I saw myself as a teenager, wandering around lost and bewildered, full of questions. For as long as I can remember, every birthday, every shooting star, at every wishing well, I would always wish for the same thing. I would wish for love. Little did I know at the time that it was within me always, that I didn’t need to go seeking it, that I wasn’t going to get it because someone wanted me, physically, sexually, or just as a friend. I wasn’t going to get it from being needed by my children, as a mother. My search for love continued … more birthdays, more shooting stars. Because if that had been love, why did I still feel so empty, surrounded by my family, a nice place to live, lots of friends and a loving extended family?
To add to it, I began giving up on myself because I thought my partner was not seeing me or hearing me or choosing to prioritise being with me over other things. I was waiting for change, to be changed by something outside myself. I was getting more and more frustrated and desperate. I had several abortions and explained to my partner that there wasn’t enough love in our relationship for me to carry these children. And still I clung onto the picture of being a family which meant that I gave everything I had to my other children and was exhausted all the time.
Then one day I decided that I wouldn’t be trapped in endless harmful cycles anymore. But I was still far from connecting to that love within. That day I left my partner, father of my children, telling him I didn’t love him anymore. Meanwhile, I had convinced myself I loved someone else, someone who I thought ‘saw’ me more, only to realise very quickly, it had always been an empty friendship based on convenience. I remember driving away from that conversation where I had come to finally tell this friend of many years that I was in love with him. I fell flat on my face as he was shocked and surprised. I had been rejected. I came away feeling like I had lost everything. I had lost my partner, lost this friend. I remember saying to myself, tears pouring down my cheeks “What have I done?”, I really am on my own, there is no one. But I kept it together, for the kids.
It is interesting for me to reflect back now on this idea of ‘being alone’ – it was so easy for me to dramatise and indulge in self pity with this idea of ‘aloneness, when in fact, we are never alone. We belong to a universal multi-dimensionality that is ever present and accessible and which can never be exclusively limited by the 3-dimensional reality we have been modelled into as a human being.
So I began an insightful, if at times challenging, period of reconnecting to myself. I began to consider that maybe what I was looking for the whole time was inside me. As part of this process, I began having Esoteric Healing sessions. Esoteric Healing is the most beautiful and simple process of supporting us to return to Soul. To stop, feel and reconnect to who we truly are, based on the simple truth that: “Everything is energy, and therefore, everything is because of energy” (Serge Benhayon, 1999). There is no imposition just a holding presence of love.
As I began to have regular sessions, I felt the distance between knowing what I was feeling and the shifts occurring within, however living it every day felt at the time like an insurmountable chasm. Yet somehow, even in those darkest days where my children would be at their dad’s and I would stay in bed all day watching movies back to back, piles of washing-up by the sink, hair not brushed, crying until my pillows were soggy – I would eventually still get up, tidy, clean, and bring order to our home. Each time that happened I could begin to feel the love moving within me, sending me a signal to say, ‘I’m here, I always have been.’ I could begin to bring myself to accept that I was love. Yes! I was love first.
But the knowing didn’t prevent me from continuing the self abuse, as if it was somehow too simple. There was simplicity on the one hand and complication on the other. Complication was surrounded by chocolate and simplicity was just on its own! So, I went for complication. That was when I went on two strange dates. One with an older man in another country. And the other a one night stand in a hotel in the local town. Both events were completely out of character for me. I was still seeking validation from others outside of me, yet both events left me feeling emptier than ever … perhaps the wake up call I needed!
After that time, something shifted. I began to enjoy being with me. I finally settled into a house after living in a yurt with my children for two years without running water, as I had wanted the struggle. I had something I felt I needed to prove, and overcoming the difficulties of my choice of living was going to somehow validate me as a person, in the face of what had been a relationship where I had never felt good enough. As I reflect back once again, I can see how the struggle was just a huge unnecessary distraction and complication taking me away from the simplicity of connecting to my true self, of making that a priority.
Once I was settled in my new home, I spent time nurturing myself by settling into a more supportive sleep pattern, and having a much gentler approach to my body. I began taking care when applying creams, brushing my hair, preparing for bed, and using a warm facecloth before bed and first thing in the morning.
I developed a more loving connection with myself. My movements began to reflect the love I was connecting to and I walked with more confidence. I found myself saying to my children that I wasn’t available at different times, putting myself first, instead of saying yes to everything. Less trying! I also slowly began to adopt more consistently healthier eating habits. And really crucially, I allowed myself to rest when I felt tired – this was huge for me. With these changes, my awareness and understanding seemed to naturally unfold without effort or trying, like the gentle lapping of the waves on a beach. I read books and listened to presentations of The Way of The Livingness as presented by Serge Benhayon, and I felt like I had come home … home to something that spoke to me immediately and was simple.
I joined a dating app and approached this tentatively but honestly. I had found that connecting to the love within me came hand in hand with being honest, otherwise I was back to the frustration and desperation I was familiar with. This allowed an openness that came from that deeper settled feeling within myself.
I met my partner of today. It wasn’t a conventional start, but eventually we really ‘clicked’ with an incredible familiarity, ease and simplicity I had never imagined possible. Could it have been because I was feeling differently about myself? I could really feel that this was the case as many years had now passed since I had wished for love in a shooting star or a cake, and because I had settled the anxiety, the pain and confusion within by seeing that I am already everything I needed to be.
Fast forward a few years and this is an unfolding process. My insecurities and neediness at times come out of the ground to show their head in the sun, which always brings the light of truth. I feel settled but sometimes the settlement is replaced with a sinking sensation that manifests as various desires, such as wanting someone to be different or following the pictures in my head, creating complication, drama and childish behaviour.
The difference is that now I can simply observe it, and over time I have been able to see just how obvious the deception is, the falseness of my intention or reaction. I can see how this manipulation is a part of something much bigger than me, that I can feel so explicitly happening to me when it comes, like the way I can feel ‘programmed’ in a zombie-like way to go for chocolate or a huge tub of ice cream if I am feeling upset. Now I am deeply connected to the knowing of the love that is within me, by connecting to a different way of living.
I haven’t wished for love for many years – I still remind myself daily that I am love first and foremost. The reminder comes in the form of each choice I make, is it a choice that is loving or not. With each decision to put something in my body, I consider will it harm, or will it heal? … Observing why I am choosing to distract myself in that moment … what am I not wanting to feel? Taking care of my body with a super supportive daily exercise routine, going for a walk when I feel the need to settle, and observing how my body feels moment to moment supports me with the clarity to respond with the wisdom within that I have connected to.
Walking in connection with the love I always am.