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Friendships, Relationships, Self-Relationship 921 Comments on Am I Allowed to be this? Finding a Balance in True Expression

Am I Allowed to be this? Finding a Balance in True Expression

By Emily Newmann · On January 5, 2015

Am I allowed to say that?

Am I allowed to eat this?

Am I allowed to not want to eat this?

Am I allowed to wear these clothes today?

Am I allowed to talk to men like that?

Am I allowed to get excited?

Am I allowed to do this?

Am I allowed to be comfortable?

Am I allowed to dance this way?

Am I allowed to want to do this?

Am I allowed to show affection to one person and not the other?

Am I allowed to look smoking hot?

Am I allowed to not want to drink that?

Am I allowed to in-joy this?

Am I allowed to go to bed early?

There are a lot of “Am I allowed to’s” there Emily… why?

Well, you see… I’m scared if I open my mouth or do something, I might cause a reaction from someone.

So?…

Well then, they might be upset or not as happy as they were before.

And is that your problem?

Well, no, it’s not really… not if I was just being me.

So why the “Am I allowed to’s?”

Well, it’s a question of “Will I hurt someone if I do that?”

So you’re saying, someone else should give you the permission for something you want to do, according to what mood they are in that day?

Erm, well, yea, I guess I am…

Now that just doesn’t make sense, does it?

No, no it doesn’t.

Am I allowed to be this way?

And what way is that?

Me… happy, sad, excited, showing it all, whilst being responsible, regardless of what people are going to think…

Well, I’d say so.

Yea… I’d say so too.

Am I able to care for myself?

Am I able to BE myself?

Am I able to love myself?

Now there’s “able’s”?

Yea, because now it’s up to me to make the decision… and my capability at being amazing.

And how is that capability?

I’d say it’s pretty darn good.

True freedom is loving the body I’m in, accepting and loving who I am and allowing myself to be rid of those ‘Thought Monsters’.

True freedom is not something someone else can give you, but what you give yourself – self love and self care.

I have been thinking a lot about my “allowed to’s” lately and have found that I calibrate what or basically who I am going to be depending on who I am around, so as to not ‘disturb the peace’. This probably isn’t an unusual thing; I’m guessing we all have “Thought Monsters” running around in our head saying what we can and can’t do. Don’t get me wrong, there are some things I definitely can’t do – but I don’t feel limited by these things when I make the choices to not do them, I feel confident and content with these choices.

It’s when there’s that pulling away from my initial response, that moment where it was there, where I had the chance and then it slipped away sort of thing…. I am learning to minimise these moments: if I feel like saying this or doing that, I will try my best to do it, and try my best to stay me regardless if it shakes anyone a bit.

Then with the realisation of these ‘Thought Monsters’ there has also been the trying to sort out the ‘Thought Monsters’ from the true thoughts. There is a difference here because the true thoughts don’t feel like monsters to me when I have them – there is no drive or push or fear behind them like the Thought Monsters have, just an openness, respect and realisation. Like me saying, “I shouldn’t be eating this piece of cake right now” is a true thought… what told me to eat this piece of cake was the plain old Thought Monster.

And then there’s the “Why am I eating this piece of cake?” which is actually a true thought, ‘cause it’s asking for a reason and a realisation that something is not quite right.

And then there’s the lack of self-worth for eating the cake and feeling crap about myself – thoughts like “I’m going to get fat” or “I’ll look like a cake myself soon”… Those, my friends, are the Thought Monsters.

But then there is a catch there too, because my feeling this is showing me that obviously eating the cake caused me to feel not very good, and due to not feeling good I can see that the choice I made wasn’t right for me.

So, instead of bashing myself, I’m realising why (in most cases it’s ‘cause I feel alone, or tired, or want to bury some feeling beneath a big pile of cake), then I’m accepting my choice and moving on.

“Okay… cool, I’m actually not fat, I just feel crappy because of the choices I made.”

The ‘why’ sometimes doesn’t even matter, I don’t need a reason, just acceptance, and as long as there’s an “Oh okay, well… next time I’ll know better”, I’m taking responsibility for me.

Or even if there is just a “Yea okay, I feel crap… I did it again”, that’s all good too… we all slip up sometimes.

By Emily Newman, Mirani, Qld

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Emily Newmann

Young beauty of 19, living in the big smoke of Mackay. Still trying to work out what I want to spend 6 years studying whilst working full time. I find beauty in any sort of scenery.... from bush to beach to rain-forests to backyards and even in cities. I enjoy being in the sunlight, under the sky and love when I'm surrounded by a natural environment. I get surprised by my own cooking abilities (yes they are awe-some), and my dance skills are quite the amazing. I also find that the lamest jokes are the most amusing.

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921 Comments

  • Mary says: March 19, 2020 at 4:59 pm

    Emily I found this to be true
    ‘True freedom is not something someone else can give you, but what you give yourself – self love and self care.’
    So many of us are hopeless when it comes to self care and self love as it is not something we have been taught and was denied to us when we were young. I’m learning to love myself and to trust what I can feel in my body is true and not to be over ruled by my mind. Realizing that I do not think so that all the thoughts I have ever had were not mine to begin with has been a revelation in itself because if they are not my thoughts why am I bashing myself up and giving myself a hard time it makes no sense.

    Reply
  • Greg Barnes says: January 18, 2020 at 9:28 pm

    The sooner we catch the crap then it has less time to taint our lives and eventually like the Matrix we learn to avoid them as we feel them coming.

    Reply
  • Mary says: January 15, 2020 at 8:31 pm

    I so recognise this
    ‘So you’re saying, someone else should give you the permission for something you want to do, according to what mood they are in that day?’
    The answer as a child would be yes because the adult in the family had the then power to make life miserable or not based entirely on their mood, it was a horrible way to exist.

    Reply
  • Greg Barnes says: November 17, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    This opens up a great conversation Emily, what were we’e thinking about on the way to shop or refrigerator before we’e took the cake out and started to eat it, so maybe a step back and feel the energy we’e are walking in and by re-imprinting our walks the food thing will pale into insignificance, as the amazing-ness of who we are will prevail over eating our cake?

    Reply
  • Mary says: August 23, 2019 at 3:06 pm

    Emily this is a great blog because we do have some very negative thoughts that we bash ourselves up with. I have been feeling into this and can feel that there is a part of me that wants to trash my body by eating sugar that will race me so that I cannot feel how sensitive I am to the outside world. If I lose my sensitivity I have lost my connection to the universe which to me is the most important thing in the world. Being able to feel the vastness and stillness of the universe is the wonder that resides in all of us. However many cannot feel this including me until recently because of the way we live our lives devoid of our sensitivity.

    Reply
  • Michelle Mcwaters says: August 7, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    Well, it’s a question of “Will I hurt someone if I do that?” Of course this is a question we need to be mindful of, but we need to be clear we know the difference between being abusive, which is one thing, and us being ourselves naturally so, which can engender discomfort and jealousy in another. If being ourselves naturally causes another to feel where they are at and they choose to go into reaction, all we have done is offer them a point of reflection for their own evolution. A great reason therefore not to hold back and to not allow any doubts like these to interfere with our expression.

    Reply
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