Recently I have been reflecting on my relationship with my husband and how far we have travelled together as a couple. There have been awesome times as there have been challenging times, and then there have been those times where we have been at a crossroads, contemplating whether to stay together or not.
One of these crossroads happened well before we got married, when we had been together for quite a few years already, and one could say we got to the crossroad of infidelity.
Before I share this with you, let’s get some definitions out of the way. I suppose there are varying definitions of infidelity (what different people perceive as being unfaithful) and we could say varying degrees of it.
There is the blatantly obvious one of ‘sleeping with another’, then there is oral sex with another, which some don’t classify as having being unfaithful because they have not ‘gone all the way’. Then there are the unfaithful thoughts that we might entertain about another, or the fantasies we might have of another, whilst in the throes of passionate sex with our current partner.
What these have in common is the feeling of a hook, of excitement being offered and of being pulled away from what we have.
My Experience of Attraction vs Connection
I can say that I have experienced this hook during my current relationship. About 4 years into my relationship I met another man whom I was very much attracted to. I could not explain this attraction – I could somewhat rationalise it as he was attractive/good looking, but I could not understand it. It was sudden and almost obsessive and I felt myself going almost stir-crazy trying to not think about this person and I began questioning whether I should be with him or my partner.
It felt like there was so much turmoil in me: I knew that my relationship with my partner was not perfect, but also knew and appreciated the solidness that we held together – I could feel that what we brought to each other was special. This was what confused me – if we were so solid together, why then was I suddenly attracted to this other man?
The tension in me grew to a point where I had to do something about the situation – I was not willing to give up on what I shared with my partner and yet I could not get this other man ‘out of my head’.
I knew deep within me that there was only one thing for me to do to free myself from this obsession and it scared me to do it. But I did it anyway – I bared myself to my partner and told him everything, knowing full well that this could potentially end our relationship, or at best, would rock the boat tremendously. Deep within, I knew without a doubt that I had to do this – I knew this was the only chance I had of holding onto myself and possibly saving my relationship with my partner.
It is important to understand that although I was not unfaithful in the classic sense (as I did nothing other than have a normal conversation with this other man), to me this was still infidelity, as it was entertaining thoughts of another, of allowing myself to be pulled towards another in the way that I was.
I felt the hook and allowed myself to be pulled by it, only for a fraction, but enough to feel how much it took me away from myself, as well as my partner. I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.
Understandably, my partner was deeply hurt by my sharing and I got to feel how much this distraction that I had entertained with another for a week could breach and slice into the trust that we had built up with each other.
I was devastated to feel that this could be the end of our relationship because of how much hurt this brought up for us both, but I also knew once again that this was simply what was needed for me to break the ‘spell’ that I had been under.
In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.
Though I was horrified by how much I had hurt my partner, I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty. It was like I was free – free of the obsessive thoughts and free of the pull and the addictive attraction, free to make a choice between the two men and now this choice was so easy – there was no doubt in any cell of my body that I was already with an amazing man – I already had my pot of Gold.
In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.
After this I was still left to feel my own hurt, a feeling of having been fooled into such distraction, and also left to feel how hurt my partner was because of this addictive distraction that I had fallen for. But I was free and I knew the Gold I held now was no fool’s gold. My partner chose to stay with me and not long after this I asked him to marry me, and our relationship has continued to deepen endlessly.
I am sharing this experience not because I feel that others should do as I did, but simply because I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship; to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Henrietta Chang, Naturopath BaBiol, MApplSci, BaNat
Further Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love Or Have Sex?’
Starting a new relationship – the pictures we hold
587 Comments
In a true and deepening relationship nothing is secret as it is felt by the other.
I’ve often found that if there’s a feeling of excitement the situation causing such often has something untrue about it. And yet so many of us, myself included, would say/have said that excitement is a positive thing to have in life. I’ve found that not to be true. Life is more amazing when we go deeper in relationships than just stimulated occasionally.
When connecting in any relationship the love that we have developed for our own self or self-love is important to keep us from being distracted and thus staying focused on what ever is in front of us or being consciously present, so the relationships we are in, will deepen and evolve.
This is a fantastic blog, with much wisdom.
Distraction like this can really hurt us and others.
Far better to be true and to commit to the one you are with .
Magic can not but happen when 2 truly committed, loving, loyal beings come together.
Agreed Henrietta, adding to what you have shared, that if we get distracted while in a relationship then what energy have we allowed to enter us that will create the illusion that the grass is always greener on some-one else turf. As True Love has us seeing the energy we are in clearly so those desires never enter our minds.
When there is distraction in a relationship it is often because one person is putting the brakes on and does not want to go to the next level of intimacy. The human being can creat all sorts of complications just to avoid going deeper with another.
Absolutely, a roller-coaster ride it may be, but deepening our relationship is part of evolution.
Nothing beats the feeling of real purpose and constellation we have with another, why would we ever want to jeopardise that?
Henrietta, this is really supportive to read, thanks for sharing so honestly and openly.
Honesty is essential in any relationship as you showed in this blog Henrietta, ‘ to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.’
Infidelity can highlight how lonely we are within a relationship and the loneliness we feel inside.
Honesty has to be the way as you have shown in this blog, ‘ I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’
Barriers of protection can hurt us – and others – more than we think. Honesty and self-love are a couple of key ingredients to lessening those barriers.
I wonder if infidelity is an indication of something being very wrong with the original relationship or the person engaging in it or both? Clamping down on it doesn’t solve the underlying issue.
So true Christoph, one could also ponder on where the reflection came from that created the issue in the first place and then be transparent in what we share with our partner to get to the true issue so the relationship set a True foundation, which is required for any relationship to deepen.
Without honesty there cannot be true intimacy.
All we ever want is pure, uncensored, unabashed Love – which comes from vulnerability and deep honesty. But do we have this with ourselves?
And me feels it does start with our-selves Joseph, as when finding our feet on the return to honesty, deep honesty, absolute honesty and we need these steps to get to start to have a relationship with Truth! Truth is developed through our relationships that are transparent, which is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or our openness and strength!
My partner and I have had our ups and downs too as does every relationship however what has made our love stronger and deeper is the commitment we have to the love we share and letting go of the stuff we bring in that prevents us from going deeper which is often protection and individuality.