For a while now I have heard people talk of being in a relationship with themselves and committing to themselves. I liked the sound of it but I had no real understanding of what that actually meant.
This morning while I was sitting on the floor folding my washing, I had a light bulb moment. I suddenly felt what that was.
I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.
I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself? Again… “No.”
For a while I have been saying that I work on my relationship with me, but if I am honest, I place my relationship with myself at the bottom of the pile. I get very little attention. I have fantastic self-care and self-love, which has developed and continues to develop in a beautiful way over the last few years. On a physical level, I have a great level of care for myself that is forever deepening, and I can appreciate many of my innate qualities. But it has stopped somewhere around here. I am not deepening my relationship with myself, or even acknowledging it.
So today, as I sat folding my washing, I began to ponder how it would be if I placed my relationship with me first. I am not above others, but what if I came first? Would I let myself be racy and push myself too hard to get everything done? Would I move my body in a way that was disregarding? Would I stay in emotional reaction when I know how much it hurts my body? Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest? I wouldn’t do these things with others so why am I doing them to myself?
I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself. Which, if you think about it, is absolutely crazy as I’m with me 24/7. I don’t get a break from me.
And as for making this commitment to myself, it has been quite easy in the past when similar thoughts have come through to say, “Oh, yeah, I’ll look at that later.” But with no commitment, I was easily distracted away from me.
But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?
You bet!
The awareness I have in my life and the changes I have made and continue to make are greatly because of Serge Benhayon, by whom I have been deeply inspired.
By Nikki McKee, Goonellabah
Further Reading:
Commitment to Self – Commitment to Life
Returning to our essence
A Sacred Relationship with Self – Inspired by Natalie Benhayon
When we appreciate the beauty and magnificence in ourselves we realise that is equally in everyone else.
Relationships have to start with ourselves first because as we learn to fly and hold being present with all we do, then that is a reflection that others get then because we are reflecting a deeper version of ourselves then they to understand that they to can take of and explore the inner-self and sore to a new way of being.
I agree with you Greg a relationship starts with ourselves first it’s a forever deepening into the intelligence that resides within us. But how do we get to this innermost or essence? Well for me it was by being honest with myself and letting go of all the protection I have built around me to try and protect myself from the world. We all carry hurts that keep us in the separation to our inner most and yet it is our inner most, that connection to God that is our relationship with ourselves when this is felt our relationships with everyone changes, as once we reconnect to the love of God it is very natural to express it to everyone else.
Relationships in my life too have so greatly improved and I know much of this is because of the inspiration I have found from Serge Benhayon
Many people do what you describe in this blog, ‘I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself’, when really all relationships start with the relationship we have with self, so it makes sense to put yourself first.
I can feel why at times it is so uncomfortable to be with me, with myself. It is because it is then that I feel I am not living all of who I am that makes me feel uncomfortable with myself. And because I am 24/7 with me I try to numb this feeling as a way of escape, instead of just to be with it and let more of myself to unfold.
Although we at times think that the outer world is our greatest enemy, it appears to be our thoughts that bring the hard and harsh judgements towards ourselves that hurts the most.
‘How it would it to put myself first?’ Not in a way where I’m above anyone else but where I value myself and my body as an equal part of the whole; an equal to absolutely everyone else.. inspiration to take into today; thank you.
I love this sentence and am so inspired by it “But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” I am appreciating much more how others enjoy spending time with me, so its definitley time I did the same!
It makes sense that if we are building our relationships that we need to take ourselves into consideration also. Sometimes I feel that we can put ourselves on the back burner and make others more important.
Thank you for the inspiration to celebrate the joy of being with myself.
And that celebration will be never-ending, as I never will be not with myself.
“But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time?” When we stop to appreciate this truth we realise that there is an equal quality in everyone else.
What an utterly awesome blog, packed full of inspirations – I am so inspired to get to know me more!
Thank you Nikki – this is wonderfully honest it exposes the deep importance of starting to build a relationship with our very own selves first, for this only cures our roots of loneliness and lack of love and understanding of ourselves in life.
When we don’t isolate joy with a particular activity or a person, and truly enjoy ourselves and who we are, then there doesn’t have to be an on off rollercoaster of life where we go from feeling content to feeling down in the dumps based on what is happening or who is around us.
I loved your blog Nikki, especially this paragraph “But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” Wow, the joy of being with me all day, now that is something amazing to commit to.
A beautiful reminder that it always starts with ourself. And it makes so much sense, how could it not. –
Great to re-read this blog and the questions posed. I would definitely say that there is, when I sit down with myself with no distractions, a very lovely feeling inside. Now I know this, what I feel is being shown is how much am I committed to living in and with this feeling?
Timely returning to this blog, I’m reminded of a snowball tossed on a slope continuing to grow in size as it rolls across the snow. The question is do we choose to expand love or self abuse?
When we begin to honor the quality of love that we are within, we then begin to discover that a relationship with ourselves is everything, in that we realise that we are everything and this what we are here to live and reflect to all in its absoluteness. Very liberating and empowering through which true purpose is ignited.
When we take someone else for granted they feel the disregard and this is the same for ourselves.
Imagine ignoring someone who spoke to you, someone who hung around but you never gave a second to, imagine considering everyone’s needs before theirs. We would never do this to anyone we know let alone a friend so why do we treat ourselves this way? It shows the crazyily harsh way our spirit carries on every day – thank you Nikki.
Nikki, these are great questions; ‘what if I came first? Would I let myself be racy and push myself too hard to get everything done? Would I move my body in a way that was disregarding? Would I stay in emotional reaction when I know how much it hurts my body? Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest?’. I loved reading this, it makes me aware of how hard I can be on myself and how I simply would not do this with others, I would be much more holding and understanding, I feel like we can be our own worse critics.
We are with ourself 24/7 it makes sense that the relationship we have with ourselves is based on absolute love.
Great little blog Nikki, succinct and a very important point. Without a solid relationship with ourself we have no true foundation to stand on when relating to others.
Self forgetfulness, a common trap for mothers and their children. They lose their sense of self, minimize their own importance and place all their attention on the children. Not only is this self neglect, it is self abuse.
Absolutely and also not the reflection that we would choose to be giving our children if we felt into it.
Great call Nikki and one I can relate to. We can devote a lot of time to other people. listen, be supportive, care for them and yet not be the same with ourselves. True love begins at home and within our own bodies, when we care for this, all other relationships are naturally nurtured.
I do know that too Nikky, easy to go with others in full commitment but in that totally ignore that inner relationship that is at the core of all that I do bring to life and the relationships I am in. So then comes the question, what is then the quality I bring to life? It feels not very respectful, not only to the people I am with but foremost to myself too.
There can be still areas where we are tough on ourselves, acceptance and understanding help us with others so may be still needed with ourselves at times, ‘Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest?’
“I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.” Great realisation to see how you have left yourself out of the picture of your life. Wonderful to welcome yourself back.
I am learning to be much more accepting of myself , that no matter how imperfect I am I can be me. If I need more care, I will give it to myself. If I need support I will ask for it. If I need more rest, I will take it. If I have delayed or took stuff on, I will understand myself. In the love I give back to myself, I would not want to stay in the same place, I feel supported to move along.
“Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest? I wouldn’t do these things with others so why am I doing them to myself?”- Wow, this was a wake-up call for me, for sure, and shows how crazy it is to not honour myself as I naturally do with others. If we can just drop the judgement we have for ourselves and simply look at our mis-takes as a learning platform to grow and move on, then we could be constantly building ourselves up instead of contracting with self-negating thoughts and then having to recover from those emotions.
Being in a relationship with myself has been the key to being able to tell when I am at ease and when I am not. Without that dedication to understanding who I am, I am not able to discern where my attention, focus or energy is most needed and without discerning that I can get pulled in every direction trying to please, achieve and complete! I don’t really support anyone when I am not deepening that relationship with myself, therefore, I have found it is the most unselfish relationship I can have.
That is a good way to describe it Lucy, an unselfish deep and caring relationship with oneself purely for the benefit of us all.
At the risk of sounding egotistical, I will still say that our ability to connect and love another all begins with our relationship with ourselves. I have been in many relationships that failed because the person did not love themselves to actually love another.
I am understanding more and more how important my relationship with self is, and I am loving building and deepening my relationship with myself.
I love this blog as so often we can get caught up in building relationships with others yet the core and quality of how these are expressed all comes back to how we are with ourselves. Date nights with me are on the cards for 2018!
Great to be reminded of the fact that a relationship with myself supersedes self care and self love. From reading the blog I get more awareness on how I have placed relationship with others before my own as well. In fact my relationship with myself is much better when with others which is showing me that there is more love to be expressed who I am with myself.
That’s gorgeous Willem, thank you, a beautiful truth we can all be inspired by.
Thank you Nikki, the read today felt quite confronting but in a welcome way. I can see I have more self care and self honouring to live if I’m honest because what I allow for myself is not what I would allow for others. What I accept for myself is not what I would accept for a child, so there is definitely more love to live. It’s a bit of a foreign concept in the world to have a relationship to ourselves – do we know who we are and do we want to spend each moment with ourselves?
This gives me a fresh perspective for how I can approach my day, opening up more and choosing love for myself in each moment. I can feel how currently I am in an emotional reaction to a situation and wanting to blame others for it, yet when I drop and surrender to what you are presenting I can feel how that leads to a fight and tension in my body and is not what I truly want and so I can just drop it.
It is incredible how relationships work, because how we are with ourselves is reflected in our relationships with others. This is also an ultimate loving reminder of how taking responsibility works.
“What is a Relationship with Myself?” – the more and more i relate with myself the more i realise that self-relationship is all about the moves or way i am being with my body in how i move it. Because when my walk and movement is done in connection, in presence and with poise (as simple as feeling the soles of my feet touch the ground and stepping off again) .. then through the spaciousness i get to know and to understand another part of me I wasn’t aware of before.
There are so many factors to consider when it comes to what can get in and affect our relationship with ourselves. But the answer is always very very simple. Are we willing to openly and utterly accept who we are in full and the true qualities we bring no matter what others may think of us be being ourselves? The answer for me has not always been a yes as much as I would like it to be, but even in this posture we must give ourselves understanding and love no matter what.
How I am with myself affects all my relationships with others, they will only get reflected the part of that which I choose to live; so this asks me to build a true relationship with me and my body, accepting and appreciating who I am and the steps I’ll take to constantly deepen and love myself. A beautiful work in progress.
Yes, I think the level of true loving care we give to ourselves definitely comes from how appreciative we are of ourselves and others as they go hand in hand.
“I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.” This is a real ouch for most of us to realise in our lives.
It’s supportive to ask ourselves these questions, as they hold the potential to bring more love into our lives. So often we would never speak to another they way we speak to ourselves in our mind, we are taught to take care of others but not of ourselves, and it can be quite confronting to realise the lack of care, respect and love we hold ourselves in. However there is a richness of self love waiting to be lived if we are willing to go there.
The truth is that our beauty is as deep as the universe. The relationship that we have with ourself is always going to feel like we have just scratched the surface. Our relationships with others are reflections of our relationship with ourselves. Every tiny deepening has to be appreciated and celebrated as we return to the true glory we are.
Out of everyone we know and love and spend time with, we spend the most time with ourselves, in fact we can’t not be with ourselves, so it makes sense to really commit to this relationship, give it everything and make it spectacular.
We can literally have the best relationship in our whole life, just by starting to love ourselves
So simple, yet so true – and why would you ever want to miss out on that?
We’ve been spun around in this world and shown we need to do everything out there before we do anything in here. Meaning and as the article is saying we often overlook ourselves for who we are and focus everything on those around us. While this is considered a good quality to have many of us are now becoming more and more ill as a result of the way we live. What makes sense now is to start with us first and whatever the quality you touch and speak to yourself with then becomes naturally there for all else there after, makes sense. It’s important for us to see that taking care, truly taking care of ourselves is the first step in truly taking care of others.
Great to re-read this blog today and check-in with how I am going with my relationship with myself. I have not made it the most important at the moment and I can see that reflected in the relationships around me.
It would be of great benefit to us all if we made learning to love being with ourself a priority in life, as it is the foundation for everything else.
When we always put others before ourselves it can often be at the expense of our own health and wellbeing both in the short and the long term.
“I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself? Again… “No.” Great to re-read your post Nikki. I was taught – as so many are – to put everyone else before self. Yet if we don’t have a true relationship with ourselves, how can we in truth have a great relationship with others? If I view time spent on me as a way of actually supporting others – having a sense of purpose rather than indulgence – then this is time well-spent.
I know the feeling of having fantastic self-care and self-love but then leaving it at that and not truly deepening in how I am with myself in the day, how I think, how I move and so on. It is quite revealing in this way to see this and also to realise it is not only about knowing but also about activating what we know and bringing it into practise knowing we will not be perfect straight away and that we are learning.
I can feel the contentment that is possible when we once commit to loving ourselves 100%. There’s an ease and a graciousness that comes when you truly know yourself.
Our relationship with ourselves is the greatest point in our lives to focus on and develop, as it is from this point that the quality of our relationship with the world and others is established.
“I began to ponder how it would be if I placed my relationship with me first. I am not above others, but what if I came first?” reading these words this morning rocks me a little, still feeling in my body how I still put others before me as I have done most of my life, there is a definite feeling of unease within from old belief system of self sacrifice for the good of others. I am realising how far I have come from that belief and how much further there is to go in putting myself first loving and cherishing me.
Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long? Love this question today, as I am not feeling the joy, so I guess it is time to really cherish myself to the bone.
..”it is time to really cherish myself to the bone.” True Jacqmcfadden04 as our bones are the foundation of the body we live in, I just recently was asking myself what is the relationship with my bones and I discovered my bones were there but that was it. So yes to cherish myself to the bone, they deserve to be cherished. Where would we be without our bones.
Having a relationship with ourselves first is what then lays the movements of the foundation for our relationship with all others. I find the more I deepen and explore myself and how I feel that more I see reflected in all relationships around me. I find a greater awareness and observation of life occurs when we explore our own connection in particular how we move and express.
It makes sense that the relationship we have with ourselves will determine the relationships we form with others, and if that is the case then people are a valuable reflection to us – not only from a confirmation point of view but a reflection of how we treat ourselves.
The relationship with myself is the foundation where the other relationships I have rely, so it’s essential building intimacy with myself, honesty, commitment, transparency,… as everything will be reflected in the outside within other’s interactions.
It is interesting what you bring in this blog Nikky, the fact that we put so much effort in our external relationships but not to the same level to the relationship with ourselves is in a way exposing how we move around in our societies. To me it explains why there are so much difficulties in relationships but also that our external relationships will only become more loving if we work on the relationship with ourselves first. Big lesson to take, and actually very simple too.
This is such a valid point that many of us haven’t stopped to consider, which is pretty crazy considering we can not give what we first have not lived. Our relationship to ourselves is by far number one, it’s the very foundation on which we then gage how we are with others and how much love we allow in and out. Build the body of love and and then all other relationships will then equal this, for you will then know the value of who you are.
It always starts with our own quality first for that is what we bring to others.
Developing the relationship with ourselves first allows us to set the standards for all other relationships, as it is through the appreciaiton and confirmation of ourselves that we can identify and say no to that which is not from love and yes to that which we intrinsically belong to.
What is interesting to consider, is how even in our most private moments we are still always in relationship with the people in our lives, in fact we could say that it is in those most private moments with ourselves that is the basis for how all of our relationships will be.
Taking the time to get to know me has been the most amazing experience. A few years ago I wouldn’t have even considered that I didn’t know myself, but how wrong was I; all I really knew the top layer of who I was and totally unaware of all the other wonderful layers below. Developing a true relationship with me has taken time, it has taken commitment and it has taken much honesty but it has been worth it in a myriad of ways.
It feels true what you say Nikki, with regards to going so far with the self relationship but then coming to a halt as if that’s enough, when in fact it is never ending. Thank you for the reminder to keep deepening the relationship with self.
Thank you NIkki, I am inspired by your article and reminded that a clear body and mind equals clarity in life and in relationship. This means drinking and eating foods that keep my body fresh and vital and it means completing things, attending to things as they come up and not letting anything lie around unattended or uncared for and being on the front foot as they say and it means allowing my body exercise and fresh air every day and loads of appreciation for all these things…..and especially appreciation for myself for putting them in place!
There is much to take away and implement in this blog, thank you! I can feel how inspired I am to renew this commitment to myself and discover another layer that I have perhaps regarded as normal that is not normal at all!
I know that being love is placing my relationship with myself first but it can still bring up feelings of guilt when I choose love for myself. It is not selfish but I can feel how I am holding onto this ill belief in my body as an excuse to not live the love I am.
Recently I have learnt how it is possible to be present within all the little spaces in between the big activities of life such as work and family life. That it is possible to have these quiet moments where it is just time with me and in these times there is the potential for there to be so much love.
Beautifully said Nikki … lets keep looking in the mirror first, build THAT relationship, and then take our beauty out into the world.
From our body we receive the messages on how to love ourselves even more.
So the commitment to connecting to our body is key.
I have recently noticed that the more I care for myself there is more detail and care in how my home is run. Something as small as the attention to detail I will take when going to bed. When I don’t, it is noted as an opportunity to have another go rather than beat myself up about it.
I love being with myself, connecting deeper with myself. I had never appreciated how much I loved this time with me. Thank you for the reminder as it allowed me to stop and appreciate.
I loved what you shared Nikki, it has inspired me to look more deeply at my relationship with myself, which has plateaued and not gone deeper, this also would reflect on my relationships with others.
Its a no brainer – if we love and appreciate ourselves we are going to be able to do this with others, judge criticise and condemn ourselves and so to will this be our way with others.
It’s beautiful and very important the difference between self-care and actually having a relationship with yourself. Indeed, self-care and love is a gorgeous way of learning to honour oneself which leads and deepens the relationship with the body – but to take it further is a commitment and dedication to all the details in life – how we speak, act, think and move.
It was great to go back and read this as I can say that of late I have definitely been deepening my relationship with myself. It feels yummy all over and is self-perpetuating – the more I do it, the more I want to do more of it 🙂
When we commit to developing a loving, caring, nurturing and self-appreciating relationship with ourselves this naturally flows out to all our relationships. If we try to develop our relationship with people the other way round, it doesn’t seem to work as I have experienced.
The greatest relationship I have missed so much in my life is the relationship I have with me. The joy I once had, the openness, the love, deep care and honesty and integrity I once have lived and at times found hard to bring back to adult life. I am forever inspired by universal medicine and Serge Benhayon who have grounded a simple and practical yet absolutely playful way of living that is in essence the connection with myself I once had and hence has shown that even in a world where such love and care is ironically resisted, it is still very much possible to live it so.
Your blog puts the whole ‘caring for yourself is selfish’ on its head as it is super important to put ourselves first and work on the relationship with ourselves. Thinking about it, it is silly to put us, the one we are with 24/7 not first as we make our life very hard when we don’t and this also impacts all relationships we have with others.
What I am becoming to learn is the more we have true relationship with self the more true relationship we have with others. If we cannot put ourselves first and commit to us, then there is no true foundation to work with and build on for relationships with others.
This blog is a timely reminder Nikki, as I too am feeling to deepen and grow my relationship with my own self love, which is equally, my relationship with God. There is so much there to explore and go deeper with, and I have to say, this is one exploration that I am really going to enjoy in full.
What is a relationship with myself, this becomes a self-caring self-nurturing way of life that is continually being revised with no perfection just to the best of our ability.
Thank you Nikki – a gift to read this and come back to the fact that the quality of my other relationships is only as solid as the quality of relationship I hold with myself.
Perfect timing reading this. On my way home tonight I took a moment to reflect on the foundation that I have, how had my day been, how had yesterday been, how has my week been and what am I overriding or not dealing with and more importantly what is my relationship with me like at the moment. This was with no criticism, blame, judgement or beating myself up but something I had to ask myself. And what I came to, amongst several things, was something similar to what you have shared here ‘But it has stopped somewhere around here. I am not deepening my relationship with myself, or even acknowledging it’ in that my relationship with me has hit a kind of plateau and if this has happened with me then it has also happened with all my other relationships! In life we mostly talk about the relationship we have or want but rarely, truly about the one we have with ourselves.
Do I do the same for myself as I do for others, a resounding no from me. However in what quality am I serving if I am not, in the same quality, caring for myself? A vexed question to be deeply pondered.
Nikki, these are great questions to ask; ‘Would I stay in emotional reaction when I know how much it hurts my body? Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest? I wouldn’t do these things with others so why am I doing them to myself?’ I will ponder on these as I can feel that I do give myself a hard time if I feel I have said something wrong whereas I would not do this with others, I can feel how gentle and understanding I am with others and often this is more than I am with myself, so thank you for raising these, I could be much more loving, understanding and gentle with myself.
The idea of developing a relationship with myself so that I allow this sparkle to not only be with me all day but to live in a way that celebrates myself just because I am me brings up a sadness. Not because I can’t but because I have to re-develop this means at some point I turned away from this level of relationship. But as you shared Nikki part of it is saying ‘do I want to hold myself in that sadness? knowing how much it hurts me to do so’. When initallity learning to care for and love myself it hurt because even the basics where not in my life, this feels like the same just on another level now. To utterly and unashamedly love and cherish myself and hold myself in a way that I know my worth and the value I bring to the world, that by me feeling my super sparkly self without even trying provides the world with another way to live. – I don’t live this yet but thank God there are people who do like Serge Benhayon who show that it is possible.
So true Nikki – how much time, energy and thought goes into relationship with others, yet that is all an external doing. There is a quality to relationship that connects us deeply and is felt in a very genuine way, way beyond the doing. I’m discovering this quality begins with feeling and appreciating me, who I am, as I am and then sharing this honestly with others is simple, natural and knowing that the care taken is equal for us all.
I know for a fact that the relationship we have with ourselves is absolutely crucial in determining how we relate to others and with life in general. It is common sense after all – if we are angry with ourselves (for example) in any way then how is this going to change when we are around others, while it means unhealed, there is still anger there with ourselves then it does have a massive impact on how open, honest and loving we are with all those around us.
This is beautiful Nikki. From one moment of folding your washing you deepened your understanding of your choices and how we negate certain parts that can truly evolve us and make us more open so much more. It’s these consistent moments of reflection that deepen our livingness and our relationship tenfold and that is much to appreciate. A great read this morning. Thank you.
Our own love definitely is the key to how we will be with ourselves and then consequently with others. Learning to be open and honest about how we are with ourselves in different situations with others, helps to deepen and grow us more into our own divine love.
Hi Nikki, I can very much relate to this, it has hit me big time recently, that I don’t have a fully loving relationship with myself, I actually put my relationships with others or worry about other people first, in that I can loose myself completely. It’s a bit like standing in the middle of a big circle with all these things happening around the circle at different points, it might be work, food, relationships, issues with others, hurts, family, focusing on them and trying to get to the answers of how to make them all work, but the one the one thing we forget and miss out on is the centre of the circle, the person in the middle, us, me – if I work on a loving relationship with myself, my solidness then I don’t need to look outside the circle for answers, I will know what or what not to do, it will be very simple, clear and easy. I think where I loose it is leaving myself, my body, leaving me behind, and trying to work things out from my head. I think I have been caught in the trying to change things when really change happens naturally by having a loving relationship with myself.
I am so lucky to be with me. The more I am with me the more I appreciate myself.
This blog is a great reminder that when we don’t commit fully to the relationship we have with ourselves, we end up taking a lesser version around with us in everything we do, say and feel. So everyone misses out – and we’re wholly responsible.
When I neglect myself I am not the best ‘me’ I can be. That means everyone misses out.
‘Because of Serge Benhayon’, with every action I have with myself, is I am forever looking at how can I bring myself to a greater level of awareness in what I am doing. What I am referring to is conscious presence, which allows me to see those things that come up that are distractions. For example, the other day I got caught up in the glamour of how well I was doing a project and lost presence with what I was doing and scratched my finger. A small thing I know but it hurt and was unnecessary.
You make a great point, this is something I have been starting to do more of and in bringing more awareness to it, I am starting to see how much I dishonour myself in my thoughts and in my daily actions. This year- my focus is going to be on honouring myself and bringing more nurturing to each of my daily activities.
I like your focus for the coming year MW. I might do the same, but start now and not wait for January.
Beautiful , thank you Nikki.. This is exactly how I feel.. Your honesty strikes me and makes me realize that there is so much we can offer ourselves; love, care, respect.. Its so close, yet it is a matter of choice. Making the exact same commitment to ourselves as we are so well at doing to all things around us. I am inspired, so I hope you all are. Lets bring the love forth by giving it to ourselves first of All.
I really enjoy being me, it’s taken a while to get to know me beyond what I do and the roles I have. Deepening my appreciation and acceptance is then the next step with trusting me, being able to freely express from the feelings I have and knowing if it comes up to honour myself. Living my truth is returning to the natural essence that we all have within, why would I want to be anything else….
You’ve struck a chord here Nikki. After a busy week I am reflecting on my relationship with me and seeing how much it waxes and wanes – and how much I miss hanging out with me when distraction takes over. Once I miss me I am drawn to stimulation – be it busyness, food or entertainment, because the world is an empty place without a quality relationship with me.
Great point you are making Anne, stimulation of any description is only ever a distraction. For me the worst distractions are the emotions. Emotions are the most addictive things and have and are still, on occasions taking away from the quality relationship I have with myself.
Great question how many of us forget or get distracted in putting ourselves first, I know I have been caught in that? It’s only more recently that I have started to put myself first, and what a difference it makes. Building that relationship with self, I am finding is so important, if we cannot have a true relation with self, how can we have one with another?
The question of how do we really, honestly treat ourselves is a great one, for many of us if we’re honest we do allow other things to take precedence, this blog is a great inspiration to look at the areas of our lives where the commitment to ourselves may not equal the commitment we have to other areas of our lives. Imagine if we dropped our commitment to food, or to eating daily – it’s unthinkable, yet we easily drop our commitment to ourselves – it shows how off our priorities are sometimes.
Wow when put like this Nikki it is quite simple if we don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, one that is based on love, acceptance and appreciation then how can we expect a relationship that has these qualities.
If you want to truly understand if the love you show another is true, then ask yourself, do you treat yourself with the same devotion? If the answer is no, then you are not living true love, for true love will never ask you to be more for another than you would be for yourself. This however is not to condone the act of selfishness. Rather, it is to say, avoid the trap of martyrdom. Understand that your own preciousness is what needs to be connected to, for when you connect to that inner pulse, you cannot help but love outwardly, but it will be a love of such quality that it is completely non-imposing upon another, asking nothing of return, and expecting nothing to come from what it offers. It simply is.
Coming back to this and reading the part in blue it feels like a moment to stop and question – what if I paid more attention to how I react to myself, how I speak to myself, how I am with me and how I touch myself?
What I am learning is that if I just observe another there is space for change, – expectations only delay any chance of change.
When you put it like this, Nikki, it is a bit crazy that we put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list. But we can only go so far without a deeply loving connection to ourselves and our bodies, and Universal Medicine has supported me to see that I can only give to others what I give to myself first – otherwise what are we truly offering?
I can actually feel as I ponder on the question that you have so lovingly raised Nikki, that the more I commit to myself this will have a positive effect on my relationships with the rest of humanity. That being the case and energetically that feels true, then why have I wasted so much time with such an abysmal relationship with myself.
The thing is, I would not say things that I would think to others but I still would have thought it, much in the same way I have had silly out of control thoughts about myself. These thoughts to me, are even worse than words. As I ponder deeper on this learning process it does become all about the energy I have aligned to. Therefore the energy that I move with, which creates the patterns and thoughts, is destroying the relationships I have with others and myself. This then brings in the feeling of being judgmental of myself, which opens me to judge others. Thank you Nikki for opening me to this level of healing and from now on I am going to keep a close watch on my thoughts and the energy I am choosing.
It’s so different when we choose to not check out from ourselves. By that I mean not thinking about other things no matter what we may be doing, typing, brushing our teeth, walking from A to B, instead of being with ourselves in every little thing and moment. The most simple act when we are with ourselves, such as washing our hands, can be the most joyful one.
I am coming to realise I don’t have a really deeply loving relationship with myself – in being truthful it actually allows me to feel the ways in which I am unloving at times, and live from my head, that I do love myself, and want to be more tender and loving with myself, it allows me to be real, to step back and observe myself more, and know it’s okay, I can change this.
It makes so much sense to commit to ourselves so we enjoy being with us all the time. And why not, what’s not to love, appreciate and cherish – isn’t this truly what we all want?
Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest? This old pattern still tries to creep in the back door, but mostly these days I catch it and close that door, and sometimes I need a little reminder that it’s ok not to be perfect!
When we commit to deepening our relationship with ourselves we are in effect naturally deepening our relationship with others too. So, you’ve reminded me to work on reversing the way I build this relationship by starting with myself first, placing my relationship with myself on the top of the priority list and then everything will simple flow and deepening accordingly.
I know I cannot sustain or commit to my relationships with others if I don’t commit to the relationship I have with myself. I’ve seen this play out with being one way at work and then a different way at home and then a different way again with myself. Then there is gauging going on of what and whom is more important. That in itself is exhausting and I find at the end of the day there is less nurturing for myself. Great reading your experience again Nikki and the comments to look at this more closely.
Great question and being with me 24/7 is now something I fully appreciate and am consistently working on. It is the same with God who is the other 24/7 being in my life!
Thank you Nikki, you have given me a new insight to make the most of those quiet moments with myself and bring a deeper level of appreciation and love for who I am.
Deepening our relationship with ourselves allows us to connect to the essence within and learn to bring it into all our movements, so no matter where we are at or who we are with we will know the level of love in our bodies and won’t compromise for anything less.
“But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” – Nikki this is very resonating because it got me thinking back to the time a few years ago now whilst sitting on a bus, considering what a boyfriend meant, and realised i had this belief that to be in a relationship/have a boyfriend would be fun, or something fun in my life… and i immediately stopped myself going, ok, sooo am i saying then that i am not fun myself, that i don’t or can’t have fun times alone? I knew this was not true of myself, and it inspired me to go on and look at all the other things i pinned on a guy and a relationship providing…and then working on being them myself first – the art and beauty [and fun!!] of self-relationship.
When my love grows within me, it naturally bubbles out to others. To do it any other way never feels genuine. Then what I love watching is how that love is expressed in so many ways. Sometimes it is to be quiet and say nothing, other times it is a small gesture that says it all.
Building a relationship and love with ourselves is foundational to building relationships and love with all.
I pondered on this idea of having a break from ourselves and realized that many of the times I feel the need to be entertained or seek stimulation of some kind that I am looking for a break from myself. Often this is because I dont want to deal with negative feelings or take responsibility for being fully engaged in life.
I used to be very judgemental when another made a mistake but this has somewhat lessened considerably. Most of the time I have an understanding for what has happened. This has changed because I am nowhere near hard on myself like I used to be but just now and again depending on what it is, harsh thoughts can creep in. I allow this to happen usually because I give my power away and listen to another and allow them to affect me. I take on their issues… I have to watch this.
I can often find a lot to love and appreciate about other people, but often have a distorted view of myself, not seeing the things in myself that I would probably appreciate in another.
I feel the same at times and what you are sharing is a great point that I will ponder on more deeply. It is well worth it to bring more glory and appreciation to all that I am.
I agree, Nikki. Saying that we will look at something later is a choice to not be in our fullness, to disconnect from the grandness of who we are and accept something less. Every single hurt or issue that we think we have is simply a choice of energy, and we can make a different choice in the moment through the consistent commitment to an ever deepening relationship with ourselves.
I have come to understand that my life is an opportunity to continually deepen my relationship with me
It’s quite something to prioritise everything, everyone so I can avoid having a true relationship with myself. Times that require me to be with me I avoid – e.g. staying up late or worrying about an issue I created in order to worry. But what if I’m avoiding the best relationship ever? The one I have quite literally been waiting for all my life? The one I’ve tried to bury beneath all kinds of energies I’ve let in, emotions and hurts. The one I keep hearing about but haven’t made the effort to get to know but brush off and be rude to. The one that I get to feel who I am and part of a bigger, divine picture. Seems a bit crazy to not embrace this relationship.
Nikki, I love coming back to your blog and reflecting on where my relationship with me is at, am I putting myself first? Am I committing to taking care of myself, to self nurturing or am I more committed to others and to work. I can feel that I am very committed to work and that if there is time at the end of the day then I will allow some time for me, for what my body would love to do, like have a soak in the bath or paint my nails – time to lovingly be with me, but if there is not time then this self love can go by the way side – it’s great to be aware of this and actually to make the commitment to make the relationship with myself my number 1 priority.
This is a great reminder as to why I am worth loving and caring for – to get to hang out with the amazing me all day! Love it.
Why don’t we prioritise ourselves as much as we do other people – not to mention other things? For women this is a huge issue and has a devastating knock-on effect on our health.
Niki I have long been my own worst critic and not valued my relationship as much as I could. But this has an effect on the relationship I have with others. If I am rushed with myself I rush time with others – everything is a reflection. So now this is an opportunity to deeply reestablish a relationship with myself that is caring and loving and therefore this quality can be passed on to others.
Building a relationship with ourselves was never even a consideration until I started to attend the Universal Medicine courses, yes I would look at how and what I was eating, and exercise in the belief that I was keeping myself healthy but the self care would stick at one level, but now I can see that this relationship with self keeps evolving. So what I would have thought caring say a couple of years ago I now see as abusive, and no doubt this will continue to evolve.
Having inner thoughts about self-flagellation used to be a normal part of life, and on top of that I was also physically very abusive at the same time. Over indulging with substances also contributed to the sadistic way I lived. Thanks to the presentations by Serge Benhayon I am slowly introducing loving choices to my life. Great article Nikki that has opened me to another level of healing.
“What is a relationship with myself?” – this is such a pertinent question for us to ask ourselves. And a timely one to ask of myself today. I have been pondering on how to be with myself when I can feel a battle ongoing inside me – a part of me wanting and seeking to go deeper and explore more of ‘me’ whilst another part is scared, digging heels in, not wanting to change anything, being so comfortable in the familiar way of being. But we cannot ever force a scared being to trust, trust can only be built over time and with consistency. And at the same time we need to be forthcoming, persistent without being imposing, patient whilst being understanding. And sometimes time is our friend and needs to be embraced in order for change to happen on the physical level. No point in racing time or fighting time for we always lose. But when we embrace time and embrace all of who we are, then time ceases to exist in the way that we know it, and becomes an ally that is there to carry us along…and we get to realise that we are going no-where for there is no-where to go, as we are already there.
It is odd how we spend 24/7 with ourselves yet don’t commit fully to making us a priority. I know I can focus on others and what they maybe doing as a distraction for the things I need to look at within myself.
Nikki a true blessing to have this level of awareness with yourself. You express well that having a true relationship with ourselves is more than loving self care in activity, it is how we are with ourselves, how we place ourselves in relation to others. I was astounded to witness my own inner transformation. Recently, I stayed with a male friend and realised the love and care he showed me, came from me! I walked into his home as a woman who knew and loved herself and declined to be treated ‘less than’ and spoke from her depth each time she was offered something ‘less than’ her worth. It supported both of us and confirmed how far I have come.
Great sharing Nikki and what I have come to really appreciate is how I have a similar relationship with myself. It really does call for commitment and a consistent awareness along with a big dose of honesty all of the time. The minute we let something slide before you know it we have something that is there to get in the way of this connection.
If everyday you were your own date, your lover and admirer, what would you choose to do? Would you enjoy the periods where you get ignored? Would you appreciate the parts where you talk rudely and harshly to yourself? Would you accept the lack of appreciation that is rife and goes on? Wow, no wonder we get upset and into strife when we are in partnership with someone else, for they just show us the nature of our care for ourselves. We are so often the last in line to receive this Love, when it is clear from what you say Nikki we are here to be the first. Heres to a great date and day with me today.
Nikki, this is a great question to ask ourselves, ‘I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself?’ Reading this I can feel how the way I touch my young son is with such tenderness and love and care and that I do not touch myself in this same way, that it is not as loving and tender and holding, and I can feel that I can touch myself in a way that is just as loving and that this would be really supportive.
When we build and deepen a loving relationship with ourselves we no longer feel the need to seek so many distractions, we love spending time with ourself and are never bored or lonely. Then we can gauge that if we do feel bored. lonely or needy it is a sure fire sign we have disconnected from ourself.
I absolutely love how doing laundry can bring such a great awareness of what life is all about. Just shows us that we do not need to be in a church to get divine inspiration!
Learning to hold myself as deeply and lovingly as I do another, is a gorgeous process that I am really enjoying moving through. So much is revealed when we allow what we know to be absolute truth within us, out, for ourselves first, then together that love can be celebrated through our living way. And that is definitely something to be celebrated.
This blog is a great opportunity to stop and reflect upon my relationship with myself and to notice that I am also not putting the same level of quality and care into deepening the relationship with myself as I can with others. I can feel the importance of deeply appreciating the qualities I bring and how this is key to building the relationship with myself first that will support all my relationships to be more loving and true.
Your blog supports me to observe how I am with myself, and to ask myself, ‘am I treating myself equal to how I treat others?’ The answer is no. I have often put other’s needs before mine for various reasons. Now, I am learning to deepen my relationship with myself first as this impacts on how I am with others.
So much to ponder on in your beautiful blog Nikki. Whilst pondering I had a greater awareness that the relationship I have with myself is one of a degree of disregard which I must admit was quite confronting. Thank you for the gentle reminder to deepen my commitment to the quality of relationship I have with myself; thus we all benefit.
“What is a Relationship with Myself?” – the title to your post Nikki is very much worth the pause and deep thought. As i’ve been learning and continue to learn, is that everything rests in its quality — if my own quality with myself is rushed, off-key, autopilot, self-critical and so on… then i tar with the same brush its quality to the person i’m with, and affect [infect] them. So the choice to develop a relationship with myself knowing this, and deepening the awareness is the choice to be truly responsible – for one’s own life…even greater than earning a big salary or having a senior position at work…. because if there’s no responsibility for oneself through quality relationship, then where’s the quality in how money/salary will then be spent/invested, or for example in how company cultures are created by such a senior-positioned leader?
I consider that I give priority to the relationship with myself however the area that needs more work is the cricitism, judgement and expectation I put on myself sometimes. I will observe this behaviour more – thank you.
It is so easy to get distracted away from ourselves in a million different ways throughout the day yet we are worth and deserve so much more than what we offer ourselves… how gorgeous that you have come to a place where you realise that you are worth developing a deep and honouring relationship with…. This should absolutely be our foundation to move though life from.
I am learning that all comes from my relationship with myself. If i get that right, then all else comes from that. Where I am at, dictates the quality of relationships i have with all others. I am so glad Nikki has written this and exposed someone I really need to take better care of- ME!
I am learning that all comes from my relationship with myself. If i get that right, then all else comes from that. Where I am at, dictates the quality of relationships i have with all others. I am so glad Nikki has written this and exposed someone I really need to take better care of.
Developing a relationship with ourselves is key to building true realationships with others.
My relationship with myself is something that is very precious to me and this is not only because it is for me. I feel as my deepening connection expands me, then the way I feel about all of humanity makes us all equal.
This is a great question, Nikki, about whether we treat ourselves with the same understanding and compassion as we do others. It is an important subject indeed, because I feel we underestimate the power of the negative critique inside our heads, and how debilitating it can be. If I imagine that not being there any more, there is no doubt that all our relationships would be completely transformed.
Sometimes I used to give others a hard time when they made mistakes but I came to realise I did this because I felt hurt. I also came to realise that by being hard on others was not loving so I made changes choosing to have understanding instead. Now if I can make changes what happens when another is hard on me? Do I beat myself up or do I grab the opportunity to be even more loving with me with an understanding that I too acted in a way that was very judgemental of another? When another reacts to me it is because it is bringing up something in them to heal. My priority is being super loving with self.
I have come to understand that our relationship with our body is our relationship with God. Our body is communicating to us all of the time. It is a relationship that is worth committing to.
This is a great point, we put so much effort in our external relations that we forget ourselves, while it is the most important, leaving this in the background, judging ourselves, leaves us with unsteady foundations for relationships with others.
Great question to ask Nikki, what is a relationship with myself? And very inspiring to read your simple approach to it, that it is something to constantly work on like on any other relationship. What a joy!
When I was able to let go of what is right and wrong, good or bad, the relationship with myself (and with others) finally had the chance to be true.
It is very powerful to bring the awareness back to the relationship with ourselves every moment. I would ask myself, “what would I do if I would be absolutely loving to myself” before bringing this out to another. For example, there may be a lot of things that I find I wanted to say but would it be the most loving to me when I said it at that moment? It may even be my responsibility to not hold back in my words, but if these words are spoken (I would always test it out), would this action be the most loving to me? Would I put myself in a situation where it would be less than loving? So every moment, a deepening relationship with myself is to discern, whether to express or not and how to express, focusing first back to if it feels loving to me. Nikki this blog has inspired a deeper awareness from my body to be shared.
I feel once we have built self love and bought self care into our lives, the building of a loving relationship, is in deeply appreciating and honouring the qualities we live and reflect.
I loved coming back to this again Nikki. I find that I tend to skip over the appreciation of myself always looking at what is next to work on, whereas I hold no stops in appreciating the greatness in all others. Such a great call to bring our appreciation back to the heart and basis of all our relationships. The more we deepen our love and appreciation for ourselves the more of our true selves we share with the world and more this quality is what we share in our relationships.
So I worked on self care and self love and on the way I spoke to myself, so that I was no longer carrying the worst critic of me in my head. But now I realise that I do still sometimes put myself last, which when you think of it, is silly. Why are the plans I make for myself so easily changed at the whim of another? This is something I need to look at with clear eyes and perhaps make a date for me, and keep it as if I had made the same commitment to anybody else.
‘Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ Great question Nikki, and when you put like that, yes I am! Amazing how I can neglect myself and be taken over by a task list or others’ needs.
There are a lot of things we would not do to others, but we do them to ourselves – this is so true Nikki, we seem to hurt ourselves the most but our spirit would have us believe that it is others who hurt us the most which I bought into for a long time. Truth was all the old struggle and complication in my life was what I had created. And with that honesty, came the power to make different choices and was the beginning of my self-care and self-nurture.
Being in a relationship with ourselves is a fundamental and a relationship that we can’t walk away from, even if we would love to be able to do so. We can’t run and we can’t hide from ourselves, we can bottle things up, bury them, put up protections, but us having to deal with us is still there. So very much up to us to develop that relationship with ourselves.
When first attending Serge Benhayon’s presentations, it quickly became crystal clear to me that I had very little real relationship with myself as well-ingrained false beliefs and ideals brought the thoughts of it being very self-centred and arrogant to do so.
A great revelation to discover that the complete opposite is true! Since re-developing a relationship with myself, it feels amazing to be re-building a deep and solid foundation within, from which a natural confidence arises. I love ‘living from my body’ and feeling so ‘at home’ with myself nowadays.
As I accept and appreciate this ever-growing relationship with myself, relationships with others are flourishing as never before.
This is such a fundamental question to ask oneself. How much can I be with myself before I turn to something to distract myself? Barely a moment before I’m off complicating my life to take away from the simplicity of being – hours reviewing items or making decisions when I’d already felt what I know. My repertoire of distraction is vast. But just because I’m well versed in indulging in distraction and irresponsibility, at any point, I can choose to come back. I’m not the choices I’ve made or the things I’ve done/not done. I’ve an understanding of who I am but haven’t given myself the chance to live me in everyday life. Just from asking this question I can give myself permission to develop my relationship with me and drop the belief that I’m not enough.
Learning to be in a relationship with myself seemed totally alien to me when I was first introduced to it. It was suggested by a friend that I take myself on a date, and I have to admit that the whole idea felt weird and uncomfortable at the time. But the more I have got to know my true self, the more I am able to introduce small things into my life that I would never have done before. Buying myself flowers, or making a lovely meal and sitting at the table with candles to eat, making my bed and leaving it turned down ready for me when I go upstairs are just some examples of how I am able to appreciate and love myself more and more. And it’s these small steps that eventually lead to the bigger ones.
A deepening relationship with ourselves is the real glue that holds it together. It’s one that is never ending as, once a point is reached, it’s realised that there is more to unfold.
We are so ubiquitous in our life, always there day and night. It is like we forget and neglect to value and even consider ourselves. Perhaps there is much we neglect because it is always there? Like the warmth and Love of our heart that always beats true and strong and constant and deep, and is there underneath? There is so much to value and cherish about us in this life. Commonality is actually great because the truth is we all share this beauty you delicately describe Nikki.
I can see how I am much more prepared I am to work through hurts and conflicts with others but avoid my own hurts and reactions. So being more committed to my relationship with myself, definitely involves being gentler with myself when I do react or make a mistake.
It really resonated with me today what you’ve shared about your commitment to you and what a relationship with ourselves looks like, it’s an area of my life too that I can feel is asking to be deepened. The practical side of caring for oneself is also something I’ve been working on but what about the way I treat myself in my movements, in what I allow in my thoughts and in how I consider and honour myself? Now that is something to treasure and appreciate no matter how I may feel in any given moment.
Many great points to consider and to implement into our lives. As everything is determined by the quality we live with, who knows what will transpire if we love ourselves equally as everyone else.
On deepening the relationship with yourself Nikki, what you share here is great and I loved the aspect you drew about you being with you 24/7 (!), true, and your words here: “I began to ponder how it would be if I placed my relationship with me first” – it is something i find myself also exploring too in the quality sense, which, years before a true true quality was not ever present — i was racing, rushing, making everything about everyone because i didn’t want to seem self-absorbed in ‘making it about me’. Though that’s a trick, the self-absorbed belief bit, because at some point you really do have to make it about yourself by getting to know yourself (along with any self-absorbedness over avoiding looking at it) … to then remove yourself from the equation. It’s at this point that ‘relationship with self’ goes a notch deeper to deepen and refine, because it becomes more about the impact of your quality self that has a responsibility aside itself, over one’s smaller self that thinks only of self.
As I sit and look at my relationship with myself, I see there is so much more work to be done. I have been putting more effort on my relationship with others, than my self. But this is just reflecting to me now that if my relationship with self is not strong then my foundation is not strong, then in truth what is my relationship with others.
I love re reading your blog Nikki, it is powerfully very simple – if we develop a relationship with ourselves all our other relationships in our life benefit, in fact our health benefits, our energy levels go up and we become worthy contributors to society and all for acknowledging and claiming the amazingness that is inside.
It is so easy to make a choice to be away from ourselves- this is the case for me also, Nikki. In fact I think I am taking care of myself but it is at a physical and superficial level. Thank you for this very timely reminder to be much more aware of how I am treating my body.
I am drawn back to read your blog time and time again, because for me it explains so simply something that can sometimes seem a little vague and out there, how to develop a relationship with yourself. But so you say, the simplicity of treating yourself with the same love and respect you feel and express to another.
I am seeing more and more that any struggle that I have in my relationship with another is merely a reflection of a struggle that first begins in my relationship with myself.
Becoming our own best friend and loving ourselves is the basis of all relationships and is our foundation of these . “what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” this feels very lovely and true and helps support us with the world and all the self doubt and self sabatage we are prone to otherwise.
One of the first healing sessions I had with Serge Benhayon, I remembered feeling that familiar feeling as a young boy, full of vitality, joy and wonder. It did not take another second to acknowledge that what Serge Benhayon offers through Universal Medicine is the real deal, but it has taken some time to understand that the consistency with which he presents it in his life is what mastery of this life is about. The message is simple, as simple as life was as a child. Learning to be consistent is the key.
Having a relationship with myself is definately something I have avoided for probalby all of my life, and not something that I would have ever considered until very recently. I am developing this is by learning to feel what my body is really asking for, and thats not just on a physical level. It is becoming clear that there is a level of intimacy with my self that I have not wanted to go to because it has meant I would have to get very honest about my choices. So I am learning to be more open, and to stay more in touch with what is being presented to me to feel, and to simply make a choice to do that rather than to override it.
What a wonderful blog Nikki. In asking myself the same initial question I found that I had the same response as you. A big fat ‘No’. Very revealing. Thanks for the wake up call…I may just just hang out with me for a bit, make a bit of space today and explore this instead of pushing myself on into the next thing to be done :-).
“Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?”
It feels like for me there is a very old attachment to living against my body and essentially against who I truly am and how I have chosen this over and over again. This would of in the past been fuel for self bashing but that again is more of who I am not. Something that was shared in a Woman’s group a couple of years ago from Natalie Benhayon was that ‘a woman knows herself through her body’ and right now it does feel like when the time for self reflection is required which ‘me’ do I go to? The mind and the lies or the body that feels what is true. And I know the answer is obviously go to the body but do I go there in every aspect of life?
So true Leigh, and some times I have gone about treating others as badly as I have treated myself. So I now have a new point of reference from what you have shared to bring more self-love to myself and others!
I am beginning to discover more about who I am, what qualities make me who I am, rather than just the things I can do. I am leaning what connects me back to myself and my strengths and weaknesses, in short I am just beginning the life long relationship with myself
This is really great to ponder on and look deeper at Nikki, ‘I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.’
For me building and deepening a relationship with myself means really honouring everything I am feeling in my body and getting very real and honest with myself.
I used to think this was empty talk, learning to love oneself, but through the reflection of Serge Benhayon and his family I got to observe and feel something I knew to be true to my very core, and in that got to feel the truth of who I am too… and so now those words have a depth of meaning that only deepens and grows more profound as love for oneself is only the beginning of the knowing that there is only one love for all.
“I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO” – this is such a profound paragraph for me, the fact that it is totally normal to work on the way we are with others any yet we forget ourselves.
This is just one very amazing blog. It has inspired me since reading it the first time to start a conversation with myself and to hold myself lovingly with the same commitment that I do have with anyone else. What I mostly realised is the harsh way I can be with myself that I would never truly want to bring to someone else yet felt like I could not stop it within myself. I realised this is not true and that I can choose to be loving and understanding with myself and my reactions too, so I can learn and move on as the constant judgement kept me stuck.
It is quite astounding to see myself in my work, there are moments that I put myself aside and I observe myself and I make a conscious choice to do so for several reasons but all to do with being a ‘good’ worker. My body pays the price and lets be honest no one benefits from my ‘fitting in’ behaviour.
‘I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself? Again… “No.”’ Our level of commitment to life is redefined when we develop commitment to ourselves.
It’s interesting to observe the current level of relationships that we as a society have with ourselves. In so many cases if the relationship was between two people, or involving a child, as an observer there would be questions to ask as to whether we should alert relevant authorities for abuse or neglect but when we are treating ourselves in such a way we simply accept it and say nothing so as not to have to acknowledge our own knowing of the way we are with ourselves too. It’s great that there an ever growing number of people living contrary to this now and, as in this blog, expressing what they can feel in themselves and offering that as a reflection to all others.
It feels like we have a habit of taking ourselves for granted and putting relationships with other people first, mostly without ever considering that our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for relationships with others.
‘But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time?’ Nikki thank you for writing this lovely blog and particularly this sentence. I felt such joy reading it for it opened up in me the deepest sense of appreciation of myself and thus naturally everything in my life.
I just love these lightbulb moments, or moments of realisation as I call them, and I have many more of them since I began to deepen the relationship with myself, which for me means to stop looking outside for recognition, acceptance, comfort, love, appreciation and intimacy from others but instead to look within myself first which in truth, is where all the answers reside.
To ask ourselves the question ‘what is the relationship with myself?’ offers a very honest moment to reflect and recognise just how much self care and self love we actually do or do not do, as well as catching the quality and tone of self talk.
Loving ourselves deeply and bringing more of us to the fore, brings a greater depth of connection and understanding to
all relationships.
If I had have asked myself this question 10 years, 3 years, 1 year, 6 months or 2 weeks ago I would have said I am loving myself. What I am learning is that there is no end to the depth of love that I can express and receive. To focus on anything else is just a way to resist the enormous love that is within us.
Now that I have started to place my relationship with myself at the top priority, I can feel that this is the way to truly start loving humanity, because the love I am building for myself can only spill out into everything in my life…it’s as if everything is touched with gold.
Great questions Nikki; a beautiful reminder to deeply appreciate the amazingness that I am and to be responsible to deepen my relationship with myself;, certainly a work in progress;
“But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?”
Great question Nikki and one that I have been deepening and developing recently. Something I have been asking myself recently is when I am dying will It be important what project I have been on or will my ability to surrender and be all the love that I am be what matters on my death bed…… mmm…yes I have figured my relationship with my self is more important then any project or task that I think needs doing.
How crazy is it that we would never speak to another as critically as we do of ourselves, and that if we were to hear someone else speaking to us this way we would not choose to be a friend of such an abusive person, yet this can be our 24/7 judge, jury and executioner. Learning to grow the Love that is within, and bringing it to ourselves is the first step before being able to share that with all.
Great question – what is a relationship with myself? There are so many things out there that describe what that could or should be, look like or feel like. It is something I have asked myself many many times, what I found was I didn’t truly understand what that meant until I came across Universal Medicine and the ageless wisdom teachings. They defined what having a true relationship with myself meant, which was about clearing hurts, developing a gentleness, caring, then onto loving (because we can’t just go from self abuse to love in one step), then onto self loving and self honouring choices in every moment, every day.
Indeed imagine putting ourselves first to the degree we do for others. If we do invest and care for ourselves we actually impact others in a more positive way.
It’s such an interesting thing…we cannot escape ourselves, no matter how hard we try. Yet we do try very hard to be away from the one thing that is always with us. Very telling of how much or how little we value and appreciate ourselves and our bodies…
“But what if I am the most amazing person…… and what if I am pure love and open up for this love in total.”
I feel so much power in me just in connecting to this truth. The next step is to consistently put this into all my movements and actions. the best I am able to.
It is an interesting point you are making Nikki, how invested we can become in others and their well-being or them needing to change their ways, but how often do we put that same energy towards ourselves?
The loving tenderness we can give to ourselves is extraordinary, it’s just a question of allowing this natural expression to come out, because it is already there, no need to go anywhere to find it or be given permission to live it.
Thank you for sharing this, as I know I have also been caught up in putting others first before myself in the past. Over the last year I have been working on turning this around and started to put myself first. Still working on the more deeper level of connection but it makes so much of a difference in me and how I am now, more full of joy, to when I was before completely exhausted and down all the time.
There could not be a more important topic than this Nikki. Developing my relationship with myself and knowing others doing the same is a recipe that will change our relationships with each other forever! More responsibility is desperately needed in our world.
To discover that I have a relationship with myself was a bit of a revelation…growing up I assumed relationships only involved myself with others. It’s not part of our everyday vocabulary and awareness that we can build a loving relationship with ourselves and like you Nikki I wasn’t sure what building a relationship with myself would look like. I have discovered that it is a willingness to be open to my choices, reactions and responses in life, coupled with a willingness to love myself, take care of myself though supportive eating, sleeping and movement and also be understanding with myself.
I find this suggestion, of having a love affair with ourselves, in essence, amazing, it turns around so many perceptions that society has about the relationship we have with ourselves, instead making it a fundamental part of who we are, to love, cherish and truly enjoying being with ourselves.
So awesome, what a question to ask, and when I ask myself it brings some useful bits up for me to consider….”I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself?” I can see how I have cared less for myself then I have for the ‘effort’ I put into other relationships…great to come from a place of care for ourselves first, all will bloom from that.
Thanks Nikki. I’m learning this is a beautiful relationship to have and one that I’ve missed for many years.
That is so spot on Elizabeth. The relationship we have with ourselves is the foundation from which we form all other relationships.
How True – we are with ourselves 24/7 and this is a relationship well worth taking deeper and deeper….for this relationship is our foundation – what we take to meet all others with.
Relationships are just amazing to experience. They are one of the best presents, as they are an opportunity to continually discover more about ourselves and others.
We are so ready to dive in and help or support another, but when it comes to our own needs we seem to be much less willing to take care of ourselves. Personally, I grew up belienving that to put myself before others was a selfish thing to do, and it wasn’t unless I was ill and had to go to bed, that I would truly rest and give my body what it was really asking for. Whereas when we listen and connect to that inner stillness that lies within us all, and live from that place, we can and do support oursleves and everyone else in ways that are beyond our imagination.
Yes, I can relate to that, how we simply say to others ‘oh that is ok, no worry’ but with ourselves, we can be very strict. Love your blog, it inspired me to go deepen my relationship with myself as well.
It’s so easy to go into sympathy and distract myself with other’s problems. How disregarding this is for myself. In the meantime I could enjoy the stillness and rhythm I have earthed in my body and thus truly be of support for others.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and sing myself a little song and say oh you are soooo gorgeous and lucky me I get to be with you 24/7 – best relationship ever AND on top of that I am married to the most gorgeous man on the planet AND on top of that I get to see you (Nikki) almost every day – wow you are so lucky too 😉
and now I see that I am ‘checking out’ and choose to not be present with me, can be because I do not want to feel how less I did care or how I should care for me.
I am with me 24/7 – very good point and the best reason to care for the relationship with myself. And it is this ‘me’ I offer to others.
Great questions in your blog Nikki, I have asked myself these questions as well and am finding it is getting much better. The self care and self nurturing I practice for me feels lovely and even there I can take that deeper too; how I speak with my self and acknowledge and appreciate my self, that also has improved tremendously since working with Universal Medicine – and like you I also find there is room to go deeper still. So thank you for your timely blog.
It is ridiculous isn’t it Nikki, to think that we are with ourselves 24/7 but actually not with ourselves for most people, 24/7 . We try all manner of things to take us away, and all the time, still with ourselves, just not consciously. And every interaction with others brings us something to see and know about ourselves and each other, so it seems to make sense that we build and deepen our relationships from knowing our own bodies and bring our unique flavour or living way to others and visa versa as we cannot do it alone.
Nikki this is really well written and very relatable. What I can feel today is that I have a strong commitment to making sure I am loving with others, yet I will accept much less than that from others.
Nikki it would be lovely to hear how this unfolds for you as I am sure it would be inspiring for others to hear.
I love the idea to live with the feeling that I am the most amazing person and I want to be with me all the time. This really highlights for me how i am not living that as I look for endless distractions to not be with or feel me. This is something I am committed to working on. Thank you, Nikki
‘I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.’ This question is gold Nikki. It’s not surprising that we avoid this relationship when life is set up to focus on relationships with others first; and in fact when you say the word ‘relationship’ most immediately think of relationship with another, and very rarely relationship with self.
‘ I am not deepening my relationship with myself, or even acknowledging it.’ Such a great point to make Nikki, I know this is an area that I often skim over because the relationship with myself is better than it ever has been before, but why stop there? To forever deepen and expand the relationship with me first is key to deepening all my relationships and truly appreciating all the qualities we all bring.
What I’m learning is that when we stop somewhere, even if that place is fantastically amazing, that stagnation is quite toxic.
This blog asks the question about relationship with myself once I have chosen self love and care and worked on my relationship with others, so taking who I am further. It feels prudent as we might get to a point of thinking we are doing well and outer life is ok for us. But if we connect with outer life for all and what is still being allowed to happen in this world and link it back to responsibility, it does seem important to go deeper with ourselves. It feels there is another layer just there to unfold and express about for myself and perhaps all the students of The Way of The Livingness. Perhaps there are many layers but more important to just look at the next.
Would I speak to others the way I speak to myself or would I let my friend talk to themselves like that? It is quite revealing to consider the inner critical negative voice in the context of being verbalised to another, for me it exposes just how much I allow judgement and critic of myself in ways I would never allow towards another.
It is both a sad and a beautiful moment when we realise the lack of relationship with ourselves. Sad it is to feel when we are not offering ourselves a depth of care and love that we perceive to be giving to those around us (only not to ourselves) but, beautiful in that this realisation allows us to begin making some very needed changes. Then of course there is the illusion of having been caring towards others – for how can we have been truly caring towards another if we have not begun this all by caring first for ourselves. Nikki, this is such a key aspect to crack for us all, and something that I feel is an on going process of re-discovering self care/care in cycles as it seems to change and deepen each and every time.
Relationship with self is not a narcissistic thing, although it can be. The true teaching is the fact that within us there is a love that when connected to is so simple in its being that it requires nothing else in order to make us feel complete – no time out, no holidays, no achievements – nothing. And so, when we connect to that, life becomes simple, for every movement we engage in brings with it a sense of completeness. And so there is no need for this complicated rhythm that humanity finds itself in where we are forever doing things we resent – be it work or taking our the dishes – and where we are forever dreaming of those small moments where we can do what we claim is pleasurable.
When we are with ourselves there is nothing more glorious. No holiday or break from life is required – why would we want to get away from ourselves and our own divinity? Perhaps it is because we spend so much of our lives not with our own divinity that we are looking for a break from it. There is no “getting away from it all” as everything we have is right here within us all of the time. No need to do anything other than be who we are.
As you say Nikki we are with ourselves 24/7, so why don’t we develop a loving relationship with ourselves? It seems like this came naturally to us as young children, to be ourselves and love ourselves yet as we got older this relationship was replaced with the need to fit in.
I have been observing my 7 year old son and he has a lovely (imperfect) relationship with himself. The way he speaks to himself is gorgeous and he has no problem confirming himself or talking about how great he is. It is very inspiring.
Developing our relationship with the quality within us is powerful and healing as we no longer need to rely on the mental to get us through life but it is more of a full body experience and an absolute knowing of the wisdom/truth that lives within us all. Thank you Nikki, enjoyed reading your blog.
Hello Nikki and I may have said this before but I was reading your blog and seeing how this relationship is ongoing. Literally it can change in every minute or moment of the day and then each day deepens, or not. This is what we are here for, to grow or expand our awareness on what we are seeing. We can make it look like we live life void of these or this quality of relationship, but it is what we are being called to do. I know the more I grow or expand my relationships, even with same group of people the better I feel and the easier it is to understand others. Growing relationships has a huge impact on how I am.
How would it be if I placed my relationship with me first? What a great question to ask and my body is going yes yes yes, please do put me first. For me it starts with appreciating and acknowledging that I am already everything and to really feel this whatever I do or not do. And you know I do know I am a very lovely woman, so I am just stubbornly holding on to an old believe that there is something to improve before I can have this amazing relationship with myself.
“Whatever I do or not” – this has been keen for me as I for so long have identified with what I do. Being me and being with me is where I’m at. The pull to do is so very strong so it’s a work in progress 🙂
A great blog Nikki, being in relationship with ourselves… the first and most important relationship of all..
What I’ve observed recently is that our relationship with ourselves and our growth is something that requires a daily dedication, sometimes I think I can take a few days off and concentrate on my business or whatever, but this is not the case! Like any relationship is takes a daily commitment and a long-lasting dedication for things to keep deepening and to not go belly-up. We actually, simply, can’t afford to neglect this relationship, it’s the key holder to all other relationships.
I love it Nikki, putting myself first when it comes to the sort of commitment you are describing is definitely something I can say has not happened. To address every detail of the relationship I have with myself, what l’m willing to accept by way of self-talk, self-critique etc. is quite something to contemplate. Really, there is nothing more needed than this as once we make shifts in ourselves, it happens naturally with those around us.
Many times I have asked myself this question ‘What is a Relationship with Myself’… surely I would know myself by now I ask? Apparently not. It wasn’t until I discovered Universal Medicine that I found that I was not who I thought I was, and thus the uncovering, layer by layer, of the me that I thought was me to reveal the true me underneath. Giving myself compassion and understanding supports me along the way to the re-discovering of myself and the building of the relationship with the real me. Now THAT’S what a Relationship with Myself is.
“For a while now I have heard people talk of being in a relationship with themselves and committing to themselves. I liked the sound of it but I had no real understanding of what that actually meant.” – this is probably one of the most honest sharings I’ve ever read. How beautiful is it to acknowledge and accept to not really know how to have a relationship with themselves. To follow on that honesty, for a long, long time I didn’t really have an open and tender relationship with myself. I actually had quite forgotten who I really was. Now I know that I chose to hide myself and deliberately made choices to not be able to feel myself, but if anyone would have asked me years ago I would say that I was perfectly fine and that my relationship with myself was pretty good. Not having a clue of what that meant. Now I know myself to be very precious, playful, tender, loving and so much more. Not that I’m always connected to that, I am still learning to accept myself for being the amazing man I am. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes as I would have loved to write differently, but the truth is that right at this present moment this is a theme, to truly build a foundational relationship with myself that I can trust and know to be true and can return too, even if I’ve lost myself. This is a wonderful process. This blog has supported me with building this relationship. I just love it when I can relate to what people share, it’s like they’re giving me permission to open up. Isn’t that magic, that by simply sharing our true selves and experiences we’re an inspiration to an extent that we wouldn’t imagine. How powerful is that and – if we look at the state of the world these days, how needed is it…
Floris, what you have written here is absolutely beautiful – we can have such self imposed images of what it is like to have a relationship with self and how we would like ourselves to be etc., but in the end, just appreciating what already is as a foundation for our relationship with self (however basic or at times perceived as being inexistent) is key. And in my experience I have found this to go in cycles – Moments of deepening and then only to find that it all starts again, not from the same point but from a point where I am asked to go yet deeper again. And all over again I find myself asking what is a relationship with self? And so it begins again…
Thanks for sharing this with us all, its true we often focus more on how we are with others, rather than how we are with ourselves. This is something I will now bring more focus too.
‘For a while I have been saying that I work on my relationship with me, but if I am honest, I place my relationship with myself at the bottom of the pile.’ I am learning how uncomfortable the ‘bottom of the pile’ is Nikki! It takes a concerted effort to remove oneself from what one placed on top and deemed more important. Eventually the pile must be dealt with by choice or by necessity!
And I’d say by choice would be a far more loving experience than by necessity …
Thanks, Nikki. I love your honesty in saying “I get very little attention”. It has been a long time coming, but I can say that I am finally starting to live in a way where my movements are from a connection to my body and an awareness of how I am feeling first and foremost, before I then step out into the world or an activity. This ongoing process has been fundamental in building a relationship with me, where I truly feel that I am worthy of attention and love.
Nikki, I love this, ‘Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ This feels very gorgeous, I often enjoy being with me, but not all day, I find at work I commit to be being with me and at home sometimes I’m rushing to get as much done as possible and so am not with myself and do not get to enjoy me, great to reflect on, thank you.
“I am not deepening my relationship with myself, or even acknowledging it.”
Very much appreciate your honesty here Nikki, on the surface we can have self care well managed but perhaps in this we can justify and avoid going deeper – how much more true would our responsibility and integrity towards others be if we were to first initiate this for ourselves.
So beauty-fully to read where I am at, too 🙂 thank you for sharing so easily honestly, simply. Loved to read it.
if we turned the world upside down and made self-care the starting point, health would improve, countries would save millions and the service we provide each other would increase in volume and quality.
Nailed it Nikki – I can really relate to this. The difference between self-care and relationship with self is actually immense. One betters our life but still doesn’t bring us to a deep acceptance and awe of who we really are. Being in true relationship with ourselves is something I am really enjoying at the moment – as I’m becoming more of what it actually means, an understanding of joy and en-joying my life is emerging for the first time. It is there at our fingertips in any moment and is a journey that is fabulous to take.
Reading what you share Ariana makes it so simple and clear. We give ourselves the short end of the stick and treat ourselves in a way we would never treat anyone else.
I was quite amused recently when I became aware that I had been walking and was completely distracted. I caught myself then a split second later and I was gone again. I laughed as I realised how quick I am to leave myself behind.
Today on my morning walk I stopped at one point and noticed that I had been thinking about work the whole time. I was not even with me. If I was to go for a walk with someone else who ignored me the entire time, I doubt I would want to walk with them again. It was another moment where I was very aware of how little time I spend being with me. It has not yet ceased to amaze me how little time I can spend with myself when I’m literally with myself!
Haha, yes a friend would not be too pleased to be ignored in such a way. A great way to reflect on our relationship with ourselves.
It is a great realisation Nikki and one I can also relate to. When I go for my walks, my intention is always that I want to walk with me, and then I notice ‘hang on, where have I been’ – off with the thoughts… so then I stop, breathe reconnect and start again. Sometimes it happens a lot and other times I do have lovely walks with my self, and the felt difference is really noticeable.
This is a most pertinent question, one that we all need to ask ourselves at some stage. I too have often been known to say that I am having a relationship with myself, but after reading this blog for the second time I am asking myself if I really am. After all it is something that we are not encouraged and supported to do as children so we end up lurching through our lives wondering why we struggle in relationships with others, blaming them when the relationship doesn’t work, meanwhile totally ignoring the most important one of all, the relationship with ourselves. How the world would change if this was presented to all children from a very early age.
It is interesting how we are in a relationship with ourselves 24/7 and yet how many times in the day do I avoid, distract or numb and disconnect from myself. Whilst it might be a momentary unpleasant feeling, reaction or issue I might want to avoid dealing with, the longer I stay disconnected from myself the worse the devastation of disconnection from my inner essence is.
I had an experience recently when I was walking, I felt like I was walking with me, I felt a cycle, I felt the familiarity of being with me in all situations, places etc..the pictures and background changes but I am with me always, I bring me. So the dialogue with what was outside and around me altered, I was not going to it, I was bringing me, it felt incredibly different.
‘But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ And why not feel like this about ourselves, interesting that I can come up with some ‘yeah but’s’ when it comes to this. I can relate to offering myself love and care, but it is another level to truly embrace ourselves for all that we are. I can feel this is related to how much I am willing to stand by my absoluteness in who I am, and not need approval or acknowledgement from others. Knowing who I am and enjoying it.
Your blog has got me very curious about how I treat myself. I certainly take care of my body in a way that I never used to and that is something to be appreciated, but this relationship with me is worth looking at more deeply. One thing that came to me as I read you blog again is how I rush myself. I asked myself would I do that to another person? The answer was a definitive ‘NO,’ so that’s something I will be focusing on for a while. Definitely a habit I want to drop.
To treat myself as I would treat a friend has made a huge change in my life – thanks to Serge Benhayon. It is a bit scary that so few people have learned to do this and instead have accommodated the ideal of “selfless service” at the expense of one’s own body.
Great question Nicki, do we put the same amount of time and care into our most primary or primary relationships, the relationship with ourselves.
Nicki, this is such a great question- do i have the same commitment to myself as to others? I think the answer is no for me too and this has really made me stop in my tracks. It is so easy to do self care in a superficial way but to care for ourselves deeply takes another level of commitment that I sometimes avoid going to. I am going to be feeling into this now and I will certainly be making some changes!
No matter what, the greatest foundation we could ever have to support in life is the relationship with ourselves, for if this is not going so well then how can the rest of life be truly any better?
The change in focus that Nikki describes here from concerning ourselves with our outer relationships back into placing ourselves first has been a difficult one for me, as I had been fooled by the fallacy that that approach is somehow ‘self-centred’ or egocentric. But in reality, this article has been a great reminder of how false that belief is, and that beginning to place myself first would limit the time I spent doing things that are not supportive of me, as they would stand out more as such.
The more we work on our relationship with ourselves then the more all our other relationships will benefit for sure.
What would life be like if we committed to our relationship with ourselves.
There is no barrier in between you and me. We are not the islands we think ourselves to be. It’s really completely absurd like child who looks in the mirror for the first time and gets scared by the strange kid who stares right back, we are just as fooled. For all the difference of hair, skin and race we may see, the underlying soulful quality is the same in you and me. The connection goes in every atom, particle and cell. So your words remind me Nicki, that a relationship with myself means with the whole universe, with every living thing.
I love what you have written Joseph. It feels gorgeous to read.
Oh I love this, so lovingly said Joseph: “For all the difference of hair, skin and race we may see, the underlying soulful quality is the same in you and me. The connection goes in every atom, particle and cell. “
I have always had times when I love to be with myself with no one else around, and love to be with my own company. But there are other times, though infrequently now, that I really do not enjoy being alone. It is in those times that I get restless and find myself not quite knowing what to do with myself, but I know that these are the times that are potentially deeply healing, if I allow myself to stop and feel the discomfort of being on my own and I have to question what it is that I am avoiding. The more I do this, the less it becomes an issue, and the more I love to be with me.
Wow, Nikki, this is quite an exposing blog, thank you. And I thought my self care details were pretty good. But you have exposed a very important factor, my relationship with myself. That is a side we don’t always realise needs far more attention, as you say, it is our relationship with others that we tend to put first. But yes, we are with ourselves all of the time so “Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” is a very pertinent question. Certainly all that Serge Benhayon has presented shows how important it is for us to work on our relationship with ourselves, so that is going to require much more consideration on my part. Time for far more appreciation, and consideration of myself in all that I do.
What would it sound like if we all put our thoughts on loud speaker? Would it be a cacophony of abusive voices? And what is the purpose of this?
This is a great question to ask ourselves and look at where we can go deeper in our relationships with ourselves. I find that if I am not being loving with others then it’s a great indication of whether I am being loving with myself. Self-love and a commitment to our relationship with ourselves connects us with humanity, that is pehaps why we avoid it…
That is a great warning bell – if we are not being loving with others, then how are we with ourselves?
Indeed and a very pertinent question to ask ourselves; especially when we have become aware of a situation where this was reflected, we have the opportunity to truly assess how had we been with our selves for this situation to occur in the way that it did,
“I’ll look at that later” was such a common response from me too, Nikki, when it came to the subject of my relationship with myself. I could not pin myself down to look at it, because my lack of self worth got in the way. Having let go of the judgements and self criticism, I now find myself in a new and exciting relationship – with me and my body, and I am finding new ways to express the love and care I now feel and enjoy every day.
Beautifully inspiring. It resets my automatic sensors that were always somewhere out there around others and what they might think or do – back to me, my foundation, my innermost.
Yes that’s where it is at – “… back to me, my foundation, my innermost.” The more we can remember this and connect and keep reconnect, the more stable this foundation back to ourselves will become.
‘I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself’, me too, Nikki, and I’m appreciating more and more that how I am with myself is the quality that I bring to all my relationships.
“What is a relationship with myself?”… is a great stopper… just reading it, brings forth the impact that self-talk and self care has on the way we live, the intimacy we have with ourselves and in turn, the relationships we have with other people.
Our relationship with ourselves gives birth to all things.
I have noticed a huge resistance in me to having a relationship with myself. I have a lifetime of not having a relationship with me and always seeking something outside of me or some form of distraction. I’m gently and slowly working on me but I do find it a lot easier working on relationships with others than I do with myself.
Profound expression Alexis, and when we embrace this fact we can then observe everything around us and see where there is room to go deeper into relationship with our selves.
“I am not deepening my relationship with myself, or even acknowledging it.” – this is a powerful statement and a very honest one, and one I can relate to, coming to realise that I need to bring far more awareness to by relationship with myself, beginning to understand thanks to your blog just how important it is.
There also seems to be some resistance in having a relationship with ourselves, it can be unsatisfying, so we seek outside of us. BUT how many of us truly appreciate and value ourselves, to find that in having a relationship with ourselves something magical begins to happen, we become more joyful, which is sustaining, we feel ourselves, we feel our power, our choices, it is actually a very special unfoldment…which really could be normal. This is my experience as i return back to me…then i seem to just love others even more too!
We don’t need to rah rah this or to shout it from a roof top but we do need to truly build and appreciate the little things we feel in each moment. As Nikki is saying you can have relationships all around you but you need to consider your relationship with yourself in that equally. It is amazing the thoughts that come around anytime without think of having a relationship with ourselves but yet it makes perfect sense. We live in a world of natural balance as most know, in fact it’s basic physics so just like that the balance naturally needs to be in everything, an equal part of both. It’s great to touch on and see where everything comes from because as we can see bring dominance to one part of your life it may look good but equal to that there will be another part that will suffer, it’s completely natural and how everything is around us.
What a simply, great blog Nikki. Relationship with self is not something talked about like relationship with others, yes we can put all this energy into that, even have relationship counselling. Often when we have conflict going on with another, then it becomes all about them. Yet how often do we stop and ask as you have ‘what is my relationship with me, how do i treat myself, what do i allow, as you say, we are with ourselves 24/7 there is no escape only that we can ignore ourselves and invest outside of ourselves, but we still can’t get away.
“I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself?” This is a great question Nikki, and one that I have not bothered to stop and ask of myself. Definitely something I need to ponder on and look at why I have avoided this for so long.
We don’t get to live the joyful life we all want while escaping from ourselves and allowing constant abuse from the voice in our head. All our other relationships are then tainted with expectations to provide us with everything we have forsaken and not chosen for ourselves.
I loved the shift of focus of committing to yourself. It removes the ‘taking yourself for granted’ way of being and highlights that as a 24/7 relationship, it is the relationship we most need to work on. And its not to see all the bad stuff (which most of us are quite good at!) Its seeing the loveliness of committing to ourselves.
Love your comment Fiona, especially the last bit: “It’s seeing the loveliness of committing to ourselves.”
I agree that most of us have a lack of focus on our relationship with self, compared with the focus we give to our relationship with others. It seems to me that we are caught in the illusion that how we are with ourselves doesn’t affect anyone else. Whereas, the effect is tangible if we are reactive, dismissive etc. with others. I have felt many times that this illusion isn’t true and the foundation of my relationships is the one I have with me, yet I still find the inequality plays out at times.
I love watching the beautiful photo that is at the top of this beautiful and important sharing. I feel the stillness and joy of ‘just’ sitting there, folding the laundry. There’s such a grace in so many details of the picture. The hands, the smile, the allready foulded laundry, the clean room, the colours. Simple inspiration, no words needed.
I loved reading this! How wonderful to decide to be in relationship with myself. To nurture this relationship more than I’ve ever done before. To be there for myself when I’ve felt upset by something like I would be there for another. To really commit and know what this feels like.
“For a while I have been saying that I work on my relationship with me, but if I am honest, I place my relationship with myself at the bottom of the pile.” It is interesting how at a point I knew it was important to build a relationship with myself, which I did, but that sometimes it becomes a little bit like a thing I think I do but never evaluate if I am really still. From this I feel it is important to constantly check in with ourselves when we commit to something because if not I found getting ‘stuck’ on a certain level is very possible and some loving work can be done. Thank you Nikki for reminding me.
Nikki, I love it especially the last paragraph. “But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” What if….??!! It makes so much sense! and if we don’t want to be with ourselves then why on earth would other people want to be with us??!
Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for all our other relationships.
Love the honesty in this Nikki; that you had not afforded yourself the same quality as you afforded your other relationships. Bringing it back to the detail with ourselves is very nourishing and I notice it changes the way I feel about myself, this article reminds me again how crucial the little things are.
I had a huge wake up call recently when a dear friend wrote something very beautiful about me. I realised that I didn’t appreciate the depth of love that she was expressing for me, for myself. I could feel how I have such high expectations of myself and take so much for granted in terms of what I bring to the world. It was quite confronting to feel this and realise that this lack of appreciation for myself also affects what I’m bringing to everyone else in all my relationships. Massive appreciation coming my way, from me, to me, with love.
By deepening our relationship with ourselves we are naturally bringing more to our relationships with others, where as if we are always seeking to be everything for others it could be coming from a lack of self worth.
We are in a relationship with ourselves 24/7, there is no escaping this, it is just a case of are we truly aware of this and how much do we love and care for ourselves. There have been many times in my life where even if it is just me in a room I haven’t wanted to connect with me, be in my heart, feel how I honesty am or reflect on my day and sometimes I still have moments of this but far less than I have before. So once we lovingly and consistently make the step towards ourselves things do change. I love what you shared here and think this is really important as putting ourselves first (in taking care of ourselves), particularly mothers, is often seen as selfish when in truth if it is not harming another, being greedy or as you say not putting ourselves ‘above’ others’I am not above others, but what if I came first? Would I let myself be racy and push myself too hard to get everything done?’ is something that ultimately can help support others. As if we have an amazing relationship with ourselves, listening and honouring our bodies, changing what needs to be changed in order to be more loving and supportive with ourselves, then we will be more solid, supportive, aware and loving with others too.
We should make this a subject at school, to allow for kids to understand what it truly means to build, care and nurture a relationship with oneself. As you say Nikki, it is the one relationship you will be in for the rest of your life. So it is really important to foster this relationship.
Yes indeed, Raegan, what more important a subject area is there than building and deepening this fundamental relationship with ourselves to support us through life?
Yes, Katie, I went through the motions of self care for some time, but it was only when I healed my lack of self worth that I was able to truly begin to build a relationship of self love.
Since reading your blog Nikki I have become more aware of the meaning of your question, and I am learning there is always more to deepen my relationship with myself. I had a wake up call yesterday when I had results for my osteoporosis which came back as still being on the the decline. I can feel that this is asking me to go deeper with my relationship with myself and look at areas of my life I am still disregarding in.
Nikki this is awesome what you share and you break it down so beautifully, that fact that we are Awesome and why wouldn’t we want to deepen our relationships with ourselves is so true. I love how you have shared your ‘Light Bulb’ moment and it has supported and inspired me to commit that much more to myself as it seems totally worth it.
How we treat ourselves will be how we treat all others. And how others treat us is perhaps a reflection of how we treat ourselves.
For our relationships to be successful we have to first develop a relationship with ourselves, which includes taking care of our own needs, honoring all our feelings and listenting to the continuous communication from our bodies.
Some interesting points made here Nikki, especially the fact that we are with ourselves 24/7 and that there are endless moments to deepen the relationship with ourselves if we so choose.
I have been looking at the relationship with myself and feeling how much I react to me. I react to feeling tired, the aches and pains my body so lovingly communicates with me and the negative dialogue in my head. I then react to my own reactions. With this blog in mind I have been making the choice to put me first and with this focus it was incredible to feel the strength and power that started to come from me.
This is true for me also Fiona – that I react to myself. I react to being tired for example. I would never react to someone else being tired, I would be far more supportive and loving than I am with myself.
Our unfolding is an ongoing, deepening commitment to self. It never stops as my awareness develops but it is true I can tend to put myself at the bottom of the ‘pile’ when it comes to the relationship with self especially in being consistent with my everyday simple movements.
This blog really made me consider the distinction between self care, self nurturing and the relationship I have with myself. If I don’t put myself first and allow time and space to feel and honour my body and respond, my actions towards self care or self nurturing lack the quality of me to make them loving and deeper.
Thank you for this explanation that is so simple, why is a relationship with ourselves not the very first thing we are taught – it makes so much sense that the same principles we apply to developing the relationships we have with others need to equally be applied to ourselves.
Nikki, thank you for sharing your ‘light bulb moment”. I see that I have been under the illusion that I am developing my relationship with me by bringing more self-care into my daily rhythm and appreciating myself more but I do put myself way down the list of priorities and I realize, having read your blog, that I do not have the same commitment to myself as I do to others.
Eeeekk,….Nikki, think you might have opened up a self conversation with people everywhere!!
Yes!! I have been avoiding any deepening of a relationship with me like the plague. Instead spending all my time working on relationships with others (that being a full time job). I have been pretending that I focus on myself but the truth is, I really don’t.
Lot’s to ponder on here….
I love this blog Nikki, I feel very inspired to step up my commitment to me. I agree with all you had written, and the thought of being around someone amazing 24/7 sounds like an incredible bonus.
Thank you for sharing your awareness around this Nikki. How will life be if we are own best friend?
Great questions. What would life be like is we brought to ourselves everything we crave from others?
To build a relationship with ourselves and make that an important aspect of our lives is very challenging because we are taught from young how to distract ourselves away from who we are and to avoid this relationship with ourselves as much as possible.
I notice how my relationship with me changes the moment I decide to get busy doing and bring myself or quality into what I am doing. Then the thing that I am doing seems to become much more important than feeling how amazing I actually am underneath that drive, and things just aren’t as much fun, or as energetically serving when me and my quality are missing.
This blog makes me realize how the relationship with myself can be deepened imensely. It is very revealing to feel how I don’t truly commit to this relationship, but am quite a lot of time with the relationship with others. This is great to feel, and make this commitment, the relationship with ourself is the most important there is.
Thank you for writing this blog. It is easy to loose sight of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Appreciating ourselves is a big key. When we are able to appreciate who we are, what we do, then it is much easier to have a great relationship with yourself. Great blog!
We need a solid and trustworthy relationship with ourselves in order to have good relationships with others. If we compromise in any way we are not being true to ourselves or honouring others.
Thank you Nikki I have moments when I am aware that my relationship with myself could deepen. After reading this blog I realise if I settle with how it is I am no longer actually loving and caring for myself as I am overriding that which my body is calling for. Certainly I can appreciate there is a level of love and care I now live with and it is because of this I can recognise the ongoing process but it is important to not stop and turn love and care into comfort just because I feel a whole lot ‘better’ than I used to. An inspiring read thank you 🙂
‘The joy of being with me all day long’ is something that I too am experiencing, and this joy naturally spills out to be shared with others. Life becomes simpler when we are no longer needy or constantly looking for recognition, but rather content, spacious and open to connection.
Beautiful Janet, ‘ content, spacious and open to connection’ is exactly what I am also feeling.
Reading this blog I am reminded that true relationships are part of evolution and therefore, just as we continually work on our relationships, it can be the case with the relationship we have with our self.
Over 10 years ago now I first heard Serge Benhayon present about self nurturing – a dedicated commitment to self care and self love and that this was not a selfish thing, but something that is actually very self-less, because in taking deep care of yourself you can be of more service and support to others. I am still uncovering and discovering the details and depths of self-nuturing today but it has changed my life forever for the better.
“…As I’m with me 24/7. I don’t get a break from me.” This line really stood out for me. When put like that it makes so much sense to be developing our most key relationship, which is with us. We try all sorts of numbing tactics and distractions to not feel this and dismiss our own importance, but when invested in, our relationship with ourselves set up a quality of interaction with life and with others.
If we made taking care of ourselves a priority, e.g. going for a short walk everyday, having a drink of water when we needed it, going to bed when we feel the day is complete rather than leaving it until we feel tired etc etc. our lives would be very different. By going against all these things that our bodies are naturally asking for actually enduces exhaustion, quite the opposite from what is generally thought of as being the norm in society today.
These are such simple questions, with such simple responses yet do we ever really ask them, or follow through? And if we do, how consistent are we?
It is interesting to observe how we measure the way we are with others and ourselves and the differences in this. I know this very well and realized an investment I have in order to receive recognition and acceptance. So this consciousness and neediness binds me so that my touch towards others may be gentle but is laced with expectation. It feels totally different to touch another with no agenda, just the way I am and can expose where I am at in this moment.
Thank-you Nikki for this inspiring and very timely reminder, for if I am really honest I haven’t committed to building my relationship with myself 24/7, mostly by allowing those negative thoughts in to self-criticise and bash myself up with and I realise I have used them to prevent me from keeping continually committing to deepening my relationship with myself,in which not only do I get to understand me even more, but also to have a deeper understanding of others.
10 years ago looking back in the ‘relationship with myself’, I would have said I did have one if you’d asked me back then, and thought it almost an ironic question to ask by virtue of me being the one in the relationship (!!!) Though I did not make the realisation back then that my ‘relationship with myself’ – was in fact anything except ‘being with myself’, but instead something I gave to everything else. Because we can all have a relationship, or say we already have one and not bother too much… but it’s only through exploring and re-establishing the quality of the relationship through the way you see, or relate with yourself, that a true relationship with oneself can be. For me the key ingredient was learning to be honest. And deepening this level of honesty which continues today ten years later…
This is a great blog reminding us that there are so many moments in our day that we can consciously ‘clock’ being with ourselves, like as it would be bumping into a long lost friend on the street and saying ‘Hi!’ This check-in builds the friendship, the relationship we have with ourselves and is very nurturing, and reassuring that one is never truly alone..
I love this playful approach.
When I look at the photo in this post, it is beautiful to feel the sense of what being ‘with yourself’ is and in this case, the quiet and careful folding of the linen. And then I contrast this is to how many of us are in life and at home, so often distracted, racing at speed, generally whirring about the place doing multi-things at one time, or even if it is one thing, there is almost like a buzz or hive that sits underneath whatever it is being done to make the quality far from still.
“Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” Absolutely! What I am coming to realise is that holding back any part of me is simply a choice to deny and avoid the awesome joy that is already inside me waiting to be let out.
It was so inspiring to read your blog this morning Nikki… and to ponder on what you are offering here. I too will put everyone else before me which as you say is crazy when we are with us 24/7! And the truth is that how we are with ourselves is how we are with others, so are we truly deepening our relationships with others or are we only going to a certain level in those relationships too?!
Great blog Nikki and an ouch moment for myself too, recognising that I do not put myself first, on most occasions.
And this is a great reminder of the importance to build a foundation of love in my body first before sharing it with others.
Since first reading this blog last week, I can feel how the bar has lifted for me to deepen my relationship with myself. It is only through this commitment to myself can I fully commit to all of humanity.
I used to loath the fact that I could not ‘get away’ from myself and spent a large part of my life feeling absolutely suffocated by this. I have now come to see that by simply choosing to love and care for myself instead of running away, the self-imposed walls that I felt were caving in on me, have been dismantled and all the pain that I have felt was because I had identified with a false ‘me’ and not the true me that I truly love being around.
It has been a big turning point in my life and subsequent wellbeing with at last beginning to be aware of developing a relationship with myself first and foremost! An alien concept until hearing Serge Benhayon presenting The Ancient Wisdom Teachings. The foundation is being re-built and it feels amazing to not be at the mercy of a roller coaster of emotions because of this simple choice.
We are all in constant relationship with ourselves, even if our relationship with ourself feels non existent or abusive.
Great question Nikki, How is our relationship with our self? I am going to observe this for the next week and look at the areas I can deepen and expand on. Thanks for the inspiration.
“I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself.” It was not so long ago that I would not have even considered that this was a possibility. I too am learning how much I have dismissed myself over putting others before me. Your blog is inspiring Nikki and I can feel how there is the potential to go much deeper with building a relationship with myself.
It can be frowned upon to take care of yourself, especially first. There is not only an attitude of “harden up” but also that it is caring to put others first. It’s all mixed up!
That is beautiful Willem. I love it when we share our experiences what comes from them and the ripple effect they can have.
Wiping a table can have a huge impact. The way we walk down a supermarket aisle or the way we put a cup in the cupboard. These finer details in life are what life is made up of. We can be quick to brush them off but they are life and if each moment in life is full of us, then life is very rich.
Gosh, how key is the relationship with ourselves in all that we do? And the end of the day how we are with ourselves can not and can never be divorced from the way we feel about life, as underneath all of the emotion lies the true quality of how we are living/
Something I like to observe is what it is like to be with me all day. So I check in and see if my relationship at 6am, lets say is any different at 1pm or 5pm etc. This gives me such a practical marker from my body and shows me if my relationship is deepening or if there is tension and why.
Exactly, and then it is often quite clear what to do about it.
Today the relationship with myself got a new insight: the relationship with myself is also choosing to not do what I know will hurt me – even though my mind might try to convince me to have certain foods or do anything else that doesn’t support me. This is in fact deep appreciation and confirming how important I am for me.
If we were to for one day put ourselves first and look at the relationship we have with ourselves, then it would eradicate selfishness – There could be no selfishness because we would be willing to see the importance of a foundation of a great relationship with ourselves that then expands to others.
Expressing the truth for all of us – how never ending, deepening, deeply loving getting to know ourselves and God can be.
Awesome realisation and equally awesome that you shared it. Your light-bulb moment has now become mine. Thank You.
I love that there is no end in terms of how far we can take our relationship with ourselves.
One thing that comes to mind for me is the self talk that we go on with and being our own worst critic; in a truly good relationship some of what we say to ourselves would not be acceptable at all – so why do we think we can inflict it upon ourselves?
Self-love is the stepping stone to opening our hearts to others and loving them whole heartedly.
“But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?” I just love these words Nikki, the joy of being with me all day long, inspiring, thank you. I get so caught up at times in the doing that I forget the joy I have in being me.
Nikki for me the fact that you have ‘fantastic self-care and self-love’ is a wonderful reflection of your relationship with yourself. It is as a result of our relationship with our self that we begin to practice self-care and self-love in the first place and in turn our relationship with our self naturally deepens as a result of these things.
I love this blog – it makes the slightly vague notion of a relationship with yourself super simple and easy to understand – it is a commitment to developing a relationship with ourselves in the same way we are with others. Just as I would work on not shouting or being rude to my friends, I also need to work on my internal dialogue not being harsh or critical or rude to myself.
Well said, Rebecca. We can become a really great friend to ourselves!
Thank you Nikki. The key in getting honest is to not beat ourselves up or get down on ourselves. I really appreciate how you have written this blog as it calls one to ‘get honest’ in a loving way.
And that makes all the difference – when we are loving with ourselves no matter what, we can also shift things much quicker.
It’s a great question…what does it mean to build a relationship with myself? In the past I would have given a list of things that I do, but not say how am I with myself, how do I treat myself, how do I talk to myself, how do I move my body, how do I put myself to bed, wake up, how do I prepare myself for the day? Even though all of these things are part of my self-care, they are also a part of me building a relationship with myself and getting to know me. Self-honesty is very important but with that comes a level of honesty that is not about being harsh on myself. How would I be with myself if I were a 2 year old? Very honest, very tender and loving, very gentle, I would have no concept of what self-criticism is and I would love moving and being in my body. Seems like a great place to start in deepening a relationship with myself.
Thanks Nikki for the clarification of what the meaning of relationship with self means. It’s very revealing when we ponder how we treat ourselves.
I love how simply folding the laundry can deliver such a profound insight. It just goes to show that if we are open to knowing ourselves we can get profound insights doing anything.
I really love this reminder of the 24/7 relationship we have with ourselves. The fact that I am always here, constantly present leads me to question the overall quality of the relationship that I have with myself. How often do I choose to not remain present and actually numb my body or check-out in to my mind, leaving my body behind? It is quite painful actually to admit, but maybe the more honest I can be about this, the more likely I am to choose that presence rather than to drift away and leave my body behind.
After writing that last comment and pondering a little deeper, perhaps it is an illusion really that we think we are more loving with others than we are with ourselves, because I feel the truth is that we can only express as much love as we have built inside of us as a foundation of self love. So really the love we are able to offer to other people in our lives is actually equal to the love we hold ourselves in – ouch! So much more reason to keep building that relationships with ourselves and with self love.
Reading your blog Nikki has made me realise that I am my own life long partner in this life and I do live with me 24 – 7 and yet I do not devote the same attention to this relationship with myself as my other relationships. And yet the health and depth of my other relationships is determined and limited by the quality of this first relationship with myself.
‘How it would be if I placed my relationship with me first?’ This is a great question Nikki. In the past I always thought that this was self centred and irresponsible, but I have learned through the teachings of Universal Medicine, that the quality with which we treat ourselves and move our bodies is what ripples out into the world, so it is ultimately responsible to be loving with every step and enjoy ever deepening this connection to ourselves..
Nikki, these are great questions, ‘what if I came first? Would I let myself be racy and push myself too hard to get everything done? Would I move my body in a way that was disregarding? I can feel how if someone else was disregarding themselves and pushing themselves I would say or notice that this didn’t feel great and yet with myself I do not notice and observe in the same way, I find it much easier to support others rather than support myself, I would check that if I’m looking after children they have coats, water, snacks and yet do not bring this same level of care to myself consistently, so I can feel that that Im putting others before myself, not putting me first, this is great to be aware of.
Developing a relationship with others is beautiful, but developing a relationship with ourselves first is the most beautiful thing we can do.
I love that your blog has taken this to the fact that we can be more self-caring and loving of ourselves but still neglect the relationship we have with self. Do we know ourselves fully, are we open to learning more about ourselves constantly, allowing, accepting and understanding, without judgement, reaction, criticism, or expectation. Lots to ponder here, thanks Nikki.
It’s a great point you make here Nikki about the way we treat others but then treat ourselves differently, and on many occasions being harder on ourselves than on others. After reading this yesterday I had a situation at work and I could have rushed to please another but I asked myself am I putting myself first and then choose to take my time, and as it happened my clients were late so there was no need to rush.
So true Julie, when we are hard on ourselves it opens the door wide to self-doubt which only further erodes our sense of self-worth.
In reading this again I really reflected on my ability to forgive myself, for inevitably I will make mistakes and have done so many times, and will likely do so many time more, but there is a huge lesson in being able to forgive and allow myself these mistakes and treat myself with the same level of understanding that I would give others. For me this would be a deepening of my own relationship with self, no shame or pride or arrogance, just a humble willingness to be who I am and live with this grace.
Many good points raised in your blog Nikki and much to reflect upon. I have also come to learn to be much more aware how I treat myself after the obvious self care that is so important. I have found that my relationship with me has deepened in the sense that I have stopped beating myself up over mistakes, that I can just acknowledge them, reflect on how they came to be and move on, just like I would do if it was someone else that shared their mistakes with me, not condemning them but holding them in the love, reflect and move on.
Wow Nikki your amazing blog is such an inspiration for me to deepen my relationship with myself.
Yes me too Ester, it opens up the possibility to really check in and observe how exactly we are with ourselves, doesn’t it.
To put ourselves first – is this not our greatest challenge as women? We think everyone and everything needs to be prioritised ahead of ourselves, hence the endless to do lists and pushing and striving and hardening of our bodies. Bring back the love and appreciation for ourselves back first and foremost – yes.
It’s so true – we are with ourselves 24/7, and even if we try to escape that we eventually have to come back to face ourself and our choices. So we be our own enemy? That doesn’t make sense. Yet most of us can say that we probably are our own worst enemy! If we have the potential to be in a loving relationship with others, then we certainly have the ability and the birth right to be in absolute love with ourselves too. We can flip it around and be our own best friend instead of worst enemy.
I have always said and heard many others say, ‘you can’t love another until you love yourself’. But I don’t think I ever really understood what that meant. Thank you for prompting some more pondering in this area Nikki.
This is a really brilliant blog raising this awesome question, ‘what is a relationship with myself?’ this is hugely supportive to reflect and ponder. I have found that our relationship with ourselves and others is a forever deepening process, to understand what this means can hugely support us in our journey. On a physical level, self-care and self-love is hugely important but what goes on beyond the physical level where no one can see is, how we feel and think about ourselves. The more we appreciate who we are and with the support of self-love and self-care we can deepen our relationship with ourselves in a way that is beyond anything physical but be a solid foundation of our quality in our every expression.
When we sit with our true selves, we sit with God, The Universe and Us All. We are never alone yet we wander lonely when we do not take our own hand within our own.
Beautiful, Liane. Accepting that we are a spark of God brings great joy in connecting to ourselves and our bodies.
Beautiful words Liane. It is a wonder we spend so little time truly sitting with ourselves when this is the truth of the matter.
Hello Nikki and while it’s great you are so honest, “I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself? I was a little shocked when I realised it was a big fat “NO”.” For me there are different levels to this relationship and relationships. For me it’s no longer a ‘no I haven’t or didn’t’ but more I appreciate that it was there but now my awareness has grown and I can see there is much more. There will be many moments when what you have done is at odds with how you feel now and in that moment it’s important not to throw it all out and think you need to start again. Appreciate the feeling you have and equally appreciate where you were before and then step. If you keep throwing everything out you will find you have nothing to stand on and after all everything starts somewhere, no matter how small there is always something to appreciate. Nobody is perfect and in fact it’s an impossible thought.
I can relate to this Ray in that even though if I am honest I have to say that in some ways I do not devote the same level of dedication and understanding to myself as I do to others, however there are many moments to appreciate when I have committed to me, connected to me, the essence of who I am, and it feels delicious being me, so easy and effortless in fact. And the number of these moments is definitely growing by the day.
Thank you Niiki, I too have often felt a little bemused as to what the phrase meant and so your article has brought another level of understanding and appreciation. Building a relationship with ourselves means being honest with ourselves first and foremost and not beating ourselves up when we make mistakes. The more I have achieved this for myself, the more I can see the consequences unfold in my relationship with others. Slowly, slowly the critical green goblin that lived inside me is shrinking, the criticism getting weaker, the ideals dwindling as my love gets bigger and stronger and all inspired by Serge Benhayon, a man who constantly deepens in his mastery of the art and science of Relationship, which is shared so openly in his work.
I love this sharing Nikki, on a subject that is fast becoming my favourite topic. When we let go of the need to just get things done and give ourselves the space to just be with ourselves, it’s such a delicious feeling, you wonder, why would you ever want to leave you at all.
So true Julie – driven by need to get things done leaves our selves behind forever trying to catch up.
Very relatable and well written Nikki, this is me to a T. I can see that I put relationships around me higher in value to the relationship with myself, so very inspired today to commit more deeply to myself.
Committing to ourselves is deeply important and is the foundation needed to bring our True quality to all that we do and bring.
It’s great to feel the little things that we wouldn’t do or impose on another yet may slip in to our own choices with out the commitment to be absolutely aware of our every movement. In the past I may have tried or at least thought it – wanting someone to move and hurry up in my time and way. These days I catch myself affirming that if they need a little more time or space on the road, checkout or bank then that is perfect for us all. But do I still push my legs to carry me from A to B with out a total connection to doing the movement and have a relationship with me and the process or do I dis-connect from me to get to the ‘end’ to find the most important ingredient my relationship with ‘me’ has to re-connected to be present and have a full relationship with.
It is amazing how easily we can disregard ourselves, putting something off till later or even putting ourselves down when we would never do this if it was for another. This is a great thing to expose so that we can then consciously choose to honour and deepen our relationship with us too. Our commitment to life, to people and to ourselves has to be equal across the board.
I’m feeling now inside my body that the only way to not be dependend on the ‘outside world’ / ‘others’ is when I’m connected to me. Because whenever I’m not connected to me, I’m actually missing myself and try to find me outside of myself. What a superb intelligence. I love Universal Laws. There’s so much to learn and it’s more and more a pleasure:-). Breaking through the pattern of perfectionism.
Nicki, you’re breaking a taboo for me. As if I’ve always had a secret relationship with me. As if I have to hide the relationship with me. But the consequences are rather painful. Missing out on the beauty, playfulness, joy, delicateness, tenderness, lightness, divinity and so much more. I can feel that since reading this blog and making choices that belong to the relationship with me, that I’m developing the relationship with me. God, I’m gorgeous and so are you and everybody else:-)!
I’m discovering that as I work on my relationship with myself, I am actually working on my relationship with God.
Nikki this is a great reminder to me of how there is nothing greater than my relationship with me. I often put it last or somewhere in the middle. This is the foundation I will take with me into today.
What a great blog Nickki, and just what I needed to read this morning! Our relationship with ourself is not just about self care, it is about being intimate with ourselves, being honest and truthful and honouring of our every awareness and appreciative of our divine qualities. I am inspired to jump on your band wagon and deepen my relationship with myself too, thank you.
They way of putting oneself first usually does not mean to apply love to oneself first and foremost, we are much more familiar with putting ourselves first when it is about protecting us and keeping our state of comfort undisturbed. It needs an 180-degree turnaround of our inner posture and attitude towards self and life.
Well said Alex, what some may think is putting self first is based on fear & comfort. Truly putting self first is knowing, honoring and trusting yourself by sticking to the truth without compromises.
This is true Alex, the commitment and responsibility is turning inwards – only there, can true movement arise.
“It needs an 180-degree turnaround of our inner posture and attitude towards self and life”.
“I work on my relationships with others: I work on my reactions to them, how I speak to them, how I am with them, even how I touch them. But do I do the same to myself?” What a great question to ask. Made me sit up and look at that area of my life. We are so conditioned to put ourselves last and then forget about it.
It’s true that we can comfortably look at the way we treat, care for and talk to others, but completely avoid assessing the quality of these in terms of how we are with ourselves. When was the last time we observed the conversations we have in our head and made the decision to be more honest, loving and supportive in this inner dialogue rather than critical?
I notice I do this with my ‘to do’ list. If something is needed to be done for me it slips into the not important this can wait pile, whereas if it needs to be done for a client it shoots straight to the top of the pile. What would it look like if I reversed the process and put me and my life at the top of the pile? Or if I simply trusted in what was needed next and truly honoured that?
It’s quite interesting to think that we make take good care of ourselves physically and meanwhile literally ‘consume’ the poisonous thoughts that are designed to continuously bring us down.
Great blog Nikki, thank you. There is nobody else that we are with 24/7 in the way we are with ourselves so to have a great relationship with ourself makes so much sense.
I have found that we mistreat those that are closest to us with an abusive manner that we would never use with a stranger, partners included and of course myself!
Developing a loving self-care routine is a great foundation to start with but for me working on appreciation has been key to unlocking a deeper relationship with myself and I too am shocked by how easily I allow myself to put everything else ahead of this. Thank for sharing your commitment to getting ‘the joy of being with me all day long’.
Thanks for sharing this Nikki. It made me realise the extent to which I have put the needs of others ahead of my own and this was due largely to the ideal and beliefs I grew up with, that made me feel selfish if I was to consider my own needs ahead of someone elses. I have found that from being more loving and honouring of myself there has been a deepening of the relationship with self as well as with those I am close to.
It is such a common trip up that we think we are being selfish when we care for ourselves and put ourselves first. Putting ourselves first is actually the most loving thing we can do for anyone and everyone.
Investing in our own relationship makes complete sense, because it makes all our other relationships stronger when we have a much more solid foundation of our own, and we are not so easily rocked when things go wrong.
An excellent question Nikki and one that is very much worth exploring. In other words, Know thyself. ‘Socrates says, as he did in Phaedrus, that people make themselves appear ridiculous when they are trying to know obscure things before they know themselves.’
I love that Tamara. So simple and so true.
What makes me the most amazing person that I may want to be around all the time is first and foremost the quality of my relationship with myself. Your blog has opened this possibility up for me in a new way Nikki and I truly appreciate you for that. Thank you again!
Great blog, thank you Nikki. This is something I have been reminding myself about recently too. It is too easy to get stuck in a phase of our unfolding relationship with ourselves and to ignore little things that get in the way of us feeling the absolute love that we are all of the time. These so called little things take us off on another route and have us lost in the world out there again with very little regard for ourselves. It is extraordinary how we want to escape this awareness sometimes or we want to react to it. Being totally present in and for ourselves is something we can so support each other in….and when there is just me? Can I be that support? It is presently requiring a deeper level of commitment. dedication and devotion.
Your blog is amazing because it has also given me a light bulb moment and brought clarity to what it means to work on my relationship with myself – it means that I make the same commitment and effort towards me as I do with others – that looking after and working on me is as important as being there and working on my relationship with other people. I am with me all of the time, and I am worth spending that time with.
We do take ourselves around with us 24/7…there is no break! What you share makes so much sense. “Would I give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest?” …Like you I have put developing the relationship with myself last on the line, but in the building of an appreciative relationship with myself I can feel how much can change.
Time on my own can often be full of anxiety. With no one around to chat to or interact with I find myself focusing on things to do rather than simply allowing myself to be. If I have completed lots of stuff I feel good, if I haven’t, I don’t feel so good. I can see how my self worth is still tied up with being busy and getting things done. Its great to observe this and your blog is a wonderful reminder of the importance of being kinder to myself.
I can relate to this too. I’m very good at being busy and when I have a pause moment I often don’t sit with me, I’m off in my head being busy with what is next. But if another person treated me that way I probably wouldn’t want to hang around them much, yet I do it to myself all the time. Plus, I miss out on me when I do this. Slowly and gently I’m noticing this more and more and making a choice to be with me.
It’s fascinating how the relationship we have with ourselves is often bottom of the list, or sometimes it doesn’t even make the list, it’s part of our personal commitment to evolution and part of our responsibility to the rest of the world. Whenever I remind myself of that it’s right back at the top of the list 🙂
The way we are with ourselves is naturally the way we are with others. If we are not tender or honest with ourselves how can we be this with others?
Nikki it took me a while to ‘get’ what it meant to have a relationship with myself. Of course I have always had one, but never really took note of how I treated me. Relationships were what happened with other people. Over the years since attending Universal Medicine workshops I have looked more closely at how I am with me and was shocked at how badly I treated myself. One hurdle was that I first had to feel that I was worth it, but I am glad to say this has now changed. I am worth the bother, and this self-relationship is the most important one as I get to spend 24/7 with me.
Nikki a great blog that has got me to consider deeper what i mean by my relationship with myself as well. For example I felt recently that with all the work that I am doing I am missing out the connection with divinity that I could allow by deepening my relationship with myself. Learning to move from that relationship with myself first, it is very timely to read your blog and consider in a deeper way the development of my relationship with myself.
Great blog Nikki – thankyou. “I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself. Which, if you think about it, is absolutely crazy as I’m with me 24/7. I don’t get a break from me.” Crazy as you say and I can echo this. I may ‘do’ all the right things – eating well, exercising correctly etc, but if there is no deep connection with myself then their quality is nil.
I remember when self-care was brought up, and I had always thought that was something women did because the phrase was a foreign thing to me! I now know and practice self-care daily. I have always cared about others and slowly appreciating them more and more with the exception of the most important person in the world… Me. The relationship I am developing with my-self is growing and going to be a true love story, it already feels amazing and growing daily.
Its true Steve that is the unspoken message I got also, that self-care is for the women and it does not apply to men because we are about function and nothing else. This attitude has not served men well as the health statistics show.
Thanks, Nikki. I similarly feel like I am starting a new relationship – one where I am attentive and connected to my body and how I feel first and foremost in my day. As you say, this does not mean that I am making it ‘all about me’, but rather it is consistently moving with a loving quality that then gets taken out into everything I do and to everyone I meet. Thanks to the Universal Medicine teachings I too was aware of the importance of truly honouring myself and my body, but am now beginning to live it and it feels amazing.
‘ I am not above others’ but absolutely can hold myself alongside others with the same care, love and attention – this is an amazing shift that has taken, and continues to take, place as I break the pattern of putting myself at the bottom of the pile or superficially on top.
Wow what a great realisation and understanding Nicki and I can so relate to this as ignoring my body and not listening to it whilst working on this with others offers such a reflection of our own relationship with ourselves. Thank you for sharing this so simply and the appreciation and joy of being with oneself that is so lovely to truly allow ourselves to relish from our own connection is beautiful and so confirming of all we are. This comes from the love built in our bodies first and what opens up this connection is all the little things and details in caring for ourselves lovingly.
Wow I can so relate Nikki, you have totally inspired me to deepen and develop more of a relationship with myself. I can be so cruel to myself sometimes and that helps absolutely no one.
Building a relationship with ourselves is key to everything in life, without this we don’t embrace life in full and appreciate all the magical moments it offers..
You make a good point here Nikki, we do make a lot of effort with our relationships at home and work but do we give the same consideration to ourselves, and where on the list of priority are we. It never hurts to sit down from time to time, as you have done to re-evaluate what our relationship is with ourselves. Thank you for the reminder.
Nikki, this is a great point, ‘I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself. ‘ I can feel how I am very aware of how I speak with others; how I touch people; express appreciation and I work on this, but with myself am I applying this same dedication? – great question, to some point but I can feel how I can still be critical rather than understanding about what I may have said and I am more supportive of others than myself – thanks for bringing this awareness Nikki.
The title is great question and the answer(s) lie so well I feel with your questions Nikki of, “But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?”
Nikki, your sharing inspires to ponder on the fact how I am with others and how I am with myself. Especially the question you raise, would I put myself under stress or pressure and put what needs to be done over the quality and love I am able to do it with. This is a challenge being a housewife and mother, working and being engaged in volunteer work., but it is fun to observe this and learn to detach from any results , pictures and imaginations.
Thank you for asking the question Nikki. We can talk to ourselves about self-care and self-love but do we act on our words to the deepest level? When we truly connect and commit to living as a Son of God we will know who we truly are and appreciate that we have a responsibility in having a relationship with ourselves equal to all.
It’s beautiful how the simplest of moments give us the space to reflect, question and appreciate.
I’ve been asking myself, why? Why do I not put the same effort into my relationship with myself? Maybe it’s because in so doing I get to feel how much I’ve been missing out on, I get to feel the hurt from acknowledging that I have chosen to appreciate other things in life, but not the beautiful, exquisite being that I am.
Wow, seems like a pretty straight forward question, but, there is much squirming taking place as I answer, with love that, NO, I do not put the same amount of effort or commitment into my relationship with myself as I do to my relationships with everyone else. Which is pretty short sighted as my relationship with me underpins all my relationships with everyone else. Awesome sharing, Nikki, thank you for the nudge 🙂
There is an element in me and I suppose in most of us that hesitates or even resists to give oneself so much value and attention, a lack of self-worth and appreciation, the judgement of being selfish or self-centered, possibly even shame or guilt. This is very revealing of the lack of love we hold for ourselves and honestly, where do we think does the love come from we deem having for others when it is not inside us first?!
How easily we prioritise ‘life’ ahead of our connection to ourselves and deepening our self-love…for some, we may be avoiding self-love altogether. The potential of turning our attention inward and developing a relationship with who we are (our essence) is forever present awaiting us to say ‘yes’ and the next ‘yes’ and the next…
Thanks Nikki, this is a great post and really helpful.
Great Blog Nikki. I am right into deepening my relationship with myself as when we get down to it we are the only person that we know for sure exists as everyone else comes in and out of our sphere. We are the constant.
Wow great questions Nikki! I’ve been realising this for myself this week… looking at how I am with myself when something comes up… to how I am with someone else. It’s been very interesting, how I would support another more than I do with myself. Appreciation of myself and what I do choose that is loving has been like a stepping stone to see more of where I can deepen my relationship with myself.
It has taken a while, but I have finally learnt that to begin to build a relationship with myself I firstly need to clearly understand what that actually means. As you say Nikki, we have these lines that we regularly speak, that sound great and can impress others, but often we have not even connected to what we are saying, and if that is the case, in your example what are our relationships with others built on? To begin to treat ourselves with a deep love and respect, the same as we would like from others, I feel is the first step to begin to touch on the truth of the relationship with ourselves; the first and foremost relationship of all, which everything else is then founded on.
I have been feeling something was a bit off lately. The way I work, the way I relate and communicate with others – there’s nothing obviously ‘wrong’, but I was left with a feeling that something was amiss, almost deceitful, and my body was starting to tell me how exhausted it was, and here it is, Nikki – your sharing has offered me that missing piece. I can see the deceit I was living in – trying to live out what I was not living in.
Our bodies and our relationship with ourselves is the biggest asset we have yet I know at times in my life I have given my house or my car more attention to detail and care than my body.
I caught myself the other day giving myself a really abusive putdown, it made me consider how someone else would have reacted if I had said it to them. It was so abusive and really shocked me how negative and uncaring I could be with my words towards myself. It is something to work on, that relationship with self, that willingness to really enjoy being me and not feeling any shame or disgust or anger with myself, total acceptance. Thanks Nikki for sharing your developing relationship with you, we for sure become better people to be in company when we build that relationship with self.
When we truly enjoy a relationship with ourselves, we can also truly enjoy the relationship others have with themselves. And we can then truly enjoy being with each other, no matter how different our choices in life may be.
I have noticed this pattern that comes in to take me away from myself, and that is taking on what is felt of another in sympathy, which then brings me down. Realizing this pattern is super important as it deepens the relationship I have with myself, as it does not make sense to be wanting to care for another as it is obviously not caring behavior I have with myself when I feel down. Usually in such an event, I would first and foremost deeply appreciate my body for its sensitivity and then allow all that is observed to be deeply felt and understood, then whatever is felt would not have to stick, and I can return to being my joyful self. I simply do not want to leave this loveliness I feel with me, it is too precious and when I carry this preciousness, I also see people change and show more of this preciousness too.
Love this Nikki. If we put our relationship with ourselves first it would be very easy to sense anything unloving or damaging towards ourselves and stop it in its tracks.Our relationship with self is so important as without it, the quality of our relationship with everything is lessened.
Bringing self -care is just one aspect of the level of commitment we can go to with a relationship with ourselves. Bringing laughter, no perfection and an opportunity to have an honest and open dialogue with ourselves is what then brings more quality and calls us to developing responsibility in how we are with others.
Great blog – highlights how we are so quick to judge ourselves and so slow to claim how great we are. I love the reminder that I am always in relationship with someone pretty gorgeous and fail to celebrate it every moment and that these moments come up in the stillness of what we consider the mundane happenings of our life such as folding the washing – absolutely priceless.
Over the years, and when it comes to self-relationship, i’ve developed solid understanding of who i am through observing others who reflect back to me certain traits or ideals and belief i can see and feel are also sitting with me too that create a tension … the exact same tension i’m able to feel in them. It is others, and my exchanges with people that so often prompt me to go deeper into myself to explore my hurts or what i’m hanging onto, and additionally they are also awesome opportunities in which to confirm too; i love it when i meet someone who has such zest, joy, and flair, their eyes beaming with shine!! I so appreciate them/their being, and what i’m continuing to remind myself is to really appreciate what i see about myself too ; )
‘Would I stay in emotional reaction when I know how much it hurts my body? ‘This is such an exposing question and one that caused my truthometer brakes to go on while I tried to pass my eyes over it. Just why is it we choose to stay in emotional reaction when we know the impact it has? Could it just be that we get something from identifying with the drama, that it feeds an already existing hurt that’s just been triggered and wants its fame for yet another 15 minutes?
I love this Nikki – ‘Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ An awesome question to ask, the more we deepen and honour the relationship with self the more that love and connection builds everywhere in our lives.
Gorgeous Nikki, and so true, the relationship with ourselves births all others, and the quality births our joy and enjoyment of the relationship…or otherwise. The quality of love then is staple.
‘But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ Wow Nikki, you’ve hit a nerve here as I avoid deepening my relationship with myself too. Thank you for the inspiration to commit to my relationship with me.
Serge Benhayon is a game changer. Never before meeting him and attending Universal Medicine presentations had I seen someone who actually has a relationship with themselves. Serge was the first and I observed this in the way that he moved – no rush and no roughness, his every move was smooth and he looked so confident with himself. We have been taught so much that who we are is linked to what we do and this could not be any further from the Truth.
This is a simple but profound observation, one that I will contemplate with my own life, do I ever put myself first?
When my relationship with myself became more loving and truly nurturing (and it is a continuous commitment to me) quite naturally I was more considerate, understanding, more loving and accepting of others also. Taking care of ourselves and developing our inner relationship is not a selfish choice but a way that encompasses each one as equal.
Self love could be seen to be a narcissistic tendency, and if self-love was the “end of the road” so to speak, then you could easily say that is the case. The truth, however, is that self-love is a necessary bridge to understanding true love. How can you express love if you do not know and live it innately from within first? Many years ago as a Foreman, I was quite harsh with my expectations upon my workers. Sure, I treated them fairly, but I expected that they should drive themselves to exhaustion the same way I did – because I know no differently either. Fast forward 10 years, and I have a completely different relationship with my workers because I have a deeper relationship with myself.
And so, the truth is that self love is key to understanding true love for all, and so it is not narcissistic so long as it is used as a bridge to a greater awareness, and not used as an indulgence to keep oneself introverted and disconnected from what is going on in the greater world.
Great point Adam, that self-love is the necessary bridge to understanding true love for all. whatever we do to ourselves, we do to others so we are either connecting with or disconnecting from humanity in what we choose for ourselves. I’m sure i’m not the first person to say that I have used forms of self-love and self-care to keep myself withdrawn from the world. But then was it ever truly self-love or self-care if it was in the energy of withdrawing?
Great point Adam, and I had to have a bridge before self-love. When I came to a point of self-love as presented by Serge Benhayon, I had to go through being at least gentle first. I now have a different understanding of the process of returning to love. So for me, it has been a road that I have just started on and in some areas of my life I am still learning to be gentle, where in others I am self-loving and loving to myself.
Such an interesting question to ponder, like you Nikki I have focused on self love and self care, but hadn’t given a relationship with me the same focus. I have noticed it brings the connection to my feelings and impulses to the fore, which is a deepening in honouring and trusting myself
Hello Nikki and I think it’s funny how this is all set up. How can you take care of others to any depth if you first don’t know that care yourself? So we hear that you need to take care of yourself first and the word that stands out is ‘first’. We think it’s somehow rude, not caring etc etc. How do you know what something is until you have an understanding of what it is for yourself? Then do we have just one understanding or should that understanding be an ongoing development? They only way I know how to care and to deepen that care for others is to first do it for myself and then I don’t have to ‘do’ anything it’s all just naturally apart of how I am with them. This all makes sense and seems like a more complete and true way to do things.
‘I am far more conscious of how I am in relationship with others, yet somewhere along the way I have lost sight of how I am with myself. Which, if you think about it, is absolutely crazy as I’m with me 24/7. I don’t get a break from me.’
Well said Nikki – we often don’t take notice of those who are closest to us – ourselves!
Thank you Nikki this is a great blog for many to truly ask themselves ‘what is my relationship with me’ and like you say – to many things I would not treat a loved one the way I sometimes treat myself. So it feels like a very relevant area to look at be honest about. We can always go deeper – in our movements, in how we see ourselves, in how much we appreciate ourselves. It’s a lovely thing to do – simply appreciate where we are at and see our value – which in return will allow us to appreciate others on a deeper level.
It is Amazing how dishonest we can be with ourselves saying we are ‘working on’ something like ‘working on’ our relationship with ourselves when really if we were truthful a lot of the time it’s skimming the surface ‘thinking’ we are doing this when in truth we are not!!!! Maybe I am just speaking for myself here .. where at times I have been great at saying what I am doing but not actually doing it! I have done this a lot but recently really appreciated a shift in my body that has been gradually happening and that my relationship with myself is deepening. I feel you are being a bit too harsh on yourself as would definietly consider self-love and self-care to be a pretty important aspect of building a relationship with ourselves ‘. I have fantastic self-care and self-love, which has developed and continues to develop in a beautiful way over the last few years.’ The beautifull thing is it is always going to be forever deepening and you have just felt the next layer to go to ✨
I could feel the power and truth of what you discovered here Nikki and has given me food for thought because I don’t think I am giving the same loving attention (and at times loving scrutiny) to my relationship with me as I do with others. And as you say, I am with me 24/7 so it’s a good idea!
A great question Nikki. We are with us 24/7 so it makes sense that we would want to have the best relationship possible with ourselves. This may sound like a crazy statement to some, but all those ‘beat up’ thoughts we all have about not doing something well, or looking a certain way or whatever it is, are all things that we wouldn’t say to someone else, and wouldn’t accept from another.
Beautifully honest and inspiring blog Nikki. In building a deeper more loving relationship with ourselves, living the joyfulness of who we are, we naturally reflect and bring this to others. So, by focusing on deepening our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with others will also naturally deepen. Amazing how it works, but how often do we do the opposite? I too am learning to deepen my relationship with myself because I know it ripples out and impacts on my relationship with others. This highlights to me that our choices not only affects us but everyone we meet and beyond.
Such a great sharing Nikki, we are with ourselves 24/7 yet how much of that time are we really with ourselves and making sure it is about being all of who we are all of the time. Life can become all to important with work, relationships and everything else and at the end of each day we ignore the fact that we are exhausted. I have changed this cycle a lot since being inspired by Serge Benhayon yet still I have a cut off point to how much of me I am prepared to commit to. Day by day learning and refining the self-love and self-care which is extraordinary to where I have come from to taking it to the next level of the quality in which I am choosing this to be done in. For it to be in connection to all of who I am or not.
Nikki – thank you! So profound and so simple: to embrace more truly, deeply and lovingly our relationship with ourselves. In fact while I’m typing I realise what the message in the dream was I had had last night. It is exactly this – to honour myself as completely as I would another and have this honouring reflecting to All equally. In other words it starts and completes with me, everything else is a reflection of how I’m truly living.
I have also heard people talk about a relationship with themselves but not known what it means, that’s why it’s a big fat zero. I understand from your blog that putting yourself first is not about treating yourself better, or greater than anyone else- you love everyone equally, you just build the love in relationship with yourself before others so then you have it to share. I love it Nikki, thank you.
It is through being our willingness to being honest that we can deepen our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. I have discovered that through my relationship with my body I can feel when I am being hard on myself, for not being myself, as opposed to when I allow the understanding that I consistently extend to others, as I too am learning and growing the same as we all are. I have found that being honest with myself has been the gateway to developing a deeply honoring, joyful and sacred relationship with my Soul. A deepening to a Divine magnificence that lights our every way.
This is something I have recently began to realise too – in doing so I have begun to understand just how much more the is to the connection within and the knowing of who I really am from here.
We are with ourselves 24/7, so it would make sense that the relationship with ourselves needs to come first, not because we are selfish or self centred but because every other relationship we have hinges on the strength of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Thank you for sharing your lightbulb moment. Genius, so simple and makes so much sense. I can’t expect my thoughts to magically change over night to be more loving, I actually need to work on them in the same way I would with anyone else.
Self-appreciation is an essential key in developing a loving relationship with our selves. As the more we appreciate who we are the more we choose to live in honor of all that we are.
For years I have wanted to wake up being happy to be who I am, and now through slowly building a loving relationship with myself, the loveliness of me is there when I wake.
It makes absolute sense that given we are with ourselves 24/7 why wouldn’t we give ourselves the utmost level of love, yet as you have shared Nikki this is quite often not the case.
Love it Nikki, great questions asked as our relationship with ourselves is everything. What you have presented is so simple, and makes so much sense yet we so often choose to put, value and care for ourselves after others. In doing so we are missing out on one of the greatest relationships on earth, which is in truth the foundation through which all our relationships can be shared with a deep quality of the loving presence of all the majesty that we are.
I love how you have talked about putting yourselves first but not above others. We are actually equally important to everyone else, but often we forget to value and appreciate ourselves or treat ourselves with as much respect! And this is pretty silly as you have exposed for us in the blog Nikki! Why is it that hard for us to put ourselves first? There seems to be such a conditioning, especially as women, to always put others first. But even beyond this conditioning, it seems like our relationship with self is more often than not, lacking! But it is essentially never too late to begin this relationship and to start putting ourselves first and equal in importance to everyone else. Thanks Nikki for this great reminder!
Powerful Nikki – because of the honesty you have and shared, where we all can learn from, we are not living here to pretend that all is fine and that we actually miss something within ourselves. As why would this be wrong? What is wrong with being honest if it exposes things in your life in that of another , if this is allowing us to be more connected and true to ourselves? We turned all things upside down , in the loss of our side , as we lost by not being honest and we still do. So being honest is the absolute blessing we can give ourselves – as this sets ourselves free from the imprisonment from the lies we have allowed to be our path to walk on and by. this is not our naturally way, and so exposing is , even though we had chosen it, is our only way.
‘But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ I am smiling from ear to ear of course I want to be with me and the joy of being with me, yet this is not what I am living at the moment so thank you for this honest blog and questions, as my body is waiting for me.
It has been great to read this again and be reminded of what I felt so clearly in my body. The priority of me slipped not even to the bottom of my list, but entirely off it! Which is interesting in itself and quite revealing. I would never disregard another in such a way so why did I do that to myself after such a clear revelation? Which leads me to pondering on the building blocks of my relationship with myself.
Thank you Nikki. I would also like to commit to myself more. This means staying in my rhythm and not compromising it for someone else. And like you shared, not being hard on myself for making mistakes or pushing to get things done, but enjoying being with me, my quality, as I do what I do.
Hear! Hear! Annie I could also work on all you have shared with me adding a dash of love in the mix!
Imagine if we regularly went on a date with ourselves. Imagine if we cherished our own compnay, held our hand metaphorically and were able to understand and wisely support ourselves as we shared, grew and unfolded. Then it makes sense, we could be this loving way with other people too. For that’s what is clear in what you present Nicki is that we can’t truly bring this care when we exclude and refuse give ourselves this room.
Absolutely brilliant Nikki. I was reminded of an realisation I had a while ago where I was very tenderly putting my towel away after showering and wondered ‘do I put this same care in how I am moving my body and touching myself?’ It often seems not possible to have a loving relationship with yourself as that is what you see all around, people giving themselves a hard time, it’s like ‘that’s normal’. But what if that is a lie and it is indeed very possible to live in a way that we enjoy being with ourselves as much, or even more, as we do with our favorite other persons in life.
Thank you for the simple words of clarity Nikki of what it is to have a relationship with yourself. This is something I am deepening and exploring daily. Sometimes it can be confronting to honestly look at my behaviours, but it can also be lovely to appreciate my qualities and who I am, and on the days that I am deeply connected to me there is nothing more lovely that enjoying my own company.
A very wise man suggested that I treat myself like I was my best friend. It was very revelatory to see how I was treating other people, compared to myself.
I use this suggestion often when I stop and check in to see where I am at. This simple exercise has been a huge support in learning to honor myself again. Thank you Serge Benhayon and all his family for supporting me in so many ways.
I once had someone share that they treated their bodies as an afterthought dragging it around never asking how it was or what it wanted and that they would never treat a guest like that, ignoring it and treating them badly so why do we treat our precious bodies like this? It sort of shows the ridiculousness of the way most of us live.
I love this article, Nikki, you have opened up a whole new opportunity to playfully, committedly, respectfully and ongoingly get to know and deeply love myself.
Phew! You ask the right questions to expose where exactly I have stopped to deepen the relationship with myself; there is quite a potential do be explored – beginning now.
I love these moments where I suddenly understand what something that I know to be true really means.
It is a great point Nikki, getting to know myself and understand myself with the depth and intimacy and commitment that I afford other parts of my life, actually sounds like a great idea.
What is a relationship with Myself? An interesting question to ask Nikki. I too used to be at the bottom of the pile preferring to focus on anything but myself. it was easier to be distracted by being too busy or by other peoples issues rather than look at my own issues that I had buried, ignored or felt uncomfortable with. I am learning it is much more loving to look at these things than leave them until they blow up and become even more of an issue than before. Being loving with myself has a knock on affect and supports me in being loving with everyone.
For me there are two separate issues to look at: to honour myself first, in terms of my evolutionary process, and to work on the relationship with myself in terms of treating myself as the divine being I am and appreciating myself as much as I can. Relationship with evolution, relationship with self.
Hi Nikki, I felt very teary as I read your blog because I often ‘give myself a hard time for saying something wrong or acting in the way that wasn’t the greatest’ and your words are reminding me to deepen my relationship with myself, to be more tender, less pushing, less critical, more appreciative and more loving. When I look at how far I have come, it is amazing compared with where I was, and there are still many more choices I can make, but choosing to beat myself up is an old, old pattern that is way outdated and there is no longer any need for it because its only service is to make me feel less and why would anybody ever want to do that? We are all amazing and it’s time we appreciated that fact.
This is a great question Nikki. We assume we know, but often scam the surface when looking at ourselves. I’ve observed an inconsistency in my relationship with self and others. It’s true, I take greater care of myself, but still have a tendency to support and care for others, more than myself. Deepening my relationship with myself is a constant as is revealing and releasing layers of protection that get in the way.
It’s so true. I know I focus on being committed to relationships and my job, but when it comes to my relationship with myself it seems to get lost somehow. As you say there is a certain level of self-love, but I get stuck at a certain level and do not commit to deepening this. A great reminder reading this today. Thank you Nikki.
It’s a great point you have made – that there is no end or plateau in the relationship we have with ourselves Nikki. Like a relationship with another, if we do not continue to deepen, to invest ourselves, to commit, it can become comfortable, like an arrangement, it becomes stale with time. This is hardly what we really want from our eternal partner- ourselves.
I had a little chuckle to myself when I came across your blog Nikki as I had a beautiful session with a practitioner this morning and guess what came up that I needed to give attention to and build on – my relationship with myself! Love how this just happens!
I have never even asked myself this questions, and in this moment find myself in the same boat as you.
Someone once shared with me about considering dating myself. Like putting the same level of care I would put into things when I first start dating someone, like when I have dinner do I set the table, prepare a lovely meal and sit down and enjoy it or do I just quickly grab something to eat. At first I reacted to it but the times that I have done it- it has felt very supportive and nurturing.
Until it is spoken, put into words.. ‘ a relationship with myself’…its only then it seems such an obvious or natural thing to do for ourselves, but then it can be a bit tricky as where and how to start, especially as we tend to focus on relationships with everything outside of ourselves first. A great blog Nikki
This is important. How do I plan my day to nurture myself? Do I push myself hard and then think of all the things I need to get done so that while I am resting I am really nagging myself? This awareness is something I can really work with. Nice blog Nikki, thank you.
Great points Nikki and much deeper than they might appear at first. We may think we are being with ourselves when we start taking much more care as you have described, but there is a whole other deeper level of connection. Of course we cannot truly be connected to others if we are not first in connection with ourselves.
Getting real is the core I have found to the connection. Often we can still have ideals and beliefs on what these connections should look like not realising that it can be the simplest of things. Letting go of the old ways and bringing more understanding that is so simple and effortless.
Yep. Totally agree with you Nikki, the relationship we have with ourselves is super important and is the cornerstone to all other relationships. I too have been feeling the neglect of this relationship and am now making changes to this. So far, I am really enjoying saying yes to spending more time with me and nurturing myself as I go about my day.
There is nothing more amazingly joyful then to nurture your connection and deeply care for yourself in how you feel in your body. Without this I am lost.
You are so right Rik, and for aeons we have all been lost, so it is now time to claim back what is rightfully ours… and be ourselves. I dip in and out but when I am connected it feels expansive and amazing and is a great marker for me to go deeper and commit further and develop that consistency so that I don’t remain lost too.
The more often I choose living with me during the days, the more I start too miss me when I’m not with me. In the past I could arrogantly put it aside as not important, yet more and more I can feel how important it is – which means how important I am – to be me. Not only for myself – which of course is superb and lovely, but also for the world around me as each moment that I am with me, I’m offering a reflection to others around me that they are also equally loving and adorable as I am.
Floris, I love how you claim your loveliness, you are an inspiration which I shall take into my day.
This is beautiful Nicky. I can relate to what you’re sharing in this gorgeous blog. Why do I choose and have chosen to not want to be with me all day long where I’m absolutely delicious and so much fun to be with… I can feel how there are parts that I love about myself, but also other parts that I don’t want. There’s too much ‘war’ going on inside, rather then accepting everything that is presented through my body in the knowing that I’m gorgeous and am still to learn a lot. Everyday again, which we is found in the word evolving. Constantly. Thank you Nicky for sharing your experiences.
Isn’t it the most bizarre thing not to have a relationship with ourselves when we actually can’t physically separate from ourselves. Yet the pull to always be doing something and have constant distraction is an indicator that it is not quite as simple as it sounds
What gets in the way of a healthy and deeply loving and caring relationship with self is hurt. Hurt we hold onto more closely than the love of ourselves at times it feels. There is never any issue or hurt, the only hurt that exists is from not living the fullness of who we truly are.
So great to be reminded of this Joshua, and we can never be reminded too much. I’m finding that to live who I truly am in the world takes commitment, tenderness and deep care amongst other things. all the tiny steps in between- all of the awkward, glitchy ones- are so needed and key.
Beautifully put Joshua. I feel the truth in your understanding has to come from having discovered the hurt of not living in the fullness of who you are and finding out what it is like to live with and from your fullness… I am on my way and it is a night and day different way to be and live.
It is so easy to put oneself into disregard when there are other things “to do”. We are so much more accessible to everyone else when our relationship with ourself is a sacred and precious one.
Relationships that we value we work on and in the context of a partner, girlfriend, sibling when something is felt to not be right we enquire and when they have gone a bit quiet we check in – I do not make this my way in my relationship with myself but realize I can make a commitment to this. A relationship with ourselves is great to ponder Nikki and to ask – do I check in when I’m quiet or follow-up with me when something doesn’t feel right? So important to ponder – thanks Nikki.
Great point Nikki, we are spending the most time with ourselves and have no option to change that but at the same time we are the person we avoid most. Since we cannot walk away from ourselves, we do it by checking out, day dreaming, thinking about something else, numbing through food, drink, harsh words, hard movements, etc. We have so many strategies to not be with ourselves without stopping even once considering the amazingness we are missing out on.
These strategies we have to avoid ourselves are so ingrained in the way we live. It has taken me quite a lost of honesty to realise that I do these things, why I do them and what effect it actually has.
Yes, Judith, so many ways to avoid ourselves! And so much we are missing out on because of this insidious tendency.
As I take more care with myself I am learning to be a really good friend to me, not a constantly abusive one and I am discovering that I am totally deserving of a loving 24/7 friend and that it is worth every effort to take care of the most important person in my life as this brings true care to every part of my life.
Dear Nikki,
Awesome sharing. It really knocks our body around any time we give ourselves a hard time for something we have said or done, and the real frustrating thing is that similar things continue to happen in our lives, so the cycle of self bashing continues. What we forget to deeply honour is just how aware we are that we know when we do this. To stay present, holding ourselves in the love and understanding that we know innately. I have noticed when I make love for me a definate priority in my life, that there is understanding as to why I just behaved how I did, and with this understanding subtle, but immense changes begin to manifest in my life. The beautiful thing about this is the old cycle no longer has the same relentless affect, because it has been stopped it in its tracks.
“I am willing to commit to others, commit to working on my relationship with them, how we are together and work through what comes up. But do I have this same level of commitment with myself?” When I asked myself myself this question I reacted feeling the truth that although I commit to my relationship with myself I do not have the same level of commitment to myself that I have to others. This is absolutely worth looking at and developing. Thank you for sharing Nikki.
I love this and will certainly be coming back to this blog Nikki, checking in with myself and asking the same questions you have shared here. I too am very good at the self-care on a physical level but there’s definitely a deepening and more loving relationship to claim with how I talk to myself and the quality of thoughts I let in. There’s a whole new depth of care being asked for. Lovely to feel.
Nikki, I love your honesty and willingness to look deeper at your self-awareness – you make such an important point about the difference of ticking the boxes with self care and yet at the same time missing the true connection with yourself. This is something I am forever developing myself and what has supported me is learning to accept and appreciate of all of me, also the parts that I don’t like to see about myself.
That questioning of would we treat others the way we treat ourselves becomes very stark when we stand there and take notice of what we do do to ourselves. Would I give others a hard time for making a mistake, constantly following them around and telling them how much they’ve stuffed up in that one moment that has now past? No I wouldn’t yet I have to myself. But the thing is what I am noticing is that what we do do to ourselves we relate to others in the same way, it may play out differently but underneath it all feels the same. So when I don’t like something someone is doing or how they are acting I ask myself if that is how I am equally relating to myself when doing something similar? And when someone is nasty to me I remind myself that they are doing that to themselves as well and it is not for me to then go onto the attack of that person because they too are hurt and my reaction just fans the flames so to speak/type. Building my relationship with me allows me to build my relationship with others and vice versa.
So true Leigh. I often give myself a hard time when I have made a mistake and this gets reflected back to me so clearly when someone else makes a mistake and how sometimes I can go into full blown reaction, and sometimes have such understanding, but when it is myself there is rarely ever any understanding which is in stark contrast to what I am capable of holding for others.
It’s a great point Leigh Matson, and it takes a lot of honesty to realize that being hard on yourself is not honest, it is abusive and loveless.
Yes, being hard on ourselves hurts us, hurts the body, hurts on a cellular level. Kindness and lovingness to ourselves go a long way in healing so many issues, and supports us in treating our selves with the true care and love we are meant to do it with. How could we otherwise be in truth kind and loving to another?
There truly is a responsibility that comes with having a relationship with ourselves that is honest and true before we consider what we can offer another. How often do we play the reaction or judgement games with others when deep down inside we know that this all stems from our own hurts and irresponsibility in bringing more clarity and depth to our relationship?
Great points that you raise here Nikki, looking at how we can deepen the relationship we have with ourselves equally to the deepening that we do with others. In order to go deeper in our self-relationship requires us to stop and feel if we are our own best friend.
It is such a good thing to start to become our own best friend, and when we move into that relationship with us it is easy to keep tabs on it to see how we are doing as we all know how we love and treat our best friend 🙂
Great question raised Donna Gianniotis. Are we our best friend first? How often are we searching for the best friend, soul mate the one that will complete us? Interesting that this is all about finding the answers outside our selves in order to full fill, enough or part of the whole. I have noticed the saying “she’s/he’s on her own” is often given to someone who is not in an intimate relationship and wondered how this is often depicted by others as not being enough or giving the impression that you are lonely or alone.
So true, we don’t get a break from ourselves, it is a 24/7 affair come rain, shine or hail. And thus it makes sense that we would make our relationship with ourselves a priority, but do we?
More of a reason to make the affair with ourselves an Awesome one ????????✨
Love that Vicky – yes awesome one, lets!
So true and we also have a 24/7 relationship with God! Rain, hail or shine.
‘But what if I am the most amazing person, and I want to be around me all of the time? Am I willing to work on my relationship with myself and commit to it so that I can get the joy of being with me all day long?’ I loved this Nikki – I laughed to myself about how obvious it is when I’m not the person someone would want to hang out with! Why would I not want to work on my relationship with myself? Why is this not a given? Thank you!
This is a great question you have posed here Nikki! I would say my relationship with myself would be at the bottom of the pile too at the present time. I also know that I am worth much more of my loving attention and understanding, than I give myself credit for. To commit to myself and know I truly deserve the time I need , to learn more about me , is so important. If I cant relate to me who can I truly relate to? Thank you Nikki.
I noticed this recently concerning cleaning my teeth, there are four of us in the family and although I can get up early and spend some time working, often when we are getting near the end of preparation in our day, I notice I am cleaning my teeth at the last minute. This brought a light bulb moment up for me….why is that last, why is it often a rush, why am I not prepared to give myself all the space I need to give my teeth and so the whole of me, some true care.
Hi John O Connell here from Ireland ,
Thank you Nikki for the sharing . Its a while back when I came up with a light bulb question for myself ” who is the most important person in your life ” It took me a while to answer it, that it was me personally, not in a narcissistic way , but in the way you have described and as inspired by Serge Benhayon and his family .
Yes, it makes us much less effective when we neglect ourselves.
So simple and absolutely gorgeous Nikki! Thanks for sharing your discovery whilst folding your washing! The more we ponder on such notions as these the more we uncover just how much deeper we can always go and the joy that comes from this is immeasurable, so beautiful!
Like you Nikki I talk about having a relationship with myself but I do not allow the relationship to deepen and grow. Words come easily but it is the commitment that I need to deepen as I know this will support me in surrendering to become more intimate – to truly know who I am to the very core.
Yes, the commitment to be consistently deepening the relationship. This isn’t and can never be a ‘tick the box’ exercise. It is constantly evolving and deepening because we are yet to fathom the depths we have moved away from knowing who we truly are.
It is an interesting question and experiment to do.. What if we put looking after ourselves on the TOP of our ‘piles’ or priority lists rather than at the bottom beneath everything else?
Great question and one I definitely are developing, I recently had time to myself with no family around and I loved being with me, I loved my company and it was a real appreciation at that moment that this is what I have invested in.