I had always hoped I would have children one day. As I got older and was approaching my mid-thirties I had started to give up on the idea that it would happen and felt quite sad about it. I had always been very much caught up in the ideal or need of having children and there was a big void in my life, something missing that I felt perhaps children could fill up or distract me from.
I can hardly credit it now but I had some very different ideas back then about what having a baby meant:
• That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Once I met my husband and we had our two children, it did not take me long to feel that all that stuff I had been feeling was false.
Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it. There was a big part of me that felt empty and needy which I had not fully admitted to myself before.
I now knew that having children was not going to make this go away.
I would have to make the choice to fill the void by learning to love and nurture myself and to not expect my husband and children to do it for me. In fact, the unspoken demand that a man or child should fill up my emptiness was incredibly irresponsible; an outrageous burden to be placed on anyone, let alone a child.
What about simply wanting to bring a child into the world because you know that you can offer a foundation of love to that child to help it grow and evolve as a human being, without the need to be loved back or to get recognition for it?
To get to this point however, I had to get to a level of self-acceptance first and a deep appreciation for my own unique loving expression. I knew I couldn’t really offer a foundation of love to a child when my body was still rigid with deeply held hurts, resentments, sadness and emptiness.
I have now healed many of the hurts that have kept me locked within the self-perception of feeling less or not good enough which caused the emptiness I had felt and had left me feeling in constant tension. I am much more aware of how I have tried to control life and I am learning to let go of the false masks I have worn. I have done all of this not only for myself, but also in the knowledge that the quality I own in my body has its impact on those all around me, especially my beautiful children who share my life and home.
As my children have grown, now aged 5 and 7, I have noticed a huge shift within myself as I have become more committed to me and to life. I certainly do not see my children in any capacity of having to serve out any of my needs or to confirm me in any way. This is something I am committed to owning – to honestly feel what is going on for me and to work out where the gaps in love are for myself and where my negative choices have the potential to keep playing out.
This huge shift has come about with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. With my increasing awareness of what the different tensions in my body have been/are about, and a deep inner knowing that how I was living my life was far from the potential of the love that is within me that is natural to express, I have learnt to sift through my un-communicated feelings, articulate them and am letting them go – one by one.
The love I now hold myself in translates to the quality in which I hold my children and this is something that will continue to evolve and deepen.
So now I have seen that having children is a great opportunity to:
• Know when to step in and take a step back,
• Hold myself steady when they lose it or make some daft choices so that they don’t feel belittled or less,
• Appreciate the joy in our loving connection and in their developing expression in the world,
• Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,
• Hold them more deeply in love and just observe – in this space they see for themselves whether the choices they make are loving or not,
• Hand trust in themselves back to them so they are not needy of anything from outside,
• Support them to understand what they need to work on and/or let go of, to be the greater love that they naturally are,
• Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.
Being a parent has many challenges, but when I am able to behold my children in true love, not the emotional, needy love we are so used to, a beautiful tender quality is created, giving them the space and opportunity to rise up to it – lovingly so.
I often talk with my children about the quality of being we choose in every moment and that we are equal in this. I encourage my children to articulate when they feel I have gone hard, the quality that is opposite to love. When they express themselves without any reaction I feel truly blessed and held.
I am so full of appreciation and love for the fact that they are choosing to express the truth they are feeling – saying it as it is. My learning has supported theirs and they in turn support me again.
After all I have learned, observed, felt and experienced, I see my role as a parent very much one of supporting my children to know who they are, to love and appreciate themselves in full for all the amazingness that they individually bring, whilst supporting them to take responsibility for their choices and to be catalysts for true love in a world that sorely needs it.
As a responsible parent I continue to let go of any investment in this particular outcome, freeing up more space for more observation and more love and support – truly getting out of the way and allowing them the freedom to evolve at their own pace.
By Michelle McWaters
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Motherhood & Detachment: an Essential Element to True Love
1,077 Comments
In our togetherness we become so much more if we allow ourselves to understand that a freshly born child is not new in this earthy life, that they have been here before as much as you have and in that we are equal on our way back to where we belong and do need that cycle of death and birth until that time we have found our way back.
“Know that their worth and utter amazingness is in who they are and not in what they do.” To know this, that our amazingness lies in our being-ness of who we are and not what we do, is a gift for us all to have and live by.
I love that phrase ‘to hand trust in themselves back so they are not needy of the outside world’. That is how we can help them develop a relationship with themselves, a connection with their body and their divinity that is not defined by another. The best gift a parent can give.
There’s so much in what you share here, Michelle. Parenting means preparing our next generation for their life, and it is going to look all very different depending on what we make our life about. And when we can be very honest about the mess and unsettlement in our own personal life and the world at large, perhaps we can begin to understand what truly matters.
It’s so inspiring to read about true parenting, where the focus on molding a perfect child is left by the wayside and it’s about everyone learning from each other and allowing the space for all involved, children and parents to just be who they are.
There is so much investment that we can fall into when we choose to parent. This in addition to societal expectations can be overwhelming. This blog is a great example on how parenting can be simple and all comes back to how we connect and care for ourselves, which can then become a foundational model for those we parent.
This is such a beautiful and honest sharing which I’m sure many can resonate with. This is inspiring!
Thank you Michelle your blog is testament to the refreshing difference it makes to hold children in true love as apposed to needy emotional love.
“Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes,” This is such an important role as a parent as we all learn by our mistakes – and children are the most wonderful teachers.
That I could have a little person who would love me and I could love back,
• That I would be classified as a successful woman by having had a child and hold my head high in society,
• That I would be accepted even more in my family for producing a grandchild or niece/nephew,
• That I could fulfill the criteria of having a child before time ran out,
• That having a baby would complete me in some way or give added purpose to life,
• That it would appease the sadness/emptiness I was in.
Michelle I can so relate to all the ideals that you list pre having children – it exposes this all pervasive sense of being less and the enormous pressure we blindly accept. Today I am surrounded by some magnificent role models that need nothing or nobody to identify or validate them. Women that have been impulsed to build a natural rhythm into their everyday lives that supports them to be truly confident from the inside out.
“Support them to connect with their inner wisdom and encourage them to make their own choices by allowing them to feel the consequences of their mistakes.” This is beautiful Michelle as how often are children told how they should do something or how they should behave without allowing them to experience their own expression in that situation. And in that there is no good and there is no wrong, there is only learning and when we are allowed and encouraged to live that from young we will continue to express ourselves in this unique quality throughout our whole life. How amazing is that!
Yes it is so important that our children get to feel that there is no right and wrong, simply opportunities for learning and to feel to what is loving and what is not, and to make their choices accordingly. One of the most powerful things we can do for our children is for them to make their own choices based on what is loving because they want to, not because they have been told to. When children feel imposed upon to behave in a certain way, underneath a lot of resentment can be harboured, which is not healthy. Get a child to feel they are still awesome along side that learning opportunity and they will arise to the occasion!
Being a parent is not an easy task, in my experience anyway, it has its ups and downs and tests us to the limits at times. That is a very important point that the love we show our kids is true and not loaded with our hurts or emotions. Children need boundaries as you give them an inch and they will take a mile but the right balance is needed being lovingly firm but giving them room to breath and grow into who they truly are without loading them with issues and hurts like some of our parents may have done to us.
The more I commit to myself and life the easier it is becoming to support my children to commit to themselves and life and the more I share and communicate how I am feeling with an openess, the more they share with me what is going on for them. To not put them down in any way and to treat them as an equal feels so natural and supports them to be themselves.
Parenting is not limited to those who have children. I have received great parenting advice from people who don’t have children and also enjoy other people stepping in a parenting with me. As a parent, I have to say I far prefer the team approach than trying to do it all on my own.
We all know that there is a huge amount of responsibility in raising children that is often not spoken about or for many is part of the daily struggle. A blog like this reminds us that the greatest parenting support we can provide for children is to work on our own levels of responsibility. Where are we choosing not to look at the quality we life and appreciate about ourselves before we then model this to our young?
It is so refreshing to read about what the purpose of raising a child is about. It appears that the desire for some people to have children comes from a neediness that plays out throughout the child’s life (and into adulthood) placing a burden on the child to be something for the parent.
It’s great to see you writing about being responsible for loving yourself, and not demanding another do it for you in lieu of that. It exposes the emptiness running unchallenged in so many relationships in our lives, where we demand love from others yet don’t know how to give it to ourselves. The love we generate for ourselves is so rich and self sustaining, it can be our first focus in life every single day, and no one loses from this, we all benefit from another’s choice to be loving with themselves.
Bringing children into the world from a true impulse of loving oneself and knowing you can offer this same gift to your children is the standard for parenting in the future.
So often parents remonstrate with their children over their behaviour but do not clock that they are talking from bodies that don’t live what they are saying. For example, children know that when their parents say to them ‘don’t smoke’ and the parents don’t smoke but are disregarding in many other ways the children feel the words as hollow. When children hear words spoken from a body that lives in love and regard (without perfection) they listen, as the words uttered come from an authority from the body, not the head. We all know what the truth is but very few of us live it to the best of our ability. Children are craving this role model from adults and they get very disillusioned that it is rarely, if ever there.
It is deeply inspiring that parents such as you Michelle are leading the way with true parenting and allowing children the space to truly evolve and make choices that are loving and responsible.
[…] As a mother, it is very easy for me to pull my kids up when they make some loveless choices. I understand it is not about being their friend but about being a constant reflection for what love is, within my capacity to do so, so that they […]
As we all know, children can emanate so much love that they simply light up the room. Their divine little presence is a bundle of joy, and no matter how much they may scream, keep you up all night, throw their food, the absolute love that they are is without question.
Now, being a parent of this love is not without its challenges, especially when you yourself have learnt over the many years of life to dull down your own light and have learnt how to not be the love that you are, and were unreservedly as a child.
My children have given me the gift of rekindling that love, because I know that they actually do not want anything else.
I love how your sharing is opening out what it is to parent and how having children does not take away our responsibility to tend to and nurture ourselves – children or anything for that matter cannot fill the gap of love we do not give ourselves, in fact they can even highlight it more, as Michelle shares here. Our responsibility is always to love ourselves and share that love with others, children or adults, without using either as props or demanding they do for us what we are not willing to do for ourselves.
I’ve returned to this blog today as I enjoyed commenting on it before. I wonder if how we see parenting is different? Are we still seeing adults and children or are we seeing a quality that can be brought by anyone at anytime in any situation. Parenting doesn’t belong in the box we tick it in, it is a far greater understanding. But we may continue to protect the fortress we have built around this word and action. Even when you say parenting you can almost feel the structure we place around it. As I have said parenting in it’s current form doesn’t hit the mark of what true parenting is. This isn’t to critique anyone but more to show that there is more to this, how are you seeing parenting?
Great question Ray, how do we box off parenting and ourselves in doing so? I do not have children and so it’s very easy from this position to see parenting as not my responsibility or something over there, and yet that’s not it – we are all parents, but do we actually live that, and how do we live that? If we look at our wider society we definitely do not live this, we’ve pushed everything back to the nuclear family and in doing so we’ve ignored the wider responsibility we all share in society – it’s a very clever trick as each nuclear family is left to fend for themselves and this definition leaves each unit as discrete and separated. Yes we all live in a broader wider society what if we parented for all of us, whether we had kids or not, for if my responsibility is to live in a way that supports everyone around me no matter who they are, and what if that included having those wider conversations about how we all live, and how we support each other and our children? What if true parenting is about all of us living in a way that supports us to be loving in who we are, and to know and understand that every single person matters no matter what their connection to us, and that if we do not all live taking this into account then that other is not being parented? And what if parenting never stops, what if it’s about adults as well as children, and that it’s about each of us learning more each day how to live the responsibility we all naturally carry to bring who we truly are to the world?
Michelle this is such refreshing blog, often ideals and beliefs around parenting can be so stagnating you have shined your living wisdom on a much needed topic.
Hello Michelle and thank you for your blog. We run parenting down the narrowest of corridors, it’s like a set of unspoken rules that seem to go along with the word and the action. You can only be a parent: at a particular age, in a certain relationship, to children and only to your children and the list goes on. It’s like there is this perceived perfect model and everything else that doesn’t fit into that model is somehow strange and not worthy. We need to broaden are awareness of what parenting is and about, even just saying the word watch an image come into your head. Parenting as it currently stands isn’t truly parenting, it’s a definition from a narrow corridor.
Beautifully articulated Ray. Yes – just say the word “parent”and see what definitions come through! We have been fed an image of what this is and as a result have dismissed is wider truer meaning and have kept ourselves in a straight jacket of linear understanding. Just as we are all teachers we are all parents too. We need to understand that we can parent anyone of any age at any time. It is simply about offering a quality of holding support and wisdom to someone when needed. It is also important to note that all of us need parenting from time to time even if we have children to look after – indeed it is possible for our children to ‘parent’ us too!
Amazing blog Michelle! I am not a parent, but it seems there can be many pitfalls when one is a parent; first needing the child to be something for us, imposing on the child, letting our own hurts and frustrations get in the way of assessing what is true, not trusting ourselves, trying to ‘wrap in cotton wool’ etc. what you have described feels like a very loving way of parenting, one that recognises its faults which is amazing to begin with! An an ever deepening commitment to love and understanding, there is no bounds in love.
Truly beautiful Michelle, knowing that what we crave can’t be filled from outside of us is a beautiful gift, that Serge Benhayon presents so clearly. It is important to self love, and be in this with others to support them in their development. It is a big responsibility to be a parent, to be able to support a small human being to grow in their own amazingness, keeping and nurturing the precious nature that they innately are from the moment they enter this world.
Yes Benkt it is a big responsibility to be a parent but it doesn’t have to be a burden. As has been said a number of times in this thread when you have an honest loving relationship with yourself and understand the bigger picture loving parenting comes super naturally and there is no trying at all. As a mum apart from having to be super organised and physically very active when your children are young there really is nothing to it – it simply seems to happen through the foundation that has been laid with an open heart and awareness!
What a blessing your children are experiencing being mothered by you Michelle. I am not sure if you where mothered in this way yourself. I know I was not. Your children will not carry forward the ill parenting patterns that may have perpetuated for generations. Congratulations!
Thank you Concetta. No I wasn’t parented in this way. I had to learn as I went along. I think the key for me is to stay open to looking at all areas within myself that are not loving and to keep refining as I go, as we can always go deeper with it. It is also really important to understand that there is no perfection and to not beat yourself up if you make mistakes, go hard or react to your kids. While the reactions are not great if you are honest with your kids and talk to them they are very forgiving, and mine have never held back from expressing love or in letting go of anything that has hurt them. Within that they are also learning to look at the part they play in any given situation. They also understand I am not perfect and that it is unrealistic for them to expect me to be or for me to expect them to be!
Wow Michelle, I love this very honest blog ! It may sound crazy to some, but I feel couples need education about what it is like to be a parent before they actually become a parent. Thank you for sharing.
Children bring so much laughter and fun into my life that when I am presented with this playfulness and I do not respond in the same way I am definitely not myself. It is great to have markers in our lives to show us where we are at but it does depend on whether we are open or not.
It’s so lovely to feel parents parenting without the control and manipulation over the children to behave and be a certain way, which is so imposing and harming for a child’s growth. This is to not be soft and a roll over as firmness and discipline is very much needed also. I’d love to read more on that.
Truly beautiful, this shows how true parenting can be done through creating a foundation of love in ourself, so we can support children to stay this love they innately are and evolve at their own pace.
Living ‘the Way of the Livingness’ is true preparation for parenthood because we learn to look after ourselves first and foremost before we care for others and we learn to accept everyone, including our children, loving them unconditionally without imposition. This understanding could be taught as a course for newly wed couples embarking on their journey together in adult life before they prepare for parenthood, there’s so much potential here Michelle.
Yes Gill indeed. I am very appreciative of the fact that I had been adopting “the Way of the Livingness” before I had my children. Not withstanding I found once I had my children that there was still much for me to let go of and learn. The marvellous thing about children is that there is no off button and every, and I mean everything, is a reflection back to you of your choices. My kids are like a mirror reflecting back to me my quality – sometimes the reflection is sublime – open, honouring, exquisitely gentle, loving, fun, warm and incredibly spacious. At other times there can be a shutting down, a tension, emotion and a rush. The absolute key here is reading the situation as I mention in my blog. I ask myself is this a reflection back to me of my quality, or is this simply where my child is at because of what is going on for them? On these occasions I feel my body to see where it is at – this tells me all I need to know. I can then either lovingly work on myself, or lovingly support my son or daughter, even if this simply means giving them the space to feel where they are at also. This is a huge lesson in itself and there is much more besides – as you say Gill there is much potential here.
Michelle I had a massive shock when I had my son. I have never felt so terrible in my life as I did when he was 6 months old. A combination of sleep deprivation and not being able to readily medicate myself with exercise and partying lead to me feeling utterly empty. I didn’t realise at the time that I had been medicating myself with exercise even through my pregnancy. If I were to get pregnant again it would be a radically different experience.
“Whilst on the outside it looked like I was doing well, I realised I had been living my life incomplete within myself but I hadn’t been totally honest about it.” we can take this stament and apply to most of humanity. It is sad it is the ‘norm’ to push away and hide our feelings.
There are so many ideals about parenting and what we think that children need. For me true parenting is when we as parents can let go of our own needs and see children as an equal.
This is such a profound read for anyone embarking on the journey of parenting, Michelle, you have tapped into your innate wisdom about parenting and sharing it serves all parents’ to be’ who read it. It would be a wonderful hand out for NCT groups, have you considered developing a small publication booklet or starting giving some talks to antenatal groups?
Gill thank you so much for the suggestion and encouragement. I had thought of offering parenting support groups but didn’t know where to start. This is a perfect idea and one that fills me with joy (I know that I can really support here!) Beautiful – I’ll let you know how it goes!!
Absolutely, this is such a caring offering. If we don’t consider it then we can blindly muddle through till something or some behaviour calls us to a big stop. It would be so much more supportive all round to be aware of this potential.
Michelle It is so gorgeous to read how you are letting go of the ‘ideals’ of parenting. It breaks the conventions of needing to own or smother your child rather than simply just appreciating what they bring and our role to support them to be all of this at each moment. Universal Medicine has supported me to understand a very true and instinctive way of parenting that is not about reading all the information out there but simply listening to the body as an absolute foundation.
Yes Hannah I have learned to trust my instincts in terms of what feels right and what does not. One of my issues before was not having that foundation you talk of – a certainty that comes from the body. When we allow the doubts that come through when living from the head it is a real killer in terms of inner confidence and knowing. That’s not to say that I don’t ever lose it or never wobble, but I am very consistent when it comes to parenting as there is an utter knowing about what my role is here… there are certainly no doubts on that score.
Yes Michelle, as a parent of three children I seem to naturally know what my role is especially when it comes to letting go of hurts from within myself that relate to the children. I simply cannot impose my issues onto them and do my best to let them go when they arise.
How amazing Michelle that you bring the quality you have developed to be with children not only to your own children but also to the children you work with in school!
It was great reading your blog again Michelle. This time I could feel how strong the ideals and believes for women are to get a child to fulfill the picture on the one side and on the other side how you have described from your own experience to fill the emptiness. How important is it that we start caring for ourselves so that we can have relationships with our family and friends based on love.