Recently I have been reflecting on my relationship with my husband and how far we have travelled together as a couple. There have been awesome times as there have been challenging times, and then there have been those times where we have been at a crossroads, contemplating whether to stay together or not.
One of these crossroads happened well before we got married, when we had been together for quite a few years already, and one could say we got to the crossroad of infidelity.
Before I share this with you, let’s get some definitions out of the way. I suppose there are varying definitions of infidelity (what different people perceive as being unfaithful) and we could say varying degrees of it.
There is the blatantly obvious one of ‘sleeping with another’, then there is oral sex with another, which some don’t classify as having being unfaithful because they have not ‘gone all the way’. Then there are the unfaithful thoughts that we might entertain about another, or the fantasies we might have of another, whilst in the throes of passionate sex with our current partner.
What these have in common is the feeling of a hook, of excitement being offered and of being pulled away from what we have.
My Experience of Attraction vs Connection
I can say that I have experienced this hook during my current relationship. About 4 years into my relationship I met another man whom I was very much attracted to. I could not explain this attraction – I could somewhat rationalise it as he was attractive/good looking, but I could not understand it. It was sudden and almost obsessive and I felt myself going almost stir-crazy trying to not think about this person and I began questioning whether I should be with him or my partner.
It felt like there was so much turmoil in me: I knew that my relationship with my partner was not perfect, but also knew and appreciated the solidness that we held together – I could feel that what we brought to each other was special. This was what confused me – if we were so solid together, why then was I suddenly attracted to this other man?
The tension in me grew to a point where I had to do something about the situation – I was not willing to give up on what I shared with my partner and yet I could not get this other man ‘out of my head’.
I knew deep within me that there was only one thing for me to do to free myself from this obsession and it scared me to do it. But I did it anyway – I bared myself to my partner and told him everything, knowing full well that this could potentially end our relationship, or at best, would rock the boat tremendously. Deep within, I knew without a doubt that I had to do this – I knew this was the only chance I had of holding onto myself and possibly saving my relationship with my partner.
It is important to understand that although I was not unfaithful in the classic sense (as I did nothing other than have a normal conversation with this other man), to me this was still infidelity, as it was entertaining thoughts of another, of allowing myself to be pulled towards another in the way that I was.
I felt the hook and allowed myself to be pulled by it, only for a fraction, but enough to feel how much it took me away from myself, as well as my partner. I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.
Understandably, my partner was deeply hurt by my sharing and I got to feel how much this distraction that I had entertained with another for a week could breach and slice into the trust that we had built up with each other.
I was devastated to feel that this could be the end of our relationship because of how much hurt this brought up for us both, but I also knew once again that this was simply what was needed for me to break the ‘spell’ that I had been under.
In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.
Though I was horrified by how much I had hurt my partner, I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty. It was like I was free – free of the obsessive thoughts and free of the pull and the addictive attraction, free to make a choice between the two men and now this choice was so easy – there was no doubt in any cell of my body that I was already with an amazing man – I already had my pot of Gold.
In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.
After this I was still left to feel my own hurt, a feeling of having been fooled into such distraction, and also left to feel how hurt my partner was because of this addictive distraction that I had fallen for. But I was free and I knew the Gold I held now was no fool’s gold. My partner chose to stay with me and not long after this I asked him to marry me, and our relationship has continued to deepen endlessly.
I am sharing this experience not because I feel that others should do as I did, but simply because I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship; to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Henrietta Chang, Naturopath BaBiol, MApplSci, BaNat
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love Or Have Sex?’
Starting a new relationship – the pictures we hold
In a true and deepening relationship nothing is secret as it is felt by the other.
I’ve often found that if there’s a feeling of excitement the situation causing such often has something untrue about it. And yet so many of us, myself included, would say/have said that excitement is a positive thing to have in life. I’ve found that not to be true. Life is more amazing when we go deeper in relationships than just stimulated occasionally.
When connecting in any relationship the love that we have developed for our own self or self-love is important to keep us from being distracted and thus staying focused on what ever is in front of us or being consciously present, so the relationships we are in, will deepen and evolve.
This is a fantastic blog, with much wisdom.
Distraction like this can really hurt us and others.
Far better to be true and to commit to the one you are with .
Magic can not but happen when 2 truly committed, loving, loyal beings come together.
Agreed Henrietta, adding to what you have shared, that if we get distracted while in a relationship then what energy have we allowed to enter us that will create the illusion that the grass is always greener on some-one else turf. As True Love has us seeing the energy we are in clearly so those desires never enter our minds.
When there is distraction in a relationship it is often because one person is putting the brakes on and does not want to go to the next level of intimacy. The human being can creat all sorts of complications just to avoid going deeper with another.
Absolutely, a roller-coaster ride it may be, but deepening our relationship is part of evolution.
Nothing beats the feeling of real purpose and constellation we have with another, why would we ever want to jeopardise that?
Henrietta, this is really supportive to read, thanks for sharing so honestly and openly.
Honesty is essential in any relationship as you showed in this blog Henrietta, ‘ to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.’
Infidelity can highlight how lonely we are within a relationship and the loneliness we feel inside.
Honesty has to be the way as you have shown in this blog, ‘ I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’
Barriers of protection can hurt us – and others – more than we think. Honesty and self-love are a couple of key ingredients to lessening those barriers.
I wonder if infidelity is an indication of something being very wrong with the original relationship or the person engaging in it or both? Clamping down on it doesn’t solve the underlying issue.
So true Christoph, one could also ponder on where the reflection came from that created the issue in the first place and then be transparent in what we share with our partner to get to the true issue so the relationship set a True foundation, which is required for any relationship to deepen.
All we ever want is pure, uncensored, unabashed Love – which comes from vulnerability and deep honesty. But do we have this with ourselves?
And me feels it does start with our-selves Joseph, as when finding our feet on the return to honesty, deep honesty, absolute honesty and we need these steps to get to start to have a relationship with Truth! Truth is developed through our relationships that are transparent, which is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or our openness and strength!
My partner and I have had our ups and downs too as does every relationship however what has made our love stronger and deeper is the commitment we have to the love we share and letting go of the stuff we bring in that prevents us from going deeper which is often protection and individuality.
A beautiful example of where complete honesty is shared the Illusion disappears.
It’s great to define infidelity as not an act but the feeling of being hooked by the excitement of attraction with another partner. It is not really about the relationship, it’s the desire we fall for, to have something new, a ‘grass is greener over the other side’ attitude. Relationships are not the happy ever after that we are sold in childhood, and it’s easy to seek something new when this becomes apparent. But to keep growing a relationship is a beautiful thing to observe and be part of.
What you have shared with us is an example of intimacy in relationship. We don’t need to be in a relationship with you (although clearly we are by reading your blog!!) but you have given us an opportunity to consider deeply what you have shared and the transparency an intimate relationship calls for. If we have secrets and things we keep to ourselves then we are open to being ‘sucked in’ to this attraction and obsession type relationship out of need. What you have shared here is laying yourself open, and for us to learn or at least have on our plate of consideration what you have experienced.
I wonder how there can be so many different interpretations of what infidelity is.
What an awesome power honesty and intimacy can bring in the healing that is provided when we share honestly, no matter what, with ourselves and each other, it is truly amazing grace.
Yes, it is the quickest way to get to the truth of the matter.
Yes, I agree Jill, it was very beautiful to read Henrietta’s example of this honesty in this blog, and healing it brought.
The sad fact is that infidelity that we see on Movies are often made to look exciting , glamorous and the be all and end all Yet the truth is infidelity is often devastating to all involved.
‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’ Reading this is helping me see how I put up barriers to intimacy that make me feel lonely. I have wonderful people in my life and I keep them out, this can be subtle at times but is also obvious in practical ways of not ringing people and being open. My fear of rejection isn’t a reality but even if it became one, it cannot be worse than my self-enforced exile because the exile includes being exiled from the loveliness that I am.
The lack of clarity, confusion and general negativity we bring to ourselves and others by looking the other way is never ever worth it.
Keeping expression open and honest in our relationships will always help stop this type of behaviour.
It is great to talk about infidelity in this way and how it can be as subtle as having thoughts about someone else. We tend to see it as only the extreme when in fact, the physical outcome only happens as a result of first considering it.
Commitment, being true, letting someone in and being super transparent and honest is worth its weight in Gold. To say no to love of this calibre and to fall for something else is always to ones detriment.
I love reading blogs where people are absolutely honest about their life as it breaks down any illusion that people are different when in fact we are all the same.
Very beautiful Henrietta. It is often seen as normal to still ‘like to look at other men’ or to fantasise and that nothing is wrong with that but there is a lot that is not true about that. Also I hear sometimes people say that they already had the relationship with the next one whilst they were still with the partner of that moment. And that this ‘just happens’ and we can’t do anything about it, but this is not true. It is only when we have given our all to a relationship and you feel together that it is not evolving anymore for you both to be in the relationship and choose to end the relationship that you can explore other relationships. There is nothing wrong with not being alone for a long time but I don’t feel there is truth in ‘that other person is better than the one I am with now so I end the relationship’. Not to say you should not leave an abusive relationship.
When we hold back it opens up a gap into which all sorts of junk can pour. Pretty soon we start acting and doing things that make no sense thinking it’s us who are doing it all. But it’s not. The way forward as you show Henrietta is to share what we are feeling no matter how small. Otherwise the highway of Love gets blockaded up.
Powerful Henriette, an experience we can all deeply learn from. What I understand from your blog is that being transparent and honest is actually the thing that grows us personally and as couples, or with one another.
I found this line really interesting and key- ‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely’. It really made me ponder how we create our own loneliness by how much we allow others in.
Staying faithful to one another, sharing your truth, expressing everything no holds barred is one of the most beautiful things we can do with another. The depth of love on offer when we say yes to each other in full is tremendous and this opportunity for great evolution is open to us all.
Beautiful confirmation that honesty with yourself and with your partner offered you both the opportunity to deepen the foundations of your relationship.
“one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” This is a very key part of relationships. We like the feeling of new and exciting, it gives us a dopamine hit an adrenaline rush that is highly addictive. Working on a relationship takes effort and asks us to stay, be steady, deal with our past hurts. It takes a commitment to love to know which direction is the right direction for you.
Could infidelity be an indication of an absence of love? This may be obvious but if infidelity is an issue, I would look at love first.
When I think back to the movies I have watched and the TV dramas that get podcast infidelity is often sold as something glamorous, risky and sexy yet this could not be further from the truth. Why would we not want to be honest in a relationship? Honesty is the building block for the magic of real love.
I am all for being open to sharing my all strengths, weaknesses, hurts, amazingness, and deep fond love to not only my partner but to all whom I’m with. Importantly, if you can master it with another partner or friend that will be available for all. It’s very rewarding to be intimate.
There is so much for us to always learn and understand, I love that you chose to be transparent with your partner so allowing the intimacy to deepen, ‘I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.’
For many, cheating is deeply hurtful and often feared, because intrinsically we know it is not true love and showing that there is something going wrong in the relationship to allow for the possibility of being tempted. We need to be constantly open to deepening our relationships, to being honest about any issues and working through them.
There is infidelity and there is jealousy. Jealousy can give the impression of infidelity even when it is not there or create it when it doesn’t exist.
I have also found in the past if I have felt an attraction to someone else, other than my partner that there was someone for me that I was not wanting to feel. There was a thought that the ‘grass would be greener on the other side’, but what I have found if we tend to our grass regularly and lovingly we don;t even consider what the ‘other side’ of the grass may look like.
It is a gorgeous level of honesty you brought to the relationship by telling your partner what was going on. And that is intimacy in itself. Simply opening up and being raw and honest. It seems like that was exactly what was needed in order for you to deepen your current relationship.
Thank you Henrietta, it may be that we reach a familiar comfort point in relationships where we will go so far with deepening that connection. When that point starts to feel restrictive we can either see it as a signal to initiate a way to advance to the next level together, or we can instead look for another partner to escape the tension. It’s great that you busted through the comfort and went to the next level.
Yes and it is so easy to think the answer is to end a relationship. It may well be but I wonder how many relationships stop before they have gone to a level of deep connection to see if the relationship has completed. What I know now is that I would not like to leave a relationship till it is clear that I have committed in full and given it my all. Anything less doesn’t give the partner or the relationship the Love, Space and Opportunity they deserve (capitals letters meant!!!).
It is great that you share this experience of what many go through and may keep to themselves. To learn to open up and be super honest and raw and by doing this allowing everything to come up and be exposed, looked at and let go of so that you can build a more true relationship.
The grass is always greener on the other side. It has been and still sometimes is a hook that gets played out by my mind to escape the actual deepening of intimacy in my recent relationship. It is not very flattering to admit that, but the honesty in speaking about it, gives it a chance to let go. Keeping thoughts and desires hidden and accepted as normal, would never expose them.
When I read the list of infidelities, although the action seems different, I agree that they all share the hook and lure of something more tantalising. Although this may feel real at the time, we all know it can’t last and we will soon be looking for the next hook and excitement. Treasuring and building on the relationships we already have may seem boring but there is so much more we can explore in any relationship.
In my experience one of the worst thing you can do in life is hide the truth. Apart from anything else it simply doesn’t work. As everyone can feel everything, all it does is build distrust. And from this divide connection dies. Then we look around and wonder why our Love isn’t great. The truth is as you beautifully show Henrietta that we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel.
Well said Joseph ” we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel ” and the world is a lesser place as a result.
I like how you determine infidelity as thoughts, to me to think about another person in that way has always been infidelity but no one’s ever agreed with me!! I also love how you prove that honesty is the only way forward, and that part of being in a relationship is being absolutely honest – no matter how difficult the conversation.
We cannot share intimacy with one another if there is not first honesty – honesty with ourselves and how we feel and honesty with each other. Honesty is an element of the foundations for true relationships, be it intimate, work related, friends or family – each deserve to share with us our transparent selves.
Yes, and that transparency is a building block for the intimacy we know is what we all want! We run from it but we want it…slightly illogical human behaviour…
To already have a pot of gold but get distracted and attracted to the fools gold on offer can lead too many of us to constantly seeking the end of the rainbow.
It is actually showing a mistrust in you and in effect of heaven, that you are with your partner is not right, or a mistake, that there is something better out there. Honouring the constellation that is offered can bring you everything you need for your evolution in this life, when heavenly constellated. No one can present or give you something better or make it easier, as everything is already supplied and amazingly on offer for you.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing this experience so openly and honestly, it is very beautiful to read how you bared yourself to your partner and how this brought intimacy and let the protection come down. I can feel how sometimes we don’t realise we are not letting our partners and husbands in, that we can hold a protection and hurt and keep them at a distance, it is very lovely to read how you no longer do this and that you appreciate the ‘pot of gold’ you already have.
Do we appreciate what we have and just coast – or do we want to delve deeper? I notice in myself – and observe in others – of allowing a relationship (friend or intimate partner) that if we start to get too close one of us begins to pull away. If we don’ t become aware and express this we can lose a great potential relationship.
Thank you Henriette, for presenting the opportunity for us to appreciate just how great our opportunity is to learn, grow and deepen our connection to love and truth through our relationships. I have been discovering how our willingness to understand the purpose of our relationship allows us to observe the moments when we are asked to go deeper, to shed or heal what is getting in the way of our deepening, and at times the distractions that present so we avoid these opportunities. In previous relationship I too have been led astray but such hooks, and now in hindsight can see how it was a distraction from exploring a deeper truth and love that was actually being offered.
A great sharing Henrietta. Thank you for expressing so clearly the process of infidelity, the fact that even our thoughts can be classified as such as well. Lovely to see you strengthened your relationship and took it to another loving level.
Those crossroads in life are very challenging but at the same time an opportunity to do a big leap in our evolution. Your honesty was the way forward to the deepening of your love. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I so love your blog Henrietta, it is so raw and truthful. It’s a great moment shared, a moment when we are offered a point of evolution to deepen our love, which more often than not is a very frightening moment.
Lots of TV, music videos and media encourage unfaithfulness its almost seen as normal to look the other way, all of this of course encourages a false empty life.
Absolutely Samantha, it shows our continual pattern to keep finding ways to avoid deepening our love.
This feels like a very powerful blog to have shared Henrietta – for what you describe is something I see happening a lot in our lives. We constantly second guess and doubt what we do, everything is under critique and review. And then when it doesn’t work ‘out’ we say ‘see I knew it was flawed’ but why does this occur in the first place? Perhaps because we don’t truly commit to anything with all of our heart? Today I feel I am ready to do this at last.
No matter what comes up – it feels to me as though it’s this freedom to express and connect you followed Henrietta that defines our relationships. We look to find ‘the perfect match’ but it’s in the honesty and intimacy that we bring that the gold and richness is. It may not be comfortable to do it – but none the less it’s the thing that keeps our life And friendships clear.
This addictive attraction is something I know every well, and it is like you say – very shocking how much it can take over and how much potential it holds to tear apart what is otherwise absolutely fine. I love the way however that you just knew that you had to be honest and in doing so you were able to feel what was really going on for you. Beautiful to read.
What is interesting to read here is that it may not be infidelity that is only distracting us from the pot of gold but the way in which we often sabotage and great learning that is offered by another to expand and all in all the markers we have used in the past to sit and stew rather than expose and learn.
Such a beautiful blog and I agree attraction only occurs when we miss something in our current relationship. It is great to realise though that attraction never matches true love, it might be exciting for a while but it does not touch having long consistent true love with someone.
There is a forever deepening in any relationship, if we so allow it. infidelity is a big distraction to what is really going on.
Nothing in this world beats being in true connection with another and together evolving forever uncovering the magic of the universe.
Its very easy in any relationship (intimate or not) to not realise the warning signs that something isn’t quite right, and the flow and ease that was there now isn’t. This doesn’t have to be the way though, and through open-ness and transparency, little things can be honestly worked through together so they don’t become big things.
Thank you Henrietta for a very beautiful and inspiring story, I loved the honesty with which you shared, showing how that with true honesty between couples intimacy can deepen.
Henrietta, it is very beautiful to read how you were so open and honest with your partner and how this has allowed you to appreciate and clearly see the potential of your relationship and how this relationship now continues to deepen, this level of honesty is very inspiring for me.
This is an incredibly honest sharing Henrietta and I feel inspired by how transparent you were with your husband and now, everyone reading this. Despite the fact that it would have been painful and very challenging to go through that, you have essentially broken through so many layers only to build an even more solid relationship with your partner and then by default everyone else you have contact with. That’s huge, and so desperately needed for us all to witness.
I am deeply touched with this story. I saw that how just like the physical injury after an unloving choice can prompt a deeper level of self-love, the situation you found yourself in was painful but in it did contain the seed and the possibility for the two of you to deepen your love and commitment. How gorgeous that you both chose to go there. And it would not have happened without your choice to be transparent and your husband to hold you in love and understanding.
There are always going to be distractions from deepening the love with ourselves and therefore with another… it is knowing the distractions and seeing them for what they are and while they may be different or get more intense they are still a distraction.
Your blog helped me to see that our relationships are impacted by a whole range of distractions from social media to infidelity if we do not allow ourselves to truly open up to one another and express ourselves in full.
Being tempted by infidelity and ignoring the pot of gold we have is so not worth it, when we stick with Love we reap the benefits.
Thank you Henrietta for ‘going there’, what you have shared here is so super important. What you have described is that these feelings do come up and they are more common that we could possibly imagine, so having this type of dialogue is really great. So thank you again for sharing.
Perhaps the greatest infidelity is to not be aware of the love that we already are.
Reading this again highlighted the importance in transparency in relationships and being willing to communicate with each other and not hide things away. Thank you.
The hook of another can definitely be seen as a signal that something is missing in the relationship, as you found out by revealing honestly how you felt. What’s interesting is we can place the blame for this on our partner but it’s for both to step up in deepening the level of relating. I also feel that many people could consider your experience quite normal and not question it, yet by not accepting your pull towards another and by communicating about it honestly, it offered you both the opportunity to go deeper together. I also appreciated how you have expressed integrity in relationships – that whether you physically enact infidelity or just think about it it’s still infidelity.
Very relatable to many. We so often hear partners blame each other when infidelity takes place removing any understanding and thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side. This blog brings so much truth to the topic and the true meaning of the word intimacy.
What is really revealing in this expose on infidelity is how much the attraction is about a mental attraction and the idea of something exciting and a distraction from a lack of intimacy in our current relationships.
The honesty and opening up the conversation on this topic is very refreshing, we can justify ourselves as not being unfaithful because a physical act has not taken place but infidelity as you say starts with a thought.
You have clearly demonstrated the power of honesty and openness in your sharing here Henrietta, thank you. Having the courage to open yourselves up to vulnerability, fragility and having honest conversations is inspiring.
When unhappy with ourselves we can often look for something different whether it is a new look, new relationship or new job. Yet often when we look within and deal with what is coming up we find we may not need a change just a different approach and deeper acceptance of ourselves and others.
To be in a relationship and say yes to evolution is to say no to staying comfortable and unexposed, this is something to greatly appreciate and celebrate. When we move from relationships unresolved what are we bringing to the next one? We are naive to think that we won’t be presented with the same things to work on there too. Relationships are with everyone and what we choose to work on for ourselves with one person, we are doing so with all and this is truly evolutionary. When we deepen with one we are deepening with all and without this known fact we are not really changing anything but instead building one relationship to be ahead of the rest and this is just not (energetically) possible.
I love how you share about the difference between attraction and connection. Attraction being created by a need or feeling of loneliness in a relationship and connection together with intimacy being the true answer to the emptiness we might feel in a relationship. I found being in relationship really highlights if there is a deeper level of intimacy and connection to go too which can be challenging and uncomfortable but very beautiful if we see it for the opportunity to deepen and evolve the relationship together.
I love the honesty in which you have shared this for others to learn from… and love that when choosing to express this honesty to your partner in the way you did, that you were freed to feel the truth of the situation and make a choice based on this and nothing else.
This is really beautiful to read. I feel we’re often offered choices that either allow us the comfort of not going deeper but in that depth is the gold of who we are. I am single and can find myself wondering about certain relationships which is all in my head, all a distraction from my relationship with me.
Commitment to self and to life, to evolution, great to ponder on how deep is our commitment to love, ‘to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.’
There is a lot to ponder on in here. There is so much honor in between the lines. The honor of acknowledging the fact that already thoughts have the power to separate and hurt, the honor of allowing yourself and others to be vulnerable, the honor and grace of accepting one’s imperfections as part of a full expression when we address them with responsibility.
From experience I know that the slightest glance from a partner towards another woman can spark off a feeling of jealousy or mistrust. But when this happens it stems from a feeling of insecurity within me. There have been other times when this has happened but I have been feeling rock solid within myself and the thoughts do not enter my head and I feel rock solid. It’s a reflection for me of where I am at in myself.
It is amazing how things can come into our life and offer a hook to focus on something else, change our direction or just make our focus wobble just a little of our path. What your sharing is beautiful, to see these hooks as simply a offered distraction away from the pot of gold we already have in our lives.
“In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.” this line really stood out for me as it is so easy to begin to stop sharing in the false idea that you will be able to ‘keep’ everything safe and in control when it does the opposite!
When reading this blog again I have the feeling of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome. We often seem to not want to look at our problems or difficulties and wish to go to pastures new as a way of resolving them. Yet, if we crossed the fence the same problems would remain as we take our issues with us wherever we go.
Holding thoughts and feeling such as this can simply be either a block to taking an existing relationship deeper or protection from the exposure that we feel in doing so as we asked to allow ourselves the increased vulnerability of letting go of the ‘get out’ clauses of the past.
Michael you are adorable.
Recently it’s been really in my face lately those hooking or attractive thoughts while I am at work. Thinking about what I’ll have for lunch on my breaktime rather than being with the customers and my work colleagues. Reading this again makes me wonder what I am avoiding feeling and what is there to appreicate by being with people and not thoughts. Straight away I know that any food while working = dullness and unsettlement whereas working with people = vitality and energy and lightness. Why then trade this gold for misery?
Truth and true love support each other and I have found that if we lie or try and pull the wool over someone’s eyes it always comeS out for the worst!
Such a great sharing and one that affects so many of us, these distractions are so easily entertained as we get caught in the game of not wanting to go deeper and more intimate with our partners and even with ourselves. This is very inspiring that laying all your cards on the table, every single one – even your thoughts create an opportunity and a place of absolute honesty and trust. These are the foundations that builds a deep, loving and strong relationship.
Thanks for sharing this Henrietta – the same thing happened with a past partner but unfortunately I discovered it without him being honest and sadly that was the beginning of the end for us. For me honesty is the best policy, even if it’s heart breaking news because from there you can build with trust; without that it’s like building on top of a foundation of a big hole!! So awesome you had the courage to do that and after only one week – very inspirational!
A really powerful sharing about the sugar-coated hook that brings obsessive behaviour about another when in fact what really stops us from getting the intimacy we so crave are those barriers we don’t even realise we’ve put in place to keep people out that are in fact making us lonely. Could this be one of the reasons behind the cycle of serial monogamy? What’s great is your message that for you, intimacy began ‘to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him.’ The truth is, expression is everything.
Commitment or distraction, it is but a choice we choose it not just in relationships but with everything we do, what food we eat, and how we express.
How much do we appreciate ourselves and our life, and if we don’t, how many of our choices are coming from a lack of appreciation – we can get distracted and wonder of course if we haven’t really felt the amazingness of where we are.
Any excitement is not truly love. When we feel we are being hooked into excitement, we are already being taken away from ourselves, therefore we have left what is love. This moment calls for a stop. The choice is then clear, do we return to the relationship with ourselves or not?
We always have a choice, commitment and to deepen our intimacy, or distraction, excitement and avoid deepening our relationship, this is really great to have this subject so honestly shared, ‘ I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.’
“Our issues follow us until we deal with and heal them.”
Absolutely Marika, everyday is an opportunity to walk towards our issues and explore them head on or we can choose to avoid & bury them deeper only for them to crop up once again until we break with what we know, no longer serves us.
“I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.” I have experienced periods in my relationship where we have chosen function and business over and above connection, this has resulted in a deep sense of loneliness and sadness, firstly because I miss myself and secondly because I miss the confirmation of this with my partner.