My experience of exercising over the last 35 to 40 years, would be to say that when taken to great lengths it can become an addiction – like any other drug. With this addiction I would use exercise to numb and avoid the feelings of emptiness I had, to control emotions that would arise, and use it as a way of expunging any pent-up feelings.
I used exercise to fill the void. It provided a high that encouraged me to go back to the gym to get my next fix.
When I was working, before I had my children, I felt I had exercise in balance. This was in the eighties when aerobics had just started and the classes were more organic and less frenetic than they are now. I would go to two, maybe three classes per week, and walk.
But after having children and spending more time in my own company without the distraction of work, a feeling of emptiness started to rise up, as well as a feeling that I wasn’t doing enough by just being at home, even though I adored my two children and loved caring for them. My daily routine was built around the exercise class times and if I couldn’t get there then it had to be a power walk. If I wasn’t able to exercise, either because of time constraints or because I was exhausted, I would become frustrated, restless, and at times angry.
The emptiness that I felt was such a deep pain inside. I didn’t know what it was and I just wanted to get rid of it. It was a bottomless pit that nothing could fill – not food, my husband, children, friends, movies, travel or any other distraction that I tried. And as it turned out not even exercise; however, it kept the uncomfortable feelings I was having at bay, just like a ‘drug’.
If we were doing things on weekends or visiting friends and family, again, the exercise would come first. We couldn’t go anywhere until I’d been to a gym/fitness class, or we’d have to leave early so I could get to one upon our return home. And if the gym was closed for any reason I was not happy!
I thought I was doing well by not using alcohol and I thought I was okay because what I was doing was contributing to my health and fitness so that I could better cope with life. However, it had an insidious effect on me, and my relationships: nothing was being dealt with, instead only being further buried.
I didn’t know how to deal with the difficulties I had in my relationships, or with my lack of self-worth. I would withdraw, become frustrated, tense or angry and I didn’t feel that it was okay to be feeling any of this. I felt frustrated that my relationship with my husband wasn’t working so I’d go back to using exercise to make myself feel better and to prevent me from getting to the point of feeling the absolute devastation of the lack of communication and intimacy within my marriage.
Thirty years later, after my marriage breakdown I was diagnosed with third stage adrenal exhaustion. I thought I had the side benefit of being extremely fit but due to my exercise addiction I was pushing my body so hard that I was experiencing respiratory infections every six weeks and then was eventually diagnosed with third stage adrenal exhaustion and depression.
I’m very grateful to have come across the teachings of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon: with the support of Esoteric Practitioners I’m learning to connect with myself and deal with any feelings as they arise. I now have the understanding that I am much more than what I believed myself to be.
I realised that I was using exercise as a drug to run away from myself.
For three years I stopped all exercise apart from gentle short walks which were incredibly important, and Connective Tissue Exercises, which are very gentle and powerful and I was able to do those lying down. I couldn’t do anything without going into the drive and push of the way I used to exercise. At the beginning, this was all I was able to do for some time. I’m now rebuilding and enjoying exercising, using an exercise program provided for me by an Esoteric Practitioner. This program has been tailored for me and for where I’m at, including weights, using them in a gentle and very supportive way. It allows me to stay connected with myself and it feels great!
The way back to exercise has been a lengthy and considered one. To heal the adrenal exhaustion (which is still lingering) has required me to completely surrender whenever I feel tired and to avoid any form of artificial stimulation through sugar, caffeine or stress. I was provided with programs very specific to my energy levels and this has required me to be very connected to my body and the way it feels so as not to overexert myself and increase the exhaustion. The moment I feel any fatigue is an indication for me to stop. Something I was able to connect to throughout this process was that if I rested as soon as I felt the feeling of tiredness come on, the feeling of depression and negative thoughts would dissipate.
I also found enormous benefit through attending the Universal Medicine healing courses – as well as support through other Esoteric Healing Modalities, including Chakra-Puncture. I began to understand the importance of being aware of how I was feeling and the draining effect of giving my power away to anything or anyone. Learning to say ‘no’ became very important.
I have also been working in conjunction with my doctor, whose support and guidance has been a very important part of regaining my energy levels and my health.
I feel that healing my exercise addiction and adrenal exhaustion would not have been possible without me being absolutely inspired by Serge Benhayon and those involved with Universal Medicine.
By Anonymous, NSW
Further Reading:
Serge Benhayon on Fitness, Physical Exercise and the Gentle Breath
From Sport to Exercise: A Journey of Self-Acceptance
Serge Benhayon Didn’t Tell Me How To Exercise – I Connected To Me And Went From There
711 Comments
When we are desperate to fill the bottomless void that is our lack of connection to ourselves we will use anything that we can and something like exercise can be even more insidious as it is seen as ‘healthy’. Thank you for sharing your experience of healing your addiction to exercise and the support you have had to connect to your body and listen to what feels true for it which is such a powerful message and increasingly needed in our society where lack of exercise is seen as a major concern but we also need to be aware of the dangers of going to the other extreme.
I was addicted to exercise, and loved how I felt with exercise in my life, but I likewise pushed my body too hard and also burnt out my adrenals in the process. I have learnt the hard way, of listening to and honouring my body – and healing what is causing the addiction in the first place.
Addiction can come in many disguises.
Thanks for this; you’ve helped me understand more about exhaustion and the importance of staying connected to what we can feel, saying no and not giving our power away to anything or anyone. I’m slowing building my vitality up, but any time I push it I’m immediately exhausted. Also helpful what you shared about stress being an artificial stimulant. We usually don’t think of stress as a choice, but something that overwhelms us and that we are victims of. Learning and experimenting with what builds our vitality and what depletes us – just by staying aware of what and how we feel – means that bit by bit it starts to feel easier to want to make more supportive choices. And the stress starts to disappear by itself.
Like so many things we can use Exercise as a means to support us, or turn to its darker side and as a form of abuse, and way to avoid what is really going on. When its brought back in as a support it is awesome, no doubt.
I love how this blog highlights how we can use exercise as a way to stuff down our feelings, which is no different than food and yet exercise is seen as one of the healthiest things we can do, but it shows that even this can be abused.
I find that doing gentle exercises in connection with my body is a true support to my health and wellbeing.
When you really feel deep within you you know how gorgeous and amazing we all are. It takes a lot and I mean A LOT of work and energy to fight that!
When you realise how invested you have been in something – in this case exercise – then we can start to look at why and how this has become such a focus. I too was very caught up in exercise and the need to do it as part of a balanced life, and much the same when I realised the control I had with it, I backed totally away. But it has set up a new foundation for me to re-imprint what exercise can feel like when doing it in response to the body.
This feeling of emptiness is something I can relate to very well, and especially in the context of suddenly having lots of time on my own, where the empty feelings of isolation which had always been there are suddenly no longer able to be distracted away from, and the real life fact that who I am has been a mystery all this time comes crashing in. And it can be difficult to remain steady in amongst this, especially when you have not been given the tools for life in how to deal with this situation. But what I have discovered is that no matter what, your true self is always there to support you, that we are forever held by the love that is in our hearts, and all the sorrow and the pain is not ever bigger than this love.
Exercise is a way to stay fit and be healthy, but when it is done with drive and hardness it is anything but healthy, so much true feeling of what is happening in the body is lost and it just becomes a way of dulling the emptiness that the body is feeling at a deeper level.
Just another form of drug, ‘I realised that I was using exercise as a drug to run away from myself.’
How important is it to exercise, and not only exercise but to feel how your body wants to move without any concept? Now that would be an experience we need to further discover. I am inspired by the Esoteric Teachings and courses by Universal Medicine. I am looking forward to more..
Who would have thought that we can use exercise as a way to numb ourselves, no different than food? Often we are sold the lie that to be healthy would mean being dedicated to our fitness sessions (in whatever flavour) and having the perfectly toned body would show the world that we have it all covered and we are on top of it. It seems that much of what we do is to create a picture for the outside world and yet, in reality, we are not coping that well.
Yes, we can use exercise to numb ourselves, equally we can use food, our mind, and many more things that we originally thought was us being healthy.
It is like we can use anything as an addiction- it is the intent behind why we are using it and how we use it that can either support us to connect to ourselves or take us away from ourselves and keep us in a momentum.
100% MW – its all about the why we are doing something. Is it to evolve us and support us in a continued expansion, or the other?
Anything that we use to numb the feeling of emptiness and futility inside can become addictive and it is especially sinister when it passes the test of ‘being good for you’.
Having the drive in our lives only leads onto us overriding the messages of the body but long term this will only lead us down the path of exhaustion being propped up with stimulants, such as coffee or energy drinks. I am no stranger to this way of life and have had my fair share of adrenal fatigue (still do when I get sick as it takes longer to recover), but I am learning that it does not pay to ignore the body and the care that it needs.
” I now have the understanding that I am much more than what I believed myself to be. ”
Wow this is so important , for beliefs are imposed on us as we grow therefore the truth of each person is never revealed.
What I got from this is that it is clearly visible in the gym when you see someone ‘exercising from their head’ and the difference between someone who is exercising in connection to their body- the difference is so tangible and so clearly felt, it is disharmonious for the body to be pushed in certain ways and so some movements are clearly from ideas or pictures not from what the body needs or would communicate.
It is empowering to expose the many ways we choose to abuse ourselves and our bodies. I certainly needed to exercise regularly as I used exercise to push, drive and over exert myself in order to gain a sense of satisfaction or feeling good about myself. Yet this was so short lived and set up a momentum of drive for the day, leading to exhaustion at the end of the day. Not truly honouring or supporting me to live with presence, in connection to my inner-quality. I now do exercise, and regularly but consciously being present and aware of my connection to my body and being, which supports me to continue with this quality of movement throughout my day.
Any time that we drive ourselves, in anything, for long periods, it will set up a rhythm in our bodies that is nothing short of an addiction. Taking the opportunity to reflect on this can have deep and a profound effect upon our lives.
I exercise to support my connection to my body through gentle movement and gentle breathing. If either two I cannot hold I stop to reconnect.
Thank you Anonymous, we do not often equate so called healthy activities as being addictive and yet if they are done in the way you describe here they are like drugs of any kind… robbing us of the true connection to our bodies, and depleting of our energy and true natural vitality.
When we realise that it is the quality rather than the quantity of exercise and feeling how we are moving while we exercise then exercise becomes a physical support and not an obsessive addiction.