For most of my working life I have been involved in or surrounded by abusive or disharmonious workplace relationships. I tried over and over to escape from these situations but found that they presented again and again, just with a different face.
In my current workplace it is common to hear stories from staff members about situations of harassment and bullying. These employees generally stay in their jobs as the region is one of high unemployment.
It appears, however, that my own experience and those of my work colleagues are not isolated events. The Australian Human Rights Commission refers to international research which estimates that 400,000 to 2 million Australians will be harassed at work (in 2001) while 2.5 to 5 million will experience workplace harassment at some time during their career.[i]
These statistics are alarming and certainly highlight that the way we are relating with each other in the workplace is not a true way of living and relating as human beings.
Abuse in the Workplace
For many years working in this environment impacted upon my own health and general wellbeing. It felt ‘unsafe’ to be myself and I felt powerless to call abuse when it presented.
The abuse which I experienced took many different forms and included being spoken to harshly and publicly, slamming doors, being overly-demanding, setting unachievable goals, ridiculing, starting malicious rumours, denying a voice, discriminatory comments and exclusion from information that related to my role.
I would drive to work heavy hearted and worked through the day in extreme levels of anxiety, always documenting my tasks, responses and actions for the next occasion where I would come under scrutiny.
I did all I could to override the awfulness that I felt and succumbed to ways that allowed me to be easily controlled – to be silent, to do as I was told and to work fast and relentlessly. What I didn’t realise at the time was that this way of working was hurting me deeply.
In one instance the abuse built to an intolerable level and escalated when I injured myself at work. I was no longer able to handle the emotional abuse now that my body was in physical pain; I sought support from esoteric healing sessions with a number of different Universal Medicine practitioners.
The practitioners supported me to introduce gentleness and self-nurturing into my daily life and in time, love for myself started to expand. My thoughts were noticeably more sensitive and honouring of myself and others and my body didn’t need to hold itself in constant tension and protection in readiness for the ‘next attack’. Living like this had become unhealthy, not to mention draining on my energy levels.
Saying No to the Workplace Abuse
As I became more loving and tender with myself I started to see the world and people around me a little differently. I became much more aware of what was truly going on and I found that what felt like a personal attack from another, was really them reacting to something about themselves or something about their own lives. I found it much easier to say No to the abusive behaviour and could do so in a way that was firm and to the point, yet constructive and rational.
In time I observed how people at work began to cherish a more collaborative and supportive work environment based on a new level of care and concern for individuals. Many staff chose to socialise rather than stay behind closed doors and people were able to share more about how they were truly feeling.
This experience showed me a new way forward; the days of running from workplace conflict were over.
My Part in Workplace Abuse
Within this healing process I began to feel my part in all of this and questioned the role of my responses to abuse and whether I too had been an abuser. You see I always viewed myself as a victim and never as a perpetrator in any of these situations.
In each situation of conflict it always appeared that the other person was attacking, aggressive or rude towards me. However, I was failing to see that I was approaching people with a deep wall of protection in an attempt to not be hurt.
I didn’t allow people to see my sensitive, tender and loving side and I didn’t allow others to feel how much I cared about them either. In fact, on many occasions I had judged people and rejected them well before they had a chance to reject me. So in the end it was difficult to determine whether I was reacting to others or whether they were reacting to me. Who was actually abusing whom? These lines were no longer clear, but one thing was sure – none of it was love.
Bringing True Connection to Workplace Relationships
I have started a new role in the same organisation and, in this role and for the first time, I have put love first.
As a result of the changes that I have made to the way I connect with myself and with others, my life and workplace relationships are now truly amazing. There is a new closeness that I feel where no words are needed because the feeling of appreciation is so powerful that it is already expressed. There is an honesty and willingness to engage, to genuinely support each other and to bring true connection and tenderness to the workplace.
I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.
So… no love in business?! From the chaos that I have experienced with workplace relationships, I now know without any doubt that there must be love in business just as much as there must be love in all our relationships.
There is a work model here that revels in simplicity and beauty – love is our way forward and our workplace relationships need it too.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
by MAS
http://www.humanrights.gov.au/information-employers-fact-sheet-workplace-bullying
Further Reading:
Universal Medicine: Practical Applications in the Workplace
Self-Care at Work Does Make a Difference
Why Work? What Is Work About?
713 Comments
What comes to me reading this article about workplace abuse is that the abuse must start earlier in our lives. Bullying and abuse in the playground at school and at home that goes unchecked and is allowed to continue seems to carry on into adulthood and into the workplace.
and what I love about this article is that we have the power to change all of this and it’s through being more tender and loving with ourselves – amazing as i write this there is a pain from a scar on my hand where I pushed a rubber washer that had a glass tube in, it with force. This was late at night after coming back from a party when I was teenager. I had forgotten a part of the wine making process and felt the urgency to complete it and now have a circular scar in the palm of my hand – the old me would say ‘to show for it’ – a common phrase in those days, but now I see everything as a learning and this scar is a reminder of the disregard I was in on so many levels and allows me appreciation for the changes I’ve made, or aligned to, over the years.
Beautiful how one person changing their relationship with themselves can have such a powerful ripple effect and change every relationship in a workplace.
“I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.” This is brilliant – the thing I’ve found is that by making my life as loving as possible I’m actually ignited and my work is so much greater and so many more opportunities open up.
MAS, what you are sharing in this article is amazing. What a huge turnaround in how people related to each other in your workplace.
What a turn around by taking responsibility for how you were, and choosing to bring more care and love to your life, ‘As a result of the changes that I have made to the way I connect with myself and with others, my life and workplace relationships are now truly amazing. There is a new closeness that I feel where no words are needed because the feeling of appreciation is so powerful that it is already expressed. There is an honesty and willingness to engage, to genuinely support each other and to bring true connection and tenderness to the workplace.’
We spend much of our time at work, and the environment there will have an impact on our well-being, so how important is it to live in a way that takes care and honours ourselves and others, ‘In time I observed how people at work began to cherish a more collaborative and supportive work environment based on a new level of care and concern for individuals. ‘
There are patterns of behaviour that we have taken on that tell us how we are going to ‘keep ourselves safe’. If something has worked we keep with it and it builds to something we then guard. Yet what you introduce here is the potential to consider that the patterns of behaviour we think have been keeping us safe from being hurt, have actually been feeding the perception of the behaviour in others that means we feel we need to protect ourselves! Bonkers. One of the smartest ways to see if we have fallen for this, most pernicious behaviour, is to take a moment to deepen our self care and see what your eyes and body reveal!
What a beautiful blog. I feel I must have read it before but it felt like the first time. It is awesome how when we change our attitude people around us can change too and I love how this has happened in your situation. I feel caring for ourselves, bringing that deepening quality to ourselves, changes how we are with ourselves and how others then experience us and how we then appreciate others more too.
Interesting call MAS .. love in business! How do you communicate that to your management though? I’m not sure I could say more love is needed. I could go the angle there needs to be more care… The corporate consciousness feels like it is so embedded that love is so far from it because of the investment of self-identification in getting something back from work — “How can I control my role in the way that is fit for me?” Whether that be earning lots of money or just doing enough to get through the day or .. .. Most corporate relationships are based on – “I have something you need so, you must treat me this way before I give it to you.” So .. my experience for endearing love in business is giving another space while delivering what they need. If they need space the whole time you work with them then so be it!
Do we hold ourselves in protection, or allow ourselves to be open and transparent, and feel whatever – and all – of what is going on around us? Holding on and holding back drains us, but staying open, allowing ourselves to feel whatever is there to be felt – and staying with the body, not abandoning it out of fear or avoidance of what we can feel, helps us to hold steady and maintain a consistent level of energy and relationship with life.
This is deeply honest and it shows how we are a part of abuse as much as those who abuse us especially as we can often carry around that protective shell with others. The thing is no matter who does what in these situations there’s no love n either side. And so it comes back to simply making it about love in every single minute.
Its so important that we take responsibility for our part – are we walking around with a wall of protection? Do we come across as aloof? Do we call out when something does not feel right? Do we observe how we are, how others are and bring understanding first rather than judgement? There is so much that we can do about this, and I would question just how much I allow these things to happen rather than pretending that they are just happening to me.
Whenever we dishonour the love we are in essence we say ‘yes’ to being an abuser.
There is no difference between our relationships with colleagues, to our relationships with friends and family in terms of the quality and how we respect one another. What you’ve also shown here is how we all contribute to abuse, in our own ways – either we allow it to come through us directly, or we contract and allow an enabling energy through us that allows it to continue – we are all responsible. Awesome to read how you’ve turned this around by making small but simple changes in how you relate to yourself, and others.
Especially given how much time we spend at work – 8 – 10 hours per day, 5 days a week. These relationships are so important to our everyday health and well being.
Yes we need to make our relationships at work about love as well and I have noticed that the more I work on this with myself the more my relationships at work open up and become truly supportive.
Yes, a loving relationship with self is a great foundation to build, ‘I now know without any doubt that there must be love in business just as much as there must be love in all our relationships.’
Thank you MAS, the statistics on workplace bullying don’t just show the presence of bullying but the absence of love. We definitely need to bring care, consideration, respect and openness into not just work but education, families, and communities, etc. We need love everywhere.
“I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.” Likewise its always been about getting ahead, taking the next step up so I am higher up the corporate ladder with more kudos and more responsibility. But without the love, what is the point? What if we have the whole model wrong and rather than how high we can climb, its how deep we can go that is really important?
And if we have the model wrong we will be placing our focus in the wrong area. We will look at how much we earn and the role we have as defining our self-worth. We will be dependent on others for how we feel about ourselves so when we get sacked, made redundant or have a spell out of work we question who we are and it becomes an existential crisis that never needed to be!
“I didn’t allow people to see my sensitive, tender and loving side and I didn’t allow others to feel how much I cared about them either.” This is key. Often I get caught up in the task at hand and the customer’s request. This is ok but, if I am not appreciating what I am offering for being the tender sensitive man first connecting to them as a person before I offer them a service, my work feels empty. It is always about relationships at work – if it is not, my work day is not full (with love).
Imagine how many fights people have – now consider how many of us there are in huge corporations and offices. No wonder we don’t seem to enjoy being there – the energy is intense. But through our movements and quality we can offset all this stuff and bring Love. This after everything, is our job.
When we see ourselves as a victim, we are at the mercy of all that goes on around us. We anticipate trouble, being blamed, having to justify our work, or existence. It is an energy that runs through those who feel victims and those who are working hard not to be victims, without either party choosing to recognise the similarity of the bullying behaviour. Both are imposing but only one is blamed.
Having spent years justifying my existence and resenting the need I felt to do this I can now feel how imposing this was on others and how they benefit now that I am much more appreciative of my own worth and not looking for others to reinforce my sense of worth.
I really noticed that you didn’t start by blaming everyone else and calling them to account which is where we think we have to start. You started with you and your behaviour and seem to have been surprised at the ripple effect it had. That is inspiring.
And rather than going in like a bull in a China shop, without the livingness of what you might pull others up on, its a steady building of that quality in ourselves that people cannot help but feel and respect (or reject). Either way its builds in us and the reflection cannot be ignored.
Being loving in all our interactions with others and all that surrounds us is the true template for us living in harmony here on earth.
Thank you for sharing MAS, so inspiring to read the changes that have happened in your work place once you chose to not be a victim and start to observe what is actually going on around you, bringing self loving choices into your life opened you and others up to true loving connections.
MAS, it is awesome to read how much your workplace relationships changed from abusive to loving because you made changes to how you lived and how you were with people. I can relate to feeling like the victim and holding judgement against others. Letting go of this judgment and having understanding to what is going on feels deeply supportive. Thank you for sharing.
A toxic workplace environment is deeply harmful to everyone including those who abuse. If we had a focus on building the quality of workplace environments then we would see workplaces being more productive, have reduced sick days and increase on all levels- yet this common sense approach is thrown out the window when individual agendas come into play.
MAS, this is interesting to read; ‘I didn’t allow people to see my sensitive, tender and loving side and I didn’t allow others to feel how much I cared about them either. In fact, on many occasions I had judged people and rejected them well before they had a chance to reject me’. I can feel that it is so easy to blame others and see ourselves as the victims, rather than taking responsibility for how we are. If we are open, loving and caring with others first or if we wait for others to be caring and loving with us before we let go our protection.
‘love is our way forward – and our workplace relationships need it too’ … yes they do and when you consider that we often spend more time at work than we do in our home environments it would seem odd that we would want to have less than love at work … and yet the reality for most of us is that we do have less than love at work, and what strikes me today is how much protection we can all go into at work and how this impacts on all of us … comment really struck home ‘So in the end it was difficult to determine whether I was reacting to others or whether they were reacting to me’ … something for me to consider.
Simple banter with another that is making them lesser than the true light they are is abusive and I felt this the other day with a simple comment that had no love and was actually denigrating. So ‘don’t give up your day job’ was a love-less comment that felt terrible to the person and in reflection it also felt terrible in my body. It is so easy to drop into old patterns that make us all feel lesser than so why go there why not simply appreciate and expand our awareness?
Change comes about as we feel more in our bodies and when we express it is important to have developed an understanding of what energy feels like so we can re-main-connected to our essences and not our head. Then we deliver or express from a body-filled with wisdom that blesses and takes away the dis-regard energetically and this is so easily felt.
MAS, I love how you have taken responsibility for how you are in your workplace relationships. I can feel that it is easy to blame others and not look at how we ourselves are being; ‘I didn’t allow people to see my sensitive, tender and loving side and I didn’t allow others to feel how much I cared about them either.’
Workplace abuse takes many forms, some overt, and some covert, but nevertheless the culture of any workplace should not allow any form of abuse.
MAS this is amazing what you share is something for us all to reflect on – we have all have the ability to stand up and say no to abuse and until we do the nastiness we appose will continue to affect us and all those around us.
I do notice that when I am more open and light hearted it becomes infectious. Exactly the same if I am withdrawn and just functioning through till home time. We have an affect on people greater than we appreciate or take notice of.
I have recently discovered just how powerful it is to let go of judgement for co-workers who are being abusive and bullying others, and realise how they can react to the energy of judgement of them as much as when I reflect to them a way of living with more love. Because when we fail to see people’s true essence first and instead only see the junk that layers over that based on that person’s past hurts, it creates a back and forth struggle that can be dissolved by holding them in love and understanding, just as MAS has done in a miraculous way.
MAS, I love this, it is beautiful to read that you are putting love first, how amazing would our work places be if we all did this – putting love, support and people first and career progression and profits after this; ‘I was once motivated by career progression but now my focus is on living lovingly each and every day.’
A very inspiring article. Thank you MAS
What is true is that we have to to stand up at some stage, we do have to say no, enough is enough. And bullying can be subtle, or it can be overt, where ever and whenever it happens sometime we inevitably have to say no.
I have too experienced abuse and bullying. Coming to the understanding that with all the abuse I have experienced, I can see how I have contributed to them by playing the victim role and by allow abuse to take place. Once I started to stand up to abuse, it was liberating and saying no to abuse is deeply empowering and healing.
Currently the ways we are at work, how we are with each other does not work. If they did we would not have the levels of abuse that we do. We also know that this has been a problem for a very long time and that many solutions have been offered, providing little if any success. Solutions are outcome driven rather than looking at the cause of what is happening for people. We don;t often associate the words love and work together but maybe it’s worth giving love a go.
I have found observing and not absorbing situations particularly in my workplace as not only a deeper understanding of how we all work as a team but also how we each have different qualities and abilities to share too. Observing our surroundings gives us a greater scope for understanding others and also we are then able to feel what is truly going on anywhere at anytime.
When we make work about people and not just about ourselves and what we can get out of it, our entire relationship with work changes and expands. I would say our issues with how others are at work is a result of our collective attitude of making work about ourselves and not about everyone