Am I allowed to say that?
Am I allowed to eat this?
Am I allowed to not want to eat this?
Am I allowed to wear these clothes today?
Am I allowed to talk to men like that?
Am I allowed to get excited?
Am I allowed to do this?
Am I allowed to be comfortable?
Am I allowed to dance this way?
Am I allowed to want to do this?
Am I allowed to show affection to one person and not the other?
Am I allowed to look smoking hot?
Am I allowed to not want to drink that?
Am I allowed to in-joy this?
Am I allowed to go to bed early?
There are a lot of “Am I allowed to’s” there Emily… why?
Well, you see… I’m scared if I open my mouth or do something, I might cause a reaction from someone.
So?…
Well then, they might be upset or not as happy as they were before.
And is that your problem?
Well, no, it’s not really… not if I was just being me.
So why the “Am I allowed to’s?”
Well, it’s a question of “Will I hurt someone if I do that?”
So you’re saying, someone else should give you the permission for something you want to do, according to what mood they are in that day?
Erm, well, yea, I guess I am…
Now that just doesn’t make sense, does it?
No, no it doesn’t.
Am I allowed to be this way?
And what way is that?
Me… happy, sad, excited, showing it all, whilst being responsible, regardless of what people are going to think…
Well, I’d say so.
Yea… I’d say so too.
Am I able to care for myself?
Am I able to BE myself?
Am I able to love myself?
Now there’s “able’s”?
Yea, because now it’s up to me to make the decision… and my capability at being amazing.
And how is that capability?
I’d say it’s pretty darn good.
True freedom is loving the body I’m in, accepting and loving who I am and allowing myself to be rid of those ‘Thought Monsters’.
True freedom is not something someone else can give you, but what you give yourself – self love and self care.
I have been thinking a lot about my “allowed to’s” lately and have found that I calibrate what or basically who I am going to be depending on who I am around, so as to not ‘disturb the peace’. This probably isn’t an unusual thing; I’m guessing we all have “Thought Monsters” running around in our head saying what we can and can’t do. Don’t get me wrong, there are some things I definitely can’t do – but I don’t feel limited by these things when I make the choices to not do them, I feel confident and content with these choices.
It’s when there’s that pulling away from my initial response, that moment where it was there, where I had the chance and then it slipped away sort of thing…. I am learning to minimise these moments: if I feel like saying this or doing that, I will try my best to do it, and try my best to stay me regardless if it shakes anyone a bit.
Then with the realisation of these ‘Thought Monsters’ there has also been the trying to sort out the ‘Thought Monsters’ from the true thoughts. There is a difference here because the true thoughts don’t feel like monsters to me when I have them – there is no drive or push or fear behind them like the Thought Monsters have, just an openness, respect and realisation. Like me saying, “I shouldn’t be eating this piece of cake right now” is a true thought… what told me to eat this piece of cake was the plain old Thought Monster.
And then there’s the “Why am I eating this piece of cake?” which is actually a true thought, ‘cause it’s asking for a reason and a realisation that something is not quite right.
And then there’s the lack of self-worth for eating the cake and feeling crap about myself – thoughts like “I’m going to get fat” or “I’ll look like a cake myself soon”… Those, my friends, are the Thought Monsters.
But then there is a catch there too, because my feeling this is showing me that obviously eating the cake caused me to feel not very good, and due to not feeling good I can see that the choice I made wasn’t right for me.
So, instead of bashing myself, I’m realising why (in most cases it’s ‘cause I feel alone, or tired, or want to bury some feeling beneath a big pile of cake), then I’m accepting my choice and moving on.
“Okay… cool, I’m actually not fat, I just feel crappy because of the choices I made.”
The ‘why’ sometimes doesn’t even matter, I don’t need a reason, just acceptance, and as long as there’s an “Oh okay, well… next time I’ll know better”, I’m taking responsibility for me.
Or even if there is just a “Yea okay, I feel crap… I did it again”, that’s all good too… we all slip up sometimes.
By Emily Newman, Mirani, Qld
964 Comments
I know those self judging thoughts quite well Emily, and when I am doing that I find I then want to go further into the fix it mode, getting more caught up in the mind, when as you say I can honestly accept that I made a choice that was not from love and in that acceptance a learning can be possible instead of the trap of judging and self bashing that goes on in the mind.
A joy to re read your blog and the playfullness of your writing, ‘True freedom is not something someone else can give you, but what you give yourself – self love and self care.’ Yes this can only come from within and from the loving relationship you have build with yourself and your body, this also brings a natural confidence which gives the Thoughtmonsters less space to do their thing instead you doing your thing.
‘True freedom is not something someone else can give you, but what you give yourself – self love and self care.’ Yes and it is a great way to live with ourselves, the confidence that comes from our connection with the love inside our body. The more accept and appreciate what we bring the less space there is for the Thoughtmonsters to ‘take over’.
We can really get ourselves tied up in knots, can’t we? When we lose connection to ourselves and try to please everyone else to fit in we can really compromise our expression. Simply connecting to our bodies, learning to self-nurture and care and breathing our own breath can really sort the wheat from the chaff, bringing an authority and empowerment that doesn’t sway to anyone else’s issues but holds us steady and true.
It is really a little back to front, why are we seeking permission or judging ourselves against outside standards to be ourselves?
it can be such a shocker to realise that we invite the ‘thought monsters’ in and they come in only at our invitation.
How many times can we run with scenarios in our head that may never happen and only serve to wind ourselves up in the process and then feel down about everything? Then when we clock it and acknowledge the thoughts are nonsense you can really feel at that moment how much time has been wasted thinking about things that may never happen and the effect this has on the body – it’s just not worth it.
It is lovely to explore how we are different with different people because I find there is layers and it is also becoming so normal to be a certain way after a while that we then don’t realize it is actually not how we would naturally be and express. The exploration offers a lot of space for change, because as long as we are not aware of it we cannot change it.
“Am I allowed to”…. how exhausting! But what is most revealing is that we are knowingly choosing to be less and give our power away
It makes sense how disconnecting from our body and the knowing of who we are in essence and true expression allows us to be controlled by critical and judgemental thoughts that reconfigures our whole body to move in a way that confirms we are lesser and not equal to others.
Love your self love approach Emily. Self judgement affects us way more than any cake ever could.
Emily, this is a beautiful confirmation of how far you have come in re-turning back to the truth of your innermost essence. I love the play-fyll-ness of your conversation about the ‘Though Monster” and how we can clamp down on our expression when at the mercy of this.
Out the jealous misery police will be along any time now to arrest you – but they better watch out for your joy will end up arresting them.
This is a beautiful confirmation of your self, Emily. Thank you.
“I’m scared if I open my mouth or do something, I might cause a reaction from someone.” This has been such a huge one for me, and for many others I know. We don’t want to upset anyone so instead of speaking the truth we dilute it with a little bit, or a lot, of niceness. Well I’ve discovered there’s no true purpose in being nice, as it is really a form of lying and doesn’t serve anyone. The truth will probably come out in the end, so why not bring it out at the beginning?
“True freedom is loving the body I’m in, accepting and loving who I am” Such wise words – if we all get this we put an end to war.
Wonderful Emily, thank you for this. Learning how to be in life and to not absorb the reactions or conditions of others is a wise and soul-full path, because by not taking on and conforming to the needs of others there is a great potential for all of us to be equal.
Indeed so playfully posed Emily, how much do we give ourselves the permission to be fully who we truly are and live that for all so see?
Transforming the ‘am I allowed to’ into ‘am I able to’ is a great re-focusing, away from giving one’s power away through permission-seeking, towards claiming it back by giving ourselves permission and offering ourselves the opportunity to expand and fulfil our potential. Are we able to let go of the need to seek others’ approval, and absolutely love and cherish ourselves, to the max and in every moment?
Giving ourselves permission to be ourselves can be a seemingly daunting task when the whole world, it would seem is shaping us to be otherwise.
‘Then with the realisation of these ‘Thought Monsters’ there has also been the trying to sort out the ‘Thought Monsters’ from the true thoughts’. Trying to beat the head with the head can get us so caught up knots. I have been experimenting with the beautiful revelation that to change our thoughts we simply have to change our movements. It works every time!
“True freedom is loving the body I’m in, accepting and loving who I am and allowing myself to be rid of those ‘Thought Monsters’” Those thought monsters are really annoying they can pop up anywhere, I find connecting to my body and moving with presence helps me to shake of those little critters.
Through connecting with the love we innately all are and come from, we will be impulsed with a knowing of what is appropriate and loving moment by moment.
Yes, and the key when the knowing leaves us is to come back to connecting.
Sometimes we take those self critiquing thoughts to be the true ones when in fact judgement towards oneself is never true and it is often this judgement that then leads us back into repeating the choices we have judged.
Freedom is something we give ourselves and it has nothing to do with doing ‘whatever we want’ or getting away with things. True freedom comes from the choice to be connected to and impulsed by soul.
I recognize this dialogue Emily, it plays out in a kind of unconscious way. Not wanting to make others uncomfortable or hurt.
But it is my birthright to be just me, the loving open me and It is to let go of worry-ing about others.
Just to give the reflection of joy is the way to go.