I recently spent some time watching my 18 year old son compete in a football tournament and have since been reflecting on, and appreciating, the changes in my attachment to sport, and to competition in general.
I grew up in a family in which most of my siblings were involved in sport in some way and the competitive nature of the games that we had between ourselves was considered quite normal and healthy. We were all very passionate about sport, and in particular the national rugby team, which was often the source of intense debate / arguments about team selections or the result of a recent game.
I had grown up with this attitude to sport and competition and I carried it on with my own children. I can remember encouraging many playful, fun times together with my sons to turn into competitive battles. Kicking a ball in the back yard, shooting some baskets with the basketball, playing handball and even going for a walk together and finding a stone to kick along the path would all inevitably end up becoming competitive.
As I have said, this behaviour felt ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ and was seen by those around me, and society in general, as a healthy, fun way to connect and build relationships with others. I was strongly influenced by the images I saw in the media and the way sports stars were held up as role models.
I was introduced to Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom, as presented by Serge Benhayon, about 9 years ago. Since then I have learnt to reconnect to the tender loving man that I naturally am and feel more able to claim these qualities in my everyday livingness, and by doing so reflect something different to those around me.
These changes have been gradual and are ongoing, but the increased awareness has allowed me to feel the enormous impact sport has on me and on those playing it.
I have become more deeply aware of:
- Being pulled into the emotion of the game and the increased anxiety I feel in my body as a result.
- The energy of the supporters when attending games and how this often changes during the course of the game depending on how their team is performing.
- How physical sport can be (even ‘non-contact’ sport), and just how abusive players are being to their bodies and to each other.
- The emptiness I can feel in many of the players and how sport is used to fill this void. Even after winning a big game players can still feel empty and lonely with no sense of joy to be felt.
- How beneath the tough persona created by many of the men who play contact sports just how gentle they truly are, and how this persona is created in order to fit the image of how a ‘real’ sportsman should be.
- The extent to which I allowed discussing sport to become a means of connecting to other men. I settled for the safe, superficial conversations about sport and work as a way of ‘fitting in’ and as a way of avoiding expressing to others how I was truly feeling.
I found that how I expressed with other men influenced how I expressed with family and friends. I realise now that expressing in this way prevented me from experiencing the joy that can come from allowing others to feel the tender loving man I am in my expression and feeling the connection with them evolve as a result.
There were over 300 gorgeous young men attending this football tournament with a huge amount of time and effort involved in organising and running it, and while it may have been seen by some as successful, the failure in my opinion was the lost opportunity for these young men to truly connect to one another. I felt this connection was distorted or destroyed by competition.
By Peter Campbell (55), Support Worker, Tauranga, New Zealand
Further Reading:
Sports Competition – the Pursuit of (Feelings of) Emptiness
My Turnaround from Competitive Running to Connection with Me
Competitive sports: the pursuit of emptiness
610 Comments
Peter, so many very poignant points here to reflect on but the one I see so often is how men use sport as a means of connection in their conversations and this seems to block their ability to connect at deeper level. This is so sad as to feel the tenderness in a man is such a beautiful experience and society as a whole loses out when this is suppressed.
So true Anne. I too have seen this on numerous occasions and this is the perfect excuse for us to connect on a superficial level and that is to revolve our conversation around sports or the weather.
Considering the amount of energy that has gone into making sport what it is and the attachment most have with it being what it is, it will be a big pill for many to swallow to accept the ill impact sport has brought. This is so especially considering the amount of good our society has touted sport to be.
“Being pulled into the emotion of the game and the increased anxiety I feel in my body as a result.” from an ex-footy head, oh the anxiety. I could hardly sit still on those tight matches. No wonder I smoked, drank and ate a lot during those times – had to do something!
I find it intriguing how (mostly) men can be so dependent on their team’s success for their own emotional wellbeing. When I questioned this with a friend, his replies gave me a clear indication that supporting a particular team generated a feeling of brotherhood for him.
If no one needed anyone, but simply brought their beauty and grace to every interaction, with the absolute knowing that everyone else was doing the same, each contributing our particular flavor in life just how fulfilling, joyful and harmonious life would be. Sport would not be able to be, as it is today, in such a world.
I have never been one to see sport as anything but rather silly, because so much of it involves chasing a ball around.. but I did still find myself caught in competition, protection and needing approval/acceptance from those around me. It seems this way of living life can infiltrate any one, if there is no honour in the true value of who we are. Imagine if our true value was fostered in our early lives how different our way of being with others would be.
It really is sad to observe a group of people together, but completely void of ‘being together’. Wether this be on a sporting field or in a shopping centre.
It’s amazing what we discover when we start to observe life from how it makes us feel, situations and behaviours we deemed once as being normal we find are actually abnormal to the part of us, our bodies, that wants nothing more than to live naturally.
The verbal abuse hurled by parents towards opposing players as they watch their sons play ruby is often completely abhorrent. It’s as though they forget who they are and instead, become possessed by the pack energy flowing through the players. Winning and domination becomes paramount.
The enthusiasm we can experience when ‘our’ team has won is never enough as it does and can never match what we have given up to feel: true connection and equalness. I just can be ‘better’ than the other if I separate first …and the separation we will suffer under till we reconnect again. No ‘winning’ can hide this substantial.
I have watched three sons grow up playing rugby. I’ve never truly enjoyed watching the game and all the emotion that goes with it, my body would contract and feel very tense as I always found the associated aggression very hard to watch. Like you, Peter, since learning to re-connect with myself and with those around me, I am appreciating more and more the exquisite tender, gentleness that is innate in men and can feel how competitive sport, rugby in particular, is so very dis-honouring of them and their bodies. For the past few yrs I have finally chosen to share how I truly feel about the game, honouring them, fellow rugby players and myself.
It is interesting how something that is completely in direct contrast to our innate ability to be in connection with each other in complete equalises can be be learnt and then become our norm such as competition. We do not start off like this we start off just wanting to express love and connection, seeking it out in any moment, the way babies will stare at you intently right into your soul, we lose this as we conform to society and adults who have learnt also to disconnect and seek recognition through outside activities.
Sport and competition are two things in society today that are both highly valued. Some may see sport as a great way to socialise and connect as a group, but when we introduce competition into the sporting arena it not only separates and individualises us on having to prove ourselves physically but also takes us away from the natural, tenderness and honesty true connection to our bodies can bring. Competition and sport is not only loved by men but also women today and to see how both sexes can push their bodies to such great lengths to reach the highs of sporting achievement, it makes me ponder why we push our bodies in this way?
It is only when we really stop and make loving choices that support the body that we can really see how abusive sport can be. You only have to look at the amount of injuries especially the extremes that are asked of our bodies through competitive sport, that can be long lasting and occasionally fatal to wonder if sport is a true way of being.
Sport is promoted as ‘character building’, which is so true. However, it builds a character/persona in the ‘play of life’, which denies us our connection to ourselves and masks the truth of life.
‘As I have said, this behaviour felt ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ and was seen by those around me, and society in general, as a healthy, fun way to connect and build relationships with others.’ What leaps out at me when I read of how play fighting and competition is ‘good’ for you is how insidious that message is. Through it we are communicating or educating our children that it is ok to hide how we are feeling and that it is ok to shut down a clear awareness of that feeling too. As you have suggested there is no real connection in these activities and the relationships built are not true as no one is sharing how they are really feeling or communicating an acceptance of fragility or sensitivity.
Peter, thank you for sharing your experiences of sport, ‘How physical sport can be (even ‘non-contact’ sport), and just how abusive players are being to their bodies and to each other.’ I have also observed this, I see this in schools, that there is no true, loving connection between the players, that the players often harden their bodies to play and afterwards it feels very unnatural and hard the way they are with each other, it doesn’t feel like true unity and connection.
I’ve observed that even when a parent has sustained a serious disabling injury from playing rugby they still go on to send their son to play the same violent sport.
The consciousness of competition is deeply ingrained in every area of life and for the majority almost impossible to break free from, and yet you’ve shown that you can. We have become so blind to the ills of sport and competition we willingly pass on the same to our children with some families sending young children to try different sports, tennis, rugby, golf, squash, football and so on. I find it hard to understand how tender seven year old boys can be made to play rugby to toughen up. Competition is at odds with the more natural way of being and living which is brotherhood.
I agree Peter, any form of competitiveness destroys true connect for sure. Our natural way for both men and women is tenderness, love and connection yet sports and many other things in life we tend to accept as normal takes us away from who we naturally are and how we express and share together.
I love what you share in this blog Peter, ‘competition kills intimacy and true connection’.
Insightful read here Peter, about ‘men and sports’, and what many of us equate ‘manliness’ being – in which competitiveness or harshness is the very destroyer of true manliness or his gentle-man-liness.
There are no true winners in competition.
I can very much relate to turning everything into a competition, and I never liked losing. Instead of stopping competing all together, I pushed not to lose, and if that didn’t work, I would walk away saying it was not for me. It doesn’t have to be sport. The very notion of being better than is seen as success in the world we live in, but as you rightly say, it isn’t really a true success – it is a distraction away from realising who we are as an individual as well as our innate inter-connectedness.
The other day, I was standing at a park watching an Aussie Rules football team ‘warm up’. A man stood in the centre of the oval with a solid padded lump of foam, and one by one the guys in front of me ran at full speed straight into it, causing a big ‘whack’. This whack seemed to shudder all around, through the leaves of nearby trees and the ground under my feet. For a moment I had to compute that in the ‘real game’ that padded foam would be another man like me. It brought up the feeling in me of what you share here so well Peter, of just how incredibly hard have we become? Just how tough do we think we need to be? And just how much do we hurt ourselves and others too when we live in this brutal way? There really is no lightness to these games we play.
The crunch of bone on bone is unbelievable in a rugby game, and what is even stronger though is the defence of this type of behaviour as being normal. We are literally expected to accept this is how our bodies are meant to be and that limits are there to be pushed, and that if you stand up and say any of this is madness and not how men are innately built you are considered soft and weak. Compute this with the struggles men have to cope with life, that we conveniently don’t link to such behaviour and you can see that we have problems that will never be solved through sport.
As I came to the end of this I posed myself a question “wow, can you imagine if the huge amount of time and effort involved in organising and running this tournament was instead put towards bringing together all the 300 gorgeous young men attending, to explore their natural tenderness and connection with one another, rather than through competition?”
Peter, you really have exposed the way in which sport has become ingrained in the psyche of most of humanity. You have illustrated just how tragic it truly is that we are detoured away from our natural way of being and the choice we make on a daily basis to keep going in this direction.
I remember being a referee for netball for the younger kids and once stopping a game because of the out of control behaviour from the parents. I too grew up with lots of sport and loved it. But I agree with your observations and the golden opportunity that is missed due to competition.
These are great reflections worth pondering over in a seemingly sport-crazed world. It is amazing how often I have witnessed men, and sometime women, use talking about sports as a way to hide from deep or true expression… remaining safe in their superficial conversation that avoids true connection at the cost of any evolution between them.
I’m sure that men who play sport would scratch their heads if they read your article Peter. The awareness you have come to has unfolded over a long period of time. It is beautiful to feel the change in you. Perhaps men who are ready will feel it and value it too.
With competition there is an investment into certain results we are stimulated and identified by, giving us a sense of individuality at the price of compromising who we naturally are. The moment we cherish who we naturally are competition is recognised for the harm it is doing and sports are exposed for their unloving attitude.
I could feel the sadness of that lost connection for so many young men. For eons we have used sports for false connection, a false form of brotherhood as people group together cheering for the same team. Ignoring that they are creating separation from the other teams side and holding others as less.
In the past I have experienced all that is offered here Peter, that of the absorbed supportor who needed the team win to have a good night or the loss to excuse bad behaviour. Today the bruising that takes place to all aspects of our existence in the world can not be quantified – the hardness and brutality when two face each other in opposition with the intent to ‘win’ at all costs is felt. Exploring which is our natural way – to stand up in opposition or to stand alongside to support and build is exposed here. The naturally unfolding sensitivity, tenderness and brotherhood has opened the way for many of Humanity’s miracles. How is it that we have strayed from this? Everything shared here comes from the heart and speaks of the experiences and questions of many – thanks Peter for sharing.
There is a whole energy around sport that I remember as a child. I feel that same energy when I was playing soccer as a child and notice the same energy exists today when ever I drive past a soccer field. I feel it is the competitive drive that exists in any sport that I am feeling. I always felt that energy along with a huge dose of anxiety and overrode the energy to be part of a team. A team that had no brotherhood or ability to express what was truly going on. Now that I have learnt to understand what energy truly feels like in my body these energies are not very pleasant and I now as Peter has also shared choose to reconnect to my tenderness, which feel true in my body. Great article Peter.
Perhaps that is why as men we so often struggle to express things in words, because we are so used to having the release valve of sport. It is lauded as a good thing that we can release pent up emotions through sport, but does it actually do anything for the hurt that causes us to reach for such a de-stressor or just bury it deeper?
There are very few role models around who are deeply connected to themselves, and who can offer that true reflection for all others to feel and be inspired by. And so without this reflection we work hard to ‘try’ and ‘fit in’… rather than staying with that gorgeous connection we are all born with, and which needs no trying or need to fit in because it is naturally and innately within us and who we truly are.
When I was growing up I played a lot of competitive team sport. I thought that I was very connected with my team mates and we did a lot together on and off the field- I would have said we were very close and supportive of each other. However, we never asked each other to be more- we encouraged each other to go hard, toughen up, that Aussie larikan type of thing but we never really let each other in and know the more sensitive side to each other.
“The extent to which I allowed discussing sport to become a means of connecting to other men. I settled for the safe, superficial conversations about sport and work as a way of ‘fitting in’ and as a way of avoiding expressing to others how I was truly feeling.” You can see and feel the tension that is created in peoples bodies when this ‘fitting in’ way of trying to connect starts. Its like our bodies have to rise to something – the energy is all in the head, all the superficial mental chatter… rather than the deep settlement of being fully in our bodies connected to ourselves, and therefore able to truly connect with others.
This is so true Peter…”I found that how I expressed with other men influenced how I expressed with family and friends.” Nothing is nothing – how we are in one area of our lives is how we are in all areas of our lives… it may look different but the underlying energy remains the same. Competition is competition in all its many flavours. If we disconnect from our true and gentle nature to play sport and be competitive, then there will be disconnection present in the rest of our lives.
What you share is indeed a conclusion which one day will be a truth for everybody: that competitive sport destroys the connection between the ONE brotherhood we are. It divides and provides a stimulation, and then only for the winners, that doesn’t last.
What is to like about watching people hurl themselves at each other and be so aggressive over a ball?
And this is can be considered as healthy fun, being fit, role modeling, and being part of the community . . .?
The interest in watching competitive sports for me has been about nil, and as for participating in them has been less than nil (if that’s possible). I tried playing soccer when in school and all I could feel is how much it hurt, so that was that. Watching people put their bodies through all the moves that occur – particularly when seeing any of the ‘football’ sports has me wanting to ask “doesn’t that hurt”? Yes I can see they have built up bodies and minds to resist much of the pain and discomfort but when they start out as little tots running around the fields, this process hasn’t yet developed – so how much do we encourage, impose and even insist they have to toughen up to keep up. I bet there are many boys and men that would truthfully say “not for me – it hurts”!
Competition is an interesting thing – considered healthy, normal and needed to get places in society and learn to function in society and yet is it really healthy to breed this us and them attitude? In the end only one person or team can come out of a competition feeling elated, leaving all others crushed and in the end even the rush of victory is fleeting. I know in my super competitive moments, I totally loose all consideration for anyone else, consumed by the need to win and prove myself which feels pretty rubbish in my body and leaves those around me feeling second to my desire to win.
The tender and beautiful way in which you express this Peter shows that is a side to men most of us have toned down, ignored, not appreciated or even sought to develop and grow. Sport is evil in that way as it actually fosters the shutting down of a boys natural innocent tenderness and instead promotes the development of their hard competitive, guarded nature which is not their true nature at all and not something we all benefit from experiencing.
There can be quite a fierce defence when you question competitiveness. It is so ingrained in the fabric of society, many people don’t want to look at what it does or how if feels to be competitive. We’ve been sold the lie that is is good for us, encourages us to strive for more etc etc but it’s not true and our bodies all know it.
I remember watching rugby on the TV with my dad because he really enjoyed it. For me it was a way to spend time with him and to enjoy his company, but I never really got how so many men on the field could actually enjoy being tackled to the ground, kicked, shoved and plastered with mud from head to toe. When we put this into the context that men are innately tender and sensitive it doesn’t really add up, does it?
Great post! Whether we’re meeting at the pub or to watch a football match, we’re all really there for the same reason – to connect. Remove the booze and the competition and we can start to go deeper.
So clever that you mentioned how the energy of competition inevitably sneaks into other things that we do other than just the sport games themselves, it proves that when we are taking on a certain way of being i.e in sport one that is hardened, tough, competitive and able to show off skills, than it can stay with us through other things we do, the competition doesn’t stop on the field, it can prevent us from living harmoniously in all other aspects of our lives too.
I agree Peter, any opportunity that we miss to connect young men to their tender loving nature, is a failed opportunity indeed.
What I love about this blog is you know what you are talking about, you were, by the sounds of it right into your sport, as I was. What I love is that you are not anti-sport in anyway but when you are able to take a few steps back and then return without the rose colored glasses on, you are able to see how strange the whole thing really is. Sport is said to bring people together and if we are talking about body count, then yes, people are brought together physically but if we are talking about connection, it drives us further from ourselves and others.
Interesting and insightful comment Sarah, I agree that Peter is very much not against sport but just able to view it differently. A big part of me really enjoys sport still and will watch it. But equally I can feel when I do that it is not fulfilling, and is creating a separation amongst so many people, in contrast to the argument that it brings people together.
Where do we go from here? I mean I am watching more and more sportsmen and women have some serious social and behaviour problems as a result of how they are perceived or how their lives are perceived to be. Yet we still encourage younger people to choose these careers or play these games to be someone. Why don’t we just allow and see people for who they already are. I mean we see someone famous and we think their lives are great and yet we are seeing more and more of them come forward and say their lives are a mess. What are we missing or what are we walking into that clearly doesn’t support us. When I look at sport I watch the younger children just run around and at times not even being aware that there are 2 teams and yet as they grow older the ‘game’ changes and more is at stake. What are we encouraging in our young people that is clearly not there at the start and why aren’t we just seeing them and people for who they truly are, before they even step foot out the door.
‘The extent to which I allowed discussing sport to become a means of connecting to others’ I have observed this sooo many times where men do not know what to say to each other so after an awkward silence they start talking about sport. When I was younger I also complied with this … even though I didn’t like sport and had no interest in it all I would talk about it to make men feel more comfortable.
Its ironic that I have spent all of this lifetime the same as you in the sense that I had no interest in sports and when an awkward silence appeared and they would go to the standby of sports, the silence deepened.
I would say this can go for any topic, if there is no interest or understanding of the subject from one side it’s as if we cannot connect or relate to one another. But what I am finding is that I can talk about any subject if I open up to talking how I feel about it. The awkward silences are getting less.
Its so true we have complicated connection with others with introducing games, competition and the need to prove ourselves at the expense of another.
Your beautiful blog says it all Peter, from the disregard our bodies have to accept to do what most sports ask of the body and to choose this, you cannot feel that natural tenderness within every man. All of this, just to be a part of something that has it all wrong when it comes to true connection and play together.
Sport is seen as something that bonds men. I saw a comment today on a blog about how relationships ‘forged’ during intense sports training are more enduring and open. I disagree with this as it is not a connection of the heart, but a common interest in the sport – something to talk about and do together. If it were such a great connector, why do so many sports people abuse their bodies outside of the sport with alcohol and food?
Thank you for sharing. For a man – I see it put on a pedestal for him to ‘shoot hoops with the kids’ or play sport with them to connect. It is seen as the glorified male bonding time. But I just love what you share here about being able to see what is actually going on with sport and how the competition just fosters us to be hard and individual.
Yes, white line fever – the transformation many people experience when they cross into the white border lines of a sports field – could be quite harmful with us expressing the worst parts of our nature.
It is a strange phenomenon when a persons whole mood can change from elation if the team they support win, to utter devastation if they lose. There is much to discuss on this topic.
It’s very typical to hear men talk about sport when they are together. There are a couple of men in my life that don’t like football and when they have expressed this it always turns heads and brings smiles, because it is refreshingly different. I don’t think there is anything wrong with sport, but it often feels like a safe topic that gets in the way of truly connecting conversations.
Great topic, Peter. I am touched by your genuine care for the 300 young men at the game, in the recognition that they are not and cannot be met with love in the competitive environment of the sports field.
Thank you for sharing the many insidious effects of sport and how this fosters a lack of connection not just in those competing but also spectators. I love how you take it wider and reflect on how it affects how we express in other areas of our life and prevents us all from revealing our true tenderness. Thus we all lose out for the temporary relief of whatever sport/distraction is on offer.
Such a huge topic in a world where sport has become all about competition and how far this has come from who we truly are and the simple enjoyment of gentle exercise for our bodies and the true movements our body responds to naturally. The aspect of competition is one which divides us all and separates and the emptiness hidden by this is very insidious and does not allow for the tenderness and sensitivity we all are inside. A very sincere and reflective sharing Peter and a great inspiration for the world to ponder on.
Thank you Peter for this very honest look at what sport and competition brings into the lives of our boys, wiping out the natural tenderness they are born with and replacing it with a hardness that is in no way natural to their bodies. Unfortunately this is accepted as the norm in most societies, but for me, there is nothing normal about ‘programming’ our young boys into someone who they are not and in the process burying a most tender and loving being.
I’ve read a few blogs in my time, looking at the true nature of sport and competition in our lives, but few have felt as heartfelt as this Peter. Free from judgement you look at scene and simply say how it feels – that we are all worth so much more than any prize.
What a beautiful blog to read Peter, and what a joy it must be to be feeling and living the tender loving man that you are, sharing your true self with family, friends and the people you meet, as a true reflection of how a gentle-loving man can be.
Peter I love your observations and awareness on sport and how much it is used to distract us away from ourselves, and our connection with each other. Men have always loved to talk about sport but it is now becoming a conversation that women enjoy get involved with too, but it comes at the expense of deepening our connection with each and expressing our true feelings.
Peter its beautiful what you share here as competition is everywhere and no matter where it comes in be it Sport, Academia, among friends etc.. it is the whole the misses out on that beautiful opportunity to connect. We are not designed to compete but designed to work together as fellow brothers and sons of God. To encourage competition as so much of society is setup to do means we all miss out.
Thank you Peter and what a huge turn around, from being so entrenched to seeing such a different and in truth debilitating side to sport. I too used to enjoy sport and had a very competitive nature but all this does for us is separate us even further, because we end up always attempting to ‘out do’ each other even in the most minor way – who cooks the best, or who drives better, faster, who’s the more successful business man and so on. What an immense relief to drop this very insidious drive and come home to our true, innate tenderness and begin to develop relationships built on connection, appreciation and sensitivity, rather than the hard-nosed push to constantly be in a different place to the other person.
Your sharing, Peter offers great insight into sport and sporting behaviour which we consider to be so normal and yet when broken down does not support true connection with others.
I can relate to what you are sharing here Peter as I too grew up in a community, society, country where competitive behaviour was seen as a good thing, a desirable thing, a great asset because it supposedly would help you succeed in life. It was pushed a lot at school. And it worked to some extent in that I became successful at doing many things and I was usually the one who was winning. However I came to realise that this was at great cost to myself, my own body and to others, because to be competitive actually goes against our very nature (you don’t see babies and young children usually being competitive with each other unless they have been influenced from outside) and to be competitive we have to shut down our innate tenderness and sensitivity and awareness as you suggest in your beautiful blog. Thanks for starting this conversation Peter.
Many years ago I used to enjoy watching the big rugby tournaments on tv, getting totally caught up in the emotion of it all and not seeing the brutality involved. There is a big tournament on at the moment and I switched the tv on to have a look but only lasted a couple of minutes as I could no longer watch how the men could have such a level of disregard for their own body and others. I felt by watching it I was condoning the abuse myself.
It is amazing how we can measure something as successful when there is no true connection and reading your blog Peter I can feel that as competitive sport is divisive – right from the get-go there is no possibility of it ever building true connection whilst these mini wars are being fought on the pitches or courts around the world.
Sport competition is sold to us as part of a healthy way of living. This image, though, has nothing of truth in it. This brings us to an important point: there are things that at first sight are radically different from others (let’s say growing up playing sports compared to growing up and smoking pot). As activities, they are radically different and at many levels the body consequences are different. Yet, the mere idea of competing, outdoing, showing that you are better than another one, and becoming hard in order to compete has a not at all healthy effect on us as beings. It does not help us to address our hurts either. What it does is it offers a window to buy relief from them and show us a possible way… to go nowhere. Pure illusion.
I was brought up in a rugby playing/watching/living family who were all very competitive, it was all I knew but no matter how hard I tried it never felt right but I just went along with it because its all I knew. From what I know now I would never put my body through that ever again if the choice is mine. Going out on the field week after week to literally beat up the opposition seems so crazy now that I am able to feel more what is true to my body. I was also stuck in the middle of two very competitive brothers who could turn a leisurely swim in the sea into a competition so coming to the realisation that competition is not necessary healthy is a beautiful step forward.
The contradiction of competition to men’s true nature simply and eloquently expressed. Thank you Peter.
There are so many opportunities we have during our day to connect with people and likewise just as many to avoid it.
It would be prudent to observe where we choose to connect and where we actively avoid the opportunities. This will shed quite some light on behaviour I feel.
Peter, thank you sharing about sport – what I find interesting is how we can effectively let our bodies be taken on a roller coaster of emotions when we are simply watching sport let alone playing. When you take a step back it is as if we are giving our bodies over to something which is completely out of our control and then the way we go about afterwards is a direct result of the outcome of the game. It makes no sense yet something many of us get caught up into.
I also felt the emotional journey I would go on when watching sport, there was no way I could ever relate to what was happening in my body while watching sports as I would feel the falls or big hits like it was happening to me. I could actually feel the big dramatic events within my body, which in my understanding I was absorbing and not observing the situation. I always thought that this was a good thing until I got a true understanding that we are meant to observe and not absorb or be like a fish in water and not get wet. I have found emotions including the anxiety that Peter talks about were at times overwhelming in my sporting endeavours. Thank you Peter, James and Serge Benhayon for I have had huge issues around sport and this has opened my body to a deeper level of understanding and thus a new level of healing.
I am the only son with an older and younger sister. My father always felt to me that I was a disappointment to him because I never did like sporting anything. The only sporting competition I ever participated in my life was in a bar darts team. We were at the bottom of the league and group, but were there just for the fun, the beer, and it was something to do on a Tuesday night in the winter. It has taken many years but it is now easier to be openly who I am and other men also, to come out and show the world the tenderness we all are.
Wow! The emptiness of my darts team and the ensuing drunkard-ness, I thought I had left all that behind so thank you for the reminder Steve, I can now set about healing those issues. I feel that just like darts there are many things I have done in my life that I would have a forgotten memory of because I was so out of touch with my body at that time. So reading these comments and blogs has been a revelation for my healing!
Beautiful Greg, thank you and very inspiring to check in with self as well to see what has been pushed far away yet is still lurking to be looked at.
Beautiful to read Peter. It is interesting how many ways we can find in which we can relate to each other and confuse this with connection. For relating to each other we need a common thing we both like but for connection this is not needed we can connect with anyone even if we do not have anything we do in common as in our hearts we are all the same. The beauty of connection comes from that place of equality.
Lovely sharing Lieke, and so true. Connection needs nothing – just the willingness to embrace the other as is.
Peter, it is really interesting to read your article, I had an experience the other day where I was with my young son and our friends and their children, all the children were enjoying playing, talking and walking along, it felt playful and harmonious and then I said ‘how about we have a race’ and everything changed, the kids stopped talking and just ran, shouting ‘you are the loser’, there was a competition between them that did not feel loving and harmonious, my son got upset because he was last and there was no longer the joy and connection that had previously been there, I felt in that moment how unloving competition and sport is and how unnecessary, a big learning for me.
An enjoyable and provoking read Peter. You offer a great opportunity to truly pause and feel the real imposition upon the body and connection with others underlying the ‘ra-ra’ in sports. I am constantly amazed how effortlessly the bridge to competition is opened as men begin to speak together about their football teams etc and who they support – within seconds of speaking to a stranger in a shop, on the phone, (everywhere in fact!), the surface joking around and putting down each others teams, under the guise of humour, is in full swing
“The extent to which I allowed discussing sport to become a means of connecting to other men. I settled for the safe, superficial conversations about sport and work as a way of ‘fitting in’ and as a way of avoiding expressing to others how I was truly feeling”.
Sport has become to be the socially acceptable face of conflict where one team or one person fights to defeat the opponent and when there are several or many teams in a tournament each is fighting for supremacy and control – it all sounds rather similar to the battle raging in Syria and other worn torn areas of the world.
“I realise now that expressing in this way prevented me from experiencing the joy that can come from allowing others to feel the tender loving man I am in my expression and feeling the connection with them evolve as a result.” This is a profound realisation – as many men connect through competition and banter (and more women these days too) and so not allowing themselves to connect to that beautiful tenderness that is within everyone, regardless of gender.
There are so many missed opportunities during the day to be really with each other. We are so used to being focused to what is at hand that we do not see the beauty in each other and cannot feel the joy that togetherness brings. Then making it about competition brings us even further away from each other.
What you present is a reality for most in one way or another.
Sport is championed and normalised from a young age and certainly is equated with accolades, recognition and notoriety if not sporting – heroism. We seldom stop and consider the crushing of another and indeed to pick ourselves up from a sporting ‘defeat’ console ourselves that next time we will win and we strive for more.
Many young girls and boys have already given themselves over to pursuing lives in sport from very early – it has become deeply competitive to forge a career in sport and playing ourselves into the role begins earlier and earlier- the competition to be noticed, to be picked up, selected and catapulted – an entire family’s lives can revolve around sporting activity for decades if not indefinitely – preparation, training and games, travel and tournaments let alone stardom or success and all that this entails and equally injury and recovery, anxiety and depression.
It is little wonder that our innate tenderness is forgotten amongst the sporting drive, for the activity of sport hardens and desensitises us and seemingly provides camaraderie and mate-ship and belonging but all the while falls well short of true brotherhood, equality and the true flow of movement and expression – the true connection and fulfilment we seek.
Great blog Peter. I have never really been into sport and I didn’t understand why so many people found it so important. Over time I have come to see that sport offers people a way to come together without truly connecting to each other and that many people in one way or another actually want this. I can understand this as so many people carry past hurts and the interaction they get through sport must seem safe in some way but your story shows that there is a whole world of love and connection available to us if we choose it.
Peter, as I read this blog I felt you- the tender loving man you have become and this is testimony to your commitment to stay true to who you are in essence. Tenderness, love, stillness, the very qualities that get squashed and battered when we make life about winning rather than connecting with others.
Sport is more often than not just a cheap man’s war, and even those who did not intend it to be so often end up getting caught in the crossfire none-the-less. Physical activity is one thing – the shared experience of knocking a ball into a net or hole. Competition is another, and invariably all sport is defined by such. Without it, it is simply not sport. So what of competition? Does it truly serve to make us better human beings? Sure, one could argue that in a dog-eat-dog world it is necessary for our survival. But what is the point of living just to survive? We are defeated before we start, for death inevitably comes to us all.
Many eons ago, a civilisation worked together to build the greatest ancient wonder of our times – the Great Pyramid. What is most revealing is that it is only until very recently that sociologists questioned the widely accepted theory that such a monument could have only been built by slave labour. It was as though it was too much to accept that any society could work together so fluently so as to produce such a defining mark of their existence. And yet they did, and if you consider the feat in detail, it is obvious that the whole of that society would have had to have worked together in harmony in order to achieve what they did.
Brilliant comment Adam, this shows how far away we have strayed from living our natural way, in harmony and working together as a society/race. It really makes me wonder why sports is so celebrated and popular currently. We are living extremely disconnected lives, hence why competitiveness is rife, not just in sport but in our homes, schools, workplace and social gatherings.
hi Adam,
just wondering on your take about surfing?
i enjoy watching the WSL not about who wins but how they surf the wave.
also enjoy the art of surfing ,the how being in touch with nature ,fun of riding the wave
seeing dolphins up close etc
thanks
Hi Paul, there is no doubt surfing can be done without competition, and I still occasionally go out for a wave myself, although it has been a while I must say. And certainly, where surfing is used to connect with nature, and for the simple pleasure of riding the wave etc, it is quite therapeutic. That being said, from my experience, surfing still tends to bring out the competitive side in people, unfortunately, and personally I usually avoid the crowded breaks these days because of the intensity in the water.
Peter I can appreciate what you have shared here in the sense of allowing ourselves to see the hard and brutal reality of what we have turned ourselves into with competitive sports. With all competition we must see our selves as separate from another, and better than another. There is a clear division: me vs you or my team vs your team. Our natural and innate calling as children is to be there with each other, to support each other and to love each other and be tender with each other – the absolute opposite of what competitive sports teaches us. But then again, the choice to go down this path is also a reflection of the deeper ills of our society – the lack of true collaboration and connection. And this will continue as a trend whilst it is masked as being ‘successful’ as you have so well discerned and shared in your writing. There is much for us to observe and hence to remind ourselves of where we are headed unless we begin to make the much needed changes in our microcosm so that there are ripples felt in the macrocosm. Thank you Peter for opening up a well needed conversation!
If sport was the answer, fulfilling and you walk away feeling great, than why do many sportsmen (top athletes) then choose or need to drink alcohol after a big win or lose? Why do many spectators need to indulge in drinking and over eating while watching it? The feeling in a workplace, home or town when there has been a big ‘famous’ game played i.e. super bowl etc. is palpable either in the fact the losing supporters are down and depressed or the winners are elated and ribbing the losers. Competition is everywhere, this is just a more obvious one but sit in an office for an hour and you will see the games and competition play out.
This brought to mind an episode of the Simpsons where Homer has gone to a sports game but is for the first time not drinking and says, “i never realised how boring this game was” (free of the drink). That is something I have found, when the investment in sport being fun or important goes, we get to see what it actually is we are watching. And as a reflection it isn’t so pretty.
This has been my experience also, from being very competitive and playing lots of sport to now not, all I see with competitive games is just how abusive they are… not only between players but also the crowd towards the ref or the parents against the other team. I remember getting so worked up watching or playing that I would morph into something unrecognizable to myself…. and even praying (when I never did any other time) that the team my family and I wanted to win would win…. but whether there was a win or loose the feeling of emptiness or tension would be just the same after, even if for a short time there was some sort of elation.
And like what Peter shared I also thought it was completely normal to act in that way.
great comment Stephen, i realise how i always have to reach for a beer when watching a lot of sports .
I am wondering what your take is on surfing? I do it for the love,being in nature riding mother nature,seeing dolphins sunset,s sunrises etc
you can be very creative on each wave and it is great exercise…
Hi Paul, surfing is something I have only tried once or twice, I found I got battered about a bit in the waves and I never got the hang of it but I do love being in the water, just swimming for me though, you can’t beat the fresh air and being in nature. What makes you ask, it sounds like you enjoy it?
Thank you Peter for bringing this drive for competition between men to the fore. I do know this too, that form young I have been taught, by trial and error, that this is the way to ‘connect’ between boys, and later in my adult years, between men. But also later with my children, both my daughter and sons, for instance when we where biking we ended up in a speed game, how we could outdo one another. When I look at it now I have to admit that it did not brought us any closer, the only thing I have done with this is to introduce them into this not so nice way of connecting through competition.
There are so many behaviors and habits which are seen normal in the world, but are they truly? When we feel deeper into many of the things we have accepted in daily life, it is a treasure box for us to begin living what is truly true.
Yes, it is essential that we start to question all the things we accept as normal in the world, that do not have love and brotherhood as their beginning and end.
Yeah – to redefine ‘normal’ would be a great step towards that 🙂
What has become ‘normal’ for us bears no resemblance to our natural way. I could go into hundreds of examples but they all stem from the fact that our natural way is unity and our normal way is separation. Each of these starting points then impulses everything else and hence results in two radically opposing ways of life
Lately I have become very aware of the pressure on young boys to ‘toughen up’ and ‘not be a wuss’ and when I have heard this spoken i can sense the hurt and confusion in the young boy’s face. I have also often heard boys or men (and indeed, women) speak about playing sport at school and the pain they felt when they were not ‘picked’ for someone’s team, or were the last to be picked. They were somehow made to feel less if they weren’t naturally ‘sporty’, that there was something wrong with them. Whereas, as you have so beautiful expressed, Peter, they are naturally tender and gentle beings. I wonder what would change in the world if we recognised this and allowed boys and men to simply be who they truly are? A lot would change I reckon.
I remember when I was young and being told to toughen up that I gave these people metaphorically the middle finger by crying even louder and more vehemently. I didn’t realise that I was still buying into exactly the same demand which is really to stop feeling what is happening, I was just obnoxious about it.
A very profound reckoning of what competitiveness and competition do to us and how true connection gets thwarted right from the start. And that is not only true for men but for all of us. Women have their own way of comparing and competing with each other, it might just be a bit more hidden – but not really.
No not really, as women also get into sports and competition as well as trying to compete in business and against each other as women too…
Great to expand this discussion regarding competition in that it is not just in sport but in everything … in workplaces, in sales, in retails, in schools and even in friendships and families. Nothing about either competition or comparing with another is healthy.
The minute I read the word anxiety I could so relate! Sport really does make me feel anxious. I remember competing with horses and how my whole body would be in a tremor and how it would make me feel sick to my stomach at times… and yet I did it again and again and wanted recognition and wanted to be a winner and be good at it.
Rosie I remember this too, being anxious when competing on a horse. Looking back I think I was driven more by fear than the enjoyment of riding the horse and I always felt a relief when it was over. I also think it was because deep down I knew that it was not natural for horses to compete any more than it is for human beings.
Yes, thanks for sharing Alison, I now remember the feeling of relief when it was over. And I can also remember how my heart used to race and it would take quite some time afterwards, to calm down and settle again.
How very gorgeous that you have claimed what not just what every man deeply needs to feel in another man but what every woman is so very blessed to feel in a man – tenderness is a true man
Amber I love here how you introduce and claim the true blessing of tenderness, as a man the moment I hear that word I melt and realise that I’m often walking around not in tenderness when I am naturally tender.
Thank you for that MA – I also have to remember that at times, although my body lets me know pretty quick these days when I am other than the lovely tender being that I truly am .
Tenderness is our natural way but we have strayed so far from our path that we no longer remember who we are.
It is a strong man indeed who does not need to foster competition in his sons, from his own reclamation within that this is an energy that is not needed in order to survive in this world – for in fact, it diminishes us greatly.
It’s been interesting to witness more events of late in Australia, where former high-achieving sportsmen are struggling in life – the drive and ‘heights’ of their careers no longer being present, there are many who seem at a great loss within, with no clear bearing for how now, post-sporting achievement, to live a full and enriching life.
This speaks of a deeper responsibility we all hold in the way we look at sport and just what we are fuelling in our praise of its apparent ‘glories’…
A fabulous sharing Victoria. Thank you. Very true – it is a very strong man who does not need to foster competition.
These are very true observations and reflections Peter. Competition inhibits our ability and willingness to connect with others by virtue of the fact that in order to compete, we first have to disconnect from those around us in order to pitch ourselves against them. It is not the activity of sport that is in question, but more so the opposition we engage with in order to not feel how innately connected to each other we otherwise are.
Absolutely Lianne. I feel this is the stark truth that no one wants to admit to.
I agree Liane, this disconnection to enable competition is not considered, and neither are the consiquences
This disconnection in order to compete is similar to the training young soldiers receive in order to be able to fight others and kill them. It seems that the whole purpose of sport has come to be the winning side at all costs. The defence of team sports is that they encourage working together, but the purpose of working together is to defeat another team who are also working together. How crazy is that to be cut off from half of humanity, and even in these teams there is a demand to override deeper feelings and bodies and respect. That this kind of training is part of the education system ensures we continue to retain this attitude to anyone not on “our side”.
What seems apparent is that the winning in sport has become the only thing that matters. You hear coaches and teams talk of this all the time. A “results based business” which actually reflects the emptiness of sport, when all that matters is winning and making sure others lose.
Well perceived Liane – “… n order to compete, we first have to disconnect from those around us in order to pitch ourselves against them.” How has it come that we will go so far for that to occur …
I agree Liane, the very nature of competition isolates us because we choose to engage in a behaviour that drives us to be in a different place to each other, a behaviour that is in direction opposition to our innate knowing of community, equality and our inherent impulse to unite in work and play.
So true Liane. The deeper awareness Peter shares I have felt when attending sporting events as a spectator. What I also begun to understand is that the level of connection that many live with themselves and others is actually quite dimmed down from our innate way, therefore the being part of a team, the supposed comradary etc feels like connection because it is more than what is being lived in daily life – but in-truth they are far from what we were born with and once engaged with as children.
There is so much to be said and truly examined by us societally on the nature of competition. Competition is a consciousness, a way of thinking that asks us – should we buy into it – to ditch our natural inclination to brotherhood (an inclination that rests in the hearts of us all), and allow the desire of a want to better another become our modus operandi.
Until we are ready to truly feel how devastating this is upon our own sensitive being, let alone the harm it brings to others, it will yet seek to play out through our behaviours – whether this be via sport, or simply taking off faster than another from being stationery at the traffic lights… Much attention and kudos can be ours for the taking when we choose to play on such a battlefield, and I would say along with you here Peter, that although there may be the semblance of connection in many events in life, there is always a deeper opportunity lost when competition is at play, by virtue of the denial of what lays within our hearts – the knowing of the equalness of all men. In competition, this is completely denied.
The levels of competition are at play constantly. Having worked in daycare centres for many years this belief becomes ingrained into our young boys from a very young age. The subtle comments and undertones that are shared, often mask an inability to recognise or a willingness to feel that there is another way as many times this behaviour is modelled generation after generation
Natallija, this is such an important point, the messages we give young boys are often very subtle, and they always ask boys to be a certain type of boy, that inevitably grows into a man that is not at ease with himself, as it is not a true version of who they want to be. Might this relate to the suicidal tendencies we see in young adults, does sport contribute to this? All questions we should deeply consider.
Well said Victoria – competition is a huge battlefield designed for championing the individual – it is impossible to experience true brotherhood and competition in the same moment.
This is a huge topic to tackle Peter, especially in a country obsessed with sport. Well done though, you have given plenty to be looking at here. One of the things you mention is the change in the energy of supporters, I have noticed this too. Depending on whether the chosen team is winning or losing, supporters will blow hot and cold, loving the team with a win, adulation and elation abounding or downright hating and putting down the players, criticizing and demeaning when they lose. Pretty much calling for their blood. There is rarely any grace given these days and it is more like a battlefield of war than a place people can connect and enjoy kicking or tossing a ball around and those on the sidelines enjoying with the same vigour. I feel we have to look at why the spectators need sport to be this way, are we living vicariously through the players? Bleed and hurt for me so I dont have to? Sacrificing our young men to feel good about ourselves? Definitely worth thinking about.
Jeanette, I lived in New Zealand for a while and attended a club rugby match my friend was playing in, even at this low level of competition, it was incredible to witness the ferocity with which it was played, and it was hard to relate this to how any human being should treat another. And yet this is sport, many would laugh off this comment and say toughen up. Yet I just can’t marry up the nature of how we compete and the natural tenderness that we could actually live, a tenderness that would allow us to feel joy and not the angst of competing and trying to beat others to feel good.
I agree Stephen. There is an immense amount of ferocity involved in sport to the extent that, if one were to adjust the surroundings a bit and replace some of the hardware involved, it could to all intent and purpose turn into a battle. This begs the question for me, what are we feeding through sport, our ability to play, interact and grow from the experience, or a need to hurt, punish and harm one another?
This is true, and what we are seeing is more and more violence, not just in sports such as rugby where the collisions are huge, but the rise of so called sports such as UFC, where you can batter someone unconscious, and this has become mainstream. So what does this say about our ills in society, for it is not a healthy situation to have so many of us, wishing to partake or view such organised violence.
I had to do a Google search on UFC! Are we becoming so dehumanised that we don’t even recognise the extent of the violence quite literally playing out before us? When we take a step back and a long hard look at the whole picture, we haven’t really progressed much further than Neanderthal man.
I actually played this sport for many, many years and I cannot believe that I did that to my poor old body, but I grew up in that consciousness and it was actually frowned upon if you didn’t play, and the better you were at it the more popular you seemed to be. If I could turn back time I would never do that to myself again and if it was absolutely necessary to play a sport, maybe I would try badminton or lawn bowls or something.
Rugby I meant not UFC.
A ‘country obsessed with sport’ is a country obsessed with avoidance.
What you write is so very true, beautiful and deeply touching Peter, that I have nothing left to say other than to express my appreciation.