When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.
In my late teens and early twenties I relied on boyfriends for my sense of identity. I made sure that I was never without a boyfriend or at least someone that I was chasing because I felt that without a boyfriend I would not have known who I was. Flirting and hooking guys in was a constant game and one I played even if I wasn’t particularly interested in the guy.
As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed and anyway, I thought that I was fine as I was.
What is startling for me to realise when I look back is that I wasn’t at all aware of how much I was struggling, even though I was binge eating, in desperate need of attention and pissed off a lot of the time. In fact I was more than pissed off, I was actually livid! At the time I was very clear about what I perceived to be the cause of my anger; I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry, especially what I considered to be the ‘stupid ones’! I would feel so much anger building in my body when I was listening to certain people talk that I would imagine doing horrible things. This happened a lot and yet still I had no conscious awareness that I wasn’t ok.
It has taken me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did, and that understanding has been supported immeasurably by the teachings that Serge Benhayon shares through Universal Medicine. It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.
I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.
Looking back, I recognise that I was in anguish. I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.
I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.
I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. I hardened myself to give the false impression to others that it didn’t hurt, when in fact I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside. From that point onwards I continued to harden my body and bury my feelings in a myriad of different ways and eventually ended up so far from where I had begun that I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling. If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door? Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.
What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.
This is colossal because most of us have chosen to disconnect from ourselves at some point in our lives, which sets up a mirrored response in our outer lives. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else. It’s basic maths, there can be no more or no less. But because we have chosen to pretend that we don’t know how life works, then we all scrabble around making out that we really can’t understand why life is so hard.
Women spend lifetimes talking to one another trying to fathom out what deep down they already know. But who’s going to be the one to stand up and call out the farce? “Not I”, I hear you cry, and we all know why. We are all involved in a cover-up of such gargantuan proportions that we have made a silent pact to not break the silence… and so we all keep the charade going whilst pretending to know nothing about it.
Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.
So going back to me in my twenties, I had chosen years earlier to cut myself off from myself and so it naturally followed that I also cut myself off from most other people. Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others. As a direct result of choosing to abuse myself, I was also able to abuse others, and I did. The aggression that I showed myself was reflected in the aggression that I showed to those around me.
Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others. It was all there for me to see, if only I had chosen to see it. But I didn’t.
What I have come to learn from my own experiences since attending the workshops of Universal Medicine is that if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first. Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself. If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself. Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside: we can’t conjure something up out of nothing, it’s just not possible. Likewise, if there is something going on outside of us, we can’t throw our hands up in the air and say “Ain’t nothing to do with me.” Again basic maths – if it’s on the outside then it’s on the inside.
No-thing more, no-thing less.
Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.
When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love.
By Alexis Stewart, Dedicated Student of The Way of The Livingness, Partner to an amazing man, Mum to a beautiful boy, Yoga Teacher, Disability Care Worker, Sydney
Further Reading:
Returning to our essence
Being Chinese – Being True to My Self
Is that all there is?
869 Comments
You speak the truth Alexis.
‘I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.’ I would say yes I forgot to live from this starting point of Me but in hindsight i can say that deep down I still knew there was a solidness from where I did say no to really going down although there was a deep disregard towards my body and abuse going on from this chosen disconnection.
“If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door?” Love this sentence.
Only when we disconnect from our true selves are we capable of harm, when we stand with our true selves we stand with God.
I could not help but smile – ‘Life is Maths’…. which makes the importance of this subject so very real. We are blessed to have a Way of the Livingness that does the Maths, and with it my life does add up!
I had no idea of what I truly felt, I saw myself in the box of good helpful ideals and beliefs outside of my self, I was so disconnected from me that there was no one at home, slowly over time I am learning to connect more to my body and hence feel more of the me there, and in learning to be honest instead of good so much has come up that had been buried from my view, that can now be acknowledged felt and healed, we are so blessed with the outpouring of immense healing love for this new era in which we live.
“judgment comes from lack of understanding” understanding the basic maths that energy is in everything and when we are aware of the energy in and from ourselves or others we can read the truth.
Once we have an insight and deeper understanding of ourselves, the self critique and judgement begins to be a thing of the past. With less self-judgement, we have more awareness of what energy is running others and can meet them in their essence rather than the old and crippling judgemental way .
“I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them”.
Just like you Alexis, for so much of my life “I was lost at sea with no idea where land was” and was continually feeling ‘sea sick’ from being tossed around by life’s seemingly never-ending challenges. Finding my way to Universal Medicine has offered me an anchor, a foundation, in life and that I have accepted willingly. And as a result if a ‘storm’ does come my way I may rock a little but this beautiful foundation holds me steadier then I have ever been held.
It is very brave to come out and talk about your judgement-habit, because I have noticed that although most people do it, it tends to be hidden in the depths of our thoughts, without much exposure to the real world, as judgement is often regarded as justified and this is what the conversation tends to be about – the justification of the judgement, and not the dismantling of the judgement itself.
If we find ourselves justifying something then this is a sure sign we’re on shaky ground. Anything borne from truth never needs justification.
What lives inside gets reflected around us. This is our way back to soul if we open our heart to see.
The only way we can come to abuse ourselves is to go into disconnection with our body and that is exactly what the society we have created wants us to be. With that I do not say that society is the cause of this ill behaviour, but our common shared belief that creates this energy in the first place and feeds us back through the many ways we today find in our societies. Although we do recognise it is a problem it is OK to become obese, it is OK to develop diabetes, it is OK to sport hard and extend our limits every time, developing hard and tense bodies, not to forget about the many injuries we get from it, it is OK to playing games on our mobile phones, it is OK the loose ourselves on social media, it is OK … I could go on for some time but maybe you got an understanding of what I mean.
Indeed “we have made a silent pact to not break the silence…” and to not disclose the energy that is behind this false world of creation we try to keep alive while in truth it is very abusive and absolutely not who we are and are from.
Great blog with gems of wisdom like ‘judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.’ It is indeed all about allowing a deep understanding that all behaviors come from somewhere, a deep hurt, a disconnection, whatever it is, it is for us to without perfection stay open hearted to the other person…and ourselves. From there change is possible as you, Alexis, have experienced.
Indeed Caroline, no way we can judge someone when we understand that we are all one and the same, equal brothers that are on our path of return in learning how to live together as a soul on earth. We all have our own history in that and are finding our way with it. Therefore this understanding is so important as it will bring us closer together while the judgment is creating boundaries that leave us to feel alone and that we all have to do it on our own. But this is not the way we are designed to live. The only way to crack this creation we live in is to do it together as one.
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I love the way you express Alexis, I have read other blogs of yours and loved the wisdom that you have shared, especially “if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first.” It all comes back with us how our relationship is with our selves first and foremost, I have felt excluded from people most of my life, living in the background, and this was reflected in how I lived with my self, totally excluding myself from myself.
I love this blog Alexis, there are so many gems you’ve shared here. I would like to highlight this one, ‘ Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside…’ Wow, so true and it makes so much sense.