Recently I was having a session with a very well renowned and loved Esoteric practitioner about healing my need to have children. I have always carried a need to have a child, which has not come from a true impulse, but from needing someone to love. That was until I came across Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, who reminded me what true love is: an emanation, a beholding quality we all can choose to live, that we all come from, that doesn’t involve a need for doing things or buying presents. And that love starts with our self, not needing another to love you or needing another for you to love. Need is not love. And this is something I am learning to live again.
So I am at that age, where the world, with its many expectations, pictures, beliefs and ideals we have been ‘sold’, and bought into, may I hasten to add, from the day we are born tells a woman she should have kids by the time she reaches a certain age. You know in your late thirties where many women panic and their body clock, or head, I should rightly say, starts ticking to the wrong time, of ‘I won’t be able to have kids soon’, and for some, devastation and a ravaging need kicks in, as many of us believe we are not complete as a woman without children; that we have failed or something is wrong with us. None of this is true. But we don’t value or appreciate ourselves and our bodies enough, and all that we are and already bring as a woman.
These many ideals and expectations, I, and the world had chosen to place on myself, were impacting on my relationships, and putting unseen pressures and expectations onto myself, my body and my partners, big time. For example, even though unsaid, many of the times, there was a need in me thinking, will he be the one, even on a very first date, will this be the relationship, the person, the man who I have kids with? Can you imagine and feel the pressure this person would feel even when not physically with me, to have to live up to stereotypes, pictures, expectations and ideals that are not true, and putting a pressure and demand on them – not to mention myself and my body – that is not love in my book.
I am then trying to build and have loving relationships with all this heavy unseen stuff hanging around. Not to mention the thoughts that would come into my head, of well if they don’t want kids, do I end the relationship? Thank goodness, these thoughts are no longer chosen and ruling me.
So in all truth, was I truly meeting my partners and seeing them for who they are as a person, how truly lovely they are, and all that they bring, or was I seeing them in some areas of our relationship as someone to fill my needs?
You wonder why many people back off from relationships, but believe me the feeling of need in a relationship, anywhere in fact, is horrible, and something I am working on. But also living from all these expectations, ideals and beliefs is not allowing us to truly connect to other people, to feel who they really are, to build loving relationships with them, or ourselves.
When it came to my body, these expectations, pictures and ideals I had chosen to accept, created such an intense pressure on me to be a biological mum. It felt like a heaviness in my body which I carried around with me for a very long time. It’s only now that it’s gone, that I can feel the true extent of this; with an incredible lightness and so much more space and joy in my body and a freedom in my movements and steps.
This is what everyone is now feeling, from my partner, strangers in the street, to kids at school. It has had an effect on all of my life. I don’t need to say anything; people can feel how I live.
I also feel there has been a pressure taken off my female organs – my ovaries, uterus, and my breasts – they feel more like part of my body than they ever have done. Not just ‘something’ that is there to simply ‘make kids’, and also there is a lightness and a change to my abdomen area. Honestly, the feeling of joy I can now feel again is immense.
This has not only come about from my letting go of the need to be a biological mum, but it is more to do with appreciating and valuing what I already bring and live. I hadn’t been valuing or giving myself credit for this.
The truth is I am actually already a ‘mum’ to thousands of kids, as I have learnt that mothering and parenting, is an energy and expression first – way before it is about what you do. I am already living this and have been for years, with all the children in my life. I have a natural rapport, and a mothering and parenting energy with children and teenagers that I hold them in, but I actually hadn’t stopped to appreciate and give myself credit for this – the pictures of being the ‘biological’ mum stopped me appreciating the mum I already was to many. The truth is, we don’t have to physically have children of our own to be in that energy and to live it, and that can be equally felt and lived for men too as a fathering energy or expression.
It is this – appreciating and valuing what I bring and already live, that has brought a huge amount of space and settlement in my body, where I am actually now able to fully claim my choice that I don’t need to physically have a child to feel complete.
That is not saying I wouldn’t, if it was a true and correct choice I would; but first and foremost, mothering, fathering and parenting is an energy or quality we all can offer, live and hold others in, no matter whether we have biological children or not.
By Gyl Rae Teacher, 39, Scotland
Further Reading:
Mothering beyond our children
Mothering – the essence of true nurturing
Motherless mothers – finding our way back to wholeness and love
579 Comments
As women we can put a huge pressure on ourselves to have children. This can lead to huge disappointment and years of medical intervention for some. I don’t have children and have observed for a long time the discomfort of other women when asked do I have children? It’s also the topic of a lot of conversation with women. Part of our identification perhaps. Personally I love hearing about the stories parents have about their children as I still learn so much.
Thank you, Gyl, for the reminder that mothering, fathering and parenting is an energy first and foremost. After my son was born, I witnessed, and at times indulged in, a parenting world that was so caught up in being seen to do, say and have the right thing – so much so that the truth of parenting seemed to get buried and lost. The doing, saying and having the right thing was to the exclusion of the children themselves who can actually teach us so much about what it is to be a true parent if only we could stop, surrender and embrace the grace that is being offered.
I have recently watched a dear friend become a mother to two children through a new relationship – everything about nurturing is offered to all when we make the connection about love and allowing the other to be and grow into their natural potential
It is great to be reminded what true love is, ‘ Serge Benhayon, who reminded me what true love is: an emanation, a beholding quality we all can choose to live, that we all come from, that doesn’t involve a need for doing things or buying presents.’
It is only when we are living from ideals and believes that we can put these kind of pressures on ourselves and the people around us.
I can so relate to this, being in my mid thirties I can feel all of this and also just having ended a relationship it was like a big process in letting go of the picture of a particular type of family that I would like, it was like I need to let go of these pictures more to fully embrace everything I already have in my life which is totally full of everything I love and cherish.
I am a biological mother, but I also feel like I can support any child that comes my way, and I would not treat them as less or more than my own children. I love that many of my friends care for my children as thier own, it is lovely for them to have lots of support and and love in the world.
Gyl I would be guessing that some of our greatest role models/ people we aspired to when younger and offered us a strong support are not our biological parents but rather adults who stand out in our life. I always found the support of these adults super touching as they were not my parents and it wasn’t their role, rather they truly cared for me, very powerful stuff-deeply touching…
True mothering is a quality of holding others that allows them to be just as they are and that quality is not only held within all women but men equally so. This is something I am only just discovering which shows that no matter if we have children or not we are always there to support everyone via our movements, showing how it takes a village to raise a child and that we each have a role to play in how every child today will grow within their own lives.
‘mothering and parenting, is an energy and expression first – way before it is about what you do.’
I agree, Gyl, we are all parents of so many children without being their biological parents. We have a beautiful responsibility to make sure the next generation that is growing up can be all of the amazingness they are by living that ourselves.
Expectations in any form destroy relationships, including the one with ourselves and yet they are often unseen or just accepted as being the way to be. The body is then held in constant tension, hardening ourselves against the disappointment we so often feel as a result.
It is exquisite just how liberating and fulfilling it is at the same time, to connect and surrender to the embrace of our true love within. As it is a place of truth where one can feel and know all the love of the universe.
This was a beautiful blog to read Gyl that highlighted to me the fact that women are women and they are all equal regardless if they have biological, adopted, step or no children.
Your blog makes it obvious to me that in letting go of the need to be a mother you are able to offer the world a reflection of true mothering. This is a great blessing to all men, women and children that know you.
There is so much pressure on women and men to be and do something in life. But where are these pressures coming from? Who makes them? It certainly isn’t God or our high Heavenly selves that want desired goals to be reached at the expense of our connection to our inner truth… so what makes us put more value on the images, goals and roles we play?
‘ The truth is, we don’t have to physically have children of our own to be in that energy and to live it, and that can be equally felt and lived for men too as a fathering energy or expression.’ So true Gyl and hugely important to bring this understanding fully into our lives and not get caught up in any ideals about nuclear families… etc….
This has not only come about from my letting go of the need to be a biological mum, but it is more to do with appreciating and valuing what I already bring and live. I hadn’t been valuing or giving myself credit for this. Yes, this is a great point Gyl as most mums that I meet daily, do not hold this appreciation of themselves and are stuck in the mother role and this not only affects their own self worth as a woman but also affects how they are with their children. Children can feel when their parents aren’t bringing all of themselves and they act up because under the influence of the mother role, guilt and obligation come into play.
In a world where there are so many children that need real role models and mother energy, why is it we feel we all have to have our own? I have seven children but only two of them are biologically mine, the rest I consider my children equally to the ones that I birthed. When I volunteer at the primary school my kids attend, I fall in love with all the students, I mean I seriously feel so close to them. I say, good on you for breaking through the “having to have a baby to feel complete consciousness that seems to affect so many women”.
‘The truth is I am actually already a ‘mum’ to thousands of kids, as I have learnt that mothering and parenting, is an energy and expression first – way before it is about what you do’. So true Gyl and we all can benefit from this true expression – parents alike – as many of us are not in true parenting energy , but are parenting from ideals and beliefs..
The female body does not demand to have a child, it is our ideals and beliefs that provide this straitjacket.
That’s it Gabriele. If I listen to my body, there’s no pressure, expectation or even acceptance by not having a child. It’s just natural to simply be who I am, responding to life and enjoying each and every opportunity to express myself without any preconceived pictures about what a woman should be or do.
Beautiful Gabriele, the female body ‘only’ asks us to move in stillness.
Well said and when we reflect that this is not a way in which we all choose to live, there is nothing but a reflection to others that the ideas and beliefs are just that and no more.
What a straitjacket it is, Gabriele!
There are so many ways in which we can deny the love we are and can feel in a relationship. Having ideals and beliefs about how it should be feels like one of them, if we are super focused on wanting to have a child we are not taking ourselves deeper in the love of the relationship we are in and not letting the love from the other person in either.
The pressure must be very intense , even so the relationship that lasted maybe for many many years break up and the woman decides to leave the relationship, because the man does not want kids. The phenomenom is, that these women do find a new partner very quick and do get pregnant very fast after the splitting up. I don´t want to generalize, but it feels like the man is just a box ticker and a fulfiller of the expectation how the woman wants to live her life. Doesn´t feel very true have a child in these cases.
Mothering energy is naturally within us with or without having a child. As a woman who never had children when I first connected with this fact I found it very powerful and very freeing because on a daily basis I experience my mothering energy and how gorgeous it is.
It is great to read Gyl, that you could let go of all the pictures and beliefs we get taught from young on. And started being a gift for every child/ teenager and also adult again – because when you meet them, you are not reflecting, what almost everyone carries in their bodies to a certain amount, instead you are offering your quality and space to allow the other person to be.
Gyl, it is very beautiful to read about how important it is that as women we appreciate ourselves and value ourselves and what we bring, I can feel how we so often do not do this.
I get very inspired by parents who aren’t imposing on their children, so that the children can be themselves and build a very solid knowing of what that is for them at such a young age.
The fathering or mothering energy you feel from non-biological parent feels incredibly safe and precious. The world would feel very different if this was our approach to raising children.
When we view children as ‘our own’ and parent from protection we hold children back from their evolution. There is a saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and in many countries communities come together to parent the children in the village which feels like a far more solid start to life that the limited parenting of two adults.
Thank you Gyl, it is truly empowering to know that we can offer a fatherly or motherly energy to others without having to have children of our own, that it is first our relationship with self and the quality of our movements that allows another the opportunity to be themselves and the inspiration to always be more of the love of who they are.
It’s a miss match we have going on as we champion that we are all free to make whatever choices we want and yet we have unreal expectations out there on people and in this case women. To say we are free to do whatever we choose and then to have a very very real pressure on women to have children and if they don’t they are somehow almost a second class citizen is a blight on what we call living. You can say there are those that don’t believe or have this but if it’s real like this for any woman then it’s something we all aren’t clear of. A person is person first, well before they do anything and this base level care and respect needs to be first grounded back in all of us. So no matter the choice or perceived choice we see people before anything else. Articles like this are hugely important for us to break down how we are and how we have been and to see that behind every thought there is an outplay of an action. Collectively we need to keep growing our awareness on what is actually running around in our heads.
I am reaching deeper levels of sadness in my body, and some of this comes from identifying with the regret about not having children. It is an opportunity for me to accept myself more deeply than I have ever done before and welcome so much more love in to my body.
Letting go of the judgement, that it is better with or without a child, is super important. What if some women should get children and some not- because what they have to live in a way of purpose does or does not include children?! There can´t be any judgement and with this comes no regret.
Freeing ourselves of the expectations and pictures of the world about us and what we have taken on is extremely liberating, and a way forward to connecting with our own true selves
We can’t have children just to make other people happy. The impulse to have them has to come from deep within us, otherwise we are just giving ourselves away to someone else’s ideal.
I love how you bust open the fact you weren’t meeting the men for themselves. We spend so much time in our lives not just being with the other person.
It;s great to break this idea of need in love – there is such an investment in need – and yet this only makes love about ticking boxes and not a beholding.
The expectations that we have taken on from our society and our culture can be crippling to the extreme. What is so very needed is for true values of livingness , awareness, and reconnection to start to be the norm… And then our societies will be supporting us to be who we truly are and to be doing what we actually need to be doing.
I love children, but I’m clear that being a mother in this life is not for me. It feels great to have that clarity and own it.
Gyl, I have felt the absolute truth of this; ‘The truth is I am actually already a ‘mum’ to thousands of kids, as I have learnt that mothering and parenting, is an energy and expression first – way before it is about what you do’, I really love being with children and adore them in the same way that I do my biological son, I used to have the idea that I could only really love my own child, but I have now felt that this is not true, that I can have that same connection and bond with all children.
Yes me too, I remember someone saying your love will grow when you have more children and wondering how that could possibly be. Yet what I realised is that underneath our pictures of what we think life should look like there is this well of love that is immense, bottomless, it is all encompassing because it is who we are, what we are made of and where we are from. It is our pictures of who we think family is or what a mother is that reduces what we know to being about biology.
There is a lot of pressure on women to become a mother. I know i certainly felt it when I was younger and for the most part just assumed that I would become a mother at some point in my life. I then married someone who has children, always with the view of still having my own, but the complexities and busyness of having three step children, there didn’t ever feel there was space for another child. I am since divorced, but still carry on a fantastic relationship with the children, whom I love very much. As that is what I brought to them, love and they gave me that in return.
I appreciate the clarity of your comment: “mothering, fathering and parenting is an energy or quality we all can offer, live and hold others in, no matter whether we have biological children or not”. This shows our need to be a biological parent or having our own children to look after is a picture which we have bought into and want to confirm. It is nothing truly to do with parenting itself.
We can choose to offer parenting to ‘any’ and ‘every’ one. This is not dependent on age or circumstance and it is certainly not limited by biological ties.