My husband and I had very different upbringings with two very different sets of ideals and beliefs about how a relationship and marriage ‘should’ look – which often led to conflict.
For example, we had different ideas about how:
- a woman ‘should’ be as a wife
- a woman ‘should’ be as a mother
- a husband ‘should’ be as a partner, and
- a man ‘should’ be the provider.
We were both unhappy, blaming the other for the way things were. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for the way our relationship was. We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.
The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe.
Once we realised that this approach did not bring us closer to each other, we started to look for another way; we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that.
Starting to take Responsibility – Listening without Reacting
As both of us started to take responsibility for what we were creating, slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening. We began talking honestly and openly with each other about the hurts that certain situations brought up for us and what we were feeling and why.
Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.
This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.
A Deep Commitment and Re-connection to Self
At the same time we both worked on a commitment to self first, recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, and becoming more aware of how these affected the other. By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.
A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.
The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.
I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on. It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.
A true commitment is:
- based on love, where all are equal, and no one is left feeling lesser
- embracing everything in and with unity, without separation, judgement or control
- about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so.
In a committed relationship we are constantly open to sharing and expressing what is felt and what is needed.
Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.
The presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are where the tools to work on and build our relationship to be one of love are offered to us. It is with these tools that we have now created a true relationship, based on love. And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.
by Nicole Serafin, 41 years, Tintenbar, NSW, Australia
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724 Comments
I would say that most of us carry around unresolved hurts and feeling of being rejected that we then take into a relationship. We then expect the other person to prove their love to us first before we will even make a step towards them. So is it any wonder the divorce rates are so high along with domestic violence from both sides because of these unresolved hurts and feeling of rejection that we are unable to express and rot us away from the inside out.
‘slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening.’ This is the only path to a harmonius relationship. We cannot change another, but we are in control of our own focuses, hurts etc. Learning to let go of pictures and appreciating what is before us in the moment with another and getting ourselves out of the way, allows for a beautiful deepening of loving expansion and expression.
When we make love the foundation of any relationship it is a total game changer and ideals and beliefs are exposed for the imposters they are.
All our ideas we have about how we and another should be just sets us up to fail.
When we are in reaction we are positioned against the other and completely individualised, from our hurts and ideals. Working on them instead of blaming others is the beginning of our healing and opening to love.
Gorgeous Nicole, thanks for sharing; ‘And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.’ It feels super helpful not going into reaction and taking things personally, I can feel that this would allow an openness and an understanding and mean that each person could truly listen and understand what is being shared by the other.
Not reacting to the other person in a relationship gives both the space to work through any issues without getting caught in the blame game.
This is really helpful to read; ‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.’ Thanks for sharing.
Strong and loving relationships don’t just happen, they call for constant communication and deepening connection to yourself and another.
Yes Mary. So often when in a long term relationship, we can slip into the comfort of it without bothering to deepen that connection. When things start to go wrong or stale we like to blame the other. So important that we stop to consider what we are bringing to the other by what we are bringing to ourselves first and allowing appreciation to be the foundation of this communication and connection.
What you describe here is so common in relationships, great to hear that there is a way to move forward and heal the relationship, ‘The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe’.
I have come to see that one of the biggest causes of relationship issues is that the parties don’t listen to each other. I mean truly listen, giving their full attention until the other has spoken and shared all that needs to be said and not interrupting in any way. But this doesn’t happen as most people just want to get their words out, and don’t even focus on what is being shared, champing at the bit to speak. How amazing it would be if we were taught how to listen as children and to respect what the other person has to say; this is what taking responsibility is all about.
To take full responsibility on our side in a relationship is the key, and not blame the other is the key in growing love in relationships. And not accepting anything that is less than love.
AS we let go of the ideals and beliefs…some taking a while to dislodge, we allow love more space in our bodies and we feel the power and authority of that love.
Taking the responsibility to have true communication within a relationship is key, as often we leave things unsaid and then blame the other for not meeting our pictures. How many marriages have ended due to not fully communicating what we want and what we expect? At least if we have the discussion of what we expect then we each know if we are on the same page; this goes for friendships and family relationships also.
It is very beautiful to know that there can be a deepening that never ends.
Wow it takes so much pressure of a relationship if we are able to Listen without Reacting, when we react instead of responding we escalate a situation to only cause more harm and heart ache – far far more wise to listen, observe and respond.
‘We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.’ It is all too easy to stay stuck in a rut when we fail to acknowledge and take responsibility for how we create a dynamic between ourselves and another, especially when that dynamic has been generated by rigid ideals and beliefs. As you so correctly share: “The way we live and the way our relationships are, simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens”.
As a single woman I can feel I have looked outside myself wanting another to ‘complete’ me. That there has been a looking out for love to come from outside to confirm me, yet when this is taken to relationships it is an expectation and demand and is not what love is based on. I am learning that when I truly love myself and don’t need anything from another then I can be love with another.
It’d be more honest if we renamed what we call relationships, ‘blame games’, for this what we mostly live. Whether it’s our wife, child or the sun and the stars we look to them for the reason things turned out ‘bad’. It’s time we stopped and took stock and saw that real real-lationships start with us taking responsibility with ourselves first.
The ability to truly listen and not take things personally is crucial to building a loving relationship as it is only when 2 people feel confident enough to really share their true selves and how it is for them that they can begin to create the foundations of a relationship built on love and respect.
” At the same time we both worked on a commitment to self first, recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, ”
This is very important for once a person has a picture about how a relationship should look then there is an expectation on the other to full-fill that picture and when the expectation is not full-filled then there is rejection and resentment.
A commitment to self first is always important, recognising what ideals and beliefs we allow to come in and impose on another, then with this awareness we can make new choices, ‘ By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.’
I have always held this picture that being in a relationship is ‘more’ and I am less for not being in one. However, I am starting to feel how at the moment I actually don’t want to be in one, that I am more in a period of deepening and developing my own self, getting to know who I am, what I like and don’t like etc and that it is cool for me to enjoy this process.
We tend to think our relationship is ‘good’ if we can ‘plug in and play’ – it’s consistent and the same everyday. But the truth is as you show Nicole is totally different – it’s about us going deeper with Love in every way.
So many powerful relationships have been deepened and developed because of the way love has been shown to be something more than an emotion, that is fleeting at best.
Ideals and beliefs do come in between two people in a relationship because there is a picture and the one person will think it should be like this and the other person will think it should be like that and both feel shattered or react when the picture is actually not being the reality. I have noticed this myself too and I learning more and more to totally let pictures go and just feel what is loving and what is not and make that most important, even though in the past I thought something else was the true way.
An amazing testament to the fact that being in true relationship with each other can only come from living up to who we truly and already are within, rather than trying to live up to pictures of who we are not, fuelled by our unresolved hurts.
Listening and not taking personally is a skill that I often see many adults working with, to master once again. And this is possible because as children it was our natural way – to simply observe.
And this buildng of love is forever deepening.
I notice that I can bring my unconditional love more and more but till a certain level as if I say, this much you get or the world gets. With a kind of believe that they don’t deserve more because of the behaviours I notice.
This is a believe for sure to let go of. It is to bring the deepest love from my heart no matter what.
And it is up to others what they do with it, it is not up to me to judge it and by accepting all I allow space to re arrange in a way that offers support.
This is also what God does, he offers all the space to make our own choices, his love is always there.
In a relationship you have to be prepared to work on yourself. It starts with respect and decency with communication and expressing by reflection how you know and want it to be knowing that you are 100% committed to the relationship; there will always be more to unfold with.
The love we have between us extends beyond partners, marriages and families. It extends to all we encounter in life and in the expression of who we are without our hurts or expectations, the love that is within us is communicated outwards.
So true Heather and what you have shared highlights just how healing it is for us all, all our relationships when we express the love we are within, as we not only restore trust but also offer a reflection of who we actually all are in essence.
I think that this bit that you share is key and something I am working on, to learn to listen without taking things personally. But just observe and allow the other to express. It then allows you to get to a shared understanding and openess with one another.
Nicole, ‘I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on’, this really makes sense, I can feel how it is easy to let things slide; to take the other person for granted; to not appreciate ourselves or the other and to not work and so on and develop the relationship and so it is very lovely to read about the importance of developing relationships and making them about love first and foremost.
‘It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.’ I feel that that is exactly what we tend to create….agreements, and agreements lead to disagreements . We set ourselves up to expect certain sorts of behaviours and blame the other or ourselves when things go ‘wrong’. All this is outside true love. It is a way of tolerating each other rather than allowing accepting and appreciating ourselves and our partners. Love does not compromise itself in putting up with disregard so love can be firm in this sense but neither is it controlling or manipulating. Love is a sharing and it is equal in us all. It is a matter of us connecting with this love and living it to the best of our ability with ourselves and then it naturally spills out into all other relationships. In being love I am living in and from the body of love that I am building, reconnecting to the love I have always known but chosen to ignore.
To listen without reacting with blame is such a beautiful thing to develop as it allows for the possibility for greater understanding and to realise that another is equal in essence to us.
It is super important to give each other space in the relationship and never to impose or need the other to be a certain way. Reaction never truly achieves anything and never evolves or deepens but only ever creates distance and disconnection
” ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; ” .
This is so important for when one has taken something personally then one is in reaction and therefore not fully with themselves . Normally the reaction is to the fact that a picture that one holds is not being fulfilled and one is hurt by the failure of the picture not being the outcome. This then brings judgement which leads to bitterness and resentment.
We aspire to write a million words, to become ‘learned’ and speak on topics at length, to be published and have ‘something to say’. But what I can see and hear in what you beautifully share Nicole is that the wisest move in this life is to become a great listener. To receive not only the words people say but the energy and the things they communicate underneath, informs and supports you in an incredible way. The answer to everything is available right now if only we are willing to observe and listen. At school we were rigorously taught to ‘stop, look and listen’ whenever we crossed the road – but now I can see this advice truly applies to the whole of life.
When we stop and consider that we all grow up with vastly different ideals and beliefs about how people and the world around us should be – and we hold onto them without questioning whether they are true or not, it’s no wonder we have so much conflict in our relationships.
The skill of observation is worth investing in as it creates the space to understand another on a deeper level, and with that understanding we are less driven by control or expectations. Same goes for ourselves too.
There’s a unresolved and unaddressed elephant in the room when it comes to our relationships. Behind the fairy take surface and happy presentation we seem to think we need to put out is a harsh and abusive reality – so many of us fight. It seems to be tacitly accepted as the norm, while disdain and disconnection is not even registered these days. But if we start to understand what you present Nicole, that true harmonious connection begins first with ourselves, then it starts to make a whole heap of sense why we argue so much. No matter what happens, what circumstance blows up, what button is pushed we actually all have a powerful choice about how we are going to be. It’s our responsibility to consistently present Love, anything else we invite trouble in. No greener pastures will change this fact, and indulging in blame just prolongs the whole act.
Expressing openly honestly and consistently is certainly supporting me in the relationship I have with my husband but I have to watch I don’t go into thinking I know more; the moment I do I have lost myself and there’s no equality within the relationship
It is always inspiring to feel how love is the greatest equaliser of all. As whenever we surrender to love we are always guided by the quality of oneness that honours the essence of each and every one of us – far more real than any ideal or belief. In committing to a relationship of love, with ourselves first and with our partners, we embrace our relationship with evolution through which we continue to deepen our connection to love, and discover the magic that is revealed through this wondrous journey of unfoldment together.
So great to read this Nicole, it is so important to take the personal out of the equation but when we have lived from this perspective for most of our lives it really does take discipline and dedication to want to change. Often for me it will take a day or two before I can untangle myself from my ideals etc and really be able to see both aspects and what I am bringing to a situation that is not supportive. Mainly my need to be right which is basically crippling in relationship. The more I practise the better I am getting and the less time it takes for me to be able to observe.
Relationships flourish when we express and share what we are truly feeling so that love is the foundation of all.
I agree Nicole that a big game changer in any relationship is being able to listen and not interrupt whilst the other is speaking. It also feels great to be listened to in this way.
Very lovely to read this again this morning and feel the love, tenderness, and dedication that you bring to your relationship/s. I feel that the only way we can deepen our relationship with others is by deepening our relationship with ourselves, being willing to look at anything that gets in the way of a a harmonious and playful interaction.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your experience and wisdom, Not taking responsibility for the part that we play in any conflict, blame and guilt become a part of the play for many couples who live in unloving relationships. “The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.”
Nicole, this is huge, ‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally’, I can feel that it is reacting and taking things personally that for me causes issues in my relationships, if I simply listen and understand and do not go into judgment then I can observe and feel into what is being shared, it is my reaction to what others say that is painful and causes conflict.
To be present and listen I can understand how this can be a game changer. When I am truly listening I hear every word spoken, I observe and it offers me an opportunity to go deeper in taking responsibility for my part. To truly listen is an expression of love.
Conflict seems to be a inevitable part of our lives and the lives of our societies and countries… And yet as Nicole writes in this microcosm of the macrocosm, there is most definitely a way out of this seemingly inevitable downward spiral.
Marriage “is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.”- so true. That is why so many marriages end up in divorce because the marriage has been based on ideals and beliefs which has no love as a foundation, therefore it is bound to cause disharmony in the relationship.
“Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love.” We may try to blame the other but taking responsibility for everything that happens in life casts a whole new light – on everything…..
It is the commitment to always communicating, deepening, sharing our feelings, reflecting on our own responsibility, that is the inspiration of what a relationship is, it is facing the imperfections of daily life, that a relationship feels alive.