Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package – each one an individual with different needs and expressions.
I know that for us, having our first child – as with many parents – was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child – she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy.
So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world.
We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything… that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.
Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.
It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked “How would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?” Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.
We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility.
It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed; our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening.
We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her – she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that.
As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.
It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.
Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
Published with permission from Michael Serafin.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting
501 Comments
One of the greatest responsibilities we have is to be true role models in the world.
It is great to feel the love and respect you give to your daughter, knowing her wisdom and power, that this is a two way process, she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if you step out. I remember many years ago, my son bringing me into line about something that wasn’t honest that I was doing at the time, and I was very humbled by it.
Its not just children that need boundaries and consequence, us adults can run wild without them, best to instil them at an early age rather then there be painful and unneeded consequences at a later date.
Seeing a child as equal works on both levels. They get confirmed to be the grandness they are, but also exposed for the fact that they can at times be cunning, deceiving and destructive.
It is amazing how responsible children can be, and how they can take the bigger impact full affects of their actions and behaviours in to their stride and actually work to live in more harmony with everyone around them.
Consequences are out of fashion at present and everything goes, especially in cases of ‘trauma’ when everything gets excused, overlooked and pampered to. But there are natural consequences – when I don’t pay my rent for months, I eventually will get evicted. What a rude awakening if natural consequences have not been part of how children are brought up.
Gabriele, the more I understand about consequences the more I have come to see the blessing of them. It’s incredible to appreciate how amazing consequences are for our evolution. Now I see avoiding consequences is inline with avoiding evolution.
Me too, that’s a great point. If we had no consequences and could do whatever we wanted and then suddenly click our fingers and everything would be ok then how and why would we learn from our mistakes or ill choices?
Boundaries are often seen as punishments or used as punishments but in truth they are about teaching responsibility an accountability the punishment, right and wrong and so on is not needed to be added.
There are so many examples of where problems facing humanity occur when all boundaries of decency are absent, what more reason would we need to have boundaries and consequences for our children.
Today many express their wants and desires which are often not their truths and the focus is all about themselves and very little consideration that this has on others- as long as they get what they want, that is all that matters to them, however, when we operate in this way, we all miss out.
It is brilliant to hear a parent speak about boundaries and consequences, as they are very needed in parenting. My observation is that children do much better when they are parented like that.
This is brilliant Nicole, parenting our children means we first have to parent ourselves. I appreciate it when my children pull us up when we step out of line. It is amazing to embrace equality and love in our family. This was unheard of when I was growing up, children were never allowed to point out things that were unloving or untrue. It was the case that the parents are always right and children are not allowed to speak up. There is no growth or learning in this restricted form of parenting, whereas the example you shared Nicole is incredibly supportive, loving and encourages each other to grow and evolve.
We all need to know there are boundaries and once we understand they are imposed lovingly for us to learn and we become more responsible, they build a great foundation for our lives.
“The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her.” This is so important to honour a child when they call us out and ask us to be accountable. It supports them in knowing that what they are feeling is true. It is something that not many parents and adults are willing to accept and it can be the beginning of a lot of mistrust and issues as the child grows up.
I love the fact that your daughter can call you out on things also – this is usually frowned upon and seen as the child being sassy or cheeky, but why shouldn’t they.
I love this fact too Julie. My children do the same to us. It is always done so lovingly and without hesitation. It can sometimes feel very uncomfortable to be pulled up and be exposed but it is always welcomed in our family when anyone speaks up.
I agree Julie, it is awesome when we let ourselves learn from our children rather than having the tendency to act like adults know better. Children often come out with the most amazing comments and what I love is they usually just say things the way they are without thinking they have to hold back.
Sounds like a good mix of ingredients to raise a child, consistency, love and absoluteness…super steady.
Sometimes we all can be supported by boundaries and consequences, no better time to learn than when we are children.
In the past parents used to beat their children to “endorse discipline”, today as a result of that we have parents who let their children run loose and cause havoc. What will it take us to connect to our children, learn with them and grow together?
Great point Viktoria. Bringing back boundaries and an awareness of the consequences of stepping over those boundaries would be a good place to start. I always found and still do, that explaining why certain things can or cant be, really supports another to understand why some things are acceptable and some aren’t.
This is the most natural way to parent when we just be ourselves. We don’t need to take ourselves away from us and become a role.
Indeed it is Adele, just being ourselves is the best way to do anything and everything without trying to be someone or prove anything to anyone. Life is so simple the more I am myself, knowing that being myself is more than enough in any moment.
We associate discipline with hardness but this needn’t be – true guidance and leadership comes from a firmness and solidness in us and can still be delivered tenderly. With absolute trust we just express what feels true without second guessing ourselves. Thank you Nicole for this life lesson.
Lovely to read this Joseph and appreciate the holding quality of discipline when it come from love.
“She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions” – and feel the side of love too. Love being the ultimate raiser and nurturer of anyone, anything. Everything.
Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?” Everything in me says that we do because when we give children boundaries and consequences we raise them to live the truth of who they are.
Agreed Elizabeth, its something that supports our kids more than they let on yet something that I know I wished I had more of looking back, the key is why we have them – when its about supporting our kids to be and grow up being all they are thats quite amazing.
I remember pushing my parents to see whether the boundaries had any ‘give’, I definitely knew what I was doing all along. Children have the awareness and will play the game but the lesson to know that life has consequences is a great one to learn, the sooner the better.
Growing up I always tested the boundaries as was never sure quite what they were. I never really had any consequences as I could always talk my way out of things. The problem with this is that it meant I never had to fully take respinsibility for my choices and felt I could really get away with anything. This has had devastating effects on those closest to me as I continued to test boundaries and wanted others to prove they loved me. But it meant I would go too far at times and the consequences I more recently had to face have been massive, not as a punishment but rather as a way if saying that was way out of line you need to take responsibility for your actions and learn that choices have consequences.
Understanding consequences is an essential part of life and to be supported to be aware of this is truly helpful and doesn’t have to be about suppressing someone but actually helping them to grow and evolve. Thanks for sharing this Nicole.
” As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt. ”
This makes sense to kids , children learn from reflection , if one lives what is truly true kids will understand.
The law of cause and effect is a fact of life, why would we not teach children about this as early as possible?
If we raise kids without an understanding that every choice and action we make has a consequence then that child later has to learn as an adult what consequences mean when the stakes are much higher. I agree that it’s super important to instil a sense of responsibility when it comes to our choices and the repercussions that can occur if our choices are not what they could be.
The consequences and repercussions later in life get more extreme and can have deeply devastating effects if we have not learnt what responsibility truly is and how every choice has a consequence whether or not we want to see it. I found that the consequences, if any initially, start out small but slowly get bigger and with that affect more people. So I agree it is super important we instill a sense of responsibility with our children when they are young.
It’s incredible to see such a parenting role model. I often ask myself “what would the world be like if parents taught their children to be honest, rather than to be good?” and I feel your method of parenting brings exactly that – the openness to let our children tell us what they’re feeling without cutting them down. Something which can be very difficult for adults because we live the arrogance of “I’m older so I know better”, completely disempowering children.
As a parent I can see that it is vital to be clear and transparent about consequences of our actions and choices, it is also very important that we understand that these actions and choices ripple out in to our life and others. I have found that I need to keep working myself to be of true support to my children, so that the boundaries, consequences and situations that we find ourselves in are fair, loving and supportive.
Without limits and consequences how do we learn that we have impacted or not considered another?
Isn’t there something deeply wrong, that we often wait till we become parents to treat life as a precious gift and decide to take responsibility? To me, this shows how deep in disregard we have lived, hiding our heads from the simple fact that every moment we are alive we make movements which give birth to many consequences. The question is do we nurture Love? Or ignore the call to check out some more? Thank you Nicole for this thought provoking blog.
Introducing boundaries and consequences to children in a loving way is so needed when we consider how many adults live without this!
If we choose to be aware, we’ll see that life has inbuilt, it’s own natural boundaries and consequences. It does not by any means, restrict our choices but it does deliver clear results based on what we choose. We just spend our life trying to deny and avoid this. The sooner we surrender to divine discipline the easier it is to make love our way. Thank you Nicole for shining your light here.
Being accountable for our actions is such a gift. It is how we remember that we are all from the same source, that we all live in the same space and that we are all affected by our own and others’ choices.
I too had to learn how to parent myself as a parent as I tried many different ways and it didn’t work. The more I live and show by example, the easier it has been for my daughter to get it.
The way we live communicates a lot, even without words. And it also backs up the words we say or possibly undermines them if we haven’t been living what we are saying ourselves…
We are constantly reflecting to each other and particularly to our children, so if we stay up late, do not drink enough water, leave our coat undone etc., then it is really of no surprise that our children copy and do the same. The difficulty is we want children to do what we say and not as we do which creates a tension. It is only when we live what we want our children to live that we see true change start to happen.
Looking back I am deeply appreciating the process of understanding parenting and reimprinting it. At times it felt like the most difficult thing to me, but now looking back I can see it was all necessary and keeping steady and not giving up, never giving up the love for myself was the key to rebuild this foundation.
I can remember growing up and having the boundaries that were set in place and at the time was really not wanting them or felt restricted. But now looking back I can see how some basic fundamental boundaries were the foraging of a foundation that was respectful and called me to be the adult and take responsibility. A life long skill.