If I reflect back on my parenting before I found the ancient wisdom teachings presented through Universal Medicine (UniMed), how would I describe myself as a parent back then? I was always firm as a parent, however this originally came with wanting to control everything. I had also given myself over to parenting and therefore had little or no sense of myself. This meant that I was angry, not truly happy and often sad. These feelings often came out towards my daughter.
Parenting was a mechanical motion that I had somehow found myself in, except there was no me in it. I was parenting from everything that had been fed to me via books, friends, family, every other parent I had met, maternal and child health nurses, the neighbours, TV and movies.
So as an angry, unhappy, sad parent this is what my parenting looked like:
- Fear, of getting something wrong and that I would harm or hurt the child.
- Trying to control everything, which was not realistic and therefore at times I would get frustrated at the lack of control I actually had.
- Being able to continue to do everything – I was a driven, crazy person at times.
- Being tired was a given, it came with the title of parenting. Let’s face it, I often met parents who would say things like, “I have been tired for 5 years”.
- It was ‘grit your teeth and bear it’, you just got through as best you could.
- If you did not get to look after yourself on a given day that was ok, the needs of the child were first and foremost. This meant giving up on something as simple as having a shower and getting dressed each day.
- Not trusting myself and looking for answers everywhere outside of myself as to what to do.
I came across UniMed and Serge Benhayon when my daughter was four. Through the presentations of Serge Benhayon I came to understand how everything comes back to energy: the crazy way I parented came down to my being run by a quality of energy that left me ragged, feeling like I was not enough as a parent, exhausted from trying to get it right and leaving myself last, which meant everyone else got looked after first.
Today the quality of energy that feeds me and my parenting is very different: I look after myself first; there is a steadiness in my day; I am confident in my decision making and communication with my daughter; I am more than ok in accepting that I am not perfect; it is ok if things do not get completed or done; I ask for support and help when needed; I am responsible for how I am being – it is not my daughter’s fault; and there is a true, loving quality with me as I choose very consciously to be with my daughter as she grows up.
My parenting has changed, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I can now parent lovingly and know that being a parent can be an opportunity for great learning and development for both mother and child, and be a loving and joyful experience every day.
This change is because of very simple presentations made by Serge Benhayon – the core of this for me being that it is important as a woman that I know and understand my body from the inside out and so to develop a relationship with who I am and how my body works. I bring a deep honouring to myself in relation to how I feel in each moment; I learn to love myself by nurturing and caring for myself as much as I would any child. I am then myself first: a much more loved, cared for, nurtured and understanding person when it comes to parenting… and to life.
As I parent now, after almost 10 years of using the ancient wisdom teachings as presented by Serge as my guide, I have made some pretty cool changes:
- I have learned to look after myself first and foremost.
- I am able to love myself as much as I love my daughter.
- I am very rarely tired as I look after myself during the day.
- Parenting is so much fun and very playful.
- I am in touch with how I feel about parenting and the decisions I make. There is a lot I do know if I allow myself to feel it.
- I have let go of my control issues and therefore no longer get frustrated, angry or sad.
- There is lots of laughter and joy in our house.
- My child has a right to make choices.
- Parenting is no longer about me controlling my child.
- I see and treat my child as an equal.
- I actually put time and effort into parenting so that what is presented is all about love first.
- I am participating in raising my child and not just allowing it to happen as she grows up.
- My husband and I present that the quality of your energy, how you are being, is the most important thing when talking about topics relevant to our child and what is going on in the world. So if she makes decisions to do things, she knows how they will affect her and the quality of who she is.
- There is always a loving discipline in our house that teaches responsibility about choices made and allows us all, including my child, to be accountable.
At the Universal Medicine retreat held in Hoi An, Vietnam in March 2013, I was able to add to my unfolding about parenting. A significant part at the beginning of the retreat for me was that I did not really feel how amazing and beautiful I was as a woman. Other people saw this in me, including friends, my partner and my daughter, and they would express this to me. I got to feel the sadness within as I had not accepted or felt this truly for myself for a very long time.
In allowing myself to feel this, I could then actually claim that I am an amazing and truly beautiful woman. I can now absolutely role model this with my 14 year-old daughter.
- I can actually feel how amazing I am every time I tell my daughter how amazing she is.
- I know that beauty comes from within and can show this to my daughter every day. As she enters her teenage years she knows without a doubt that as women we are naturally beautiful and very amazing.
- I can inspire all children and show them that what is being lived in the world is not ‘it’, that there is a different way to live, a way that is very loving and beautiful.
I have a deep appreciation and love for Serge Benhayon and his family for living a different way and sharing it with us. Parenting for me will forever more be all about love.
By Sally Scott, Manager, Perth, WA
344 Comments
We have the idea that everyone, including our children, need more of our time and we expend ourselves to exhaustion to the detriment of everyone. By supporting ourselves first and making sure our needs are met we have much more in the tank for everyone else and everything else.
What a beautiful testimony to an unfolding understanding of parenting, and how through loving ourselves first we are more equipped to be and show that to others, including our children and that’s the best role modelling we can do!
When we choose to take loving care of ourselves this is then reflected in our parenting.
“I know that beauty comes from within and can show this to my daughter every day.” This is brilliant because role modelling is such an important part of parenting, if we don’t love who we are and if we don’t cherish who we are – what are we teaching our kids?
Your story is a deeply touching one for many reasons. A sadness of the way pictures/ideals/beliefs topics can really manipulate us and stop us from being ourselves. A joy of hearing a woman re-connect to her beauty and her amazingness and to let go of control. A sadness for me of how I let pictures/ideals/beliefs get in my way and that also stop me connecting and appreciating my amazingness and beauty.
Unfortunately this way of parenting is still the norm for many parents, no wonder exhaustion is so big in humanity at present, ‘Through the presentations of Serge Benhayon I came to understand how everything comes back to energy: the crazy way I parented came down to my being run by a quality of energy that left me ragged, feeling like I was not enough as a parent, exhausted from trying to get it right and leaving myself last, which meant everyone else got looked after first.’ How wonderful that you have made many new loving choices that support you and your daughter.
Parenting should be so natural as it is all about Loving and re-learning to Love ourselves one would wonder why we would have to do something we already are especially as being Loving is simply felt when we re-turn or re-connect to our essences. So maybe we should be teaching our school children to reconnect to their essences and then the understanding of how Love simply works miracles for our bodies.
It feels such an amazing change how you parent now Sally, and I am sure your daughter has appreciated being held as an equal, and your relationship now blossoms as two equal women living with love.
Yes, I agree some lovely changes to how Sally is parenting, like looking after, and loving ourselves primarily, ‘I have learned to look after myself first and foremost.
I am able to love myself as much as I love my daughter.’
Serge Benhayon has been teaching on many many areas in life. Including parenting by speaking from his livingness, way of living life, which made it easy to grasp and feel what he means. This is inspiring for this allows the opportunity for another to feel what other way of parenting in this case, is possible. This shows us that our greatest science is the one of and from within us lived.
There is a need to control in parenting because we do not feel equipped to deal with what is in front of us sometimes. It is a low-grade anxiety (sometimes a high grade, in-your-face anxiety!) and therefore this need to control becomes a perceived necessity. Yet as you have shared, when you make space to deal with self-care and nurturing yourself, this need to control diminishes because you feel the equality of each member of the family.
I recognize some of the things described here and I love how much fun and lightness parenting has become. What also made a big difference for me is that I don’t always have to have the answers or have to know everything. We are learning from each other and together.
Sally this is really beautiful, I am not a parent but I found your blog inspiring and relative to me still as a woman in life and how I relate to myself and others. Absolute gold, what a joy to read this! I was also touched about the advice you gave your daughter related to her decision making and to factor in how it could affect her and the quality of who she is – truly loving support, I’ll be taking that on board for myself also.
When we can feel the love for ourselves as we express how beautiful and gorgeous another is, it brings such joy and an equalness regardless of age. It is magical moments such as these in our day that are priceless and confirm who we are and where we are from.
Sally I love your list – this is so absolutely amazing, what a change around – what you model here has to be the future of parenting if we want our beautiful children to grow up to be responsible proud adults.
Amazing changes Sally – thank you for sharing.
It is incredible to feel how stabilising living in connection to love is, as it exposes all that is not of love allowing the space for greater love to be created as a foundation into our lives. Thank you for sharing just how this can not only be lived but sustained and deepened. Amazing and inspirational.
Yes, what is Love and what is not Love becomes apparent when we deepen the relationship of Love with ourselves as it brings a lived quality to our honesty that forms a foundation of livingness.
“I know that beauty comes from within and can show this to my daughter every day. As she enters her teenage years she knows without a doubt that as women we are naturally beautiful and very amazing.” What an amazing foundation to have when growing up, forget good schools, money and how to books – what you have reflected to your daughter here is fundamental to her evolution. Amazing thank you for sharing Sally.
I notice that when I don’t look after myself life becomes a struggle, it is difficult and challenges occur. The ease and flow of life is gone and in this I then seek relief from the difficult times.
I could look back and say that my style of parenting was ‘absent’ for a number of reasons: I was pretty much checked out, eating to numb feelings of tension, distracted by my own busyness and we had a live-in nanny Monday to Friday so I could be in full time work. Having said that I loved putting the children to bed and I enjoyed spending time with them at weekends. When the youngest was 7 I gave up full time work and went self employed, which gave me more time to be with them before and after school, but I was often on my computer doing emails and sometimes I was late picking up my daughter. I felt guilty at not being the ‘perfect’ parent but both of the children have grown up to be beautiful, caring adults and the love is definitely there between us and that is more important than anything.
It is many years ago since my children were little but I still can remember the challenges that I faced daily and realise now that most of them were of my own making. The trying to be the perfect mother and to have the most well-behaved children was crippling and left me in a permanent state of exhaustion. So I can totally relate to everything you have shared here Sally and I know that sharing this is sure to support lots of mothers as they face the daily challenges, and the joys, of parenting.
There is so much push, control, drive and comparison in the model of parenting the world sells. This extends to all of our relationships as everyone needs a pull up on occassion. Unimed presents a model of parenting that supports grace, love and evolution in parenting.
Blame and self-depreciation are two of our spirits favourite tricks. But how often do we let these condemning thoughts in? It’s so crucial that we keep coming back to the fact that we are Love and not letting these stories control who we are – thank you Sally.
TO have a reflection in our lives of how to parent with love and in a way that is not all-consuming, disempowering or draining is a true gift from heaven. Blogs like yours share that wisdom a smidgen further so thank you Sally for inspiring me just as Serge Benhayon inspired you.
‘I actually put time and effort into parenting so that what is presented is all about love first.’ It is this time and effort which over time pays off as our children feel safer when they are guided with loving boundaries and consequences or given permission to take responsibility.
‘I have learned to look after myself first and foremost.’ Finding time to go for a gentle walk, eating nourishing food, moisturising our hands or taking a long soak in the bath are essential basics if we are to be able to truly support our children, but how many parents actually do this?
Wow what a shift in the way you are parenting and the relationship you have with yourself, Sally. I loved reading about how the anger and frustrations melted away when you looked at control and let that go. I can certainly see how I still have this in me and get frustrated with my daughter when she makes a mess, but in this is my control for things to always be tidy.
In my experience, every time I have parented my daughter in a way that is controlling her actions rather than honouring and appreciating her for her natural qualities, it has backfired and been met with resistance from her. I can see now that this reflection of resistance is a good sign because she was feeling it was not right which allowed me to look deeper into why I chose that approach.
I have the same experience, whenever I do something towards another in a controlling way it backfires and gives me the opportunity to question why I want things my way instead of letting go of protection and judgements.
What a great blog to start the New Year with so thank you very much Sally. As I so relate to putting others first and not being able to Truly nurture myself. It is only when we see that light at the end of the tunnel and reading your blog has done that for me that we can make the shift for our selves, so I very much appreciate the wisdom of this blog at this time in my life. It has always been said when the student is ready the teacher will present them-self.
I feel you have nailed parenting in essence – it is about love, love for yourself. Parenting either fathering or mothering is the quality in reflection how you parent yourself. Through inspiration you have that guide another can feel and see – it is felt before you actively go through the motions of the parenting.
Could not agree more Rik, our reflection of our lived essence is felt and can only be rejected by others if they so choose.
Wow Sally! There has really been a before and after in your parenting, due to the great changes that you have introduced into your life… it’s clear that taking care of and appreciating ourselves first, always has a loving ripple effect around us
In learning how to take loving care of ourselves we can then reflect this to everyone including our children and transform so many relationships as we let go of control and imposing our will on others.
I recently became aware that although my intentions were to protect a young person in my life, it was over-bearing on them and wasn’t allowing them the space to make their choices. I realised that I needed to step back and to support them more, would actually be to be more solid in myself and to support myself more to then inspire them and offer them a true reflection.
Yes, we don’t realise that by being over-protective we actually disempower them because we give them the impression there is something wrong with them and they cannot make decisions for themselves. They might not have considered there was something to worry about but our worry plants a seed of doubt which is then confirmed and fed by the repeating patterns of behaviour.
And what’s so amazing about this is that you’ve put it into practice Sally. You haven’t just heard this concept, thought it would fix your life and then tell everyone about it. This has actually worked for you and now you’re able to share your experience of it. Incredible. I have no doubt it was a process as switching from one way of being to another doesn’t happen over night, especially as this all feels like it’s based on integrity, which we all have innately, but have sometimes buried deep deep inside.
Beautiful Sally. There is something hugely powerful about knowing another as an equal. Somehow equalness gives us access to a greater sense of ourselves and each other. What an awesome way to parent any child.
Thank you for sharing Sally , how blessed your family and all of us are by your livingness of the ancient wisdom thank you.
You sure lead the way in showing the world what is a true way of parenting. What the world calls normal parenting, like being tired all day, for years in a row, is so not normal.
When we carry out any of our responsibilities from a book we totally ignore and underestimate our wisdom and absoluteness knowingness we have within.