When I say ‘my family,’ what I am referring to is my immediate family: my partner of 27 years and our sixteen-year-old son. The relationships that we share within our family have changed beyond recognition, and I feel impulsed to share a little about how these changes have come about, because I know that to be in true relationship with one another is what we all so desperately crave.
There’s a dinner that we shared that stands out for me and not, unfortunately, because of how great it was. It was about seven years ago now, and I had started to become very aware of how little quality time we spent together as a family. ‘The boys’ tended to eat separately to me: I would eat my meals in the kitchen in front of the computer and the boys would eat in the living room, in front of the telly.
At the time I put it down to the fact that we generally ate different things and at different times but now, looking back, I can see that it had much more to do with the fact that we were all choosing to check out whilst we ate, rather than to connect with one another. So, spurred on to instigate more quality family time, I suggested that we have a few meals together in the kitchen. The analogy ‘pulling hen’s teeth’ comes to mind, however, reluctantly, very reluctantly, they both agreed.
Sitting down and sharing a meal was, for us, often uncomfortable. On the rare occasions when we did (which was usually only when we ate out), it would invariably end up with our son doing or saying something that derailed the whole evening. At the time my partner and I thought that he was just being difficult, but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer.
So, to make this particular meal more comfortable and to aid the flow of conversation, I assembled a collection of photos that I hoped would be good ‘conversation starters.’ I think I managed to share two of the photos before being heckled into submission. The conversation then reverted to what had become our default conversation topic: ‘football.’
It would have been so incredibly easy to just give up. The inertia in those early days was a veritable force, and one that I would have gladly backed down from, had the alternative not been worse. But the alternative was worse, far worse: it was to continue as we were, living life as three separate human beings, albeit under the same small roof. What’s fascinating is that up until pretty much that exact point I would have put my hand on the Bible and sworn that we were a close and loving family.
But that is the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.
The truth about our family relationships was just one of many truths that had been revealed since starting to align to The Ageless Wisdom through Universal Medicine. The beliefs that I had previously encased myself in had started to fall away and, as uncomfortable as it was at times, more and more of the truth was gradually being revealed.
However, although my intention was to bring a deeper level of connection to our family, I often lacked a deeper level of connection with myself. And as it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others, it meant that my attempts were thwarted before they’d even begun. The main saboteur to my connection with myself was judgement – I was steeped in the stuff. I didn’t even need to open my mouth for others to feel the scorn of my judgement: it seeped from my pores.
Manipulation and control rode on the back of judgement to produce a nasty combination that ensured that ‘quality’ was nowhere to be seen. For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed. What a setup. Really, what an ugly setup, and one that guaranteed that my partner would never come to bed because, seriously, who would?
So those early years of trying to instigate change were difficult, very difficult indeed, and for all of us. The boys had their ways of dealing with life and I was trying to haul them away from their tried and tested ways of coping.
The game-changer came in a single sentence during an esoteric healing session. I was talking about my struggle with the amount of time that my son spent on his screens and the practitioner said, “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?
It was from that point on that I started to get honest about what I was really communicating with my family and I did this by getting very honest about what it was that I was communicating with my body, something that I hadn’t, up until then, been choosing to pay attention to.
If, for example, I was about to bowl into my son’s room and interrogate him about what he was watching, then when possible, I stopped myself. When I felt myself ‘too busy’ to stop properly and greet my partner when he came in from work then again, to the best of my ability, I would stop what I was doing and be present with him. When I felt the next thing on my to-do list pulling me away from lingering on my son’s bed, I would resist the urge to jump up and instead commit to a few minutes more of gentle touch. And although my body could not always be convincing in what I wanted to communicate, this stage was a very necessary one.
In some ways it has been a slow process, but in another way it’s been quick, especially considering how profound the changes have been. My family feels completely different now, and both my son and my partner have changed beyond recognition, as have I. What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.
It feels like we’ve all gone from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves. The rather dead staleness that I found so suffocating in our relationships before has been replaced with an aliveness that is palpable. An aliveness that starts with each of us, and one that we then bring into our relationships with all others.
As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.
And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.
Published with permission of my son and partner.
By Alexis Stewart, disability support worker, yoga teacher, massage therapist, mother, partner, self-appointed cheerleader for humanity, woman whose identity as an individual seems to be fading fast
Further Reading:
True Relationship with Self
Honouring the Purpose of Family
From Family Madness to a Miracle Re-union
428 Comments
This is a great sharing
“Sitting down and sharing a meal was, for us, often uncomfortable. On the rare occasions when we did (which was usually only when we ate out), it would invariably end up with our son doing or saying something that derailed the whole evening. At the time my partner and I thought that he was just being difficult, but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer.”
So often when we sit down with people we talk about the weather, the day we may have had or a particular incident from the day. It’s not often that we can sit down and actually express what is going on and how we are feeling. We don’t really say anything and keep life at a superficial level. It’s a bit like the analogy of having a big White Elephant in the room and everyone is determined to ignore it and pretend it is not there. So to expose what sitting down and sharing a meal together was like is the first step in unpicking the fabric of life we have fallen for.
When we walk in the appreciation of our essences then every relationship will become more intimate as we can never be appreciative without intimacy!
and we can’t be intimate without also being appreciative. Intimacy and appreciation knit each other closer together. How beautiful is that?
Thank you Alexis for the inspiration to deepen our relationship with every conversation we share.
And thank you Mary for reminding me this morning that every conversation that I have is an opportunity to go deeper in my relationship with myself as well as with the person I am conversing with. My body can be a tool to take things deeper or I can use it to maintain the status quo and fortify the illusion. It is my choice and it is one that I am making in each and every moment.
” “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is such a great reminder for me. Reflection is everything. Our body speaks louder than our words.
Yes . It is said we communicate far more with our body language than with our words. Our movements say so much. When we learn to read energy again – as we did when young – we pick up so much.
Loved re-reading your blog Alexis. “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I’m about to visit my grandchildren – And yes absolutely – my body and my movements speak louder than my words
In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm. Therefore what each of us is acutely aware of, albeit unconsciously is those who are moving with God and those who are not.
Alexis your comment is to me like a bomb going off
“In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm.”
And this is what we do, we move out of rhythm with God which keeps us in the separation to him so that we can create our own rhythm which is individuality, just because we can. This is the bomb going off because it clearly shows to me our arrogance and lack of responsibility as we are Gods living as un-Gods.
And Mary it takes constant effort for a God to live as an un-God and the crazy thing is we refer to that constant effort as ‘our life’ including all of the so called ‘good bits’. The things we champion, the things we celebrate, the things we strive for are actually all the things that keep us out of rhythm with God. It’s absolutely crazy when you really consider what’s going on.
Isn’t it amazing and also incredibly sad that we can live with people or a person yet there is no deep connection or expression of how we feel or are feeling? It is like people living in the same space but just doing their own thing. I have a feeling this is currently a bit of an epidemic! We have so much to learn, explore and heal with regards to all of our relationships.
I couldn’t agree more Vicky. We are living in an energetic ocean of what amounts to the most intimate of relationships and yet we are keeping pretty much everyone at arms length. This is a tragedy that most are consciously unaware of. We are One undivided energetic mass of God and yet we behave like separate fragments.
Yes. Seeing couples and or families together, yet they are often all on their screens. No meaningful communication at all. No connection. Sad
Sue, this is something I’m very aware of too. But I’m also very aware that I can very easily go into judgement and also sadness when I see people on their screens and judgement and sadness are just as destructive as checking out on a screen.
I reconnected tonight with members of my family I have not seen for years, it was at a funeral and many of us have not seen each for a long long time. The love felt between us all was undeniable and reinforced what I know to be truth – that time is irrelevant when it comes to love
The timelessness of love is a beautiful thing indeed.
Absolutely Gill, it starts with ourselves, bringing responsibility and connection to ourself first.
I love the frankness of your writing, and yes it starts with self, ‘it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others’.
Having an ideas and beliefs about what a romantic relationship or a family relationship looks like is the best way to set our selfs up to fail.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is pure gold. We are expressing all the time – with our movements and how we are – words not being necessary – but judgment can be felt. I need to remember this today. So very apt that I chose to read your blog just now. Thankyou.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.” This is beautiful Alexis. Bringing honesty and openness to all our relationships pays huge dividends.
Alexis again you have written a blog with such openness and honesty that we can all relate to. Especially when you say
“going from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves.”
This is a great reflection of how most of us live and have accepted how life is. But you are showing us there is so much more to life and our relationships and we are all missing out on the fullness that life can be.
And what I am experiencing everywhere I go is that when a person is connected to their natural multidimensional ways then it really helps others who are living one dimensionally to crack the mould and to wake up to their innate never ending multi layered beingness. We are all made from the fabric of God and the fabric of God is forever re-inventing itself, not in a distracted way but in the most exquisite going deeper into itself way.
When you have the choice to live in an ever-expanding world or continue to believe the world is flat, should not even be an option, but is still chosen.
I know what you mean Alexis I have a friend who has THE most gorgeous feel and quality about her, I love to see her and just bath in the quality of her essence which is the multidimensional quality of heaven which s a constant reminder that I can be this way to it is always a choice.
So beautifully shared, one of the lovely quotes is that “And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.” This is incredible and so inspiring.
I love this quote too. Every relationship we have can deepen – if we choose.
Alexis, I love your honesty with what you are sharing here; ‘For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed.’ I can feel reading this how we behave in a certain way and that because we can think we are right we do not notice how unloving our behaviours truly are.
Our bodies will always tell us and others what we’re communicating, our heads will always dress it up to be something else.
‘I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?’ Reading this I can feel how easy it is for us to judge others rather than look at how we are and what quality we are choosing.
Rebecca you are spot on we prefer to blame others for our woes rather than to look at ourselves to check the quality we are choosing to interact with.
The deeper we can connect with self, the deeper we can connect with another. Often we seek the connection first from the outside, but this is really the distraction to keep us away from truly deepening within.
Only one domino needs to fall to knock the other ones over – amazing how one person’s choices can still affect so many others. This of course works for good things but also for the not so good things too!
It is interesting to feel how comfortable we can get in certain family situations that do not support us, and yet we are attached to the drama or situation and holding onto it by playing the game for some strange reason. I can certainly speak from experience and it takes a bit to crack these patterns! Thank you Alexis for your sharing!
Henrietta what if the patterns you speak of are so ingrained from previous lives? I have discovered it takes someone who is not in any pattern or or addictions from past lives to expose the game being played out on a worldwide scale. Because they are not invested in the game they can expose the entirety of what is playing out so that others can extract themselves from the unreality we have bought into.
This is very inspiring to read Alexis … one person can make a huge difference – because now there is three of you who have changed, each one of you will now be inspiring others and so the ripple effect continues.
Beautifully shared Paula – and this is something I see as a domino effect where one brick holds the power to affect all others.
‘In some ways it has been a slow process, but in another way it’s been quick, especially considering how profound the changes have been.’ I love this quote as a reminder and inspiration to continue to understand the falsehood of time and the truth about space and the magic that happens in it.
Love and space go hand in hand.
‘ What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.’ Coming back to this blog again I am as equally inspired as the first time I read it. The level of commitment you show here Alexis to bring about meaningful change for all of you is totally awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Pure gold.
Thanks Michelle.
Gill realising the massive part that I was playing in how the relationships within the family were, took a lot of the pressure off me and of course everybody else because my focus switched from what everybody else was doing or not doing and turned to me and of course it was me and only me that I was able to really do anything about.
I can relate to this at home but also at work as it is so easy to get distracted by a multitude of different things. My day will be so different if I stop and bring the whole of myself into the interaction with other people.
I agree Alexandra, when I remember I try to be consciously with my body when I am with others. I’d say that I actually forget most of the time but when I do remember it feels completely different.
Gill brilliant point, its up to us to learn how we’ve been and make a change.
” The rather dead staleness that I found so suffocating in our relationships before has been replaced with an aliveness that is palpable.” I can so relate to this its what I now have as the very basic foundation to my marriage and our relationship and with that also with our kids, work and family.
And that ‘aliveness’ is where our true learning and potential is. There is nothing stale, but endless fresh opportunities to learn. What is not to love in that?
‘ The main saboteur to my connection with myself was judgement – I was steeped in the stuff.’ hummm I can relate, and also to the dropping of judgement of myself is also a huge blessing for everyone around me too.
‘The rather dead staleness…’ This feels endemic in life as a whole, this rather dead staleness. I love how you and your family have chosen to rise up out of this dead staleness, Alexis, to begin replacing it ‘with an aliveness that is palpable.’ Goes to show how even when we have fallen into the trap of accepting that the dead staleness is just the way it is, we can choose to choose again.
It is very revealing when as a family it feels uncomfortable to sit down and share a meal together, revealing in how our relationships with each other really are, it is a moment when it is kind of in our face and we cannot ignore how we have been living with each other (or of course we can choose to ignore it … which is why it is uncomfortable eating dinner together in the first place!). But as you have showed here, when willing anything can change and be healed.
“My family” – is anyone aligned to love.
Does that rule out everybody that’s not?
I love that you ask this question, Alexis, because it stopped me in my tracks.
How do we hold those who are not aligned to love? How do I hold those who are not aligned to love? As I work through and release what is keeping me separated from brotherhood, I am finding that, one person and their reflection at a time, I am healing the hurt within me that is keeping love at bay and in the process find I can lovingly allow others to simply be where they are at. As these experiences unfold it’s no surprise that there is often a correlation to various relationships I have with my birth family that are also being brought to the fore to be healed. Being able to work with and move through these relationship lessons rather than fighting or ignoring them is revealing to me the path of return to true brotherhood as long as I allow the expansion to continue unhindered.
Do I rule out the potential of all others who are not aligned to love? For me this certainly has been the case in the past where in my experience ‘love’ was aligning to those who I got on with, who had similar likes, tastes and even opinions as well as backgrounds. But the true meaning of brotherhood flips all that on its head and is asking me to not just be more, but to be the all that I already am. Not there yet, but working on it!
That’s the arrogance of us humans for you, deciding who is worthy of our love and attention. Whereas God Just loves the lot of us equally and that’s that.
Wow, Zofia. This blows the standard definition of family to pieces. I know ‘families’ who are anything but aligned to love yet still insist they are family because of blood ties. Your comment brings family into the true meaning of brotherhood where blood ties have nothing to do with the alignment of love.
In fact keeping our mouth shut can often speak volumes in itself, especially if we pay attention to the shape of the person’s lips who’s keeping their mouth (tightly?) shut.
We are all here to hold and cherish everyone else. No doubt when we do we see there’s no divide between us all.
Boom! Not until we lay our arms down can the utter truth of your words be felt and heard, Ariana. ‘No divide and no separation, only what we put in place to keep others out.’
It is so true we are all communicating constantly with our movements they can either be open to others or communicating our judgements.
Movements also convey whether we are moving in step with God or out of step with God.
Agreed Fiona and it is precisely because we are so unaware of our bodies that we are so unaware of our state of being.
Gorgeous to read the truth that is possible in families. We can all too often be masked my the roles of family before putting first the fact that love is not about being nice or controlling but about being able to deepen each other through honesty and true relationships.
‘There is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.’ Beautifully said, the moment we think we have got ‘it’ then we have limited the love we are. I know for me this is then where complication comes in as essentially we are saying that’s enough, whilst at the same time the Universe is expanding meaning if you want to be love you to also have to and so to stay the same means the level of love essentially lessens. And it is a joy when each day you can awake to your partner with the sense and feeling that you love them more deeply today than yesterday.
Man it’s great you had your own healing of your own hurts in this process. Imagine if you didn’t. No wonder domestic violence and abuse is so rife in this world at the moment.
True Gill and from there miracles can happen.
What we currently refer to as ‘miracles’ are set to become everyday occurrences.
Thank you for your honest sharing about your family. Judgements on others will never bring true change, it makes us hard and we will hold on to what we believe needs (our need) to change. True change will come from us accepting what is there and being aware that a change comes from within. It should be always an offering. What I’ve learned in my family life when we come from judgement we are imposing on others what we miss in ourselves.
Believes about family, or any topic in life, are often illusions: they keep us in doing things that are often not right, or truthful. Often when an illusion is cracked, I feel really uncomfortable, but I now that is part of evolution: falling out of illusions.
It would be great if we were all taught at school about energy and how it plays out. But failing that, just discussing the factor of judgement would be so empowering. It’s everywhere in this world and while we cannot get rid of it just like that we can see it for what it truly is.
That will be the day when schools would teach us about energy. It is something I clearly missed out on and am learning about now in my adult life. Bringing it up as a topic with others whether grownups or children gives insight in what happens in between us and provides an opening for understanding and a deeper connection.
And ultimately there will be the day when schools won’t need to teach us about energy because we are masters of it already and we will be choosing to live in a way that doesn’t interfere with our natural and innate understanding of it.
A beautiful sharing about how we can change our family lives by bringing in the quality with everything especially our movements and the effects this has is beautifull to observe and be part of and very inspiring.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” How different the world would be if we were all aware of this and then actually lived it.
We do know it, we just choose not to be consciously aware of it because if we did we’d be calling ourselves out for choosing to move against the grain of God.
So true Alexis, and there is so much that we do know but often we choose to play a game where we convince ourselves that we don’t know much at all. For example, when we don’t know who we are or who God is and we might even travel the world looking high and low and most likely getting lost along the way. The truth is we have access to a greater intelligence all along.
Everything is constantly changing especially our relationships. When we remain relating in the same way we are often not challenging each other to go deeper and we lose out at experiencing more intimacy.
I have just shared a few days with my immediate family it is something we have been doing for a few years now. Everyone looks forward to the time we will spend together, we go for long walks, go shopping and visit the local attractions in the area but most of all we enjoy each others company. We have come a long way from the bitchiness and spitefulness, jealousy, envy, comparison that got in the way of developing a true relationship with each other. We know that we all bring something different to the family get together and these qualities are to be valued and they are. I know in my heart that this deep level of sisterly love and understanding would not have been remotely possible if it wasn’t for the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine they have supported me to know myself and in that knowing I can relate to not only my family but all others in a much more loving way.
How beautiful Mary.
‘…there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another…’ this is so brilliant and inspiring… for every depth of openness and engagement we have with ourselves or someone else, there is the all that is still to be explored. I love it.
Connection with ourselves and the quality and way we live in our family and relationships is everything and the more we build and claim this with ourselves the more beautiful it becomes .
Agreed Tricia, the ‘connection with myself and the quality and way that I used to live’ was very much like a dried up and wizened old tree root but through the constant nourishment of self care and now self love that dried up old tree root feels like it has flourished into an abundant tree.
Being aware of what we communicate with our bodies – we register so much more than another’s words, and if their body language, the way they move, doesn’t match the words because they’re not being lived by that body, it’s easy to ignore or dismiss what’s being said.
Absolutely, we can register so much through what is communicated through our body. We can sit in a conversation and not open our mouth and people in the conversation can feel if there is judgement coming from us or an openness and acceptance.
Our body is the only part of us that registers anything.
The start of bringing a big change can often feel so slow that it is easy to give up as nothing changes but it is worth it to hang in there and keep uncovering the next steps as the more we keep going the more easy it gets.
Yes, that’s true. In the beginning it felt similar to a very old slow locomotive train that could hardly move and yet now there’s a little bit of a rhythm, a bit more of a clickety-clack of the wheels on the track and it feels like it’s slowly gaining momentum all the time.
So true and always make it about the basics and the other things come around with them.
Alexis, this is really important; ‘it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others.’ I have found that I need to care for and love myself first in order to care for and love others and so working on my connection with myself then naturally allows for deeper, more honest connection with my family.
I recognize this too Alexis: the illusion that we are doing the right thing, holding it as a strong belief. And indeed sometimes takes another to destruct such an illusion. For me that can feel very uncomfortable, as the belief gave a sort of certainty, but the in the end I always welcome this destruction. So I remove this block to move on and evolve further to a life based on love.
The awareness offered here can be applied to all sorts of situations in life. Reading this for example has been an inspiration for how I can be with those I live with, those I share a building with, those I work with. The possibilities of application of the wisdom offered is huge.
When you really stop to think about it, it is a very interesting thing to consider that you can coexist under the one roof and not really be connected to one another.
What’s more incredible is that so many people coexist under the one roof and hate the people who they live with (and I’m definitely including family in this statement).
It is not an exaggeration to say that often our time at the table is when we all are in the same place at the same time, if we do not do that as a household, we would miss out on that connection. This would have a major impact in our relationships, it is super lovely to all catch up and take time to reflect on how we are going and learn from our day.
Everything that we see, we see through the eyes of ourselves.
Love in one person promotes love in another because love will always recognises itself.
I have an amazing and deeply loving family – but I value them only as much as I value myself. When I am truly honouring myself – I can see my family for the amazing strength and love they all are.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas”. This has been such a killer for me and can still get me. Who painted those pictures in the first place anyway – so why on earth am I being so loyal to them? It’s crazy—and deeply damaging.
It makes sense Alexis how you describe our judgement of self and others as the basis of living in separation from others. Highlighting how our own lack of self acceptance can be fighting how we actually can live harmoniously with others.
Ariana that feels very beautiful.
“My Family” – a family only in the presence of love and a loving hold, no matter the people in it.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” It is so easy for us to forget about our bodies when we communicate with another, and there is a tendency to put all the emphasis on what we express through our voice. But even the way we speak conveys so much about how we are. Our body literally does communicate everything which makes it so vital that we actaully stay connected to it all the time, so that we are fully aware of what we are communicating.
I am always amazed at the changes that occur when just one person in the family initiates their own self development. Just the choice to bring in one act of love can start a domino effect that over time completely transforms the whole family dynamic. It is an awesome game to play within our selves, to see how long it takes for each transformation to have an effect.
The scene you describe at the start of your article, is the same what you are seeing at restaurants: people spend more time looking at their phones, than at each other. Even on a date! So your phone is more interesting than your Partner?
Nope but my phone feels safer than what being with my partner will potentially bring up.
As I relinquish control (previously excused by me for all sorts of reasons), I have to face the momentum of the way I set things up and yes it can be ugly to start with. I like what you say, Alexis, about how easy it would be to give up, but that there comes a point where the idea of living in the old patterns is way worse than a period of realisation and reconfiguration.
Yep so true Matilda, for a long time there, I felt very much stuck between a rock and hard place, in that continuing the way that we had been was simply not an option and yet trying to introduce change (in the way that I was), was also such a struggle. It would be fascinating to see how things would have panned out, had I simply presented love consistently from the beginning of wanting to instigate change. No recrimination here, just musings.
Our bodies communicate everything. There is nothing that the body does not experience, and therefore its every movement is what we have made it.
Thank you for letting us into your life Alexis. I love the honesty with which you share here and that you didn’t give up or give in. Initiating change from within you was what enabled your outer experience to change. What a great reflection of this.
Being in control and manipulation is intense and squashes any opportunity for connection. When I’m communicating from this, I’m sure my family want to run and duck for cover. I don’t blame them. Last night, after listening to a parenting teenagers podcast I got a greater understanding of what goes on for my sons in the world of gaming. It’s amazing how energy works. When I went upstairs, my son didn’t know what I had listened to but obviously he could feel a change in me. He shared with me all about a particular game he played and I got to understand so much more it was incredible. All because I dropped the judgement and was open to listen. Judgement I feel is from a lack of understanding so when I am in judgement I know there is a detail I don’t understand.
I smiled when reading this part about collecting the photos – for conversation. So many times have I entered with a solution in to a situation that I decided was broken, only to discover that all we ever needed was some space to shift and to change.
Giving another space, provides them with the freedom to move, hemming them in with judgement and conditions is like asking them to spread out in a coffin.
I have also tried unsuccessfully to instigate meals to connect when the connection has clearly been lost. The key is to have that connection within yourself first and not expect everyone else to bring it. Your exploration and willingness to let go of judgment and control are very inspiring and clearly needed. No one wants to connect if they are feeling the imposition of judgment or expectations.
We think that the changes in our life go slowly, and in a way they are as it is the body that has to adjust to the new way of living and before it can do so it has to reconfigure itself, but when we look to a lifetime, or the many lives we have lived, a change over a few years is negligible.
Nico I have discovered that we need to be gentle with ourselves as our bodies adjust to the changes we are making that sometimes they need more rest as we are unraveling many lives where we have not been living in a way that was true to our bodies so there are movements that need to be let go of and new movements to adjust to. By listening intently to our bodies we can have such a grander understanding of ourselves and where we come from.
It’s only difficult to make a change if we are trying from our mind instead of making the change within by healing our hurts. Then the changes we longed for just suddenly materialise without any effort.
We can’t change anything with our minds but we can change everything with our bodies.
One of the more poisonous ideals we get lumbered with is the idea that things between us and other people should be comfortable and easy. Tension, discomfort and awkwardness are all healthy parts of evolving ~ the true purpose of any group.
So many of us have become almost paranoid about tension arising in relationships, be that with our partners, with our friends or in our friendship circles. We avoid any kind of disturbance at all costs, fearing the effect that it might have and seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship. And I for one believed that if there was a lack of outward disturbance then this was an indication that the relationship was a good one. Wrong on every count!
Great sharing Alexis. You expose a way of living together as a family that for many people are common, while it is not.
It is apparent that how we are with ourselves is the foundation to how we receive life. If we are ready to judge and quick to assume and not hugely happy – then we react to others rather than embracing each other and letting love in.
It is obvious that how we are with ourselves, struggling or at ease, that this will be reflected in our appearance, our body posture but to in how we communicate and interact in relationships. We think we can have different lives, internal and external separated, but that is an illusion we cannot fulfil.
‘We think we can have different lives, internal and external separated, but that is an illusion we cannot fulfil.’ This is so beautiful, Nico. Trying to fulfil such an illusion is exactly what we have spent many, many lifetimes on and the energy we have expended trying to keep the internal and external separated one lifetime after another has left us in a depleted, dehydrated and contracted mess. The tension we experience deepens the more we try to separate the two and the more we feel the tension the more energy we expend denying it is so.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” – absolutely because it is how we are with our bodies that determine the quality of what is spoken
Hear hear Zofia! If we love and care for our body than that’s what people get… and of course if we don’t then they equally receive that, without any words spoken.
The concept of family and what it looks like are abundant, and in general the nature of an exclusive group that is called family is limiting those in that group. Family is for me very wide and includes many people whom I dearly call my family even though we have no blood or marriage relationships.
Loving and appreciating the raw, unapologetic honesty and beauty of your sharing, Alexis.
Thank you Brigette.
Very inspiring Alexis, how you chose to look at your own way of being in order to bring change within your family, and not to lay the blame on the those around you as the reason why you all felt uncomfortable in each others company when there were no other distractions.
I feel a bit like a one-dimensional cardboard cut out of myself lately so this is inspiring me to look at why, as the alternate to stay like this would be unbearable in the long run.
A beautiful sharing of the love we are and want to live and the depth and quality of this that can be in all our relationships with our movements saying everything and offering the reflection needed at the time .
Yes, we can never underestimate a choice that supports us no matter how small we think it is. It is the building of every loving choice that counts and that every loving choice is to be greatly appreciated before we move on to the next.
The concept of things either being ‘big or small’ is often incredibly misleading, especially when we go in search of so called ‘bigger things’ and brush over things that we consider to be ‘small and insignificant’.
I know that feeling of what’s the point creeping in yet I cannot give up on myself no matter who they are or what they are doing. It is living in a way that is constantly offering; no judgement, no imposing, no control but holding myself in the love that I am.
Beliefs can keep us trapped and going round in cycles, and hide us from truth.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” Love this blog, thank you Alexis for setting out so simply and beautifully how easily we can let go off that amazing and super-wise body communication, with ideals and pictures of how things should look or be.
I love your honesty and the description of your evening routine I can totally imagine. It isn’t until we see our own contribution that we can truly start to make changes. And I agree the body is key as we can communicate one thing with our voice and a whole other thing with our bodies. We can say we say all the right things and it is the other persons fault that it does not work but we need to be honest with ourselves in what we are truly saying. Of course never saying yes to abuse but just seeing our own contribution.
What’s interesting is that although we can say one thing with our words, we can also communicate something completely different with the tone of our voice. I used to use a hushed tone to cover up the fact that I was really irritated. The ironic thing is, my hushed tone was the give away to the irritation that was breaking out underneath it.
When we are caught up in images of how has it to be, we are oblivious of what our body communicates and in reaction to the others´reactions to our own reactions. It is the perfect set up.
It is the perfect set up, Eduardo. Reacting to the reaction of those we are in reaction to. So convoluted and complicated that it keeps us in reaction and conveniently oblivious to how convoluted and complicated we have made and continue to allow life to be and that it is us and only us who have perfected the art of deceiving ourselves.
‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!’
Sir Walter Scott