I was out for dinner recently with work colleagues and was asked ”How are your kids going?” This was a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on where my kids were at, and what measure I was using to assess this. As parents we are so often asked about how our kids are doing – it’s a standard question when people interact – and if we have favourable responses, we can assure ourselves that all is well.
My Road Map into Parenting My Kids…
I know when I first began my road into parenting I was sure I knew what and how I wanted my kids to be. I had visions of top school reports, assuring me that my choices of private schools would pay off. If my kids then made it into university and into a stable career path that would also assure me that they were doing well. At some point, I imagined they would find a suitable partner and settle down.
Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.
Approximately seven years ago, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine came into my life and I began to re-evaluate all my notions of success in all areas of my life, and that included my kids. They had been my main focus as I was heavily entrenched in the role of being a mother at that time. I realised that I had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment. There was much to re-consider.
One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent. I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.
In the past I had a tendency to look to the school’s assessment of academic success as a major yardstick by which to judge if my kids were doing ok, even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment.
I also used to think that the most important thing was a high paying job, irrespective of HOW the person was IN that job, and HOW they got there. This is the same sort of thinking that allows students to stay up late studying on copious amounts of coffee or other stimulating drugs if need be, just to get through exams, only to crash afterwards with exhaustion. How can this be a true way to prepare for adult working life?
Taking Responsibility and Showing My Kids Self-Love through Choice
As I decreased my reliance on the school to provide anything other than basic tools and skills for life, I consciously took responsibility to live a deeper quality at home by way of treating myself with love, care and respect. I showed by my own choices that my body was worthy of respect – I no longer chose to put things into it that were not honouring or supportive of my body.
As I began to feel the true effects of eating certain foods, I began removing them from my diet. I no longer have alcohol, caffeine, gluten and dairy or excess sugar, and I feel so much lighter and more vital.
I give my kids the opportunity to eat gluten and dairy free foods and see for themselves how those foods feel in their own bodies. They may not be wanting to commit to these dietary choices for themselves completely, but at least they know they have a choice.
I often have early nights and I encourage my children to feel if their bodies ask them to do the same. They don’t always choose this, but they are seeing me listening to my body.
I have been working on my inner stillness and calm: from this vantage point I can see and feel what’s going on for the kids more clearly than ever before.
I can see clearly and get a sense of:
- How they are when around certain friends; who they can be themselves with and which ones they change for and why, and I often share what I observe with them. It helps them see what’s going on too, and how it feels
- How being at school all day affects them. How they are after school and how to support them to let go of the day
- How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school
- When they need support due to any overwhelm they may be feeling.
I observe it all and am relying on my inner wisdom to know when to intervene and when to let them sort life out for themselves.
So, in answer to the question, “How are your kids going?” I answered:
- My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk
- They tell me more about how they really feel in situations and with other people, including relatives, teachers and friends
- They will often notice that they feel different things from people, and how some things that others say and do feel right, and some do not
- I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings.
I recognise a variety of behaviours that show me where they are at:
- If they become quite reactive when I say no to something, then I know we have some sorting to do
- When they take responsibility for what’s going on in their lives, I know they are really learning and growing
- When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it
- And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.
Parenting Kids – Without Perfection, and Letting Go…
All of my kids have their own paths to take and their own choices ahead, but I know that if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok. That is the way I now parent; to reflect those qualities to my kids as consistently as I can. I admit, there is no perfection, I make plenty of mistakes still, but that’s ok. I trust the process.
I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.
My colleague said she felt incredibly inspired after talking with me. I can see why. . . it’s amazing how simple and fun parenting my kids can now be.
Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Felicity, Australia
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
Carrot Soup for Two – a Breakfast Date With My 7 Year Old
What your blog shows us all Felicity is how much we are saturated and entrenched in the ideals and beliefs around education and how that is a must have foundation to a successful career and life. Without any thought of our bodies and what we have to do to achieve this so called success.
Parenting has very much to do with observation and the lived love that then we can share with children by reflection. All of this gives them the space to learn and grow being themselves, from a true basis of love.
What an amazing turn around, from a baby boomers perspective, where as a child we were to be seen and not heard, and thus were placed in a silence corner if we spoke out of turn. We were never ask how we felt about school, the pupils, or teachers, so opening up to sharing is a blessing that is seen in so many young children who are parented in a True way as you have shared Felicity.
“There was much to re-consider.” It is interesting that much of parenting is supporting children – and yourself – in what to let go of, instead of all the information to take on.
Gorgeous blog to read today trusting the process of parenting. I too when I feel a pang of holding onto my children I let it go. I have been like this since day one. I also got a sense immediately when I fell pregnant with each one of them that my kids were not for me, they were/are for everyone. I am not perfect and sometimes especially when one of my children is recognised in some way that I want to own my child but this feels extremely uncomfortable in my body that it is not long before I am connected back to myself; the stronger my connection becomes to self the easier it is to let go of this ill energy that dominates society raising our kids.
The power of education in parenting in the home prepares children for what they meet in the school system.
That question makes me realise how much we put on kids to conform to what we like and expect. A child “going well” should be joyful, vital, love life, be able to communicate what is true for them – it’s the basic life values that we need to be imparting, not the kind of “success” such as good grades, good school, good friends etc – there is something much more valuable we can impart to our kids.
How we are, our quality and how we live, and so what we are reflecting, has a big impact on everyone, ‘ but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.’
It is sad that so often when we are asked how our children are we tend to focus on what they are doing and not how they are with themselves. What is so inspiring about what you present is that if we support them to connect to their inner essence then what they are doing will flow from that inner knowing whereas if we put pressure on outside goals they are left without a compass to navigate the choppy waters of ‘being successful’ in life.
How we are and how we live makes a big impact on those around us, ‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’
Relying on formulas rather than feeling what works, what’s true and what’s not, keeps life controlled and very limited. Letting go of the control, of needing things to work out, of people to act how we want them to act, frees us up and allows us, and everyone around us, to grow. It also feels a much more expansive and limitless way to live, rather than the controlled and protected way of tried and tested formulas.
When we ditch the formulas we allow for expansion in ways that we could never have imagined.