Recently I have been reflecting on my relationship with my husband and how far we have travelled together as a couple. There have been awesome times as there have been challenging times, and then there have been those times where we have been at a crossroads, contemplating whether to stay together or not.
One of these crossroads happened well before we got married, when we had been together for quite a few years already, and one could say we got to the crossroad of infidelity.
Before I share this with you, let’s get some definitions out of the way. I suppose there are varying definitions of infidelity (what different people perceive as being unfaithful) and we could say varying degrees of it.
There is the blatantly obvious one of ‘sleeping with another’, then there is oral sex with another, which some don’t classify as having being unfaithful because they have not ‘gone all the way’. Then there are the unfaithful thoughts that we might entertain about another, or the fantasies we might have of another, whilst in the throes of passionate sex with our current partner.
What these have in common is the feeling of a hook, of excitement being offered and of being pulled away from what we have.
My Experience of Attraction vs Connection
I can say that I have experienced this hook during my current relationship. About 4 years into my relationship I met another man whom I was very much attracted to. I could not explain this attraction – I could somewhat rationalise it as he was attractive/good looking, but I could not understand it. It was sudden and almost obsessive and I felt myself going almost stir-crazy trying to not think about this person and I began questioning whether I should be with him or my partner.
It felt like there was so much turmoil in me: I knew that my relationship with my partner was not perfect, but also knew and appreciated the solidness that we held together – I could feel that what we brought to each other was special. This was what confused me – if we were so solid together, why then was I suddenly attracted to this other man?
The tension in me grew to a point where I had to do something about the situation – I was not willing to give up on what I shared with my partner and yet I could not get this other man ‘out of my head’.
I knew deep within me that there was only one thing for me to do to free myself from this obsession and it scared me to do it. But I did it anyway – I bared myself to my partner and told him everything, knowing full well that this could potentially end our relationship, or at best, would rock the boat tremendously. Deep within, I knew without a doubt that I had to do this – I knew this was the only chance I had of holding onto myself and possibly saving my relationship with my partner.
It is important to understand that although I was not unfaithful in the classic sense (as I did nothing other than have a normal conversation with this other man), to me this was still infidelity, as it was entertaining thoughts of another, of allowing myself to be pulled towards another in the way that I was.
I felt the hook and allowed myself to be pulled by it, only for a fraction, but enough to feel how much it took me away from myself, as well as my partner. I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.
Understandably, my partner was deeply hurt by my sharing and I got to feel how much this distraction that I had entertained with another for a week could breach and slice into the trust that we had built up with each other.
I was devastated to feel that this could be the end of our relationship because of how much hurt this brought up for us both, but I also knew once again that this was simply what was needed for me to break the ‘spell’ that I had been under.
In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.
Though I was horrified by how much I had hurt my partner, I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty. It was like I was free – free of the obsessive thoughts and free of the pull and the addictive attraction, free to make a choice between the two men and now this choice was so easy – there was no doubt in any cell of my body that I was already with an amazing man – I already had my pot of Gold.
In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.
After this I was still left to feel my own hurt, a feeling of having been fooled into such distraction, and also left to feel how hurt my partner was because of this addictive distraction that I had fallen for. But I was free and I knew the Gold I held now was no fool’s gold. My partner chose to stay with me and not long after this I asked him to marry me, and our relationship has continued to deepen endlessly.
I am sharing this experience not because I feel that others should do as I did, but simply because I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship; to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Henrietta Chang, Naturopath BaBiol, MApplSci, BaNat
Further Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love Or Have Sex?’
Starting a new relationship – the pictures we hold
565 Comments
It’s great to define infidelity as not an act but the feeling of being hooked by the excitement of attraction with another partner. It is not really about the relationship, it’s the desire we fall for, to have something new, a ‘grass is greener over the other side’ attitude. Relationships are not the happy ever after that we are sold in childhood, and it’s easy to seek something new when this becomes apparent. But to keep growing a relationship is a beautiful thing to observe and be part of.
What you have shared with us is an example of intimacy in relationship. We don’t need to be in a relationship with you (although clearly we are by reading your blog!!) but you have given us an opportunity to consider deeply what you have shared and the transparency an intimate relationship calls for. If we have secrets and things we keep to ourselves then we are open to being ‘sucked in’ to this attraction and obsession type relationship out of need. What you have shared here is laying yourself open, and for us to learn or at least have on our plate of consideration what you have experienced.
I wonder how there can be so many different interpretations of what infidelity is.
What an awesome power honesty and intimacy can bring in the healing that is provided when we share honestly, no matter what, with ourselves and each other, it is truly amazing grace.
The sad fact is that infidelity that we see on Movies are often made to look exciting , glamorous and the be all and end all Yet the truth is infidelity is often devastating to all involved.
‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’ Reading this is helping me see how I put up barriers to intimacy that make me feel lonely. I have wonderful people in my life and I keep them out, this can be subtle at times but is also obvious in practical ways of not ringing people and being open. My fear of rejection isn’t a reality but even if it became one, it cannot be worse than my self-enforced exile because the exile includes being exiled from the loveliness that I am.
The lack of clarity, confusion and general negativity we bring to ourselves and others by looking the other way is never ever worth it.
Keeping expression open and honest in our relationships will always help stop this type of behaviour.
This is a very brave and honest sharing Henrietta, and it shows how we’re always offered that possibility to go deeper and what do we do when we are … do we find a distraction or embrace what is offered where we are, even when it might be uncomfortable and often exposing; and no matter what we are always offered that choice.
It is great to talk about infidelity in this way and how it can be as subtle as having thoughts about someone else. We tend to see it as only the extreme when in fact, the physical outcome only happens as a result of first considering it.
Commitment, being true, letting someone in and being super transparent and honest is worth its weight in Gold. To say no to love of this calibre and to fall for something else is always to ones detriment.
I love reading blogs where people are absolutely honest about their life as it breaks down any illusion that people are different when in fact we are all the same.
Very beautiful Henrietta. It is often seen as normal to still ‘like to look at other men’ or to fantasise and that nothing is wrong with that but there is a lot that is not true about that. Also I hear sometimes people say that they already had the relationship with the next one whilst they were still with the partner of that moment. And that this ‘just happens’ and we can’t do anything about it, but this is not true. It is only when we have given our all to a relationship and you feel together that it is not evolving anymore for you both to be in the relationship and choose to end the relationship that you can explore other relationships. There is nothing wrong with not being alone for a long time but I don’t feel there is truth in ‘that other person is better than the one I am with now so I end the relationship’. Not to say you should not leave an abusive relationship.
When we hold back it opens up a gap into which all sorts of junk can pour. Pretty soon we start acting and doing things that make no sense thinking it’s us who are doing it all. But it’s not. The way forward as you show Henrietta is to share what we are feeling no matter how small. Otherwise the highway of Love gets blockaded up.
Powerful Henriette, an experience we can all deeply learn from. What I understand from your blog is that being transparent and honest is actually the thing that grows us personally and as couples, or with one another.
I found this line really interesting and key- ‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely’. It really made me ponder how we create our own loneliness by how much we allow others in.
Staying faithful to one another, sharing your truth, expressing everything no holds barred is one of the most beautiful things we can do with another. The depth of love on offer when we say yes to each other in full is tremendous and this opportunity for great evolution is open to us all.
Beautiful confirmation that honesty with yourself and with your partner offered you both the opportunity to deepen the foundations of your relationship.
“one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” This is a very key part of relationships. We like the feeling of new and exciting, it gives us a dopamine hit an adrenaline rush that is highly addictive. Working on a relationship takes effort and asks us to stay, be steady, deal with our past hurts. It takes a commitment to love to know which direction is the right direction for you.
Deeply honest Henrietta, and what stands out is that any hook which takes us away from the relationship we are in and with, is a way to avoid deepening and feeling what we truly have in front of us. It is a clever but often endless game of hopping from one to the next without truly feeling and appreciating us and what we already have. It takes courage to be honest about this, and that honesty is the basis of intimacy in our relationships.
Could infidelity be an indication of an absence of love? This may be obvious but if infidelity is an issue, I would look at love first.
When I think back to the movies I have watched and the TV dramas that get podcast infidelity is often sold as something glamorous, risky and sexy yet this could not be further from the truth. Why would we not want to be honest in a relationship? Honesty is the building block for the magic of real love.
I am all for being open to sharing my all strengths, weaknesses, hurts, amazingness, and deep fond love to not only my partner but to all whom I’m with. Importantly, if you can master it with another partner or friend that will be available for all. It’s very rewarding to be intimate.
There is so much for us to always learn and understand, I love that you chose to be transparent with your partner so allowing the intimacy to deepen, ‘I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.’
For many, cheating is deeply hurtful and often feared, because intrinsically we know it is not true love and showing that there is something going wrong in the relationship to allow for the possibility of being tempted. We need to be constantly open to deepening our relationships, to being honest about any issues and working through them.
There is infidelity and there is jealousy. Jealousy can give the impression of infidelity even when it is not there or create it when it doesn’t exist.
I have also found in the past if I have felt an attraction to someone else, other than my partner that there was someone for me that I was not wanting to feel. There was a thought that the ‘grass would be greener on the other side’, but what I have found if we tend to our grass regularly and lovingly we don;t even consider what the ‘other side’ of the grass may look like.
It is a gorgeous level of honesty you brought to the relationship by telling your partner what was going on. And that is intimacy in itself. Simply opening up and being raw and honest. It seems like that was exactly what was needed in order for you to deepen your current relationship.
Thank you Henrietta, it may be that we reach a familiar comfort point in relationships where we will go so far with deepening that connection. When that point starts to feel restrictive we can either see it as a signal to initiate a way to advance to the next level together, or we can instead look for another partner to escape the tension. It’s great that you busted through the comfort and went to the next level.
Yes and it is so easy to think the answer is to end a relationship. It may well be but I wonder how many relationships stop before they have gone to a level of deep connection to see if the relationship has completed. What I know now is that I would not like to leave a relationship till it is clear that I have committed in full and given it my all. Anything less doesn’t give the partner or the relationship the Love, Space and Opportunity they deserve (capitals letters meant!!!).
It is great that you share this experience of what many go through and may keep to themselves. To learn to open up and be super honest and raw and by doing this allowing everything to come up and be exposed, looked at and let go of so that you can build a more true relationship.
The grass is always greener on the other side. It has been and still sometimes is a hook that gets played out by my mind to escape the actual deepening of intimacy in my recent relationship. It is not very flattering to admit that, but the honesty in speaking about it, gives it a chance to let go. Keeping thoughts and desires hidden and accepted as normal, would never expose them.
When I read the list of infidelities, although the action seems different, I agree that they all share the hook and lure of something more tantalising. Although this may feel real at the time, we all know it can’t last and we will soon be looking for the next hook and excitement. Treasuring and building on the relationships we already have may seem boring but there is so much more we can explore in any relationship.
In my experience one of the worst thing you can do in life is hide the truth. Apart from anything else it simply doesn’t work. As everyone can feel everything, all it does is build distrust. And from this divide connection dies. Then we look around and wonder why our Love isn’t great. The truth is as you beautifully show Henrietta that we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel.
Well said Joseph ” we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel ” and the world is a lesser place as a result.
I like how you determine infidelity as thoughts, to me to think about another person in that way has always been infidelity but no one’s ever agreed with me!! I also love how you prove that honesty is the only way forward, and that part of being in a relationship is being absolutely honest – no matter how difficult the conversation.
We cannot share intimacy with one another if there is not first honesty – honesty with ourselves and how we feel and honesty with each other. Honesty is an element of the foundations for true relationships, be it intimate, work related, friends or family – each deserve to share with us our transparent selves.
Yes, and that transparency is a building block for the intimacy we know is what we all want! We run from it but we want it…slightly illogical human behaviour…
To already have a pot of gold but get distracted and attracted to the fools gold on offer can lead too many of us to constantly seeking the end of the rainbow.
It is actually showing a mistrust in you and in effect of heaven, that you are with your partner is not right, or a mistake, that there is something better out there. Honouring the constellation that is offered can bring you everything you need for your evolution in this life, when heavenly constellated. No one can present or give you something better or make it easier, as everything is already supplied and amazingly on offer for you.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing this experience so openly and honestly, it is very beautiful to read how you bared yourself to your partner and how this brought intimacy and let the protection come down. I can feel how sometimes we don’t realise we are not letting our partners and husbands in, that we can hold a protection and hurt and keep them at a distance, it is very lovely to read how you no longer do this and that you appreciate the ‘pot of gold’ you already have.
Attraction is a distraction whether we are in a relationship or not, the key is to see why we want to be distracted. Attraction offers an excitement and it comes loaded with pictures that stop us feeling whether what we are entering into is true or not. Your honesty and willingness to go there Henrietta is what broke the attraction and shows the power of expressing the truth even though it could have been the end of your relationship. “In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.”
Do we appreciate what we have and just coast – or do we want to delve deeper? I notice in myself – and observe in others – of allowing a relationship (friend or intimate partner) that if we start to get too close one of us begins to pull away. If we don’ t become aware and express this we can lose a great potential relationship.
Thank you Henriette, for presenting the opportunity for us to appreciate just how great our opportunity is to learn, grow and deepen our connection to love and truth through our relationships. I have been discovering how our willingness to understand the purpose of our relationship allows us to observe the moments when we are asked to go deeper, to shed or heal what is getting in the way of our deepening, and at times the distractions that present so we avoid these opportunities. In previous relationship I too have been led astray but such hooks, and now in hindsight can see how it was a distraction from exploring a deeper truth and love that was actually being offered.
A great sharing Henrietta. Thank you for expressing so clearly the process of infidelity, the fact that even our thoughts can be classified as such as well. Lovely to see you strengthened your relationship and took it to another loving level.