I recently watched an Esoteric Women’s Health presentation by Natalie Benhayon on relationship with self and others, for the purpose of evolving together. In her presentation, Natalie spoke about the intent behind the choices we make to be in a relationship.
With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to evolve.
I have chosen to be in relationships for love – true love and the emotional kind too – but I have never consciously chosen a relationship to evolve. By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too. By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.
Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.
I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first. There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up.
I thought it was safer and easier to let my partner in so far, then shut them out. I didn’t let them see me in full all the time because I was scared of getting hurt. There were moments I would fully open up and be the love that I am, and then I would return to holding it back, like a ransom: if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too. What an exhausting way to live for us both.
The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.
In the past I wouldn’t always speak up when I knew things weren’t right in a relationship due to a lack of self worth, but also because of the potential of being on my own, the fear of being rejected and not being loved.
I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.
With this understanding I am learning about evolving relationships on a whole new level – and with that I mean all relationships – not only with partners but also with myself, my family, friends, work colleagues and strangers too.
I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.
Inspired by Natalie Benhayon and Serge Benhayon – and the deep care, truth, love, integrity and commitment they live.
By Gyllian Rae, 37, Scotland
Further Reading:
Starting a New Relationship – The Pictures we Hold
Fairy-Tales – why a romantic relationship is so hard to find
Something Beautiful Part 1 – My Unfolding and Being All of Me with a Man
As we deepen our relationship with our inner self we deepen our relationship with everyone.
Love is incredibly independent whilst simultaneously encompassing the all.
Interestingly my current relationship was one that I went into in order to avoid evolving and yet it is definitely one that is now supporting both me and my partner to evolve which feels nothing short of incredible. I feel like some very, very ingrained patterns of behaviour are breaking down for both of us and it’s amazing to be chartering new territory together.
As I sat in my car yesterday, waiting for people to cross the road it occurred to me that I have a relationship with pedestrians. How patient or impatient I am, how I might react differently to someone who’s dawdling because they’re on their phone as opposed to an elderly person who can’t walk quickly. We really are in relationship with everything all of the time, a constant seeing and reacting or thinking and reacting or hearing and reacting, and all based on our relationship with that thing e.g. the sound of sport on telly can bring a sudden onset in boredom in some and yet in others bring on instant excitement and all dependant on our relationship with that thing.
There is no relationship that any of us has, however fleeting that is not in our lives for the purpose of evolution and if we were to truly know that and live that then the rate of our evolution would increase exponentially, rather than what most of us are currently living, which is to get bogged down in relationships because we’re caught up in the human face of them as well as caught up in our own human face. We have temporarily forgotten that we are energetic beings living a multidimensional life.
When we look at all our relationships in our lives we can reflect that actually all no matter with whom has an opportunity to evolve.
What would life look like if we went to work to evolve and then how we interact with the staff, my feeling is that our way of living would turn the corner towards the most amazing way of connecting with others, so thank you Gyl, this is definitely a subject worth delving into.
” I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” Nailed it!! this is so true and you speak for many.
When we have understanding that a relationship or relationships are constellated to support us to deepen the love for ourselves we realise they are golden opportunities to deeply appreciate. I get to understand then that evolution is the true purpose of every relationship in different ways however the same learning is there in each and that is to accept and surrender to a greater love that is to be lived.
This is so awesome to commit ‘to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.’ Would not claim to be able to do this on a consistent basis but recognising that this is possible and getting rid of the issues that stand in the way of allowing this to happen is something that I am working on.
Great point to consider whether we’re choosing to keep evolving in all of our relationships: firstly with ourselves and then with friends, family, work colleagues, people we barely know but whose paths we cross.. every moment is an opportunity for a greater level of love to be felt and then expressed, from within.
What if we just passed people where ever we went and they felt love radiating from our bodies as we walked along this could be a life changing moment as the passersby got to feel something different, it only takes a fleeting moment? That’s where the responsibility comes into play because who are we to withhold something so grand. We all have a God given right to feel love and to be love but this has been corrupted so that we can pass each other on the street and feel anything but love. Why have we allowed ourselves to be so utterly corrupted? It just doesn’t make any sense.
If there isn’t a purpose to evolve then abuse, boredom, stagnation, ignore each other until a need needs filling or comfortably numb with an underlying tension of ‘this isn’t it’ is what the relationship becomes. But how many can raise their hand and say they’ve experienced this in a relationship at some point in life?
No one hurts us. It’s the holding back our love that hurts us. It’s taken a few years and I am continuing to learn it’s mastery. But everytime I go to an issue with “what part of love has been avoided/rejected?” Or such a question. It lances the heart of the issue and stops it then and there. That’s not saying I can’t recreate it but often if I have felt the suffering the issue creates then I choose not to repeat it.
It’s a continual choosing to bring our love in full to every situation, and never holding this back, ‘The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.’
Relationships are a great way for us to learn – we learn our weaknesses and our strengths and we can be massively inspired by other people who have mastered what we have not yet got to grips with.
I love how we are continually learning and becoming more aware in life, ‘Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’
Choosing relationships to evolve includes getting it ‘wrong’ because there is no wrong just an opportunity to learn – and evolve.
I love the concept of choosing a relationship to evolve, supporting one another to be more of the love and amazingness that we are.
All our conversations are either evolving us, keeping us in the same place or actually involving us – that is bringing us down…..the choice is ours.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.”
This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning, and has given me much to ponder upon, thank you.
Gyl a great blog and as someone that used to choose relationships to ‘make me feel better’ today, in most cases, I choose them to evolve. The difference is incredible.
Yes, it brings relationships to a whole new level, choosing them to evolve, rather than from a need, ‘I have chosen to be in relationships for love – true love and the emotional kind too – but I have never consciously chosen a relationship to evolve.’
David I feel that the difference in the two examples that you’ve shared is a lot to do with whether or not we’re focusing entirely on ourselves or widening our view to incorporate others. Are our relationships solely about what we’re getting or not getting from them or are they about the deeper interaction of two or more people and what we can bring to lift all those that we’re in relationship with? When it’s the latter we naturally get taken care of in the process.
When we hold love back it hurts for in the long run we hurt our body and all the others that we protect ourselves from.
Expressing what we actually feel is such a huge and underestimated part of relationships, and probably at the root cause of many, if not most, relationship issues. Learning first of all to decipher what it is and how we actually feel, and then to express that to another in a way that is open and transparent and not laden with emotional reaction, is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves, and all others in our lives.
Suppressing our expression is huge and for me recognising the hurts that I bring to relationships and how that impacts my choices to express or not has supported me to become more open and willing to be vulnerable.
We associate openness with airing angst and hurts – it needn’t be but could just be felt in sharing in absolute vulnerability and transparency.
When we develop the relationship with ourselves and are open to looking at our own evolution, and barriers that we put in the way of it, there is then the potential for deepening and expansion in our relationship with all others.
The alternative to evolving relationships is arrangement and arrangements keep us stuck in old ways of being.
The games that we play with ourselves and our partners is something that we can hold onto and not truly allow the love that is on offer. A love that is everything all of the time yet not settling for anything less. This is for every relationship that we have, to live and share the Love that we deep down know it to be.
thank you Gyl, so true, I will take this forth..Am I in my relationships standing there and claiming them to evolve me or suit my needs/protections?
Thank you for sharing Gyl, that the true purpose of relationships is evolution, such a completely different way of looking at relationships to the way most of us has viewed them from, usually from a need to be wanted to be loved. Instead we can now claim our own love for ourselves and bring true love and honesty to every relationship we have.
Waiting for the ‘one’, the relationship that will help you evolve is like waiting for a train by the road side. The evolution we seek begins with us and our willingness to give irresponsibility up.
My relationships tended to be quite intense as they really mattered to me. It allowed me to let my partner in and allowed us to stay together.
So often we choose relationships for convenience or comfort but not often do people seek a relationship to grow, evolve and draw out all that is within. This is why there are so many relationship issues as a deeper and more truer purpose has not been connected too.
That is beautiful Gyllian, I too have been feeling this way.. Now starting to see what relationships, and the quality, I have chosen and what quality I was bringing to the relationship. An interesting proces and when honestly applied – truly evolving.
Yes, that is a very good comment – relationships are a great reflection and can tell us a lot we weren’t aware of before.
The truth is, as you have pointed out, every single relationship in our lives offers us the opportunity to evolve. We only need to be open to being honest as from here the truth will lead the way for us to deepen our connection to love, and to be more of the love we innately are.
I too can relate to looking for a relationship to bring me something, mainly to bring me a level of closeness with another. What is interesting is that often when this is on offer I reject it and push it away, I find a reason to not open up. I am learning that I need to develop this level of openess with myself first and then with others who I already have relationships with.
Yes. I am realising this too, that the commitment I have in the relationship with myself, the way I treat myself and how deeply honest I am able to be with myself allows an enriching and a simplifying in all my relationships and this is a daily, one could say moment to moment, practise.
Wow Gyllian, this is me all over. It becomes such a normal way of living in relationships you don’t question it. Until you start to feel love is so much more, and that what love you have is not yours to hold back.
Great sharing Gyl it really is so different to be in relationship for evolution. I don’t think many people on really would live this. I am truly grateful for those who do have evolution at the heart of all they do to inspire us to how much more there is in life.
Returning back to love begins with re-develping the relationship with ourselves first, and from this foundation there is a true quality to bring to all relationships.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves”.
We define relationships by struggle and hardship but this only occurs when we avoid the potential of what we are given. When we see our relationship as a place to share, learn and grow and say yes to whatever presents there is a flow.
When we see that everyone we meet is a relationship that can be there for our own evolution, then everything changes in our lives.
“To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.”
This sentence reveals the depth of the problem that humanity is faced with. To even talk about loving oneself can bring ridicule, judgement, and scorn from others. To live in love with oneself incites jealously on the greatest of levels. So it is not easy, but it is the only way we can even begin to love another how they deserve to be loved, something that can only be done by one who knows they deserve their own love.
Sometimes, no matter the words that they say, other people don’t want to ‘go there’ – aren’t ready to accept Love the way that you are. But it’s crucual then that you keep bringing all of your quality going deeper – without apology. Thank you Gyl for this blog.
I agree it is absolutely crucial to bring the depth of quality that lies inside of us to all. Because no matter the reactions to it, everyone knows it to be the truth deep down they too want to live. Someone has to show it is possible.
I am all too familiar with this cyclical pattern of living with protection one day and opening up and letting my partner in the next, allowing the love to flow. But now I am slowly accepting how using this guard to avoid getting hurt actually hurts more than anything.
We are capable of so much and if that so much is not being lived and expanded on daily are we truly evolving?
Loving to be with someone but not needing them is true love and is a true evolutionary relationship. Supporting them being and returning to the grandness they are by working myself on the same topic. It is a constant uplift. For me the most attractive way to be with someone.
Sorting out issues and disagreements seem to be a development once you resolved / got out of them. But it is actually a huge illusion, as you never truly move on in deepening. Because you are always busy with things and do call out truths etc it looks like you are evolving, but in fact it puts you in a delay and keeps you busy to keep you where you are at.
Evolution is a path of development that never stops, and every aspect of life is included in that.
There is so much here that has been said that has brought me to a stop and rightly so. Why would we have any relationship if it was not build on love. Comfort. On the surface this may seem like a reasonable thing, but is it really? There is no love in comfort and there is no truth.
So often one partner may not be so willing, but what do we do? Get frustrated or irate? Pushy and proud? Or do we simply choose to move forward ourselves? The key here seems to be remaining open, connected and supportive to them whatever they choose. Living condition free is the surest way I know to evolve inspired by my soul. Thank you Gyl.
It is never first about expanding together, first it is your own decision to expand within yourself. If you get distracted or reactive because someone denies their own expansion you deny yourself and the power you can actually access.
A beautiful sharing that the more we are open to love within ourselves and others the more we evolve in our relationship to Love.
We have the opportunity to evolve with everyone we interact with, every day… what a fast track ! ☺
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” This is so true, and what a great reminder Gyl.
Every day we have hundreds of opportunities to grow and evolve, If we keep ourselves open love can not but find us, as that is in truth what we are.
Yes, I agree, it does hurts us deeply to hold back love. I have experienced this many, many times and I find myself choosing this due to the familiarity of holding back but now realising it doesn’t support anyone. When we open up and express love, all our relationships is then about evolution.
When you put it like this Gyl why would we choose a relationship based on need as opposed for one that can evolve us.
Great to read this again Gill, the truth we are responsible for our own love takes some time to live, I find it crops up again and again in all kinds of relationships that I place this expectation on others to deliver me love, but it’s a solid truth I keep coming back to that I myself am love in my essence. And although it feels quite hurtful when another is not loving, nothing does hurt as much as leaving my own love.
I have seen over the years how self-love can transform people, how it can break a person free from the chains of conditional love. Because in self-love there is the deepest form of acceptance which naturally spreads out in to every other relationship, thus making self-love the key to brotherhood.
Thank You Gyl for the reminder that it all comes back to the relationship with ourselves.
and again, it goes back to he relationship we have with ourselves. Why do not love ourselves? Very regularly, I do things that are very harmful for me, I eat things that make me feel sick, I constantly abuse myself with thoughts, and then wonder why others do it to me? It is so tiring, yet I keep doing it…
How lovely to read this blog today on my 24th Wedding Anniversary. I have been blessed to marry a man where our relationship is all about evolution and I can highly recommend it. I never knew it was possible to share and experience so much love, joy and purpose and it just keep growing and growing and as you say spreading for it is too much to not share.
Gyl this is a great sharing and made me see more clearly this morning how I can get swayed into thinking the relationship is about me and love rather than evolution pure and simple.
We know exactly who we choose to be around based on whether we want to keep ourselves down or expand.
Gyl, I can feel the truth in what you are sharing here; ‘The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.’ I can feel how often in relationships I hold the other person at ransom, expecting them to be live first, holding back my love, this doesn’t work and creates a distance and lack of connection, being love ourselves feels key in relationships.
If you consider every moment with someone is a relationship, and how many moments we waste in casual or nonsense conversation and NOT evolving or helping another person evolve – it’s crazy. What if every time we spoke to someone there was the potential to support them to move forwards or for them to inspire us? We simply won’t know what is possible until we start to maximise life and make every moment count.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” This rings true for me too. But we can learn and support each other to evolve in any relationship.
In every relationship there is something to learn, in every relationship evolution is possible.
“I have chosen to be in relationships for love – true love and the emotional kind too – but I have never consciously chosen a relationship to evolve.” This, I daresay would be a new concept for many, but well worth considering.
So true Gyl, relationships based on evolution are awesome. We don’t have to be perfect to start with just willing to let people in, let ourselves out, evolve, be responsible and deal with our stuff. Then everything we learn with one person we can extend to everyone else. This applies to our work colleagues as well as our intimate others and family etc – one huge school of life.
Very true that it is the love we reject first. To take this into our relationships is very evolving, as you have shared here.
I have been learning for many months now just to allow…. what does this mean in regards to relationships. Regardless of the relationship whether it be with a partner, friend or family, when we allow; we love them where they are at. In truly allowing there is no judgement for love cannot judge. In the space of non-judgement we do not absorb and at the same time, we do not offload or impose (any negative emotions) onto the other.
How many times do we keep repeating a cycle of rejecting love for ourselves? We think that listening to and pleasing others is love but I am finding more and more that these behaviours are definitely not love but an excuse to delay and keep me on the spinning wheel. What is also becoming clearer is that I know excatly what I am doing that is to say that I am avoiding deepening the connection to myself and therefore to another.
It’s ironic – the person you are closest too in life and say you are dedicated to sharing every day and night is so often the person you push away. In my experience we build walls and start fights, say things that just aren’t right – all to resist the pull of evolution. What I am seeing is that our relationships are built to help us all to return to the truth. This explains the trouble and strife that can come in, when we hold back from moving forward, opening up and embracing Love. We are actually given an amazing opportunity. Thank you Gyl for this sharing.
Yes. I agree Joseph. There’s no mistaking our choices. We know exactly what we are doing.
I’m learning this too. And it’s true, there is potential to learn/evolve from every encounter we have every single day. Being open to what is being presented by the other person and choosing not to react even if it ruffles our feathers, is a skill worth practicing because it stops us from hardening our bodies with protection and helps us remain open to everything and discern what’s true and what isn’t.
Yes staying open and holding the other in love and not reacting is an awesome practise. It not only keeps us in love and harmony but also brings joy and a lightness to our movements.
This is only so new to me. Especially difficult to do with the ones I am closest to. However, the steps I have taken so far have proved, well worth the effort. To intend ‘evolution’ will be most supportive.
We can sometimes pride ourselves on a relationship that we would call good with another, and not so good with another, but if we don’t have the same kind of relationship with everyone, the one we call good, is actually, not. Everything is everything and everything matters.
” To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” Our first responsibility is to ourselves to accept and live the love that we are so that in this reflection we all have the opportunity to evolve.
The only type of intimate relationship I would be open to now is one where we can both evolve. Life has a purpose, and that is to evolve, so it makes sense that you would want that to be the same with your partner.
Gyl what you share is a whole new level of what relationship truly is. It begins with the relationship with ourselves and in this relationship with ourselves, is the relationship we have with God who resides within. If we have a relationship with God we in turn have a relationship with evolution, his love knows nothing else.
Yes it is quite another thing to choose evolution instead of the ‘love’ version most of us have chosen to play out. But like you share the love we have for ourselves, the care and preciousness we are willing to connect to is what we need to develop and then take this to others, not the other way around.
‘Choosing a relationship to Evolve’ is a great title Gyl because it is not something we consider in a relationship. We tend to seek relationships for comfort, to hide in, to feel good and ones that don’t ask us to be more but not to evolve. I feel this is why so many relationships don’t last because we don’t commit to making life about love. I know very few of my relationships whether they were partners family or friends were about love first, they would be about the other person that would make my life more comfortable and wanting them to love and cherish me, yet if I am not open to love how can I expect and appreciate another to be loving towards me. I am learning every day what love means and what it looks like, it is so far from the emotional needy love we are led to believe.
I have started to be open to the potential of dating again, and have learnt so much in the past few days, it has been huge. I am basically parenting myself – in the sense of I know if I was a mum and my daughter was asking me about a guy who didn’t get back in touch or lied, I would say see you later. So that is the way I am being with myself, as I didn’t grow up with learning to love, value and appreciate myself, so I am doing it now, alongside saying what I feel without worrying whether another will reject me. Bt the thing is it’s not personal they are simply saying no to what they can feel in how I am and live, which is an incredible amount of love, power and strength. I also realised I had a pattern of attracting men who were hard – so as it meant I could stay in protection and not surrender – this is now changing and I won’t accept anything less than love.
To understand love and to connect to that love brings a whole new world of understanding about love and true responsibility
We feel hurt and tend to blame others or situations in life when in fact it is the rejection towards ourselves that hurts us the most. It is when I choose to not see, feel, listen and read what is being presented that I want to react and lash out. When I am choosing me and the connection to myself there cannot be any blame for I see what is being presented for what it is therefore there cannot be anything else but love.
Wanting to move forward and evolve relationships can feel very uncomfortable at the time, but I’m feeling the delay only hurts more, and feeds the very thing that gives us our reactions and hurts.
Mmmm…. this is interesting to read as I asked myself the question recently was-“is my part in being in relationship where people reject love, it would be easy to blame them, but I have a part to play in it too”; the answer has just come to me, lack of commitment. I may go through the motions and look like I’m very much committed on the outside, and people couldn’t question me or my commitment to the relationship, but energetically the commitment is not there in full. There’s a lack of trust and commitment. Something to be aware of and work on.
If you cut life down to it’s basics, we have nothing if we’re not evolving. Choosing someone to be with is more than just choosing a companion to go through life with, it’s someone where you can support each other to grow and evolve and learn together, when you have that it’s worth everything.
Also learning to be in relationship in a whole new sense, as in what can we bring to a relationship and not need the other person to bring us anything. I definitely feel there is a lot of hurt in people when we come to talk about relationships.
I have found when I am open to changing the relationship with myself, that change naturally happens with all my other relationships. My experience is that even long term relationships that seemed stuck in a particular mode can become very different.
Exactly Debra, we often try or think we have to change the other person, but the key and the truth is it’s being more loving with ourselves that changes everything – often without words ever needing to be said.
‘And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.’ This exposed the moments I still take to have a pause from evolving and express love.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.”
This is such a revelation Gyl, as it shows that the hurts we carry are not even ours but are the hurts of others rejecting their own love within themselves; with this understanding we can let go of that which has been holding us back from evolving back to the love that we are.
Imagine being offered love by someone in a relationship with out needing anything in return – now that is true love.
The key is to not have pictures of what an evolutionary relationship should look or be like, or who it should be with – let’s be truthful, we all do this – but evolution may come and often does in the exact opposite of the picture you have created.
Gyl, these words are pure gold. Thank you so much.
Like you Gyl I too have learned, the hard way, that by “holding back love that actually hurts”, and when I was holding back love I can see that I was also holding back me; a double whammy of pain! I never really understood this until I came to finally understand the true meaning of love. Now I know that when I hold back love, I hold back me, as I am in essence that love and this love is too precious to keep tucked away just for me.
A Very inspiring blog Gyl. Evolution begins with building a true relationship with ourself first and as this evolves, so too do relationships with others.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve”.
Relationship in the truth of its definition, is another name for evolution.
It’s so simple isn’t it Gyl, just keep deepening the love we feel for ourselves and express with others, and live in our everyday. Knowing that we are evolving back to the grandness we originally were means the road map is already there, but getting there is via evolving one another through relationships.
This is a stunning blog, evolution is the potential of all our relationships with everyone, we can bring evolution to our partners, our colleagues, our children, even the shopkeeper. BUT as so beautifully stated we, evolution begins with us first.
It is a great choice with many unseen rewards until you take the leap.
Gyl, I wonder how much has changed since you published this blog almost exactly a year ago. I found just being aware of something I do can change this action profoundly. Has this happened for you?
“With this understanding I am learning about evolving relationships on a whole new level – and with that I mean all relationships – not only with partners but also with myself, my family, friends, work colleagues and strangers too.” Such a great point. It can seem so very easily that relationships are only that one relationship with the man or woman of our dreams but it is true we are in relationship with every-one. And we can equally, grow, evolve and be more open in relationships with colleagues, friends, people we meet on the street etc., in other words no more settling for less than beautiful connections in our lives as far as we can influence that from our end.
Gillian the simplicity of your sharing is gorgeous, true love is about always evolving, that is true love. Anything less which holds us back and so forth is emotional and conditional love. True love only takes us one way and that is of expansion.
It’s a very powerful place to be, to understand that another’s rejection is not actually directed at us, but in truth they are rejecting love and evolution. And when rejection comes our way, there is a powerful understanding that love cannot be taken away from us either because it’s who we are and our own choice to stay connected to it.
When we trust a friend to share the truth with us and not just what we think we want to hear, we have a true relationship that supports both to evolve.
When we look at relationships with the intention to evolve it changes everything. We put truth first instead of being nice. And it isn’t about being loved or feeling loved but loving someone in full – a beholding. I too was very good at putting expectations on others but this just creates a hurt in me when really I am capable of loving in full, myself first and then others, and doing so without getting hurt – ie with no investment. This is evolution. And to know that a relationship can never be static but has the potential to always deepen.
The foundation of love has to be established in ourselves first, ‘I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’
Are we willing to go to the next level…step into evolution and love “I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. “, I know, there have been moments when I have said no or yes to love, it has looked like I have rejected someone when I have said no to love, but truly I have not been welling to go the next step….lovingly and gorgeously, there will always be another opportunity. Letting go of the imagined hurt of rejection, investment in someone else getting it, feeling, living it, is a work in progress for me. But I see more clearly that it is necessary to truly evolve.
It really makes it clear that we really can’t have truly loving relationships in our lives if we don’t first choose to be loving ourselves and let people in- when we make this step this is then what constellates around us.
The thing about choosing a partner for evolution is that it is against all of our pictures of what a relationship should be, but this is the good part, because through this we get to see that life is far more than the security we often seek.
I feel the neediness I have in relationships exposes my own lack of a relationship to my own evolution. You brilliantly describe it “To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” This is how relationships can become a convenient “out” by placing my focus on others and not on developing the love inside me and my own self love.
I have been reading a lot of comments and blogs recently, there’s so many thing we as woman do in our community, and in the world, thinking, believing or dressing them up as being good, loving etc when if truth be told they are not. We do them as a way to avoid whats really going on, the fact that we shut men out. We are not actually being open to men or letting them in.
I had a picture in my head of what an evolutionary relationship and boyfriend would be, this was blown out the water completely when I met someone recently.
Perfect blog for me to read today, as I ponder on the question what I am choosing in my relationships with everyone I come into contact with. Am I choosing to bring all of me or I am choosing to dim my light so others feel comfortable which is an old pattern of mine……
Gorgeous blog Gyllian. I recently entered into a relationship with the intent to evolve and in doing so I have been faced with a great deal of hurts and patterns to heal. This left me in a state of shock at first as it did not fit the ‘honeymoon period’ picture I had developed from past relationships and the images I have been fed (and gulped down) about relationships throughout my life. The biggest thing I have learnt from being in a relationship with a partner so far is that we are always in relationship with everyone just as you say here. You are absolutely spot on.
Gorgeous, honest sharing Leonne! Your intent to evolve has provided the relationship and the safety to face those old hurts and patterns.
It is very cool to come back to this blog after 6 or so months as I am taking in what’s being presented on a whole new level and this allows me to see patterns with even more clarity. It’s actually a really gorgeous marker to return and see some of my past comments, how they were written and how I felt at the time to where I am now. I’ve since said YES to evolution in a big way and having an intimate relationship with myself.
You are so gorgeous Rachael – I love the way you share.
Gorgeous Rachael. It is a really good idea to come back to my own comments and see how I have evolved since then. It reminds me of the fact that if we do not stop and feel how we are going we often do not appreciate what we have learned and how much we have grown.
It’s very true that we can hold back because of “the fear of being rejected and not being loved.” However, this can go on for an eternity until we break through the illusion that the only love on offer is outside of us. This is what is so groundbreaking about the work of Serge Benhayon – the love we truly seek is inside us and it’s the most powerful love we can feel. It’s also not a concept but something that is both powerfully felt and practically lived in day to day life. I am still breaking down the old consciousness around love and living from hurts, and making steps everyday to continually reconnect to the love I am and live this for myself (as self love), this has made huge changes already in all of my relationships.
Beautifully shared Gyl, in this blog you show very clearly that for a relationship to evolve it has to be based on love and to truly love we have to love ourselves first and foremost. Such a powerful lesson for us all.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” This is so true yet so many of us think the opposite, that is that the only way we can protect ourselves is by making sure we do not show our love in case we get rejected. The problem with that is that in holding back our love we are rejecting ourselves.
I am finding it is the relationship I have with myself first that always makes a difference to the quality of the relationship I have with others.
When we commit to developing a loving and evolving relationship with ourselves first, we then bring an honouring quality to all the relationships. As without honouring the Love within ourselves first we cannot honour the Love within another, or be open to what is truly on offer. There is no evolution in resistance and when we allow Love to guide us we will then be open to understanding the Divine grandness that we are all intrinsically part of, through which every relationship offers us the opportunity to evolve and live who we all truly are.
Thank you Carola for highlighting that our relationships with others is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. As we ” commit to developing a loving and evolving relationship with ourselves first, we then bring an honouring quality to all the relationships.” The foundation needs to be based on building the quality of Love, to then deepen and evolve the relationship.
So many of us hammer away at our relationships, bringing in ideas and notions about how to improve them, ‘date night’, more sex, more non sexual touch, sharing a hobby etc but if there’s no movement in our relationship with ourselves first then there won’t be any significant change in our external relationships. It is the movement inwards that changes everything externally. We don’t need to announce it or place expectations on it, we simply need to do it and then watch as everything around us changes.
True Love itself can never hurt us, it is only our separation to Love that causes us to feel hurt, pain and emptiness through which we then build walls of protection to safeguard ourselves, as it is not our natural way to hold back the Love that we essentially are within.
This is such an important factor to consider, as the intent in which we enter any relationship is the foundation that forms the direction the relationship will move in. Thank you Gyl for highlighting the truth, that we have a responsibility in what we bring to any relationship, are we imposing our emotional needs onto anther or are we bringing an openness and willingness to grow and deepen our connection to Love, for ourselves and with each other.
Do we make our life, each day about evolution? What a contrast with pushing through and being a success the way we usually think we need to do. If we were to accept the way life constantly teaches and offers us moments to expand, perhaps we would start to see it is not ‘our’ life at all, but something shared? And then we may see that relationships with other people are not tricky dilemmas to be negotiated or avoided but the lifeblood of it all. Wow Gyl, imagine if we embraced ourselves and our evolution this way. The simple fact is we can all start to live this way today.
I love the message in this blog, time to make all relationships about evolution – we’re here to support each other to evolve, and there’s nothing greater than the feeling of evolving with someone.
‘To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’ That’s where I am at right now, to be honest and commit and deepen the relationship I have with myself, my body and include others in this process of deepening the love for myself by being completely open about what is going on.
We can choose to stay in comfort in relationships or we can choose to evolve. The first one might seem cruisy but it is the fast track to misery. A relationship to evolve is a fast track to our true purpose – to serve and to return to who we are.
Wow Gyl, your blog just blows all those romantic ideas out of the water and exposes the lie we have all at some point fallen for – emotional love. Every day we are given so many opportunities to choose evolution over emotion.
It was very timely reading this as I have been feeling how much I want that feeling of family around me and feeling that I haven’t yet chosen that, yet still being challenged by letting people in. When I think about it in those terms I still hold my hurts for fear of getting hurt however, when I think about relationships as an opportunity to evolve it changes it. It offers me the potential to see something from the perspective of making different choices- it has a whole different purpose- one is to bring me something the other is to bring out more of me.
I love the title of this blog. At first it conjures up thoughts on finding another yet the reality hits home when we realise that the greatest relationships we can ever have starts with US.
‘The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.’ Very true Gyl, we expect others to be loving with us first and then if we feel safe we will be loving to them – it is an exhausting way to live picking and choosing who to love. Learning to be open and truly loving with everyone is an absolute game changer and is key to deepening and evolving all our relationships in amazing ways.
Yes there is a lot of love of in evOLVE
It is super interesting that we can reject that which we miss and long for most; love. It brings so much up for us in returning to it and accepting that we can receive and are from it.
We can get so complicated, in our endeavour to hide from ourselves and others.
This is such a good subject to explore, by evolving our relationships we will evolve everything and totally speed up mans evolution.
‘I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’ This is a headline. Something none of us want to hear. because as the quote suggests, we simply do not want the responsibility to be love.
It’s a brave thing to look at Gyl. We are most certainly not brought up to ‘love’ in the true sense, ourselves first. We seek partners because we believe we are missing something and so when we ‘get one’, we feel we’ve achieved what we are here to do. But how many of us can truly say we are evolving together or allowing ourselves to deepen our relationship with ourselves once we are in the comfort of what we believe to be a relationship.
A relationship offers by essence evolving, due to the fact that we as individuals are constantly evolving. This is pure mathematic. However, sometimes we get attached to some enjoyable moments, not wanting them to end and trying to repeat that unrepeatable moment. Sometimes we also avoid to feel the distance with the other or what someone reflect to us, which is in fact an oportunity for us to evolve, by going beyond appearances, understanding and healing what comes up at that moment.
Evolution is always at our hands. Again, it’s our choice to surrender, or on the contrary to resist to it.
Every relationship brings us the potential to evolve, but it’s the one we have with ourselves that requires work first because we can never fully love another until we take responsibility for allowing the love we naturally are to evolve first – no hurts, no protection, no holding back. It’s way more responsible to take this version of ourselves into loving another rather than bringing the measured version that comes with its conditions, needs and withholdings.
Whether a relationship is evolutionary or not is up to us, and what we bring to the relationship. It’s even possible for both people to evolve at different rates in different ways and have totally different experiences of the relationship. There’s no right or wrong way just the way that feels true for both people as a couple and as an individual (or as a group).
Gyl, very true and real. We should make this our first and foremost aim in relationships the evolution, in order to truly develop a relationship and heal patterns and old behavior in your own skin and together. Like you shared, we often deny our own relationship and look for the outer – but this does not work. So it is much more greater and fun to go in a relationship together – knowing that you can work on it together and that true evolution will bring love anyway.
We indeed have the responsibility of being love ourselves and not wait, measure love within the relationship. I too still hold back at moments and realize it is me who is rejecting the love itself. It has nothing to do with the other. That is an excuse, a hiding from this responsibility I have to express myself in full. And there is more that fullness of love is ever evolving. That is another dimension to what relationships are truly about:constant evolution. Way to go, way to be:-)
I agree with you Gyl in every relationship we have, be it fleeting, frienships or partnerships, there is always the potential and the opportunity to evolve. Holding ourselves in openness, love and connection to self is the key. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom;
“I am learning about evolving relationships on a whole new level – and with that I mean all relationships – not only with partners but also with myself, my family, friends, work colleagues and strangers too”.
I have made heaps of mistakes in my life but I did one thing right: I looked for a relationship to evolve 25 years ago and I didn’t stop until I found my beloved.
I have in the past viewed relationships, be it with a partner, friend or family member focusing only on self, what you are presenting here is an entirely different view of relationships being opportunities for evolution and growing together. It completely changes the perspective from wanting something, be it love, sex or just a good laugh to something that has purpose and fulfilment. When we see each an every interaction as a possibility of something much grander it completely changes the responsibility we have to connect with others.
Gyl, this is such a superb blog and a beautiful reminder that in every encounter we have, be it at the checkout of the supermarket, in the DIY store or waiting at the bus stop, we have the opportunity for evolution.
I love how you tangibly describe what it is like to evolve in any relationship ‘choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too. By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.’
Choosing to commit to deepening and expanding my love, and at the same time saying yes to evolution in relationships are all choices we make in every second of every day.
Thank you Gyl – your blog has me pondering my relationship with evolution itself. I can see that I use countless devices to avoid my own evolution which is quite confronting and also abusive. It is clear to me that this way of being affects all of my relationships and it is a choice. Thank you for reminding me to choose what is true.
It is so freeing not to be held ransom by others ability to love me. Rather I can love me totally, always. And what comes or goes is just that.
I love the powerful simplicity in what you are sharing with us all “By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too. By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.” In truth, we all know this feels true.
Who ever heard of choosing a relationship to evolve? All you have to do is just find ‘the right one’ for you and live happily ever after don’t you? Well that’s what I was brought up to believe and this was confirmed by what I observed in others in everyday life and in most movies. Of course, as soon as the honeymoon is over, reality checks in and we check out and accept that this is as good as it gets.
Gyl your blog holds the magic potion, that we were, and still are, seeking – being LOVE first. (Definitely no Love Potion No. 9 required).
“By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.” – This for me was a great summary of what evolution is and ultimately it comes down to our bodies and how it responds to our choices as our marker of evolution. If I make a choice that the body responds to by opening up then that is evolution, if the choice results in contraction then it is not evolving. The everyday choices of the quality we choose to relate to life, people, objects and tasks is what supports us to evolve or not.
Yes, I can use a relationship to hold myself (and therefor the other and us all) back or to evolve. This is the ultimate question: do I choose true love or against it. Because Love means Evolving on this planet. So the moment I choose to stay in comfortable arrangement with another instead of going for the next step, I choose against love.
The theme that stands out beautifully for me from your blog Gyl, is that of responsibility. When we realise that we are not in any relationship ‘for ourselves’ and our own needs, but that we constantly impact upon each other, relationships naturally become about so much more. All that we reflect to each other and the myriad of ways we are with each other offers immense opportunity to yes, evolve – to become aware of what holds us back from being all that we can be, deepen our love and understanding, and truly support each other to not just live for ourselves, but for all, for our true nature would have it no other way.
I agree Alison. It is important to become more honest about how are we in our relationships. And are we choosing to evolve with ourselves and with our partner and friends? And if not what is holding us back to deepen our love on a daily basis?
If we knew that we were choosing relationships to evolve I feel we would possibly choose someone completely different to the picture we can so easily create in our mind. So often we choose people from our past experiences and desires or someone that will keep us in comfort and not push our buttons, rather than feeling if it is someone who we could evolve together with. By having an idea and a picture we want someone to live up to we can close ourselves off to the potential of what could be an amazing relationship.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” If taught this from young and this is what we saw around us blogs like this would not exist as it would be the norm in life! I am learning to see relationships with anyone in this way especially if there are challenges as these are actually opportunities. However I also feel I have a way to go to fully open myself up in every relationship. Thank you Gyl for the wisdom shared.
‘Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’
I know exactly what you mean Gyl, such a great realisation to have and untangle ourselves from.
And further to that, I can also relate to the fact I have never chosen relationships before, particularly intimate ones, to evolve. Far from it in fact. I chose them specifically to NOT evolve, to never be asked to be fully myself and to be responsible for the love I am. That willingness to constantly evolve in relationships is something that still feels like exercising a very underused muscle… crazy really, when we are talking about deepening the love that is felt and expressed between us constantly!
I also love your line ‘holding back love actually hurts…’ this is so true, and also a game-changer of massive proportions when we think of hurts as something another has done to us. Understanding it comes from shutting our own love down completely changes where responsibility lies.
Gyl I love what you’ve shared about love and evolving relationships… and can very much relate to it all. Coming to understand that we cannot reject another person, nor them us, was a game-changer for me too. And to know that love was inside me, and not from another was key to understanding why. It took me many years for this to become my reality, in that I actually didn’t feel hurt by a potential partner saying no, or an old friend moving away… but it is true. When your own love is intact, there is only understanding of what underlies another’s choices.
I can totally relate to every part of this article and particularly like this which has opened me up to a new level of awareness. “I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” I too have chosen relationships for love and companionship and joy in my life, and have not made the specific choice to make it about evolving my love for me and evolving my way of living to be about humanity and what I need to reflect. I am currently in a relationship that started out about love and evolution but at times has dipped back to just love and the need for love, usually when what is being exposed to evolve is being resisted or avoided. This is painful and absolutely not the way I choose to be in relationship and will only change if I personally make my life and my relationship with myself about evolution, this is the only true way forward, it can never be about the relationship alone.
I absolutely love your honesty here Danielle, having an understanding of where we are at in relationships and being open to seeing what is there is key and your response here shows a truly beautiful understanding of yourself. Thank-you for your sharing, very refreshing and beautiful.
So well said Danielle. And this goes for friendships as well. It has been great to let go of attachments and needs as they arise., the freedom of this expands my body and being and leaves the door open for the most beautiful, incredible, growing, relationships.
Gorgeous blog Gyl, I love coming back to it and feeling the truth of relationships. It is not always easy to be honest, but this blog helps me to see where I am not choosing to evolve in relationships, but till now chose protection over true love and evolving.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.” I love this line and it is a great reminder that when ever I feel rejection it is an opportunity to deepen the love for myself instead of reacting and blaming the other. As I learn to not hold back and express myself I notice those people that would n’t normally speak to me actually want to be in my company. It’s amazing the changes that take place as I commit more deeply to feeling love for myself and expressing this love in my day.
Yes, a great line Caroline, much revealed there.
Being love first in every moment is huge for the most challenging thing for me right now is to express my appreciation and love towards family members but this makes so much sense because I can feel the opportunity to go deeper in appreciating and accepting myself but also can feel the resistance in capping myself to not go there.
‘To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’ This is huge. When we find ourselves rejecting love we can, by stopping, if only for a few seconds, reconnect back to the love that we have for ourselves and really allowing ourselves to feel that we can connect to the other in love again.
Yes Elaine, it is amazing as what Gyl is sharing means that we are able to heal a ‘broken heart’ within minutes, or even seconds… just as long as it takes to realise it is our own love we have shut down and open our own heart up again. Sacred Esoteric Healing is profound in it’s ability to support this process and over the years I have watched countless people arrive at a session feeling downcast, depressed, hurt, rejected.. all those things we feel when ‘love goes wrong’, only to walk out an hour later feeling light, joy-full, enthusiastic, understanding and loving again. It is quite miraculous really… although not when you understand what love is, and the fact it is available to us in abundance when we allow it, and is not something we have because another is so-called ‘loving us’ the way we would like them to.
“..and is not something we have because another is so-called ‘loving us’ the way we would like them to.” This is true I know in the past I thought I could only have love if someone else was loving me. I had no understanding, let alone feeling, that I am love and the love I am to me is what counts first every time. I am so glad I have now rediscovered this way of loving myself. Now it is living in a way that is evolving too!
Thank you Gyl Rae for sharing your part of the story. Relationships are indeed something to take very lovingly care of , care meaning the love for oneself (in living activity) and so being loving with your partner, mom, family member, friend , colleague (who ever we have a relationship with). This is way more then just a person to be with or spend time with, as is often misplaced by needs and fulfillment. As we can say , because we do not choose relationships to evolve, we are in the constant distress of not feeling enough – and so the many relationships then end up in hurts and further drama. This is why it is so important that we have this subject raised and shared from the truth of what relationships are about – evolution. Thank you again Gyl and so also our everyday livingness website for making this available to read for us all.
I so enjoyed reading your blog Gyl which was a gorgeous reminder of the beauty and responsibility (purpose) to stay on track with my choice to make ALL my relationships evolving – partner, children, family, neighbours, clients, close and not so close friends, delivery man etc – . It is easier with some more than with others at first, and there is great learning as well as healing opportunities with that fact. Then the more solid I am with yourself, the more natural it becomes.
Yes agreed Alexandra, it is a commitment to make all relationships evolving… as we are well used to, if not masterful at keeping the ‘status quo’ around us. I know I certainly am…
It is amazing and yet makes so much sense when you first hear that relationships can be about evolution. We have made them about just about everything else, but that is not working for us. Our relationships are not working, let alone being full loving and open. This then flows onto our kids who are growing up in an environment where there is no true reflection of what love and relationships can be.
I so agree Susan, it is the honesty in the end that will show us where we are living with evolution or need.
I learned at Universal Medicine courses that a relationship is not constricted to a partnership between two lovers. For how long did I yearn for a partnership because I was taught that only in such a constellation can I experience true love, intimacy, trust, …? Now I know I can experience love with everybody, depending on the relationship and depth I live with myself. How freeing.
In reading this again I have felt the significance in the choice of relationship we have with ourselves. It has not always occurred to me that we have a relationship with ourselves but we do very much so. Are we loving hard, judgmental or disregarding toward ourselves or loving, understanding and appreciative? This relationship can determine the kind of relationships we look to be in with others, how we perceive them and our experience of them. Changing our self-relationship will equally affect all others.
When there is not a settlement and a foundation of love in yourself it is hard to be loving with others too. The pain of not loving yourself is then to big to truly express a warmth and holding to someone else.
Very true Lieke, ‘The pain of not loving yourself is then too big to truly express a warmth and holding to someone else’… if only this were understood universally, the world would be a VERY different place. The responsibility required however to live this as a truth is something many baulk at… the fact they then have to live without the depth of love they could otherwise have, will one day be a motivating factor for everyone.
I loved re-reading this piece Gyl especially the line ‘I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.’ This jumped out at me as recently I have been taking more responsibility in my relationship with myself and therefore my relationships with all others have shifted and changed. Previously I was one to blame or judge, be it myself or another and I can now see how irresponsible this way of living was. Getting honest with myself and really beginning to peel back the layers of protection I had built, I have seen that true evolution begins when we open ourselves up to knowing, living and being love. While I know I have more to let go of and in, I am loving how when I live in a more loving and honest way that everyone around me has the opportunity to grow and evolve too. I find too I am much more accepting and allowing of where others are at too and this has allowed many of those old beliefs, expectations and ideals to fall by the wayside.
Starting with ourselves is the only way to go in relationships. It is so easy to blame and look outside ourselves. Yet when we do look inside, we have an immense opportunity to grow and become more loving and it turns out to be a joy rather than something to fear. This is a win-win for everyone. It is a gradual process for me, as I become aware of patterns that I had previously considered normal. Getting honest is great advice Jade, as nothing true can come if we don’t start there.
Yes Jade. I too am finding that when I am connected to myself and living from this connection, there is no imposing on another; only an acceptance and an allowance of another to be where they are at. To me, this is very beautiful and what I call true love which is impossible not to continue to develop.
This is such a beautiful piece of writing Gyl, I can feel how amazing this would be to have programs in schools to support children and their parents to build relationships that are about evolution and true love. I know I have a responsibility to bring this to all my relationships and how beautifully the flow on effect works to inspire others to also live this truth as well.
The evolution of life is actually quite simple, and having people to share this with is one of life’s greatest joys.
Gyl this is such a revelation to love and what is really going on. Holding back our love for fear to not get hurt is a world dilemma that we all participate in. The truth about relationships and living the love fully we are and expressing this naturally allows us to grow expand evolve and be love simply.
I love your honesty here, Gyl: “I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first”. Most of us are looking for someone else to provide the love we want and that places a demand on the other which is not loving and begins the relationship on a foundation of need rather than a willingness to “commit to deepening and expanding our love together”. Wanting something from someone closes the door to love. If the willingness is there then there is a possibility for expansion and by having loving understanding for each other and ourselves we can start to trust and then we easily open up and let go of our hurts.
Gyl thank you, your blog reminds us that the intent to do anything is a crucial forerunner of the action. That first impulse comes from an energy and if it is not about expanding or evolving, it will hold us back.
It is crazy how we reject the self love and then blame others when we feel rejection. It is our own doing as they are not rejecting us, but giving us a reflection that we are rejecting the love we are. When we start to look at self love, there is no space for rejection.
What I can feel from your sharing Gyllian is that a relationship of true love and evolution is not always one that is without its difficulties and challenges. We may have a perception that true love is perfect, but it is not especially when the level of honesty and commitment to truth is considered.
Joshua a great point here, in that what is our perception of love? I agree that it’s about truth, commitment and a willingness to evolve and grow rather than have some comfortable setup whereby each person stays the same.
This is true Joshua, there will always be challenge to deal with. But this does not mean it is not joyful. It can be a joyful process dealing with the challenges and clearing the way for more love. If we keep it light we can deal with anything.
Yes we are sold a picture from young that love is always lovely, nice and comfortable. Yet this is not true, love can be very exposing of our own lovelessness sometimes and this can be a bitter pill to swallow. In my experience it always leads to more space and love in my body when I am honest and let go of what was exposed as not so loving behaviours or actions.
Evolutionary relationships were once a foreign concept for me but now I realise how stagnant some of my relationships had become but I still held onto them fast! I was stagnant in them as well.
It is so beautiful to evolve with another with both parties committed to the process. Although it can be challenging the joy is immense.
So simple.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” Can you image if the world walked around with this philosophy! What a change we would see!
It was perfect for me to read this blog today Gyl, I had been letting thoughts run away with me plotting how to keep myself safe in relationships by withdrawing into myself and then I read this line: The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” Yes this is true, it is as easy as simply being as loving as I can be in each moment.
Leonne a lovely reminder to read, when their are lots of things going on, people wanting and needing stuff from you it can be easy to withdraw and block those feelings. However I’m learning that in doing so we loose our own connection to ourself and actually end up hurting more. As you say its as easy and simple as being as being as loving as I can in each moment.
Through sharing your own experience, Gyl, you show so clearly that for a relationship to evolve it has to be based on love and to truly love we have to love ourselves first.
Having just embarked on a new relationship, I can feel how this was such an important part of my own foundational love, which was to be in an evolving relationship. I just could feel within me that there wasn’t an ounce of me that would accept anything less than that. In fact I declared that I was happy to be a single women in this life for the rest of this life and enjoy being in service, developing and deepening that relationship with me and all relationships in my life. But what was amazing, when I surrendered to that, letting go of any attachment to meeting a man, I met my partner a few weeks later. Amazing how energy works.
Yes amazing Raegan… what you’ve described is a completely different foundation to the one most of us enter relationships with. When we need someone to make us feel better, more, enough,whole, loved or lovable, approved of, comforted, secure or successful, it is not love we have chosen, but an arrangement by which we are met in whatever need we have. The complication this brings into a relationship from the outset is astounding actually… and is the basis for most relationships that eventually go pear-shaped and fall apart. Having your own love as a foundation before you even enter relationship, knowing you don’t need another to make you feel good or whole, is an essential base for an evolving relationship.
A great read again and the breaking of relationship being just with a partner, when relationships can be with everything and everyone.
Indeed Gyl there is potential in every relationship to evolve; it is incumbent on us to be responsible in what we bring to each and every interaction/relationship. As you have pointed out it is imperative to speak the truth, with deep love and respect, thus allowing the opportunity to evolve. So much to ponder on in this blog Gyl, thank you.
Yes Shirl, I love the way you’ve expressed this… ‘it is incumbent on us to be responsible in what we bring to each and every interaction/relationship’. We do have the opportunity to bring evolution to every relationship in every moment… it is just a choice to do so, no matter how much we justify another not wanting to go there.
When I look back at my life today I see how each and every relationship has been heavily affected by this idea of Love I had, which is basically need. The need to be needed, the need to not be needed, the need to need to need – man it just goes on! But what your words bring through Gyllian is the simple beauty and true freedom in being present and loving with ourselves. When we live this, without distraction evolution is guaranteed.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” This is the line which stood out for me this morning. If we don’t live with our partner the level of love which is offered, it deeply hurts and then we create issues to distract ourselves from feeling this hurt and create more hurts on top.
In the last few days I’ve realised that I held a belief/ideal of what I thought evolving was – especially in an intimate relationship. I am forever creating and bringing up issues to work on so it fits this idea and I feel satisfied that we’re evolving. I also do this in the relationship with myself! My idea of evolution has been smashed recently and I feel totally received that I am free to be myself, be joyful and that all I really need to do is feel the connection with myself and others and just love them! Yes, stuff will come up, but I no longer need to create stuff to be there as a prerequisite for evolving.
Well said Rachel. There is no need to go digging for issues just for the sake of it. We can live with lightness, love and joy and be open to feeling and looking at anything else that comes up along the way. Life is for living and loving, not revelling in our issues.
Hear hear Rebecca well said.
This is a beautiful blog Gyl, it brings an enormous clarity to relationships and the foundations they need to be built on. As in truth there is eventually no other choice than to choose to base them on love, and evolving together. It is so true that this counts for every relationship we have. There is always a possibility to base them on love, and choose to evolve, as there always is the choice to do or to not evolve.
To feel those beautiful moments when you feel yourself change, are priceless, as you know, that the energy you are feeling is not of love, is not you, because soul or God would not give you a feeling of being less or send any judgement and there is a restrictive feeling inside. Nothing like allowing love in to support and expand you and claim your true nature back once again.
It’s important we don’t give ourselves or other people a hard time and live by rules and or conditions – life is to be lived lightly, celebrated, and enjoyed too.
Very true Gyl – being playful in relationships is an amazing way to keep things light while still developing and living to our awareness as it expands.
…and it is possible to walk away from the usual rules and conditions thinking we are evolving, only to give ourselves another set of rules and conditions to live up to. Yes it’s possible to become too serious and very hard on ourselves. We need to remain light about things on the path of evolution.
True that Gyllian
The first relationship we need to have is a very intimate one with our own evolution – before we can consider evolution with anyone else.
Spot on Gyl – we are never not in relationship, it’s a 24/7 thing and everything we do effects everyone else. So what are we choosing? What’s are foundations? The relationship with self feels very foundational and perhaps dictates how we will be in all our relationships there after. If we choose to be dishonest with ourselves and how we are feeling, then how is it possible to hold a deep honesty and openness with another?
‘looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’ This sums up so clearly why we desperately look for relationships and then why they become the opposite of love and the opposite of evolution. I used to believe that need was a necessary and natural part of relationships – with a partner, or family member or friend etc. I am learning that it is imposing and doesn’t provide the space and observation that supports relationships to evolve.
‘By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too.’ How many people step start a relationship with this commitment to themselves and to evolving? This completely changes my understanding of what a relationship is.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” Wow I really feel this and am seeing it more and more in my life and that of others and your writing here Gyl is a beautiful inspiration and reflection and evolution for all humanity and our relationships.
Gyl I have never had a relationship solely for the purpose of evolving, so reading your words were inspiring and have given new meaning to all relationships in my life. I look forward to the renewing of old and new relationships with this new insight. With appreciation.
Even within relationships that have been chosen for evolution we can get stuck in a level of comfort that does not serve. It is so important to keep deepening the level of love and honesty in order to continually evolve. Otherwise it simply becomes another static relationship of convenience.
When we don’t impose on another, need or expect anything from anyone else, this is when the true magic and evolution in relationships happens as we are simply allowing each other to be ourselves.
The key question is how much are we really ready to let in and let out. We answer this question everyday, and not always in the same way.
Choosing a relationship to evolve; choosing to make a relationship about evolution; choosing to evolve in a relationship. These are choices that require to be confirmed and acted on all the time. And, this requires a body that walks in the knowing that it has no hurts and that it honours its true movement.
Beautifully put Eduardo. Our role is to present a body for relationship that is ready for evolution.
‘Choosing a Relationship to Evolve’ is an interesting title Gillian, it is not the usual introduction you would read on dating agencies, but I can feel how this puts a lot more responsibility onto each other, it is no longer about needs or expectations but about what it is that 2 people can bring to the relationship so that they can evolve together
I have realized there are no pictures to hold onto what a relationship to evolve would look like. Sometimes these relationships could be opportunities for us to say no, as well as accept that our part is to simply express no matter how the other party responds (or not respond), sometimes the evolution is for us to keep choosing love, no matter how it looks on the outside. When we choose love, every relationship with everyone can be evolutionary, and the definition of what a relationship is also deepens in its own evolution in the process.
This is important. Since no one has to evolve out of the same and is at the same point than the other one, tension is a likely guest to the party. The important thing is not to be taken in by any situation but to choose to honour yourself first no matter what. There cannot be evolution if we leave ourselves behind.
Evolution in relationship, although this feels like a new concept, actually I reckon it is very very old, ancient in fact. And we only need to return to it to experience the magic of it and discover that it was always there, as a potential underpinning every relationship we have ever and will ever have. So the question continues of will evolution be chosen or not? Either way, it remains.
“In the past I wouldn’t always speak up when I knew things weren’t right in a relationship due to a lack of self worth, but also because of the potential of being on my own, the fear of being rejected and not being loved.” The last weeks I started taking more responsibility in my relationship with my partner and had to nominate for myself that one reason why I often did not speak up was because I did not want to be without a partner. That was great to see and to tell him and to get this out of the way of truly connecting with my partner. To be able to express and not hold back what needs to be said.
It’s such a shame we live in a world where most of us are too afraid to be all the love that we naturally are, through fear of being rejected or hurt. A truly loving, evolving relationship would suffer none of these barriers.
Beautifully said Kevin – True love doesn’t need protection or barriers as it holds all as equal and sees beyond the surface layers to the depth of who we all are at heart.
“…There were moments I would fully open up and be the love that I am, and then I would return to holding it back, like a ransom…” I know that feeling only too well Gyl and as you say it is really exhausting living this way. Choosing a relationship to evolve is our responsibility, coming into relationships with needs, beliefs and ideals would soon get exposed and being able to work through these with a partner sounds awesome to me.
Absolutely Shelley, I am also appreciating that I can work through my needs, beliefs and ideals about relationships whether I have a partner or not as I am in a relationship with every person I encounter. We can choose to evolve in any relationship if we choose to evolve full stop.
Gyl when I look back at all my relationships from young to recent times with friends, at school, colleagues at work to partnerships, the initial intention in the very large majority – especially until recently – was ‘what is in this for me?’. With that intention as the basis, no wonder many of these were flawed from the start. Yet despite me not concisely choosing that, there is no doubt that in every relationship I have had the opportunity to evolve, just not always seen it or chose to take that opportunity to the full extent it provided. So if every relationship offers the opportunity to evolve, I love what a difference it would be if I went in to each relationship consciously choosing to evolve.
It is certainly a pity that we go through life guarded guaranteeing a version of what is real that is a fraction of what is possible.
I am also deeply inspired by Natalie and Serge Benhayon
“Inspired by Natalie Benhayon and Serge Benhayon – and the deep care, truth, love, integrity and commitment they live”.
Your closing comment is a beautifully true testimony to these two divine inspiring people.
The awareness of us choosing from need rather than from love and evolution is a confirmation that we do have the awareness to choose love and evolution, and that is absolutely to be celebrated and appreciated, as what a confirmation that it only takes the responsibility of another choice to live what we know to be true.
Even if we don’t make this choice you describe Gyl, one way or another life and relationships will bring us back to the truth. Relationships always bring evolution, it is just a matter of how long we wish to delay. So what I hear in what you say, is ‘why don’t we make this inbuilt purpose the very heart of our everyday?’. Here you have inspired me to put evolution at the centre of my relationship with me.
With all the divorces and break ups that take place, could it be that many if not most of us chose relationships from need instead of love? We tell each other ‘I love you’ but are these words true, or are we actually saying I love you, but I need this and expect that from you?
True Mariette, we can confuse true love with need depending on our expectations. A simple expression of love is just that – simple! No need for something to come of it.
…and what I absolutely love doing is telling people what I love about them. A mannerism, or a cheeky expression, or a gesture, the way they dress, or the way they treat people. It is an observation and appreciation of them that has no attachment or expectation of anything.
The more I ponder on your blog Gyl, the more I realise how many relationships I have based on need and how many are evolving. Very Exposing and calls for true honesty.
To hold back our love as a ransom so to speak hurts us as much as it does the other person. Here’s to no more holding back and being open to relationships to evolve.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.”- This sentence is huge Gyl. I can relate to what you have shared here, and such a huge support for humanity as much of the world is based on need. Thank you.
So true Gyl and only right that the last comment I should read is written by my life long partner. I spent so much time not allowing myself to evolve with her and it’s only recently that I’ve really begun to let myself open up, share and listen – and allow true love – and wow what a different place that is. Gorgeous
Holding back Love does hurt Gyl – it hurts us no end to know that we are living less than the amazingness we are, to not express the divinity that we cant deny and to feel the impact on others of our loveless choices and ways and our un-lived potential withdrawing to a dusty drawer in knowing we are well equipped with no less than Heaven to inspire Humanity to return to a known, Loving way and the brotherhood calling us.
Choosing all our relationships to evolve feels amazing , loving and supportive to not only ourselves but to the whole world and really highlights the purpose and importance of our lives. Thank you Gyl this is beautiful to read.
Tricia I realise recently I was considering one particular relationship because it potentially be very comfortable and easy. Once I clocked this it was over before it began and I had to ask myself why would I limit the potential of evolution by that cosy picture I was fed.
‘With this understanding I am learning about evolving relationships on a whole new level – and with that I mean all relationships – not only with partners but also with myself, my family, friends, work colleagues and strangers too.’ I am coming to this too Gyllian, the moment I hold back my love I am stepping out of being equal to everyone else, a game I have played for lifetimes. The evolving part is always us being equal and equally responsible for the next step in every relationship we have and that is the beautiful part, every relationship I have not one excepted, benefits when I express who I am because of the connection that is just there between us all.
Much of the world does not want to evolve and therefore will not choose evolution. There are comforts of this world that inhibit any movement in the direction of evolution that shackle us to an existence that identifies and provides recognition.
Beautiful writing Matthew, and so true the comforts of life are so restricting of that what we in truth all are.
…and ultimately creates a great deal of misery. If we are not growing we remain static and stuck and then wonder why we don’t feel fulfilled in our lives. Anyone with a lack of purpose to life need only choose evolution and they then have a purpose. Purpose brings a fulfillment and joy to life that simply is not possible if we settle for comfort.
I liked this line “I didn’t let them see me in full all the time because I was scared of getting hurt”. Once bitten twice shy or should it read once hurt twice hold back. I find it interesting that my life has revolved around my rejection instead of the love that I am. I agree with you Gyl because I have been ‘so hurt’ for just being me, and it feels like it is more than once, I hold back; and worse still create issues just to fit into society’s mould of everyone else choosing to protect their rejection and not being love.
It is so true Gillian that “in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve” as relationships do invite us to live the love that we are to the best of our abilities and to even deepen this love and to go to where we are reluctant to go as from our fear of getting hurt in one way or another. For me it is to not shy away for the intimacy that relationships offer me but to be fully open for being vulnerable in that, letting go of the guards and letting in the love that is there waiting for me to be lived.
Liked the article Gyl and making all our relationships about evolution is totally awesome
Each time I have come back to read this blog, the line that always stands out for me is “The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.’ We over complicate what hurts us with so many things, taking what others choose to do as personal, when really the above is our greatest hurt of all.
I do feel that too Reagan, the hurt of holding back the love that lives within. It is really aching from deep within all of the time and I tend to bury this feeling by creating complications in life that in turn withhold me from simply living this love that so naturally is there in me and in all of us equally so.
Absolutely Raegan – we make it about another rather than take responsibility for how we are living in each and every moment – are we bringing our all for the all or are we holding it back and expecting all from the all?
There is no man, woman or person that can fulfil the love we long for, crave and seek in another – in truth this void can only be filled by the love we have for ourselves.
Nor any dog or animal can fill this either – in the sense we look for our animals to adore or love us as a substitute for the love we may crave or that was not expressed in the way we wanted it to be by a person.
So true Gyl. To look outside of ourselves for love is the ultimate trick. We give our power away big time believing that we need somebody else in order to be loved. What we are really doing is looking for someone who has all the qualities that we are refusing to show ourselves. Quite ridiculous when you think about it!
How many times have we longed for someone special who treats us kindly and thinks we are the most wonderful person in the world. How would it be if we were to treat ourselves in this way?
Very true Gyl
Great sharing Gyl especially to remember that “The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” There is a wide spread belief that we need to protect from getting hurt from our partner. So we life in a way guarded and creating issues out of the fact that we don’t really live the love that waits within us.
A beautiful re-turn to developing a deeper relationship with yourself and evolving from this point Gyl. Great sharing, thank you!
Our willingness to evolve, to be the great love that we are directly relates to our willness to evolve with others. I can feel a holding back recently in accepting this fact. I am willing to feel my body, be aware of the aches and respond to the best of my ability but when that care and support comes back to me (and it does in many forms from many in my life now) theres a resistance. In the past I have felt that ‘we’ is much more powerful and natural than ‘just me’. I feel like there is much more to this than I am currently willing to accept. But just because I haven’t doesn’t mean that I can’t choose to accept this love. Thank you for sparking this fire Gyl.
“To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” This is such an important understanding and awareness to have about true love. Love is us holding us no matter what has happened in the past. We can choose to love ourselves absolutely with total acceptance and then share the quality of our appreciation of love with everyone and not hold back.
“To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” Realising that I am in fact rejecting love every time I distract myself from my present task or even in between activities and every time I reach for and eat food when I am not truly hungry. So many ways to turn my back on love when I can just say no and allow myself to be more in love and allow myself to feel how lovely that really is.
To have the knowing and the power within oneself that…….. I or we hold the key to expand and evolve in every relationship is something I have come to appreciate .
very well expressed Gyl, I doubt many people on this planet have chosen a relationship to evolve but rather the other reasons you list. To even know that there is another way to live and love is something and it is a great inspiration and learning to move towards that in our lives for ourselves and everyone we are in relationship with.
Wow Gyl what a great blog. I love the following sentences: “I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.” That is really something to swallow as it destroys all dramas and phantasies around being not loved.
So true Esther, and with it comes back to self responsibility. When I realised that not being loved had nothing to do with me I could understand the big picture, and when all that drama is removed then one has to look at oneself.
I love your comment Shirley-Ann and can relate to what you have written. Even in the full knowing that a relationship has constellated with the purpose of evolution we hold back and can work hard to create doubt in our minds to try to undermine the love that is asking us to go deeper.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts” this is so very true. I can relate to so much of what you shared Gyl, until more recently, understanding more about energy and how holding back love and who we are, is really what hurts us deeply. I am committed to building an amazing evolving relationship with ‘me’, if a someone comes along that has those some values, then wonderful, but feeling the evolving relationship I have with myself just now feels pretty amazing too!!
Great point Raegan – I’d say we cannot have an evolving relationship with anyone if we’re not open to have an evolving relationship with ourselves first.
True Eva, we have to choose to be the first to truly love and have an evolving relationship with and from there every relationship we have will reflect this evolving nature of loving ourselves.
We are hurt by so many things in life, that for most of us we cannot even relate to the fact that it is the holding back of our love that hurts us more than anything.
If I chose to evolve within myself I can not but help offering evolution to another.
Beautiful Kim. It all starts with us. And yes there will be moments that we will wobble but the intention to evolve is such a powerful feeling. The world within unfolds in every moment and all we need to do is keep saying yes! 🙂
If Evolution is in fact a backwards movement towards the love that we already are, and this is a process that has very definite mechanisms to it such as When We Learn About Who We Are, We Evolve, then, for a relationship to be perfect leaves no room for evolution, because there would need to be room for everyone to make mistakes and to learn from them. These of course can be greeted with firmness, but also with a deep understanding that ultimately this is an opportunity for more of you to come out again.
Love that Shami, that ‘we are evolving backwards to the love we already are’ so much more to come out!
When true love is what we all want it is absurd that we reject love and then blame it on the other person rejecting us. I realise that I do this all the time with people and when I am doing so I’m rejecting the relationship I have with myself. Understanding this completely changes everything because it exposes what a waste of time it is investing in how another responds to us and is a great reminded to come back to building a loving connection with ourselves first.
Reading this again I can see how much of a responsibility I have to evolve my relationship with myself always, as it then affects and reflects in all my relationships.
I have just reread this also Aimee , with the awareness I can bring a deeper more intimate relationship with myself thus deepening my connection to all. It’s the on going everyday relationships that can be taken for granted and I feel to pay particular attention to the interactions and be loving and truthful with no holding back.
……furthermore the closest relationships are the greatest reflection and can be our greatest points of evolution .
Absolutely Merrilee, if we can detach and not take things personally the people closest to us can reflect so clearly what is there for us to heal and evolve from or to.
Yes a great point you share here Aimee, that we need to constantly check in with ourselves and take responsibility in this way.
‘ To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’ This is one POWERFUL statement. This really brings home the FACT that the relationship we have with others is all based on how willing we are to being loving with ourselves. How beautiful is that?!
This is something I continue to work on in all of my relationships, I have been hurt and I am letting go of those hurts and beginning to live the fact that they are tiny in relationship to the capacity I have to feel, live and appreciate love , “I thought it was safer and easier to let my partner in so far, then shut them out. I didn’t let them see me in full all the time because I was scared of getting hurt. ” I am learning that there are layers and I am learning to allow people in and also express the love I feel inside. It is interesting to look at how much we ‘think’ we let people in, I thought I did but then I had this feeling of loneliness lingering, I began to become aware that the loneliness was my holding back from being close to people and not willing to let the love out or in that was shared and around me…lots to keep on pondering and appreciating here..
Indeed Samantha – to truly open up and let people see who we are behind the protection and facade is life changing and deeply healing.
The image that comes to me is like an old fashion scale with two plates. One is for you and the other for the relationship. At the beginning both are very similar, because no side carries too much weight. No appreciation here or there. Then things start shifting because things start happening inside you and you discover that there is much more than you thought. So, that plate moves up. This is what initiates everything.
An evolving relationship…an interesting consideration….”By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too.” I spent along time being in relationships that did not lead me to evolve, but rather embed habits and issues I had. My now husband and I meet around 13 years ago, it felt very different and we both felt a greater purpose in our being together. We have been evolving together in our relationship and it has at times been deeply challenging but we are learning to evolve with love and respect and it is blossoming. We have allowed space for each other to evolve and change within our relationship, we don’t know where this will lead, but that isn’t the point. We both felt our true essence, who we really are, when we meet and this is what we are beginning to live more and more fully.
It is far too easy also when we are in relationships for them to become far too comfortable and stagnant without any true evolution taking place. Thats the great thing about reading blogs as they always make you look at yourself a little closer to see where things can be shaken up a little.
Totally Kevin, could the lack of purpose in relationships to evolve be part of the increase in divorce rates and affairs? People get bored with the comfortable and stagnation but instead of choosing to then deepen and evolve together move onto the next relationship. I choose to shaken things up and I agree these blogs are a great place to start.
This is so true Aimee, I have known this to be true for me in the past, it has seemed easier to move on than choose to evolve in relationships only to find sooner or later the same or similar issues arise. What I have found is that commitment and comfort are poles apart when it comes to true relationships
The same goes with careers, workplaces or where we live Jane. If there is comfort in any of these choices to stay or move on, the same issues come around again to give us an opportunity to grow and evolve from.
Not only are we able to choose this, but the more I do I get the sense that relationships are all about evolution. That’s what we and they are specifically here for. From the relationship we have with ourselves, to our partner or the greenskeeper – everything is reflecting us what we are here to learn and grow and nurture. Relationships and us is a match made in heaven. Thank you Gyllian.
Gyl I love this blog and the sharing of evolving relationships as their purpose what a great way to see life and understanding that “The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” Wow what a great way when we get this and truly let our love out.
Just while reading this again I felt that even when we choose relationships to evolve it doesn’t mean that there is no pockets of comfort or need in them. I put a lot of pressure on myself in relationships to evolve but have bastardised it with a need for perfection instead of knowing that evolving will present steps in which to walk to clear the old stuff that doesn’t serve.
Exactly Rachael that is so well put, we think that by evolving we have to ‘do’ something to evolve or change. But if we are in a true relationship it is about surrendering, because we are love anyway and are learning to let go of all of that which is not love.
Exactly Harrison! Surrender is such a gorgeous word and one to activate as best we can. As you say, it’s all in us already and all we are really doing is getting all the other ‘stuff’ out of the way so we can live what is there without fear. Evolution is not going somewhere, it’s returning and expressing from what is already within.
Harrison and Rachel thank you so much for reminding me evolution is all about surrendering to ourselves – nothing to achieve because we already are. There have been times I’ve been really driven and tried to evolve – or should I say achieve. But I have been driving in completely the wrong direction – further away from love and getting frustrated along the way. Surrendering. Putting in place what is there already. How very different to how I’ve lived trying to make things happen.
I’ve also looked at evolving in relationships from knowledge Rachel. The pressure puts more stumbling blocks in the way and feels like I’ve got it in reverse instead. It’s letting go of pictures of how that should look and going with what is actually there to heal which can be different for everybody.
Absolutely Aimee – The imagery of what we want the relationship to be like or what we think evolution looks like can cause much distraction from the whole purpose of being in a relationship – it IS like going in reverse. The want for perfection is like a decoy to not embrace the learning on offer and feel the potential Love within – it also feels like investing in the imagery robs ourselves of appreciation as nothing will ever meet the standard of what the image wants.
This is very wise Rachel. We so often want perfection without acknowledging that evolving means learning from our mistakes.
Beautifully said Rebecca. I’ve had quite an uncomfortable day feeling the impact of a few mistakes I’ve made. Asking myself how did I come to make such mistakes when they’re not me at all and realising the relationship I have with myself and how I treat my body impacts others too. A great mistake to choose to evolve from.
Rachael its great what you share here in that evolving is not about having the picture of perfection we think, rather a step by step way of being with everyone in all our relationships. What I also get is that its first about how we are in ourselves and then how we are in relationship with everyone else.
Thank you Gyllian, reading your blog for my second time, I understand now that I have a commitment to myself and deepening my relationship with myself before being able to express the love equally in relationship with others. This is real and feels very supportive. As this brings up that you can not forget yourself and so everything will be covered. I am looking forward depening my relationship with myself and all the love I am and I am curious how my relationships around me develop.
With love, Danna
It’s true that we need to develop our relationship with ourself in order to truly relate to others with love. However I feel it is possible to fall into expecting a level of perfection from oneself before stepping into a relationship. We learn so much through relating to others. As you say Danna, we can be curious about how the relationships around us develop and remain open to what feels true.
There is only one true relationship we have and that is with the all – anything less is not a true relationship. We can say we are in relationship with this person or that, or focus on one relationship /s more than another – but this is fragmenting and separating the whole. The truth is we can only be in true relationship when we are equally love with all.
If this was shared and fostered with our children as they grow up for just one generation, the entire world would change.
It’s very true David, the word love is often met with instant reaction by some, as even at a very young age, some have chosen to buy into the ideals and beliefs about emotional love, and think love is only for a select few, like boyfriends and girlfriends. So as you say, imagine we were all allowed freely to express the love we naturally are and feel equally for everyone, the world would be a very different place, I feel of less hardness and protection, and so much more joy and brotherhood, real comradery.
Gyl, you’ve expressed this so clearly. It connects to your line in the main article, ‘truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first,’ in that when we do not want to be responsible for being love first we ask others to do it for us and focus in on a few to fulfill what only we can bring.
Choosing a relationship to evolve feels truly responsible to me. I am finding as I treat all relationships with the potential to evolve I am deepening my relationship and love for me as well as others. Rather than choosing a relationship based on my hurts and needs as I would have in the past I feel I am now asking my relationships to continually go deeper and explore the next level of love, understanding and connection.
When we see relationships as opportunities to evolve, we see that they perfectly trigger our hurts so that we can feel and see them more clearly and then have a choice to let them go. It is a very beautiful experience to be in a relationship where there is a foundation of trust to be able to navigate these deep hurts as they arise, to hold our self and the other tenderly so that healing is possible.
this is lovely Emma, ‘It is a very beautiful experience to be in a relationship where there is a foundation of trust to be able to navigate these deep hurts as they arise, to hold our self and the other tenderly so that healing is possible.’ I can feel how important this trust with each other is, knowing that we will not be judged or put down for what we say, I can also feel the equal importance of being tender with each other, this allows each other to really open, honest and feel safe to talk about issues that we have deeply hidden.
I wholeheartedly agree with your comments Gyl. Shifting from being in a relationship based on need and fulfilling mutual arrangements, to one where we choose to evolve together has been quite a ride and in that, seeing the ways in which I have rejected my own love,
‘the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’
When I engage in this, my partner cannot access me, I am in protection and he doesn’t get the woman he loves. This can bring up a feeling of rejection in him, which can lead to a closing down in the form reaction and or protection which then triggers me to feel rejected, all of which comes back to not deeply accepting myself and all of my immense love. It is amazing to see this and to begin to choose otherwise, to claim the enormous responsibility I have as a woman to be who I am and bring that to my relationships.
Gyl you make a great point that it is love we reject not the person. That is an amazing gift to feel and be honest with in our bodies, that we are able to offer another a reflection of true love, and that it is their choice to embrace that or not, and if they do not, then it does not mean we need to get hurt and emotional and defeated, but rather see it as a choice they have made towards the opportunity for true love, that has nothing to do with us. if relationships were looked at in this way we would have a very different world.
It is quite something to stand by one’s own loving impulse even when someone close is saying no to it. Allowing them to work through their own choices and yet know there can be more, can be painful at times. Yet even if it comes to walking away, knowing everything possible has been offered, without investment but because it is who you are and there is no holding back, offers evolution even if not together.
Great point Simon, it may well be that you choose to not have a person in your life anymore if the relationship is not based on love, but at the same time still holding them in love in your heart. This is evolution itself.
A powerful comment Simon. A reminder that even when we are in a relationship we still need to stand by our own loving impulses even if it means walking away. Being loving does not mean being attached to someone or an outcome. It means being true to love and true to ourselves, whatever that may end up meaning.
Very powerful indeed Simon. I once would have had a huge ouch reading your comment here, but deepening my understanding has supported me to feel the truth here.
Very true Susan – then the hiding is over. True relationship means, that everybody lives himself in full and don’t hold back. Expression is everything, even in the way we move without words, we communicate to other people all the time.
Beautiful reminder Fiona and so true, thank you.
Yes Fiona, I love that, thank-you.
My commitment is to my own evolution because without that then no-one can evolve. It’s not that I don’t want to take the burden of the world on my shoulders, but humanity as a whole cannot evolve alone, so it just makes sense to take responsibility for our own evolution first, and then others will be inspired by our example.
When we come from needs, ideals and beliefs in a relationship we truly forget self and fall for the image. It is so inspiring to hear when we come from the truth of what feels right in our body we start to appreciate all that is presented in relationships with self, others and family. If we appreciate self and come from that loving understanding that we are all equal and each and everyone has been hurt, we come from acceptance of others that allows us to be open and be who we truly are without trying. Thank you Gyl for your lovely sharing and experiences and showing us that true relationship starts with us first and allows everyone to evolve.
I agree Michelle. For me purpose becomes more and more important. I like to see the big picture in something, and when I know, why I do certain things. There must be a bigger purpose behind it otherwise I have the feeling my time is wasted.
Choosing a relationship to evolve does begin with choosing to evolve the relationship we have with our self.
I can relate to your sharing very well Gyl. In my previous relationships it was all about fulfilling the needs of my partner and vice versa. I was very needy and we lived in a very symbiotic way. Looking back I can clearly see, that at that time I didn’t know how to love myself. That felt terrible. Since I started to connect back to my essence inspired by Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I can appreciate myself more and more and the search for recognition and love outside of myself is over.
Well said Alexander – I too have been in these relationships which are overrun by patterns of need with the intent of filling what I was unwilling to give to myself. This always led to disappointment and further disregard, by that I mean doing things that would get me attention from my partner but at the sack of my body, like partying, drugs and alcohol. With the teachings of Universal Medicine I was able to see clearly my part in this and what I was unrealistically searching for that would never be found while looking outside of myself. Now, I have love for me, true love and am willing to share that with others.
Choosing evolution in our relationship has transformed the relationship my husband and I have. It is not always easy but the results are amazing. It is about being fully responsible for what we are bringing to the relationship and in our actions and reactions. It is knowing that we are always committed to deepening the love and that the love is for everyone not just to be held within us and our relationship.
Holding back our love hurts and it also means the other does not see all of us, as we are, in full, so they miss out on something amazing.
I have definitely been in relationships where neither of us wants to make the first move to be love. As a result unsurprisingly then there is no love being expressed. And then I have complained that I am not getting the love I seek and miss! Crazy when I think about it like this. If we want love and to be loved which I bet every human being does, then we have to be love and express it.
This sounds so obvious and simple Andrew, but how true it is that we hold back love waiting for someone else to express it first. Yes, ‘if we want love we have to be love and express it’.
Choosing a relationship with Universal Medicine opened up to me the true meaning of what it is to evolve but I still have the responsibility to not sit in the comfort of where I am at and knowing that there is always more love to explore.
So true Mary I was choosing not to see the lack of evolution in my relationships before choosing to commit to Universal Medicine and now I am being constantly called to go deeper within and this has a positive effect on all my relationships.
On reading your comment Gyl, “With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to evolve”, I became more aware that every relationship is an opportunity to evolve. It is up to us to choose that divine evolution . I also am painfully aware that I still am a willing participant in relationships where evolution is not the purpose.
Great blog thank you Gyl with so many wise and insightful expressions to ponder on.
True Susan and Gillian. Is this not what people often describe as ‘falling in love’, that feeling of meeting the ‘perfect someone’ which is in truth just a elation from that feeling of meeting someone who comforts and protects us and does not ask us to evolve. Meeting someone in true love is a whole different ball game and is far far grander than this could ever compare.
Relationships to evolve….. that is not something we read everyday in our papers and magazines Gyllian, yet it makes complete sense. Usually our relationships are based on an ideal, a need, a convenience, non of which are supportive in building a true foundation. I know there is a point in all my past relationships where we go into the motion of each day without trying to build, enhance or even take stock of where we really are. I know at these times I have often felt it but I have never expressed it, worried that this may cause reaction or expose where the relationship really is.
I think it requires a ongoing commitment to take things deeper in our relationships as it can be easy to slip into an arrangement which we don’t challenge because we don’t want to rock the status of it.
Correct, and the short term for that is that dreaded little word – comfort-! How insidious is this …. so easy to fall into, So awareness and honesty is where it’s at, and a commitment to express.
To ask someone else to bring love to us when we have not committed to being loving ourselves is an act of need I can identify with. In the past I would look for a relationship out of a need for fulfilment, it is something to clock and be very wary of, as I now know that to be in a truly evolutionary relationship takes a commitment to self care, expression and openness that before I wasn’t ready or willing to go to. The vulnerability needed to make a relationship work and be really meaningful requires that raw fragility to be on display and that willingness to keep developing the relationship to be foremost.
I agree Stephen. Could the reason so many relationships break down is that we demand from others the very love we refuse to give ourselves?
Indeed it is, as if that is what we do to each other, then the expectation is for the other to fulfill us – and therefore everyone is sitting in the expectation and the ‘waiting loop’ and no one moves and no evolution takes place.
Well this blog has really made me stop in my tracks and review how I have been holding back my love for myself in my relationships, and actually choosing relationships that were comfortable, not evolving, but actually even allowing me to dull my light and never be challenged to be more of my true self. This is obviously a massive dis-service to not only myself and my partner, but the whole world. The cool thing is that I know (from current experiences) that any relationship can be changed to an evolving one through making a choice to not hold back, calling out what is not truly honouring and loving in the relationship, and deepening the appreciation for who we are through self-loving acts that form a foundation that helps me express that self-love to others, including my partner. It’s never too late.
Beautifully said Michael Goodhart.
I love this Michael: “…deepening the appreciation for who we are through self-loving acts that form a foundation that helps me express that self-love to others…” . So true and it truly is never too late, just a choice away …
I find that communication is key to allowing relationships to grow and evolve. It can feel safe to step back and not speak what’s there, but each time we communicate there is GREAT potential for learning if we allow it and stay open.
Yes, communication is key to allow relationships to grow and evolve..but I am also finding that allowing myself to share my vulnerabilities allows others in on another level.
So true, communication and expression is the key to any evolving relationship with other people.
Your comment – ‘With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to evolve’ has expanded my world offering so much to ponder. Historical Love is glorified in the ‘Happily ever after’ – but your comment has offered another lens through which to ‘Be” in life and relationship. It exposes the expectation that ‘falling’ in love makes the happily ever after – with no work to be done -“…I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” This blog has allowed for some inspiring and expanding discussion asking us to all be energetically responsible in all we bring to relationship with all others.
It is the holding back of love that definitely hurts us most and living and choosing relationships to evolve us in every moment is awesome and feels amazing in our bodies. It opens up opportunities to grow and expand and to live the love we truly are.
Thank you Gyl for bringing this subject up for review. There has been as mountain of great comments and I agree with many, specially that we need to treat every connection as a relationship and lovingly share ourselves on that level. It is also important to be love first to ourselves then others. not expecting that others will bring that Love to us first.
Yes, first we connect to the love within our selves, bringing this to us and then this emanates as we can’t but bring it into our relationships, when we have truly connected to it first.
Great piece of writing Gyl, “By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too.” When we no longer choose relationships through need, but from an openness, and knowing we are amazing ourselves, it gives us an opportunity to be open with another, not needing them to be anything other than themselves and the relationship has space to evolve to another level.
‘I committed to all relationships for evolution’, sounds powerful Jane in that , it has becomes clear to me that all our relationships are there for the sole purpose to heal ourselves – to heal ourselves from the life (and lives) lived in separation from our Soul and everything we have chosen afterwards as a result of that separation. When we heal the relationship with ourselves, all our relationships improve but there is always a magnetic pull to expand and allow more love a never ending journey…..
Lately my theme has been rejection, it has been intense. But what I realised is that I was healing and clearing the love that I rejected, the love that I am and was born with, and someone I know was a powerful reflection of this. And then the shift came and I could accept the situation and then could observe (without emotion) what was going on. I came to this understanding also Gyl:’I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person’.
Yowch Gyl, I could so relate with the line “…I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” in relation to my past relationships also. It’s no small feat to turn that around as we are taught from such a young age to seek approval and recognition from outside of ourselves. I am slowly learning to develop the love I have for myself first and foremost, as then it is so much easier to share this in all my relationships without the attachment to needing something in return.
Waiting for someone else to bring it is as much chance of winning the lotto. We can wait our whole lifetime and never ever get it, but all the while the treasure is the simple act of being responsible with ourselves, that is where the money is.
Truly spoken, it all starts with our selves, first.
Such great realisation Gyl and one that we can all benefit from – ‘Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’
Communication, making the time to speak, connect, be open and share as a family or in a friendship, work or partner relationship is one of the keys to evolution.
So true, in true expression and communication such deep connections can be made which in turn will then allow going deeper and evolution follows on naturally from that.
I was in a store today and was met by a chirpy attendant who greeted me with more than a polite “hello can I help you.” It was a little too over-acted, but I stood tall and gentle in my body, met her in the eyes and began to do my business with her without any reaction to her behaviour, but simply meeting her for who I knew her to be, an equal human being capable of equally loving expression. As the conversation continued, the person began to loose the very chirpy demeanor and actually began to reflect a more natural tone, while becoming aware that this was not how she usually presented to customers. She reflected a little discomfort in being met for who she truly was and I could feel this was because of getting a consistent true reflection from me. While observing this I was able to just remain with myself and once the business completed, we parted and the feeling was that there was a whole other level of relating that went on besides what was said and the business that took place, that was about evolution.
We don’t talk about true evolution in the way Natalie Benhayon, Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health talk about. Do we even know what true evolution is and means? To know this first we can then bring this into not just a relationship with a partner but all our relationships. Because growing up I didn’t know about this then I could not consciously choose it, my relationships were based on need or wanting to be accepted. Now I know I have a choice for true evolution with myself and others. This wisdom needs to be shared and available to all so we have a deeper understanding and can consciously make different choices in our life.
This blog is absolute gold Gyl. Two lines that really stood out for me this time – “never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express” and “the truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts” – combine to bust the myth that other people are responsible for our hurts when in truth it our shutting down that creates them, and that the level of love we can allow in and out is ever expanding.
‘holding back love that actually hurts’, hurts ourselves and then all others. That is why it can be a bitter pill to swallow the realisation that’ we hurt ourselves’, so all our struggles and hardships in life, our relationship problems, illness and disease we have created because we held back the love we are. ouch!
It does hurt that our experience of the world is not love, which brings it back to our responsibility to be all of who we are in every second, which is simply being the love that we are, to be less than this does hurt.
Isn’t it crazy we cause ourselves so much hurt by holding back the most beautiful, simple, natural thing in this world – Love.
and the fact that Love is who we are.
Absolutely Gyl, it makes no sense until you can understand the bigger picture that you describe that we are love in essence and to hold back that requires effort and impacts us.
It’s crazy really jenny when you think about it, or step back and look at the bigger picture – there are so many distractions, activities, complications, stories, excuses, dilemmas, illness, disease, woes, dramas, you name it – all in the attempt to avoid everything we could possible want – and that simply, is love.
The craziness of it all really exposes to me the ridiculous illusion we are held in, that love comes from outside of us. When we choose to connect to the true Love we are, we know it is in everyone equally and there is no need to give or take what is already there, living within.
I love it Jane, thank you for sharing.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” This says it all Gyl; that we cannot deepen our love or relationships with others, without first going deeper with the love we hold for ourselves. It makes absolute sense and makes…and non-sense of the assumption that we will find true love to complete us.
Realising that we do not reject each other, but the love that is expressed, is a massive step. With that we can clearly feel that there is no gain in rivalry or competition, in arguments or fights. If there is something that feels challenging for us, the first step should be to ‘look into the mirror’ to see why we get triggered and work on our part in the game instead of trying to blame someone else.
Absolutely, ‘that we cannot deepen our love or relationships with others, without first going deeper with the love we hold for ourselves.’ This really would be helpful for everyone to have this understanding from day one, likewise if we wish to bring more intimacy in relationship with others, that has to start with self.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” So very true Gyllian, we can often put our life on hold looking for the ‘one’ for someone to give us everything we are lacking but from this energy we are only going to cause ourselves and others more harm. Going into a relationship with need (whether it is hidden or obvious) does not allow for true evolution. Every person we meet daily whether it is an ongoing relationship or just for a fleeting moment has the potential for us to evolve if we just hold the love we are and see the other person in that love too. Love has the power to move mountains and all we have to do is remember that love is inside of us too.
Love has the power to move mountains, yes it does, and is a beautiful reminder for me today Samantha!
Beautifully expressed Samantha – every day every moment, we have a choice to evolve with every person we meet. The holding back is over, it is time to shine, to show our light to the world.
What you introduce here, Gyl, about your past relationships being based on a need for love from the outside rather than giving this to your self and taking this fullness into a relationship is very common. I have observed people who are dedicated to developing that strong relationship with themselves and still have elements of their relationships where they are looking for something from the other person. Learning to live in and from the fullness of your own love and who you truly are is an ever evolving process. There will always be deeper levels you can go to which opens up the potential for greater truth within your relationships.
A beautiful insight and sharing Gyl Thank you .The joy of feeling ourselves within evolving relationships is very inspiring and with a responsibility and purpose to ourselves and life that really changes everything lovingly.
Life is about relationships and re-connecting back to the unity we all are. We have to build relationships in human form to live the grandness we are as parts of the all and only when we live equality in all our relationships we can restore brotherhood on earth.
Wise, beautiful words Rachel Andras: ‘ We have to build relationships in human form to live the grandness we are as parts of the all and only when we live equality in all our relationships we can restore brotherhood on earth’.
Oh Yes! How gorgeous and empowering Rachel. We all have a part to play in the whole, equally so, and all have the ability to bring brotherhood back to earth. No one is worthless or purpose-less, we all hold great potential here and our relationships are the grounds on which we learn, grow and cultivate this.
Choosing a relationship to evolve with someone is one of the best feelings in the world, it’s amazing to live and learn and grow with someone, as opposed to what I have do often created in the past, which is a stagnant situation, where two people in a relationship almost squish and stop each other from growing and stepping up.
And it is inspiring to watch such a relationship evolving – I can relate to the type of relationship where the two people end up almost destroying each other – it is so lovely to see that there is another way.
Holding back love hurts.. I can relate to this Gyllian l and how it contorts and disfigures the body. I used to have permanent back ache and put it down to the work I was doing but now I know that holding back my love from everyone and putting up a shield so that I didn’t have to let people in was the real cause of the pain.
Alison what you have shard here is huge – holding back love affects our body, causing illness and disease – deep down we all know this, but the question is are we willing to accept and live the level of responsibility this calls for? It would change the whole world and everything in it if we did.
If you think about it there would be no domestic violence, war, corruption, greed, bankruptcy, abuse; the strain and crisis that currently affects the medical system would no longer be there, schools would be a different place, so would walking down the street.
“Never putting a lid on the love we can and are able to express.” With this I feel like you have called me to evolve Gyl. So often in relationships we get to a comfortable point and coast along there never really bothering to explore where we can go and how amazing we can be. We probably improve on other relationships we have seen and are happy with that. But what if each moment we could be evolving in our relationships? What if life could be an awesome adventure of incredible relationships? I will be so worth finding this out.
I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.
On re-reading your blog Gyllian, these words really stand out for me at the moment, as I am unfolding how I am using external things to distract me from holding myself in the love that I am and making those things more important than me being me and bringing that amazing loving quality with me in what I do. It is really exposing to me that my responsibility lies in seeing every moment as equal and in need of equal love and not let my spirit judge a moment as one where I don’t get a payback and so hold love back. My responsibility is to get out of my own way and be the love that I am regardless, that’s what love would do.
Although the relationship between my wife and I had been one of the desire to evolve before meeting Serge Benhayon it could never truly do so. This was because at any occurrence of true intimacy we sabotaged it (by arguments etc.) due to our backgrounds of deep hurt. Through the loving support of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine Practitioners and the Ageless Wisdom we have been able to work on healing our hurts and keep deepening our intimacy.
I think it is very common for people to come into a relationship with the best intentions. Often however though there is not the honesty required to ascertain wether we are just coasting or truly evolving in the relationship. Dealing with underlying hurts definitely supports us to evolve and not stay stuck in old patterns. There is so much to be said for awareness and honesty.
Hear hear Jenny, awareness and honesty – key points for any relationship, be it with ourselves, partners or people in general.
How amazing is that Jonathan. That you now have an understanding of how to deepen your intimacy and evolve within your existing relationship.
The notion of evolutionary relationships is something that I have always known deep within but many times have settled for way less than this, even settling for less than love. Accepting less has been because of my need of a relationship whether that is a friendship or partnership because of the lack of self-love I have had. Having worked on developing a self-loving relationship with myself and making my own relationship with self about evolution, than that naturally has extended to my relationships with others also being about evolution.
Same here Donna, I have known and lived true relationships before, and so I was prepared to do anything to have this back which created my ‘investment’. Being invested reduces space in relationships but also prevents any relationship evolving such as been my experience…..Making the decision to stop investing cut those thick cords I had created with family members, along with no more pandering in relationships has been transformational in the space it has created for myself to expand.
“it is love we reject, not the person.” What a great deal we can learn from this Gyl. It means we do not have to take anything personally. Love is taking the time to feel how we are feeling and then express this. It is a loving act to do so. So if this is then rejected it is the love that is being rejected, not us. And if it is us who are doing the rejecting, we need to take a good long look at why we are saying no to love.
I have found that bringing commitment to being in a relationship which does support us to evolve means a relationship that itself must also evolve. As we expand and open as we choose to face more and more of the hurt we carry so our ways of relating with others will change, be more loving and with far greater acceptance and understanding.
Beautifully said Michael – Commitment is certainly key here when those old hurts come up to greet us. In choosing a relationship to evolve it doesn’t mean it’s a smooth ride together, there are challenges and perhaps even walls of protection to bust down that can get messy to clean up! But as I am learning, this is the true beauty of relationships where building trust and openness allows for more Love to be shared than one could ever imagine.
‘I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.’ This is a beautiful humdinger of a line, bringing purpose and responsibility to our every interaction with anyone. Thank you, Gyllian.
Reading the title ‘Choosing a relationship to evolve’ made me then consider how about switching the focus around so that it then becomes ‘Evolution, the relationship that I have with every-thing’.
This is a great awareness raiser to start the day Alexis, thank you. Bringing intention and purpose to every meeting with someone is to support our evolution not just function.
‘Evolution, the relationship that I have with every-thing’. I love this Alexis, evolution the purpose of our life.
Love this too Annelies and Alexis….
Love that Alexis, very well expressed, and something I can take with me too.
Thank you Gyl for an inspiring blog, “To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” This is so true, and I can feel how I can hold myself back from opening up more to my own love first and then to evolving in my relationship.
Such a great blog Gyl, thank you. It is so true that the love we seek can only come from ourselves, and I have certainly chosen relationships in the past from a need to fill a hole which I chose not be responsible for myself. I feel the reason I have continued with this pattern is that I have not wanted to stop and feel all the hurt of cold hard denial of myself and the love that I am for so long. OUCH!! The beauty is that my love is available 24/7 if I choose it.
I love the honesty and clarity with which you express, Gyl and your many insights ring true for me, such as “I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first.” ‘Holding back love’ does hurt, and how crazy that we deny ourselves love and then look for it from someone else! What an imposition our need is, especially if we think we can just be loved by that one other person. This sets us up for a stifling relationship which is exclusive of others and there is no chance of it expanding and changing for we hold each other to the comfort of the familiar. On the other hand, if we can develop a loving relationship with ourselves as a first base then we find that “in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve”.
That is true to me too Sandra, that “in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve” in. It is up to us every time we meet someone where we either choose for love, that will ask us to evolve, or to not choose for love and meet the other only for your own individual intrest.
Back to choice – and that means really to look at what do do align to within ourselves which dictates the choices we then make ….
So true Gyllian, by living in a way that is contrary to who we are, takes a huge disconnect from what would otherwise be – Love. That most definitely has be the number one sadness we see in the world today. I for one am only just now beginning to see in full the extent to which I have consistently been holding back love for myself.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring to me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” I love how you lovingly bring us back to responsibility for self in this blog Gyllian.
The biggest realisation for me is that I cannot love another I can only be love – and they can choose to join me in that love or not.
Same for me Gyl, when I got that one, wow it just made so much sense and felt so absolute in my body. It’s great to have that knowing so if a need slips in around another, I am reminded of that truth.
Yes and that is a learning, certainly in the beginning, when expectations may be still running that we expect to be met with the same love that we live, and when finding out that this is not a ‘given’, to not go into withdrawing but stay true and strong in the expression of the love that we are.
People alway have a choice and some may not be ready or willing to be in a loving and evolving relationship with you or themselves, and it is at this point, that it is our responsibility to allow them to just be. We can still hold them in love, but it may be that we don’t spend time with them.
I wonder how many of us truly want a relationship that evolves us, a relationship that continuously prompts us to remember our own divinity, that prompts us to express more, open up more, be more delicate, show more of ourselves to the world. Now that is a confronting thing indeed.
Adam you make a great point here, as we can feed an ideal of what we think an ‘evolving’ relationship should be or look like, but how many of us are really willing to go there?
And if the answer is no, to truly wanting a relationship that evolves us – then the question is why not? What is it about us that likes comfort?
That word again ‘ comfort’ – it shows itself in the most insidious ways, very tricky and can be hidden in the most unexpected corners….
“I wonder how many of us truly want a relationship that evolves us, a relationship that continuously prompts us to remember our own divinity, that prompts us to express more, open up more, be more delicate, show more of ourselves to the world. Now that is a confronting thing indeed.” – Confronting it may be at times – but that is nothing compared to the absolute Glory and being in service together.
Confronting it is indeed, but at the same time the most magnificent gift we can make: living all of us and showing this to the world.
And no matter how the world responds, to maintain true to our selves and stay in the love of who we are.
Great question Adam. I sense that many people suffer from stagnation in the relationships and long for an evolutionary one yet are too set in their ways or fearful to make the necessary changes within themselves and lives to develop it. They abide by he false idea that ‘this is as good as it gets’ .. which could not be further from the truth as Gyl’s blog depicts.
‘And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.’ Love this line (and this whole blog) Gyl but also find it hugely exposing of where I am currently and how conscious I am of the fact that I still measure the amount of love that I let out with different people particularly those closest to me.
Gyl, I did not choose my current relationships to evolve as I was not consciously aware of the idea however I am now choosing to evolve in all of my relationships which is bringing evolution to the people that I am in relationship with and therefore evolution to the relationships. It is very uncomfortable at times but the sense of movement is very freeing and there is a freshness that is replacing stagnation.
Agree Gyl – relationships tend to take on the aspect of – looking to, or attracting another to make up for what we don’t have in ourselves, to complete us, or make whole the relationship. But when there is such need, or as you say ransom, to feel or make the relationship complete, there is the greatest tension. Self-completion is the way for all relationships to thrive in love, whether single or with a partner/family.
To have the awareness around our needs will help to recognise that when there is tension in a relationship, to look at what are the perceived needs and expectations. The moment we identify them and let them go, tension can ease and we can reconnect and return to the loveliness that we truly are
Thank you Gill for this beautiful and honest blog; yes it is certainly knowing and truly feeling that we are love first. How often do we let past patterns and hurts get in the way of evolving. As you said Gill it is up to us to be all the love that we are thus evolving others and ourselves.
I love the way you’ve expressed this Gyllian, I can see that I can also make my relationship with me, all about evolution. From this approach it feels like my other relationships will naturally evolve and grow too.
Great point Joseph. The relationship that we have with ourselves can be either about staying in comfort or about evolution. It is up to us in every moment which one we are choosing. And you are right – if we make our relationship with self all about evolution then this will naturally occur in all our other relationships too. How can it not?
I find that too Joseph, first with self is the way to go, and then it will be so much easier when we are in connection with others.
Love your points here Lieke, to hold others as the amazing person they are and this becoming the marker in the relationship for not accepting anything less. When we mutually have this it is a natural way to support each other to evolve.
Beautiful Marika, we can only reject ourselves. And let’s be honest, don’t we reject ourselves far too often, during the day, with our negative thoughts, our critical internal voice which all comes from our lack of self-worth? The more we deepen our sense of worth and the more we appreciate ourselves, there is nothing to reject. As it is all there, in full glory.
It is love we reject, not the person. The beauty of this is that then relationships are not so much about us, but far more about love, and being this with ourselves, with each other and the rest of the world.
Being around people who are so open and willing to be vulnerable inspires and supports me to do the same and not hide behind my hurts.
Yes and this opens up so much more connectedness with each other, when we are able to just be who we are in any given moment.
Reading this blog again I am appreciating more what’s being shared and it is huge to consider that we could form relationships to evolve and that actually it is the only way for relationships to be true. This means in every moment we have to be in relationship with ourself otherwise there is the opportunity for our needs to creep into the picture as we are not meeting our own needs. Wow – if we lived like this during our daily life – relationship issues could decrease dramatically. Awesomw sharing Gyllian – Thank you
Sounds totally awesome – people fully committed to responsibility and evolution – what a difference that will make in all relationships, be it friendships or family or intimate relationships.
Hi Gyl, knowing you I couldn’t imagine you not speaking up about something that is not true! A testament to how much you have embraced an evolving way of being in your life, single or not. When we reject love, we reject ourselves, we reject God, from that point forward it’s all downhill, until of course we chose to embrace that which we cannot deny or truly escape from.
“I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” Reflecting back at past relationships, I was definitely caught in this, looking for someone else to bring me love, what the sad thing was, when they where sharing their love, it became to much for me and I would walk away. Now I understand they where reflecting love to me and I was unable to connect to the love within me so I would walk away
The more I open up to others, the more joy I feel at the potential to evolve in each conversation with family, friends or strangers. Making life about love, of self and everyone equally, is a great way to live.
Yes Gyllian, I can say exactly the same – “In the past I wouldn’t always speak up when I knew things weren’t right in a relationship due to a lack of self worth, but also because of the potential of being on my own, the fear of being rejected and not being loved.” No more though, with all the awesome presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine long gone are these days now, deepening now the love I am within, expressing this out more and more, and this in turn just is a beautiful feeling as I can share and express with others without this fear in the background.
And this is why I love reading articles on these amazing sites inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, so that we can expose in our societies untruths and corruption. And one of the biggest forms of untruth and corruption we are subjected to from birth is that love is brought to us from another – our hurts are healed by another. Nothing could be further from the truth of the fairy tale emotional love we are exposed to from such a young age and the same message repeated over and over in media, books, tv, movies. It caps all our relationships, sets us up for inevitable lack of trust in all our relationships as we are let down time and time again in our pursuit to have love delivered by another to our door step. We need to keep exposing this and sharing with as many as we can that the true love we crave and search for is derived from the relationship first with ourselves – thereafter our relationship with others is simply to expand and evolve this love, as you have so brilliantly expressed Gyl. Thank you.
Awesome blog thank you Gyl. It confirms the absolute responsibility we all hold to heal our issues and hurts so we can move from the insecurities of rejection. I love the expansion reading this blog enables me to feel and understand how relationships are about evolving us and deepening our relationship with living with true love. It supports me to feel the guarded protection and walls I’ve built around me, all futile and a wasted opportunity. Bring on the love.
I find this line: ‘never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express’, really inspiring. It says to me confirm all that you are as individuals, as more than the sum of two in relationship and then ‘what next?’; that each confirmation between two people is the building block for the next level of commitment to Love and life.
I love your words – the building block for the next level of commitment to love and life. In the past I was so often not committed, not to myself and not to life. And since I connect to my feeling of responsibility, my life starts to change. Responsibility and commitment are so important to live a joyful life.
Yes and this is not only true for partner-relationships but for all relationships we have with people, including the one with our self.
‘I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.’ I keep reading this over and over because it is deeply profound and healing Gyl. To understand the love we can hold with someone else can only be a reflection of the love we are holding for ourselves is deeply liberating yet deeply challenging. I can feel how the situation of humanity in relationships with each other, holding the other person responsible for bringing love to them to fill the emptiness of the love not felt for self, and how deeply irresponsible this is.
“With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to evolve.”
Actually:
“With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to *consciously* evolve.”
We can’t help ourselves, we learn something in every relationship, but you are exactly right, the benefit of choosing the latter is immense, progress can be much faster and in my experience it is enormously more fun.
What I like about the word consciously, is the factor responsibility. Nothing just happens, there is no coincidence, everything we do should have the right purpose.
Exactly, to consciously choose makes an enormous difference as then we can claim responsibility for our choices and have the awareness around exactly what we have chosen and what effect those choices have on us and others.
What a gift that every relationship or even interaction is an opportunity to evolve.
So true Rosanna, Every time we leave our front door there are literally thousands of opportunities for us to evolve. When we are open to love we tend to magnify to others who are also open and thats when the magic happens – the smile from the stranger, the connection with the lady on the check out till, the conversation with the bus driver. When we are open to evolving the depth of interaction with people becomes a whole new level.
‘I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person’ – Powerful statement, Gyllian! I love what you have written and agree that there is so much more going on underneath rejection, and we can never truly reject another person, simply the love or quality that they are offering us, because we do not want to feel that we are not living this already.
And then the question could be: Why do we not open up to love, whenever it is on offer, rather than reject it because we can feel we have not chosen it before? So many great things to ponder from this article and comments.
It is absolutely true what you share Gyl. Unless we take responsibility for being all the love that we are and bring that to another then we will just get more of the same of what we already know. Not love, not truth and not true connection but at best familiar and comfortable because we don’t have to be 100% responsible.
Thank you Gyl this offers us such a beautiful opportunity to see things differently and embrace and claim everything we feel and know inside.” I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” What a great sharing and so true and expansive to feel and it can change everything in the way we live to one of true love with everyone espcially ourselves .
It is interesting to ask myself the same question. Have I chosen a relationship to evolve? I always felt that I had been doing this and even as a child I knew I wanted to be in a relationship where we ‘grew together’. Now as I reflect on my relationships I can see that I have tended to choose them because of the connection I feel to another, evolution has been somewhat of an added bonus. I can see this in my friendships in particular. I can see that this foundation of evolution is reliant on my personal foundation. Perhaps I should be asking “Am I in an evolutionary relationship with myself?”.
Those are excellent questions to be asking of yourself Leonne. Such a philosophical life I am sure will be of great benefit to yourself and to others.
Holding back the love we are as some kind of ransom really is exhausting, and does no one any true service.
Exactly Amelia, holding back love is identification with ‘poor me’, the victim mentality, and serves nobody.
Yes Gyl, because I am learning that we always have the choice to express all our love instead of holding it back. It does not serve myself or others.
So true and in effect it is harming us and those we come into contact with, by keeping in the body what wants to be expressed and lived.
I loved reading this blog again. For some time I have been wondering what being in a relationship to evolve actually means and reading this blog helped me with understanding more what it is about. I realised it is in the smallest things, to not accept things that are not loving in myself or the other, to talk about it, see why we are doing certain things that are not loving and always seeing the other person as amazing first and foremost and therefor not accepting anything less. All this as a learning proces and not a loveless discipline. Beautiful to understand more of this.
This is lovely Lieke, ‘always seeing the other person as amazing first and foremost and therefore not accepting anything less. All this as a learning process and not a loveless discipline’, I can feel how sometimes when things come up in my relationships what I say can come across as hard and judgmental, it is lovely to hold the other person as amazing first and foremost and that we are not accepting anything less from them, rather than them feeling like they are being criticised, thank you.
I agree Lieke, and working on these things doesn’t have to come with perfection. So often we think about getting things ‘right’ but in a relationship when we are dedicated to working on things it means we are willing do be closer, develop and say yes to love with another person.
‘All this as a learning process and not a loveless discipline’ – this is super important and refreshing. So often we take on things as more ‘to do’s’ when actually being open to love in relationship is a letting go, opening up and quality of being that offers up so many opportunities to learn and grow – when I consider it like this I cannot make sense of any other way.
Good question Lieke in what does being in a relationship to evolve actually mean? I just read another persons comment within this thread and they highlighted the word consciously. I feel this is the important part that we are both consciously aware and energetically say yes to truly evolving with another and from there this is how it begins; and in no way is it about being perfect but from what I have seen within people and relationships that do choose to continually evolve together it is incredibly joyfull.
Your words “not accepting anything less” are very powerful. You inspired me to ponder on this topic as well, what does a relationship to evolve really mean ? To live in truth with each other requires that everybody takes responsibility for his/her own hurts, there is nobody to blame anymore. Love is the way and everything that is not love has to be nominated in love.
When we choose to be love first it is so incredibly freeing that I don’t know why we do not choose love first all the time.
Another great teaching; No one can reject us if we have not first rejected ourselves. Such a simple scientific fact yet not one we easily accept as it is far easier to blame another than it is to take responsibility for our own love and choices.
Thank you Gillian this is a beautiful sharing. I especially love your line, “The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” We have such a misconception that our greatest hurt is not being loved when in truth it is the fact that we have not loved. This is evident when a loved one passes away we do not cry for all they did to us we cry for all the missed opportunities for expressing our love.
Beautifully said, Laura B. It’s true that what saddens us the most is feeling the missed opportunities to love, that we have allowed something to get in the way of simply being able to cherish one another, which is what we are here to do so it goes against our true nature not to.
A very good reminder, Gyllian, that relationships are constantly offering us the possibility to learn and move forward and that there is not one relationship that is more valuable than the others. Like different facets of a gemstone, every relationship does reflect some special aspect to us.
I love, Gyllian, how you reveal that it is a lack of responsibility for being love ourselves, that makes us project our needs and ideals onto others. From there, love may be felt in glimpses but the foundation of true love has not been established within ourselves first and so cannot become an evolutionary platform from which to grow with another.
I agree Janet. As you say, we feel the love in glimpses, but because we have not built that foundation for ourselves, those glimpses become the all and everything, when it is actually a mere shadow of what is truly possible. Maybe we don’t need to have a foundation of self-love complete in its entirety before venturing into a relationship, but there does need to be a willingness to evolve together and and the honesty to spur on that evolution.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” So true Gyllian there was a need in all my relationships too which meant I put conditions and expectations on each and every one rather than allowing love to be my guiding impulse.
Even just choosing to evolve is a massive decision to make. For many years I thought that evolution was something that happened in the past, and now we were in this kind of static evolutionised state, where only our technical advances marked how intelligent we are. But when evolution is placed in a sphere of living with love, then I can see how as a person and as a race of people we are not static but constantly learning and so we are constantly either evolving or resisting that evolution, and this perhaps is a greater marker of our intelligence.
“To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” Gyl this one sentence, something that I know well, could change the way we all approach relationships. It turns on its head the problems and issues that come up and firmly places the responsibility of love first with ourselves.
‘I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. ‘
This is crucial for me to deeply understand. In rejecting anyone, I am rejecting love. Thank you for the reminder.
For me this is a very important revelation as well. That when I feel rejected, I actually reject myself in this moment. And in such a moment I try to avoid feeling this in my body. That is huge.
I have been reminded here today about the equality that can be there in all relationships. I have just exposed in myself how I have been holding ‘romantic’ relationships in many ways different to those that I have with the many awesome people around me. This is awesome to expose as it brings back the simplicity that we can be in all our relationships, with complexity merely a distraction.
Me too Amelia. The ideal of that perfect romantic relationship is quite stubborn, or should I say I stubbornly hold onto it. If we are already love, such relationships only try to take you away from the love that we are.
Jinya, I love your honesty here. Yes, true love is very clear and distinct isn’t it, it is all encompassing and holds us in full, going out and returning to us, its delicate and confirming knowing, we are everything.
I am learning a lot about relationships at the moment Gyllian as I’ve made a deeper committment with myself to make each one about love and evolution. What I’ve realised these past few days is that I cannot have great relationships with some people, and not so great ones with others. It doesn’t work like that, and so a spotlight is now on all my relationships for me to see where I haven’t been expressing in full and to change that.
Great sharing Sandra as I am learning that too. I cannot be love with one person, and then the next one not. it does not work like that. Why is one relationship more intimate than the other? Why do I feel more open and safe with one person than with the other? Well, this has nothing to do with those people, it is because I place something in between and make it more about me and wanting to protect myself, instead of making it about love and everybody.
Yes I see this more and more too Mariette. These are great questions ‘Why is one relationship more intimate than the other? Why do I feel more open and safe with one person than with the other? ‘ It has nothing to do with the other person. “it is because I place something in between and make it more about me and wanting to protect myself, instead of making it about love and everybody.”
I realize the same Sandra – it feels more and more impossible to treat people differently. When I’m in love, I love everybody and I don’t react any more to the outer shell of a person, I can see the love in the other person as well.
Sandra I am also aware of the relationships that flow easily and the ones I hold back in, and I am aware these are the very ones that bring up my lack of honesty, expression and thus self love. Until I express within these I am holding back my own evolutionary path. I also realise the relationships I feel free to be all of me are the most honest, fully expressed and at times uncomfortable but always evolutionary.
Love this Gyl- what an awesome insight into what we often do- not choose relationships to evolve. And an awesome insight into choosing a relationship to deepen, learn, grow and evolve with eachother. I love this point you made “if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too. ” it’s a game we play, conditional love. As long as I know I’m not going to get hurt then I’ll let you in. But, not really.. Yet deal with hurts and it all becomes so clear. Living in love feels so much more joyful then fearing being hurt all the time.
‘There were moments I would fully open up and be the love that I am, and then I would return to holding it back, like a ransom: if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too. What an exhausting way to live for us both. The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.’ It is truly exhausting to live that way and that awareness inspires me to start being love all the time regardless whether others are love with me or not. I wish to reflect the love that I innately am everywhere I go and no matter what happens.
Evolving relationships require honesty. We can become complacent with how relationships are, BUT if our focus is evolution there is always a pull towards how we can be more loving and harmonious with ourselves and others. Thus far I have found that communication and honesty are key.
“I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first. There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up.” In the past I would often work on my relationship issues and even go to relationship counseling sessions and then carry out the recommendations of the counselor, but nothing really changed. Since attending the talks of Serge Benhayon, I see that there was a very essential missing ingredient to my past relationships, and that ingredient was the practice of connection to my body, my heart, to God and love that I am, as I build that more and more in my life I feel less and less need in my relationships as I am not trying to extract love from others, this is a work in progress.
I deeply appreciate your honest comment Mary, there is a level of tender care and honoring that I (mostly) am not prepared to give myself and then expect or even demand my partner to give to me, which even if they do give me never satisfies my thirst, because I had in the first instance needed to love and honor myself.
Love how when I read this, I am reminded that ALL relationships have the potential to be evolving ones. A relationship between father and son, friend and friend or intimate, whatever it may be are all relationships and are all impulsed by the principles of evolution = love or no evolution.
Great point Harrison. We can be in a relationship with someone that appears to tick all the boxes but without love it will not flourish.
Yes Annie, I certainly know about being in a relationship that supposedly ticks all of the boxes to the outside world, but was sadly missing the key ingredient, true love, so absolutely no evolution.
That is a great reminder, that all relationships have the potential to be evolving ones, thanks Harrison.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” this is so true Gyl, absolutely every single relationship we have with others offers us the opportunity to evolve and be more of who we are and it is so interesting how some of us go out of our ways to create relationships that won’t asks us to be more so we can stay in the comfort and safety of life resulting in relationships that are more like arrangements, stagnant and void of true love and intimacy. Thank you.
Serge Benhayon and his family are markers of what true relationship is, equally with everybody.
Every relationship I have been in has been a mirror of how I have been living myself.
Oh yes, how well I can relate to that. I always complained that I was not love enough or in the right way and was simply not prepared to see that this was just a mirror showing me that I did not care for myself, let alone love or accept me as I was.
It’s a good point to contemplate Michael, if I am still holding back the fullness of my own love even to a degree. and not fully accepting the love that I am, I am holding back evolution. Any areas of comfort in my life will be highlighting the fact that I am prepared to accept less.
And this is true for all of us. The power of reflection is a wonderful gift.
It is easy to slip into a comfortable or non-evolving way of being in relationship, when we do that both people are agreeing to an unspoken contract, rather than love.
Yes Thomas, all those old ideas that we shouldn’t upset, or hurt another’s feelings by calling an end to the comfortable non evolutionary arrangements are not serving anyone, an unspoken contract to hold back love.
Sadly this is very true Thomas, and I myself have been In such a relationship. It’s now great to have more of an understanding of this choice to then take responsibility for myself within relationships and my part within them.
Wow that’s very powerful Gyllian, as it makes me self reflect on the issues I have with others are in fact the way I treat, or have a relationship with myself, so by changing the relationship with myself to be more gentle, loving caring and supportive, that will then naturally flow into my relationship with others.
“I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first. There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up.” This opens up a whole different way of looking at relationships for me Gyllian, the concept of committing to self love, trusting love for oneself and all that can bring up like self worth issues Etc, what I am seeing is that just as ones issues come up being in an intimate relationship with another, issues also come up when one commits to taking extra care and love for oneself, as we have to feel possibly a lifetime of disregarding oneself.
“I thought it was safer and easier to let my partner in so far, then shut them out. I didn’t let them see me in full all the time because I was scared of getting hurt.” I am very familiar with this way of being in relationships Gyllian, I feel safe to only occasionally fully open and let the other see and feel all the love that I am, then I get scared and close down the love, or even worse just turn it down a little to play it safe, I say worse as its not so obvious and more hidden when I do that, and therefore more difficult to be seen.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” Gosh that sentence stopped me in my tracks Gyllian, as I felt the truth of it and realized that my relationships have been based on wanting the other to bring me love, that I had not been willing to bring to myself, in the past.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.” This is so beautiful, seeing relationships in a different light opens up all the possibilities, letting go of the guard and just being our true self. In this we allow ourselves and others to evolve. How awesome this is.
What I love is that this doesn’t need to mean an intimate relationship, although this is important to, but can extend to my friendships, my family, my work place and the people I meet everyday. If I commit to being love with everyone, and to evolving the relationship with my friend and family and work colleges, learning to not take abuse, learning to express more love, learning to be more open with everyone.
I feel this is something we all can attest to at some time in our lives, so awesome that we now have the opportunity and the learning to connect and love our selves first deeply, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and by doing so expanding that out to others too.
Your last sentence Gyllian – reminded me again: “I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.” My last intimate relationship also started out with need – looking to the other to fulfill what I did not feel and therefor could not give to myself. This relationship lasted a long time, in that the other person did not play that game, but clearly always reflected this back to me. At times it was very hard to be with, and yet over time, the more I connected to me the less the need was there, and the evolution for the both of us was a growing process. In the end I had understood and felt that this relationship, on the intimate level, had run its’ course and for the first time, by ending that part of the relationship, there was a clear expression from both of us how much we appreciate each other and all we bring and that we don’t want to miss that, as the value was and is enorm in our growing potential to learn and reflect with each other. Now we have an awesome friendship with no neediness or any other baggage attached, so beautiful to be able to live this still, even though the ‘lovers’ part has ended.
This is a great blog to read Gyllian. Time and time agin, there are many statements in this, that are revolutionary…”To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves” Simply stand alone statements that offers deep contemplation.
Gyllian, your sharing about choosing relationships to evolve is quite revolutionary and this piece of writing is an opportunity for us all to stop and realise that anything less than evolving is holding each other in a lesser state of being… Truly powerful.
Golden blog Gyllian. What a lovely way to support so many people who are reading this blog to look at how they can strengthen their relationships and thus, everyone’s evolution! It has already given me a much deeper insight into how I have been in relationships with both myself and others. Thank you – with greater awareness I am now planning on working on the gaps where I have capped evolution through going so far and then stopping or being inconsistent in holding steady with self love.
I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first. There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up.’ what a gorgeous point of honesty you have shared. I am experiencing this myself and it is opening my eyes to the significance of not compromising myself in relationship.
This jumped off the page for me Gyllian “I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first.” All I can say is, missing puzzle piece found! Thank you
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.” When we realise this it opens the door into a life of limitless possibilities.
Exactly Jonathan, once we do not make things personal and see beyond them, we can stop fighting and hurting each other and start to meet on a totally different level of love and equality.
It is big progress when we are able to accurately read when we are rejected and when we are not rejected, when only a memory of rejection is triggered. In my experience that takes care of 90% of my ‘rejection issues’.
It becomes even more powerful once we have dealt with our rejection issues and can feel and read the other person who is actually genuinely rejecting us. That takes the sting even out of those experiences.
All relationships have the potential to evolve us, whether it is a personal relationship with a partner, or the relationship with our boss at work, or with a friend. The whole world is about relationships. Yet the illusion is that we tend to limit our view of relationships as being limited to those close to us. The world, and our connection with it is much bigger than that.
Well said Adam and I agree, Serge Benhayon has blown this myth apart, by offering us this understanding – and for us to take responsibility for the fact, that deep down we all know, every single interaction we have is a relationship with someone who is exactly the same as us. By not choosing to see this or acknowledge our deepest feelings, or even hurts, we are in fact abdicating responsibility – and that is the responsibility to be love.
Well said Adam. I am learning so much from all the relationships in both my personal and professional life. Every relationship shows me something and gives me the potential for growth.
I love that Adam, we are here to evolve, that is our purpose. Everything is an opportunity to respond to its reflection and evolve.
And we can’t be sweet and loving at home, and then be stand offish or in any way unloving outside of our family or friends…energy doesn’t work that way. We take all of us and every interaction we have had with us where ever we go…and so if we’ve been unloving to a stranger, we are still carrying that when we walk in the door at home.
Exposing rejection as not being personal is so important, as it is one of the greatest things that holds relationships back from deepening. When we take responsibility for always having a fullness of love for ourselves first, before going into any relationship, we can know that we are love and that is simply what is there. If the other person doesn’t choose love then we can know that is a choice they are making in the relationship with themselves, and it is not to do with us. Relationships the world over can learn from this revelation.
No matter how many times I hear this or read it in some shape or form, it can never be enough. Understanding that we have the choice to connect to that which is love which is already deep within us is revelatory. Knowing too that this is the connection which must come first changes everything about how we are in relationships the world over.
I agree Amelia, it is so easy to take it personal when we experience rejection in a relationship. But the more I commit to deepening my relationships with myself and others and let go of any need or images I have of what it should look like the more I understand if they say no to the relationship they are actually saying no to the love within themselves and to evolution which is ok as that is their own choice.
Love the wisdom and simplicity you offer here Amelia.
So true Amelia, we have such a tendency to take everything personally which can be debilitating and inhibiting of our potential evolution. To observe and understand an individuals choice from a point of compassion can change the whole landscape.
This is huge Amelia, to not take rejection as personal and rejection being the trigger for many or our undealt-with issues that we then bring into relationships, therefore no evolution, just protection and aloofness.
Gyl, I connected to this part today and it feels so true, definitely something for me to work on:
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person. To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.”
When we stop seeing rejection as a personal attack, we are living in energetic awareness and understanding of life, therefore able to depersonalize everything that happens in our relationships and more capable of saying No to expressions or emotions than don´t feel right and are coming from others.
You are right Luz, depersonalising rejection is so important. When we can do this we can understand what is happening for the other person and either offer them support, or walk away knowing the other needs some space and time. Otherwise it’s a case of two people feeling hurt and rejected and no real connection in the moment.
Agree Amelia, the key, and in responsibility in relationships – of any type, personal or professional, is to always take it back to ourselves as opposed the otherwise typical default of blaming the other person. Seeing what the arising issue has created is something to heal, and hence to evolve towards. In relationship – it’s never really about ‘the other’, it’s only ‘about us’ in regards our choice and responsibility, as this is what helps us to truly be with the other for collective evolving.
I love the revelation that the truth about rejection is actually rejecting love itself.
Absolutely Kevin – this makes sense of the rejection we feel from others when we are choosing the love that we are for ourselves. It is confronting of the choices that some make and in particular the pain felt at choosing not to be the love that they natural are.
Before Universal Medicine I wasn’t consciously aware that there were different types of love, probably because I had only experienced the emotional kind which is the one that causes all the hurts in the first place. Dealing wit these hurts and acknowledging our fragility and developing self love certainly is the key to developing stronger more loving relationships.
This has been my experience Kevin, that I wasn’t aware of the different types of love before Universal Medicine, non–emotional love has no strings attached, so to speak, it simply reflects a loving way of being, with no contract or agreement between the two people, it holds the other as an equal an important part of the whole of humanity and that they are also love, no matter even if the choices that are currently being made are not loving.
The more I deepen my relationship with myself and am more loving and understaning of myself, then this is naturally there when I’m with others. And so if we are seeking a change in a relationship then we always must begin with being honest with ourselves.
We stop any moving on or evolution from situations when we choose to use an issue as the problem, so then not taking responsibility for our part which is holding back our love, as love would not let lovelessness pass without exposing it.
‘ … love would not let lovelessness pass without exposing it.’ What you have said here Julie is very powerful and turns the whole meaning of Love upside down. Love is not about being nice, obedient and staying silent – it’s about not accepting anything less than Love. We do all know what Love is and therefore we know what Lovelessness is too.
I agree Julie. Love can be playful and lovely, but those are expressions of love and not love itself. Love can also be a a thunderclap, a restoration of truth and a perhaps uncomfortable exposure of irresponsibility.
Thank you Jinya, it is helpful that you made the distionction between an expression of love and love itself. I have had a big thunderclap of “uncomfortable exposure of irresponsibility” recently.
This is great Gyllian ”I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us all to evolve.”, by taking the responsibility ‘to be love first’ as you clearly claim and unfold in this blog. Sounds simple, and it really is that simple, however it requires a long path of return and letting go of so much protection, conditional love, self-doubt, shutting the other out and making emotional love and relationships our normal. I love the simplicity in which you explore all these and it really makes my body open up and surrender to my own Love.
I would say that the world is largely as it is as a result of the fact that our relationship.with ourself has been almost non existent. It is our relationship with our self that determines how life will be and therefore in a world where most people have a very distorted relationship with themselves it results in the world around us being distorted.
I can see this is definitely a key factor and until a few years ago had no idea that having a relationship with myself was possible or necessary in life and equal to any relationship with another.
It certainly was my experience in the past Alexis, that I had an almost non-existent relationship with myself, therefore I was desperately looking outside of myself in my relationship with others, looking for answers, and possibly the opposite was true as well, I would choose intimate relationships, friend ships Etc. that I could stay hidden in that would not ask me to be more of who I was and connect to me, relationships that would allow me to stay in my comfort of hiding from the world the true grandness of who I am.
Great point Alexis. It always starts with us and the love we have for ourselves, if this were the case the state of the world would be in a very different state than it is today..
The powerful statement – ‘With this I realised that I have never chosen a relationship to evolve’ – causes light bulbs to go on and questions to come up. Reflection on relationships has never brought up the option of choosing a relationship to evolve. Relationships in my life have always been about common interests, mutual attraction, comfort, protection and safety. I love the mutual commitment and dedication to opening up and going deeper in relationship and wonder how many people actually see this as what relationships have the potential to allow. Thank you Gyllian for expanding my awareness and offering opportunity for growth.
Many people choose relationships for comfort or not to be on their own.
How ingrained it is to look for love outside of us – it’s HUGE. We have been talked, walked about this since we were little kids – no wonder. In combination with often loveless childhood, or missing love in the family, or being expressed towards you – I would say looking for love outside of us is an easy go. But what if , like this article is showing us – brings to our onderstanding that love can only come from our inside first – before even having the need to look outside. This form of education I can tell I had not in my early childhood, simply because my parents did not know how. When I look at all the teachings, principals, courses, sermons by Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon – I have been educated to learn that this love (I was desperately looking for outside of me) was actually within me. Yes, within my own body. This was the greatest gift, not because it sounded good so far, also I have never tried it, but because it felt real and true in my body when this was being presented. Given the tools how to become more connected to that love inside me, I am now able to feel and grow my love within, the need for love outside of me is getting smaller and smaller!
Well said Danna. The tools provided by Serge Benhayon are a great gift and nurturing and growing the love we so naturally have within is accessible to everyone not just a select few.
Indeed Danna, hearing from Serge Benhayon that the love we must first connect with is inside us, was actually quite confronting for me, because it raised the question, if inside, then what have I been doing and thinking and chasing outside all my life? But as you also say, given the tools for that connection, it now feels much more natural and true and hugely supportive of living life to the fullest.
Holding back our love, becomes so ingrained over the years, that we no longer realise that is what we are doing….which is true for myself. Only now that I express much more of me, that I can see how I rejected love, rejected my body and rejected God, and in doing so I had no love to give is the same as, I held my love back…..which created all the struggle, all the loveless choices and complication in my life… Holding back our love is self-abuse.
I have never seen it so simply and clearly put as you have jacqmcfadden04, it does feel that holding back love is self abuse, as it is holding back who we all actually are, that is love, and it holds back our connection to God and other people.
Another piece of gold jacqmcfadden04. It is startling to realise that we normalise holding back our love. I too have become aware of this and I am loving the opportunities i have to open up to let out and let love in.
Very clearly pointed out jacqmcfadden04 – huge abuse, and mostly all of us have been or are still in some form of this, even when we hold back at times or ‘just a little’ – you named it aptly as abuse.
jacqmcfadden04 this is so TRUE and my personal experience is that I feel the suppression in my chest area each time that I do hold back Love. No surprise that this is where our heart resides. A sure way to become ill.
‘Holding back our love is self-abuse.’ That is a beautiful and powerful statement. I agree. It is denying who we are and this would go on to create many other ills such as depression.
Yep – exactly so. All we hold back will stay in the body, and then doing all kinds of things in the body just because we didn’t feel to express what needed to be expressed, especially the love that we are. So much easier to express what needs to be expressed, and to let the love shine out. The body rejoices when we are in that space.
I have observed how much I have been willing to heal and let go of past hurts, and as a result, I have grown and evolved with making different choices. As I have evolved, all my relationships have evolved too as I have built a solid foundation of ‘self-trust’, that is trusting myself to express what needs to be expressed without holding back. I share much more of myself and as I do, I find it easier to let people in.
Lovely to hear your appreciation here Jacqmcfadden04 as it made me stop to take stock of what i too have healed and the evolving relationships i now have in my life.
Beautiful Amina, I have played that game for so long : showing a sort of affectionate love (emotional, no true), when it was seen and little accepted and appreciated I would show it – but always under suspicion and when it was not coming back I would definitely hold it against them. Even saying it now it feels so cruel and unrespectful. Knowing how I have played games in relationship, I am super aware now that I must pay attention to when these hurts or behaviours come in (when I let them have a go), but at the moment when this happens I will straight away address this and make it about love again – up until such time I no longer play any of these games. It is my willingness and commitment to let go of my hurts in relationships and being honest – that supports me 100% to make every single relationship I have with someone about love, unrestricted, unguarded, just simply love. Inspired by Serge and Natalie Benhayon.
Our intimate relations are the definite place to build love Gyllian and then choosing for a relationship that has the purpose to evolve is the way to go. A contract for evolution, instead of an agreement for living a life in comfort.
‘I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’ I have done that. What a burden to place on the people we claim to love, and it’s a total relinquishing of our responsibility to ourselves.
Yes I guess many of us can attest to having believed this was how it was in the past, and such a liberation when we truly begin to take responsibility for ourselves and all that that entails.
Rockin Gyl – love it! It has astounded me the level to which i hold back expressing the natural fullness of who I am and i am loving the learning that is taking place to relinquish any measured control to simply let everyone have it – equally so.
I used to look to every relationship to fulfill a feeling of lack within myself whether it was through a partner, family or friends. I confused being in need with love. In my neediness I was draining others and myself. I now know the most precious relationship I have is with myself and from that all other relationships can blossom in greater truth. To not be in need of another is very freeing and less draining on everyone else.
I can so relate to what you are sharing Rachel, being needy and wanting my partner to be ‘available’, to ‘listen’ more, to ‘love me’, all those things I was not giving to myself, so why would anyone else do so. I have since commenced being on a ‘I love myself’ program. Developing an absolute love for myself and connecting with me. This has enable me let go of many ideals and beliefs that were crowding how I lived and viewed relationships. Not to feel needy has created the space of a true relationship to come into my life. Feels great.
‘With this understanding I am learning about evolving relationships on a whole new level – and with that I mean all relationships – not only with partners but also with myself, my family, friends, work colleagues and strangers too.’ This feels so true to me – when a relationship I have with any one person is off, all others are affected also. We cannot have a truthful, loving and evolving relationship with one person unless we bring that level of openness and honesty to all of our relationships.
So true Michael, when we are open to it, all our relationships have the potential to be evolving.
True Gyl, every relationship has the potential to evolve and in that each person in the relationship. The more I understand evolution, the more I understand how staying in comfort, or choosing less than evolution is stunting both myself and those I am in relationship with. So, with understanding comes responsibility, the responsibility to make all our relationships about love and evolution – and once we feel it in truth, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Reading and commenting on blogs like these brings a deeper level of understanding about the way I am with myself and others and how simple everything can become if I let it. Thank you Gyllian for this wonderful blog.
To consider the intent of relationships is for us to evolve, completely changes everything. So often the focus of intimate relationships is centred on what the other person can do for me, give me, meet my needs, heal my hurts. This way asks what am I bringing to this relationship? How can I be more, love more, meet the other person. How can we be more together. Transformative.
This is gold Gyllian, thank you for your honesty and sharing with us your deepest hurts, openly. This game of”if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too’ I have lived in all my relationships, as well. And if my partner couldn’t give me that love that I needed, I had to find it somewhere else, and I was blaming the man that they did not love me as I deserve it. Well this is a relationship that only an existence but not true love, and yes what an exhausting way to live for both.
I too am learning to be love with others no matter how another is being with me. It is so liberating to not have to wait for another to love me before I be loving or express love to another. To consistently continue to be loving in the face of another being reactive, in comparison, jealousy or what ever issue they may have towards me is what I am developing and as I deepen the love for my self this is getting easier.
I can’t count the number of times I rejected people because I could feel they were rejecting me. Leaving me feeling awkward around them every time we met. Instead I could have acknowledged the hurt that I was feeling and make the choice to tenderly reflect the love that I am without any attachment to receive love back.
I feel we can all relate to that comment in one form or another Ilja. Rejection is not personal, just a sign for us to reflect the love that we are so that the other may choose that within themselves.
The fear of rejection is ruling us in many ways Gyllian and it is time to see what it is truly about. As you say it is not about the rejection of the person but in fact about rejecting love, as love is alway asking us to become more than that we are currently living which is at times challenging to our little selves. Choosing for love to me is choosing for evolution as these are inseparable connected to each other and the way to step out of the miserable lives we as humanity in general are living.
Gyllian, yet again your insights into your own life serve to support others to look more deeply at their own lives, this is one of your many strengths, supporting others to evolve as a result of your own evolution.
A great reminder of the opportunity we have to evolve and expand in ‘all’ relationships. I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for a number of years, but am learning that firstly I need to be willing to work on the relationship with myself, and from this, I am experiencing evolving relationships with others.
Thank you, Gyllian. Your sharing makes me realise the fact that we are never not in a relationship, and our whole life is about evolution already without us consciously making it so by virtue of the fact that the space surrounding us is constantly expanding; and by choosing to settle in the comfort of mutual agreement on emotional/functional co-dependency is already very much against that platform we live on therefore very harming. Ouch.
I have recently had a huge shift in a relationship that has been uncomfortable for 20years. The shift has, of course been for both myself and my friend and it feels like a huge leap in evolution. However as I wrote that I wondered if we both had had a leap in evolution first that then enabled us to shift our relationship? Hmm I actually feel that it’s both. The work that we had both been doing on ourselves supported the relationship to shift and the relationship shifting has also supported us to evolve. Space creating more space = evolution.
Wow Gyllian you have taken me to the centre of the onion! All layers peeled back to reveal the truth of love and relationships – EVOLUTION. It makes absolute sense and I can feel the density of emotional needs and using relationships to fill up my emptiness. Thank you for this sharing of you.
When Serge Benhayon presented last year that relationships were about evolution, it made absolute sense to me and was confirming of what I had already felt. The reflection of another is a magical way to understand ourselves, as long as we take responsibility for what it is we feel and not blame another relationships then can become a super highway back to heaven.
If we take responsibility for what we feel the process of deepening our understanding is as painless as can be. If we ignore what we feel, we may have to feel it many times in a row before we gain the understanding that is offered. It is our choice.
When we make the choice for our relationships to be about evolution, everything constellates for those relationships to happen whether they be an intimate relationship, a friendship or a family member. I have found through evolving relationships that love isn’t capped, it keeps on expanding. As soon as I make it about self and not evolution it feels stagnant.
This line also stood out for me “To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.” This is one I have been caught up in many times, taking personally someone else’s choices. When a partner or someone I know has rejected me, I have felt crushed, felt less than, like I was missing out, that I wasn’t some how enough. I understood that this was not the case, but when I was experiencing it, it still hurt very much, so could feel that I wasn’t embodying it. It took me focusing more on me and going deeper with my self worth, self honouring, to turn this around. To say no to the thoughts that would come in saying there was something wrong with me that they were not ‘choosing me’, instead now, I truly feel what you have shared Gyllian, we have to first reject the relationship we have with ourselves, that is the rejection, not the other person. Truly feeling this in my body has been life changing.
This is superb Gly, its like the ‘fundamentals on relationships 101’ if there was ever such a course. In particular, what you share “I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person” brings insightful understanding for all, thank you
I love your blog, Gyllian, and can relate to so much of what you have shared. I only had a couple of real relationships with a boyfriend and then my husband, and so relate to this – “I thought it was safer and easier to let my partner in so far, then shut them out. I didn’t let them see me in full all the time because I was scared of getting hurt. “There were moments I would fully open up and be the love that I am, and then I would return to holding it back, like a ransom: if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too. What an exhausting way to live for us both.” When I look back, I was never truly honest, either with my partner or myself. I was not aware of the need to look into why I was attracted to a particular person, certainly had no idea of the fact that the true intent of a relationship is to evolve one another. I know clearly that I sought the relationships from a need to have someone I could depend on, be there for me, not hurt me, protect me etc. Oh, I was so very needy. I saw my role as doing the usual (in that era) role of supporting the husband, looking after all to do with the home, but did not truly take into account all the different details of a true intimacy. It was all based on romantic ideas. I wanted to be really close, but was not used to really intimate meaningful discussions etc., that I now would really enjoy with a partner. So in so many ways, I held back, as also did my partner. How differently I would now approach a relationship, it would have to be an extremely open, intimate relationship now, I could not live with it otherwise. I feel how important now, that it is to be truly supporting and evolving one another, so that the relationship could truly grow, and deepen in love, for each other, within each other, and with all others that we might connect with. Any other type of relationship I now can see is just so exhausting, as I had come to realise was the case in my main relationship.
There is a big part of me that would love to be in a relationship again, but your blog reminds me to check my reasons for wanting that – loneliness, feeling somehow incomplete, or truly choosing to evolve?
Yes very true Carmel. Me too. I have not been in a relationship for years and a part of me is hankering to be in one but I know that this is out of seeking a fulfillment that I do not feel in the rest of my life.
So have I Susan. I’ve actually also fallen for this by not choosing relationship. I’m 34 and have only had 1 serious relationship in my life, previous to that, I maintained my fierce independence, which was in actual fact, an opportunity for me to stay hidden away and not share who I was/am.
Dear Elodie, we can now look back and appreciate the journey back into the light, leaving our dark hiding spots and the fierce independence behind. None of which served us or humanity,such a different way of being in life, surrendering to the love we naturally are.
I have to say Elodie it’s also very cool that you have only chosen to be in one serious relationship, that shows commitment, and in truth a way of being that is the complete opposite to many.
I am going to come back to this comment as society dismisses the absolute beauty and love in people only having one or two partners in life. For me I feel this a very natural way to be, and is our norm – an absolute blessing, something to be cherished and loved. Currently as we stand the way we are in relationship is a mess, people champion having hundreds of sexual partners or lots of boyfriends / girlfriends, and chop and change them like they were shopping for a dress. Gone for many is honouring people with the absolute love and respect we all deserve, and want if we are honest.
Choosing to be in an evolving relationship, yes please! I can relate to so very much Gyllian of what you have shared. I have chosen to be in relationships for all the reasons you mentioned and then some. But the more and more I am falling in love with myself, the less I am feeling the neediness of wanting a relationship that is anything less than evolving. This then radiates out to every relationship I have with people, as you say, with family, friends, work colleagues, everyone.
It is definitely worth exploring what it means personally to love and evolve.
It never ceases to amaze me how significant the relationship we have with ourselves is.
This is the key to every relationship we have.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” Yes Gyl the one thing we all want is the one thing we all hold back. It is only when we release that love that we expand and so does everything around us too. Awesome.
‘ To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’
I am still learning what it means to be in relationship and to evolve. You quote here resonates with the responsibility I’m now taking in my life to keep developing individually in my relationship for this is what guarentees the steadiness of love I will bring to all my relationships.
Its very easy to see how relationships can go stale.. from not evolving and holding back naturally the love that is there.
Not holding back the love we are and our expression of this is the key to life our livingness and our health and well being by our very intention. Only then can our relationships be honouring of this and evolving that is part of our evolution back to who all we truly are.
We think we are hurt by others but I have come to see that our hurts come from our expectations and needs that we have towards others from not being full within ourselves. And as you say Gyl, the biggest hurt is disconnecting from that enormous love we so naturally are.
I love your blog Gyl as in it’s simplicity it reveals the true purpose of relationships. I have learned a lot about being in relationships where I would look to the other to give me something I was not giving myself, but in the end it never works as the moment it stops we think we are no longer in love, or good friends etc. If we need from outside of ourselves it needs to be continuously fed as to not reveal the emptiness we are filling with it. It will be harder and harder to keep this up and it is showing in the immense divorce rates, family disputes and painful relating between friends and coworkers etc. There is a great need for education and building of awareness of what a true relationship is.
I agree, Carolien I too have had relationships or friendships end when I or the other is no longer getting what I or they need from it. This is proof that that the purpose in the relationship was not based on true love.
You talk about “There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up” and I can relate to that. It is as though we hold each other hostage, just in case we might get hurt again – and as you so rightly say, in that holding back and holding love to ransom we hurt ourselves and others far more than what we let ourselves fully feel.
Very powerful words Gabriele – the games we play and blame other people for not being in our light. I realized, that often I blamed my body and the energy in my body, for not being in my light. My condition was – only when I can feel my divinity I will accept that I’m a son of god. Now I know, even if I don’t feel it in my body, I’m always a son of god and there is no excuse, not to live it.
I feel in every relationship we have there is always an opportunity to evolve, we may not think it is but by reflection we naturally evolve each other. So, it is our choice to accept that every moment is a choice to evolve or not. Everyone we meet constantly reflects something for us to look at, to learn and to grow. Everything happens for a reason, every encounter we have is there to assist us constantly to evolve. Every situation has a message and a lesson, but how much we are willing to be aware and accept this is another question. We are ultimately the ones who are in control of how much we say yes to evolving in any relationship.
Thank you Gyllian for this powerful sharing. ‘I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.’ This statement is a pearl of wisdom. When we accept responsibility for who we are, how we feel and for the choices we make we then realise that it is only us that ever leaves or separates us from the Love we already are. It is only us that chooses not to share All of ourselves. When we choose to step down from walking with the Oneness of our Love we choose to walk without truth, and Love is no longer the foundation through which we grow and develop together. For it is Love that unifies us, all-ways calling us to be more of who we all are, more of the grandness that Love naturally and Divinely is and we are. And the choice to surrender to the truth in every relationship we share is the greatest choice and reflection of true love that can be embraced at any moment.
Gyllian your understanding and explaining of the paradox of love makes it so relatable. The best part of the understanding is that we hold the key to love within ourselves 100%. We get to choose and be responsible for how much love we are prepared to open up to in our lives.
Thank you Gyllian for this awesome reminder that we are in relationship with everyone, ourselves included. How much we are willing to express the fullness of who we are, our love, our willingness to evolve in our relationships is always up to us. Choosing to hold back expressing love hurts us as well as others.
A great sharing Gyllian, that exposes all our relationships. I too formed relationships out of need, and held back on love too – wanting another to offer love first in ransom for a bit of my love, although it was mostly emotional need and not love at all! How beautiful to see relationship for the beauty and opportunity it offers everyone if we are open to truth and being the love we innately are.
The belief that another has to earn my trust and love is so powerful. How should love grow and someone feel safe to trust me if what I meet them with is mistrust and hiding behind walls of protection?
I love your simplicity and lightness in which you present this very important theme. And it was right in time for me to read it. Thank you! Definitely a re-reader.
So very true Gyllian. The potential to evolve is there in all relationships and evolution is the true purpose of relationships. But we must first have the will to choose this and develop awareness and honesty about where our relationships are really at.
The love we may feel for another is an expression of the love that we are. So often we make it about the other person or we focus on them. But really, we are the love and the person we are in relationship with provides a means to express that love. It is a love we are and a love that is for everyone.
It is very challenging to evolve in isolation, if not impossible. Relationships are what support us and allow us to evolve. It is what they are for.
Yes, relationships are an excellent mirror of where we are at – “Relationship, relationship in front of me. How true am I today?” They can also be enormous fun.
Firstly it is the relationship with myself I choose. If I choose it to be evolving, all my relationships will be as such.
I love your description of an evolving relationship, Gyllian:
“knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too. By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.”
Especially the last sentence where you write there is no end to where a relationship can evolve to and that there is always more is the truth of a relationship. Yet a lot of relationships stay at a certain level (plateau), because they are comfortable there, but they are without evolution. And evolution is why we live.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.”
Another rejects the responsibility to evolve in saying no to the love offered by us.
The responsibility to be love first was something that never had occurred to me before I attended a workshop with Universal Medicine. It deeply made sense to me and allowed me to realize why and how my relationships unfolded in the way they did. I was constantly fleeing from responsibility and at the same time annoyed of all those irresponsible people around me. Well, I was just looking in the mirror when meeting others, yet I was not willing to accept this. When starting to not expect others to take the first step, but myself starting to change all that I wanted to be different, I realised, what an enormous power taking responsibility has.
So true Michael and beautifully expressed, we are not victims, we have the power to create the change we want to see in the world.
Awesome blog, Gyllian! This is exactly what I’ve been through. Living relationships thinking it was love – unfolding the dependencies based on hurts that I have created myself to NOT get hurt again: and they didn’t work. It still is an unfolding way to recover from the years in protection and find my way back to fully express the love that I have inside for me and others – which is sometimes easier – but that again is an assistant for me getting it for me. And it feels great to unfold all my patterns: even being in the process sometimes makes it hard to get.
A beautiful blog Gyl. Thank you. These words stood out for me ‘commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts.’ Because as I read them I thought what a wonderful set of appreciations for people to use in the current relationships as a way of marking how far they have deepened together.
If we do not move on from past hurts then we hold a person to ransom. We are unable to see them for who they are now and hold them in a picture of how we think they are. No true connection nor an evolutionary relationship is possible in this situation
‘I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.’ How beautiful does this feel? To know that every single relationship we have has the capacity to deepen and develop. To get more playful and more intimate… all it takes is the willingness to surrender to the love that we are and let go.
I had an example as I was writing comments on blogs I read daily. A friend rang and we talked for a while, it felt nice but we were not really connecting. In the past I would have got off the phone and felt a little blah. This time I said something that I felt was between us really connecting which lead to some discomfort at first then great clarity and honesty supporting both of us to look at ways we had been relating that were not supportive of ourselves or each other. I got to feel how I had been avoiding what I expressed because I knew she would react and react she did but we sorted it out and both evolved through the conversation.
This is really beautiful Kathryn, ‘To know that every single relationship we have has the capacity to deepen and develop. To get more playful and more intimate’, I can feel this happening recently, in the past I just thought that relationships were how they are and they would not change, i also didn’t think that people could really change, but now i know from my own experience that this is not true, it is lovely deepening relationships, bringing more honesty and expressing more love.
Yes, every single relationship is a opportunity to live evolution and not to hold back. I realize, what that actually means, to let in everybody, not to have any prejudices, no projections any more, just the feeling of responsibility to live our love.
Gyl, this brings a whole new awareness to the commonly held beliefs about loving relationships, partners or not. To choose a relationship to evolve is not just for us but for everyone, for the whole of humanity, for it opens up in miniature what can become universal, for all. The ability to live in relationship with everyone you meet as an evolution expands towards an harmonious way of us all living together.
I fully agree with you Joan, all what we do has a much bigger impact than we think and by not allowing ourselves to harm or to the healing of all of humanity. If we choose for relationships to evolve in, these relationships will be actively developing themselves into centres of love that will be shared with all of humanity to benefit from.
Very true Joan. The way we choose to live and relate to others can challenge commonly held beliefs, and ultimately be ground breaking and provide a new imprint that is then accessible to all.
Everything in popular media, books, movies etc portray the perfect relationship as being a fairy tail love story, but rarely is this a representation of reality. However, if we consider a relationship as an opportunity for two people to grow together, to learn and evolve, I can imagine a relationship being very naturally loving and strong, because nothing is left or not talked about, and you have made a commitment not just to a relationship, but to growing together.
Making a commitment to grow together, to never leave anything unsaid, to lovingly support each other, to care deeply and listen intently when ever the other expresses, to never dismiss what another is offering you, to not judge and be super understanding of what is happening for another is the way we all could be with each other if we let go of our hurts and lived love. These are the types of relationships we all deserve.
This is very true, Rebecca. It is the willingness to grow without expectations rather than endeavouring to cement an ideal that enables a relationship to be one of true love.
From what you have written here Rebecca it feels to me that in that commitment to the relationship and evolving together there is a commitment to self first. Without that commitment to self or connection with yourself how can you build a true connection with another.
I agree, to have a relationship is actually not enough, it should be about evolution, to grow together, not to hold back.
Yes Susan, it’s a familiar trap I have fallen for also. Crazy for us to hold back love from ourselves all the while expecting it to come from another – for how can we let that love from another in when we are not allowing it for ourselves?
Yes Hannah, I have noticed my willingness to be open actually has been an ‘eye opener’ to how I monitored my response to people, judging there reactions to me as my inability to attract friends, not interesting enough, boring etc etc. Since I have given that up on the rubbish my head was feeding me and accepted the love that I am … It has just changed and I realise I was focusing on me and my stuff none of which was true or supported me. Now I walk in my fullness, knowing I am complete in the moment and connections are glorious. Such a different way of being in life, opening up to people and humanity and everything life has to reflect. Such connection and joy is lived, felt and appreciated.
Yes, that makes sense Hannah. What I am wondering is whether I really expected love from the other but maybe I was just wanting them to like me and please me?
Evolution begins with our ability to choose love. Where we go with it from there depends on how consistently we are willing to keep choosing it. While this is simple what deters us is that the more we keep choosing what is love, the more ‘what is not love’ arises to the surface to be dealt with and dissolves, so we can get back to being and expressing the love that we are. The absolute truth here is that we are the love we so desperately search for. It is only our thirst for illusion that keeps us looking elsewhere.
Thirst is compelling and signals a threat to life Liane, especially when we choose to dismiss the truth that the every flowing well is already within.
‘The absolute truth here is that we are the love we so desperately search for.’ – Indeed Liane, it really is that simple but we need to be willing to keep choosing it in our day to day living.
Wow, this is so true Liane…”The absolute truth here is that we are the love we so desperately search for. It is only our thirst for illusion that keeps us looking elsewhere.” This absolutely cuts through any story we may have for not choosing to live the love we are right now, in this moment. Awesome, thank you.
Not only do you expose the simplicity of our choices here Liane – we can choose love, or not choose love: simple, but you are also exposing the level of responsibility we have in every choice we make.
Thank you for your comment Liane. Great point too, the deeper we go the more of what is not who we are shall surface and with this the more love we have for ourselves the more gracefully this can be transmuted.
I love your words and the wisdom within “The absolute truth here is that we are the love we so desperately search for. “
You raise a great point Gyllian, choosing to be in a relationship to evolve, means being open to meeting one’s partner every day with the intent of letting more love in and out. In the ebb times, there is still and evolving purpose in being able to feel what is holding back and being honest and expressing about it. In this way there is no drive for perfection but understanding that there are going to be challenges along the way and seeing them as opportunities to let go deeper, rather than feeling stuck and resenting what the relationship was showing.
This is interesting Simon, ‘there are going to be challenges along the way and seeing them as opportunities to let go deeper, rather than feeling stuck and resenting what the relationship was showing.’ I can see how in relationships if an issue arises it is common to see this as a problem, as a division and to hold this against each other rather than feel that the issue has come up to be dealt with so that the relationship can then deepen.
Beautiful Gyl an amazing blog bringing the true meaning and purpose to all our relationships of evolution . Loving ourselves in our own relationship has to be built first in order to have that with all others and asks for real responsibility and commitment to life for us all. I love all you share Gyl it is an inspiration and beautiful reflection thank you.
Choose a relationship to evolve is a big one, but it is the only game in town.
It is a big one Joel. It means not settling for comfort, being prepared to feel the discomfort of our hurts being exposed. It’s about being prepared to go there. But ultimately it is healing and far better than stagnation. I am realising there is no limit on evolution, no stopping point where we can say we’ve arrived.
Yes, I agree it is a big one, though when our whole life is about evolving, relationships are simply another part.
Spot on! It’s so spot on it almost made me shiver in my seat a little bit. How much do we hold back from the people we claim to love unreservedly, and what does this mean about how much love we can be every single day.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.” This is a great observation Gyllian. The love we look for in others is the love we have rejected in ourselves. Thus we thirst for that which only we can quench. Why ask another to fill our cup when the well of love lies within? And once sipped from, it is to be shared with all.
Yes Liane, at a true love party the glass of love is always sipped from and shared with all.
Yes, they either reject our love or they do not want to engage with our lack of love. Understanding this cleared up a lot of confusion about my life.
Thank you Gyl and yes it is an important reminder that we are all here to actually grow and become more of who we naturally are. So many of my relationships have arisen from a need rather than from a true intention and desire to grow. Fortunately I have grown despite the neediness and meeting Universal Medicine brought evolution clearly to the forefront of my world. As a consequence my relationship with my husband has blossomed, because we are resuming responsibility for ourselves, addressing our stuff and placing love at the forefront of our lives, which has naturally unfolded to all the relationships in our lives. Life certainly takes on a deeper and more fulfilling purpose when we focus on evolution not just of self but of all, sharing, learning, teaching and evolving back to who we truly are, restoring joy and harmony to our lives as we shed everything that is not in alignment with this natural expression of love and life.
“Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” I recognise this pattern in myself too. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine opened my eyes – and my heart – to a bigger picture. All relationships can be evolving – including the one we have with ourselves.
‘To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.’This will always be the foundation of any true relationship, the relationship we have with ourselves.
“It is holding back love that actually hurts.” Such a powerful truism.
I find this a deeply inspiring blog on understanding the dynamics of relationships. This, to me, is so simply expressed through the taking ‘responsibility for being love first’. By doing this it cuts through all the issues.
‘that no matter what another chooses, says or does…I am the only one that can reject me. It’s a great realisation because then I am not at the mercy of others defining me.’ Yes Marika, for upon reading this I realised that if we are holding on to ‘someone rejected me’ this is just a ruse we use to perpetuate hurt.
Well said Marika and Michelle, it is so true – and these false beliefs create such harm in our lives, high time to ‘kick them into touch’ ….
This blog needs to be shared worldwide for the simple wisdom contained within it can help so many and help us understand and navigate our relationships on a much truer level.
I agree Michelle – it would revolutionize relationships everywhere if these simple but profound suggestions were lived.
‘I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’ I too can say this and can say that it never ended well, for it was an unreal expectation. There is an old saying that we cannot love another until we love ourselves. I forever find this to be true.
I was thinking about this blog in bed last night and that in fact choosing a relationship to evolve actually in truth covers a vast variety of areas, relationship with people, food, nature, sleep, our cycles, work, money and many more, –– in truth all these relationships actually offer a daily opportunity for our evolution or involution depending on what we choose.
The power of simply being ourselves is HUGE – it can and has changed the world and will continue to do so. There is no trying and need involved in this, just the simplicity of honouring what we feel , and listening to the wisdom in our hearts at every given moment.
This expands on the fact that ‘Relationships’ aren’t just one other person or a ‘significant’ other. Everyone is significant as I am learning that we are not separate from each other. If I shut down from myself or another then there’s a shut down from all equally. We are never not all related.
I agree, Gyllian, relationship is firstly relationship with oneself, and from there it can grow into relationships with others. Actually the issues we have in relationships with others reflect back our relationship with ourselves. A great sharing to look deeper concerning the relationships I have.
“I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.” This is a great reminder to me of what rejection on is really about. If a person is rejecting the love that they are inside then they cannot accept the true love that another person is reflecting back to them.
It is so great to expose the ‘need’ factor we put on relationships as some sort of condition – like ‘you need to give me this’ sort of thing. ‘Need’ has played a massive role in most of my relationships, and I would bail out on friendships if I felt there was nothing in it for me while I piled all I could on needing my intermit relationships to fill the void of affection I was not giving to myself. I am understanding that every relationship has the potential to evolve us, whether that be saying ‘no’ to a relationship does not feel supportive and pulling the persons behaviour up or talking about the ‘what is not’ that gets in the way of sharing a true and precious connection with another.
When I read your blog Gyllian I ask myself, am I ready to commit to a relationship to evolve? I think I am, I would like to say that I am, I’m definitely ready to have a relationship based on true love and that must be a great start to then keep on growing. My feeling with relationships is that they are never static and there is always room to grow, and I like that. It reminds you that life is always moving, expanding into something greater and being open to flow with that is a key to success.
Absolutely Awesome to hear Matts. It’s something that seems so natural, but yet why isn’t it mentioned on internet dating profiles.. “are you open to a loving and evolving relationship?”
Now that would be cool to see “are you open to a loving and evolving relationship?” Yes the answer would be.
The future of dating sites we are here touching upon.
That’d be the day Harrison, let’s start with being honest, I feel that is a big hurdle for many. I see so many relationship breakdowns just because two people simply don’t communicate.
I ask myself that too Matts. I am certainly ready to commit to a relationship to evolve as this is what I am doing with my flatmate, but when the possibility of an intimate relationship appears I can easily slip back into need, and then I have lost myself. Best to keep on developing my relationship with myself and committing to evolving in the relationship with my flatmate.
I feel I would probably slip into neediness too if I went into a relationship but if that is what is needed (!) to come up then so be it. Sometimes I think we can hide by not being in a relationship because we know it will bring up stuff…
Yes great point Matts. I was single for a long time and when I got into a relationship the same issues that I did not deal with in my last relationship came up straight away. However uncomfortable it was, it is a beautiful opportunity to let them go and keep deepening my loving relationship with myself at the side of deepening the relationship with my partner.
Same here Matts, but as you say, better out than in and I agree with you about hiding and not being in a relationship, I did that when I got divorced some years ago but then there’s no evolution.
I love how you define an evolving relationship Gyl. To start with both people knowing they are amazing and connected to the love they are is a fantastic foundation for any relationship to evolve from. Then having the added commitment to not hold back that love and to continue building it together discarding old patterns of hurts. This really feels what a true relationship is all about.
Looking back on relationships I have had in the past with boyfriends, friends and even family, I can see there was a neediness in me wanting to use the people around me to fill up a lack of self worth and love I had for myself. Now that I am much more embracing of the love that I truly am, the neediness is dissipating, although it does still creep in sometimes. And without the need, what is left is a love to share.
The truth is before going to the Universal Medicine workshops I had little understanding of what a true relationship was. To me a relationship was seen as one that was of mutual benefit and understanding, one that did not push my buttons too far, an arrangement that worked for both of us…. and this was the case whether it was in a marriage or in friendship. This is why your blog is so needed, to know that we can evolve through relationships, that holding back our love is not an option and to blow out all the ideals and beliefs we have around what we perceive relationships to be.
Me too Alison. This included friendships too. It was about who would allow me to stay in state of perpetual comfort and numbness.
It is so awesome that so much evolution is available through relating with one another. After living on my own for 6 years I chose to move in with a friend for the very purpose of evolving. There is no hiding! We communicate with each other everyday and express how we are feeling. Although it is often challenging our relationship is deepening and expanding and we are both evolving in a way that would not have been possible if we had continued to live on our own. There is so much love in our commitment. I feel that my relationship with my flatmate is providing us with an imprint that we can then take into all other relationships. I am already noticing that the way I relate to others is different. There is absolutely no point in hiding when there is so much love and growth available when relating to others.
Great article Gyllian, I know this well, ‘if you are love with me, then I will be love with you too’, in the past this is what my relationships have been based on, if someone is loving with me then i am loving with them, if they are not then i shut down or withdraw, i am realising that I can be love consistently and that it does not protect me to withdraw or shut down, quite the opposite, it is actually very painful to shut down or withdraw for everyone involved, and so I can feel how remaining open and loving is the most natural way to be, this is something that I will continue to work on in my relationships.
All relationships, bad or good are there for us to learn from and have a constant reflection of what is going on if we choose to really look at it. Evolving and not repeating the same patterns is the key to growth in a relationship as it is all far too easy to slip into a comfortable way of being that stagnates.
Kevin I only can agree to what you have shared. For me it is so wonderful that there are now more and more people around me who are reflecting me and I am beginning to feel how awesome it is to get all this reflections – so NO way to slip into a comfortable way of being . . .
This is such an important piece of writing, for it affects us all, all of the time. We are constantly in relationship, if not with a partner, with our family, our colleagues, people on the street, and not least of all, ourselves. The choice to commit to seeing the whole picture is huge and knowing there is a responsibility for each of us in each moment to accept the fullness of the love that we are, takes away the pressures and the constraints we place on others to give us the love that we crave.
Very true Jenny. It’s arrogant of us to demand / expect love from outside of us when we aren’t even loving ourselves. But the fact is, until we do take the responsibility for building this love for ourselves, we will have an emptiness that we are configured to fill with stimulation from the outer, because we are choosing not to be what we naturally are in the inner. It’s not surprising that so many marriages end in divorce and feuds exist within families.
We are responsible to be love and then we share ourselves being love with others to inspire them to be love too or just to share the love we all are. Love is always holding and never demanding.
“Love is always holding and never demanding.” I agree Rachel, true love holds another by way of reflection and openness in our bodies and never imposes on them with any images we might have about them.
Yes, love asks for nothing.
Not holding back our love and really getting to and dealing with our hurts is such an important subject. I have been in a relationship for twenty years and I still know I have a long way to go in both of these areas. I look forward to the day when I can say I am alll the love I can be, if there is such a day as it seems that love just keeps evolving and growing whether in a relationship or with oneself.
I agree. We’re hardwired to get results and reach goals, but the thing I am also feeling is that there is no end to our evolution and that this is only the beginning.
Its quite interesting how we have made relationships about ourselves. Everything is focused on our individualized life project, what we need, what we want, what we think ,we deserve, etc. But the truth is that no relationship is about self, it is always about the all and about how to evolve as humanity. Relationships teach us how to live true love and not how to love some over others.
I love what you have shared here, Rachel as love thus far in society is portrayed as something to be gained for ones self. And when we do not ‘have it’ or are ‘in it’ there is always something to read or be told or watch on how to ‘get it’. NEVER other than through Universal Medicine had I heard we are already IT and that true love loves ALL equally and it is what is holding us to evolve.
It’s through our relationships being about ourselves that we find we ‘have to’ compromise and tolerate one another so that we think we are still having our say. When I consider what this means, really it shows that a willingness to understand each other is missing, which is fundamental in our relationship with anyone.
Holding our own love back has a great effect on all our relationships, as we are not choosing that what evolves us constantly. But only are able to wish to get it from someone else, which will never create an evolving relationship. As it causes a constant wait for someone else.
Wow Jeanette I love the expansion you bring to this point Gyl is making. It is so true the Gloriousness of this I have experienced at times when I am like this, and like I was as a child open and loving all equally. People open up and share so much when there are no guards and no reservations, not to mention an enormous expansion and joy. Thanks to universal medicine I am so celebrating returning to this innate way of being.
In your words Gyllian “There were moments I would fully open up and to be the love that I am and then would return to holding it back – ‘like a ransom”. This is such a yo-yo effect that I’ve lived with for a long time. That ripple then effects all down the line with subsequent relationships, a known pattern and comfortable pattern on my terms it feels. This pattern is changing gently so that vulnerability (and honouring that) of truly opening up and letting go of old hurts and fears is letting go of its stronghold. Trust is building as the self love grows continuously. To not hold back in expressing has opened many doorways, sharing opportunities, commitment and taking responsibility is definitely a great foundation for any relationship to evolve and the neediness has long gone.
I have spent the last almost seven years as a single man. I have at times felt like a monk. When the last one ended I told myself that I was not going to be in another one until I didn’t need to be in one. It’s very interesting because now that I don’t need to be in one, the impulse to be in a relationship doesn’t come from my desire, but from knowing what constellation feels true.
Very honest and beautiful expression Jinya. I especially love your commitment to: “I was not going to be in another one until I didn’t need to be in one.” How freeing does that feel, when we have reached a stage in our own evolution where a potential relationship is not based on this need anymore, and we are at one with our selves, and from that livingness, a different constellation can offer itself and we then have another opportunity to check in to feel for the truth within that.
That is a beautiful point Jinya “the impulse to be in a relationship doesn’t come from my desire, but from knowing what constellation feels true.” I have experienced this as well and the way a relationship unfolds is totally different from the one that forms from need. The relationships that I went into out of need were always feeling like hard work to form them ‘does he like me or not?’ and ‘when is he going to ask me out for a date’ thoughts were abundant. Yet when I was need-free and felt that I would love to be in a relationship to build and deepen love the person was just there, there was no effort just a constellation as you said so beautifully.
Took me a few goes to read this part ” To reject love, we first have to reject the fullness of the relationship we have with ourselves by ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing so and deepening the love we feel for ourselves.”
But so true
This is perfect to read today Gyllian as I was reflecting today that another person in truth doesn’t and cannot reject us. If we are living a life of love, and they don’t choose that for themselves, then they are simply saying no to more love, not rejecting us. And if we are not living a life of love, again, another person is saying no to our behaviour that isn’t loving. It exposes for me that rejection doesn’t really exist, it’s just an interpretation we put on a situation.
‘By this I mean knowing I am amazing and I have so much to give, and choosing to be with someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me too. By choosing to commit to deepening and expanding our love together, to letting go of old patterns and behaviours, and moving on from past hurts. And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express.’ This brings tears to my eyes as it reminds me of the vision concerning relationships I had at a young age. But I gave up on this and now I feel what kind of gems I was carrying and just threw them away. Time to reclaim them again. Thank you Gyllian.
Hmmm…tempted to just write ‘ouch’ 🙂 and walk away from the harsh truth you have exposed. It is rare for the intention of a relationship to be based on evolution and not need or the avoidance of being love… but I guess that this, like everything else in life, is a choice and so any relationship, with a willingness and true commitment, can choose more… and convert an arrangement or comfort in a relationship to be an evolutionary one based only on love.
Whether we choose a relationship to evolve or not may depend on a single item: Are we ready to deal with what comes up in the relationship, to be honest and to look at our part? If yes, any relationship evolves us quickly, if not, any relationship evolves us slowly, but all relationships evolve us.
There sure is Gyl, in EVERY single relationship, interaction, moment we have an opportunity to evolve and deepen our love. The more we choose to live in this way the more life becomes about love and not about everything that is going on. Issues and dilemmas no longer fester as they are seen for what they are and so do not have such hold over you. It is a lovely and very humbling way to live knowing that we are here to learn rather than be perfect at everything in every moment!
Gyllian, I read your blog today having been in the midst of a great hissy fit, directed at someone I dearly love. Stomping around in the heavy boots of self-pity with their steel caps of judgement I have been feeling and behaving utterly grossly.
“But no one understands me!!”
Well, all of that dissolved as I read, then an “Oh no” moment of seeing that I am responsible…for me, for my own understanding…and for taking off the boots such that I might walk the delicate steps towards the people I love, embrace them in that beauty and allow them to be.
All has dissolved now.
Love restored.
We are so very human and we get caught even when we know better. Then coming to this blog I received the healing that I needed. That is the magic of these blogs and their power.
Thank you.
Absolutely Gorgeous Rachel! To hold onto a hissy fit and be seperate from another person whom we love takes quite a lot of effort after a while. So it is only natural that we return to what we know is true, and admit our responsibility in being an equal in love. The world mostly does not live like this though, when we feel hurt we take that as a right to hold onto our own emotions, and keep people out, justifying our sadness, bitterness or whatever it may be. But none of this can be found in the basis of a relationship that is truly evolving, which you have so beautifully described is the relationship you have with yourself and with someone close to you.
Beautiful Rachel and Harrison, we are “so very human”, but we will always feel the pull “to return to what we know is true” and even more now that we know relationships are for evolution and not for digging our heels in..
Such a great conversation to have, until Universal Medicine I hadn’t even really ever contemplated why I had chosen to be in a relationship, I had fallen in love, but now I have come to understand that love itself can evolve into something truer and deeper, and relationships can be healing or they can be a place to hide in comfort.
Dear Gyllian, what a beautiful blog – there is so much truth expressed here and concisely so. This is a powerful claiming of the love we each are, and exposing the illusion we can get that or need it from others. Once we clear that illusion what is left is evolving relationships where we can continually deepen and live the love we truly are together.
Gyllian, this is a great blog to begin my day with. If I don’t choose love of myself first, then I definitely just go round in circles and not taking the steps necessary to evolve. What is tricky is when one person in a relationship chooses love and evolution, but the other resists because the initial imprint is for need and functionality. Some-one has to choose it to start making a difference in the world.
Not every outside relationship would be willing to evolve with us, but the relationship that we can choose to always evolve with is the one with ourselves.
Lovely Adele – so true, the first relationship to evolve with is the one we have with ourselves. And yes agreed, not every relationship outside of that will choose to evolve. This does not discourage us though from offering the impulse. What the other does with that is then their ‘choice’…
Holding back the love and expression that we are in past relationships, we always get to experience this again in all the relationships encountered today, but with more awareness now these are golden opportunities to live more responsibility in not holding back anymore—and the word relationship is redefined, from need to love and evolution.
This is true Adele. The opportunity to re-imprint that way we are in relationships seems to always come up, allowing us to grow should we be willing to take it.
The beautiful thing about relationship is when we realize need no longer feels attractive or controls us, we have already evolved in the relationship with ourselves! There is no need to worry about if we are in an evolving relationship or not, as it happens naturally when we get out of our own way.
So true Adele
Yes, Adele, beautifully expressed. Evolution naturally starts with our relationship with ourselves.
This is so true Adele. We can often over analyse things but the simple truth is if we express love and truth fully and consistently, every moment is then naturally evolving.
When we get out of our own way there is no need for anything.
Absolutely Adele, when we get out of our own way, we surrender to our own loving essence,
Knowing that are in relationships to evolve each other brings a level of responsibility that many people do not want to commit to, it is true love for self and other.
Yes Mary-Louise – it becomes very clear that if we don’t take the responsibility to deeply care for ourselves, we also cannot meet others at that level. Key is to the best of our ability to take full responsibility in every aspects of our lives.
There is no comfort to be found in evolution, yet there is much comfort found in our relationships. We are here to help each other to arise back to the love that we are. This can only be done when we relinquish our set ideals about what love and relationships look like and start seeing what is before our eyes through the lens of our heart. True love asks us to be 100% responsible – completely, devotedly and joyously so.
Stepping out of our comfort, taking our responsibility ‘to help each other to arise back to the love that we are’. That is definitely a wake up call for me today. It is so easy to fall back into needing someone to be something, even needing someone to be love.
It’s true Mary-Louise, being in relationships to evolve each other means you are no longer choosing a relationship for self, i.e. to get your needs met. It brings a whole lot more responsibility because there are no comfortable plateaus, but instead a constant commitment to learning, to understanding, and to deepening a “true love for self and other”.
When I read your comment Mary-Louise, it makes absolute sense – obvious that to grow and evolve with another is our purpose and why would we ever choose something less? Choosing less than love or evolution is abuse and a rejection of love for self or the other. And yet I still make non loving choices which means that I am still to appreciate and commit to the fullness of the love I am and that others are also.
I agree Mary-Louise. This is the true purpose of the constellation of people and their relationships.
It’s true Mary-Louise – everything is about responsibility.
I wonder if we can sometimes be too hard on ourselves? If we go into a relationship that does not seem to evolve us, this relationship will reflect the consequences of not evolving us and we then have a choice whether we want to repeat that experience or whether we want to make that same choice next time.
Evolution, no? Just a bit slower…
Great point Christoph!!!We are asked to evolve all the time- and there is no better, faster, wider or comparison in evolution. Everyone chooses their own pace.;-)
This is a great blog. I realised that it never occurred to me to be in a relationship that would not evolve me – I always said no when I felt that there was no impulse in the other to evolve. Friendship, yes, but relationship?
Just wondering Christoph – being in friendship is also being in relationship, isn’t it? I can’t really see a difference here – how would it be to be in a friendship without growth or evolution? It would feel the same wouldn’t it? As we are all the time in relationship with others the moment we interact?
I agree Karin, every single interaction we have with another is a relationship.
This understanding changes everything Gyllian, from a situation where we just ‘get along’ to one where we support and pull each other up. The way you describe it paints a picture of us all as archaeologists, each day uncovering more glory underneath rubble. After all its our relationship with the treasure of our soul that governs all.
A great Blog Gyllian, and your response here Joseph, The way you describe it paints a picture of us all as archaeologists, each day uncovering more glory underneath rubble, I love this.
And I also find Joseph, the more we do this and live this, the quicker we find the beauty and the glory beneath the ‘rubble’ so to speak.
Well said Joseph, looking at relationships from this perspective depersonalises what comes up for us, just a calling out of the what is not so we can get on with being the love that we are.
Every relationship, the intimate ones and the ones that are friends, we all have so much to learn and reflect to each and to inspire. I love what I have learnt but also appreciate what others have learnt from me. I know that some of my friends reflect certain things that I react to and reject for a while but when I get over my reaction and see that what they are offering is a gift and an area of my life that I have not really attended too, I evolve too.
Great point Rosie. By avoiding the potential for conflict, which I have done in many different ways, I am avoiding the opportunity to grow, and holding myself in stagnation, a very unpleasant, tiring and unsatisfying way to be, ultimately.
Beautiful Rosie…it is a game changer when we realise that every person we meet reflects something for us…it may be a confirmation of us or it can be an uncomfortable reflection of something we need to look at…both ways are an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and grow in relationship – it certainly never allows for comfort or boredom in life!
I can appreciate this too Rosie – we all bring so much to each other in so many ways that it is all gold.
I agree, evolution is not an easy process as that which we are trying to bury and avoid is triggered and comes to the surface. It is how much love we have for ourselves that determines how evolutionary these opportunities actually are.
The core of all relationships starts with “relationship with self”, and it is from there that we seed all else. It is therefore always worth considering this whenever pondering on the state of any relationship.
Thank you Adam and an important reminder as we (definitely me) can get carried away with everything outside of ourselves first. As I consider some of the important principles in relationships; respect, understanding compassion, tenderness, openness etc. Offering these to myself first is deeply loving act because as you say as we begin with this, everything else essentially takes care of itself. Not without challenge though at times.
In reading your blog Gyl, I have to really appreciate the relationship that I chose with my flat mate. We are two single mums and we chose to live together to support each other, to inspire each other and to evolve. We reflect so much to each other as do our children and at times, living together can be quite challenging but we chose to be open and honest and to learn and grow together rather than just stay in comfort or to be nice.
Beautiful appreciation and sharing Rosie. It goes to show that the intention and the commitment to that intention is what builds a relationship with a strong foundation that is truly loving through which all are invited and supported to grow and develop to be and live more of who they truly are.
Gyl has raised the question here of what evolution actually is, because she asks us to consider that evolution can happen in relationships, that it is not a pre-destined point that we are travelling along to, but rather that it is something that we produce together in relationship with eachother. Wonderful blog, thank you Gyl.
Thank you Gyllian – how powerful this is to share what a relationship of evolution is. Like you I can say that in the past I have never chosen a relationship for evolution. Even with my husband, when we first met it was certainly for love. But what I now understand is that evolution is love, and to be in a relationship where we confirm to each other our fullness, where we do not hold back and where we support each other to continue to go deeper – is to absolutely honour and hold each other in nothing but love.
This is no different for friendships and family, and I can say that recently we have had some amazing conversations with family that I would have been too scared to have in the past. But by being open to evolution and whatever that may bring, means that what is shared with another can only give them a choice to step forward in love.
This is a great point Hannah – regardless if it is a partner, family, friend or any fellow human being, it’s all about expressing truth and allow space for the other to make a choice whether they step forward in love – or not.
Such wisdom shared here and a must-read for anyone serious about the quality and value of any of their relationships. Seeing a relationship – any relationship – as a partnership in your respective evolutionary process is a big shift from the arrangements most of us tend to settle for – those that go something along the lines of ‘you do or be this for me and I’ll do or be this for you’. I love what you say about ‘never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express’, because ‘it is holding back love that actually hurts’. But the big revelation that would stop many a human hurt from developing if it were fully understood, is the fact that ‘it is love we reject, not the person’.
It’s so true Cathy. Many relationships are purely ‘arrangements’ that feel comfortable and fulfill the needs of both people. This is fine if you want to live in comfort and don’t want to evolve. When evolution and true love come into the picture then it is a totally different story. There is opportunity to come out of comfort and uncover those areas in ourselves that are unhealed and unresolved. Living lovingly and truthfully is not comfortable but ultimately serves towards bringing greater love and clarity to our lives and also to humanity.
‘‘you do or be this for me and I’ll do or be this for you’ – Cathy this is a deeply ingrained pattern in the human consciouness. The contract that most people have settled for is ‘never mind about reflecting truth as long as I get what I ‘need”.
When you put it like this Eva it feels absolutely horrible and very selfish. The truth is that most people look for a relationship to fulfill their needs. What are they then able to truly give to any relationship?
Thank you for sharing this Gyl, such an important topic to cover as relationships are such a massive part of our lives. I can feel how holding back in relationships is not only showing that we don’t fully trust ourselves that we are love, but also shows another that we don’t trust them enough to be our full selves around them – not a great foundation for a relationship!
Yes Susan and Gyllian, it is huge, and the whole world portrays that the love comes from another person to us. This is very disempowering, it’s like waiting for good luck to find that right partner, who will love us, and everything will be ok. It really is a fairy tale. As we are all reflections for each other, if I don’t choose to love myself deeply, I cannot end up in a relationship that’s deeply loving. We are responsible for bringing that love to ourselves first, and then we can share it with somebody else who loves themselves as well. What a beautiful basis for an evolving and growing relationship!
Likewise Esther, I spent many years waiting for love to come to me, and not taking responsibility for loving myself. What an impossible expectation I put on others, and then of course I blamed my parents, my partner & others, for not loving me enough (ie in the way I wanted). It is dis-empowering to approach relationships in that way. By loving myself first I am creating the possibility to evolve all other relationships.
Choosing a relationship to evolve – yes, though for most people it’s not the first intent of why to go into a relationship. It was not for me either. So choosing a relationship to evolve can be at times challenging as nothing will stay unseen. But with a willingness to address and deal with what comes up, this can deepen the love for each other.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.” This is so true Gyllian – every interaction (both pleasant or unpleasant), be it with a partner, parent, child or stranger, offers an opportunity to observe and learn – to go deeper with love or ponder why we have chosen not to.
I like what you said here Carmin. Every interaction offers an opportunity to evolve. To actually live this and allow self reflection is huge. We are in relationships with everything and everyone all the time, there is no pause or time out button. When I have ‘paused’ there are reminders that make it clear pause is not an option.
I love this too and can fully relate Matthew – “When I have ‘paused’ there are reminders that make it clear pause is not an option.” And if we have’ paused’, we can just reflect, re-connect and have another go, any time any moment.
Yes Carmin this is so true. We can learn from the interaction either way.
Absolutely Carmin – the so called ‘unpleasant’ interaction is usually a sign that there is something there to learn and understand.
And it’s often the “unpleasant” interactions which cause us the most pain from which we can learn the most if we’re open to doing so.
Thanks Gyllian. An amazing Blog. With love there are so many games that can be played, you have described them so well. They are holding back, waiting for the other person to show us love, holding people to ransom, not letting go of what hurts us. This all gets in the way of having a deeply loving and evolving relationship, where there is a possibility of more love each and every day.
Isn’t this the trap where we think that holding back love is when it can’t possibly be true love if it is measured like that. It’s like that type of love that we like to call love is just a watered down version used by us because we’re afraid to really show all of us to another. I can’t say I haven’t played this game myself and to some degree I still do but I do know what true love is and that’s what I’m aiming for having more and more of in my life and with others.
Harrison, so very true – I loved this part of Gyllians blog: ‘never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express’
It is astounding that we hold back from this with the silly games of being less than the true love we all are. Once past the distraction of games and everything that gets in the way – ie ourselves! We can truly open up to love that is ever abundant.
Awesome blog Gyllian and one I can certainly relate to in full. There is nothing more inspiring, not to mention sexy, than a partner who is willing to be vulnerable, to share openly and to deepen the love in relationship.
So true Maree. When you feel an openness with the person in front of you be it a partner or friend, you can feel the depth of the exquisiteness of Love that is there waiting to be explored and shared together.
Oh I love this Maree – “There is nothing more inspiring, not to mention sexy, than a partner who is willing to be vulnerable, to share openly and to deepen the love in relationship.” Great expression and a wonderful marker to aspire living this in full.
I agree Maree, being vulnerable with another is powerful and allows true intimacy to occur – it doesn’t get better than that.
This is so true, Maree, as there is then truth and no game-playing.
The potential for us to learn about ourselves and each other in relationships is far greater than being alone – the reflection offered to us by another person with the same loving commitment to growing together is truly supportive of evolution.
Hi Michael I agree there is so much potential to learn about ourselves and each other in relationships if we allow the reflection that is offered to us by another. As well, if another is evolving a little faster then we are we can be inspired by them and get pulled up by them if we choose to surrender and align. We are all here to support and grow each other and this happens so easily when we do not go into comparison and jealousy. These kill evolution.
I agree Michael and Mary-Louise we can learn so much about ourselves in relationships when we are willing to open up and be inspired by the other and offer support when that is needed. And as you say Mary-Louise, when we loose ourselves in comparison or jealousy, we miss out on evolving.
Totally agree Michael – we can fall for the idea that it’s easier to do things on our own, no-one to hurt us or push our buttons, and we can feel like we are more in control, but it’s a false comfort compared to the amazing opportunity we have to learn so much about ourselves and the world when we commit to true relationship.
Yes Michael absolutely – beautiful comment. There is a purpose for us all being here together. As it is through us sharing ourselves and supporting each other to open up to simply be the Love we are, that we can then live the All of Love that we are here to live together.
So true Michael…”the reflection offered to us by another person with the same loving commitment to growing together is truly supportive” Truth offered in a loving way offers so much potential for change, for learning and growth – it feels so expansive and is pure gold every time.
Very true Michael and what does that say about the state of the world and our commitment to evolution – we have more people living alone and a significant amount of technology that makes it possible for us to avoid human contact altogether, we could say it is almost like we have an issue with evolution as we have done extremely well finding ways to avoid it.
Hi Michael I wouldn’t agree with this, if you mean a partner relationship – for in truth, whether we are in partner relationship or not, the choice is there for us all, to learn about ourselves – and evolve equally – no matter what. What is there for us to learn from from will come around in many ways, shapes and forms.
Life is one constant offering, a constant offering of opportunities from which we can all evolve, that’s in essence what life is, it’s just that we’ve dressed it up (or maybe it’s truer to say ‘dressed it down’) to be pretty much everything other than that, hence the very chaotic and tumultuous life that we’re all a part of. A life that doesn’t make sense on so many different levels.
Agree Michael, all we need to do is to be responsible and focus on our own rhythms and simply offer this reflection to another offering them true evolution .
I agree Michael. What comes in relationship can remain almost completely hidden when living alone. I have chosen to be in a relationship based on true love and evolution and I am learning a whole new way to be in relationship, realising that I had many images from past experiences of what a relationship looks like. There is much to let go of and a true relationship is a complete new way of being. I know it’s about my relationship with myself first and to be love without needing anything but rather allowing the magic to happen.
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.”
I couldn’t agree more Gyllian, and the hurt of holding back our own love with ourselves is what can be one of our greatest hurts – that we then can take with us into relationships if we allow it. Being aware of our own level of love, and constantly taking this deeper is key as you say for evolution in all of our relationships.
Second that Amelia – bringing out the love we have within us must be the greatest feeling there is, it’s so exquisite to share with another how much love you have for them and how much you care for them, it’s like the more you share the more you are given…
So true Amelia, it is easy to try to blame another for our hurts, but in the end the biggest hurt of all is when we realise that we have been holding back our love for ourselves. As you so clearly put it, it is absolutely key to continue to develop our own level of love, for all our relationships to evolve.
Agree completely Hannah, this is what we should be taught at school first and foremost. Get this right and everything else is easy. Get this wrong and life is a constant struggle. Forever seeking love outside of ourselves because we are governed by a world that says we are not worth it unless we are loved completely by another but we never know true love till it starts with ourselves. What a set up that no one can win.
I agree Amelia and beautifully said. When we carry our hurts we literally take them with us in every relationship. So, by choosing to heal and let them go we are saying yes to evolving ourselves as well as others.
Yes this is true Chan Ly, anything unhealed will accompany us everywhere we go. So unless we heal what needs to be healed, no true relationship based on evolution can really unfold.
I agree Amelia. It begins from within. The choices we make from the depth of Love we hold for ourselves is the responsibility we all have. As you and Gyllian share, our relationship with ourselves is one that is fundamental as it this relationship that lays the foundation from which all other relationships will develop.
I love this Carola. We hold a responsibility to all to love ourselves. We can not love another if we first do not love ourselves. Again another fundamental law of science that should be taught at school. Imagine learning from early on we all carry a responsibility towards all others. That how we move, act, speak and love has an impact on the all, would just not this key fact alone change the state of the world.
Healing the greatest hurt of all – separation from self – is key to bringing our fullness into all relationships.
How amazing is it that love is completely bottomless, as in we can keep going deeper and deeper into love and basically never ever stop. How magnificent is that! And love can be so incredibly practical, it can be the very practical steps that we take to increase our level of self love, it isn’t some abstract notion involving poems and grand gestures, it can simply be planning meals ahead with care and then really feeling the support of this later in the week. Each of us have different ways of increasing the level of love that we have for ourselves and that’s a significant part of the process, feeling what would increase the level of love for ourselves and where we’re at at right now. A gorgeous and personal journey that by default supports all others.
Understanding that the way we have used and perceived ‘rejection’ is a powerful realisation, freeing us from the emotional turmoil that comes with taking others choices as person reflections on us and letting go of the emotional needs and recognition that we can otherwise base life around. To reject, is to reject yourself and the love that you already already, it’s simple!
I have learnt that to be in a relationship that is about evolving together is very exposing, exposing of those hurts you mention Gyllian and this is a great and wonderful thing! Because we are provided the opportunity to let them go and make choices that ensure they don’t come back again.
Well said Cherise – exposing our hurts is very needed for a true change. The willingness to let go of old hurts is what sets us free to be who we truly are.
Yes, as long as we have an attachment or investment into our hurts there is no true way forward and hence no evolution.
“to let go of old hurts is what sets us free to be who we truly are.” – and this feels amazing!
I can relate to what you have shared Cherise as I have learnt the same. That exposing and letting go of those hurts presents a ‘great and wonderful’ opportunity to re-claim that space with a deepening connection to Love.
Exactly Cherise – letting go of the old hurts is fundamental for any evolution – how can we otherwise evolve and bring our future into the present, if we are still carrying the past around with us.
There is much to consider with this blog Gyllian and I am so pleased you wrote it for us to read. It is far easier to consider that the love we crave in our lives comes from others, and when it doesn’t work out we are faulty. Yet we rarely consider that the relationship with ourselves and the choice to be that love with ourselves. To consider we have been “ignoring, dulling down or avoiding committing to and deepening the love we feel for ourselves” is quite evolutionary and yet very straightforward, if this was developed I do not believe we would consider ourselves ‘faulty’ and go into self bashing quite as much. As a result we would not look for that love from others in a needy way, we would simply be that love with others which would result in a far more supportive relationship that has way more potential to support both parties to evolve.
Hi Lucy I agree we need to be that love with our self and be loving with others not expecting anything in return. The more I be this love with others it confirms the love that I am and re-connects me to the love I innately am. Thus no neediness to get love from outside of myself. I am evolving myself and at the same time being a great point of reflection on how to love unconditionally.
Absolutely Lucy. Our relationship with self is equally important as the relationships we have with others. The greater love we have for self the greater love we live that others can be inspired by.
Thank you Gyllian for the beautiful openness and clarity you have brought to what I for one choose to make a murky and unnecessarily difficult area. Here is to saying yes to love, and to the responsibility for choosing to be love.
Choosing relationships where we support each other to be the fullest version of ourselves may not always be comfortable as it can expose where we have not chosen this for ourselves. But in truth it hurts more to hold back than to be and express the love we are.
Evolutionary relationships are about all of us, and there is a power and purpose in what we can bring when we work together.
Absolutely agree Victoria, it may not be comfortable but I certainly don’t want to choose any relationship but those in which “we support each other to be the fullest version of ourselves ” – keeping things “nice” or comfortable simply doesn’t work for me anymore!
Yes Hannah, I relate – nice and comfortable really doesn’t cut it at all now. I find myself much more expressing these days from my fullness and inner self, and I have observed that this allows a space for the other to step into that too. It does not always happen, however I have also learnt to not take that ‘personal’ either, to just stay with myself with no attachment to where the other has to be or express from. At times, the most beautiful moments are then offered to be shared and evolve with each other…
I agree Victoria…it does indeed hurt more to hold back because we are rejecting ourselves and the gorgeous love, joy and beauty we are, and that is a big ouch!
Beautifully shared Victoria – and yes they are certainly not comfortable and i am now comfortable with this fact! Ha ha. Before i wanted to run and now my choice is to go deeper – to ever expand and unfold.
Agree Victoria, such relationships expose the images we hold about what love truly is, that being the romantic love where everything is sweet and rosy. True love can sometimes be very uncomfortable if there is resistance to take a higher level of responsibility we are all being asked for.
Beautifully said, Victoria. In the past I have avoided those truly evolutionary relationships because I did not want to face my irresponsibility with regards to certain aspects of my life. Now I value every reflection that shows me that there can be even more love and truth in my life and relationships.
This is true Victoria, I have certainly felt this uncomforatble feeling and are committed to choosing evolutionary reationships.
I really enjoyed what you’ve shared here Gyl, as I can feel how much approaching all relationships in this way shifts the focus from the self to the all. I can see that it all begins with our relationship with self too, as without the foundation of self-love, self-worth and care how can we bring all of us to our relationships. Seeing all our relationships as an opportunity to evolve just makes sense, as with each relationship we are offered opportunities to learn, grow and reflect to each other what is possible. As you shared ‘I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.’ How powerful this is.
To take the time to build a loving and honest relationship with ourselves first develops a strong and steady foundation to support all our other relationships. We evolve as the relationship with us is lovingly tended and nurtured, and then there is a natural progression, a beautiful ripple effect, towards the evolving of relationships with others.
‘I now understand rejection has nothing to do with the other person rejecting me; it is love we reject, not the person.’ Gyllian that is profound. I too have realised that all these years of holding back in relationships for fear of rejection has been me rejecting love, and many of the hurts I have taken on were from personalising the reactions of others who were also rejecting love. It is freeing to view relationships and those fears from this observational vantage point. It becomes possible to grow and deepen the relationship.
Well said Anne, I so agree, very freeing indeed; and the moment we take the ‘personal’ out of the equation, all becomes so much clearer to get a handle on what is really happening.
Thank you Gyllian for this insightful article – the world would look very different if everyone saw each relationship in their lives as an opportunity to evolve.
Just like you Gyllian in the past I never went into any relationship to evolve but to fill a need, an emptiness inside me that was aching to be filled. It is no surprise then that none of these relationships were filled with love and joy, and after struggling to keep them going, because that’s what I thought you did, they would come to a grinding, and usually unpleasant, halt. Finally in my late 50’s with the loving support and inspiration of Natalie Benhayon I embarked on a relationship with myself, based on the knowing that I did not need to search outside of myself anymore as all I needed was already within me. This to me has been the greatest relationship of all and as it is one I am totally committed to, evolves each day in such joyous and surprising ways.
‘As all I needed was already inside me’ when these words are taken to heart and truly lived in every day what an amazing liberation and turn around is possible. I feel this understanding goes deeper and deeper the more it is lived and the more the relationship with me is developed.
I share your joy in the evolving relationship you have with yourself Ingrid. I too am discovering how developing this relationship is fundamental for any other relationship I have, and as the one with myself blossoms so to do my relationships with everyone else.
This blog shines out in its practical and divine purpose, really beautiful Gyllian. You have given us a recipe for true relationships by letting us all feel the ‘what is not.’ So many of us seek relationships for relief, control, distraction from self etc… Yet as you’ve shared, every relationship has the potential to evolve and is there for us to reflect and grow in whom we are.
I love this sharing Gyl, thank you. As I read it I reflected on different relationships that I have in my life and in each relationship, what we both bring to one another. In the past I had chosen relationships of comfort- that give me a sense of security.
As have I Kristy, and actually still do. I notice how much I hold on to relationships as far back as primary school, through to people I’ve met through all kinds of circumstances over the years. I’m under the illusion, that the longer the relationships, the stronger they must be. Whilst I know how important relationship is, I also know that unless I’m willing to by my full self, I offer nothing to it and certainly don’t give the other person an opportunity to be their full self either.
It’s gorgeous to feel the appreciation you have for yourself and others Kristy –– appreciation is a huge part of evolution.
This is gorgeous Gyl, how you have described an evolving relationship to be one founded on the premise to grow and expand our love with each other, and a willing commitment to this. Your writing was both very confirming and evolving in itself , so thank you. I also love how you expanded this to mean more than just our relationship with a partner, but with everyone.
I agree – I can imagine how amazing a relationship like this would look, and recognise it in some of the inspiring relationships I see around me
“I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.” – oh I hear you sister! I have realised this myself, that I was outsourcing love. It was a bit of an ouch because I realised I was saying – here bring me something that I am not prepared to bring to myself. But when I realised it, it was also incredibly liberating because we can actually bring this for ourselves and then when we meet a person, we can meet them in the love that we actually are and not in a need to be filled with their love. Very power-full indeed. Thanks for writing about this. It is an important topic.
“Outsourcing love”. Love it as much as I am shaking my head at the recognition of how much I have sought subcontractors to love me in the way I have been unwilling to love myself.
‘Outsourcing’, ‘subcontracting’, that’s exactly what we do! …so dependant on what another will deliver when the only contract we ever really want is the one we make with ourselves, to recognise that the love that we are covers everything. Gosh, what a joy and far less ‘work’ involved when we choose to share all that we are.
This idea of outsourcing is nothing but a solution and quick fix and discredits all the qualities we may bring to relationship.
Absolutely Abby it is the complete opposite of what our natural rhythm is and creates ciaos and drama’s when we are focused on the ‘outsourcing’. It is crazy when you stop and feel the enormous separation we go into and loose sight or our truest expression. Once I felt the impact of this in my body I started to change my ways and reflect back and started to connect to my essence.
I wonder if companies find the same Abby? That outsourcing seems to be the quick, cheap and easy solution, but in fact nobody gives it the same care and attention as the company itself.
There is no way around it when it comes to love. We are here to love ourselves first, and let that be the deep, clean well from which we draw our love for others.
Ha- love the analogies – ‘outsourcing’ and ‘subcontractors’ – what an apt description, puts it into real perspective…
It’s true – the thing is we can do this with friends and family too.
Love is constantly there to be aligned to by any and all of us, if any of us are looking for love anywhere other than ourselves then that in itself this is an alignment away from love.
“But the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first.”
This line stood out for me as it is something that I do, and then shrink away from when I feel challenged in my love. Thank you for your article Gyllian, it has inspired me to stay present and be the love everyone else is aching for, how can others know what true holding love is unless it is seen lived in another. As we have seen it lived by the Benhayon family.
So true Leigh, holding back and waiting for someone else to be loving first is hard work. Better to stay open and just be the natural loving open person you are. I know in the past I have felt if I did that I might get hurt or rejected, but as Gyllian shared, the person is not rejecting you, they are rejecting the love you present. In that way it depersonalises it.
The enormity of realising that it is not just with our partners that we have the opportunity to evolve but with each and every person we meet, is actually amazing and makes life so much more glorious and interesting and expansive. As you say Gyl, that depends entirely on how much we are willing to deepen our relationship with, and how loving we are willing to be, towards ourselves. This is very much a work in progress for me and one I would never step away from now having tasted its beauty.
Gyllian, this is a great line in all it exposes. “I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first.”
How often do we expect another to bring us the love we are not willing to be ourselves?
We have so much to offer each other when we are willing to bring all of us to our relationships.
I love that line too. It exposes a lot. Being love is our responsibility and is one that is so easily shirked.
Yes this line stood out for me too. For most of my life I had placed expectations on all of my relationships to deliver to me what I was not willing to give to myself; it was always about the other person. As I commit and take responsibility for being love first, all my relationships are changing. They are becoming much more honest, intimate and loving.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.” That is so profound, Gyllian, and is so important for us to realise. Whenever we interact with another, we are in relationship actually, although we do not always realise this. We have an opportunity to evolve in all kinds of relationships, it is up to us to see the opportunity and seize it.
Exactly – I love it – what an awesome opportunity for everyone to evolve.
Yes, I agree with you Beverley, we have the potential for love with everybody we meet; a big responsibility to see it that way and to act likewise.
This is a great reminder that love is always expanding “And to never putting a lid on the level of love we can and are able to express” No holding back and open to truly evolving. Thank-you Gyllian
And if love is meant to constantly expand, this is possibly why so many relationships hit the rocks because the people in them are expecting things to be the same. We only need to look in nature to see that nothing stays the same for long.
Yes Sandra, and it’s exposing the pictures we may have around change and evolving that can influence if we are truly committed to evolving or not.
Nature is a constant reminder to us that things never stay the same for long, so true Sandra. How often are we looking for the place where we ‘settle down’ which in truth is another term for stagnating because we have given up on growing, evolving and discovering more about ourselves and one another and how to share and enjoy the immense love we have within us.
Thank you Sandra, yes nature is an awesome reflection in letting go and building a new and letting go again etc. And also in showing us the abundance that is there for us the moment we open up to the forever evolving nature of love
I love this comment Sandra.
I agree Sandra many relationships hit the rock as often one person is evolving and the partner does not like to evolve as well. I love what you say about nature – “to see that nothing stays the same for long.” That is really a great example for expansion and also for changing.
“love is always expanding” –– this is true -– in every single moment or every single day.
Wow Gyllian, I love your commitment to evolve, to really understand the reasons why you react and reject love. I love the marker for evolution is your capacity to love without holding back.
And I love how you have captured the truth of Gyllian’s expression so beautifully Bernard!
So true Bernard, great that you named the marker again here, that our marker for evolution is our capacity to love without holding back. Something I certainly will take into my every day, thank you.
And what a marker that is Bernard, being love with no hesitation or fear of being hurt or wanting the love to be fed back to you.
Dear Gyllian thank You for sharing this with us. It was lovely and light to read and at the same time very strong. For me it was confirming as I started to live in the same way as You describe it here.
I agree with all you say here Nadine and feel similarly. This line that Gyllian shares really stood out for me as I’ve been there in all my past relationships. ‘I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.’ Thank you for sharing this insightful blog Gyllian something everyone in any relationship needs to read.
I have always had a strong sense of the role evolution plays in relationships but it was not until I found Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I began to see what this actually looks like in action. I now have people in my life that show me how evolution works in relationships and this allows for a love grander than anything I believed was possible. Your blog is gorgeous Gyllian as it shows that we do not need to wait for another to be a certain way before we can choose to evolve.
Well said Leonne, “we do not need to wait for another to be a certain way before we can choose to evolve.” how many of us hold back, the ‘you go first, no you go first’ only to hurt ourselves and others immensely in the process. Basically by doing this we are actually confirming to another to stay put, to not honour what they feel, to not speak up, or be and live the glorious love, we all know ourselves to be. All it takes is one person to live truth and love and the ball starts rolling so to speak. So thank God that Serge Benhayon took that step, otherwise I know for sure my life would still be a mess.
Awesomely put Gyllian, we hold back our love in fear of being rejected by another, Serge Benhayon was and is willing to not play that game, and in doing so has shown that is safe to do so, that by being the love we are we cannot be hurt, it is the holding back of love that hurts us most.
Yes Leonne, it does take someone that lives this to inspire us and Serge Benhayon has been that person for me as well.
So agree Leonne, we do not need to wait for another, we simply need to let go of all these conditions we place on relationships and just accept that we are love and that it is time to express that.
This is awesome Gyllian. I too had always chosen relationships out of need and settled into them in a way that avoided any uncomfortableness. In order to do this I had to change myself, I had to hold back and I had to lessen my expression. Now I am beginning to feel the freedom and joy of being all of me when I am with people and what a stark difference this is. I see now that this is my responsibility in every relationship, welcoming the uncomfortableness that may arise, because unless we are growing and developing together or building a trust with each other that supports us to open up, what is the point?
Beautifully said Sara…”I see now that this is my responsibility in every relationship, welcoming the uncomfortableness that may arise, because unless we are growing and developing together or building a trust with each other that supports us to open up, what is the point?” Indeed, what is the point if we are not evolving each other? Perhaps this is why so many relationships fall apart these days – the comfort gets too uncomfortable so we change to a different comfort, or we choose to evolve.
“I see now that this is my responsibility in every relationship,” I love this line Sara – such a joy and so true – it is our greatest responsability to be love in all we do – how awesome is that!
Sara I now welcome reactions and discomfort within myself as it is definitely a time to dig a little deeper as to why…
it can be very revealing and often very subtle the reason being so ingrained and accepted without question. Yes it’s the growth and as you say ” building a trust with each other that supports us to open up, that’s the point of our time here to evolve!
We hurt ourselves by rejecting the love, the love that we are first. If we have rejected that within ourselves then we do the same with all other. This is pretty powerful stuff Gyl. Something I have yet to feel deeply myself. I will sit with this today and come back to your blog for sure.
Yes this is huge Jennifer – ultimately we reject our own love and if we are not embracing and appreciative of the natural ever present love we are then no one else gets it either.
That is a great reflection Jennifer and Marcia, it starts with accepting that we are divine and nothing but love, pretending to be anything less is just fighting the fact.
It’s true Marcia, everything we don’t like about the world or what’s being reflected to us by other people, is in fact how we are treating ourselves. I know for a fact the days I am me, feeling so light, bright and full of love this is reflected back to me. The same as the days where I am not choosing love – this is what then stands out for me in other people as well.
We cannot but love and accept others precisely for where they are at when we live such a level of acceptance and appreciation of ourselves.
Hear hear beautifully expressed, thank you.
Well said Deborah, this is very true and a great reminder that in order to truly love and accept another for where they are at, it comes down to me accepting and appreciating myself first and the more I do this the easier it becomes to observe and allow them to be, without imposing on them.
A great reminder Jennifer that every time I reject the love from another I have also rejected to myself.
What you have shared here Gyl is something that every body should hear, consider and reflect on as it applies to every single relationship we could ever have with another. If we are in conflict with another we are basically not letting them in, rejecting the opportunity to expand love with them and love with ourselves and in doing so turning our back on feeling and claiming the love we already are also. Huge when we consider that conflicts are so normal in relationships these days.
Absolutely Joshua. I love how this blog draws attention back to the simplicity of ourselves and the quality we are choosing to bring to relationship.
And that is the key isn’t it Abby – “..the quality we are choosing to bring to relationship.”
It’s all up to us – any moment any time…
As I read this Joshua, I had a very beautiful, but nonetheless strong reminder of how easy it is to measure out our openness and our willingness to let people be, let them in.
Oh the judgements and indictments and the excuses we have to put up walls between ourselves and others….and to actively fight evolution.
Little wonder then that conflict is normalised.
And even less wonder that domestic violence rates are so out of control…when we reject love there is no limit to the depth to which we can fall.
And if what we do to ourselves we do to another – the level of abuse towards ourselves, the level of loathing, discontent, judgement and non-acceptance is off the richter scale when one considers the normalisation of domestic violence and any manner of abuse that we each live with.
When you put it like this Deborah, that makes it very clear – never in this world would we truly do to another the abuse we might be doing to ourselves, be it through thoughts, self-talk or physical, if we first clearly regonised how abusive we might be with ourselves.
So true Rachel and thanks for the reminder! Anything other than love is abuse.
I agree Joshua, conflicts in relationships are huge. For many it seems like a constant jostling – but that is not love, it is abuse. Love allows another space to be themselves it does not demand anything. Giving someone space and the opportunity to be themselves is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give anyone. Serge Benhayon gave it to me and I could never look back since, even though I may have struggled and resisted what was being presented to me!
I love this James : ” Love allows another space to be themselves, it does not demand anything.” Something well worth remembering all of the time, as it does not just include others but ourselves too, to give the space to us first too to be our selves, and in return offer that to another.
Exactly Joshua, every conflict with another is a sign that we are not letting another in and rejecting the opportunity to expand the love with them. Therefore conflicts arise as an opportunity to grow and learn together to become the true relationship everyone is craving for. It starts with ourselves and how open we are to allow to undo the self-made protections and hurts.
That’s what I thought Joshua, and that this was very honest and if a lot of us were as honest maybe we would see the same thing too ‘Even relationships I have been in and look back on, with deep love and care, I chose from need. I was looking for someone else to bring me what I did not want to be responsible for bringing to myself – and that was love.
I thought I was open and willing to evolve, to work through issues that came up and to actively develop our love together, but the truth was I didn’t want to take responsibility for being love first. There was a hurt, a lack of trust and commitment, and a fear of opening up.’ It is not to say ‘do not be in a relationship’ and as you have pointed out this is not just with a partner but all our relationships. What I can see now though more and more is how we don’t have true relationships but in fact arrangements, something that was brought to my attention by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Doug I would be looking at the reactions that come up before it got to conflict as the time to address the issues and underlying hurts, so as to get to honesty, truth, love so we can evolve together. Conflict is the unwillingness to take responsibility for our part and it’s all about “me” in protection and definitely suspends love and evolution!
Yes, yes, yes to all of these comments. I can feel the huge dis-harmony, negativity, conflict and immense forces that are needed to sustain these un-loving relationships. As others have shared, little wonder that it can descend to violent conflict especially when every part of us is in absolute tension because we all know that this is not our truth. Thus the fury, venom and violence. I can’t help but imagine where we would be if the switch was flicked and all these relationships opened themselves up to the boundless love that patiently awaits.
“the boundless love that patiently awaits” – beautifully expressed Otto.
If the outside world dynamics and upheaval and violence is a reflection of what is happening inside the body then gosh. Now that is a scary thought. This really brings home an appreciation and reminder for the fact that our choices as to what we do on the small scale have big scale ripples.
This is so true Michelle, conflict in relationships is seen as normal, even as a necessary part of relationships. This shows how few people are out there who live relationships based on love and how many people have actually never seen a love filled relationship.
Unfortunately, this is so highlighted with the prevalence and severity of domestic violent relationships now. It seems we have accepted it as normal rather than relationships based on love.
Yes Joshua and isn’t it interesting how unwilling we sometimes are to let go of conflict and return to love? We can be so invested in conflict at times.
It’s a way to keep us small – by creating issues or dramas then we have something else to focus on instead of simplicity and the grandness of our love.
It’s all distraction – to not step into the love we have within, as this comes with the responsibility to live that love in all our everyday livingness. Issues and dramas are just a way to not step up, to not be all of who we are.
Our family is our greatest reflection. We can learn so much about ourselves from our family if we are but open and willing to see it as this.
This morning I felt myself close down with another person and even though I attempted to stay open I couldn’t. I just wanted to ‘get on’ and not listen to them. So for all intents and purposes I closed off the portal to Heaven that we all potentially are. I put up a sign saying ‘gone, back in a while’, it didn’t feel good for either of us, we were both short changed and in that moment there was no evolution for either of us. I do however have the potential to not repeat that scenario again and so evolution is still available if I choose it. Man I love that about evolution, it always gives us another go, in fact it gives us as many goes as we need.
Beautiful blog Gyl. “The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” This is very true and my experience as well. Relationships can get very complicated and full and dynamics. The ‘you hurt me so now I hurt you by holding back my love’ and not showing my love. But I found that if I do hold back my love in a relationship I get hurt the most as I am not myself, holding back my joy and expression.
I have found this also. We hurt ourselves deeply by negating the love we are and all others who see and experience us being less than the Love we all know and are of.
Yep , big ouch to see this in full!
“The truth is, it is holding back love that actually hurts.” I absolutely agree. I tried to fool myself it is another rejecting me or not appreciating me that hurts me, so out of protection I hold back love. But I discovered how unnatural and painful it is for myself and for others too if I hold back and don’t let the love that I am out.
Holding back love builds tension and then the relationship is filled with that in the place where love should be. As that tension grows, it can become quite painful and then all that is known is the tension and it gets further away from the fact that it was caused by love not being expressed in the first place.
Well said Nikki. The tension replaces the love and than we loose site of the love that would be naturally there. Then we blame the other person but really it is us that has held back.
Absolutely Lieke. Holding back love for me is now a physical experience too. When I do not express myself in full and hold love back I can feel a contraction in my heart and a tension over my whole body. It does not feel very nice to hold back love. Not to mention the joy and love we actually miss out on..
I love what you have shared Joshua. To receive a body feeling when we shut down or hold back love is a great reminder of what we are doing in truth, harming ourselves.
So true Lieke, when we close down because we feel hurt, we pretend in our head that we do it to punish the other person, but in truth we punish ourselves and it is a state we cannot sustain for long.
Indeed Judith, we hurt ourselves further in this reaction and contraction.
The mention of dynamics Lieke makes relationships feel very complex and exhausting. It is very evil what goes on in many relationships as what appears to look good and normal may be a couple in a very complex web of drama, hurt, complication and dynamics.
‘I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve’. This for me is the essence: not waiting for that special and intimate ‘someone’ but accepting the potential for learning in all relationships. I have a constantly deepening relationship with someone I work with. It has been a source of much learning and through her I see more of myself. She has taught me about true love, patience, releasing the need to control and tenderness. Each day I feel honoured to be in her presence.
Awesome kehinde2012, I love this – truth is we are in relationship with everybody –– whether we meet them once or work with them everyday.
Great point Gyl and therefore our constant choice of how we are to be in our relationship with everyone, do we choose to make each meeting about evolution and growth or not. I can start to feel the responsibility in that – in a great and inspiring way. It shows me that responsibility does not need to be a burden but rather is something to truly embrace.
Yes and with that realisation firmly in our livingness the meetings between us and others become so enriching, the smiles exchanged and the eye contact made – it all furthers deeper connections.
It really touches me when you say “through her I see more of myself”. It is such a tender and love-ful expression of the relationship you have with this work colleague and it honours both of you.
Yes it is so beautiful when we are in the presence of another who is there engaging with us, and unconsciously reflecting an element we’ve been working on, say for example honesty, or self-appreciation. When this happens there is so much joy! that is inspiring and affirming of both, as each reflect the same quality back in unspoken language or dialect.
I love this line too Kehinde2012. It is so true and this is what I have experienced. When we are open to love, every relationship is evolving.
I agree kehinde2012, with some relationships that are neither nurturing nor open there is a tremendous opportunity to deal with past hurts as they may get triggered wholesale in particular relationships.
Thank you for sharing that kehinde2012. We can focus so much on our relationships being just about the one with an intimate partner, but we are in relationships with all the people in our lives and there is a potential to learn from everyone. Even a chance encounter with a stranger can teach us so much about ourselves if we are open to it.
I agree Kehinde2012 there is so much to be learnt in all relationships including people we chat to in shops and meet briefly throughout our daily lives, as its all relating to another form the relationship we have with ourselves.
‘Every situation in life gives us the chance to reflect on who we are being and how we can be more of the love that we are.’ and being open to those opportunities is a gift we can give ourselves every time
So true Gyl, as you have ably explained love has to come first from the love we have of and for ourselves. Love has been so misunderstood by humanity that instead of realizing until we love our selves we cannot bring love to any relationship. True love is what we are – it is the feeling of the true energetic space within our bodies, it is what we are made of, that is the Love of God. It is the ‘stuff’ that gives us life eternally so. Thank you for your honest and revealing article.
Honesty is always the best policy so to speak, for it opens the door to truth, lets people in and we feel the fact that in truth we are all one and the same.
Susan I love your description of love ‘True love is what we are – it is the feeling of the true energetic space within our bodies, it is what we are made of, that is the Love of God. It is the ‘stuff’ that gives us life eternally so’. Compare your description with the version of love that most people believe in and you get to feel that in truth they are not comparable.
Very true Susan, relationship is the true love that we are with ourselves every second, how we allow ourselves to be with ourselves, the kind of thoughts we allow ourselves to have, the way we treat ourselves, how we hold ourselves when critique comes from someone, when we have done something wrong, the way we hold ourselves in every second of our day, how we walk with conscious presence, how we move our body and being aware of the way it wants to move so it is felt as an emanation from our heart. Relationship is what we allow ourselves to feel, what has to be done next and not allowing pushing thoughts in to follow time. Giving us the space to unfold this natural innate being we all are inside of us is key to a life of true relationship. From here we are able to know what it really means to be in a relationship with ourselves first and then with another.
I agree Susan. When we are ready to evolve ourselves, the obvious place to start are our relationships. Each one is a mirror and the closest relationship the most powerful mirror of them all.
You named it Christoph- “…the closest relationship the most powerful mirror of them all.” It’s so good when we feel ready to look into that mirror and start viewing the reflection with loving honesty; true healing can begin with evolution to follow.
Beautifully put Susan, love has been misunderstood by humanity, we enter into a relationship with another thinking that we have found love and that other person will supply us with all the love we need, and yet we always loved and treated ourselves with the care we expect from the other? The other person has possibly entered into the relationship in exactly the same position, the conflict that then can arise between both people, when they don’t feel loved and appreciated, is therefore based on the misconception that the other could give them the love that they had not being willing to give themselves.
And so the game goes, a vicious cycle indeed leading to much harm and no joy. So good that we can also live another way, thanks to the awesome presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
What you share Gyllian is so true – when we only let people in so far to ‘protect’ ourselves from getting hurt, we are in fact holding back the love we truly are. This is very hurtful (to ourselves and those around us) and only serves to prevent the relationship from truly evolving.
We are reflecting constantly our lived choices – whether we are open to love and evolve or closed and guarded and this can’t but be with us in every moment and therefore with another.
And it actual confirms us not trusting deeply in our relationships when this back and forth game takes place. Best just to go in whole heartedly.
Yes boots and all. Even though that can seem quite daunting, it is the only way. Living in protection is literally killing us.
And it is so difficult to live in protection all the time, as the hurts that we perceive to come our way are really often just ‘thought’ to be directed at us as we are already in protection and on the lookout all the time for where the next one might be coming from. How much easier it is to learn to not take things personal and to open up and express the loving and beautiful beings that we are
Recently I have been very aware of the lack of trust we can hold for one another and how this holds us back from being the love we naturally are. I love it Sarah and Johanna, ‘let it go boots and all’.
Yes, the key is for us to truly let people in, and not try to protect ourselves. If we do not let people in, then we are really hurting ourselves, as well as others, rather than protecting ourselves. It is so important for us to live and share the love that we truly are.
A relationship in comfort is an arrangement rather than a relationship as both people are accepting that things are “good” the way they are and they do not want any changes or disturbances in how their relationship is being lived. By protecting themselves in this way any evolution is blocked and any hurts stay in their body.
So our ‘protection’ is actually a form of self-abuse… holding ourselves off from being love and loved. This makes it really clear to me to really observe and listen to my body and how it feels in each moment and interaction: am I open and relaxed or tense and controlled?
The protection is just a comfort that is sold as a protection and a safety. The only protection is to be love.
Thank you Gyllian, I can relate to the rejection of the fullness that I am and thus the love that I deserve by this simple fact. Then realising and experiencing how much potential there is in every encounter and how much we can bring to each other by simply bringing our full and loving self to everything blows any unworthiness out of the water.
Beautifully expressed Ester, dwelling in feelings of unworthiness denies others the full and loving self we can bring to everything’
Oh how true is that Ester and Kehinde; to hold ourselves back or just indulge in something other than the love we are, allows us to not take responsibility for who we are and all the potential we can bring to our selves and all others we come into contact with.
Gorgeous Esther, your comment emanates that fullness and love and allows me to feel the love I deserve. It is therefor a great testimony to what we can bring to each other if we but allow this fullness and love to come out into expression.
Hear hear Esther, beautiful said, thank you for sharing this. Lets blow any unworthiness out of the water, together.
Yep I ‘ll blow with you all together too 🙂
It made such a difference and so much sense to know that it is not the person we reject but the love, or other energy, that that person is offering. It Makes it so much less personal and not about yourself.
And here is another key again – to not make things personal, to not make it about our selves. How liberating when this gets put into practice and is deeply felt.
Love your comment Esther. It is such a simple equation. The answer to which is infinite.
Infinite love expanding forever.
“I now know in every relationship there is the potential for us to evolve.” Gyllian, this is a whole new way of looking at being in relationships and what it means to commit to ourselves and to others. What a transformation and difference it makes to approaching relationships from this angle.
My husband and I now look at our relationship in terms of our evolution and it is pretty amazing to do this. It is also very confronting at times as we commit to letting nothing go unchecked. The level of self responsibility is huge as is the responsibility to each other and others within our sphere. When we get comfortable we know it is time to check out the next move!! It is definitely an unfolding and a learning for us both.
This feels awesome Anne, and the way for us all to go.
It is easy to slip into a comfortable or non evolving way of being in relationship, when we do that both people are agreeing to an unspoken contract, rather than love.
It does feel amazing Anne, as does how your relationship with your husband would also be affecting all of your relationships. Now that is powerful.
We do too Anne Hishon! It makes the moments when we’re not getting along really stand out but actually much easier to handle, without there being blame or tantrums getting in the way of getting to the core of the issue. Having a relationship that to it’s core is about supporting each other all the time, bringing each other up, not down, is amazingly wonderful.
Beautiful to hear Anne.
That’s beautiful Anne, a commitment ‘to letting nothing go unchecked’ between you and your husband and this unfolding I am sure has its ripple effect in every relationship you have.
Our relationships become for the all and not for self – there is brotherhood in true relationships for they call us all to be more,
True Deborah. It’s not about what we can get but more about what can be shared with all
This is a game changer in the worlds view of relationships Sara…the focus of relationships being not about self gain, our individual needs and wants, but what relationship brings for all.
Beautifully said Deborah. I wholeheartedly agree. True relationship is an inspiration for everyone and gives us all the opportunity to evolve.
Yes we can clear out what is holding us back, it clears the floor for the way forward.
Very true Deborah. When we choose for evolution we know that there is more to the relationship then just being together. The purpose comes alive.
It sure is Rachel and I have been deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family how they have effortlessly, with such ease and grace consistently shown the Love that they are. The simple choice to be this and not dull this down has been a huge complication that we have created as human beings. This is why The Gentle Breath Meditation is a fantastic tool to stop that momentum, connect and feel the Love that we are and take this in the next moment. Choosing the Love first is a choice that has to be made every nano second, there is no off switch because when we do switch off then prana energy enters and complication begins again.
Yes Natalie. I have used this tool very often. It is essential to stop the momentum of whatever pattern one might find oneself in. This is particularly important in relationships where, I find I am sucked into old patterns even more easily. I am still working on this and still stuff up and get caught up in the old ways. But it is a brilliant unfolding and, with a loving lack of judgement, my relationships are all evolving, for which my deepest appreciation is expressed to Serge Benhayon and The Way of the Livingness.
Yes Natalie and Otto this tool is so supportive with choosing or returning to Love. For me not going into judgement when I get it wrong but lovingly opening up to evolving in all my relationships is transforming my interactions with family, colleagues and strangers and I am choosing to go into protection less and less.
This is so true Rachel and Gyllian. Every relationship offers us a reflection and the truth is from this reflection we can learn to be with truth and love and bring all of our self to every relationship.
Yes and it is offering to us to look at our own relationships that we have with everyone, not only with our partners. It all starts with committing to our own relationship with ourselves.
It is to keep that with us that that is the potential in any interaction – and to have that awareness present all the time – then any relationship we have with people, whoever they might be, will be a marker for us too to see if we chose evolution or backed off.
What an awesome understanding Gyllian- that it is love we reject, not the person. This brings so much more understanding to people and their choices to be or not be in relationships. It also completely turns my understanding of relationships on its head. So often I have felt a sadness and hurt that there isn’t more love between myself and friends and family, people I have known my whole life. It’s like we are all in a room together holding back our love for each other. From your blog I can really appreciate my responsibility to be love and to live that love, and not hold it back from people. Thank you for not holding back the truth and for expressing the joy of not holding back from others. Simply beautiful
Sometimes by not choosing a relationship we are choosing love. It may be the most loving thing for both parties to end a relationship, or to not enter one. There is a difference between this and holding back love.
Absolutely this is true if love is not being expressed and both parties are actually less in the relationship.
Indeed there is a difference, and once felt it is very hard to imagine any other way, as we will recognise much quicker each time if it is truly love we are choosing or something based on need.
Love your comment, Simone, and see what you are sharing. I too “often have felt a sadness and hurt that there isn’t more love between myself and friends and family”, especially my family. I was not brought up to really show that love, and did not have a foundation of love in my own body, so no wonder there was not the depth of love that I would now love between us all. I have come to realise that it is my role to build the love that I am deeply within me, and take that out into all my interactions with family and friends, it is then up to them as to whether they respond or not. It is “my responsibility to be love and to live that love and not hold it back from people.”
Thank you Simone and sometimes I find that there is so much Love in relationships, that it is going unnoticed and unchecked and so to be more Love, also means expressing and acknowledging the True Love we can feel, in ourselves and in others.
Beautiful Shevon. Appreciation and taking stock of everything that is already there builds the platform for even greater love.
I love that too Kylie – “… taking stock of everything that is already there builds the platform for even greater love” – awesome and absolutely true.
That awesome revelation came from Serge Benhayon, who has been a huge support and inspiration in my life.
Yes Simone. But is it first the love that we hold back for ourselves? Without that tap turned fully on, then our relationships with others will also be ‘under-love-powered’!
Classic turn of phrase Otto – so true – under-love-powered.
Yeah love that too Otto and Lee – “under-love-powered” – great expression and so easy to understand for absolutely everyone!
Reading your comment Vicky has allowed me to track back and understand where the anxiety I felt yesterday had come from. It came from a moment where I felt to express something that needed to be shared and I held back. I know had I expressed what was there to be expressed it would have allowed for a more open and loving exhange. Thank you Vicky for sharing this moment.
As I read your comment Simone, I am stuck also by how much I have held back my love, measuring how much I give waiting to see if it feels safe, or if someone is willing to open up first. As you say Simone, Gyllian highlights the responsibility we have to be all the love that we are.
Doug I can really relate to what you have said- about being amongst family and work colleagues where I have held myself back from saying what I felt to express for fear of a reaction, breaking the status quo and standing out. But I can feel the pain of this in my body as deep sadness. This pattern doesn’t evolve anyone, and is not based on true love in relationships. I feel it’s time to make love as my true foundation in all relationships, and not hold back.
Absolutely Monica, ‘ I find when I’m light and loving with others I can more easily interact with them no matter what their mood, it actually makes it worse when I hold back and play the game of you first’, I notice this if I’m feeling great and loving and come home then even if my family are not in a great mood if I stay steady and playful and loving then this soon pulls them up, its very hard to resist this loveliness – it is amazing to feel. The other way is for me to react to my family being grumpy and then we are all down in the dumps – not a great option!
So true Monica, it is a loose-loose when we are not love.
Yes, we reject love and we reject ourselves and the part of ourselves that is love and the realisation that all that is truly us, is love.
All we truly are is love but we have built a world based purely on what is not love and then become totally lost in our manmade world, so lost that most of us would scoff at the thought that we’re made from love. In fact if I came out and declared what I know to be true I’d be locked up before too long for being totally mad.
Or is that ‘mold’ Doug? In the sense of fungus as I have felt that energy too within groups of family or friends and it feels very stagnant. Reflecting on this I can also really feel how I have not felt I have known how to express or address this in order to break the mould to help shift the energy so have stayed silent instead. Not great as this just adds to it!
I agree and then it allows the rest an opportunity and choice to say yes and evolve.
I have been coming to this awareness too and sometimes it can feel like an internal battle not to succumb to the old ways of hiding and shutting people out. I’m certainly finding being gentle and loving with myself supportive in staying open too.
The truest relationship starts with self first, for if we choose not to have a relationship based on truth , love and evolution with ourselves, but one for example that comes from need , abuse or emotion, then this is what we will meet in all our other relationships.
Wow that’s very powerful Gyllian, as it makes me self reflect on the issues I have with others are in fact the way I treat, or have a relationship with myself, so by changing the relationship with myself to be more gentle, loving caring and supportive, that will then naturally flow into my relationship with others.
Yes Thomas this is true.
The more I am loving and caring myself, the more I am that and receive that from others , and then this beautiful cycle builds on itself – with no effort from me, only to stay open to Love.
I agree Thomas and Gyl, I have found this to be true for me. At last I have friends, true friends, I am liking myself more and feeling more confident, appreciating myself and deepening my relationships all around… and all because I have made that commitment to me. Yes, life does begin to flow if we make the choice to self-reflect without looking back, or going into comparison or self-judgement. Stopping the flow of Love just hurts us, but allowing the flow to just flow gains a beautiful momentum until it becomes one great big tidal wave of Love that clears everything in its path.
I agree Shevon and Gyl – the more we develop an honest, loving and appreciative relationship with ourselves, the more we have this in our relationships with others. What we first build in the home is what we will share with the world.
This is beautiful Simone, ‘What we first build in the home is what we will share with the world.’ Makes complete sense and if our home is run down, tired, and emotional that is what will come towards us.
Yes very true Gyl. If we do not have a foundation of a truly loving and caring relationship with ourselves we will easily sell ourselves out in other relationships.
I love this Gyl. Such a simple question to ask ourselves: what is the relationship with ourselves founded upon – love or abuse?
Absolutely, Gyl, me first is not selfish. A relationship with ourselves establishes a loving foundation from which we can express without need, and we get reflected back to us what we give out which gives us a marker to see how we are going and is a good indication as to whether we are still reacting from a need or expectation, or not.
Yep absolutely, similarly why would we allow any member of our family to abuse us in any shape or form just because they are ‘family’! Which is what a lot of us do because we think ‘oh that’s okay they are family’. No form of abuse anywhere is acceptable and you are right Gyl if we allow this, anywhere in our lives (including family), we are also allowing it in all our other relationships, including the ones we haven’t had yet.
I agree Gyl, how we can truly have a relationship or love another if we 1st do not have a relationship and love ourselves?
I agree James, the relationship with self will be reflected back to us by others
Indeed James and Joe, and this is what we don’t always want to see and so make it all about the other person as a diversion away from what we see and don’t like.
I totally agree Gyl. Looking at all my relationships this is evident- they all were outward reflections of my relationship with myself.
What’s funny is that I was always apprehensive about how others would treat me – I’d assumed I was at the whim of fate but actually I can feel how I am with myself attracts the same from my relationships – great opportunities to evolve and not blame or claim victim status.
Exactly so. And once recognised and accepted, it is awesome to see what changes can occur in our relationships and what we then discover in our own self as well as in others. Quite a journey when it starts….
I now use those moments when I want to hide and shut people out as markers. I know there must be something offer (e.g. evolution) if I am responding like that. I have the choice whether I take the evolution or turn my back on it as well as the person I’m interacting with.
I Agree Nikki, the feeling of wanting to shut another down is a true marker of the potential to evolve with them and there lies the choice to hide from them or to stay open with my body in whatever level of interaction there is and work through whatever needs to be worked on and move on.
I love this insight Nikki and Francisco, it allows every potentially awkward or unwanted situation to be turned into the most positive life changing experience. I have had many occasions where I have wanted to run away from how I feel, but I also have times where I have stood and stayed with what needed to be dealt with, the latter always leaves me feeling more open, more expansive in my body and deeply energised.
I also find that if I avoid awkward situations, they just stay there until I’m ready to deal with them! I might avoid an uncomfortable situation by shutting a situation or person down or running away from how I feel, but the opportunity just presents itself in another form – which is sometimes then more difficult to deal with because it’s been left – until I address it, and learn to trust staying with myself.
It’s a great point Stephen. Our body constantly reflects to us how open we are, or not to evolving.
I thought I was the only one Nikki – and that marker – that knowing that there is something on offer can be quite disturbing and yet it is only disturbing the way that we have been living – no longer enough or needed and so the step up is available. How many of us will always grasp the step up with two hands (feet) ?
So true, and although it can be (and most likely is) a challenge at times, the deepening of the relationships are so worth it feeling a bit uncomfortable to deal with what is being presented.
Having an awareness of my body has bought a deeper honesty in these moments of tension. Sometimes to stop situations escalating into a fight I bring the focus to registering what I am feeling in my body. This is where I find the point of learning I am offered to evolve.
I can relate to this too Nikki. I had an experience recently where I felt what I needed to express in a relationship and didn’t share it. Later in the day I could feel a drive and anxiety in my body and this helped me to question what was going on. I could track it back to the choice to override /turn my back on what I felt and then I knew I had to share. When I did take this opportunity I could feel how much more loving and open we both were afterwards. It challenged me to express as lovingly as possible without diluting what was needed to be said. In the end it was very confirming of how how powerful love is.
Reading your comment Vicky has allowed me to track back and understand where the anxiety I felt yesterday had come from. It came from a moment where I felt to express something that needed to be shared and I held back. I know had I expressed what was there to be expressed it would have allowed for a more open and loving exhange. Thank you Vicky for sharing this moment.
Thank you for that beautiful sharing Vicky, I have similar experiences and it always strikes me how we sometimes think the other doesn’t know or feel it if we hold something back or something stays unexpressed, yet it will be between us until it is resolved. The moment we choose to express, what was in between can shift and the connection instantly expands.
This is beautiful thank you for sharing Vicky, expressing lovingly while not diluting what needs to be said has been so confirming of the power of love when I have experienced it but I still so often find excuses for not going there and can feel how the lack of evolution then hangs between me and the other person.
I agree Amina the reflection of love children are melts me every time – from boys walking up the corridor at school with their arms around each others shoulders having in depth conversations, to the love and care they have for one another when a friend is upset or hurt by another words, a boy massaging his friends head, seeing a young boy holding a little girls hand in the street with such precious tender care, honouring how delicate they both are. I could go on – it’s melts me because I know this is our very natural way to be with one another.
I love this Vicky, I am sure so many of us can relate. When we do express what is there to be said (although it may be uncomfortable at the time) it is opening the door to evolution between all people. – No wonder we get anxious from not speaking our truth as we are then choosing to shut the door on any real love.
It feels much more simple to express what is there to be said – for everybody.
So true and the feeling is so much better afterwards when what needed to be said was expressed. I remember times where I fought with myself inside about ‘ should I say or not’ ; and when I did, I felt so much better and often had to laugh at myself about the fuss I made with myself to express.
Vicky this is really lovely. I know I live sometimes with my fingers crossed at not having these situations arise because I know how much tension overriding the opportunity to express openly with another disrupts my body – yet I’m holding my body in constant tension in anticipation of these encounters or even when I do express!
So here’s to really being with myself when I do express what I feel is there to express and letting go of outcomes, but rather, observing the magic unfold.
I can relate to that Vicky, feeling the anxiety in my body, when I have avoided expressing something that just needed to be expressed. If you consider that we are offered everything we need to evolve and let others evolve throughout the day, it makes sense that when we ‘refuse’ those offerings, it most definitely affects us. I find it interesting to observe why I haven’t expressed in some occasions, observe the illusion of my choice and then move on again.
Wow that’s something, we have a steadiness that is unwavering if we choose to connect to it. I have a few times and it has been the most beautiful feeling in the world.
This is a great point Nikki and I have been noticing this too myself. When I notice that I am holding someone out, I kindly pick myself up and ask the question WHY and look for the growth that this person is evidently reflecting to me. The reflection of others is pertinent for our evolution.
We can’t always say everything we are aware of but we can always let the other see us in full, as we are, letting them in.
When expressed in this way Nikki, how power-full is the power of choice and the responsibility that comes with our every choice.
Very true Nikki – ‘head for the hills’, or ‘face the music’ (!) Yes, I can recall in the past just how many times I did not express in a relationship, and the resulting frustration or agitation directed at them in blame — though it was not the actual person but instead my own frustration in not expressing/speaking up that was the real tension underneath. When we take responsibility to see the part we play in a ‘dynamic’, we evolve ourselves and also create space for more evolution to take place in all other relationships.
spot on Zofia. Blame is an instant warning that we are not being responsible.
Yes Kylie, blaming and justifying – a classic way of not taking responsibility.
Kylie this is awesome the big elephant in the room is that word responsibility. Blame certainly comes in to evade and not take full responsibility.
And so easy to spot – just have to be honest, is all.
Up until VERY recently and I mean a week ago, I always thought I was right in my “You said something to hurt me. Forget about it [as in the relationship]”, but now I see how very harming this is, as a) it stops my Love coming out and b) it destroys the opportunity for another to receive Love. The evolution is in moving past our hurts, but we have to be honest about what hurts (at least with ourselves first), before we can truly move on AND let go.
Shevon I love what you shared here! Wow that feels so true – “The evolution is in moving past our hurts, but we have to be honest about what hurts (at least with ourselves first), before we can truly move on AND let go.” That is true – otherwise we are stuck and the feeling of this hurt will repeat itself as we are unconsciously creating such a situation until we are honest and nominate the hurt.
Beautifully said Nikki. Just by recognising these moments and all that they are offering us keeps us open to the opportunity to evolve. I love how we are always being supported to let go of unloving ways of relating to feel and experience a whole new depth of love that can be expressed.
That is a great point Nikki, when we get to that point where things starts to feel a bit uncomfortable then we know we are at a point from which we can grow. We can of course use all those managing behaviours available to withdraw from what’s on offer but we can also be curious and open to it and see what will happen. That ‘uncomfortable’ silence most dread is a great starter to explore and feel because within it lays deeper ways of connecting with ourselves and others.
Yes, Shevon, it can be quite a process to stay truly open, and gentle and loving of myself and not keeping people out. For me, it does take time, still a work in progress, but it is a work that is so absolutely rewarding for me, as I become more and more open to being fully the love that I am with everyone that I interact with. The little old fears can still appear a little, but as I connect more and more deeply, I find that they are gradually disappearing from the scene.
Agree that that helps Shevon.. Having a loving relationship with yourself leads to loving relationships with others also… Next step, evolution ?
Yes, very much so, always bringing it back to cherishing and loving ourself, I endorse this. How open I am with others is linked to how contend and loving I feel with myself.
Well said Esther – and therefore we have an easy marker to assess this at any given moment. And should we find we have been a bit closed, it just requires a quick check-in with our self to find the matching part of that ‘being closed’ , reconnect and start again.
I can relate to the shutting out of others in my close relationships. This is something I did in the past when I got hurt or expectations did not happen. This is exactly what I am currently working on braking a long pattern of even though it is only there minimally now. So if I feel my self shutting out or dismissing in the slightest now I look at it, apologise and have a chat to unfold and name what had taken place. Also if I catch it at the exact time, I choose to stay to surrender and chat to work through the hurt or situation that arose initially. It is amazing to break old non-serving behaviours and feel the fuller me in expression.
Wonderful Johanna.smith I love your honesty and so it is easy for me to be honest too as I can relate very much to what you have shared in your lovely comment. I am as well in the process on staying open and let people in even if I was hurt and I have to admit that this is very empowering.
Honesty is the key, and one of the greatest qualities we can have – honesty builds truth, and makes our life far more real and less escapist.
So true – honesty with our selves first allows for honesty to flow between us and others, and makes life and our relationships so much more connected and authentic.
I had to laugh at this Shevon. The old pattern to withdraw when we are feeling vulnerable or a bit fragile can be strong. I have always ‘coped’ with relationships in this way, removing myself and re-gathering. But lately I have been finding that the more I am with people the more my love for them grows and as a side benefit my love for me has grown too. I have found I need to take a step back from old patterns, as they were formed in a reaction to life and not in the truth of who I am.
Thank you Gyl for sharing how relationships can be evolving and how the other in any relationship is not simply there to meet our needs. I have not had a relationship with a partner for a long time but I have however formed friendships, have a family and work colleagues and it was recently I realised these are still relationships that can stand on a foundation of our willingness to evolve or simply be an arrangement to meet the needs I think I need meeting. Your article confirms that is is necessary to base ALL relationships on Love. Thank you.
I agree that this applies to all nature of relationships and it is wise that we consider if our relationships evolve us and offer evolution to another or if they confirm a comfortable or not so comfortable arrangement that never asks us to be more.
Well said Deborah.
And the choice is always ours, whether we choose to bring evolution to a relationship, or not.
Totally agree Kylie, we cannot lay the blame on another if we do not feel the relationship is evolving – for the choice is always ours what we bring to the table.
I agree Hannah, we cannot blame anyone else only ourselves. It is our responsibility whether or not we choose to be in loving and evolving relationships. Blaming others is simply a mechanism to not take responsibility for our own lives and the choices we have been making.
Absolutely – forever our choices we will be.
Absolutely agree Hannah and James, whether our relationships are evolving or not is forever our choice, and this is such a powerful realisation to come to as it forever changes the way we are with all others we meet.
Well said Hannah. Blaming others for anything is actually the choice not to take responsibility for what we have created.
Absolutely Vicky, the very nature of blame is lashing out at another in order that we avoid looking at our own part to play.
This is profound Kylie for the choice is, as you say, always at our door.
So true Kylie, sometimes we might not like to hear this but it is the truth.
Yes choices are always ours and we have the choice how to respond to everything that comes our way. the good the bad and the ugly.
This is something to appreciate. We do not have to rely on another to bring evolution. If we choose evolution nothing can stop us only ourselves.
Yes, by acknowledging and appreciating this it is so empowering, as it frees one from being a victim at the whim of what life is presented to you. As the saying goes, ‘Rather than life doing you, you do life’.
Well said Karin. We have no one to blame either as in every moment we have a choice. There is however a great joy when sharing with another and supporting each other to evolve and deepen our love.
So true Karin, this is bringing the responsibility back to ourselves and the realization that we can only make the choice for our self to evolve.
This is so true Karin, we are the key to set ourselves free from our minds and back to the inner wisdom and guidance of the heart.
Absolutely Karin,
How empowering it is to have the absolute freedom to Live according to our true impulse – evolution is guaranteed.
Great point Karin, the choice to have a truly loving and evolving relationship with ourselves is always a choice; as is the quality of our relationships with others.
Now that is responsibility in a nut shell Karin. With evolution constantly supporting us to express all that we are, we never truly stop ourselves, we just play the ever so painful game of delay.
Absolutely Karin “if we choose evolution there is nothing to stop us but ourselves.” We never have to rely on anyone else. Definitely worth approaching if we are choosing evolution for our self.
Great point Karin just the word rely negates self responsibility.
Appreciation is so under-rated. It is so important to appreciate the magic that is held in true appreciation. Extraordinarily amazing!
Very true Kylie, one of the greatest things and freedoms I am learning in life, is the fact we always have a choice – in everything.
And we are always choosing….even when we claim we are prevented from freely choosing. This is a momentous thing to recognise, somewhat painful, but incredibly liberating.
Exactly, we are always choosing in every moment, whether we are consciously aware of this or not is our choice. Huge responsibility and joy that we can make new choices and bring love and evolution to all.
Great point Kylie. It is easy, for instance to point the finger of blame at another when relationship’s get tricky rather than be responsible for ourselves and the part we are playing. Do we choose responsibility or comfort? Evolution or stagnation?
I agree Jane the question is how much responsibility do we take in our relationships. As i a have been living rather in comfort for a long time it is challenging once you can feel the responsibility each of us is asked to bring. Relationships do not just work like this we need to bring a constant commitment and focus in relationships to make them work and to make them about love.
Absolutely Kylie, we can bring evolution to any relationship if that is what we choose. When we have attachments, expectations, we bring in need and the expectations. When we make it about deepening the connection, letting ourselves feel the love and connection we have then we allow the relationship to deepen and give the other person space to decide if that is what they want or not as well.
So we can make it about ourselves or we can make it about Love.
Evolution is for all. We grow our Love together and we grow en masse.
I love what you shared here Katerina, this is true and what I am choosing, ‘When we make it about deepening the connection, letting ourselves feel the love and connection we have then we allow the relationship to deepen and give the other person space to decide if that is what they want or not as well.’
Every relationship can be about evolution if we choose it. Wow this is big. I can feel the responsibility rise in me when I think about the relationships which I have that are just there not asking anything of me. Great article it has got me looking to a greater depth at all of my relationships.
True Daniel for if we are not choosing to be in evolutionary relationships we are firstly in a non-evolving relationship with ourself.
I agree Daniel. And that it is our relationship with ourselves that is the key here. For in this, if we are willing to go deeper and be very honest, we will feel where we are seeking a comfortable ‘picture’ to rest in, in any relationship. We will sense where our resistances are, where others’ resistances are, and more… This is the nature of our evolving, together, that we continue to connect with the greatness of love that it within us all, which will simply always call us to embrace more of who we truly are.
Having been bombarded with so many ideals around relationships, the depth of love, honesty and truthfulness we hold within ourselves and each other, will open the way for our love to deepen, and that which has tethered us to personal needs and wants, to loosen and eventually let go its hold.
On reading your comment Daniel I wonder how life would feel for me if I not only ‘knew’ that every single relationship in my life was about evolution but that I dedicated myself to the fact. I know that I couldn’t bring that dedication to every single relationship and every single interaction in my main relationships but I could bring that dedication is an over-arching theme, that’s for sure. This is something very tangible for me to work on.
Great point Kylie and the choice is also ours as to whether we seek a relationship to evolve us or not.
Yes Kylie… the buck literally stops with us.
I agree Kylie the choice is always ours.
Yes so true and any moment we can choose new.
Spot on Kylie whether we want to hear it or not the truth is always there.
The irresponsible part of us doesn’t want this to be true. We want it to be about another person, issue or a story etc but the simplicity is we always have a choice. We don’t need to be perfect we just need to be willing. When I feel my heels dig in, then I know there is no chance of evolution or any true love from me.
Such honesty and willingness with ourselves – in our relationship with ourselves – is the key, isn’t it Fiona… In acknowledging where we ‘dig our heels in’, and where we want things to be a certain way, we are offered great opportunities for our own growth, and the growth (deepening) in our relationships. There need be no judgement at all in this – for we have all taken on ideals and pictures of how we think things should be, that, if we are willing to make love the bottom line, will naturally be ‘shaken up’ from time to time.
A truly evolving relationship is one which embraces this, and allows the process – never accepting abuse of course, but most definitely allowing the space for oneself and ‘the other’ to deepen in their own understanding, and allow the ongoing adjustments that are naturally part of a relationship that is true – i.e. one that does not staunchly demand that things be a ‘certain way’, so life can be comfortably ‘ridden through’…
haha I got annoyed by reading this comment, but that only demonstrates how true it is.
How many of us have hidden behind long term relationships and have sat firmly in our comfort, not wanting to rock the boat for fear of the relationship being exposed for that it is. I know that in the past I have done this, but since coming to the work of Universal Medicine I now have true friends, friends who support me, and I support them in evolving back to Love. There is always space to be more in a relationship and discovering this for myself is deepening my relationships every day.
Sandra, I agree with you whole heartedly “There is always space to be more in a relationship and discovering this for myself is deepening my relationships every day.”
This feels very empowering and evolving and can only occur if the foundation is based on true love.
or it could be just because we don’t want to be on our own.
We can easily hide in “singleness” in the same way. It is extraordinarily easy to control life on all fronts when single. There may be the occasional complaints, and sighs, but it is easier than the rawness and vulnerability called for when we start to have an intimate relationship with another – and this includes friends.
We make cosy nests everywhere in our lives, to avoid the conflict and tension. It is a beautiful process to root all of the comfort out – beautiful, raw, honest and revealing. Such is the nature of evolution.
Yes Rachel, I found that being single for me was a way to hide and now choosing to make my relationships about love there is much coming up to be exposed.
It seems like some find it more comfortable being in a relationship whilst some find it easier being single. Either way I think it’s important asking ourselves are we actually growing and evolving in our choice.
I have definitely done this in the past and even now Sandra I have to watch that I do not sink back into relationships that keep me comfortable rather than pulling me up to be more.
“There is always space to be more in a relationship and discovering this for myself is deepening my relationships every day.” indeed Sandra, the infinite nature of evolution is divine.
What you’ve shared here Sandra is vitally important, if we do not want to ‘stagnate’ in life. Most of the relationship models I have seen in my life, until coming to the work of Universal Medicine, were exactly as you describe – and I did my own fair share of hiding in relationship also. The thing is, everyone does know when a compromise is being lived – along with the costs, and the pay-offs for choosing it. I am deeply appreciative of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for confirming the truth I always knew – that such lived compromise is not ‘it’, it gets us nowhere (often leading to problems in physical and mental health being exacerbated down the track), and it serves nought in what it brings to all, but to confirm that denial of oneself and that the denial of the love that one knows and deserves is somehow ‘ok’, when it is anything but so.
We are indeed ‘so much more’ than beings who choose to live in complicated and compromising relationships – when we do know exactly what it is that we are choosing. Yet how staunchly we can hold onto such ways – trying our darnedest to make issues out of such complication and ‘sacrifice’, when our real resistance is in claiming how truly powerful our own love is.
What if, we drop the complication, express the truth we know, and embrace a life where love is the bottom line? Is it so very scary, when we know that compromise and complication has never brought us to the true connection we all long for deep within?
It is indeed very exposing when I become aware that I have been choosing to keep a relationship from going deeper because I do not want to upset the apple cart. Even more so when I stay in uncomfortable arrangements because they are familiar.
Yes that is such a bind at times, to “stay in uncomfortable arrangements because they are familiar.” I used to do that many many years ago too, and it was incredibly liberating when I let go of that perceived need.
I agree Deborah, either we choose to evolve through the relationship or we are being evolved through the relationship. The latter can be extremely unpleasant, especially in comparison to the former.
Yes I so agree too, and the choice to evolve through the relationship, even though at times not easy, can be deeply loving and nurturing at the same time. Whereas we choose ‘being evolved through relationships’, can be very painful on all levels of being….
I like what you say here Christoph, as it suggests that we are all being called to evolve. However, we can choose to hold it back by delaying the process which often complicates matters and makes it more painful as if we are on a revolving wheel going over and over the same issues but getting nowhere. Once we choose to evolve, we stop swimming against the tide and things can happen very fast and sometimes it’s a bit bumpy as we turn to return, but if we are willing to let go we will soon find ourselves going with the flow.
Beautifully said Sandra. There is always a ‘flow’ to return to, no matter how staunchly we have resisted its pull, and how well constructed have been the barriers we’ve put in the way.
To surrender to the flow, through such deep acknowledgement of what we know to be true within is a beautiful process – it can be challenging, but when we know that the love of the soul is with us, there is nothing in what we’ve lived that hasn’t truly been ‘us’, that cannot be overcome.
Exactly, and it is always our choice to choose evolution or comfort. Choosing evolution in any relationship offers such possibilities for deeper and more loving connections with self and others, and allows for true intimacy and honesty.
Yes Deborah I have had the not so comfortable arrangement in the past and are not wanting to go there again. It is totally dishonouring of both parties.
The relationships I find most testing are the ones I need to pay most attention to. A constant reflection of where I am with myself. And as you say, Julie it’s important to .’base ALL relationships on Love’
Since writing this comment , one particular relationship, I felt was almost broken has evolved. I simply expressed in writing, not to a specific person. but to a group honestly and simply about brotherhood. One person responded in detail and expressed un-emotionally and honestly the truth of their story: past hurts, disappointments-all the things that were not examples of brotherly love, but exploitation It was an opening, and from there, I was able to acknowledge his experience and show my appreciation and love. The quality of communication between us since has mutually softened. In an earlier blog, I made this comment ‘to give up on another, is like giving up on ourselves’, as I wrote I knew this wisdom spoke directly to me. I listened, kept my heart open and opened the heart of another.
Thank you Kehinde2012 ‘to give up on another, is like giving up on ourselves.’ This wisdom speaks to me to for the potential for a relationship to evolve is always there by bringing more love to the table. I have felt this too.
Yes this is really beautiful, to never give up on another. This doesn’t mean forever waiting for someone to ‘get’ what I want them to get but to express what’s there with no imposing of my need for them to change.
This is gorgeous kehinde2012, thank you for sharing such a wonderful example to inspire and support what is shared here in this amazing article.. So true ‘to give up on another, is like giving up on ourselves’, there is much to ponder and reassess about all of our relationships when we put them in this context, so much more appreciation to be had and responsibility to be taken. The light of the divine is within us all equally.
This is deeply inspiring “never to give up on another”. We always have the choice to keep our hearts open to a person regardless of how they respond to us.
This is beautiful Kehinde2012 in presenting this person with truth you have offered evolution, for this person has chosen to let you in, to bring down the guards and from here connection and love can be
A poignant example Kehinde, and one that makes complete sense if we are open to evolving (returning to the magnificence of love that we are) in our relationships.
Any closed door is a door closed upon ourselves. We can say an outright ‘no’ to abuse in any form, yet in the true nature of our love, we would never close the door and give up upon another.
I would say that this is not only ‘like’ giving up on oneself – it actually IS giving up on oneself. For we are all, in truth, one.
That’s right kehinde 2012, and often the relationships that press our buttons the most are the one’s with our closest friends and family, they’re right under our noses so to speak. Having said that, every person we meet on a daily basis, whether it is a passing stranger in the street or a work colleague, has something to reflect to us if we are present with our awareness enough to pick up the signs and signals along the way. And if we choose not to see it then we are delaying our own evolution, and theirs.
We can often blame other people or their behaviours that we don’t like. yet there is a reflection and a learning in every relationship we meet, whether it is a confirmation or a learning for us to evolve.
Yes Gyl. I’ve also realised how much when we still hold on to hurts from the past, we lace our relationships with those hurts. Something another will do will trigger…. and the hurt simply snowballs down the hill directed towards the person before us. If we choose to lovingly deal with our hurts, more and more what we come with is an open canvas, without judgements, expectations or conditions, and that’s when we can truly meet the other person as well, not needing them to be something for us to feel better, simply enjoying them in their essence.
I understood that if we don’t heal our hurts we bring them in relationships and find a suitable partner who will confirm our hurts so we have an excuse to stay protected and guarded and do not need to move on. It is great once we start living in a way which like you describes Katerina is open truly meet and listen to the other person.
Yes, it is so important to heal our hurts or they resurface when triggered by another. We then have the choice to heal these hurts and let them go as we connect and be love with another.
Yes Gyl, it’s easier to point the finger at others when we feel hurt or don’t want to look at something within ourselves. Being able to see the reflection that another is offering is a true gift.
Agree Gyl, if you have made a commitment to make your relationship about evolution, potentially each time you come together it will be just about that going deeper; whether it is letting go of your hurt or expressing more love, the reflection will be either confirming or revealing where your choices are at.
I love what you share here Rik, as so often we can fall for a false ideal or picture of what relationship should be, the idea that it’s perfect and nothing comes up, but in truth I would say 99/9% of the world are dealing with, or not may be the case , their hurts, so stuff is going to come up. It’s not about running away from this, but making the commitment to loving work though things together and support one another if that is truly the most loving thing to do. Sometimes the case may be, that the most loving thing is to end the relationship, for both people or a family.
The relationships we find uncomfortable or testing can often be reflecting something to us about ourselves that we don’t want to look at.
Beautiful kehinde2012 – isn’t it true that what we need to most look at, address and heal within ourselves will be triggered by others around us and bring this to the fore?
And that this is all an opportunity to evolve… to drop the walls that have kept people out of our hearts, deepen our love and understanding, and come to stand as the magnificent beings of love that we truly are, once again.
Yes often I find they are the ones where I at times avoid contact for a while, until I can truly feel how stuck that feels as nothing can move. By returning to my true self and connecting to the love within I found that I am then able to get back in contact and clear what needs to be cleared so love can flow again and harmony prevails.
I have not also had a relationship with a partner for quite a few years now, Julie, and it has been interesting to look back on my very long partnership, ending with his death. I can see how that was never a true evolving relationship, I certainly held myself back very much, and had a very low self esteem and love for myself. I was brought up to think of spending time on myself was selfish, so the idea of loving myself was way out of the realms of possibility. But I now can see just how important it is to really care and love oneself first. If I don’t have that basis, then how on earth can I truly love another? A true relationship for me now would have to be based on a foundation of willingness to evolve on the part of both partners. It is similar with family and friends, all relationships for me must now be based on Love.
Beverley, I was brought up with similar conditioning and it was certainly considered that “spending time on myself was selfish”. Consequently I would support my partner totally but in doing that I gave my power to him and lost myself in the relationship, which was not good for him either. I am now re-establishing my relationship with me and appreciating myself everyday and that is banishing the self-doubt I used to be plagued with.
That’s beautiful Sandra, I feel self-doubt stems from us not loving and appreciating ourselves first – it tends to come up when we are doing something that is in truth against ourselves and our love. Self-doubt, is the canary in the coal mine, something is wrong I need to look into.
Well said Josephine – ‘self-doubt, is the canary in the coal mine’ something is wrong I need to look into.
Self-doubt in my mind, is soooooooo last week! It is true Josephine, the more I connect to Love the less I feel I want to go into self-doubt and this has increased my confidence ten-fold because I figure, what is the point in holding back, I’ve done it all my life and it has not got me anywhere except more pain and loneliness. If I feel the slighted twinge of self-doubt begin to creep in, number one I know that I am getting tired and number two I realise that that thought is not coming from me and despatch it straight away back to where it came from and move onwards to new heights because there is no room for thinking small anymore.
Self-doubt is a game that we choose to play and it is game that we actually enjoy. It keeps us small, we don’t have to stand out, it gives us attention even thought we play out that we don’t want it. Self-doubt is a complete sabotage of who we are and is creating the seed of separation. Cutting the thought and belief that is not actually yours anyway and appreciating who we are and the enormity of our love and our light is the only way to stop such a vicious pattern that is not who we are.
‘Self-doubt, is the canary in the coal mine’ something is wrong I need to look into. Brilliant Josephine, this is a great way to look at this dampening down and stop it in it’s tracks.
Very true Josephine, to know this about self doubt is absolute Gold, imagine, from childhood up, if we knew this and were to stop and say okay I know this isn’t me, whats going on, any time self doubt comes in. It would change lives completely.
What I do if I find myself indecisive is actually stop there and then – for I know, if it is not a simple and absolute choice then it is not from me or God.
Well said Josephine, self-doubt comes from us lacking in connection and appreciation of ourselves. It is actually seemingly logic. As if we have a lack, it is easily filled with unloving thoughts, doubts etc. Therefore we must feel and come back to ourselves when we experience doubt, the doubts will then fade away, just simply by our choice to come back to what is true for us – a connection to our body.
Great point Sandra, is its easy to see how these kinds of disempowered relationships turn into a dysfunctional arrangements.
It is truly a different foundation to base our relationships, love. To feel there is no difference between my partner, a friend or a work colleague shows up how much I have held back love and measuring what I feel will not allow me to get hurt again.
Especially when we are ready to be more love whenever we can.
And I feel that is something to be really aware of – where can we be more love in our daily going-ons – to forever deepen this connection to and expression of love.
A powerful statement of claim Beverley and inspiring. We cannot settle for less, surely, when we see the unhappiness that blights modern human life. I work in a very comfortable middle class area and I see plenty of families, but so few are deeply happy, and in abiding love with each other. I see couples who are not even as intimate with each other as they are with friends. They do not look lovingly at each other and speak to each other with the casual indifference that you might address the bus driver (although they deserve love and respect too). Is the what we call relationship?
And what does it say about the relationship we have with ourselves? We learn love and care with ourselves – we are our greatest teachers. We cannot apply an unlearned lesson to another.
And our relationships will not evolve, unless we are willing to evolve ourselves – uncomfortable and challenging as that may be.
Beverley, you describe the roles we were all so strongly fed that ‘we had to play’ in life… Especially as women – to serve another before oneself has been (and still is) so strong. How beautiful to be re-establishing a truly loving relationship with yourself today, and thus redefining what it is to be in relationship with others.
I spent many years putting others before myself – it is a tendency I still have to ‘watch’ at times. Recognising that it was my mechanism for hiding who I am, and not stepping into the true power of my own love in this world, has been fundamental in letting this entrenched pattern go, and be done with once and for all – that in the strength of my own love, I may actually live ‘for the all’, and not in the seeking to fulfil my own penchant for hiding a light that belongs to all.
It’s true even with one off meetings with people in the street, the car park, the supermarket, for nothing’s a coincidence and everything is given to us to evolve, all we have to do is say simply say yes.
Gyl I am having such a lovely time speaking to people on the street, in shops, standing waiting, they are the most natural conversations you can have.. There is no time for the barriers to go up and the conversation flows easily and freely, and quite deep instantly, often starting from a statement or observation. I have found the connection that develops within minutes to be evolutionary as speaking with a stranger means you can speak truthfully and in full expression.
Staying as open with everyone in my life isn’t as free at this point as I am still navigating through the barriers to speak without the filters popping up first, it’s quite exposing really why I would reveal all of me to a stranger but hold back any level of love with family and friends… I am breaking through this but know there is no end to the depth of love, wisdom, joy and connection I and we can evolve in.
‘I am still navigating through the barriers to speak without the filters popping up first’ can so relate to this Merrilee but have been just observing where this happens and feeling into how I can make different choices rather than beating myself up for holding back. For me coming to a deeper level of acceptance of myself has been key to changing these deeply ingrained patterns.
Love what you are sharing Merrlee, I am also amazed by how open people are when meeting them in public and the depth of conversation is truly remarkable. I am very simalar to you in this way, I find it easier to be all of me with the general public, this reveals to me that we are great in the world but perhaps we need more vunrebility to our closer relationships.
I hear you on this one Sarah – I am super open and honest with people on the street so to speak, what this exposes to me is the expectations I place on those closer to me, say family or work colleagues, it feels awful and heavy, in the sense of an invisible weight I am putting this on them –– in steps responsibility. The responsibility to love myself and not need to be loved, which allows others the freedom to simply be themselves.
Yes Sarah , it can be more challenging with those we are closest to, those we have chosen to be with, to be learning and evolving relationships with.
That’s something for me to ponder Sarah …… and I get what you are saying! We are so open and willing to engage with a stranger with no expectations or perceived outcomes, that’s what I can now bring an awareness to my closer relationships…. a willingness to be vulnerable and open.
Yes, I had noticed this and also become aware of this as my pattern. At a party recently I found it much easier to connect and talk with people i didn’t know, whereas those I knew I found it harder to be with because it would have called for me to be more vulnerable and open.
Beautiful observation Marilee. This shows so clearly that connection and openness has nothing to do with being close to a person or being family or in a relationship (these are simply ideals we follow that in fact keep us small), but it has all to do with our willingness to be open and to show all of us.
Beautifully said Esther. I find it a great ‘marker’ for myself, to clock whether at any time, I lose my openness to another, whomever they may be, and wherever I/we may be.
I am often inspired by how warm, open and welcoming you are with people you meet Merrilee, it is lovely the way you connect and to see how people are really wanting this- to have real and honest conversations.
Merrilee, this is priceless what you share and I agree it is seriously exposing that sometimes we can find it easier to be open and share all of who we are with a stranger than it is with our family and friends. Each day deepening this connection with myself and making this my consistent quality is definitely one that I am evolving with and have come to understand that it is simply a choice of identifying who I am and/or the person I am with instead of being All of who I am.
Merrillee I agree. It is so beautiful when people are open and connect with each other. I’m appreciating this at my local swimming pool in London. 6 am, men and women greet each other, often by first name, have conversations, and share their lives in and out of the pool. A cleaning woman sings as she works and shares wedding snaps with us. Someone who hasn’t met me before asks if I’m new and introduces himself. This leisure centre offers much more than swim and sauna.
It offers community, not a collection of separate individuals focussed on the goal ‘the swim’ or passing each other without connecting. Each person reaches out to another by smile, word, song, offers of help. A joy-full place to be.
Great sharing Merrilee. To observe these barriers go up is a great first step in asking ourselves ‘why am I not choosing to bring all of me to this relationship in this moment?’
I have experienced this Merrilee, the openness with a stranger that becomes more cautious as we get to know each other well.
Incredible really, but it is such a lesson in how we start to erect barriers between ourselves and others, rather than holding the precious innocence and open heartedness of the start.
I guess we get so hurt by people we know – they see inside and perhaps we have had the experience of that being used “against” us.
The problems with this protection are manifold…the worst perhaps being the loss of will to be vulnerable, even to ourselves.
This is so true what you share here Rachel, I can relate with this, and am now re-learning to be open and vulnerable with no protection creeping in. Far more joy-full way of living.
Merrilee as you say “I am still navigating through the barriers to speak without the filters popping up first, it’s quite exposing really why I would reveal all of me to a stranger but hold back any level of love with family and friend”. How i resonate with what you have said regarding family and friends. How easy it is to slip away from oneself due to the feeling one gets they may not accept what one has to say. I also am aware of this and slowly breaking through to a new level of connection with family and friends.
I appreciate you honesty here Merrilee and i can certainly relate to this, being more open and at ease with my connection to strangers yet being more protected and holding back with friends and family. I met a lady recently who told me that she had been feeling depressed and overwhelmed but that she noticed that she was very willing to be open about this with acquaintances she has met such as myself but was hiding away from her friends and family because she didn’t want them to see her in this state. Fascinating how we do not want to show our vulnerability to those we are seemingly closest to.
That’s a great way of seeing all people who cross paths with us – each a relationship – a potential for both of us and the whole group to evolve.
Exactly Golnaz. It does not matter if the relationship is easy and flowing or just challenging: there is always the potential for both of us to evolve and learn and deepen the relationship.
Everything in life is here for us all, to evolve.
I love that Golnaz – everyone!
Yes I so agree Gyl – if we are truly evolving we will bring the same level of love to all our relationships and when we do we feel the total connection both to ourselves and to the other person. There is an amazing sense of oneness when we don’t hold back.
I love that Susan “There is an amazing sense of oneness when we don’t hold back” So true! Why hold back when everyone benefits from us sharing all of who we are?
I am starting to approach life like that. Every day I meet people, wherever, whether I know them or not, it is a moment of connection and a possibility to evolution. So I ask myself: did I bring my fullness or was it a shallow, comfort conversation? Did we both evolve in that moment? This is a new level of responsibility to me.
Thanks Caroline for the reminder that every meeting or conversation can be either for comfort and playing safe or can be truly evolving for all.
I love that Gyl, all we have to do is say YES.
Beautiful blog Gyl and beautiful comment. It really is as simple as saying ‘yes’ when the opportunity presents itself. I am learning to do this more and more, whereas in the past I was very quick to say ‘No’. I realise now how many missed opportunities I had to evolve, every time I said no.
Yes, I can relate to that Sandra, I had developed such a pattern of saying ‘No’ that it often still does not occur to me that someone might enjoy having a conversation with me. I expect that everybody wants to be left alone, which of course is so not true, even I never truly wanted that despite the fact that I withdrew from the world.
I absolutely agree Gyl. Feeling the light back in someone’s eye’s when they feel met and can feel more of themselves confirms how we are all here to evolve together.
Vicky – how you described being met, and in doing so confirming that we are equal and indeed love ,is such a beauty-full and loving experience . And Yes, I do feel we are here to evolve together.
Absolutely Vicky it is very confirming to feel that we are all here to evolve together no-one is to be left behind.
It’s amazing Vicky to watch this in kids at school, when they are met. their whole body and face changes.
Say yes, and keep our eyes and ears open, not to mention our heart, and everything comes to us in perfect synchronicity. Absolutely quite simple, Gyl.
I love the practicality of your comment Sandra and yes, the first step is to say YES to what is being offered to us in every moment.
I agree Gyl, the whole day we meet people, all perfectly constellated for us to evolve. I love bringing awareness to my day like that. It makes every day so very much worth living.
Yes Katinka, bringing this awareness to our lives that all relationships are there for us to evolve allows us to truly meet people and be a part of evolution and evolve ourselves.
Beautifully said Gyl – an awesome reminder that everything is ‘planned’.
Our meeting of another and being in relationship whether that be for a moment or a lifetime is like holding up a mirror. When we choose to look in the mirror and see what it reflects we have evolution.
Yes absolutely Gyl, I am finding this more and more. Every interaction can be for evolution and when we see this we then step up to the responsibility that we have in our relating with EVERYONE.
And to be open to the moment. Recently that moment presented itself to me ‘out of the blue’ and responding to it in a deeply caring and loving way was so natural, no thinking was involved, just a holding and an expression that needed to be expressed exactly at that time for that person.
So true Julie. It relates to everyone your in a relationship with 🙂
What a great point you have raised Julie that people have always considered a relationship meant a couple that supported each other, that some kind of weird way that two were more or complete when together… like something was missing. True relationships are more because if we require nothing from another we are more 1+1 =2, where the other is two half’s make 1. The math is simple when we bring all of us to any relationship we can only do one thing… grow!
I agree Julie, what Gyl presented here about a relationship to a partner is actually valid for all relationships we have. And it is also import to mention that the evolvement in relationships always starts with oneself, as relaying that the other evolves equally can be a hindrance or holding back of oneself and the relationship too. It is rather supporting and pulling up of each other.
And be ready to deal with whatever comes up. Then, paradise!
Yes Christoph, the ‘paradise’ you mention is something that becomes the most sacred thing to you. Through a evolutionary relationship the joy that can be shared is the most rewarding experience. In fact for me its the closest thing to my heart that vibrates what I know is true. Physically expressing and sharing your love to another through intimate touch and movements is a confirmation of everything you know is true. I cannot think of anything better than to have that with another, and more importantly to feel this for yourself.
That is gorgeous Rik – the love and tenderness that comes through in your comment is spoken by someone who has truly felt the importance of evolution.
To have this integrity and level of love in relationships, starting with how we are within ourselves, changes the whole dynamic of this lie we have been sold about relationships always being about need and compromise. To constantly be evolving in a relationship means that it can only become more true, more open and more expressive. As you say – there is such joy in this – and I have been appreciating this day in and day out as I see relationships around me change from the comfort of what they were to the evolution of what they continue to rise to.
what a gorgeous sharing Rik….
And to be responsive, committed and set to ‘deal with whatever comes up’ is paradise from beginning to no end.
Key indeed Christoph – “…be ready to deal with whatever comes up.”
Yes Doug and Julie, this is a powerful message. So long as we stay open to love, magic can and does indeed happen.
I have found by not trying, not telling and just being myself is when true magic happens – the relationships around me, within my family and even their relationships with themselves and other people are changing.
and it’s often the simple little magical things that truly are a blessing to feel and see, it may just be a comment someone shares, or an action such as getting in touch with a family member after years, buying themselves a beautiful scarf when in the past this wouldn’t be the case, or even speaking up and saying no to abuse. This for me is truly beautiful, and joy to feel and see.
And when we are in this space of just being our selves, how awesome does it feel, and how easy it seems for all to connect more to their inner self too when we are able to be this in true reflection.
Living Magic is guaranteed by choosing Love.
Love this Deborah! It has a beautiful sound and flow to it.
The only way to base all relationships on Love is to be Love ourselves, first, and the rest just naturally follows. I know that in the past I have based my relationships on need thinking that THAT was Love, no wonder I was left dissatisfied! Re-connecting to the Love I have inside of me and opening up to people has accelerated all my relationships back to what they should have been in the first place, from Love not need.
Appreciating the wisdom you share here Sandra. A relationship that is true, is one where both parties are willing to shed any ‘need’ – the shedding can be quite stark, or it may be quite subtle, yet it will always be there, asking us to go deeper, to be more of the love that we are, hold it back nought, and in the process, recognise the slightest sliver of what is not that love and be willing to let it go.
This can be in a partner relationship, or indeed with any relationship in our lives. What I’ve discovered, is that as the self-judgement and judgement of the other has dissipated, this can be a truly beautiful and evolving process – for anything based upon need has not come from our true selves, yet it is understandable in a world that yet holds so much harshness and conflict, that we can seek to hide and be sheltered in our relationships, when this need not be the case at all. If we make it about love, and evolving back to our true and shining natures, then we all stand gloriously in our own right – and what we bring to our relationships can reflect this in full.
Absolutely Julie. Including the relationship with ourselves.
Absolutely Julie Snelgrove, this openness to love, the will to evolve cannot be isolated to a few, this has to be shared with all.
Great point you are making Julie and it is those relationships that are based on our willingness to evolve together that feel alive and are juicy and fun.
This is a great reminder Julie that every person we meet, every interaction even if just for a moment is a relationship. Knowing this means there isn’t on or off times for being in relationships. I am realising that even when I am alone I am in relationship, as I can feel everyone else.