Recently I realised in my home place, how much we had let our courtyard down – honestly said, it was in a mess. The floor was full of moss, grass and leaves, the outside furniture reflected themselves from scruffy to rotten, and bushes as well as weeds looked like taking over control.
I was looking at this reflection in my life and realised how much my husband and I had withdrawn from here… We did let down the service AND the joy of using the courtyard.
I remembered myself having thoughts like “Outside there are too many insects that disturb me” and “I need someone to clear this mess, but who?” or “I am too busy and have no time for this.” I could see how these thoughts did support a choice I have made: the choice to withdraw from life.
How did that come about?
A few years ago my husband and I were challenged by a group experience where we were left feeling hurt. We recovered and were back on track (we thought) and did go on. It all looked like we had settled back and overcome this experience… yes, it looked like we learned out of it. And in a way we did – and in another way we did not heal the situation completely and so did hold onto a hurt.
This little hurt did hide quite well between our everyday living challenges and caused a maintenance of protection which was in fact called to deal with. But hidden as it was, we did not deal with it. So, hidden it stayed and we went on…
Two years later my partner and I found ourselves in situations where we were not loving with each other, not supporting ourselves in a way that was necessary, and finally after a few drama contributions, we asked a relationship-counselling couple for help. They offered us the reading of that there is still something going on from this group experience, a hurt left over so to speak, and with that the trying to protect ourselves that is now what continues to stand between us both.
We were surprised, but by engaging in this opportunity and then dealing with it we were able to see the shields we did hold for ourselves in protection.
These shields made us unable to connect deeper and build on an intimate level. We did hold each other at a distance, so to not get hurt again, but because we as humans are made to develop, we felt the missing growth and so here we are.
Well, that journey is worth an extra article but here I’d like to talk about how this choice, to hold onto a hurt (and hide it), had a large influence on our relationship, on our way of living and therefore on our surroundings. And our surroundings did reflect our way of being.
Now, by dealing with these hurts and therefore letting down the shields again, I saw things more clearly and the thoughts about my courtyard did change. I wanted to sit outside again; I wanted it to be a beautiful place and decided that I am the one who will make it. I claimed back my courtyard and what it stands for.
So firstly I made the decision that we need new furniture. I wanted something that I can easily handle, light and beautiful furniture. So my partner and I made an appointment with each other, looked for some new furniture and ordered that together.
Then I felt to clear the ground for this lovely new stuff and cleaned the floor, step by step. I thought, it will be easy and quick with cleaning up here but the mud that came up was more than expected (he he – good analogy again) and I needed more than triple of the time I expected.
What I learned is, it needs some commitment and dedication to claim back what I’ve given up on for a while…
Parallel to my ‘claiming back’, I shared the journey about the courtyard on social media and let everyone know about it. I posted pictures of me while working on it, from the mud that came up as well as the ‘ready to sit in a beautiful place’ pictures. And so a lot of people did participate on our journey and also contribute with comments and appreciation.
The old place was given some love again and so it shows. We both, my husband and I, are enjoying very much our ‘new’ surrounding, which reflects our choice to open up again – to each other and the world – and we are looking forward to receive guests in real life and not only via Internet.
BEFORE the Courtyard had been claimed back.
AFTER the Courtyard had been claimed back.
But anyway, it is an openness and love that we claimed back into our life and it is beautiful to share this. I realise how much we are made to connect and celebrate our connection. The moment I withdrew from someone and/or life – I am in fact withdrawn from my natural way of being.
By Sandra Schneider, Germany
Further Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
Letting go of the past is true medicine
Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself
595 Comments
This reflects very clearly that if we don’t deal with the little niggles in life they can escalate and become a problem between us.
This is a fascinating read as it clearly demonstrates what taking on just one hurt can do and when we are growing up we take on many hurts from our parents, family, friends and school life. They all build up in our bodies over time and change our perception of life so that the openness we had as children closes down behind a wall of protection. No wonder we are so screwed up as adults, as we put up walls of protection to keep each other out so as not to get hurt and then we miss out on connecting to people on a deep level and so can become lonely and bitter towards ourselves and everyone else.
100% agree on that last line. One area of withdrawal affects everything. Open up from that and it all opens up.
An awesome claiming in many ways ?✨❤️ loved the photos too.
Every part of homes needs to be claimed for the space they are, its up to us to allow magic and love to fill every millimetre.
So true.
‘… with cleaning up here but the mud that came up was more than expected’. Quite often when we deal with a hurt, we only dealing with the surface of something that has many layers. I have often been surprised by how deeply I have carried something, but there has been appreciation and celebration when I have finally let it all go!
As we deepen our feelings about what we are bringing to our lives our environment will naturally change by what we do and how we place and position our belongings. Simple as you have shared Sandra.
Every part of our home is precious, I love making even the darkest corner tidy and clean.
If we are not connected to ourselves then how can we connect to another? The beauty of committing to the connection to ourselves is that we commit to the connection with others even if another is not connected or living in separation; we offer connection.
This is true, it does take love and commitment to claim back a part of our lives that we had temporarily given up on, ‘What I learned is, it needs some commitment and dedication to claim back what I’ve given up on for a while…’.
The results of doing this can be clearly seen and reflected in the physical transformation of the courtyard. To claim. part of our lives back that we have neglected changes everything on the inside.
The love that comes through us into everything we do is what also greets us back. We limit the love that we allow through when we hold on to hurts and close down in protection – however little we may think it is. Wonderful example offered here of how vital it is to not ignore, but deal with our hurts and issues.
This is such a beautiful analogy for claiming back the spaciousness of life when we address our hurts and how if we are willing to go ever deeper there is always more to explore and expand into.
Inreresting point about withdrawing from any aspect or area of life and not committing: we think we leave behind an empty space that does nothing; but that empty space is like a drain on our energy and vitality: always there in the back of our minds to address and do something about. When we finally get around to addressing it, so often it takes far less time than we’d imagined and feels incredibly light and revitalising afterwards. Thank you for sharing how addressing one area of your life led to more celebration and love in your life: more space to connect and share with others.
Love the before and afters both in the courtyard and with yourselves and your relationship … very cool. When we take the time to look at something that is there either in ourselves or a relationship which could be something we are holding onto or a hurt etc and let this go huge shifts can happen
It is always important to grow and deepen in our relationships. In fact there is never any end point or peak to it. It just keeps on growing and deepening. It is only us that get in the way and limit it; delay how deep it will go.
I love the openness and intimacy in this article, how would the world be if we were open with each other like this, learning, sharing, being inspired….so often we hold back, but there is love in abundance to share, live and be inspired by. Thank you for this, claiming back a way of living which brings love to its core and from this is shared with all.
Thank you Sandra and Samantha. In claiming back your courtyard you are expanding the loving space you have to share with all as a reflection of what it is to not hold back.
There is love in abundance to share, live and be inspired by, I love this sharing Samantha, and yes to, ‘claiming back a way of living which brings love to its core and from this is shared with all.’
“I claimed back my courtyard and what it stands for.” Thank you for the invitation to share in your project to shine the light and love into your lives.
This is a great reminder to not leave anything in disarray and what amazing opportunities we might be missing by leaving aspects of our life unattended. If every part of our life has an aspect we can learn from then it’s worth paying attention to all the details in every area of our lives, homes and work.
It is all those little pockets in life we have withdrawn from and neglect are the ones holding us back from fully engaging in life.
I have just painted the floor in my bathroom and the bath panel and the beams in the hall and beams in some of the bedrooms. It feels so different now. Entering the house it feels so much lighter. I had not considered that I was reclaiming my house but actually that is actually how it feels.
Lovely sharing Elaine. Would be interesting to become aware what part of your body and or life is reflected by this.
We deserve to have love in every area of our lives and our homes are a great reflection of areas we may neglect or don’t put so much effort into.
When we neglect to water our inner garden and let bloom the magnificence of its buds, we give far too much space for the wanton weeds and moss to move in and stake claim over this, our most sacred space.
Looking at the before and after photos I can clearly see how they reflect your relationship, a relationship that was able to blossom once again after you had finally acknowledged the old and un-dealt with ‘stuff’ that was holding the blossoming back. It goes to show that everything around us is constantly passing us messages, all we need to do is stop, look, listen and learn.
Love that one: all we have to do is stop, look, listen and learn. So simple. So true.
This blog was beautiful to come back to… to feel your joy and the reclaiming of your space that was made new, vibrant and full again.