For most of my working life I have been involved in or surrounded by abusive or disharmonious workplace relationships. I tried over and over to escape from these situations but found that they presented again and again, just with a different face.
In my current workplace it is common to hear stories from staff members about situations of harassment and bullying. These employees generally stay in their jobs as the region is one of high unemployment.
It appears, however, that my own experience and those of my work colleagues are not isolated events. The Australian Human Rights Commission refers to international research which estimates that 400,000 to 2 million Australians will be harassed at work (in 2001) while 2.5 to 5 million will experience workplace harassment at some time during their career.[i]
These statistics are alarming and certainly highlight that the way we are relating with each other in the workplace is not a true way of living and relating as human beings.
Abuse in the Workplace
For many years working in this environment impacted upon my own health and general wellbeing. It felt ‘unsafe’ to be myself and I felt powerless to call abuse when it presented.
The abuse which I experienced took many different forms and included being spoken to harshly and publicly, slamming doors, being overly-demanding, setting unachievable goals, ridiculing, starting malicious rumours, denying a voice, discriminatory comments and exclusion from information that related to my role.
I would drive to work heavy hearted and worked through the day in extreme levels of anxiety, always documenting my tasks, responses and actions for the next occasion where I would come under scrutiny.
I did all I could to override the awfulness that I felt and succumbed to ways that allowed me to be easily controlled – to be silent, to do as I was told and to work fast and relentlessly. What I didn’t realise at the time was that this way of working was hurting me deeply.
In one instance the abuse built to an intolerable level and escalated when I injured myself at work. I was no longer able to handle the emotional abuse now that my body was in physical pain; I sought support from esoteric healing sessions with a number of different Universal Medicine practitioners.
The practitioners supported me to introduce gentleness and self-nurturing into my daily life and in time, love for myself started to expand. My thoughts were noticeably more sensitive and honouring of myself and others and my body didn’t need to hold itself in constant tension and protection in readiness for the ‘next attack’. Living like this had become unhealthy, not to mention draining on my energy levels.
Saying No to the Workplace Abuse
As I became more loving and tender with myself I started to see the world and people around me a little differently. I became much more aware of what was truly going on and I found that what felt like a personal attack from another, was really them reacting to something about themselves or something about their own lives. I found it much easier to say No to the abusive behaviour and could do so in a way that was firm and to the point, yet constructive and rational.
In time I observed how people at work began to cherish a more collaborative and supportive work environment based on a new level of care and concern for individuals. Many staff chose to socialise rather than stay behind closed doors and people were able to share more about how they were truly feeling.
This experience showed me a new way forward; the days of running from workplace conflict were over.
My Part in Workplace Abuse
Within this healing process I began to feel my part in all of this and questioned the role of my responses to abuse and whether I too had been an abuser. You see I always viewed myself as a victim and never as a perpetrator in any of these situations.
In each situation of conflict it always appeared that the other person was attacking, aggressive or rude towards me. However, I was failing to see that I was approaching people with a deep wall of protection in an attempt to not be hurt.
I didn’t allow people to see my sensitive, tender and loving side and I didn’t allow others to feel how much I cared about them either. In fact, on many occasions I had judged people and rejected them well before they had a chance to reject me. So in the end it was difficult to determine whether I was reacting to others or whether they were reacting to me. Who was actually abusing whom? These lines were no longer clear, but one thing was sure – none of it was love.
Bringing True Connection to Workplace Relationships
I have started a new role in the same organisation and, in this role and for the first time, I have put love first.
As a result of the changes that I have made to the way I connect with myself and with others, my life and workplace relationships are now truly amazing. There is a new closeness that I feel where no words are needed because the feeling of appreciation is so powerful that it is already expressed. There is an honesty and willingness to engage, to genuinely support each other and to bring true connection and tenderness to the workplace.
I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.
So… no love in business?! From the chaos that I have experienced with workplace relationships, I now know without any doubt that there must be love in business just as much as there must be love in all our relationships.
There is a work model here that revels in simplicity and beauty – love is our way forward and our workplace relationships need it too.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
by MAS
http://www.humanrights.gov.au/information-employers-fact-sheet-workplace-bullying
Further Reading:
Universal Medicine: Practical Applications in the Workplace
Self-Care at Work Does Make a Difference
Why Work? What Is Work About?
682 Comments
It is so easy to go into comparison and then the ensuing abusive behaviours, so could it be that we need to appreciate everyone’s ability to make there own Loving choices otherwise our thoughts can be abusive?
When love is the marker, everything around gets transformed
In my role, the majority of abuse occurs on a self level within the staff. By this, I mean that we can be so focused on caring for and supporting another that we forget to care for ourselves. I appreciate having come into this industry with a level of self-care so that I can set firm standards as to how and when and with whom I work with. Not from a demanding stance but from self-respect.
Saying no to abuse in the work place can be hard because it is so normal and most of the population just take it, being strong and saying no, whats not true takes guts but so so worth it.
Work, relationships and family all feel so much better when we apply ourselves to the Love we naturally are and bring that as a reflection so everyone has a choice to be the same.
Getting ourselves out of the way allows us to work for the bigger picture, when this happens everything is simple – if things are complicated it usually means we have brought in our own agenda.
When we don’t value ourselves we can’t expect others to value us either.
What comes to me reading this article about workplace abuse is that the abuse must start earlier in our lives. Bullying and abuse in the playground at school and at home that goes unchecked and is allowed to continue seems to carry on into adulthood and into the workplace.
and what I love about this article is that we have the power to change all of this and it’s through being more tender and loving with ourselves – amazing as i write this there is a pain from a scar on my hand where I pushed a rubber washer that had a glass tube in, it with force. This was late at night after coming back from a party when I was teenager. I had forgotten a part of the wine making process and felt the urgency to complete it and now have a circular scar in the palm of my hand – the old me would say ‘to show for it’ – a common phrase in those days, but now I see everything as a learning and this scar is a reminder of the disregard I was in on so many levels and allows me appreciation for the changes I’ve made, or aligned to, over the years.
Beautiful how one person changing their relationship with themselves can have such a powerful ripple effect and change every relationship in a workplace.
“I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.” This is brilliant – the thing I’ve found is that by making my life as loving as possible I’m actually ignited and my work is so much greater and so many more opportunities open up.
MAS, what you are sharing in this article is amazing. What a huge turnaround in how people related to each other in your workplace.
What a turn around by taking responsibility for how you were, and choosing to bring more care and love to your life, ‘As a result of the changes that I have made to the way I connect with myself and with others, my life and workplace relationships are now truly amazing. There is a new closeness that I feel where no words are needed because the feeling of appreciation is so powerful that it is already expressed. There is an honesty and willingness to engage, to genuinely support each other and to bring true connection and tenderness to the workplace.’
We spend much of our time at work, and the environment there will have an impact on our well-being, so how important is it to live in a way that takes care and honours ourselves and others, ‘In time I observed how people at work began to cherish a more collaborative and supportive work environment based on a new level of care and concern for individuals. ‘
There are patterns of behaviour that we have taken on that tell us how we are going to ‘keep ourselves safe’. If something has worked we keep with it and it builds to something we then guard. Yet what you introduce here is the potential to consider that the patterns of behaviour we think have been keeping us safe from being hurt, have actually been feeding the perception of the behaviour in others that means we feel we need to protect ourselves! Bonkers. One of the smartest ways to see if we have fallen for this, most pernicious behaviour, is to take a moment to deepen our self care and see what your eyes and body reveal!
What a beautiful blog. I feel I must have read it before but it felt like the first time. It is awesome how when we change our attitude people around us can change too and I love how this has happened in your situation. I feel caring for ourselves, bringing that deepening quality to ourselves, changes how we are with ourselves and how others then experience us and how we then appreciate others more too.
Interesting call MAS .. love in business! How do you communicate that to your management though? I’m not sure I could say more love is needed. I could go the angle there needs to be more care… The corporate consciousness feels like it is so embedded that love is so far from it because of the investment of self-identification in getting something back from work — “How can I control my role in the way that is fit for me?” Whether that be earning lots of money or just doing enough to get through the day or .. .. Most corporate relationships are based on – “I have something you need so, you must treat me this way before I give it to you.” So .. my experience for endearing love in business is giving another space while delivering what they need. If they need space the whole time you work with them then so be it!
Do we hold ourselves in protection, or allow ourselves to be open and transparent, and feel whatever – and all – of what is going on around us? Holding on and holding back drains us, but staying open, allowing ourselves to feel whatever is there to be felt – and staying with the body, not abandoning it out of fear or avoidance of what we can feel, helps us to hold steady and maintain a consistent level of energy and relationship with life.
Its so important that we take responsibility for our part – are we walking around with a wall of protection? Do we come across as aloof? Do we call out when something does not feel right? Do we observe how we are, how others are and bring understanding first rather than judgement? There is so much that we can do about this, and I would question just how much I allow these things to happen rather than pretending that they are just happening to me.
Whenever we dishonour the love we are in essence we say ‘yes’ to being an abuser.
There is no difference between our relationships with colleagues, to our relationships with friends and family in terms of the quality and how we respect one another. What you’ve also shown here is how we all contribute to abuse, in our own ways – either we allow it to come through us directly, or we contract and allow an enabling energy through us that allows it to continue – we are all responsible. Awesome to read how you’ve turned this around by making small but simple changes in how you relate to yourself, and others.
Especially given how much time we spend at work – 8 – 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. These relationships are so important to our everyday health and well being.
Yes we need to make our relationships at work about love as well and I have noticed that the more I work on this with myself the more my relationships at work open up and become truly supportive.
Yes, a loving relationship with self is a great foundation to build, ‘I now know without any doubt that there must be love in business just as much as there must be love in all our relationships.’
Thank you MAS, the statistics on workplace bullying don’t just show the presence of bullying but the absence of love. We definitely need to bring care, consideration, respect and openness into not just work but education, families, and communities, etc. We need love everywhere.
“I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.” Likewise its always been about getting ahead, taking the next step up so I am higher up the corporate ladder with more kudos and more responsibility. But without the love, what is the point? What if we have the whole model wrong and rather than how high we can climb, its how deep we can go that is really important?
And if we have the model wrong we will be placing our focus in the wrong area. We will look at how much we earn and the role we have as defining our self-worth. We will be dependent on others for how we feel about ourselves so when we get sacked, made redundant or have a spell out of work we question who we are and it becomes an existential crisis that never needed to be!