The quality of mercy is not strain’d,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath.
[Shakespeare, The Merchant Of Venice]
I love these words. They speak to me of the constancy of God’s Love.
There is a constancy of God’s Love to which we all have access throughout our lives, a constancy we can choose to express to and with each other on a daily basis.
Through my observations I cannot help but wonder: why do we as a society consistently avoid choosing to express this constancy of love in taking care of our elderly and those in Aged Care facilities?
Speaking regularly with friends who work in Aged Care facilities I find what they share with me deeply disturbing. Although they work in a number of facilities across Australian states, they consistently speak of the same issues:
- Carers working under inordinate time pressures and having to rush breathlessly from patient to patient, without time for a genuinely caring verbal interaction.
- Limited time allocation with each patient in their care so that physical ministrations end up rushed and disregarding of the physical contact taking place.
- Paperwork being complex and onerous and taking valued time away from patient care.
- Carers receiving a low award wage, many without the security of a permanent position. This leads to the carers often devaluing themselves with the net result of low professional and personal self worth and self esteem, with little or no self care taking.
- Frustration with not being able to offer fully the quality of care they can see is needed for their patients.
- ‘End of shift’ exhaustion and, at times, demoralization due to a sense of having accomplished little and not done ‘enough’.
How can a carer truly care for others without self-care and under the conditions outlined here?
Most of our elderly have contributed productively to our society in their working life. As they age, their bodies slow down and become fragile and easily hurt. Working in research for the Department of Geriatric Medicine at a teaching hospital in England, I observed how older people are often worried and afraid about the approach of death and the loss of their loved ones. They are witnessing the passing over of all of their friends. Everything about this life is ending for them.
What do we offer our elderly as they navigate their way through the final phase of life? Is it respectful to offer a perfunctory and rushed quality of care that only maintains their deteriorating bodily functions, executed by stressed fellow human beings under incredible workloads and time pressures?
Is this lack of true care what any of us would wish for ourselves or for our immediate family members? Would we want that for our children when they reach this final stage of life?
What type and quality of care would we, as a collective, like to see for our elderly?
Is it not natural for us to want to offer the following:
- Compassion — understanding with an open heart what is going on for our elderly and allocating the time to allow them to express this clearly, in their own words.
- Gentleness – bathing them and ministering to their physical needs with a tenderness of touch that honours their fragility.
- Dignity and Respect — honouring the life they have lived and offering them support and a respectful autonomy as they make their final choices in this life.
This level of care rarely occurs in our Aged Care facilities for the reasons outlined above and also possibly because of our collective attitudes, fears and beliefs about Ageing and Death.
Is it possible that we may have been quite simply ‘too busy’… and that ‘too busy’ has meant that we may not have taken the time to stop and look deeply into the eyes of a fellow human being, to look past the wrinkles, the lines and the deterioration of the physical body and to deeply connect with this person who has shared a life with us, a life that is now waning?
If we stop however and ponder on the needs of our elderly, we would readily understand that we all want compassion, gentleness, dignity and respect throughout our lives and especially as we age and our bodies wind down to pass on.
Would we not all feel that what is required is a new perspective on Aged Care? After all, do we not all want a loving connection with our fellow human beings?
As we age, do we not all truly want the constancy of God’s Love, which is always available for us to express to each other – through a gentle touch, an open smile, a caring look and the time to share our feelings? Is it not our collective responsibility to speak up about this and let our true feelings be known? Would not our systems then need to re-mould themselves to accommodate our communally articulated expectations on what we consider to be a true and new perspective on aged care?
I feel it is time for the quality of mercy to be determined by us all because ‘the quality of mercy’ lives within us all.
Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Coleen
Further Reading:
Palliative Care Nurse Elizabeth Dolan wins the NSW Health Excellence Award
Death & Dying – A Taboo Topic or a Joyful, Normal Conversation?
662 Comments
That is a very important topic you are raising here Coleen. How come that we forget, that we are all the same, no matter what age? That we all love to be seen, respected and touched by heart..
Thank you Steffi it is so true what you say that no matter whatever our age we all want to be seen and respected.
Love it Steffi, we do forget that people of all ages have the same base desire for connection and care
Thank you for starting this much needed conversation Coleen. In his last few months my father had many carers come into his home and the vast majority were lovely and caring and did their very best within the limited time they had. What I noticed was that they were often overburdened because they were short staffed and this was because there was so much sickness absence with chest infections etc but also broken bones and bad backs. It felt like they were doing the job because they cared about people but they struggled to truly care for themselves and this had a huge impact on their ability to do their job consistently and support their clients and colleagues.
Hi Coleen the topic of care for the elderly in aged care facilities is something that needs some attention, life is eternal and the quality of ones existance in their senior years is the same quality that they will re incarnate into in the following lifetime. So lets ensure the elderly are given as much love and nurturing as possible.
Great comment Monica – this peels back the layers and exposes some of the real reasons why our elderly are ignored and treated so badly.
It always strikes me as a travesty that those whom we entrust with caring for those who are in most need of our care are so often treated so poorly and so often under resourced. The fact that we tend to view people in their prime as the only ones worthy of attention seems to have lead to a situation where the aged are not valued for who they are. But they are still love as much as any one of us.
‘As we age, do we not all truly want the constancy of God’s Love?’ A great question, in aged care, for parenting small children, for looking after ourselves and others during our adult life. There should be no difference in the care we take of others, or for that matter ourselves no matter what age we are, so to hear that the aged are shunned and not met in geriatric care is a travesty.
‘Gentleness – bathing them and ministering to their physical needs with a tenderness of touch that honours their fragility.’ When people are in a hurry because there is a lot to do in a short space of time, gentleness tends to go out of the window. We have seen some horror stories about failing aged care on the TV in the UK and yet most people who work in that industry really do care. The pressure comes from limited budgets leading to staff shortages resulting in stress all round. Our older people are living longer, many living alone, and moving them to a care home can be a solution for many families if everybody is out at work and unable to care for an elderly relative 24/7. Something needs to change so that the focus is on people not profits.
True Carmel… and we also need to look at how we prepare for this phase of life and the care we need to support us as we age. So often we push ‘getting older’ out of our mindset until it is upon us and we cannot escape it.
How different would our elderly years be if we lovingly prepared for them, rather than denied them.
Carmel I have bought a house that I will share with others in my latter years, and when we require assistance, we will have a live in who can lovingly support us to continue to be actively engaged in our surroundings and in life. I have witnessed many times the reluctance of people to look to the future and plan the support, often denying their fragility and acceptance of any care, which leaves the responsibility to family and friends.
What you have shared here Merrilee is ground breaking. I have heard you talk of this before but presented here it is just beautiful. The level of responsibility and brotherhood you have considered, how awesome is that?!
This is very true that in observing how we treat different minorities we really get to see what is going on, especially those who are no longer seen to hold a dominant or powerful position.
Thank you Colleen for bringing forth this much needed expose of attitudes towards our aged communities and the quality of aged care in western and so called ‘advanced’ and ‘intelligent’ societies. Your concerns are central to my life right now. I regularly visit a aged care home, and for three years have worked as a carer supporting people in their own homes. I have witnessed firsthand much of what you describe. I have observed the reality of how many aged people live: alone, neglected, frightened, often isolated. I note the quality of care given in and out of institutions where resources are scant and yet the level of care given meets an approved ‘standard’. I’m appalled at low staff ratios in aged care considering the complex physical and emotional needs most people have. I ask myself ‘Where is the love?’ ‘Where is the connection?’ How is it possible that we are touched, moved and embrace new born babies and yet repulsed, fearful and abandon that same soul when it reaches old age. If we cannot love and embrace an aged person in the way we do a new born baby are we truly being love and seeing both as equal, one and the same. The aged person vulnerable and fragile as a new born baby is worthy of the gentle, tender loving care and attention you describe. Anything less is a form of abuse and confirms how loveless a society we’ve become.
Great discussion to be opening Coleen about the quality of care we are providing our elderly. I have to be honest and say that there was a time when I felt that old age was simply inevitable but that I had never given much consideration to how our elderly were cared for, other than beyond meeting their basic functional needs (how arrogant and ignorant when I look back now!). I am now realising that age should not an automatic pre-cursor for the type of care someone receives, nor that they should be ignored or seen as less or having nothing to offer. We are all equal human beings, and the quality of care offered should be no less than any other, and this applies to the level and quality of care for those doing the primary caring.
I agree Monica, everyone deserves to be treated equally with love, care and respect. It is a travesty what goes on in many age care homes.
Some great points Coleen, it is crazy how we treat our elderly, our parents. Booting ‘loved’ ones off to nursing homes is not always the most loving thing to do. They become seen as a financial burden, a money drain even though it may be their money being used to look after them it means less inheritance. We live in a very self absorbed society and all the focus is on self gain rather than love for all. It is a very hard job working in a care home and more support is definitely needed. What will help the system is when more and more people take charge of their lives and age gracefully, thus needing less medical interventions meaning the system has more money to deal with people who really need help and support.
It would change the whole system James. Great point you are raising here!
James, you have brought up a very important point here, “What will help the system is when more and more people take charge of their lives and age gracefully, thus needing less medical interventions meaning the system has more money to deal with people who really need help and support”. When people begin to take more responsibility in how they live their lives, begin to really nurture and care for themselves, there will be far less people requiring long term care, more people being able to stay in their own homes for much longer, and therefore much less cost to the system and more over to help those who still need the extra help. Maybe then, workers can be paid what they truly deserve, and more time and true care can be given to those who require the help.
Great pont James, ‘what will help the system is when more and more people take charge of their lives and age.” Once this happens there will be a total reconfiguration. An elderly joyful and responsive person is a delight to be around and such a person will never need to wonder who will care for them. We love to be around people such as this and with such wisdom to offer these people will not be left alone but revered.
Good point James. The ‘self’ motivated life serves noone.
Yes James it has to come from both sides, or actually from all sides! I can feel there is a ‘you will get a disease at the end of your life anyway’ mentality in society so that it does not really matter how you live your life. Though this is so not true, through taking care of ourselves and others with that much illnesses can be prevented.
This is not just happening in Australia but the UK too. I agree Carers are not being fully appreciated or paid their worth, this puts an added strain onto them. Not only that in the UK it is too easy to become a carer; I did this years ago. The training was minimal and I got sent to vulnerable elderly people’s houses on my own without even them first meeting me! Quite shocking and with the lack of jobs people go for care work because it is a job, not because they deeply care for others and feel impulsed to care. You have called out here something that needs to be changed globally and are so right with everything you have said. So how do we change this? Is it by first taking care of ourselves and teaching others to do this? In some cultures the elderly are respected and cared for by the family but this seems to be happening less and less. I agree this does definietly needs to be changed.
Its a good point Vicky – how have we gone from a society that used to respect and honour our venerable elderly, to one that treats them with such a paucity of real care? Its shocking.
Yes it Simon it seems as a society we do not value our elderly in the way that we know is true, much of this I feel is to do with the many differing forms of media and how it glamourises the young and also ourselves for not claiming our worth as we age.
It is the same here in Japan too, Vicky. You can become qualified as a carer easily, and there are many jobs on offer because people do not stay on their job long so they are always looking for new people.
This is true, Vicky it seems that job pages are flooded with the need for carers, and there are people who do it just for a job however I have spoken to many who do the job because they care but then become disillusioned as they are not given the time to fully care and treat the patients with dignity as they are always moved on quickly to the next job. Could this be why they are having to constantly recruit new people? It is time to address the lack of care and need to discard a part of society that still have a lot to offer and deserve time, respect, their dignity, care and Love till the last breath.
Great points Doug. We are hanging on to life at the expense of quality and as Katerina beautifully pointed out, in the absence of God’s love. It makes sense to care for our elderly ourselves, because we know them and it supports them to feel cared for by their community, still having a place within the community. It allows time for them to share stories of their life, their wisdom learned. We have examples of this type of care within our community and we now know it is possible and will support the evolution of us all.
The training these days has been tightened up due to legislative requirements which includes documented orientation and induction of each new employee. Yes there are people in the job because they cannot seem to do any other work but I’ve found 95% of aged care workers are called upon to be genuinely caring and responsive to their elderly patients and residents needs, despite their initial resistance sometimes! And of course it’s not perfect and 100% each time. And those who just don’t care, don’t last in the job – no manager is going to have their patients and residents being treated wrongly. Residents (and relatives) are also quite capable of lodging a complaint, and they do, so it’s not always?usually? as grim a situation as the media and our beliefs can present.
That’s such a significant insight Monica… we dread our own mortality, our own inevitable wrinkles and frail bodies to be and don’t want to know about it. We do the same when it comes to death; a hush-hush taboo topic of the inevitable grim reaper we don’t talk about. And so we walk about numbed out to the reality of life, in truth terrified of a certainty we know we must address, and in doing so we actually miss out on living life in full, and in cherishing every single moment, our loved ones and ourselves to the very end and beyond.
Absolutely Katerina. This dread and fear shapes our lifestyle to the bone.
It’s no wonder that we shut down as we age, and give up, feel worthless and of no use based on the way we have constructed a societal ‘shunning’ of growing old and this phase of life.
If our elder years were respected as the sacred and deeply valuable time that they in fact are, and a preparation for all that is to come, rather than a dead stop – every single facet of our world would change, and life as we know it would be enriched from our first breath to our last and then our first as we do it all over again.
Great question Coleen. I wonder if there is ofte a ‘giving up’ all round – patients, carers and families all seeing older age as an end game, rather than an equally important part of the cycle of life and death.
It is heart warming to feel the love that you express through this blog Coleen. And I agree, the way we go with our health care services do not appreciate the people we care for and do not appreciate the carers for the work they do, but are at the moment are driven by the financial outcome of the whole. I vote for reintroducing the quality of mercy into our societies and to deliver the care that is needed for all the people that are in need for it. Our modern societies should strive to implement this quality in life instead of all the technological and financial advancements for the so called continuous improvement of life that are put on to it.
This is a powerful piece of writing Coleen, on a topic that absolutely needs more care and attention. The aged care in modern society is devoid of true care, dignity and respect is a huge warning bell for where we’re at, a huge warning bell to take a moment to stop and consider deeply if the world we have set up with all its distractions, attractions and highs and lows of modern life is truly in line with what you have expressed so beautifully — the ‘constancy of God’s love’. We live our lives in the dismissal of God’s love and then dread the final years and death. That is a tragedy, and yet we can all turn this around by simply connecting and allowing God’s love to be a constant in our lives.
There is real opportunity for change here so that there need not be this known ‘dread’ that you speak of Katerina. There are some careers of the elderly who do amazingly within their job. Where their level of sensitivity and care is extraordinary. Big picture wise there is a long way for us to go so that our elderly are treated in a way and manner that we would like for ourselves.
Brilliant comment Katerina, you have expressed so beautifully, inspiring and to the point. I agree, we can choose to change this tragedy around ‘by simply connecting and allowing God’s love to be a constant in our lives.’ I love this line. Thank you Katerina.
Thank Coleen for bringing my attention to this. It is not that I did not know before about it because you can just feel it, the lack of care we collectively put into elderly care, but your blog really made me stop ignoring this constant feeling it and starting to feel how it can truly be approached. What I really feel from this blog is that many people, including me, are very busy indeed that we do not consider it will be us in time that will be living in a aged care home. What care would we like to receive? I feel it has also to do with the feeling of that we are only important as long we are able to work and do things, the last part of our life is deeply undervalued in society. In fact everyone counts and everything that is going on is felt deeply so by all. I love that you have brought attention to this as it will be very beautiful to make this part of human life a more loving part.
Coleen this is a wonderful blog to read. Our society is obsessed with youth and staying young looking. The aged get overlooked and that sense of no longer being viable comes across strongly in the way we treat our elderly. We forget that if we are fortunate enough, we too will be old one day. I agree it’s our collective responsibility to look after each other. The simple things you talk about like ‘a gentle touch, an open smile, a caring look and the time to share our feelings’ should not be denied to anyone, least of all our aged brothers and sisters.
An elderly frail person is the same person who was a newborn baby needing equal tender touch for their personal care in feeding, washing, hygiene and human contact. The elderly deserve the same valued time spent with them honouring them for who they are not for the increasingly physically dependent task their body has become.
Coleen a very profound article and for something for all of us to ponder on. It is time for the “quality of mercy which lives with us all”. Like you say the aged care want to have some compassion, gentleness and divinity and respect.
Coleen, your blog is written in such a tender way, I am deeply touched by your words. It has left me feeling ashamed on behalf of the human race at being too busy, or self-centered to take greater care of our elderly, and show them the respect and dignity they deserve.
I know what you mean Sandra, there does seem to be a devaluing of our elderly and care seems functional at best.
Just to add also Sandra, it seems as though as a humanity we have lost our purpose and this reflects in our attitude to the elderly.
You raise some very good points here Coleen, our elderly do deserve the utmost of care, with the carer being valued as much as the cared for, with enough time to be gentle and tender with the tasks that have to be undertaken.
Kevin your statement above should be taken to parliament and addressed here and now. Our carers all around the world need to be valued for what they do and given enough time to do it in.
Absolutely Kevin, the carer has to be valued as much as the cared for, both by themselves and us, so they take care of themselves and understand and feel what this means.
This is an interesting topic and almost taboo as it seems what happens to us when we age seems to be a rather avoided topic. I have seen throughout my own life that as people age many become considered a burden and are not cared for or given the true respect or treated with the dignity that they deserve. I have also seen as you have described Coleen how much the aged care system is set up in such a way that it does not offer true care, placing unrealistic expectations on nurses and carers and in no way offering the time or attention needed to the development of true self-care amongst staff or patients. I feel as you say it is time that the lovelessness is brought to the attention of all and we begin to take true responsibility for the fact we have all allowed this to occur. It is time our elderly be valued and appreciated for the true wisdom they have to offer and given the true love and care we all equally deserve.
I have worked with the elderly at the end of their lives: in a hospital setting; in their homes; and spent the last few months of my mother’s life caring for her at home, with the help of my children. In every occasion, going back over many years, I could see the fear, the frailty and the vulnerability of these wonderful people who were facing the end of this life, not knowing how this was going to unfold. I used to put myself in their place and ask how I would want to be cared for at this time, and the answer came easy; with compassion, love, dignity and understanding and with, as you write so beautifully: “the constancy of God’s love…… through a gentle touch, an open smile, a caring look and the time to share our feelings?”. This is what everyone, whose time in this life is coming to a close, deserves; nothing less.
There is great dignity and preciousness in the process of passing over. Our value does not diminish as we age, right to the very end. The end of life is as sacred as its beginning. How lost have we become to have lost the understanding of that?
I supported my mother though the end of her life. It was a blessing to be so intimately involved with her departure from from life – it was humbling and revelatory. We all lose by disconnecting from this truth. No matter how much we try to tuck away the aspects of life we do not like, they do not go away, and in the hiding from the parts we do not like, we miss out on the gloriousness, wisdom and evolution they offer too.
I have often heard elderly people say, “I might look old and wrinkly but i feel as if i’m still in my 20’s”. To me, this shows that there is a living sparkle within us all that never ages… its just the body that wears and tears … So just in this, we can see the true benefit of self care… maintaining the body to be as well and vital as it can be, by self caring, mirrors the sparkle that is felt within.
If we looked into the eye of those we are caring for, not judge a book by its cover, recognising that we are all the same, just at a different part of human age span, the way we interact, and incorporating our own self care, we would make such a difference in the delivery of health care. The way we deliver care to patients needs to be equal in the delivery of care, respect and love as we would deliver to ourselves. No one in this exchange gets less or more than the other… its the same-same delivery of care to patients as it is to the health care provider.
My mother had home help with showering four times a week during her final years. She and my father were often unsettled by not having a regular time of arrival, or feeling rushed. Thank you for writing about the carers’ difficulties Coleen, as it seems like we need to start with how they are trained and supported, so that their clients also receive the most tender care.
Thankyou Coleen, for deeply honouring and celebrating the love that we are, no matter our age. By truly caring for our elderly, with dignity, compassion and gentleness, we allow ourselves to live the fullness of our love with all, and in this way show that we are each valued and loved at all times. As the constancy of God’s love does not falter for a second, so to should ours follow this steady course. As a humanity it is what we are thirsty for.
This is true Liane. It takes a high degree of dissociation, a sort of inner fragmentation to forget how essential dignity, respect, and tenderness are at every stage of life. Never do we reach a point when we become unworthy of this – never.
By bringing in the love of God and its unwavering hold in which we all live – well you have highlighted just how far we have strayed from that. Our love is so measured according to…well what exactly? Nationality, culture, religion, age, occupation – we use them all to yardstick our love, vale and care.
Well if we have a yardstick out, can we call it love?
No Rachel, it then becomes measured, and what a mess we would be in if God measured his love for us. Love is love, for all and everyone
So true: “ the constancy of God’s love does not falter for a second, so to should ours follow this steady course. As a humanity it is what we are thirsty for.” So it doesn’t matter if we are young or old or if we are in a relationship with a young or old person, either through work or personal, we can constantly love them without holding back.
We celebrate our young when they are born into our world, but do we celebrate our elderly when it is time to pass on? We do not. Our inability (refusal) to celebrate death and the process leading up to it comes from our chosen ignorance to not see the grand cycle of all things that we are an innate part of. Preferring instead to view life as a straight line with a beginning point (point A – ‘birth’) that magically appears, and an finite end point (point B – ‘death’) we fear and can’t (won’t) face. We quite happily acknowledge what occurs between point A and point B, and this we call life, or ‘human existence’. But what of all that is lived from point B to point A? Because we have come to believe that all that exists does so in physical form only, despite the fact that “everything is energy” (Albert Einstein) we ‘forget’ (ignore) the fact that we continue to evolve once the human form is departed from.
Thus we delay our evolution in returning back to our Divine origins (love) by insisting on walking a straight line on a sphere (Earth). But, we can’t walk a straight line on a sphere without returning back to the same point from which we started, we can only fool ourselves that this not happening. But just because we choose to not see that which occurs beyond our chosen blindness, does not mean that it is not occurring. When we insist on living in a lineal way within a spherical universe, deep down we know that something is not right. In the tension that is thus created, we then misleadingly believe that it is ‘death’ that we fear, when really it is our refusal to live what is true from the depths of our being, whether we are ‘in form’ or not, that creates dis-ease in our bodies and in our beings. The constancy of God’s love is lived after death as it is in life until it is time to come back and do it all again. As such, it should be our commitment to live the constancy of this love with ourselves and with each other, no matter which part of the great cycle we may currently be on.
I’ll walk with that, all the way around! Magnificently said Liane.
Beautiful how you bring it back to us living in cycles and not wanting to admit we all know that we are evolving back to our original state of divine being. Love your last sentence:
“it should be our commitment to live the constancy of this love with ourselves and with each other, no matter which part of the great cycle we may currently be on.”
I have had the experience working very closely with an elderly woman as she has reached her twilight years and there is no doubt that the choice she has made known very clearly is to say no to love. The barriers she has placed around herself to ensure she does not let love in are phenomenal and many carers who have come and gone in her employ, have expressed that this woman is an exceptional case. For myself it does not alter and indeed has strengthened my commitment to being love and not allowing an attacking, abusive energy to influence the quality of care offered. By staying so consistent in love, there has been an immense healing for this woman, albeit not acknowledged. The reason I share this in reference to this blog, is that although exceptional, it does occur that not all elderly are open or interested in compassion, gentleness, dignity and respect and indeed on the odd occasions, some may even fight it. Yet when we take the time to deeply care for ourselves, there are qualities that occur naturally and joyfully anyway and take it or leave it, the offering of them is its own reward.
Beautifully expressed Simon. I couldn’t agree more.
Coleen, what you describe – low paid people being pushed to work faster means that not enough money is being spent on aged care for those who do not have money.
It is one of the less-well-known consequences of relying on the government taking care of us in old age and us not doing enough to have sufficient funds when we are truly infirm. Many people know and understand this – those who have about $300,000 or less in funds in their retirement tend to hang on to that money through thick and thin because they know they urgently need it when they become infirm so they don’t have the level of care that you describe so well.
It’s interesting point Christoph that some people cling on to their money as their safety net for their older years. But what of relationships? I find it fascinating that life can revolve around ‘doing’, functioning, security, our job and saving money for when we get older…. but what will that money really buy us? And what of a loving life full of rich and true relationships- in which we know beyond doubt that we are loved and cared for to the end.
Thank you Coleen, you offer a moment for us to stop and truly consider what we each have to offer one another when we remain connected with ourselves and treat others in the ways that we also would like to be treated, with compassion, gentleness dignity and respect.
No doubt there are many caring professionals in Aged care that need our full support so they can deliver the care needed in this work.
Thankyou Coleen for outlining some of the issues within aged care. I agree that human connection would be paramount, yet within the way aged care facilities operate that much needed connection would be lost. I temp worked for a nursing agency in aged care once and I could not keep pace with how quickly residents needed to be “cared” for, it was obvious to me this was not right for anyone involved, workers or patients. I could not return to this position because everything about it felt wrong to me. Everywhere I look it seems to be that money and efficient systems are God, whether it’s education, the corporate world or aged care. People are coming last, whether they are workers or patients or patrons. The human element of dignity, true care and connection needs to be restored.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience of working as a carer for the aged. When I first read Coleen’s blog, it made me also think about the education system that I work in. You are so right that true care and connection are missing from so many institutions and professions. This is something we can all play a part in restoring.
It is evident in many work places that people are coming last. In my experience people do complain about this fact to their families, friends and co-workers, but rarely to their bosses as they are afraid to loose their jobs. I feel to restore the element of dignity, a shift is needed within us. Away from the fear and claiming our worth, trusting ourselves, our fellow human brothers and God that we will be okay if we stand up for ourselves and shake the foundations of a system we are all responsible for.
1000% agree with you Melinda, but how do we do it? How does the “element of dignity, true care and connection” be restored? I know when I connect with a resident in an aged care facility that I be responsive and open to them and see them as a real and valuable person … perhaps each of us being this way with each other and everyone is the key.
Oh this really touched me deeply Coleen:
“The quality of mercy is not strain’d,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath.”
I feel the tenderness and gentleness of these words, they ignite something in me and I feel the deep truth of what you have shared in your blog with this guiding ‘poem’. And it is not just this mercy for the aged, it is for us all and within us all as you quite rightly say in your last sentence: “I feel it is time for the quality of mercy to be determined by us all because ‘the quality of mercy’ lives within us all.”
Thank you Coleen – a beautiful and deeply caring blog.
Yes I so agree – and one can feel the truth of these words so deeply.
Absolutely Colleen, a lot depends on ‘goodwill’ of many carers to go beyond what is asked of them. In my view residential aged care facilities have become holding centres: places between life and death where residents confined in artificial settings that often feel unreal and inhuman. The UK Care Quality Commission states that ‘services are delivered against benchmarked, recognised standards focussed on quality and compliance’. In my view, quality of service comes before compliance. Delivering aged care services has become increasingly complex and bureaucratic, focussed on record keeping and ticking boxes to ensure compliance. Established routines, personal care, medication administration and health and safety are all important when managing an aged care business. Let us remember that people are at the heart of all businesses, all services. More emphasis could be placed on true quality of care, posing questions like, ‘ How can we truly care for our aged residents?’ ‘How do we bring compassion, love, gentleness, true dignity into everything we do: the way we touch, how we speak, and listen, the quality of the food we offer, nutrition, music, healing therapies, how we look after resident’s belongings, how we make sure residents get the physical exercise they need, how we work with relatives? When care system has ‘little inherent care’ built into its foundation the ‘care’ sector is compromised. Aiming to meet ‘benchmarked standards’ is a limited and short-sighted aspiration. We know we be give so much more
Coleen thank you for placing the spotlight on the care we offer our elderly. As a nurse who have cared for many older people in acute settings, I can confirm all of the points you raised. I also love what you have presented in a new way forward for aged care based on connection, love and true mercy.
I have much respect for your line of work Sharon and feel that we all have an enormous responsibility to contribute to this. When people become elderly there is often a feeling of giving up, from the person and those around them. No need to make much effort with myself or with them sort of thinking and that being old means that you are past it ‘what’s the point’ I hear people say. But what is being presented here is huge as it demonstrates that even when we are elderly we are worth caring for and that it does make a difference.
I agree Sharon, I have also worked in the aged care setting, and in the locked dementia wings and can confirm all the points Coleen has raised.
In my experience the majority of carers are dedicated people who work very very hard and do attempt to build caring relationships with their elderly. However when there is lack of value of the carers through poor remuneration and a high expectation of them meeting care needs, along with time constraints and not enough staff you get the quality of that lack of value. This is such a disservice to all concerned. I love the way Coleen has not only highlighted this but offered loving ways to support and change a system that is not working.
Absolutely beautiful Coleen. I love what you have shared here. I would not wish this lack of care on anyone, so I am glad that you have started this conversation.
I agree whole heartedly Rosie, this is one conversation that was needing to be started, and may it continue through wonderful websites like this one. This obvious lack of care certainly doesn’t make our end of life experience, one to look forward to – may it change, and change soon. No one ought to fear the end of their life, in fact it is possible for it to be exactly the opposite.
In the last few months I have visited Aged Care facilities as my father was recently admitted to full-time care. There is so much I could say about what I observed. I take my hat off to the carers that work in these facilities – I was touched by the love and care and patience that the staff bring.
However the thing that really has hit home about my observation with aged care (including Dementia wards) is where we are heading as a global community. With the astounding numbers of people giving up on life and living longer lives, the level of care and attention needed is ever increasing and becoming more demanding on staff. And so it begs the question…why are people giving up on life and living their elderly years in more of an existence of just functioning from day to day?
This is a very good question Marika, it seems the more mod cons we have and the more technology advances, the further away from love and true caring we get. Medicine is doing a great job of keeping people alive longer but what is the point if love is missing and the people that are being kept alive aren’t really there anyway.
“Medicine is doing a great job of keeping people alive longer but what is the point if love is missing and the people that are being kept alive aren’t really there anyway.” That’s a great point Kevin, we are not truly living if we our life is void of love.
I totally agree with you Kevin and Marika-what’s the point of living longer if the quality of life , and love is not there, and the elderly are just existing- which a lot are when suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
An equally important question Kevin and I often observe the increasing age of the ‘patched up’ elderly myself. I have elderly relatives who are have had major heart surgery which means that their bodies keep functioning with this major organ repaired. It is like a car with a reconditioned engine but rusty body, fenders falling off and bald tyres. They observe that state of their bodies themselves and know deep down that they have had enough but can’t surrender this physical life due the the mechanical alterations that will force the heart to keep going well beyond it’s natural time. Deep and loving care is required and as the number of elderly increase the responsibility to provide this care, does too.
You highlight an interesting dilemma Bernadette. When the body is ‘interfered’ with in this way then the natural wind down to cessation is prolonged and I’m wondering if this natural winding down process also allows a person to more easily let go of the body. I have observed in terminal illness this letting go does in fact happen over time and prepares the person for death Are we pandering to what needs to survive at the cost to the love within us? And are the extra years we gain from modern medical interventions really fruitful or are we just existing?
I feel there can be a lot of control arise in multiple quarters as people’s bodies start to indicate that their time is come – yes, most definitely, Josephine. Is this attributable to fear, ignorance of how to pass on, or other factors, I wonder?
I feel there can be a lot of control arise in multiple quarters as people’s bodies start to indicate that their time is come – yes, most definitely, Josephine. Is this attributable to fear, ignorance of how to pass on, or other factors, I wonder?
I have also witnessed the horror of our elderly at the prospect of entering a nursing home – there are even jokes made about it in some places – the threat of placing the elderly relatives into a home! So it seems we are all well aware that the current state of aged care facilities is not truly supportive.
Massive topic of conversation, and whilst it may ruffle some feathers, we need to get really honest about it. It really does feel like life is to be prolonged for the sake of it, because we can and because we not only struggle with the concept of death we fear it.
I agree, Elodie, it is massive topic. ” It really does feel like life is to be prolonged for the sake of it, because we can and because we not only struggle with the concept of death we fear it. ” It doesn’t to me. I know that by making choices and learning about life and death (which we already know doesn’t mean the end of life) we can choose where to stop and “go”. Prolonging physical existence doesn’t benefit us nor our evolution. Educating population about death could.
Nothing wrong with ruffling a few feathers Elodie, they need to be Ruffled! The health system is just another game of politics. There is a lot of amazing people who work in the system, but it’s a system, like medicine, lost it’s true intention and purpose. Technology and glamour mixed together on what we can do and look how long we can keep people alive. Have we stopped to clock why people have an ill-ness and a dis-harmony in the body – what responsibility lies with the patient? How many people stop and ponder why has this happened to me?
I work in a hospital and today I heard a renal dialysis patient was caught smoking bongs in the car pack. If you are not aware renal patients are kept alive by getting their blood cleaned every week by machines for 3 or more hours. Why? When they walk or get wheeled out to be more irresponsible. Amazing point raised above when the body is winding down it is for a reason.
Spot on Kevin ‘what is the point if love is missing and the people that are being kept alive aren’t really there anyway’. I’ve witnessed this for myself many times in aged care homes. Medication used to keep people in an artificial zone, a half-way house, still their bodies, but in truth not there at all
A great point Kevin and something I have often reflected on having seen and still witness relatives and older people in these scenarios. ‘Medicine is doing a great job of keeping people alive longer but what is the point if love is missing and the people that are being kept alive aren’t really there anyway.’
Having worked in Aged Care facilities offering Reflexology to the elderly many years ago, I saw how people are just kept alive. They are medicated to the eyeballs and I remember one lady looking me in the eyes and saying that she just wanted to die, but she couldn’t. It really struck a chord with me.
Wow Sandra! If I can be honest I know what that feel likes in reflection. I remember been kept awake on drugs and all my body wanted to do was go to sleep. There was an inner fight going on with my body and mind very confused. The artificial high was never worth how I felt for days after. I had a lower perspective of life because my body could not take it. The elderly would be no different and worse off.
An 83 year old friend is ready to go but wasn’t quite sure how to die until I talked with her about it being ‘near the end’ for her … she was immensely relieved that someone finally understood (the people around her did not want to talk ‘like that’) … it seemed to give her permission to let go and she is now in her last stage of this life.
Great question Marika, could it be a continuation of how we are living from when we are young? With emphasis on function, and not truly honouring who we are.
I agree Amelia our problems largely lay in the emphasis on function, we spend our younger years making life about what we get done and achieve and this kind of functioning is very acceptable. At the end of the life span it is also accepted that the care given and even the passing of days is also then only about function.
Yes, a great ill, that shows how astray we have gone. It is not difficult to change as the direction is so very obvious but only when we allow ourselves to truly feel – to feel what every fiber of our original making is telling us – love.
Indeed Marika how is it that we live much longer and yet the quality of that living especially with conditions such as dementia seems less?
Yes, so much less, that we can hardly call it life.
If our life is only about function, it makes sense that it appears that life is ‘full’ when we are young and very able to ‘do’… however without the ability to ‘do’ we are left to feel the quality of ‘being’ – and, we see that a life of doing does not build our being or leave us anything we can take with us when we pass.
So true Kylie, I have experienced many people being devasted when they can no longer do what made life worthwhile for them. There is simply no sense of the being for them to be nourished by.
Marika it is true, to acknowledge the work of staff in residential aged care homes. It does require a great deal of patience, love and care and I have noted how one person can make a huge difference. In one care home I know, the arrival of a single nurse that truly serves with compassion, warmth, openness has transformed the quality of care of residents and support given to relatives.
I agree, one person can make such a difference. All of the carers that I spoken to at the aged care facility for my father have been so lovely and loving – you have to care about people and bring great understanding to be able to work in these environments. There are many unsung hero’s in nursing homes.
Very true kehinde2012 the power of love can change a whole working environment. If what you choose goes above and beyond the normal mundane processes, people feel this. Make it about people true-ly and you open hearts.
I like this comment Marika, it exposes for me that it is not the people that are working in Aged Care that are the problem, but that the system itself is broken. I think that the increase in self care that is required from those who are in the industry could be the first step to everyone else beginning to understand just who warped and broken our current attitudes have become.
So true Simon and because our elderly don’t have a strong voice in our communities the issue can be carefully put to one side, still within view but sadly without the deep and wide reform that is needed going forward.
Very true Bernadette that’s the problem and momentum of that generation from young. No self-care for themselves and a giving up on life with a system to match.
Hi Simon I totally agree. I work in an aged care now and can say this is definitely true, although responsibility must not be taken away from those who work within the systems, as I know many of the workers where I work have little attention to self care, eat terrible food, smoke on their breaks and drink alcohol after work shifts. Yes it is a reflection of a broken system, and people not choosing to be all that they are and to bring something to the system.
Great point, Marika. It feels important to look at the bigger picture of why so many people are giving up and checking out in their later years, and even earlier now. Medicine is doing a great job at prolonging life, but what quality of life are they living in, and who is truly caring about that? Thanks to Coleen for bringing up this necessary topic for discussion.
I don’t see any quality of life with people who have dementia. It is a very sad thing to witness in another as they are just not there. The skyrocketing statistics of dimentia are scary and the stress on the medical system is only going to get worse.
Whilst we need to look at how it is going to be handled, what is more important is looking at what is creating it in the first place. It is very clear to me that dementia is a result of someone choosing to check out in life. And so what is happening in life for so many to want to choose this? Lets not look at solutions…lets look at the core and whats driving behaviour.
A wise nephew of mine said yesterday ‘ the future is now.’ It spoke to me of how there is no ‘time’ in the classic sense of the word. How we live in the present, sows seeds for the future. Having total disregard for self and body now, imprisons us in bodies and minds that breakdown in later life with huge emotional and financial cost to self, family and society.
A great question and one that should be front page news of newspapers until we start to truthfully address it. Having worked in a secure dementia unit in a mental health hospital I can say it is heart breaking for all involved to see loved ones with no idea who they are having to be restraint for the risk they pose to themselves and others. This problem is huge it’s getting worse and so much bigger then we are currently admitting.
Marika you have asked a very important question and one that is very rarely asked…”why are we giving giving up on life?” This is something that is rarely considered and something that I had never considered until I heard this presented by Serge Benhayon. I could very much feel the truth in this as I see the devastation of this every day in my work.
Yes I’m sure Richard if our elder folk were appreciated for the wisdom they bring and encouraged to remain an active and contributing part of society this would mean far less of them feeling demoralised and therefore sitting on the sidelines of life. It’s sad that we’ve made life more about doing and achieving and less about people.
Great observation Richard, if our life becomes one without purpose then it is very easy to shut down, give up, hence dementia and Alzheimers etc. Our elderly were once active, engaged, people like most of us, it is sad that they cease to be valued once their ‘usefulness’ in society is deemed to have expired.
This is the essence of it Richard. We need to have a deeper understanding of what each stage of life brings so that we ourselves remain engaged and purposeful as we age. To actively keep our parents nearby as they age, encouraging them to remain involved with life and alert. There is much opportunity for light to be shed on the aged care facilities to learn about self care as a foundation and better employment conditions so that this care can naturally be extended to the patients.
Yes Marika, the impact of this growing phenomenon is huge and it is a great question you ask.
Such an important question and it is one that is being overlooked. To be honest Marika I think it makes people, including and perhaps especially those in the medical profession feel very nervous.
Early onset dementia is a growing disease, afflicting 30-40 year olds. That is deeply concerning. Who is going to care for all of the people affected in this way?
Coleen you raise some important issues about the care of our elderly and ageing community. I remember when I was young, people generally took much greater care of their elderly relatives than they do now, most lived in the same street or close by and were checked on by neighbours relatives and friends. As we live much faster busier lives and move houses more regularly the elderly are the casualty of this type of living. Approaching the last part of our lives with dignity and respect and still feeling we are part of a community is probably what most of us would want but this is happening less and less in our society.
So true Alison. The lack of appreciation for Aged Care is a marker of our separativeness as a society. So many of our issues relating to health could be greatly changed if we embraced the fact that we live in communities and we are all connected. ‘Out if sight, out of mind’ is often the perspective with people in our Aged Care homes, and there is often a lot of shock when stepping inside of one. This pushing aside is multifactorial, but is for each of us to look at in the responsibility we are taking. If we don’t want to end up in a facility like this, then the change starts with us and all of community. We cannot have this way of being when we are elderly continue as the accepted norm.
So true Amelia. And isn’t it incredible that we seem to show more care for our pets when they are elderly, than we do for our fellow human beings… We wouldn’t send our dogs away when they get older, or are frail or close to death… we keep them close, nurture them, treasure them and stay with them to the end.
It sure is incredible Kylie. How have we allowed this to happen? It does not make any sense at all when you stop and truly think about it.
Agreed Kylie, it is very exposing of how far removed we have become from truly caring for our elderly and each other. And I would add from my own experience, is that we would not leave our dogs for days or weeks by themselves without connecting with them and seeing if they are being cared for in every way.
So very true Kylie, and having lived with 2 elderly dogs until their last breath, it is the most beautiful and humbling experience. Because of the fragility of a human or pet’s body when they are preparing for passover, it brings the carer to a much deeper place where tenderness, respect and dignity are at the forefront of any care given.
Amazing point raised Kylie, and to hear first hand from Sandra who has recently experienced her dogs passing – I hear many people love their dog more than their family. Where are we at as a society? This is shocking when it is so innately in us all too naturally care for others. It brings it back to the points raised above how much it is lacking that we do not self-care and love ourselves enough to then allow this to happen. We allow it because we do not love ourselves and therefore how can we love another??!
Amelia the “out of sight out of mind” comment that you made reminds me of what I see working in a hospital when we have an elderly person from an age care facility admitted, especially if they have dementia. This is very exposing for patients and family if they have never seen anyone with dementia before. Although this is becoming less so. What we are seeing is more extreme behaviours in the elderly, especially if they are quite sick. Often in hospital environments we need to one on one nurse then because of the risks to their safety but medication is quite often what we reach for to manage their behaviour.. These elderly patients can be very vocal at night time, keeping a whole ward awake; wander, sometimes off the ward if we are not quick enough (they are as quick as children); super strong and at time aggressive. My point is that we don’t often see or hear about this in the general community because it is very hard to watch a person who is not themselves. We know the numbers of elderly people requiring care in age care facilities is growing, but we don’t talk about the impact this has on everyone. So it is a shock for people to see what is going on and where we are heading. But we need to know because it affects us all.
Thank you for bringing the reality to us Jennifer of what is going on in the hospital environment for our elderly and carer’s. For many, including myself this is an ‘out of sight out of mind’ issue that we rarely consider. I remember volunteering as a young teenager at a large elderly care centre. This definitely opened my eyes to what many elderly people present with, they range from gentle, friendly, enjoying activities… to aggressive and powerfully strong willed requiring sedation and many carer’s to attend to. If carer’s are not supported and appreciated, where does it leave them and in-turn our elderly? Thanks to Coleen for starting the conversation.
The ‘out of sight, out of mind’ attitude and the shock is something I went through, in the last few years my work required I visit aged care facilities from time to time and I managed staff that would visit facilities each day to provide medical services so I also started to hear second hand also of what was going on and had regular contact with staff in over 50 facilities so started to understand a few of their challenges too. It is also very interesting that the level and quality of care also varied depending on the dominant cultural background of the aged care facility.
Agree Amelia and it is a sign of how absolutely careless our society is and of the separateness we live only focusing on youth and functioning. The misinterpretation of youth comes from a society who has abuse normalized and where care has very little value. The body is used and abused according to the comfort level we choose to live in and becoming older is a physical deteriorating process where the human being is expired for social use and just parked in a careless elderly home. We all fear to reach the expiry date and not being needed and loved anymore, but we don’t assume responsibility and stop this and start taking care of ourselves and our bodies and from this level of self-care we care for others.
Agree Amelia and it is a sign of how absolutely careless our society is and of the separateness we live only focusing on youth and functioning. The misinterpretation of youth comes from a society who has abuse normalized and where care has very little value. The body is used and abused according to the comfort level we choose to live in and becoming older is a physical deteriorating process where the human being is expired for social use and just parked in a careless elderly home. We all fear to reach the expiry date and not being needed and loved anymore, but we don’t assume responsibility and stop this and start taking care of ourselves and our bodies and from this level of self-care we care for others.
So true, Amelia. Most of us will live to an old age and many will end up in Aged Care homes. What we allow to continue (by sitting back and ignoring) is what we will be confronted with. As you share, we are responsible and change starts with us.
It seems that we embrace technology more and more so that we can do more, achieve more. But at what human cost, are we really achieving anything or are we missing out on the vital issue of being present with ourselves and connected with others.
Becoming more and more effective very often doesn´t consider human relationship. We need to change priorities – relationships first, productivity second.
agree Alex, our society has put productivity and profit before being human in every aspect of its being. It is the world upside down and the effect of us is seen all around us in every aspect of our lives.
I agree Jenny, we are so called advancing in technology but are forgetting what is more important and that is : connecting with, caring and loving each other. Families come home from their day at work and/or school and are often straight on to their computers or TV or other tech stuff they own and are connecting with each other less and less. And the sad thing is is that this is deemed normal.
I agree Alison and the world has become a smaller place with all the air travel available and cheap flights. It is not uncommon for a grandparent to have both or even all three of their children not only living in different continents but different countries too. I have two elderly neighbours neither of whom have got children living close by.
Thank you Coleen for exposing the often hidden aspects of aged care. I love how you have used the ‘quality of mercy’ that we all share to remind us of our responsibility to humanity as a whole and the aged care in particular.
And what struck me also is how much we hide aged care. We tuck our old people away because we dont want to know what is happening to them and we fear getting old because we (actually do) know how we treat the elderly and we don’t want that happening to us.
I definitely feel that this is the case too Sarah. It feels like we do similar with our children into schools and with “the criminals” into prisons. To stop and actually feel the quality of these institutions and what they do to people is devastating. It makes sense that we actually don’t want to feel how horrible this is. I can feel this through what Coleen has shared.
Absolutely Sarah – growing old does not look appealing when we feel what is really going on for our elders. Where are their value in society, the honour of their lives and the wisdom they would gladly offer. It’s really great to be taking about all this and hearing peoples opinions. The time to change the way we live, care for and be with our elders is way overdue.
It’s true Sarah. I grew up not caring of the old when they should be cherished and respected as Colleen stated. I learnt all these kind of beliefs mostly through high school and just out of school. It was wreckless behavior on all levels and either way there was not one bit of care for them
That is so true Sarah we tuck old people away and I love it that you pointed it out so clearly. We actually do know how we treated them and therefore it is time to be more open with that otherwise the fear of getting older increases and we all end up with trying to be young forever. I have to admit that this is not a very lovely notion – I love the wisdom and strength of people who lived a life – for me this is very inspirational and to feel how to get older with dignity and mercy and with joy would make it much easier to get older . . .
Coleen you make several good points here. It has always intrigued me why we as a western society at least, value the ‘caring’ professions less than others, and reward them accordingly. And how we can expect people to deliver high quality care under the conditions you describe these people as working. The more we prioritise self-care the less tolerance we will have for unrealistic expectations in the workplace. And, dare I say, the more likely we are to come up with a different model of aged care.
This is an interesting point Anne, why is it tend to devalue people who work in human services such as aged care, teaching, nursing? It is as if we can’t really come to confront really meeting others with openness and tenderness and allow them to be just as they are.
We are so focused on our intellect and believe so strongly in knowledge and that that is the safe card to live a good life that we do not see how crippled we are when it comes to our relationships, our human interaction and our connection to our body. Our bodies can literally rot away, show thousands of signs that they(we) are not doing so well and yet we keep on going insisting on the way we are living is it.
I agree, we display an enormous amount of callousness, ignorance and arrogance when it comes to truly reading the signs and symptoms of what is going on in the world.
Esther and Mary you have made great points here that we are living in the delusion (or illusion?) that somehow we are going to be rescued by our mental cleverness from the awful mess we are in. It’s like we don’t think cancer or anything else will ever happen to me, and if it does then there will be a pill, a treatment or surgery. And yet it is obvious when you care to look that with all our mental ingenuity and the incredible advances that are being made in health industry we are simply not able to keep up with the rot of the way we are living without connection and the impact it has on our bodies. And yet we refuse to stop and examine this. And I agree I would not have this clarity if it weren’t for Serge Benhayon bringing it to my attention.
well said Esther, and we have found many ways to override the inevitable feeling that we are living completely out of rhythm and against our true nature allowing for a society that is increasingly in crisis, both in healthcare and in our relationships across the board.
Great point Mary .. let’s put our money where our mouth is and give back to the community. It really is as simple as that. It is wonderful what you do and also shows the care the workers give even though they are incredibly busy.
What you and other volunteers are doing is awesome Mary. True brotherhood.
I completely agree with you Mary – our elderly are very much worth investing time and money in, as in the end we will all grow old and we all reserve respect and love to the end.
Mary you are making a difference to some that may not get to have a conversation with anyone other than a busy nurse who does not have time to chat. You are also appreciative of the staff working there and are not judging them. They must all look forward to you and your team coming in. This is what community is, supporting and helping out where we can.
Beautiful example Mary, thanks for sharing. I agree a win-win situation for all of us. Our elderly deserve the love, tenderness and kindness we so easily share with children. We can all learn from each other here and help each other.
Thank you Mary for sharing this and I agree with you it doesn’t cost much except a bit of time and commitment to contribute as you are doing and makes such a difference to everyone concerned. You have inspired me.
Well said Mary, it is up to each and everyone of us to make a difference. It is great what you are doing as so often the hospital staff do not have enough time to truly give patients the care that they deserve.
Beautifully said Mary. We are the ones who can offer the living reflection of connection. By having a consistent presence in any facility we can offer this to staff, patients and residents. Then it may become something the staff starts to choose for themselves by the reflection offered. A wonderful foundation can be laid with such a simple approach as just having a presence.
Your comment made me consider the irony of this point Anne, wherein we not only seem to place less value on this profession, but where this is often little ‘care’ within a profession that is actually claimed to be about ‘care’. I have come to experience that whatever the profession, self-care is the key not only to supporting oneself, but is paramount in being able to offer true support/care to another. This is particularly noticeable when it comes to caring professions and is definitely a discussion that we should be having more broadly as a community if we are going to bring about any true, lasting change to the current situation.
It is so true, it is almost like the services and professions that matter most to how we are feeling are the most poorly paid. It really makes no sense the NHS service where the staff can literally be critical to our survival are so badly paid.
So true Ann Hart, Self care would definitely change the workplace environment and bring more joy to every one you would come in contact with. Then a new working model would have the space to be created.
I come from a southern culture and there from an area where people do not have the money to place their aged in an aged care facility. Their elderlies are cared at home and this is shared by the family and also neighbors. I do not say this is an easy job and depending on how serious an illness of the elderly is, this can be strenuous for both sides. But one I have witnessed in observing age care like this: those who care have deep appreciation and respect for people having their profession in those jobs.
It is great to hear this Sonja. I have also noticed that when people have spent time in hospital they often come out speaking highly of the nursing staff and their dedication and care. When we are very ill or injured we are so grateful for the support of someone who knows how to alleviate our suffering, however when we get better we easily forget. And thus the caring professions do not get the recognition, conditions and monetary appreciation they deserve to support them in their work.
Anne, this is something I have questioned – why do the caring professions offer low pay and jobs in business pay so much more? It has always seemed back to front to me. Is it that we have lost our way so much, that as a society, we do not value a human life once it stops being productive and therefore offer a low-level of care, at a low cost via nursing homes?
Awesome point Anne I agree totally! I would add in the cleaners too for a well deserved pay rise. They have a mammoth job, and just like nurses and the allied health staff, are not honoured for their roles.
Wow Anne I love what you share as I am working in the health care system and know the conditions under which we work in and out. It would be great if the caring professions are more valued so that they are at least accordingly rewarded and paid. I know that it is on us to care more for ourself but it would be also very much appreciated and also supportive to get this form of reward in society.
Self care are two words that when asked about are often still met with a blank face. Until self care becomes a priority, and in with particularly with health care workers, we will not ever bring about the quality of living available to us all. For our aging population to pass on without experiencing and knowing this level of care is a great disservice to humanity.
Yes true care is definitely lacking in many aged care facilities in the world today. But without making loving care a priority for all, the level of lifestyle related disease will continue to soar and as our ageing population rises so to does the spaces for aged care get tighter and tighter. True change starts with us first and when we care for ourselves with the utmost love and support we can share this with all.
I agree, we need to start with ourselves because it does not serve anybody and does not bring true care if we ourselves do feel exhausted and are just coping with the enormity of chaos, disease and deep neglect that we are faced with in this world. We need to build ourselves a foundation of deep love and care to be able to face everything that comes towards us with exactly this love and care we have for ourselves.
It is not commonly accepted that loving ourselves comes first, we are so busy supporting everybody else and from a foundation of emptiness, that we burnout without understanding why. Building a true foundation for ourselves by deeply nurturing our bodies and honouring what we feel gives us the strength and support we need to be out in the world and truly help, support and honour others.
I think we are agreed that self-care is of the utmost importance, in fact paramount in building a solid foundation of health, strength and vitality within our bodies, and without this our lives can become stressful and then the caring of others can be less than truly supportive because we are not supporting ourselves. It seems to me that many care-workers are overstretched, bogged down with paperwork, coping on their own with limited time and resources, and this is putting a strain on their level of care for others. I’m not sure what the answer is, except to begin to show the world what it is to deeply care and love ourselves and continue to speak out when we see an injustice, and reflect to our elderly the love what we feel for ourselves back to them, and although they may be feeling lonely and vulnerable, they ARE loved.
So true Carmel and what’s also quite alarming is how exhaustion and ‘burnout’ are so accepted as part of life in today’s society. And nothing that a good holiday won’t fix!
Very wise words Carmel, This changes the accepted notion that carers need to be self-servient and martyrs in order to care. The principles of caring for oneself first can be difficult to apply if one is caught in the confines of the accepted beliefs, but with persistence it is possible to break free. We are just as important as the people we are caring for.
So well said Carmel. We cant truly help others if we ourselves are exhausted and running on the wrong fuel. If we have a ‘that’ll do’ attitude towards our own self care, then its not going to be any better for another. We can break this cycle by starting with ourselves.
When we have burnt out carers, the system becomes entrenched in abuse. The overhaul in aged care needs to be extensive – a real ground up approach that starts with developing self-care for the facility staff and a roster/schedule that practically supports this.
Otherwise it degenerates into that sort of box-ticking, empty lip-service where all the right words are said but they are utterly inapplicable hence everything stays the same as ever. No one can force another to care for themselves but an environment can be set up whereby it is possible to take to care.
Rachel this is so true and very wise and practical ‘An environment that offers and reflects taking care of all people’. Starting with ourselves and staff is an excellent place to start to offer the tender, gentle space and care to our elderly.
Not many environments actually consider the wellbeing of their staff, least of all the caring industry. I have a considerable amount of experience with these services and the agencies are often very remiss, and uncaring from an executive level down to the ground staff. It is an unfathomable state of affairs when you think about it. A business of caring in which very few care about others, care for themselves or are truly cared for. It’s nonsensical.
Following on from Tamara’s comment.
I find this an interesting point about holidays. We rarely see it questioned why we need a holiday to to fix ourselves. If so many people are in need of a holiday to rejuvenate then how are we living? That is the question we need to ask, can we be honest and look deeply at whether it is our working practice, our lifestyle habits or any other aspects of our lives. If we look at health and vitality from the perspective that we should all have abundant wellness as our natural state then we start to become less accepting of anything less than this and become willing to look at the root causes of exhaustion and illness.
Very true Carmel and Rachel, until the staff of these care homes start to truly care for themselves nothing will change.
That is so true Carmel. We get so involved in other peoples lives without for a moment taking ourselves into consideration that we do end up burnt out and can’t understand it. Amazing really when it’s actually very simple. If we are unable to look after oursleves first and foremost, how on earth are we supposed to truly look after others?
Agree Esther and Carmel, only through deeply caring and loving ourselves first do we know what is required for another. The focus has been “What can we do to help?” This comes from training and following processes without really being in touch with each patient, and the direct care and extra touch to sincerely support another to surrender to their body and let go. When you make it about quality of you first less effort is actually needed to support another because all is felt by you to what truly is needed. No extra work job is done!
Carmel if we ‘run on empty’ we will soon come to a stop and need to be cared for which is not the outcome we desire but ignore to see. We give material objects like our car a regular service and fuel they need to keep going why don’t we respect and care for ourselves with the same attention even at a basic level. We eat junk food and drink sugary drinks and expect the body to run smoothly, we wouldn’t put wrong fuel in our car, there are so many anologies with the car like our annual “green slip” which checks the car is road worthy but we don’t do a self check to see how we are running the body, we abuse ourselves and wonder why we get burnout.
That is great what you shared Carmel. I am working in a hospital where nurses and doctors had their on-the-job training and it is so sad to see how they get treated. No one told them about self care and self nurturing – they have to function and they do. Sometimes I found them crying in a corner or with heavy migraine or other illnesses. It would be so beneficial if they all could first learn how to take care of themselves! Imagine they would work than with much more joy and commitment and on top of it they would be great role model for the patients.
I agree absolutely Carmel that this about foundations: if there is no genuine care in our personal foundation, we have nothing to offer to others that is either real or true – what you refer to as caring from an emptiness. By calling this empty care “care” we actually undermine the true meaning of that word and so we end up with complications in our understanding and expectations of what true care is and looks like in life.
What you say Carmel is so true. Looking after ourselves first is so often perceived as being selfish. As has been expressed in this blog and most of the comments, self-care is a true foundation to help others. The sooner this misguided belief that it is selfish is cast into the waste-bin of eternity the better.
Yes Esther, offer support from a full cup, not an empty cup.
The level of care we have throughout our lives is mirrored by the level of care we accept as we age. If we do not practice self care for ourselves, and feel how loving it is, there is no foundation for it within society, no benchmark for how the care for our elderly should be.
Such a strong and valid point is shared here Catherine. There is no marker for the future if we do not begin to put into practice this self care in our daily living.
Absolutely nb – creating this marker for the future starts with making self care part of our daily living. Although we may not as a society have been doing this to date, the important thing is we can start at any time -& depending on our choices, what this involves will vary between individuals. It’s not a one-off practise but something that develops and deepens over time and can start with simple things like being honest with how our body feels (ie tired, stressed etc), going to bed earlier, being aware of how certain foods feel after we’ve eaten them, going to bed early etc.
Why are people in aged care facilities in the first place? We have already gone way off in the fact that we have so many people with dementia and other given up diseases needing to be in these facilities. The Way of The Livingness is a religion that offers an entirely different way of life and living that allows us to stay committed and connected to the end.
Yes Nicola Lessing, that is such an important point. The statistics on dementia and Alzheimers are staggering; I feel the figures are frightening people so most don’t want to know or look at it. If we don’t turn around the way we are living, the figures will keep escalating. I know for myself, if it wasn’t for “The Way of The Livingness”, I could have well and truly become a number within those statistics. Especially as we get older, many people give up on living and contributing. Retirement is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Yes, Esther and Mary, one would assume that, given the research to date on dementia has not revealed the real causes, that it would be worthwhile considering another perspective on the possible aetiology of dementia – such as that offered by Universal Medicine. If it is not given a consideration, the question which follows needs to address why we avoid looking for the root causes – is it because it exposes something about how we live that we have wanted to bury?
Such an important point Nicola. It is now assumed that we will end our days in such a facility, not knowing who we are or what we had for breakfast.
Exactly Rachel, no wonder there is so much fear around aging!
Isn’t it crazy that it is assumed that that is where we will end up, as if we don’t even have a choice in the matter and that one day we will just be victims of old age.
I love that Universal Medicine has presented many different choices and no right or wrong answer, just choices and responsibility. This way there is no one to blame, just a choice to be made. Old age does not just suddenly creep up on us, we can prepare for it. We don’t need to give up on ourselves.
That assumption isn’t a great prospect to look forward to. But almost a fact we are giving into when we chose the life that is the norm. So why not change the way we live so this enormous workload for care workers gets relieved and we all are able to care for each other, till the end of our lives, fully committed.
Absolutely Nicole, But we must make our way back through the trenches to re-ignite and spark truth back into the minds and heart of man. Bringing light to an industry that is burnt out is a massive mission within itself as there are so many that have given up and checked out. But the power of one, holding their light is so powerful.
It is fixing the problem at the end and ignoring its inception. It never works, never has, never will to tackle life in this backward way.
An essential question, Nicola and great for people to know that it is entirely possible ‘to stay committed and connected to the end’ and therefore no need for a retirement home. One of the contributing factors to giving up is the division in people’s minds between work and weekend and the momentum that looks forward to a weekend as a relief from the week and retirement as a relief from a working life. If we all worked with the purpose of contributing to humanity we would not need any relief because that would be fulfilling in itself.
Well said Nicola the livingness offered by The Way of The Livingness is certainly evolutionary and would solve many of society’s issues
And also true Kelly, it is a ’cause and result’ picture as the increasing need for care for our elderly is being fuelled by the increasing lack of care and love in our lives as we move trough the different ages. The more we neglect ourselves and have lifestyles that will inevitably cause illness and disease the greater the demand for care on an ever decreasing number of people that can provide it. The situation as painted by Coleen shows the crisis we are already in because of this cycle and it can only be changed if we learn to live in a different way right now.
Yes, Carolien – and part of that breaking of the cycle we are already in is precisely to ensure that those most deeply entrenched in this cycle ( like those who have dementia) are cared for to the nth degree so that the cycle is broken once and for all.
Coleen I couldn’t agree more.
I know huge resources are put into ensuring babies, children and young people get the best start in their life, and although there are huge cuts to this in the UK, it is recognized as a super important; the acknowledgement being if resources aren’t put into families to prevent repetition of family patterns which produce behviours such as criminal activity, abusive relationships, anti-social behaviour, substance miss-use etc. etc then society will suffer.
I often wonder if the same importance is given to caring for the elderly and often feel there’s an attitude that they are near the end of their life so they don’t matter as much. This is crazy. How we treat our elderly and vulnerable is just as important as how we treat our new borns. As a society, if we cannot care for our elderly lovingly I would question our capacity to bring up children lovingly also.
Yes very beautifully said Giselle: “For our aging population to pass on without experiencing and knowing this level of care is a great disservice to humanity.” I could just feel the grand impact of people passing over without experiencing this deep care, it is huge!
That is so true Lieke, it will make a huge difference. I really liked the question which was actually a revelation to me: as simple as; how can we take true care for someone if that deep care is missing in our own lives.. Being a nurse in training I am seeing how it does not work in that way, and that self-love and care is key.
Danna so true, self care and love is the key once we understand this, we can take care of people in all ages, younger or elder. It’s about the true connection. Through this we can reach many people and support them during their ageing process.
Enormous such an impact is alright Lieke! They form the people most of us look up to for guidance and support of their own lived wisdom in their lifetime. If they are not passing over with true care, feeling fully met, honoured and nourished for all they truly are then are not most going to find and see such a stage in our lives as one to avoid and definitely not the deeply healing and loving time it could otherwise be?
The greatest sadness in this is that our attitude to aged “care” is a prefect reflection of the value we have placed on the ageing process and hence the people who ought to be our elders.
We only attribute value to people who fulfil a narrow standard that is deemed to be beautiful and or useful in or society. By useful I mean productive, and productive in economic terms. If you are both of these you have it made. If you have one or the other you are OK. Have neither and you are fit only for the scrap heap. We have nullified ageing because it it is neither beautiful (according to this standard) not productive (i.e.: no economic benefit to be gained).
We have lost much in this process. We have valued every human being via these very materialist calculations – in fact valued is the wrong word. It ought to be de-valued.
What then of our own ageing process. Do we not see that what we allow to happen to our elderly now is our own future?
”The greatest sadness in this is that our attitude to aged “care” is a prefect reflection of the value we have placed on the ageing process and hence the people who ought to be our elders.” – Such a revealing perspective Rachel, there is much truth to this.
Society is so obsessed with drinking from the fountain of youth and delaying the ageing process. It’s like we look at our elders as those who have failed immortality with all the gadgets and medical procedures on offer. No wonder the majority are trying to turn back the clock and run from age, look what’s waiting for us! A life where the world giving us a used by date and saying ‘thanks but no thanks.’
‘Do we not see that what we allow to happen to our elderly now is our own future?’ Exactly Rachel. It seems that there is a sort of disjunct between the two, when we are younger unless there is a beloved elder we are deeply connected to then older people do not figure that much, we are usually so self-absorbed in the busyness of living. And then the elders themselves, frankly unless they have lived vibrant engaged lives (and many have) then there can be something unattractive about them. Ageing is often not that pretty with all the unloving ways we have lived emerging in our bodies and on show for all to feel and see. The lived wisdom in many instances has to be drawn out and that takes time and love and the willingness to see beyond what is presented. How many of us really care? Sadly often not until it is our turn or our mum or dad starts to reach that stage.
This is so true Rachel, ‘We have nullified ageing because it it is neither beautiful (according to this standard) not productive (i.e.: no economic benefit to be gained).’, I hear this all the time, I work with elderly people and they often say to me that they are ‘in the way’, ‘it would be better for everyone when they are gone’, they feel so useless and unvalued, it is very sad.
Joshua and Rachel what you share is so important as we have allowed for the whole process of ageing to be demonised and something to avoid at all costs. As a result we have already deemed ourselves invaluable once we pass a certain age and in this way we are confirming these beliefs to the next generations. We have increasingly depersonalised our societies allowing for this to become the standard. if we look at the way we used to live, with all ages an active part of our community according to the phase of life they are in then we can see how every age has not only its own beauty but enormous value.
What you have asked Colleen, ‘Are there Truths associated with ageing and passing on that are withheld?’ is a show stopper. Most definitely the answer is yes, and when these truths are withheld, about the fact of reincarnation, the value and quality of our elder years, the truth behind illness and disease, how to pass over and what happens after death to name but a few expounded by the Ancient Wisdom Teachings – then we are left in the aimless muddle we find ourselves in as we approach old age and death. Think how different it would be if these truths were known and lived. For them to be withheld means most die in ignorance and will return in that ignorance to repeat it.
Beautifully said Josephine and Coleen. We have lost much by having what can only be described as a silly relationship with reincarnation; either ignoring it in preference for the absurdity of randomness (in a non random world), or taking some idiotic tack that has 500 people claiming they are Cleopatra, and others wanting to come back as a cat!
Such is the grace, order, precision and stupendous intelligence of this process that we completely denigrate at the end of life. We have rendered the true way of passing, to build one life after another, naught.
The loss of the Ageless wisdom as our Universal way has been a tragedy of incomprehensible proportions. For as we age and pass so do we return to live again.
I agree Lieke. There is so much to feel here: how, as a society (and we each play a part in this – ouch), we have chosen not to be aware and speak up about state of the systems that are failing to support us. In aged care, we are not supporting the carers and this means that the people in care miss out too. While self-care is always the choice of each individual, when it is not the current norm, nor taught anywhere in our education system, speaking up is so important.
It is huge Lieke and I feel a basic human right to be truly cared for. How are people ever going to live the full potential of the love that they are if they are not shown others living that way. How are we to age with grace and dignity if all we see if old people treated with disdain and given up on really living. We need to set a new trend and show people that no matter what they are worth loving and caring for. Then slowly but surely people will begin to regain trust in humanity.
Correct Lieke! “For our aging population to pass on without experiencing and knowing this level of care is a great disservice to humanity.” This is huge! To resolve this epidemic health service quickly is to make everybody accountable and take any self-recognition out of “look how my policy is helping”. When government bring in politics to accommodate ‘our’ policies no true change is offered – just another policy doomed to fail and politicians identified with “look at what I am doing please keep me in power”. Politics presently are a dismal system.
That is an interesting point Rik. I wonder if the policies the politicians bring in are an attempt to make aged care ‘better’ – yet because they are not understanding, or perhaps have ever experienced, what is being shared in the blog and the ensuing comments about self-care, self-love, appreciation, honouring and simply loving another as equal to yourself, then the policies they introduce, the legislation behind the policy count for nought. There is no true change, just another layer that does not include an ounce of lived loved that inspired change.
So so true Giselle. It seems crazy, but it’s true. Asking someone what their self care routine looks like is often met with a question mark face. We are all responsible for ourselves and the impact we each have on eachother.
Everything about how we care for ourselves will ultimately influence everything about how we care for others.
Exactly Jennifer. Self-care starts at home and builds a solid foundation in our bodies which then enables us to go out into life and serve others with this same level of care. Without this foundation we are pushing our bodies, which often results in ill-health and undiagnosed exhaustion.
I agree Jennifer, how we treat ourselves, is how we treat others. This is such a great reminder of how important it is how we care for ourselves, how we honour and love ourselves deeply. This is also what seeds forward how we will be cared for should the need arise.
Precisely, and this needs to be the paramount essence of all teachings when learning how to be within these industries. Age care industry, disability industry, youth working industry, teachers, students, mothers groups…. every and all industries!
Treating oneself and each other lovingly should be the norm simply because our bodies and innate sensitivity tell us so, but you take it even a huge step further, Giselle, by saying “For our aging population to pass on without experiencing and knowing this level of care is a great disservice to humanity.”, hinting at us incarnating again with all the imprints from our last life. We are in a ‘rebirth-cycle’ of carelessness that de-sensitises us from being who we are, a constancy of disgrace that is the very opposite of the constancy of God´s love. To break this cycle a dedicated, loving, tenderly caring and deeply understanding age care would greatly contribute to all of us more and more choosing God´s love as the standard of everyday living. We then would come back into the next life with the knowing of what it is like to be loved and expect that level of love as the minimum instead of bringing the lovelessness and giving-up-ness that this life, again, will be another round of suffering.
Exactly Alex, when we look at the fact that the elderly passing over will be the children of our children just a short few years down the track, so whatever quality they can take with them passing over, they will bring back into the next round, the next life cycle here on earth. This brings such an expansion to what it means to be elderly and what opportunities to imprint our next life cycle we have, with choosing to be loving and committed until the last breath, sharing that love with those around us, giving us a true foundation of love and a strong loving imprint on earth to come back to in our next life, for us to keep building on that and expanding and forever evolving back to the divinity we naturally all come from.
I agree – for so many people they have not experienced a lot of care and kindness in their life and it is a great shame that they should die without it in there last moments.
Yes Rebecca and sadly, when they have not experienced kindness, love and tenderness in their lives they reject it when they first experience it and don’t trust it is genuine. I have seen that it actually makes them feel incredibly vulnerable and yet I have noticed some of the most grumpy men and women that I have been around have yearned for this level of love. It is only through consistency, understanding and not taking anything personally that those who work in aged care and with the elderly can change this perception of life. I am full of appreciation for those who work in aged and palliative care and are able to offer this level of love and care to themselves as well as those in their care. I am sure they not only inspire me but also others who see the relationship they have with their patients and clients through this approach.
There is so many versions that are sold to us as self -care where we are asked to rest, take a break, unwind but all in all we are still not taking the moment to truly feel where we are at and the quality that is offered another. Quality in service = quality in livingness