I really admire how some couples can be such good friends after separating! WOW! It is RARE but so beautiful to see. I’ve asked myself “How is that possible, or is it even possible, to be really true friends and hold nothing against your ex-partner after you go your own separate ways?”
“If you break up, you can’t be friends” is the belief I have held until recently and have mostly seen lived out around me in the past. It was almost a ‘taboo’ to be friends after breaking up!
In recent times, and due to my association with Universal Medicine, I have seen an amazing way of being in a FEW couples who have broken up, and have been really amazed to see how wonderful they are with each other – just like good friends (and NO, this can’t be faked!). There is no bitterness between them and they are now truly good friends after separating. In fact, there’s mutual respect and an amazing sense of care for the other person. I have seen this very rarely in couples aside from those I’ve met while attending Universal Medicine events.
It’s like these people have let go of whatever was holding them together, but more so what they were holding against each other. It’s as though they now have a best friend for life – which somehow makes more sense to me, since they did know each other very deeply when they were together. These relationships now seem to be at a new, deeper level.
What’s more, they truly are joyful and OK with themselves, whether or not they are in a new relationship. It’s amazing to see that in someone, and see what unfolds inside me because of that. It’s the beauty in who they are, and how truly wonderful they feel, that’s so inspiring.
It seems to me that maybe for some, there is a time in a relationship where you don’t need to be together, and it doesn’t have to mean that you don’t care for or love one another. Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together. It may seem strange but this different way of being and thinking feels beautiful and right to me. I’m OK with it – it’s been something to deeply ponder on!
In difficult times in my own relationship I’ve wondered, and also at the same time wished, that if my partner and I were ever to go our own separate ways – would there be a way we could still have a loving relationship (a true, deep friendship) that holds no bounds to the traditional ways of ex-relationships? Is it possible we could truly be good friends after breaking up?
In the past I would have wondered how we could do this without hurting or holding things against one another. But now I have a deeper understanding of relationships and of what love in a relationship actually is. Now, the well-known phrase ‘live and let live’ has a whole new meaning for me, and my understanding of it just keeps unfolding deeper.
As I see it now, it’s beyond being together. When you love someone, you are also able to set them free if it’s true for you both to part. It’s not at the expense of your being in pain and getting hurt, but rather it appears liberating to let go of those things that make you hold on and live in a need of being attached. How beautiful it is to not be pushy or imposing on another.
To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, and let them live a life of freedom, freedom of their choice! To love and let your love live is what makes sense to me now.
I can now breathe the freedom of what I feel love truly is 🙂 . I’m no longer scared at that thought of being together or not because I can see the living proof that being good friends after separating is possible; that there is another way and that way is so beautiful and loving.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and the true beauty of the livingness and the way of life that Universal Medicine offers!
By Pinky Pancholi, Software Engineer, Brisbane, Australia
297 Comments
True love never has ownership or rights over another person, true love knows it is there for everyone equally so.
Thank you Pinky, even if the configuration of the relationship changes the love doesn’t need to – it can even keep getting deeper.
From my own lived experience, I know that it is absolutely possible to break up with someone and eventually re-build a loving friendship. It took me a while to realise I was just as much responsible for what lead to the breakup and once I had acknowledged that, the doorway to the waiting healing was opened wide. And what an amazing healing it has been, one I never imagined for one moment was possible but one which is now a very lovely reality.
The real question is how is it possible to love and live with someone and then not be great friends when you break up. In fact how do we manage to not be love and great friends with everyone, when love is our natural way?
This really comes down to bringing understanding, allowing space and not imposing your own needs onto others and in this you are both held and the harmony is there between you.
I recently observed two of my ex-partners move into new relationships. One of them chose a truly loving relationship and the other chose a needy and very capped relationship. To see an ex choose love was very beautiful and I also felt lifted up by this, I found it difficult to see what the other who did not choose love experienced- even though we are no longer together it hurt to see them choose something less than what they are.
” Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together” To let someone go is a truly loving act, we are all connected so they are always in our hearts but sometime the relationship is no longer evolving and when this happens it makes sense to let go and move on.
Such wise words ‘When you love someone, you are also able to set them free if it’s true for you both to part.’ So often we cling on but if we are able to let go of a relationship when we recognise it is no longer true to be together there is no reason why the love that brought us together cannot continue.
Sometimes the arrangement we have with another needs to dissolve so that a true relationship can be lived in its place. Therefore nothing breaks, it simply cracks open so more truth can be lived in its place.
It feels totally natural to separate in a relationship and still hold each other in love. This is what I am experiencing right now in my relationship ‘break-up’, there is no blame, anger or resentment, just simply being honest, open and loving.
Love this blog Pinky. I feel like I wasn’t really ready for a relationship until I was ready to let go of it. Your blog helps me see why this makes so much sense. If we make relationships about love and evolution it’s impossible to compromise and the end of an expression in a relationship does not mean the end of a relationship.
This is beautiful and wise words you’ve shared Leonne. This is what I am experiencing that ‘the end of an expression in a relationship does not mean the end of a relationship.’ Breaking up in a relationship can feel like a new beginning and it opens the opportunity to re-imprint the relationship with love as we let go of what was not true or loving.
We can hold on to hurts, or we can choose to start to heal… The thing is we do have the choice.
A beautiful testament to the fact that when love is at the foundation of our relationships, the nature of the relationship may change but the love remains, and in fact guides us to evolve through which our connection to love deepens.
To love another in a way that allows them and you to be free of any attachements is an absolute gift, whatever the relationship.
The same can be applied in the opposite way. Not having a relationship with someone and deeply loving him without the need of being a couple. This is what I’m experiencing recently with a very dear friend. I’m free of loving him with the greatest depth and grandness, something that in the past I would have associated with the need of establishing a couple relationship. What I feel now is the freedom of not reducing this love to something that I only live with him, but the opportunity of living this quality of love with everyone, not holding back, feeling what I feel and let it expand in every interaction I have during the day. In the end love is love, free in its essence.
There are so many limitations and expectations we place on another. When they are seen for what they are, which is an imposition from one to another, then they can be released and the space for true connection is at hand.
What has stopped me from being friends with my ex partners is emotion.
It’s a good point Rik. I’ve found that hanging on to my hurts was a sure fire way to make interaction with a former partner impossible. Amazingly now I have no contact with any previous partners but I feel more love and understanding for them than ever. As I deepen my relationship with myself and my husband I can look back on my life and see the way I contributed to every hurt I had.
After breaking up with my partner I can feel the attachments that are still there and while there is a deep love still between us at times I can feel a judgement come up or a picture of how I want them to be and I can feel that this comes from a need within me and doesn’t just allow the other to be.
We grieve the picture of what we thought we had being ‘smashed’ more so than the seeming ‘loss’ of the person. True love is beholding and never lets another go, even if they choose to walk away.
We all have so much to learn about love… Which is interesting because they do say that love makes the world go round ☺.
I guess this is what sits at the forefront of these relationships, the love and respect for each other as people regardless of what has happened. In this way we don’t hold each other for ransom over what they did here or there but more accept, understand and appreciate that they are a person first long before they do anything. I see and also I do in moments hold an image to someone that has ‘done’ something and in this moment I bring in a veil which prevents me from fully seeing the person in front of me. In this mode of behaviour you see things through the veil and it brings a misinterpretation of what you are seeing, the holding brings with it a version of what you are seeing. If we always dedicate to seeing the person first and giving them a base level care and respect they are a person first before anything is done, then this supports you to always see the full picture of what is going on. It allows you to understand and accept more.
” To love someone to me now means that you are able to set them free of any boundaries or limitations or impositions of being with you, ” This is so lovely Pinky this should be printed on a love card .
Having recently parted from a relationship what came up were many attachments and conditions from my side as well as theirs. Having seen the examples from Universal Medicine students I know it is totally possible to continue to be friends. But just like being partners, friendships require the commitment both ways, that doesn’t change I am finding.
You have shared is well Pinky – “ Learning to let go of someone, it seems, can be as loving as being together.” It is an understanding and deepening of love that transcends the images and romantic notion of what love should be, and a release of the impositions that in the absence of romantic love there is heartbreak and lovelessness, which simply isn’t true.
I have also been very inspired by the ‘broken-up’ relationships I’ve observed within the Universal Medicine community. I always thought it crazy that people would be intentionally bitter toward their X when I was growing up. I always knew it didn’t make sense. You can’t be that close with someone, share your life with them and then just live in resentment forever after. How would that then affect the next relationship and so on?