When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.
In my late teens and early twenties I relied on boyfriends for my sense of identity. I made sure that I was never without a boyfriend or at least someone that I was chasing because I felt that without a boyfriend I would not have known who I was. Flirting and hooking guys in was a constant game and one I played even if I wasn’t particularly interested in the guy.
As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed and anyway, I thought that I was fine as I was.
What is startling for me to realise when I look back is that I wasn’t at all aware of how much I was struggling, even though I was binge eating, in desperate need of attention and pissed off a lot of the time. In fact I was more than pissed off, I was actually livid! At the time I was very clear about what I perceived to be the cause of my anger; I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry, especially what I considered to be the ‘stupid ones’! I would feel so much anger building in my body when I was listening to certain people talk that I would imagine doing horrible things. This happened a lot and yet still I had no conscious awareness that I wasn’t ok.
It has taken me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did, and that understanding has been supported immeasurably by the teachings that Serge Benhayon shares through Universal Medicine. It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.
I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.
Looking back, I recognise that I was in anguish. I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.
I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.
I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. I hardened myself to give the false impression to others that it didn’t hurt, when in fact I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside. From that point onwards I continued to harden my body and bury my feelings in a myriad of different ways and eventually ended up so far from where I had begun that I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling. If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door? Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.
What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.
This is colossal because most of us have chosen to disconnect from ourselves at some point in our lives, which sets up a mirrored response in our outer lives. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else. It’s basic maths, there can be no more or no less. But because we have chosen to pretend that we don’t know how life works, then we all scrabble around making out that we really can’t understand why life is so hard.
Women spend lifetimes talking to one another trying to fathom out what deep down they already know. But who’s going to be the one to stand up and call out the farce? “Not I”, I hear you cry, and we all know why. We are all involved in a cover-up of such gargantuan proportions that we have made a silent pact to not break the silence… and so we all keep the charade going whilst pretending to know nothing about it.
Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.
So going back to me in my twenties, I had chosen years earlier to cut myself off from myself and so it naturally followed that I also cut myself off from most other people. Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others. As a direct result of choosing to abuse myself, I was also able to abuse others, and I did. The aggression that I showed myself was reflected in the aggression that I showed to those around me.
Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others. It was all there for me to see, if only I had chosen to see it. But I didn’t.
What I have come to learn from my own experiences since attending the workshops of Universal Medicine is that if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first. Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself. If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself. Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside: we can’t conjure something up out of nothing, it’s just not possible. Likewise, if there is something going on outside of us, we can’t throw our hands up in the air and say “Ain’t nothing to do with me.” Again basic maths – if it’s on the outside then it’s on the inside.
No-thing more, no-thing less.
Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.
When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love.
By Alexis Stewart, Dedicated Student of The Way of The Livingness, Partner to an amazing man, Mum to a beautiful boy, Yoga Teacher, Disability Care Worker, Sydney
Further Reading:
Returning to our essence
Being Chinese – Being True to My Self
Is that all there is?
848 Comments
“….judgment comes from lack of understanding” If we could get to grips with this as a society, our world would become a much more harmonious place to live.
A deeply inspiring read Alexis – how easy it is to blame outside of ourselves and bury our hurts rather than address them and then bring responsibility to our expression – knowing whatever we point the finger at, we are usually stuck in the same thing ourselves.
“if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first”.
Reading this again I’m reminded of how vital relationships with others are, so that we can learn more about our relationships with ourselves. If we spend a lot of time by ourselves and/or with others who are providing the same reflection back to us, it can be easy to stay comfortable and never allow ourselves to be or feel challenged. The more we build an honesty with and acceptance of ourselves, and a relationship with our bodies, the easier it becomes to receive reflections from others who’ve perhaps mastered areas that we haven’t, and to be inspired instead of confronted by that.
“I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. “…”Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.” – These two sentences by Alexis feel like true gold and have really unlocked something in regards to why we disconnect from ourselves in the first place and then can so easily fall into self-disregarding acts that further numb the pain of both things like being picked on and for disconnecting and shutting down our natural expression in the first place!
Having lack of self-worth will always reflect in the types of relationships we attract to ourselves, and how we act in those relationships. It’s only when you start to see your part when ‘hooking up’ with someone, do you start to get a greater understanding of how and why things played out the way they did.
“I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.” Yes and that can explain how there can be evil in the world. We disconnect from ourselves and anything and everything can come through us without us remembering it is actually not ‘us’ saying, doing or thinking a certain thing.
“Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself” and when we see our reflection in the mirror, what are we met with? Is it only what we see on the outside, or can we feel who we are within?
Often when I look into my eyes in the mirror, I get a deep sense of not only who I am but who we all are on the inside.
Like a rat (or should that be hamster?) stuck in a maze lined by mirrors, we get upset, scared and outraged at what is about to be done to us, never realising that everything we see is just a reflection of what we choose. If we just stopped railing at the outside, we might realise we have complete power inside.
The thing is, we are understanding machines – perfectly designed to live aligned to the truth of God and the Universe. It actually takes a choice to be angry, judgemental and appalled. The more you catch yourself in these moments the more you can see it’s simple as you show Alexis to stop reacting and grow.
Such a huge point of reflection this offers. Sometimes I get really frustrated and can feel this underlying sadness and anger come up and it shows me that there is healing to do and to start to be honest about the relationship I have with myself.
‘…every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.’ This is HUGE! All my hurts have been people reflecting back to me what I already had in motion. It’s not to say that people can’t be unloving towards me if I truly love myself, it’s that what they’re expressing doesn’t resonate in my body and I am free to see that what is going on isn’t to do with me. It’s not a comment on how good or bad I am. It’s them being in a place at that moment that isn’t connected to love and that if I respond from love then they’ve got an opportunity to reconnect with love.
I won’t let their choices into my body as a hurt, I’ll see what is going on with an understanding that lovingly understands what is taking place and see it’s not personal. Seeing it’s not about me
A beautifully strong comment, it is awesome to feel the claiming of yourself here. It also shows the simplicity that is born when we take these steps back and allow people their space and ourselves the space thus being the beholder of love where there is nothing to do but live in the grace of God.
If reflections either ‘hurt us or make us feel good’ then one thing that is being reflected for sure is that we have disappeared into the realm of ‘good and bad’ coupled with the illusion of identification.
Nothing is more powerful than what is been reflected by another. Either way (if it hurts or feels good) it’s honourable to accept what is been reflected.
When we ‘connect to our inner essence first, and then move and live from that connection’ then that is the absolute most we can ever do towards inspiring others to re-connect to their essence. It is our bodies that recognise truth through movement and then move themselves back to truth.
Our bodies are magic! They know the order of the universe and are so obedient even when we fight them with our wayward ways. A wonderful comment reminding me I can trust my body because it knows love in each cell.
This blog highlights our true responsibility as human beings- that is to have a deep connection to our inner essence first, and then to move and live from that connection in all our relationships. I have recently experimented with letting go of judgement thru greater understanding regarding some co-workers that I previously reacted to when they acted cruel and dishonestly and it has been amazing to see how the tension between us instantly dissipated and we started to reconnect without me saying a word initially.
God is love and love is God and we are here to forever build grander and more glorious versions of God. What a spectacular purpose! Who could possibly want to do anything else?
Whenever we feel a lack of love in our life, we must look within and choose to see what is there that we miss.. And how this plays out in our daily life. For we can always build a deeper love with ourselves. Forever unending.
The moment I came to realise that “Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others” was one big ouch moment, but it was also a pivotal moment in my life as I knew that I was being presented with the truth. And from accepting the truth and making a commitment to build a relationship with me, my whole life began to slowly change into the life that deep down I always knew was there waiting for me; all I had to do was say yes, and I did.
This is unfortunately true, we need to remember how horrible it is to be on the receiving end, ‘we categorise and subsequently dismiss so many people that we come into contact with because we deem them either of no ‘use’ to us or of ‘no consequence’. Each and everyone of us has a purpose and we are all needed in the greater plan.
and yet Kelly we categorise and subsequently dismiss so many people that we come into contact with because we deem them either of no ‘use’ to us or of ‘no consequence’.
“Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.” How beautiful it is that we have reflections to share in and explore via the relationships we hold and how exquisite it is to have the opportunity to uncover more of who we are within these relationships too. What I also love is that these reflections don’t even necessarily start with our close friends and family but with everyone, the butcher or sales assistant, but whomever we connect with can offers us another level if understanding at any time.
Quite naturally what is lived on the inside manifests itself on the outside as we build our worlds, moment by moment, choice by choice. Its this science that explains so clearly why the Way of the Livingness is and has been so life changing for so many.
It is only by living anything that we bring it into existence.
” Our relationship with ourselves is the start of all things ”
Rebuilding a true relationship with ourselves also builds a true relationship with any other.
And we can’t build a true relationship with another without first building a true relationship with ourselves. And if our relationship with ourselves is superficial, then so it follows that our relationship with everyone else will also be too.
The biggest take away for me from Universal medicine is that I have never had a relationship with me. As you said so honestly Alexis
“As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed”
To be honest reconnecting back to me was very hard to do because of all the pictures, ideals and beliefs that were blocking me from the reconnection. Dismantling the blockages has at times been hard and painful but the rewards have been so worth it. I am rediscovering what a beautiful, delicate and sensitive woman I truly am.
It is true Mary, the ideals and beliefs have us thinking this and that about ourselves. I remember when first attending Universal Medicine courses and Serge would talk about us all being Love, there was a part of me that still believed that everyone else was except me. I used to think it would be great if that was true but it felt very far removed from where I was at that point.
and now Julie?
Understanding brings truth and truth brings understanding.
” I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: ”
This is so true , for understanding brings truth to any situation , therefore no judgement.
When I was young I felt the word responsibility seemed heavy and burdensome but now see the great simplicity and truth of the word. Responsibility is our surrender to the what is from the wisdom shared from our bodies it is then our responsibility to simply listen, connect and move from this wisdom that brings the divine expression to the world and it can be seen, felt and reflected by our movements made in our day to day life. Simply awesome.
Alexis, what you bring here is profound. Very open, honest and simple.
Like you shared that in honesty we find truth and to add in that simplicity is where we find ourselves and God.
I agree Alexis, it is colossal, with most people having chosen to disconnect from themselves at some point in their lives, and so abuse can then easily come in, ‘Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.’
I love reading and re reading your sharing Alexis. There is always so much simple common sense offered for us . I agree that without the wonderful presentations and workshops of Serge Benhayon my life would be very different.
Absolutely, when we choose to disconnect from ourselves we do not know what we are feeling, because as you say we are not there to feel what we are feeling, ‘I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.’
When we feel a disconnect from ourselves, it turns to sadness and anger – so no wonder the hampster episode happened. When we want others to fix us or love us to fill the void, we are saying we are not up for taking responsibility for how we are living.
It is so true Alexis, that it is possible to gently uncover what self-judgement there may be and to bring in enormous amounts of understanding to that place. This is a great reminder for how much everyone deserves to be loved.
I think it is key what you share about bringing understanding, I know that I am my harshest critic and that I give myself a really hard time, most of the time and so this then is carried over to others. I can feel that I need to bring much more love and understanding to myself so that I can also bring this to others.
That our world is down to our relationship with ourselves is huge and fantastic – we have no control of another’s choices and are not victims when we are responsible for ourselves.
However, I know I have asked things of people and then played victim when I’ve not got what I wanted, not understanding where they were at they weren’t able to be loving or what I was asking for wasn’t actually loving either. All because I’ve not wanted to take on the responsibility of how I am with myself. But it’s as simple as me embracing being responsible and asking for support, if needed, from this awareness and commitment.
Looking back at our lives, it’s clear that the majority of us are involved in a continual push and pull tug of war. ‘Others should be a certain way’, ‘each situation needs to be like I want’ every day has it constraints otherwise our contentment is seriously disturbed. But as you show Alexis none of this is it. We are in Truth self-sufficient Love machines designed to bring deep care to everyone we meet. When we expect others to make us feel good, it’s not just the hamster but ourselves that we drown.
What a wonderful comment and so true we drown ourselves and everyone in hurt and expectations when asking others to do what only we can do for ourselves – be love. ‘Self sufficient love machines’ – awesome!
I love what you share here Joseph, and yes ‘We are in Truth self-sufficient Love machines designed to bring deep care to everyone we meet. ‘
Hahaha . . . “When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.” . . . I am still laughing at this priceless first paragraph as it says it all. Looking for love in a hampster is the same as looking for any kind of love outside of ourselves.
How powerfully profound and eye-opening is this statement of truth?
“What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.”
“It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.” This is very true of myself, however my sharpened judgement arrows feel mostly pointed and uncompromising towards myself first, then I use them on others, having left myself for dead. This is a debilitating cycle of self abuse that has only been gradually arrested for me, through the love and teachings of Serge Benhayon.