When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.
I grew up with a ‘wise dad’; he was pretty handy and could fix most things. He had a deep perception about life and was always there to offer advice. He’s not perfect of course, he has his own insecurities, blind spots and quirky character traits like the rest of us, but his love and dedication to his children is unquestioned.
As I the wise and dedicated dad, I,
- took up the role of breadwinner
- was there if something needed to be fixed around the house
- was on the committee of the kids’ primary school
- was dropping them off to various activities
- would tell them made up stories at bed time
- was happy to share little ‘factoids’ about life and give them advice.
But in truth, I was missing the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…
You see, being the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ means that to be useful I had to have something to do, something to fix, some advice to give. This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.
My need to be the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ actually meant that I was not being ME with my sons, which is what they really want and enjoy (well, daggy Dad jokes aside).
The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.
These are the times:
- when we sit around the dinner table and just chat about our days
- when I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons are becoming
- I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.
As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something.
As I see these feelings in them, I see and feel the same feelings within me from my own childhood and what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them. Of course as I look deeper, I see what my Dad’s father was like and I can get the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.
What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.
The process of undoing the harm that was caused by growing up with and becoming a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ is still ongoing and I have to dodge the part of me that still wants to make it about ‘doing’ stuff to fix it, rather than just being me with my dad or my kids, regardless of what we do.
Inspired by the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
By Joel Levin, Western Australia
This is a really interesting conversation to be having with everyone as why is it we avoid being just who we are warm hearted, gorgeous people? Why have we promulgated such a society built on false ideals and beliefs which we have accepted over the natural beauty that we could so easily be?
Life sets us up and we swallow the illusion, that is until we are wise enough to let go of these harmful beliefs and instead follow the inner heart.
Everyday I appreciate my dad more and more and everyday the love grows stronger even though he is no longer on this plane of life he is so very much with me.
I carried a grudge against my Dad for years, never truly appreciating all that he brought, now however this has completely changed I love him more than ever and dealing with my own hurts has enabled me to see him for the absolute star he is.
Anonymous I haven’t quite let go of the grudge against my father but I can understand that we are the product of our upbringing and so he probably had a tough time too as we are all very sensitive when we are born into the world around us and this gets crushed generation after generation. I detest the way we are brought up and then raise our own children because the crushing process just repeats itself and nothing seemingly changes. But there is a wind of change there is another way to live so at last it really does feel as though there is a different choice we can make. We don’t have to crush our sensitivity or that of our children.
So true Joel, we almost have to throw out the baby and the bath water as our ideals and believes around raising a family is so indoctrinated in creating a division from our way of giving and never simply being a Livingness from our essences.
We and others miss out when our focus is on what we can do. I know I have lived for the longest time and still today (however decreasing) not appreciating what my presence without doing anything can bring. Just being ourselves is amazing in how much care and connection can be felt and others do pick up on it.
Leigh Matson what you say is true most of us are caught up in the ‘doing’ its a treadmill that keeps us locked away from just allowing ourselves to be and knowing that is enough. This is something I’m working on myself.
When we drop the dedication and the ‘doing’ we can feel the deeper wisdom and love of just being who we are.
Taking care for another doesn’t mean to ‘do things’ for them, but being present, available, taking care for ourselves first to be ready to share this connection with others. Then, our care is not imposing or an opportunity of escaping from ourselves, but a true, intimate and nourishing encounter full of love.
Amparo Lorente Chafer I agree what we all crave is to be truly met for all the delicate beauty that we are, if we can learn to truly love ourselves then we can pass this on to all others as it is such a precious gift to allow true love to flow between us.
It has been such a relief to let go of the need to fix anything for my daughter and just enjoy spending time together as her pregnancy progresses and I feel much freer to allow my future grandchild to just be without imposing my wisdom or solutions on them.
When we have any kind of need or picture of who or what we think we need to be, it disconnects us from the possibility of deeper relationships – with ourselves and others. It’s the honesty in accepting and embracing 100% where we’re at right now, that helps us deepen and connect more – instead of trying to leap ahead to where we’re not.
It is a set up that wants to take us away from who we truly are, make it about what we do, and know, rather than just being ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and bringing that to everything we do.
When we choose to just be we allow relationships to unfold without preconceptions about where they are headed.
Being ourselves is enough, it keeps life simple, ‘The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.’
It is sad when we are not available to others and that only happens because we are firstly not available to ourselves and that is devastating. There is nothing more gorgeous than truly meeting ourselves and thereby everyone else 🙂
We don’t have to look very far to see where our parents have bought into their pictures of what it means to be a parent, and if we look closely enough we will see the same traits and behaviours in ourselves. Having an understanding of how our parents were parented goes a long way to help us to come to terms with the way we were parented.
Maybe at a certain point we don’t consider “just being me” is an option because we don’t realise that we are not being ourselves having identified all sorts of behaviours as you have described as being who we are whereas who we truly are is awesome on a whole other level.
By ‘just being ourselves’ we literally bring the qualities of Heaven into life. It is not a diminished state by any stretch of the imagination but rather a state of absolute expansion.
Beautiful. I come to observe how much we are depending ourselves on our skills instead of our beingness. Where what we actually miss at the end is connection (to this beingness inside). So? What a gorgeous blog sharing exactly where we have been falling for – skills, and where we have not given our value to who we are (beingness). That is our power.
I love reading your blog again Joel, it is a beautiful reminder that the best form of parenting is to be ourselves, to be open to connecting, listening and offer our steadiness to our children. There is not that much we have to do or fix as life and parenting can be so simple when we allow ourselves to be ourselves.
Great point.. how and why do we hide behind responsibility of roles to avoid being ourselves and truly connecting with others? So often we ‘think’ we need to be a certain way for others, yet all they really want us to be is ourselves – without that, there is no real connection of any substance, and things stay very surface (and pretty boring).
Rejecting ourself is rejecting God. So that’s a pretty big hole to try to fill. No wonder we’re so exhausted and deep down know this will never work. Connect back to who we truly are and we can’t help but realise that we have all the majesty of the stars, wisdom of the moon and all of that comes by us simply being – there’s nothing we need to do.
My dad used to pander to me by trying to be the best dad he could instead of just being his tender and adorable self. I liked the pandering in many ways but can see it in no way supported me to grow up to be the true man I naturally am. It set me up with hurts and issues and if I had not known any wiser and dealt with many of them as I have, I probably would have just repeated the same pandering my father did to me to my own kids.
The same can be said about being mum…to many moments can be taken in the doing instead of the appreciation of just being.
Yes, I can fall into this role very easily and sometimes get very caught up in it. But when I get myself out of this state and allow myself to appreciate and simply be myself, my whole house feels more harmonious, everything flows and I can feel a deeper connection in my family.
The more I am a dad that is just being me the greater dad I am, it can be hard to appreciate that the most important thing we can be for our kids is ourself, this shows them they are already everything.
The greatest gift we can give to our kids, ourselves and everyone else is to be our true selves.
I like the “just being me” Dad, sounds much more intimate and lovely to be around.
I agree Elizabeth, it is so amazing to be around anyone who is willing to be themselves, it invites us to connect to ourselves too if we are not quite there. They also feel so much more open to connecting, they feel more intimate and loving, and none imposing to be around.
This can be said of any role- when we go into a role it is like we cut ourselves off from others a bit, like they get the face of that role but not us. I am currently reflecting on where I do this in my life and how I can let go of it.
“I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.”
Well thats the way the world is set up, but its so Awesome, that you have broken the cycle and now your sons have greater support in doing the same how cool is that, thank you for sharing.
Joel – knowing you now i would not put the ‘dad’ label on you – you are free of this and your writing really exposes how as parents we can get lost in mum and dad rather than just being who we are. At the end of the day what inspires our kids most is how we are and the reflection we give them. To show them we have given our power away to being a parent is not responsible.
Dedication is definitely important, but what I loved most as a kid (and even now) were the moments when my parents we just natural, wise, amazing and authentically themselves. There’s literally nothing in the world that can replace those moments of intimate connection. And your comment about daggy Dad jokes made me smile – perhaps they are so painful for kids because they know we’re trying to be something we are not and they can see straight through it.
Just being me cuts through the crap and opens our heart, so that we let everyone in including our family. With an open heart the reflection of love that everyone gets is profound.
Wow, this is what I have fallen for too Joel but as a mother role. As I was reading your blog, I could hear myself say, ‘oh yes, I do that, and yes I do this too’. The most supportive, loving and simple thing I can do is to be myself 24/7. This for some reason isn’t so easy but I am sure the more I practice the easier it will be because it is effortless to be myself, I just have to stop fighting what feels natural.
There is so much more love to feel, more love that we are met with when we be ourselves with each other. This is the greatest gift and marker we can offer our children, of just how freeing, beautiful, powerful, natural and fun (I am sure there are plenty more words…) is it being who we are. For our innate wisdom is already a given, accessible through connecting to our love within, who we are.
Not playing a role and being ourselves is the greatest role model they need.
Yes, spot on Vanessa. This is exactly what we all would love to see, people around us being themselves.
Joel, it is wise, as you did, to look around see how your family are in their movements, and their eyes, and not just blame them for their own choices but support the space by bringing all that you want first to yourself inspiring the potential change in them.
It’s amazing how these roles are like jackets or heavy coats we place on ourselves, the pockets full of all the expectations and covered in badges of the many things we need to be to be able to fulfil the role, but is it possible just being ourselves is all we need.
“..’wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.” Lovely Joel, is it not amazing the lengths men will go to prevent or cover up the possibility of just being themselves.
I love this sharing Joel as it made e stop and consider how I am at work and in my relationships. I realise that I don’t often allow myself to be, I often keep a part of me away and carry out a role that keeps a bit of distance there.
Recently my struggle at work has become trying to keep distance between me and my colleagues so that i don’t freak them out. I feel so much fondness and at times love for them all that if I were to simply allow myself to be how I naturally feel to be then I would freak most of them out and be reported for inappropriate behaviour. And although love is our natural way, because it hasn’t been our natural living way for such a long time, we are suspicious of it when it is shown. I herald the day that we are all the living expression of the love that we naturally are.
Joel your father energy is adorable, simply put we need more of this strong, adaptable, loving but firm energy in our world.
What kids really want is quality time with the truth of their father and the truth of their mother . Nothing more than that is required.
We can get so caught up in the roles, pressures and expectations of society that we can all too often forget that the most important thing we can ever do in all that we do is simply be ourselves.
‘What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.’ This set up is what the whole of our society is built on. To begin with love, love for ourselves and work out from there is the opposite of what we are led to believe is the way to be. No wonder it is taking a long time to undo the mess we are in.
There is a playfull-ness that comes in when we stop making being a father or a parent about being a provider or being wise. To be ourselves and let our children see that it is safe to be that in the world is a great gift and should be role modeled as our normal.
Knowing that we can just be ourselves in parenting takes off all the usual pressures of supposedly getting it right. We are only human and we are allowed to make mistakes but I feel if we are being true to ourselves we are bound to make far less.
When we simply allow ourselves to be we are not imposing on others and we hold the space for them to simply be too. This is the greatest gift we can offer all and it requires no money or job to done, just the space to surrender to our bodies connection and how we then connect with all from there. Simply awesome thank you Joel.
It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be something – beautiful, wise, intelligent – you name it there’s so many things we can aspire to be, but what I’ve noticed is that if we just be who we are and quit the trying we are actually NATURALLY all these things.
“The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.” It just show Joel the less we try and the more we allow our natural wisdom to come through that this is what people respond to most, When we try there is a push to be more than we are and this is felt, because we are no longer coming from our natural way of being
It is interesting that our perception of being wise is one that supposedly comes from sharing attained knowledge or having all the answers. Yet as you have shared, so greatly, being wise is a quality we all have access to, through being connected to who we are. This is the greatest and most empowering gift we can share with our children, reflecting a way of being that confirms that truth of who they are, and the absolute joy it is to live in connection to this inner-truth as we live our lives. We have a long way to go to break down this perception and bring true parenting and role modelling to our children, but it is inspiring to feel how this is exactly what you have done and how it is possible to for us all to embrace this also.
I love the warm embrace that the two people in the above photo are having. The level of connection is deep and very enriching. Just goes to show the level of tenderness that men can naturally have.
This is such a great sharing Joel – the unravelling of patterns of behaviour that we may well have believed to be ‘it’, and realise are not.
My how we hide behind, and justify, the roles we do in life – in avoidance of revealing and being all that we are, with all of those we come in contact with, whether family, friend, colleague, or someone you encounter on the street…
Parenting indeed entails responsibilities, yet there are none greater than offering the opportunity for our children to know us in full.
There is nothing more wise, responsible and loving than being yourself in full.
Nailed to a ‘T’ with absolute simplicity Nicola Lessing.
Speaking to my father, now I am older, I can see how he was virtually crippled by all the things and tasks he thought he needed to do. As a kid all I wanted was a hug and a loving kind word, but in my Dad’s head there were a million things he thought he needed to do. Not having kids I thought I was unaffected by this, and living my life my own way. But today I can understand in the strongest sense that I am constantly striving to be the good partner, the good employee. Not only is this needless as you show Joel but it totally gets in the way of the quality we are here to show. Now I get more than ever that we are the father of our own life, and can always give ourselves that hug and permission to be Love.
Goodness, I feel what you share here is something we all do, male or female with our children. It certainly gives space to consider a different way when you illustrate the harm it does.
Thank you Joel. I can relate to the misinterpretation of responsibility into performing the role of wife, mother, daughter etc and the simplicity of learning to being me. This is reflected back as I get older and our adult children are enjoying just being who they are without the duty of the dedicated sons needing to fix things for us.
“What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” I feel this is similar for everyone it is so easy to get caught into what we do and know, rather than the love within.
This blog exposes how the ‘fatherly’ role are often tarnished by what has been passed onto by others or religion or cultural expectations. Even the movies portrays what a father should be like when all is required is to simply be you – a beautiful sharing and much to ponder on for us all.
What a trap ‘doing’ is when we use it as a form of identification, in the world in which we live doing is it, it is the motor that runs the world, stepping out of that way of doing takes time as the body is so used to that momentum. To open up to the truth that what we do is not who we truly are is hugely life changing. Thank you Joel for sharing that our being -ness is where we are to be found.
‘As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something..’ – Joel this is very humbling and honest and what a gif that you have come to this awareness in yourself and can see how you don’t need to be a parent who has an agenda in everything. Thank you for bringing to my attention the game of ‘telling, teaching or showing’ kids something – and how we can so easily get caught up in this, but where is the love.
There’s so much truth in this blog, the moment we try to be anything, or do anything we are actually further away from the truth of who we are, like if I try and be a strong and amazing women, I may be a strong and amazing woman but I don’t realise that by trying to be it or by what I do, but by my surrender inwards to allow what is naturally there out.
Great what you share Meg, as soon as we go into the doing and trying we are so far away from our true essence. Like you say the simplicity is to come back to ourselves, surrender inwards and allow the inner essence, love, strength, power to flow out.
It is interesting that as men, we use the false sense of responsibility that we attach to the role of being a dad in order to avoid transparency and true connection of the tenderness and fragility within ourselves. If only men truly understood the blessing this would be for all others around them.
there are so many role models that we can calibrate ourselves against in our lives… wouldn’t it be so much simpler if we just knew ourselves and who we truly are
Joel, what a gift you are for your sons. I’m sure they will grow up to be amazing fathers themselves due to your loving influence and care.
I often say to my children that the best thing is to just be themselves. Taking that one step further, if I do that myself, my words will have even more meaning.
I don’t have children and it is very inspirational to read the blogs and the comments from those that do and are sharing their experiences. Thank you, Joel!
There’s literally no greater gift a parent can give their children than being themselves, ultimately that gives the child free permission to know who they are and be themselves too – anything else is an imposition that effects the child and their development in the world.
Such sage advice for all fathers: “the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…”. A reminder that fatherhood is not all about doing, trying to fix things and being everything to everyone, but taking the time to simply be, and share that be-ingness with the children. What a wonderful example of lived wisdom this will be for boys to them to take with them as they grow into men and have children of their own.
You can really see the pictures we hold, the ‘shoulds’ and the family patterns around parenting, all point towards the things we ‘do’ as parents rather than all that we bring when we are ‘just being me’
Its interesting that when you let go of those pictures and roles the truth can come through. The truth is you are actually very wise and also a father but the learning is that how you are with this no longer needs to come from an identification.
“When I became a father, I felt being a wise and dedicated dad was the best type of father to be for my sons. I didn’t consider just being me was an option.” A great opening line Joel. Why would we want to be anything but ourselves – unless we have been conditioned to think otherwise?
There are many ways we believe we have to behave. Thank you for your sharing Joel.
The easiest way to avoid love is by constantly giving love to everyone else. Then you can live in the illusion that you are being loving, even though your own being is void of its true impulse. True love is an emanation, not something that can be sent. So yes, it can be expressed, and of course felt by another. But such is the nature of true love, that whilst it allows itself to be felt, neither does it impose on another so that they are asked to accept it. They are in truth left untouched, and free to align or not according to their own will. Thus why “sending or giving love” is in truth an imposition, and not truly loving at all. For when one is given love, they are of course forced to feel like they are being asked to return it, to give it back, obliged in some way to respond.
And Joel it’s never to late to start being ourselves around our kids and everyone for that matter, it is literally life changing to allow others to express what they need to, when they are ready. I feel in there own time is the moment they choose to feel and recognise and grow, anything we suggest can impose, confuse and possibly cause resistance.
It is very wise to be yourself.
Hello Joel and I had an experience the other day with one of my children in the street. They hurt themselves and there was a strong urge to talk to them about it but I didn’t go there instead I just held them while they cried and gently rubbed their back. Then I whispered, ‘just breathe when you can, just breathe’. Soon enough the crying stopped and we all moved on. What I saw from this is at times as a man, a father or a person we think we need to sort something out, tell someone something or make it better but what I learned is that you just need to hold the space and allow others to do what they need to do. The quality you hold that space in creates time for them to choose what they want to do, they are free to choose. I have found with children particularly they will choose to come closer in these moments and this is what happened to me. I love being a father and it has nothing to do with what I can do but more the blessing it is to be around other people. They maybe smaller physically but no less enjoyable.
This is beautiful. I can often see somebody being hurt and they just need to feel held and taken care of and talking can happen afterwards.
Parenthood is rife with our ideas of what we should be doing. One of mine was around cooking and having to prepare a meal every night regardless of how late I had worked or if I was feeling tired or not. My children are all grown up now, and often it’s just me and my husband that sit to eat together in the evenings. I have only recently released myself from that feeling of obligation to cook. Often we are not that hungry, or a light snack will suffice.
I agree this is a great message for our children – we are everything before we do anything – no need to take on a role, just need to be ourselves. Love it Joel
A very wise and beautiful blog Joel; how gorgeous for your boys (and you) that they experience, live with and love you just being you.
What a great message for kids… “ Yes I’m already perfect in just being me “ … feels like a great song …☺
Thank you Joel. It is a temptation as a parent to get caught up in the ‘doing’ and lose sight of just ‘being’ who we are to such an extent that we do not know for ourselves who we truly are.
It is a beautiful and powerful awareness to come to when you realise that the dedication and wisdom you have comes from the love you develop with yourself first. Expressed outwardly this then embraces others naturally… just from being yourself.
Having recently attended a number of Father’s Day functions I was amazed at how this day has us geared into playing the role of the day even down to the choices of gifts that are exchanged by children to parents of all generations. The opportunity for the realness of relationships has been shared in this blog and reminding us that we can bring more understanding and connect with one another daily without the need to focus on the roles of specific genders.
There are so many expectations based on the roles we play as parents. What are the right and wrong things to do, be and model for our children? Thanks Joel Levin for getting real about just being yourself and allowing what needs to come through with our leaning made with no judgement and perfection but a realness for all to see.
I can so relate to your blog Joel. I too have realised the quality of how we are with ourselves reflects on the quality of how we are with others, like with our children, partner, friends etc. So being ourselves as much as possible supports a true connection, we can then learn and grow from each other’s reflection. I have found being physically present with someone without true connection doesn’t support us to evolve but can often create issues and misunderstanding. Working on truly being present and connect with everyone we meet and live with is key to living a joyful and loving life.
Children know and feel what is true and what is not- we delude ourselves into thinking we can impress them by being someone different. I love what you have shared Joel. There are messages for us all here, I feel.
Being a parent or not, the truth is that until we live from the connection we hold with the vast wisdom of the universe that is within us, we fumble along in the ‘doingness’ looking for outcomes set by traditions and ideals. We innately know that this way is not it and yet we keep repeating these patterns of behaviour. Awesome that you have connected to this truth and shared it with me Joel!
Joel thank you for sharing so openly, so many parents get caught in the doing for their children they forget to be their true self. You shared very clearly how most fathers get caught in the fixing, teaching and showing stuff that they forget to just be themselves and therefore struggle to relate to the children. Children pick up on these emotions.
Beautiful Joel, I can feel the ideal of being a great dad and that this is linked to ‘doing stuff’, fixing things and being the breadwinner rather than men simply being their tender, precious selves with their children. As a mum I can feel how it is easy to go into this ‘dad will fix it’ mentality and want my partner to take on this role of always ‘doing’ and ‘providing’, great to be aware of this.
Just thinking about being a wise and dedicated dad, when I read the words, brought a tension to my body and I knew straight away that the message that Joel was offering was true. There is no role we can take on to prepare ourselves as a parent, which will not create a barrier to children to receive the love that they can naturally receive when we just be ourselves.
Imagine parents who are wise because of the connection they’ve built with themselves, and who are totally dedicated to living a true and loving life – this has got to be the way forward!
I agree Joel – the greatest gift you can give someone is to just be you.
Thank you Joel, whilst reading this I reflected upon my childhood and how I always wanted to know who my mum truly was beyond the role she played. Children love it when we can just be ourselves with them without the focus on what needs to be done as this line so beautifully reminds us ‘The times I am beginning to appreciate the most – and I notice my two sons respond to the most – are the times when I’m not trying to be the wise and dedicated dad, but just being me.’
I love what you have shared here Joel, and it reminds me of the saying that we are human beings not human doings. And so it is, that we should take the time to appreciate who we are rather than focus only on appreciating what we do!
As children and indeed as adults we long for people to be real, genuine and loving with us. Mostly we don’t remember things like how much money our parents give us as children but we do remember how much of their essence they shared with us.
By the way Joel the name of the blog could be a title for a song, if you’re interested……
It’s great to return to this blog and read it again Joel. I may have highlighted this part already but, “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” I have found “the love we have for ourselves” is an ever changing or deepening one. There was a part of me that would sit on a place I had found. It wasn’t just appreciation but a comfort in seeing what you thought was a perfect picture and that all you needed to do was repeat the same. The love we have for ourselves always calls for refinement, not to be perfect but to continually see how things feel and be flexible in how that love looks and plays out. More and more it’s just a simple dedication to what you are feeling and the expression of that, regardless of the situation and who stands in front of you. This isn’t impersonal but actually an intimacy in being totally open to allow yourself and anyone else ‘see’ you. Thank you Joel.
Great blog. Thank you Joel and of course this is true of any role we take on whether it be the dedicated and loyal friend or responsible and reliable older sister, wise uncle trusty colleague … there are so many computations and yet if the true me isn’t shining through and expressing in full then we are all missing out.
This is a wonderful blog Joel for men and women alike. Our children do only want the real Mum or Dad for this also allows them to be real too.
How simple but profound the point you have made Joel, just being ourselves in every interaction and relationship.
This is a great understanding in all facets of life for men as well as specifically in parenting – if as men as well as dads, we define ourselves by being good at fixing things, then we are always looking for something to fix and passing on to our children an outlook toward life that is impossible to satisfy and ultimately can only bring misery and bitterness. Thank you Joel for sharing a total responsible and joyful way to raise children and make life about.
It is amazing how often we manufacture issues to fulfil our need to be in charge, wise etc rather than being ok with everyone being wise and knowing. We create such a tangled web whilst we live life from the outside in.
There are so many roles we go into in most aspects of our lives that means we are never being ourselves, such a shame and serious waste of our time and others as we all miss out on the gorgeous naturally divine person we all are.
This is a really beautiful blog, Joel. It is so true that all our children really want – and all we wanted when we were kids – is for parents to just be themselves. Being a role model is not about playing out a role but just about being willing to show all of who you are, imperfections and mistakes and all.
One of the best lessons I’ve learned so far is that I’m not ‘fooling’ anyone by playing out a role or putting on an act, whether consciously or not. Children can see who we really are, and so can we all see the truth in each other, no matter how old we are. That truth is not to be hidden or shied away from, for who we truly are is more beautiful than any role we can possibly try to play.
Love your explanation about how your picture of needing to be a wise and dedicated dad led you to seeking out problems to solve for your kids. That amounts to manufacturing issues to bring our wisdom to, but purely so that our needs can be met. All this when all that needs to be done is nothing but simply being ourselves.
It’s easy to get totally lost in all the expectations and ideals society tries to place on us to be a great partner, parent, friend, worker … and this pressure can make us literally feel like we have to divide our energy up when we attend to these various roles according to what is seemingly more important at the time. For example it’s now the weekend, so after a week at work which took absolute priority and preoccupied my time, I can now become a father again. Living with this mentality totally unbalances us. Why not simply see ourselves as complete but imperfect beings who can be fully who we are in all that we do no matter what we are doing.
So true Joel- there is nothing a child wants more than for someone to be with them. The point you make about as a man feeling that you needed to impart wisdom or teach your sons something I think is a big thing in a lot of father/son relationships. That the man needs to have the answers and lead- whereas for the boy there is no greater joy than just hanging out with his father, being heard by his father and being enjoyed by his father without feeling any dynamic or pressure by just the joy of the connection.
I’m still learning to dodge the pattern of trying to ‘do’ things for my daughters (all now well into adulthood) in preference to just ‘being’ OK with ‘being’ with them. I have to laugh to myself actually as it was only on the weekend that I had my daughter over for dinner and we were laughing at my attempt to keep things simple as it was just about connecting and getting together and yet I’d manage to prepare and cook over 7 individual elements for dinner (!) all on the premise that I would keep the meal simple. Thank goodness I have them as constant reminders to remind me it’s about ‘being’ with them, not how much I ‘do’ for them!
Just recently I have been remembering what it was like to grow up with my Dad. He was always working on a project or DIY or actually out at his job every day. When I see it now, I can feel is how all I truly wanted was to sit down and laugh with him, hug and have fun, simply being his son. So beautiful then to read your words today Joel and know it is never too late to embrace ourselves and the magic that comes from simply being open and having fun.
It was a bit of an ouch moment reading this blog – simply because I could identity with wanting to be a mum who had to bring something to my children or do something for them. It’s only an ouch because I now realise that this is an ideal that I bought into, and that I now have awareness that the most important thing – whether it’s in the relationship with my daughters, or with anyone else – is simply to be ‘me’ first, before I begin to attempt to ‘do’ anything else. Wise words here Joel – thank you.
I feel we have all fallen for this. Needing to be a certain way to fulfill a role and so not really being present as ourselves. There are people in my life that I dread seeing because they constantly give me advice instead of just being with me. I feel this means they set themselves above me as knowing better and there is no equalness in this. I know I have done this too at times so I need to be aware of this role playing and stop it. There is nothing better than being me.
I suddenly realised reading this blog about the times I have not been true in parenting. Keeping up the appearance of some sort of super dad and that I can’t be hurt physically or by words and so having a protection up not showing the real vulnerability and sensitivity that is the real me. Who am I trying to kid anyway, kids can feel this a mile away.
It does so simplify life and brings about a more playful/fun element if we just keep ‘being’ all that we are as ‘trying’ just gets too busy and complicates relationships. I love what you share here Joel as I feel this would apply to many parents (many relationships) that we can so easily use ‘responsibility to avoid just being ourselves’. A beautiful sharing Joel – thank you.
Joel – you have really hit the spot for me as I have reached the realisation that I am still playing the chameleon role and behaving differently around my family, friends, work colleagues and clients etc – all depending on what role I think is needed at the time. All the while there is ‘me’ hidden underneath the role playing and this is who people want to meet/be around. Thank you – you have given me plenty to ponder on.
As I read this blog, I could feel the different quality of presence you brought to each way of being with your sons Joel. When reading the parts that talked about just being ‘all of you’, my own body just went into stillness, warmth and love and it was beautiful to feel. This reflection has reminded me that in all my own relationships, that is all that is required of me – to just be me.
If there is a school for learning how to not react, to learn about reaction in general it is the School of Parenting Teenagers… the ultimate bootcamp of learning !
Gorgeous to feel true parenting in what you are sharing, Joel. Not doing but being is the hardest thing for a parent. We are fixated on outcomes but our children just want our presence.
It is crazy how dads get caught up in being the dedicated dad and forget to be themselves. I have seen many fathers amongst my friends and family who are so committed to being a dedicated dad, running around doing everything for their children and forget to take time out for themselves. More recently, I have noticed that these men are exhausted, going through heart conditions and other illnesses, because for most of their lives they have just been doing for others and nothing for themselves.
Thank you Joel for a great blog, i can relate to some of what you have written in the doing. I have been there for my children in the helping and advice mode, but not being with them with just me and just hanging out as you say. As I connect to more of me and appreciate being me this I can share with others, and just hang out so to speak, and not have to be always doing.
No doubt about that doing behaviour, identifying with what we can do for loved ones rather than being ourselves. I get the sense though that there was certainly a blend of both where the love can come very powerfully through the doing and I recall with young children how that tenderness and playfulness in being together was still there and how important it is now to remember and celebrate that and not go into regret.
Joel, this is so lovely to read – brought tears to my eyes – “just being me” is what we all long for. What a setup indeed that we keep on looking everywhere else but here for the very thing that helps us connect to ourselves and others.
It is so very true Gill that the many roles that we have played are simply not us, but for some reason we have taken on the belief that they are. Letting go of the roles, the masks, the shields etc has been a steady work in progress, but I know that my children and grandchildren are finally getting to experience the real me – and I’m loving the real me as well.
its great to read that I am not the only one with DDJ syndrome ( Dagy Dad Jokes) I love humour at home though… it breaks through so much
I just loved your article Joel, I can so relate to being there to fix whatever needs fixing or giving advice and feeling this is my duty, and this was the way to show love as a mother. I am gradually leaving that way of being behind, and I am starting to find that I have a me to share, that is beautiful and loving and that does not need to be attached to any doing to be worth while.
Beautiful Joel. How indeed society falls for ideals and beliefs – this idea fathers have to be fixing or doing things; providing. Almost an incredible sense of unbearable burden and pressure and responsibility to fix everything. When all children wish for is for Dad to be just him. ” … the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” Beautiful Joel for the world to have an opportunity to share in your true wisdom.
It seems to me the wise and dedicated dad is a role that people go into like an ideal rather than what comes naturally.
I agree Berine, it is something we aspire to, modelled from movie, TV and our parents, with some harmful consequences all round.
What a great read, Joel. My sons have shared with me at times about how I was with me when they were young-they remember the feelings they had which is very powerful. I was a paid working mum and so was not always physically or consciously present with them- not being consciously present was the biggie for them. I was caught up in the doing not realising then how this would impact on them and me at a later date. I am making other more loving choices now and my boys get to feel me!
It seems that life has become all about the ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’ – what we do rather than how we are, who we truly are. In the doing there is a push and a certain way things ‘have’ to be done, and in this there is a trying and little/no connection to anyone…it is the trying that puts people off. Children especially know when adults are pretending and when they are naturally themselves. When we are being ourselves there is an ease, a natural rhythm and flow to life. Like you say Joel, your sons enjoy you when you are yourself and just hanging out together – no trying, just being.
Paula, as you say, “When we are being ourselves there is an ease, a natural rhythm and flow to life.” Some of the most precious times I remember with my children was when we were just hanging out together. I didn’t need to be their mum or try to do anything, we could just be together having fun, enjoying the activities we were sharing. This was a marked contrast to days when I felt the burden of so much to do and it would seem as if the kids were in the way and my lack of connection with myself and with them would bring a disharmony which would cause them to misbehave. Yet as soon as I was with myself again everything would settle and start to flow again.
Although this is primarily about your role as a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ Joel, I can see how we all play this role out in many areas of our lives – it is just a matter of replacing the word ‘dad’ with ‘mum’, ‘friend’ etc. All roles that take us away from just being who we naturally are.
How beautiful that you are willing to break the chain, the ‘lineage’, and to reflect to your sons that just being them is all that is required, that they are enough. What an amazing gift and start of a new lineage.
Good point Carmin, the ‘lineage’ can hold us back if we believe in the set of beliefs and ideals that get passed down from one generation to another and it takes awareness and love to see the patterns that we are perpetuating and be able to break them. For example, lack of self worth may be passed down from the maternal forebears but when one woman becomes aware of it and says No, it supports following generations to put a stop to it. This shows the responsibility we all have for we are role models for our sons and daughters and indeed everyone we come in contact with.
I can related to what you share here Joel. Offering wisdom with solutions and sharing our knowledge is not it, what people want is you, all of you, not advice and solutions.
What a truly wise and amazing dad you now are if you have come to realise that true fatherhood comes from you allowing yourself to be who you are and express the love and wisdom from that connection. It seems many parents do what they are expected to by society or previous generations without considering that so much is lost and even harm done when this is not the lived way.
Joel your honesty here is so beautiful and inspiring. This has brought a deeper level of understanding about my relationship with my father. There has always been a lot of love but I now can feel how this ‘needing to be a good father’ ideal has limited the depth of love that was actually and naturally there to be shared. That the moments that I lovingly remember and cherish are the moments that we just simply had fun together, when we were silly together and when I saw him cry (this was only once or twice) all when he was just being his beautiful gorgeous loving self with us. As you say – ‘What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.’ Thank you for sharing how there in another way where men can be themselves first and be amazing, inspiring and loving fathers to their children.
Thanks Carola to adding your experience to this blog, it is interesting that so many of us have had this experience, yet as a society we seem unable to shift it.
Its been my experience that children just want to spend quality time with their dad in order to connect with them – just being themselves.
there really is no rulebook, or true guidebook on how to parent teenagers… The only way to make it through so to speak, is to, as Joel says, start to really do yourself, to be honest, vulnerable, not speak from a podium, and to really, really listen, and also to know yourself enough so that you can know what is true, what is not, and to be able to express that without emotion or judgement.
Thank you Joel, for me the blog was very moving as i have a great relationship with my Dad we are close but there is something missing and that is a true connection. He is also great and doing and not so great at allowing and just being him.
I feel the hurts he carries from his childhood and i too carry some of these, but when i see him now i like to just sit and talk with him, no advise, no fixing just talking and connecting.
Thank you for writing this as it brings up in me that what i am doing now is healing for us both and i will continue.
Your personal development as a father is very inspiring Joel – from just playing a role “father” with all the beliefs and ideas and then to become YOU and from there to meet your sons as equal brothers. I love it.
So true Joel. And who was it that wrote these rules of parenting? I too adopted the role of being a dedicated mother always looking to see what needed fixing – in and for others. Since being inspired by Serge Benhayon to learn to just be me, accept and appreciate myself for who I truly am has been a revelation in my relationship with our children, all my family and everyone I meet.
When I read you talking about ‘just being you’ with you kids Joel, its like you just opened a door. The things you mentioned seem to tick the box of ‘being a great father’ yet it seems they can just be used as a way to avoid this natural connection. And what if we apply this to all our relationships, are we holding up the shield of ‘good son’, ‘hard worker’ and ‘great husband’ too when just being you is all we have to actually do? Phew.
Lovely words Joseph, to consider that it might be as easy as opening the door and allowing with it within comes out and to no longer hide behind a role in any of our relationships
I can so relate to what you share here Michelle…as a child, the times I remember the most is when there was joy and playfulness in relationships with adults (and friends). And I notice this with my son as well – from a young age he just glows when we are being playful and joyful together…being our joyful selves is confirming of each other.
Thank you Joel, This is a great article highlighting how good we are as men to wear the different hats in life, i.e. the father, the provider, the fixer, the joker etc. but as you have said there is nothing better than allowing us to just be our selves, sure in that surrendering we will have to feel stuff but it is worth every bit of it as there is a new level of intimacy in all our relationships and that is worth celebrating.
This is such a beautiful blog Joel. It brought tears to my eyes.
I am recently married, and looking forward to becoming a Dad in the near future. And I am actually lucky enough to be able to practice and learn a bit as we live with another family that includes 3 children.
One thing I have noticed is that any activity, game, chore, talk, discussion, advice or any other way of being with the kids can never even come close to just letting them come to me and being open to the sparkle they naturally have. If I try and entertain, or try and teach, or try and discipline – it so does not work. If I listen and love and communicate honestly – then all those things just happen naturally.
It’s very beautiful.
Just like your blog.
Simon I have a welling of internal tears reading your beautiful words, “just letting them come to me and being open to the sparkle they naturally have”. You are already an awesome father in that you humbly present yourself to people in being there to support and ignite their sparkle. I know because you offer this to me. Thank you.
(And you will be an amazing parent to your own children)
And this is relevant to mothers too kevin mchardy. Even if mothers are the ones who are ‘around more’ they are not always present with their children, they are often busy thinking of other things, too busy to connect with their kids and spend their days in chaos just dying to get a break from them. I think we all need to deeply consider what Joel is presenting in this blog.
This peice of writting is so important Joel, so many of us dads can get it so wrong and work so hard to provide everything for our family, that the most important thing of all is overlooked. Actually being around to show the love we truly feel .
Thank you Joel for sharing this lovely frank insight into being a father and a son , as you say a work in progress but what an awareness you have come to and are able to share for all men .
Thanks Paul, for appreciating the sharing and for acknowledging its a work in progress.
No matter how dedicated we are to doing things for our children or partner or others more generally, without connecting to ourselves and the innate wisdom inside us that is simply there to share through our presence and our being, all of that doing, brings a totally different message to others regarding what life is about. It is a joy to feel others melt in simply being met for who they are, through totally affirming and appreciating myself for who I am. Words can never completely describe the actual simplicity and power we can bring to each moment that can offer so much joy to the world.
Yes Joel to give our children the simple experience of being with someone who is fully themselves, in no role is the greatest role model to have around as it gives the child the permission to be that themselves. How glorious it is to see this when it is occurring leads me to believe that every human being is hiding a magical immense glory and is capable of more than we can imagine.
This blog is profound . It is honest and beautiful. This line stood out and brought tears to my eyes ”When I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons are becoming”. How many of us parents are raising our children in this way? The impact Joel’s livingness is ginormous, leading the way. Thank you Joel for your true wisdom and dedication for being you.
I can relate to the ‘doing’ and being there for my children focusing on what needs to get done instead of being me but recently there are also moments in my days where I stop and connect to my children. It is beautiful and my kids love it.
Joel, you are so beautiful. This trap of needing to do something – and constantly looking for what is wrong so I may fix it – is one I have fallen into time and time again. Thank you for opening my eyes up further to seeing how this behaviour plays out in my everyday life, as I can feel it does really hold me back from expressing all of the awesomeness and love that I am, simply by just allowing the unfolding process.
Like all your writings Joel, this blog has wisdom running in its veins. Just being ourselves in all situations is the best.
In the beginning as a parent, I quite often found myself trying to be the opposite of my dad who had taken on a very strict and fearsome way of parenting from his dad. The opposite of this I found was never going to work but I had to find my own way and by that it meant just being me.
This is nice Kevin, running to either emulate or oppose our own fathers doesn’t seem to work. We have to find our own way and our own connection to ourselves.
This blog is profound. It is interesting how much as parents we try emulate the way our own dad was with us plus some needed corrections. Adopting a character based on some ideal is one possibility. The other is just being oneself. The funny thing is that we do not opt for the second one as we feel the first one has more to offer them. The truth, though, is the other way around.
Lovely blog Joel. It is easy to repeat the pattern of our parents without realising. How awesome that you can come to this honest awareness about being a dad. You show how in just being you and not trying to be perfect or fit the mould, you can truly meet others. This is true responsibility.
Joel I love your sharing on being the wise Dad, Dedicated Dad. I also feel that women do similar behaviours, such as getting caught up in being in control, rushing, keeping everything flowing and in order, Whereas children just like to have the Parent (Dad or Mum) giving them attention, Love and tenderness plus time shared just being .
I can relate to that Roslyn. Our children just like to get the attention from a fully connected parent instead of from a demanding parent. They just have to feel that they are okay as they are, and that we as parents are equal to them, experiencing the same issues in life as they do, as parents we only have some more life experience, thats all.
Joel, it’s certainly a set-up and massive tap we have fallen for en masse, which leaves us bereft and wandering… thinking that we have to ‘do’ certain things instead of simply being who we are in the knowing that this is so much more than enough. So much struggle and misery is because of this set-up and we literally can’t see the wood for the trees, because all along there is this huge love that we can hold because we come from this love, and all we have to do is let go of the trying and the doing and be who we really are.
And this set-up Katerina, is setting up maintaining the false belief that we have to perform in life, perform to a certain standard, that we are never enough and, if we fall for that this belief will rule the rest of our life and it will perpetuate from generation to generation. But we have now the ability to truly stop this and restore the true quality of parenting and being with our children so this ‘set-up’ is broken and will cease out of the way we parenting our children in the future.
Gorgeous Joel, just as i was reading this blog, my father rang on facetime and i got to spend some time connecting with him.
Our teenage son has kept his clairsentience, so i am ‘growing up’ with him… he finds any dip in energetic communication unacceptable and challenges me if he feels any ‘vibe’, either between him and me or between any family member. And he voices this !!! This is the absolute opposite from my family life as a teen where the everyday vibe on the family farm was simply appalling. The idea of saying what I felt about family energy was not remotely in my teenage lexicon. Of course he is still a troggy teen, but I love where we have evolved to as a family. Without the clarity and ongoing practical presentation of Universal Medicine my life would have been a mirror of my unexpressive and repressive childhood, and for this i am eternally grateful.
Joel. You need a bigger house, a bigger car and a bigger fridge because with this amazing blog, you are a father to all of us!!
I spent an afternoon with my beautiful father having fun with maths. Well it wasn’t really fun at all. About 10 minutes in we were in our usual dynamic, of me asking questions that he could not connect to and him being tensed up trying to help me get it.
We stopped, then I mentioned the tension in his body and the tension between us was broken and our love was there again. Out of this conversation we recognised a couple of things. One is that there is something not quite right in the way maths is taught at school. Both of us were carrying a sense of inadequacy and being “less” than the maths itself. The other thing we recognised is his absolute beauty when he is just himself with nothing to prove, and no answer to get. The same applies to me.
When Ken is just Ken and Rachel is just Rachel the love between us is enormous, and there is no mathematical equation, nor any “dad wisdom” greater than that. (and okay by Ken to share)
Thank you Joel for such an honest sharing. I could relate so much of what you shared to my own experience growing up and felt quite sad reflecting on the distance created by taking on these roles, these ideas of how you must be to be a good parent – a distance from your children and a distance from yourself.
I love what you shared Joel. I too have 2 kids and I can relate to everything you’ve said. In the past 2 years I have been working on connecting to who I am and making choices that supports that. The changes that I have made are related to what type of food I eat, when I go to bed and by being more aware of how I am feeling. I am now able to be more myself around my kids and stay connect to them. I have the energy and clarity to sort out any bickering between them without feeling overwhelmed, out of control or get emotionally caught up. I also have days when I feel out of sorts but I can now quickly identify what causes that and know for next time not to go there. These off days are now very rare and almost becoming non existent when I keep to a rhythm of making loving choices everyday.
This is so beautifully written Joel, and so true it got me reflecting on my own childhood, and even though I’m not a parent could still relate to this, your words: “…..having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something”. And even when teaching, or showing something how much of this is in connection, or can/does the teaching bit get in the way of just being with the child and in this the adult becomes ‘unavailable’? Your blog addresses the essential importance of ‘just being ourselves as an option’ not only in raising kids, but with others too.
Joel what you have presented is an example of how we adopt a way of being based on a belief. What you have described though is less obviously harmful than say ‘working tirelessly’ because many would see it as ‘good’ but any way of being that is not impulsed from within is basically harmful.
It is true Alexis, being and doing good, if you are not connecting to yourself, is no better that being absent at work…as you say it might even be worse because what you confirm to the child is that being absent is the way to live life.
There must be so much pressure on men to be the ideal fathers, and it is not something very much talked about in society. But aren’t men just grown up versions of the tender little boys that they are parenting? So surly this is an issue worth exploring to great and fundamental depths.
I love anything you write Joel Levin and this sharing of your own personal story has blown me away.
What an amazing dad your boys now have as you do not have to DO anything, just BE you. We all live by roles and what is expected of us and how wrong it all is. I was just as lost in growing up and then being a wife. I spent my first marriage totally in the doing and had no idea who I was, what made me tick or what I felt. It was like I numbed me and buried her deep inside my body and played roles depending on who and what situation and people I was with. No wonder I got so sick as living this way has tension in your body and that means you have no natural harmony inside you.
There are so many beliefs about being a ‘great dad’…..and then there are so many roles we can fill in here. I for instance have been always trying to be a great colleague, always being there for others, being nice and doing what is needed. It feels very freeing to let go of the trying and wanting to be something, and give myself permission to just be. It sounds simple, but I have made it very complex.
That’s the word Mariette, very very freeing. We can probably all relate to roles we’ve taken on — the good mother, husband, father, good daughter, good student, good performer at work. And there is nothing wrong in doing well, but never at the expense of who we are. When we don’t bring who we truly are to whatever it is we’re doing we have no true solidness in ourselves and so we’re a yo-yo to the whims of the outside world — we go up when things go well, and plummet when they don’t go so well. Bu when we have a foundation from within us in knowing who we are, we stay steady regardless of what’s happening around us.
It is intriguing how as men we take something as natural as fatherhood and turn it into a role that we need to perform in order to achieve.
I am not a parent but I can relate to what you have written, Joel. Children love simplicity and honesty and they can feel when we are trying to be something or are not being ourselves with them.
Great to revisit this blog, Joel. It is such common behaviour in parents to be constantly trying to do/be something for your kids, when really they just want you to sit down and spend time with them. It is so liberating to let go of the agendas and the expectations we place on ourselves, and feel we are enough and don’t have to have all the answers.
Society has so underrated the quality of ourselves that we can bring to our relationships including parenting which Joel has so beautifully described. Instead it is about what we can do, fix and produce. It is so lovely to , share ourselves truly with others open and vulnerable as people can feel that you do not want or need anything from them.
Awesome comment Janet. I know my kids love more than anything else to spend time with me and for me to be completely present with them when we are spending quality time together. They are very quick to point out to me when I am not fully engaging or paying attention to them. At times when things go pear shaped, I have learnt it’s OK to say, ‘I don’t have the answers’ and to stay connected to who I am and not to go into doubt or fear. Things always seem to work out just fine when I trust and let go.
Hi Joel your realizations about parenting is very much revealing. “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” We as human beings (not doings) have to swallow this bitter pill all together . . .
” What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place. ” Pure gold, thank you Joel.
How simple life is when we can just be ourselves, not playing any roles, not trying to be anything to anyone. Being ‘our self’ allows another to be ‘them self’ and is the best reflection that we can offer our children.
Love the insight that you have shared Joel in this blog – thank you. It is such an important message – that ‘doing’ everything you can for your children does not really compare to ‘being’ all that you are with your children. And that being and living our true selves is the best role modelling our children can receive.
You’ve summed up Joel’s underpinning principles for raising children simply and completely Carola Woods. All our children need is us, in full. What needs to be ‘done; afterwards follows naturally from that foundation.
Dear Joel, on reading this blog again I’m struck by how very beautiful it is and how blessed your sons are that they get to experience the real you. How easy it could have been to just follow suit and continue in the precedence of the template of the role presented before you. I can feel what a hook that could be and is for most parents – it’s like ‘come on, the perfect dad suit has already been pre-made for you, all you have to do is put it on’. But as you say ‘what a setup we have fallen for’ – a pre-packaged role description ladened with the heavy duty ideals and beliefs from a ‘lineage’ of separation. The journey back ‘comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place’. What a powerful healing for us all. Thank you.
In parenting as in so many aspects of life, the choice to simply be and let our true and natural expression flow out of us into what we do, is the grandest way of living. It is a powerful way to live, because people in relationships with us get to see who we are and equally, how they feel when simply met like this, instead of being manipulated, even when nicely so, by another. We have all felt how freeing this is, to be met by someone just being themselves with no performance and no neediness to have us entertain back. Those are the relationships that truly flourish in our lives.
And that this pain or sadness that is being felt as a parent because of our own growing up, when not honestly observed, is giving us the permission to do the same to our own children again. How important it is to become honestly aware of our role as a parent and stop letting our hurts to be our guide in our parenting. We have the key in our hearts to stop this type of abuse in our families by simply allowing ourselves to just be.
This blog is so universal and can be related to how we are in all relationships. Every time I read it I get a loving reminder to stop and just be with my family and anyone I’m in relation with. I always see it comes down to how I am with myself, is so much more of a powerful reflection then the needing to say and teach and do.
Well said Joel. There are so many beliefs around being a “great dad” The most powerful conversations I have with my own Dad is when he removes the “dad hat” and just speaks from his everyday livingness.
I love this image of the “Dad Hat’, it slips on so easily.
Thank you Joel for exposing the myths around fatherhood. We have so many ideals imposed on us on what a mother father wife husband etc should look like that we can often get lost in the performing forgetting what is really true. Thank you for reminding us that these are just concepts we can break let go off to be the loving and awesome beings we naturally truly are.
A beautiful article Joel. Our children were adults when I came to listen to presentations by Serge Benhayon and realized that all that dedication to being a good parent, guiding, fixing and mothering was missing the essential ingredient of being me. The mothering and doing puts a barrier between a parent and child and since making the choice to be me, my relationship with our children has deepened based on true love of allowing us all to just be ourselves.
Simply just be with our children gives a knowing of what to do when doing is needed.
Well said Annelies, this is what I find too.
There is pressure on parents to get it right, all the time. And we can so often sacrifice ourselves in order to live up to that expectation. I have often felt a sense of failure when I have not done something that I could feel was expected of me as a parent, but I am learning that to dedicate my time to the quality of it with my children and not to the activities that we do, is far more enriching to our lives and all of our extended relationships.
Joel, this blog presented an awesome reflection for me. Being the mother who used to pander to her child, when a choice to return to true parenting began, it really felt out of place in my body when I was expected to go back to the old pattern as a parent to fix everything and make it better. Saying no I cannot to this pattern now is one of the most loving things I have done for myself and my child.
It is interesting how we follow in the foot steps and examples of our parents in the belief that this is what it means to be a parent, changing a few things here and there but ultimately, passing on what we have learnt – the good and the bad.
Thank you Susan – I too have felt that – being so close to people physically but feeling a real distance.
For me – I now know that to be me or them not expressing or being ourselves.
Its sad how many times I have felt that because I’d always thought it was better to have a guard up.
I was just taking a walk down quite a busy inner-city street and what I was observing were couples walking physically next to each other, yet the distance between them was tangible. I quite often observe these walls that exist between people. Tonight they were very loud and I was reminded that the wall first goes up within us before we then use that to keep people out.
Joel, your reflections on the wise and dedicated dad are so beautiful to read. Your words literally allowed me to drop my own shoulders, as I could feel such a sense of freedom from all that you have shared and learned from your experiences and observations. Your blog is also so very relatable, as these self created labels we walk in can be so limiting to all of us in so many ways, as they do not allow us the freedom to just be who we fully are. Thank-you for taking the space to feel who you are, as you, beyond the man and the father, it has really offered such an opportunity to ask if we too have programmed ourselves to be someone that is not living true to all that we feel to be and express in each moment.
I love the honesty of this blog Joel. As I was reading I could feel that although ‘my things’ are different, I have the same thing going on as a mother. Using the role of being a mother as a way to not fully be with me… but I know when I am fully with me, these are the moments in which my son is most at ease and joyful.
I love this very heart warming insight into fatherhood, and your journey from doing for your boys, to simply being with them. What an amazing gift you have given them – you!
Joel, fabulous blog. There is much to consider.
Thank you Joel, your blog is opening up questions for me around how I am with my children, friends, family and people I meet. I feel most at ease when I am being completely myself yet at times I have complicated situations by trying to be somebody else or do things for approval or recognition. The great thing is to be able to recognise what I have chosen, stop and choose to return to myself again. The more I become aware the more I can return to being myself all of the time.
It is not only our children that miss out when we live in roles it is also us ourselves who miss out big time not being totally ourselves.
I am still watchful of the roles I pull in to identify myself, usually when I am letting self-doubt creep in. When I am not playing this monstrous game, life and my place in it flows.
I love this line Joel . . . “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” This is relevant to all of us whatever our perceived role.
My role as a father continues to evolve and deepen, the more I commit to the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom as presented through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
I have an ever increasing awareness that the wisdom I have sought to offer my sons through education, skills and talents, pales in significance to the fact that they, already have access to all the wisdom of the universe which resides within them and is there of us all, equally – we are simply to make the choice to honour its presence.
Offering the reflection to my sons of the ‘prospects’ of making this choice for myself, is my only true responsibility as a father.
I found much to ponder on reading this blog again and felt the truth of your comment Greg also within your words – quite humbling really.
It’s so interesting how we take on these beliefs that our worth is in our ‘doing’ but as you’ve so beautifully expressed Joel, the power is actually in our ‘being’.
So very true Katinka, kids can bring so much to our lives and us to them naturally so, with no push, need or imposition onto them from us, just a pure enjoyment of them and our relationship and what we each bring to each other as equals.
Thank you Joel, it’s great to reflect on our dads and being a father as well.
It gave me pause to reflect on my father, now passed. We grew up on a farm, the family farm from my mother’s side, that had been in the family for generations. My family used to be very wealthy. My father was an absolutely terrible farmer, and in one generation reduced the family farming to nigh on bankruptcy. He was a quiet man, who never once hit me. He defied family tradition and would not go to church, however he quietly told me about his personal relationship with God with whom he communicated every day. He was the only farmer in the whole community to treat both the local indigenous population and the migrants with respect.
This is beautiful Chris what you have shared about your Father and what stood out for you growing up. It just shows that the things that are most precious to us growing up is the quality we feel in our parents, and not wether they were the best at a particular task or what material things they gave us.
Being ourselves and being present is a true gift to ourselves and our kids. So many times our minds are somewhere else when we are with our kids. Spending time with them should never be about quantity but always about the quality we are in.
The way we take on roles in life often come from ideals and beliefs we have taken on from the outside. We are not taught that being ourselves is enough and we look for recognition in the roles we take on, doing them the best we can, forgetting that we and others lose out when we are ‘playing’ a role. I love how I am different as a mother these days, always learning to share more of me with my kids and as a result so much more enjoying being with them and appreciating that they bring as much to me as I bring to them.
Thank you Joel. Reading this it reminded me of my dad. This blog doesn’t just count for the ‘wise and dedicated’ dad…I know a lot of dads that put on many other types instead of just being them. Great to read
Gives a whole new perspective of closeness and family.
As Joel was there as the dedicated father however the richness and bond between the family could be more by simply being himself. Simple and profound in many ways.
This is such a great blog Joel, fatherhood like anything else benefits by us just being us and no more.
My son has been waiting a long time for me to stop playing the role of a worried, controlling mother with spiritual ‘wisdom’. We as mothers also play so many roles.
He actually gave and still gives me the gift of reflecting me how the above is not working. He knows allready so much and I often just overrode his wisdom.
I am on my way of being me with him, not perfect, but getting there and love every step of the way.
What wise words Joel. There’s such a gorgeous sparkle in you, what a beautiful thing to bring to any child.
I love the way this article talks about the many potential roles found in fatherhood and I found myself reflecting on the many other roles I have taken on in life and how exhausting it can be. The other choice is to ditch all the roles and just be me.
Hello Joel, this blog continues to grow. Coming back and reading it again I can relate to it in a different way. We often see children as something we ‘need’ to hang onto and so at times how I relate to the children is from there. Like if I was to say the wrong thing I would loose them or some ridiculous thought like that. I have found when I catch this, how I am with the children changes. It feels like I can see things more clearly and I am able to speak to them not from a fear of loosing but from knowing it is about us growing in a relationship together. We think as parents we have a lot to offer the children which is true, but in turn they also offer us a lot and so does the relationship with them. I am a greater person from reading this blog and from meeting Serge Benhayon, thank you Joel and thank you Serge.
These ridiculous thoughts have also run through my head at times Raymond, when relating with my children, but once I catch them, I feel my shoulders drop and the pressure melts away and I remember again that we are all learning together!
This is big Ray. That feeling of needing to hang on or that one misstep will break everything. It can be such a trap for mums and dads alike.
Life is so precious – sharing life even more so. Isn’t it amazing that we want to change what is naturally there to better the lives of others? Crazy in fact and just not worth it.
What also came up for me while reading, was what other roles am I trying to play. And how many times have I put so much energy and effort into a role without getting the feeling of satisfaction or what I was really looking for? Thank you for a-waking read Joel, it might just pay to be myself and not play any roles.
Thank you, Joel for this lovely sharing of yourself with us all.
What you write holds true for mothers, sons and daughters too.
These are the times I love best too:
“when we sit around the dinner table and just chat about our days
when I allow myself to deeply see the beautiful men my sons (and daughters) are becoming
I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.”
It is so lovely, re-learning to be a parent, just by being ourselves.
Although I strived not to be a Dad by the doing I still ended up being one. So I relate greatly with what you have written Joel and like you I am learning to just be me with my now grown-up daughter and enjoy her being being herself.
Joel, this blog confirms what I have always felt in you, a dedication to truth beyond your obvious capabilities in everyday life. Living this to the best of your ability offers a great reflection not only to your boys but everyone who crosses your path. Even though I am not a parent I am inspired by your blog in my relationships. Thank you.
I really appreciate this post, Joel; it has connected me with 2 things: (1) that mums do this too and I don’t need to try to ‘teach’ my kids when they ask me about stuff – I can just impart what I know and go on with the conversation (2) that it’s easy to wish our Dads did everything you read in books they are supposed to do, but the reality is they are human and to be celebrated for themselves and enjoyed, not judged for their choices or how you reacted to them. Thank you.
Great writing Joel. Thank you. The journey of simply truly being ourselves is certainly an ongoing one! Over the years of attending Universal Medicine presentations I have been able to gradually let go of the different personas I would bring to different situations, feeling how to be myself, and to know that this was all I need to be. I love being myself with my family, with my son and my wife, not that I can do it all the time, but if I veer off, they certainly let me know… Which is just great.
Thanks for sharing this Joel, being ourselves can at times be the most difficult thing, due to our learned behaviours and wanting to protect our hurts. You bringing all of who you are feels like the most precious gift, really enjoyed reading this.
Joel, I recognise much in this but from the perspective of the daughter. The most precious moments I’ve spent with my Dad were not those when I was doing, active, or being the devoted daughter. It was when we just hung out together. Sometimes sitting silently together, but connected to each other, really beautiful. Other times it was sharing a meal, talking about our day, what had happened that day or Dad sharing stories about his early life.
You blog Joel made me think – It’s so interesting how the roles we adopt are often not really based on our true feelings or expressions. Do we then run our world by the ideals and beliefs of our ancestors with disregard to our inner knowing. Is this truly intelligent or was it just imposed long ago and now habitual? Good on you Joel for choosing to be true to you and break the lineage of those old family ideals and beliefs.
Loved reading this Joel, I could recognise the roles my own father played when he was alive – in particular being the wise problem solver. At the time though I wasn’t recognising the fact that we and my parents were playing roles and it is only recently that I can see how we all fitted into our roles and took our place within the family dynamics. Very interesting topic, thank you.
You have exposed very gently here Joel the ‘ideal’ father, it is pretty difficult to find fault with the ‘wise’ and ‘dedicated’ father. It is a sad situation for the father, the children and the mother as they can feel that something is not right or missing but it is hard to pinpoint when the ‘dedicated’ father box is being ticked. What a beautiful and powerful piece of writing this is.
I too took on so many roles when bringing up my children Joel and Julie. It was exhausting. Being me is so much simpler.
Awesome sharing Joel. Reading this blog I could so feel how when we go into playing roles we are not truly being ourselves. When we choose to play a role aren’t we actually saying: ‘I am not enough and I have to do something extra to be ok?’
Joel, I can so relate to the doing aspect of being a parent, and being a single parent was my so called reason for feeling I had to do so much and be everything to my children. A very exhaustive choice to make and one that I have been able to see, was quite disempowering and de-valuing of my children’s own natural abilities. Choosing to do things from my own loving presence and bringing my own gorgeous quality to what I do to the best of my ability, is a most natural and self supportive choice for myself that benefits all as there is no need whatsoever.
I love how you reveal that we use our roles and the doing to hide behind and in that, we lose the connection to ourselves. When all that is truly needed actually comes from that connection and the love and wisdom that comes naturally from being (with) ourselves.
I have lived with so many roles (hiding places), identifying strongly with the rule books they came with, telling me how to be a good wife, mother, worker etc. As I relinquish them I step into life with less attachment or need. This sometimes feels a bit like coming out of a dark cinema into daylight. There is a period of blinking and uncertainty, but a sureness that I do not want to stay in the cinema forever!
Awesomely described Matilda. Yes, it’s like reality is just there waiting outside for us to stop playing these never ending films of ‘what a good person should be’. The truth is so much lighter than these marathon epics we have seen many times.
A brilliant reminder that life is not in the doing, but in the way we are, being ourselves no matter who it is that we connect with. You don’t remember all the things that people do, it’s the quality of the connection you have with them that resonates with you long after. Thanks for your wisdom Joel, a timely reminder.
I love this Joel, I felt a part of me relax just reading your words, so supportive for Dads but also a beautiful lesson for all parents, and grandparents. Kids adore being with their Dads and the differences in the ways of being (or doing), as you have clearly expressed, feel amazing.
I keep coming back to this article for the inspiration of hearing again the natural, true tenderness of a man with his children. To be willing to relinquish the expected roles and doings of a father and love, meet and accept our children is magic worth aspiring to. Thank you, Joel.
I completely agree Amina, as a teenager I can definitely relate to the pressures mums and dads have of bringing up the child correctly and the pressure to make their kids happy.
‘Trying to fix thing’s’ for others is such a big trap I’m sure most of us have fallen into many times. Thank you for exposing this Joel. Hand in hand with this is something I try and remember which Serge Benhayon has presented, which is that simply ‘ we need not try’. As soon as we stop stop trying, we can just be ourselves naturally.
I too love this blog for its strength, wisdom and simple message. Be yourself, connect with others as that and not always in our roles.
Joel, what you have written has obviously resonated with a lot of people, myself included. I never doubted that my father loved me but he too played the father roles in the ways you mentioned has happened in your family. We both missed out somewhat as a result. I feel that modelling of how to be a wise and dedicated father (and mother) is very active in our society and it is such a shame that more people don’t realise that the key is really to stop the busyness and ‘doing’ and to just be themselves.
Thank you Joel. Reminding me to just be me, moment to moment.
Also a reminder of the pressure that can be put on Dads to be a certain way or do certain things. It’s obvious when you ask the kids what they want – just to be around the Dad they know and love.
As many others have shared, I love re-visiting this blog Joel, as it reminds me to just be myself with my family and not feel I have to play a role all the time.
Hi Joel, thanks for sharing this wonderful blog, it really meant a lot to read it. I know I have played the ‘wise, dedicated son’ role, to my family and friends and what you said is so accurate, you miss out on getting to be you if you are always trying to fix things.
I totally relate to what you have shared with us Joel, the most natural moments are those I’ve spent simply ‘hanging out’ with my sons.
What I have previously reflected on is the possibility that being in the role of ‘Mr Fix it’ not only keeps me at a distance from my sons but equally so, has the potential to keep me from being truly honest with myself – that perhaps there are moments when I ought to be sharing a moment of stillness with myself rather than being on one or other mission of busy-ness.
Perhaps this reflection too, is what my sons, at a young age, felt as being something that belonged to the ‘role of being a man and father’ but not belonging to the man – which is likely why they would resist the invitation to hang around to learn some ‘useful’ skills.
Great blog Joel. So insightful. I felt like this with my Dad growing up and I felt hurt about it but could never articulate what it was that hurt like you have here. What a massive healing for kids and dad’s everywhere.
Thank you Joel for sharing such a deeply personal part of your life with us. It is so true when we get caught up in the doing that we actually lose connection with ourselves and those we love. “Doing” should come with a warning label “Do at your own expense.” How often have we needed to just stop and rest or take time out but we don’t because we have to “do” this or that. I know the best times in my childhood where when my parents just stopped and sat with me, for no other reason than to have a hug or a chat. We don’t do this enough. Reminds me of the saying “Life happens whilst we are making plans” or we could say “Life happens whilst we doing”
Such a beautiful blog Joel, it reminds me of the feelings I had when I was growing up. I always wanted my mum to just be herself and to not feel she had to play a role with us all the time. It is inspiring to read how you have chosen to go from ‘wise dedicated dad’ to ‘just being me’, no one misses out – everyone wins!
I love it Joel – the simplicity of “just being me” , that’s all that’s needed.
Joel, thank you for your honesty. It can happen so quietly, the ‘role’ we allow as a parent. From the ‘doing’, to feeling that we are to have ‘wisdom’ to offer our children. But our love is when they see us raw and our love totally exposed and unplugged. I have come to realise this is a part of what is to be offered to our children and yes, I have many ‘cringe’ moments when I recall the upbringing of my beautiful (now adult) children.
This is such a beautiful blog Joel and a great reminder – no matter what our roles are in life – if we are being ourselves in those roles, everyone benefits from this.
Thanks Joel for sharing. I can feel how that trap of playing roles stops me from being me, and it’s such an important point you make that all kids and everyone want is you, not the role you play.
Joel what you have expressed here is very gorgeous and revealing. I appreciate but still feel challenged when my teenage son calls me out for my “mothering” tone in some things I say. I can feel that in trying to fix or say the right thing in that tone I am sabotaging a loving connection with him rather than accepting him as the gorgeous young man he is who can make his own choices.
Thank you, Joel. Awesome. Playing the roles we think we have to play to meet the expectation, trying to achieve the picture perfect ideals – really is not what a life is about.
Hi Joel thanks for your honest and insightful blog ,most of us fathers have fallen for this set up and put ideals first . The beautiful simple truth once unveiled is all we have to do is be who we are and take that to fathering when we are called to father . One of my beautiful daughters, who now is a mother, recently said to me Dad I have just realised I don’t know you as a person and I want to get to know you as a person as I feel you are amazing.
Oh and Joel my favourite part was where you saw how beautiful your sons are! I don’t think that I have ever heard a man speak these words.
Joel this was really beautiful to read – thank you. I felt my dad in your words also and am looking forward to seeing him again.
Such an utterly beautiful blog, thank you Joel, “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.”
Joel I love this blog, and I will keep returning to it as its message is so true for me with my own kids. This time I particularly noticed the connection that when we choose the role of the wise person, we automatically are looking for a problem to fix in order to apply our wisdom, and how this then leads us into doing rather just being ourselves.
A beautiful heartfelt blog Joel. I do know that pain of living closely with a parent but at the same time feeling they could be a hundred miles away. I know I too have perpetuated that with my own children. However thanks to the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we can re-learn how to connect again.
How beautifully you have shared your journey through fatherhood Joel, thank you. Your writing touched me deeply as it reflected my journey through motherhood, the doing rather than the BEING with my daughters. My learning and undoing is a work in progress, and as I become more of the amazing woman I am there is more of me to just BE with my beautiful daughters, awesome grandchildren and anyone else I am with. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for lovingly supporting me in my return to being my true self, through this return to self a healing of our relationships just naturally starts to occur.
Joel, it’s so beautiful that you have come back to being you and that your sons have the opportunity to experience you. Better ‘late’ than never – it’s never too late! The long chain of ‘dad doing’ is being broken so that at least your sons have seen what it can be like to be a ‘dad being’. And perhaps your grandsons and great grandsons will grow up from the start not having to feel the sadness of the lineage of distance and disconnection, but as boys and men in the tender, loving way of being.
Absolutely, the opportunity for generations to come not to be caught in the madness of roles and expectations dictated by an unspoken social rule book. To break these patterns is a service to humanity. That is a pretty cool start for parenting!
At first you could assume that being a wise and dedicated Dad would be a good thing but I can see that it is not if it comes at the expense of just being able to be yourself.
Thanks Joel, beautiful article. It is so easy to be us and so freeing for all around us, it still amazes me at how complicated we can make everything. Thinking and trying to be more than who we are when all the world wants and needs is for us to be ourselves.
Great blog Joel. And we can apply your revelations to all areas of life where we try to avoid just being ourselves, not only parenting. In our society the DOING seems much more important than the being. And we gratefully use it as an excuse as well to not take our responsibility. I love what you say: “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” With your honesty and willingness you have already changed the way you are with your children. Your deep love is felt and you are an amazing role model. Thank you very much for nominating this much needed truth.
Thank you Joel, you have raised a very important point in this blog. To be a father you don’t have to BE anything, just yourself. This is powerful. I watch my two girls with their father and I see their eyes open wider and their smiles become bigger when they feel the immense tenderness of their father come out. It is glorious to watch. This is all they want. They want to feel this natural tenderness and care flow from their dad and this trumps anything else that he may ‘do’ for them. Letting our girls see the warm inners of him is priceless to them and me. We all win.
And what a foundation for their relationship with all men in their lives. Thank you, Robyn.
Thank you Joel for this beauty-fully presented expose of your growing awareness about being a dedicated Dad and just ‘hanging out’ being you. I really enjoyed reading of your unfolding of how to truly be with your sons. Your article touches me, as I recall my father passing more than 23 years ago, and the local minister visiting and asking us to fill him in on our fathers’ life, when my two brothers and I looked at each other and didn’t know what to say – and came up with in a nutshell “he just worked hard – we didn’t really know him”.
What a different story it could have been if we were all aware then of the choices we truly have in life and the possibility of the connection with the deeper aspect of ourselves as presented as inspiration by Serge Benhayon and the presentations of Universal Medicine.
Great insight into the mold of fatherhood. I’m learning that kids observe me as how I’m being and pick up the traits i have. if I teach them something and it feels very imposing to them then I am reducing their creativity. Being me around them and connecting is a lot of joy indeed! Thanks for the blog Joel!
Wise and honest words to share “As my two sons move through their teenager years and they start making their own choices, I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something.” There is a subtle and yet huge difference between doing and being and children really do it feel it and how you describe the ‘sadness’ in their eyes, is so honest and ultimately healing. The first step with healing is to feel and see what has been occurring – honesty. Children/Everyone seeks to meet for who they truly are, this is a wonderful nugget of truth to share with the world.
This is very beautiful, Joel. I could not agree with you more. Thank you for writing this.
Thanks Joel for this beautiful article. You have brought up memories of my long deceased father and how it was “like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them”. I felt that there was a distance between us, and as you describe, he fixed things, ‘solved’ our problems and blamed the world for various wrongs. I actually don’t remember much of what he said, mainly the way he said things. I am now able to go deeper and can feel his loving acts of kindness and tender protection even though he couldn’t be simply himself.
When I reflect back on my time with my father, it was never about anything he did that I loved him for but simply him being who he was and his willingness to share himself with me.
The pressure to “have to do” in parenting is so strong as it is in all aspects of life including work. “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do.” You completely turn the table by considering that just being ourselves is enough. The “doing” is very strongly programmed but I too am learning to break this cycle and am slowly, slowly learning and trusting that being me is all that is needed.
Isn’t it interesting that we have an ideal of what we think we should be and how we need to behave as a parent and that ideal stands in the way of us really being with our kids. Its hard to let go of the parenting role and be who we are with our kids but when we do the reward is so great, so full of wonder and joy and love that once experienced you simply want to repeat it over and over again.
When I allow myself to be me with my son magic happens.
Beauti-fully expressed Rachel magic does happen when we are simply ourselves.
This is a great to highlight Rachel, ‘we have an ideal of what we think we should be and how we need to behave as a parent and that ideal stands in the way of us really being with our kids. Its hard to let go of the parenting role and be who we are with our kids’, I notice how I can slip into this parenting role, that I can nag my son and feel like is this what I’m meant to be doing as a parent, it feels disrespectful and tiring when I do this.
Hi Joel. A lovely exposé which I see in myself. Although not a ‘wise and dedicated dad’, I can be a ‘wise and dedicated boss’, leaving me feeling separate from my employees. Although there are many situations and times when I feel part of a team, sharing time and space with fellow human-beings, just being me, I can see how I do put on that ‘I will fix it, sort it out, super-responsible hat’. Thank you for being you Joel and helping me see myself.
Dear Joel, As a woman I can feel the “missing out” we all feel from this way of life from our men. The doing man, the Mr fix it man and having all the answers man. This would be draining and disheartening for you. And a feeling of missing the connection, where it really counts. There is a void for all of us.
Thank You Joel, Every time I read the word ‘dad’ in your blog I could feel myself substituting the words ‘single mum’. I was the wise and dedicated ‘single mum’ to my son and grandsons. A few years ago I noticed that at first they would be attentive to what I was saying then I noticed they started to squirm and quickly remove themselves from my presence. That was an ‘aha’ moment. Now, although we are geographically apart, any connection that we have is a true connection. By just being me, they too can be themselves.
Thank you for the wisdom you’ve come to Joel and sharing this. Its beautiful reading how you just hang with your boys now and how different that is, for not only yourself but for them too, when you’re just being you.
This part touched my deeply from the first time I read it – “This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.” I realised I do it with everything, searching for what is not quite right (from my perception) and how it can and needs to be fixed! How exhausting…
And this is so gold! – “….who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.” So true, I find whenever I’m getting overly involved in looking at another, its usually time for me to stop and feel what am I avoiding and not taking responsibility for.
Great article thanks Joel. When I was raising my two daughters, I thought that ‘doing’ was what it was all about. However, I didn’t grasp that just being me would be so much more valuable. More to the point, I didn’t grasp that there was a true me to be found. Now I’m a grandfather, and I am learning to present myself to my family in an open and vulnerable way, and their response is quite lovely.
Thank you Joel for this insight to your journey as a father and also a son. What you have presented has me reflecting on my journey as a father and the learnt behaviours of how a father should be. My journey of undoing is also underway and the learning and feeling of just being me and a true man and father.
This is such a great blog and well worth re-reading. I can relate to also growing up with a very wise, very handy and very dedicated dad who you couldn’t fault on one level because he would literally give you the shirt off his back if he had to. I could feel how much he deeply cared for all of us (and still does) but I still felt something was missing or that we were not as close we could be. That something was him just being him without the ‘super-man’ costume on. I can also see the same traits in me with my kids and it feels very related to a fear of taking the costume off and wondering if people will still love me as I am without it. I am slowing realising that I am still a super-man without the fancy costume on and in many ways more so without all the trying to live up to roles that are not me.
While I was reading your blog Joel I realised as adults we often take the position of superiority with the younger generations and call it being responsible. As you say the times you are appreciating the most with your sons is when you are simply chatting around the dinner table – just being you, not doing, or fixing, or being the responsible ‘wise one’. I love this because it means you are all equal and what I have found is that when we are open to all around us in equality there is so much wisdom to be shared from everyone and we all shine.
And this breaks the preconceptions about there being some kind of ‘wisdom pecking order’. I am touched so frequently by the wisdom and insight of those around me whatever their age, relationship with me or education.
I just Googled ‘a parent is never being enough’ 225 million hits. What is the chance of finding one article other than this one that shows the easiest way to be a parent or our relationship with others… is just Be yourself.
“The process of undoing the harm that was caused by growing up with and becoming a ‘wise and dedicated dad’ is still ongoing and I have to dodge the part of me that still wants to make it about ‘doing’ stuff to fix it, rather than just being me with my dad or my kids, regardless of what we do.”
The Catch-22 realisation and knowing.
How beautiful that you have realised that being yourself was in fact everything they needed. No doubt this will be the beginning of changing the behaviours that have been handed down from generation to generation to be able to show your sons there is another way of being a parent.
Powerful Joel and Melissa – yes its definitely a game changer whoo hoo!
Thanks Joel this is a beautiful reminder. I too have seen that what my son and daughter really want is for me to just be me and hang out, they are naturally drawn to me and become more affectionate. I can really relate to the feeling that I need to fix something to be of value, and for me this stems from not truly appreciating the true beauty and value of just being me.
A lovely look into a sensitive topic. I suppose just being yourself and all that you know you to be is the most important way to be around others.
What a wonderful and true insight into being a father. In pondering my own relationship with my father I can feel how hard he tries to be the wise and dedicated father of the family. My best times with him are similar to the ones you stated Joel when you are just being with your sons and not striving to do something for them. It makes me realise what a false belief we as a society have fallen for with regards to being a ‘great’ father. The same must also be true of the ideals and beliefs around being a”great” mother. Maybe the same truths are to be pondered their for me also. It has given me a greater insight into why I never chose to become a mother this time. We as a society need to take a deeper look into what it really means to be a truly loving father or mother, as you have Joel. Thank you, your sons are truly blessed.
Love this Joel, thank you. An inspiration to many on being ourselves in parenting. I see and feel the pure joy in our children when we as parents are connected and present. Sometimes I get caught up in what we can give to our children, lifestyle etc, but all they really want is us, really US.
So so true Heidi – “Sometimes I get caught up in what we can give to our children, lifestyle etc, but all they really want is us, really US.” I see this also with my sons when I’m being me with them…. there is nothing else they are looking for and I can also remember that feeling with my parents when I was young.
What an important clue actually, when our children are asking for this and that and nothing that they are given, as in material things or going here and there is enough, its an opportunity for us to step back and look at where we are at with ourselves and with each other.
I can tell you Joel that all I ever wanted from my parents is that they just themselves, I just want to connect to someone who isn’t always trying to fix my problems or only notices me when I am broken. When my parents started to be themselves I became more open, started telling them what was really going in my life and we have never been closer.
I loved that you exposed here that despite looking to the outside world like a super great dad, there was something really important missing from the recipe – you. I too grew up with wonderful parents who did and still do everything for me that I need. But I am also sad that along the way, they neglected to share more of themselves, choosing instead to work extremily hard to perhaps cover up their stored up pain from both growing up in households with not too much spare income. Because providing for us became their focus, sharing themselves with us then become a secondary priority. I don’t have children yet but I do have parents and your blog has made me feel that it’s not too late to change this dynamic and share more of my true self with them and hopefully they feel comfortable to do the same with me.
I totally relate to wanting to fix, help, solve etc etc instead of just staying with being me, its like somewhere along the line being us is deemed not enough that we have to bring more to the table than just being us. Crazy as that is all anyone truly wants!
Thank you for the insight, honesty and sensitivity of this piece Joel. The world needs more dads like you willing to just be themselves, how precious that is.
What a great discovery to share with other Dads (and Mums). We so often feel like we need to be ‘something’ for our kids, rather than simply showing them who we are in everyday life. Your realisation that in being the wise dad, you were constantly looking for what was broken or incomplete in your sons. How liberating for us all to know that there is nothing we need to do, we just have to be.
What an amazing realization Joel! I mean here you are the perfect dad, ticking all the boxes, but to actually look deeper and admit that this is still far from what your children want and need the most, takes a lot of honesty and self-awareness. A willingness that inspires me to go deeper in my own life, committing more to just being me in my relationships.
Richard a joy to read you comment with all my body as I can feel that holding of “perfection”. Indeed what we may hold as “perfection” is not not truly what we, our children or anyone else really wants.
I recently became a single father and have been quietly freaking out about how I can make this go right. Will I know what to say, can I provide all that is needed, will I know what to do, I don’t earn enough money etc.
When I am myself there is no need to freak out as what I need in that instant is there. My daughter just wants to hang out with daddy. It really is that simple.
I can so relate to what you felt and thought Daniel. When I became a single mum with 2 small children, it was the same for me – all about survival, how will I manage etc. Only later did I learn by just being me and present with the children, the rest will then be much easier to take care of, and things will start to flow, and it all became much more simple.
Joel, so beautiful and so sensitive. Your blog reminded me of a time spent with my father as a child. We were just walking down our street together on a cold grey Melbourne day in winter; dad picked up my hand and placed it in his coat pocket. So there we were hand in hand snuggled together in his pocket walking along, silently. I felt so held and deeply cherished.
Fantastic sharing, Joel. The power of Being-ness versus Doing-ness. Bringing all that you are is all that is needed and the most powerful reflection. No boxes to tick, just being the love that you are. Awesome and thank you, Joel.
Loved this blog, such a simple yet profound revelation…Growing up, I remember wishing that family members would just be ‘real’ with me and show me themselves… I often felt the discrepancy between their words/actions and who I now know them to be and, more recently I have felt that discrepancy within me too!
I have been blessed and shown another way by Universal Medicine and many others who have now chosen to live their deepest Love on the outside!
Now, that is something to aspire to!
Not in a striving or pushing way trying to be anything or to mould ourselves into a particular role! Just a simple willingness to be present in each moment, feeling and sharing what is there to be felt and shared! Letting go of thoughts and behaviours that are not truly our own!
When my eldest daughter was very young I remember feeling the simple flow of how easy and natural motherhood could be … somewhere along the line ‘ideals’ about what it meant to be a ‘good’ mother snuck in …
Now I am committed to the ‘work’ of uncovering the real me.
This is for myself first and foremost, yet equally benefits my daughters, others around me and, in truth, ALL of humanity!
Another awesome blog, Joel, – so simple and clear, yet so incredibly deep and inspiring. Even though I’m not a dad, obviously, but not even a mom, I can related to your blog in other relationships, when you say: ”
You see, being the ‘wise and dedicated dad’ means that to be useful I had to have something to do,….”
I have felt similarly in other relationships, – that to be worth loving or even worth to be together with me means I have to be a certain way, prove something, be interesting, look a certain way, say the right things and so on. It gets exhausting in the end, and then I have pulled away.
Thank you for reminding me that just being me is enough, – and it’s a work in progress.
A very inspiring blog, when I reflect on my relationships and see that I have also taken the same role as ‘wise and dedicated man’, instead of just being me. Also with my fiancé, I’m in that role and most of the time she doesn’t just get me.
I can relate to your story Joel, I have as a mother not allowed myself to be seen much in the past by my children. Who I thought I was, was all about what I did. It is lovely to start to feel the difference and to bring more of me into what I do.
Joel. You can be a dedicated and wise Dad all rolled into one. Being a father is on the job training, no one can tell us what to do, we just learn as we go along, and it’s great learning new things we have not experienced previously.
This is so true Mike, on the job training, so its important to reflect and learn without too much guilt a self-reproach. Mind you, my parenting style is vast different today than those early days and its not just through the on the job training, the learning through Universal Medicine has been key to this too.
Being a dad: to show what love is
And I can only ‘do’ so by being me..!!
Thank you Joel, I love the simplicity of the message shared in your blog … ” just being me…” is way more than enough 🙂
With your permission I would like to share your blog with all the parents I meet – I give ‘going home talks’ to parents as a midwife. Often I forget about the important role the father has- to simple be himself and that is enough!
Most of the dads I meet are all concerned about the ‘doing’, ‘fixing’, ‘providing’ roles and are unaware of the most important thing in a child’s life- quality time spent with their mum and dad, where they are met and can just be themselves.
Thank you Joel for your beautiful blog.
Oh Loretta, what an awesome sharing to take to the new dad’s out there just embarking on their parenting journey! A beautiful way of presenting another way of approaching dad-hood, no judgement, no expectation, just an open window to the fresh breeze that has the potential to blow the cobwebs away.
This is so true. I remember growing up feeling that my parents didn’t really love me, no matter how much they did for me. It didn’t matter about the gifts they gave me, how many times they gave me recognition for doing something good, and not even providing a roof over my head, food on the table and a good education and pocket money when I needed it, or even now as an adult a gift of money or a holiday. None of these things matter or made me feel loved if the true connection of just them meeting me and being themselves is missing. I also understand that as the author in this article has so openly shared, my parents didn’t know that the doing or giving was not truly love. They did in truth love me very dearly, and they were showing this love in the only way they knew how, the same way their parents would have. Thank you to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon we’ve been inspired to feel this is not it and there is another and true way, that is so so much easier and natural. Just being ourselves and meeting another lovingly.
To consider what Joel has written here is life changing stuff. Men in their natural power, not in their fancy dress of roles.
Wow, Matlida…Fancy dress…what powerful way to laid bare the facade of these roles. Fancy dress is something we wear as a bit of fun and to escape day to day life… nailed it…
I can so relate to this sharing in so many areas of life. Living up to these ideas or pictures of ways we can be ‘good’ parents is a doosy that I too have found keeps Me away from myself and my children. Your blog reminded me of one of my fave scenes from a cartoon, The Legend of Korra, where this fellow called Tenzin is in the ‘fog of lost souls’ and will get tricked to stay there if he doesnt ‘remember who he is’. So he keeps repeating over and over to himself that he is the ‘son of Ang – and one of the last airbenders’— like saying to himself ‘I’m a wise and dedicated dad’— an IDEA of who he should be or what he should live up to. Till eventually his father Ang (who was the last Avatar) appears and lovingly and clearly states that he is not ‘son of Ang’ nor ‘the last airbender’ he is TENZIN. In that powerful moment Tenzin realises he is trying to live up to something OUTSIDE of him and claims himself just as him – I am Tenzin – as you have done with the realisations you describe here Joel, not a wise and dedicated dad – but JOEL, and in that moment the entire fog clears – as it clearly has for you. Win win – for you, the kids, and all that cross your path. There is no more than ‘us’ we ever need to try and be. Love it.
Thanks Joel for the reflection on what really matters in our relationships with our children.
I was only expressing to my 5 year old son last night that I don’t really enjoy the ‘being a good dad’ role, and that I really just want to be me and have fun.
We were able to reflect on the things that we really love doing together and what we really love about each other and, not surprisingly, it never involved being a good dad, it was more about just being playful.
Yes Rob, thats what it comes down to: playfullness, as children are naturally playful and light, this is how we meet them….
What a beautiful sharing , Joel. To me this is in any way – being in business, as a doughtier, sister or partner – to be me in all I do. Not needing to be anything or anyone for anybody. But truly being connected to who I truly am and live from that with everyone around me.
Joel, your beautiful blog deeply reasonates with me as I can feel when I was growing up, the busy-ness of my mum and my dad and how the do-ing was always put before the be-ing. It is amazing to feel how much sadness comes up when I feel this.
What resonated the most with me was: “I didn’t consider just being me was an option” – I have so many ideas and ideals of how I should be to handle life. “Just being me” is not an option that comes easily. Thank you Joel to bring it back to my attention!
So gorgeously said Joel. I loved the part about allowing yourself to feel the beautiful men your sons are becoming. Your experiences of just being you sound so simple – and I have experienced similarly with my daughter – it is crazy to think that we have fallen for any other way of being. Thanks for your sharing – always a loving reminder.
This blog dispels a lot of the ideals and beliefs we generally hold around being a parent. You are a wise man Joel, Thanks.
What a superbly insightful article on fathering. Good medicine for all dads out there and an inspiring read for all us mums too.
Thank you Joel. I think it’s so main stream what you describe, how men in general have such fixed ideals on how fatherhood is supposed to be. Yet beyond those roles of provider, doer, fixer and advisor, all kids (including us as kids) have ever wanted is to spend time with that beautiful gentle person inside that is their dad, held by his warmth and care and the feeling that he is always just there.
Thank-you Joel for the profound but also simple way in which you have written this article on being a parent.
Thank you Joel, you have made a very important point that the beingness is far more important than the doing and that gives me plenty to ponder on.
Thank you Joel. I think it’s so mainstream what you describe, how men in general have such fixed ideals on how fatherhood is supposed to be. Yet beyond those roles of provider, doer, fixer and advisor, all kids (including us as kids) have ever wanted is to spend time with that beautiful gentle person inside that is their dad, held by his warmth and care and the feeling that he is always just there.
You have just shattered a whole consioucness around parenting! As a parent how lovely to allow ourselves to just be us without the pressure to be “the parent”. Yes, we need to fix things when they are broken and we need to give advice when broken but lets do that when things need fixing or when advice is asked for. And how lovely to be a child and receive this from a parent.
I saw your sons today. I havent seen them for a couple of years now.
Man – they are big! Young men through and through while last time I saw them they were kind, considerate and very charming boys.
What you talk about here shows in your boys.
At an age when most boys are awkward, unsociable and distant with most adults and conversations – they are open, involved, willing to help and communicate even with strangers.
Somethings gotta be goin right. :-).
Awesome article Joel.
Love as the source of dedication and wisdom.
Your blogs are always so rich and concise Joel, and offer such a depth of understanding.
Your love for your boys and your father can be felt in every word. What is so very special is that you changed a pattern – one that you could have successfully run with for years. You would have ticked every box, and everyone who knew you would have said “what a great dad!”…and yet you were willing to feel that there was a greater depth to go to, and to let go of the shield of knowledge that allows people to be close, but never truly connected.
And you did this with no reaction to your own father and the way he fathered you.
This is the wisdom you describe, that comes from the love that you are.
Thank you Joel for sharing your precious and dedicated way.
Thanks for this awesome blog Joel, I could really feel the hurt in being there but not really ‘being there’. Something that isn’t only subject to ‘our Dads’ of course but to the relationships we can have with everyone and anyone, I’ve been able to see that when I feel this hurt of another not truly ‘being there’ and I take it personal there is an emptiness in me that then thinks I want to shut them out (for fear of feeling hurt again). When in actual fact this continues the hurt even more deeply, as the last thing I naturally want to do is shut another out or hold them at ransom for hurting me previously.
Could it be that when we let them into our hearts unconditionally by ‘being there’ ourselves, they too feel the opportunity to do the same if they so choose? And either way we feel love-ly within ourselves; because in loving them (letting them in) regardless of outcome – we have been just as equally loving with who we are too.
Thanks Joel for such beautiful and honest sharing. Reading your blog has left me pondering, as how I on the receiving end of encouraging my Dad to do things for me has contributed to him always ‘doing helpful things’ when we are together such as fixing my car etc. In the doing then there is not the time and space to just be with each other. Your blog has inspired me to let go of ‘the doing’ and be open to just enjoying each others company.
Its so lovely to hear about your life and how you are making changes on all levels that will impact your family forever. A good reminder for me to not get caught in role playing at the expense of being me.
Isn’t it great – what we figure out in being a parent is always so precious for every relationship we are having!
Allowing ourselves to be us–thank you Joel for reminding me of this simple truth.
Just being us is enough, for we are enough to begin with–truth reverberates in my body with this simplicity.
This is beautiful Joel. What more could a child ask for in a parent? It’s amazing how much pressure there is out there to ‘be a good parent’ – but most of this pressure is to ‘be’ something other than who you naturally are – ironic isn’t it -What does this teach our children?
I love the relationship you are now building with your sons – by being the real you.
Your honesty in this blog Joel is a true inspiration, for men and women alike. Well done for breaking out of the lineage and offering another way for yourself and your 2 sons. The true wisdom and dedication comes from you being you as the man you are first. We can all take something from this Joel. Thank you.
Joel I was deeply touched by what you have shared. I can so relate except being the wise dedicated mother. I am finding my children relax and can be more themselves if I am just the real me which is something I am embracing more and more each day.
Wow Joel, you really touched a place deep inside me with this piece. I could relate so much as a Mum, doing the same thing. Always feeling like I had to be something for my children, or be doing something for them. As if this was being a responsible Mum. Our children miss out on us when we live in this way, and we miss out on them. It is only a recent thing for me to simply allow myself to be me with my children, and not ‘do’ with my children To share with them who I truly am and not give them the mother role. It is going amazingly. And even better, I know there is so much more to come from this. Thank you for expressing this in words as you have done so eloquently. Your sharing here is a true blessing for anyone.
Such a beautiful sharing thank you Joel. Your words certainly brought up childhood memories for me. I wanted to spend more time with my father while I was growing up. I cannot ever remember having a heart to heart conversation with him that is until recently. Now in his mid eighties and living on his own I’ve made a choice to make the time to have those conversations and special time together,which include laughter and joy. Your words Joel ” I spend time with them without needing to show them anything – but just hangout. That’s beautiful – and so true.
Hard to add anything as your “just being me” revelation with yourself AND your kids is stopping me all over. That to me is a father living true connection with his kids- not in perfection but in truth. That to me is already being in a loving relationship with your kids. Your dedication to look into the mix-up of DOING and BEING brings it back to a simplicity: to BE a wise father doesn’t mean you also have to DO something.
So true Cathrin: “to BE a wise father doesn’t mean you also have to DO something.” – It´s so simple albeit we seemingly try to avoid simplicity at all costs. However, with blogs like this we are reminded that there is another way.
Beautiful Cathrin, and as you say “not in perfection but in truth” what a different starting point altogether!
This article is written in so much love.
Your Love is coming through in being the dedicated man/dad you already are – in just being not doing things, it doesn’t make a difference.
Thank you Joel
Thank Joel and to everyone for all your amazing comments.
Phew…how much pressure comes off us when we stop trying to live up to and perform “roles”such as father, mother, daughter, son, boss, mechanic, accountant, doctor and so on?
How much more are we and those around us able to feel, see, connect, enjoy, breathe, live when we are just being ourselves ?
Buying into and playing these many and various roles lock us up with seemingly no room to move or not the freedom and naturalness to be ourselves to enjoy being a person with likes and dislikes and who has the freedom of choice – of how we want to live our lives such as wanting to be in deeply loving and caring relationships rather than conforming or being told supposedly how it is or how we should be.
There is true joy to be had in connecting, building and developing true relationships with everyone which simply starts with how we are with our children, our parents, our partners, our siblings, our colleagues and the wider community. What a practicing ground with the love, care and big warm hearty hug we may have always craved or wanted awaiting.
So true of all relationships whereby we have a relationship with the role each other is playing rather than with each other’s true, authentic, intimate selves. Thank you Joel I love how you have presented this topic.
When I was young all I wanted was my dad to be with me, to hang out and talk with me, he never did because he was too busy working, being the provider or keeping fit.(no blame on him as Joel so well expresses he thought he was doing the right thing)
I was well into my early thirties when I asked him, with great trepidation, if he would like to go for a walk on the beach, just him and me. This was the first time we actually connected with each other and I realized that I did not know him even though we had lived in the same house for 22 years.
This blog is an inspiration for all men.
Wow Mary-Louise, what a comment “I did not know him even though we had lived in the same house for 22 years”. That is a pretty powerful comment which really taps into what Joel so honestly expressed. We can physically be in the same place, and do all the right things (in Joel’s case – reading books, helping out etc…) but are we really sharing who we actually are with those that are closest around us? This is an important conversation to be having.
Your words Joel speak of such a deep pain that I would dare to say that most people know well: “to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them”. The deep pain of a lack of true and deep connection with others that we crave for.
Truly appreciating your writing yet again, and the depth of true wisdom that you are offering to your sons and everyone around you, simply by ‘being you’ – and allowing people to feel ‘you’. As Monica has so beautifully expanded upon above, we can be so ‘comfortable’ in playing a part for someone (that we think has to be played), meanwhile not allowing others in to the realness and exquisiteness of the being that we are – and thereby loving them all the more…
I can relate to what you share here, as a single mum I too have got caught up in the doing, and not realising that me just being me is all my daughter really needs. Sure, things in life need to be done, but not at the expense of us being ourselves first and foremost.
What an inspiration you are Joel to your Dad, your sons and all of us as you allow yourself to see and feel a pattern that has played out for eons with men. You are now offering your sons an opportunity to choose another way simply by hanging out with them. I can also feel how freeing this must be as the doing and the trying is let go of.
This is an inspiring read Joel. I can note as a women, how in my own marriage, I enabled my partner to play this role. As you say this behaviour is learnt from a long lineage of fathers but also of mothers too, all playing parts enabling each other to not truly being ourselves. Thank heaven there is another way to be.
Wow Joel, this is a beautiful blog. I can relate to it very much even though I am not a father or mother (yet) it relates to all relationships! I can remember many times that when I am with someone we just talk about what is ‘wrong’ or just anything to fix. I can feel now that that is a distraction of simply being with each other and opening our hearts for each other. Thank you for sharing, very inspiring.
I also had a believe of how I should be as a role model to my daughters. It is so easy to fall for the “fix-it mode” and educating them to make the right choices in life. But knowing that children observe you all the time it can be very confusing to them to see that you are taking on a role instead of being the real you. So in all this trying ‘to do good’ and wanting them to grow up being all that they are, it is actually telling them to not be who they’are but to play a role to fit into the box.
Joel this is beautiful to read, the funny part is you sound like a wise and dedicated dad to me, naturally so.
Thankyou Joel – we can put all sort of labels, roles and expectations on how we perform. It feels like a complete set up to keep us away from that very tender part of us deep within, which actually keeps us separated from that part in others. I remember as a child just loving hanging our with my Dad. He worked very hard and very long hours to support the family as the ‘breadwinner’. I would love just sitting at the dinning table before I went to bed just chatting to him and Mum about the day while he ate. Then on weekends he would be doing his church work – which remains very important to him. I can feel from reading your article that it was him that I wanted to be with and felt quite sad that all the other things seemed to take priority. It’s only now that I truly see that he was honestly doing the best he could and I can now deeply appreciate him for who he is.
This article opens up the possibility of living in a world where men are supported and celebrated for being themselves, not championed for the roles they take on. There is a quality to this that changes everything and far from being a fairytale it is a real possibility when we open up to the big picture, the evil of competition and the fact that the current struggle men have, is hurting us all.
Beautiful to feel you breaking the pattern of the ‘wise and dedicated dads’ Joel … though as you say, vigilance is the key after generations of men being imprinted with these ideals while missing out on true connection.
OH
Thank you, beautiful blog about the doing and being as a parent. When I was young I was drawing my dads attention by being very naughty (to put it mildly). Untill recently , just before he died, I could tell him why I was behaving in such a way and that was because I just wanted to be with him, that he was present, nothing more and nothing less. And not that he was ‘doing’ or ‘solving’ things.
What an awesome sharing Joel, I can so much relate to what you are saying and I still feel the hurt from my own childhood and my parents not truly being with me. Always there and supportive, but not just being themselves.
Today bringing up two girls I learned what it truly means to be a mother and how true love is true presence and joy of being with them and holding them in their grandness without the constant need to do something.
Thanks Joel. I too have been undoing what I learned about fatherhood from my own father and the ideals society has created for us. My son is now 8 and I learn what it truly means to be a father on a daily basis. He has been one of the best teachers I could ask for. Learning to express my appreciation and love for my son has been one of my biggest challenges. When I think about it, it seems crazy that the most natural and truthful expression could be so difficult to be consistent with. So I have to ask myself and other fathers, why do we find it so difficult to say ‘I love you’ to our sons (and really mean it) on a daily and consistent basis?
To say ‘I love you’ to someone requires a relationship with love with ourselves. I could never say it because it jarred with all that I was living and felt like an alien expression forcing its way out because it was a ‘should’ to be said. Alongside my children (some of the greatest teachers I have ever had) and with the support of Universal Medicine I have developed a loving relationship with myself that means saying the words ‘I love you’ is a natural, confirming, lived and ever developing truth.
There is no hard facts on being a father. Just show and give your children all the love you can.
Appreciate what you have been given in your children. They are the greatest gift in life, one could ever have.
You present fatherhood in such a simple way. Although I am not a father I can relate to what you say. I can see in others how there is a pressure to live up to a model of how a father should be, and know certain things, and act out this as if following a template. Yet all we need to be is ourselves, the greatest gift any father can give their children.
I agree. The culture of fatherhood needs to be changed, generation after generation of fathers are making the same mistakes. Everyone looses and ends up frustrated, if only there was a fatherhood do over button !
Thank you for your expression Joel, the freedom to just be who we truly are with our children is a great gift to live as well as to give, for dads and mums as well as the children.
I’m not a parent, but can relate to what you’ve written Joel as it relates to any of our relationships if we take on a role rather than just being ourselves. What a gift to your sons having a father who is just himself, a loving and tender man. It gives your sons the space to just be themselves too.
Thank you Joel for sharing your experience of how leaving behind the role of “wise dad” has allowed you the freedom to simply be yourself and be a true parent. I can feel how this choice then gives your sons the space to simply be themselves without needing to fit into any roles such as playing the “dutiful child”.
Its indeed very important to be yourself in the father son relationship and don’t play the role of wise dad and good son. Both have a responsibility to connect and feel what they can bring to each other.
I heard an interview on the radio yesterday of a woman who has just written a book on men and fathering. It is obvious that many are still misled by more apparent equality these days in the home and bringing up children, missing the whole issue of a man just being who he naturally is, gentle and loving with his children. Instead they are still talking and writing about fatherhood as a role.
I can look back and see I’d spent years trying to be a good mother and it really didn’t work, apart from all else, it was totally exhausting! Parenting is widely written about and lectured on, there are many many opinions, so to read the simplicity of what you write is a breath of fresh air Joel; to develop ‘the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place’, is actually, all we need to know.
And there is so much more we can offer to a developing child by being who we are, instead of all the ideals that we impose on them when we take on roles to be a ‘good’ father, mother, brother, sister etc.
I find this article so touching. Firstly the level of tenderness and openness with which you express Joel and then on a personal level. It brings the awareness of how much as a parent I bought into the doing and therefore was not truly present when my daughter was young and growing, but it is never too late to change, as I am learning.
Awesome Jonathan – like you say its never to late to change.
Thank you, Joel, for the beautiful article. It’s so inspiring to read that just being you and to connect/engage/be committed to your sons from there is enough.
Another incredible writing Joel. I believe many, including myself, have fallen for this trick…the teaching, the doing. Along the way we have lost the importance of the be-ing. When we are able to stop and feel our children and see the pain caused in so do-ing it is evident that nothing comes close to truly just being us with them, always.
I loved my Dad but as a child could never understand the vast difference between what I felt him to be (sweetness and light) and how he presented himself (the man of the house).
It is amazing how observant and aware we are as children – totally able to see everyone for them not the roles they play.
It was really beautiful to read this sensitive account of the ideals and expectations men have placed upon then. Very enlightening.
This certainly is a great blog Joel, it really shakes up the ideal and very foundation on the whole fatherhood thing, these are words every father should read and ponder on. Thanks Joel
“What a set up we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” So beautifully said Joel and so very very true.
Wow Joel what a fantastic job you are doing! If the only time you are being with your sons is when you are telling, teaching, or showing them something then it leaves so much time that your presence goes missed, it’s an amazing turn around you have made just to be you, to be present within their lives all the time.
Wow Joel!!! I can see this in myself, instantly. For me to feel worthy of those relationships in my life, I totally try to fix things for people and so undoubtably I too will seek out things to fix. So whilst I am blindly pressing on being a great girlfriend, sister, daughter or friend “helping” all these people, from their point of view they must just see somebody constantly picking on them, which will hurt them. WOW! Which is exactly how it was for me as a child, never being celebrated, always being told “this is how you can do it better”. And no doubt this is how my parents were raised too. This blog has been very revealing for me, a penny and maybe even a pound just dropped for me Joel, thanks!
This is a great realisation Rachel, ‘So whilst I am blindly pressing on being a great girlfriend, sister, daughter or friend “helping” all these people, from their point of view they must just see somebody constantly picking on them, which will hurt them’, reading this brings awareness that I too do this, I often tell my family that they do not eat well and that this makes them ill, it’s great for me to be aware that this can feel to them like I’m constantly picking on them, a great one to ponder on.
A great revelation.
“What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.”
A beautifully honest sharing Joel, thank you.
I can really relate to doing the dad thing you have described Joel. For a job that doesn’t come with instructions we have all seemingly fallen into a role that is everything but who we truly are. Your blog is great to show new parents the process of being a great father or mother is just be ourselves.
Wow, this is awesome Steve: “the process of being a great father or mother is just be ourselves.”
This is a great wake-up call for me, Joel, as I can relate strongly to the need to fix things and find solutions for my family members, instead of just letting myself be me. What you brought to my attention too, is how that is actually attracting problems and complication into my life and affecting my family and others I work with too, because if there is a need to fix things to build a false sense of self-worth, then obviously I need something broken in the first place! Ouch! What I can say is that I have let go of the need to be the wise man with all kinds of worldly knowledge and factoids to pass down to my daughter to help her become ‘intelligent’. This is definitely not the way to foster true intelligence in our children, which needs to be based on what you have proposed here Joel…just being you in every moment.
Love it Michael, what you express about needing to fix and find solutions for your family does in fact attract more problems into life, I absolutely agree.
Thank you Joel, this is beautiful to hear and be reminded. It is so easy to fall for the doing, fixing and helping trap when it comes to our children and also with others. Yes, just being ourselves is the most loving ‘deed’ we can bring to anybody and from there everything unfolds.
I can also fall into the trap of thinking that i have to do something, to fix something and that just being me is not enough. But the truth is, more and more i experience that when i am present, when i listen and when i am just me, that this is very powerful. I can see that others also relax and that from that, the answer to whatever is needed just comes.
This is lovely Mariette, ‘But the truth is, more and more i experience that when i am present, when i listen and when i am just me, that this is very powerful. I can see that others also relax and that from that, the answer to whatever is needed just comes.’ This feels very simple and true, it’s great for me to read this and to trust that whatever is needed just comes when I’m present, rather than trying hard to work out the answer in my head, which just feels complicated and hard work.
Me too Mariette – I’ve also found that others often relax and seem more comfortable talking with me when I’m just being myself.
Deeply touching to read this again Joel. Thank you.
Thank you Joel for another great blog. While I don’t have children, what you have presented here feels equally relevant to the workplace and ‘the role’ of management. I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’ve used the role of responsibility as a form of protection to avoid just being myself and effectively hiding who I really am from my team members. And then as you point out, we all miss out. We all miss out on the joy, the honesty, the real-ness that true connection with another human being offers. It is such a simple wisdom – to ‘just be me’ – and so extraordinary powerful. And it feels like medicine to my Soul. Thank you.
Wow Stevie, you’re right it does open out to a manager role, any relationship I guess, that whole dynamic of looking for what we need to do, to fix and missing the ‘real-ness’ as you’ve put it. Thanks for broadening the topic.
Hi Stevie, an interesting analogy and one that I think applies in all walks of life – we play roles according to what we think is required in each situation and create relationships based on those roles. Good wife, husband, mother, father, manager, friend, neighbour, community worker, just about everywhere we go in life we have an opportunity to choose how to be. How much simpler, then, to be ourselves, all of the time.
To ‘just be me’ …. ‘feels like medicine to my Soul’ – love it Stevie, its so true!
Absolutely beautiful blog Joel. As a mother of teenage boys I can relate to it all. What is truly amazing is how you are breaking that old pattern of doing as you exposed when you wrote – ‘the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.’ Simply being instead – awesome!
I see the old patterns being broken every day when I observe fathers with their young children in the swimming pool, or the park, or shopping, and it is so different from how it was when I was young in the fifties. Now the whole family seems far more integrated, rather than separated by gender roles and rules that were once accepted and expected to be followed. This is very encouraging. But thank you Joel, for going much deeper, and revealing to us how easy it is to drop into those old patterns thinking we are “doing good”, and how becoming aware of it is so important to enable a turn around and a new and human approach to raising children.
I agree, Joan, I love seeing the way Dads take their turn in having the baby strapped to their chest, but I also see Dads who have spent a week with their children and who look forward to going back to work for a ‘rest’. I see adults hurrying their children along, even though they are on holiday, as if the children have to fit into the adult world and not the other way around. I love the way Joel says ‘But in truth, I was missing the most important element of fatherhood… just being me…’ We don’t need to perform as parents or try to be good parents, we simply need to be ourselves. It is far less exhausting, and a lot more fun for everyone.
Very true Jane. Thanks Joel for your insight and lovely expression of being dad. We can make the experience of being a parent quite complicated when it could be so beautifully simple, enlightening and full of learning. Children are wonderful teachers, from negative 9 months and up.
There is such a missed opportunity for real connection with our children when we feel we have to adopt the expected attributes of parenthood. My most cherished and valued memories of my late father are when we were together as equals, both out of any assumed roles, him just being himself and me just being me.
So true Amina, that is the set up, when we see other Mum’s and Dad’s rushing around doing things for their children, we may feel we have to do this too, yet all children want, is for parents to be them selves and be there for them without all the rushing and doing.
‘I can feel the pain of being in close proximity to someone we live with and yet not feel that true closeness with them, in just being ourselves together’, I can feel this too Susan, reading these words I can feel the sadness in living with someone and not feeling that true closeness, I can feel how easy it is to override this feeling and pretend everything is ok when in truth just being ourselves together is our natural way of being and so of course it hurts to not live in this way.
Those times of just being with our children seem to allow for a spontaneity in the moment, it brings to mind my child’s appreciative comments of those spontaneous moments, but what I can feel now is how she was also appreciating the space that was allowed in those moments of being together without the usual agenda.
It is inspiring to read Joel’s new unfolding relationship with his sons free of roles and knowledge, breaking this way of relating is open to us all if we are willing to let go of what we know and feel comfortable with. Awesome.
Great realisation Amina, there is so much pressure placed on Mums or Dads to have all the right answers and do it a certain way. It also made me realise how much pressure is placed upon us in many different roles we have created in society, be it at work, in relationships etc. when really all we have to do is be ourselves.
What you present here is true for almost everyone! Trying to be something that’s not me is something I know way too well, I love the simpe truth you have presented here – try and you won’t be truly sharing yourself with another person, yet simply be yourself and any relationship will blossom.
Lovely Meg, very simple and true, ‘try and you won’t be truly sharing yourself with another person, yet simply be yourself and any relationship will blossom.’
I can relate to trying to be something other than my true self also, and I still have to remind myself that I do not have to be anything for anybody. It’s so much lighter and easier without the trying.
‘This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working.’
I think this is at play on so many levels in so many areas of life, I know it has been a way of life for me. Bringing in self appreciation and acceptance of myself is helping me turn this around.
Agreed Michelle, by looking for problems and then trying to fix them it means there is no “time” to just be me. I’d not really considered why I’ve put so much effort into finding problems to fix rather than appreciate and accept, but Joel lays it out clearly in a way I can relate to.
Its so true Michellle, its similar to leaving things to the last minute so you get the stress rush… looking for what’s not right so we get to be helpful…. it’s really subtle, really sneaky and really harmful.
Very true Joel …….looking for what’s not right so we get to be helpful is something that can make us look good at the time, as it looks as though we are the fixer or the solution to a problem, but it is sneaky and really harmful and usually ends up being exposed as such.
What a wonderful blog post Joel…loved it. The one thing I always wanted from my dad, or either of my parents for that matter was for them to spend time with me and just be themselves. They were of course very good providers, but that wasn’t really enough. It seemed that I followed this pattern with my kids too, but even though they are now adults themselves, they get more of ME than ever before now.
This also reminds me of an interview I saw of 26 kindergarten kids that were asked to write two letters, one to ‘Santa’ for what they wanted for ‘Christmas’ and the other letter was to their parents to say what they would like from them. Every child wrote to Santa, asking for bikes, toys, pony, etc etc, but in the letter to their parents, not one of them asked for a toy or any ‘thing’, all they asked for was for them to spend TIME with them and to PLAY with them and not work so hard or be cranky at the end of the day. The kids were then asked, if they could send just one letter, which one would they choose and they all chose to send the one to their parents…how lovely 🙂 All of the letters were given to the parents and wow, should have seen their response…they all cried…and I’m sure to many, made a difference to how they continued to parent.
Oh Sue, I would cry too reading those…how beautiful & says it all really…we all want the same thing…to be met with the simplicity of love knowing that there is nothing more exquisite than the expression of the love within us all.
Great story Sue, I can resonate with the Kindergarten Kids big time.
Joel this is a simple and powerful sharing, equally relevant to Mums as well as Dads. I particularly love your insight about how we use our assumed responsibilities to avoid being ourselves. “I can get the sense of this lineage of ‘wise and dedicated dads’, all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves.”
This may seem an absurd statement to many people but I myself know how difficult it can be to stop the doing of parenting and simply hang out with my son. It is often easier to just keep doing, to keep busy, rather than stopping to feel what’s really happening around you and within you. I’ve also noticed that if I’m doing mothering I don’t truly feel what’s happening for my son and then things can get messy. We are both more joyful and playful when are simply ‘being’ with each other.
I love this Michelle.. “stop the doing of parenting and simply hang out ‘
What you say Joel so makes sense – I put so much effort into ‘trying to be a good mother’ and made life so complicated. On the occasions when when I allowed myself to just be me it was so simple, and I was able to enjoy those moments with my children.
Great blog Joel, it really hurts when our loved ones are in a way close but that we also can feel that we are not really with them. It’s awful that we repeat the same patterns we have seen with our own father and that we know that it hurts. Why do we choose to be the “wise and dedicated” father if we have experienced the same in our childhood ourselves? Could it be that this is a kind of set up, that by maintaining this type of father linage we are not able to make another choice, the choice to be ourselves? I feel it only needs one father to change this behaviour and he will change this for all future generations. So what are we waiting for? A call to all fathers, let’s start to live from ourselves, me being me.
A great call Nico, a reflection now that will affect future generations – just to be ourselves, being rather than doing – as fathers, as mothers and also in every relationship we are in. Thank you.
Beautiful Nico, and it is inspiring that there are people who are willing to look at this and work on changing automatic behaviours which in turn will help to change the ‘normal’ way of parenting in general.
A super honest article sharing how relationships are so, so much more than the ‘hat’ we think a role asks of us. I love this sentence…’I spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.’…. simply beautiful
It feels really important what you have shared here, Joel, and provides an opportunity for us all to reflect on any hurt we may still carry from being the child whose parents were unavailable, or the parent who feels bad about having been unavailable. As Stephanie mentions above, this is something that has been passed on generation after generation throughout these modern times, and it hurts so much because we know inside that there is a different way of being together.
I think this is really beautifully said Janet and yes, an opportunity to reflect on childhood hurts.
I agree Amina, the pressure on mums and dads the world over is enormous and wanting to “get it right” for our children coupled with not wanting to make the same mistakes our parents did. Perhaps the only thing that needs to change, as you have so eloquently shared in your blog Joel, is that we need to let go of ideals and beliefs of what parenting is and just be ourselves.
Children do want to connect with who we really are, rather than what we do as parents. I can recollect this from my experience with my own parents and also how my children look at me now. They look into my eyes and they want to connect with ‘me’ nothing more and nothing less, no need for any razzle dazzle or ‘doing’. It can feel exposing at times for me to be ‘myself’ mainly because I feel sad that this is not how I have been all the time, I am learning to be more understanding with myself and allow for these shifts without berating myself and I am learning to appreciate what I bring to the world. This blog is a great inspiration to be ourselves. Which is a wonderful reflection to offer our children, when I can feel deeply that for them being content to be themselves is what life is about.
Thank you , Joel, so simply and succinctly put. Anything we do that is in avoidance of us being ourselves, however ‘good’ it might look, is a departure from the natural service we bring to life when we value ourselves, just for being us. Everyone else gets to see and feel this and have the opportunity to choose that for themselves. That is true parenting.
Beautifully put Matilda, and true parenting does not mean just looking after our own children, but being ourselves with each and every person we meet and treating them as an equal with absolute respect.
This beautyful blog reveals for me not to get caught up in ideals and beliefs and certain roles – how we think we have to be to be a good father. These are all constructed concepts. Joel describes beautyfully, ‘only when we allow ourselves and others just to be themselves that true connection can happen’.
Well said, Joel, I can certainly relate to what you expose as I too have played the ‘fixer’ and not allowed myself to just be. I could always see something ‘wrong’ and how I could make it ‘right’ what an illusion! There is no right or wrong only the truth! And that truth is how I live my life in and with my body.
It is true Amina, these pressures can be found for Mums and Dad to do anything but be themselves.
What I feel Joel is that we as parents think we need to have a solution. To solve the problems and give advice even when the kids are grown up and have kids of their own. We feel responsible for their choices and looking for the problems as you describe it in your blog. Do we fail when our kids develop themselves in another way than we would like them to, do we fail when we do not have the solution for their problems? Could it be we do not have to worry we do not have the solution, that we are the answer by just being who we truly are?
Its an interesting one isn’t it, because ‘just being me’ isn’t enough either. kids do need guidance and direction, I realised though that I have been doing this from a ‘picture’ of what it means to be a ‘good’ parent and a ‘wise’ dad…which is an ideal where no one wins.
Wow Joel, this is so exposing of the misunderstanding that we can live if we don’t stop to unravel what’s really been going on: “to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know”
Wow Joel, I can feel the love you have for your sons in your article and I am so glad to feel the preciousness of you just being you with them. I love just being with my dad, whether he’s being himself or in a dad role, and love that you’ve presented how lovely it is to truly be you with your children and given yourself and those who see you and this article another option for how to be with our families and others.
Who would have thought Joel that the wisest dad of all was the one who was ‘just being himself’. Awesome blog.
A beautiful blog, Joel, and very relevant to me as a mother too! I was always too busy with the doing things for my children rather than just hanging out with them being me. They are now in their mid forties, and I can still find myself in that mode, but thankfully it is so much less and I recognise it as soon as I start it, so can now stop it.
Beautiful blog Joel. Although I don’t have children and I have never known my father, I can certainly relate this to other relationships. In the past I definitely went through life needing to be the one with all the answers or solutions. I had to be seen ‘doing’ or I felt I wasn’t of value. Over the last few years, thanks to the presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I have realised that just ‘being me’ is enough and ironically I have found that the ‘being’ is more productive than the ‘doing’.
Amazing Tim, for me I often stick my head in other people’s business and try to solve their emotional issues so I can prove to everyone that I am a ‘loyal and worthy’ friend… When I work myself into this constant problem searching state it can be hard to stop! Quite a deadly momentum I must say.
Great point Tim and I can really relate. I also have no children but have definitely fallen into the role of ‘fixer’ in friends and relatives lives. I’m also realising that just being me is enough and more so it offers others the grace and respect to find their own truth and learning.
Beautifully said Joel and thank you for sharing this with us. I can relate to the ‘doing’ just to be accepted. I have done it in the past, not as a Dad but just in everyday life and still keep doing it in a more subtle way today, but there is work in progress.
Joel, what you have said here applies way beyond the father/son relationship, thank you for showing me this. I have recently found myself wondering why at times I can’t talk equally to all my family members; I have noticed that I sometimes speak to certain people in a slightly different way than how I would with others, in a way that doesn’t feel right or comfortable at all, and your blog has helped me see that when I do this, it is because I am speaking as if I have, or ought to have the answers. This type of thing plays out in workplaces too, where we can think that we are the sum total of the knowledge or skills that we bring, and as a result forget to bring the most vital thing, ourselves.
This is very touching, Joel. Thank you.
This is great Joel, I can relate to what you have written, as a mum that can take on a role rather than just being me. This is a really supportive article and one I will ponder on. I loved reading how you now, ‘spend time with them, without needing to show them anything, but just hang out.’ So simple.
A great blog for everyone as if we are not a father or mother we are a son or daughter. Your writing clearly presents the importance of not subscribing to any ideal of how we should be simply because we expect another to behave a certain way or be there to make us feel good in that role. I know I have gone down this road as a parent and as my children have grown into teenagers the cracks start to show in this way of parenting. This is great as it exposes me and my lack of simply being myself because what I ‘did’ was the most important way to be a parent. Now though we are rebuilding and learning together that being our natural selves is what matters. Thank you Joel.
Yes, I agree Julie. This blog is relevant to all not just fathers. It’s sad that we are so conditioned not to be our natural selves that we forget what that feels like and what that is.
I love what you have shared here, Julie, and can very much relate to the ‘cracks’ starting to show as the children grow older. What a blessing to be part of a family that is willing to ‘go there’, to expose the false paradigm of parenting so that ‘being our natural selves is what matters’.
That is really inspiring to hear Julie and takes a lot of honesty to see this, so you can rebuild and grow together just being all who you naturally are.
Hi Joel, I found these words deeply touching: ‘I see and feel the same feelings within me from my own childhood and what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them.’ Our children miss out when we are not being fully present with them all of the time.
Joel, this is another really awesome blog thank you. I love what you share here, and can really identify with it, both from the child’s perspective and from that of being a mum. I too made my life all about ‘doing’, and am re-learning it is acceptable to just be me. In fact it is amazing, glorious, wonderful and joy-full to just be me! Imagine the difference connecting with our children from this perspective instead of ‘doing’!
Thank Joel, for this very inspiring blog. Why not consider just being me…? This sentence is so powerful. I can relate to trying to do things and thinking that i have to be something. When we have kids over from friends i can find myself doing things to entertain them or thinking that i have to be funny or that we have to do something, while in fact me just being me is more than enough. Kids respond to that and i can see them relaxing. The less i do and the more i am just me, without any need to do something or fix something, there is more space for me and for the other to truly meet and then things just unfold. When there is no trying, we can all relax and just be with each other.
Beautiful Mariette, so simple and so true what you expressed, when there is no trying, we can all relax and just be with each other.
Yes Mariette, kids respond when we are ourselves, what you describe is something a lot of grandparents fall for to, I have to do something with my grandchildren otherwise I will not be the funny grandfather/mother, it will be boring to be or stay with us. In the contrary when we offer our true selves to children whether we are in the role of a father, mother, aunt, uncle, friend or grand father/mother or even when we connect to a child in the supermarket etc it is the most precious gift we can give to them.
A great reflection Joel, thank you. It highlights to me the cycle of how one’s parents were raised models to them how to parent and so it flows on through the generations. It made me think about how important it is to educate parents, and parents to be, about how to connect to their beautiful selves and how to be really present and connected with their children as a way of setting a new foundation for a new cycle of how we raise children.
Thank you Joel, this is an amazing sharing. I can also feel the roles you nominate in fatherhood as a reflection of what I myself have put on myself in the ‘motherhood role’. Your sharing also allowed me to have an understanding of the role playing and pressure that my father may have felt and this allows me to bring more understanding to that relationship.
You are amazing, thank you!
Yes because you just being you allows them to just be them and that’s when the magic really starts to happen : )
Thank you for being so honest Joel and I could really relate to hiding behind being overly responsible in many relationships within my family. As I am letting go of the roles I have set myself up with it has had an amazing impact in how I am around my family and we are all enjoying the benefits.
Beautiful, and relevant for me to this day Joel – always trying to be something for my kids and missing the whole point of just being me, and sharing that with my kids good or bad. Thank you.
I love your wise words in this article Joel and feel the dedication of being you first before the doing. Priceless. It warms my heart knowing that you and other men and woman that have been inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are cutting through some these very old rigid lineal ways of bring up children and by Living the Love that you are first offers these amazing relationships and endless wisdom.
Thank you Joel, for this beautiful description of the unfolding “being-me Dad”. It brought up to me immediately the remembering of exactly this difference I felt as a child from my father and how precious, beautiful and timeless these moments were, when he was just himself, sharing this with me and the rest of the familiy. He has been passed away for a few years now but with just now through your blog I realize, that these few times were so strong and therefore able to build up a confidence to life in me.
The power of “being me”. Thank you.
Thank you, Joel. This is touching to read and I can relate to it very much. The tendency to try and want to fix things, especially the ‘distance’ in the relationships with our kids, is challenging to let go of. As you say, just being there with the family and being willing to bring all of ourselves to the dinner table can change things, without having to ‘do’ anything.
This is brilliant Joel, it just goes to show the trap of the roles we play and the effect it can have on our children. How great is it for you to have realised now and are able to give your sons the opportunity to know the real you.
Thankyou Joel for your insightful blog .
Thank you Joel for sharing this with us – even as one who isn’t a dad I can see how I have used the same behaviours of the ‘doing’, completely forgetting about the necessity of the ‘being’ for whoever I am with. A universal truth not just for dad’s, but for humanity as a whole…..beautiful.
I agree so relevant for all of our relationships. We all get caught up in the ‘doing’ and roles whether it be parent,friend ,sister and forget that what is remembered and felt most deeply between us all is how we made someone feel by just being there and sharing ourselves with each other .
Another brilliant article Joel. So many men aspire to be a great dad, the provider, the back bone of the family. But so often it is not the money in the bank but the gold in their hearts that is needed in the family.
Well said and true Rebecca.
It might take a while for people to realise that it is not what they do, but the quality they are that makes the difference in relationships and life, and this is something to really aspire to: ‘it is not the money in the bank but the gold in our hearts that is needed’.
I love this…. ” it is not the money in the bank but the gold in their hearts that is needed in the family.” …that is gold.
A very wise and salient blog Joel. Often we offer the most when we try the least, certainly in the sense of trying to be something as you so beautifully conveyed, just being you is more than enough for your sons, and it makes such sense, why would they need for you to be any more than just you. Awesome!
It is such a beautiful blog Joel thank you. When you say “I was always looking for the problem, always looking for what was broken or not working” It is so true. It is strange how we humans tend to focus on what is not going well. I am constantly learning to appreciate the beauty of my life and who I am in the world.
Just today I was talking to another mother about the ideals we still carry about being a mother. I saw how trying to live up to those ideals leaves our kids with less of the truly amazing and unique women we are. Being all of who we are as women and men, naturally brings our children all they need to simply be all of who THEY truly are.
I love your honesty Joel – it’s incredible you are making the choice to break the cycle of being a ‘wise and dedicated Dad’, and are committed instead to being YOU! I am not a parent, but when you said; ‘This means at some level I was always looking for the problems, always looking for what was broken and not working’ I can completely relate. Often at school I take up the ‘motherly’ or ‘big sister’ role with my friends, and am always looking for problems and issues I can fix… this often ends up with me exhausted and therefore not able to be my full, vital self with my friends or family.
I am so feeling you on this one Susie, as when reading Joel’s blog I realised this is what I do too, I try to ‘fix’ things, go looking for what is broken and not working and try and sort everything out, and in turn I get totally exhausted and drained because I’m taking on everyone else’s stuff – a great excuse and way of avoiding committing to life in full and the responsibilities I have.
Lovely Susie, it is so true that we can find a way to ensure we are ‘doing’ life in any situation and circle
Great insight, Susie. I have suffered from over-responsibility which should really be called super-imposition, forever on the prowl, just in case there is something to rectify, set right, fix, undo, redo, etc. And thus, I have also been looking for problems and issues wherever and whenever and as you say, it is a very exhausting way to live and serves no one.
I agree with this. I have noticed that when my kids or my wife call my name one of my default responses is ‘what’s the problem?’ I just assume there is some problem or issue that needs sorting and that I am the man for the job. It is amazing and crazy how much we define our worth or value in life by what we do.
Awesome sharing Susie, I have lived my life this way, trying to find worth in what I could do for another and therefore always looking for what needed to be fixed. Living this way shows how I was not feeling enough as I was and the roles I took on were to compensate for this.
A great addition to the discussion Susie. Because what Joel is writing about is relevant to each and every relationship – whatever the age dynamic, blood dynamic, or with totally unconnected people. For example, I work as a Television Director so I am, in essence, the “Dad” of the family. And I endeavour to conduct myself in a very similar way as to how Joel is describing. By being just me and by treating everyone as absolute equals it enables the crew to be everything that they are to the family and enables the family to work as a unified and inspired whole. As soon as I play the role of the Director (Dad), then they shrink back and just do what they need to do to please me and get through the day. This is the same in every single relationship.
Wow, Joel I love your honest sharing and can resonate so to what you write. The same goes for me being a mum who was always doing and arranging things. And by all the doing missed out on truly connecting and building a deeper relationship with my children. I feel so blessed I came to these realizations (thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine) and have started to simply/only be me with my children. As my children don’t live with me, but with their dad I first fell for the ideal of being the perfect mum when they are around. Because they are there fortnightly it had to be great when we are together. Of course this put an enormous pressure on our time together. Allowing myself to be myself and simply hang out with my children allowed the love for each other to be there and felt. We all love it.
The feeling of being in close proximity to someone, but missing a real connection is all too real for me and it feels very sad when I let myself be aware of it. I do want the real connection, but I have been waiting for the other person to bring this to me, and now realise that I can bring this for myself and to others. I do keep struggling with letting go of the needs, the doing and the judgements, but when I can just allow myself to be me, with out pressure on myself or others, then it is natural, effortless and the connection with myself and others is very precious. We all have the power to change our relationships to what we really would like them to be…
This is a great reminder Laura, thank you, ‘We all have the power to change our relationships to what we really would like them to be…’
I agree Laura this ‘just being’ applies to all relationships, including the ones we have with ourselves…and part of that, is accepting the beauty of me that I can bring when I allow myself to be me, not ‘just’ in a trivialising way but as a celebration of all that we truly can be naturally.
Joel this is a very powerful message for as a man the urge to do and fix is very strong. I enjoyed the simple message that “being me” is what is really needed and it was lovely to get that perspective on parenting which I feel can relate to many other things as well.
I too have been seeing the sadness in peoples eyes and feeling it to be about this common situation where we may be “close” to someone but not really ‘be with’ them.
I feel this way of holding back gets “set up” when we don’t feel “met” by our parents and then we learn the same behaviour they modeled of not quite connecting to others; of being in a ‘role’ instead of just BEing ourselves.
We are ALL role models all of the time! By being yourself you give others permission to be themselves; you make it safe.
With the inspiration of Serge and Universal Medicine, I have felt free to practice just being myself and allowing myself to be seen and felt more… and it feel SO right.
Imagine if more of us understood and trusted that just being who we are offers MORE than ANY role we could master!
I love this comment, Jo. If we are all in the same boat, being slightly protected and not completely connecting to each other – where is the love? As you say, it is up to all of us to make sure we heal the hurt of not being met, so that we can embrace life and love in full again.
‘We are ALL role models all of the time! By being yourself you give others permission to be themselves; you make it safe’. I love the truth and the simplicity in this sentence Jo, it really stood out for me today.
Totally agree Jo …. Imagine if we were all taught,shown, understood and trusted. Sadness there would not be.
Great blog Joel. I can totally relate to this as a father myself – confusing dedication, knowledge and doing things as being loving. It’s true we can hide behind these roles as fathers and fool ourselves we are ticking all the boxes. But having the real ‘quality time’ with the people we live with only comes from not playing a role and just being ourselves. I still get fooled by the being a ‘responsible parent’ game whilst conveniently forgetting perhaps to actually take the ultimate responsibility – that is to be all of me in all my relationships.
Joel, this a a great example about how we have made life about doing. I know I have felt my worth was based on what I had done or achieved. It has taken a while for me to accept that just being me is enough. It’s still something I am working on. It’s lovely to know you are now spending time with your sons just being you. They now get to feel from you that its OK to just be themselves.
Great Joel, Another example of all we need to do is be ourselves. I was a “good “dad making everything work, and it was exhausting. With support from Serge Benhayon and the Esoteric Practitioners, i have started to just be me in all parts of my life. That is the way to truly inspire children to just be themselves: parenting by example works and is not exhausting.
Beautiful and honest piece of writing Joel, and the wisdom you share. I loved: ‘ all who do everything they can for their kids and families but who use that responsibility to avoid just being themselves’. I can relate to what you have shared I fell into the same ‘doing’ instead of just being myself with my own children when they were growing up. Us adults mostly forget our children carry their own wisdom, so there is nothing to do but just be myself.
Agreed, Jacqueline. Why do we take on the role of ‘the one who knows’ and has all the answers, when our children have their own wisdom? It is dishonouring to them and puts so much pressure on ourselves, rather than being open to exploring what is true together as a family.
Here, here, jacqmcfadden04! Us adults do mostly forget our children carry their own wisdom! When my son was younger there were times when he managed to stop me in my tracks and get me to listen, to feel and to hear what he was trying to communicate to me. Those times were few and far between as I rushed around in the busy-ness of life but I always found that when I did stop long enough and became still enough to truly be with my son and consider what he was communicating to me in his own little way, in the end it always made sense and the flow of life was, for that short while, more harmonious. Through the teachings of Serge Benhayon I have come to know that those harmonious moments do not have to be fleeting or few and far between, that they can become a way of life if one chooses it to be so, and that it all starts with me just being myself. My true self.
Loved what you shared Brigitte, and so true. My children had a hard time stopping me in my tracks, as i was always on the go, rushing around everywhere. My father called me the ‘road runner’! I can feel how frustrating that must be for our children not to be heard or given the space for them to express, and harmful at the same time. If we give our children the space to express their wisdom, grace is two-fold, in that not only do we truly meet them, but they support us, as parents, to be our true selves. Thank you Brigitte. Because it is through them expressing that we can truly connect to them and meet them.
In recent years I have committed to the quality of my beingness when I am with my son and the quality of his being has developed and deepened to the point that I am in absolute awe of the depth of his beauty.
Joel, this article is a must read for all the ‘wise & dedicated mums’ too…so relevant for us all.
And yes how easy it is to believe that the ‘doing’ is more important than the ‘being’. We start as kids knowing its about the ‘being’ first and feeling our way, then jump on the bandwagon of ‘doing’ to fit in, and then one day we wake up & come to our senses and spend the rest of our life undoing the ‘doing’ to get back to just simply ‘being’ our natural lovely selves…
Joel. I enjoyed reading your blog. As a father I try and do what I think is right for our children as they grow up. Sometimes we get it right, and other times it can go pear shaped. Children are wise souls, and they will tell us what is good for them and what is not. Just give them all the love and care you can as they grow. They will always appreciate what you have done for them in life.
Thank you Joel for this is beautiful, heartfelt, poignant blog.
This pain of having either one or both parents ‘unavailable to’ us as children, is something that has carried on through generations as the what we ‘do’ rather than ‘being’ who we are. We know there is so much more somewhere and the external focus of looking for love outside of ourselves continues until we realise this.
“I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them, but at the same time being unavailable unless I was telling, teaching or showing them something”. How lovely it is you are addressing this now for not only your sons, but for all to appreciate.
This is profound Joel and I can identify similar ‘lineages’ on me too, even not being a father myself. How interesting is it that we use a ‘seemingly’ responsibility to avoid taking true responsibility for being who we truly are.
Wow this is great Joel – I never had thought of how it could be ‘harming’ to have experienced a ‘wise and dedicated dad’, all that we are told as ‘unacceptable’ by society is the ‘not caring’ dad, and the wise and dedicated ‘version’ is actually idealised. But that’s all it is – a version of a role, when what you have presented is that if you are playing a role with your sons/daughters then it isn’t actually the real you.
I may not be a father (or a man for that matter) but I can really relate to what you have shared.
How could I have been taught to parent any other way when that was your role model? I love how there is no judgement here just a case of not having known otherwise. Now you do you can change all of that and that other way can be seen by others to also see that there is more than one way to life.
Joel this is a beautiful reminder for all men that as fathers we don’t need to become a ‘super – dad’ who can make or fix anything and who knows everything, but simply be there for them and allow them to see and feel our tenderness and fragility
Lovely Peter. What a beautiful reflection for our kids with Dads just being there for their kids and allowing fragility and tenderness to be seen and felt.
A powerful reflection Peter indeed: ‘simply be there for them and allow them to see and feel our tenderness and fragility’. So very needed to reflect this true way, a true role model for males not only in our families, in society too.
Dear Joel this is beautiful and deeply touching thank you. I love your words of dedication, that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place. So wise and true. This is so important as it sheds light on and breaks down the misconceptions and beliefs we take on about parenting and all the harm this causes under the light of being the best parent to our children which we all try to be. It is Serge Benhayon who is inspiring me and so many others what true love, true parenting and true relationships are by his own reflection. Thank you.
Thank you Joel for this deeply inspiring and clearly loving account of your relationship with your sons. I can relate to this need to do and although very slowly I have been working on letting go of the drive to achieve, I can still allow it to take over. What your blog has so beautifully described is that being ourselves is all that is required and it is a reminder, as Serge Benhayon has presented for many, many years that choosing ourselves and connecting to who we truly are is the key. In essence “Be Love” (Serge Benhayon), as you are so beautifully being.
Thank you for sharing Joel, I can relate to what you are saying and I have always felt the need to be doing something to prove myself rather than knowing that simply being me is more than enough. It is not about what we do, or what we know but who we are and how we are with others that I feel is important.
‘It is not about what we do, or what we know but who we are and how we are with others that I feel is important.’ – Very well said James, and we all have our part to play in showing and reflecting to others this wisdom.
Beatifully said James, how we naturally are with others and ourselves is so important, rather than constantly relying on what we do and what we know to provide us with a safe image to hide behind.
Thank you James, I can feel myself in your words “I have always felt the need to be doing something to prove myself rather than knowing that simply being me is more than enough.” and a true healing to read them and feel the truth and simplicity in your words. Simply being me is more than enough – how amazing would it be if every child grew up knowing this truth.
Beautiful Joel. So many Dads go through life believing that they have to ‘do’ something to be a good Dad. What pressure this puts them under to ‘perform’ as a Dad. How wonderful that you have seen this in your own behaviour and have shared your uncovering and understanding of it. You shine the light for a new way forward and create the possibility for yourself and others of sharing true relationships in the future.
And reading your comment I realised that we often respond to this pressure by expecting so much of our fathers and other people. Amazing how ‘taking the pressure’ off has a knock on effect.
Very true Michelle. How many expectations did we have of our own fathers which were impossible for them to live up to…? And underneath all that all we truly wanted was Love. How refreshing and welcome it would be to communicate all of this in our relationships, dropping the expectations and accepting ourselves and each other simply as human beings who want to connect.
Hi Joel,
thank you so much for sharing this. My whole life as a father (30 years) I was unsure what a father should be and stumbled through various approaches and tried to fix myself into a role image. I learnt in the last years: only holding myself and my sons in love, is building foundation in our relationship, in their life and in mine. Better late than never.
… and it´s a great and gorgeous feeling.
That is so beautiful to hear Michael, that even when your sons are grown up, you have been able to let go of the ideals and images of being the perfect Dad and just hold your sons and yourself in Love. It is a great and gorgeous feeling and it is NEVER to late to bring Love into the family by just being ourselves.
Thank you, Michael. ‘Better late than never’ indeed. Nobody ever teaches you how to be a parent, and if you are disconnected to your own love, you will turn to ‘shoulds’ and ‘have tos’ in order to do the best job you can as a parent, looking outside of yourself for the answers. I can relate to the ‘gorgeous feeling’ in letting go of all of that.
Thank you, Michael. And there is never a too late which is super liberating and a great call to make the shift now, rather than festering in regret.
A wonderful message to all of us. Better late than never. How often do we see people who have given up in a relationship – crippled by the knowledge that they were responsible for their part in it, but unable to actually accept that responsibility – and thus evolve. That is the power of what you are doing Michael – not just changing the relationship – but also inspiring others (and your sons) to take responsibility and to know that it is never too late.
As a woman I really enjoyed reading this male perspective of how we are in our relationships. It is a set up we have all fallen for ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’.
It is really great that you are breaking the cycle of generations and your boys being part of it for if they become fathers, they know another way.
Goodness Joel what an important topic you raise. “Doing’ (and with the best of intentions) can be such a powerful addiction behind which we hide our hurts and insecurities, and so do not truly share ourselves.
So true, Jonathan. Doing in all its many guises truly is an addiction and a strong fortress we use to shield and protect ourselves – only thing is, it doesn’t really work, no matter how hard we try.
Great sharing Joel – thank you for your honesty. It’s so inspiring to hear how you’re changing a long running pattern and in the process bringing more love and awareness to your family. What a gift we bring to our children when we see beyond the beliefs and behaviours we ourselves have been raised with and know that it’s enough to simply be ourselves – that’s all we ever want as children.
Very true Heather, it is such a gift to be able to break out of the entrenched habits we were raised with and offer our children the opportunity to know us for who we really are. It is ‘all we ever want as children’ and what an amazing gift that is.
Beautiful insight Joel. I didn’t realize what I had been ‘doing’ until our sons were adult and that my self-imposed role of problem-solver parent was creating a separation between us. Our relationships blossomed when I accepted that to just be me was enough and we all support each other from our different strengths.
Mary your comment has prompted me to consider how I feel when someone steps in and problem solves for me and to reflect on how I sometimes step in and try problem solve for another when actually they’ve not asked me to.
Offering instant solutions doesn’t ask the other person to look at how they may have played a part in creating a situation. I feel how, by being myself and honouring the other person equally so, allows them the space to explore a situation without judgment and allows them to take responsibility if they so choose.
I love the simplicity of your message Joel, that being ourselves is all that is needed. We have fallen for the set up, “that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.”
Agree Rachel. And is it possible that if we as parents play a role and not truly be ourselves – then we influence our children to act that way too?
Yes Hannah I feel it is extremely possible that when anyone is not truly being themselves it influences others to not be themselves too. This in turn only encourages the same vicious circle to feed itself and so it goes round and round and round..
Love it Joel, Although as a dad and husband there is quite often something to fix or a bit of advice needed it is just so great to look at being a dad from the wise words you have laid out and just being there as yourself is enough if you are truly there.
Awesome Kevin – being your self doesn’t necessarily mean giving advice or being able to see answers to problems, it just means that when you do it you aren’t identified by the outcome and what is more evident than your words is your love for the people you are supporting.
“I didn’t consider just being me was an option”; that sentence just stays with me after reading your blog Joel. Why don’t we consider just being ourselves i wonder, whether it is with parenting or with other roles we take on in life, like being a partner or a daughter or a friend. Thank you for sharing this, very inspirational.
I agree Mariette, when I allow myself to just be me it feels amazing! So the question has to be asked why do I not allow myself to be me all the time?
Thank you Joel for sharing your way of being a wise and dedicated dad for your two sons. What really touched me is the point you raise “What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” It seems to be a minor difference between the two but when I look to my relations with my children I can feel the great harm I do by choosing for such a way of living. Not only by not having a true relation with my children, but also by my contribution in maintaining this way to be as a father for future generations of fathers.
Hello Joel,
Thank you so much for your blog. I never wanted to be a parent because I always found it in a way too complicated because of all these hidden and not so hidden rules and the pressures parenting comes with. All the ‘intelligent’ books which come with good advice to be a perfect parent – it is like they would say, we are too ‘dumb’ to feel what is needed. So therefore I absolutely like it that you bring it back to the very easy fact that we as parents only need to be ourselves – wunderbar
A great point, Ester. There’s so much ‘advice’ out there which is very dictatorial, nowhere tells us to just be us! More than awe-some but awe-lots!
I love this….there are SOOOO many rules (often conflict) that either come from the anxiety of getting it wrong or a sense of leaving the kids to their own accord…none of it is about backing yourself and getting in there 100% as you. Because just being you, in truth isn’t enough, we need to be us AND in our childrens lives.
Awesome Ester, what you’re saying is so true – the most important ingredient to parenting is trusting in your own ability to love another when you are just yourself.
So true Ester. Parenting has been so over intellectualised. Joel’s beautiful blog really breaks this down to the truth that what children want and need is us . A connection to the people in their life who raise them. This is a feeling and not something that can be theorised, studied or learned.
Thank you for sharing this Joel.
It really does expose the way we have set up approval – and how important it is when it comes to children’s development.
There is such a need for children to please in order to be rewarded – and we’ve lost the ability to just be ourselves along the way.
What you now see and understand with your children – and the importance of simply being with them – will be a huge healing for you and for them. I hope they read this gorgeous blog too – so they can see the difference and are aware that there is always a choice to play the reward game or not.
I completely agree Hannah
Wow Joel, this is truly beautiful. I have a wise and dedicated Dad whom I love dearly. He has devoted his life to this purpose and I have noticed he is now beginning to let go of some of the doing and be more of who he truly is with a deeper connection. The more he reveals of himself, the more I am amazed at the depth of his sweetness, his tenderness and his vulnerability.
An amazing blog – and so true. Everyone measures themselves buy what they can do, starting from a really young age. And the thing about what your presenting is that the ‘wise and dedicated father’ looks really good – why question it? But as you have said, you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there – I love your closing line “to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place” – really beautifully put.
You highlight some really valuable points here Rebecca. It is indeed a set up we have fallen for, that we look like the ‘kind and caring’ dad or mum, yet this leaves our children with ‘hurt and sadness’, clearly something is wrong. I have renounced this way of parenting and am learning to just be me with my sons, and everyone.
Well said Rebecca: “you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there”.
I love that line Jessica too, “you can be close but still feel distant, because the person you love the most is never really there”. It makes me ponder and think about the times I have played a role when all I really wanted to do was ‘be’ myself, and in doing this I could be sat right next to a partner, friend or family member even a stranger but never really be with them, as I was never really with myself. So not only is it about distancing ourself from those we love when we play a role, but also distancing ourself from us.
I agree Gyl, I was thinking about this the other day, about how we allow small misunderstandings to get in-between relationships, simply because there are things you want to say but don’t. Instead of regretting relationships, be everything you are in it, and if it doesn’t work out you know it wasn’t because you didn’t do everything you could.
I love what you say Rebecca, be everything you are in relationships, then no matter what happens you know it was not because you were not being all of you. These words are Golden. For me they simply represent that the only thing I am responsible for is to be myself, everything else will take care of itself, if I be myself.
Beautiful Joel, you have summed it up so well. We step into parenting with this belief that it is all about doing, caring, fixing, directing, delivering, protecting and the list goes on. So exhausting and I can really feel the beautiful moments you describe when you simply put all that down and share yourself, just BE with them. It is what we all want, what all children yearn for, the beautiful connection that opens up when we just share ourselves and stop trying to be Perfect Parent. Pure Gold.
So true Rowena, it made me smile to feel how amazing it is when we let go of all the beliefs we hold onto that are not true nor us, they are so exhausting. It’s like being on a stage and playing all the characters in a show – surely at some point you would get confused, exhausted or just give up. When in truth, and Joel has so beautifully, eloquently and simply shared, we are more than enough simply just being ourselves, no roles, no masks, no having to pretend to be anyone else and this is when people do truly connect and respond, and there’s no exhaustion in sight.
You are so right Gyl. What a relief it is to stop the masquerade, remove or masks and just be ourselves.
Wow, Joel. As I read your blog I could feel the acceptance of where you are at and how there is no judgement in you, only self love. What really resonated with me was what you wrote about ‘…I can see the hurt and sadness in their eyes at having had a father living in such close proximity to them but at the same time being unavailable…’ I too have a teenage son who is beginning to find his way in the world, and I have made the same observation as you in that the more I am able to simply be me, the more my son responds. I too feel that the process of undoing the harm that was done is ongoing. I feel quite strongly however that in being able to just be me with no self-judgement of past parenting, I am allowing space for my son to be with me without any judgement either. Your blog really resonated with me…to read a post from a parent with similar experiences to my own was simply joyful. Go daggy Dad!!
This is something so many of us can relate to “what it is like to be close to someone and at the same time not really ‘be with’ them”. We can remember it as children and it’s an experience we can easily bring when we become parents. The way you shared this here I get the real sense of the ease and enjoyment that is there when we stop trying to fill the relationship up with ‘doing’, ‘showing’ or ‘fixing’ (note to self re all relationships – thanks Joel)
I agree, I have seen many times when a parent isn’t really paying attention to their child or doing several things at once, which as a child when you want to tell someone something can be hurtful. Its about finding the balance between making time for them and for yourself.
A very simple but very relevant point about balance Rebecca – particularly needed around children who are so finely attuned to lack of presence in adults.
“What a setup we have fallen for, to think for a moment that dedication can be found in what we do and the wisdom can be found in what we know, rather than the dedication that comes from the love we have for ourselves and the wisdom that comes from that very same place.” Indeed, Joel, what a set up we have fallen for and how gorgeously you expose it.
Thank you Natalie – it is a setup indeed. That we as children need to do things well to get our parents praise. That dads learn to play a role based on whats living proof around them.
To break that mould is very inspiring and makes it clear to see there can be a simpler way if we choose to see it.
Dear Joel,
This is beautiful, I can see how my Dad has fallen for the wise dedicated Dad (expressed with my dad’s permission). Thank you for the understanding your writing has brought to me. I can feel the sadness inside of me for having experienced this way of living. And feel I am able to let go of another level of feeling I’m not good enough, that I have been living with – if someone in my life doesn’t want to be with me, it must be that I am not good enough… Now I can see clearly that their way of living is not about me, but about a need they have to be a good Dad. I feel this understanding has now set a new platform for my connection with my dad and others too, supporting my ability to just be me, in so doing offering this way of being for all to see. The biggest thank you ever from me.
This is amazing reading Joel’s tender and honest share about what he has observed and learned about being a ‘wise and dedicated’ parent and your share Leigh relating this to your own experience of being the recipient of this, taking it personally and making judgements about yourself. This provides a great revelation about a lot of our self negating beliefs, and an opportunity to debase them and let them go.
Leigh isn’t it amazing how we as children draw these conclusions about ourselves based on how our parents behave, we take it all so personally and they are just trying to do their best for us. It is so beautiful to hear how you are able to let go of that belief and build a deeper relationship with your father. I too am finding it easier to let go of such beliefs and build a different relationship with my parents, which is such a huge gift.
So amazing that you had this conversation with your father, just goes to show relationships can be ever evolving.
Joel I am going to take this to heart as a new nana to my adorable grandson, and know I am enough just being me. And with the understanding that supporting my family is not all about doing, but the quality of being in any doing . Thank you for this very lovely sharing.
That is brilliant Bernadette – to put into action just being who we are. What a beautiful opportunity you have with your grandson, for him to grow up with the reflection of someone being all of who they are. That is an amazing gift for him – and you – a true relationship founded on love.
Wise words Joel in showing us how a father’s true role can be so much simpler and more effective by simply being there and connecting. A gem.
Very true, Rod. How often do we complicate our lives by playing along with what is expected by us, instead of just being with another person? This is especially true with children, where many people tend to change their behaviour drastically when around them.
That is so true Naren. How often do we complicate our lives by adopting roles and expectations and then trying to deliver them instead of just being ourselves, especially with children. What Joel has shared provides great insight and is very inspiring.
I agree Golnaz, this is truly inspiring and equally so the fact that by choosing just to be ourselves without any roles we are actually breaking the pattern or “lineage” that has been passed on by fathers previously, and to feel how our families and children are receiving a true reflection of the real us is huge.
How amazing for your boys to have a TRULY dedicated and wise Dad. A Dad who gives them the reflection that it is not the things they do that is important, but that all they need to do is just be themselves.
Well said, such a gift, whatever time in life it is delivered, to be able to finally get to know and feel the real Dad is such a gift, and one that will serve for a very, very long time.
I agree Rowena…”Whatever time in life it’s delivered”… it’s never too late. As I continue to work on dropping the ‘doing’ and take back up the ‘being’, my relationship with my now adult children is allowing for a deeper intimacy with each other, beautiful moments of sharing, at times our fragilities, vulnerabilities, and other times the clear joy in just being ourselves. These moments are gold. I too brought up my daughters mostly unavailable to them. It’s likely there were moments I was being myself but coming back to me more and more today I know for sure this is not the woman they saw in front of them back then. There are rare moments of regret still but I’m coming to understand this relates to my own childhood hurts of me as a little girl feeling no connection with the ‘strangers’ in my own family and further to what became the ‘stranger’ within myself.
Thanks Joel, your blog has brought further understanding, awareness and healing for me.
I agree with you Elizabeth, it is never too late. My family is very grown up, and back in the days when they were young, unfortunately I did not know anything about this much more loving way of being with them. I have to the best of my ability endeavoured to take this loving way of being, rather than into the doing, into all my dealings with my grandchildren, but they now are no longer young children and I accept that they will make their own choices in their lives.
Of course I look forward in my next life to truly being with my children, non-judging and truly lovingly and allowing them to make their own choices. I have learned so much in the past few years, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I know it will be an absolutely wonderful life.
I agree Carmin
Agreed – it is super inspirational Carmin to see a different way of parenting
So true Carmin. Joel is breaking the mold on parenting as his comments are equally valid for Mums. It is so easy to get caught up in the ‘doing’ of parenting and I know over these holidays I have really experienced how much my son just wants to be, with himself, with me and it is such a joy just to be myself with him.
I agree Carmin, it is absolutely amazing and inspiring.
I agree Carmin, how beautiful for the boys to have an amazing dad who can really connect to them and give them the space to be their true selves.
So true Amiita without judgement or set beliefs. Pure Gold!
Well said Carmin, I agree. A beautiful way of parenting.
Yes, the funny thing is we are only wise and dedicated when we are ourselves, all of ourselves. Otherwise we are only dedicated at best and our kids see right through that.
Yes Carmin I absolutely agree. It is very beautiful and greatly inspiring.
I love your clear down to the point writing, Joel. Very beautiful. Although having no children I can relate very much to it. I often still put more value on what I do or know intellectually or on a practical level than on just Being myself. Putting the doing above the Being when it is really the other way around. The way we are -really being our Divine self- determines the quality,/value of what we do. The awareness of this helps me to shift this so common way of living that puts doing before Being.
This is a great reminder Ingrid, thank you, ‘Putting the doing above the Being when it is really the other way around. The way we are -really being our Divine self- determines the quality,/value of what we do.’ I feel how absolutely true this is and notice that the ‘norm’ in society is all about the ‘doing’ without consideration of how we are being/the quality and I see that this does not work and only results in exhaustion and illness and disease.
Yes gosh putting the doing above BEING! I have felt this sometimes at the dinner table where I have thought of what I can or should say during silences, how to ‘fill’ the silence when sometimes just being with others and saying nothing actually says more than any words can say.
How true Vicky. As parents we often think we have to teach our children stuff, set an example. But when I look back, some of our best times were sitting round the dinner table, long after the meal was over, being ourselves.
A great comment Vicky and I relate to what you share here about ‘thinking’ what to say in the silences instead of just being. A great reminder, thank you.
Vicky, great point. I find myself often in that situation at a dinner table, where I am expected to speak, but I would rather be in my silence.
Thank you Joel for being honest and giving us a look into you. This is a great blog and brings us back to the importance of being ourselves and not playing a ‘role’. I relate to a lot of what you are saying and it is great to bring this awareness to relationships, no matter what age they are.
I agree Ray, so many people go through life playing a role, believing that it is who they need to be – and sometimes having several roles for different situations. This blog is a breath of fresh air on the subject, showing that who you are is more than any of your roles.
Absolutely Rebecca it is a breath of fresh air, and an amazing confirmation we don’t have to play out any roles, just simply be ourselves.
Absolutely – its a great message for a lot of people who go through life burdened by the roles they feel they have to live up to.
I totally agree Rebecca these different roles is like we put on each hat that we ‘think’ is the right one for each situation then viola that situation is what you become. An ideal to fill that role. As opposed to being you no matter what the situation and taking each moment as and when they come with the knowing you have it all and you don’t need to be anything.
Very true Natalie, the knowing we are it all will do away with the need for filling in the pictures that we have about how to be in a certain role. We do not need to try to be something or to do something a certain way, if we dare to trust in what we feel what is needed will naturally be there.
Well said Rebecca, we can be ‘in role’ and not even know that we are! If we can step back an observe our actions and reactions, we can begin to see how false these roles are ~ a great protection, identity holder and a farce! As Shevon has said, there is no tension in being ourselves. Now that is is the test; no tension in the body, not likely to be a role to identify with. Great sharing Joel.
That’s so true Rebecca , I remember how I lived so many different roles before I came across Universal Medicine, it was like living several different lives. It was very exhausting and I was just in the motion of living, never truly living.
Yes Rebecca a much needed breath of fresh air, sharing that many of us feel the same. The honesty in this piece of writing has supported me to realise the levels of expectations we put on ourselves as parents or careers harms in more ways than one.
IIt’s great what you share Joel and Raymond, I know many men who take on that role of having to be seen to be doing rather than just being themselves. Men that I have observed In my family and friends circle when they are doing they feel useful around people, otherwise they feel bored and don’t know what to say. So when they come to visit me they look for something to do first, to break the ice before they start to relax and open up to being themselves.
Absolutely Ray, playing roles suits a particular ‘setting’, it offers no one the real you and therefore each relationship is built on a shaky foundation – everyone holding it together to keep the roles in place.
Completely agree Raymond, just by letting go of our roles and being ourselves is much more inspiring for others around us
I agree Amina, it is a great point Raymond. It is so easy to be identified by the roles we take on and play in life, essentially putting on different hats depending on where we are, what we are doing and who we are with. It is something I learnt to do and did for most of my life. I have found it extremely liberating and less exhausting the more I simply am myself in all areas of my life.
I always find that I am much more loving with myself and others when I’m just being me. When I try to be someone/something else or who I think I need to be I always feel stressed, have tension and inevitably negative thoughts. To be ourselves means we can just breathe and share our love without trying. Joel’s blog is a poignant example of this.
I agree Shevon, it’s just letting go of the expectations we place on ourselves and by this freeing up of expectations, I find allows others to just be themselves too. I have long stopped trying to make others love me, realising that it is the love I feel for myself first that matters, then it becomes natural to share that love with others, because in essence, it is my love that they are feeling reflected back to them, because it is in them too.