When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.
In my late teens and early twenties I relied on boyfriends for my sense of identity. I made sure that I was never without a boyfriend or at least someone that I was chasing because I felt that without a boyfriend I would not have known who I was. Flirting and hooking guys in was a constant game and one I played even if I wasn’t particularly interested in the guy.
As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed and anyway, I thought that I was fine as I was.
What is startling for me to realise when I look back is that I wasn’t at all aware of how much I was struggling, even though I was binge eating, in desperate need of attention and pissed off a lot of the time. In fact I was more than pissed off, I was actually livid! At the time I was very clear about what I perceived to be the cause of my anger; I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry, especially what I considered to be the ‘stupid ones’! I would feel so much anger building in my body when I was listening to certain people talk that I would imagine doing horrible things. This happened a lot and yet still I had no conscious awareness that I wasn’t ok.
It has taken me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did, and that understanding has been supported immeasurably by the teachings that Serge Benhayon shares through Universal Medicine. It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.
I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.
Looking back, I recognise that I was in anguish. I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.
I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.
I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. I hardened myself to give the false impression to others that it didn’t hurt, when in fact I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside. From that point onwards I continued to harden my body and bury my feelings in a myriad of different ways and eventually ended up so far from where I had begun that I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling. If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door? Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.
What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.
This is colossal because most of us have chosen to disconnect from ourselves at some point in our lives, which sets up a mirrored response in our outer lives. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else. It’s basic maths, there can be no more or no less. But because we have chosen to pretend that we don’t know how life works, then we all scrabble around making out that we really can’t understand why life is so hard.
Women spend lifetimes talking to one another trying to fathom out what deep down they already know. But who’s going to be the one to stand up and call out the farce? “Not I”, I hear you cry, and we all know why. We are all involved in a cover-up of such gargantuan proportions that we have made a silent pact to not break the silence… and so we all keep the charade going whilst pretending to know nothing about it.
Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.
So going back to me in my twenties, I had chosen years earlier to cut myself off from myself and so it naturally followed that I also cut myself off from most other people. Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others. As a direct result of choosing to abuse myself, I was also able to abuse others, and I did. The aggression that I showed myself was reflected in the aggression that I showed to those around me.
Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others. It was all there for me to see, if only I had chosen to see it. But I didn’t.
What I have come to learn from my own experiences since attending the workshops of Universal Medicine is that if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first. Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself. If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself. Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside: we can’t conjure something up out of nothing, it’s just not possible. Likewise, if there is something going on outside of us, we can’t throw our hands up in the air and say “Ain’t nothing to do with me.” Again basic maths – if it’s on the outside then it’s on the inside.
No-thing more, no-thing less.
Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.
When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love.
By Alexis Stewart, Dedicated Student of The Way of The Livingness, Partner to an amazing man, Mum to a beautiful boy, Yoga Teacher, Disability Care Worker, Sydney
Further Reading:
Returning to our essence
Being Chinese – Being True to My Self
Is that all there is?
828 Comments
Self-judgement is a poison that prevents us from feeling the natural beauty of who we are.
The more I deepen my awareness and relationship with myself the more I can read the hidden gems in this blog.If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves then it makes complete sense we will have a dysfunctional relationship with everyone else, so it then surely is our self responsibility to rebuild a body of true love so that we can reflect this back to humanity. Is this how we will change the world by self responsibility?
I really like coming back to this blog to use as a reference point to understand just how deep the disconnection to ourselves can be. When we have a lack of understanding for ourselves it would make sense that we then have no understanding for others. This is how misunderstandings with each other happen which can cause huge problems not just within relationships of family and friends but country to country.
I know there are still judgements towards myself and reading this today reminded me that there’s more understanding to be had. The things I judge about myself are as a result of a reaction to something, a tension I am (for now) unaware of. Having this as a basic understanding really helps to go deeper.
Quite simply if we are not feeling the love within we are not going to be able to see it or feel it anywhere else.
This is a brilliant read about disconnection to ourselves as we are encouraged to look outside of ourselves from a very early age. And from there we just get lost in a world that wants us to perform to a certain set of standards which are ideals and beliefs that are constantly dropping.
We don’t seem to mind that we are becoming more animalistic in our behaviours and yet we consider our selves to be the more intelligent species.
Thank you Alexis, and may I also share that, life is in its fullest when we understand our responsibility’s and my feeling is that we are absolutely responsible for everything! So when we live in a level of Love, Sacredness, Harmony, Joy, Truth, and Repose, as a responsibility we can then deepen in these virtues as we are living with them, with a Deep-humble-appreciative-ness of them. So we are then Students of our own lives, or lost and confused to our Origins and Location. And at this level of appreciative-ness we are in the complete understanding that we are more than this physical vessel. So appreciation is about who we are, not what we do, then it must be in the be-ing-ness!
“Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.” There we go we have everything we need to know in this one sentence, thank you Alexis – deep down we do all know we are far more than what we currently admit.
I agree with you Anonymous, I remember a Universal Medicine practitioner telling me I was playing dumb when actually I knew exactly what I was doing. I had been caught out in the game I was playing with myself and everyone else, as when you play dumb you are left alone as someone of no consequence so I lived under the radar of life. This is called existing or just getting through life, but it’s not truly living. So many of us opt for this way of life not wanting to say ‘boo to a goose’ But where do these feelings of playing dumb and not being ‘good enough’ come from?
‘I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.’ I have been feeling this lately, what I am realising is that the more I understand why someone maybe behaving in a certain way, the less judgment there is for that person and the more I am able to see their qualities and to have love and appreciation for them rather than judgment.
I love how you say it is basic maths because it is. So that dispels constantly looking outside of myself for who I am especially in anything I do – whether it’s badly, or well or just the fact of the behaviour. It means I can never judge myself for what I do is not who I am. But I do have a responsibility to choose what energy to run my body and my life.
Alexis, I have really started noticing how true this is; ‘Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others.’ I have become aware that if I feel connected, accepting and loving with myself that my day flows and I have beautiful connections with others. If I have low self-esteem, eat foods that aren’t supportive and get emotional – then my day feels hard and there seems to be issues with people in my life.
My question has to be where does the feeling of low self- esteem come from that we then want to eat foods or some sort of drink that are not going to support us? We all get these negative thoughts that pop into our heads but do we stop to consider where they may be coming from and that we don’t actually own them, even though it feels as though we do because we are experiencing them. Is it possible we are being caught up in a game of duplicity because we have dropped our awareness of reading our surroundings?
Alexis, this is beautifully simple and makes complete sense; ‘I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.’
Bringing in observation and understanding changes so much as you share, ‘I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.’
How we project to others, blaming them for how we feel. The blame game. If we start feeling feelings we don’t like when we are in contact with other people, instead of attacking them or defending, we should be grateful to them that these feelings arise, so we are able to heal them. These feelings were always there.
Thank you for sharing that the key to unlocking the many layers of judgment that we have with ourselves and others is in understanding and with this we can gradually unpick these layers and start to heal the lack of connection that so many of us have struggled with over lifetimes.
I love this, this is so simple but absolutely makes sense; ‘If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself.’
Yes, what is being reflected for us to look at in ourselves, it is important to heal self, and so reflect something different to the world, ‘if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first.’
Alexis, I have found this to be absolutely true; ‘Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself.’ What I have found is that the more I develop the relationship with myself, appreciating my qualities and feeling confident in myself, the more I allow others to get close to me and the more open I am.
Yes it is only when we re-connect to ourselves that we become open to developing truly loving relationships with others.
Alexis, this is really interesting to read and makes me realise that all of our relationships offer a reflection and a chance for us to learn and change; ‘Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others.’
‘Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.’ And this is the start to abusing others as well, without us even being conscious aware of it.
Yes healing the abusive ways that we treat ourselves is reflected in the relationships we build with others as our relationship with ourselves is foundational to all others.
‘ if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first.’
This wisdom is the key to anything that we don’t want or like in our lives. Since experiencing true love everything that is not that stands out like a sore thumb and asks me to go deeper in the relationship with myself.
You speak the truth Alexis.
‘I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.’ I would say yes I forgot to live from this starting point of Me but in hindsight i can say that deep down I still knew there was a solidness from where I did say no to really going down although there was a deep disregard towards my body and abuse going on from this chosen disconnection.
“If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door?” Love this sentence.
Only when we disconnect from our true selves are we capable of harm, when we stand with our true selves we stand with God.
I could not help but smile – ‘Life is Maths’…. which makes the importance of this subject so very real. We are blessed to have a Way of the Livingness that does the Maths, and with it my life does add up!
I had no idea of what I truly felt, I saw myself in the box of good helpful ideals and beliefs outside of my self, I was so disconnected from me that there was no one at home, slowly over time I am learning to connect more to my body and hence feel more of the me there, and in learning to be honest instead of good so much has come up that had been buried from my view, that can now be acknowledged felt and healed, we are so blessed with the outpouring of immense healing love for this new era in which we live.
“judgment comes from lack of understanding” understanding the basic maths that energy is in everything and when we are aware of the energy in and from ourselves or others we can read the truth.
Once we have an insight and deeper understanding of ourselves, the self critique and judgement begins to be a thing of the past. With less self-judgement, we have more awareness of what energy is running others and can meet them in their essence rather than the old and crippling judgemental way .
“I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them”.
Just like you Alexis, for so much of my life “I was lost at sea with no idea where land was” and was continually feeling ‘sea sick’ from being tossed around by life’s seemingly never-ending challenges. Finding my way to Universal Medicine has offered me an anchor, a foundation, in life and that I have accepted willingly. And as a result if a ‘storm’ does come my way I may rock a little but this beautiful foundation holds me steadier then I have ever been held.
It is very brave to come out and talk about your judgement-habit, because I have noticed that although most people do it, it tends to be hidden in the depths of our thoughts, without much exposure to the real world, as judgement is often regarded as justified and this is what the conversation tends to be about – the justification of the judgement, and not the dismantling of the judgement itself.
If we find ourselves justifying something then this is a sure sign we’re on shaky ground. Anything borne from truth never needs justification.
What lives inside gets reflected around us. This is our way back to soul if we open our heart to see.
The only way we can come to abuse ourselves is to go into disconnection with our body and that is exactly what the society we have created wants us to be. With that I do not say that society is the cause of this ill behaviour, but our common shared belief that creates this energy in the first place and feeds us back through the many ways we today find in our societies. Although we do recognise it is a problem it is OK to become obese, it is OK to develop diabetes, it is OK to sport hard and extend our limits every time, developing hard and tense bodies, not to forget about the many injuries we get from it, it is OK to playing games on our mobile phones, it is OK the loose ourselves on social media, it is OK … I could go on for some time but maybe you got an understanding of what I mean.
Indeed “we have made a silent pact to not break the silence…” and to not disclose the energy that is behind this false world of creation we try to keep alive while in truth it is very abusive and absolutely not who we are and are from.
Great blog with gems of wisdom like ‘judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.’ It is indeed all about allowing a deep understanding that all behaviors come from somewhere, a deep hurt, a disconnection, whatever it is, it is for us to without perfection stay open hearted to the other person…and ourselves. From there change is possible as you, Alexis, have experienced.
Indeed Caroline, no way we can judge someone when we understand that we are all one and the same, equal brothers that are on our path of return in learning how to live together as a soul on earth. We all have our own history in that and are finding our way with it. Therefore this understanding is so important as it will bring us closer together while the judgment is creating boundaries that leave us to feel alone and that we all have to do it on our own. But this is not the way we are designed to live. The only way to crack this creation we live in is to do it together as one.
[…] Related Reading: How love benefits your health Building love in our life Our Relationship with Ourselves is the Start of All Things […]
I love the way you express Alexis, I have read other blogs of yours and loved the wisdom that you have shared, especially “if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first.” It all comes back with us how our relationship is with our selves first and foremost, I have felt excluded from people most of my life, living in the background, and this was reflected in how I lived with my self, totally excluding myself from myself.
I love this blog Alexis, there are so many gems you’ve shared here. I would like to highlight this one, ‘ Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside…’ Wow, so true and it makes so much sense.
“….judgment comes from lack of understanding” If we could get to grips with this as a society, our world would become a much more harmonious place to live.
A deeply inspiring read Alexis – how easy it is to blame outside of ourselves and bury our hurts rather than address them and then bring responsibility to our expression – knowing whatever we point the finger at, we are usually stuck in the same thing ourselves.
“if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first”.
Reading this again I’m reminded of how vital relationships with others are, so that we can learn more about our relationships with ourselves. If we spend a lot of time by ourselves and/or with others who are providing the same reflection back to us, it can be easy to stay comfortable and never allow ourselves to be or feel challenged. The more we build an honesty with and acceptance of ourselves, and a relationship with our bodies, the easier it becomes to receive reflections from others who’ve perhaps mastered areas that we haven’t, and to be inspired instead of confronted by that.
“I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. “…”Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.” – These two sentences by Alexis feel like true gold and have really unlocked something in regards to why we disconnect from ourselves in the first place and then can so easily fall into self-disregarding acts that further numb the pain of both things like being picked on and for disconnecting and shutting down our natural expression in the first place!
Having lack of self-worth will always reflect in the types of relationships we attract to ourselves, and how we act in those relationships. It’s only when you start to see your part when ‘hooking up’ with someone, do you start to get a greater understanding of how and why things played out the way they did.
“I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.” Yes and that can explain how there can be evil in the world. We disconnect from ourselves and anything and everything can come through us without us remembering it is actually not ‘us’ saying, doing or thinking a certain thing.
“Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself” and when we see our reflection in the mirror, what are we met with? Is it only what we see on the outside, or can we feel who we are within?
Often when I look into my eyes in the mirror, I get a deep sense of not only who I am but who we all are on the inside.
Like a rat (or should that be hamster?) stuck in a maze lined by mirrors, we get upset, scared and outraged at what is about to be done to us, never realising that everything we see is just a reflection of what we choose. If we just stopped railing at the outside, we might realise we have complete power inside.
The thing is, we are understanding machines – perfectly designed to live aligned to the truth of God and the Universe. It actually takes a choice to be angry, judgemental and appalled. The more you catch yourself in these moments the more you can see it’s simple as you show Alexis to stop reacting and grow.
Such a huge point of reflection this offers. Sometimes I get really frustrated and can feel this underlying sadness and anger come up and it shows me that there is healing to do and to start to be honest about the relationship I have with myself.
‘…every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.’ This is HUGE! All my hurts have been people reflecting back to me what I already had in motion. It’s not to say that people can’t be unloving towards me if I truly love myself, it’s that what they’re expressing doesn’t resonate in my body and I am free to see that what is going on isn’t to do with me. It’s not a comment on how good or bad I am. It’s them being in a place at that moment that isn’t connected to love and that if I respond from love then they’ve got an opportunity to reconnect with love.
I won’t let their choices into my body as a hurt, I’ll see what is going on with an understanding that lovingly understands what is taking place and see it’s not personal. Seeing it’s not about me
A beautifully strong comment, it is awesome to feel the claiming of yourself here. It also shows the simplicity that is born when we take these steps back and allow people their space and ourselves the space thus being the beholder of love where there is nothing to do but live in the grace of God.
If reflections either ‘hurt us or make us feel good’ then one thing that is being reflected for sure is that we have disappeared into the realm of ‘good and bad’ coupled with the illusion of identification.
Nothing is more powerful than what is been reflected by another. Either way (if it hurts or feels good) it’s honourable to accept what is been reflected.
When we ‘connect to our inner essence first, and then move and live from that connection’ then that is the absolute most we can ever do towards inspiring others to re-connect to their essence. It is our bodies that recognise truth through movement and then move themselves back to truth.
Our bodies are magic! They know the order of the universe and are so obedient even when we fight them with our wayward ways. A wonderful comment reminding me I can trust my body because it knows love in each cell.
This blog highlights our true responsibility as human beings- that is to have a deep connection to our inner essence first, and then to move and live from that connection in all our relationships. I have recently experimented with letting go of judgement thru greater understanding regarding some co-workers that I previously reacted to when they acted cruel and dishonestly and it has been amazing to see how the tension between us instantly dissipated and we started to reconnect without me saying a word initially.
God is love and love is God and we are here to forever build grander and more glorious versions of God. What a spectacular purpose! Who could possibly want to do anything else?
Whenever we feel a lack of love in our life, we must look within and choose to see what is there that we miss.. And how this plays out in our daily life. For we can always build a deeper love with ourselves. Forever unending.
The moment I came to realise that “Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others” was one big ouch moment, but it was also a pivotal moment in my life as I knew that I was being presented with the truth. And from accepting the truth and making a commitment to build a relationship with me, my whole life began to slowly change into the life that deep down I always knew was there waiting for me; all I had to do was say yes, and I did.
This is unfortunately true, we need to remember how horrible it is to be on the receiving end, ‘we categorise and subsequently dismiss so many people that we come into contact with because we deem them either of no ‘use’ to us or of ‘no consequence’. Each and everyone of us has a purpose and we are all needed in the greater plan.
and yet Kelly we categorise and subsequently dismiss so many people that we come into contact with because we deem them either of no ‘use’ to us or of ‘no consequence’.
“Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.” How beautiful it is that we have reflections to share in and explore via the relationships we hold and how exquisite it is to have the opportunity to uncover more of who we are within these relationships too. What I also love is that these reflections don’t even necessarily start with our close friends and family but with everyone, the butcher or sales assistant, but whomever we connect with can offers us another level if understanding at any time.
Quite naturally what is lived on the inside manifests itself on the outside as we build our worlds, moment by moment, choice by choice. Its this science that explains so clearly why the Way of the Livingness is and has been so life changing for so many.
It is only by living anything that we bring it into existence.
” Our relationship with ourselves is the start of all things ”
Rebuilding a true relationship with ourselves also builds a true relationship with any other.
And we can’t build a true relationship with another without first building a true relationship with ourselves. And if our relationship with ourselves is superficial, then so it follows that our relationship with everyone else will also be too.
The biggest take away for me from Universal medicine is that I have never had a relationship with me. As you said so honestly Alexis
“As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed”
To be honest reconnecting back to me was very hard to do because of all the pictures, ideals and beliefs that were blocking me from the reconnection. Dismantling the blockages has at times been hard and painful but the rewards have been so worth it. I am rediscovering what a beautiful, delicate and sensitive woman I truly am.
It is true Mary, the ideals and beliefs have us thinking this and that about ourselves. I remember when first attending Universal Medicine courses and Serge would talk about us all being Love, there was a part of me that still believed that everyone else was except me. I used to think it would be great if that was true but it felt very far removed from where I was at that point.
and now Julie?
Understanding brings truth and truth brings understanding.
” I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: ”
This is so true , for understanding brings truth to any situation , therefore no judgement.
When I was young I felt the word responsibility seemed heavy and burdensome but now see the great simplicity and truth of the word. Responsibility is our surrender to the what is from the wisdom shared from our bodies it is then our responsibility to simply listen, connect and move from this wisdom that brings the divine expression to the world and it can be seen, felt and reflected by our movements made in our day to day life. Simply awesome.
Alexis, what you bring here is profound. Very open, honest and simple.
Like you shared that in honesty we find truth and to add in that simplicity is where we find ourselves and God.
I agree Alexis, it is colossal, with most people having chosen to disconnect from themselves at some point in their lives, and so abuse can then easily come in, ‘Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.’
I love reading and re reading your sharing Alexis. There is always so much simple common sense offered for us . I agree that without the wonderful presentations and workshops of Serge Benhayon my life would be very different.
Absolutely, when we choose to disconnect from ourselves we do not know what we are feeling, because as you say we are not there to feel what we are feeling, ‘I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.’
When we feel a disconnect from ourselves, it turns to sadness and anger – so no wonder the hampster episode happened. When we want others to fix us or love us to fill the void, we are saying we are not up for taking responsibility for how we are living.
It is so true Alexis, that it is possible to gently uncover what self-judgement there may be and to bring in enormous amounts of understanding to that place. This is a great reminder for how much everyone deserves to be loved.
I think it is key what you share about bringing understanding, I know that I am my harshest critic and that I give myself a really hard time, most of the time and so this then is carried over to others. I can feel that I need to bring much more love and understanding to myself so that I can also bring this to others.
That our world is down to our relationship with ourselves is huge and fantastic – we have no control of another’s choices and are not victims when we are responsible for ourselves.
However, I know I have asked things of people and then played victim when I’ve not got what I wanted, not understanding where they were at they weren’t able to be loving or what I was asking for wasn’t actually loving either. All because I’ve not wanted to take on the responsibility of how I am with myself. But it’s as simple as me embracing being responsible and asking for support, if needed, from this awareness and commitment.
Looking back at our lives, it’s clear that the majority of us are involved in a continual push and pull tug of war. ‘Others should be a certain way’, ‘each situation needs to be like I want’ every day has it constraints otherwise our contentment is seriously disturbed. But as you show Alexis none of this is it. We are in Truth self-sufficient Love machines designed to bring deep care to everyone we meet. When we expect others to make us feel good, it’s not just the hamster but ourselves that we drown.
What a wonderful comment and so true we drown ourselves and everyone in hurt and expectations when asking others to do what only we can do for ourselves – be love. ‘Self sufficient love machines’ – awesome!
I love what you share here Joseph, and yes ‘We are in Truth self-sufficient Love machines designed to bring deep care to everyone we meet. ‘
Hahaha . . . “When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.” . . . I am still laughing at this priceless first paragraph as it says it all. Looking for love in a hampster is the same as looking for any kind of love outside of ourselves.
How powerfully profound and eye-opening is this statement of truth?
“What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.”
“It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.” This is very true of myself, however my sharpened judgement arrows feel mostly pointed and uncompromising towards myself first, then I use them on others, having left myself for dead. This is a debilitating cycle of self abuse that has only been gradually arrested for me, through the love and teachings of Serge Benhayon.
The more I look at my relationships the more I see the one with myself. When I get annoyed by what I see, it’s either because I am only looking on superficially or I am doing the same thing.
Kehinde I am only just coming to feel the extent of the sheer amount of judgement that I have administered in my life. In fact I know that I am not yet able to fully comprehend the true extent of the judgement that I have felt but know that it has been a constant force in my life. You are spot on when you say that there is a certain sneakiness to it and it is that sneakiness that has kept the full force and impact hidden from my view. I am however onto it and am committed to flushing it out of all of it’s hidey holes.
Judgement is sneaky and creeps in, if we’re not vigilant. it can enter as a fleeting thought, and when it does and we catch it, feel it for what it is and release it lovingly. To judge another is to focus on externals, not their essence, in the same way we judge ourselves. It does not heal, it harms.
Life can very often feel like a struggle and when it does it usually reflects our own inner struggle. Photographic of me in my late teens show a very disgruntled young woman. I remember feeling angry, not really knowing what was going on within and around me and never openly expressed, I carried these feelings internally for years. To be supported to connect to and express our feelings (all of them) is foundational to developing a relationship with ourselves. An understanding I gained late in life, but invaluable at any age.
It’s the so-called ‘norm’ to dedicate our teenage years to dating, to finding a relationship and someone to be with – often just to fit in and do what everyone else is doing. I know that’s how it was for me. I really was totally uninterested in relationships for ages and then suddenly wanted one to make me fit in and also have someone adore me. I expected my partner to do all the things I wasn’t willing to do for myself – to love and care for me in a way that I hadn’t done for myself. Relationships were loaded with expectations and need and so inevitably they didn’t work. It’s when we’re prepared to get honest and see what we’ve invested in, and why, and to look at our own stuff well before we place blame on another, that things start to shift and heal – opening up the space for true relationships built on quality, not need.
It is so simple and this exercise can be applied to any relationship, starting it today!
Thank you!
I remember as a young woman spending hours on the phone to my girlfriends moaning about other people or my current boyfriend and how they did me wrong and weren’t being supportive. I never once questioned how I was supporting myself, or if I was treating myself with the same respect and decency I was demanding from others. Taking a look at myself was not comfortable at first. It was so much easier to point my fingers outward, but after that first step, the journey has been life changing and very empowering.
Agreed Debra, many will relate to what you say. Life becomes simpler and lighter when we stop looking out at others to blame and take responsibility for ourselves. Honesty is uncomfortable at first, but the rewards are worth it and life long.
We have many ways to distract ourselves from that true connection we do know so well and say we are looking for all of our life. How hypocritical we are as to distract ourselves purposely from making this connection and at the end even dare to say we where not aware! Actually we have to become honest and admit that we have fought this awareness in many ways and that all the suffering we have encountered in life is from our own doing.
Deeply appreciating the deepening of relationships within my home and with people around reflecting back to me this relationship I have with myself.
So if I have arguments, which are little wars, with my partner, then I have little wars, behave aggressive towards my self. That is a big reflection on the status of the relationship I have with myself, the way I value myself.
As a species we must choose to reconnect… This is an inevitable process, and yet the delay at every turn is quite extraordinary, and extraordinarily revealing.
Well said Chris. What it reveals is our dogged determination to avoid the truth.
And also our dogged determination to keep returning to it.. no matter how many delays and avoidance strategies I can come up with, eventually I keep coming back to the knowing that nothing ‘out there’ is greater than what is inside me.
“I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.” If we judge others harshly – how are we in fact judging ourselves? Giving ourselves understanding allows us to bring that same understanding out into the world to others. Seeing others for who they truly are – not just their behaviours.
Judgment is an emotion that really only serves to reinforce the hurt and thoughts of someone that they are less than you and others – whereas understanding allows them to feel their potential and live it.
Well said Suse, when we judge another for either being more or less than us, it’s akin to pinning them down energetically and preventing them from moving, whereas understanding where they’re at gives them the freedom to move should they so choose.
Indeed Suse, judgment is like an imprisonment, a reduction in life while understanding brings us the freedom to expand and to become more of who we potentially are.
When we cast judgement it’s like casting a net over whoever we are judging, whilst at the same time casting a net over ourselves. In that moment we’re both trussed up.
From what you’ve shared Suse, it is clear that it is a great dis-service to hold another or self in judgement.
Monica I love what you have shared, especially how important it is not to judge ourselves. When we do go into judgement it creates a barrier between us and ourselves and therefore prevents us from being able to understand what is truly going on and therefore from also being able to evolve from whatever it is we are experiencing.
I love what you’ve explained about judgement Alexis – so true. I had never considered what gets in the way of me having a relationship with myself in such a real way. It’s opened up a way of being with myself that is open, transparent, honest and loving- everything I ever looked for in another to reflect back to me I can actually give myself and with no fear of that love being taken away suddenly and not within my control. Fancy having a relationship with myself that never has to have a limit?!
and if we are able to have a relationship with ourselves that has no limit, then we are also able to have relationships with others that have no limits.
‘every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.’ This is huge, it is colossal as you say. It’s not confined to relationships with others but to how the whole of life flows, how opportunities present themselves or how we choose not to see them or allow them. I’m just starting to observe how I am allowing wonderful things in my life because I am more accepting of myself and expressing this.
Rachel I have come to feel that each and every relationship is indeed blessed, even the ugly and difficult ones, as every relationship that we have in our lives is there by divine design.
Life is one big relationship. Everything is a relationship. We can choose to see if life is a blessing or a curse. Our choice indeed!
Ultimately life is God having a relationship with himself.
Is it possible that the way we treat ourselves is the direct result of being brought up to believe that we put everyone else first and us way down the list of who to care for? With this programming no wonder it is so hard for us to love ourselves or even care for ourselves. We have been led to believe that we don’t matter all that much and so begins the severing of the connection from ourselves, one that was so natural as a child. To return to this connection, in my experience, is followed by a return to the top of the ‘who to care for first’ list, where we naturally belong.
Ingrid whilst I agree that we can all be lead to believe many things, I also believe that we can’t be made to believe anything. I feel that were only too willing to jump from the ship of truth into the murky waters of illusion because it enables us to stay in the comfortable holding patterns that we have chosen, lifetime after lifetime. Responsibility really is the name of the game.
Great point that we set things up for ourselves.. it can be very easy to blame the world for all of the ills and expectations that are placed upon us, but we can’t avoid the fact that it’s always our choice to take on these expectations and align to them, or not. It takes strength and commitment to align to our own internal compass, and not the world’s, especially when we have old ingrained patterns of having done that for a long time, but there is so much inspiration around us to show that our patterns are not who we are, that we can choose differently, live more of who we truly are, at any time.
As with all relationships, they need nurturing, honouring, great communication and listening. From this they become enriched and then deepen and grow. To apply this to yourself, for yourself is a very beautiful thing! Every relationship, with another thereafter is truly blessed.
It’s a great to be reminded of this first thing in the morning – you can apply it to your day too and that how my whole day will turn out depends on this moment right now that I have with myself.
Judgement to others or to ourselves is lack of acceptance of what we don’t understand or don’t want to embrace in our lives, although this is an unavoidable part of us. This is a lost battle; only by surrendering ourselves to the reality of our nature, we are blessed by it and free of any judgement’s pressure.
We are either being fuelled by an energetic source that seeks to keep us in separation from the Divine or an energetic source that seeks to re-unite us with the Divine. When we’re being driven by the former then we will ‘protect ourself at all costs’ and defending ourselves in confrontation is a prime example of this. On the other hand when we are being fuelled by the latter, then we are much more likely to be receptive to the learning in any situation.
Very interesting how we lash out when we don’t get what we want. It just goes to highlight the selfish motivation rather than being open to what the universe is trying to show us…
Our relationship with ourselves is the start of all things! From there all other relationships can blossom and grow. Without out it we are foundation-less and have no real substance to bring to another.