Recently I did something I never thought I’d do again – I enrolled in a PhD. After two experiences of postgraduate studies I vowed I would never put myself through the process again. As a PhD student I felt enormous pressure to perform, to make sure I met the final deadline, and as a researcher ‘in training’ I always felt I did not know enough. As I embark on this PhD I have taken some time to reflect on the reasons for my previous studies and how it could be different this time around.
Reflecting back on why I started a PhD in Psychology, I realise I didn’t really know what else to do. Academic achievement had been what I did best so this was a natural progression. I also enjoyed research, was good at it and became enthralled with the postgraduate student lifestyle.
I had my sights set on a good job that paid well and the academic lifestyle looked pretty good, but I can say now that it felt pretty empty and I can see how the enthrallment was all about recognition – recognition for achieving a high level of academic success, for getting your work published, for being an expert in your field.
In less than 12 months I quit the PhD program for a range of different reasons, but primarily because I had to get a job to support myself. I ended up working as a research assistant within the university setting which I thoroughly enjoyed and on reflection I can see that I enjoyed the sense of purpose that working brought, not to mention the substantial pay packet. Being in another country and a bigger city also opened me up to more possibilities of career choice and I became aware of an inner dissatisfaction with the choices I’d made so far in terms of study.
Fast forward 5 years, I was still working as a research assistant at a university and still enjoying it when I became interested in an area of research new to me – Medical Anthropology. As I learned more about medical anthropology and its focus on health and illness in other countries, I decided to do a PhD and chose a topic that would see me return to Africa where I had holidayed a few years earlier. I saw this as a way to make a difference in the world; to improve the health of people in developing countries.
In all honesty it was also an opportunity to run away from a sense of unease with my life at age 30.
At 30 I had a great job, great friends – basically life was one big party – but I felt empty inside. I was single and felt like a failure where relationships were concerned, I was racking up debt and not really clear on what I wanted in life. Going back to Africa for 12 months to conduct research felt glamorous and adventurous but in truth I was just running away and distracting myself from the sadness and emptiness I felt inside.
Back in Australia, busy analysing and writing up my data, my investment in wanting to make a contribution to the world meant I experienced incredible anxiety about what I was actually producing. I always felt like I never knew enough about the theories, my writing wasn’t up to academic standards, and I viewed my supervisors as the experts. This led to a lot of procrastination.
Basically I never saw myself or my work as good enough and so held myself as less than more qualified others. I became increasingly disillusioned with the PhD.
This second foray into postgraduate study had opened my eyes to the reality of the highly competitive nature of academia that I had completely missed, or chose to ignore the first time round! I saw the pressure on academics to both teach, conduct research and publish in highly ranked journals in order to bring in more research funding for the university. PhD students are another avenue of funding, with departments receiving a certain amount of money for each PhD student enrolled. I observed the high levels of stress in the people around me and ultimately decided that was not what I wanted in my life.
My time in Africa also taught me a lot about the realities of the international aid business, and I began to question who is really benefitting, feeling this was not an arena I wanted to work in either. Financial pressures again saw me return to full-time work, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be an academic so I abandoned my PhD.
Ten years later (and still working as a research assistant), here I am again, enrolled in a PhD and this time around, loving it.
I have finally found what I know to be something true that needs to be shared with the world – the approach to health, wellbeing and life presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
The ‘what for’ is for all of humanity.
This PhD has a purpose beyond obtaining another qualification. It is bringing back to humanity truths that have been hidden for many hundreds, if not thousands of years.
I feel no personal investment in it, no sense of having to achieve something to please others, to be recognised, to feel good about myself, or feel that I have some value to the world. What I do have is a sense of clarity about how things are so I find I can read the literature without getting bogged down in it (most times), knowing the truth of this study is in my body, not my head, for I live it on a daily basis. Another significant difference for me is in the relationship with my supervisor, where this time around I find I can hold myself as an equal.
I know that this is due to what I have learned about self-love, self-care and self-responsibility from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I have come to know that I am enough just as I am, and no piece of paper will change that.
I have come to appreciate all that I bring to the world – both in terms of who I am and what I do, and that I have a responsibility to get on with it and bring this to everyone. I am also learning that it is very possible to invest in myself through self-care, paying attention to what I eat and drink, when I need to sleep, when I work, when I need to stop, when I need support, so that this is a PhD done in, and with love, at every step.
A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon for your unwavering love, support and encouragement is felt every step of the way.
By Michelle, Social Science researcher, BSc, MSc, EPA Acc. Massage Practitioner, Brisbane
Further Reading:
How to Succeed In Academia and Lose Yourself in the Process
Self-Care, Self-Love and Nurturing in University
Self Care at Work Does Make a Difference: PhD
614 Comments
“I have come to appreciate all that I bring to the world” A beautiful PhD qualification.
When purpose is the keystone in our life, everything we do enriches and makes sense
I love the title of your blog and the passion for purpose for me it also highlights so many things that are done in the world with no true purpose. And on reflection of the topic of true purpose and from my experience, self love had to be in place before this could be felt. It was like connecting with me allowed me to then connect to all that is greater than me, to connect to the passion and love I have of people and then true purpose followed.
‘This PhD has a purpose beyond obtaining another qualification. It is bringing back to humanity truths that have been hidden for many hundreds, if not thousands of years.’ Truly AMAZING .. go you! ??✨
Finding our feet in life so we can tread in a way that full-fills us is clearly the way to eliminate all the judge-mental issues we have around not being good enough. Thank you Michele for as you have shared that stepping up to the task at hand and front footing so what is required to get through the riggers of a Phd. can be a simple pleasure.
Lets face it many people can waste a lot of years studying, only to the detriment of there physical and mental well being.
Throughout my adult life I’ve left a trail of unfinished study, this time round it feels very different, and as I enrolled in the beginning stages of a degree I could feel the purpose and the qualities I have to bring the world.
So beautiful Michelle. It is amazing the incredible change in meaningfulness in our lives when we can really see the true value of what we bring, and the deeper true purpose of why we bring it as well.
‘I feel no personal investment in it, no sense of having to achieve something to please others, to be recognised, to feel good about myself, or feel that I have some value to the world. ‘ This is so very different from the way students usually feel, what an amazing role model you are to other students.
From personal experience, whenever a study is with purpose it’s easier to do and complete.
Letting go of any investment in the achievement and recognition of the research offers a freedom to work with truth.
How great to be clear and honest about what your initial intentions for studying were, I wonder how many students have a clear understanding for their studies, ‘I can see how the enthrallment was all about recognition – recognition for achieving a high level of academic success, for getting your work published, for being an expert in your field.’
This can be applied to all actions with or without true purpose.
This is such a beautiful and inspirational reflection to the normally cutthroat world of academia ‘this is a PhD done in, and with love, at every step.’ Truly re-imprinting the purpose of research for all.
It is an interesting motivation to strive to be the expert in a field we can either do it for individual recognition, status and security or as a means of contributing something meaningful for others.
Bringing purpose to what we do, especially when it is for humanity is truly serving, ‘This PhD has a purpose beyond obtaining another qualification. It is bringing back to humanity truths that have been hidden for many hundreds, if not thousands of years.’
I really like this article. Nothing is too hard when we know the grand purpose of it. If we work for only ourselves, everything can feel very hard, the difficulty is in our body knowing individualism is a lost cause but our movements work against that. I find that when I know the true purpose of work, that it is not just for me, then no matter what I will not delay, give up because the results are not for me either, as doors will open and Life flows.
I am sure like anything in life a PhD does not feel like an effort when you start to see it as equally as and not more important as everything else in life.
I’ve got a couple of assignments to do and rather than my usual resignation at doing them I’m approaching them with what can I learn as I connect with what there is to express when writing them knowing that what’s written will have an effect on the course and feed back to the consciousness of what I am studying.
One thing I feel is lacking in the academic world of research, master thesis’s and PhD’s is love and acknowledgement of the importance of how our body is feeling and how we have to take care of it and can’t just champion our achievements of our head when we exhaust our body.
Purpose changes our whole day around, it has us hopping out of bed early eager to begin the day – it changes everything when we are moving for a greater cause than just ourselves.
The problem with our society is that we put PHD’s Degrees, Diplomas, etc. higher then our own health and mental wellbeing. Until we realise there can be no true intelligence unless it comes from the heart and body we will be forever following a way of being that inevitably is harmful
Study can offer us a way to be more fully engaged in life, depending on our intentions and the quality with which we engage with it.
I am often caught by how invested I am in being productive to feel okay about myself and I expect others to do as much as I do.
I love the purpose of working for the all, for humanity, not just ourselves, we are all equally part of this and we all need to equally support one another.
When we appreciate what we do it is easy to work long hours and still be vital at the end of the day.
The investment is very interesting, it hides in so many areas. What you have shared with us here means we can approach that higher level of study with our eyes open.
The illusion of academic success fills a void for a very short time as sooner or later the next challenge appears. No different to an athlete that soon after already is chasing the next win.
The game of investment has us aiming for the next form of recognition rather than using the path of academia to complete what is needed and then bring our true qualities and strengths with others to support the all.
A great sharing Michelle, on finding the purpose of doing your PHD, and anything for that matter, when we make it about love and the quality of care we bring to our lives knowing that we are here to serve humanity, then anything we do can be filled with joy from our livingness.
Bringing purpose to everything changes the dynamics, especially when the purpose is for all and has a base of love.
“As a PhD student I felt enormous pressure to perform, to make sure I met the final deadline, and as a researcher ‘in training’ I always felt I did not know enough”. From my own experience with study and observing students that I speak with, this is the way 99% of them feel. There is any coincidence that we all feel like we don’t know enough, as this is the way education is setup – viewing students as empty vessels that need filling by the ‘experts’.