Being a single woman in this world can often be seen as if there is something wrong with you. People have looked at me like my leg has fallen off when I say I am single.
There have been comments such as:
- Why are you not married? Do you want to be?
- Why are you not with anyone? You should be!
- Do you have children yet? Do you want any?
- A beautiful girl like you is single?
- People your age are all getting married and having children.
- What’s wrong with you?
At the time these comments made me smile, as I was able to see where they were coming from … beliefs and ideals we grow up with and then believe to be our own. Though in all honesty, I realised for most of my life I had chosen to believe that there was something wrong with me when I was single.
When I was not feeling myself, as in not feeling content and lovely just being with me, I would at times go into comparison or jealousy when I saw couples in the street, or feel sad when a relationship with a partner broke down.
I would allow and believe thoughts like; what is wrong with me, why doesn’t anybody want to be with me, it’s my fault, I’m to blame, if only this or that.
With the support of Universal Medicine and its amazing practitioners I am now able to step back from these thoughts and observe what’s really going on –
That these are not my thoughts!
So where had these thoughts come from that I chose to believe were mine? They had been fed to me since childhood, throughout my teenage years, and as I grew into a beautiful woman. They also came from pictures of how life is ‘meant’ to be; in society, magazines, media, films, books, television, movies and fairy tales.
But why did I choose to accept them?
Was it easier to need to be in a relationship and be with a man than to feel my own lack of self-worth?
Was it a need for security rather than to stand tall on my own?
Was it easier than accepting the powerful and amazing woman I am – and to live this – whether I am with someone or not?
The more I have allowed myself to feel and see, the more I have come to realise just how sneaky and undermining these thoughts, ideals, pictures and beliefs can be. From childhood we grow up with stories and fairy tales of princesses finding their prince and living happily ever after, of being rescued from the arms of evil by a knight in shining armour. Even when I saw a collection of Disney stories I thought maybe there’s just one… but by way of confirmation, every single story in the book had a beautiful girl being rescued or finding her perfect prince. All bar Aladdin, which was the other way around. But it is even more than this as it carries on throughout society, the media, films, TV (think Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw), or on the front covers of magazines and newspapers featuring articles about relationships, on how to find the perfect partner, or how you should look to find one.
What message is this sending out to the world?
Everything is being set up for girls to grow up into women to feel incomplete without a partner. All these stories dull down the truth and power of what it is to be a woman, whether we are in an intimate relationship or not.
Not only do all these pictures, ideals and beliefs put pressure on girls and women, they equally put pressure on boys and men.
So what was it about me that made me feel ‘that there was something wrong with me if I couldn’t find the perfect partner’? Why did I feel I needed to be with a man, why did I feel I was not enough? I realised what a huge impact these thoughts had played out in my life, and that they stemmed from a lack of self-worth.
Growing up believing to be loved and to be seen as a beautiful woman meant you had to be with someone, along with lots of other beliefs. It wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and attended presentations and workshops by Universal Medicine that I came to know the truth. And that is, I am love, and the love I had been looking for all along is actually inside of me.
Inspired by the presentations of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and Natalie Benhayon.
By Gyl Rae, 37, Scotland
616 Comments
No star in the Universe shines alone.
Being single is a great reflection when we feel complete and truly beautiful just living our life as we are
When we finally realise that the thoughts we have are not our thoughts which at times I admit is really difficult because they feel like our thoughts because we can own them. What we do not yet fully understand is there is a consciousness feeding us those thoughts. That consciousness feeds off the negativity we then go into that keeps us going round and round in circles feeling the frustration of being in something that is of our own making and trapped inside it. Knowing also at some deep level that we are trapped we have made our own daily nightmare.
So True Gyl, the love from our Soul is always deepening our appreciation of the divine realm we are returning to as a Soul-full being.
I have experienced a lot of confusion and complication in my mind regarding relationships. Should I be single, should I have a boyfriend etc.etc. But connecting to and asking my body the answers are super simple and straightforward without having to listen to apposing views and expectations.
Holding onto any ideal can only ever hold using the old ways that we have, and in truth they have never served us. True Love is us claiming back our true self, our essences or the esoteric, so that in this level of Love there is a deep-humble-appreciative-ness of the feeling that comes with this most divine connection.
What a blessing for you and everyone that you met Serge Benhayon, and as a consequence came to know, ‘ I am love, and the love I had been looking for all along is actually inside of me.’
Absolutely Loraine, a hidden treasure awaiting for us to re-align to our essences, Inner-most-hearts / Souls so we understand any question that arises to take us away from our most divine connection, so we respond to life without any reactions to our upmost ability.
“‘meant’ to be;” taking on the belief that something is ‘meant to be’ a certain way is just absorbing someone else’s belief.
It is interesting that the ‘single’ state is so often viewed as a failure and something that is to be avoided at all costs when actually it can offer a great opportunity to deepen our relationship with ourselves and thus expand all our other relationships.
Very much Helen, being single offers a great opportunity to build a deeply caring, loving, and honouring relationship with self, that then becomes our foundation for all relationships.
“I came to know the truth. And that is, I am love, and the love I had been looking for all along is actually inside of me.” all the ideals and pictures that are fed to us are all a diversion away from the actual fact that we don’t need anything outside of us to be fulfilled, all that we ever wanted, lives within, awaiting our connection to our divine love, and in this we are complete.
I went to a presentation recently and it was discussed how some women having amazing lives yet they walk around as less because they don’t have a partner. I could relate to this, at times I can feel that I am missing something because I don’t have a partner, but the thing is when I go into this, I am then willing to drop the level of quality I hold and just accept anyone who is going to pay me attention and then when I go into relationships, it is not the quality I want and then I don’t want to be in those relationships.
Universal Medicine brings such simple and clear wisdom that enables healing on so many levels to so many people, and it continues to do so without fear, or favour.
“That these are not my thoughts! So where had these thoughts come from that I chose to believe were mine? They had been fed to me” as images that keep us from our true connection and we have all been complicit in feeding the energy that supplies these thoughts. So what “is actually inside of me” is the true essence that we can all connect to, and then we are aligning to the divine energy, which is the loving connection, we all come from.
I grew up not knowing my self-worth too. Anything that is not knowing who you are in truth has no love in it. Yes, it exposes many systems and practices. Knowing who you are and what you are capable of comes with a responsibility many avoid like I did. Being responsible is a way of life to appreciate all of who you are consistently and continuously. If you do not consistently own who you are your lack of self-worth will fester beyond belief.
Becoming single once again I’ve learnt that I don’t need another person to be whole and amazing but also being in a relationship allows me to see greater depths of how amazing I am via the reflection of another confirming my grandness or highlighting something to be felt and healed to remove it from the top of more depths of beauty.
“accepting the powerful and amazing woman I am – and to live this – whether I am with someone or not?” When we are truly ‘with ourselves’ we are never alone as we feel our connection to the Divine Love of the Universe that is equally within all.
This is great what you have shared Mary, and may I add that when we connect to the deeper level of wisdom that you are sharing the false energy and images are easily exposed.
Lovely, and so true what you share in this comment Mary, ‘When we are truly ‘with ourselves’ we are never alone as we feel our connection to the Divine Love of the Universe that is equally within all.’
Being single is such a weird concept as we are all so inter-connected that unless we build a relationship with ourselves tethering ourselves to one other in order to fulfil the picture of how we ‘should’ be living in society often comes at the expense of our relationship with ourselves which I have certainly experienced. For me being single for many years has allowed me to explore my relationship with myself and build a foundation of love that then ripples out to all my relationships.
Measuring a person’s success in life on whether they are single or in a relationship is very short sighted indeed.
We certainly do forgo living our power when we allow the measure of our worth to be defined by whether we are in a relationship or not, being loved by another. We already are love in essence, and it’s our love that defines all that we are, and so it makes sense to explore, embrace and stand in the glory of who we are first, be it single or not, before we choose to share our majesty with others. As then we then bring the opportunity to truly connect with another in true power where evolution is ignited.
And when Serge Benhayon expresses to us that we are love, it is not some platitude or truism, but the words carry the imprint of wisdom truth and a life lived in love
I wonder if deep down inside we do all actually know that there is no ‘perfect person’ for anyone, we are all just simply flawed in some way or another due to the fact that we are human. And I wonder if it is perhaps one of our greatest strengths – that despite all the imperfections, we are still able to love each other unconditionally and in full acceptance of who we all are. And I wonder if this is what is being targeted in the media, to sow the seeds of doubt so that we override these innate feelings of love and instead seek the perfection that is impossible to achieve.
“At the time these comments made me smile, as I was able to see where they were coming from … beliefs and ideals we grow up with and then believe to be our own. Though in all honesty, I realised for most of my life I had chosen to believe that there was something wrong with me when I was single.” This was true for me too Gyl. When I was ‘in between boyfriends’ I felt there was something wrong with me, After my husband and i separated i went searching for a partner – in order to make myself feel better and worthy of someone. Eventually I woke up to the fact I needed to love myself first and stopped the desperate searching for someone out there. Since coming to Universal Medicine my life has changed exponentially. I am content being me and with me – and with life
I was at an event recently – and felt and looked amazing It was interesting to observe that a friend, who I hadn’t seen for over three years, complimented me on how well I looked – then asked if I had a bloke! Why is it that society assumes when you look well and vibrant there must be a love partner? Instead I share that I am loving me – more and more! Thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon.
Great to read this again today because most of the time I feel absolutely fine about being single but I heard myself yesterday saying how I would like to have a partner and it’s interesting to explore why that would be so and what it is that I am not doing to provide myself with all the care, love and support that I need.
The answer to all of above is lack of self love.
Accepting a less than fully loving relationship for the sake of security is a massive topic in life for both men and women. A topic that touches on the need for us all to explore what a fully loving relationship actually is. An exploration that asks us to consider the true meaning of the word love.
Funny how society will see it as there being something wrong with a woman if she is single. It is a way of diminishing the value of a woman and not treasuring nor celebrating her for who she is.
This blog is such good medicine! I remember being with partners and being seen out, in town at the shops or to dinner I always felt better about myself when seen with a guy. It was a feeling of accomplishment, that I’d made it and got one and could end the search while the rest were still looking. Crazy. So when I’m feeling this, I drop the relationship with myself and am pretty much saying that I’m not enough as I am – that a guy on my arm pumps up my worth. Great to reflect on this as life is very different now and I am embracing being single!
A while back I went to a reunion and felt and looked amazing. As I talked with people I hadn’t seen for a few years I was asked ” Do you have a boyfriend” – as if this was the reason I felt so great. The thought that I could look and feel so amazing because I had learned to love myself hadn’t crossed their minds. Being single for me now has been a huge learning, as when newly single I realised how needy I was when in relationship, and how I constantly gave my power away. We get what we need.
We are love whether we are single or with a partner, how much of this love that we know and feel are we expressing? If there is no holding back of this love, would it matter whether we are single or not? When we are full, is there room for ideals or beliefs? I have realised for myself that being single just like having a partner can become an ideal and in that there is no love.
Great blog Gyl – it certainly renders nought those crazy ideals and programs that we have allowed to get ingrained in us.
From the age of 17 to the age of 60 I was always in a relationship with a man – got married three times, and I have to say I hugely enjoyed those relationships and being in relationship with men (even despite the bad parts!) But at the age of 60 I saw that i did not want to live out my years with someone, a very lovely man, who drank alcohol. I made my choice and I am now single and 68. I have found these years single to be very productive and enjoyable, and yet i think if a beautiful man came along I would say yes to being with him. Whether married or single, I feel that what matters most is the quality in which one lives life – and not the fact that one is single or married.
When society accepts that having the ability to love ourselves first is more important than looking for love outside of ourselves, being single will be accepted as being perfectly normal.
It occurs to me now, in reading this blog, how the word ‘single’ really singles you out, makes a person separate – as if you are not a part of the greater movements that society are going through. This seems terribly unfair because the level of commitment to yourself that you have to give to not be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is huge and we can all learn from having these people in our lives who are not willing to compromise.
Absolutely Shami and are they singled out because they are challenging the norm and others feel uncomfortable as it exposes the arrangements that they are in to avoid this feared state?
We absorb so many harmful beliefs as we grow up with what is expected of us as the ‘norm’ but there is real beauty and power when you claim “accepting the powerful and amazing woman I am – and to live this – whether I am with someone or not?”
This is a common belief of women, ‘why did I feel I was not enough? I realised what a huge impact these thoughts had played out in my life, and that they stemmed from a lack of self-worth.’ And it is not even true, we can cap ourselves with beliefs that are false, time to let these go.
The pressure in society to measure ourselves and our worth by the relationships that we are in, or not, impacts us and the relationships we develop hugely. We seek, pressure and impose on others to fullfill a need that only can come from developing a loving relationship with ourselves. We are not encouraged to explore the relationship with ourselves, with the power of Love within us that has no need to prove a thing as it is already everything. The truth of all that we are is found within, were the Love we are awaits to be embraced, claimed, lived and celebrated with all.
The fact is that most relationships hide a plethora of lack of self worth and an unsteadiness in ourselves, as we essentially prop each other up and give each other what we need to get by. If being single is an opportunity to break these patterns and be able to stand on our own two feet, love ourselves deeply and be able to offer another person true love – what could be bad about that?
After a while of being single I had recently ventured into having a relationship and all the pictures I had of what it would now be like where just not true. I really got to learn that if I don’t have a solid foundation of loving myself then I will not have the quality of relationship with another that I would like to have- that it really does start with me.
Awesome Gyl and very true, I took my daughter to see a Disney movie yesterday and I was only considering how harming the messages of life is boring until a man comes along and saves you scenario is being reinforced in movies, book and tv constantly. It would be so much more empowering and supportive for children of all ages to have more real role models about being yourself and connecting to the love that is within and appreciating all the beautiful and amazing qualities you bring – learning this from a young age there would not be self esteem issues or the need to find another person to complete them.
One of the deepest and most destroying thoughts a person can have, is to think that there is something wrong with them. In whatever guise this may take, with whichever words. The central intent to do harm is in the thought that you are broken. You are never truly broken. You may experience things that you wish you hadn’t. You may make choices you wish you had not. But the core of who you are is never touched by these events. And in that case you are always essentially a beautiful man or a beautiful woman, fully and completely.
This is so true: “Everything is being set up for girls to grow up into women to feel incomplete without a partner. All these stories dull down the truth and power of what it is to be a woman, whether we are in an intimate relationship or not.”
Sadly, we are distracted from the beauty that lies within us all – we are distracted into seeking a pot of Gold that lies outside of ourselves, and so we fall for this hook line and sinker. But all the time, the love that we are resides within us, like embers of a fire that never dies out, waiting for that day for us to realise that it is there, to feed the fire, allow it to grow and then to share it with everyone else too.
Recently someone asked me “Do you have a partner?”. Quickly I found myself justifying my single state telling “No I don’t have a partner but maybe some day I would like to…” I felt so insecure. What I’ve realized is that I didn’t believe at all that I’m more than enough being single. It’s huge the impact of mass media, magazines and films that we received since our early childhood and how this affects and condition our way to see to ourselves as a women in the society. It seems like we are incomplete being single when this is not true. I don’t have any reason to justify myself to fit in the ideals and images that society imposes. We are all already perfect and amazing human beings.
I have been single for most of my adult life, I carried a lot of protection and a lack of self worth, thinking I was not good enough for any man. I created a body that reflected this too. Over the last few years I have been working on loving myself more and can now feel much more confident of myself. It was these changes that supported me to start to date as I could feel I wanted to share my life with another. I have been dating someone for 4 months and ended the relationship yesterday. While the man I was dating was gorgeous I realised that there was still a lack of true love as the foundation in the relationship and I realised he was resisting allowing the relationship to go deeper, I wanted more than this and so shared this with him. It made me realise how much has changed that previously I didn’t think I was worthy of a relationship to now recognising that there is a level of love that I won’t accept less than this. Whether I am single or not I want love in my life and relationships and we are all worthy of this.
You’re right. Everything is totally set up for girls to believe they are incomplete, insufficient and unworthy without the arm of a man to accompany them through grown-up life. Thus the quest for Prince Charming is established, putting extreme pressure on potential suitors to match the ideal, just as in the fairytales. The whole thing is pure illusion and simply keeps both men and women from appreciating and accepting their own natural quality, their individual essence and – most importantly – the true power they have that is available to them and to others once it’s acknowledged and embraced.
We will come to remember that ‘being single’ is simply not possible, it’s like a patch of the Atlantic ocean feeling separate from the Atlantic ocean! We are all One united love.
It is crazy how we think we have to be in a relationship to be seen as successful in the world we live in, yet to actually know ourselves and have a relationship with ourselves is far more fulfilling. If we all learnt to understand and know ourselves first, all our relationships would be on a more equal and honest foundation.
My question would be, did we need to be in a relationship growing up? I would say the answer is no, as we are so content at being and playing with ourselves when we are growing up, that it doesn’t even cross our minds whether there are friends there to play with or not. So what is it that has changed since then? What is it that makes us think we need to be with someone? A lack of self worth , a feeling of not being good enough?
That’s a good question Gyl. I always needed being involved in a relationship because my lack of self worth, and when the “magic moment” finished I felt quiet sad, frustrated and empty. Then I just wanted to go away and I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I wondered “If this is the man of my dreams…why I’m feeling like that?”
Now, I’m single and learning everyday to love myself first because is just then when I can truly love to everyone. I’ve realized that this emotion of needines of someone who love me is not true love. When I attended the courses of Universal Medicine I truly started a deep and a loving relationship with myself. This allowed me to appreciate me more and more and I could let go all the beliefs about myself and all the pictures that I had of me and men.
I’m not single in truth. I’m in love with myself. I’m still learning to be in this new way but I can say that I can feel complete as I’ve never felt before and so inspired to keep on knowing the amazing woman that I am.
It is dawning on me that although we are clearly designed to be in relationships there is actually absolutely nothing wrong with us if we are not in a relationship with a partner. Up until this moment I have always felt that being single was completely abnormal and not the way I was designed to be… Now I can feel that is simply the way things are and there is no right or wrong way to be. If there was as much focus on the true fairy tale where we fall in love with ourselves as there is on the ‘Disney princess’ with her prince charming the world would be a very different place.
Coming back and reading this blog, it’s made me stop and think, is it really all the ideals and beliefs we are fed that are to blame, or is it the fact that we knowingly chose to walk away from God and love. So rather than face up to the truth, we choose an energy ( prana) that is not divine, from which we can create and feed ourselves all this stuff so we can indulge in it – it has been our own making. If we choose to connect straight back to our true divine source, God and connect to the energy of fire – then there would be no books about knights in shining armour rescuing princesses, stories of Mr Right, or finding the one – for in truth we are all one and come from the one.
Such a great blog Gyl, I am a single women and have been asked all the questions you get asked many times over. Or when people have learned that I have indeed been married, but now divorced, it is like they feel relieved because they can ‘pop me in a box’, one that makes them feel more comfortable. But to see a beautiful, single, woman with no children in here early 40’s, usually raises the flag with some people, that there is something desperately wrong. I used to buy into that also, feeling the pangs of societal pressures, then add into my own hurts or issues and it used to be a recipe for feeling less than, feeding a cycle of low self worth and the like. That is not the case now, feeling my worth and value of who I am and what bring, without the neediness of having to be in a relationship or have children. The most liberating feeling in the world.
I have to say, to see the truth written as you have, is deeply inspiring.
The ways in which we are not free are so subtle. Not sitting in jail doesn’t mean that we are living as free beings. Being free is determined by the way I allow myself to observe thoughts, energy, actions and my intentions.
‘Everything is being set up for girls to grow up into women to feel incomplete without a partner.’ Thank you for addressing this. Young girls (and boys) are horribly influenced by everything that is aired on TV and printed in magazines and such. They have no reason to question the truth of what they hear and what they see around them. They don’t realize that none of this has their best interest in mind but only to find new ways to sell a product and make money. Believing that we are not ok the way we are and that we need a lot to have a perfect and happy life is playing right into their cards. I say no more of this. All we need has been right inside of us all along.
It is so important to feel our own love, as society is so concentrated on the ideals and beliefs of relationships. They can’t ever fulfill our own self worth, so there shouldn’t be a difference if we are, or if we are not, in a relationship.
It’s true Benkt – if we didn’t impose our ideals and beliefs on everyone else, and allowed them to be themselves – we and the world would be in a very different place.And I would say with a lot less illness and disease. I watch it in schools, kids constantly telling each other what to do and how to be, and I have to admit it feels awful, you can see peoples bodies contract or the joy disappear from their face completely, it’s like their light goes out, it’s simply abuse.
Living in society might be tricky if we are invested in it. It is impossible to satisfy everyone around. When a woman is single there are a lot of questions as you correctly pointed out, Gyl. When a woman is married ther are still questions, a bit different like Are you going to have children? Why not? How many? All sort of questions about your relationship with your partner and kids. We are bombarded by ideals and beliefs front, back, left and right.
The only way to stay true to yourself and not bend is self love and deep appreciation of yourself.
You are a great example of it Gyl, thank you for sharing your delightful awesomeness.
This is such a great blog in so many ways Gyl Rae, just one of them I will comment on for now is the realization that “these are not my thoughts” that is such a mind blowing concept that we can be so influenced by the popular culture we are bombarded with every day and we are not as free to think as we might think. Our minds that fell for this trap cannot get us out of it, it is only by trusting our heart felt feelings can we recognize what is really going on. It is very liberating to be able to feel and nominate in our society and our media where these impositions show up and how sneaky and tricky they are to hook you in.
To live as we are, to compromise but not compromise ourselves, relationships feel like they offer a reflection and a steady pull to be more open and loving. Yet first and foremost to create a success of any type of relationship we have to build the one with ourselves first. It is like the company of someone who is at ease with themselves and not projecting any needs onto another, that is a person whom others wish to be around, as if drawn by a magnet which of course in many ways we are. It can always work the other way as well, where the loving reflection another offers is too bright and we shy away from the light.
Great points Stephan. The wonderful thing is that when we do not need others in any way we do not mind if they choose to shy away or draw close. We maintain the ease we feel because we are in a rock solid relationship with ourselves.
So could it be that we seek a form of comfort in relationships by playing it safe and going for what we know rather than the next step of evolution – the light / reflection we are being offered by another.
Gyl Rae, thank you for exposing the insidious trap set up for young women and men alike. Girls are constantly bombarded with the ideal that they will not feel complete until they find their man. To complete the set up it is assumed that the couple will not have any trouble because their romantic love will carry them through to live happily ever after, completely ignoring the need to build the love with each other. So both single and partnered girls are betrayed by the same illusion that completely denies and suppresses the natural strength and glory of a woman’s wisdom and love.
It is a big ask to make someone else responsible for our self worth. It is a huge pressure to put on a relationship and one that ultimately will not work to accept more love we have to accept that we are love.1
When I read your sharing Gyl, it reminds me on how important it is to expose all our ideas and beliefs. As you say, we can carry the beliefs and ideas with us for years or maybe even for lifetimes. They can have such a power and they can control how we go through life until the time we expose them and realize, that they don’t make sense at all. As you say, we are all love in our essence and complete, with partner or without a partner.
What enormous pressure we have build in our societies that are reflected in our fairy tales and romantic movies of how a woman and man should be and what a relationship should look like. We are constantly asked to look outside of ourselves as the ultimate distraction from what is already within.
‘We are constantly asked to look outside of ourselves as the ultimate distraction from what is already within.’ Wonderful.
Gyl, I have been a single woman for 10 years by choice. IN the pst I would have not so great relationships as I would enter them from an absolute lack of self worth on the one hand and yearning for this strong men to lean against (so I did not have to stand in my own power) on the other hand. It came to a point where I felt I had to have a deeply loving and honouring relationship with myself first before entering into a relationship with an other and this then became my choice. After lots of healing and building I then opened up to a relationship again on very different grounds, on of living the love I am and sharing and developing this with the partner of my choice.
Well Said Martin. Who set those beliefs? who said that is the way it has to be? and why do we let them get in the way of enjoying life? makes so much sense to me.
A very important relationship is the one we have with self, often people don’t have self love or self appreciation making it hard to truly love another. If we enter into a relationship without first establishing a strong sense of self worth, and a sense of self love then we are going to fall for a partner and need them to love us, but there is no love for self. This scenario is very common and is why relationships like this are not sustainable. My best relationships/friendships have come when I have been full and complete in myself and I can enjoy the qualities of another person rather than ask them to love me, which is exhausting for them.
So true Harrison. If we are not be able to build an intimate and a loving relationship with ourselves first, how could we are in a relationship with another? It’s truly beautiful just sharing our qualities without expectations, pressures, pictures…It’s a pure sharing of love that everyone knows because we did in our childhood.
I recently was reminded of how important it is to claim ourselves in full before we go into any relationship. It is insidiously ingrained in us to even on minor and subtle levels, compromise a little on who we truly are for the other and the relationship, seemingly so, and this is extremely harmful and detrimental on both. It is so so super important to claim yourself in full first so being single and loving it is awesome!
I used to think that I needed a partner in order to feel safe, and ticking the box of how to fit in. The more I trust myself, the less I need anything to hide behind. Nowadays I would love to have a partner – not because I need one, but to share and evolve with.
Well said Helen, I agree.
There is such beauty in standing tall, on our own, without the need to belong or be part of another. There is also the same beauty in standing tall, in relationship with ourselves and to also be in relationship with another.
It is absolutely gorgeous to feel you embracing yourself and all your beauty in this way Gyl. And why not? This is an amazing inspiration for us all and not to mention the truest and most empowering way to live life. Most tend to hide when they get in a relationship and embrace their beauty less and less and hence the empowerment of knowing and embracing yourself in full first.
It’s interesting how our ideals stem from our experiences in our childhood. I totally rebelled against the idea of getting married purely because I was witnessing my parents marriage which was dysfunctional. I did not want to go down the same route so made a pact with myself never to get married! I now realise this decision came from a deep hurt and was just as much of an ideal as wanting to get married. Either way they are ideals that come from our minds and out of reaction to what is going on around us without truly feeling what is right for us at the time.
Very true Rebecca. We base so many of our decisions in life on the hurts we have experienced.
It’s so important to choose to be aware of the pictures that we have chosen to believe and keep ourselves captive by rather than take responsibility for ourselves. I know I bought into the prince charming would come and save me so I’d not have to take responsibility for myself.
I dreamt I’d meet someone and I’d live whichever part of the world they lived – all because I didn’t want to be responsible for getting to know who I truly was and making choices from this place. I wanted to avoid making mistakes at all costs so I got numb to who I truly was and looked outside myself for guidance so lost my sense of myself. I choose partners based on the pictures I’d bought into. I asked them to look after me (whilst confusingly acting seemingly independent – I used to like time to myself to refuel -putting on the perfect partner act took energy! But equally, being alone I could feel how disconnected and empty I was, so I’d oscillate between the two).
Whether I had a partner or not the result was the same – I was deferring to these pictures and ideals and neither relating to them or myself. I constantly measured us up individually and as a couple to these perfect pictures – no-one came off well and I always felt I was missing out. I was, but not on the man I hadn’t yet met, but on knowing me and being me with everyone I meet.
The pressure to be in a relationship is still huge in most parts of the world although I think it is lessening gradually. I can still remember years ago a sense of relief that came with dating because I could show others that I was ‘normal’. Back then it didn’t occur to me to question the status quo around expectations for people to be in a relationship but your blog certainly raises issues that I could say applied to me and everyone I knew at the time. The concept of self love was very foreign and it has taken me many years to chip away at these old ideals and beliefs.
It is true Gyl Rae, there are so many impositions on us to fit into a society that is largely dysfunctional. So many people have gone against their own feelings in order to fit in it seems like we are all just fitting in and not many of us are making our life choices based on what is true for us. When we do this its like selling out ourselves. It is great to feel someone like you Gyl Rae who does not buy into those impositions and lives naturally joyful and honoring what you feel to be true. To someone who has sold out, they could feel resentful they did not honor their own feelings, or they could be inspired by this blog.
I had taken on so many ideals and beliefs since childhood about finding the ‘one’ that I felt I would never be happy if I didn’t get married. It just seemed that was what everyone was doing around me and I would follow suit. I found ‘Mr Right’ and entered the relationship very needy; all I wanted was for someone to look after me! How this has all changed since attending Universal Medicine. I am still in the same relationship but how I feel about myself has changed dramatically. The more I connect to me, be with me, the less controlling and insecure I am. I now see myself in the relationship not coming from need but because of choice, supporting me to evolve. So it doesn’t matter whether we are in a relationship or not, it is the connection we have to ourselves that is key that brings true fulfilment that I was for so long seeking outside of myself.
Caroline, I really enjoyed reading your comment and the changes that you have experienced are very significant. What you share is powerful, “So it doesn’t matter whether we are in a relationship or not, it is the connection we have to ourselves that is key that brings true fulfilment that I was for so long seeking outside of myself.” I wonder with these changes in yourself how this has supported the evolving of your marriage and your husband?
It is so twisted how we have been taught from young that life is all about finding The One. All the while, we are The One already. It’s a matter of connecting to who we truly are, and if we haven’t done that, no relationships ever can be satisfying. It seems that most people use relationships as a disguise that dismisses them from going deeper into themselves. I know for me – I have had a tendency to lose myself in relationships, and until that wont happen, I need to work on the love for myself first and foremost.
Thank you for a insightful blog, Gyl, with The Punchline that says it all: “I am love, and the love I had been looking for all along is actually inside of me.”
I have of all those thoughts and beliefs we grow up with as tapes running in my head that I can switch off in an instant but that are always ready to be switched back on again. My achilles heel is that I am more familiar with them and it has been easier to default back to them rather ‘than accept the powerful and amazing woman I am’…the tide is changing as I make different choices for myself and re-write the story line about what it is to be a woman. There is no ‘rescue me’ myth to be played out. There is only, be open to the love we all carry inside and take that in activity into the world. Everything is affected by this and being in a relationship is simply another expression of this, not an essential missing piece of the puzzle.
Well said Matilda Clark. Being in a relationship/married is just another way to express love and it does not mean that if we are not in a relationship/marriage that we cannot express love or that we are somehow less. What a lie we have bought into and what a great one to see through and discard.
In reading this blog by Gyl, I am discovering how the journey in to womanhood is made so much sweeter when it is shared with people who are equally as keen to explore life beyond the fantasy and the lies we are fed about what a woman should be like.
I often get asked the question about when I am getting married as if it is not a choice for me. I’ve even had family members and relatives tell me in a bossy way just to “hurry up” about it. And I have bought into the lie for a long time that having a husband would complete me when in truth I know it is only in accepting the love within me that allows me to feel complete and share this with others.
Thank you Gyl, it’s a much needed message in this world. As women from a young age, we do impose so much of our needs on men to fit our ideal pictures which is not really fair on them and doesn’t allow them to just be.
Men have also been indoctrinated to believe that without a partner in his life by his thirties, there must be something wrong with him. I have had many people, especially women (trying to be kind) say things like – you should have a wife! Get married! etc etc. May be one day. May be not. Either way, i am not attached to the idea. I do know that I am feeling ‘married’ to me in a deeper sense than ever before and this is a relationship that I am surrendering to with greater depth everyday.
Very true Jinya, I am 20 and still have some sort of expectation or belief that I will be married in my 20s. Again, the fear of ‘being alone’ or not being accepted by people creeps in, but When I feel my full self I don’t actually plan much into the future, I have an idea of how I want things to be but give much more focus to the present allowing me to feel at ease with whatever may present itself.
‘Everything is being set up for girls to grow up into women to feel incomplete without a partner.’
Gyl you have a exposed a very common belief and its awful and true.
At work I have noticed that its common for people to ask girls and women if they have a boyfriend or husband and with this line of questioning the whole assumption that they are heterosexual is thrown in the mix also. I remember one young lady being asked and she looked at the person with great discomfort as the question pushed her into having to be partnered AND not being able about to express something as delicate as her gender preference.
We are who we are regardless of if we are single or in relationship. A relationship can not make us better or more, only we can bring that to ourselves.
I have been single for quite a long time now. About 6 years since my last longterm relationship, which didn’t last very long. It’s not that I don’t want to commit to a relationship. I have needed this time to develop a relationship with myself, to begin to building my self-worth and love. To learn to commit to this relationship has been really important for me. I am enjoying being single more than ever before and the feeling that I actually don’t need anyone to be a partner is a very freeing feeling.
“Why did I feel I needed to be with a man, why did I feel I was not enough?” I love this question you raised in your amazing blog Gyl and I love the answer you found namely that that your are love, and that the love you had been looking for all along is actually inside of you and in all of us – how beautiful and inspiring is that.
Living the love that you are with someone is very special, and for me, it is one of the most important truths; to be self loving. Very liberating
The relationship with ourselves is something that is never discussed and is quite foreign and even strange to many. The fact is we all have a relationship with ourselves, but don’t realise that it’s happening because it’s not based on love, our innermost love. It is based on goal posts that move, ideals that change and the slippery slope of what others think.
Well said Matthew and so true. Why is it so foreign to know ourselves?
A great point Matthew. It seems that we only celebrate ourselves when something “good” happens and look to that something outside of ourselves for confirmation. When things don’t go our way we take that as confirmation that we are not much good or have failed in some way. It is totally foreign that we celebrate and appreciate ourselves consistently in the knowledge of what we in our essence bring to everyone else. As Kathryn asks “Why is it so foreign to know ourselves in this way?”
“Being a single woman in this world can often be seen as if there is something wrong with you.” I can relate to this, but more importantly I used to think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t have a partner. I am glad to say this belief about myself disappeared many moons ago, but it was deeply entrenched. Now I know all that was needed was of me to value the most important relationship of all – one with myself… after all, this is the 1st relationship I was born with and the last one I will be taking with me.
Beautifully put Rachel. The most important relationship of all is with self as without this there is no connection to God, so I feel it is important to say that although this is the first relationship we are born with it is the only relationship that is ultimately needed because in this relationship to God, we are in relationship to all. This is not something which is done in isolation to all else but is an all encompassing feeling that embraces everyone and everything including the point of death and beyond.
It is great to have article like this one that looks at what it is to be single. We need more articles like this which show us the joy that comes when we are connected with ourselves, irrespective of whether we are single or not.
We do experience amazing joy when we are connected to ourselves, this joy is felt whether we are in a relationship or not. The joy comes from the deep connection within ourselves, which is felt within and expressed outwardly.
Yes Elizabeth this is so needed. Within our cultures there is an all pervading ideal that unless you tick the boxes of being in a relationship etc then you can’t find fulfilment and happiness. The idea is that you need someone else, someone outside of you to fill you up. No one ever really talks about the relationship with yourself, that you are always in relationship with yourself – first – before you can be in a relationship with another. This needs to be a fundamental lesson for all in school! It needs to talked widely of because until the penny drops for us we will continue to feel empty and to chase the connection we are missing outside of ourselves.
Children do need to be educated that the most important relationship is with themselves first and foremost.
And that this relationship with ourselves is the foundational one that informs all others. Taking time to develop our love and care for ourselves is the keystone for life and can happen alongside being in life, in relationship with all those we interact with, from our daily passings by, to our families, to our one to ones.
I agree Matilda “taking the time to develop our love and care for ourselves is the key” foundation for all other relationships we have with everybody. The more loving and caring I am with me, the more open, natural, joyful and loving I am with everyone.
What I also realsied when reading your blog was how much society wants us to be a particular way. I find it amazing when people who are single get the comments like you described above, however when and if they choose to get married or have a partner the next question is always when are you having chidren? and then it is when will you have more children? Your not going to only have one child are you? The list goes on.
The ideals and beliefs of society and the images portrayed through the media, have set women up to feel incomplete without a partner. It’s wonderful to feel how empowering it has been for you to not only claim the beautiful woman you are, but that the love you have for yourself enables you to feel complete.
Lacking self worth has been a big thing for me too. I have come to realise that I choose it so that I can stay in the comfortable prison of not feeling enough and staying small. If I choose to connect to my innermost I can feel a universe inside me. When I am with it, there is no such thing as self-worth because it is not even in the vocabulary of love, where every soul is equally held in the same quality.
I have really enjoyed being single for periods within my life and have learnt alot about myself during these. Our first relationship is always with our self and knowing this is a great foundation for all other relationships we have.
I bet every woman can relate to this blog. I have been considering a lot of the same things over the last few years, and have had to admit there has been a real need for a man to make me feel good about myself, secure, wanted, beautiful… yet I’ve never fully committed to a relationship with one. Looking back I haven’t allowed myself to truly feel myself as a single woman, and to know I am enough. It’s well worth considering if these ideals have affected us, and how that looks in our life and relationships today.
What is the purpose of keeping women small? When we think about the way the world is, with women in so few positions of power, women paid less for many jobs, with the worlds traditional religions oppressing women, with so many laws disadvantaging women, with fairy tales telling women that they need a man to be complete, and the list goes on and on, what is it about women that creates such fear and what kind of power is it that women have that is being repressed?
Women have the power to change the world. They hold the essence and stillness for men to find their true nature. They hold harmony, stillness and love as humanity’s true calling. We are all connected, women and men, equal and with complimentary expressions. It is time for women to change things from within.
How arrogant it is to pressure someone into a relationship they are not ready for. Someone who does not really know themselves will not get that through a relationship, and may get further lost. a solid relationship begins with a solid connection to self, and some of us need the grace of time to build that.
Bernard you raise a great point here, ” How arrogant it is to pressure someone into a relationship they are not ready for. Someone who does not really know themselves will not get that through a relationship, and may get further lost” I have done that in the past. It is important to allow another or yourself for that matter to be where they or you are at. This is true love.
I love this line about ‘the grace of time to build’ a solid connection with ourselves. This is the formative relationship that effects all others, so if we are ducking responsibility, commitment and care here that will undermine every other relationship we have, spreading the disconnect and irresponsibility further. Grace is a really powerful thing and is the space and inspiration to feel our true exquisiteness in full. A beautiful word and invitation. Thank you, Bernard.
I have had many flings, affairs and relationships all coming from a deep hurt of not feeling enough, a lack of self-worth and thinking that I need a man to feel complete. It took me to be in my fourties to actually honestly realize that I need to have a relationship with myself first and foremost and that all the love I have been looking for outside of myself, is actually inside me. No man, not even a prince on a horse, can complete me.
Thank you Martin. I would go so far to say everybody in the world at some point in our life “give ourselves a hard time, because we’re measuring ourselves against an idea or a belief” that are not true.
There are millions of pictures in our head and from outside being fed to us, we are bombarded every single day, not only with relationships but with everything else. What Serge Benhayon presents, lives and shares, is the fact there is another way to live, one that is free from beliefs and constraints. That these pictures we are fed are not true, they are not real, we will never be able to reach them because they don’t exist. And that we have a choice and a responsibility to say no to this.
Go for it Susan, I love it, you could have s much fun, plus it would bust so many pictures along the way. I have said to people, mainly kids and teenager, when asked the question or really presented with the statement ‘you love yourself’ – ‘yes I do’. At times they are blown away by this as we have been fed the belief that loving yourself is arrogant and selfish when that is so far tom the truth. Arrogance in my book is selfish only about you, or being better than another – stemming from a lack of self worth, loving yourself is a different ball game altogether, it’s about cherishing how amazing and precious you are and celebrating that with the world, knowing everyone is equally the same as you.
I love what you both shared – what a great and inspiring idea to answer “I love myself”. It makes so much more sense than answering “I am not in love in the moment”. And I agree Gyl “it would bust so many pictures along the way” and that is something worth to do.
Gyl I had experienced before I met my husband similar comments as you, it use to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. Now having been married for 9 years, I get asked have you got children, do you want any? I no longer get caught or upset anyone. With the support of Esoteric practitioners I have a greater understanding of what my body is going through and I am building a deeper relation with myself.
If I had 3 wishes I would wish a) you being the leading actress in a Disney movie, b) the movie being about the topic of this article c) the movie being shown in all schools to teenagers.
Sounds like a perfect suggestion!
That would be my three wishes as well. Can I do the PR?
Thanks Gyl, this is a great expose on the many ideals and beliefs we buy into when it comes to being single missing the opportunity that is present for us to develop our own relationship with ourselves and healing until the time that we don’t feel we need to have another in oder to feel complete, but we have a total knowing that we are enough being us and sharing that with others.
Awesome blog and so exposing of how we are in the world so held by our believes and ideals: “At the time these comments made me smile, as I was able to see where they were coming from … beliefs and ideals we grow up with and then believe to be our own.” I now feel like you, seeing how the world is around being single and having to have relationships is almost to ridiculous to be true, wouldn’t it be the reality for most! Which is actually quite sad to see. I have been also held in these believes that I wouldn’t be complete without a man and that was quite a horrible ‘prison’ to be in. Especially now I feel that there is so much more to me as a woman than being in a relationship with a man. I feel deeply beautiful and the power in me as a woman is the biggest joy in my day to feel as it is growing and growing more now I start accepting it.
Love your comment Lieke, this sentence stood out; ‘ Especially now I feel that there is so much more to me as a woman than being in a relationship with a man’. I am feeling the power of you as a woman and all that you bring….
Absolutely Jacqueline and Lieke, there is so much more to all of us than being in a relationship with anyone! So often we make being in a relationship the be all and end all of life. But if we were to allow ourselves to be all that we are and simply enjoy our gorgeousness we might actually be able to enjoy life no matter if we are in a relationship or not, and anyone we relate to would be graced with our beautiful presence.
Yes reading this again and your words Rebecca, make me even more aware how most of my life I had this idea that in the end yes it was ultimately about being in a relationship. Life was very much about finding a boyfriend for me for a long time. Letting go of this idea has been a gradual process and sometimes little bits still come up but it is as you say a life that is full of the gorgeousness of me being me in ful in all my relationships. I think it also puts less pressure on a reltionship to be the One perfect reltionship. As already feeling complete in myself.