• Home
  • Blog
    • Healthy Lifestyle
    • Relationships
    • Health Problems
    • Social Issues
  • Comments Policy
  • Links
  • Terms of Use
  • Subscribe to the Blog
  • Privacy
  • Contact Us
Everyday Livingness
Parenting, Relationships 575 Comments on Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?

Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?

By Nicole Serafin · On October 29, 2017 ·Photography by Joseph Barker

Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions. 

I know that for us, having our first child – as with many parents – was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child – she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy.  

So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world. 

We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything… that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind. 

Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others. 

It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions. 

We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility. 

It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed; our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening. 

We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her – she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that. 

As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt. 

It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have. 

Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there. 

The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.  

You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.

Published with permission from Michael Serafin.

By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW

Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting

Share

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google
  • LinkedIn
  • More
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Tumblr
  • Pinterest
Share Tweet

Nicole Serafin

Living in Tintenbar with my amazing husband and three beautiful children. Life is simple, uncomplicated and full of magical moments everywhere I look. Birds chirping, kookaburras singing and kids playing outside chasing each other around and around, making me dizzy at times but still glorious to watch. Not a moment goes by where I do not stop to appreciate all that I am, who we are as individuals and how we are together as a family, truly glorious in every way.

You Might Also Like

  • Parenting

    Turning Single Parenting on its Head

  • Male Relationships

    The Bulldozer, and the Butterfly

  • Communication

    Expressing the Unexpressed

575 Comments

  • Mary says: February 1, 2020 at 5:24 pm

    Nicole this way of parenting makes sense to me
    ‘It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.’

    I have found from my own experience that children actually want boundaries as it gives them a sense of steadiness they can rely on. I have also witnessed parents who bring their children up with no boundaries and then expect their teenager to behave like an adult when they have not been given any ground rules and so are in the most part uncontrollable and that can be quite scary for them and their parents.

    Reply
  • Mary Adler says: November 21, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    Setting boundaries and consequences supports anyone to understand cause and effect.

    Reply
  • Annoymous says: September 27, 2019 at 4:52 am

    One of the super sad things about young adults these days is that they don’t know themselves, they don’t know their worth or their potential and one of the reasons for this is because of lack of boundaries when growing up.

    Reply
    • Mary says: February 10, 2020 at 6:21 pm

      I agree with you anonymous children and young adults are growing up under such pressures such as they must succeed and be successful and if they don’t achieve this then they have failed in some way. The health statistics tells us that depression, anxiety, and suicide has sky rocketed over the last 10 years in children and young adults. My question has to be why are we failing our children so that they feel they cannot cope with life.

      Reply
  • Greg Barnes says: July 29, 2019 at 5:03 am

    Thank you Nicole, I agree, as every reflection in life has to have a starting point and thus our way of living has to match our words as we all have felt what someone else’s un-lived try to fix another feels like.

    Reply
  • Sce says: June 18, 2019 at 5:02 am

    When we give our children boundaries and responsibility we are actually providing a strong foundation for an amazing life.

    Reply
  • Michelle McWaters says: May 30, 2019 at 5:55 am

    There are so many pictures we have about what parenting is, and in my experience, it has supported no end to let them go. Each of my children are different and they need a different form of my expression from me, but most of all they simply need me to be myself as it is to this they wish to connect. The more I am myself, the more content, contained and reassured they are – the more permission they have to simply be themselves too.

    Reply
  • Sueq2012 says: May 24, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    Having boundaries and consequences is so important for any child. Otherwise they are left ‘at sea’ and tantrums can continue longer than the terrible twos as they know they can always get their own way. Learning responsibility at a young age enables them to grow into responsible adults.

    Reply
  • Mary says: May 18, 2019 at 12:40 am

    I feel that if we raised our children to understand choices and the consequences of those choices from a young age it would be a huge support for them to grow up and be responsible adults. For my part I don’t see this occurring with the children of today from my experience they are being brought up by irresponsible parents who then when they are confronted by a ‘stroppy’ teenager throw up their hands and say something like
    “after all I have done for you, you turn out like this”

    Reply
  • Ariana says: March 29, 2019 at 3:00 am

    We all need boundaries and consequences for life will provide this for us in the end, if we do not provide them for ourselves.

    Reply
  • Le says: March 28, 2019 at 7:23 am

    With out learning consequences we remain unaware and stagnant.

    Reply
  • LE says: March 13, 2019 at 7:44 am

    “Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?” the answer is all the time. Without boundaries and consequences we become irresponsible adults.

    Reply
  • Ariana says: March 6, 2019 at 8:52 pm

    Its funny when we consider that it’s only children need consequences, we all need them – and some.

    Reply
  • Ariana says: February 27, 2019 at 6:51 am

    Parents need consequences and boundaries as much as children do, and in some cases – more than children do.

    Reply
  • Ariana says: February 22, 2019 at 6:09 pm

    When do we need consequences and boundaries – constantly. We all need to feel the results of our actions.

    Reply
  • Lorraine Wellman says: February 11, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    This is true, we all need boundaries, and to know there are consequences, it is part of having responsibility, ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her’.

    Reply
  • Caroline Francis says: February 11, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    Children can be called ‘cheeky’ or be reprimanded when they expose a grown up however the grown-ups’ reaction clarifies that they have felt the truth of what the child has offered them.

    Reply
  • Jonathan Stewart says: January 23, 2019 at 4:52 pm

    Having boundaries and a knowing of consequences provides a foundation of security, a point of trust, from which a child can explore their world and have a place of surety to return to.

    Reply
    • Sueq2012 says: May 24, 2019 at 4:42 pm

      So true Jonathan. The world can be a scary place if a child feels omnipotent in that their whims are always adhered to. We all need boundaries in life. Hence the need for law and order because even adults are shown to not respect their responsibilities, so major consequences such as prison and community service are needed in order to teach us. Whether these work is another matter……

      Reply
  • Ariana says: January 17, 2019 at 7:20 am

    We need boundaries and consequences all the time, they are a reality. Both adults and children need to know them well. They promote responsibility for children and adults. The joy of it is all a part of the fun of living and learning.

    Reply
    • Alexis Stewart says: February 20, 2019 at 7:05 pm

      I work in the care industry and there is always a steady stream of staff that break the law. I have always felt that the boundaries that people adhere to are set by themselves rather than the organisation. There are many people whose work is exemplary and they are the ones that never need boundaries.

      Reply
  • Michelle McWaters says: December 31, 2018 at 11:56 pm

    Apart from supporting children with boundaries I have also found it important not to have any investments in my children doing anything or achieving anything in particular. If I have investments in them they are felt as an imposition, nor are they given the space to learn in their own time from their own choices. As parents we are in it for the long haul and often we just simply need to give our children space to be where they are at so that they can feel deeply, raising their own awareness and bringing that to their learning. If they are still not getting it that’s when we step in with the pull ups – their choice as to whether they align or not.

    Reply
  • Michelle McWaters says: December 29, 2018 at 7:46 pm

    ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out,’ This is so important. if we want to raise our children to understand their responsibility then they need to be treated as the equals they are. To give them permission to pull you up as a parent is empowering for all the family.

    Reply
  • Henrietta Chang says: December 29, 2018 at 5:55 am

    As a child or as an adult, it is through consequences that we learn best in life.

    Reply
  • Henrietta Chang says: December 29, 2018 at 5:54 am

    To grow up without impositions and being allowed to be who you are is indeed possible as I have been witness to some children being brought up like this. However it is certainly the exception and not the norm in our current society. I am not here referring to New Age parenting where the child is allowed to ‘do’ whatever they want, but rather to a more natural way of parenting where old school boundaries are present in terms of what is ok to do or not do, however, who and how the child is, is not imposed upon. This is a beautiful and respectful way to be brought up.

    Reply
    • Michelle Mcwaters says: December 29, 2018 at 7:49 pm

      Boundaries are so needed; they make children feel safe. As parents if we can understand their importance we can reduce anxiety levels in children that seem to be so incredibly prolific at the moment.

      Reply
  • Henrietta Chang says: December 29, 2018 at 5:50 am

    I love what you have shared here Nicole that parenting a child begins with parenting yourself first.

    Reply
    • Lorraine says: February 11, 2019 at 7:49 pm

      Yes, if we are unable to parent ourselves, then we will struggle to parent another.

      Reply
  • Sarah Flenley says: December 13, 2018 at 6:53 am

    “She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions. ” What a life lesson to be learning from such a early age. Awesome work.

    Reply
  • David says: December 10, 2018 at 11:06 pm

    Without consequences that are consistent we don’t end up supporting our kids to be all of whom they are. It can be easy to let things slide but then our kids don’t know what is true and what is not.

    Reply
    • Caroline Francis says: February 11, 2019 at 5:37 pm

      Yes David, it is the consistency with carrying out the consequences that truly supports children otherwise they get to know that they can get away with things that are not supportive, not just towards themselves but towards the whole of the family.

      Reply
  • Joseph Barker says: December 10, 2018 at 1:39 pm

    Our every move a gesture has a consequence, on everyone, including our children, so we would do well to be aware of our own boundaries.

    Reply
    • Joan Calder says: February 13, 2019 at 9:58 pm

      I so agree Joseph, my mother was very strict with me but that is not the same as boundaries, in fact it was domination. Without the care to educate a child about their own boundaries they do not feel safe in their environment or even with themselves. It takes a lifelong learning to redress the balance and learn about the consequences.

      Reply
  • Sandra Vicary says: December 9, 2018 at 7:34 pm

    Confusion sets in when boundaries that have been set are then crossed, or when two parents/adults disagree on where the boundaries should be. When this happens, theres no wonder a child can grow up feeling unsure of who they are and what they can do or not do.

    Reply
    • Henrietta Chang says: December 29, 2018 at 5:56 am

      Spot on Sandra – as parents how important is is to be on the same page otherwise this creates instability and confusion.

      Reply
      • Natasha says: April 27, 2019 at 7:11 am

        And a opportunity for the children to feel a confused

        Reply
    • Alexis Stewart says: February 13, 2019 at 6:19 pm

      I agree Sandra, so many parents have a good and bad cop but there’s no unity or shared philosophy in this style of parenting and the kids know which parent to go to for what. Parenting should be based on a shared philosophy and preferably one that has love and truth as it’s guiding principles rather than fear and punishment.

      Reply
  • Rebecca says: November 15, 2018 at 3:49 pm

    It is beautiful for children to have gentle, responsible, honest, true role models – what a great way to raise children.

    Reply
    • Ariana says: February 11, 2019 at 2:18 am

      I’m with you there, and what a great way to parent ourselves. Most of us have not had the ideal parenting, so using boundaries and consequences for ourselves, alongside the willingness to learn, dedicated to our evolution – this is gold.

      Reply
  • Rebecca says: November 15, 2018 at 3:45 pm

    Nicole, living by example feels great, children can then be inspired rather than having to follow a set of rules.

    Reply
  • Samantha Davidson says: November 11, 2018 at 6:26 pm

    Children often align with thier role models, teach a child to take care of their surrounding, life and responsibility through example and living it, the telling and pushing does not work. Boundaries are essential for a children to understand life, cooperation and responsibility, we need to live this understanding ourselves as adults.

    Reply
  • Samantha Davidson says: November 11, 2018 at 6:23 pm

    It makes for adults that are constantly uneasy and unsatisfied. We are settled and stable when we understand that what we put into life we get back, irresponsibility which is endemic leads to harm, dissatisfaction and lack of true purpose.

    Reply
  • Vanessa M says: November 9, 2018 at 8:01 am

    Yes Gill that is the absolute gold it is all held and delivered from love, steadfast unwavering love.

    Reply
  • « 1 … 10 11 12

    Leave a reply Cancel reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    Search

    Subscribe

    Recent Posts

    • Turning Single Parenting on its Head
    • My Evolving Relationship with Movement
    • The Bulldozer, and the Butterfly
    • How I Have Come to Not Be Owned by Social Media
    • Building a True Relationship with Food

    Categories

    • Health Problems (6)
      • Dementia (1)
      • Digestive Issues (1)
      • Eating disorders (3)
      • Fatigue/Exhaustion (1)
      • Migraines (1)
    • Healthy Lifestyle (92)
      • Drug Abuse (3)
      • Exercise & Sport (25)
      • Healthy diet (29)
      • Music (1)
      • Quitting alcohol (13)
      • Quitting coffee (2)
      • Quitting smoking (4)
      • Quitting Sugar (4)
      • Safe driving (2)
      • Sleep (4)
      • TV / Technology (12)
      • Weight Loss (2)
      • Work (2)
    • Relationships (147)
      • Colleagues (2)
      • Communication (11)
      • Couples (33)
      • Family (29)
      • Friendships (18)
      • Male Relationships (7)
      • Parenting (28)
      • Self-Relationship (40)
      • Sex & Making Love (6)
      • Workplace (10)
    • Social Issues (51)
      • Death & Dying (9)
      • Education (14)
      • Global Issues (7)
      • Greed/Corruption (1)
      • Money (3)
      • Pornography (1)
      • Sexism (14)
      • Tattoos & Removal (2)

    Archives

    • Home
    • Blog
      • Healthy Lifestyle
      • Relationships
      • Health Problems
      • Social Issues
    • Comments Policy
    • Links
    • Terms of Use
    • Subscribe to the Blog
    • Privacy
    • Contact Us
    loading Cancel
    Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
    Email check failed, please try again
    Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.