Recently I did something I never thought I’d do again – I enrolled in a PhD. After two experiences of postgraduate studies I vowed I would never put myself through the process again. As a PhD student I felt enormous pressure to perform, to make sure I met the final deadline, and as a researcher ‘in training’ I always felt I did not know enough. As I embark on this PhD I have taken some time to reflect on the reasons for my previous studies and how it could be different this time around.
Reflecting back on why I started a PhD in Psychology, I realise I didn’t really know what else to do. Academic achievement had been what I did best so this was a natural progression. I also enjoyed research, was good at it and became enthralled with the postgraduate student lifestyle.
I had my sights set on a good job that paid well and the academic lifestyle looked pretty good, but I can say now that it felt pretty empty and I can see how the enthrallment was all about recognition – recognition for achieving a high level of academic success, for getting your work published, for being an expert in your field.
In less than 12 months I quit the PhD program for a range of different reasons, but primarily because I had to get a job to support myself. I ended up working as a research assistant within the university setting which I thoroughly enjoyed and on reflection I can see that I enjoyed the sense of purpose that working brought, not to mention the substantial pay packet. Being in another country and a bigger city also opened me up to more possibilities of career choice and I became aware of an inner dissatisfaction with the choices I’d made so far in terms of study.
Fast forward 5 years, I was still working as a research assistant at a university and still enjoying it when I became interested in an area of research new to me – Medical Anthropology. As I learned more about medical anthropology and its focus on health and illness in other countries, I decided to do a PhD and chose a topic that would see me return to Africa where I had holidayed a few years earlier. I saw this as a way to make a difference in the world; to improve the health of people in developing countries.
In all honesty it was also an opportunity to run away from a sense of unease with my life at age 30.
At 30 I had a great job, great friends – basically life was one big party – but I felt empty inside. I was single and felt like a failure where relationships were concerned, I was racking up debt and not really clear on what I wanted in life. Going back to Africa for 12 months to conduct research felt glamorous and adventurous but in truth I was just running away and distracting myself from the sadness and emptiness I felt inside.
Back in Australia, busy analysing and writing up my data, my investment in wanting to make a contribution to the world meant I experienced incredible anxiety about what I was actually producing. I always felt like I never knew enough about the theories, my writing wasn’t up to academic standards, and I viewed my supervisors as the experts. This led to a lot of procrastination.
Basically I never saw myself or my work as good enough and so held myself as less than more qualified others. I became increasingly disillusioned with the PhD.
This second foray into postgraduate study had opened my eyes to the reality of the highly competitive nature of academia that I had completely missed, or chose to ignore the first time round! I saw the pressure on academics to both teach, conduct research and publish in highly ranked journals in order to bring in more research funding for the university. PhD students are another avenue of funding, with departments receiving a certain amount of money for each PhD student enrolled. I observed the high levels of stress in the people around me and ultimately decided that was not what I wanted in my life.
My time in Africa also taught me a lot about the realities of the international aid business, and I began to question who is really benefitting, feeling this was not an arena I wanted to work in either. Financial pressures again saw me return to full-time work, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be an academic so I abandoned my PhD.
Ten years later (and still working as a research assistant), here I am again, enrolled in a PhD and this time around, loving it.
I have finally found what I know to be something true that needs to be shared with the world – the approach to health, wellbeing and life presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
The ‘what for’ is for all of humanity.
This PhD has a purpose beyond obtaining another qualification. It is bringing back to humanity truths that have been hidden for many hundreds, if not thousands of years.
I feel no personal investment in it, no sense of having to achieve something to please others, to be recognised, to feel good about myself, or feel that I have some value to the world. What I do have is a sense of clarity about how things are so I find I can read the literature without getting bogged down in it (most times), knowing the truth of this study is in my body, not my head, for I live it on a daily basis. Another significant difference for me is in the relationship with my supervisor, where this time around I find I can hold myself as an equal.
I know that this is due to what I have learned about self-love, self-care and self-responsibility from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I have come to know that I am enough just as I am, and no piece of paper will change that.
I have come to appreciate all that I bring to the world – both in terms of who I am and what I do, and that I have a responsibility to get on with it and bring this to everyone. I am also learning that it is very possible to invest in myself through self-care, paying attention to what I eat and drink, when I need to sleep, when I work, when I need to stop, when I need support, so that this is a PhD done in, and with love, at every step.
A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon for your unwavering love, support and encouragement is felt every step of the way.
By Michelle, Social Science researcher, BSc, MSc, EPA Acc. Massage Practitioner, Brisbane
Further Reading:
How to Succeed In Academia and Lose Yourself in the Process
Self-Care, Self-Love and Nurturing in University
Self Care at Work Does Make a Difference: PhD
617 Comments
A great sharing Michelle, on finding the purpose of doing your PHD, and anything for that matter, when we make it about love and the quality of care we bring to our lives knowing that we are here to serve humanity, then anything we do can be filled with joy from our livingness.
“As a PhD student I felt enormous pressure to perform, to make sure I met the final deadline, and as a researcher ‘in training’ I always felt I did not know enough”. From my own experience with study and observing students that I speak with, this is the way 99% of them feel. There is any coincidence that we all feel like we don’t know enough, as this is the way education is setup – viewing students as empty vessels that need filling by the ‘experts’.
It’s important to maintain this high quality of clarity and purpose especially when studying, because there is an intense consciousness with all of the academic texts, writings and sometimes lectures that can make us feel quite foggy and drained.
Michelle, this is really interesting; ‘Going back to Africa for 12 months to conduct research felt glamorous and adventurous but in truth I was just running away and distracting myself from the sadness and emptiness I felt inside.’ Reading this makes me realise that my travels as a young woman that looked like an adventure were also instigated by a feeling of emptiness and of looking for something to fulfil myself, such as a partner, and an adventure. I can feel how easy it is to convince ourselves of ‘good’ reasons for doing these things rather than being honest about why we really want to travel or move.
‘ I am also learning that it is very possible to invest in myself through self-care,’ I had not thought about investing in oneself before but of course when we care for ourselves, nourish and nurture ourselves that is in effect what we are doing and the returns can far out weigh our investment when we follow our inner heart.
Reading this blog has helped a lot with regards to going back into education and not getting too stressed about it all.
I get those thoughts at work now and then that make me go into self-doubt. This feeling is overwhelming in front of customers and they can feel it too. It does not happen so much anymore but it is more likely to happen in front of high up in management due to the higher demand and pressure they directly and indirectly place on you. My experience in the hierarchical chain in working positions usually are more likely to impose on you their direction and not be open to a direction that supports all. It is an abuse of power and easily seen through when you feel energy and not be fooled by words.
Awesome sharing, I was recently asking someone about further study and how they handled it and had the commitment for it, what I am coming to see is that when you have purpose, it is all known.
As soon as you attach to anything in life you leave an opening you can easily get clobbered by, because as soon as the thing you are attached to does not go your way or the way you pictured it to be, you get smashed. Not to mention the fact that the attachment blinds us to the truth of what is really taking place.
Unless we learn self-love, self-care and self-responsibility we will be forever at the mercy of seeking recognition and placing others before our own needs. Constantly looking for approval from the outside is a drain on the body with a discontentment that never goes away, it is no wonder we seek the distractions in life to ignore and numb the emptiness we are feeling from the disconnection to ourselves.
“I have come to appreciate all that I bring to the world – both in terms of who I am and what I do, and that I have a responsibility to get on with it and bring this to everyone” Fantastic values to have Michelle, values educational establishments around the world would be wise to adopt.
‘I have come to appreciate all that I bring to the world – both in terms of who I am and what I do, and that I have a responsibility to get on with it and bring this to everyone. ‘ Now this makes sense to me. Time for me to stop hiding behind I’m not sure what I bring to humanity. I may not know the intricacies just yet but I do know there is a lot of love that can come through me and humanity looks like it needs this reflection a lot to remind itself of who it truly is!
What a wonderful opportunity …to study something that lives and that breathes life into humanity.
Very inspiring to feel the vast difference between studying with the purpose to serve humanity, to share with humanity something that will support our evolution, opposed to investing in studying for self-gain only, recognition or academic success. You are, and that in itself is a testament to the teachings of The Way of The Livingness and how fulfilling life is when lived in connection to love.
I am inspired that today I am committed about my daily life and work, handling what needs to be dealt with, feeling the value of myself in every penny I bring in, without needing to make any difference in the world or do what not for humanity. I appreciate building a foundation for myself in my daily life that I am present with and that is the foundation to everything else in life.
To simply find the true way in which to live our life is a monumental PhD. study in itself, so as you have shared Michelle, thank you Serge Benhayon!
When we make what we do a vehicle for Love, it makes it clear it’s about the quality we live, not the achievements we get. Our true study is the art of being true. Thank you Michelle for this Precious Honest Description – a real PHD.