Never did I realise commitment could be freeing. I had always thought it felt heavy and binding, but binding in a capping kind of way.
Recently, my partner of 10 years asked me to marry him. I was absolutely gobsmacked; I didn’t see it coming at all.
When he first asked, I felt I didn’t have a clear answer, I just felt a sea of ‘gob-smackedness’. I also realised that this wasn’t a decision to labour over, it was either true for us to get married or it wasn’t. After re-gathering a bit of presence, I closed my eyes and stopped to feel this proposal. What I felt was very clear. I felt a grand offering to marry the riches of heaven. It felt like an offering to unite my partner and I in a sacred and seriously grand and rich space. And somewhat to my surprise, it felt so freeing … What? How could committing to someone be freeing? It certainly went against any pre-conceived notions I held about commitment, and that’s just the point. Obviously throughout my life I have been attuned to believing that commitment was an incarcerating, airless kind of thing.
As a side note, leading up to the proposal, it felt there was a particular potency coming through my partner which caused me to ‘sit up and listen’ even more intently to what he was saying. We were in Morocco, in the desert on a sand dune at the time, that was kinda nice!
I felt that it was an offering to marry heaven and to un-marry so much of the seriously unhelpful and unloving stuff I’d been getting up to … for eons it seems. An offering to get on track so to speak.
In the years leading up to the proposal, I had thought on a number of occasions how much I would like to be in a position that I would want to marry my partner. And since us deciding to get married, I just feel more and more into him every day, I adore him more and more every day.
So this says a lot about commitment. While I was not fully committed for the first 9 years of us being together, ha, even though I thought I was committed, I guess I always had an ‘out’ clause, I always had one foot or even several toes out of the relationship as a just in case. While I had this aspect of non-commitment going on, it left a giant hole in the relationship for rubbish to flow in. The main thing that flowed in was doubt, constant doubt about whether we were truly supposed to be together and wondering whether there might be something ‘better’ out there for me.
Since fully committing, I’ve had no doubt about our relationship. It feels we are in this rich and expanded space, and I don’t know what’s in store for us, but I certainly have no doubts about it, such a stark contrast to the doubt that used to come pouring in prior to us deciding to marry.
What does this say about commitment?
I was never going to experience the grandness and sacredness on offer in our relationship while I was not quite literally ‘all-in ‘in the relationship. Fully committing has set in motion an awareness that my partner just keeps getting spunkier, more gorgeous, brings more light, everything every day, and I wouldn’t have experienced this had we not committed. I would also not have experienced the holding, and true riches on offer in the relationship without fully committing.
Commitment is a beautiful thing; it is actually very freeing. It freed me from the doubt and the wondering (and wandering eye) of whether there was something better for me out there. It allows me now just to get on with it and it has allowed the relationship to be activated, to be maximised. Previously something had done a number on me, having me believe the opposite.
I wonder how many people would be out there believing, as I did, that committing to marriage in a relationship is this stale, binding thing that leaves you gasping for air. Previously I thought all the ducks had to line up and things had to be perfect enough in order to want to commit, whereas now I have discovered the everything that is already laid out for you when you say ‘yes’ in full.
Published with permission of my partner.