Yesterday when I phoned a close friend in the South Island, I realised that it was not the ‘real me’ talking to her, even though our conversation had been ‘normal’. We have known each other for many years, see each other about twice a year and speak on the phone about once a fortnight.
When I got off the phone I felt really ‘yuk’. She had mentioned during the conversation that she was used to me being ‘bossy’ and that it was okay with her. This added to my yukkiness as it did not feel okay with me.
I know in the past I have been bossy and appeared ‘all knowing’, and that seems to be how some close friends and my family tend to perceive me. In the past this has made me feel important and I guess it has given me some form of recognition, but recently I have been feeling more uncomfortable with it and realise it is not the real me.
So I asked myself, why was it when talking to her yesterday (and probably most other times I talk to her) do I slip into old patterns of conversation?
Why am I afraid to show my close friend the real me?
It is partly about the fear of losing her friendship, as other friendships have dropped off in the last 2-3 years since I have made significant changes in my life. Out of habit I phone her regularly, but this is also about trying to hold onto our friendship as I feel that I could lose her friendship if we don’t have regular contact. I have also noticed that I don’t carefully discern the time I am phoning her – I am often tired, less aware of ‘me’, and find it easy to slip into the gossipy conversation we sometimes have.
As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.
Although I am developing a connection to and a love for myself, which I have not previously had, I still struggle to express that to others and allow them to feel the real me. It seems to be harder to reflect the real me honestly with family and close friends who have known me a long time, as not only do I slip into old patterns, but they expect me to still be in those patterns!
It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations. However, these are all things I am now working on and I feel that I am learning to live differently and generally have a greater awareness of the energy I am in before having a conversation, either at home or at work.
I truly appreciate the workshops, personal healing sessions and the people I have met through Universal Medicine who continue to support me to be the real me so that my reflection can be felt – not only by my close friends and family – but by all with whom I come into contact.
By Anne Hishon, Tauranga, New Zealand
425 Comments
True friendship as is true family is based on vibration.
True friendships are built on absolute honesty and openness.
I am practicing not pandering in relationships, which can feel a little hard at times but it also feels incredibly clean, clear and ‘dry’. When I pander or sympathise it feels muddled and somehow wet or soggy in some way. One supports us both to evolve and the other keeps us treading water, going nowhere.
Anne this is such a pertinent article for me to read today as I am meeting a friend who I have known a very long time and yet a friend that I know I am not being the real me with. Our conversations often take a familiar and at times almost uniform direction. I have been aware of this for a really long time and yet not addressed it. Things have come to a head recently and it is glaringly obvious to us both that things need to change. I am inspired by what you have shared to simply meet today, whilst dedicating myself to just being me with no investment in whether the friendship continues or how it might look if it does.
I love how you expose the investments we have in longer standing relationships and how this can affect our behaviour within them. Becoming more aware of this offers the opportunity to change patterns/habits of interacting that I have certainly hidden behind in the past but am now becoming more willing to challenge and release their hold on me.
We definitely change as we develop through life and each decade brings a different focus. It is fantastic to recognise and appreciate that and not revert to old patterns for fear of others noticing the changes, and we can understand that they too will change. Dropping old ways and evolving is definitely the way to go through life.
Friends that have known us a long time do notice when things start to change especially if we start making more self-loving choices, but I do understand about falling back into old patterns depending on who I am relating too.
It can be very interesting the choices we make out of habit but it is even more interesting when we stop and discern what is truly going on. A relationship either offers expansion or comfort and it is down to us as to what we choose from our moment to moment movements.
Thank you Anne, this has me wondering if I do this still – if I am not absolutely me whomever I am with – and how much of me am I willing to show. Great points to ponder on
The quality we express to another in is everything, it can be upholding the utmost integrity and respect and understanding of another or it can be lowered through needs, personal preferences and/or gossip. It is for us to learn the difference and from there choose which way is most important to ourselves.
We often play the protection game and keep the “real me” exclusively under lock and key to the select few but this also affects the subsequent quality of ALL our interactions including with ourselves. Being open with everyone is the ONLY way to ensure we bring the real self to what we do.
We do so much thinking that will get us something, whether it is keeping a friend or getting attention. Whereas the only thing that offers everyone more love is us being ourselves, without holding back. As soon as there is a picture, a need or an ideal, love is gone and we bring an imposition to the relationship. There is nothing greater than holding another in love and being held in love (without any need or outcome whatsoever, to true observation).
Yesterday someone asked me how it would be if I would allow myself to love other people as much as I really love people, which is endless and that would mean being the real me, all the time. No calibrating, thinking it will be too much for others and they won’t be able to handle it just love them to the bone. Now I give myself permission to do it with certain people or at certain occasions, for example when I have a wedding ceremony and I am allowed to speak about love. I feel so much space in my body when I feel into it and I will go and experiment with it.
This sentence really stood out for me Anne – “It feels easier to be the real me with new people in my life who are without these expectations.” It is something I have been pondering on recently myself. It is great to have this question raised and to have the opportunity and willingness to look more deeply within to understand why this is the case, and to start to embrace everyone with the same openness.
It is really great when we become aware of patterns that are not loving, ‘As I am writing this I am aware of the huge need I have had over the years to have ‘friends’, and that I have expected these friendships to fill my emptiness.’
I certainly relate to having close friends who I am not my total self with because I am scared to claim in full the changes I have made. Reading this blog highlights that if we hold back being who we truly are then we actually keep this from people we love and don’t give them the reflection that we will be ourselves no matter what
And this is deeply exhausting not fun at all. Better off being your true self and have fun not holding it back.
Thank you Anne, I really appreciated reading this blog today as it’s something I am also aware of right now, not being able to always be the real and full me with others. One thing I hadn’t considered are the existing patterns I go into and that others might expect that of me too.
It is great that you have felt this and what I have found is when we are developing our own connection and relationship with ourselves sometimes while this is unfolding it can be a bit ‘bumpy’ with others. As the walls of protection start to come down it is like learning to walk again .. to be in a different way with others. And I can really relate to what you share about calling friends when really what was needed to be done in that moment was to have just been with me. If we crave connection and look for this in any shape or form on the outside even with a telephone call to a friend or family, guaranteed the conversation will not be that great as on some level we are coming from a place of emptiness.
I have been known as bossy…I have realised that the more I am understanding and loving with myself the less I try and control and dictate in everyone else’s life. I am noticeably less controlling and so-called bossy now. The only way to drop habits that harm is with love and choosing a responsible way of life.
This is a great insight and understanding that you share with us Samantha, ‘I have realised that the more I am understanding and loving with myself the less I try and control and dictate in everyone else’s life.’
The more we are willing to live the truth of who we are with no perfection the more we give others the permission to do so whilst offering even more depth of conversation for us all to heal, confirm or appreciate.
It is interesting how, when there is function only in a relationship then there is no loving quality to it. And I guess the key here is to allow the functionality of life, yes. But to also be responsible for the quality that underpins everything, making function just a mere expression of that quality – be it: loving, gentle, cherishing, joyous, playful, committed, dedicated, discerning, stern. Whatever it is to be expressed can be done so in that activity of function. So life does not stop, we just always make sure that what is needed in that moment is given without reservation through our expressive nature.
A true friendship for me now is one where the truth is openly and honesty expressed and full transparency is shared, allowing evolution, inspiration and the power of what the constellation has to offer, to be at the heart of the relationship.
Very beautiful Carola, I love what you’ve shared. This is the same for me too and I deeply appreciate the friendships I have where we support each other to evolve.
We can have many patterns between friends we are in the first place not even aware how we keep pleasing each other.
It is great to unravel patterns that are not part of our evolution.
To just chat to chat is never uplifting but makes us tired.
To be honest to our friend is the best gift we can give.
What I have observed in my life is that the friends I have know for long, I am now sharing myself with as I have changed like from a billion angles, nevertheless it is so gorgeous to share with people who know you for so long, more of what they have potentially felt in you any way, our essence, even if it was just a little.. The thing that is adventurous is to deepen the relationships with the friends you know so well, as it asks us to let go of patterns and behaviors we have used for so long. But oh so powerful to break the cycles and introduce more space and love into that friendship.
When we have moments like this and feel the extent and rawness of not living our truth it is important we do not beat ourselves up or go into self judgement. The harm from that is way worse.
I think it’s brilliant that you can even recognise that you didn’t feel yourself talking to your friend, how often do we just slightly adjust our manner or tone or what we say when we talk to different people without even paying attention. If we can see it then we can change it.
So true Meg, with more awareness we are able to make changes to support us. Whereas if we are not tapping to our awareness, then it is easy to stay stuck in our old patterns and behaviours that may not be loving.
Friendships have the constant ability to offer us evolution – in every conversation and interaction we have we have a choice to develop that connection deeper, when we do go there the magic starts to really happen.
It certainly does Sam. When we experience this level of connection in our friendship we also get to feel a sense of brotherhood.
I find that at work I hold back showing and expressing all that I know and a greater depth of me. I play myself down, become the jokester and speak in a way that does not allow others to access a part of me that I hold dear and that if I shared this with others would also give them permission to share those parts of them.
Connection is everything. It supports us through thick and thin and allows us to see the deeper part of us, that we no longer have to deny.