Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions.
I know that for us, having our first child – as with many parents – was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child – she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy.
So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world.
We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything… that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.
Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.
It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.
We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility.
It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed; our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening.
We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her – she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that.
As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.
It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.
Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
Published with permission from Michael Serafin.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting
645 Comments
Nicole this way of parenting makes sense to me
‘It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.’
I have found from my own experience that children actually want boundaries as it gives them a sense of steadiness they can rely on. I have also witnessed parents who bring their children up with no boundaries and then expect their teenager to behave like an adult when they have not been given any ground rules and so are in the most part uncontrollable and that can be quite scary for them and their parents.
Setting boundaries and consequences supports anyone to understand cause and effect.
One of the super sad things about young adults these days is that they don’t know themselves, they don’t know their worth or their potential and one of the reasons for this is because of lack of boundaries when growing up.
I agree with you anonymous children and young adults are growing up under such pressures such as they must succeed and be successful and if they don’t achieve this then they have failed in some way. The health statistics tells us that depression, anxiety, and suicide has sky rocketed over the last 10 years in children and young adults. My question has to be why are we failing our children so that they feel they cannot cope with life.
Thank you Nicole, I agree, as every reflection in life has to have a starting point and thus our way of living has to match our words as we all have felt what someone else’s un-lived try to fix another feels like.
When we give our children boundaries and responsibility we are actually providing a strong foundation for an amazing life.
There are so many pictures we have about what parenting is, and in my experience, it has supported no end to let them go. Each of my children are different and they need a different form of my expression from me, but most of all they simply need me to be myself as it is to this they wish to connect. The more I am myself, the more content, contained and reassured they are – the more permission they have to simply be themselves too.
Having boundaries and consequences is so important for any child. Otherwise they are left ‘at sea’ and tantrums can continue longer than the terrible twos as they know they can always get their own way. Learning responsibility at a young age enables them to grow into responsible adults.
I feel that if we raised our children to understand choices and the consequences of those choices from a young age it would be a huge support for them to grow up and be responsible adults. For my part I don’t see this occurring with the children of today from my experience they are being brought up by irresponsible parents who then when they are confronted by a ‘stroppy’ teenager throw up their hands and say something like
“after all I have done for you, you turn out like this”
We all need boundaries and consequences for life will provide this for us in the end, if we do not provide them for ourselves.
With out learning consequences we remain unaware and stagnant.
“Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?” the answer is all the time. Without boundaries and consequences we become irresponsible adults.
Its funny when we consider that it’s only children need consequences, we all need them – and some.
Parents need consequences and boundaries as much as children do, and in some cases – more than children do.
When do we need consequences and boundaries – constantly. We all need to feel the results of our actions.
This is true, we all need boundaries, and to know there are consequences, it is part of having responsibility, ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her’.
Children can be called ‘cheeky’ or be reprimanded when they expose a grown up however the grown-ups’ reaction clarifies that they have felt the truth of what the child has offered them.
Having boundaries and a knowing of consequences provides a foundation of security, a point of trust, from which a child can explore their world and have a place of surety to return to.
So true Jonathan. The world can be a scary place if a child feels omnipotent in that their whims are always adhered to. We all need boundaries in life. Hence the need for law and order because even adults are shown to not respect their responsibilities, so major consequences such as prison and community service are needed in order to teach us. Whether these work is another matter……
We need boundaries and consequences all the time, they are a reality. Both adults and children need to know them well. They promote responsibility for children and adults. The joy of it is all a part of the fun of living and learning.
I work in the care industry and there is always a steady stream of staff that break the law. I have always felt that the boundaries that people adhere to are set by themselves rather than the organisation. There are many people whose work is exemplary and they are the ones that never need boundaries.
What is it about children that makes them one step ahead some of the time? It confirms for me that there is something within us all that plays a game sometimes and our awareness is crucial when setting the boundaries so it’s a consistent and honest setting that children understand and also are a part of.
To understand boundaries and consequences is so important in our development, otherwise we can think we can go around doing anything without realising the effect we have on others. One of the best things the criminal system can do is to get the thief and the thieved together to meet, for the thief to see how his/her actions have impacted the other person.
Apart from supporting children with boundaries I have also found it important not to have any investments in my children doing anything or achieving anything in particular. If I have investments in them they are felt as an imposition, nor are they given the space to learn in their own time from their own choices. As parents we are in it for the long haul and often we just simply need to give our children space to be where they are at so that they can feel deeply, raising their own awareness and bringing that to their learning. If they are still not getting it that’s when we step in with the pull ups – their choice as to whether they align or not.
‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out,’ This is so important. if we want to raise our children to understand their responsibility then they need to be treated as the equals they are. To give them permission to pull you up as a parent is empowering for all the family.
As a child or as an adult, it is through consequences that we learn best in life.
To grow up without impositions and being allowed to be who you are is indeed possible as I have been witness to some children being brought up like this. However it is certainly the exception and not the norm in our current society. I am not here referring to New Age parenting where the child is allowed to ‘do’ whatever they want, but rather to a more natural way of parenting where old school boundaries are present in terms of what is ok to do or not do, however, who and how the child is, is not imposed upon. This is a beautiful and respectful way to be brought up.
Boundaries are so needed; they make children feel safe. As parents if we can understand their importance we can reduce anxiety levels in children that seem to be so incredibly prolific at the moment.
I love what you have shared here Nicole that parenting a child begins with parenting yourself first.
Yes, if we are unable to parent ourselves, then we will struggle to parent another.
Every move we do is observed by children so when as parents behave in a way that is responsible and has boundaries, we can show our children by reflection this is how life is , there are always consequences with any action.
“She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions. ” What a life lesson to be learning from such a early age. Awesome work.
Without consequences that are consistent we don’t end up supporting our kids to be all of whom they are. It can be easy to let things slide but then our kids don’t know what is true and what is not.
I’m with you there David. If there is is one thing children need is consistency. It does indeed present truth over and over again.
Yes David, it is the consistency with carrying out the consequences that truly supports children otherwise they get to know that they can get away with things that are not supportive, not just towards themselves but towards the whole of the family.
Our every move a gesture has a consequence, on everyone, including our children, so we would do well to be aware of our own boundaries.
I so agree Joseph, my mother was very strict with me but that is not the same as boundaries, in fact it was domination. Without the care to educate a child about their own boundaries they do not feel safe in their environment or even with themselves. It takes a lifelong learning to redress the balance and learn about the consequences.
Confusion sets in when boundaries that have been set are then crossed, or when two parents/adults disagree on where the boundaries should be. When this happens, theres no wonder a child can grow up feeling unsure of who they are and what they can do or not do.
Spot on Sandra – as parents how important is is to be on the same page otherwise this creates instability and confusion.
And a opportunity for the children to feel a confused
I agree Sandra, so many parents have a good and bad cop but there’s no unity or shared philosophy in this style of parenting and the kids know which parent to go to for what. Parenting should be based on a shared philosophy and preferably one that has love and truth as it’s guiding principles rather than fear and punishment.
Children who understand the boundaries learn very quickly and grow up into responsible adults. The games are exposed so there’s nowhere else to go with them, and children are great examples of how we can change so easily once we accept that.
It is beautiful for children to have gentle, responsible, honest, true role models – what a great way to raise children.
I’m with you there, and what a great way to parent ourselves. Most of us have not had the ideal parenting, so using boundaries and consequences for ourselves, alongside the willingness to learn, dedicated to our evolution – this is gold.