When I first heard the saying ‘family is more than blood’, it felt like a relief because as much as I love and care for my family there were times when I also met people with whom I felt as close and familiar with and who I loved just as dearly as my own family.
With family I got tied up in so many ideals and beliefs that I remember always feeling like I was doing what was expected of me rather than acting on what I felt was true. I always wanted to please my mum especially and play the ‘good’ daughter, so there were many times when I would put aside what I was feeling and do the ‘right’ thing. This of course ended up making me feel exhausted and moody, as I was not honouring of myself in any way.
I was holding this big belief that I had to conform because that was what families do – even when I was quite tired I would push myself to attend family events because of the pressure I put on myself to be there no matter what, and also because I didn’t want to miss out on anything.
Thank goodness I began to question these tightly held beliefs and ideals I had around family, because it was very draining on me and not loving in any way.
I can feel now how holding onto all these beliefs and ideals keep me trapped in some way, and then out of reaction to this it made me act out certain patterns and behaviours in my life to bury what I was truly feeling at these times: for example, I would eat a lot of sugary and comfort foods or would watch a lot of TV or go shopping, all to avoid what I was feeling. The whole way I was living life was in avoidance of myself – a running away from feeling my own strength and power. This is something I felt even more strongly when I became a first-time mother and was bombarded with a load of ‘pictures’ about how to parent instead of trusting that as a woman I have all the innate wisdom and qualities needed within to know how to parent successfully.
Learning to let go of these pictures I adopted that kept me in a spin and further away from being ‘me’ has been a work in progress.
Life for me has become very different as I now embrace people and treat them with the warmth and familiarity I would a dear or close family member. This has become more natural for me as I began to address the relationship with myself first and started to confirm and appreciate all the beautiful qualities that I bring. This was not easy at first as there can be many voices in my head trying to crush my new loving self-talk, but slowly and over time I have been building a deeper connection with myself and this has been key to transforming all the relationships in my life.
I am enjoying a greater connection and intimacy with others that I always thought was only reserved for that one special person in my life or a close family member. I am grateful that I challenged this limiting belief as it has allowed me to see the wider family available to me everywhere I go.
Family for me now has a very different meaning as I have learned to walk through life with an open and loving heart, no longer waiting for the other to first show their love to me to see if I can trust them or if I will be accepted: I see them as my equal and equally as loving as myself, even if they are too shy to express their love in that moment.
For many years I used to feel quite hurt and let down by people and so I went into protecting myself from others, but interestingly this shutting myself off from others hurt far more than how another could have hurt me. I was holding certain people I didn’t know, or trust, accountable for the way in which others had treated me in the past, something that I justified in my own mind but that really held me back from experiencing a deeper and true connection with others.
It took a lot of effort for me to live in this protected way because I had to resist any love that was offered to me: it doesn’t make sense as I was really craving and missing that connection and intimacy with others but I was putting up a huge protective wall that said ‘back off’.
No matter how we are in life or what our demeanour is, deep down we are all wanting to feel loved and accepted.
Having this awareness about myself has supported me to be more understanding when I meet others and to not react to their guard or to judge them in any way. Learning to hold them in love and acceptance with no expectations of receiving anything back has been life changing for me and has allowed the space for another to feel safe to express and to enjoy the connection that is being offered.
By Anna Douglass, International Flight Attendant, Mother, dedicated student of the Ageless Wisdom, Australia
Further Reading:
Family Defined by Quality
Truly Appreciating the People in my Neighbourhood
True Family
507 Comments
Hi Susan, I can relate to this I suddenly had this realisation very recently while driving my car that a member of my family went into a profession because it was what was expected of them by our father. It was something that occurred out of duty to the family tradition rather than asking what it was that they wanted to do with their life. I never considered the impact this may of had on someones life?
Is it possible Jane that in years to come we will look back at the events that led the politicians to instigate the world into lockdown was to keep everyone in the feeling of separation. As united we stand divided we fall in the abyss of ill mental health which has sky rocketed as one of the results of the lockdown. when everyone is out in the community there is a sense of togetherness without a doubt.
It’s a well known fact as there have been countless studies conducted on family life, that informs us all that more abuse goes on in family life behind closed doors than anywhere else, even the most roughest down and out areas in cities do not come any where near close to the violence that occurs within families. In spite of all these research studies no questions are asked to the community why is this happening? It’s all brushed under the carpet of ‘life’. I was talking to a lady just recently, she was telling me she had to take early retirement from Social work that she did because she couldn’t cope with the level of abuse within most family units. Unfortunately due to the lockdowns one of the ladies under her supervision as being vunrable was murdered by her husband and the impact of the shock was clearly felt in her body. Why is it we know what is happening within family life, it is in our face daily but we do nothing about it. We step around the Elephant in the room rather than asking what is it doing there?
Monica we need to bust the myth about families because more abuse takes place within blood families than anywhere else. The whole concept we have built around families is a lie and keeps us all restricted and controlled.
I feel that for many life times I have shut myself away from people because I was holding onto hurts from past lives and this has an effect on every life thereafter until the hurt is dealt with. I kept my self in the hurt so that another couldn’t hurt me as much as I was hurting myself. Looking back it feels that the way to deal with my hurts was to rebuild love and trust within me again, I have done this slowly over many years and it wasn’t until I re read this blog that I realised that when we have a love for ourselves nothing else matters and it is this love that keeps me warm and content so that any hurts I had have melted away revealing a love for humanity that was always there but hidden away under the hurts.
If another is not being love we can either equally not be love or remain in love. The first one critiques and the latter understands.
Living in the fullness of our essences, inner-most/Souls we first start to feel the Joy, then understand Love and Truth, which brings in the wisdom and Harmony then we are starting to live in full with the understanding of True Appreciation.
“I have been building a deeper connection with myself and this has been key to transforming all the relationships in my life.” As we deepen our connection to love we realise that we are all family.
Mary I understand what you are sharing as recently I went with some friends to an Ice Rink, I stood on the side of the barrier watching everyone having fun skating round. What I felt within me was a joy to be there with everyone and to feel how we are all one big family, even if we do not know each other there is a deeper connection to be felt. The other thing I noticed was how many people smiled and made contact with me as if they were lowering their personal barriers too. Yes we have our own personal journeys to go through but deeper than that it was palpable that we are all the same.
Holding our-selves in Love is the first step of appreciating who we are, and when we understanding appreciation of our essences this is the starting point of appreciating others and that they have the same inner quality.
Appreciation becomes a lived quality that is a part of the living authority and is confirmation of the true connection we have to our essences and thus deepening our divine purpose when we live with appreciation, authority and confirmation.
Feel deep in our hearts and we truly can not escape the fact we are all one.
Beautifully said Alison. Borders aren’t necessary when we have trust. Maybe a while to get there, as you say, but eminently possible.
We made the borders, to take control over the land and to control the people passing in and out all in the name of commerce. If we were to look down from the European space shuttle back to Earth, we would not see any borders. We have imprisoned ourselves within rules and regulations which we say is for the greater good but this is a complete lie as the people that make up the rules break them, and the mass of people they were designed for are yoked by them so that we do not have the so called ‘freedom’ that we are told we have it’s a huge sham that we have been dripped fed and all accepted over the years.