Recently I was having a session with a very well renowned and loved Esoteric practitioner about healing my need to have children. I have always carried a need to have a child, which has not come from a true impulse, but from needing someone to love. That was until I came across Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, who reminded me what true love is: an emanation, a beholding quality we all can choose to live, that we all come from, that doesn’t involve a need for doing things or buying presents. And that love starts with our self, not needing another to love you or needing another for you to love. Need is not love. And this is something I am learning to live again.
So I am at that age, where the world, with its many expectations, pictures, beliefs and ideals we have been ‘sold’, and bought into, may I hasten to add, from the day we are born tells a woman she should have kids by the time she reaches a certain age. You know in your late thirties where many women panic and their body clock, or head, I should rightly say, starts ticking to the wrong time, of ‘I won’t be able to have kids soon’, and for some, devastation and a ravaging need kicks in, as many of us believe we are not complete as a woman without children; that we have failed or something is wrong with us. None of this is true. But we don’t value or appreciate ourselves and our bodies enough, and all that we are and already bring as a woman.
These many ideals and expectations, I, and the world had chosen to place on myself, were impacting on my relationships, and putting unseen pressures and expectations onto myself, my body and my partners, big time. For example, even though unsaid, many of the times, there was a need in me thinking, will he be the one, even on a very first date, will this be the relationship, the person, the man who I have kids with? Can you imagine and feel the pressure this person would feel even when not physically with me, to have to live up to stereotypes, pictures, expectations and ideals that are not true, and putting a pressure and demand on them – not to mention myself and my body – that is not love in my book.
I am then trying to build and have loving relationships with all this heavy unseen stuff hanging around. Not to mention the thoughts that would come into my head, of well if they don’t want kids, do I end the relationship? Thank goodness, these thoughts are no longer chosen and ruling me.
So in all truth, was I truly meeting my partners and seeing them for who they are as a person, how truly lovely they are, and all that they bring, or was I seeing them in some areas of our relationship as someone to fill my needs?
You wonder why many people back off from relationships, but believe me the feeling of need in a relationship, anywhere in fact, is horrible, and something I am working on. But also living from all these expectations, ideals and beliefs is not allowing us to truly connect to other people, to feel who they really are, to build loving relationships with them, or ourselves.
When it came to my body, these expectations, pictures and ideals I had chosen to accept, created such an intense pressure on me to be a biological mum. It felt like a heaviness in my body which I carried around with me for a very long time. It’s only now that it’s gone, that I can feel the true extent of this; with an incredible lightness and so much more space and joy in my body and a freedom in my movements and steps.
This is what everyone is now feeling, from my partner, strangers in the street, to kids at school. It has had an effect on all of my life. I don’t need to say anything; people can feel how I live.
I also feel there has been a pressure taken off my female organs – my ovaries, uterus, and my breasts – they feel more like part of my body than they ever have done. Not just ‘something’ that is there to simply ‘make kids’, and also there is a lightness and a change to my abdomen area. Honestly, the feeling of joy I can now feel again is immense.
This has not only come about from my letting go of the need to be a biological mum, but it is more to do with appreciating and valuing what I already bring and live. I hadn’t been valuing or giving myself credit for this.
The truth is I am actually already a ‘mum’ to thousands of kids, as I have learnt that mothering and parenting, is an energy and expression first – way before it is about what you do. I am already living this and have been for years, with all the children in my life. I have a natural rapport, and a mothering and parenting energy with children and teenagers that I hold them in, but I actually hadn’t stopped to appreciate and give myself credit for this – the pictures of being the ‘biological’ mum stopped me appreciating the mum I already was to many. The truth is, we don’t have to physically have children of our own to be in that energy and to live it, and that can be equally felt and lived for men too as a fathering energy or expression.
It is this – appreciating and valuing what I bring and already live, that has brought a huge amount of space and settlement in my body, where I am actually now able to fully claim my choice that I don’t need to physically have a child to feel complete.
That is not saying I wouldn’t, if it was a true and correct choice I would; but first and foremost, mothering, fathering and parenting is an energy or quality we all can offer, live and hold others in, no matter whether we have biological children or not.
By Gyl Rae Teacher, 39, Scotland
Mothering beyond our children
Mothering – the essence of true nurturing
Motherless mothers – finding our way back to wholeness and love
Appreciating ourselves for all that we are and reflect to others is a beautiful and Divine offering for all children – young and old.
This can be applied to anything in life. If need comes before truth then if that need gets met it won’t be true. I learnt that the hard way when believing that I needed to have a boyfriend. None of it worked.
Learning to Love myself has always been the reason to not have children as finding Love and living it, was the only way to bring up a child and how different True Love is to what I though when I was asking the love question years ago and I am now finding parenting me is also a great reason in re-learning to Truly Love again.
Some great points here, as women, do we look for a partner and appreciate their qualities first or is there an underlying feeling, need or urgency of ‘am I going to have children with him’, similarly I am sure men have the same feeling with women as well. I was pondering on this the other day, when I was younger in my body it just felt natural that at some point in my life I would be a mum. This didn’t happen but now as I work with and support many young people I can see how actually there is more of a natural ease with this, working with many young people, rather than having my own and probably focusing to some point all my energy on either one or more children. This of course doesn’t brush to one side all the mothers in the world who also work with and support other children and young people but I think for me the saying that sums up really well what I feel is ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. Meaning we should all be working together and reflecting a responsibility, love and holding to and for our younger generation so that they in turn can be all that they truly are. And looking at our current situation it is clear to see that there is an awful lot of work to be done here!
In truth mothering is a nurturing energy, it really has nothing to do with blood.
“But we don’t value or appreciate ourselves and our bodies enough, and all that we are and already ”
I am saddened by the fact there are so so many gorgeous women out there who have no idea how utterly amazing they are.
Wow, Anonymous, that certainly isn’t a statement we hear very often, “….there are so so many gorgeous women out there who have no idea how utterly amazing they are.” As women the message is usually that we are not enough – not pretty enough, not smart enough, not domestic enough, not tough enough, not loving enough, not sexy enough…the list goes on. Reading your comment sort of stopped me in my tracks and I began to wonder not only why we as women don’t know how utterly amazing we are, but what it will take to change this message of ‘not being enough’ that feels almost inbred from the time we are born. And the answer that comes to me is by reflection. Each woman returning to her inner sacredness who then brings this sacredness out into the world in her every movement is offering a reflection of how women can be in this world knowing how utterly amazing they are.
A responsibility we have therefore to ourselves and for all around us, including all the children in our lives regardless of whether we have given birth to them or not. This reflection is the ultimate form of responsibility and we are parenting in the best sense of the word.
How lovely to feel the lightness in your body after letting go of the imposed ideals and beliefs, ‘When it came to my body, these expectations, pictures and ideals I had chosen to accept, created such an intense pressure on me to be a biological mum. It felt like a heaviness in my body which I carried around with me for a very long time. It’s only now that it’s gone, that I can feel the true extent of this’.
As I get older, I can see how so many beliefs that we have been raised with, have had such a hugely detrimental impact on many people, and one of them is the belief that all women are here to have babies, and if they don’t what’s wrong with them? It is a huge pressure which I have seen several women I know take on as they tried over and over again to get pregnant, with the sense of failure almost overwhelming them at times. So, I can really feel how the understanding you have come to has released this pressure and liberated you from the impact of this deleterious belief, and that to me, feels amazing
Appreciating ourselves and what we bring to others and to life situations is huge – valuing ourselves and allowing our self worth to blossom – giving ourselves space, this all contributes to a strong foundation and a greater capacity to hold others in love whether we are biological parents or not.
Needing biological children and a partner is such a big thing for women, and we are influenced from young that this is what life is about however I agree that the issue of our completeness as a woman is not a question of what we do or don’t have or desire, but of our own personal relationships with ourselves on a day to day basis.
We do not realise how modeled we are by the models of society that adopted such ideals we end up thinking are our truth when the body is revealing to us the very opposite.
All to often ladies have children to fill a need they have not met themselves, I know myself I have thought about having children when I am feeling down, sad or lonely . If I have a child it needs to be for true purpose and real love, not just to feel an emptiness.
Beautiful to read Gyl how you’ve let go of the many expectations you were carrying about your role in life and worth as a woman, and are living with more joy and vitality as a result. Life is amazing when we let go of the expectations and ideals and follow our inner impulses, with no conditions.
As women whether we have given birth or not, we are still responsible for all the children around us. I think a massive downfall to society at the moment is we see it as just the parents job to raise children so we tend to step right back rather than seeing it takes a whole community to raise a child.
When I ponder what it means to feel complete or whole it seems more to do with how much I am bringing myself fully to life rather than based on the different roles I might play.
Thank you for sharing so honestly on such an emotive topic and it feels like you have now given you and your body the freedom to explore what feels true for you by releasing these heavy expectations that so often hold us back from joyfully living life.
‘true love is: an emanation, a beholding quality we all can choose to live, that we all come from, that doesn’t involve a need for doing things or buying presents.’ so different to the needy love that we as humans consider love to be. You love me, I love you back, but no sign of us loving ourselves first.
‘Needy’ love feels horrible, whereas true love is just gorgeous, they are worlds apart.
‘true love is: an emanation, a beholding quality we all can choose to live, that we all come from, that doesn’t involve a need for doing things or buying presents.’ but is extremely powerful!
All the time we think we need someone to love first, before we can be fulfilled we are missing out at looking at our own relationship with our self and the love for oneself.
We can place pressures on ourselves in so many different ways… And this of course is one that is endemic on one level
We cannot underestimate the amazing amount we can bring to children in our lives without having to have our own children – being role models of love, responsibility and commitment outside of their parents is so powerful because they get different reflections of how love can be expressed
Absolutely they say it takes a community to raise a child so being able to offer a different reflection is crucial.
When you understand what true Love is you can’t avoid the fact that almost all of what we think parenting and relationships is, is based on a huge lie.
It is fascinating to feel what Gyl has shared about the pressure being taken off her female parts after she healed the need to have children. Under this same logic, just imagine what pressures we are placing on all kinds of other internal organs when we hold onto all the ideals and beliefs about what it means or should look like to be a father, good student, successful business person, acclaimed artist, famous actor, winning athlete, etc., etc. Whenever we live from a standpoint of not accepting and appreciating our inner Divine essence first, the pressure and damage to our insides must be enormous.
So true and no wonder that we have an ever increasing amount of illness and disease when so many of us are constantly putting extraordinary amounts of pressure on ourselves to live up to a variety of warped expectations.
A beautiful appreciation of the mothering energy and love that you share with children of any age.
Teachers can be so influential to children growing up. I know there are some in my life that, without even knowing it have supported me big time. I have also met grownups that I knew as children that have told me how supportive and caring I was in their lives all those years ago, reminding me of situations that I had completely forgotten about. We all have a nurturing mothering quality and its beautiful when we can appreciate this in ourselves whether we have children or not.
There is a freedom you offer when you remind us we do not ‘need’ to have children simply because we are female.
The crazy thing is that we seek an identity we think will fulfil us and give us the love we are missing. Yet, all the while we are not accepting or appreciatiing the love we already are within, as if we did the drive to impose our ‘neediness’ on others, including children, becomes non-existent. If we instead deeply cherish who we already are within we then bring the blessing of this fullness to anyone and every child we are in a relationship with. Our mothering qualities are not limited to having our own children, but rather are that which can be shared with all as a reflection and confirmation of the truth of who every child is.
Gyl, this is a really important topic to talk about because there is such a lot of pressure for women to have children. It is rarely considered an option for a woman to not have a child by choice and so this article will be very inspiring and confirming for many women I am sure. This is so true; ‘we don’t value or appreciate ourselves and our bodies enough, and all that we are and already bring as a woman.’
It’s very needed to bring back the love, to truly re-turn to what Mothering is, and that does not mean to be a biological mum. It is freeing because we know that much of what is being shared about mothering is limited and often far away from the truth. Based on pictures, ideals and beliefs, but not actually the truth of ones heart. That is we all naturally are parents in many ways, we need to come back to a true understanding — feeling inside of our bodies what this means.
Up until recently I used to feel very uncomfortable around children. I thought that because I haven’t physically had a child myself that I was not allowed to have any say when it came to parenting the children in my life. This is being broken down and makes sense as when I was growing up everyone was a role model not just mum and dad.
I love what you share about parenting being a quality we can all offer regardless of having our own biological children or not. To open up what parenting is can release us from fixed ideals and beliefs that we feel stuck with.
The appreciation of what we bring is the core from which we can then choose the ability to have or not have children.
Women have so much to offer, much more than being a parent; the same goes for men. When we offer ourselves a caring and nurturing approach to living, we will automatically be that to everyone we meet; children and adults alike.
There is something about feeling gorgeous that just fills every part of the body with brilliance and delight.
So, there is no need… just beauty and grace.
” I am actually now able to fully claim my choice that I don’t need to physically have a child to feel complete.” This is gorgeous Gyl, nothing beats following our true purpose and for some that will be to have children and for others it will be to have none, neither way is better than another.
This is something I am choosing to continually bring and deepen into my life, appreciation, and more appreciation-so important for all of us, ‘we don’t value or appreciate ourselves and our bodies enough, and all that we are’.
It was interesting for me to just read your sentence: “These many ideals and expectations, I, and the world had chosen to place on myself, were impacting on my relationships, and putting unseen pressures and expectations onto myself, my body and my partners, big time….” because I have never wanted to or considered having children this life and have never felt one iota of pressure or expectation about that from myself or anyone else. I even ended up marrying a man who felt exactly the same way and this is very natural and true for us. Perhaps the world can only place expectations on us if we accept them or take them on. Maybe if we have no opening there it does not touch us.