When I say ‘my family,’ what I am referring to is my immediate family: my partner of 27 years and our sixteen-year-old son. The relationships that we share within our family have changed beyond recognition, and I feel impulsed to share a little about how these changes have come about, because I know that to be in true relationship with one another is what we all so desperately crave.
There’s a dinner that we shared that stands out for me and not, unfortunately, because of how great it was. It was about seven years ago now, and I had started to become very aware of how little quality time we spent together as a family. ‘The boys’ tended to eat separately to me: I would eat my meals in the kitchen in front of the computer and the boys would eat in the living room, in front of the telly.
At the time I put it down to the fact that we generally ate different things and at different times but now, looking back, I can see that it had much more to do with the fact that we were all choosing to check out whilst we ate, rather than to connect with one another. So, spurred on to instigate more quality family time, I suggested that we have a few meals together in the kitchen. The analogy ‘pulling hen’s teeth’ comes to mind, however, reluctantly, very reluctantly, they both agreed.
Sitting down and sharing a meal was, for us, often uncomfortable. On the rare occasions when we did (which was usually only when we ate out), it would invariably end up with our son doing or saying something that derailed the whole evening. At the time my partner and I thought that he was just being difficult, but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer.
So, to make this particular meal more comfortable and to aid the flow of conversation, I assembled a collection of photos that I hoped would be good ‘conversation starters.’ I think I managed to share two of the photos before being heckled into submission. The conversation then reverted to what had become our default conversation topic: ‘football.’
It would have been so incredibly easy to just give up. The inertia in those early days was a veritable force, and one that I would have gladly backed down from, had the alternative not been worse. But the alternative was worse, far worse: it was to continue as we were, living life as three separate human beings, albeit under the same small roof. What’s fascinating is that up until pretty much that exact point I would have put my hand on the Bible and sworn that we were a close and loving family.
But that is the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.
The truth about our family relationships was just one of many truths that had been revealed since starting to align to The Ageless Wisdom through Universal Medicine. The beliefs that I had previously encased myself in had started to fall away and, as uncomfortable as it was at times, more and more of the truth was gradually being revealed.
However, although my intention was to bring a deeper level of connection to our family, I often lacked a deeper level of connection with myself. And as it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others, it meant that my attempts were thwarted before they’d even begun. The main saboteur to my connection with myself was judgement – I was steeped in the stuff. I didn’t even need to open my mouth for others to feel the scorn of my judgement: it seeped from my pores.
Manipulation and control rode on the back of judgement to produce a nasty combination that ensured that ‘quality’ was nowhere to be seen. For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed. What a setup. Really, what an ugly setup, and one that guaranteed that my partner would never come to bed because, seriously, who would?
So those early years of trying to instigate change were difficult, very difficult indeed, and for all of us. The boys had their ways of dealing with life and I was trying to haul them away from their tried and tested ways of coping.
The game-changer came in a single sentence during an esoteric healing session. I was talking about my struggle with the amount of time that my son spent on his screens and the practitioner said, “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?
It was from that point on that I started to get honest about what I was really communicating with my family and I did this by getting very honest about what it was that I was communicating with my body, something that I hadn’t, up until then, been choosing to pay attention to.
If, for example, I was about to bowl into my son’s room and interrogate him about what he was watching, then when possible, I stopped myself. When I felt myself ‘too busy’ to stop properly and greet my partner when he came in from work then again, to the best of my ability, I would stop what I was doing and be present with him. When I felt the next thing on my to-do list pulling me away from lingering on my son’s bed, I would resist the urge to jump up and instead commit to a few minutes more of gentle touch. And although my body could not always be convincing in what I wanted to communicate, this stage was a very necessary one.
In some ways it has been a slow process, but in another way it’s been quick, especially considering how profound the changes have been. My family feels completely different now, and both my son and my partner have changed beyond recognition, as have I. What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.
It feels like we’ve all gone from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves. The rather dead staleness that I found so suffocating in our relationships before has been replaced with an aliveness that is palpable. An aliveness that starts with each of us, and one that we then bring into our relationships with all others.
As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.
And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.
Published with permission of my son and partner.
By Alexis Stewart, disability support worker, yoga teacher, massage therapist, mother, partner, self-appointed cheerleader for humanity, woman whose identity as an individual seems to be fading fast
Further Reading:
True Relationship with Self
Honouring the Purpose of Family
From Family Madness to a Miracle Re-union
474 Comments
When we walk in the appreciation of our essences then every relationship will become more intimate as we can never be appreciative without intimacy!
and we can’t be intimate without also being appreciative. Intimacy and appreciation knit each other closer together. How beautiful is that?
Thank you Alexis for the inspiration to deepen our relationship with every conversation we share.
And thank you Mary for reminding me this morning that every conversation that I have is an opportunity to go deeper in my relationship with myself as well as with the person I am conversing with. My body can be a tool to take things deeper or I can use it to maintain the status quo and fortify the illusion. It is my choice and it is one that I am making in each and every moment.
” “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is such a great reminder for me. Reflection is everything. Our body speaks louder than our words.
Loved re-reading your blog Alexis. “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I’m about to visit my grandchildren – And yes absolutely – my body and my movements speak louder than my words
We know communication is so much more than words, there is always new depths to go to with our movements in relationships, as we deepen connection to ourselves.
In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm. Therefore what each of us is acutely aware of, albeit unconsciously is those who are moving with God and those who are not.
Alexis your comment is to me like a bomb going off
“In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm.”
And this is what we do, we move out of rhythm with God which keeps us in the separation to him so that we can create our own rhythm which is individuality, just because we can. This is the bomb going off because it clearly shows to me our arrogance and lack of responsibility as we are Gods living as un-Gods.
And Mary it takes constant effort for a God to live as an un-God and the crazy thing is we refer to that constant effort as ‘our life’ including all of the so called ‘good bits’. The things we champion, the things we celebrate, the things we strive for are actually all the things that keep us out of rhythm with God. It’s absolutely crazy when you really consider what’s going on.
Yes . It is said we communicate far more with our body language than with our words. Our movements say so much. When we learn to read energy again – as we did when young – we pick up so much.
Isn’t it amazing and also incredibly sad that we can live with people or a person yet there is no deep connection or expression of how we feel or are feeling? It is like people living in the same space but just doing their own thing. I have a feeling this is currently a bit of an epidemic! We have so much to learn, explore and heal with regards to all of our relationships.
I couldn’t agree more Vicky. We are living in an energetic ocean of what amounts to the most intimate of relationships and yet we are keeping pretty much everyone at arms length. This is a tragedy that most are consciously unaware of. We are One undivided energetic mass of God and yet we behave like separate fragments.
Yes. Seeing couples and or families together, yet they are often all on their screens. No meaningful communication at all. No connection. Sad
Sue, this is something I’m very aware of too. But I’m also very aware that I can very easily go into judgement and also sadness when I see people on their screens and judgement and sadness are just as destructive as checking out on a screen.
I reconnected tonight with members of my family I have not seen for years, it was at a funeral and many of us have not seen each for a long long time. The love felt between us all was undeniable and reinforced what I know to be truth – that time is irrelevant when it comes to love
The timelessness of love is a beautiful thing indeed.
I love the frankness of your writing, and yes it starts with self, ‘it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others’.
Having an ideas and beliefs about what a romantic relationship or a family relationship looks like is the best way to set our selfs up to fail.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is pure gold. We are expressing all the time – with our movements and how we are – words not being necessary – but judgment can be felt. I need to remember this today. So very apt that I chose to read your blog just now. Thankyou.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.” This is beautiful Alexis. Bringing honesty and openness to all our relationships pays huge dividends.
Alexis again you have written a blog with such openness and honesty that we can all relate to. Especially when you say
“going from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves.”
This is a great reflection of how most of us live and have accepted how life is. But you are showing us there is so much more to life and our relationships and we are all missing out on the fullness that life can be.
And what I am experiencing everywhere I go is that when a person is connected to their natural multidimensional ways then it really helps others who are living one dimensionally to crack the mould and to wake up to their innate never ending multi layered beingness. We are all made from the fabric of God and the fabric of God is forever re-inventing itself, not in a distracted way but in the most exquisite going deeper into itself way.
When you have the choice to live in an ever-expanding world or continue to believe the world is flat, should not even be an option, but is still chosen.
I know what you mean Alexis I have a friend who has THE most gorgeous feel and quality about her, I love to see her and just bath in the quality of her essence which is the multidimensional quality of heaven which s a constant reminder that I can be this way to it is always a choice.
So beautifully shared, one of the lovely quotes is that “And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.” This is incredible and so inspiring.
I love this quote too. Every relationship we have can deepen – if we choose.
Alexis, I love your honesty with what you are sharing here; ‘For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed.’ I can feel reading this how we behave in a certain way and that because we can think we are right we do not notice how unloving our behaviours truly are.
Our bodies will always tell us and others what we’re communicating, our heads will always dress it up to be something else.
‘I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?’ Reading this I can feel how easy it is for us to judge others rather than look at how we are and what quality we are choosing.
Rebecca you are spot on we prefer to blame others for our woes rather than to look at ourselves to check the quality we are choosing to interact with.
The deeper we can connect with self, the deeper we can connect with another. Often we seek the connection first from the outside, but this is really the distraction to keep us away from truly deepening within.
Only one domino needs to fall to knock the other ones over – amazing how one person’s choices can still affect so many others. This of course works for good things but also for the not so good things too!
It is interesting to feel how comfortable we can get in certain family situations that do not support us, and yet we are attached to the drama or situation and holding onto it by playing the game for some strange reason. I can certainly speak from experience and it takes a bit to crack these patterns! Thank you Alexis for your sharing!
This is very inspiring to read Alexis … one person can make a huge difference – because now there is three of you who have changed, each one of you will now be inspiring others and so the ripple effect continues.
Beautifully shared Paula – and this is something I see as a domino effect where one brick holds the power to affect all others.