I was out for dinner recently with work colleagues and was asked ”How are your kids going?” This was a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on where my kids were at, and what measure I was using to assess this. As parents we are so often asked about how our kids are doing – it’s a standard question when people interact – and if we have favourable responses, we can assure ourselves that all is well.
My Road Map into Parenting My Kids…
I know when I first began my road into parenting I was sure I knew what and how I wanted my kids to be. I had visions of top school reports, assuring me that my choices of private schools would pay off. If my kids then made it into university and into a stable career path that would also assure me that they were doing well. At some point, I imagined they would find a suitable partner and settle down.
Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.
Approximately seven years ago, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine came into my life and I began to re-evaluate all my notions of success in all areas of my life, and that included my kids. They had been my main focus as I was heavily entrenched in the role of being a mother at that time. I realised that I had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment. There was much to re-consider.
One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent. I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.
In the past I had a tendency to look to the school’s assessment of academic success as a major yardstick by which to judge if my kids were doing ok, even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment.
I also used to think that the most important thing was a high paying job, irrespective of HOW the person was IN that job, and HOW they got there. This is the same sort of thinking that allows students to stay up late studying on copious amounts of coffee or other stimulating drugs if need be, just to get through exams, only to crash afterwards with exhaustion. How can this be a true way to prepare for adult working life?
Taking Responsibility and Showing My Kids Self-Love through Choice
As I decreased my reliance on the school to provide anything other than basic tools and skills for life, I consciously took responsibility to live a deeper quality at home by way of treating myself with love, care and respect. I showed by my own choices that my body was worthy of respect – I no longer chose to put things into it that were not honouring or supportive of my body.
As I began to feel the true effects of eating certain foods, I began removing them from my diet. I no longer have alcohol, caffeine, gluten and dairy or excess sugar, and I feel so much lighter and more vital.
I give my kids the opportunity to eat gluten and dairy free foods and see for themselves how those foods feel in their own bodies. They may not be wanting to commit to these dietary choices for themselves completely, but at least they know they have a choice.
I often have early nights and I encourage my children to feel if their bodies ask them to do the same. They don’t always choose this, but they are seeing me listening to my body.
I have been working on my inner stillness and calm: from this vantage point I can see and feel what’s going on for the kids more clearly than ever before.
I can see clearly and get a sense of:
- How they are when around certain friends; who they can be themselves with and which ones they change for and why, and I often share what I observe with them. It helps them see what’s going on too, and how it feels
- How being at school all day affects them. How they are after school and how to support them to let go of the day
- How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school
- When they need support due to any overwhelm they may be feeling.
I observe it all and am relying on my inner wisdom to know when to intervene and when to let them sort life out for themselves.
So, in answer to the question, “How are your kids going?” I answered:
- My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk
- They tell me more about how they really feel in situations and with other people, including relatives, teachers and friends
- They will often notice that they feel different things from people, and how some things that others say and do feel right, and some do not
- I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings.
I recognise a variety of behaviours that show me where they are at:
- If they become quite reactive when I say no to something, then I know we have some sorting to do
- When they take responsibility for what’s going on in their lives, I know they are really learning and growing
- When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it
- And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.
Parenting Kids – Without Perfection, and Letting Go…
All of my kids have their own paths to take and their own choices ahead, but I know that if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok. That is the way I now parent; to reflect those qualities to my kids as consistently as I can. I admit, there is no perfection, I make plenty of mistakes still, but that’s ok. I trust the process.
I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.
My colleague said she felt incredibly inspired after talking with me. I can see why. . . it’s amazing how simple and fun parenting my kids can now be.
Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Felicity, Australia
Further Reading:
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
Carrot Soup for Two – a Breakfast Date With My 7 Year Old
555 Comments
Gorgeous blog to read today trusting the process of parenting. I too when I feel a pang of holding onto my children I let it go. I have been like this since day one. I also got a sense immediately when I fell pregnant with each one of them that my kids were not for me, they were/are for everyone. I am not perfect and sometimes especially when one of my children is recognised in some way that I want to own my child but this feels extremely uncomfortable in my body that it is not long before I am connected back to myself; the stronger my connection becomes to self the easier it is to let go of this ill energy that dominates society raising our kids.
The power of education in parenting in the home prepares children for what they meet in the school system.
That question makes me realise how much we put on kids to conform to what we like and expect. A child “going well” should be joyful, vital, love life, be able to communicate what is true for them – it’s the basic life values that we need to be imparting, not the kind of “success” such as good grades, good school, good friends etc – there is something much more valuable we can impart to our kids.
How we are, our quality and how we live, and so what we are reflecting, has a big impact on everyone, ‘ but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.’
I feel incredibly inspired by what you have shared with us on the art of parenting. You have taking us to the very foundation of true parenting which is simply as parents to live lovingly and honouring of ourselves first, and then to be with and parent our children from this quality.
It is sad that so often when we are asked how our children are we tend to focus on what they are doing and not how they are with themselves. What is so inspiring about what you present is that if we support them to connect to their inner essence then what they are doing will flow from that inner knowing whereas if we put pressure on outside goals they are left without a compass to navigate the choppy waters of ‘being successful’ in life.
How we are and how we live makes a big impact on those around us, ‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’
Relying on formulas rather than feeling what works, what’s true and what’s not, keeps life controlled and very limited. Letting go of the control, of needing things to work out, of people to act how we want them to act, frees us up and allows us, and everyone around us, to grow. It also feels a much more expansive and limitless way to live, rather than the controlled and protected way of tried and tested formulas.
When we ditch the formulas we allow for expansion in ways that we could never have imagined.
There is a tick-box for what we consider success in parenting and a sense that their outputs reflect how well we have ticked those boxes…what a horror! That completely abdicates each and every person’s responsibility for what they choose!
Do we accept the roller coaster of life or do we seek more- are we just putting our kids into a cycle of what has been done before or are we equipping them to live lives with purpose, love and connection.
I love everything you share in this blog this especially resonates – One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent.”
Fantastic awareness you bring in here Felicity – schools are already under so much pressure to perform from external auditors lets not add to this as parents who want to pass responsibility.
I love how you replied to the question – it is such a simple question yet how we answer it can have such a ripple effect. I know it is much easier to give the ‘fine’ answer or to list all they are doing, but to offer what you offered shows the level of connection we all wanted as children and can offer each other now, regardless of age.
Reflecting back on how I parented now I can see there are so many things I would change, so many things I wish I had known, but the biggest one is how to connect with my kids and the only way to do that was to connect with myself first. That is the point of difference in our family from when I just had kids to when I truly ‘got’ them for the amazing, divine, souls they are and stopped thinking I was responsible for how they turned out!
” even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment. ”
This is very important to recognise, as we are all sold the illusion that high school results lead to a ” successful ” life.
I have found that when I have let go of controlling my daughter to be a certain way and ‘perform’ up to some expectations I had for her at school and at home, it allows her to simply be herself and open up and connect with me more. It is so imposing on children to react to when they are not taking responsibility or make a mistake because you might feel that reflects poorly on you as a parent. This blog inspires me to approach parenting in a different way.
Imagine what parenting would be like if all sugars and sweet things were banned from schools!
It is so important to have a measure of how our kids are doing that is not based on achievements or temporal success but is rooted in how they are in themselves, their inner wellbeing and their sense of themselves – are they honouring and loving, are they responsible and respectful, confident and developing self-worth? Are they expressing their truth? These things will hold them steady in their life more than anything else.
What a delightful parent you must be Felicity. To hear about your kids and how they’re doing is really hearing how you’re doing. Like any family or group you are only as good as each other.
It’s great to expose all of the pictures that can come in of how we expect things to be and then seeing the imposition that this places on others and the reaction that can then come from this.
True success is none of the things we have been told to believe it is, rather it is a measure of how much we are able to be who we really are rather than what the mould is trying to make us be.
It’s amazing the amount of effort parents put into making choices for their kids, not realising this is taking their power away. Just about every one remembers the school that they have gone to , and it’s never because of the education quality of the school, it’s always because of the teachers , good or bad in how they treated the student.
The homes we grow up in and the quality of relationships we have with our family and friends can undeniably shape the potential we commit to living as adults – thus we can never leave the growing up of our children merely to the school system.
This is a confirming piece about the fact that there is no picture perfect family, just people living together and making choices.
The role of a parent is to be a role model of living with loving relationships with yourself and all those around you.
Yes that is the problem of our society that bases things going well on how successful we are in our work, study and family (like if we have a partner and or kids, are married etc). It says when you tick all the boxes you are ok, but this is not the case and our statistics are telling it so as academics do commit suicide etc. So it is important to make life about people again, how we feel, how we think about ourselves and the world and if we are loving our life because we love ourselves.
Felicity, this is very beautiful to read, ‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first’. Letting go is something that I am working on; to allow my son to make his own choices, empowering him and letting go of the control feels much more loving and much less exhausting.
wow – what a massive shift from controlling to allowing – this is just magic to read and presents your children with a choice not a rule. Wow that is so powerful in parenting – but what is just as huge is that you are a reflection to them – you walk the talk – and that says a lot to kids who observe everything.
Beautiful HM, this really nails it. Controlling has never worked and is not going to start working now. Seeing our kids as equal to us in every way in the way forward, appreciating that they are really adults in a small but rapidly growing body, helps us to see that they are equal to us in every way. Treat them like this and miracles will happen.
We have set ourselves up as a society that assesses success through what we do, our children included. What you have share here exposes our investment in how ‘well’ or ‘successful’ a child is achieving in life, so that we feel successful, recognition or a sense of achievement as parents. What an unhealthy imposition we are placing on our children. When in fact this degree of success does not reflect how steady or confident they are within themselves, the quality of love they live with, how freely do they feel to be and express who they are, or the quality of connection to themselves and life they live. You offer a powerful reflection of how we can best honor our children’s development to know who they are so they can be confident to be themselves, and be guided by their own inner-wisdom to live a life of true fulfillment regardless of what it is they do.
When asked how our kids are going we can respond on auto-pilot in the same way we do when asked “how are you?”. I love the question as I take a moment to stop and ponder on how my son really is. It lets me see how connected I am to him and if I have been aware of him and what he’s going through. I used to want to prove I was a good parent so when asked how he was I could rattle off all that he was doing well or cute things about him. These days it’s far more important that I’m honest about where he is at and how he is.
I often think of this blog when someone asked me how my sons are going. Reading it again today has renewed my sense of what is important and what is not. This makes so much sense to why I get upset when this happens, “And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.” But I love how you just bring it back to what matters.
An article that brings strength and purpose to parenting. As the true job it is. Children don’t bring themselves up. Their parents, grandparents, relatives and friends are there to support and guide them. The saying “do as I say, not as I do”, can no longer be the way of our homes. Instead, as Felicity has shared here, the best guidance one can offer is to live what we know and feel supports ourselves, this in turn supports our children, for it gives them a choice in life style that is not about indulgence and need, but about vitality and purpose.
I am so inspired by this sharing Felicity, it just blows any parenting manual/books/idealogies out of the park, I particularly love this line “if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok.” and that the reality is we can only teach our children through our own choices to be deeply loving and caring of ourselves and honouring our precious selves. Awesome!
It’s not about what we do when we are parenting it is about the way we live and how this is reflected to our children. it’s no wonder that your colleague found you inspiring as it is a fantastic blueprint for how we can support children in the increasingly stressful times in which we are currently living.
It is such an eye opener isn’t it?! I have found the most honest and brutal reflections have come from my children. Often they are things I have not wanted to see or admit yet when I do, they often offer the most growth. Worrying about our kids is a classic. Your comment here gives us the key “When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it” Same applies to us – time to walk as a role model sharing the most incredible life skill.
Thank you Felicity I loved the wisdom you shared about parenting, how it begins with you and your degree of self love first, I am impressed by the freedom and understanding you give to your children which holds them responsible for making their own decisions, this is so different to how I parented some fifty years ago, the way back then was all about controls and obedience, seen, but not heard, your children are truly blessed by what you bring to them.
Although private school has a certain ‘glamour’ or shine buffed into its appearance, you can actually LEARN a lot more from studying and being with other kids from every household and background, and from experience if you commit yourself to learning what needs to be learnt then there is no academic benefit from attending a school where things are handed to you on a plate and taking responsibility is discouraged.
Such an important sharing on parenting Felicity. Thank you.
I love how you offer your kids a choice – like in the food – you are not telling them what to eat – you are simply giving them a choice and asking them how they feel. Wow what an amazing way to parent – so allowing of the space and what actually is being communicated.
Re-imprinting what we consider to be successful in life- to that being our ability to enjoy loving relationships with ourselves and others is of paramount importance, for only then we will expose the lie that we live in, where we torture and abuse our bodies and others for what we think is going to be good for us.