Recently I found myself playing a familiar yet not so comfortable game during the Universal Medicine UK Retreat Celebration Party. Because of the clarity I had gained from attending the Retreat, I was able to quickly and very clearly recognise an old pattern, one that I have been going into for as long as I can remember. This old pattern is one of withdrawal, guardedness and isolation, which has me distancing and separating myself from others, and this is not at all like the playful, light hearted, down-to-earth, sparkly person I normally am.
As I observed everyone else having fun, being open and playful with each other, engaging deeply in conversation and enjoying each other’s company, I was choosing to retract back into my shell and it felt horrible.
This is what I called ‘being shy’ in the old days, but now I see that it felt horrible because I was refusing to shine, I was hiding away, not wanting to be seen, and I was also making it ‘all about me.’ Though it was hard to face this truth, I welcomed it, as I saw I was not a victim but I had the simple choice to change, and that choice could be made in a moment.
Reflecting in this way about this experience I realised:
- Life is not just about me
- Life cannot be lived in isolation from each other
- Life reflects back to me where I am and I can’t blame others for my feeling lonely
- It is a choice to withdraw.
Then I asked myself, “Why do I withdraw?” Could it be that I am not honouring my own unique form of expression? Comparing myself to others, and thinking that I should be more like them, more open, more fun, more engaging – more liked by others. Could that be it?… That I am choosing to withdraw because I am dishonouring my own unique expression by trying to be like others!
The wanting to be liked by others, or the desire to feel special, comes from a lack of love for myself, and this also is a choice. As I looked deeper, the realisation came that this all comes from jealousy of and comparing myself to others, and a lack of appreciation for myself. However, all of this is NOT ME, not the true me.
How did I pull myself out of it? Quite simple. As I was standing on the dance floor like a wallflower, a beautiful woman came up behind me and put her arm around me. We walked around like this for a while and I started to feel myself coming back to me. We gently parted and I then found someone else to connect with, then another and another. I realised then that I had come back to feeling more of my essence. I felt more open and joyful, more connected to everyone, and even if I was dancing on my own, I had that connection to myself and the loneliness had gone.
Through the support of others, I had come back to the connection with myself, where no one is ever alone. There is no need to try to connect to others, it is the connection with ourselves that is felt by others. This is true connection and no performing or trying is necessary to feel this.
What I learnt from this is that it is okay to be yourself. We are all unique in our expression, and by comparing ourselves to others we are giving ourselves away and not honouring ourselves in full as equal human beings. I have learned through the teachings of The Ageless Wisdom presented by Universal Medicine, that we are all equal in the eyes of God, so it doesn’t make sense to judge another or compare as we are on this path together – the path of return to who we truly are.
My shyness is not going to magically disappear overnight, but now I can acknowledge my shyness and work on that connection to myself and my connection with others, remain honest and open and allow myself to shine in my own unique way.
I shall endeavour to play this ‘hide and seek’ game no longer because I know who the true me is. I know what my essence feels like, and it is the real and true me, and I owe it to myself and others to honour the fragility and beauty of that.
With deep gratitude to Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and the reflection of the Universal Medicine Student Body, for without this reflection I would probably still be playing the old game.
By Sandra Henden, Administration Assistant, Norfolk, England
Further Reading:
The Strength and Power of Connection
Do we choose loneliness?
Why and how do we have loneliness in relationships?
620 Comments
A deeply inspiring, honest and relatable blog Sandra – Through attending Universal Medicine presentations, I am learning that if I feel isolated or in separation, it is imposed upon myself by choice through falling into an old trap of being disconnected from the innermost essence that is within and equally so in all.
Sandra Henden, that is beautiful, what a grand reflection of change, and how beautiful to see what you have started to choose..
A profound quote by you makes it one: ‘I shall endeavour to play this ‘hide and seek’ game no longer because I know who the true me is. I know what my essence feels like, and it is the real and true me, and I owe it to myself and others to honour the fragility and beauty of that.
Thank you.
“I had come back to the connection with myself, where no one is ever alone.” When we connect to ourselves we connect with the all so we are never alone when we take that first step to be who we are.
Realising that life is not just about ourselves as an individual brings a whole other level of purpose to light. As then we can connect to a greater responsibility that we all hold of the impact we all have on each other with how we are living and the degree of love or abuse we are allowing ourselves to live with. The more we deepen our relationship with the love we are within, the more we realise that this love is equal in us all and that we all deserve to live no less than this love, as anything less is just not acceptable.
A great exposing of the fact that shyness is actually us choosing to hold back who we are, and in doing so harming ourselves and holding the world to ransom. Over the years I have felt, what was labelled as ‘shyness’, but now I can see so clearly, I was playing a game, one in which I was refusing to let the world see how amazing I was. I often wonder why – perhaps it was simply because I was in fear of the reaction that would come my way if I shone my true light?
We don´t need to do it on our own! That moment of connection and intimacy someone offered you, supported you to re connect to you. Why ever isolating when help is everywhere around you all the time. You just have to ask or being open towards it.
There is a whole universe around us that is forever supporting us and we are inextricably part of a greater whole so in truth one can never be alone.
Loneliness is not about having other people around, it is about being connected to ourselves. If we can accept this we can more honestly look at why it is we feel lonely, sometimes even in a room full of people. I now that when ever I feel I am alone I need to look at deepening the relationship with myself.
Thank you for sharing so openly Sandra. I know the feeling of withdrawing very well and what I had to face was that this had nothing to do with others but everything to do with the fact that I was not loving myself and therefor needed other people to acknowledge me. if that did not happen, or I did not create a situation in which I could offer something that would make me feel worthy I would instantly withdraw and ..let’s face it .. be in self-pity. The understanding that what we come across is what we have created is a sometimes difficult, but always deeply freeing experience.
What I have noticed is that in those moments like you have described it is about letting go of what is holding you in a certain way and giving yourself permission to move more freely. This allows your body to free itself from the predetermined movements. I have also noticed that if the patterns that lock you up are really ingrained then it takes a consistent commitment to choose something different.
Withdrawl? You and the rest of us Sandra. In my experience we all have different methodologies but the outcome we seek is the same thing – ‘get me out of here’. But the me who is seeking this is not the true us. When we start to see this is true withdrawing stops appealing so much. Why run away from our true Love?
Cutting off from one another, being aloof and retreating are all just signs we have been hurt, opening up to love that is always there sometimes is not easy but when we connect again with our bodies and say yes we can not lose.
I certainly agree with how unique we each are – comparison doesn’t help the appreciation of your qualities. We are all similar in qualities and the difference being is the expression of those qualities we only know. As Sandra expresses honesty is key to come back to that quality – “..remain honest and open and allow myself to shine in my own unique way.”
Holding back your unique expression is actually a very arrogant attitude towards heaven, as you deny their plan, by rejecting what you are.
I recognize the ‘retiring into my shell’, especially when I don’t know anyone. But since attending Universal Medicine presentations and healing sessions I learned that everything we do is a choice – if an uncomfortable one at times. Knowing I am enough whether alone or with people is still a work in progress.
“The wanting to be liked by others, or the desire to feel special, comes from a lack of love for myself, and this also is a choice.” I know this feeling and nothing is ever enough when you are in it. It feels really beautiful that it is possible to love myself deeply so I don’t feel like I have to be special, different or do something amazing because I am already feeling I am all that I need to be.
I love what you said Sandra about withdrawing from others and feeling separated is a choice. When I have done this same thing there was always a feeling that I was being stubborn and acting like a victim of other people’s attitude towards me. But when it came down to it, all I had to do was drop the guard and protection from getting hurt and have some understanding of others. It then becomes easier to appreciate others and myself.
Appreciation, and more appreciation are invaluable tools of our everyday living, ‘the realisation came that this all comes from jealousy of and comparing myself to others, and a lack of appreciation for myself.’
“That I am choosing to withdraw because I am dishonouring my own unique expression by trying to be like others!” This is a super cool awareness Sandra and one that shows us that we have a responsibility to not only share and connect from our own unique expression. It also brings it back to the simplicity to simply express how we feel to speak, move and love without perfection just a willingness to surrender to the discovery of who we are.
I love how you’ve put a wider context on your shyness, how you don’t have to fix it but to understand that you have an expression that is you and to deeply honour and appreciate that. We each have a part and it’s a glorious one for all of us.
Beautiful how you were supported to come back to yourself, ‘Through the support of others, I had come back to the connection with myself, where no one is ever alone.’
We learn a lot about ourselves when we observe our movements in life. Doing this without critic can be really illuminating. Thank you for sharing this Sandra.
I had a moment recently where everyone was at an end of year party and dancing and myself and a friend were the only ones sitting and it felt awkward, the longer I sat the more rigid I felt in my body. We got up and stood at the back of the room so we wouldn’t be so noticed, then by that movement I was able to gradually let go and I realised that I didn’t want to stay stuck and rigid so I just let it all go and allowed myself to dance- it was such a freeing feeling and has changed a lot for me since, of not worrying so much about what others think and just allowing myself to be and do what I want instead of judging myself so critically.
Yes the body naturally loves to move, it is the mind that can intercept sometimes and try to tell us otherwise.
Beautiful to feel how with the support of others you were able to reconnect with yourself and thus with others. You took the first step by attending the celebration rather than hiding away and then you had the willingness to look at what had happened and be transparent about your sabotaging behaviour. Thank you for sharing as I would imagine that most people can relate to this, I know that I certainly can.
Not needing anyone who acknowledges you is the biggest pull for people to be with you. We always think we have to perform although it is the opposite. The more I am truly with myself the more the door is open for others to join that place- actually we know and feel that deep inside us. It is about how much do we accept the reflection and love from others that automatically is on offer then.
Sandra I read your para which you wrote about yourself, and I love what you are working on; falling in love with yourself all over again….sounds like good medicine and one I will be giving myself too!
Me too! Falling in love with ourselves supports us to lovingly work on the behaviours that we have used to sabotage ourselves for so long and reconnect with the fun-loving and deeply divine essence inside us.
I know that one Sandra, making life all about me…. and I am feeling I still dip into that old way of living, and is for me to be aware of and cut it as it serves no-one. And as you say life is a mirror and reflects back to me where I am, it feels a good time to pause for a stock take!
‘..we are all equal in the eyes of God, so it doesn’t make sense to judge another or compare as we are on this path together – the path of return to who we truly are.’ This is all about honouring our unique angle of presenting God on earth, we are all a sparkle shining just slightly different but like you say we are equal.
Thank you Sandra for so honestly sharing your experience, I can relate to this guardedness withdrawal and isolation, I have lived this way for much of my life, I am slowly lowering the barriers down and feeling more of the real me come out, but just the other day I felt myself go into that old pattern, the standing back from others like someone looking in but not participating. I felt very separate, your writing has given me incites to ponder on as to why I would go back into that old energy.
Whoops! When we make a slip up, it is super important to never judge ourselves for what we have done as this closes the door on any possibility to truly understand and heal what is coming up for us in such a situation.
This is so key as we are not perfect and when we add judgement to the equation the hurt and the self – acceptance is the first port of call. Life is full of lessons and no matter how big or small they may be when we make the choice to learn and let go the healing is truly felt in the body.
Love this title Sandra. And just like in the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ we go around and around repeating the same mistakes until we finally can say we got over that. And then another ‘Opps I did it again’ appears in a different scene in a different area of our living and it is all on again. Life is, after all, about learning.
This is a beautifully raw and honest blog Sandra and an experience that any of us have and can experience the moment we go into our heads. It is when we leave our body behind that we feel lonely, and it makes perfect sense that we should as being in the head without any connection to the body is a lonely place to be and this leaves an opening where all sorts of self denigrating thoughts can enter.