Have you ever had a relationship that ended badly, then another relationship comes along and it ends badly as well? This did not happen to me just once, but a number of times!
After this happened to me the seventh time I had to be honest enough with myself to see that if I wanted to have a different outcome I didn’t just need good relationship advice, I needed to approach my relationships in a completely different way.
Most of my relationships lasted a couple of months if I was lucky. It was quite a familiar pattern – a guy would be interested in me and I in him, then the game would begin. Firstly he needed to prove to me how much he liked me and cared for me. If I felt that was enough and I liked him too, then we would get together. As soon as we were together I would become a bit obsessed, I would think of him all the time, lose myself in him and become a dedicated ‘I will put up with anything’ kind of lover. As you can imagine this put quite a lot of guys off! When they did lose interest this would leave me somehow more obsessed and more ‘into them’, which was quite distressing really.
With most of these failed relationships came an intense feeling of falling in love, then not long after would come the familiar feelings of hopelessness and a desperation to not lose the relationship.
Looking back I can see I had no regard for myself, I had many beliefs and ideals, which kept me locked in an emotional prison of how a relationship should be and how I should be within that. I had set unrealistic ideals and standards of what this should look like.
I realize now I was being shown time and time again that I had to look deeper into what I was creating. I could no longer deny the fact that I must be responsible in some way for attracting the same situation to develop and be repeated again and again – just with a different person. I could no longer play the victim; I had been offered the choice to see how I (yes I, no one else) was creating these repetitive heartbreaks.
I started to be really honest with myself as it was now becoming very obvious how my lack of self-worth was infiltrating and affecting many relationships in my life. Inspired by the love in which I was held during Esoteric Healing sessions I began to make changes to the way I lived. Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.
I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on: we may get a new partner or we may move to another country, but the momentum is still there hidden, waiting to manifest itself again and again.
The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.
With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse. Through developing the love I now have for myself, for the lovely lady I am, I have healed huge wounds that kept me from developing loving relationships.
Now, as I have developed my own self-love and have faced the pain that I had held onto, I find myself in my longest ever relationship (now 4 years) and engaged to a beautiful man. We are both committed to being and bringing true love into our relationship – to deal with our stuff and to evolve together. Of course there have been rocky times and I am sure there may be a few more to come, but overall our foundation is strong and built with a love and truth that pulls us back when we are off track to constantly remind us of our truth.
With the inspiration I have received from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and the women’s groups held monthly in London, I have deepened my level of self-worth and this has had a positive effect on all my relationships, whether they be with family, colleagues, friends or my partner.
I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.
by Samantha, UK
Further Reading:
Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am
It is as Simple as Loving Myself First
755 Comments
The relationship with ourselves definitely plays out in our relationships.
Loving and caring for ourselves first and foremost is a prerequisite for all of our relationships.
Without a relationship based on self- love and self-care we just do not have the foundations to possible love another.
If a situation keeps repeating then there is something within ourselves that we need to look at and address.
I think one of our biggest downfalls in relationships is that we see each relationship as a separate entity – rather than what manifests in one relationship is going to manifest in the next relationship until we deal with it. We think by leaving someone or closing the door that’s the end to whatever happened – not realising that we take it all with us and that whatever happened in our last relationship will naturally occur in a fresh relationship.
Life has a beautiful way of repeating the same scenarios over and over again , until we get the message to change something and be willing to explore our part in the ongoing cycle and then make new choices from a foundation of loving ourselves and then bring all of us to others with no expectations of them fulfilling our needs.
I love your honesty here ‘I had to look deeper into what I was creating.’ not very comfortable to do but something I know from experience when we do start looking at what we are creating in our life and start to change the healing is very beautiful.
Without a good foundation of self-worth and self-love we cannot expect to ever have a proper functioning realationship with another for there is nothing to build it on.
Building our own self love, through constant choices to care more deeply for ourselves, is a fundamental part of our foundation that supports us to hold steady, to know ourselves inside and out. Without self love and self care, we leave ourselves wobbly, precarious, unsure and unsteady and at the mercy of life, instead of solid and with ourselves.
As relationships are such a wonderful reflection of the way we approach life it is no wonder that many ‘fail’ if we are still holding on to unhealed hurts from our past, Those, hurts will be triggered in many ways and will continue to be triggered even if we leave one relationship for another. It is when we acknowledge the trail of ‘failed’ relationships behind us that it’s time to stop and wonder why. And I eventually found the answer was that I didn’t have a loving and caring relationship with myself and that was the most important one of all.
This blog renders all the relationship books, men are from mars and women are from venus type books unnecessary – what is the point in going into any relationship if we have not first secured and solidified the relationship we have with ourselves – it’s like selling a car with only two wheels – the other person doesn’t get all of us and everything they also deserve.
Unless we bring all of ourselves to a relationship we will always be dependent on others to fulfil our neediness – not a recipe for success. Deepening my own self-love has impacted all my relationships as I support myself and am so much more open to what unfolds each day.
Coming to realise that we are everything before we are anything offers us all an opportunity to build a sense of self-worth and self-esteem that is not a delicately balanced juggle at the mercy of what happens around us or what relationship we are in. Building that sense of who we are as a solid lived foundation sows seeds that feed us back in all aspects of our relationships and we can start to recognise what takes us away from that ease and knowing in our bodies.
Absolutely there is nothing that we need to search for as we are already everything – so contrary to the messages that we are fed by society.
The divine design of our universe is its repetitive nature. I used to hate that I couldn’t just move on, it used to drive me bonkers and I blamed everyone and everything that reminded me of an issue I felt I had dealt with for reminding me that I had, perhaps, not dealt with it at all and was instead using a coping mechanism to distract myself from this fact!
Developing self-love and self-worth is a prerequisite foundation, if we want to have loving relationships in our life.
I totally agree, self love and self worth are a prerequisite if we want amazing and deeply loving relationships, and also to be able to offer amazing relationships to others.
Self love and self worth are the keys in developing relationships that bring true love, which allows each person to evolve. When these are lacking in our lives we become needy, always looking outside of ourselves for someone else to fill our void. It is beautiful Samantha, that you have come to the realisation that by bringing self love and self worth into your life, you are now able to have a beautiful loving evolving relationship.
It might be uncomfortable to feel how we create situations in life that we don’t like ourselves but, when the most intense feelings are over it gives us space to actually observe and change the pattern we were in.
Each relationship we have can be a space to heal our hurts or/and a space to confirm what we truly bring in essence.
The same undealt with hurts = the same destructive habits and patterns in relationships. It makes sense that we need to heal something in ourselves for our relationships to change. We are after all 50% of that relationship!
I can feel the difference between knowing my quality and holding this strongly and also the feeling of neediness. With the neediness I am prepared to accept less than my quality, when I hold my quality, I know from deep within that nothing from outside can complete me as I already am everything.
Great piece of advice plus when I read the words’With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse’.
This sums up my life but these lines have helped me beyond your imagination. Stay blessed. Love your post.
This line is remarkable!
“without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.”
This is the lesson that everyone becomes familiar with in their old age but words of wisdom have always been a great gift!
Being needy like this always feels horrible, both to deliver, and those on the receiving end.
Whenever we begin a relationship with a need to have the other person fill some gap we have in our lives ( such as lack of self love) there will be disharmony, as it is dishonoring for both people involved.
Oh yes I know this one, it is a hard one to cut, of not feeling full within yourself so needing someone else to fill you up or to feel complete. When we do this we are guaranteed to always bring issues into our relationships and never quite feel settled.
Self-worth and self-love along with self-nurturing are keys to forming relationships that will last with everyone we meet.
A beautiful transformation Samantha. In deepening a loving relationship with ourselves we do naturally bring love, who we are, to every relationship through which the opportunity to deepen our connection to love is offered, through openly and honestly sharing ourselves, being our selves. This is what true relationship is about; supporting each other to evolve in love.
This is a brilliant expose on a lack of self worth, how we feel about ourselves actually effects not only every single relationship we have but every single moment. What I am discovering is that it’s worth investing time into building an amazing relationship with yourself so that every moment is amazing and we are not relying on external sources to lift us up or make us feel great.
It is very correct in saying and worth being honest and aware about if you have any investments in a relationship. Those investments are usually made up of what you are not bringing to yourself and thus become hurts. The best medicine is appreciation for yourself to the endless degree . . .
‘I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.’ Such wisdom Samantha – all our relationships are rooted in the relationship we have with ourselves and to experience one based on mutual self-love is wonderful.
This was very timely for me to read, I can feel that I have a need coming up of wanting to be in a relationship, but when I stop and surrender I can feel that going about it in this way, through a drive and a need, that I would then allow something that I don’t truly want. When I surrender more the need actually isn’t there and I am much more content within myself and allowing of things to happen.
Thank you Samantha for sharing your inspiring story. This is a gorgeous example of taking responsibility for what happens to us in life. Often we think it is easier to blame others but you did the opposite and started looking at your relationship with yourself, started healing your hurts and recognising the cause. A massive WOW to you for your commitment to love, to yourself and to being in a loving relationship.
” I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.” so true indeed Samantha it starts within us connecting to the love that is within into all aspects of our lives. Like you for a number of years I kept attracting the same type of relationships until one day I realised it was me who had to change, since after healing many hurts and taking more responsibility for my choices over time a beautiful man came into me life and we have these last 13 years grown and developed into a beautifully loving relationship.
‘I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on’ … that’s it in a nutshell, it comes from us and we find ways out in the world to show us that in how we are in our relationships, so if we deal with our hurts, our patterns, our behaviours and love us, all around us has to change.