When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
613 Comments
“This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two.” Wow, your blog could also be my story Mariette, I am still seeing and clearing from my life the deep patterns of saving others, getting involved, wanting to be seen as a nice person, disregarding myself to put others first, etc, it’s quite a deep one and I remember being encouraged to be like this as a child – to be a ‘good girl’. I have also noticed that this way of behaving has its payoffs, not just in being liked, but also it dulls down our true essence so there isn’t jealousy or other aggression.
We enter this world full over flowing with love but in many cases we are not met with love, and this is when we feel that what we are feeling is not what anyone else is. So what to do with the love that we naturally are? Well for me it got deeply buried because I could not bear for the love to be spoiled or soiled in anyway, I felt I needed to protect it. I did not understand as a child that love cannot be touched it does not need protecting but expressed so that everyone can feel what they are actually missing in life. The more we express love in everything we do the more people we remember their own love and start to build the bridge back to it.
Will have to start with self love when it comes to love as if we do not truly love ourselves then how can we love another?
Thank you Mariette, true music by Glorious Music and other performers who remain connected, as they have no emotional lines to get us excited or emotional so we can stay connected to our essences.
‘It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ This feels key, so often we are taught that love is outside of us and that we need to find ‘Mr or Mrs right’ to make us happy and complete, but this for me simply doesn’t feel true anymore. We can all have a steady, constant love in our life and that is the love we have for ourselves, which then allows us to truly love others too.
Mariette, this is a great question; ‘could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…?’ This feels absolutely true for me from my experience, I also spent a lot of time and effort looking outside of me for love, what I came to realise was that true love was loving me first, and this started with taking care of and honouring myself.
My-lost-ness was so far away from the Truth that starting with being Gentle was the bridge for me back to starting of me being self-loving. And being gentle started with the Gentle Breath Meditation;
http://www.unimedliving.com/meditation/free
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?
Unfortunately many people look for love outside themselves, thinking it is something that will be given to them instead of knowing it comes from within, ‘I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.’
It seems to me, that when a woman’s Love is all about doing, then there is very little room for equality in the relationship.
Gorgeous we need more examples like these: feeling the truth of what you share and how it is our very basis to love and care for ourself by starting and never ending.
Coming back to the love that I am is a continuous self-discovery journey in which I feel lighter whilst I let go everything that is not love in my life
How crazy it is that we have created a society that does not foster in our children, that love is everything they are in essence, as such we grow up seeking love outside of ourselves. We know what love is, such is why we seek it, yet we are seeking in all the wrong places, that which already resides within. In developing an honoring relationship with our love within, we discover the stupendous richness, magnificence and joy that is to be lived and soon realise that this is the only true foundation for living love in any relationship.
Mariette we could quite possibly be twins 🙂 Thank you for the honesty expressed here, I could relate to much of what you have shared about how you have been with people before returning to self love. It’s a huge process unlocking the behaviours of being nice, accomodating and helpful, which can come with the agenda to be liked and thought of a certain way. Love in it’s true expression is very different in how it interacts with people, it being more a quality of being rather than the many ways I would in the past “do love”. It’s been such a supportive read, thank you.
Realising that we are not responsible for anything other than to reflect the Truth of who we are (love, joy, stillness, harmony and truth) is a big step away from the ideals and beliefs laced upon us by the rules and regulations of society that offer the false illusions that being nice, good and sympathetic constitutes love. What is tough is seeing how we have fallen for the big fat lie that this is!
“Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody”
I love this Mariette – the simplicity and truth of love – no doing required, simply BEING is everything.
“could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do?”
It certainly takes away all the pressure we place on others, including children and pets, to love us. Returning to the truth of our being and the essence of love we truly are exposes so many of the lies we currently live in society. The versions of love that are based on emotion, sympathy, doing good, and saving others. Underneath it all we are all amazing beings of immense love simply living disconnected to ourselves.
I love this Mariette. What a world of difference it makes when we become aware that love is something innate within us and not something that we have to seek endlessly outside. My life has turned around completely since I started to live this way. And I know I don’t have to go around ‘saving’ others – but being a reflection of a self-loving man is enough.
I know that one very well, wanting to save people. It is like you say not about rescuing people but just living the love you are. Reflection brings true change, not doing or trying.
Yes, I too knew this one very well, wanting to save or rescue people, it is so refreshing to know that all we have to do is to live who we are in full, to live the love we are and reflect this to others.
Adding to what you have shared Mariette, reflection is our greatest from of communication!
Something for me to reflect on Greg! 🙂
The beautiful thing is that if you fully claim your love and amazingness for yourself you can only but be there for others. It won´t be a belief you follow what love is/ what you need, but the purpose will be felt instantly that this needs to be shared with everyone.
We get so lost searching for love outside of ourselves and for me being like a chameleon constantly adjusting to what I thought other people wanted me to be whereas at any time we can actually chose to turn the spotlight on ourselves and choose to be more self loving. Choosing to take loving care of myself, to the best of my ability, means that I no longer rely on others to make me feel better about myself which is a very imposing way to be and put huge strains on my relationships which then gave me trust issues. Now that I am learning to love and trust myself I can feel how this frees me up to have more loving relationships with others.
It is so true that love is not just about the doing. I had this belief for a long time, and it really drained me – that I had to be a certain way and do certain things to win love. But the truth is it is a holding and a quality.
It is a surrendering to yourself and our bodies first to then access the love that is on offer. We cannot love “more”. We can only surrender more to the universe that then gives access to the magnificence of the love that we are.
yes, great sharing, it is a holding and basically just being you, with yourself and in connection with everybody. The world does not teach us this and I am so greatful that I have been reflected this by Serge Benhayon. Learning about love every day!
Love provides such a different perspective. I remember having a conversation with Serge Benhayon and realising that from how he was being with me that love needs nothing from the other person and expects nothing, and I was being met for the grandness of my essence without the slightest imposition to live other than what I was (which was pretty far away from my true essence). It’s so different to the rescuing, taking on others stuff, and trying to fix or make things better for others – love sees you for all you are and gives you the space to come back to that in your own time.
Self love is the baby steps to understanding love and what it really means. Without self love we are at the mercy of the ideals ad beliefs of what we perceive love to be.
And wouldn’t it be great if babies were confirmed in their innate self-love as they started to step out in life.
I can relate to this, of looking outside of myself for something to give me approval- whether that be a work project, attention from a potential partner or even recognition from not doing well. It is all a distraction from outside.
Yes, this is a biggie, I also want approval and recognition from outside of myself. It is changing, but it is there. It’s great to be aware of it so when I feel this need, I can just come bak to me and see that there is nothing out there to get.
‘Shouldn’t I be doing something?” That is a question I’ve often found myself asking.. the feeling of guilt in the background if I’m not relentlessly doing and completing everything on a to-do list. But living like that is draining and soul-less – it feels empty and no amount of boxes ticked every really satisfies. Starting to drop that, and just enjoy being with myself, no matter what I am doing, feeling what to do next from moment to moment, feels odd – I’ve been in the doing for so much of my life that it’s not yet a familiar feeling – but amazing: there’s a feeling of stillness and space that feels beyond the limits of time. There are still things to be done, but the pressure I put on myself to do them is far lesser – and with that, there’s more space within and around me.
Love what you share here, I am also great in doing a lot, I could win an oscar for that. I am learning to move through my day and really feel what is needed, instead of me thinking and making a list. Huge change.
Self love is the biggest hug you could ever give yourself and more. And what’s more, it opens us up to receive love from others so hugs with them are even deeper and more intimate too!
The power of self –love is the grandest of reflections for all. There is no end to what we can go to with our self care that innately brings a reminder to others that they too can tap into this.
Self-abuse shows itself in so many ways and layers. When I used to think of the word ‘abuse’ I thought of about as agression, violence atc. but abuse is so much more. We abuse our bodies every day, the moment we don’t listen to what it says and override our own needs/feelings. We can only love ourselves, when we start taking care of ourselves and like you mention: say no to self-abuse. There is quite a lot to say “NO” to….
The ultimate form of self love is saying no to self abuse and hence yes to everything that is truly love
It is very true Joshua – the more we say no to self-abuse the more we re-claim the love we are to simply be present and be the quality that guides us more and more.
Everything in life gets so complicated and needlessly so, when we pursue ideals outside of ourself. When you live in the simplicity of what your body feels life gets easy and crystal clear.
It does get very easy and simple. So simple that at times I like to make it complicated again because my mind thinks: it can’t be that simple, lets bring in some complication! It’s a strong belief that life has to be hard and complicated and that we have to work hard and push to make things happen. I notice that the less I do that, the more life shows itself. Complication and control go hand in hand.
Yes complication and control go hand in hand, I see this more and more. When we let go of the ideals and beliefs we have around how it ought to be or how we think it should be then the space opens up for us to feel what love would do and we can do it….we are it (love) and life unfolds.