When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
591 Comments
I love this Mariette. What a world of difference it makes when we become aware that love is something innate within us and not something that we have to seek endlessly outside. My life has turned around completely since I started to live this way. And I know I don’t have to go around ‘saving’ others – but being a reflection of a self-loving man is enough.
I know that one very well, wanting to save people. It is like you say not about rescuing people but just living the love you are. Reflection brings true change, not doing or trying.
The beautiful thing is that if you fully claim your love and amazingness for yourself you can only but be there for others. It won´t be a belief you follow what love is/ what you need, but the purpose will be felt instantly that this needs to be shared with everyone.
We get so lost searching for love outside of ourselves and for me being like a chameleon constantly adjusting to what I thought other people wanted me to be whereas at any time we can actually chose to turn the spotlight on ourselves and choose to be more self loving. Choosing to take loving care of myself, to the best of my ability, means that I no longer rely on others to make me feel better about myself which is a very imposing way to be and put huge strains on my relationships which then gave me trust issues. Now that I am learning to love and trust myself I can feel how this frees me up to have more loving relationships with others.
It is so true that love is not just about the doing. I had this belief for a long time, and it really drained me – that I had to be a certain way and do certain things to win love. But the truth is it is a holding and a quality.
It is a surrendering to yourself and our bodies first to then access the love that is on offer. We cannot love “more”. We can only surrender more to the universe that then gives access to the magnificence of the love that we are.
yes, great sharing, it is a holding and basically just being you, with yourself and in connection with everybody. The world does not teach us this and I am so greatful that I have been reflected this by Serge Benhayon. Learning about love every day!
Self love is the baby steps to understanding love and what it really means. Without self love we are at the mercy of the ideals ad beliefs of what we perceive love to be.
And wouldn’t it be great if babies were confirmed in their innate self-love as they started to step out in life.
I can relate to this, of looking outside of myself for something to give me approval- whether that be a work project, attention from a potential partner or even recognition from not doing well. It is all a distraction from outside.
Yes, this is a biggie, I also want approval and recognition from outside of myself. It is changing, but it is there. It’s great to be aware of it so when I feel this need, I can just come bak to me and see that there is nothing out there to get.
‘Shouldn’t I be doing something?” That is a question I’ve often found myself asking.. the feeling of guilt in the background if I’m not relentlessly doing and completing everything on a to-do list. But living like that is draining and soul-less – it feels empty and no amount of boxes ticked every really satisfies. Starting to drop that, and just enjoy being with myself, no matter what I am doing, feeling what to do next from moment to moment, feels odd – I’ve been in the doing for so much of my life that it’s not yet a familiar feeling – but amazing: there’s a feeling of stillness and space that feels beyond the limits of time. There are still things to be done, but the pressure I put on myself to do them is far lesser – and with that, there’s more space within and around me.
Love what you share here, I am also great in doing a lot, I could win an oscar for that. I am learning to move through my day and really feel what is needed, instead of me thinking and making a list. Huge change.
Self love is the biggest hug you could ever give yourself and more. And what’s more, it opens us up to receive love from others so hugs with them are even deeper and more intimate too!
The power of self –love is the grandest of reflections for all. There is no end to what we can go to with our self care that innately brings a reminder to others that they too can tap into this.
Self-abuse shows itself in so many ways and layers. When I used to think of the word ‘abuse’ I thought of about as agression, violence atc. but abuse is so much more. We abuse our bodies every day, the moment we don’t listen to what it says and override our own needs/feelings. We can only love ourselves, when we start taking care of ourselves and like you mention: say no to self-abuse. There is quite a lot to say “NO” to….
The ultimate form of self love is saying no to self abuse and hence yes to everything that is truly love
Everything in life gets so complicated and needlessly so, when we pursue ideals outside of ourself. When you live in the simplicity of what your body feels life gets easy and crystal clear.
It does get very easy and simple. So simple that at times I like to make it complicated again because my mind thinks: it can’t be that simple, lets bring in some complication! It’s a strong belief that life has to be hard and complicated and that we have to work hard and push to make things happen. I notice that the less I do that, the more life shows itself. Complication and control go hand in hand.