Have you ever had a relationship that ended badly, then another relationship comes along and it ends badly as well? This did not happen to me just once, but a number of times!
After this happened to me the seventh time I had to be honest enough with myself to see that if I wanted to have a different outcome I didn’t just need good relationship advice, I needed to approach my relationships in a completely different way.
Most of my relationships lasted a couple of months if I was lucky. It was quite a familiar pattern – a guy would be interested in me and I in him, then the game would begin. Firstly he needed to prove to me how much he liked me and cared for me. If I felt that was enough and I liked him too, then we would get together. As soon as we were together I would become a bit obsessed, I would think of him all the time, lose myself in him and become a dedicated ‘I will put up with anything’ kind of lover. As you can imagine this put quite a lot of guys off! When they did lose interest this would leave me somehow more obsessed and more ‘into them’, which was quite distressing really.
With most of these failed relationships came an intense feeling of falling in love, then not long after would come the familiar feelings of hopelessness and a desperation to not lose the relationship.
Looking back I can see I had no regard for myself, I had many beliefs and ideals, which kept me locked in an emotional prison of how a relationship should be and how I should be within that. I had set unrealistic ideals and standards of what this should look like.
I realize now I was being shown time and time again that I had to look deeper into what I was creating. I could no longer deny the fact that I must be responsible in some way for attracting the same situation to develop and be repeated again and again – just with a different person. I could no longer play the victim; I had been offered the choice to see how I (yes I, no one else) was creating these repetitive heartbreaks.
I started to be really honest with myself as it was now becoming very obvious how my lack of self-worth was infiltrating and affecting many relationships in my life. Inspired by the love in which I was held during Esoteric Healing sessions I began to make changes to the way I lived. Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.
I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on: we may get a new partner or we may move to another country, but the momentum is still there hidden, waiting to manifest itself again and again.
The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.
With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse. Through developing the love I now have for myself, for the lovely lady I am, I have healed huge wounds that kept me from developing loving relationships.
Now, as I have developed my own self-love and have faced the pain that I had held onto, I find myself in my longest ever relationship (now 4 years) and engaged to a beautiful man. We are both committed to being and bringing true love into our relationship – to deal with our stuff and to evolve together. Of course there have been rocky times and I am sure there may be a few more to come, but overall our foundation is strong and built with a love and truth that pulls us back when we are off track to constantly remind us of our truth.
With the inspiration I have received from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and the women’s groups held monthly in London, I have deepened my level of self-worth and this has had a positive effect on all my relationships, whether they be with family, colleagues, friends or my partner.
I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.
by Samantha, UK
Further Reading:
Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am
It is as Simple as Loving Myself First
763 Comments
Yep hands up I can relate to this – and I would agree it was the level of disregard I carried for myself, my feelings and my body. I would also agree that a lack of self worth can allow abuse, and the only true way to heal this is to know and choose love for self first. This is not a selfish act, but one that is deeply caring and honouring. It is important to cut this idea that has been fed to many, that self love is being selfish or arrogant – this is in fact, not true. Self love and love are one of the most beautiful, natural and deeply honouring ways to be, it is naturally part of our divine rhythm and body.
As you, Samantha, I had several relationships with men which failed. And even the marriage I am in now would have almost failed if I would not have stepped into Universal Medicine and learned about the difference of soul and spirit and how the spirit manipulates situations where it can, which mostly leads to disharmony. So it was a blessing for me to understand that a true relationship with others can only come by having a loving relationship with myself and this is a journey which never ends in deepening itself, when I choose so. Today the relationship to my husband is much more respective, playful and light.
Great blog Samantha and well worth the read. Imagine the world where everybody loved and cared for themselves and each other deeply. There would be so much joy and truth, and most of all, harmony.
Very beautiful Samantha. I love the way you have described that basically everything you need is already inside of you, and it is just about building a relationship with all that is there and then sharing this with another with commitment and in truth. Wonderful to read and very inspiring too.
‘without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.’ Six years ago I left a 41 year long relationship with a beautiful man because in the end we were just destroying each other with our misery. Looking back I can see that it wasn’t a true relationship from the start, because Just as you described in your relationships, Samantha, I got lost in being everything I thought he wanted me to be, got involved in all his interests and was loving the attention he paid me at first, and hating the lack of it the longer we were together. He never really got to see and appreciate the true me. Looking back I can see how needy I was, how my own lack of self worth was affecting our relationship, how I would attack him with my judgements and criticism instead of appreciating what a truly lovely man he is, and what a beautiful woman I am. My neediness undermined my whole way of being and destroyed any chance of developing what could have been a powerful relationship.
Thank you Samantha for sharing your story, I am sure many can relate to this pattern and have been through break ups and heart breaks. I myself had been caught in that cycle you are describing… it is devastating. It is so good to read and hear that there is a way out of that, which truly works.
I completely agree Samantha England that the most important relationship we have is with ourselves which then affects all our other relationships. I can remember being in a similar pattern of a string of short relationships which all ended abruptly because of the way I was in them. But I remember thinking it was just because I had not met ‘the right one’ who would understand me! How often do we keep looking and searching for ‘the one’ thinking that we will find them out there somewhere when actually we already have ‘the one’ inside us.
Absolutely Andrew. What a lie we have all been fed that ‘the one’ is out there. Movies, music, tv constantly keep this lie alive by the way relationships are depicted. And yet as you say ‘the one’ will only ever be found within – and what a find that is.
I agree Andrew Mooney and if you look at the flavour of all the commenting there is a similar message as you have said, “the most important relationship we have is with ourselves which then affects all our other relationships.”
If we have relationship issues, there is always this tendency to look ‘at the other’. He or she is doing something wrong, he or she has to change, or I want he or she to give me this. But in fact the seed of all relationship issues, whether with a partner or a friend, lies in the relationship we have with ourselves. If we deal with our own hurts and issues, our own relationship changes, and therefor all of our relationship changes.
It really does appear that most of our emotional problems are down to a lack of self worth and self care. What we need is a world self love day that would hopefully extend to more than a day or even a week or more so people could get a taste for it and realise the necessity of it in healing a lot of the worlds problems.
I can relate to all you share here Samantha. I am realising that when you are in a true relationship with someone there is a lot of Love there being lived, and that without the foundations of a solid relationship with oneself there can never be the the love there to embrace all the love there that can be lived with another.
An amazing sharing Samantha and a complete confirmation that life keeps bringing us what we need to look at and what we have had a part to play in creating.
I too have healed many relationships issues and continue to do so each and everyday in order to deepen me, who I truly am and who and how I am with others. After all the world is filled with people and relating is something we do everyday.
Yes Johanna life does keep bringing us what we need to look at with in ourselves. As you say we get to deepen who we truly are by be willing and open to take the responsibility that is ours. I’ve discovered there is no escaping this part. It can be denied, buried, projected and transformed only to resurface with more force and dis-ease in the body. It’s worth taking the step towards our true selves and re-connect where love truly lives with-in us all.
I had to smile to myself as I read this blog as I was thinking back to the time a few years ago when I separated from my partner and moved out. Although I thought I’d worked on my hurts a lot up until that point, there was still an arragance in thinking that some of the relationship issues would automatically be resolved for me by the fact of moving out and not living with my partner. In other words, if I’m totally honest, I thought that most of the relationship issues were to do with my partner. Boy, did I get a bit of a wake up call when I realized that some of my issues were still there even after I’d moved, and that in fact, some of these issues came with me, which meant that I had to consider that ‘I’ was part of the issue!!! Through realizing this, I became aware there were still more things for me to work on. As with you Samantha, the key for me was to take responsibility for my own relationship with myself, and the more I have worked on this through deepening my self-care and self-love and my commitment to myself, the more I have been able to feel and develop this commitment and love in my relationships with others.
Thanks for sharing that with us Angela, love you honest expose!
I love this Angela and how true it is that we can think we have healed our hurts. When my husband and I separated I remember being lovingly told 12 months on that I had not healed my hurts and to get on and deal with them so that I could move on. A difficult time in my life as I got very honest with myself.
Beautifully honest and real post Samantha. So great to become aware and then break this pattern to result in a blossoming and lasting relationship that has a fullness and truth to it. Your healing words here say it all: “The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble”. Realising and accepting the natural love and worth of oneself, naturally pulls in the love of another. Beautiful.
Gorgeous Samantha. It completely turns relationship advice on it’s head when we have a loving relationship with ourselves to begin with.
Samantha, I really felt the joy of revelation of you finding you as you expressed in your blog. Thank you for your amazing honesty – it reminds me that we are always responsible for our experiences. Thank you.
What a beautiful and honest blog Samantha, this is a beautiful inspiration to man and woman young and old. Every relationship in life is as good as the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.
“Every relationship in life is as good as the quality of the relationship you have with yourself”… spot on Diana. This sentence is a bit of a wake up call to deepen the relationship with myself, thank-you.
Wow Diana, I always thought that relationships were all ‘out there’ I never considered that how I feel about myself is what I take into my relationships. Thank you for this refreshing way to look at things, I can feel it makes sense.
And what a beautiful relationship I can feel you have built with yourself Samantha. Your words here, I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works, are so spot on, as it makes so much sense that we look to ourselves first as to where we are at and what is going on for us as we are in fact in total control of the choices we make and how we feel, even if at times we don’t like to admit that. Everything begins and ends with us.
I know so well the pattern of out of control relationships that you describe so honestly here, Samantha. Irrespective of our age, women are beset by incredibly beliefs and ideals of how they should be conducting themselves in relationships. The shallowness of these beliefs is readily exposed when we embark on a course of loving ourselves first. A foundation of love and regard for ourselves means that we have something – ourselves – to bring to a relationship. Without that foundation, we ‘got nothing;’ with that foundation, we have everything – we have ourself – simply beautiful.
So lovely to hear that you have reached that place for yourself, Samantha, and that you are so open to sharing it.
As my relationship with myself deepens and expands, all the historical madness of the needs and game play dissolves. Relationships have become an amazing confirmation of love, rather than a sticky, icky need and expectation. I can feel that this can only get more amazing as my tenderness and commitment to me develops. This article and following comments are an inspiring insight into the power of simply taking responsibility. Thank you.
‘sticky, icky need and expectation’, thanks Matilda, this sums up perfectly how I have been in relationships. It is very healing to acknowledge this, and to know that the solution lies entirely within me, and is there to be chosen, and built upon in every moment.
“Historical madness” such a great way to describe it Matilda!
How many people make a living out of helping us with “relationship advice” when all that is needed is within us. Self-respect and self-love are the root of any healing. When we give ourselves to others out of what we think is love we lose ourselves and multiply the hurt. Thank you for sharing Samantha.
Agree Patricia, selling relationship advice is a big market place and the absurdity is that most advisors are not living in loving relationships themselves. Serge Benhayon presents how to re-connect to ourselves and build first of all a truly loving relationship with ourselves and live the love we are. He himself and his powerful and absolutely gorgeous wife Miranda are amazing and true role models of living love every second of their life. And the beauty is when you see and feel them it is not lived for themselves it is lived to reflect to everybody to live the same. When I look at their pictures on http://www.sergebenhayon.com/the-family-man.html I don’t feel “I want this” I feel “I have this too” and I can feel the absolutely deep love I have within myself. Very inspiring way to live!!!!
Brilliant Samantha. I felt reading this, that the truth you share here is something you deeply know. The details about the intensity and obsession are what I have felt too. It is exceptionally beautiful how you describe the love in which you were ‘held’ in the esoteric healing sessions. Its clear this inspired you to hold yourself and others this way too.
Beautifully expressed Joseph. Yes, it is beautiful how we can all be inspired by true love.
I agree Joseph – and I love how Samantha has expanded the idea of love just being an emotion with one person to something to we can have with EVERYONE. And also that we need to have it with ourself too!
Hi Samantha, this is such a well trodden familiar path for me too – the wanting of a relationship, putting it to the test to see if they were worthy of me and then becoming obsessive and losing myself in it. It always ended badly, and deep down I knew that this type of relationship was not true, it was based only on a neediness for it to work, to at least be in a relationship, to ‘have a man in my life,’ to at last feel worthy. All of those things do not come close to self love and self worth, for as I am still finding out for myself, these are the foundations that form true relationships.
A lot of people say “they lost themselves in the relationship and this put the partner off”. Could it be that it was also the partner’s issue?
I am with a person, I commit completely and the other person backs off because they don’t want to commit. That feels like a relationship failure but it actually is a shortcut out of a future bad relationship.
It may not all be our issue alone.
You’ll be putting many conventional relationship counsellors out of business Samantha, because your last line says it all. Nearly everyone I know including myself, have given themselves away to someone else to fill them up with validation and worth. I’m so aware of how much my self worth has been lacking through my life that it’s something I’m working very hard at rebuilding. And, should there be another relationship around the corner, I feel I am ready to approach it very differently to before, by simply bringing me and my foundation to it, without perfection.
Thank you Samantha. This truly does go to show how amazing a relationship can be, and the stupendous love it can have, when it is not based on need, but simply love
Well said Ben. It is sad to see so many people in the game kind of type relationships, like Samantha talked about above, while what is possible is relationships based on love, stupendous love.
I love how you share that finding yourself having the same experience time after time, just with a different person, made you realise that you had to take responsibility for how you were in that relationship. It would have been easier to blame the other person or wonder why you are so ‘unlucky in love’, but you chose the only option that could bring about change – taking responsibility and being committed to self-love first. I can relate to this in so many aspects of my life, not only relationships, thank you Samantha.
This is awesome Samantha and the best relationship advise any one can get. I came to a point where I felt I did not know what love was and deliberately choose to be without a partner for a couple of years to build a foundation in the relationship with me. If I am not living me and supporting myself fully then what is it I am sharing with my partner? As you say it then becomes about fulfilling needs and this definitely is not love!
It is a powerful statement to make “not knowing what love was”. I have also been in that position and it wasn’t until I stopped to really question my relationships, including with myself, that I realised I had quite a bit of work to do in really understanding what I had made this to mean and what it truly could mean.
Yes me too Nicole. I can relate to this.
Yes, it is quite amazing. In the beginning, love has nothing to do with the other. Only when we live and express love that is already within ourselves can it interact with another who responds or chooses not to.
The last line says it all Samantha “I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.” to heal the need to look out to fill us up is a empty path. It’s so beautiful that it comes from within and being loving, caring or just nice to start with! to ourselves.
I remember breaking up with a partner and in some ways doing the whole blame game thing. Then on a Relationship Course with Universal Medicine I realised that I was actually a lot more responsible than what I thought. I was outsourcing love and getting angry when it was not being returned. I was not prepared to bring the love to myself and to know that I was OK (or even amazing) as I am so I outsourced it and said to my partner (not officially) you be it for me because I am not going to be it for me. Not surprisingly it ended! So really awesome Samantha to read your blog about how you took responsibility for yourself and started to bring the love to you and look at the hurts & layers of protection you had around you. Awesome and inspiring work.
Outsourcing love. I have never seen it written like that, but this is exactly what happens. It’s actually no different to having to pay someone for something. In this case the payment is done through giving our power away and therefore being constantly drained because of the lack of love we are choosing for ourselves. And then from that drained, less than vital state we demand another to give us something we can’t be bothered to give ourselves. Not a recipe for a healthy relationship at all.
I love your phrase ‘outsourcing love’ Sarah. It totally sums up what we have been taught love is. I love you and you love me back and then we both feel ok! The minute one withdraws that love then the whole game is exposed.
I agree Vanessa, and not only do we look for relationships to fill our ‘needs’ when we don’t have self worth, we also can look for it in friendships, in our families, and even in our kids (if applicable)…
Developing self love and self worth has been a big issue for me to have to deal with. As you say Samantha, it’s foundational to all the other aspects of our lives and experiences. Over time I can see my sense of myself slowly growing as I develop a more steady, loving rhythm in my life. It often takes me by surprise when I notice how much easier things seem to fall into place once I have taken care to nurture these aspects of my life.
This line sums it up completely Helen “It often takes me by surprise when I notice how much easier things seem to fall into place once I have taken care to nurture these aspects of my life.” this is so true Helen life flows so much more easier when we self love, we do not have the emotional rollercoaster of looking for love outside ourselves.
So true Samantha, our own foundation of self-love is what is essential. Being able to truly get to that by clearing our hurts is part of developing and nourishing the self love that we already are and naturally there waiting to be claimed. This part is absolutely worth feeling and embracing even if it’s a bit uncomfortable at moments. I’ve discovered so much more joy, love and acceptance with myself and everyone rather than staying stuck in the cycle of being broken hearted because a relationship didn’t work out.
I can so relate to what you have experienced Samantha, like you through the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I am healing my lack of self worth and I am appreciating myself and what I can bring to the world, I love the confidence this gives me which is having a positive impact with my family, friends and work colleagues.
This article and comments are a tribute to the fact that searching outside of ourselves for love is a fruitless and painful game and that the quality of our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for everything. As I develop this primary relationship I watch my life change and blossom before me. Thank you, Mary and Samantha.
Thank you girls for these comments. I love what you wrote Mary:
‘I am healing my lack of self worth and I am appreciating myself and what I can bring to the world, I love the confidence this gives me which is having a positive impact with my family, friends and work colleagues.’
My experience was trying to fill the emptiness with children and boy oh boy did my relationship with them and everybody else change after I started building a relationship with myself and let go of a lot of ideals.
I love what you say hear Matilda that as you develop your relationship with yourself you watch your life change and blossom before you, this is beautiful and so true, we only need to acknowledge that gorgeous love already inside us to then be able to see it in another.
Thanks Samantha for your honest sharing. I had this patterns in my relationships with men, not as many as you, but still I noticed that it was just a repeating of that what I had not wanted in the last relationship, because I had not truly healed from the deeper issue with it. We cannot run away from our undealed issues. It helped me so much to take responsibility for my part and looking at my hurts I had been pushing away for so long.
Thats great Monika, by taking responsibility for our past hurts and dealing with them we open the floodgates for healing. By healing the hurts and taking out the blame we are able to move on and to see the truth of what is really going on with fresh untainted eyes.
Well said Samantha, we are so blinded by our hurts and blame that we often miss out on what life is offering us. It is well worth feeling our hurts and clearing our line of vision so we can see and appreciate ourselves and others and enjoin life with an unclouded openness that welcomes all lessons coming our way.
I agree Monika, sometimes issues can be extreme and obvious, and sometimes they can be subtle, but either way they can affect our relationships negatively. Actually exploring having relationship with ourself first can mean we don’t seek anything from anyone, removing need from relationships and allowing for true love and intimacy.
Your last line Samantha encapsulates your blog really well…’I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.’
Its so true because if we are not filling ourselves with our own love and care we are forever at the mercy of others feeding this need which keeps us on an unpredictable rollercoaster being puppeted by life and outside circumstances…not a fun way to live.
I love what you have said here Marika: “if we are not filling ourselves with our own love and care we are forever at the mercy of others feeding this need”. I can absolutely relate to this, and the crazy ride that follows; a most exhausting way to live.
Yes this is so true Marika. I can see how in my past relationships I wanted others to fill my needs. The thing was though, back then I could not see that this is exactly what I was doing and how much of a pressure that would of been for others.
Very true Marika. If the self-love and self-worth is not there in our lives, we are constantly looking for others or outside sources to fill the gap and take away the empty feeling inside… Indeed not a fun way to live.
Oh yes Marika I agree it is so true that it is “not a fun way to live” and we all know this. So why people are living not filling themselves with their own love first?? This question I ask myself and I could say that before I met Serge Benhayon I was not sure what love is – therefore I never said “I love you” to no one including myself. I need first him as a role model to remind me what true love means so that I could chose to love myself as well. I could feel that you and Samantha are also great role models to show the world what it means to truly and deeply love oneself and this I find very inspiring.
Samantha the way you have supported yourself to deal with your hurts and build self love so you could take a full you to relationships is very inspiring. Looking for others to fill an emptiness in us is something we can all relate to. I am finding the more I build self love the more full I get of myself and the less needy I am. This has supported all of my relationships to deepen and be more harmonious. Thank you for your awesome blog.
“I am finding the more I build self love the more full I get of myself and the less needy I am.” Wouldn’t it be great if we encouraged to build self love from an early age – that it was subject in schools even! We could have the best exam results or the highest paid job but neither is worth anything if we don’t self love.
This would change everything Samantha, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we encouraged to build self love from an early age – that it was subject in schools even!’ It is such an important subject but one that is not currently taught in schools, if it were all the other subjects would probably fall into place because the children would be rested, nourished, confident and so from here it would be a lot easier to learn all of the other subjects without self-doubt and exhaustion getting in the way.
This is pure gold Samantha and I can say from my own experience that this is true. I also have been going through the merry go round of the same relationships issues again and again. It is only since I stopped and really honestly looked at my relationships and how I was living with myself, that I have been able to make changes. I must say it is amazing to start loving myself and then bringing that love out into my relationships without the neediness creeping in.
Amazing Lieke – how you noticed the problems arise again in a relationship and instead of react, traced back your steps and discovered it was actually linked to how you were with yourself and the relationship you have with you.
Thank you Susie and yes it is amazing to see that even the things that happen and I think obviously have absolutely nothing to do with how I am with myself are always coming back to the relationship with myself. Even if the other person, be it a friend, family member or partner, is not being nice to me and truly in reaction, if I choose then to react as well and not stay in my loveliness and connection with myself, it is showing that I am not loving enough in the relationship with myself. This is truly empowering and inspiring to realise as it shows I can choose to come back and claim what I feel I deserve from myself.
Wow Samantha, you have described my past experiences with men perfectly! It is very refreshing to read of your transformation and inspiring to witness your present relationship that is built on true love and truth.
Absolutely gold relationship truth I say. I can feel how powerful this turnaround has been for you Samantha and really appreciate all you have shared. What a great reminder to work on my relationship with me.
Indeed – absolutely gold relationship truth
“The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by my lack of self love I had for myself” that one line sums up how we sabotage our relationships, without that foundation we are lost before we’ve even started.
Whoa but thats takes honesty and responsibility!
Yes Alison I completely agree. Without self love there is no foundation for any relationships to endure. That is huge .
Yes Alison, I agree and also, ‘ I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.’ This is a no win situation that feels horrible. How can we ask someone to do something for our selves that we have not been prepared to do? We have to deeply love, honour, cherish, connect and understand our selves first.
That is indeed the only way. All the other ways are outside of ourselves trying to ‘get’ something we don’t allow to give to ourselves.
What a beautiful article Samantha, I realized as I was reading that this can apply to any relationship, whether it be one with our children or work colleagues and even friends. Such a great realization that nothing will change without us taking responsibility, looking at the patterns and identifying why. As you say, a lack of self worth and self love will naturally set us up to fail. The relationship you have with yourself now and with your partner feels very warm and loving. Congratulations on such great work.
Jeanette, I agree, it doesn’t have to an intimate relationship between 2 people, it can be this way with all of our relationships. I have my own scientific experience of how since developing my own self love, and self worth, how this has effected and changed the many relationships that I have with friends and family. Real life proof… what is there to argue with?
This is very true Jeanette everything shared is applicable to all relationships, what I have realised lately is that I am not equal with all the different relationships I have, I compartmentalise myself and expression to suit the situation, massive control. Rather than feel I am enough as I am and to share that openly and equally with all, what I love about the esoteric work is that the medicine is more love, more care of myself and more appreciation of who I am. A living son of god. There is no need to work hard at this, rather it is getting out of the way and letting it run through.
I have been caught out lately by ‘outside’ influences, and allowed it to take me away from myself, so thank-you vanessamchardy for reminding me that the only medicine we need is more love and appreciation for ourselves, that way we can build a strong foundation and not impose on others, or let ourselves be imposed upon, because in truth it is not until we start to honour ourselves that this will be reflected back to us in all our relationships.
That’s a great point Jeanette. I also feel it is equally applicable to all relationships we have. Wherever I experience tension I have found is always a reflection of my own lack of love and is an opportunity to recognise this and work on building more love. There is so much potential for growth in all our relationships, the most important one being our relationship with ourselves.
It’s true Jeanette. If we were to apply the same to all relationships not just intimate ones imagine the change in the world.
Spot on Jeanette, definitely true by my accounts. I found this out after I separated from my partner of 35 years and moved into a shared house with a friend and found the very same problems coming up for me. Only this time I realised that I was the common denominator. This has allowed me to know myself and my husband in a whole new light.
Very true Jeanette. The quality of how we are with ourselves is the quality we take to each and every one of our interactions in the day even if on the surface it may not always appear that way.
Yes very true Joshua, I especially like the last part of your comment: “even if on the surface it may not always appear that way.” I notice that I am not always aware of the fact that how I treat myself comes out when I am relating with someone else. I actually noticed this recently, that I was a bit hard on myself in the day, stressed, tensed and not holding myself lovingly, then I wanted to be loving with someone but the only thing that came out of my mouth was hardness too! Like I couldn’t be loving. Very interesting to feel.
I love your honest appraisal of your past relationships Samantha,all of mine were very similar and like you what has changed these destructive relationships is developing and forever deepening self-nurturing and self love. My relationship with my self is now one based on love therefore my relationships with others is also based on this same loving foundation. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal medicine.
Here here Mary-Louise; ‘Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine’… and everyone else making the changes to self-love and care so others may do the same, we are paving the way for more Love on earth with each tender touch.
Yes it is beautiful to inspire and to be inspired and to have such amazing role models around us. Thank you Serge Benhayon!
I look back at my relationships and see a repeating pattern…different men, but always the same outcome of excitement, obsessive wanting to be around them, then starting to find faults, losing interest, then ending it after a few weeks of sulking.
I remember going to relationship counselling with one partner, sitting in the room thinking to myself “I have already left this relationship emotionally, I just haven’t physically moved out”.
I was always the one to end my relationship, bar one. At the time I believed each one was completely different, a whole new set of problems. All along it was the same pattern with subtly different flavours.
What I see now is that my pattern with men was an exact replica of the way I was with myself – periodically interested when I was going well, but an expert fault finder and relentlessly self critical, and very good at giving up myself when times were tough. There was no way I was going to be loving with those men when I was not loving with me.
The relationship I am developing now is one with me. It is actually tremendously good fun, challenging, and I can see that it is the key that has been missing from every other relationship.
This is such a great example Rachel, whenever I went out with guys on dates (in the past), I always had the feeling that the depth/their depth was missing, and that this depth of connection was the one thing I wanted, even craved. When I didn’t get it, all guys/dates were ‘never right’, until such a time where I ended up compromising and just accepting (but not really wanting to accept!) that ‘this was how it was’. Back then, I had not made the connection that: what we look for or want in a partnership must be lived by ourselves first: tenderness, cherishing, honouring, depth, warmth, understanding, LOVE, true union and deep connection. And so began my relationship where I’ve fallen in love with a gorgeous woman – myself.
Greatly put. I have found out as well that whatever I want to find in a relationship I need to live first myself. It’s almost like an open door (Dutch expression) when I write it down, but hardly ever lived in relationships. We always seek in others, what we don’t live ourselves. So yes, me too have fallen in love with me and I get that reflected by….my boyfriend.
Yes Zofia, The lack of depth in “them” is something I relate to. I was ignoring the fact that there was no depth in the way I related to myself. In a way it was laziness! I wanted them to connect to the parts of me I was not willing to.
Well said Rachel. It is a laziness and so very demanding. What a strain that puts on any relationship.
I so agree Zofia, and Rachel and others. I was always looking for ‘depth’ and for other things from the men I dated – when all the while I didn’t have a loving relationship with myself – so even if a man did treat me well – there was a constant void I felt – the void of me missing me.
Great point Rachel and Zofia. It is awesome when we have the realisation that if we are nit picking something about another, that we really should turn the tables back at ourselves and see the reflection that they may be offering us.
Beautiful Zofia, I had the same experience, where nothing felt right or true in any relationship I’ve had, but now I realise that was never going to be possible because my own relationship was self-criticism and damning – turning that around is turning my life around.
I love the way you say you had to “rehabilitate destructive patterns within yourself” Felicity, it’s a perfect description of what it’s like to liberate ourselves from ingrained non-serving patterns and behaviours. To me it’s been like a big ‘detox’ as well. I’ve needed to cleanse myself from self-doubt, disregard and self-loathing which Esoteric counselling, healings and chair-puncture have greatly assisted me with, whilst ‘rehabilitating’ new self-loving and self-honouring patterns as my new norm.
Like you Zofia I always felt there was something missing in the man I was dating. He was never good enough to start or continue a relationship with. And when I did like a man I would totally loose myself. Very confronting to realize that to be able to find what I am looking for in a man I have to find it in myself first.
Wow thank you Samantha and Rachel. Rachel this is gold, I completely understand and relate, “my pattern with men was an exact replica of the way I was with myself – periodically interested when I was going well, but an expert fault finder and relentlessly self critical, and very good at giving up myself when times were tough. There was no way I was going to be loving with those men when I was not loving with me.”
Love what you have expressed above Rachel, it is amazing all the many different types of behavior patterns we can fall into. What you share here is priceless “The relationship I am developing now is one with me. It is actually tremendously good fun, challenging, and can see that it is the key that has been missing from every other relationship”
I have been single now for 4 years, after 36 (ahem!) years of serial monogamy. Every relationship I entered expecting it to fail!!! Oh my! I had not really contemplated that until I read your blog…but that is how I have been with myself too. Always anticipating failure, always ready for the rejection of me, the blame and the scathing critique.
Being single, by choice, has allowed me to gain this momentous insight, right now, sitting in my PJ’s no less, completely undistracted by laying the blame on any other person.
So true Rachel and others that have responded to Samantha’s blog. We put out what is inside; how simple is that? How complicated and emotional do we make it? We have been set up to believe that our truth and fulfilment is beyond us and that someone or something else (intimate partners, work, religion, sport, politics, etc.) holds the key. When we are taught in our homes, schools and workplaces that WE ARE IT and that all we need, is inside us and is already complete, then what a beautiful journey to understand that our relationship with ourselves comes first, is treasured and is reflected in our relationship with others. This is the future.
I am contemplating just how wide spread is the message that the answer lies outside of us, and that we will be fulfilled by our relationships. It is in EVERYTHING. For a girl, this is overlaid by such a strong romantic notion. Every generation of of girls grows up believing that having a boyfriend and then a partner will be the icing on the cake of happiness. How is it , when this is so clearly untrue, that we have seemingly not moved on?
Rachel this is such a deep resonating truth about the reality of how I’ve waxed and waned in relationship: “periodically interested when I was going well, but an expert fault finder and relentlessly self critical, and very good at giving up myself when times were tough. There was no way I was going to be loving with those men when I was not loving with me.” Thank you for brining this in to the light. Time for deepening my self-loving connection with me, there is no space for any self doubt or criticism as it not only hurts me but as you say – shows up in relationships – all of them. The truth of energy can’t not be hidden it can be smothered, denied, rejected and projected but it doesn’t go away.
Beautiful comment Rachel and one I can completely relate to. It took me a long time to realise that I was simply repeating patterns in my relationships and usually blaming others when they failed. Great to see that and begin to take responsibility for my part in relationships by taking responsibility to deepen my relationship with myself. How much lovelier it is to be loving myself and living my relationships from there.
This is so simple, ‘My relationship with my self is now one based on love therefore my relationships with others is also based on this same loving foundation’, if we love and care for ourselves we are naturally more loving and caring for others, this simple truth is not taught or talked about, apart from by a very few and yet if lived this would change everything.
Ditto Mary-Louise, my experience was similar and I’m sure we can all recognise ourselves in this blog. Serge Benhayon for me was the game changer in my life, he has through the teachings of Universal Medicine shown me a different way to live and be with myself, I have been able to start loving myself and this is changing my relationship to all others. I’m not so self protecting keeping everyone at bay with my defensive attitude.
Hear, hear Mary – Louise. Serge Benhayon has taught me that to love and appreciate ourselves first, then we will not come from a neediness in our relationships. Which when explained makes complete sense. What Serge has presented is huge and has enormous potential as people listen and apply it for themselves.
My feelings exactly Mary-Louise; thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine – me too, I am deepening my love for myself, instead of needing others to provide the love we all want to live in. It all starts with our relationship with ourselves.
Marie-Louise that is they key, to really work on our relationship with self love and with this foundation of love we can then build relationships with others.
Yes Amita, and we can know the details of what to work on by the flavour of the reflections we receive from others. One thing for sure everything that we experience with another, every relationship, is a direct reflection of how we are with ourselves and where we are at in life. It’s so amazing, a total blessing to have every single other person on the planet as a mirror. I am very grateful to have learned about the ‘Science of Reflection’ from Serge Benhayon through Universal Medicine, for until I knew this I was caught in the same cycle of expectations, blame and defensiveness that seemingly plagues us all.
Samantha, that is very much to the point and honest. I recognize many things you describe, such as the game of attracting and pushing away. It was a very emotional game that I played with myself. I am so glad I don’t have to do that anymore!
‘The game of attracting and pushing away’ is something we play not just with a partner, but with friends and even with our own relationship with love that reside within us. We all want love, but spend all our time pushing it away.
Wise words Ariana, and it’s crazy when you stop and ponder this; we push away what we truly want most.
Great words Michelle, we push away what we truly want most. I am becoming more aware of this every day. I keep people at arms length to avoid getting hurt but I’m hurting me by having no close relationships and having to feel this in my body.
This is so crazy, the fact that love is what we all truly want, and yet at the same time we spend all our time pushing it away! Yes Lindell, I can relate with what you share, ‘we push away what we truly want most. I am becoming more aware of this every day. I keep people at arms length to avoid getting hurt but I’m hurting me by having no close relationships and having to feel this in my body.’
So true Ariana. How crazy is it that we push away love?
Yes, great comment Jane and Ariana, I wonder if it is actually a reflection of our own love that we push away, or disregard our own love, and this is mirrored by pushing away the same love that is expressed from another. So in deepening our own self care and self love, we open ourselves to receive it from ourselves – first, which then opens us to be able to receive it (love) from others. This perhaps demonstrates that a loving relationship really does start with loving ourselves first and not looking for love in another.
Yes Ariana that’s true we all do want love and either push it away or create barriers around ourselves to stop its gorgeous light permeating through.
The insidiousness of that part of us that constantly rejects love even though it craves it desperately is a truly strange anomaly. It really does not make sense to any logic unless we understand that that part of us chose to be individualistic and to separate from that relationship with love. It struggles to come back to love for if it did it would have to admit that it is not an individual but part of a much greater whole and thereby lose its identification through the pain of its own creation.
Crazy isn’t it; but why do we push love away?
Oh my goodness, thank you Ariana. I had not seen how I play the same game of saying yes, and then no to my own love. As you say, we push away our own love. How completely crazy, when love is what we all crave.
So true Ariana, its not just with our partners we can play the attracting and pushing away game it is also with ourselves! A steady commitment and consistency is needed for loving oneself, this for me is forever developing and a constant work in progress, it is so worth the effort as self love is the foundation upon which we look out at the world with.
True Ariana – as I am more honest with how attached I was to playing the game, I can see how it came into every relationship in some way.
Understanding how people tick and adjusting our game to get what we want out of it. That isn’t love or humanity, that is total manipulation. It’s great to see this for the rawness of what it is and let go of it.
This is wise words Ariana and this article is a very open and honest account on how so many of us live life today and deem as normal. Given that our upbringings hugely impact the way we are in later life I can see the patterns starting at such a young age and being very in-breaded by the age of 9. Quite something to change a momentum that has taken place for so many years and yet so very worthwhile to stop and start to break down and dismantle such unloving behaviours.
It is wonderful to have the choice not to play that game, with its exhausting cycles. Your point about the fact that we do this with ourselves is well noted. And of course if we are oscillating between loving and hating ourselves how on earth can we be consistent with anyone else?
So so true Rachel
Yes Rachel. How can we bring consistency to another if we are not building a foundation for ourselves first.
This game of attracting and pushing away, is most certainly done with ourselves and others. It is something we don’t do consciously, but up to us to bring awareness to our patterns or behaviour, so to change and bring choices to how we live.
Well said Raegan, I so agree the power to change this lies within each and everyone of us. All it takes is making a choice for truly living lovingly.
Me too Simone, what a huge emotional game we all play. And like you I’m glad I don’t do that any more thanks to the relationship workshops of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Thanks Simone and Samatha, I loved this piece – “I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need” –
The roller coaster ride of highs and lows in so many relationships comes from an unsettling feeling of who we are and so the seed of doubt is shown. As you shared Samantha the greatest relationship of all is to start with oneself and only then are we ready to share this with another.
Without a doubt, the kind of love we need to foster a loving relationship is love of ourselves first and foremost. Thank you for your blog Samantha, an absolute pleasure to read.
Hear hear Matthew!
I second that Johanna08.smith! True relationships can only come from self-love first and before we can truly love another.
Wow such a game changer for Samantha and so many others around her- she is blessed by the fact she chose to look at her contribution to the mess she found herself in time and time again. I too have had to rehabilitate destructive patterns within myself, and found a new simple way forward stemming from the fact I was already enough just as I am, and didn’t need anything from anyoneelse. My relationships have improved out of sight with this approach.
So true Angela
Those words are so simple and true and I notice that in daily life it is not the most easy thing to do. To have deep ingrained patterns of focussing on taking care of others or demanding certain behaviors from others around me and to change to focusing on every moment first and how my connection is with me is a whole new challenge in life. But one which is great to go for. Every step I get to feel the honoring amd appreciation towards myself and I feel more the love I am and I nauurally get it refelcted in life back to me.
So true Sylvia life reflects to us back the love we give to ourselves. If we are hard, harsh and critical of ourselves this is also what we will see in others. It is time to do away with the unloving and harmful voice we can walk around with and instead choose to celebrate the love we naturally are.
You are so right Matthew. That love we hold for ourselves then permeates to all around and that’s pretty magical.
I agree Kelly it is pretty magical.
Yes Kelly, magical and truly inspiring for all.
Well said Matthew – and Samantha. It is bizarre that in our upbringing we are not raised, or educated at school to understand that the most beneficial and foundational relationship we have is first and foremost with ourselves – and that that become the foundation for all other relationships. Unless we truly know who we are – what basis are our relationships built upon?
I agree Jane. It’s really bizarre that we’re brought up to believe someone outside of ourselves will deliver us all the love we’re not discovering within ourselves. I’ve been so needy in past relationships I’ve completely missed appreciating what was there to be appreciated. But I couldn’t appreciate a thing because I didn’t even know how to appreciate myself. It’s no wonder I always felt disappointed. It’s a cycle set up to fail.
So true Karin. Trying to get someone else to fill in the gaps inside ourselves is a recipe for disaster. As I am learning to be more appreciative of myself, so I have noticed my friendships are reflecting that aspect back to me. Its a win-win situation. Great blog Samantha.
Yes Samantha I feel the same. There is no room for a true relationship with another unless we appreciate who we are and what we bring to ourselves first.
That’s great Lorraine that you noticed that the more you appreciate yourself you find your friendships reflect this back. I do not feel there is a relationship in this world (whether it is a fleeting meeting with a stranger at a shop or an age old friendship) that does not truly benefit from us bringing more self love and appreciation into our lives. If we want to change the world it really does start with true self love first.
I agree Karin and Jane and it is ridiculous nearly everybody is seeking outside of them. It is like a disease most people get effected by. Jane you mentioned it very clear: “It is bizarre that in our upbringing we are not raised, or educated at school to understand that the most beneficial and foundational relationship we have is first and foremost with ourselves.” So lets love ourselves first and stop this disease.
This explains why when we starve or give up on the forever deepening relationship with ourselves, our focus can become more about what we are getting from relationships opposed to what we bring to them.
This is how it had been for me Karin, I couldn’t appreciate any relationship before as I was always measuring it and expecting it to fill a space where I should have been loving and appreciating myself. Doing so means all relationships become more open and have much much more potential to flourish.
Yes and this is a point too, that partnerships can flourish. We should have a solid foundation with ourselves before engaging with a partner. But that does not mean that we have to wait till we think we are perfect. We have to be aware of certain behaviours we have as Samantha did. As a relationship is there to grow and evolve together. It will bring things to the surface which we wouldn’t have seen on our own.
Great point shared Stephen. Measuring and expecting in a relationship, does little to foster the potential to love more and grow in partnership with another.
Yes I recognize so much in what you are saying Karin. My neediness started out with madly falling in love – which I now understand as someone filling the emptiness inside me. That gap-filling, which people also call attraction, at a certain moment wears out and then I just expected that the love would grow, which of course it didn’t because there wasn’t that much love inside me.
Since encountering Universal Medicine I am practicing a different way, which is simple but not easy because as I haven’t really learned to build a loving relationship with myself as well. Work in progress, I am starting to know and like the real me, more and more.
I love the tenderness in your sharing Willem, and also how you have raised the question of what happens when the ‘gap filling’ or attraction wears out. For me I used to to turn to drama at that point. Drama is certainly no substitute for the love that I was seeking, but not building.
Willem your reference to gap filling made me laugh. Imagine if we were that honest and said, this relationship is a ‘gap filler’. Now that would be more confronting and real. All my relationships were gap fillers until I learnt the fundamental key to relationships is developing a relationship with myself first.
Quicksand !
When truth is expressed it is felt in the body and reading your words here Jane was one of those moments. My relationship with myself is my relationship with others as it reflects me – my self awareness, my self expression, my connection to my own love. So powerful and beholding when this is truly felt.
Yes Jane, it is bizarre that we are not raised to build a foundation of love within ourselves. But this can’t be taught by a society that does not have this understanding in the first place. But now we know the truth we can change societies way of thinking by reflecting to them our own foundation of love and then take it to the next generation and the next, that way ALL of our foundations will then be strong enough to withstand anything because we will be well on our way back to who we truly are.
It is bizarre but all change starts with ourselves first. We can change the future by choosing to live the true love that we are now.
Absolutely Donna, can only start with ourselves choosing moment to moment to live from the love that we are.
Where not only raised not to build self love we are actually discouraged from it! This has happened generation after generation – time to change the mould I feel!
Yes Samantha, generation after generation we have imposed a false ideal on each other and forced ourselves into a mould that we do not fit. When we try to fit in it is so un-natural and restrictive it makes us sick.
yes learning how to appreciate self in all the nuances and subtleties that we each bring really needs to be on the national curriculum! As it stands we are taught to push and strive to better oneself from the perspective that we are not worth very much if we don’t. Although this might secure us in getting the trappings of a comfortable life it is really valueless when it comes to us learning to live life in full with a joyful heart and a sense of loving purpose. So many come to the end of their careers feeling flat and dull because the emptiness was never dealt with, just covered up. To live through life with a deep love of oneself is so foundational that the many positive repercussions simply keep rippling outwards.
Let’s make that the international and compulsory curriculum – Love 10101: Learning to Love One Self then One Other and One Another!
I will back that Victoria, bringing a compulsory component of ‘love’ into our education curriculum worldwide, ‘Love 10101: Learning to Love One Self then One Other and One Another!’ Essential teaching, so it becomes everyone’s normality.
Yes please Victoria! Love 10101 needs to be compulsory teaching for everyone in every part of the world.
Let’s bring it on!
Yep I agree this needs to be changed .. lets do it
What a great concept Jane. What would the world look like if the foundation with ourselves was taught as being just as important as reading writing and arithmetic. Now that is an impressive solid foundation of 4.
I totally agree Jane, the relationship we have with ourselves, becomes the foundation of all others we have with family, friends, colleques or with our partner. Investing in a deep loving and caring relationship with self is a healing for everyone we are surrounded by.
So true Jane, if we had some education on self love and self care then so much heartache could have been avoided. The constant merry go round of one relationship and then the next and the hurts we bring from one to the next could well be avoided with a little education on how to self love who we are.
Absolutely Mathew
So true Matthew – it is the bestest foundation we can ever stand upon as Samantha’s blog so clearly shows.
Yes I agree Matthew, also from being a student of Universal Medicine I have been able to see my part in relationships with partners and why they didn’t work instead of always blaming the other person; but yes we definitely need to honour, love and cherish ourselves first.
How can we be in aloving relationship when we don’t love ourselves? Thank you for sharing Samantha.