I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
568 Comments
There’s nothing like our closest relationships to reflect back to us our deepest insecurities and our ideas of what love is, vs what it truly is about. There is so much that we can learn from one another, and what maximises this potential is our own foundation of self love, which supports us to see and feel more of what’s actually going on, without reacting to it.
All relationships start with the relationship we have with self, are we truly loving and honouring of ourself in all situations, ‘It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.’
It also occurs to me that we need to perhaps reclaim the responsibility of being a human being – and what that really means and looks like – then with that reclaimed responsibility perhaps everything in our lives would look different – work, parenting, relationships.
I love this line: “How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” It’s true that parenting is such a massive responsibility, how we parent will effect another human being for the rest of their lives. And you are definitely correct that the responsibility begins with us, kids learn much more from what they see us do or how we are than from what we say or the instructions we give. If we don’t deal with our stuff and we are not attempting to live a joyful, open, loving, deeply caring life – that is what is shaping the future of our kids.
Realising how irresponsible and loveless our actions have been and how much of a lie we have been living whilst thinking it is the truth can be confronting but in this day and age we do not need to do penance and try and ‘pay back’ for all our ill doings. We can simply nominate, renounce and let it go by realising it was not truly us doing that in the first place.
It is beautiful to read a blog from a parent who is honest enough to say that they needed to build a true relationship with their child.
So beautiful to read Adele thank you for sharing, I can relate to the harmonious but pandering relationship you had with your son, this way I have lived with my children so as to avoid conflict, but there was no true love as I did not know how to love myself at the time, and so my love was needy. Knowing what I know and have experienced now of what true love really is I would parent so differently.
For me working on the relationship I have with myself and taking loving care of me to the best of my ability has supported me to become more responsible in the rest of my life including the way I am as a parent.
What I feel is important in this is not getting caught up in the reactions or demands of another but always holding true and steady in honouring our truth. This may not look smooth or ‘pretty’ initially but it allows things to surface, become more real and in time more true.
Life is all about responsibility – our soul impulses us like a loving parent showing a child what is next. But do we obey and enjoy or fight and ignore? And if so is it any wonder that our kids do the same? It seems to me Adele that accepting our responsibility to honour what’s true is the key to life and all we do.
True parenting commences with us parenting ourselves, if this is not in our foundation how can we possibly know how to truly parent another?
Parenting our-self back to the child like love that your son was sharing with you Adele, is key on our journey back to the divine love we all are.
I have to be responsible for being the love that I am before sharing it with another/others. Thanks for the reminder Adele.
When a commitment to true love is made we are given all to sustain that. What I love and have experienced is responsibility is shown i.e. I am responsible for any tension. I am responsible for loving me. I am responsible for appreciating myself. I am responsible for bringing all of me knowing there is always more to bring. Therefore I cannot ever blame any other for how they are with me – I am responsible.
This is a great sharing on true responsibility and how in expressing what we feel is not love we are in truth being love. It is from here we see how our self loving ways then come into play and holds us all as one. Simply awesome.
No matter what you do, say or even think you cannot “do” love. Yes you can make it look like everything you do is in fact loving but it will not be unless it is coming from the heart and not from our needs, desires or wishes.
So true Joshua, our inner-heart holds the key to our divine connection.
Reading this it occurred to me how rare it is to find the word parent and the word responsibility in the same sentence. Probably because we humans avoid responsibility at all costs, that avoidance also applies to parenting, which is surprising as surely being a parent is one of the biggest things in our lives, yet more often than not we don’t step into the responsibility that being a parent asks for.
Sometimes we have all these pictures of what we think love is but often these can be pandering or not true love. True love is not giving in to a child because it is easier, it is about connecting to what is needed in each moment and being prepared to express that regardless of the consequences. The more love you have in your body, the more love and understanding that comes with this.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behavior that were controlling my life.” These words have struck a deep resounding cord in me. If we stop periodically and survey our lives it will support us to clearly see the unhealthy patterns and behaviors. These are designed to keep us from the love that we truly are. I appreciate how the innocence of a child can support us to re-connect to our own innocence and therefore re-connect to our own true essence. Children bring many blessings to the world.
This blog is packed to overflowing with so much grace and wisdom about parenting.
Gosh what problems we create for ourselves and the other person when we pander to their needs. The teaching that a true relationship is one not based in any way upon needs is a great one and calling such a relationship an arrangement rather than a relationship helps us to see what we are allowing.
When we put conditions on love it will never live up to our expectations and thus will always leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
The way I parent has change immensely over the years since coming into contact with Universal Medicine. Much of what you have shared Adele is what I am continuously working on. For me it’s been a learning of what true love is for another. Learning that being responsible in calling out and putting a stop to situations that are energetically harmful regardless of the kid’s reaction. One thing that came to me the other day was how my kids are actually asking me to do this for them. When they are out of control or more so when they are being controlled by an energy that is not of their essence we are there to help them come back and call a stop to the momentum. In this there is a safety they feel, it’s like we have their back, always watching and observing when they need support to come back to their divinity.
There are so many great points here Adele, but I particularly love that it’s impossible for us to be responsible parents if we are not first and foremost being responsible ourselves in all areas of our lives. It’s so common that we believe we can be responsible in one area of our lives (such as parenting) but irresponsible in another area (such as the way we look after ourselves) – when every single moment of our lives affects the next moment and the next.
You highlight so clearly Adele, how it is only through a relationship that is based on love, being with ourselves first, that we can truly begin to realise and live the magic of our full potential, of who we really are. And that when we work, commit to or come together in love, this magic will only be magnified.
To truly parent our children we have to teach them to be responsible for themselves and when we free them of the noose of neediness they feel liberated to develop a true and deeper relationship as people rather than parent and child.
Living who we truly are is the antidote for all our discontentments and illness and disease in our bodies as there is nothing more powerful and healing than expressing our essence for the good of all.
Wonderful to read this Adele, it is so timely as I examine more deeply my responsibility as a parent. I have not mastered not reacting as you describe, but had some success yesterday when I asked her to do the lunch dishes and she had a mini break down collapsing on the floor and I just let that happen and then simply stated that the dishes needed to be done and she went down and did a lovely job of washing, drying and putting away. This could easily have become a battle of wills but I was so solid within myself of what was needed she could feel there was no real point in going into too much resistance! Deepening my loving relationship with myself is most definitely the way forward.
There is so much in this blog to delve into. One sentence that struck me was “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” This applies to all relationships but rarely do we credit the relationship with our children in the same way as the relationship with partners, yet that highlights the masks we wear in our many different relationships. Being ourselves, transparent, open and honest makes for a more solid foundation in any relationship.
It is amazing to realise we create our own reality by the way we live with ourselves. If we are not having a foundational loving relationship with ourselves this will also not be there with others and create a reality of hardship in relationships out of need in life. But when we do have a loving relationship with ourselves life does really change and becomes much simpler especially in our relationships.
I can relate to the grief especially the next morning after being in the company of another. I have often pondered on the reason as to why I had allowed it to enter my body. I knew the emotion did not belong to me. I also felt the sadness from not choosing love for myself but I always felt there was more. ‘The grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself’ is certainly worth exploring and as I allow myself to feel, a deep heaviness is felt in my chest area. Thank you Adele for sharing.
Very revealing Adele, I can relate to what you raise here that it is only when we are in true relationship with ourselves that we can have that with another. And it’s telling when we get honest about our part in a relationship and stop blaming the other or expecting them to be a certain way, there is a huge freedom to just be us and simply allow the other to just be, the makings of a true relationship.
Thank you Adele for a beautiful sharing, when we take responsibility for all our choices and heal our true loving self can come out in love for ourselves and then out to all others. “when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.” What a gorgeous picture of you and your son, so much love and joy in expression.
What a beautiful gift to your son Adele, that being to take the time to build a true connection to him; a beautiful gift to yourself also. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
We can learn so much from our children when we see them as equal and take the responsibility to parent them from the love we know we and they are and not hold back on expressing the truth. And the more we let go of ideals and believes we have around parenting the more the relationship can grow into a loving relationship without any attachments.
Adele you have turned parenting around and it is these gems that need to be shared with other parents.
I see more and more parents letting their children run riot or pandering to them with sweets and chocolates because they don’t have the time to be with them. I have seen mothers exhausted addicted on coffee to counteract the exhaustion and dealing with a hyper stimulated child – its a forever vicious cycle and you took the responsibility to do something about it – an inspiration.
Recently, as I watch my son become the man he is I can find it difficult to accept myself and all the mistakes I have made in parenting him, mistakes which he now carries with him in his understandings of life, and this makes me feel very sad. But what I say to myself in these moments, is that what matters most is now, this very second and whether I am choosing love or not, all else can and will be taken care of based on this split second. And when, in those moments I do choose love and not to indulge in regret, what follows next is always a great sense of understanding both for myself and my son and the people we are and the life journey’s we are on and the lessons we each have yet to learn, which takes off all the pressure to be perfect and allows for the lessons to be learnt as they are meant to be – in full.
I could very much relate to the relationship with your son appearing to be harmonious but there being pandering to maintain the illusion of harmony. I suspect a lot of women do this with their sons, in lieu of having meaningful, fulfilling relationships with their partners. This places a huge imposition on the son, who will feel he isn’t just loved for who he is. It also means that you do not get to be the whole and amazing women, reflecting true love to the child, as you are hanging onto what you think you need and what you are getting out of it.
This sentence really resonated with me today: ‘eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored’. I had not considered this as grief before but it feels true. The grief of dismissing our true selves in favour of an image we have been pursuing. Yes, grief is very accurate here – we grieve the ‘loss’ of our relationship with ourselves – and consequently as is explored here, the loss of true relationship with others too.