Recently I realised in my home place, how much we had let our courtyard down – honestly said, it was in a mess. The floor was full of moss, grass and leaves, the outside furniture reflected themselves from scruffy to rotten, and bushes as well as weeds looked like taking over control.
I was looking at this reflection in my life and realised how much my husband and I had withdrawn from here… We did let down the service AND the joy of using the courtyard.
I remembered myself having thoughts like “Outside there are too many insects that disturb me” and “I need someone to clear this mess, but who?” or “I am too busy and have no time for this.” I could see how these thoughts did support a choice I have made: the choice to withdraw from life.
How did that come about?
A few years ago my husband and I were challenged by a group experience where we were left feeling hurt. We recovered and were back on track (we thought) and did go on. It all looked like we had settled back and overcome this experience… yes, it looked like we learned out of it. And in a way we did – and in another way we did not heal the situation completely and so did hold onto a hurt.
This little hurt did hide quite well between our everyday living challenges and caused a maintenance of protection which was in fact called to deal with. But hidden as it was, we did not deal with it. So, hidden it stayed and we went on…
Two years later my partner and I found ourselves in situations where we were not loving with each other, not supporting ourselves in a way that was necessary, and finally after a few drama contributions, we asked a relationship-counselling couple for help. They offered us the reading of that there is still something going on from this group experience, a hurt left over so to speak, and with that the trying to protect ourselves that is now what continues to stand between us both.
We were surprised, but by engaging in this opportunity and then dealing with it we were able to see the shields we did hold for ourselves in protection.
These shields made us unable to connect deeper and build on an intimate level. We did hold each other at a distance, so to not get hurt again, but because we as humans are made to develop, we felt the missing growth and so here we are.
Well, that journey is worth an extra article but here I’d like to talk about how this choice, to hold onto a hurt (and hide it), had a large influence on our relationship, on our way of living and therefore on our surroundings. And our surroundings did reflect our way of being.
Now, by dealing with these hurts and therefore letting down the shields again, I saw things more clearly and the thoughts about my courtyard did change. I wanted to sit outside again; I wanted it to be a beautiful place and decided that I am the one who will make it. I claimed back my courtyard and what it stands for.
So firstly I made the decision that we need new furniture. I wanted something that I can easily handle, light and beautiful furniture. So my partner and I made an appointment with each other, looked for some new furniture and ordered that together.
Then I felt to clear the ground for this lovely new stuff and cleaned the floor, step by step. I thought, it will be easy and quick with cleaning up here but the mud that came up was more than expected (he he – good analogy again) and I needed more than triple of the time I expected.
What I learned is, it needs some commitment and dedication to claim back what I’ve given up on for a while…
Parallel to my ‘claiming back’, I shared the journey about the courtyard on social media and let everyone know about it. I posted pictures of me while working on it, from the mud that came up as well as the ‘ready to sit in a beautiful place’ pictures. And so a lot of people did participate on our journey and also contribute with comments and appreciation.
The old place was given some love again and so it shows. We both, my husband and I, are enjoying very much our ‘new’ surrounding, which reflects our choice to open up again – to each other and the world – and we are looking forward to receive guests in real life and not only via Internet.
BEFORE the Courtyard had been claimed back.
AFTER the Courtyard had been claimed back.
But anyway, it is an openness and love that we claimed back into our life and it is beautiful to share this. I realise how much we are made to connect and celebrate our connection. The moment I withdrew from someone and/or life – I am in fact withdrawn from my natural way of being.
By Sandra Schneider, Germany
Further Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
Letting go of the past is true medicine
Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself
595 Comments
This is a great before and after. Looking at the picture, you can feel the love held in the after picture of the courtyard which is a refection of the process that you both went through to re build not only the courtyard, but to take your relationship to the next level.
I found it hard to read the article because I couldn’t get past the picture of you and your husband. 🙂
🙂 – it was a rainy day and I was a bit disabled because of a slipped disc and so I had to lie..but we had some fun with the self-stick and off cause with our relationship. Connecting and intimacy, the commitment to expand together is such a joy! And it is a joy to share as well.
By that way – thank you for your lovely openhearted photo here Nikki! Touching my heart and is a joy as well!
There is a great reflection here how everything affects everything else and there are reasons our physical space may in part be neglected or left to stagnate which stem from hidden issues unresolved within us. This clear message is easy to appreciate, but there is a deeper message between the lines and this is when there is already a strong foundation of love built, then the weeds and mud can be exposed, worked with and cleared in a joy-full and grace-full way, not in a way which is forced, strained or resentful.
We all seem to have these piles in life, of undealt with stuff which we think we can carry on with and turn a ‘blind eye’ to. But really what we do is make ourselves blind to the truth – that they are hurting and holding back us and Love in our life. I love the beautiful way you illustrate how these ‘piles’ of junk play out in our physical world to mirror what is inside, and how when you want to truly deal with the hunk that is in you, everything around can truly change in the most beautiful ways. Thank you Sandra for this gorgeous sharing.
Gorgeous Sharing Joseph, and yes indeed, life is one big mirror and our houses, cupboards, gardens and cars all reflect exactly where we are at. I have found that when I have cleared or healed something from the inside, I start cleaning and re-arranging things and furniture in my house.
Such a beautiful sharing Sandra. It was clear to me whilst reading that we are all vessels, and we do think like we like to think we do. Your thoughts were brought about by the hurts that were still carried and hence the change that comes from healing these hurts. Makes me wonder just how many of the thoughts we have really are from our essence or from the unhealed repercussions of past hurts.
Yes. This experience did support me to not so much trust into my thoughts but in my reflections. Or better: I learned that my thoughts are a reflection of my state of being and a result of previous choices and actions.
You are showing us, Sandra, that any hurts we may be hiding are reflected in all areas of our life. Everything is everything.
The state of the spaces we live and work in reflect everything about ourselves back to us. What a grand and beautiful reclamation of love, order and ritual can be felt in courtyard. Thanks for sharing. it’s a joy for me to see.
Very beautiful sharing Sandra, thank you. It really teaches how a certain situation we are in can be caused by a choice we made long long ago, so it is wise to not judge ourselves but look at what might have caused a situation to be the way it is.
Holding onto hurts clouds our perception of situations and connection with others. I’ve found if left unresolved hurts fester away, many times unbeknowningly affecting all parts of our lives. I love how you looked deeper into what your relationship with the outside area was, and what had been allowed to get in the way. Very inspiring Sandra, there are definitely a few areas for us to look at and claim back.
What a beautiful courtyard with an outlook to a park. What a beautiful place to live.
This is gorgeous Sandra and knowing you as the playful Women you are I am graced by your experience and I get to see and feel you even more than before. What a great sharing.
What a great reflection of how closing down on one area, keeping an hurt, not dealing with an issue, affects all other areas too. It is as if the light and warmth starts to seep away from everything, and conversely when we choose to open up again everything starts to bloom once more
I agree Golnaz. It is like by withdrawing from life – and be it ‘just aspects of it – we move back into shadow and undernourishment. And so we hold back our natural unfolding and blossoming.
‘I realise how much we are made to connect and celebrate our connection. The moment I withdrew from someone and/or life – I am in fact withdrawn from my natural way of being.’ – Beautiful Sandra, I can very much relate to what you are sharing. Withdrawal has been a big part of my life, in fact I saw it as a necessity to ‘survive’ in the world… little did I know that the more I withdrew the more ailien and awkward I would feel. Thanks to Serge Benhayon and his life changing teachings, I have realised that the only thing that will ever make me feel ‘at home’ in the world, is if I choose to truly connect to myself and everyone else equally, i.e. let them see who I am.
‘Withdrawal has been a big part of my life, in fact I saw it as a necessity to ‘survive’ in the world’. Yes this been my habit too Eva, and just recently this going into survival mode has come up again for me to truly heal and choose differently and that is to choose trust and to stay with myself in other words to stay present and in my body. Work in progress it is but slowly and surely, I find I am tapping into my playfulness as lately I can feel that I had went into serious mode!
Yes. We are the ones who bring the difference into the world. If I sit at home and wait that the world will change so I can trust it to get out there…I will wait forever. Who shall bring the changes if not we?! This is the beauty of taking responsibility. It is not that I can wait for my anxiety to go and then I will move – I move, and anxiety will melt.
This shows that everything is connected and that that what happens in one area of our life has an influence on all areas of our life.
Hear hear Esther – so true, everything is connected and the ripples of our actions travel wide.
Our homes are such a learning point for how we live. Thank you for sharing another part of our homes that can often be ignored or not seen as important as the main living area. Your renovations were a reminder of how we need to dig deeper to get to the root cause that often gets buried over years when it comes to the disconnections and hurt that we can carry.
I love how you have taken the serious topic of hurt in relationships and reflected in such a lighthearted way. it makes healing only but one choice away!
Gorgeous blog. Thank you for sharing the joy of opening up and reclaiming your connection with yourself and others.
We all benefit from connecting and dealing with our every unresolved hurt.
‘but because we as humans are made to develop, we felt the missing growth and so here we are.’ I love this Sandra. When we close down to evolving we stagnate and therefore a whole host of complications creep in. Gorgeous that you were able to use your courtyard as a reflection for the deeper issue at hand and be open to what it was showing you.
I love what you share, thank you so much; how we behave with one set of people affects how we behave with every other person, including our closest ones. I find this makes total sense, but is not commonly realised in full as yet.
The story shows how, if we choose to see everything as a reflection, how much the world around us reflects back to us, for us to see, if we so choose.
The pictures of the courtyard – and of you two – are very lovely indeed.
Sandra this highlights how if we don’t deal with what comes up for us in full – then it can hang around to express itself in other ways later on. Wow what amazing support you guys had to face the hurts you had not let go of. That is such a healing for yourselves and your relationship, and the new claimed courtyard is a reflection of this. It shows me to not hold onto anything and to keep talking about where I am at with my partner.
You have opened a conversation here Sandra that is giving me the space to reflect on my own ways of shielding myself from my hurts. I can particularly feel how doing this is a very different feeling in my body to how I feel when I am with myself and open to whatever comes. Thank you.
Sandra, thank you for this beautiful reflection. Withdrawing is like shutting down or cutting off the oxygen supply and what results is that things start to die. I agree that this is not our natural way, we are born to Iive in unity, to be unified and when that is the case we thrive – much like your garden.
‘the result is that things start to die’ – yes Christine, they die. Courtyards, parts of houses, the garage, the garden, finances, relationships – they die. But dying is not an end. All is energy and so nothing can really totally go away or vanish. So the energy of ‘withdrawing’ does in fact put things and relationships into disgrace and this energy does stay or get worse till I change it again. We see this with the world today. We think we can leave the rubbish we are responsible for deep in the earth, in other countries or just that we throw it out of the window, but in fact the energy of responsibility for our rubbish does not leave us. We can’t throw this away, can’t get away from it. We have to take it – sooner or later. That’s the only choice we have.
“And our surroundings did reflect our way of being.” This is so so true as if I look at the way I used to keep my house compared to how I do now it is very different and is simply a refection of my own development. However what I have seen from reading this and had previously been trying to ignore is the last 2 houses I have lived in I have not got on top of the garden and it has bothered me but have found it hard to change. Now I am left asking what is going on in me that is blocking these steps? So thank you Sandra, awesome.
When we withdraw from a certain area of life, what is underneath, what is there to feel? Questions I will take away with me after reading this as I know there are areas in my life I have withdrawn from. Thank you Sandra.
So beautiful to feel what is going on here and how clearing the overload of accumulated rubbish that we build up in and around ourselves can make such a difference in how we are and how we are with others. Thank you for this Sandra
Yeah, it is fascinating how the things we hold on to and the disorder we create is present and does stand between us and another person, creating separation. And thereby we are longing for connection….
It is fascinating to me to observe how our living environment is a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves and therefore with others. Also what you’ve shared about your hurts and how that affected your relationship, this is very supportive for me to read. I recognise this in my life too and can see so clearly what is playing out with some of my relationships. Brilliant blog Sandra, I found it very inspiring and a beautiful read. Thank you! And I love the new courtyard make-over.
We think we can close down from some people in life and be open to others. But energetically that is never possible. When we hold onto things between ourselves and our partner it is also alive between us and a group and vica versa. It is all the same. They get all the same level of love or not. It is how much our heart is open to love.
What a beautiful sharing Sandra and what a beautiful transformation of your courtyard! If your courtyard is a refection of your relationship then the stunning-ness of your connection is clear to see. It is astounding of how our un-dealt with hurts can manifest in other pockets of our lives without us joining the dots.
I love your sharing Sandra. It is interesting how our outer surroundings can reflect our inner stillness – or turmoil…… and we can never truly bury issues.
Sandra, I love this article, ‘And our surroundings did reflect our way of being.’ I can feel how true this is, when I’m feeling myself – open and loving then I notice how my surroundings are and I feel impulsed to clear and make them feel ordered and supportive, when I’m feeling caught up in issues and not feeling great I notice how my surroundings reflect this, that I let the house go, it becomes messy and disorganized much like how I am feeling, so yes I can feel how our houses and gardens are a reflection of how we are.
You can really feel the difference in the two photos. I love this because it is something I have been asking myself over the last few days, what is there hiding that I have not dealt with? As I have been really aware of a feeling in the right side of my body telling me this. I guess we only start to feel/see unresolved hurts and things like this when we are willing and ready to! It also shows how the inside reflects the outside, which says a lot about us as humanity and the state of the world currently. Every change like this is a ripple and another reflection to the world for more true healing to take place.
Wow what a fascinating tale of hurts and shields being reflected in the disregard of your courtyard, the place to connect to the outside world. Love it! What a great sharing and so useful to then to look at what my home is reflecting back to me, especially this area you describe as ours is also quite shabby.
‘I realise how much we are made to connect and celebrate our connection. The moment I withdrew from someone and/or life – I am in fact withdrawn from my natural way of being.’ – Yes and in our drawing back in one aspect of life we are in fact withdraw in all aspects, nothing is isolated. – love the new courtyard!
This reminds me of how we have to be constantly aware of whether we are truly celebrating another, or pulling back in any way, as everything is being registered.
Sandra what is amazing about your sharing is how it shows that everything is connected to everything else, from one experience that affected your relationships not only with your partner but also an area of your home. As you chose not to shut down but open up in one area it opened up all areas. Simple yet incredibly powerful and something that shows we can’t live in parts and think we are truly living.
Yeah. We may try to sweep the one or other thing under the carpet, but this carpet is the foundation we stay on…or fall down to when the ground becomes to disharmonic….
A few weeks ago on a Monday I was feeling utterly exhausted and luckily enough I had a session with a great practitioner booked. When I shared how unwell I felt, he said “what happened at the weekend?” I started to share a phone call I had had at the weekend and burst into tears. I had not realised how much this apparently insignificant incident had upset me – in fact I hadn’t even realised it had upset me and yet here I was carrying a huge hurt that was exhausting me. As soon as I expressed it, it was gone. It is something of a miracle to me that I can still at times carry around a hurt like that without even realising it, just as you describe here, and it is exhausting!
Great how you describe this Nicola! Yes, we carry a hurt and it takes some energy and space from us, leads us to us exhaustion and limitation. Being not aware of this interplay is dangerous and makes us disempowered. How great to have some reflections around which support us in ‘take a look!’.
It is interesting to observe the pockets in our life where we let go of things. Often we think that these things do not affect us, but given that everything is energy, everything counts. I can feel the whole of my shared flat within my body. When one room is not attended to or loved, I can feel how much it affects the whole home. What this reminds me of is that everything requires an equal amount of attention.
Thank you Sandra. It is such a good point that if we withdraw from one area in our lives we withdraw from life. There can be no pockets left unattended to, and if this is the case it is a great reflection for us to take a look at what is going on.
Wow Sandra this is beautiful and so reflective I really love and appreciate your sharing and smile. The joy, commitment and hard work of clearing up reviving places and claiming back every little detail and hidden place is something I love too and have spent my life with and the sharing of this with others and this beautiful sharing from you from a deep knowing of you, is really very precious to read and offers huge appreciation, love and so much more to ponder on for all. Thank you.
Oh yes Tricia, you do that ‘professional’ ! And I can see the healing that is brought to a place by clearing and appreciating it – bring it to full bloom so to speak – and so this healing is offered to the humans who live in it.
When we hold onto our hurts, we contract and withdraw from life constricting ourselves by way of how we move (sleep, eat, converse, think, act etc.) so that the whole geometry of us is changed and before we are even aware, we are moving in such a way that creates angles that do not support the expression of our true selves. Dealing with these hurts creates space, for we are allowing ourselves to release that which does not truly belong to us. With this space comes grace – the freedom to breathe our own breath once again. This is a great sharing of this process Sandra and I love the photos….ahhh.
I experience exactly this ‘geometry’ in the last weeks Liane. I am on a body-work program to heal my slipped disc and found a lovely practitioner who does not just support my muscles but also my self-appreciation. With the increasing claiming of my worth/preciousness and let it shine through, my geometry of life has and does change a lot. I feel more our all equality and be more open to people and in meetings. Its a pure grace for me. I did and do let go of hurts which opens up the space for deeper love, understanding and intimacy. A natural playfulness and innocence comes back into my everyday living and this affects others who are with me as well. So the constellations of my life and relationships changes to a more healthy and harmonious way of living…. – I feel like I rock the world a bit with that. 🙂
Liane I love your analogy with geometry. Holding on to our hurts makes us thorny and spiky with many angles that cannot attract, love or show openness to other people. It is a powerful image that I ‘ll keep at the forefront in my mind. I haven’t read blogs in a while but finding this one and your comment truly made my day. A big thank you.
Your great sharing Liane has supported me to understand the reason why emotions are so harmful for our bodies. All emotions cause physical contraction. Even happiness is a form of contraction. A contracted body then pulls in contracted thoughts, which in turn lead to a contracted body and so it repeats and repeats, continually blocking our access to the truth.
What is so incredible is that this can occur at such a subtle level, in highly aware people. It shows how familiar we are with being awkward and restricted in our movements, and how easily we accept a geometry that constricts and constrains us. Hence how important it is that we take this seriously and value everything that is happening in our lives and not trivialise a single thing.
If Sandra had not paid attention to her courtyard, not only would it have stayed a barren and empty place, that barrenness would have remained and could have spread like slow seeping poison in her relationship. It is by this means that so many relationships end up at lonely and distant destinations that bear no relationship to the deep love they felt for each other at the start.
The analogy of tending our relationships as we would a garden (or a courtyard) is an old one, and true. This care can not be superficial or tokenistic, rather if we want our love to flourish, we must dig deep into the soil and feed it with our care, respect and the richness of our presence. This is how we flourish in our partnerships.
Great Sharing Sandra. It so important to really look at everything life is showing us, as if we bury 1 hurt then it can still affect everything else we do. Amazing to see your relationship with your courtyard and how that has changed and is now flourishing. It would be worth observing how we feel when going to different places and asking why we have those thoughts like “I’m too busy, I don’t want the insects” etc as it could change our life.