My husband and I had very different upbringings with two very different sets of ideals and beliefs about how a relationship and marriage ‘should’ look – which often led to conflict.
For example, we had different ideas about how:
- a woman ‘should’ be as a wife
- a woman ‘should’ be as a mother
- a husband ‘should’ be as a partner, and
- a man ‘should’ be the provider.
We were both unhappy, blaming the other for the way things were. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for the way our relationship was. We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.
The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe.
Once we realised that this approach did not bring us closer to each other, we started to look for another way; we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that.
Starting to take Responsibility – Listening without Reacting
As both of us started to take responsibility for what we were creating, slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening. We began talking honestly and openly with each other about the hurts that certain situations brought up for us and what we were feeling and why.
Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.
This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.
A Deep Commitment and Re-connection to Self
At the same time we both worked on a commitment to self first, recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, and becoming more aware of how these affected the other. By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.
A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.
The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.
I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on. It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.
A true commitment is:
- based on love, where all are equal, and no one is left feeling lesser
- embracing everything in and with unity, without separation, judgement or control
- about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so.
In a committed relationship we are constantly open to sharing and expressing what is felt and what is needed.
Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.
The presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are where the tools to work on and build our relationship to be one of love are offered to us. It is with these tools that we have now created a true relationship, based on love. And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.
by Nicole Serafin, 41 years, Tintenbar, NSW, Australia