – the opportunities to evolve, heal & learn are plentiful.
Absolutely agree Lucinda. The arrival of my son changed everything for me, offering inescapable opportunities to heal on a daily and moment to moment basis.
Michelle this ought to be compulsory reading for every parent-to-be.. to understand our children are not here to serve our own need for recognition, success, to be loved is huge. What is love, what is family, what does it mean to have children, what is responsibility… needs to be part of our education system. Thank goodness for parents like yourself…. as you offer everyone who knows you the opportunity to learn a different way.
All these questions are so important, whole lessons and topics could be devoted to one question each in turn…what is responsibility? is a great place to start. How do we possibly believe we can be responsible for another if we live irresponsibly ourselves?
Jenny, I totally agree with you. As one example, I find it hugely interesting that whilst most parents are rightly worried about how long their children play on computers, how far do they monitor their own behaviour on their own computer devices? We could use this example on so many things. If we want to be truly responsible for another, as you say Jenny – the first person we need to be responsible for is ourselves.
Love this Jenny, I absolutely agree. We have a responsibility to offer our children a way of being that is not by telling them what or not what to do but by the way we live our lives. How hypocritical it is when a parent refuses sweets to their children when they eat them themselves! Children observe and feel every thing; to think we can get away with it is incredibly foolish.
I agree Jenny, to ask these questions, “What is love, what is family, what does it mean to have children, what is responsibility?” needs to be part of our education. Parenting must be one of the most challenging jobs to have, yet we have no courses or instruction for it. Developing our awareness through supportive blogs like this one can only be a great thing.
Agree Jenny. I had a baby at 24, still a baby myself really! And I remember the day when I thought to myself ‘Wow, this never ends. It’s literally day and night, every day, that I am this little persons parent. This was a shock in itself, something I couldn’t have understood in my body until I was there, in it. And yes, having a blog such as this would have supported me enormously, to just simply ask those questions for me to reflect on how I was approaching parenting. Absolute GOLD!
I was really fortunate to have some really super support from esoteric practitioners when my children were still babies. Whilst at the start I was getting caught up in the role of being a mother and was getting totally exhausted by it, there came a time when I no longer identified myself as a mum, or a teacher, but as “Michelle”. I love it when my children call me by my name because is offers a moment where we see each other, not in our roles as parent and child, but as complete equals holding each other equally in love.
Wow Michelle, thats great, I love that your children sometimes call you by your name as you say this really emphasis the equality in your relationship.
It is lovely. Have you ever felt the joy of connecting to yourself because someone has simply said your name with love? Whenever my children utter my name it is done in love and not only do I get the joy of that connection but I get the double joy of my children being everything they are in that moment.
I’m so glad I took the time to read this again as there is so much good stuff in there. I love being a parent and it is true we learn so much from the experience if we are open and it doesn’t come from a neediness. I love how my daughter is given the space to express even if it comes out in anger at least it comes out. As a child my freedom of expression was wasn’t the same and I probably bottled a lot of stuff up.
These are power-full words Michelle…”I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.” They need to be given to every paren,t everywhere, and splashed all over the front page of every newspaper…we so need to change the way we live and the way we parent.
I agree Paula we so need to change the way we live and the way we parent. I have always found it the most odd thing that we are trained for everything under the sun with expectations and qualifications needed for everything in life, except the most important job of all, which is to be a parent. There are no courses to speak of, little guidance or instruction. Surely support for parents to be parents would be a worthwhile investment?
Thank you Michelle, this is a beautiful sharing, so very different to the way I have parented my own children, many many years ago, with that needy love. To be able to hold your self in your own love while supporting your children, giving them the freedom to express openly how they are feeling and honour who they are, allowing them space to learn and grow at their own pace.
Me too Jill, I now know and can feel how very differently I would be if I were able to parent my children now compared to many years ago. But that’s ok, that’s our learning and we can change how we are with our children and our grandchildren right now for them to feel the difference of how we are in our elder years.
This is beautiful Michelle. I don’t have my own children but I can relate to having had feelings in the past of me not having ‘made it’ as a woman because of that, and it was enormous to feel what was underneath those feelings — emotions and an enormous need for another — a child – to nurture and love me in a way that I hadn’t loved and cared for myself.
But what you also bring with this gorgeous blog is what the true purpose of parenting is, how we are here — all of us — regardless of whether we have children or not, to hold each other and our young in love and observance, to let them walk their paths through life, not to crowd them or preach at them, but to be there when it’s needed and as you have so beautifully expressed, to remind and reflect always that they are — as we all are — amazing not because of what we might do, but because of who we actually are, the beauty within, that we all have and that the world so needs for us to let out and share.
This is profound Katerina… to understand the underlying motivation for having children was ‘to nurture and love me in a way that I hadn’t loved and cared for myself ‘ is huge. I can just feel the difference it would make to every aspect of parenting when this is the foundation for a choice to have kids. Having children is essentially a care-taking role, preparing and supporting another to be responsible for being themselves (and therefore love) in the world. It makes parenting so simple when approached this way… and takes the weight of expectation from the process.
Held in love and observance – for a person or a child to feel this sense of freedom and space gives them permission to be all of who they are, to fly free of self doubt.
Very beautiful definition Lucinda ~ ‘Held in love and observance – for a person or a child to feel this sense of freedom and space gives them permission to be all of who they are, to fly free of self doubt’
I always knew I would not have children and remember saying so very clearly when I was about 12. I never physically had children which very much suited my husband and myself. However, funnily enough in recent years I seem to have turned into something of a mother and grandmother for many people of all ages and have an ever growing (non blood) family. Through the presentations of Serge Benhayon I have learnt that we are all one big family and all responsible for ourselves and each other.
Hello Nicola and I agree that ‘parenting’ isn’t locked into a blood relationship between an adult and child. This is what we have limited this word to be and more parenting is a movement, a quality of energy between people as Serge Benhayon has presented for many years.
Its such a liberating expereince when realising that to parent to the best of your ability really comes down to simply sharing what you yourself are living. There is no teaching required, no perfection needed. Sharing with our children our own learnings, insights and expereinces and being supper open to listening to and learning from our children.
I love what you share here about parenting Michelle, there are many gems in this blog to ponder on and be inspired by thank you.
Even though I am way past parenting years for my own children, it’s never too late. This is a gorgeous account of how we can all be as parents, grandparents, friends of people with younger children. It’s a beautiful example of your reflection of you as a parent Michelle, our quality has an impact on all around us.
I really appreciate this comment Gill. I think so many parents look back with regret at how things were and the choices that were made feeling that they can’t change things, but as you say it is never too late. When we realise that a loving quality produced is simply a matter of consistent choice to be honest and self nurture it is felt and clocked by all we encounter, including our adult children who can also be inspired by this. When we open up to ourselves it isn’t surprising that others meet us in the same quality and love, and all our relationships evolve.
‘I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.’ This is truly beutiful Michelle – we should be supporting children to stay with what they feel and express from there in our relationships with them. The wisdom they cn offer is so simple and clear and shows that in truth we are of a relatively much more similar age than a single life shows.
I love what you say in your last sentence here Michael. I totally agree – we are of a relatively much more similar age to our children than a single life shows. The wisdom that a child can share if we allow it can support us all to evolve.
Indeed Michael this is the agelessness of wisdom!
Their innate and untainted wisdom absolutely needs to be nurtured and is evident that wisdom is something that is lived and held in the body through the ages…not acquired through knowledge.
“I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me.” Looking inside rather then relying on the outside to fill you up makes a tonne of difference. Children grow and never stop, as parents, we are here to support with this- to support growth and evolution.
That’s a gorgeous focus of your parenting Michelle – to allow them to know how unique and amazing they are. This is something we can bring to all of our interactions with children and all others too as the truth of who we are is an unknown for many people.
Michelle what you are bringing here to the true purpose of parenting is so beautiful to read and appreciate all you are offering as it is revolutionary and life changing for us all. As this becomes what is understood in the world what a beautiful future lies ahead.
So true Tricia, it really is revolutionary what is being shared. To truly embrace what Michelle is talking about here — and I have seen this — is exquisite to behold and it stays with you forever. It is how we all one day will be parented and we will parent as well.
The apparently slight difference between parenting in a supportive way and feeling we have to teach our children, is huge. What it says is that everything that a child ‘needs’ to be is already there and that our ‘role’ is simply to allow the expression and expansion of that.
There may come a time when we will want to re-define what the word parenting actually means. To take out the control-of-another-person aspect of it. To take out the filling-my-personal-needs part of it. to take out the satisfying-societal-pressures element of it. And to bring parenting back to origins, where there is equality and respect between parent and child, where love is a movement rather than a hurried word, and where time is shared not spent.
Very beautifully said Shami. Time to “bring parenting back to origins, where there is equality and respect between parent and child, where love is a movement rather than a hurried word, and where time is shared not spent.”
The letting go of control and letting go of our pictures is huge. Allowing someone to just be is such a gift to the parent and the child, so freeing and healing. .
Shami, well said. Parenting can be so different, with the struggle of ideals and needs removed.
I love this Shami – ‘where love is a movemnt rather than a hurried word. The world needs more of this quality – true love.
Hello Shami, I agree and I would think this quote, “And to bring parenting back to origins, where there is equality and respect between parent and child, where love is a movement rather than a hurried word, and where time is shared not spent.” could change slightly to have ‘where there is equality and respect between people’. Parenting has no gender, age or social stature to it, it’s a movement, a quality of energy between 2 people and has never been only linked to parents and children.
I am really appreciating how through this conversation we are re-defining our understanding of the word “parenting”. in this new understanding we are opening to the door to a deeper connection and responsibility for every relationship we are in. When we can collectively embody this concept as truth and live it, we will be living on a much more solid platform where we no longer hold back on delivering the truth to one another. In lovingly expressing “as parents” to one another there will be no more room for delay and excuses as to why we can’t live all of who we are; we simply won’t be allowing it…
Imagine if this approach was taught to us ‘before’ we were ever contemplating having children and it became part of our regular education, and that we were encouraged to really consider ‘why’ we are having children and what the true purpose was/is in parenting. In saying that, and although I certainly didn’t have my children with this awareness at the time – and can relate to having them to fill a void in my own life – it is never too late to work on the true purpose of parenting. I am relearning that this comes back to developing a loving relationships with myself first, from which base I am able to develop a loving relationship with my children (who are now all young adults!) that is not imposing, controlling or about filling my own needs, but encouraging, supporting and allowing them to be who they naturally are…
That is so true Angela, just because we have not lived it does not mean we cant. It is never too late to learn from life, and never too late to share the wisdom we have learnt.
“The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.” This is an incredible point for me to reflect on, it’s not about what I know or what I read but about the love and quality I hold myself in and live that determines the quality and care of how I am and of parenting.
Well said David, Its not about what we do, but the quality we do it in.
We have a LOT to learn from children. As much as we have to share.
Definitely, Jeannette. It took me a while to realise this, but I am learning at a pace alongside my children. I joke with them about the fact that they teach me way more than I will ever teach them – and that from a qualified teacher!
So true Jeannette, when we loose sight of this we limit our children’s evolution and like wise limit our own.
So true Jeannette. My children have their own unique expression which can be very different to each other but this brings about a greater awareness and therefore learning within the family. To lose sight of the appreciation for our children and what they bring only delays our evolution and keeps us in the comfort of control because we are not willing to take responsibility for ourselves.
I love what you have shared Michelle about having and raising children, this needs to be taught at high school!
I agree Amber and needs to just be shared everywhere. Teaching this self responsibility in high school would support but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. So this needs to go on the ground, in every conversation, in every place, all the time. It’s great to see deeper then talking about the weather and continue to realise there is more to us then meets the eye.
Yes Ray, there is am amazing depth and an all-knowing wisdom equally within us all.
‘Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,’ Michelle I loved reading this as I can feel it is only when we can feel our connection with ourselves and don’t rely on others to fill our needs that we can really appreciate the joy.
Hello Jane and yes I can see the bigger picture in this as well. Not making it alone about children and parenting but seeing that it’s about how we are first, how we live and move that then feeds everything there after.
I find parenting very challenging at times but I also know that it all comes back to our relationship with our movements the way we live and how we feel about ourselves.
Being around kids just seems to be a magnification or acceleration of my issues that then push me to evolve faster or bury me deeper, depending on my choices on any given day. It’s not that children are any better at bringing up stuff that needs to be looked at than any adult but I have found that their attitude and dedication to say what they feel completely unfiltered is a grand opportunity for reflection and growth.
Children’s ability and the ease with which they do express what they feel unfiltered is totally natural for them, and comes without judgement or offence. It is always a gift and opportunity for us – our choice is whether we receive it or not! Actually honouring and respecting what they do say goes a long way to supporting them to hold this quality as they grow, rather than learning to temper themselves and honesty with learnt social niceties.
Yes this is what I love about children too. They say it how it is and if that means we squirm, because they have just exposed a lie or have just exposed something then this is really something to appreciate as an opportunity for evolution. So many of us at this crucial point, shut the child up or get defensive, in which case children soon learn that they can’t say it how it is and do temper themselves.
I love what you have said here Michelle. Being totally open to children and hearing what they have to say is so freeing and very simple if we are in equality. And being open to everyone no matter what age feels the same.
We have all heard children effortlessly deliver enormous wisdom with the purity and simplicity of truth. It is indeed a blessing to be treasured, and a crucial point, for if we reject the basic simple truth it is like telling our children to shut down their love because it is not wanted. This is devastating to a sensitive child and shut down they do, in almost every home.
Wanting our kids to be anything than who they are is not seeing them for what they bring. I know I have fallen into this pattern many times as a parent, when i am holding onto an image of what i feel like something should look like, usually because I have been hurt in the past and am so busy running away from the hurt and trying to stop it from happening again to my child> In all of this I then don’t give them the chance to bring all that they are into a situation and effectively saying you can’t handle this.
Hello Nicole, I agree and you could apply this across the board to people in general and not only children.
Wow Michelle, what a beautiful and inspiring sharing on the responsibility of being a parent. This article made so much sense to me – and the insights you shared on the many opportunities being a parent presents gave me great insight what I can bring to my relationships with all the children in my life. Thank you.
great point Hannah, you don’t just have to be a mother and parent to bring this to children.
Agree Hannah, this is a very real and exceptionally inspiring blog, thank you Michelle.
Thank you Michelle for your deep honesty. All too often the choice to have children stems from a personal need to fill an emptiness we have not be supported to deal with. The key ingredient here seems to be a willingness to face and deal with the emptiness and not dump all your unresolved needs onto your children. Enter Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon and all the tools you needed to implement your own healing and begin to truly parent your children. What is so striking here is that the way you parent your children is not unusual, it is the norm, holding them in a loving space so that they develop a strong sense of themselves and their own love from which to live their lives. At present is this not very common, so often we are raised with emotional love by parents who have not been supported to find their own inherent love within and life becomes a bit of a roller coaster as a consequence. The steadiness you have attained within you is very palpable in your writing; you are a true port in a storm holding a guiding light to supports others, your children included to find their way home to themselves.
Thank you for that utterly beautiful confirmation Rowena.
‘The steadiness you have attained within you is very palpable in your writing; you are a true port in a storm holding a guiding light to supports others, your children included to find their way home to themselves.’
Beautifully expressed Rowena, from one steady port to another.
‘In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.’ Great line Michelle. It’s not extreme to call it an ‘outrageous burden’ – the extreme is that as a society we no longer feel it as such as we have normalised it. It’s an amazing feeling when the truth sinks in and we realise we are responsible for everything – past, present and future. Not saying it’s a comfortable feeling, but for me it was the missing piece of the puzzle, which now in place, makes so much sense of the the big picture. No-one else is responisible for the emptiness inside except ourselves.
Gorgeous blog Michelle. It’s beautiful to feel your commitment to love first and how this supports all of you to grow.
Which brilliantly encapsulates the amazing impact of our taking responsibility for ourselves every step of the way.
Even though I am past the usual ‘being an active parent’ age, it has been a wonderful exploration of what parenting fundamentally means. My understanding has broadened, deepened and evolved thanks to the example of Serge Benhayon and Michael and Emily Benhayon and the revelation of what you say Michelle, that: “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children”. This quality is applicable to all relationships.
I agree Rosanna and this hold a very true importance, as the quality we hold is not just for children and doesn’t come under the current meaning of parenting because, “This quality is applicable to all relationships.”
That’s a great line – “The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children”, and it doesn’t just apply to children, but all the relationships we have with others. Our level of love that we have with ourselves, reflects in our relationships with others.
Agreed Emily and it is such a lie we have been fed, only be responsible for those around you, family first and etc. This belief is what feeds our separation and destroys any semblance of brotherhood. As tragic as some world events can be such as major floods and storms, it is always beautiful to watch true brotherhood come back into action. It is just a shame it takes a tragedy to bring the best/love out of us.
I remember reading about a train accident in the UK about 20 years ago or more. It brought me to tears reading about the way everyone came together to support one another with no agenda other than to help. I also remember a famous writer extolling the virtues of this as being a very “British” trait. At the time I am sure I puffed up with “pride of my country”, but on reflection (it didn’t take me long to recognise it) that this was false. The natural virtue of love and support is not exclusive to any one nation or group of people – it belongs to all of us and is the natural response since we are all made of love. To call it a “British” trait was to undermine us all as it separates and compartmentalising the basic human act of love. Even in tragedy when love is dominant, it is a sad thing, but we will use it to continue our quest to separate from one another and not honestly look at what this tragedy is reflecting back to us.
Yes Michelle, by labelling the beautiful ability that people have to come to the support of those in need as ‘ being British’ is very separative, and used to prop up Nationalism, one of the great pillars of separation. You are so correct, the natural virtue of love belongs to us all without exception. the writer’s words were, as you have conveyed, a distraction of the reader away from their essence, away from feeling what the tragedy was reflecting.
Yes Michelle, love is indeed a basic human trait and coming together for the benefit of all is natural as you have shared, but does seem we only feel the urgency to work together when there is a disaster. Are we blind to the disasters happening everyday? By thinking other people are separate from us, or different we are contributing to the train wrecks in the world, and in our society as they are happening in slow motion, and are completely avoidable.
Those labels of “mum” and “dad” can come so loaded, can’t they? I know of many parents who object to their children calling them by their first name, being so invested in the role of being a parent. For me what a relief to break down that barrier and simply see my parents as people before any role they have chosen. It takes the imposition out of having to be a certain way because I am a “daughter”. I know in my own experience I love it when when children occasionally call me “Michelle”. It’s a great leveller and something in me expands because in that moment they are addressing the whole of me and not just the “mum” aspect of me. If open to it it is actually a rather lovely experience!
It is indeed Michelle. I cannot tell you how much I love being called “Caroline” by my children and often I will say my husbands name rather than “Dad” to them. I feel they also like calling us by our first name and it offers them to feel the difference between calling us “Mum” and “Dad” to our first names.
This is such an important blog on so many levels Michelle. It’s vital that we see our children as more than possessions, and equally share with them that even thought we are their parents we are people too. It works both ways, as it is only recently that I have started to see my parents as more than their labels of mum and dad.
The power of seeing each other beyond our ‘roles’. This is really amazing and I continue to have such revealing moments with people (particularly in my family at the moment) as I see through the smokescreen of roles and expected behaviour.
Beautiful Debra!
I could very much relate to this sentence, ‘the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child”. I grew up with this pressure and it was intense! To fill the emptiness, loneliness and lack of feeling met in another person is impossible, but I took on this responsibility and in doing so abandoned caring for myself. This then flowed onto my relationships and mothering as an adult, where I thought this was just the norm. In reality it was just a way to not take responsibility for being the love I am with myself.
Thank you Michelle for expressing what you had once believed about being a parent. I could tick everyone of those false boxes too and it wasn’t until I studied with Universal Medicine that they started to truly break down. I could feel how I wouldn’t have consciously thought those things at the time and it is only now standing at a distance looking back that I can see these false ideals with clarity. Once I had a child I discovered that most of those things didn’t happen, especially the filling of the void in me. But at the time I just felt it was me not doing motherhood well enough. I didn’t realise that was part of the setup to keep us feeling not enough!
It always intrigues me why many speak to children as though they are unintelligent, when even science tells us that it is at a young age when our capacity for learning is greatest. I have always done my best to meet children as I would an adult, albeit a little more playfully – not because adults do not deserve also to be met with playfulness, but rather because they are not always as open and receptive when you do.
Yes Adam, we adults can get way too serious about life. Bring on the playfulness I say.
Hello Adam and don’t we just divide society up as a whole. I mean as a child you are too young to be taken seriously, a teenager you are too wild and still having growing up to do, in your 20’s you are seen but don’t have the experience, in your 30’s we can listen to you but you still have a lot to learn, in your 40’s well your getting close to your 50’s so you are a bit old now, in your 50’s we are getting ready to retire you so we listen but you are on your way out, your 60’s you are in a holding pattern not really in the world and ready for the ‘big holiday’, in your 70’s well that’s just the number after 6 and so more of the same enjoy the holiday, in your 80’s you’ve played a good innings thanks for the memories, in your 90’s I can’t believe you are still here. Is there really an age where we are seen as intelligent or in our prime?, not really and if anything the window is super small. We all have something to offer, all the time, no matter age or anything else, we are all people.
Raymond this is hilarious but so true!! Recognising that in who we are we have much to offer our whole life long is a piece of wisdom that when lived, transcends the ages and this compartmentalised way of thinking.
Hello Michelle as you say it “is hilarious but so true” and why can’t we see this. It wasn’t until I wrote it that I really thought about it. There is no perfect place, time, gender, race, right or wrong etc. We are all here, all of the time with something to share we just need to be ready to feel and see it.
This is brilliant Ray and should be a blog in itself. Showing and exposing our ridiculous ways, that no matter the age we just never seem to be good enough.
I saw a sign outside the gym the other day, basically saying “over indulged during Easter, sign up here” and as I read it, I thought we can’t win. Before Easter it is all, eat, celebrate and be love and once you have and Easter is all over, it is you have over indulged.
Thanks for sharing the ‘Easter’ signs Laura! Anyone arriving on our planet for the first time might well think that we are completely mad race of beings – spend your money on chocolate, party food and drinks, then pay even more to get rid of the bad effects by joining the gym. We really pay dearly for our comfort, at every level.
This blog exposes the many varied reasons we choose to have children when we are in a relationship, often to fill a void or we think it will bring us closer together. The responsibility you show of building your own loving foundation with yourself is a beautiful place to start to bring up and behold your children in true love. An amazing reflection, thank you Michelle.
I have been pondering on how many adults do not appreciate having children around at either social gatherings or gatherings such as lectures and so on. So often children are rejected as second class citizens or a nuisance and are not accepted as full members of society. This puts a lot of pressure on parents to hide them away or keep them quiet. When children are welcomed in full within a community or in gatherings, no matter what the purpose of the gathering is everyone can relax and be accepting of them. This feels to me a the natural way to be. Children need to know they are equal members of society and are not less for simply being who they are or being where they are at. When we can do this we can also begin to appreciate the uniqueness of each child and what he or she brings.
Hello Michelle and as we have said before children feel what is going on, like we do, well before any physical action has taken place. In this way why do we see, say adults not appreciating children “around at either social gatherings or gatherings such as lectures and so on.” I agree it partly about what you are speaking of and equally there is a part for us. Why at the point when we see what we perceive as a ‘lack of appreciation for children’ aren’t we holding that person, people or group as a true parent. In other words how are we seeing them, are we appreciating them, leading the way in what we are saying we would like to see. If we walk into any situation we will need to bring what we are saying. We will need to hold everyone in the care we see we would like for children. That way the children see that this is the norm of life, this is our lead. As you say there is appreciation needed and equally at community gatherings there is a level of care and respect needed for everyone. It easy to get lost in and see what is happening to children and as our gaze widens we can see that people are just large children, in other words the same or similar thing happened to them. We need to take great care with people and not just with children and first that great care needs to come to us, how we are and how we move with ourselves.
What you share Raymond I don’t wholly disagree with. Yes we need to treat all with understanding and care without judgment, understanding where others are at but I don’t feel we can excuse the exclusion of a section of society because they are small, any more than you could exclude someone because of his race. And besides wouldn’t you have a greater understanding of what it means to be excluded as a child if you had been treated that way yourself, and even if you had does that make it ok to do it to others? When I lived in Italy what I loved most about it was how Italian adults naturally and lovingly embraced children. I experienced time without number (and especially with men) an adult stranger really engaging with a child – making eye contact and being open, prepared to listen and being super patient. There was a real joy in this for all concerned and what I applauded was that this was totally embedded in the culture. My first experience of this was on the subway when an Italian male teenager got out of his seat to come and play with a toddler on the train. It was gorgeous to witness, absolutely gorgeous. When as a society or culture we endorse the marginalisation of children we all miss out.
Hello Michelle, I was just holding the deep care I see you have for children out to everyone. To have a “marginalisation of children” would mean it would play out in other relationships. I was bringing awareness to another part, not excuse but to see that respect for children and respect for people are the same thing. So if I walk into a room with a child and see someone not accepting that child, if at that point I don’t fully embrace that person because of this then this is equally the ‘marginalisation’ you speak of. It’s not that I don’t fully embrace children as I have 5 of my own but I have seen that they look to me and how I lead the way. If they are seeing me segregate the community, even if it is to ‘protect’ them then that is what they grow up with as a lead and it plays out in my life. Life isn’t just about raising children as you know and I don’t negate the importance of this but equally life is about people and the best role model for children to grow is how deep my care goes out, which then comes back to all of us.
I have always been very interactive with children as I have worked in the hospitality industry and I have 5 children of my own. What I am picking up on is that possibly you are asking for an equality between children and adults but in that asking it already implies to me that you might accidentally be coming from the angle that children are less.
People think that because you are a baby in a tummy that it’s okay to rub that tummy and touch you, we would not just rub a stranger without permission or do that to an adult. We think that it’s okay to pinch the cheek of a toddler as we have the right because they are small and cute.
I am not saying we should not interact with kids but it should not be a blanket approach if we are to treat them as we would others, as they are just people, some want to engage, some don’t, some are antisocial some are super social. If adults were being disruptive in a lecture then I would let them know, so I do the same with children. I don’t believe in special privileges but I do believe in love for all.
Hi Sarah and Raymond I agree with what you have said, but what I am calling out is the old adage that “children should be seen and not heard”. As an observation I have pointed out that simply a child walking into a room can cause reactions in adults, which then means a child is demeaned or rejected or disapproved of, which they can feel keenly (yes if they are disruptive it needs to be dealt with immediately), but that they deserve the respect and love as adults we should be treating each other with, and not be excluded for the very fact that they are small and have just walked into a room full of adults. As adults we need to understand and be sensitive to the fact they are children and move differently, and naturally behave differently and are perhaps not as aware of the nuances of what is needed in that moment and so on. We need to have patience with this and as a community we all have a collective responsibility in raising our young, in imparting what is and what isn’t acceptable behaviour and what is loving and what is not.
So few children, if any, realise they have a voice when encountering adults who treat them un-lovingly and have no other recourse than to accept it and get affected by it. It is very hard for a child to call it out in the moment. It is precisely because I see children so inherently equal to adults that I have to say it hurts when they are not treated this way. (Yes I still carry the hurts of my childhood of being dismissed because I was a child when I carried/was such an all encompassing love and wisdom (my heart was so open and huge) and then rejected it because of the reaction and attitude towards me of the adults in my life – this has been/was utterly devastating at a very deep level). It is possibly this hurt you have picked up on Raymond that allows me to react/judge/shut down to those adults who I observe are not honouring children, and within that I do admit that I am not holding them equally in that moment- yes definitely something profound for me to ponder on and feel – very healing (good call).
Yes Raymond, we adults are the same but in bigger bodies. We do need to take care with each other, young or old, and I totally agree this care stems from how treat ourselves.
Yes Michelle, I have been invited to weddings that have had a ‘no children’ rule, and it wasn’t that long ago that children were not very welcome in restaurants. I used to feel the pressure you mention to keep my children quiet or out of sight at certain functions. I am glad to say this tide is changing.
Yes, I am glad this culture is changing too in the UK. It’s interesting in countries like Spain and Italy there has always been an openness to children in public places like restaurants. It’s the northern European countries like the UK who have felt under pressure to keep children out of sight at certain functions.
I can understand why children may not be encouraged to accompany adults in certain places as some places may not be appropriate. But in the places that are appropriate it is so lovely to see and welcome children just as a normal part of life. If children are treated as equals then their behaviour changes to reflect this, therefore they do not need to be treated in any special way, but simply with the love and respect we should be giving to everyone equally.
So true Michelle and very exposing. I have been one of those who have questioned critically why parents would bring children to certain events or gatherings and I can feel now how it was indicative of my own lack of openness and an avoidance of the reflection that young children offer to us all. They do not pander but say it or show it how it is. My lack of self-worth and holding back of myself was shown to me in the way children would often behave towards me – shy, awkward etc. I have changed a great deal now thanks to the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine so these days I love having children around. What I feel now is my own grace, love and tenderness, plus some playfulness and lots of joy coming back to me. We learn so much from each other.
This is so honest – a really interesting and insightful read. Thanks Lucy!
“To behold my children in true love” is key for me in parenting Michelle. And to be able to behold them in true love I have to behold myself in true love first, otherwise there is no foundation in me to be like that in my role as a parent, but instead I will provide them with a emotional type of love that in fact will not serve any of us at all but will only keep us in emotional dependancy of each other without any growth or evolution in it.
I have seen so many times how the connection gets lost with children and young people as they start getting older. With parents having busy and sometimes stressful lives and for a bit of ‘peace and quiet’ screens replace conversations and relationships. This is an incredibly loveless and currently common path that is happening almost everywhere, so it really great to here how you are so responsible with parenting even to the point where you are willing to see, feel and heal issues and past hurts that get in the way of this.