I was out for dinner recently with work colleagues and was asked ”How are your kids going?” This was a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on where my kids were at, and what measure I was using to assess this. As parents we are so often asked about how our kids are doing – it’s a standard question when people interact – and if we have favourable responses, we can assure ourselves that all is well.
My Road Map into Parenting My Kids…
I know when I first began my road into parenting I was sure I knew what and how I wanted my kids to be. I had visions of top school reports, assuring me that my choices of private schools would pay off. If my kids then made it into university and into a stable career path that would also assure me that they were doing well. At some point, I imagined they would find a suitable partner and settle down.
Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.
Approximately seven years ago, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine came into my life and I began to re-evaluate all my notions of success in all areas of my life, and that included my kids. They had been my main focus as I was heavily entrenched in the role of being a mother at that time. I realised that I had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment. There was much to re-consider.
One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent. I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.
In the past I had a tendency to look to the school’s assessment of academic success as a major yardstick by which to judge if my kids were doing ok, even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment.
I also used to think that the most important thing was a high paying job, irrespective of HOW the person was IN that job, and HOW they got there. This is the same sort of thinking that allows students to stay up late studying on copious amounts of coffee or other stimulating drugs if need be, just to get through exams, only to crash afterwards with exhaustion. How can this be a true way to prepare for adult working life?
Taking Responsibility and Showing My Kids Self-Love through Choice
As I decreased my reliance on the school to provide anything other than basic tools and skills for life, I consciously took responsibility to live a deeper quality at home by way of treating myself with love, care and respect. I showed by my own choices that my body was worthy of respect – I no longer chose to put things into it that were not honouring or supportive of my body.
As I began to feel the true effects of eating certain foods, I began removing them from my diet. I no longer have alcohol, caffeine, gluten and dairy or excess sugar, and I feel so much lighter and more vital.
I give my kids the opportunity to eat gluten and dairy free foods and see for themselves how those foods feel in their own bodies. They may not be wanting to commit to these dietary choices for themselves completely, but at least they know they have a choice.
I often have early nights and I encourage my children to feel if their bodies ask them to do the same. They don’t always choose this, but they are seeing me listening to my body.
I have been working on my inner stillness and calm: from this vantage point I can see and feel what’s going on for the kids more clearly than ever before.
I can see clearly and get a sense of:
- How they are when around certain friends; who they can be themselves with and which ones they change for and why, and I often share what I observe with them. It helps them see what’s going on too, and how it feels
- How being at school all day affects them. How they are after school and how to support them to let go of the day
- How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school
- When they need support due to any overwhelm they may be feeling.
I observe it all and am relying on my inner wisdom to know when to intervene and when to let them sort life out for themselves.
So, in answer to the question, “How are your kids going?” I answered:
- My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk
- They tell me more about how they really feel in situations and with other people, including relatives, teachers and friends
- They will often notice that they feel different things from people, and how some things that others say and do feel right, and some do not
- I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings.
I recognise a variety of behaviours that show me where they are at:
- If they become quite reactive when I say no to something, then I know we have some sorting to do
- When they take responsibility for what’s going on in their lives, I know they are really learning and growing
- When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it
- And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.
Parenting Kids – Without Perfection, and Letting Go…
All of my kids have their own paths to take and their own choices ahead, but I know that if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok. That is the way I now parent; to reflect those qualities to my kids as consistently as I can. I admit, there is no perfection, I make plenty of mistakes still, but that’s ok. I trust the process.
I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.
My colleague said she felt incredibly inspired after talking with me. I can see why. . . it’s amazing how simple and fun parenting my kids can now be.
Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Felicity, Australia
Further Reading:
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
Carrot Soup for Two – a Breakfast Date With My 7 Year Old
What your blog shows us all Felicity is how much we are saturated and entrenched in the ideals and beliefs around education and how that is a must have foundation to a successful career and life. Without any thought of our bodies and what we have to do to achieve this so called success.
Parenting has very much to do with observation and the lived love that then we can share with children by reflection. All of this gives them the space to learn and grow being themselves, from a true basis of love.
SL OH
What an amazing turn around, from a baby boomers perspective, where as a child we were to be seen and not heard, and thus were placed in a silence corner if we spoke out of turn. We were never ask how we felt about school, the pupils, or teachers, so opening up to sharing is a blessing that is seen in so many young children who are parented in a True way as you have shared Felicity.
“There was much to re-consider.” It is interesting that much of parenting is supporting children – and yourself – in what to let go of, instead of all the information to take on.
Gorgeous blog to read today trusting the process of parenting. I too when I feel a pang of holding onto my children I let it go. I have been like this since day one. I also got a sense immediately when I fell pregnant with each one of them that my kids were not for me, they were/are for everyone. I am not perfect and sometimes especially when one of my children is recognised in some way that I want to own my child but this feels extremely uncomfortable in my body that it is not long before I am connected back to myself; the stronger my connection becomes to self the easier it is to let go of this ill energy that dominates society raising our kids.
The power of education in parenting in the home prepares children for what they meet in the school system.
That question makes me realise how much we put on kids to conform to what we like and expect. A child “going well” should be joyful, vital, love life, be able to communicate what is true for them – it’s the basic life values that we need to be imparting, not the kind of “success” such as good grades, good school, good friends etc – there is something much more valuable we can impart to our kids.
How we are, our quality and how we live, and so what we are reflecting, has a big impact on everyone, ‘ but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.’
It is sad that so often when we are asked how our children are we tend to focus on what they are doing and not how they are with themselves. What is so inspiring about what you present is that if we support them to connect to their inner essence then what they are doing will flow from that inner knowing whereas if we put pressure on outside goals they are left without a compass to navigate the choppy waters of ‘being successful’ in life.
How we are and how we live makes a big impact on those around us, ‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’
Relying on formulas rather than feeling what works, what’s true and what’s not, keeps life controlled and very limited. Letting go of the control, of needing things to work out, of people to act how we want them to act, frees us up and allows us, and everyone around us, to grow. It also feels a much more expansive and limitless way to live, rather than the controlled and protected way of tried and tested formulas.
When we ditch the formulas we allow for expansion in ways that we could never have imagined.
There is a tick-box for what we consider success in parenting and a sense that their outputs reflect how well we have ticked those boxes…what a horror! That completely abdicates each and every person’s responsibility for what they choose!
Do we accept the roller coaster of life or do we seek more- are we just putting our kids into a cycle of what has been done before or are we equipping them to live lives with purpose, love and connection.
I love everything you share in this blog this especially resonates – One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent.”
Fantastic awareness you bring in here Felicity – schools are already under so much pressure to perform from external auditors lets not add to this as parents who want to pass responsibility.
I love how you replied to the question – it is such a simple question yet how we answer it can have such a ripple effect. I know it is much easier to give the ‘fine’ answer or to list all they are doing, but to offer what you offered shows the level of connection we all wanted as children and can offer each other now, regardless of age.
Reflecting back on how I parented now I can see there are so many things I would change, so many things I wish I had known, but the biggest one is how to connect with my kids and the only way to do that was to connect with myself first. That is the point of difference in our family from when I just had kids to when I truly ‘got’ them for the amazing, divine, souls they are and stopped thinking I was responsible for how they turned out!
” even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment. ”
This is very important to recognise, as we are all sold the illusion that high school results lead to a ” successful ” life.
I have found that when I have let go of controlling my daughter to be a certain way and ‘perform’ up to some expectations I had for her at school and at home, it allows her to simply be herself and open up and connect with me more. It is so imposing on children to react to when they are not taking responsibility or make a mistake because you might feel that reflects poorly on you as a parent. This blog inspires me to approach parenting in a different way.
Imagine what parenting would be like if all sugars and sweet things were banned from schools!
It is so important to have a measure of how our kids are doing that is not based on achievements or temporal success but is rooted in how they are in themselves, their inner wellbeing and their sense of themselves – are they honouring and loving, are they responsible and respectful, confident and developing self-worth? Are they expressing their truth? These things will hold them steady in their life more than anything else.
What a delightful parent you must be Felicity. To hear about your kids and how they’re doing is really hearing how you’re doing. Like any family or group you are only as good as each other.
It’s great to expose all of the pictures that can come in of how we expect things to be and then seeing the imposition that this places on others and the reaction that can then come from this.
It’s amazing the amount of effort parents put into making choices for their kids, not realising this is taking their power away. Just about every one remembers the school that they have gone to , and it’s never because of the education quality of the school, it’s always because of the teachers , good or bad in how they treated the student.
The homes we grow up in and the quality of relationships we have with our family and friends can undeniably shape the potential we commit to living as adults – thus we can never leave the growing up of our children merely to the school system.
This is a confirming piece about the fact that there is no picture perfect family, just people living together and making choices.
The role of a parent is to be a role model of living with loving relationships with yourself and all those around you.
Yes that is the problem of our society that bases things going well on how successful we are in our work, study and family (like if we have a partner and or kids, are married etc). It says when you tick all the boxes you are ok, but this is not the case and our statistics are telling it so as academics do commit suicide etc. So it is important to make life about people again, how we feel, how we think about ourselves and the world and if we are loving our life because we love ourselves.
Felicity, this is very beautiful to read, ‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first’. Letting go is something that I am working on; to allow my son to make his own choices, empowering him and letting go of the control feels much more loving and much less exhausting.
wow – what a massive shift from controlling to allowing – this is just magic to read and presents your children with a choice not a rule. Wow that is so powerful in parenting – but what is just as huge is that you are a reflection to them – you walk the talk – and that says a lot to kids who observe everything.
We have set ourselves up as a society that assesses success through what we do, our children included. What you have share here exposes our investment in how ‘well’ or ‘successful’ a child is achieving in life, so that we feel successful, recognition or a sense of achievement as parents. What an unhealthy imposition we are placing on our children. When in fact this degree of success does not reflect how steady or confident they are within themselves, the quality of love they live with, how freely do they feel to be and express who they are, or the quality of connection to themselves and life they live. You offer a powerful reflection of how we can best honor our children’s development to know who they are so they can be confident to be themselves, and be guided by their own inner-wisdom to live a life of true fulfillment regardless of what it is they do.
When asked how our kids are going we can respond on auto-pilot in the same way we do when asked “how are you?”. I love the question as I take a moment to stop and ponder on how my son really is. It lets me see how connected I am to him and if I have been aware of him and what he’s going through. I used to want to prove I was a good parent so when asked how he was I could rattle off all that he was doing well or cute things about him. These days it’s far more important that I’m honest about where he is at and how he is.
I often think of this blog when someone asked me how my sons are going. Reading it again today has renewed my sense of what is important and what is not. This makes so much sense to why I get upset when this happens, “And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.” But I love how you just bring it back to what matters.
An article that brings strength and purpose to parenting. As the true job it is. Children don’t bring themselves up. Their parents, grandparents, relatives and friends are there to support and guide them. The saying “do as I say, not as I do”, can no longer be the way of our homes. Instead, as Felicity has shared here, the best guidance one can offer is to live what we know and feel supports ourselves, this in turn supports our children, for it gives them a choice in life style that is not about indulgence and need, but about vitality and purpose.
I am so inspired by this sharing Felicity, it just blows any parenting manual/books/idealogies out of the park, I particularly love this line “if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok.” and that the reality is we can only teach our children through our own choices to be deeply loving and caring of ourselves and honouring our precious selves. Awesome!
It’s not about what we do when we are parenting it is about the way we live and how this is reflected to our children. it’s no wonder that your colleague found you inspiring as it is a fantastic blueprint for how we can support children in the increasingly stressful times in which we are currently living.
It is such an eye opener isn’t it?! I have found the most honest and brutal reflections have come from my children. Often they are things I have not wanted to see or admit yet when I do, they often offer the most growth. Worrying about our kids is a classic. Your comment here gives us the key “When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it” Same applies to us – time to walk as a role model sharing the most incredible life skill.
Thank you Felicity I loved the wisdom you shared about parenting, how it begins with you and your degree of self love first, I am impressed by the freedom and understanding you give to your children which holds them responsible for making their own decisions, this is so different to how I parented some fifty years ago, the way back then was all about controls and obedience, seen, but not heard, your children are truly blessed by what you bring to them.
Although private school has a certain ‘glamour’ or shine buffed into its appearance, you can actually LEARN a lot more from studying and being with other kids from every household and background, and from experience if you commit yourself to learning what needs to be learnt then there is no academic benefit from attending a school where things are handed to you on a plate and taking responsibility is discouraged.
Such an important sharing on parenting Felicity. Thank you.
I love how you offer your kids a choice – like in the food – you are not telling them what to eat – you are simply giving them a choice and asking them how they feel. Wow what an amazing way to parent – so allowing of the space and what actually is being communicated.
Re-imprinting what we consider to be successful in life- to that being our ability to enjoy loving relationships with ourselves and others is of paramount importance, for only then we will expose the lie that we live in, where we torture and abuse our bodies and others for what we think is going to be good for us.
I would say generally across the globe that many parents, teachers and kids themselves see success on how much money they make, their job level and material wealth – as in certain jobs are better than others – and many look down on certain roles. Many people do not focus – by deliberate choice – to look how children are really doing, as in what is going on for them as a person and being, their mental, and energetic quality, right down to do they deeply care for and look after their body, with many abusive ways and behaviours being labelled and accepted as normal – because – this means the adult would have to look at their stuff and how they lived, cared for and looked after themselves – and for many this is too much – it exposes and reflects too many of the unloving choices people make and have made.
This is so beautiful because you allow your children the freedom to choose their own path, knowing that they will be taken care of in this way, because it is their life to explore and to learn within.
There cannot be pictures in parenting and that is the truly fun part when every moment it is about connection, observation and expression. Building the connection with ourselves first is crucial, a responsibility to reflect to our children as well as to everyone around. Very cool Felicity.
I love the fact that you say that parenting can be fun as these days we mostly see stressed out parents rather than parents who are enjoying their kids.
Great blog Felicity – I can see why your colleague would feel inspired. It is wonderful when we can let go of “ownership” of our children and each other and respect how every person is responsible for their choices. Our responsibility is equally to our choices, what quality we reflect, how we live and from that what we are able to offer the other.
Seems the best way to parent our kids is to first parent ourselves. If we are healthy, aware and harmonious within ourselves then we have that quality and example to reflect to our children – this is priceless beyond any expensive schools or other ideals we may have.
I can see why your colleague was inspired too Felicity – this blog is amazing. At first I thought ” I don’t have kids this blog is not for me” …. but I felt to read on and as I did I realised that you are giving us the key to true harmony in all relationships. Every time we choose to live a ‘role’ as a partner, a daughter, a worker, a mum or whatever we are shirking our responsibility to simply be ourselves and reflect love through loving choices.
Beautiful Felicity, showing that true education is the way we parent our children at home, this is the most beneficial homework we can offer children. Attending school is learning to apply what we learn at home in the wider world.
Hello Felicity and having children is really no different to any other relationship. You look at the reflections and how you feel in the interactions and then bring awareness to the things that don’t feel great. As you are saying we bring awareness to how we are and then live that by way of inspiration for those around us. Children don’t ‘need’ us in the way we currently are with them as you are writing about Felicity and more often than not we are there as a support, a guide to simply bring them back to themselves or a solid point for them to step into the next moment. Children grow in many ways naturally that isn’t about what we have done and so it’s possible the more we can move ourselves out of parenting as we currently apply it the better it will be for all of us.
The thing about parenting, is that there is always this pressure to get everything right. And should your child not behave in the way that all your hard work dictates they should, then it is very possible to feel like a failure. Sometimes I loose sleep over how much I have let my children down with everything that I have not given to or shown them. But then I pull myself together and give myself the love that I have inside, and then parenting does not seem so hard and we simply become people living with eachother again, all free to make our own choices.
Awesome blog Felicity – very true how many parents focus on providing all the so-called ‘right’ things for their kids, like the best schools and getting them to excel in certain subjects or sports etc without even considering the quality of the children’s living environment or the quality of the relationships within the family – children benefit enormously from building this loving foundation.
The interesting thing is, often we try and parent kids – to ‘get it right’, because we don’t want to see our kids get hurt, but more often than not this is stunting a child’s growth – when we let people be who they are, thats when the true learning and fun begins.
There’s deep wisdom in this article, resetting the role of parenting to be about letting go of the ideals and images we have used for aeons, replacing them instead with simply letting our children be whilst we live in a way that, as much as we can, provides them with a reflection of responsibility for our choices in life.
Felicitas I love how you are parenting your kids: “. . . I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.” How many women are hiding in the role of being a mother – it is so refreshing to feel that there is another way of parenting – thank you so much for sharing this way that is really an inspiration for me.
I was recently shocked by some choices my son was making, I instantly made the situation in to a sign of my own failure as a parent, thinking that I had not given him enough love, that it was ultimately my fault that he was making those choices. But then I stopped and I considered the young man that he is, the strength in him, and the love that he has. And it occurred to me that he is simply exploring, and all he needed from me at that time was to confirm the enormous light in him, which I did.
Hi Felicity,
You make a great point here about how important the quality of home life is for children, well before what their schools and education environment offer.
I am sure there is always that concern of ‘oh what will the education system do’ – but from what you have shared I can really see the value of building a solid foundation for children so they always have this as a marker to make decisions that feel true to them.
We can’t control anyone or anyone’s choices – but we can continue to offer a loving reflection no matter what.
Thanks Felicity, and what I find is a very big part of parenting is being responsible enough for our own awareness so that we do not actually react… gosh if we can do this then it frees up so much in our families… there is much more of an opportunity for ‘blow-ups’ to simply dissolve when they are not reacted to.
The saying “being tied to mothers apron strings” came to mind as I read this inspirational sharing today. Because it is the complete opposite to that old saying of parents who can not let their children grow up responsibly. Possibly because they too had a very restricted and limited upbringing. In your words Felicity “Parenting kids – without perfection and letting go” that could be the title of a new book! It would be a top seller.
I feel it is very important as you have done Felicity to give our kids the choice when it comes to food and get them to feel for themselves, my daughter stopped eating cooked chips of her own accord and then ketchup and mayonnaise, things most kids would never usually stop.I suppose we are all a bit like kids really,in that if we see someone living by example it is so much easier to be inspired to follow suit if they are living truly so we can’t expect our kids to do stuff if we are not a living example of what is true.
And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place. I love this line Felicity, as it should apply to all of our relationships. If we don’t come from the basics of, connecting to the person in full first, we need to take the time to do so out of respect and responsibility.
Perhaps it really is what we present to our children through the way we live that teaches them the most about life, as they are constantly observing and learning from us as their adults. But the crunch is to ask – who are we looking to to learn from and observe by their way of living?
I am in awe Felicity. The awareness I have gained in the power of knowing your self and putting in place self-loving practices and how they impact parenting is profound. This shows that if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and clear away the ‘stuff’ we tend to collect over the course of our lives then anything we take ourselves to will be easy. Beautiful blog – I would love to see blogs like this one in parenting manuals.
This article returned to me to day as I came to realise just how powerful being a role-model for our children actually is. how, as parents we cannot dictate their path and choices they make upon it, but we can leave an image or an impress with them that is there forever, so that there can always be the memory of the different choices available. Then, what they choose is purely an act of free will. Ultimately then, our children have to find their own way, and as much as we can offer a way, it is not always their way until they choose it for themselves. And in allowing these choices to just naturally be (with all of their consequences of course), we are again role-modelling for a very loving way of life.
A very inspiring blog Felicity, you offer parents a lot to think about. Amongst so many profound points I especially loved your realisation that you ” … had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment” for each child. For each child is a different, unique individual, and so how can we have a formula that works for all, except of course for supporting them to stay connected to themselves and guiding them on how to self-love and honour their own all knowing-ness.
This is so awesome to read, a true way of parenting, supporting your children to make choices for themselves and live in a way that is responsible for all that they are and do. Which I feel is the main thing for children to be taught, the knowing that we all have a responsibility in this world, for the quality of our own life, and in turn for everyone else’s.
Felicity what a great turn around in how you have seen the support that comes through parenting. Often the “controlling parents” are seen as the ones who have it all under wraps. What is not taken into account is the lack of connection that can come through for others. The result being not giving anyone the opportunity to learn and grow.
As of lately I have been amazed by how much the children in my life learn from the examples I set. For a long time I was judging them for certain behaviours, all the while knowing full-well that they were just following my lead, mapping out my footsteps for me to see, but I did not want to see this, I wanted to make it be all about them – i.e. not take responsibility. And then a certain change happened in my way of living and there are certain choices that I now make which are far more supportive, and as if by magic these beautiful children who have graced my life are making their own subtle yet deeply profound changes too, in their own time and without any pressure from me.
So beautiful Felicity that you are able to let go, realising that it is their path and karma to follow.
Whilst reading your blog this sentence really resonated with me; what a gift to your children.
“I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings”.
An inspiring article for all parents – and children Felicity. When children are offered a true foundation of love and support at home they have a deeper understanding of all the pressures that they meet at school and can learn how to deal with them. Children learn as much, if not more, from the home and parents than they do at school.
I like the way the basis of your relationship with your children is connection, respect and allowing the option of free will. An admireable way to parent kids
I agree Jo , very admirable.
‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.’ I love this sentence Felicity and put my hand up to having fallen into the trap of hiding in the role as mother. It is certainly a work in progress for me, a rocky road but one now filled with moments of appreciation as I choose more and more to honour and cherish myself first.
I have been observing in myself and in my brother how we both have reacted in the past when our mum would go into a Mothering energy and even though it would be caring and supportive for us in many ways it would still be disempowering for the level of responsibility we know in our bodies that we are at the age to live and embrace all of the time. It feels like there is a gradual process of letting our children truly grow up and letting ourselves as parents give more and more true responsibility to them.
In this blog, Felicity talks about a way of parenting that, by reflection, gives children the opportunity to explore their own choices and the consequences of them. I love how this approach can take a lot of the pressure off the parent to be perfect, and gives a lot more space for the child to be their own person.
What an amazing reflection and inspiration you are for other parents Felicity. By being honest and making parenting about connection with your children first, they learn self loving ways from your own consistency and dedication to self.
The way of parenting you present here Felicity is amazing. I love the exposure of what I see in many families and that is that parents make it all about the results of the tests of their children, what they achieve etc. I understand this is not intentionally to hurt their kids in any way but I can see how this is very harming as it is not truly meeting the children first for who they are. I can see this sometimes in my relationships with other people as well, making it all about the things we do instead of how lovely it is to be together.
Clearly the way you have chosen to take responsibility for the way you are with yourself, developing a level of love, care and respect for yourself and making choices that honour you, are having an amazing affect in reflecting to your children another way of living responsibly. I love that you are feeling your way through parenting with this as your foundation and the quality this brings.
This is awesome Felicity and very inspiring. You have shown how important it is to have a relationship with kids and not gauge how they are by their school reports but to have intimacy and know each other really well. It would be amazing to have this support system in place while going through school which is difficult and challenging at times. One line that really stuck out to me was “How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school” This is something I wish I had done wilst at school, because there are a lot of things to be aware of, so having the love in us when we go to school would greatly help us deal with everything that happens at school.
It would be great to see this blog in a widely distributed parenting magazine, for it offers an increased depth of awareness around taking more responsibility and the loving reflections we can choose to bring our children.
I love what you shared Felicity around not making the choice of school responsible for the well being of our children. I agree it’s often an easy way to not take responsibility as a parent and this brought my attention to ideals and beliefs I also carry in this area.
Thank you.
I have much respect for parents and the 24 hour commitment to themselves and their children they have signed up for. I feel this is a golden point you have raised Felicity
‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’
As our home environment is often the foundation we are given to build a life for ourselves from… Quality Counts!
I agree Abby. All the teachers I know from my kids and many school teachers I have met for treatments, I know how overwhelming and stressful it is for them to be between the two layers of expectations. They are asked to fit into a time schedule to teach kids something they are not ready to learn because the pressure they feel and the reaction against this system. Sadly it is so that everyone plays this game with ignorance and self devastation. I see this cycle can be stopped when we as responsible parents are saying no to a system that is not supporting the love that we are. We can provide true support by living responsibly to that love we are inside of us together with our family at home, the best protection to live within this loveless system.
Learning to let go in parenting is huge for me. I have always taken on too much responsibility for the choices my children make, seeing this as a reflection of who I am, that I was not influencing them properly if they made mistakes or did not behave properly in certain social settings. I can see now that what supports my children the most is when I am just myself with them, with no pre-tense or barriers to the love they feel for me.
Yes, that is unconditional love isn’t it? We learn from our bodies. Yet we also learn from observing others movements and therefore our bodies learn from the impact of another’s behaviours. This can go both ways, judgement introduces fear which shuts down learning, or should I say it shuts down the opportunity to question because there is a fear of standing out or the retribution that comes from the person using the behaviour in question.
Wow Felicity this is such a great article, I love how unimposing you are when talking about your children; it feels that you give them the options and then allow them to make their own choices and that you allow them to take responsibility without imposing what you think is right on them – very beautiful to read.
Hi Felicity, what a great blog. I am sure you are doing an amazing job of bringing up your kids.
Thanks Felicity, yes the clarity and the awareness that has come from attending Universal Medicine courses with regard to parenting is unique and all-encompassing… For starters we really have to attend to ourselves and who we truly are before we can understand what parenting is.
School is intense for kids sometimes as a parent I forget how intense it can be. There are a huge variety of issues that my kids are having to deal with on a daily basis and that can be exhausting for them, they do extremely well considering. I don’t have the answers although sometimes I really want to have them., which was a big thing to accept. Every part of me on a cellular level is programmed to think that if I don’t have the answers I should be coming up with them. Stopping myself from delving in to “fix” things up has seen an amazing transformation in my relationship with my kids. Understanding what drove my need to create a warm magical childhood led me to realise that I did this at the expense of my health and vitality and at the expense of my relationship and it was hugely disempowering for my kids as it reflected to them that I didn’t feel like they were capable.
What an incredible inspiration and healing you offered your colleagues in answering that simple question,”How are your kids going?” more commonly answered with a long list of achievements and activities the kids are doing. I love the way you have focused on being a living example for your children and are allowing them to learn for themselves what feel true for them in their own time. By offering them a steady role model, they can see the difference that commitment to self makes in daily life. Gorgeous blog Felicity. Thank you.
I agree Lucy, I was absolutely blown away by Felicity’s answers to this common question. It inspired me to answer this way when people ask me about my relationships, my job, even myself. Answers like this can only come from a place of deep appreciation for ourselves and others and Felicity demonstrates this perfectly.
There are many ideals and believes when it comes to parenting. What you share here Felicity is very important. Instead of imposing what we want for our kids, or what we want them to be in life, we can reflect a true way of living and show them that they have choices. As parents we have to respect that kids have their own paths to take and their own choices to make. We can love them but we never own them.
Can we make this a guide for parenting as part of prenatal classes?
Thank you Felicity for your inspirational blog. The reflection we give our children speaks volumes to them and they learn mostly from that. It’s not easy out in the world of school and offering such a supportive space for them to come back to themselves once at home will be taken with them into adulthood and shape their future choices.
This blog has so much to offer families, in fact, a different way of being together. Parent-child relationships can become merely functional and lacking in that loving connection, if either party are holding onto hurt and resentment. And then the true support is lacking for the kids growing up. Felicity, your writing on the subject of parenting is like a breath of fresh air, as it simply brings the focus back to love.
Rereading your blog today I really felt the importance of “And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.” Not only for the kids, but for me with them, too. This is so important and really sets up the interaction, and then the activity, to be done in a completely loving and supportive way. Thank you.
Very inspiring Felicity, to reflect and share what is working it your own life with your children and allowing them to make their own choices is very honouring of them as equals. When we learn how choices affect us from our own experiences they usually stick. It is beautiful to read of the loving foundation you have created for your children and this truly supports them as they grow and develop this in themselves.
I have to admit it took me a few attempts before I could read this blog from start to finish! True parenting is leading by example, but also allowing our children to be their own people without imposing on them any of our own ideals and beliefs about how they should be. I gained much from reading this blog Felicity, thank you for sharing it.
This is truly revolutionary stuff, Felicity and should be at the core of all parenting courses. So much lived experience and wisdom here for others to be inspired by and your stillness, openness, willingness to let your children make their own choices having laid such a foundation of love is just amazing to read about. It feels like there’s no investment from you in them becoming something you want them to be and just oodles of support for them becoming all of who they are and will be. What more could any child ask for?
There is so much innate wisdom in children if we allow them to express it. Often adults can be overbearing because they think they know best, and perhaps experience has taught them much, but left to their own learning curve, children feel empowered to trust their own intuition, sensitivity and ability to understand.
There is so much beauty and wisdom in you blog Felicity – this is deeply touching and inspiring. As a mother of a young child, motherhood and everything that goes with it still regularly pushes many “raw points” in me, and I find your blog profoundly supportive. Your blog gives me a feeling of confirmation that I am on the right track in terms of motherhood and that I should keep trusting myself. I feel immense beauty and purpose (and challenges!) in parenting from a place of being, forever unfolding self-love, the cultivation of love and honesty/truth in everything and with everyone, a choice of lifestyle that fosters growth of awareness, the teaching of self-responsibility through modelling, letting go and the acceptance that there is no such thing as or need for perfection.
When I gave birth to my first child I felt the inner wisdom and love we both shared but I was not able to live this and thus not raising my kids in a way they could connect to their inner wisdom and love. When we start raising our kids from ideals and believes it is all about the ‘doing’ how they and we perform. Serge Benhayon was the first to tell me to put the pressure of my children and just love myself and live per example knowing how awesome I am and how equally awesome my children are. This foundation is about love and being who we are. Your blog Felicity is a testimonial of true parenting and thus about the foundation you give your children at home so where ever they go they know who they are and can connect to their own inner wisdom.
This is beautiful Felicity. What an amazing parent you are to your children in leading by example and assisting them to develop that deep foundation for themselves that will be there for them in times of difficulty.
Thank you Felicity. Your blog really brings home that whole thing that a lot of us were raised with which was that life was about getting a good education, a well paid job and a good partner. What your blog clearly shows it that there is more to it than that. I love how one of your markers to see how the kids are going is to see if they look you in the eye and connect. Being able to connect is something that you cannot put a price on.
I totally agree Elizabeth Dolan, …”being able to connect is something that you cannot put a price on!
Felicity, awesome blog! Introducing to our kids awareness in regards of body and emotional feelings and the space to ponder on, be supported and letting go accompanied by self-loving choices – is a great foundation to live a vital and fulfilled life void of exhaustion and depression. Absolutely important for me is that parents should accept that children make their own choices. Not an easy task always but at least the kids have a choice.
What a loving and caring reflection you offer your children Felicity, showing them that taking responsibility for ourselves can be fun and doesn’t need to be hard and arduous. This is a work in progress for me with my family, and often I fall into the ‘responsibilities’ are so serious but when I let that seriousness go, there is such a joy and everything flows in being responsible and I know my children can feel that too.
It is beautiful Felicity what you are offering your children through your example of how you live. And keeping it fun is great too 🙂
Your article is an amazing offering for us all/society Felicity, and as a mum of a young 5 1/2 I feel deep appreciation for your sharing.
“I have been working on my inner stillness and calm: from this vantage point I can see and feel what’s going on for the kids more clearly than ever before.” Felicity this is one of the most powerful things i have learnt from Serge Benhayon – For to be connected to your inner stillness, your breath, your body, to get the ego out the way and allow our energetic awareness to monitor the world around us – from this vantage point we can see and feel how are kids are truly going.
Amazing Felicity what a joy to read your powerful blog. I love that you are so clear with what you share – that made you even stronger. You wrote:” . . . simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.” For me that is gold because that is what most of the parents are not doing. This is the missing link in parenting for me – to allow our kids that they can feel that they are love first. You are such a great role model to show the world how true parenting should be and that is wunderbar . . .
I had an amazing conversation today with a girl I work with 0 we were talking about how when you have a child, you down own it, but you have a responsibility to care for it and its life – its not their to fulfil a need in you or bridge the gap in a relationship that s falling apart – they are a little person that you have to give the best possible start in life to, for then when they grow up and make their own choices, it comes from a foundation laid from day one.
Felicity this is gorgeous, how different the world would be if more parents took this approach. A fabulous question for any parent to ponder. If parenting is not fun, something is not right.
Felicity- this blog is whopper for breaking down ideas we have around bringing up children. Even your starting point that we measure how kids are going by how they are going at school and even when we can see through this as the only measure it is still a difficult measure to let go of – you expose here that a richness is lost when we teach our young that life is about survival first.
I have too found the more I live my life to the truth that I feel and simply live by example by truly living it that way the more my children get to see, feel and understand how life can be lived in a loving, caring and fun way whilst still dealing with all that there is to deal with and fully participate in this world.
Felicity, I really love this part about knowing when your child is connecting with you first before asking for something. This explains to me why sometimes a request can feel like a demand, and how other times it can be like just part of a conversation. I feel that the responsibility ultimately lies with me, and I have to ask myself how am I role modelling connection with people, and with myself first before I can expect this from anyone else.
I love your approach to parenting. Learning to ‘let go’ as a parent, and allowing your children to take their own path and to take responsibility for their choices is huge. Very inspiring.
Beautiful, Ariana. That’s the truth.
‘They don’t always choose this, but they are seeing me listening to my body.’ I guess we shouldn’t underestimate the effect of our own choices on or children, even if they don’t make those same choices. It is so beautiful that being in stillness gives us the opportunity to see and feel more clearly what is going on in our children’s lives and showing them an alternative way to live. I often react strongly when I feel my children are going what I feel as the ‘wrong’ way but I know that living it myself is the most important thing I can do right now.
‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.’
“My kids have their own paths to take and their own choices ahead, but I know that if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok. That is the way I now parent; to reflect those qualities to my kids as consistently as I can.” A profound statement about parenting. The relationship we have with ourself, the appreciation and honouring of who we are deep down as we take each step in life is the key. We all need this foundation. A big blessing to have a supportive reflection from someone who is living this in our life.
I love the changes you have made and thus the clarity you now have with yourself and thus your children. A must read for any parent.
I too can relate to what you share here Mary-Louise, about the right school. That was the thought process when I my kids where going to school, which I myself didn’t support but due to circumstances were persuaded to follow that rule. But when I reflect back on that and how it felt, none of it had the backing of good old fashioned, loving attention and care, and support for the child as a foundation for which they could stand on to take them into the journey of education as a whole complete package of a person, knowing who they are and taking that knowing with them along as support.
Great blog Felicity. I too had the notion that the ‘right school’ would make all the difference to my kids, never once considering that what they needed most was me connecting to them and loving them for who they are not what they do. Since coming to Universal Medicine and realising this I have changed the way I relate with both of my daughters and we now have very loving relationships. It is never too late to heal our relationships with our kids
.
Gorgeous Mary-Louise, so simple, ‘what they needed most was me connecting to them and loving them for who they are not what they do’, this is how I am raising my son, my partner and i adore him for who he is and because he is confident in himself he seems to naturally enjoy things like reading and writing without any need to be ‘pushed’.
To take the responsibility back as you described Felicity to raise you children and not leave it to their schools and teachers is indeed inspiring. At the same time how you talk about raising them is showing them about their choices and building on your relationship with them, rather than imposing on them, simply beautiful…..
‘It is never too late to heal our relationships with our kids’. Thank heaven for that, Mary-Louise.
Yes Felicity, I find that too “My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk.” The more I am connected with me and hold myself in the true love that I am, the easier it is to have conversations with my children, and I notice too that they look much more directly at me and I can feel that they sense that they are held in equalness.
Your reflections and expression here Felicity are very inspiring
Being ourselves and reflecting that to our children constantly, with steadiness and purpose, is a wonderful foundation
How beautiful it is for them to know that we are all divine and gorgeous with our own unique path to follow in this life.
Yes very true Toni, with all the demands we have on our lives today often connection with others and self seems to come in as a very poor last, not considered important when there is so much to be done. Yet without connection without even realizing it our lives become much more difficult and complicated. About 10 years ago I was introduced to the gentle breath meditation – a technique solely about developing greater connection with self and others. I can truth-fully say it changed my life. If you would like to know more follow this link http://www.unimedliving.com/meditation/benefits/benefits-of-the-gentle-breath-meditation.html
Like Felicity, something I have always noticed is when we ask how someone’s kids are going, the standard answer is, how well they are doing at school, what degree or job they have etc. Very few will say they are great, truly happy, joy-full and play-full, they still laugh and express like they did when they were little. Or the opposite, not well, they no longer have the same spark in their eyes, they don’t speak with the joy and lightness they once did. Imagine if that was our marker of well and not of grades our outcomes – if that was the case I wonder if we would be living in a very different world?
We definitely would be and I bet it would make family visits a lot more interesting.
Great point Caroline, I also hear parents talking about how terrible their kids are and how much they wish to be away from them. A lady recently was talking with me about ‘bratty’ kids and how its best to keep your children away from them – I then asked the question ‘But could it be that they are so called ‘bratty’ or playing up because they don’t have anyone around them that shows how to be responsible or have stability in life?’. This is something many often don’t consider. And also those children who do live with more responsibility, care and joy in their lives are actually great role models to others their own age.
I definitely feel blessed to have some amazing role models in my life to be inspired by.
This is very true Caroline, people are less concerned about how each other (and our kids) are really doing than they are about getting the standard answers about things that might imply success but have little bearing on inner harmony.
You have really set an amazing bench mark here Felicity – and where I see my own up bringing fell short of this level of care and support – your way has inspired me as to how parenting can be. I really appreciate your own level of care in this and how you felt no need for perfection in your choices – this is ground breaking for all the mothers out there who drive and strive to be everything other than their naturally nurturing selves. What you have shared here inspires my own potential for parenthood.
How are your kids going? is what I call a stock question , like How is your job doing? or How is your family? and it can be far too easy to just let a stock answer roll off the tongue -in this way not connecting with oneself, the question or the other person. You show us here how easy it can be to actually make those connections and share them with another, giving them a real insight into what is going on as you honour them, yourself, and in this case, your children.
It was possible to re-read this blog this morning and feel deeply my relationship with my own children, now grown up. There is so much wisdom shared in this blog and I found myself often feeling wow, if I only understood then, what I know now. However there was also a clear reflection that even before I had studied with Universal Medicine I understood how to meet my children and the importance of offering choice. If anything was missing, it was the role model I am now and this is not lost, because this is there in our relationship now and is very powerful when I choose to bring all of me to that relationship. I wouldn’t call this parenting anymore, obviously as they are grown up and it is great to not hold onto any guilt or expectation that I have to make up for lost time.
Thank you Simon I can relate to understanding the importance of offering choice etc but not being the role model that I am now and it is really helpful for me to read this today and realise that I don’t need to ‘hold onto any guilt or expectation that I have to make up for lost time’. Choosing to bring all of me to current relationships is my focus.
I enjoyed reading this Felicity, especially the part when you mention how you communicate with your children. With that as a foundation everything else school wise will take care of itself.
Yes Julie, I too felt inspired by Felicity’s communication and expression with her children. I am beginning to communicate and express more with my 3 children, connecting with them, looking into their eyes and listening when they want to say something. After reading this blog, it has deepened my awareness of the importance of communication and expression and how I can go much deeper with this. Thank you Felicity for sharing a blog that I know I will come back to.
Sometimes being a parent can be really hard work, challenging, and at times self-confidence-crushing as we try to do everything right but seem to get everything wrong. At these times I go to what I know to be true, I go to tender moments that I have shared with my children and from there I can see what an amazing parent I actually am.
This is awesome Felicity. It is such a novel approach to parenting; I found that talking to a lot of my friends in school would say how even if they took home an A in a test, their parents would question why they didn’t get the A*. I can relate how that could be, as you have written, because their parents used their scores/school reports as a measure of how well the kids were doing, or a measure of how well they were doing as parents for having chosen the ‘right school’. This can be confusing, so thank you on behalf of all kids who have parents and all parents who have kids for clearing this up.
Great summary Jessica, and it exposes the bottom line – parents and children living like this are under enormous pressure to perform. Felicity’s sharing would be so supportive for many parents and children to read as it shows that when we care for ourselves, beliefs and ideals like what you have mentioned can no longer be there.
Hi Felicity, it would have made a huge difference to my life if I had of grown up in a household like you describe. What I feel is for the potential of this kind of parenting to break all kinds of unhealthy generational patterns, and if enough families parent and live like this, whole societies could change. For your kids to learn what they are, they have a much greater chance of avoiding addiction, burn out, dissatisfaction and other unhealthy self harming habits such as binge drinking, which are all rife today. The positive ramifications for society of this kind of parenting could be huge if enough parents approached their own lives and their kids in a similar way. Congrats and thanks for sharing.
This is a beautiful, illuminating and inspiring article communicating the invaluable importance and significance of parenting from the perspective of supporting children to unfold who they truly are rather than endeavouring to mould them into being something we believe they should be. The power and integrity of this article shines out through the writing and from the fact it comes from experience and not from ‘book’ knowledge.
My biggest lesson in being a parent/adult has been in accepting and appreciating the simplistic wisdom that we are offered by children.
As I have let go of ‘I’m older therefore I know better’ it has opened up a whole new world of communication with the younger people I have in my life as I listen to what and how they share.
Expectations drop away as the light shines brighter in eyes as people begin to feel value in who they are more than what they do, myself included!
As I unfold and commit to my self care and quality of presence, I see my parenting change. It feels much lighter and connection with my daughter comes first, speaking with her tenderly whilst setting boundaries and like magic, her behaviour changes because she feels seen and met. My daughter has just turned 7 so thank you for sharing how parenting looks with older children. It really feels beautiful what you have shared, I am so enjoying this journey with her as she grows up.
I agree Emma my parenting changes as well when I commit more to myself and get very real about what is going on. I get given lots of reflections to look at and am learning things about myself every day. There is definitely no perfection as I can feel when I react to things, get triggered by something or parent from my perceived ideals and beliefs.
Since we wish our kids well, we tend to align ourselves with all kind of ideals of progress for them. Progress and wellbeing, however, is not one and the same thing. Working together for their present and future wellbeing requires helping them to build true foundations in their lives. This does not just happen if ours is not right. So, the key is what do we reflect upon them.
I deeply felt from reading this blog, that the wisdom to allow children to make their own choices and to see a parent as a friend with whom they can share their thoughts and feelings, comes from the heart and Soul of who we are. It is not something learned from a book or a course. However the courses I have taken with Universal Medicine have activated that source of wisdom inside me and many others I know and this is an amazing testament to true learning.
Absolutely Simon, I completely agree.
How beautiful it can be for a child who is not burdened by expectations from overbearing parents. How much better to parent freeing the child from expectation but instead accepting and appreciating them and allowing what comes from that.
I am finding that giving my 7yo daughter space and time to play at home is equally as important as the stimulation of activities. Just being there for her to support whatever learning she encounters.
I see parents making their kids so busy and setting up a competitiveness around how many skills their kids are learning.
Whether it is academic achievement or achievement with any skill, it is so important to facilitate kids enjoying it and finding their own way, making their own mistakes and finding their own motivation rather than pushing them and doing it for them. I feel the spaciousness in my body just as I write that!
Beautiful words Stephen. Ageless Wisdom at its best.
Felicity what I learned from this blog is that you allow your kids their own choices yet you give them a clear choice through the reflection of a loving option that they can also choose if they choose it! Awesome.
Thank you Felicity, and all for sharing this true way forth of parenting and caring for children, as well as ourselves. I can feel a tangible sense of where the world and our experiences of life can go when we make life first about connection and being, there is so much joy in this. Thank you for opening up such a real and fun conversation Felicity!
The opportunities are endless.
Felicity I love what you have shared here about your approach with parenting. I love how you have spoken about connection first, and how the quality of that connection is equally governed by how you are, therefore there can be no compromise when it comes to you.
I can feel the holding and deep care for your children in the way you describe them and how they are going. It is clear that the more we detach from them being a certain way the more we can truly support them to be who they truly are.
Very inspiring to read your Blog Felicity, many good pointers in raising children, and how when we choose to self love and care for ourselves it offers a very power-full reflection for them.
Wow Felicity, what an amazingly honest and deeply honouring sharing about your relationship with your children. An important reminder for us all, that it all starts with the way we honour and treat ourselves – that, is what might inspire another, it being kids, friends, colleagues etc., to make different choices for themselves.
Awesome blog Felicity. The parenting style I was raised in was very different to the parenting approach now I take. I encourage my children to make choices that they feel is right for them, to always be themselves and to be truthful and loving. I am also aware of how much my children thrive when I am connect to them, when I am more myself and calm. They feel everything that is going on and they are highly sensitive to everything. I know that when I am more connect to myself, I am more able to be a loving and supportive parent. When I am not, then things fall apart and everybody feels it at home. As a parent, I know we teach our children by example, I also know I am not always the best role model, but what matters is that I am learning to parenting from being connected firstly to myself and naturally that leads to me being connected to my children. I also apologies to my children when I have been frustrated or angry with them and explain what is acceptable and what is not. I feel to be open and treat my children as equals is one of the best ways for me to have a harmonious relationship with my children. Another one is spending quality time together. This is something I need to do more of. My children are also great teachers for me too. They are absolutely amazing in every way and I have to remind myself to stop and appreciate them every day, instead of letting work and parenting get in the way. They are so precious, delicate and tender beings, I am bless to have them in my life. It feels amazing to stop and connect to them, now I am reflecting why I don’t do this more often.
I love your blog Chan. Children and adults are equal same as all of us.
Felicity this a profound blog offering wisdom and inspiration for all parents to enjoy living and sharing with their children.
Thank you!
Self harm, drug abuse, suicide, and depression are significant issues in the teenage population across the world and what you share here in the article is very powerful concerning the ‘map’ often created by parents “Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves.” A simple truth is that we can as parents and in the adult population, support children to appreciate, care and ‘like’ themselves. Of course this entails a choice for the adult to also learn to ‘like’ themselves so they are able to offer this reflection, but what a wonderful foundation to make life choices from, a place of ‘like’.
Yes, with all what goes on with children today as you describe Samantha, it is showing us that something is not right with how children are being raised and schooled. This article of Felicity’s
shows a more honouring, loving and respectful way to be with children, one I would personally cherish and welcome if I was a child.
Great point you make in this blog Felicity of how we look outside the home for things that will guarantee our kids happiness e.g. good school etc when as you said so well it is the foundation at home and the quality of all the relationships there that is so important for supporting them when they go out into the wider world.
Such a beautiful inspiration Felicity, thank you.
I asked myself the question yesterday, how do I support my children to follow their own path in life? And I realised that the answer is to make sure that I am living by what feels true for me to do. In doing so I am giving them a role model that they can observe and learn from if they so wish it.
Yes, the is very much key. At the end of every day, home is where we and our children come back to. The foundations of a harmonious and loving home environment certainly restores and provides the platform to be able to be true to self out at school or in the work environment.
Relationships and learning to navigate our way through them, can prove to be quite a challenge if we don’t have our own self loving and caring rhythms set in place to move us through our lives, giving us the strong foundation that we can come from with our children when they need us the most. A very recent experience that I had with one of my children confirmed for me, that all I have to do is bring all of my loving self to them and hold them in my love as that is the inner compass that points in the true direction that can help them the most.
This is so true Julie, very well said. I feel that this is the key to harmonious parenting.
Felicity what a beauty-full way of parenting children by allowing them “to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them”. Your loving and caring reflexion is the best school of life they can ever have, it is true education provided from the heart.
What an amazing way to parent Children Felicity. It would be a very supportive environment and one filled with evolution on a daily basis. I like the idea of having deep chats and ‘sharing your feelings’ type of talks. They should be so natural. When kids are growing up there is a lot of challenges and pressure that they face from school, friends and the media. Having this relationship in place would help them to stay connected with themselves and hence remember that life is about love and sharing it with all.
I love what you have offered here Felicity, which for me is being able to get into the head space (or perhaps more accurately stated, body space) so that when a simple question is asked, whether superficially or not, we can explore the answer at more depth. So much can surface about all our choices around such concerns as child rearing, however what I will take from your blog is how we can let go of and heal past choices by looking at things anew and moving forwards with our lives and those of our children.
Beautiful blog Felicity and very inspiring. I’m reflecting on my own parenting and the areas I would like to commit to more. Encouraging our kids to share with us more about how they are feeling is such a simple thing, yet can be a game changer. Providing an example for them with no attachments is something I still struggle with, I can see how imposing my expectations have been. And when I say “our kids” I mean our kids. We all have the opportunity to take responsibility for children.
I agree Nikki, very well said. I also have similar struggles as you with parenting. Letting go of the attachments is something I definitely am working on too.
Beauty-full and inspiring.
This is an amazing sharing Felicity and one that offers great support for all parents. The foundation you are offering your children is a true inspiration for all parents and to have come across this when I was struggling with parenting (and within myself) would have been a huge gift. Thank you for sharing this.
Felicity this is brilliant. Such a simple recipe for preparing another to head into the world simply by choosing to reflect the loving practice of self in your every day. This has broken down a few beliefs I have been holding around parenting – one such as if they are making choices that don’t truly serve that this is my responsibility – when in fact being a true support and consistent with my choices provides an anchor point to support the child when they need it. I can also feel that when I take away the need for success to be a certain way I get to reveal in me what is holding me back from being the expressive, loving man I know I can be with my daughter – am I still defining success by material and financial security and if so how does this look and feel for our relationship and indeed with our relationships with ourselves. Everything has an impact. Thank you so much for this support.
How are our children going? This is a question for us as parents towards ourselves too–actually, how are we going?
Our children do all have their own choices and paths to take, and so do we. But what is precious is the connection and relationship built between us.
I love the part you shared about letting go Felicity, it is the deep trust we have as parents for our children–but not only that, it is the trust we have of ourselves, of not just the process of parenting, but that of life and evolution.
Hello Adele Leung, I know for me my life with children is one that is continually developing, so “how are we going?” is a valid question. If there is ‘things going on with the children’ I deal with them but also constantly look at how I am dealing with them. My relationships at home are a constant reflection and I use them that way. I don’t carry the house on my shoulders but I also don’t rule the house with my views. There is a balance there for me that is all about showing the children a way to be, to communicate that is not performance driven. So if I was to have a conversation with the children about me not wanting them to be performance driven but the way I am delivering to them is pointed towards them understanding, believing me or doing what I am asking them well then that would be a conversation that is performance driven while telling them not to be that. So as a parent I do my best to talk what I walk and that way most conversations don’t ‘need’ to be had because I am delivering so much more than meets the eye. One man I have found that talks what he walks is Serge Benhayon. A man that says more in his walk than most will say in a lifetime.
Awesome comments Ray and Adele, both very inspiring for me.
Our children are segregated, separated, pigeon holed, streamed etc in the name of doing. Kids are treated differently based on their performance and lets face it everyone feels it, both kids and parents. My parenting pearls of wisdom and ability to deal with whatever my kids bring home purely comes from my connection first, from there, the responses to their questions or dealing with their behaviour is pure gold and not reactive.
Nicely said Matthew!
It is so beautiful to see mothers who are caring for themselves and from that place caring for their children. This ought to be the norm rather that the exception.
absolutely Elizabeth
Wow, I can feel how truly open and empowering that way of parenting is, and for a kid myself, how important it is to respect my feelings and honour my want for more awareness in how I live and communicate.
It is interesting that ‘how are your kids going’ should be such a common question. I wonder how often people are looking for a true answer? If anyone is really looking for a measure by which they may judge themselves or their own children, your answers would certainly given them a lot to consider. They give us all, including those of us who do not have children, a lot to consider.
I am finding that parenting is an art-form in itself. It takes time and practice to get it right. But then it is a way of life also, in that it is always evolving as we grow and change. So, there can be no central rules to how one goes about parenting, except to live and learn with each other as a family un-exclusivly with the world.
Felicity I loved how you shared: ‘I recognise a variety of behaviours that show me where they are at’. Your connection with and sensitivity to your children is inspiring, purely from the point of supporting them to become more responsible and teaching them the skills to truly honour themselves. A superb blog Felicity, thank you for making the space to share your reflections on parenting.
It is so easy to make it about what they do and what we do, yet when I read how you answered that question I am inspired to connect to that in my children and honour them with not answering in an old pattern. Thank you Felicity, it is a very practical blog which I thoroughly enjoyed.
This is really beautiful Felicity. What I could feel throughout your blog was that you have deep nurturing care for yourself which you are consistently reflecting to your children, but you are not imposing anything on them. This feels like the key – they have the opportunity to deepen and evolve with your loving guidance, but their choices ultimately remain their own. Such freedom yet deep connection for the whole family feels really wonderful.
Parenting by example and reflection. What a powerfully simple way to do it. So often I remember growing up and feeling that many adults in my life were telling me what to do to have a fulfilling life but were struggling to live one themselves. This was very confusing and ironically unsupportive even though on the surface I had lots of support and everything a child could wish for. I have also noticed that if I do not practice myself what I talk to my kids about, they spot it a mile off and the level of respect they have for me dips and they become a bit lost at sea. Simply by developing our own self love as parents and then sharing not imposing this with our kids gives them the best foundation for life and the freedom that comes with the opportunity to make a true choice.
Thank you Felicity, you bring a depth into the relationship with your kids that is not determined by outer parameters but by the quality and closeness you have with each other. This is the ultimate support you can give anyone and it is the most amazing backing we can receive.
Society has placed so much emphasis on what we ‘do’, on our achievements, that who we are has become of little importance. I love how you share that you have made parenting about reflecting the choices you have made, rather than imposing them on your children, allowing them to make their own choices and experience the consequences thereof. How honouring of them to focus on who they are rather than only on what they do.
Will you adopt me?
Felicity I’m choosing you for one of my parents next life.
What a great opener to starting the conversation about parenting: “consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.” Anything less than this will sow the seeds for the dysfunctional lives that the majority of us are faced with on a daily basis.
Easy to hide as a mother, more difficult to break free, Yet, when we discover we belong to us first, practice self-care and self-love, these are the greatest gifts we can pass on to our children, in my experience they will “catch it”.
School is a massively difficult place – the lessons are boring but the work load and examinations are super intense, and then there are all the social pitfalls to navigate. The best possible thing for children is to have a solid base and someone to trust at home. I know so many who don’t have this, and so school is all they have, so they invest in the dramas, the peer pressure, the social circles and get lost in it, as there is no one in or out of it telling them to hold true to who they are – no matter what. Having a parent at home who sees you for all that you are, and supports and encourages you back to that person when you lose it at school is invaluable. I know that for me, having the steadiness of my mum when I came home was the biggest support navigating through school.
Hi Rebecca, “the lessons are boring” is that because there is no connection between the teacher and students? and I loved the rest of your comment, beautiful shared. I found myself often at high school (and even University) not wanting to engage or feeling so anxious because I can feel the disconnection in the classroom and there was no true learning or no sense of enriching at all. So I have found that in university sometimes I get over the top, I ask questions, speak my truth and get the class flowing again. If I had of done this in high school I think I would have been HATED. But I have found that I and also many others learn a lot more when there is more interaction.
That is amazing Harrisson. I feel the same with interaction in the classroom you learn so much more.
Hi Felicity sounds like you have struck a pretty good formula, they do need guidance but also need to make their own choices about food etc, as I feel too much control will only lead to rebellion and you are right it is their own path. I liked the point about if they react to a NO, well there is some sorting to do but all of it made a lot of sense.
Your story shows clearly that when we do not take responsibility for ourselves we start to look to others. I love that quality, care and self-responsibility are the indicators you now hold as key. You are an inspiration Felicity and inspire me to see that I can parent myself today with these same qualities of loving honesty. It feels like you and your kids are all going awesomely!
A realy great blog and reflection for us all thank you Felicity. This is such an inspiration into us and our children and how true relationships , family and parenting can be.
“How can this be a true way to prepare for adult working life?” You write about how young people typically respond to the stress of trying to cram everything in for exams and the ‘critical’ milestones in life. There are of course pressures in adult life, but creating this way of living in response is crazy and is a very dis-eased way of preparing for the future. No wonder, after 10, 20, 30 years of then living like this the body complains and starts to break down.
Thank you for a really great blog, Felicity, I love it. It seems I brought up my 2 boys, now middle-aged, in the way that you first approached it. – ” I know when I first began my road into parenting I was sure I knew what and how I wanted my kids to be. I had visions of top school reports, assuring me that my choices of private schools would pay off. If my kids then made it into university and into a stable career path that would also assure me that they were doing well. At some point, I imagined they would find a suitable partner and settle down”. Yes, Felicity, that is the scenario.
If I had my time again (a refrain often heard from older people), I would have approached raising them both in such a different way, much more as you have done. I would have been such a different role model for them if I had been living the way that I now do. I have learned so much through my connection now with Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Thank you for sharing.
I still have so much to learn about what it means to be a true parent, and I learned allready a lot. Every time a deeper layer of my own beliefs and concepts is exposed. Sometimes it feels like a little operation, where I feel the pain of holding on so long and finally letting go so my child and me can both be freed up. I learn about neediness and expectations and I learn not to beat myself up when I slip.
Felicity you cover so much here in this blog…it’s worthy of a handbook to parenting! I cannot agree more that all of these pointers you give here are life changing for our children’s growth and our relationship with our children. The inspiration you had from Serge Benhayon in how to relate to yourself and children will have a far reaching effect for your young ones and their generations after them.
Yea- so often I am in awe of what can now be so, since commiitng to a new way of parenting with the kids.
I can’t stress how much I love seeing things unfold. And I know, by these simple changes, I am influencing the parenting of the next generation to come- the impact of how I connect with my kids will impact so many others lives- it’s huge and totally wonderful
Great blog with great questions and answers. I have noticed also when I ask friends how they are, without thinking they start speaking about how their children are doing at school, university, have a job or are married. No answer how they themselves are doing. Like they are living for the results their kids are achieving. The other option is they start speaking about their work.
Great sharing Monika – I have had this experience also. You illustrate perfectly how care for children can become more attachment and investment into their so called ‘success’. I love Felicity’s sharing as it suggests that the ultimate success is to live with love.
Hello Monika Rietveld, I have noticed this too but I also see the many things people say in these moments. So while they may speak in this way it still tells me much about how they are doing and I answer that. The conversation soon after usually goes into more from there. I have found many of us don’t trust that people will listen and hear what they are really saying. Even in a conversation about work or children’s achievements there are many things people are saying that if you were only to listen to the words you may not hear. I do my best to listen to the person and hear them, not offer a solution or a view but just be there in the conversation. Many people are ready to say more but are also waiting for the ‘right’ moments to open up.
“How are your kids doing?” This is as far in to this blog as I got ( I will read the rest soon!) Because that is such a huge thing that you have brought awareness to. I am a parent of three and have lost count of the zillions and zillions of times that I have been asked this within the first five seconds of any conversation. What’s more, I can guarantee that my wife, has been asked it ten times more than often than me (a much bigger discussion about the way women/mothers are perceived by the world). But, here’s the thing – it isn’t just others. Me and my wife do it all the time to each other. Now I’m not saying that the kids aren’t super important and our and others’ care for them isn’t valid….but we are all missing the far bigger and more valid question that parents should be being asked and should be asking themselves – “How are you?”. There is no better way to look after kids than to look after yourself. That should be point 1, on page 1 of any parenting manual. Because it is the absolute truth.
Thanks Otto,
I agree, it’s the most stock standard question we face when people know we have kids- I was wanting to move away from giving trite replies as I felt it didn’t really convey the depth I could be conveying with others. I was sick of the sound of my nice replies- it was time to break out – I am so glad I did!
My kids are amazing because I am offering them the chance to reach so much more depth when we connect about what’s really going on- this can only benefit them and the world they influence with every choice they make.
There is no loss here, it’s a huge gain for the planet.
Great point, it is often easier for others, and ourselves to talk about our children, than to express and expose what is going on with ourselves. Because deep down we all know this, these chit chat tactics have become a far too common place as a way of burying our heads in the sand to what is truly going on with us all.
Yes how I am is often not even considered by others as talking about the kids keeps everything at arms length so we do not have to open up about ourselves. It is easy to hide behind our children I know in the past I have done a lot of hiding in this way. It’s almost like a coming out experience where you remind everyone, including yourself that you are here and can contribute to conversations and life much more than from the label of being a parent.
What you share Felicity is so true and has the potential to help so many parents. I know that if I had had this kind of guidance when bringing up my daughter, who is now 30, my approach would have been different and more enhancing for us all.
‘If they become quite reactive when I say no to something, then I know we have some sorting to do’ – I feel this tip alone could change our world! Imagine if we all approached every situation with this understanding and awareness. When things go awry, let’s work together to unravel and transform, rather than meeting one reaction with another and magnifying the chaos. Loving it. Thank you, Felicity.
Thank you for sharing Felicity on your parenting. I can relate to the question about how our children are going. I am filled with such responsibility as a parent with what answers this posses to me as a parent. It is freeing to know that the best parenting comes from myself living my truth. And then parenting comes from inspirations not obligations.
In society there is so many false ideals and beliefs around raising kids – what you share Felicity is very inspiring. To truly connect with your kids, and to always lead by example supports children to make more responsible and loving choices.
I absolutely recognise this preconception Felicity; “One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent.” Not only did it lessen the responsibility on some level, it also played into all kinds of expectations, social constructs and investments in a future picture. I know the next time I have a child that their education is first and foremost to foster their natural ability to understand and communicate how the world is, and then subsequently to support them in the school environment where they can learn what is needed.
This is such a game changing approach to parenting. Can we come visit, Felicity?! I am particularly connecting with the going back to basics stuff at points of tension and reaction – that everything flows from presence and connection so coming back to that first is where it’s at. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and a new way to celebrate and confirm our path as parents: by reference to the extent to which our kids are taking care of themselves and taking responsibility and able to communicate their feelings, rather than by reference to grades or other such accomplishment.
The description of inner stillness and calm as a ‘vantage point’ is hugely powerful.
Such an inspiring blog Felicity. – My fondest memories as a child was being in the care of my gorgeous granny – I had quality time with her, just being around her and watching the care of how she went about her daily chores was inspiring enough for me as an adult to want to recapture what I observed in her and to some extent bringing up my own children. What you share about “The quality of the home environment and how we interact with each other” is so important and so impresses our children to how they respond to life inside and outside the home.
I love this, Marion. An opportunity for me to appreciate the moments in my childhood when I was with someone who reflected this gentle, still and committed approach to daily life. And as you say letting that be an inspiration for me, for now. Thank you.
I think that’s why many have fond memories of a grandparent: they have the time, are not in the maelstream of life, and can enjoy the kids rather then put ambitions on them.
It feels important to keep the conversation going about this super important topic, because this new way of being a parent/parenting is not something far fetched, but possible for all families. How to raise children to be fully themselves should be on the agenda of government meetings across the board.
Yes I agree Janet, and instead of asking a child if they have been good or not the language needs to change to whether not they have been themselves or not. Children know the difference.
What you have shared is so true and has the potential to help many parents to understand that there is a different way to parent. Those of us that have become parents know all too well the traps that await us when we don’t listen to or feel what is truly going on and make decisions based on what we believe is the answer.
Felicity I can so relate to the many things you have shared about what you thought were markers of how your kids were going. I really love how you are reminded me that there is no perfection in parenting and that our children have their own path in life to unfold.
Thank you Felicity for sharing how you have been parenting, you make so many important points that I have also taken on since Universal Medicine has come into my life. I love hearing my son express in a way that comes from his true self, it inspires me to keep living the love that I am.
I appreciate to no-end this type of discussion being had in the world, or being blogged about. For there are billions of children in the world who aren’t left to be themselves, who want to shine; they become parents though their own trials and tribulations that don’t allow their children to be themselves, or to shine. A cycle here needs to end for the world to be populated with healthy, glowing, vivacious boys and girls – it’s a generation of parenting that is key this.
I used to find parenting quite challenging, and can still feel that way at times… but it is usually happening when I have gone into control mode again.
My daughter is awesome and is very good at openly discussing what is going on for her and has no problem with speaking up for herself. This is a wonderful thing…. and reminds me that she is her own being, and I am here to guide her, but not to control her to fit my box or my ideas of how my child should be based on what society is showing me.
These days I allow her to choose if she wants to do the sports carnival or if she wants to come to a friends house for dinner, because I feel it is great when we learn and can make our own choices rather than have someone elses wants and needs imposed on us.
Thanks, Rosie, I can relate to what you have shared. The more I let go of the control, the greater the space for my daughters to become themselves and explore their own truth in life. This has been challenging for me, because I so wanted things to be a certain way, but I am much more open now to looking at why my need was so strong.
This was such a joy to read Felicity. I love how you’ve brought parenting back to basics and given your children tools that will be with them for life – should they choose to use them. A very inspiring read – thank you.
This is AWESOME Felicity. You’ve written a recipe for raising well-adjusted children into responsible adults.
Felicity, this is a gorgeous blog and yes, very inspiring. Thank you. Tonight I was reflecting on how both my daughters are being given the opportunity to experience putting warm pyjamas on after their bath. I have been putting their pyjamas on their heaters to get all toasty while they are in the bath so when they get dressed they feel wrapped up in warmth. As I was reflecting on this most gorgeous practice I felt how much they were indeed experiencing. True care, true love, dedication of a parent to offering them the tools to self-love. Wow. What an experience. I know it may sound like a little thing but this is only one of the ways in which I parent them and offer them the enormous amount of love and care that I have come to have with myself. It is an absolute delight to be able to share all this my two girls and inevitably with all others that cross our paths as the joy of our relationship just exudes out of us.
Gold Robyn what you share here – the warm pjs are delightful and inspiring! Thank you, I know my girls will love this too
Wonderful wisdom for all in this blog Felicity. I know for myself that since choosing to take care of myself and make loving choices about how I live on a daily basis, parenting did become easier. It has not been without its challenges, but I know that the more I have chosen to stay connected with myself, the easier it has been and continues unfolding.
I also know that I have shown my children that they too have choices. They have seen the affects of my choices and this is my gift to them. Far from perfection, but I know they’d have a marker and can choose or themselves to be more and more self loving as they grow and unfold at their own pace.
I love that understanding, where we give others the space to grow in their own time, and this is a reminder for me also.
This is gorgeous Felicity – simple heart-felt wisdom that breaks through the parenting consciousness that we all seem to unwittingly succumb to at times. What I love most about your approach, apart being straight from the heart, is that it is non-imposing but also firm in its unwavering stance to accept nothing less than the love that your children already are, with no expectation, pressures or demands. I found these very inspiring words to read in a world where we constantly seem to be asking others to be something that they are not. Thank you for what you have honoured here.
Liane, I love how you wrote this:
‘What I love most about your approach, apart being straight from the heart, is that it is non-imposing but also firm in its unwavering stance to accept nothing less than the love that your children already are, with no expectation, pressures or demands.’
In a world where we and our children always have to live up to expectations, this is huge.
A twofold inspiration here, Felicity, thank you. One: I am responsible for myself and what I reflect to my children (the power of that, as opposed to lots of talk with no living of what I preach), and Two: that my children have their own path, make their own choices and for me to get it in the way of that hampers their ability to learn.
I can only imagine where we would be now if I had not chosen to explore the teachings of Universal Medicine and relinquish my vice like grip on getting it right as a mother.
This is an awesome blog Felicity as it offers another way to be as a parent with your child/children. I too am beginning to see that stepping out of the role of mother and into myself as a woman first offers my child the opportunity to know that we must love ourselves first before we can love and support another. I really feel this is the true way to parent, as it takes away the need, expectations and ideals that come with our current views and ways of parenting. Not only this but it offers each child the opportunity to stay connected to their truth, be responsible for their choices and to seek support if needed, setting them up to be responsible individuals who trust themselves and trust the choices they make in live. Thankyou for sharing your experience, I feel there is so much we can all gain from adopting a similar approach.
Felicity that turns everything I thought parenting was about, everything that myself and all my friends grew up to on its head. It’s quite amazing that the very basic aspect of the quality of being of children (and ourselves) is not often what we consider as part of the life we want. As you say the school, the grades, the house, jobs, partners are often put ahead of the quality of the person – thats been my personal experience. Yet now the next generation will be raised to know who they are rather than lost in who we need them to be and as you say that starts first with how we are with ourselves.
Thank You Felicity thats an amazing sharing and so true. So up to the point and put things together and expressed in words. A great one for all of us. With love Nadine
Thanks for this great insight into parenting Felicity, it seems that you are offering an amazing reflection by making loving choices for yourself and allowing your kids to see the benefits rather than trying to impose what you think is best for them. Very inspiring, thank you for sharing.
I can only imagine how it must feel for your children to now have a parent who allows them their own path rather than having another’s ideals put upon them. I can feel such a steadiness offered to your children, to be themselves but with regard for them selves and others. They are being offered truth and love rather than being asked to be what society says they should be.
I can so relate to this conversation as the subject has had a big impact on my life. When I was in high school for example, my grades often suffered due to the difficulties at home. I could easily get straight A’s in any subject, so how come I was getting low grades or flunking some? My teachers could see that something was amiss, and asked with concern about my home life. They were onto it – the quality of relationship at home is more significant than the school or the curriculum, and more important than the grades. And worse, if a child does have their own ambitions for higher education, as I did, the home environment is the make-or-break, not the school. As it was, I was vastly held back by the environment in which I’d grown up. Had I lived in a harmonious home with parents expressing respect and love for each other and caring for their own bodies, I’d have achieved my highest academic ambitions easily. But most of all, I’d have learned how to be in harmonious relationships with myself and others because it would have naturally flowed from the harmony and way of being at home. Love, presence and awareness first, everything else afterwards. Your children are blessed to have you, Felicity.
What an inspiring article to see how we can parent our children to be responsible and loving. Some great tips for all parents!
Indeed such a switch from measuring how our kids are going from what their achieving to how they support, care for themselves and learn to take responsibility and honour their feelings and choices.
Felicity, I will without doubt read your blog numerous times, what a gem of wisdom it is; I love this line, ‘And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place’.
Felicity, what a gorgeous and inspiring blog. So many great points you have shared here, and I love the ending:
“I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.”
This takes all the pressure off the ‘doing’ and ‘box-ticking’ and allows us to just be ourselves, which allows them to just be themselves. And how wonderful is that!
Thanks Felicity, I appreciated the reminder not to rely on school as the place they learn what is important in life.. Ensuring my own way of life is setting an example of a way to live that is counter to the current culture, but so much more sustainable, is critical.
We put far to much focus on knowledge, when emotional and physical health and well being are the foundations to a successful life.
Well said, Joel. The way we are living and the awareness we are developing about the level of responsibility required to be true to ourselves and our loved ones, is certainly counter to the current culture, as you say. All the more reason to keep telling the world about the incredible improvements we have experienced in our relationships and in our own sense of joy and wellbeing.
I agree, Joel. Kids need a steady home environment filled with truth, love and care, and parents who are connected and willing to support them to know who they are and what they are capable of. So when they go to school they have all that which is lived at home as their foundation. This is true education. Offering our kids a place to get to know themselves deeply and establish a consistency in this so they can take this out into the world and practice being themselves no matter what..
I also appreciated that reminder Joel, by setting that example we teach them how to navigate our current culture.
Very beautiful Felicity, the way you parent your children is great to read about, the love and support you have for them is so important, no imposing of the things you’d like them to be but just letting them choose what they do and want to do.
This is absolute gold, chasing after your children being in a top school so lessening your responsibility as a parent, what a revelation and what honesty Felicity.
Felicity how very inspiring to hear of someone parenting their children from a place of awareness and allowing rather than imposing what you need from them.
Just gorgeous Felicity. How amazing and inspiring for your colleague to receive a true answer.
This is gorgeous to read. Your honesty and appreciation of life is very tangible. The question of “how are your kids going?” does get asked a lot, wonderful that you found it to be an opportunity to make an honest assessment of what you feel.
I see so many children in the primary classroom from very early ages placing stress on themselves to succeed. We ask children at school to compromise how they feel as long as they get those SATS grades. Recently in the UK during SATS week, we had record number of children calling childline at the age of 11 due to pressure from these tests. The ironic thing is that these tests aren’t for the children, but for schools wanting to improve league table results. What are we teaching our children about how to approach life? So long as you get the grade it doesn’t matter what you put your body through?
Rachel, I agree with your comment whole heartedly what are we teaching our children. The pressure to perform at any cost is a lesson my children are constantly faced with at school. We work really hard to break down those ideals and have discussion centred around responsibility to self and others, compassion and understanding.
Nicole, that’s so great that you are supporting your children to deal with the pressure they face at school. The ideals of getting top marks can lead to stress as children and their parents seek to boost sense of self worth and esteem by what is achieved, which for most ultimately doesn’t work as when is enough ever enough? The bar of achievement keeps being raised when a large enough group meets expected outcomes and the cycle has to repeat itself. But living with “responsibility to self and others, with compassion and understanding,” takes care of all of the above.
I agree Tony and I would say that this is one of the biggest reasons as to why children seem to lose interest for school, because the school is not for them, even if we would argue that it was.
As you say Matts, school is unfortunately not just for children. The whole education system needs to be re-evaluated. What is going on for children at school, are they truly joyful?
This is so true Felicity. ‘ I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development’ What you say is similar to the relationship we have with ourselves: the quality of our inner life is reflected back in the lives we lead. By committing to our home environments and relationships we constantly reflect to our children a way of being that can best support them whatever they choose to do in life. Everything is energy and emanates from within.
This is great Felicity. The responsibility we demonstrate and the love we live for ourselves is going to give our children an enormous foundation of support ~ a living example and reflection they will have forever.
What is really lovely is that you really felt into the question ‘how are your kids going?’ your friend asked you and saw all that you have written. Most of us would not look at things so deeply or honesty and answer the question flippantly. From what you have shared I can feel your awareness of how the quality of what is said, done and expressed is important for both yourself and your kids.
Thank you Felicity you have raised the question of being a parent and sharing responsibility with children with great clarity and making lots of sense. You have also answered that question with equal clarity and your simple examples of how it can be put into action are truly awesome for me. The essence of it about meeting oneself as a loving, caring human being and taking that into all interactions with family members is really the key focus here. This inspires me both to live this connection with myself more consistently as well as stay open to what unfolds and how there is no prescription or role to take on.
Felicity’s children are indeed graced and blessed by her because of how she is choosing to live everyday.
As parents many of us have so many ideals and beliefs around what we think is good for our kids. One such ideal I had was that I thought both my kids should complete high school and get their HSC. Then possibly go on to University and study something important. My younger daughter wanted to leave school at year 10. I did not want her to thinking I knew better then her. Fortunately I did not stubbornly hold on and she did leave. Soon after she started to teach herself how to make jewellery and now has a very successful jewellery business which she loves doing.
I came to realise for myself while studying at uni that even the most educated do not often know the basics of how to love and care for themselves. I wondered what this was showing us as a society when loving and caring for oneself should be the most basic of things one does. The home environment is crucial then in preparing our children with this most basic of ways to live and be by reflecting to them our own loving and caring way of being. Talking at the dinner table and truly connecting with each of them is one way we can do this.
Well said, Joshua. To be extremely intelligent, gifted or talented does not make us loving and caring towards ourselves or others. Often these fundamentals of life are omitted when the focus or pressure is on bettering ourselves in a temporal sense.
So true Joshua and Janet. If we take a snapshot of the global environment from a political, social and financial perspective and assume those that make these ‘big’ decisions are the most educated and have the authority to make decisions, then we are not doing a very good job at it. Mass crime, corruption, murder, control, economic debt, drug abuse, obesity and health statistics through the roof.
A great point Joshua. When we make something like education a number one priority and yet “how to love and care” for yourself is down the list somewhere it should raise a red flag for us all. As parents and people it can all start at home and go out from there. It is amazing to look back and see how significantly we were influenced by school and our home when we were young. If you choose to take on the responsibility of something like parenting then there is ‘work’ required to go with that. It’s not just about letting your children grow up, finish school, get an education etc, it’s about raising the children and leading by example in the ‘how’ you raise them. In this we are all responsible, again something that starts at home with you and then goes out to the world from there. Thank you Felicity and Joshua Campbell.
I really appreciated reading your ‘variety of behaviours that show you where your children are at’, these are incredibly valuable and truly inspirational to read as a parent. They make perfect sense and bring such clarity and simplicity to otherwise emotionally fraught situations. There is much that our children can teach us as well as us show them too.
“Simply live lovingly and honouring ourselves first”, I agree Felicity, parenting from that quality and place I see at this later stage of my son and daughter’s lives is the greatest good I can do for them AND everyone else I meet.
Yes that deeply resonates with me too : ” “Simply live lovingly and honouring ourselves first”, The more I am in connection with me the more I can be and live in this way with me, and offer this reflection to my teenage children too.
We can make parenting (and I certainly have) the most difficult job in the world, when what is called for is to be true to ourselves in order to be present and consistent with our kids. I was so caught up in my own struggle with life that I did not truly see what was going on for my daughters, but that is changing now, thanks to Universal Medicine and my return to love – it is never too late.
Me too Janet. And I also have Universal Medicine to thank for my turnaround and am in total agreeance that it is never too late. I am learning so much from the way my young grandchildren are being parented. I am appreciating just how important it is to be fully present and steady so that any situation can be seen and read clearly and be acted on accordingly before it has a chance to escalate. . .Children test our love and commitment constantly and although it is often not obvious at the time they yearn to be called out for not being themselves. Being accepted as anything less is actually a rejection of who they truly are. This hurts a child deeply.
It is such a grace you provide to your children and yourself by the way you now parent your children Felicity. To let them choose their own path in life is one of the greatest things we can do as parents while providing them the support they are asking for, is all that we have to do.
Well said Nico van Haastretcht. Allowing our children to choose their own path honours them and the innate wisdom they have.
I recently had an opportunity to gather with my extended family members – the cousins, their partners and their children etc. It was interesting to note that despite how much we disliked the pressure we felt as we grew up, we’ve somehow ended up being imposing just as much as our parents were, only in slightly altered versions and it felt like a trap. I am not a parent myself, but I can see how this is never about bringing in a different version of ideals and beliefs, but it is about us as parents/adults connecting with ourselves first so that the true reflection is available for the children to grow up with.
Wow Felicity, I could feel how much you honour your children by honouring yourself – this is so very beautiful. And what a foundation in your children’s lives for them to make choices from!
It is so clear, how when I have been disregarding and not looking after myself, how much the whole household reflects that. But when that consistency is there, to truly care for myself the best I can, it is amazing how my children respond if I change away from that.
They will pull me up, “Mum why are you eating that? You don’t eat that”, or “Mum do you really need to eat more?” or “Why have you not been able to get up early?”… which really showed how even though they are choosing different food, or life style that they are constantly sensing and watching, and highlighted to me the responsibility we all carry as parents.
Lovely reflection Aimee – who’s parenting who?!
I love the magic that happens when the parent and child inequality is replaced with the humility of equality. I learn an enormous amount from my children when I am open to hear them.
Very true Matilda – if we can get over ourselves as the parental authority then the wisdom available from our kids is enormous… and the confirmation for them of being able to express the truth no matter what age is one of the greatest lessons they will ever learn
Yes the size of our wisdom isn’t necessarily related to the size of our body.
Yes, my kids don’t seem to make exactly same choices as me, but they do notice it when I am feeling super amazing due to my choices – it sticks out to them and I know this is the only way- to lead by inspiring them
A very important question you have raised here Felicity – how do our children feel about themselves, how do they feel when they interact with the world? It is so interesting how we focus on developing our children to fit into society by how they achieve and what they do. Rather than developing the preciousness and love that they are and how they feel with themselves. So they nurture and appreciate that they also have the wisdom to make choices and learn how to hold this truth as they grow and interact more and more with others and society. There is another way of parenting and you have beautifully reflected this way with your children, and all – truly inspiring.
The way you describe parenting is groundbreaking and yet, it makes so much sense. It shows what is truly important in life beneath the façade of academic achievements, high paying jobs and potential partners. It feels like the latter will fall into their rightful places when honesty, responsibility and open communication are attended to first. I also get a strong sense of the joy and freedom that you now have when raising your children, a far cry from the usual story of frustration, tension and stress.
Yes Gabrielle-
It’s miles away from where I was at with parenting initially and how I was raised- I was given attention if I proved I was bright or the best at something, but never for just being who I was.
I feel like so much pressure is gone from my parenting experience now- I know what to look for.
Just the other day one child was being rude to another child- I connect deeply to her essence and said- hey, you have amazing people skills, that side of life is easy for you, why are you not giving that amount of love for people to your relationship to your sibling?
Yep the child got it!
I agree Gabriele Conrad, what Felicity has described here about parenting is groundbreaking.
I am always struck by how stressed and distressed most parents are. It feels really important to change that so that parenting can become a joy rather than a chore.
Without perfection, it’s exactly this I am working on
Hi Felicity, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your blog on your response to the question “how are your kids going?” – and even that short questioning sentence took me back to my childhood (over seventy years ago) where we were taught with words coming from tight lips and a pale furrowed brow that you never refer to your children as ‘kids’ – for these are baby goats. I can feel the gentleness, respect and tender love for your children – what wisdom, an innate knowingness within there is to draw on (as we have been reminded by Serge Benhayon) a wisdom as deep and as old as time itself. I feel the absolute beauty of the environment in which you are raising your children (kids). Thank you.
It’s a pleasure to be writing this and sharing it with you Roberta. I can relate to the heavy rules like ” don’t call children ‘kids”. Yet such rules don’t offer a way forward for parents at all, nothing is changed by using a term, true change comes from connection … and it’s so simple.
Yes there is certainly a different way to be with kids … It’s so refreshing to feel the connection true parenting allows a child to just be and the support that offers.
It makes absolute sense that living the love as a parent is what inspires children to do the same. We all feel so much, and kids especially are more in touch with their feelings – parents have so much of an influence on their kids beyond any words spoken – much responsibility, but also as you say Felicity, much fun to be had by all.
We all get inspired by someone who lives love and does not hold back sharing this, whether our children, family, friends or someone we do not know.
As you say Marika, children are incredibly sensitive to what is going on around them, if we tell children what we want them to do it is one thing but if we live it by example, it is another.
Beautifully said – our influence on kids is so much greater and so much deeper than any words we say.
Awesome Felicity. It’s just so very cool, how through simply looking after you means your kids get that unbelievable reflection that allows/invites a true relationship. So awesome.
I love what is being shared here and in all the comments. This is such a fundamental subject. How we raise our kids is what determines what is next for humanity. Both in our homes and in schools. In general the focus has becoming solely on what it is we do and how much we achieve. To be about being successful in work for a man and a good mother and wife for women. The game has changed but the focus has even more so become on the outside factors.
This conversation about what truly matters and what it truly means when are kids are doing well is a game changer at least!
Hello Felicity, it’s great to start to talk about the things that go on around parenting and to have a look at some that maybe not true for us. As you say there is a belief that if you choose the ‘right’ school for instance then job done with education and then that should also set up a career path as well. Parenting is a day to day or moment by moment proposition. Like any relationship it is about connection first, so connecting to what is really needed in each moment. I am not saying choosing the ‘right’ school isn’t important but it needs to be done with a flexibility and knowing that this is only the first part of the education process. Most, if not all children are able to learn easily but how they learn is important. Are they going to be burnt out and overwhelmed in high school, how are they in their interactions at school with their peers. We as parents can get caught in or locked into a path and almost go on autopilot, and as I said choosing a school can be an example, it’s easy to get caught up in life and not really see ourselves or our children. I have found the more I connect to myself and then those around me like my children, then the more I see and the more flexible I am in the moments. It all started with Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom. Thank you Felicity for this blog.
Superb article Felicity thank you. You have clearly blown all the ideals and beliefs out of the water about education being the only way to give a child the best opportunities in life. Yes education is important, the real parenting and hence the real education always begins at home and with the way the parents respect themselves and respect their children. You are a great example of how there is no better way to educate a child than by living the principles of honesty, love and care as much as we can, so that they grow up with a living role model of how to establish these qualities in their own lives. To equip a child with the ability to observe, self reflect, connect with their stillness and honour their feelings, does as you say, provide them with the key navigational skills required to sail through their lives. The waters may not always provide easy passage, but the strength of their relationship with themselves will stand them in good stead to handle all weathers on the way, backed up by parents who are also using the same skills to navigate their way through their lives. It’s a joy to read that there are some kids out there who are “going very well” with the help of the ancient and wise teachings of Universal Medicine and the real love of their parents.
Felicity, you present a fabulous road map to parenting and your reply to ‘How are your kids going?’ is glorious and inspiring.
Thank you Felicity, for your sharing on such a needed topic of how to truly support our children. It is very easy to hide under the role of being a parent and get so caught up in doing things for our children thinking we are doing the right thing for them when in fact it is more like an imposition which is likely to create resistance from their part.
As you have presented true parenting starts with us first, living in a way that is honouring and respectful of our bodies and our beingness and reflecting this back to them without any imposition from ideals or beliefs of how they need to be but from the love that we are, and in that we offer a true a choice.
“My colleague said she felt incredibly inspired after talking with me. I can see why. . . it’s amazing how simple and fun parenting my kids can now be.” – I can see why too Felicity, I love your new parenting way.
What a wonderful blog Felicity, and way to parent your children. It turns all the usual beliefs upside down, and I feel every parent, and indeed everyone, would benefit from reading your experience. It also need to be sent to every Education Authority, locked as they are in all the outside successes first and not the inner quality of the the children and their relationships with family, friends and schools. To start the change would be such a benefit to the whole of humanity.
Truly inspiring to read your blog Felicity and how you have managed to turn so many aspects of parenting around since you took responsibility for yourself and your parenting. I have observed that it is quite common now for parents to expect that the school is going to do a lot of the work in teaching children to be responsible and vibrant adults. So far from the truth, and as you say it is the home and the parents’ reflection which provides the foundation for the children to participate in life both at school and everywhere else. Heartening to hear how your children are really going and lovely that you have taught them to connect with you as a basis to your communications together.
Gorgeous Felicity. It is incredible to see the changes in how you parent and what matters to you now versus before Universal Medicine. I love what you now share with people when they ask you how your kids are going, offering them to feel the quality of how your kids are living, not making it about what they have achieved. What a solid foundation you are offering your children in the way you now choose to parent, one that is based on true love rather than about seeking recognition and achieving.
There’s a conversation about how the kids are going and not what there doing! Its a little different
What a great blog, thanks Felicity. There is much to love in what you have presented! I too was a bit caught up in the whole perfect school ideal and layers of this ideal keep being exposed as I continue the process of looking at high schools for my children. Thank you for this pearl of wisdom ” I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.”
In just allowing your children to be but offering a choice to live to the same quality that you empower your children with both the freedom of how to live but also with the wisdom of everything you have lived, what a way to parent!
Absolutely Oliver. Role modelling is everything in parenting. But to understand the science of this takes practice, because there can be no need for control which is a bit scary when you are a parent because you tend to want your kids to be safe, and being in control feels like a way to ensure this. I have found that learning to trust both myself and in turn my children, is a great way to start to put aside the need for control.
Felicity thank you. You have explained here what it means to truly parent from the heart and not from those insidious ideals and beliefs of this world. How blessed are your children to have a mother who loves them from who they truly are.
Parenting is such a wonderful topic to open up and discuss because every day I see parents struggling being parents.
This is not because the parenting itself is hard, but that we are struggling to be ourselves and so there is this very weak foundation to be parenting from. If, as Felicity is writing, we have more self – responsibility and awareness then we are in a position to feel what is truly going on and parent accordingly.
Well said and so true Simon, children expose in us where we are not strong within our selves. Parenting is a very exposing occupation. It demands us to be more. More responsible, more aware and more ourselves. Anything less is seen and noted immediately by the child.
Yes Elizabeth I agree and the parents know that they are struggling, hence this is why they read so many books of how to be a good parent. They are looking for support but can not find the true support out there . . .
This blog makes me feel like cheering! I absolutely love the way you responded when asked how your kids are doing. So often parents use kids and their achievements to prop themselves up but your responses show that you value love and evolution above all. Absolutely awesome
Beautiful sharing Felicity, so very practical, simple, not perfect, yet full of learning and love – true parenting.
Thank you Felicity for such a lovely and loving expose on being a parent. I have often wondered how raising children would be from love, rather than expectation, as my son was in his late thirties when I ‘discovered’ Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine Presentations. I can say that our relationship with each other has changed from one of expectation of how a mother and child relationship is ‘supposed’ to be to one of love, acceptance and mutual respect.
‘As I decreased my reliance on the school to provide anything other than basic tools and skills for life, I consciously took responsibility to live a deeper quality at home by way of treating myself with love, care and respect.’ What a beautiful reflection Felicity for your children which will set them up to meet the challenges they face when they go out into the world with confidence and steadiness.
Really awesome Felicity. Finding the balance between perfectionist parenting and irresponsible parenting is tricky to do, but you have nailed it. Thank you for sharing – beautiful to read how this has inspired others and your kids to take more responsibility in their lives!!
Inspiring blog Felicity, can you print one off for all parents in the world, how blessed all children would be then!
I remember getting those letters with Christmas cards from friends who would love to tell me all about their children, and it would be all based on how they were doing at school and what they had achieved. More of ‘look what a good parent I am’ rather than just celebrating and acknowledging their children for just being amazing in themselves for who they are.
Yes- it’s tick box parenting which most people fall into by default. And it serves no one.
It’s time for true change in this- bring back the joy of parenting – it’s amazingly simple to turn it around and also we see so much more when we connect with where our kids are really at, not what boxes they tick.
Thank you Felicity – you really show here the ‘default’ path here a lot of parents go on to tick boxes of success within their children.
I know my parents had the same expectations for me – and because I was aware of that, I started to see those goals as what I needed to achieve. ie. do well at school, get into uni, find a partner, make my parents grandparents.
And I completely fell for that rather than focus on the quality of who I was – because I didn’t know who I was when I took all the roles away – so in understanding through Universal Medicine that actually there is something worth nurturing within us, has allowed me to start to drop these expectations I have within myself.
WOW – a totally different way to parent based in love, honouring and self responsibility – thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you Felicity this is such a brilliant, real and honest sharing into true parenting and is an inspiration to read. Offering responsibility and true, loving reflection is a real gift of gold to true relationships with our children and parents alike. A simply beautiful way forward for humanity.
Felicity, you raise an important focus on what it means for our children to be successful in life. You paint the picture of what many parents aspire too; a good education with good marks, university and a well paid job at the end with a spouse and children. If our children get to this we can we say we have done our jobs as parents and all is well….for us! “Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.” This seems to be a lesser investment than the former and to question our priorities as parents is very valid!
Until coming to Universal Medicine being asked “how are you” was usually followed by how I was doing in business and all the things that pointed towards success and not about how I was really feeling. Your blog Felicity is such a support to parents who have got caught in this trap of how their children are doing rather than how they are feeling within themselves.
Hi Felicity, What a true picture of how parenting can be and your children will learn so much self empowerment from the way you are choosing to parent them – allowing their unfolding into adulthood. Inspiring.
I like the way you have emphasised the importance of developing a true connection with your kids above everything else. Your blog is one all parents should read.
I could relate to a lot of what has been shared here about mothering, parenting and the expectations we have of our children to be a certain way, and in being able to explore where these ideals or pictures come from. I too have been through a similar process with my own children, measuring themselves and myself (as a mother) against a set of beliefs and expected behaviors. I have by no means mastered letting go of all of these, but am certainly more aware, and am now learning more than anything that how I am with my children and how much I am able to truly support them in their own choices, is always reflective of how I am supporting and caring for, and with myself, in the first instance..
It’s interesting that to parent others, namely our children, parenting ourselves comes first. When we take the time to begin this process of caring and loving ourselves, parenting our children changes. Living and giving ourselves the love is a huge reflection for children and it offers them a lived learning experience, even when we think that they are not paying any attention.
You are right Matthew, children are acutely aware of everything we do even if they spend half their lives in their bedroom! It is so true, if we truly love and care for ourselves first then this is felt by them and notice they will – and I am sure that by living in this way it allows children to let go and be themselves. I wish I had lived by this premise when my children were growing up, but it is never too late to change and even as young adults I am sure that our children will feel and appreciate that if we are living more of our true selves then they can too.
I love that Matthew, ‘parenting ourselves” and I fully agree kids do not listen to what we say, they observe what we do and how we are first and foremost.
Yes we may not think that children are not paying attention, but they very much are, especially in what is felt and observed, more so than any words spoken. How one lives is constantly reflected out for all to see and feel. The tone behind a word more understood than the word itself, the look from the eyes, the level of presence or not. We are communicating so much more than we may realise just in the way we are choosing to live.
Agree Marika, my kids know instantly if I am really connecting with them, or just saying words with without connecting to me or them first. They respond so differently based on the connection I offer them. It’s uncanny to some perhaps, but makes perfect sense.
It is the lived reflection that holds the greatest power so to speak. Sometimes words are not needed when we are given the lived reflection.
This is great to remember Matthew, ‘living and giving ourselves the love is a huge reflection for our children and it offers them a lived, learning experience, even when we think that they are not paying attention’, well written, on reading this I can feel what an impact me living lovingly and caring for myself will have on my son, to him it will be normal to eat healthy foods, go to bed when he’s tired, have wind down time before bed, all of these are such important life lessons.
This is such a wonderful straight talking post Felicity, it is amazing how much of parenting is actually underneath more about showing the ‘success of the parent’ or their ‘parenting skills’, as opposed to their child’s development of themselves towards their own love. So much so it is without surprise that a child goes on, eager to please, striving to do well in exams, study, and tick all the boxes – so often for the parents need (or imposition even) to feel fulfilled in life; confirmation that they’ve done a ‘good job’ in parenting. Living one’s life through a child and their accomplishments is no measure of success in parenting to me. True success in parenting is living daily the love that beholds and inspires them towards their own, as you so well describe here Felicity.
Beautiful Zofia, “true parenting is living daily what beholds and inspires them towards their own.”
So well said Zofia. It’s a never ending cycle unless like Felicity, people take responsibility for their own lives and don’t project their needs and fulfilment onto their children. Felicity has broken this cycle by choosing to live her own life lovingly and by honouring herself which gives her children a true role model of a woman – super important whether she has sons or daughters.
“simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.” Thank you Felicity, I am finding that this is true of all relationships, this simple love and honouring of oneself is reflected back more often than not and the quality of our relationships grows and deepens.
Felicity, I feel what you have shared on Parenting is something all Parents could use as a very beneficial guide. It gives each child the opportunity to still be treated as an individual and at the same time be offered the support and Love they need as they grow and mature into responsible adults. A truly inspired way of Parenting. Thank You Felicity.
What a loving family Felicity! I too have changed my views and behaviours quite dramatically on/with parenting since becoming involved in Universal Medicine, albeit that my children are much older. As I am becoming much more loving and accepting with myself I am finding that I am able to step back and give my children the space to develop in their own time and in their own way. This is not always easy but it does give me the opportunity to stop and reflect on why I am so keen to get them to fit into my ideals. I soon realise that these ideals and beliefs are coming from the outside and aren’t focused on seeing my child for who they really are. This is a wonderful handbrake and helps me get back on track with my relationship with them.
That’s really amazing to be able to see and express Helen. And what a blessing your children are receiving! Being offered the space to develop in their own time is an absolute gift, and something children and teenagers are not often given. Thank you for sharing!
Great sharing Felicity I love the points you raise about how your kids are doing. The simplicity and clarity is very inspiring.
How amazing would it be, if we could see more kids freely expressing themselves within their schools and with the teachers and schoolfriends. Building loving Relationships as a subject at school would be awesome.
Yes this would be amazing Monika having children freely expressing themselves at school. I can feel how a truly loving and supportive relationship with a parent can give a child the true confidence to express in this way.
Thank you Felicity for reminding me what true mothering is. I too used to believe that school reports, a well paid job, plenty of friends meant a successful life. Since coming in contact with Universal Medicine I have let go of these notions. I can still impose on my children at times, but now I have an awareness that outwards success can hide self-loathing. Being ready to support them when they ask for it and respecting their choices has enriched our relationship.
Thank you Felicity for your great blog. I love you saying that ‘the quality of our home environment and how we interact with each other is absolutely foundational for the development of our kids’.
‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’ I absolutely agree, taking responsibility over your own life and that of your children and not handing it over to any school or institution, is number one priority for a healthy upbringing for our children.
Your blog touched me deeply Felicity, especially the response on the question you gave in the end is so beautiful. I can feel the love in that and it is not the thing I hear often around me. It is great you are sharing this as it gives so many parents (and everyone really) the opportunity to do this as well.
I so agree Lieke, reading what Felicity expressed about how her children are really going, has changed my view for ever of how I will respond when asked the same question. It was a bit of a ‘oh oops’ ouch moment reading this as I realised how much I can go into the run down of what my children are ‘doing’ instead of how they are ‘being’ when asked by some family and friends. Awesome wisdom here for everyone!
Absolutely Aimee. I found that too when I read this blog again how beautiful it is what Felicity has shared here. It is so common in society to make everything about how we function, including how our kids are going. Instead of how we really are feeling, thinking about ourselves and moving.
That’s pretty cool Felicity, rather than allowing systems or positions in life to assure that your children grow up in the ‘right way’ as is the mainstream picture of life – good education + good job + relationship = good life, you’ve instead focused on who they are already and started to support that. The whole ‘parents know best’ whereby the kids know nothing until they are adult (and even then are still considered not experienced) feels like a constant battle to stay on top of everything or to remain as the fountain of knowledge that will always be needed. But here you are allowing them to make their own choices and feel it for themselves and thus make their own ways in their lives, sounds like a much more self empowering way to learn about life by learning and experimenting ourselves.
Wow, that is just awesome to read Felicity. I want to be a kid in your house! What fantastic foundations and preparation for a responsible and loving life.
I so agree Jeanette, being a child in Felicity’s house would be absolutely awesome and so supportive of the life that is ahead of me. She is certainly re-writing the guide to parenting!
Gosh Felicity, there is so much here to reflect on and I love and can relate to everything you have shared. As a parent it is so easy to bathe in the reflections of our children’s academic or sports achievement and in so doing we encourage them in these achievements- it becomes about our needs and not them. As I observed myself doing this I nominated what was happening and was able to truly support my children to follow a more true path for them rather than the standard one of seeking the highest accolades. As you say, “their path is their own” and sometimes this can be the hardest thing as a parent to truly allow and to live this on a daily basis.
This is the most truthful and awesome answer ever to the question: how are your kids going? Even if we ourselves get the question how are you going, how wonderful it is to truly say how you feel and what is going on in your life. Thank you Felicity, you give parenting a whole new dimension.
Beautifully put Mariette. The answer Felicity has given to, ‘how are your kids going’ is super honest, and in her response she looks at the WHOLE picture of their lives, the families life and the relationships in their life.
Felicity, what better way to parent than to live yourself the way that may support your children best but leave them to work out for themselves how to live their lives. I also loved how you offer reflections on how your children act with their friends, at that age it must be so supportive to be given that feedback on patterns of behaviour and encouragement to be themselves.
This is a great point to highlight Stephen, ‘I also loved how you offer reflections on how your children act with their friends, at that age it must be so supportive to be given that feedback on patterns of behaviour and encouragement to be themselves.’ Since reading Felicity’s article I have had more conversations with my son about how I notice he changes with certain people and not others and also about how people feel, he has been recently talking about whether people at his pre-school stay themselves or change and he describes the angry faces staff use to tell him off, he has told me the difference that he feels in his body when playing with different children, whether he feels calm or whether his heart is beating really quickly, it is amazing how much kids feel and it has felt great to have open, honest conversations with him about this.
Absolutely, to be given loving and supportive feedback rather than feeling judged on their actions allows for them to recognise their own patterns in relationships and when they are true to themselves.
I love this blog for so many reasons Felicicty but mostly because you break the mold of the ideal that kids are ok if they succeed in school, work and have a relationship no matter what the quality behind it. And secondly for showing that good parenting starts with taking responsibility for your own quality of life first.
Yes these were a standout for me too Carolien…when we put so much focus on what kids can achieve and do, we are essentially producing great ‘doers’, but at what expense to the ‘being’ that is left starving to be met for who they truly are?
Thanks to you Carolien for seeing the many reasons a true way forward in parenting is worth celebrating.
This is gorgeous Felicity. Your kids are blessed to have a mother that will honour them, and let them be who they are. I like what you have said about you being there for support as they can go and take on their own path, thats very beautiful. Developing this relationship and knowing them so much is awesome. I bet your colleague was thankful that you shared the truth with her 😀
Yes she is very thankful. It was an exquisitely beautiful moment and deeply inspired me to keep bringing all of me to such conversations. She also blessed me with her openness and respect for what I shared. A truly delightful conversation.
Felicity I adored reading your blog . By showing responsibility and care for yourself , your children can see and feel that for themselves and that is a true gift.
So true Kelly, we all learn by reflection and observing others – and that always begins first from the everyday lives we live in our homes.
It amazes me how identified we are with the success of our children, as though they are purely our own creation, and not a fully comprehending being in their own right. We only have to look at the rate at which a child grows to understand that even a small child is a highly intelligent being. Of course, as parents, we provide their most direct role model of how to operate in the world, and for that we hold huge responsibility, and have a responsibility to impart that which we know onto our children, so that they receive the guidance we may have not have necessarily received ourselves. But too often in that there is an arrogance that says that we know more than our children, that because we are a parent that we have to be right, rather than accepting the wisdom that can come equally from our children. More important than a child’s temporal success, is the fact that they are met for who they truly are, even if who they truly are is not perhaps in line with our initial expectations. Parenting is a wonderfully challenging aspect of life, not least of which because it is the one relationship based on a blind date that we cannot back out of.
Yes, Adam, our children are incredibly wise and we can learn much from them
I couldn’t agree more, Adam. Learning to treasure the innate essence of my daughters rather than trying to control them and impose my expectations on them and on myself as a parent, is something that I am still working on, even though they are now adults. Letting myself not have to have all the answers and opening up to receiving their astounding wisdom has really helped in this respect, and I feel it is never too late to bring this to the relationship.
Yes Adam, that is what I see from the first part of what Felicity was saying when someone asks us “how are your kids going?” And this question alone can be very revealing. If the answer goes on to be like a CV then that could be an indication that something is out of balance. For me, and as you are saying Adam, temporal or an educational success with children alone isn’t something we can say is ‘great parenting’. From all the children I see they are all highly intelligent but it is how they are interacted with makes the difference, how they are seen. School for children is as much about the social interaction and learning as it is about the educational learning, a balance and not one overriding the other.
Yes well summed up- and what an original way to look at it- parenting as a blind date you can’t back out of!
Ha ha!
But Adam, it’s the most amazing date ever too, it unfolds exactly as it’s meant to, and every day is a chance to reimport anew.
I am forever humbled by the wisdom that comes ‘from the mouths of babes’, even if it registers as a smack in the head at times… Perhaps it is the blinding clarity that they can deliver that we don’t want to see, that causes us to ‘talk down’ to them and results in an inability to hold them as equal. It is heard in the tone of voice one uses when talking to a child and as you say Adam, it can often carry an ‘I know best’ quality. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. Every child was once an adult in a former life and so we have much to learn from each other.
Liane you have brought up a good point. Adults can be the first to ‘cut down’ a young child because of what they may bring up. What is this teaching our children? It teaches them that if someone brings something up in them, you quickly shut them down so you don’t have to deal with it. And then the cycle continues. Imagine the opposite – imagine an adult being humble enough to accept the love and wisdom a child can offer. How empowering this is for both adults and children.
I am in a living situation with 2 children – one of which is confident in her expression and does not hold back. It is so incredible to be a part of her pulling everyone in the house (and beyond) up. She has had the support to do this. She in turn is inspiring the other child to do the same -to be confident in what he has to express and not worry about what the reaction may be. It is also beautiful to be on the receiving end and to allow the children to express and not cut them down. I know I was cut down and it is very healing to break that pattern.
Hi Nikki, when I read your comment it makes me smile because I can see what a great role model you are for these children in how to be unimposing and open to learning with a humbleness so rare but deeply exquisite in adults when we allow ourselves to just be who we are.
I agree Adam that very often parents can have an arrogance of knowing more and being right, this way of parenting completely shuts the kids off as they don’t feel understood, met or appreciated for the highly intelligent being that they are, just as wise (sometimes more so!) than the parent. It is without the arrogance of having a higher degree of knowledge that the parents can flourish their children and develop their children, using their experience in the world as a way to teach the children how to understand and use the wisdom
Well said Oliver!
It is so true what you have shared here Adam about how when we open up to accepting and listening to our children’s wisdom, it makes for a more harmonious and growing relationship with them. Recently I caught myself basically preaching to my daughter about things and not trusting that she knew how to handle certain situations or responsibilities. But because we had a good foundation of always speaking how we feel to each other, she was able to express how it did not feel right how I was talking to her, and that I needed to trust her more. I took heed of this and instead of dictating all the time, I kept open and accepting her for all she is and is capable of, and let go of judgements regarding her behaviour. The result was that a real harmony was restored and it turned out that she then took on more responsibilities and handled herself like a wise woman of 70 years old, not the 7 years old that she is. I love too how Felicity has laid down a great template for parenting that is based on the quality of life, not just the end results of material wealth and achievements that were had via love-less choices.
I love what you have expressed here both Felicity and Adam, It is so true, Adam children are born through us; they are in no any way less than us other than in size for a while. This made me laugh – ‘Parenting is a wonderfully challenging aspect of life, not least of which because it is the one relationship based on a blind date that we cannot back out of.” Yes, indeed and an amazing roller coaster of a date this is! Children teach so much about ourselves, they are such a great reflection. Just feel to add – picking up a baby one can feel that there is far more to the little baby than tiny size and cuteness, in fact it more than often feels like picking up an adult person disguised as a baby and some babies despite their weight are far heavier than others of the same weigh. I find this very interesting. We cannot be fooled by age or size. Children are capable of being far more responsible than we, as a society, credit them to be.
“More important than a child’s temporal success, is the fact that they are met for who they truly are, even if who they truly are is not perhaps in line with our initial expectations” Brilliant
“My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk”. This makes you a good mother. I never wanted to look at my mother when I talked to her – I didn’t want to deal with her emotions.
Awesome Felicity you have certainly hit the nail on the head in regards to what is truly important in parenting. Good schools, exam results and a good career are worth nothing if the foundation of love and self care is not there in the first place.
My children now have grown up children of their own, but what influenced me more than anything in their early years was knowing that i would one day let them go to follow their own path and they needed me to give them space for their own self learning and development. Sometimes I rejoiced in the choices they made , sometimes I was saddened, but the love I held them in did not change. Now they no longer need ‘mothering’, they have me as a friend and support, as I have them.
Felicity – this is awesome – you are setting new standards of parenting – showing that it is not about the perfect school, or perfect job but about how they are in it. I love that you are listening and allowing them to make their own choices instead of imposing rules they can then break further down the line. Through your own way of living you are inspiring them to reflect on how they are in their own lives, to open up, to handle whatever comes up and to express how they feel. My children are now in their 30s but there is much I can still learn from your inspiring words, thank you!
Yes Carmel, it’s never too late- my parenting didn’t start out like this- far from it!
I was in total reaction for the first few years and didn’t connect at all really.
Now, years later, I know how much I have changed and I don’t spend time regretting my past ways, I simply commit to being more love now. The joy and freedom in this is endless.
Responding to “how are your kids going?” with discussing what I am observing, the choices they are making, how clear their eyes and how much responsibility they are taking for their actions opens up a much deeper discussion with people and often we end up reflecting on parenting together. I have often seen in myself and other parents an attitude of ‘cutting kids some slack’ because they are only young etc. But the choices they are making now will roll onto becoming the habits and patterns of their adult life. I am finding the most important things as a parent is to keep expressing the truth, questioning choices and the energy behind them. It may not appear to be welcomed or agreed with at the time but without me presenting it, who else will?
This is key Fiona what you have shared as often parents are wanting to be liked and accepted by their children so don’t pull them up when needed. Not realising that it is loving to pull your children up when they are not being themselves.
As you have mentioned – it may not always be welcomed but truth and love go a long way – into adulthood!
Marcia, this is so true… the parent wanting to be liked and accepted so doing whatever it takes to keep that ! I have personally done that in the past, so can speak from experience of how awful it is… and how it was a complete lack of my own responsibility as a parent, and how I was looking for and wanting my child to make me feel okay or feel complete. What then affected her is that I allowed unacceptable behaviour that then became a pattern which then was hard for her to shift, all because of what I needed. So glad that I had the support and inspiration from Serge Benhayon and other esoteric practitionners along with awesome blogs like this one.
Yes Fiona- if we don’t keep presenting this, who will? And yes, it may not be welcomed at the time, but we are playing so much bigger than that- they need to feel we have connected with them. I have found my kids do appreciate the level of love I offer them, even if they don’t always choose it themselves, they do feel there is a choice and they can consider how any choice impacts.
This was definitely not the standardised response to the question and shows that you have been taking notice of and engaging with your children to even notice that they’re looking at you directly and connecting with you when they’re speaking! I’m not surprised your colleague felt inspired.
Hello Shevon Simon, yes and this is a great pick up and shows the simple things are important to connect to. With Felicity connecting to her children as she has done then the little things like this stand out to be a possibility of something being wrong or different but not being said. It goes beyond the ‘norm’ of parenting and care for your children. I am not surprised either and more people will be inspired by this.
Very interesting what you write. Indeed, what are our ways to measure success and how our kids are? The usual answer is how they are doing, performing e.g. school, sports, grades. Never truly how they are themselves. Lovely way to answer in that way. It brings a whole new perspective to the conversation and a reflection for all of us to ponder: how are the kids as human beings, not as human doings?
Yes, I agree Caroline the focus on our way of be-ing is such a support. After all we are called human-beings not human-doings 🙂
I remember asking thus question to a friend years ago and she replied he was doing well getting As and I was shocked that she told me about his grades rather than how he was in himself. I have always known that what grades you got were not important. But now with my own child it is easy to get caught up in grades as a reflection of whether they are doing ok! But as you share what is important is how they really are doing, how they feel, how they are looking after themselves the choices they are making and how connected to their innate love.
This is so true Vanessa, it is easy to be consumed by grades and academic results. I am proud of my daughter at the end of a term not because of her results but because she has expressed herself during the term, because she has stayed true to herself and taken care of herself. Sometimes her report card sits unopened on the bench for days before we even get to opening it up.
What you say Vanessa reminds me of my nephew’s choice a few years back to drop out of university. He sought my counsel, I asked him how he felt about university he said simply ‘ constrained, I’m not learning anything, I want to develop my own ideas and follow what is true to me. I supported him all the way because I felt it was an act of responsibility, rather than following standard ideas of success. He is as beautiful as ever, constantly questions norms out there, continues to follow his own path and not be drawn into mainstream expectations and tensions.
That is beautiful Kehinde that you were able to offer this support. So many people feel this way about the education system but do not realise that there is another way, or they feel that they are letting others down by not completing their studies… all at the cost of themselves.
Great, Kehinde, that you had the opportunity to support your nephew’s choice when he explained how he felt about University. I take the opportunity when I can with my grandsons to emphasise that it is important that they feel carefully into decisions they make about their education, and do what really feels right for them, not just because it leads to a more prestigious career or makes more money. Two of them are now at University, and the other has less than 2 years to go at high school.
Felicity- lots to ponder upon, in relation to how we see success in our children.
I too have been seeing it as a “doing”, and have been responding accordingly. But now after having read your inspiring blog I am now appreciating how important this point is: “I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.”
I feel acceptance is an important point too, and understanding where others are at, without needing to control or impose on our children no matter what age they are.
Wow – this is a practical, no nonsense and inspiring article that well deserves a place in any parenting magazine out there on the shelves. Thank you Felicity and there are many parts that I can relate to as a parent. I love what is written here
“I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.” and have learnt it was my need to be a mother and identify with this that led to needing to hold a picture and be in control of my kids choices, thus when answering the question ‘How are your kids going?’ I would answer in relation to the picture I was holding and not in accordance to where they were really at in regards to love and truth. I will return to this article again and again. Thank you.
Thank you Julie for connecting to what is being shared here.
I too enjoy reading it and appreciating how wonderful it is to be founding a whole new way with parenting.
What an amazing change happens, when you truly meet your kids- beautiful role-model you are ! Thank you for sharing this.
This is such a wonderful article Felicity, i found it very supportive to read, I have a 4 year old son and can relate to a lot of what you have written, ‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality’.
Thank you Felicity for this great sharing, I love how you have put “simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality” it so absolutely simple and not imposing.
I have found that the more I am myself and parent from this quality the better my relationship with my child is.
Me too Sally, being ourselves and then parenting from this space is so rewarding. It gives the child permission to be themselves and an opportunity for relationships with a true quality to be had.
Hello Paul Moses, I agree and this is an important part to highlight. This shows that it all starts with ‘us’.
I agree Raymond and Paul, it does all start with us. I have noticed if I am struggling in any way in my own life that my daughter normally is too. I don’t necessarily need to fix her, all I need to do is to take responsibility for my part and show by example.
I agree Paul. I was struck by just how unimposing felicities parenting is and how the kids were so lovingly held to make their own choices but taught through reflection how these choices registered in their bodies and their relationships. There is such a beautifully accepting and loving feeling to this article.
Thank you, Felicity, there is a lot here to reflect on. How I present my kids when asked, is something that has always been interesting, as so often people look for a sense of achievements. In light of your blog I feel what is important is to honour their beingness, how they are in themselves and in the world rather than spout off a list of facts about what they have been up to. Regardless of the school, university, job, accolades etc, what matters is how they live their day being full of themselves as much as possible. And this is true throughout our lives.
Well said Janet…focusing on the ‘being’ rather than on what they are ‘doing’…a great foundation.
Yes indeed it is true throughout our lives, I agree.
I now really know that how I am is the most important thing in who I am- and it’s never about what I do.
I am so glad to see this generation now at the beginning of the turning tide to get new messages-
so different to what I grew up with and even what I initially bought into as a parent. And my experience of parenting is deeply enriching as a result.
Yes Janet Williams the sense of achievement is very high in the parenting stakes. There is often a badge of honour if you are the “do it all” Mum or Dad. I remember recently having a family reunion with cousins who had moved overseas and had returned for a holiday. We sat and shared our stories of sleep-overs when we were young and the fun we had growing up together. One cousin shared how she felt that her mother was never there for her. I remember that this comment had truth in it yet the image that was portrayed for us as a family was the stay home Aunt who did everything for her family. What was true in my cousins comment was the quality in the connection that was not there and the “do it all” may have displayed an image for others yet there was an ideal or belief of perfection to portray to the world that was not been felt a home. Thank you Felicity for sharing the joy of letting go with no perfection allows the whole family to grow.
There is an article I just read about in Finland and their Baby box. Finland has the lowest infant mortality rate in the world. Basically the state offers the box to the parents of every child born, 95% take the offer. The box is everything you need for the first year… just add child. Your blog should be in the box and it would be complete for new parents.
What a great idea- to add this blog to that box the new parents get in Finland!
Yes I agree it would then be complete indeed.
I love how simple parenting can be with a change of perspective.
Yes, how supportive would it be if all parents were offered a chance to see there are many ways to raise children… and sometimes its not about ticking the box, its about thinking outside the box.
To be offered the perspective that children don’t need to be moulded by the parents, that they can be in the world with our support and guidance. This would remove such heavy expectations upon the children (and the parent). Imagine that – if we were all given the space to be ourselves!
Yes Steve, what a true gift that would be.
Thank you Felicity, I get a sense of you raising global citizens with the awareness that you pass on to your children by role modelling a responsible and self loving way to live.
Global citizens – I like that. Surely that is part of our responsibility to raise kids to be amazing human beings.
Yes indeed the impact of such awareness when raising kids is profound for the whole world – we create the future with every imprint with the young, whether we are parenting them or have contact as a teacher, friend, relative. It all helps.
This is an inspiring lesson on parenting. Allowing children to take responsibility and make their own choices while offering them a true example from yourself of how the choices we make affect how we are in everything. Thank you Felicity.
Mary that’s where a lot of problems arise, when parents don’t let the children take responsibity for their own choices.
Doing everything for your children (as i did) and not allowing them to take responsibility of their own choices is such a great dis-service to humanity – for they then grow up (as i did) holding the world to ransom!
Felicity that’s a corker of an article. You blow so many stereotypes and beliefs clean out of the water and replace them with loving wisdom. It’s easy to feel the growth and love that you facilitate in yourself and in your kids. When people ask me how my son is going I no longer roll out the expected answers but really consider how he is really going in himself. I have shared with people recently that his hugs have become much more loving and intimate, which for me is so much more valuable than a grade A. What’s the benefit in having a grade A if you can’t relax enough to be held?
Indeed Alexis, what’s the point of being a high achiever or an outward success if you live your life in discontent, anxious, uncomfortable within yourselves or unsure of who you are. I am a 1st class Honours graduate but that never made my life better, Universal Medicine has helped me to feel much closer to accepting me as I am and that is worth more than any piece of paper.
Awesome points Alexis and Stephen about the school grades and the quality we feel within. Developing ourselves so we connect to our inner selves and the love we are far outweighs any worldly achievement. Strange really that this even has to be stated! Thank you for your sharing here.
YES! I love the hugs comment about your son! It’s so true, a kid who can give unreservedly an amazing hug is doing so much better than the kid with the A grade but empty. Thank you Alexis!
Yes ! I too can appreciate the quality of a hug, or the level of connection, gentleness and tenderness in a conversation is much more important a marker than anything else of how my kids are going. It’s great to have such an insightful way of assessing where things are at.
this is a splendid comment Alexis.
So often when you ask anyone the question, How are your kids going? it is all about school grades or sporting achievements, but what you have presented here Felicity is far more important and real. I feel that not forcing our ideas on food and sleep on our kids is important as rebellion may rare its ugly head but showing them by example and giving them the opportunity to feel for themselves as you have shown here. Parenting is such a learning curve and its great to have any extra tools to make the job a little truer.
Thank you Kevin and I agree, “Parenting is such a learning curve” and to be flexible as parents and people to not ‘think’ we know it all.
And more often than not, it is our children teaching us rather then us teaching them.
Yes Kevin, it’s crucial to not force anything on our kids- I know from my own life this is counter productive.
I set an example ( with no perfection!) and then allow them to make their own assessment.
I have learnt from personal experience here, trying to force what foods my daughter should or should not eat, but have now allowed her to experience things for herself and make her own choices. This puts the ball in her field and she has to take responsibility… and she then also gets to learn and feel what does and does not work for her.
There’s so much we’re learning here about letting go of control as parents. As you say Rosie, supporting children ‘ to experience things for herself and make her own choices’ is an essential part of that and we can get in a mess if we don’t. It’s a fine balance offering, not imposing, letting them feel and take responsibility for themselves. .
To reduce children to a mark in an examination, a “time” in race, a goal on a field is such a dismissive thing to do. we have a full, rich, beautiful being….and we diminish them down to a single aspect that makes us happy.
Do this and we get a miserable adult, reduced to a sales result, a performance metric, a set task, a report.
Felicity, you and the other parents on this blog are setting new parenting parameters that inspire those of us who are not parents.
Truly, does this blog not inspire us in how we treat each other as adults….and ourselves?
“we have a full, rich, beautiful being….and we diminish them down to a single aspect that makes us happy.” Serge Benhayon has opened my eyes to the greatness within me and with this flows the appreciation of the beauty and richness that each of my children bring to the world.
Yes thats an excellent point Rachel, the way we treat our children, with respect , openess and love, should be essentially no different to how we treat our friends, family, workmates in adult life.
This is taking what we already commit to in the family home, out into the rest of our lives. I have the learning of this in my adult years, and I wonder how simple it will be for those of us who grow up with this as normal in family life to integrate it into adult relationships, where there is no difference between home and the rest of the life’s relationships. This is the example I have seen from many people around me, hence I have seen the beauty of this from examples around me.
Felicity, your article made it very clear for me again that the first and foremost thing we have to teach our kids is the responsibility for themselves by us living it on day to day basis. From there on everything evolves accordingly, even if the kids may not choose it for themselves always, at least they have a marker in their body.
Same for me Sonja and as you say Felicity it is about knowing that when we live the reflection of love the process it is a natural process and whatever the outcome will be the seed of love has been planted.
And very inspiring to read Felicity how you felt to answer the question how your children are going. Makes me ponder how easy it is to just answer a very frequent asked question with what is been expected and how you stepped out of that comfort and gave such a real answer, a blessing for the one who has asked this question.
‘The seed of love’ has certainly been planted for these children Annelies and the world will be graced by it’s blooming. Everything matters and I appreciate that the care and consideration given to parenting the way Felicity has described absolutely matters for humanity. Inspiring.
Yes, as parents we are leaders and we do not need to control, all we need to do is live in a way that inspires. Then it is easy for the children, as they can make a choice because they have a living example right before them.
That is a powerful comment Sonja and even if I had not children it makes so much sense to teach our kids their own responsibility by being a true role model for them.
Wow Felicity how many parents would consider speaking so honestly about their children in response to that question. I love the fact that their was nothing about their marks or grades or what they are doing but all about really how they are. Truly inspiring for all parents who really do want to see their children doing well. This is a fabulous foundation for them too, so they get to know in themselves how they are really travelling through life.
We need to celebrate our children for who they truly are, rather than what they have done or achieved. When this is common place, self-worth issues will be non existent.
Wow Amina, now wouldn’t this change the world we live in. It seems so simple doesn’t it, starting with a celebration of our children for who they are and then they grow up without the issues that we see so commonly today.
I am so glad you made the connection in how parenting is done to self worth issues and how they originate!
Donna this is worthy of its own article!
I know I have had tonnes of self worth issues from wanting to be seen as important and special by others, but not giving that to myself first and foremost. This way of parenting, based on the connection and quality of it we have with our kids, leads the way to true self worth.
Yes I agree Felicity, I had the same thing tying up my self-worth with how well I did in my exams, at school and at university. The better I did, the more approval I got from my parents and the better I felt about myself. I had little connection if any at all to the true me during that time. It was all about achieving from a place of needing to be recognised.
Donna what you share captures something of myself Born into a family where success was measured through qualifications achieved, professional status and wealth, I too felt the way to self worth was through qualifications. When I made the grade I was elated and devastated when I didn’t. I chased after qualifications, trying to fill a need inside and to be recognised for my achievements and yet whatever outer achievement I made, did not change the emptiness I felt deep inside. Now success is measured by how I feel about myself, live my life and relate to others, simple.
Not being seen by our parents has caused me to look for recognition outside of me instead of building on a foundation of worthiness from who I am. No blame whatsoever to my parents as they were not met for the amazing human beings they were either. How we are met, loved and held as equals by our parents is super important for a foundation in life that allows us to shine and be who we are.
Thank you for being so true-full Felicity, your honesty sets the footsteps for another’s healing.
Very true Donna!
I once told my daughter that it didn’t actually matter what grades she got at the Naplan test so she went off to school and told her friends…. they couldn’t believe it…. but what I shared with her was that I knew she was awesome, and I didn’t need a test to tell me she could read or do math or was intelligent because what you do, is not who you are.
I too have downplayed the importance of NAPLAN etc as I know it doesn’t truly offer an indication of how a child is going. I do encourage them to meet their responsibilities in the classroom though – if teacher requests assignments be done, this is part of their responsibility to commit in full and complete such tasks. It’s about taking their place but not taking it all too seriously.
Felicity – I see the beginnings of a book about your parenting experiences, it would be a wonderful read for parents and non-parents alike. Even how you observe your children being themselves with some people and changing when with others and being able to bring this into relationship with them was fascinating and enriching to read about. When you share these experiences it sets a new standard for parenting. While conscious parenting may be the latest fad and catch phrase to describe the conscious imposition of ideals onto our children your version of conscious parenting Felicity is far more about being responsible for yourself as a parent.
Definitely Donna, it is who our children truly are that has to be celebrated, not what they do, and then they know they are naturally amazing and so much more.
So true Donna. When I celebrate what my child has achieved or done, I try to celebrate it in a way that celebrates him and not just the action. It is challenging as it’s a very old momentum and one that is quite deep seated. When I do celebrate such things, it also gives me the chance to reflect on how much I have celebrated him when there is no doing or achievement involved. That is something I have been building into our lives more and more – when he is simply being himself I stop and appreciate him and all his tender loveliness.
I agree Jennifer, being able to speak about our children in relation to their essence and how they truly are with themselves is a profound and rare but one we can begin to cultivate in the way we respond when asked about our children. It is so ingrained in society to equate success with academic, financial or career achievements and not in how we feel about ourselves and relate to others.
Felicity, your wisdom and knowledge on this topic will inspire many parents.
So many of us can get caught up in how we think we need to be as the parent, myself included, so it’s great what you share here Felicity. Seeing another way to be that is so much more empowering and confirming of our true nature and what we need, to bring it back to our own rhythms and then be able to feel what is needed in life. A great tool to pass on to our children to help them move forward in their lives from their own inner landmark of truth.
I have found that when I let go of expectations of how I should be as a parent and in return how my son should be as my child it freed us up to be much more honest and open with each other. By letting go of the ideals of a parent child relationship we get to see one another as people not the roles we create for each other. Of course it is still my job to raise my child, to guide him to be loving and truthful, to take responsibility for how he is and his actions and to be accountable to himself and what is required of him at school and at home. It is also my responsibility to live this way also and lead by example, otherwise it is just empty words and preaching to do what I say rather than what I do.
Its lovely to be able to have open and honest talks with my son and to be affectionate with him and allow his naturalness to shine through rather than him trying to be something I or the world wants him to be.
My role is to show him that it is possible to live lovingly and that home is always a safe place to come back to, a place that holds him as an equal. And the only way this has been possible is through being treated this way by others especially Serge Benhayon and his family who have inspired me to know what parenting is and have the confidence in myself that I know how to do it.
This is beautiful Rachel, ‘My role is to show him that it is possible to live lovingly and that home is always a safe place to come back to, a place that holds him as an equal’, thank you for the inspiration.
Yes I agree with what Rachel says, the knowing home is safe and supportive where kids can be themselves , is crucial. This helps them support themselves long term, having this foundation.
This is gorgeous and something they can take with them and choose when they build a home of their own. Gorgeous and inspiring for us all whatever age we are at!
Yes, I too melted at those words.
I agree Rebecca, that line stood out for me too. Our kids can be truly hammered by school, and this is considered normal. We have at ties struggled to truly support our kids commit to life in full, in the face of this but it is where the true parenting lies.
This sentence in Rachel comment stood out for me too “My role is to show him that it is possible to live lovingly and that home is always a safe place to come back to, a place that holds him as an equal. “. Reading this sentence, I could feel in my body the immense level of surrender that such an environment supports. What a gift to a child (and to ourselves too) to cultivate such a home environment.
Beautiful Rachel. The home you have created for your son and the honest and integrous way you parent must provide an amazing foundation for your son to deal with all he has to as a young boy growing up in a world which provides many challenges.
Gosh it is awesome to read your comment Rachel and Felicity to read your honest and loving account of your relationships with your children. It is truly ground breaking stuff that you are undertaking to love your children but not to take on the all familiar roles that are well ensconced around us but to feel what is right for you and your children.
Absolutely Sarah, what a joy to read these accounts of parenting other equal beings from a place of self awareness and not self interest or control, ideals and beliefs. I truly appreciate the responsibility that is taken up by parents such as Felicity and Rachel and the difference this makes to these children and the relationships they then develop. Inspiring indeed… ‘from little things, big things grow…’
Such wisdom in these words Bernadette. Parenting from self awareness and not self interest should be in all parenting courses!
Hear Hear!
Absolutely Bern, “from little things grow great things”, love that, so true. When it comes to parenting we must as adults be, reflect, hold and honour the love that a child is, for they are that same love and reflection for the world, and so humanity. This is what is behind the greatness of true parenting.
Absolutely beautiful Rachel – thank you. Bringing parenting to the heart.
Rachel this is gorgeous what you have shared and so true. The Benhayon family are truly a beautiful reflection and inspiration of how we can live lovingly with one another.
I agree it is gorgeous what is shared, and we are so blessed to be shown the reflection of love, harmony and joy in family.
I love what you wrote here:
‘My role is to show him that it is possible to live lovingly and that home is always a safe place to come back to, a place that holds him as an equal.’
Holding each other as equal and letting go of the beliefs about the roles of how you should be as a mother or a son sets us all free for true love.
Beautifully said Rachel. Serge Benhayon and his family have inspired many to know what true parenting is and from this inspiration many are now able to share the wisdom and experiences of their own parenting as both you and Felicity have done.
Rachel that’s great, “Its lovely to be able to have open and honest talks with my son and to be affectionate with him and allow his naturalness to shine through rather than him trying to be something I or the world wants him to be.” we lace our kids with so much don’t we? We can use kids as a barometer of how well we are “doing” and how well we are “being seen” as parents. The false ideal that if our kids are doing well we must be doing well, is an entrenched one. Thank you for raising the question of parenting. It’s such an important one for each and every generation!
That is a brilliant program Michelle – “clock it” moments where you say what you have observed are an opportunity for amazing levels go growth. They build a natural confidence that comes from seeing something, understanding it and opening up a conversation about it.
So many of us are used to seeing something, and pretending we didn’t…or doubting we saw it…or rationalising it away. That creates a sort of disconnect in us between signals coming in and our confidence in receiving and interpreting them.
Actually I would rather like to move in with you if I might. 🙂
What strikes me Rachel is the truth that we all have a responsibility to relate to children in the way you described – grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, sport coaches etc. When these qualities you share are reflected outside the family children can depend on that same love, care and honouring where ever they are.
That is really inspiring Michelle.
There is such great responsibilty in this post, I can really feel your responsibilty to raise your son to be a great human being, rather than a great son. And how little ownership you have in this process, instead guiding him with support and love.
Thank you Rachel and Felicity for sharing your approach to parenting now, so inspiring. Serge Benhayon, by sharing his family life, has opened the way for many to come to a new level of love and understanding about parenthood and truly supporting our children to be themselves in full rather than becoming caught up in what they can achieve.
Michelle, i like what you have shared here because as Rachel has already expressed this openly encourages the children to be confident with their ability to clock something they they feel, they see and then expressing it. Being given permission to trust your intuition, how you are feeling is one of most precious gifts we can offer to our children. For a child to live amongst this level of equality and responsibility is game changing.
This is a great point Michelle,,and one that I will integrate into my family sensitively and wisely. Thank you for giving me another point of development I feel I can integrate into my family.
Awesome Michelle. I fully agree that teaching kids about responsibility from a young age is an excellent idea, and they can learn that it’s not actually a bad or scary thing. This stops them from entering their teenage years with the belief that responsibility is the big bad wolf – something to avoid and fear.
Well said Susie. My opinion is to teach our kids how to take responsibility in early ages what is a great preparation combined with love and understanding.
What a brilliant program Michelle (as Rachel already wrote). I have been feeling lately that it would be really supportive for my young 5 1/2 daughter to help her articulate more what she feels -particularly around the acceptance of herself as well the understanding and acceptance of the World we live in – . I love your “clock it” moments approach. I can see how we could bring playfulness and lightness around it so that my daughter engages in it and from there, support her to not shut down her awareness and make it very normal to express around what we feel.
We are the same at home, encouraging equality and encouraging each other to take full responsibility – I have noted that even ourselves as adults we can always go deeper with this ourselves, in many many areas, and that is an amazing role modelling for others. I certainly constantly tell my husband and daughter to not accept/settle for anything less than love, for them to tell me when I do anything that is not that when this happens (I do the same for them), and regularly we discuss how we can support each others to cut unloving patterns. That is an integral part of how we live and I cherish this openness and honesty. This is done from a foundation that we love each others no matter what, and knowing that we are love in our essence. It is not about criticism ( although sometimes it comes as that when one of us is in reaction – and this would be discussed!) , rather about supporting each other to learn to not live less than in our fullness and understand that how we leave affect all others/the world around us.
Gorgeous Felicity. I love that your response to the question ‘How are your kids going?’ so clearly expresses exactly how your kids are ‘going’ in terms of their relationship with themselves and others, and not how they are ‘doing’ according to the usual standards (that don’t always take into account the quality and vitality of the child – just what they have been able to achieve).
Yes, it’s a trap I fell into at first with parenting, but not any more , thanks for your appreciation Kylie.
‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’- super true felicity. School for many people is hard so it’s fundamental to have a truly supportive home environment.
I agree Emily, as I have a 15 year old daughter, it is imperative that she has an environment to come home to where she can express all that she has felt in her day. Being at school is hard and the things she sees, hears and feels are downright horrible at times. She has to be able to express this in a safe and loving environment as she then gets to feel a huge difference between what life is like at school and what she knows to be true at home.
School seems worse today. I would describe my school life as subdued and constipated – not much happened and we were mostly quiet, energetically at least. Very closed off to each other, very cautious. Today things seem to be more in the open, with smartphones and social media there is a lot more interaction but possibly also a lot more control – any mistake you make leads to a photo on facebook. That must be sobering.
Yes I agree Christoff, school is a very different place these days. You talk about the likes of facebook etc and there is no privacy in these young ones lives anymore, everything is definitely out there.
It blesses us all that she gets such solid support at home too, it’s a huge service to humanity that you offer this really, when you consider the implications.
I love reading that Sally. Both you and Felicity have described something very important and so lacking today, and that is a home environment that supports the child as a person – not as a performer. So many children face extraordinary demands, fulfilling what the school needs of them and what their parents need of them. Are we really so lost that we cannot see this and are satisfied with nothing more than good marks in spite of the cost to the person?
Without truth, without stability and without the eyes of a parent that look straight into our essence, we are a boat without a rudder or anchor in treacherous seas.
So true Rachel, The importance and expectation placed on achieving top marks at school can create a situation where the person performing is forgotten for the tenderness and loveliness they are. Rather they are considered a failure or success depending on their marks and performance at school. I know this was the reality for me growing up and for my 14 yr. old daughter it will be different.
What a different opportunity you give your daughter when you are providing the space of stillness and love to reflect on. This is for me the true way of parenting, giving the kids the choice to come back to what they know that is true within themeless.
Yes, a place to come home to where you are encouraged and supported to just be you from who you are and not be seen for what you can do.
I agree Rosie it is amazingly supportive to have this, I am just experiencing this with friends/family now and it is the best ever ❤️
Rosie that is the key, which most parents forget. “Yes home to come to where you are encouraged and supported to just being you”, instead the parents get caught up in what you can do.
Providing such a space is so important. They have no expectations upon them and there is the space that allows them to simply be. It makes me reflect on the expectations I have on the kids instead of simply allowing them to be. Yes, to have boundaries but taking away the imposition of expectations upon them.
So true, providing that space and reflection at home that just to be who you are without expectations that you have to be a particular way to be loved and accepted is so important. In this way it is more likely that children can hold this within the barrage of expectations and comparisons in the world.
Yes this is super important for children, and for everyone.
For so long I have focused on the ‘doing’ and not simply being me…and this is clearly reflected to me in all my interactions with my son. Our children are great reflections for us in how we are living.
I agree – and many who don’t have a foundation at home use school in some way – either pushing themselves to reach high academic goals, or changing themselves to fit in with everyone. A firm and loving family home is what gives children the strength to hold strong at school and stay true to themselves.
And to that Rebecca, I would add a respectful home, where children, and parents for that matter, can be themselves.
The fitness ensures that “being ourselves” doesn’t turn into a tantrum-fest.
Yes wouldn’t it be amazing to have schools being inspired by those who live a true foundation at home?!
So often I notice schools try to act as a haven for children whose home-lives are chaotic. However they often are still unable to truly connect to the child/young person so the child/young person either learns to stay safe by conforming to whatever rules are set and therefore forgets who they are. Or they rebel in all areas of their lives and take on very self-harming behaviours. What a difference loving, supportive environments makes for us all.
Thank you for this reminder Rebecca and Felicity, ‘A firm and loving family home is what gives children the strength to hold strong at school and stay true to themselves.’ My son is about to start school and it is great to feel that no matter what goes on at school for him he will have a loving foundation and support at home.
I totally agree with all said Rebecca, a strong foundation at home is so important in this stressful set up that our kids get confronted with at school and with other kids. We as parents can provide our kids the place and space where they can feel unconditional love. To feel safe and held in that quality they know that is naturally within themselves, too.
Rebecca I agree “A firm and loving family home is what gives children the strength to hold strong at school and stay true to themselves.”, I feel this is so important, you can tell from children’s behaviour how loving and supportive their homes are. Children are so sensitive that their bodies express things quickly.
The quality of our home is super important, I love caring for this as a family, not just me as an adult. Yes, my part is important and I enjoy more and more caring for our home and my children in a truthful way.
How beautiful is it when children learn the value of caring for their home space as they are growing up, equally contributing to making it a super supportive space for everyone living there.
Yes Emily I agree, parents don’t have control over what happens at school, but I know anything can be handled if we have a strong foundation at home, of love and openess and true care for one another.
This is so true Felicity and I can attest to it in the reverse. I did not offer my children a strong foundation of love and true care at home, nor a clear reflection of self-love and it did not serve them well on any level. Having now chosen to be present and loving with myself my relationships with my children has changed as has their relationship with themselves and bit by bit we are establishing the’ safe port of call’ called our family and this is having a marked effect on them relaxing into being and expressing themselves, warts and all, and to honestly appraising what works and discarding what doesn’t.
Presence and self-love and a safe loving home base are the very basic foundation for life and parenting and work at any age. It is never to late!
I absolutely agree Emily. After a day at school, to have an environment that supports our children is vital and something I am working on consistently. I make mistakes especially with my rhythm but I am learning not to be hard on myself as there is no such thing as perfection.
Emily, school is not only hard but at the moment it cannot handle the overwhelm of emotional and behavioural misconduct. The school system is not supporting for that kind of problems, the teachers themselves cannot handle their overwhelm. So yes, true, a strong and loving home environment is super important for our kids to be able to grow in that kind of challenging school life and life in general.