Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions.
I know that for us, having our first child – as with many parents – was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child – she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy.
So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world.
We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything… that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.
Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.
It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.
We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility.
It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed; our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening.
We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her – she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that.
As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.
It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.
Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
Published with permission from Michael Serafin.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting
574 Comments
” So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions.” – agree Nicole, and also this is why it makes sense to me that a couple just don’t raise their (own) child, but those close around them do too since a child given their unique expression, benefits and needs different expressions other than those of their biological parents. As adults we are all responsible for the raising of a child in their truth.
If children don’t feel it is coming from someone living what they are expressing is the boundary, not only do they react to the boundary but they are being set up to believe that living the same double standard is okay to take into their own adult lives.
When love is the boundary, we find there are no limits to consequences since every consequence rooted in love is destined only for our evolving and evolution.
It is really key that it starts with ourselves first. But I would not claim that this always results in cooperation rather it could produce a lot of resistance very dependant on the individuals relationship with love.
I wish I had to feel more consequences in my childhood. I would have saved many years of returning back to a state of being that fully takes responsibility for their actions and who chooses things to do with respect to others, instead of thinking that I can get away with it anyway. In fact I got truly mature through these different choices- as I respected other peoples boundaries and met them at eye level .
Only reading the title my answer is YES! It is pure love to set boundaries instead of letting your child do whatever it wants. It communicates that you actually truly care- you truly care about their potential and whenever they come below that, you pull them up to not continue with needs or behaviours, that let their potential delay instead of blossom.
This blog is beautiful Nicole and highlights how the quality of our movements and choices (or not) is what children learn from by observation backed up with the consistent way of living from the one they are observing.
. “As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt”.
It is so refreshing hearing about parents who do their best to bring us a child knowing who she is and not compromising herself in any way
Indeed, we can support children by connecting with them and honouring their equal ability to feel life and understand what is happening in life.
No matter how parents parented, having a child is taking on a forever evolving responsibility. There is never a right or wrong just a deeper responsibility we take with ourselves and our children.
The setting of boundaries based on understanding the consequences of our actions is based on a loving way of life which will serve humanity well.
When we as parents live our lives knowing there are boundaries and consequences, it is the most normal thing to reflect to our children the same way of living in this responsible way. Even when the child is super aware, they can also get caught if we are not supporting them to live their truth.
There are no single set of rules that work with every or even a single child however our loving boundaries provide space in which they can learn from themselves.
Of Course it’s not just children who need loving boundaries we all need to have clear roles and responsibilities and aware of the consequences when we go out of these.
It offers so much more wisdom to read your kids rather than parenting books. The more I am open to responding to what is needed, the more I understand what our toddler needs to grow and develop
It is through consequences that we truly understand the affect/effect of our choices for ourselves and for everyone around us, and allows us to develop an awareness of true responsibility in our life.
Great point Nicole, ‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ I started parenting with what I learned from observing other parents around me. It didn’t take me long to realise what I have picked up didn’t work. I was at times a bit lost with parenting, as I knew the way I was brought up wouldn’t be how I’d like to parent my own children but I didn’t witness any true parenting in my community until I came to Universal Medicine. I went by what felt true and through observing my relationship with my children I was able to develop my parenting skills through learning from my children and trusting my own inner wisdom.
If there were no consequences, for anything, ever, we’d be even more reckless as a human race. We do what we like to our bodies because often the effects aren’t immediately felt, but it’s the little everyday choices that build up over time, that all affect our health, wellbeing and relationships. Starting to build a loving relationship with our bodies where we tune into what we’re feeling more often, helps to narrow the gap between the action and the consequences- so we get to feel the consequences of our choices much more clearly, and with that, the opportunity to make more supportive choices is much more obvious too.
Teaching our children that every choice has a consequence, not only for them but for all around them, is the greatest lesson they can learn as it will raise them to stay aware, be responsible and all encompassing in the way they live.
This is so important Carolien, what you’ve shared is very much needed in our parenting. To raise our children to be super aware is one of the best ways we can support them through life.