Whilst at a friend’s house recently for dinner, we decided to relax for a while on the couch before eating, to catch up and talk about how life had been for us since we last spent time together. My friend suggested we make ourselves comfortable on the couch while dinner was cooking, and as we were both feeling a bit tired from a long day and a busy week we decided to lie down, one lying each end with our legs sort of entwined and up over the back of the couch. Both being tactile people, we are not averse to physical contact, which is good considering the position of our legs resting on top of each other’s.
As we lay talking (which was for quite some time), we each enquired to the comfort of the other’s legs and shifted to make ourselves more comfortable, or shifted to ease any pressure on the other. At one point whilst we were re-arranging ourselves, I remarked to my friend how different it was now to care for myself compared to when I was a younger woman and had been lying with a man and rather than disturb him, for fear he would take the opportunity to move away completely, I would lie with my arm underneath him ignoring the numbness, stiffness and encroaching pain in my arm so that I could immerse myself in him and the feeling of being wanted for a bit longer. Not wanting to lose him or the feeling of being wanted was stronger than any consideration of my body.
Expressing this to my friend, we laughed because this was her experience too. She expressed the same feelings and emotions, and we laughed again at the ridiculousness of it whilst being astounded at the total lack of care for ourselves. This was huge as we both came to the same conclusion that back then we felt we would “rather lose my arm than lose my man.”
I’d rather lose my arm than my man!
Seems a bit drastic doesn’t it? And I’d bet most of us would say that’s ridiculous, that’s not what I would choose… but how many of us have lain with a boyfriend/husband/lover’s head or torso on our arm and remained in that position regardless of the numbness and stiffness slowly overtaking our limb, ignoring the pain because of the fear that if we ask the chosen one to move he may move away completely, and we desperately want to hold on – not only to the man but to the feeling of being loved and wanted for as long as we can. So, we manage to put up with the discomfort, pins and needles, numbness and pain we are by now feeling in our arm… the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.
As the evening progressed, my friend and I continued to discuss this and wondered whether men had the same experience – of putting up with physical discomfort in the same way in order to extend the feeling of being wanted and loved: being women, we couldn’t be sure but as we were able to think of the many ways in which we remembered overriding our bodies’ needs, to the point of abuse, we knew that we were all in the same boat when it came to disregarding our bodies. Perhaps some of the ways were different for men, but abuse and disregard would be there in their lives nevertheless.
What was once abuse is long gone, but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. As we discussed this, we both agreed it can be easy to believe that we no longer abuse our bodies because we are not so obviously disregarding ourselves as we once did. The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body – requiring honesty on our part to recognise and then work with these subtler aspects. We agreed there is a need to bring an even greater sense of tenderness and care to ourselves until we have built into our livingness an even greater and more delicate way of being.
Published with permission of my friend.
By Rosemary Liebe, NSW
Further Reading:
Discovering self-care and bringing it into my life
Self Care
The rejection game – how to overcome the fear of rejection
142 Comments
If we’re not living the truth of who we are then we’re living a life of compromise.
‘I’d Rather Lose my Arm than my Man’ – your loss. I’m keeping my arm, I find it quite handy.
When we compromise ourselves in any way we are not bringing all of ourselves to the relationship and allowing a reflection that is not true.
The things we do for ‘love’ including putting our body into really uncomfortable positions to the point where arms start feeling numb!!!! Just wondering what are we afraid of? That if we love ourselves without compromise another will not love us. Or why are we afraid to say how we feel like ‘my arms really uncomfortable can we move positions?’ I love that this blog has started this discussion.
Many people, including myself, were taught from a young age to be nice, to put others before ourselves, with the hope others would then be nice back to us. The theme of not feeling good enough make us grateful when we are in a position of intimacy where we don’t want to rock the boat despite discomfort, instead of learning to speak up and honour ourselves that we are all equal.
I’m keeping my arm – not selling it for a 5 minuet buzz.
We are naturally very caring. We want to support others. Where I fall down is not applying this same care and support to myself and therefore not being the full strength and care I can be, out and about in the world.
I can definately relate to putting up with pins & needles or numb limbs in my body, in order to feel more loved, be accepted or needed in the past. It’s crazy how I used to put up with this from my partner. It is indeed very unloving and selfabusive and thankfully I no longer override it today.
Whenever we ‘put up with something’ from another they, in turn have to put up with something from us. Ultimately what each person is putting up with is the reflection of who we are not.
I have a feeling that the pain in my arm is a result of having lost it yesterday in the way described here. In the past yes it would have hurt but I never recall the pain being in my awareness like it is this morning. The more I care for myself the greater my awareness of how my choices impact my body. Sometimes we slip back into old habits only to be reminded even louder why we stopped them in the first place!
This is such an interesting article and makes me realise how much we compromise ourselves to please others, rather than expressing what is true for us and putting ourselves first.
This could be a hard one to grasp ‘but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves’ and one might say how can I be disregarding wanting to be loved, surely it is better than not wanting to be loved! However, in looking outside of ourselves first for love we are missing the absolute pot of gold we innately hold within. It’s like a bright shining star looking out to the universe for another bright shining star without at first acknowledging, appreciating and loving its own brightness and holding this in full.
I know this pattern so well, having lived it most of my life and also witnessing it in others – compromising in one area in order be in a better position to manipulate and control in another area. And sometimes we are even totally ignoring and disregarding an aspect of life as a result – just like the examples in this blog. I find it useful to admit that manipulation and control is at the heart of the behaviour, and there is a payback sought through an expected response.
When we live in an emptiness any form of affection from another is cherished and desired. So, if it means our arms go numb – so be it… if it means that our partner is cheating on us… so be it? If we get abused in any way, physical or mental, but then a few hours later an apology with a dozen roses is knocking on our door … how likely are we to accept, forgive and forget? When we live with a lack of respect for ourselves, we accept anything that feels a bit better than that, so if we are in constant self-abuse, what difference does it make when another person is abusing us?
It is crazy how willing we can be to contort ourselves for another but also how self abusive we can be when we ignore what our body is communicating to us in so many situations. Having been ill for a while I was pushing my body to be back at work full-time when it was clearly showing me that it was not ready but it was not until I had a clear stop moment that I accepted that I still needed to rest more to allow my body to recuperate.
The more loving I ensure my relationship with myself is, the more loving with others can be too.
A great read Rosemary – I’d rather loose any friend rather than put my body through that kind of abuse.
The whole situation of being willing to suffer discomfort and even injury to “make sure” another loves us and let them know we love them, exposes how our human idea or even ideal of love is far from the truth of what Love truly is. True intimacy is not achieved in that way as there is no honesty or transparency or willingness to be vulnerable or let something go. To love is to bring a whole person to the situation not half a person who needs something so desperately from the other that they will abuse themselves. A great learning for us all.
Holding onto unnecessarily to anything, be it, another person, an old behaviour, a comfort, or a food we know doesn’t support us but we love to eat, is so damaging to us in one way or another. So, I wonder why we do it? Maybe it’s simply because of the fear of what life would be like without what we are holding onto? Well, the only way to find out is having the trust to let go of the hold and allow what’s next to unfold, without any pictures whatsoever.
This begs the question, why on earth would we do this? It’s definitely not self loving or self caring to spend a second or more avoiding a discomfort the body is giving us. The body gives loud and clear messages, for us to listen to.
Intimacy at the price of selling yourself out is not intimacy – it’s self abuse.
It’s interesting that we can supposedly be in a loving situation such as this and yet be in disregard to our own body – it undermines the quality of the moment despite what we try to hold onto.
Yes. I agree. And the simplicity of this makes total sense.
There is a multitude of things that we put up with in order not to disrupt another person at the expense of ourselves. But we rarely stop to ask ourselves if the other person would want us to be in discomfort. It’s crazy when you think about it.
The title is a shocker – it’s like giving away ourselves for a moment of emptiness.
We had a brilliant conversation at supper last night about the madness of reducing and compromising ourselves for relationships. If I disregard myself or make myself less to fit into a relationship then in truth that is not a relationship. The fuller we fly the more true relationships we can have; being with others honestly, transparently and gloriously ourselves.
I think so many of us can relate to reducing ourselves for the sake of a relationship and the ridiculousness is, if both are doing this just exactly that, what is the quality of that relationship?
A great reminder Matilda. The feeling of having acted in a way to make ourselves fit in a supposed relationship is not pleasant once it is exposed compared to the amazing feeling of a relationship which encourages and supports this in it to not only be themselves in full but to continue to evolve and expand.
I am becoming more aware of the impact it has on others when I disregard myself. We never support others when we dishonour and abuse ourselves no matter the justifications we can come up with.
Our needs can outweigh all good common sense. By looking at our needs and clearing them making great choices becomes easier.
What is so lovely is that the more I love my body the easier it is to cherish both me and my partner when cuddling up, so that neither of us have to compromise our bodies. Just like you and your friend on the couch, there definitely is a way to love each with tenderness that deepens our connection and intimacy and respects one another’s limbs.
Cute. Being in a relationship that ‘respects one another’s limbs’ – this is a great standard to have.
I shudder to think about how I went out with a couple of men who really didn’t like women. I was so dishonouring of myself that was better than being single.
It is interesting to observe where there are holes in our relationships with ourselves through observing our choices within relationships. As I have become more claimed I have become more aware of where I have compromised myself that I hadn’t noticed before, what I have accepted that now I would not.
We have to ask – what is on offer for us here? To carry on with our demands and wants or, to live in a way that offers a reflection of who were really are – and what we can learn here by doing so.
Our needs can outweigh all good common sense. By looking at our needs and clearing them making great choices becomes easier.
I love the intimacy of your relationship with your friend. I too have that same intimacy and love with a friend. And I can so relate to what you have shared regarding the body becoming numb or getting pins and needles because you do not want to move it away from a partner. For me it would be more because I felt if I did this they would feel rejected but whatever way we look at it I agree it is completely crazy that we override our bodies for all various different reasons we have from feeling wanted to not wanting to seem like rejecting another.