Yesterday when I phoned a close friend in the South Island, I realised that it was not the ‘real me’ talking to her, even though our conversation had been ‘normal’. We have known each other for many years, see each other about twice a year and speak on the phone about once a fortnight.
When I got off the phone I felt really ‘yuk’. She had mentioned during the conversation that she was used to me being ‘bossy’ and that it was okay with her. This added to my yukkiness as it did not feel okay with me.
I know in the past I have been bossy and appeared ‘all knowing’, and that seems to be how some close friends and my family tend to perceive me. In the past this has made me feel important and I guess it has given me some form of recognition, but recently I have been feeling more uncomfortable with it and realise it is not the real me.
So I asked myself, why was it when talking to her yesterday (and probably most other times I talk to her) do I slip into old patterns of conversation?
Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?
It is partly about the fear of losing her friendship, as other friendships have dropped off in the last 2-3 years since I have made significant changes in my life. Out of habit I phone her regularly, but this is also about trying to hold onto our friendship as I feel that I could lose her friendship if we don’t have regular contact. I have also noticed that I don’t carefully discern the time I am phoning her – I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.
As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.
Although I am developing a connection to and a love for myself, which I have not previously had, I still struggle to express that to others and allow them to feel the real me. It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!
It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations. However, these are all things I am now working on and I feel that I am learning to live differently and generally have a greater awareness of the energy I am in before having a conversation, either at home or at work.
I truly appreciate the workshops, personal healing sessions and the people I have met through Universal Medicine who continue to support me to be the real me so that my reflection can be felt – not only by my close friends and family – but by all with whom I come into contact.
By Anne Hishon, Tauranga, New Zealand
429 Comments
True friendship as is true family is based on vibration.
True friendships are built on absolute honesty and openness.
I am practicing not pandering in relationships, which can feel a little hard at times but it also feels incredibly clean, clear and ‘dry’. When I pander or sympathise it feels muddled and somehow wet or soggy in some way. One supports us both to evolve and the other keeps us treading water, going nowhere.
Anne this is such a pertinent article for me to read today as I am meeting a friend who I have known a very long time and yet a friend that I know I am not being the real me with. Our conversations often take a familiar and at times almost uniform direction. I have been aware of this for a really long time and yet not addressed it. Things have come to a head recently and it is glaringly obvious to us both that things need to change. I am inspired by what you have shared to simply meet today, whilst dedicating myself to just being me with no investment in whether the friendship continues or how it might look if it does.
I love how you expose the investments we have in longer standing relationships and how this can affect our behaviour within them. Becoming more aware of this offers the opportunity to change patterns/habits of interacting that I have certainly hidden behind in the past but am now becoming more willing to challenge and release their hold on me.
We definitely change as we develop through life and each decade brings a different focus. It is fantastic to recognise and appreciate that and not revert to old patterns for fear of others noticing the changes, and we can understand that they too will change. Dropping old ways and evolving is definitely the way to go through life.
Friends that have known us a long time do notice when things start to change especially if we start making more self-loving choices, but I do understand about falling back into old patterns depending on who I am relating too.
It can be very interesting the choices we make out of habit but it is even more interesting when we stop and discern what is truly going on. A relationship either offers expansion or comfort and it is down to us as to what we choose from our moment to moment movements.
Thank you Anne, this has me wondering if I do this still – if I am not absolutely me whomever I am with – and how much of me am I willing to show. Great points to ponder on
The quality we express to another in is everything, it can be upholding the utmost integrity and respect and understanding of another or it can be lowered through needs, personal preferences and/or gossip. It is for us to learn the difference and from there choose which way is most important to ourselves.
We often play the protection game and keep the “real me” exclusively under lock and key to the select few but this also affects the subsequent quality of ALL our interactions including with ourselves. Being open with everyone is the ONLY way to ensure we bring the real self to what we do.