I found throughout my life I romanticised the way in which I would meet the perfect guy. He would tick all my boxes (tall, slim, funny, handsome, great smile) and he would be the one chasing me.
The reality though, was different. In all my previous relationships I always found I got caught in the fantasy of ‘love’: the idea that this love would be everlasting and ‘happily ever after’.
In truth, what I created was a feeling of neediness – that somehow I needed a guy to fulfill me; that I was never enough and eventually the guy would leave.
The way I met guys varied from school crushes, to seedy nightclub pick-ups, to even meeting one guy through advertising for a flat mate, and always the result was the same . . . me feeling less, adoring the guy, but never truly being the real me within the relationship and ultimately, feeling like who I was choosing to be was way too intense for the person I was with.
So at the age of 32, after attending Universal Medicine workshops, presentations and talks, I began to shift the way I lived.
I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.
Through the presentations I had begun to see that I was responsible for the choices in my life, and that I could make changes if I was willing to see the roles I had played to this point. I felt a change in myself as I took more time to connect to the true me. I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, taking time to treat myself with gentleness and not rushing through my day, listening to my body and going to bed when I felt tired. I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.
It was around this time I attended a presentation by Serge Benhayon where we discussed the idea of Internet dating as a possible way of meeting a potential partner.
While this was not a new idea, I had previously tried this with mixed results, often finding myself connecting to men who were not truly interested in me or a true relationship but more so what they could get from me through saying the ‘right’ things. This time though, I felt something in me had shifted and I was ready to give it another go. How I felt within myself was amazing: I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. It was from this new awareness I committed to trying Internet dating again.
This time round it felt completely different; what was different was me.
I began by choosing a service, a popular one at the time, and sat to write my profile. Unlike before, where I focused on my ideal partner and creating a profile that would attract the right guy, this time I wrote about the true me. I did not put parameters around what type of person I wanted to meet, only that I was open to meeting someone who could perhaps share my life, be it as a friend or lover. I posted my profile, at first without a photo, and the response was instantaneous. Within the day I had received several replies and it was only then that I placed a picture of myself on my profile. Adding a photo was my final commitment to putting the real me out there, and a letting go of self-doubt. It reflected the fact I knew that no matter what, I was already amazing and whatever the outcome was, this would never change. There was one reply that stood out, so I began to write. This guy felt open, and our dialogue back and forth was light, playful, and so funny, the connection was instant. Within the week we set a date to meet.
The day of our date came and anxiety was there, but what was different was my commitment to me. I felt strong within myself and complete as I am, and knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me. I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself.
I arrived first at our designated meeting place, waiting to see if I recognised his face. When he arrived, the person I saw looked totally different to the ‘tick a box’ idea that I had created of what my ideal partner would look like. But something inside me knew that it was worth staying and finding out more. The moment he smiled I melted, and I knew my life was about to change. We sat down at a table and ordered our drinks and within no time at all the conversation flowed. Instantly I felt an ease with him and shared myself without reservation; it was as if we had known each other a lifetime. Our date flowed, going from our first meeting spot onto lunch elsewhere, and by the end of our date, I knew as did he, that this connection was different and worth pursuing further.
It has continued this way for the last 5 years, and my love and connection to this man deepens more each day. What I feel shifted was the quality in me. If I had approached our date without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.
I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are. What Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have shared in their presentations has shown me another way of life, a way that is about love; this love is within us all equally and it begins with loving ourselves first. From here we can build the foundations of developing true relationships with others – not in perfection, but in truth.
The way I now approach life and my relationships has been inspired by the presentations of Serge Benhayon and the many amazing practitioners of Universal Medicine. Through them I have learnt that love must begin with self – there is no greater love and we all hold this equally within our hearts.
By Jade Jamieson, Bachelor of Education (Primary), Graduate Diploma of Education (Childcare), Lismore Heights, NSW
Further Reading:
“The highest form of intelligence is love”
Hello, is it me I’m looking for…?
The Difference in Love
How to be safe dating online
780 Comments
“I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman” Sharing the truth of who you are is very powerful.
I’ve changed my track of online dating from how a person looks or whats on their profile to how they feel. It’s totally different and much lighter than trying to get a person to fit in a box.
Thank you Jade, what a breath of fresh air to read about your experience of dating and the relationship that can be built when we are open and honest in our own connection and thus non imposing on another to be a certain way.
“This time round it felt completely different; what was different was me.” The first step in healing any hurt is recognising our own part in it.
They do say that like attracts like, we can also say that an open and willing heart attracts too an open and willing heart.
Hi Jade,
Thanks for sharing, what you share with us can be true in all manner of situations, how we live and how loving we are with ourselves and others now will always be shaping any future constellations.
Its amazing the difference of making more loving choices and taking more care of ourselves makes in our lives, ‘ I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.’
What are you bringing to a relationship if you are not bringing who you are but who you feel the other person would like you to be or what you feel they would want. What if they actually want you, but in offering a picture you are offering something so much less than that? It’s worth being totally and authentically you in a relationship.
Building a strong foundation of love for ourselves is essential as a base for any relationship, ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’
It must be the sign of the times as more and more people are choosing to meet via online dating apps and the like. There was a time when we met someone whilst out socialising or through a friend but nowadays people seem too busy.
Internet dating is a way of meeting people and the way for others to know who you are – you have to be who you are.
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are” I love this line Jade, we spend much too much time looking for what is perfect but our pictures can completely destroy something we have that is actually amazing simply because we try and make it different to how it is perfectly designed to be.
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” Yay and that’s when the true love story truly begins only when we first take these steps, don’t take these steps and we will be forever grasping for something that does not exist.
It is only through our connection to the love we are that we firstly establish an honouring relationship with ourselves. As then we know what is of this love and what is not, which then sets the foundation for all other relationships to develop in the truth of the love we are, as such honouring our opportunity to evolve through our relationships.
This was awesome to read, how the small and simple changes to how you were with yourself then built a steady foundation so you stayed steady and with yourself in a new relationship, without a need for it to make you ‘more’ or fill you up.
By making new choices in our everyday livingness we change so much more, ‘I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, taking time to treat myself with gentleness and not rushing through my day, listening to my body and going to bed when I felt tired.’
I’ve recently joined a dating site out of curiosity, never used them before but reading this was a great reminder and confirmation that my relationship with myself should be the top priority. My body can tell me by how it feels if someone is worth speaking to or not rather than my eyes and mind saying “he fits the picture”. Often my body feels more drawn towards those who don’t match any picture! Those pictures can’t be relied on.
Re-defining online dating at a time when relationships are becoming transactional is very cool. I love this sharing because it explores how there is another way to do things and use systems to support us rather than to go into a false relationship.
So often we can place pictures and ideas abotu how we want something to look like or someone to be that we miss the very beauty that is right in front of us. Each and every one of us has such an exquisite beauty to dismiss this in any way because they may not fit the picture we have is dismissing the love we are from.
If we bring ourself in full the outcome doesn’t matter for everything we do has the completion and therefor the potential for more in it.
How lovely to read this again! I enjoyed all the gems of wisdom you shared Jade including “I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” I feel this relates to all relationships, to friends, colleagues, children, etc, that we begin by connecting to and knowing the love we are in essence and meet that equally in others.
Internet dating offers a real reflection for how you are within yourself. There are times when I have been internet dating and instantly connected with and met someone and there have been other times where I have been on and there are no connections made- the later occurs when I have gone on feeling not full within myself and needing something from outside and in this I get more abuse or rude comments or being dismissed by others.
It is beautiful to know that we are the one who can change the type of relationships we have with others because we can change ourselves and thus how we stand in a relationship.
It sure is Lieke and that is a great point – we are always in the driving seat and never are a victim.
As we deepen the love we have for ourselves, situations that come around again get dealt with differently, mainly because we have changed, and are able to respond to the situation instead of reacting.
The fact the quality of life that we live is what we are allowing to flow through us, indicates that it is impossible for anyone or anything to give us something that we seek. It is only us that can restore the love we seek, the love that we innately are, and we are choosing to align to or not.
I love that you didn’t let the picture dictate but that you allowed yourself to be open and feel the potential that was there between the two of you and in this everything flowed.
Many women find internet dating very confronting and I was one of them. When I began to see that internet dating was a reflection I was able to read the energy behind the kind of responses I received from men online rather than go into blame and reaction. Your story shows how wonderful internet dating can be when we start from a foundation of love.
Brilliant Jade – life is faulty and imperfect so we might learn to live in our true authority. For when we do the alchemy that can occur is magical and out of this world.
This is such a big thing for women to come to terms with, busting out of this idea that we need someone to complete us. It is something that I often grapple with and can feel the need that I go into- to have someone bring me something that I am not prepared to choose for myself. When I am in this it pushes people away and confirms the rejection which then exacerbates the neediness and it is a worm hole. The only way is to come back to a quality within myself that then does not look outside but allows me to bring myself without the impositions to others.
Jade, I love this; ‘I felt strong within myself and complete as I am, and knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me. I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself.’ If we could be brought up to love ourselves and know that we are already complete then relationships would be much more true and without the need that is so often there, they could instead be based on true love.
When it comes to internet dating, I have only just tipped my toe in and that was a few years ago. After reading this blog, I feel inspired to consider joining a dating agency as like you Jade, I also feel totally different having deepened the relationship with myself, I know I will not lose myself in a relationship like I have done in the past. No that will not happen as I am letting so much more of me out!
It is a turning point when we start to live true to ourselves, when we love and adore ourselves, we then do not have to look to the other to meet our needs, which creates a lot of space in a relationship for both partners to be open, honest and transparent with each other.
What an amazing sharing – you are bringing truth to internet dating – no need – just the fullness of who you are – totally full of love. What an amazing inspiration this is for any relationship.
‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me’. How can we truly love another if we cannot love ourselves – Each and every one of us is worth loving but we must claim and live this for ourselves, which has an amazing ripple effect in all our relationships.
It is like looking in a mirror. If we are in love with ourselves, the mirror will reflect this to us.
Exactly Nico, mirrors never lie and is perhaps why many avoid them!
Most people turn to internet dating to find someone to fulfil what we are missing, I did that a number of years back, but the reality I love here is that its not about how you meet some (i.e. the mechanism) but its about the quality and intent behind that meeting. Is it for evolution and to share living that amazingness with another or to make ourselves feel better?
I was in a relationship that was an amazing love. We adored each other. There comes a point though that you can express and feel this love come through however, if it is not embodied by living to your self-worth and appreciating all of you, the foundation will be the relationship and not your bounding love. So, if one shifts to loving themselves the other will have to as well.
Hi Rik, I get what you are saying and can understand that this is how it works. We are constantly asked to be more loving with ourselves first before we can bring it in our relationships and out to the world.
Yes, Rik, the energy is constantly asking us to follow the greater love that is on offer. When we don’t have a body that can support that by worthiness issues, we cannot handle the succes and the relationship suffers from that.
Beautiful blog Jade. Deepening our connection and deepening the relationship we have with ourselves bringing more light and love and letting ourselves be seen, staying honest about how we feel and not holding back allows for the constellation to unfold. Inspiring.
Yes, love starts with self first, ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’
The fact that Jade had a significant instantaneous response to her online dating profile that was claiming her true qualities with appreciation for herself shows to me just how much people want that for themselves as well, and are naturally drawn to those characteristics displayed by others. Deep down we all know how amazing we are and that we don’t need anyone else to complete us in any way.
When we let go of the tick box list of the image we are trying to portray we are able to meet others as who we truly are.
Truth can only be met, if we put it out first.
When we make life all about love, developing our own love first , that love magnetically pulls that same love to us. The more love we have for ourselves the more we have for each other, gone are the days of looking for love outside and ending up feeling let down by neediness and expectations.
What a difference between writing an entry to attract the ‘right’ partner and just writing about oneself, putting oneself out there with honesty and transparency. The former is fuelled by neediness and the latter is just as it is – here I am, take it or leave it.
When we get caught in the fantasy of life and that the happy ever after we cannot but disconnect and withdraw from the practicalities and reality of daily life.
The more I drop my pictures of what a relationship should be like the more me and my husband connect deeper, pictures and ideals can really create havoc if we allow them to dominate a relationship, far better to be open and surrender to the love that is there, the real thing is always going to be so much more better then the dreamed up version.
It is the case so often that we get so caught up in the picture of what we are looking for in a partner, or we are seeking to fulfil within ourselves through a partner, that we completely overlook the being in front of us, forgoing connecting to the potential on offer from the constellation at hand. As in every relationship we are offered the opportunity to evolve, which brings great and valuable purpose to each and every connection we make in our lives.
I agree. What I find very interesting is to look at the deep down hidden demands we constantly hold onto the other. These are conditions, we are often not very aware of ( and have actually nothing to do with the other person), but limiting the potential and the purpose of the union that is actually on offer.
I used to be completely closed down to relationships or the consideration of having a loving relationship with another. It’s only until I started to apply the teachings of Universal Medicine did I start to have love in my life for myself then with others. These days it’s learning to expand the joy I feel within myself and accept this to be my new normal. My relationships with others is taken care for when I work on my own relationship.
This is a great way to begin any relationship: if we say this is me and this is who I am with no manipulation, no rose tinted filter, no games, then if someone says yes, they say yes to you – and that has to be the beginning of an amazing relationship.
With all the effort most of us as women put into attracting the right man, it can be hard to be honest enough to see that first we need to truly and deeply love ourselves.
Thanks for this Jade. You have inspired me to consider internet dating, but more so, reminded me that I don’t have to do anything but be myself and stand solid and comfortable in that, and the rest will follow.
Universal Medicine offers to humanity the doorway of awareness to enter into true relationships… the matrix of life
How refreshing it is to read that the online profile you submitted was as honest as you could make it and not loaded with expectations of what you want from a guy. This in itself sets a new marker of what an online dating profile could feel and look like.
Thank you Jade for a beautiful story, living the love you are and knowing you are complete in this needing nothing from someone else to feel whole, is a great foundation for a deeply intimate relationship which you have found.
Every relationship offers us a reflection and as there is no such thing as perfection in every relationship, I am realising it is ok to make mistakes and to learn from them as I would rather see and act on something that I feel is not true than carry on with the relationship as it is knowing there is more.
Wow this is such a cool story, it just shows that if you are open and stay committed to what you know is true you never know what is in front of you. Seriously cool.
Great point Meg, no pictures just being fully open and then everything is before you even if you did not think it was possible.
The ideal that there is a perfect man out there for us and that he will be meeting all that we want him to be is a total lie and actually keeps us from seeing the beauty of the man we have before us. There are many perfect men out there for us but they won’t be fitting a picture, they will be perfect in the way what you can learn together and explore together.
Awesome to feel the love and appreciation you had for yourself and how this was reflected in the relationship that evolved with your partner.
That we can connect so deeply in such a seemingly casual encounter shines a beautiful light onto the understanding that we all actually are connected… which is deeply and profoundly beautiful
Jade it was so lovely reading your blog again. This line really grabbed me on how relationships changed for you, it “was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” I feel this relates to all kinds of relationships as without our own connection we can have needs and dependencies on others to fill that emptiness.
This is claiming another level of connection and love in our relationships, having claimed it for ourselves first we are then open to the same qualities in another. It paves the way, if we live that level of love and caring we will emanate that openness allowing the expansion to happen.
Beautiful Jade. The magic of falling in love with yourself so that your love is already there when you develop a relationship with another person.
Jade I love your story, thank you for sharing your experience it is so true – love really does start with ourselves if we do not have love for ourselves we are on an never ending journey of hardship.