Whilst at a friend’s house recently for dinner, we decided to relax for a while on the couch before eating, to catch up and talk about how life had been for us since we last spent time together. My friend suggested we make ourselves comfortable on the couch while dinner was cooking, and as we were both feeling a bit tired from a long day and a busy week we decided to lie down, one lying each end with our legs sort of entwined and up over the back of the couch. Both being tactile people, we are not averse to physical contact, which is good considering the position of our legs resting on top of each other’s.
As we lay talking (which was for quite some time), we each enquired to the comfort of the other’s legs and shifted to make ourselves more comfortable, or shifted to ease any pressure on the other. At one point whilst we were re-arranging ourselves, I remarked to my friend how different it was now to care for myself compared to when I was a younger woman and had been lying with a man and rather than disturb him, for fear he would take the opportunity to move away completely, I would lie with my arm underneath him ignoring the numbness, stiffness and encroaching pain in my arm so that I could immerse myself in him and the feeling of being wanted for a bit longer. Not wanting to lose him or the feeling of being wanted was stronger than any consideration of my body.
Expressing this to my friend, we laughed because this was her experience too. She expressed the same feelings and emotions, and we laughed again at the ridiculousness of it whilst being astounded at the total lack of care for ourselves. This was huge as we both came to the same conclusion that back then we felt we would “rather lose my arm than lose my man.”
I’d rather lose my arm than my man!
Seems a bit drastic doesn’t it? And I’d bet most of us would say that’s ridiculous, that’s not what I would choose… but how many of us have lain with a boyfriend/husband/lover’s head or torso on our arm and remained in that position regardless of the numbness and stiffness slowly overtaking our limb, ignoring the pain because of the fear that if we ask the chosen one to move he may move away completely, and we desperately want to hold on – not only to the man but to the feeling of being loved and wanted for as long as we can. So, we manage to put up with the discomfort, pins and needles, numbness and pain we are by now feeling in our arm… the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.
As the evening progressed, my friend and I continued to discuss this and wondered whether men had the same experience – of putting up with physical discomfort in the same way in order to extend the feeling of being wanted and loved: being women, we couldn’t be sure but as we were able to think of the many ways in which we remembered overriding our bodies’ needs, to the point of abuse, we knew that we were all in the same boat when it came to disregarding our bodies. Perhaps some of the ways were different for men, but abuse and disregard would be there in their lives nevertheless.
What was once abuse is long gone, but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. As we discussed this, we both agreed it can be easy to believe that we no longer abuse our bodies because we are not so obviously disregarding ourselves as we once did. The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body – requiring honesty on our part to recognise and then work with these subtler aspects. We agreed there is a need to bring an even greater sense of tenderness and care to ourselves until we have built into our livingness an even greater and more delicate way of being.
Published with permission of my friend.
By Rosemary Liebe, NSW
Further Reading:
Discovering self-care and bringing it into my life
Self Care
The rejection game – how to overcome the fear of rejection
176 Comments
When we compromise ourselves in order to keep that man we open ourselves up to be taken advantage of. Nobody can take advantage of us if we do not allow them to do that.
In an era before cable TV and mobile phones, dates were seeing a movie in the cinema. The challenge of putting your arm around your date, during the film and once it was there you would have to fight off the pins and needles, numbness from not wanting to be too heavy was like isometric exercises… all to keep that connection.
Putting up with pain and discomfort in the belief that this will keep a partner closer is actually putting a pain barrier between you.
I can really relate with this and not just getting my arm crushed so not to disturb a partner but how in my life I have compromised myself so another feels good … and I do not feel so great! However I am starting to do this a lot less now which is something I can appreciate ❤️
There was a time, I also made a lot of compromises in this regard just to please my partner. I’m very grateful that today I’m very aware of what my body likes and doesn’t like at any moment in time, in no perfection, but I’m getting better and better.
“The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body –” Our main issue as as a society is that we bludgeon our body so not to hear the inner delicate wisdom forever in our grace.
I agree with your comment anonymous that the more we deepen our love for ourselves the more abuse is exposed. We obliterate our bodies so that we cannot connect to that inner wisdom that we all know and carry with us. I wonder why we do this when its the love that we want the most more than anything.
‘…but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. ‘ This line is gold. I have often looked outside myself for love and validation of who I am and felt hurt when it wasn’t forthcoming. But what is really going on is I know exactly how I’d like to be treated but am not treating myself in this way.
Rather I’m giving away my power in the hope someone will mind read what I need but when they don’t I’m hurt or irritated. How wonderful to admit this is about how I’m treating myself as I have the power to change this.
To not compromise the love we are, to hold that love as an absolute, that is when we can love ourselves more than what the world has to offer, including the pictures of what a relationship has to offer. I would not loose my arm for a picture.
This morning in an esoteric yoga session I experienced a depth of love and self-care for myself that was so sublime and so all encompassing that it became very apparent that no other person would ever be able to make me feel the way that I can.
I am not sure that many would lose an arm rather than their partner. Yes we’d abuse our arm and we would think that we will get away with doing so, but if asked which are you going to lose, your arm or your partner, I am not convinced that many would choose the arm.
It’s interesting though how much self abuse/abuse we will tolerate when there is an emptiness we want another to fill.. the fact this is so common says a lot about where we are as a society and how far we have yet to go.
When we compromise any part of our body, we compromise ourselves to the core. There is a connection waiting to be felt of the body’s needs put in the fore front to honour ourselves before considering other options .
When we compromise ourselves in this way we normalise self neglect/abuse. What we reflect is then taken on by the next generation, who learn from observing that this is the rule, not the exception.
This is so true Gill so looking at not how we compromise our body or self regarding another but how we compromise our body/self because we do not deeply care for ourselves in the first place. Which can easily be changed through choice ✨
I’d rather loose the man, I’m quite fond of my arm, it comes in handy a great deal.
I find it a deeply loving example when someone honours themselves to the nth degree and also shows the same level of honouring to all others. This offers an opportunity for us all to experience how amazing this feels and see how possible it is to live this way.
It feels so crazy that we would compromise ourselves for our own physical comfort, but I certainly have done so in the past, for example, sometimes sat on a plane, squished in a corner while the other person took up three quarters of the area. It is so important we learn to claim our space wherever we are.
How many accommodating ways do we live in life rather than living and walking our truth for all to see, because shying away from our essences has been a life-time pursuit that needs to be exposed for the energetic lies that way of living is.
When we don’t compromise on the love we hold ourselves in then we are able to offer so much more love to our partners, friends, family etc
Yet, compromise is one of the main currencies of life… is it no wonder our standards drop and life ends up in the mess that it is in?