Fatherhood for me began 22 years ago at the age of 33. Our first child, a beauty-full daughter, was born at home on a Wednesday around 8:30pm. At the time I could feel that this was a divine moment, one that I would never have experienced without choosing to have children.
I clearly remember how completely hopeless I felt when the midwives and nurses left our house – I had never taken care of a baby before in my life. That night I had to change her nappy and I felt how fragile and helpless she was; and I felt my own uncertainty about what to do.
From that night on I also began to identify myself with my new role of ‘father’, but failed to feel what the true meaning of this was for me. Instead, I just did what I felt was expected of me to qualify as a ‘good father’. As our child grew up I tried to form and guide her to suit my ideals of what I felt I needed to make of her.
When I write it like that now I feel how arrogant it was of me, wanting to mould a child to my ideals and beliefs and not let them grow up in their true nature. Is this what we are actually doing when we parent, in contrast to providing a loving connection where a child will be met and seen for who they truly are?
An interesting set of questions now arises:
Where did these ideals and beliefs about being ‘a good father’ come from?
Is it possible they are provided by society (family and friends, school, TV, magazines, books, health professionals, etc), and that I chose to adopt them to be a ‘good father’? I was not consciously aware of the fact that I was using ideals and beliefs at all, let alone considering that they could have been ‘delivered’ to me.
What did I choose from the package of fatherhood ‘pictures’ which were presented to me?
Did I look for a certain type of fatherhood picture I was familiar with or did I select some on purpose, because they suited me the best, in order to not be confronted with the responsibility that comes with feeling and making my own choices?
Why was I looking for a fatherhood picture in the first place?
Could it be that I was looking for recognition and acceptance for being a good father, instead of trusting the love and wisdom within me to be my guide?
Given all of this, was it then possible that:
Everything in society is set up for me to doubt myself and ‘believe’ what I am told, instead of trusting what I know and feel deep inside?
Although I was not aware of it at the time, in my uncertainty of how to be a father I followed a fatherhood picture, taking on ideals and beliefs like…
- As the parent I have to mould my child to make them ‘valuable for society’. If I do not, the child will be lost to society.
- I will be the provider and carer for everything my children need; I will be always there for them.
- I am the parent, therefore superior to the child, the subordinate.
- I have to support them in all that they do, even if it is something I don’t agree with.
- My children are perfect; my children do not behave badly.
- They must have the same ambitions in life as I have.
- I will be the perfect father for my children, they will not want for anything and I will show that to the world.
- I have to be proud of them.
- My children have to listen to me because I am their father.
- I will have an “I know what is good for you” attitude, and so on.
But this makes me wonder:
If all these fatherhood ideals and beliefs are not me, because I have taken them on from outside of me, what then is the real me and the real father in me?
The answer for me has been to slowly unravel all my fatherhood pictures, to become aware of them and discard them, one by one. Through this discarding of what is not me I am becoming more true, more who I really am – which is much, much more than just being a ‘good father’!
This now reflects in my deepening connection with my children – a connection that is based on a true equalness, and a deep trust in myself and in what I feel.
I would like to thank Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, whose presentations have inspired me to become a truer father.
By Nico van Haastrecht, father of three, Warnsveld, the Netherlands
403 Comments
I have reacted soundly to society imposing on me what it thinks is true. I used to question it from everything that the doctor said to the food that was supposedly good for me but worse I reacted more to those that believed in it all. I lacked understanding and would feel very confused. I knew there was another way, an empowering way which Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presents that supports me to connect to that knowingness within which has always been there and is forever deepening and expanding. We all know what is true; we just need to simply let go of that which is not true.
Great sharing Caroline. When we are solid in what we know and feel we can observe the choices made by others without reacting to them.
All these packages and pictures of who to be, it seems like we walk around not knowing we are a sponge, taking on board all or some of what is around us. We don’t get taught that we take things on from our environment and yet this is exactly what we do. We take on the energy that is around us unless we are taught and supported to know that 1. This is happening and 2. How to not be a sponge. A quote I remember from Serge Benhayon is “Be like a fish in the sea and not get wet” – and it’s the teachings of Universal Medicine that allow us to learn to seal the holes and discover that whats inside us can lead life, rather than outside influences coming in and moving us.
Well, that’s pretty cool. And also a great example of it never being too late to come back to yourself.
It is so true… It really is never too late to actually turn within and reconnect… And until our last breath… That potential will always be there.
It is fascinating how we mould our children to take on the same ideals and beliefs we have accumulated over our lifetime, and then get bent out of shape when they do their own thing or act out of their own beliefs that clash with ours. We often see this as the generation gap, and the separation between the ages takes a hold but what I have come to discover is that there is no need for this gap or conflict to occur, as it is all based on our pictures of how we think life should be and what we want.
Thank you for sharing Nico , so lovely , its so important for parents to learn that they do not own ” their ” children.
Being run by ideals and beliefs stops us from connecting more deeply to what is needed; we go into solutions and fixing things rather than taking a moment and making it about love.
So true when we are caught in the doing of ideals and beliefs then we lose our ability to connect to what feels true in any situation.
After reading your blog Nico, I cannot but wonder how many of our ideals and beliefs shadow and haunt us in regard to us considering we are good enough according to those shadows expectations, and not the potential of who we are.
I am quite fascinated by the roles we take on as parents as I am finding they are a total abdication of the true responsibility we are given through the blessing of having a child to raise. Connection and love are all we will ever need, yet because we have less trust in that relationship and the power of the boundaries and learning that can come from that way of living we go to the doing and the roles as a form of control because it feels safer.
Nico, it is beautiful that you have come to this awareness of the impositions we as parent or carers for children can impose on them due to what we are carrying that is not true to who we are. Our job as adults is simply to get ourselves out of the way and allow the child to express what is innately in them to express so that they do not end up a mere puppet of the system we have fallen ‘victim’ to (by our own choosing). This does not mean that we raise anarchists, but more so support, nurture and allow children to express the truth of who they are so in turn our way of living can be restored to be an accurate reflection of this truth and this beauty.
It is not uncommon for parenting to take the form of guiding a child into the mould the parents expect the child to fit. It’s hideous and the expectation of a parent leave little room for a child to grow into who they truely are.
Every ideal or belief that exists in this world is absent of the one true thing that confirms us the most – love. As children, this is all we need first and foremost, to be confirmed for who we are in essence. This is what we all want, and failing to receive it is why we spend the rest of our lives in search for it through societies pale versions of what love is – recognition, acceptance, approval, attention. Love is our greatest guide, and our connection to love within ourselves first is what allows us to be confident in who we are, and to be with another in love. With this quality, we offer true role modelling to the world, to our children to our friend and family and all we are connected to as we offer a way of being that confirms who we all are. Thank you Nico for sharing this valuable revelation of the power of true love, and how our connection to our love is the greatest teacher for us all to learn to be who we are.
For me it was very healing to care for my father at the end of his life as we both let go of the father and daughter roles and connected on a deeper level. Thank you Nico for being so honest about your journey with this and I can feel how my father was constrained by the expectations he put on himself within his parenting role which caused many problems between us when I was growing up. We complicate it so much when all that is required is simply to connect to the other person and feel what is needed in that moment.
It’s great to expose the many ideals and beliefs we get caught up in when we become parents. I was certainly anxious about getting it ‘right’ whilst not being clear about what that looked like! Feeling that how my daughter was reflected on me I put pressure on us both to present a picture of how well we were coping especially as I became a single parent when my daughter was still a toddler. Allowing our children the gift of being themselves is so beautiful and from this I have learnt immeasurably more than when I was imposing my fear-based way that was so restrictive for both of us.
When we understand that fathering is an energy or vibration we express from our body we will realise that you don’t actually need children to be a father.
We need to talk about these ‘unsaid rules and ways’ more. There is far more passed onto us that we are often aware of. Far more than just in our education at school or at home per se. Often what is passed down are ways of being, which we see, feel, hear and witness another living like and think this is how life is to be lived and this is what is normal. As a son, growing up and seeing how my father raised me, there is so much now that I can say makes me reflect that I am living like my father! But this is simply because I am choosing to live the same choices he made when raising me.
Thank you Nico for a great sharing, I can say as a parent way back when my children were young it was mostly about control and obedience and the parent knows best, absolutely no honouring of the love that children are and the wisdom they bring with them, and definitely no equality, this was how parenting was when connected to our ideals and beliefs long ago of how we should be. So much to let go of in connecting to the truth of who we all are as divine sons of God at whatever age we are, treating all with honour, respect and equality.
A blog (or book) could be written on each point you’ve raised here Nico. To highlight just one: “My children have to listen to me because I am their father.”
How empowering it is for a child when they are not taught to ‘obey’ simply by virtue of their role in a family (or indeed any situation), but to honour what is true first and foremost, and develop and nurture their relationship with the truth that they know within in the process…
Phew, the control and dominion we have not only allowed, but fostered…
When we control, or at least try to control another human being – no matter their age, we dis-empower them. Our role is to raise aware independent adults, if we try to control everything they do say and think then we take away their ability to be discerning and therefore they are left at the mercy of being caught in the influence of what is around them.
What a great unravelling Nico, and something to honour deeply. We are steeped in such expectations in the roles we play in families – mother, father, daughter, son, husband, wife… often at the detriment of what could be a relationship of true potential, where each has the opportunity to learn and grow, inspired without reservation from the other, and yes, actually holding the other as equal and seeing him or her in their own true light (not as our own ‘product’ if you will).
And so, the breaking down what has held us back from the true love possible between us is essential, that we may extend our knowing of all that relationships can be way beyond our families, into our work relationships, societally and more. The exploration of that which hasn’t worked is essential in this dismantling and unravelling, as you say Nico… Thank-you so much for sharing here.
Indeed Victoria, there is a lot to dismantle in relationships as I shared in above blog in respect with my relationship with my children as an example. In choosing to be not aware of the false beliefs and ideals behind our intentions we continue to build up that what we now or anytime have to dismantle in order to be able to live once again that what already lives within each and every one of us. A divinity that is so much more than we ever could have dreamt of, so what is holding us from this dismantling while the outcome will give us amazing loving and simple lives.
Perhaps true parenting includes allowing our very young children to teach us how to live with love and joy in all we do.
I can agree on that Mary, we are asked by our children to start living in a different way, as from their birth they are an emanation of love, nothing more but also nothing less, only love and that is what they bring with them and abundantly share with us all the time. It is up to us as a parent to surrender to this offering and submit ourselves to another way of living, based on the commonly shared love we all come from and constantly are connected to and our children do remind us of.
This is a deeply toching blog Nico, as I have experienced this transformation to fatherhood without ideals from close up as your son. It is beautiful what kind of relationships grow from this release of pictures, a relationship that is honest and without perfection where we learn to evolve together in the life we have chosen to live together learning each other so much.
It is so great you chose to share your experience Nico. I feel this ‘not knowing’ or fear of failure is very common with men, who compare themselves unfavourably to women and think that they somehow lack a parenting gene. Today it is clearer than ever to me that we are all born natural masters, mentors, mothers and fathers, and it’s only the things that have told us we are ‘dumb’ that we let get in the way. With an open heart and willingness to be truthful we have all we need.
Parenting is so much more than what I thought it was when I became a father in this life. As I have described above, there where many ideals and beliefs that at that moment of time formed me in being with my children and in fact kept both my children and myself lesser in our expression. I do now understand that there is a relationship to be built in which we can prosper and evolve instead of to form one another to a certain image, that in fact, although everything from the outside would look ‘good’ and ‘nice’, is not prosperous and evolving at all.
We have so many beliefs and ideas about parenting so it is great to read something about parenting that is supportive and can assist with the mistruths that we have taken on regarding parenting.
Hey Nico, great article. Already three years old and I just found it. Very true that we live from pictures, beliefs and ideals when it comes to being a father, One of them is that a father is only a father to his own ” flesh and blood’ . That is also an illusion, can I say, not being father of ‘ flesh and blood’ to any child, but feeling a true father more and more to many children that are not physically mine.
When and why did we ever started to think we know more than our children. Every child comes with his or her own innate wisdom and can teach us as much (or more) as we can teach them.
‘The answer for me has been to slowly unravel all my fatherhood pictures, to become aware of them and discard them, one by one. ‘ I love this for it is true of any role we take on that is made up of these pictures and we can do this unravelling slowly but surely till they are all gone, for if we stay with it they will be for sure.
Wow, those ideals and beliefs feel really draining to take on, how great you saw through them and discarded them and so allowed the true you to be present.
This is an interesting reflection of how we also “father”, “mother” and attempt to control ourselves – often running our lives on ideals and beliefs instead of allowing ourselves to connect to our all-knowing source and live from that wisdom. We cannot bring to others what we have not given to ourselves.
We take on so many ideals, beliefs and pictures from society of how to be ‘a good parent’, which can then be discarded as we trust our own wisdom and feelings. “Through this discarding of what is not me I am becoming more true, more who I really am – which is much, much more than just being a ‘good father’! Beautiful Nico.
Parenting is learning that we learn from each other and that we all have an equal part to play within the family.
The deepening connection you now share with your children having consciously unravelled the pictures you held of fatherhood, is a beautiful confirmation that they are not true nor needed to be a father.
‘Everything in society is set up for me to doubt myself and ‘believe’ what I am told, instead of trusting what I know and feel deep inside?’ So true Nico, I can relate to what you share here, the biggest key for me has been to develop the relationship with myself first and deeply appreciate who I am and then all my relationships naturally have a different quality – a more true and loving connection.
Thank you Nico and being a father is no different to any other relationship. The more you deepen the relationship with how you are feeling the more other ‘things’ no longer seem to fit. So as with any relationship how things are feeling to you needs to be constantly adjusted and refined as things are always changing. How are the children doing, how are your relationships around you, how are you feeling, are the same things coming up again and again. We put ‘parenting’ and ‘fatherhood’ at the front of many things and I am not saying they’re not important but how we are in those is the most important thing, the quality we are bringing all of the time. I love being a father, not from what it gives me or what I give it but because of what the relationship allows me to see, what it reflects to me all of the time. I just need to be ready to look and listen.
A brilliant article, exposing head-on the fact that the prevailing images and pictures we hold about parenting in fact serve to create self-doubt and not-good-enough in us, when in fact all we need to do is trust our own inner knowing of what to do and how to be. Just be ourselves and let our children be themselves. Love what you say about equalness too, because those pictures are steeped in role supremacy and positional power – a tried and tested recipe in how to suppress the natural joy and expression of a growing mini-adult.
There are SO many concepts that we have taken on about parenting…. And its no wonder really … I mean , how can we really parent someone if we don’t know ourselves… we can’t help but just pass on belief systems.
“Did I look for a certain type of fatherhood picture I was familiar with or did I select some on purpose, because they suited me the best, in order to not be confronted with the responsibility that comes with feeling and making my own choices?” Great question Nico! The same can be asked of mothers, daughters, brother, sisters, sons, friends, lovers, husbands, wives, colleagues, artists, doctors, housewives, shop assistants…every role we take on . They all come with a picture, and image attached, one that we have chosen from those on offer from society as a whole. As you have brilliantly exposed, we chose the bits of the picture that we feel most comfortable with, that don’t rock our boat, which means we can claim we are just ‘doing what needs to be done’, when our irresponsibility (which not rocking the boat is because in that we choose not to speak up when it’s needed) is called into question.
Parenthood comes with so many beliefs and ideal and what that looks like. There is nowhere in the unwritten manual that asks us to hold this new life and support it to unfold in a nest that is made of love and equality. I would not have known what this meant when I had my children and I went into learned behavior’s modeled on the way I was raised. This is a great read for those finding their way and are open to feeling what is true.
Reading this today really brought up some past ideals and beliefs that I had around motherhood. Self doubt was huge as I ventured into being a mother. I sat for a while with your question Nico “Where did these ideals and beliefs of being a ‘good father’ come from”? As with motherhood to do the so called ‘right thing’ feels now very imposing and not listening or overruling that inner wisdom that flows so naturally when around babies/young children feels now like the very cause of my huge self-doubt and anxiousness that took over a lot of the time.
It is indeed no surprise that we become anxious and doubtful if we are not connected with ourselves. And as you say Marion, we do know from that inner wisdom when we are around babies and young children exactly how we have to be but we have never been told that fact. The opposite happens, we are told from many angles what we should or not should do. But thanks to Serge Benhayon I have become aware of this fact, as he was the one that told me this, I do now know that I have a choice to either connect to my inner heart that gives me strength and self-confidence, or to listen to the outer images, that in truth only make me doubtful and anxious instead.
Awesome blog Nico, I have young children too and as a mothers I can recognise that these roles, ideals and beliefs you’ve listed are not dissimilar to the ones I held in relation to parenting. I am also learning to let them go and parent from being deeply connected to myself first and what is then needed will naturally present itself. I am inspired to parent from my natural delicate and loving way and not from outside influences but trusting what I feel is true.
Awesome Chan, we are so beautiful when we allow ourselves just to be in everything that we are and anything that we do, not influenced by images or pictures provided to us, but completely with ourselves. Parenting from there is a complete new dimension and allows our children to be themselves as well connected to the source of love and with that they will become aware of the fact that there is a responsibility to living a human life and that is to maintain and grow this inner connection and quality for as long as you live.
I can feel that the fragility and vulnerability that you felt after the midwife left was also a reflection of how as men we generally do not live this enough ourselves. I have felt the same around babies in the past too and it feels like an invitation to go deeper and embrace more of that in our livingness
Thank you for this observations Joshua, and you are spot on. Babies do invite us to be more of ourselves and part of that is to be vulnerable and fragile, which is not a commonly accepted and imaged quality of a man, of which the more accepted quality is to be rough and tough instead. But this does not take away the fact that we men are equally tender, vulnerable and fragile to women and the image of being rough and tough is now exposed to me as being a false one as actually I do not feel anything of that in me, not one ounce of it.
I keep coming back to your blog Nico, every time I do it seems to reveal more of the roles, images and perceptions I hold towards fatherhood and towards being a man. You are absolutely correct in saying that these perceptions are unconsciously imposed on us and even the mention of these words brings up all sorts of connotations and ideals we hold around them.
Great comment Joshua, beautiful sharing of your experience around babies. It is very beautiful to observe how most women and men are able to naturally be tender, gentle, fragile, vulnerable and delicate when handling babies especially when they allow themselves to feel that they are the same too. I have also witnessed some people become very nervous around babies, it seems they become awkward or afraid to touch or hold them, which was interesting to observe. I agree babies certainly invite us to be delicate, fragile and vulnerable, and for some people this may be a bit confronting so they tend to avoid this incredible connection.